Back at the School of Wayward Hours, Liam’s digging in to old yearbooks to figure out if Xander is his father while Shane stresses out about how Duke said he’d be training but appears to be training ON STUBBLE. C’mon, Duke, you’re too famous to risk spending that much time on a gay hookup app!

Well, if she is a vampire, that definitely explains why she never seems to age
Well, if she is a vampire, that definitely explains why she looks exactly the same in the Glee Club 1975 picture and the Glee Club 1985 picture.

Liam’s convinced that Xander is his father ’cause there’s a photograph of a club that includes both Xander and his mother.

Shane: I’ve been in plenty of pictures with people I haven’t impregnated.
Liam: It all makes sense now! Being an artist is in my blood and now my Dad has come back to build some kind of relationship with me. I’ve dreamt about this moment.
Shane: Maaaan..
Liam: When I dreamt about it there was no talking.

Cut to Amy’s room of romance, where Reagan is squealing and bouncing on the bed with excitement because of Pussy Explosion! No, not an actual pussy explosion, but the band “Pussy Explosion,” of which Reagan is a member, are going on tour this summer and they want Reagan to come with! Plus, the bass player just dumped her girlfriend and there’s room in the van if Amy wants to come!

THE AUTOSTRADDLE STORE IS BACK OPEN! I CAN GET MY GAL PAL CROP TOP NOW!
AUTOSTRADDLE IS GONNA MAKE NEW GAL-PAL T-SHIRTS!!!

Amy says she can’t, because that would be ridiculous and her mother would never approve and look what happened on Freaks and Geeks JUST KIDDING, Amy says she can’t ’cause she’s gotta do impressive college resume things this summer. Reagan suggests that Amy make a documentary about her tour.

Reagan: We’ll stay out all night, stay in bed all day, live on donuts —
Amy: I do love donuts…

You better get a nice long last look in at this perfect face because everybody knows I won't last the season
You better get a nice long last look in at this perfect face because everybody knows I won’t last the season

This sounds like a really good documentary so far, I can’t wait for the kickstarter. The phone rings — it’s Karma — and Reagan completely loses her shit. WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER IF YOU WANT A FUTURE WITH ME? Karma wants to talk about the summer program but Amy blows her off, ’cause Amy’s got a bad habit of siding with whomever’s closest to her physical body at that time.

Amy: That summer program? Uh, I say, let’s just forget about it, it’s not worth the stress.
Karma: What? Amy!
Amy: You always said you wanted to be a lifeguard, maybe you should just do that!
Karma: But you refuse to get a job that requires a bathing suit…

Of course not, I would NEVER plagarize your Sparia fan-fic!
Of course not, I would NEVER plagarize your Sparia fan-fic!

Amy says that’s still true but it’s okay, ’cause she’s instead gonna be going on tour with Reagan! Reagan is so excited she starts gnawing on Amy’s neck and Amy tells Karma that maybe you know, college just isn’t for her! What is happening.

We return to the Neverending College Fair at Hysteria High! Liam, bursting with Are You My Father Energy, rushes Xander to tell him he knows everything and totally understands why Xander’s been so hot on his jock.

Oooooohhhh you thought I was Xander from Buffy, huh? Nope, I'm totally playing a different character on this show.
Oooooohhhh you thought I was Xander from Buffy, huh? Nope, I’m totally playing a different character on this show.

After a few seconds of One Dialogue, Two Conversations, the truth comes out: Xander’s not Liam’s father, he just wanted an intro to Liam’s father ’cause he heard they’re seeking a muralist for the new Squirtkle Headquarters. Consequentially, Liam’s hopeful heart crumples back in on itself.

Back at the chaotic campus lawn, Lauren is at the Clement booth doing a really interesting baton-twirling routine while talking about her positive personality traits!

Bet you didn't know a double-headed dildo could do this, did you?
Bet you didn’t know a double-headed dildo could do this, did you?

Then one flaming baton flip too far and the whole mess lands blazing in the grass — and dear ‘ol Theo, ever-so-committed to his wanton princess, is on it, extinguishing that fire with the weight of a fire extinguisher. Then he quickly apologizes and flees. Regardless, Ms. Clement isn’t concerned about Lauren’s twirling talents. She’s far more concerned with Lauren’s gender status at birth!

Here! Try it! It's fun for solo use or partner sex!
Here! Try it! It’s fun for solo use or partner sex!

Ms. Clement: It’s come to my attention that you are Hester’s first out intersex student, and we value that kind of diversity at Clement. I can’t promise anything, but I would be very surprised if you didn’t win a spot this summer.
Lauren: Because of my body?
Ms. Clement: No! No because of your… uniqueness.
Lauren: Well then, I withdraw my application.

YOU GO GIRL. Okay, time for Lauren to get back together with Theo!

Amy’s lying on her bed wondering why Miley Cyrus is so bad at instagram when Karma shows up with a video that she says Amy HAS to watch. I bet it’s the one Ellen made about being in the Republican debates, that was so funny! Nope, it’s a childhood video.

