Cut to the obviously already insufferable open mike, where Soleil’s delivering a passionate spoken word piece about Big Brother and her lungs bleeding.
Liam tells Karma how sexy Soleil is and Karma attempts to talk shop about tits but Liam insists it’s Soleil’s PASSION that really gets his rocks off, not her hot bod or deconstructed t-shirt.
Then Soleil and Liam say gross sex things to each other about sneaking off to the supply closet while Karma, determined to beat Soleil at this Passion Play, makes her way to the stage…
Back in Oliver’s Control Station, Oliver poignantly notes that “this school prides itself so much on celebrating everybody’s differences, but everyone is so desperate to fit in,” and then he and Amy say “I can’t wait for college” at the exact same time. Me neither, let’s have a spinoff called Amy Does The Seven Sisters!
Oliver tells Amy that he’s “noticed her before” because “it’s rare you find a girl who’s so pretty and she doesn’t even know it.” Seriously though how could she not know it? Then they almost kiss, but they don’t kiss, because before they can kiss, Oliver pulls away and is like, oh it sucks that I finally meet a girl I like and she turns out to be a lesbian!
Amy starts waffling and prepares to tell him the truth but before the words can be spoken, she spies out of the corner of her eye, Karma playing guitar for a bunch of girls and guys! Amy’s so excited she dashes right out of the lair to see the wonderment for herself.
Amy dashes out into the Open Mike, flushed with happiness that Karma’s finally playing for an audience of fellow human beings, and FUCK it just breaks your fucking heart how happy Amy is to see her!
Amy waves, she smiles, she squeals inside, and for one brief sweet moment before Amy realizes that Karma is obviously singing a song for a dumb piece of pot roast named Liam McIHateYourFace, everything is good in the world.
The lyrics of Karma’s little tome include:
When I’m with you I don’t have to hide
When I’m with you I can be myself
Something changed the moment we kissed
I never knew it could feel like this
We keep it hush hush undercover
but it’s a rush rush being your lover
and if it’s not too much could you have a crush on me
We keep it hush hush and discover
and it’s a rush when we’re together
yeah I have a crush and I just want you to see
That you were never a secret to me
Gradually, it begins to click in Amy’s mind exactly what is happening here.
Amy, obviously grossed out, hits the road. Shane watches Liam, listens to Karma, sees Amy jet — and Shane knows the fucking score, right away.
Here’s the thing: Sometimes I look back on high school and think, was it normal for me to care so much about who my female friends were dating, or was that a sign of latent lesbianism? It doesn’t help that so many of my best friends in middle school also turned out to be bi or gay. So I’m not sure if I’m actually 100% familiar with The Proper Way To Feel About Your Female Friends Dating Asshats, but I endeavor to suggest that even if Amy was 100% straight and had zero interest in Karma, she still has a case for being really fucking furious about this situation.”When I’m with you I can be myself?” Really? Seems like the entire premise of Karma and Liam’s relationship is pretty much the exact opposite of that sentiment.
As the scene comes to its noted end, Lauren & The L Words show up in head-to-toe Fake Google swag, carting a shit-ton of pizza, attempting to entice them to abandon their principles in favor of pepperoni.
Liam tells the students that they have a hunger inside of them but it’s not for food, it’s for justice and righteousness. The kids are like, nope, we’re definitely just hungry for food, let’s eat some motherfucking pizza. And thus the protest is over!
Elsewhere in this fine educational institution, Amy’s stuffing shit into her bag from her locker when Karma rolls up full of giddy excitement about her big performance! Isn’t Amy so glad that Karma didn’t pee in her pants?!!!
Obviously Karma quickly learns that Amy isn’t super thrilled for her after all. It’s a specific kind of sadness, and a familiar one, the sadness you feel when a person you’ve loved and believed in and encouraged and supported for so long to do [thing they’re really good at] suddenly is willing to do [thing they’re really good at] for somebody brand new, even though they’d never have done it just for you.
