Welcome to the sixth recap of the first season of Faking It, a gothic horror story from the network that brought you Bam’s Unholy Union and From G’s to Gents.
We open in Amy’s boudoir, where our favorite fake lesbian couple, Karma and Amy, are chatting about that time Karma told that slab of roast beef she has a crush on that they could all enjoy a little three-way summer cabbage together as a family.
Karma’s got some ‘splaining to do:
Karma: “You know how I thought that Liam pulled away because he wasn’t into me? Turns out he’s way into me, he just felt too guilty sneaking around behind your back. I heard that and I don’t know what came over me, I just -”
Amy: “Suggested a menage a trois?”
Karma: “Don’t worry I’m gonna tell him that I had a brief lapse in sanity. I mean, we couldn’t. We wouldn’t. You wouldn’t.” [pause] “Would you?”
Amy: “No, Karma, I would not have a fucking threesome with you and Liam!”
Cut to Blue Oasis in the Heart of Red Texas High School, where the Gay Scouts are enjoying a stroll on the promenade. Shane thinks Amy should TOTALLY have a fucking threesome with Liam.
Shane: “Amy, this might as well be a big bi-curious batsignal in the sky. Karma wants you to have sex with her!”
Karma:Â “With her and a guy!”
Shane: “One does not suggest a threeway with one’s bff all willy-nilly. She has to be into you. In part or subconsciously or whatever.”
Amy tells Shane not to get her hopes up about Karma’s sexual desires and also re-states her lack of interest in honing Liam’s horn. Shane insists no hiding of Liam’s salami will be necessary, ’cause Liam and Amy can both focus on Karma and ignore each other. Shane’s an expert on threeways ’cause he fiddled on more than just the roof at theater camp.
Shane: “Trust me, this is the perfect way to see how Karma feels about you!”
To be fair, every girl-boy-girl threesome situation I’ve participated in did eventually turn into a girl-girl twosome situation. Although “eventually” sometimes means like, “a year later.” But also sometimes “eventually” meant “that very same night.” What I’m saying is that ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN. But before we can get too deep into this ish, Karma busts up their private convo and the Shane-Amy-Karma conversational threesome becomes an Amy-Karma conversation twosome. Amy takes a deep breath and lets it out:
Amy: “I think we should do it. The threesome, I mean.”
Karma: “Amy you’d do that for me? Are you sure about this?”
Amy: “If you’re… sure?”
Then they hug and Amy, knowing that she’s got a little extra leeway now, holds Karma just a little bit longer, and tighter too.
Karma:Â “Oh my G-d Amy I love you I promise it won’t be weird at all!”
Amy:Â “I’m not sure that there’s a way around that.”
Affirmative.
Snap to a room whose identity is currently under contention: Shane says it’s his yoga room, Lauren says it’s her dance studio and I say it’s a room for me to dance around to the Spring Awakening soundtrack in private. Apparently Lauren’s practicing for the Lone Star Big Ranch Steakhouse Supreme Dance Tango Event Hurrah. In fact, she’s currently awaiting the arrival of her dance partner.
Shane: “Ah, Bigot Barbie comes with her own Closet Case Ken.”
Lauren: “Bigot? For the record, I’ve never been anti-gay. I’ve just been anti-you.”
Then, Lauren’s dance partner, Pablo, arrives in his Warblers uniform and announces that he’s not a closet case.
However, Pablo tripped on a nail gun at Habitat For Humanity last weekend which means Lauren’s got no dance partner for the big dancey dance dance! Obvs Shane volunteers, narrowly beating out Bradley Cooper’s character from Silver Linings Playbook for the prized spot on the twosome team.
Pablo: “We don’t have time for an audition montage. Shane’s here, he’s willing — don’t you wanna win?”
Snap over to The Metal Lounge, where Liam’s supes nervous to see Amy and Karma in front of his meatface. He splurges water all over himself just thinking about these two ladies scissoring.
Karma: “Liam, you remember Amy.”
Liam: “Of course, hello, Amy.”
Amy: “Hey, let’s have a threesome.”
You guys. You guys I just love Amy so much.
Anyhow, Liam’s shocked and awed — he’d assumed Karma was just joking and full of empty promises, just like all those other ladies who promised threesomes and never followed through.
Karma: “Well, we’re lesbians. Our word is our bond.”
Amy: “Our people never joke about threesomes. It’s a whole…thing.”
It’s true, we only joke about veganism, moving trucks and Jenny Schecter. Anyhow, Amy says they’re totes sure, if he’s sure, and like, also if they’re both sure, and is he sure though? Or is he unsure? Well here’s the thing: he is absolutely sure, like for sure sure.
Liam: “I just don’t want you to think that I’m some womanizing heteronormative bro dude who’s gonna brag to his buddies. You know, I’m just all for openness and sexual exploration.”
HAHAHA TOO LATE.
Amy’s like okay neat, let’s pick a time. How is Saturday. Everybody feels great about Saturday!
Liam: “Should I bring anything?”
Amy: “A deep fried appetizer sampler, extra calamari.”
Karma: “She’s kidding. This one! Just bring your sexy open minded self.”
Liam says he’s got this all totally under control and will provide all the things.
Back in the danceathon studio, Pablo and Shane are getting to know each other. Pablo goes to a prestigious Christian prep school and Shane is like, oh wow that’s THE WORST. But Pablo says it’s totally not the worst and he hopes Shane isn’t one of those closed-minded people who hates all Christians.
Shane is like no I love spirituality, I just did this GOOP cleanse, and then Pablo is like, omg I also GOOP, and then Lauren and I are both like OMG STOP.
Cut to the principal’s office, where two bros are arguing about a sport involving balls on a field and one of them has a tampon in his nose and Principal Penelope Deliah Fisher is gonna get them a steak to put on that shiner.
Liam strolls in on his mobile to totally raid the school’s free condom supply. He’s also leaving Shane a voicemail about his impending threesome. Bro #1 and Bro #2 overhear Liam talking about a threesome and are overcome with BRO DESIRES and must immediately step in to tell Liam he’s gotta go through with this threesome with TWO HOT LESBIANS.
Bro #1:Â “You’re living every straight guy’s fantasy!”
Bro #2:Â “Screw Beckham, you’re my hero now.”
Liam:Â “It probably won’t happen, I don’t even have a place!”
The two bros say a bunch of weirdo gross things and I want to stick tampons in their eyeballs. NEXT!
