Cut to later that same day, I guess, because apparently Blue Oasis In The Red State of Texas High School is much like Rosewood High School insofar that attending classes is more or less optional. Shane is offering a critique of Amy’s weird SYZZR profile.
The profile is entirely dedicated to things Amy doesn’t like, which includes and is not limited to: people who buy jeans with holes in them, people who prefer mayo to ketchup, girls who wear cowboy hats, people who think “conversate” is a word, people who like reggae and people who wear sunglasses inside.
Shane:Â “This profile sounds a wee bit negative.”
Amy:Â “I’m already faking one relationship, if I’m gonna have a real one I want her to love me for me.”
Shane: (adorable facial expression)Â “That’s not how online dating works.”
Just as Shane’s declaring that it’d be a miracle for Amy to get a hit off this, G-d strikes her tablet with his mighty lighting rod and bestows a certifiably “super-cute” lady upon Amy. YAY!
Back at Good Karma’s Pink Truck Of Love And Kale Pineapple Chakra, Luke’s chatting about how lovely Luke and Molly are, and Molly needs help composting her scraps, and Karma hates everything.
For some reason, Liam is being totally nice and normal and is seriously in love with Karma’s parents, who are also super into Liam and also sad that Karma has announced that Liam will be departing the premises immediately without asking for Liam’s consent first.
Molly says Liam reminds her of their dear son Zen who recently dropped out of Amherst to dig wells in Zimbabwe and is a special soul full of integrity and passion, just like Liam! Karma’s got a little something to say about THAT:
Karma:Â “Integrity? Liam wouldn’t know what integrity was if he searched for it on Skorkle.”
Liam:Â “You saw.”
Liam: “Saw what? Saw you protesting all day against The Man — or, “the woman” — from Skorkle. The one you slept with, remember her?”
[BURNNN]
Liam:Â “I didn’t sleep with her.”
Karma:Â “Yeah, because you’re so discriminating in that department.”
Liam: “She’s my sister!
Mhm. That’s what they all say.
Don’t worry, this isn’t a Flowers in the Attic remake, that already happened.
Back at Chez Fawcett, Amy’s dressing up for her big date with Jasmine from Syzzor. “It’s a little too ‘I’m trying to be a professional lesbian,’” says Shane of her outfit, and Amy wonders if she should go “more lipstick.” This reminds me of me, except I was 23 and didn’t know if I should go as Shane or Bette. It was a very trying time.
Shane: “What happened to just wanting to be yourself?”
Amy: “That was before she was cute. And myself would wear my donut shirt and bacon shirts.”
Shane: “It is unfortunate that your favorite clothes are food-themed.”
SLASH AMAZING. Then Karma calls, of course, and Amy’s cracking under pressure, it has been 15 hours!!! But she resists the urge to answer. Shane says Amy is putting way too much pressure on Jasmine and this one little lady-date and also that she shouldn’t let Jasmine rub Amy’s bottle until Date Two.
As she ventures into these uncharted territories, he’ll be waiting at home reading her diary. Just kidding, he’s gonna creep on Lauren!
Unfortunately, Lauren’s naked on her bed snapping a selfie, so they both scream bloody horror and Shane re-closes the door, only to re-open it a moment later to declare “bad angle, wrong lighting, add filter.”
Lauren yells for him to shut the door but quickly changes her mind because she’s straight and he’s queer, there was like, AN ENTIRE SHOW ABOUT IT on Bravo like a decade ago.
Cut to Amy’s date with Jasmine, who indeed is smokin’Â hot and also sort of casually femme in a Karma-esque way and she’s telling Amy about how everyone at her school is super gross about her being gay. Also, she totally read about Amy being homecoming queen (probs on Autostraddle) and was really jealous and impressed.
Amy’s like oh yeah, I guess my school pretty cool and I should stop hating on it, but Jasmine says it’s okay to hate high school ’cause it’s high school and everybody hates it, and then they both say “it’s like World War II” at the same time. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS WE HAVE A LOVE MATCH!!!!!
Jasmine leans in and starts telling Amy about how she got a Vespa and rode it into the canyons last weekend but before she can invite Amy on a wild Vespa ride into the horizon, Amy inexplicably leaps across the table, tries to kiss her, is pushed off with a “whoah, dude” and then Amy runs away.
You guys, Amy is not very good at this.
Back at Chez Fawcett, Shane’s taking super-sexy glamour shots of Lauren, who is very petulant but eventually appreciative of how hot she looks without even having to show her boobs.
Shane:Â “I just can’t stop changing lives today.”
Snap back to the aborted lady date, which Amy is apparently now attending from outside the building on a bench. Jasmine, because lesbians are awesome and kind, comes around the bend.
Amy: “Can we just pretend that didn’t happen? That coffee shop brings out the worst in me.”
Jasmine: “As much as I’d like to think that kiss is ’cause you find me irresistible, I’m sensing there’s something else going on.”
Psychic!
Amy: “I kissed my best friend Karma and now nothing makes sense.”
Jasmine says she’s “been there” and Amy just about leaps out of her pants with excitement to discover she has somebody she can relate to! Silly Amy, she should’ve just read this thread. Or this April Fools joke.
