Welcome to the fourth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show that was supposed to be about lesbians but isn’t, from the network that brought you my favorite show of all time I Want a Famous Face. This week Amy is going to make a documentary, so I had Grace prepare this inspirational graphic for you:

My favorite documentary

So guys. Should I keep recapping this show every week? Do you still care? Do you still look forward to this situation? Could I be doing something else with my time and just throwing a mini-cap into the Boobs Tube unless Amy kisses a girl? Because here’s the thing:

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You may notice the biggest dip happened between Season 2A (which ended in November 2014 with Episode 210) and Season 2B (which began September 2015 with Episode 211). What happened between 2A and 2B besides an entire year of your lives? Well, I think that’s when we found out that Amy wasn’t going to be a lesbian after all, instead the show wanted to explore her sexual fluidity, champion the abandonment of labels (just for Amy though, not for Shane!) and leave Amy’s options open w/r/t dating men. As I’ve said a million times, this is of course a realistic and honest journey that many people can relate to and everybody is entitled to be proud of their label or eschew labels altogether, but there are already plenty of shows out there about girls dating boys. Like pretty much all of them. Yet somehow the most liberal high school in Texas has yet to offer up even ONE girl for Amy. I don’t care what her sexual orientation is as long as she dates girls on this show, okay? Just make Amy date girls. Thank you. And don’t forget that Emily Fields did eventually get to have sex with Allison before she became chaste forever!

Faking It has been doing a really good job with exploring other LGBTQ identities — Lauren is the first intersex character I remember seeing on television since a two-episode arc on Freaks & Geeks, and this week they introduced a queer trans guy. But so far this season, Amy’s love life has been a non-starter, just more of the same Karma/Amy can-we-be-friends thing. I hope this turns around soon.


We open with the most lesbianish scene of the whole episode, in which Amy has a large power tool and is using it to make or make an impact of some sort on, I believe, a chair. When she’s done I’m gonna sit on the chair and yell MORE LESBIAN SEX while throwing dried cherries at the wall.

Amy: “I learned a lot about refinishing furniture with all the lesbians this summer.”

Are you ready? I'm gonna explain to you why lesbians have sex.
Is everybody ready? I’m gonna explain to you how lesbians have sex.

Meanwhile, Lauren’s facing a spiritual and social media crisis because her (now fired) New Lisbeth tweeted that Elisabeth Hassleback was Lauren’s spirit animal, which is offensive to Native Americans. (Also to Team Rosie.) Amy’s got an idea to turn this whole situation around: she and Lauren should make a documentary!

I'M TAKING REX HIS LUNCH!
No, don’t eat it; give it to Whiskers, please!

Good news at Karma’s: her parents found the missing half of her Best Friends heart necklace!  Bad news: Karma doesn’t care ’cause she’s got no hope for an Amy/Karma reunion. She’d rather mope around and play music and then meet Shane for coffee.

HI HONEY IT’S MOM AND DAD WE HEARD YOUR GUITAR AND WERE HOPING YOU COULD PLEASE PLAY “BROWN-EYED GIRL” FOR US?!!
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And then “Blowin’ in the Wind,” right?
Yes ma'am and then "Wonderful Tonight"?
You know us too well!
Here's an idea, why don't I play the music I want to play in my own room for myself?
Here’s an idea, why don’t I play the music I want to play in my own room for myself?
Because I'm not a jukebox. I'm your daughter.
Because I’m not a jukebox. I’m your daughter.
And I'm in an Ani DiFranco mood today.
And I’m in an Ani DiFranco mood today.

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Karma throws her half of the heart necklace into the garbage can even though she should’ve re-used it to make art. That’s what Liam would’ve done.


Back at Chez Fawcett, Lauren and Amy are prepping to begin shooting the documentary when who should arrive out of the blue but FELIX!

The cis white straight man you ordered has arrived
Hello, it’s me, the cis white straight man you ordered

Farrah is pleased as punch to have the opportunity to present Felix to her progeny, as she clearly still hopes Amy could fall in love with a man and have his babies and make meatloaf or whatever.  “Even after a rehab reveal, your Mom still roots for me,” said Felix. No surprise there!

