After a thrilling commercial break, we return to find the wedding has reached the part where adults smear cake all over each other’s faces.
Meanwhile, Amy tells Karma that Farrah grounded her for two weeks just for dancing. Eh, I suspect she was grounded for a little more than dancing…
“What is this, the sequel to Footloose?” Amy asks, because she’s clever and perfect. Amy suggests that maybe instead of giving the toast she planned to give, she could just tell everybody how Farrah got her a padded training bra for her tenth birthday.
Karma: “Don’t cross over to the dark side. Humiliating your mother at a wedding isn’t gonna make you feel any better, it’s just gonna push you two further apart and I know deep down that’s not really what you want.”
We’re then subjected to our 16th “How do you do that? Know me better than I know myself?” dialogue exchange between Amy and Karma and its subsequent hug. Before they can linger too long, the wedding party is called to the front of the room and Karma is summoned by a scary monster underneath the table.
Oh whoops sorry! That was Howie Mandel as Maurice in the 1989 Fred Savage classic Little Monsters. Here, this is from the show:
Lauren starts her toast by talking about how her Dad took her to the beach and the sand was really hot as Amy searches for Karma who is, of course, under the table and dreaming with Liam.
Liam is feeling a bit uncertain about the present situation:
Liam: “Just checking, Are you sure you and Amy have broken up?”
Karma: “What are you talking about?”
Liam: “Well, I saw the two of you dancing and you sure looked like a couple.”
Karma: “We’re faking it. Big time.”
Liam: “I just don’t wanna be like those sad women on Dr.Phil who date married men who promise to leave their wives but they never do.”
Karma: “Well, that’s not what’s going on here, okay? Amy and I are still best friends but that’s it. And I find your insecurity adorable.”
Liam says his family is so good at lying that he assumes everybody else is, too, and that he doesn’t want any secrets between them so “from now on, nothing but the truth.” They pinky swear it.
REAL TALK: you absolutely cannot be in a relationship with somebody who thinks you just got out of a serious lesbian relationship that never actually happened. Like there’s just no way that can work. That lie is too big, you might as well just date Don Draper.
Back at The Toast, Lauren is saying that Farrah is the mother she never had and that she loves her so so so much.
Lauren gets all teary and hopes that each of their tomorrows will be better than their yesterdays, which is totally a line from the toast that Karma told Amy not to give.
Now it’s Amy’s turn and she’s nervous as fuck and her best friend / imaginary girlfriend is nowhere to be found!
“Love is a many splendored thing…” Amy begins, all tripped up, wondering where Karma is.
Until she stops wondering because there she is, right in her sightline, and then everything clicks and gets real clear.
She begins:
Amy: “I suck at giving speeches, so I’m gonna try speaking from the heart. Mom, Bruce, you’re lucky, you’ve fallen in love with your best friend…”
This is a good speech strategy! When in doubt, just talk about yourself! This is probably what Lizz will do at my wedding as soon as I can trick somebody into marrying me.
Amy: “…the person who accepts you at your worst, the person who laughs at your stupid jokes, the person who knows you better than you know yourself.”
It’s around this point that Karma begins realizing that Amy isn’t talking about Farrah and Bruce — she’s talking about Karma.
Amy: “I would kill to spend the rest of my life with that person.”
Oh boi.
It seems like the whole room is on pause but then Amy breaks it, earning a laugh.
Amy: “I mean, wouldn’t we all?”
And just as Amy’s finishing her tearful toast, who should emerge from behind the table but Little Monster Liam.
Damn.
Cut to Amy’s bedroom, where she’s pacing in agony. Karma comes in and asks if they can talk about the toast, but Amy says that now is not the time for constructive criticism. Good news: that’s not what Karma’s here for.
Karma: “I think I finally understand why you get so upset every time I mention —”
Amy: “Liam? You brought him here? I saw him crawl out from under the table like a cockroach.”
Karma insists she had no idea Liam was a giant bug who showed up uninvited dressed like a cater-waiter at other people’s weddings, and Amy’s unsure why he’d show up at all considering Karma already told her it was over between them. Karma says that actually it isn’t, she’s just been unable to share the dirt with Amy ’cause Amy freaks out every time Liam comes up, much like the rest of us.
