Welcome to the ninth recap of the second season of Faking It, a show about zucchini and all the fun things you can do with zucchini! Faking It comes to you from the same network that brought you my favorite television show of all time, I Want A Famous Face.
We open in Amy’s bed, the morning after what seems to have been a resplendent evening of joy and laughter, perhaps involving nudity, scissoring, fisting, finger-blasting, clam-diving and square dancing.
Reagan points out that although it’s a good morning, this morning’s got nothing compared to last night. HEY-O! Probably Amy and Reagan had microwave popcorn and orange juice from Walgreens for dinner last night, I know the feeling, it’s pretty hard to top that kind of action. Amy says last night was “educational.” At the very least it was probably an entertaining follow-up to How To Have Lesbian Sex 101.
Reagan gets up looking like she’s the visual aid for “Sexy” in the lesbian dictionary — she tosses on her gauzy white tee and badass leather jacket and says she’s catering a women’s golf invitational that very day and would Amy like to join her? But before Amy can say, “yes, I’ll attend that lesbian orgie,” she snatches her phone off the nightstand and discovers Liam’s “SHE KNOWS” text message.
Amy explains her sudden panic and nausea as a reaction to Karma reminding her of a test she’s gonna fail. Reagan tells Amy she’s a “fast learner” and should be okay. WINK WINK.
Then we FINALLY reach the location where life truly happens — the gorgeous green grounds of Hester Blue Corn Moon High School For Hashtag Hippies, where Penelope’s setting up a day-long All-School Exercise Game Civilization Social Experiment Situation that’ll probably teach everybody a lesson about how oppressed they aren’t.
Shane’s surlier than usual, and Lauren wants to know why: well, it’s ’cause Shane had to “break up with his trainer” over “different fitness philosophies” but he’s sure that his “trainer” will text him back ANY minute now to get “back together.” Lauren’s got no worries in the world ’cause last night in the SCENE THEY DIDN’T LET US SEE, Lauren told Theo she was intersex and he said “all the right things.” Yay!
Then Amy shows up, looking wrecked. You know the real tragedy here is that “the morning after the first time she had lesbian sex” has now become “the worst morning of her life.” Tragedy is about to wipe that sweet sweet scent right off her fingertips.
Amy: Have either of you seen Karma?
[Silence of Nope]
Amy: I need to find her. She knows about me and Liam.
Shane and Lauren, to Amy: She knows?
Shane and Lauren, to each other: You know?
Amy: Can we please stay focused here?
Shane: Sorry.
Lauren: What can we do to help?
Shane helpfully points out that at least they’re in public, so when Karma murders her bestie, there’ll be heaps of witnesses (thus guaranteeing a really boring episode of Law & Order). Lauren helpfully points out that if she was Karma, being in public wouldn’t stop her from “going all Solange in an elevator on your ass.” But before they can get too deep into Amy’s despair, Principal Penelope Delia Fisher’s music blasts across the campus-wide loudspeakers and then she takes the mike, asking “Are you ready to role-play??!” No, not THAT kind of role-play, you pervs.
She explains that today all the students will be assigned to various groups within an imaginary civilization and that this will somehow be educational. Meanwhile, Karma arrives on school grounds, looking pissed. Amy rushes over to Karma, looking panicked/wrecked. Karma asks if it’s true. Amy says “yes.”
Karma purposefully walks over to Amy — is she about to slap Amy in the face?
Nope.
Karma hugs Amy and says, “I’m sorry. Sorry that you had to go through it alone.”
Amy is confused. SO ARE WE.
Cut to the girls standing in line for their Hesteria assignments. Karma’s basically decided that the whole thing is Liam’s fault, because Amy would never betray her like that, RIGHT AMY?
Karma: Amy, this isn’t your fault. The only person to blame here is Liam fucking Booker. He took advantage of you the one time you were the most vulnerable!
Amy says she wanted to tell Karma sooner but —
Karma: Liam forced you not to! I knew it. He’s such a master manipulating monster, I can’t believe it took me this long to see it.