My intensely negative feelings about this development aside, I have to admit that I like Felix’s personality better than Karma’s. But also he kinda reminds me of my friend’s husband who was bisexual and had a British accent and was very nice, so I’ve sort of conflated them in my mind. Anyhow! Amy wants to know if he’s free tonight but he says he can’t date anyone for six months. It’s a recovery rule. But she wasn’t asking him on a date, silly! She just wants him to help her shoot her documentary! He says okay.


Cut to The Bohemian Surf Shack Coffee Shop Java the Hut, which now employs Liam Booker for some reason and decorates with those little fake lanterns you can get at IKEA for $3.

Why yes I am a little low on cinnamon and could definitely use a refill
Why yes I AM a little low on cinnamon, thanks for asking

Shane is admiring a dude with a British accent playing a crappy song on his guitar. I can tell you one thing about this fellow: he isn’t Tegan and/or Sara.

Standing in the sunlight laughing, Hide behind a rainbow's wall...
Standing in the sunlight laughing, Hide behind a rainbow’s wall…

Although the show does not reveal this information to us, I have been made aware that this new character, Noah, is a trans guy, and he’s being played by an actual trans guy actor, and he is the result of last year’s search for trans actors! I predict that Shane and him are going to have a thing and Shane is gonna freak out about him being trans.

Liam brings Shane his drink, but then when Liam gets up to go back to work he takes the drink with him? I don’t know what that’s all about, but I’ll tell you what it’s NOT about: lesbians. Also not about lesbians: Shane thinks Liam’s supervisor has a crush on him, which’s probably true. Then Karma shows up and says she’s fine. She’s lying. Shane says Karma should do the Open Mic!

Yeah, my hair is filled with razorblades and secrets and I don't see anything wrong with that
Yeah, my hair is filled with razorblades and secrets and I don’t see anything wrong with that

Chez Fawcett: Amy wants to make an intense documentary about being an intersex role model. Lauren wants to make a reality show about lip gloss with lots of product placement.

Okay, stay right there, and give me your cutest facial expression possible
Okay, sit right there just like that, and give me your cutest facial expression possible

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Amy thinks Lauren should really focus on the reason she’s got so many social media followers to begin with: pictures of her boobs. No just kidding: being intersex. Lauren gets upset and leaves, and Felix says it’s clear that what Lauren needs in order to get out of her shell and show her true self is One Special Person who can Just Listen and Won’t Judge. (I think she’s talking about me!!!)


Chew & Brew: Karma and Shane are doing the Open Mic together like two peas on a pod except instead of peas, they’re PEOPLE, and instead of a pod, they’re on a stage!

Do you remember when we used to sing Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah
Do you remember when we used to sing Sha la la la la la la la la la la dee dah

They’re pretty good, despite not being Tegan and/or Sara, and that’s good news for many reasons, especially this one: this open mic wasn’t JUST an open mic, y’all. This open mic was also A CONTEST!

Hey if anybody here lost their Krogers Super-Saver card in the men's bathroom, we're holding it for you at the frappuchino counter
Hey if anybody here lost their Kroger Shoppers Card card in the men’s bathroom, we’re holding it for you at the frappuchino counter
Shane, I think that guy found your Kroger card
Shane, I think that guy found your Kroger card
I thought that Kroger card was lost FOREVER
I thought that Kroger card was lost FOREVER!

Turns out that Shane and Karma’s band, Ze & Zim, are on their way to the grand contest extravaganza tomorrow night, where they might win $5,000! Their competition is going to be a band called “Noah’s Ark,” which unfortunately is not a spin-off band from the television show Noah’s Arc nor is it a bunch of animals and wives on a boat. It’s that guy Noah! He clearly also likes Shane. Also Noah tells Shane that if he wants to win, then HE should be the lead singer, not Karma. This is terrible advice and also Noah is “the competition,” but Shane listens to him anyway because Shane is inclined to believe people who think he is the greatest.

Look I can already tell that you like me now
Look I can already tell that you like me now
But how do you like me NOW
But how do you like me NOW

Also Liam is still into Karma. Shane heads over to Karma’s with a brand new plan for the battle of the bands. It involves Shane being the lead singer, a full band, and cover songs. Karma’s not into it but also is stuck.


Chez Fawcett: Lauren and her Ladies are crunching away on their exercise balls while setting themselves up for The Big Fight Scene about an Imaginary Conflict — except Amy doesn’t want a staged fight scene. Nor does she want scantily clad girls doing crunches on exercise balls, apparently.