This is some next-level A shit
So THIS is my root

They’re playing Barbies and obviously Amy is very focused on the two ladies getting their diploma, while Karma keeps trying to weasel the Prince back into the narrative. Baby Amy would rather the “prince” be recast as the “professor.” Sidenote: Karma would totally date the professor. Amy insists that it’s cool for her to skip college ’cause Reagan didn’t go to college and she’s fine! Okay, it’s totally true that it’s cool to skip college, but Amy’s specific logic here is pretty thin. Then again, so is Karma’s way of shifting the conversation:

Karma: She’s also a lesbian, something we both know you’re not.
Amy: Well, tell that to my wardrobe.
Karma: I saw the way you blushed around Felix!
Amy: Not again with that! I’m not into Felix! And why are you so against me being a lesbian?
Karma: I’m not! I’m against you changing who you are to make someone else happy. Amy, the one thing you’ve always said is that you can’t wait to get to college.
Amy: You’re just upset that I’m not gonna be here this summer.

You promised me we'd go to our first strip club TOGETHER!
You promised me we’d go to our first strip club TOGETHER!

Sure, Karma admits, she does wanna spend the summer with her best gal pal, doing gal pal things like “trying to get into college.” What does Amy want, though? Amy doesn’t want to lose Reagan. Karma says Amy shouldn’t have to lose herself to keep Reagan, and while y’all know how I feel about this not-a-lesbian business, the college stuff is valid: beware a girl who feels okay about making you change your life-long plan from college to a Pussy Explosion Summer lickity-split, without any debate or contemplation. Reagan just wants Amy all to herself, all the time, at any cost, even if the cost is Amy’s future — and maybe this comes from Reagan knowing how quickly Amy changes her mind whenever she’s out of Reagan’s sight, or maybe it’s Reagan being possessive. Regardless, it’s not working.

Lauren’s trapped Theo in the art room, where she is demanding information regarding his affections for her. Does he have any of those sweet little figs, etc.

So, hot cop, tell
So, hot cop, tell me where you hid the meat and cheese!

Theo’s got lots of reasons at the ready:

Theo: You’re gorgeous, but you’re also a tenacious badass. You know what you want and you own’t stop until you get it. You’ve been through some shit but you refuse to see yourself as a victim.

She kisses him! Love is in the air! Something I want to happen on this show is happening on this show! Lauren says that if he wants more kisses, he has to give her more complements! My girlfriend plays this game with me ALL THE TIME.

mwah
mwah

Now let us transition from heterosexual love to homosexual depravity and shift our minds and bodies to the Basement Slacker Apartment set, home to Austin’s most tapestry-committed individuals. Reagan’s gushing about all the barbecue they’re gonna consume on the road and Amy’s like, oh by the way, I can’t go on the road.

Yeah yeah that's a really cute instagram picture of a deer cool
Yeah yeah that’s a really cute instagram picture of a deer cool

Reagan flips out — DID KARMA TALK YOU OUT OF THIS? It’s hard to know if Reagan is being wildly possessive or if this is what happens to a girl dating a girl with a bad habit of lying, making shit up, and agreeing to things she doesn’t really want to do.

It's not like I'm totally closed off to the idea of aliens existing, I just —
It’s not like I’m totally AGAINST Emison, it’s just that Pailey makes so much more sense to me —
So all those episodes of X-Files we watched together?
So all that fan-fic we wrote together was a lie?
I prefer Sparia.
I prefer Sparia.

Faking It-21300395

Maybe she’s just not the right girl for Reagan right now, you know? But who is Amy, anyway, Reagan wants to know:

Amy: A sexually confused girl who wants to go to college.
Reagan: So you’re not a lesbian, either?
Amy: I don’t know! The best answer I can give you is maybe? Look, I don’t have everything figured out like you do —
Reagan: Hardly? I don’t have everything figured out… like I have no idea how I’m gonna get over you.
Amy: Does this have to be the end?
Reagan: We’re just in different places, Amy. As much as I wish we weren’t.
Amy: Me too.

Reagan and Amy are both crying, which somehow also makes me cry? I think I’m mourning the death of yet another lesbian storyline. You know how it goes: far too often, straight couples can vacillate between “are they” and “aren’t they” through multiple seasons and episodes, but the lesbians are in and then they’re out. See also: Pretty Little Liars. Amy asks for one last kiss (thanks, Amy!) and so they kiss.  And thus Yvette Monreal and her perfect face exits our lives forevermore.

Faking It-21300406

Thus we swoop over to Shane’s bedroom, where Duke shows up and throws his boyfriend on the bed but before they can get into some really heavy petting, Shane wants to know how many guys Duke already hooked up with today.

It really doesn't seem fair to me that we get to make out with our shirts off all the time but the lesbians never do.
It really doesn’t seem fair to me that we get to make out with our shirts off all the time but the lesbians never do, you know?

Duke says there have been multiple lovers, and Shane explodes: I CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. So Duke fesses up: he only goes on Stubble to see if Shane is on Stubble. He doesn’t hook up with anybody besides Shane.

Duke: When i got outed and lost my sponsorship, it was the worst day of my life. You were the only one there for me. I Love you, I’m not going anywhere.
Shane: I love you too.

Awkward!

Thus we swing on back to Amy’s room, where our heartbroken maybe-lesbian heroine is being soothed by the soft touch of her not-lover’s embrace. Amy just can’t believe it’s over! Karma says maybe it’s just not the right time and they’ll have another shot at love some other time and Amy says she hopes so.

What if you just scratched my back for like five minutes
What if you just scratched the small of my back for like five minutes

Amy asks Karma is she can spend the night and Karma says okay, because Amy’s more important than pouring hot wax on Liam Booker.

So, that’s that. For an extensive rundown of how I feel about this “you’re not a lesbian” business, please see last week’s recap! Next week on Faking It, Intern Zita takes everybody to Los Angeles on her private jet and Lauren and Amy go on a stakeout!

https://youtu.be/q1JN20OgHSA