Before Amy can get a word in, they reach the front of the line and are assigned districts. Amy’s a Cloudspinner — they’re in charge and their word is law. So basically she’s a cis het white guy. Karma’s a Raindweller. Raindwellers serve the Cloudspinners, so basically she’s everybody else. Also, each Cloudspinner gets their own personal Raindweller slave! Amy insists that Penelope let her and Karma switch roles because DUH AMY IS TOTALLY A BOTTOM. No I think it’s ’cause the idea of Karma “serving” her on a day when Karma should be yelling at her makes Amy’s stomach hurt even more than it already does.
Elsewhere in the line-up, Liam is telling Shane that he just wants Karma to know that it meant nothing when he had sex with Amy. He was heartbroken and made a big fat mistake, that’s all! But Shane’s more worried about what Karma’s gonna do to Amy — until they cast their eyes cross-campus and spot Karma helping Amy put on her Splash Mountain poncho. “If Karma forgave Amy, maybe she’ll forgive me too,” opines Liam’s hair products.
Penelope assigns Liam and Shane to Team Mudmover, “scum of the earth, basically.”
Liam: Sounds about right.
Meanwhile, Lauren’s furious about being assigned to Team Mudmover and is even MORE furious when she spots her man — who’s been assigned to the Firedancer Police Squad — playing with a girl named Brandy and a giant phallic object. Brandy’s really pretty and tells Lauren that she and Theo are gonna go splitsies on a pot brownie.
Lauren says Theo’s not a stoner loser burnout like Brandy and will obviously take Lauren up on her offer for him to switch outfits with Leila and therefore become a Mudmover who can hang out with Lauren all day, but Theo says he’s gonna stick with his assignment. DUM DUM DUM.
Liam catches up with Karma and Amy but Karma’s not having it — she tells him to stay FAR AWAY from her and Amy.
Then she uses her CLOUDSPINNER POWERS to get the Firebrandspinstars to remove Liam from the premises. Liam is warned that should any Cloudspinner suffer a Nerf gun related injury by his hands this fine day, he’ll be sent to the basement to watch abstinence films all afternoon, as mandated by the state of Texas.
So Liam retires to a nice outdoor table, where he can text Karma over and over and over again.
Liam: Karma can’t ignore me forever, if I keep up my texting barrage, she’ll have to respond eventually.
Shane: You know, maybe she’s not getting your texts. None of my texts seem to be coming through either! I’m thinking there’s a sun flare?
Well the only sun flare around here is Amy the Raincloudbubble, who, on Karma’s orders, has arrived to decree that all Mud-movers must give up their phones because some of them can’t control their “TEXT-ual impulses.” GET IT? Liam’s livid that Amy’s been forgiven and he’s still in the doghouse.
Liam: Why is Karma forgiving you and blaming me? What did you tell her?
Amy: I’m not the one who’s been saying things I shouldn’t. You swore you’d never tell.
Liam: I’m sorry I broke that promise. But this isn’t fair. We both wanted to hurt Karma that night, and you know it. You’re letting me take the fall. I thought you had more integrity than that.
This’s fair, but Karma’s also sporting a really fucked-up method of conflict resolution by not pressing Amy for answers but feeding them to her instead. Lauren’s also unhappy this afternoon, and gets in a tiff with Brandy about whether or not Theo prefers “brownie” or “blondie.” Lauren Head Bitch In Charge cannot abide this slow-moving conflict.
Lauren, incensed, hits up the boys for backup.
Lauren: We need to break into the Cloudspinner’s Lair. Liam, you need your phone so you can talk to Karma. Shane, you need your phone so you can stare at it pathetically until Duke texts, and I need to keep Theo away from that slutface stoner.
What’s the plan, stan? Well, Lauren suggests a Trojan horse situation, but reasons the Cloudbangers will see that coming a mile away — until she realizes that she’s the only person in her English class who’s been keeping up with The Iliad this semester.
Shane: I was gonna skim it.
Well, well, well, then. TROJAN HORSE IT IS.