Karma says she thinks she knows why Amy’s so anti-Liam:
Karma: “Amy, do you have feelings for me?”
Amy: “What? No! Ew.”
Karma: “I can tell when you’re lying.”
Amy: “Oh really? Because i’ve been lying ever since we kissed at the homecoming assembly!”
Karma doesn’t know if she should feel hurt or alarmed.
Karma: “You’ve had these feelings for weeks and you never told me?”
Amy: “I was afraid I’d lose you.”
Karma steps forward and takes Amy’s arms, looks her best friend in the eye.
Karma: “You could never lose me. Look this is no big deal, right now you’re just confused —”
Amy: “No, no I’m not! I know you felt what I felt during the threesome when we kissed.”
Karma: “Amy—”
Amy: “There’s a spark between us! You can’t deny it.”
Karma takes a step back.
Karma: “Was it hot? Yeah! But -”
Amy: “At first, I didn’t wanna have these feelings either. They’re scary! But they’re scary because they’re exciting, like bungee jumping! And I know you’ve always wanted to try that.”
Karma isn’t on board, you can see it in her eyes. Like not even a little bit. Like Amy is over there somewhere, and Karma is somewhere else, somewhere normal and sometimes gross but ultimately honest, too, for herself. And Amy’s somewhere is beautiful and hopeful but it isn’t real, and maybe she isn’t realizing how invested she was in that sliver of possibility until it starts dissolving before her very eyes.
Karma cry-whisper-pleads, “please don’t,” but Amy is finally speaking her truth and once you get started there’s no looking back, you know?
Amy: “Karma, step off the ledge with me! Everybody already thinks we’re lesbians, let’s give the people what they want.”
Karma: “STOP!”
Amy: [crying] “I love you!!”
Karma: “I love you too, Amy. More than anyone else on earth. Just not like that.”
And now Amy is really crying, like just really crying.
Amy: “But — how can you — tell — if you don’t try?”
Karma: “I slept with Liam.”
Karma’s words punch Amy in the heart. Amy walks out without another word, and we pan to the bathroom, where we discover Lauren’s been listening this whole time, because that girl has LITERALLY NOTHING BETTER TO DO EVER.
Back at the wedding, the cater-waiters survey the dying of the light while Shane complains that he’s bored of doing work for free. Liam asks if Shane had a chance to chat with Pablo, but Shane says, “let’s just say I heard everything I needed to hear.” Liam’s like, okay awesome, I’m just gonna wait for Karm — and before he can finish the word, Shane finishes it for him.
Shane: “Karma? She’s the reason you wanted to come! I thought you two were done.”
Liam: “We were, but, man I know this sounds cheesy but I’ve fallen for her. Yeah, me! Liam Booker.
Shane: “Oh my god. I’m guessing she feels the same way.”
Shane looks despondent. A fellow Gay Scout has been lost in the battle, is bleeding on the sidelines.
Shane: “Poor Amy.”
Liam: “Hey don’t worry, everything is on the up and up! Amy knows all about it! In fact, she’s 100% on board.”
Shane rolls his eyes and goes, “right,” and Liam knows something is up. Shane relents that yup, there’s something Liam needs to know that Shane’s been keeping to himself not expecting the Liam/Karma ‘ship to ever actually sail. SHANE IS GONNA SPILL THE DIRT.
Elsewhere at the sad party, Amy is finally getting drunk. I’ve been waiting for these kids to get drunk and make out since Episode One, this context is not exactly what I had in mind.
Amy’s on her fourth or 14th glass of champagne when Lauren saddles up with two pieces of wedding cake and a heavy heart.
Amy: “Is it poisoned?”
Lauren: “No, but it’s what I wanna eat whenever I get dumped.”
Amy: “I didn’t get dumped.”
Lauren: “I was eavesdropping from the bathroom.”
Amy wonders if this is an extortion scheme, but Lauren insists she’s just trying to empathize ’cause she knows a thing or two about being rejected when you are at your most vulnerable ’cause she shared a secret with Tommy and he dropped her like a hot potato.
Amy: “Tommy’s an asshole.”
Lauren: “Welp, Karma’s a bitch.”
PRAISE JESUS I’VE BEEN WAITING ALL SEASON FOR SOMEBODY TO SAY THAT, like come on you can’t name a character Karma and then never say that.