I dunno, I think MY imaginary watermelon is getting just a LITTLE BIT too heavy!
I dunno, I think MY imaginary watermelon is a little heavier than yours!

Amy wants queer activism and inspiration! So when the doorbell rings, Lauren is expecting Lila — for the Big Fight Scene, obviously — but it’s not Lila.

Her butt is cute as a button, isn't it?
Her butt is cute as a button, isn’t it?

It’s Raven! IT’S SO RAVEN! Raven’s a person from the “intersex community” that Amy thinks Lauren could “connect with” on screen. Fun fact: this is the first time in television history that an intersex person is being played by an intersex actor. The actor’s name is Amanda Saenz. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that Amy fall in love with her and that Raven fall in love with Amy. Just an idea!

Anyhow, back to the actual show: Lauren is horrified by Raven’s arrival.

Hey I'm just here with an Edible Arrangement delivery for Amy from The Lesbian Community?
Hey I’m just here with an Edible Arrangement delivery for Amy from her secret admirer?
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I thought I told them to leave it on the back porch

Over at Ze & Zim’s Big Night, Karma’s feeling shitty about Shane’s new arrangement and Liam, one again wearing a shirt I also own because we are style twins, says she’s got nothing to be nervous about.

Sometimes when we're having sex I close my eyes and pretend that you're Rachel Maddow
Sometimes when we’re having sex I close my eyes and pretend that you’re Rachel Maddow
I do that exact same thing when I have sex with Shane!
I do that exact same thing when I have sex with Shane!

He says the Karma he knows deserves the spotlight, and then he kisses her on the lips. Then he says he’s sorry for kissing her, but then he takes it back, because he’s not sorry! There’s something still there between them and he’s not gonna apologize for kissing her! Liam and Karma decide to chat about their relationship after the big show.


Set of Keeping Up With Lauren: Raven finishes telling her story, which ends with her connecting to her online community and finding a lot of strength in it, and now she wants to hear Lauren’s. But Lauren is, as she has reminded us many times, not ready for that!

Lauren: Nothing to tell, really. I’m just Lauren Cooper, NORMAL GIRL.
Raven: But the whole concept of “Normal” is so subjective, you know? What does it really even mean?
Lauren: You know, “normal.” Some people are normal and some people —

Then Lauren short-circuts, Stepford Wives-style, and segues messily into talking about eyeshadow. Raven’s not having it — she thought Lauren wanted to be an intersex spokesperson. Lauren’s like, NO I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT WANT TO BE AN INTERSEX SPOKESPERSON.

So, tell me everything you know about whether or not Amy is gonna get a female love interest this season
So Lauren, tell me everything you know about Amy’s love life with the ladies in Season Three of Faking It!
You can really light up your look with bold color, haute off the catwalk.
UHHHHHHH You can really light up your look with bold color, haute off the catwalk.
Or go understated with sophisticated neutrals in classic shade?
Or go understated with sophisticated neutrals in classic shades?

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Lauren’s done with the shoot now, but Amy’s excited: here, finally, is the raw emotion they need to make this impromptu documentary win at all the obscure queer film festivals! Felix, the voice of reason, advises Amy to go work this out with Lauren, privately, one-on-one. He also suggests the reason Amy’s doing this documentary is to avoid thinking about Karma? Which, as far as distraction tactics go, I’d say “making an inspirational documentary about an intersex spokesperson” is a pretty solid one. I mean one time my best friend told this big huge lie that led me to realize our entire life together was a lie and to distract myself, I started Autostraddle. I think that was a good idea.

Amy heads upstairs to chit-chat with Lauren.

Lauren: “Leave me alone or I will take that camera, shove it down your throat and document your insides.”

Hey yoo-hoo just looking for my Hitachi Magic Wand?
Hey yoo-hoo just looking for my Bodywand 2.0?
You PROMISED I could keep it this time!
You PROMISED I could keep it this time!

Lauren wanted this documentary to be about her life, not about being intersex. Then she goes for the jugular: if it’s so important to make a documentary about “her people” then why isn’t Amy making a documentary about HER people, huh?

Lauren: OH that’s right… because you’re still “on your journey” and “refuse a label,” how convenient. Well I didn’t get to pick my label, I’m stuck with it and I’m doing the best I can, okay.

