Brittani’s Parable
Brittani (Comedienne, Sports Editor), 25, Los Angeles, CA
I’m never looking to date. Dating is always a thing that sort of just happens to me, sometimes against my will. The idea of using a dating app with the expressed intention of contacting strangers for dates is anti-everything-I-believe-in. I just haven’t reached a point in my life where I’m seeking out someone who will eventually destroy me and everything I believe in (I guess I’m saving that for my 30s).
Right now my reason for not being open to dating is different than it’s been before. I don’t think it’d be fair to involve anyone in whatever the fuck it is I have going on because I don’t really feel like a whole person capable of believing in love and fairytales and such. Basically, if there was an island for misfit lesbian toys, I’d be on it. And I’m fully aware this is how everyone feels at some point or the other but that doesn’t make it feel any less real. I just feel even dumber for being aware of my own dumbness. It’s a super healthy cycle I’ve developed, I do recommend it.
This is all to say that Tinder is not something I’d ever use if left to my own devices unless it was for entertainment.
Another reason Tinder is a weird choice for me is because the people I end up liking are the ones I didn’t find attractive right off the bat. In fact, I would’ve told you that I had no interest in those people immediately after first meeting them — I would probably tell you that I never would be attracted to them, actually — only to end up crushing on them later, because I have no clue what the fuck I’m talking about and am terrible at predicting my own future. What a fun life. So to me, deciding who I like based solely on a picture is probably the exact opposite approach I should take to dating.
Now if you don’t know much about me, because why should you, I like to follow the rules. What constitutes a rule to me is seemingly arbitrary but when me and my secular moralism feel like something is WRONG, it makes me very uncomfortable to even consider it. For some reason, using Tinder in a way disingenuous to who I am as a person felt wrong. Which is to say, using it seriously at all felt icky and furthermore, “swiping right” to people I normally wouldn’t felt even ickier.
What Tinder does afford you is the ability to have a short term memory. Once you decide on a person, you don’t have to see them again, which means if it’s not a match and you never hear from them, chances are you won’t remember anything about them because the decision process happens so quickly. They’re gone and you’re on to the next and there’s no unanswered message to be disappointed about.
I’d watched people use Tinder before, so I knew what was up. I knew that sometimes dudes popped into your options even if you asked for only ladies. This led me to conclude that straight women must pop up as well. Now since there’s no way to tell from looking at one picture if they’re gay or not (except for when there is), I would suggest you keep from assuming that your feed is chock full of straight women. I assumed that the feed would show a straight woman as often as it did a guy which was about 1 of 6 times. Not a terribly accurate system.
I had my options set to women within 12 miles of me between the ages of 24 and 28. I used the app for about a week and based off of my estimation of 1 in 6 women being straight, 485 queer women popped into my feed. Of those 485, 16 of them were friends of mine so let’s remove them from the equation and put me at 469 eligible Tinder queers. I got 17 matches. Paltry numbers if I may say so myself.
I’m not the ideal Tinder user — I don’t have a lot of Facebook glamour shots or pictures of me doing fun interesting stuff that shows what a cool fun gal I am. Add to that I’m black. Add to that I’m on the more masculine side of things. On paper I shouldn’t do great on Tinder. But 17 of 469? I mean I’m no heartthrob but I do ALRIGHT. Well enough that getting 17 matches feels BAH-LEEK.
If I said yes to literally everyone for a week and only got 17 matches, then using it in a way that’s true to my real opinions seems pointless. If I was being as picky as I know I can be, one match a week seems optimistic. I’ve never used online dating sites before, so I’m not sure how many viable options a week you should expect, but I don’t think you’re shuffling through 469 people on a weekly basis? It seems like the well would soon run dry if you put up those kind of numbers every week. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you’re going to use Tinder, be a little more lenient than usual.
Next: Grace
Comments
This article is way too long guys, just imho.
Reading articles about queer women using dating apps depresses me because just…straight people, why must you ruin every single thing? Its exhausting.
I started using Tinder like a week ago. I am completely squicked out by how many guys are popping up in my feed. I’ve been giving a little more leeway to girls I can tell are queer or if we have 20+ interests in common. Anyway, I have my first actual Tinder date tonight, and I was supposed to have one a few days ago but she had to reschedule, so this is timely. Fingers crossed that she will be as cool as she seems.
Also I check Dattch every day to see if they’ve opened up in Houston yet, because while I’ve found Tinder to be okay, I reeeally want something with no men and no straights.
Me too! I’m having the worst time finding other queer people in Houston. By the way, what is the best way to get Dattch to open up here? I’ve been trying to sign up for it to indicate interest, but do we also have to email them as well?
Apparently we have to actually email them, and once they get a certain number of emails then they’ll roll it out to the new city.