Cut to The Party Tent In The Yard That Never Ends, where Liam is doing his part to make sure not a drop of champagne is being wasted. Karma shows up, full of regret and sadness:
Karma: “Well, I told Amy about us. Didn’t go well.”
Liam: “Yeah, it must be hard to break up with your fake girlfriend. I mean there’s so many ways to play it — there’s sad, relieved, angry?”
Damn. Karma’s been caught and she knows it.
Liam: “Don’t deny it. Shane told me everything.”
Karma: “Liam, I can explain —”
Liam: “Like I’d believe you.”
Liam broods off, leaving Karma all alone without anybody to go down on her.
Elsewhere at this magestic fiesta, Pablo finds his pal Shane sitting alone, wondering how Pablo manages to “be so good all the time.”
Shane: “You know, I like to think I’m a good person, but then I do all these bad things like outing people’s pill-popping and keeping secrets from my best friend.”
Pablo: “Hey, we all make mistakes. Don’t put me on a pedestal. I’m no angel.”
Shane: “Yeah, I’m sure you’re the meanest volunteer at the Soup Kitchen.”
Pablo: “You know Cherokee legend says there are two wolves within each of us. One good and one evil. The one that survives is the one that we feed.”
Shane: “Did you seriously just quote a Cherokee legend?”
Now Shane wants to make out, but before they go one inch further into kissing-land, Pablo wants to be sure that Shane knows that Pablo is celibate and won’t have sex ’til marriage. I feel like this is definitely not gonna work out for Shane but it seems like he’s pretending it will for now, so!
Karma’s made it back to her bedroom in record time, where her Adorable Hippie Mom is stroking her hair and saying, “you’ll work it out, you always do. I believe in fate, and if you’re meant to be with Amy, you will be, and if you’re not, there’s so many other girls out there.”
The pep talk just makes Karma cry even more, because she just wants Liam, and wanting Liam is really depressing because of the patriarchy and my feelings.
Back at the wedding, Amy’s seeking clarification on why she can’t be served some more champagne considering it’s her Mom’s party, ya big dummies!
Drunk and despondent and crying, Amy looks out across the street as the catering van pulls away, revealing a brooding Liam leaning against a white fence.
Amy looks at Liam.
Liam looks at Amy.
And we all know what happens next, right?
I know what this looks like, but I don’t think that this is that. I mean, you probably will disagree, because historically, this is what happens to our stories, you know, that our prospective lesbian will end up in bed with a man, but I don’t think this is Amy liking men or Amy liking Liam or anything like that. I think this is like Rayanne Graff and Jordan Catalano in his car, or, although far less frivolous than this context, Alice and Lara at the end of The L Word Season Three. Rayanne and Jordan wanted Angela but Angela was better than both of them, then, and so they settled for wanting Angela with eyes closed mouth-to-mouth. Alice and Lara wanted Dana but in her absence, turned maddeningly to each other. Liam wants Karma but doesn’t trust her anymore, Amy wants Karma but Karma doesn’t want her back. Because humans are also animals, sometimes.
But damn, do I wish this episode had ended another way.
If you haven’t now given up on this situation altogether, there will be a Season Two, and I have faith that the outcry from lesbian fandom will be so terrifying that they’ll have no choice but to give Amy a girlfriend next season. #Jasmy #vespadate.
UPDATE: Buzzfeed has a SUPER thorough interview where the show creator answers like so many of your questions. Also he says Karma and Amy are the Ross and Rachel of this series. He also says some things you won’t like. Also he says this:
Were you surprised by the backlash you got before the show even started?
CC: I wasn’t surprised, because I had that same initial reaction when I heard the concept, because MTV brought me the concept. My first reaction was,Whoa, that could be really controversial, to play someone’s sexuality as a joke.And then when I realized I could put my own experiences — of growing up and having feelings for my friends and not being able to express it — into the show, and I pitched them that and they were very excited about that, I realized MTV and I were excited about making the same show. I think in my head, I thought,Oh, people will see. They’ll get it from the trailers. And then they didn’t really.
That’s not true — we did! And so did several other publications, including Buzzfeed, and the fandom is pretty significant. I feel like the buzz is generally positive, but also I have been pretty much insane for the last week and might have no idea what I’m talking about!