Amy: “It’s too bad you didn’t, I hear Liam finds that to be a real turn-on.”
Karma: “Wait, are you mad? I thought you’d be proud of me. You’ve always said that I should sing in public.”
Amy: “Yeah, and you never have — but the second it impresses some boy you’re out there belting it like Adele.”
Karma: “I don’t get it.” [pause]Â “You really think I sounded like Adele?”
Amy: “I am SO sick of the way you’ve been acting lately. Chaining yourself to doors, calling out hunger strikes, and for what, so some boy you hardly know will fall in love with you? What do you even know about Liam except that he’s the hottest guy in school?”
Karma: “I know that he’s into protesting things. And he fights against corporate greed, and he has integrity -”
Amy: “Maybe he can lend you some.”
Karma: “You need to eat. You’re always bitchy when you’re hungry. And so WHAT if I like the hottest guy in school? I’m a fucking teenage girl.”
DAMN. No but really, nobody’s mad at you for liking the hottest guy in school — she’s mad at you for acting like a dumbshit about liking the hottest guy in school. Karma stomps off to go be an idiot somewhere else and, as if on cue, Oliver pops around the corner with pizza for two!
Amy, obviously very upset, immediately lays a smackaroo on his cheeky mouth and then is like, oops, that was gross. Sorry byeeeee
I think this scene is supposed to mean that Amy doesn’t like boys? Because usually on television all you need is one kiss to know either way, e.g., when Amy kissed Karma. It’s magical!
Meanwhile within the hallowed halls of Hester High, Lauren and Principle Penelope Deliah Fisher polish out their deal — Lauren threw a pizza party in everybody’s pants, therefore Principle Penelope Deliah Fisher’s gonna give Lauren better bathroom lighting, chair of the prom committee and handicapped parking passes 4 lyfe. Poor Penelope Deliah Fisher.
Meanwhile outside the hallowed halls of Hester High, Karma’s being a creepy stalker watching Liam and Soleil bid one another adieu for the evening. Clearly she’s hoping that Liam’s rejecting Soleil’s desire to get a hot beef injection later in favor of playing tonsil hockey with Karma.
But ALAS (not really) before Karma can get too giddy, a dark car pulls up next to Liam, the Fake Google Girl emerges from the vehicle, and invites Liam inside. He enters. She follows. SOME INTEGRITY LIAM.
Cut to Amy’s bedroom at night, where Amy’s in her cute lounge pants and her cute henley shirt when Shane busts in to tell her that her girlfriend is hooking up with Liam. Amy pretends to be surprised for like a minute and then is like, yeah oops I know.
Shane:Â “Wait wait so you knew she’s also into guys?”
Amy: “I had a clue.”
Shane:Â “Ah, the elusive bisexual. They are a tricky beast.”
Shane pulls Amy in for a squeeze of brotherly love.
Shane:Â “I’ve been down this yellow brick road before. Dating someone bi is a lesson in insecurity.”
Amy: “Yeah, I wish she was bi.”
Shane: “Trust me I saw the way her and Liam were eye-humping, I felt like I should break into the chemistry lab and [something I can’t make out despite watching the episode four times].“
Amy, who I believe has already forewarned us that she is a terrible liar, cannot manage more than ten seconds of lying to Shane, so here we go:
Amy: “If I tell you something super secret, you promise you won’t tell anyone?”
Shane: “Gay Scouts Honor!”
Amy: “Um, Karma and I are faking it.”
Shane: “What like orgasms? Because my Mom sells adult toys from the trunk of her car. Long story, but I can get you a discount.”
Amy: “No, we’re faking being lesbians. Karma is. I’m not so sure.”
Shane: “You have my attention.”
AND MINE JESUS FUCK WHAT HAPPENS NEXT??!!!
Next week on Faking It, Amy tries to get a girlfriend who also likes girls!
http://youtu.be/oAPCVFvCLjo
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THIS EPISODE, CHIPMUNKS?