But if you’re in Houston we should totally hang out! I’m having such a hard time meeting anyone from the queer community here too, especially since The Usual closed.
The comment section of AS is better for meeting people than Tinder! Proof!
Ah, I see. Well they’re definitely receiving an email from me!
And yeah, let’s! I would be so down for meeting another AS reader.
This is a truth! The dattch founder was at the Lesbians Who Tech Summit and she confirmed that when they get enough emails in a city, they put it on their rollout list.
Brittani you just described me exactly:
“I like to follow the rules. What constitutes a rule to me is seemingly arbitrary but when me and my secular moralism feel like something is WRONG, it makes me very uncomfortable to even consider it.”
Um yeah so I’m completely crushing on Brittani now. Thanks!
My straight friends LOVE tinder.
I have found it to be full of annoying guys and straight girls, and when I’m matched with a girl who actually likes girls we both wait for the other one to make the first move. So basically it’s a great online replica of living as a queer person in a straight world – well done technology!
All four of your stories were insightful and brilliant (not too long). I’ve been using tinder for a couple weeks now and my status thus far is I’ve been catfished once. Rejected 4 times. But have met three incredible girls. I think that’s not bad, right? However my intentions for this app is not for dating, but only meeting cool chicks. I’m “new”ish to LA as well and just wanted to hang out with other cool chicks, who ironically are new to la as well. And yes although it does make me feel shallow a bit, it makes you really challenge your judge of character. And for the record. I swiped yes for you Brittani. I laughed at the mustache pic. I suppose I’m still waiting for a match?
Can I just swipe yes via this message so that I don’t have to get back on? Also I went back and looked at my matches and y’all are cute please don’t be mad at me.
Swipe yes… I meant swipe right, but swipe yes works too right? And yes I’ll accept this message as you swiping yes. lol.
I used Tinder for a hot minute (three days) over the weekend before I uninstalled it for all of the reasons here + the apparent dearth of ANY gay girls in the DC area using it. I can get hit on by cis-guys and wonder where the girls are at anytime without a superficial app. It’s called “walking down the street”.
Also: will there ever be an AS app?!
I would finally get a smart phone for the sake of AS app.
HELLS TO THE YES. That would be awesome (also hello, fellow DC area friend, you automatically became 100x more interesting to me because you read and comment on Autostraddle). See how that would work?
Strdlr ?
Yes. I need this.
I thought I was the only one who thought about this! I desperately want (need?) one!
I found this review hilariously delightful. I’m so glad you all tortured yourselves for my entertainment.
Also, talking Grace through going on that Tinder date was the highlight of my week.
I want a gay lady dating app, dammit! Gay guys get Grindr, Scruff, and other various knock offs. We get NOTHING. Not even bothering with this Tinder mess, because I don’t feel like wading through a pile of straight men to find the one queer lady who I MIGHT have a thing or two in common with. /end rant
http://develop.autostraddle.com/dattch-new-lady-dating-app-that-could-change-everything-launches-in-us-225974/
It’s funny that Grace stopped using it when she found someone from her high school, because that’s exactly the reason I stopped using OkCupid.
…That may or may not be my favorite part of going on OkCupid in my hometown.
God, that was the exact reason I deactivated my OkCupid account. A friend I had a crush on forever during high school popped up on my matches, and she ended up messaging me propositioning me for a threesome with her and her boyfriend. I turned her down, and then proceeded to stress eat Ben and Jerry’s while freaking out about having rejected someone I had been lusting after since my pimply, frizzy-hair baby-gay days.
I never tried Tinder because I’ve only heard straight people talk about it so I assumed it was a straight people app, but this review was funny and also depressing obvs.
I have used an app called Brenda before, it’s 100% girls only and the results were mixed, don’t you guys have it in the US? I know the UK has it as well.
I had Brenda for a few days but the only messages I got were super weird so I ended up deleting it.
I downloaded Tinder recently, and I always open it up full of hope. By about the third person, it’s turned into a queer or straight guessing game. I forget entirely about whether I’m interested or not, and start trying to spot undercuts and combat boots. Combined, of course, with the occasional round of butch or dude. Luckily, I’ll be in the Dattch zone soon, so I’ll be able to give up Tinder entirely. Also, this Tinder/Timber remix may be predictable, but it cracks me up, so enjoy:
http://www.tv3.co.nz/JONO-AND-BEN-AT-TEN-Music-Video—TINDER/tabid/3692/articleID/98206/MCat/3159/Default.aspx
I wish this was 50 times longer than it is, because I loved every minute of it.
I love that you all did this for us, thanks! My straight friends all seem to love Tinder so I was getting curious as to how it would work for non-straight people. Answer seems to be, not very well! Also, Brittani I totally agree about always falling for people you aren’t attracted to when you first meet them. I’m so clueless.
This was hilarious and fantastic.
