Cut to school the next day, where Amy’s asking Shane to be her pretend date to homecoming. He’s just gotta pose for some pics and it’ll be totes NBD!
Shane:Â “When I came out, I swore as G-d as my witness I would never pretend to be someone else again.”
Amy:Â “Well Scarlett, it’s kinda your fault I’m in this mess, remember, so the least you can do is stop my former beauty queen Republican mother from finding out.”
Shane:Â “Okay. Mostly because I feel bad but also because she sounds AMAZING.”
Gay boys love fancy Southern debutante moms. It’s a fact. Like how lesbians love sea mammals. Except me. I’m sort of impartial to sea mammals.
Meanwhile in the Death of Art Room, Liam and Karma are making out ravenously and she admits that she’s never Taken A Baloney Ride with a dude before, but they’re still gonna totally go for it! Then some girls walk in and interrupt them HOW SAD
It’s Homecoming Eve at the Fawcetts, and Shane’s dressed, in Amy’s words, “like Matthew McConaughey in Magic Mike.” Shane insists this is the butchiest butch he can possibly butch and also, whatever, it’s Texas.
Farrah and Shane fall instantly in love as he lays on the compliments real thick, and Farrah is super-eager to capture this moment on camera.
Farrah says tonight’s shaping up to be a perfect night, ’cause Amy’s wearing a dress and Farrah got her very first reporting assignment! Yup, Farrah’s pitched the Lesbian Homecoming Queens story to the local news! In other words: AMY IS TOTALLY FUCKED.
Amy immediately rings Karma, who’s already at the dance probs thinking about whether or not she should use strawberry lube or some other kind of lube for her ram-rodding later. Karma’s also heard that they’re gonna be on the news and is SUPER excited about it… until Amy informs her that Farrah’s gonna be the newslady in question.
Amy promises she’ll find a way to spoil Farrah’s plan if Karma can just stall the ceremonies, but before Karma can commence stalling, Principle Penelope Deliah Fisher arrives:
Penelope:Â “I didn’t have a chance to order a second tiara, so would one of you be willing to wear the crown? I’m guessing Amy but I don’t want to make assumptions.”
Karma:Â “Yeah, that’s definitely more her.”
Then Liam and Karma send each other stupid text messages about meeting up in his car.
So, Amy keeps a screwdriver in her bra.
Shane: “Have you had that in there the whole time?”
Amy:Â “I hate carrying a purse.”
Amy’s big plan is to let the air out of the news van tires. Shane shares his experiences with the group:
Shane: “When I came out I thought my Dad would either kick me out or kill me. But instead he let me record Project Runway even when it conflicted with his CSI reruns.”
Before Amy can commence tire-stabbing, she calls Karma, who says that if she’s unavailable the next time Amy rings, it’s ’cause she’s on her way to the backseat of Liam’s car to Lay Some Pipe, which Amy thinks is gross because do you really want your first time to be in the backseat of a car when you could be scissoring with a girl who carries a screwdriver in her bra? I mean, what the hell KARMA.
Amy viciously stabs the tire with Rosie the Riveter-esque strength and gusto… just in time to notice another news van pulling safely out of the lot, Farrah in tow. Plan to spoil has been spoiled.
Meanwhile, Liam and Karma are sucking face in the car and Liam says he’s been waiting to do this for so long, and Karma’s like OH TOTES ME TOO. Then she’s like, wait a second, but he just figured out my name last week, and inquires exactly HOW long he’s wanted to do this. “What, have sex with a lesbian?” Liam asks. “Pretty much since birth. I mean, I know it’s cliché, but what straight guy hasn’t?” Um, boo.
Karma, apparently experiencing a rare moment of self-awareness, says she’s gotta get back to the girlf and hauls ass.
Back at the dance, Farrah’s arrived in her sensible blazer. Lauren’s sockless boyfriend tells Farrah that he loves her work especially when a cold front comes in. I sort of love him. Lauren, who may hate Amy but isn’t an idiot, tells Farrah the lesbian couple has gone home! Oops!
Alas, Farrah spots a tiara across the room and is drawn to it like a weather moth to a news-flame — only to discover that yup, it’s Karma, standing there with her Burger King Crown and her surprisingly still-adequate hair situation. Amy is horrified and Farrah’s confused — she pulls her daughter aside, who quickly explains that she wanted to tell her, but she was afraid she wouldn’t approve.
Unfortunately, they’re not talking about the same thing — Farrah thinks Karma is the only gay one relevant to her interests. “Don’t be ridiculous,” says Farrah. “Her parents are so permissive, it’s no big surprise. But I’m fine with it. She’s not my daughter! But I do think that you should dial back the sleepovers.” Womp womp. Farrah clonks on back to the camera, asking where Karma’s adorable little girlfriend is hiding!
Amy takes the crown from Karma’s hand, stuffs it on her head, slings her arm around Karma and declares, “I’m right here, mother.” And the look on Amy’s face is, indeed, the look of a girl who has just said a thing that was tough and true to say.
So Amy’s got her game face on and her arm around her “girlfriend” and Farrah is like a deer in headlights on camera. Farrah manages a “lesbians?” and a “back to you, Steve,” before fleeing the scene, leaving a stunned Lauren, Shane and Tommy and a defiant, relieved Amy and a confused, tentative Karma.
Karma asks if she’s okay, and Amy is like, “yeah, that felt really good, actually.” Emboldened and without missing a beat, “Wanna dance?”
Thus the two ladies make their way to the dance floor, surrounded by same-sex couples — like Shane and Liam. Liam’s telling Shane that he and a mysterious lady were rounding third base and about to get home when she freaked out and dashed. This has never happened to him before and he’s confused! Shane’s unsure who the batgirl in question might be.
Shane wants Liam to rest his mancheek on Shane’s manshoulder but Liam says Shane’s too short for such antics, so they switch it up. I like how comfortable this show is with gay-straight friendship, it’s sort of beautiful even if I do want Liam to die in a fire.
Karma says she’s proud of Amy for standing up for herself, and Amy says she’s proud of Karma for “becoming a woman,” which’s when Karma’s gotta tell Amy that she actually did not pop her cherry all over Liam’s leather interior after all.
Karma explains she decided against it because Amy was OBVS right, “Liam just sees me as this cool lesbian and I want my first time to be special, with someone who loves me.”
Amy smiles.
“Which is why I’m gonna make him fall in love with me,” Karma concludes.
And Amy stops smiling.
In more delightful news, I’m pretty sure these two should be a thing:
Well, that’s all folks! Tune in next week for OCCUPY HESTER.