Jasmine: “Oh yeah, being with her was torture, not being with her was torture. I wanted to tell her but I knew I’d risk everything if I did.”
Amy: “Yeah exactly. What did you do?”
Jasmine: “I finally told her.”
Amy: “And?”
Jasmine: “And, I’m on a date with you.”
WOMP WOMP.
Jasmine says that maybe it’ll be different for Ames and Karm-Karm, but if it isn’t, Amy can call her, call her anytime, and then Jasmine can help her “pick up the pieces,” which is code for “have lesbian sex.” Or um, “hook up, bond, nest and fall in love.”
Cut to the art room of death and metal, where Liam is banging things with a large rod. I actually wrote that sentence without realizing the double meaning, I want you to know that. I’M TEN STEPS AHEAD OF MYSELF.
Anyhow Karma wants to apologize, but Liam is still pissed and finally admits the truth: HIS FAMILY OWNS SKORKLE, and his sister’s gonna take over the business after his Dad retires, and it’s all a BIGÂ secret. Only Shane knows the truth. I’d be so annoyed because let’s be real, Liam’s family probably has a pool, and if you have a pool, you should let your friends come over and swim in your pool, not walk around with all your secrets like a big Scrooge. It’s not complicated, Liam.
Karma comments that Liam must be super-rich, but Liam says money turned his entire family into assholes and he wants nothing to do with it! No money for Liam! He is gonna be really surprised to find out that not having any money also makes you really cranky and can also make people act like assholes. Ah, youth. Before you find out that people are just who they are, and all money changes is how precisely that plays out. He should take all their money and give it to Autostraddle, duh.
Liam says actually his family is WAY more fucked up than he could ever explain, and Karma attempts to relate, saying her family is image-conscious but in the other direction, and she never felt like they liked her very much until she came out, and she worries that her sexual orientation is the most interesting thing about her. Actually the most interesting thing about her is her parents, but whatever. “It isn’t,” says Liam, belting like a caveman surrounded by ceramics.
Then sexy music starts and he finishes his sentence and I go to the refrigerator and get some string cheese and some cashews, my favorite afternoon snack, and nibble on them for a bit until talking parts happen again, namely the part where Karma says she’s ready to Get Jack in The Orchard but he says, “Sorry, I can’t.” Karma looks like she’s about to cry, sadface.
Back at Chez Fawcett, Shane really is reading Amy’s diary when she shows up and says the girl was fantastic but Amy messed it all up. Shane says she’s gotta get back on the horse, but Amy says she doesn’t want to, she just wants Karma. Shane declares her an official Karmasexual. She flops onto the bed in despair.
Now it’s time for The Talk. The What Are You Gonna Do About Your Crush On Your Straight Best Friend, Ya Big Weirdo Talk.
Shane:Â “Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
Amy: “She’s been my best friend since kindergarten, if I tell her things will get weird and we’ll drift apart until one day we’ll meet in line at the grocery store and say polite hellos and pretend like we didn’t once know everything there was to know about each other.”
Firstly, knowing they’ve been besties since kindergarten is very useful information and makes a lot of sense. Secondly… well. I hope this works out.
Shane:Â “Or you tell her and she feels the same way and live happily ever after.”
Amy:Â “Yeah right.”
Shane:Â “I’ve seen you two together, she’s always kissing you or holding your hand, it’s pretty clear she loves you.”
Amy: “As a friend.”
Shane: “She’s been texting you all day, I’ve never seen so much emoji abuse! She’s clearly got her own version of your crazy going on.”
Amy: “No, it’s not the same.”
Basically the takeaway here is that Shane is a Karmy shipper — he sees the sexual tension (don’t we all!) and he wants it to mean something, because he wants to believe, against all odds, that we too can have nice things.
Shane:Â “How do you know? Maybe, just maybe, she feels the same way about you but is also too scared to say so. After all it takes two people to make a good kiss.”
Amy:Â “What about her obsession with Liam?”
Shane:Â “Classic overcompensation. I pined after Emily Michaels, the most unavailable girl in third grade, because deep down I didn’t want her to be available. You’ll never figure this out from hiding from her.”
Unfortunately, Amy and Shane are not privy to the Karma/Liam romance we’ve been forced to endure for all these beautiful minutes of our tiny young lives. Then they would know that it’s not overcompensation, it’s just… Karma actually liking Liam. But she also really clearly likes Amy. I don’t know you guys. I JUST DON’T KNOW. If Alex was here, she would tell me about that time she got her straight best friend in high school to be her girlfriend for like two years. But it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, I can tell you that. Although in an odd twist, if Karma picks Amy, she’ll be making her parents happy. In another odd twist, I don’t really like Karma, so. But also, I always vote for the lesbian couple, like, as a rule. What do you guys think?
As if on cue, Amy’s phone starts a-buzzing and Amy picks up. “Karma? Hey.” AND SCENE.
Here’s everything I know about next week’s episode: There will be some wedding-related situations with Amy and Lauren’s parents, Liam will talk to Karma about his feelings and Liam and Shane will go to Twain to get some tail. Oh, and there will probably be lots of suggestive sexual tension between Amy and Karma. Just guessing.