.
I just wanted to say that I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox
Sara?
I was saving them for breakfast.
Forgive me. They were delicious. So sweet.
Forgive me. They were delicious. So sweet and so cold.

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Amy apologizes for getting carried away: it’s just that she thought they were doing something cool that could change the world, and she thinks Lauren’s one of the only people she knows who have a shot at doing that. It’s a sweet honest moment between Amy and Lauren.


Back at Java Juice Java Juice Cream Cooler Mochachino Macchiato Coffee Dino-Rock Beat Box Music Shop, Karma and Shane are gonna cover “Somebody to Love” by Freddie Mercury, I guess? They also have a back-up band. It’s probably the guys from Glee. Shane’s hair is blue and he’s not buttoning his shirt up all the way and Karma is doing fringe again.

I will make me a willow cabin at your gate, and call upon my soul within the house... '
I will make me a willow cabin at your gate, and call upon my soul within the house… ‘

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Right now my dog is sitting by the door in my office with her back to me staring at the hallway like she is waiting for something cooler than me to happen? But I’m the only one here!

I will make me a willow cabin at your gate, and call upon my soul within the house... '
Only our shadow collections give you the colors you crave, in formulas that blend with a touch, and stay true and beautiful for hours!

Also Shane has unplugged Karma’s mic? So then she unplugs his? And then something breaks and the entire band stops playing? But nobody wants to figure out what happened, they just want to storm offstage. Noah tells Shane he was just trying to psych him out, not mess up the whole damn situation.

oops
oops

If you want to go watch the Glee cover of “Somebody to Love” right now I won’t judge you.


Chez Fawcett: Felix is doing his hourly Visually Sober Check-In with Pops when Amy pops in, still wearing that same weird shirt situation she’s been wearing all episode. Felix tells Amy that it’s okay, she can talk to him about Karma, but Amy says she can’t talk about it because talking about it makes it real. Also real? How quickly Amy tears up talking about talking about it.

This might be an unorthodox suggestion but have you considered closing your eyes and pretending that I'm Rachel Maddow?
This might be an unorthodox suggestion but have you considered closing your eyes and pretending that I’m Rachel Maddow?
Honestly, I'm more of a Melissa Harris-Perry girl
Honestly, I’m more of a Melissa Harris-Perry girl

Oh yeah and then this:

Amy: “Remind me when is that six month no dating thing over?”
Felix: “Midnight New Year’s Eve.”
Amy: “Oh.”

UGH.


Back at the Java Joint, Karma tells Shane that he is The Worst and that he Ruined the Only Thing she felt Kinda Good About and that he is not a real friend. Real friends are there when you need them, she shouts, as her phone blows up like a piñata. She is correct on all of these points! Shane’s not a good friend.

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By the way, Adam Lambert called, and he wants his whole situation back
By the way, Adam Lambert called, and he wants his whole situation back
Is that all he said, or...?
Adam Lambert called?

Listen up ladies, it’s time to get real. It’s a big moment for Lauren, she’s ready, she’s doing it, she’s ready for her confessional:

What do you think of my robe? Is it too much?
What do you think of my robe? Is it too much?

Lauren: Okay, so yeah. Maybe I am afraid to open up. Maybe I am scared to face reality. ever since I was found out I was born different, I’ve done everything I could to be an normal girl. But somebody asked me today what normal even means and I didn’t have a good answer. Maybe I need to find one.

Aw. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE NORMAL LAUREN, NORMAL IS BORING, JUST BE YOURSELF


Meanwhile, Liam’s still waiting for Karma to come and talk about their relationship, but she never shows. You know who does show though, right?

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Supervisor asks Liam on a date and he says yes.


So we cut to the hospital. Karma’s rushing in, teary-eyed, asking about her Dad, who apparently had a heart attack. I definitely won’t have any feelings about this storyline. The receptionist says they’re still working on him, but is he gonna be okay? She’s gonna go find out. In the meantime, Karma’s Real Friend is here:

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Next week on Faking It, Karma’s parents (including her Dad, so he’s alive!) will have big news for her, Amy and Lauren will try and get their parents back together, and Liam and Shane will have dinner with the Rabbi and his daughter, who is Liam’s Totes Innaprops Date. You can look forward to Amy wearing this:

Screenshot 2016-04-06 15.54.22