Wait, is making mix CDs a thing that is done for first dates? I have so much to learn.
I can easily picture the shade of red Grace’s face turned when her match said she recognized her as Intern Grace!
The problem with tinder is there is no option for other in the gender category and for a person who identifies as a genderqueer trans woman it becomes a grey area. I tried women into women section for a hot minute, and I am sure in fact all the people who tired it in LA may have had me pop up(Im pre-op partially in the closet). But, the fact I put down I am genderqueer, and am a fan of Autostraddle(and a few other queer/lesbian publications should a give away for something. I still get some transphobic/transmisogynistic comments. I also got mistaken for a trans man. When I choose straight, straight women don’t get what genderqueer is. Though I did see a few straight women who have autostraddle down in their likes.
very good point! there are no non-binary gender options at all. can’t believe i forgot to mention that.
Yes, I am hoping Daatch and Wing Ma’am are better about that. Well Wing Ma’am is at least option wise, but not sure how it is when it comes to trans and non-binary community.
How bad was the transphobia/transmisogyny? Like was it really pervasive and made the experience totally not worth it, or was it more occasional and remote instances? As a trans woman this interests me greatly.
Well I’m. Pre op Trans but the two I matched with got offended because I’m pre op. One thought I was a trans man and disappointed I’m a trans woman, cause only trans she dates are trans men. I was a bit surprised because Im in socal & thought we’d be better about this.
legitimately disappointed that cara’s account makes no mention of the fact that a complete stranger almost immediately invited her over to share a bathtub. it was one of the highlights of this project for sure.
it was a special, private moment! it was not fit for this madding crowd.
jk it was weird and, as stef says, near-immediate
Allllll of my straight friends use Tinder, and it really kind of freaks me out, I think because it’s a little too close to Grindr? *shudder* It’s also kind of hella creepy and I guess because I live in a too-small town you basically already know everyone and then it gets awkward.
Then again, I’m all about an alternative to Okcupid.
I’m just going to thank the fates I’m in a long term relationship, I think.
The one time I tried Tinder, the ONLY matches I received were a bunch of bros.
Also, has anyone tried Wing Ma’am yet? I was so excited about an app designed for the queer women community, but I can not get it to work on my iphone : ( Does it work for anyone else? Have any of you had any luck meeting people off it?
It took several tries but yeah, I finally got it to work. There aren’t too many people on it here but there is a calendar of upcoming LGBTQ events and socials going on which could be helpful.
Wing Ma’am should be coming out to Android this or next month from what I remember reading on tumblr. So, once that comes out the number of people should double. That and I think more people need to spread the word about the app. Specially among the queer, and non-binary women and gentle-beings.
I signed up for Wing Ma’am. So lame. I thought it might be cool since I knew a cool person who was promoting it. But it turns out to be another total waste of space. Want to roll my eyes.
Will women ever have a thing for us like straight people and gay men?
Personally, I don’t like OKCupid. And I hate PlentyOfFish even though I sort of fell in love with someone I met on there once… see, we never met in person because she lived 750 miles away. But apparently I can still fall madly in love and get my heart broken by people I’ve never been in the same city with. That…… sucks. I’m over that crap.
Look, the best way to meet queer women is to go to large conferences and queer play parties. Nothing else offers me a significant likelihood of meeting a lover.
“It’s a super healthy cycle I’ve developed, I do recommend it.” Thanks for the recommendation Brittani, I’ll give it a shot.
Oh I haven’t even read the whole article yet but it’s hilarious so far.
This statement.
“Often after I’d clicked through just a few profiles, the app would inform me that there was nobody around, that I was all alone in this world, that I was going to die alone and I’d better get used to it.”
Basically my experience of online dating thus far!
Loling at working right now while people give me weird looks. Happy you guys put yourselves on the line for science. Haha. Wow that seems hollow. Guess i wont be recommending this to queers any time soon.
My only experience with Tinder has been hanging out with straight friends while they messed around on Tinder. They didn’t seem to take it too seriously, granted they were drunk, but still.
Also, they all expanded their criteria to include men and women in the area. So, that’s one more issue for queer users, straight people drunkenly joking around about having their first gay experience. I was uncomfortable.
It reminded me of that dating show from MTV a few years ago, Next(?) I think, where they could immediately reject dates as soon as they stepped off of the bus.
My friend convinced me it would be a great idea to get a Tinder. Then my Tinder tried to match me with Cara. I clicked yes, but apparently she didn’t. BRB crying forever =[
OH NOOOO
i definitely just didn’t see you, or else i accidentally swiped no during that same cab ride where i no’d mal blum!
please don’t cry
Your cynicism feeds my soul. I loved this so much, except I feel awkward that this is the way I find out when Straddlers have broken up with people. Eeekkkk.
Right and the single part of me that lives FAR AWAY from these people has the urge to be like “hey girl, hey!”
Is it ever too soon/awkward? Probably.
is it bad that I got a Tinder because of this? I just had to see for myself
Thank you ladies for doing this, because I don’t have the guts with something like Tinder.
Gotta say though, what would you deem worse? Seeing someone you knew from high school on a dating app, or running into a person who sent you a message OKC that you never replied to at Trader Joe’s while she rang you up in awkward silence?
This situation is specific enough that I’m going to assume that it happened to you, in which case, Yikes!
there used to be a guy who worked at the salad place near my work and we had both viewed each other on okcupid and never sent messages so many times and never done anything and he’d just ring up my salads and we’d avoid eye contact and it was super weird. then one time we met outside a bar and we had to pretend we sorta recognized each other because of salad?
i don’t know why i told you that story.
the internet is strange.
stef can you have a column where you just tell stories about your life
That’s actually kinda cute though, so thanks for sharing, Stef.
I had a similar experience in that this lady kept looking at my profile but never said anything. Her profile was empty, so I decided to not pursue it. Then one night of bar hopping, my friend and I went to grab a bite to eat and as I walked in, she was there. She had this “deer caught in headlights” look on her face and she wouldn’t stop looking at me. She then left. The next time I logged in back to OKC it said that she looked at my profile at 3:15am that night.
I mean, isn’t technology suppose to facilitate communication, not make it more complicated? (see: texting). Ah, well….
There need to be more AS meetups, plainly.
I hate where I live. I have had Tinder for over a week and I get more boys than girls (I don’t have have boys checked so either they are being creepy or this app sucks). Time to move. Also, can at least one of the recommended gay lady apps come to Android!?
I have been debating on whether or not to use Tinder. Looks like I have my answer….obviously YES ;) Thanks for saving me time ladies, and loved hearing your stories. Sorry things didn’t turn out so well though, bummer.
Gay guys get Grindr. Why is there not a lesbian version called Scissr?
I’m pretty sure you’d be a bazillionaire if you created that. SCISSR. GENIUS.
bah-leek. lol
A lot of my straight friends are like:
“It’s going down, I’m yelling *tinder*”
I’m like:
“I know you’re tired of loving, of loving with nobody to love, nobody!”
Uh-huh honey.
*sighs*
*applause*
I joined Tinder (again) partially because I figured more gay women would surely be members now. That said, in the few days I’ve been on it, I have enough matches that my self esteem is a little bit better but I’m not exactly sure what it means. How many are actually looking for a woman? How many accidentally swiped right? How many just want a friend to go hiking up to Runyon with? (<<also, not me, as it turns out, ha) Tinder isn't queer friendly and it's maybe even causing more problems than it's trying to solve? Idk.. we each have our battles, I suppose :D
Can I just say that I don’t feel nearly quite so special being one of the 17 Brittanni matched with, now I know she was swiping right to EVERYONE. Thanks for the confidence boost Brittanni. ;)
Oh Tinder.
“I don’t think it’d be fair to involve anyone in whatever the fuck it is I have going on because I don’t really feel like a whole person capable of believing in love and fairytales and such.”
This seems like a) a fairly good description of why I won’t let anyone get close to me right now and b) a little bit sad because I so want to to believe in all that it’s just hard. Life.
I met a total dreamboat on Tinder when I was on a layover from Hell in Toronto three weeks ago. They are flying to Winnipeg this weekend so we can meet in person for the first time.
It’s a little soon, but srsly. Into them.
THANKS TINDER!
#modernqueerlove
I know this thread is old-ish already, but I wanted to come back and tell all of you that I’ve been chatting with a recent match who just revealed to me that’s she a straight lady. Totally heterosexual and only using Tinder to make friends. Which is fine, I guess. But I think now I’m going to only swipe “Like” if I see Autostraddle as a common interest. Or maybe I’ll delete it. Oy vey.
Since I’m not necessarily out to each of my Facebook friends, any of whom could see my Tinder, it’s hard to signify queer without plastering on a rainbow emoji or whatever. Liking Autostraddle helps a little bit, but still, it’s exhausting. I did match with an Autostraddle-loving Tegan Quin lookalike, but she was 200+ miles away. :(
Also, the last Tinder date I went on ended with me sobbing, half-naked, and stoned out of my mind in a stranger’s bed. So there’s that.
I don’t get online dating. I just don’t. Online dating is an experience of low self esteem wrapped in a cocoon of self-loathing and doubt. We don’t talk to each other in real life when we know the other is gay. All a glass of wine and the anonymity of your apartment and pajamas gives you is psudeo balls to send a completely irrelevant, inarticulate blurb to someone we don’t expect to respond. My point? Can we not encourage more seclusion and introvertedness with the next lesbian geared dating app(daatch) and encourage us to actually talk to each other for reals?
Not everyone hates Tinder … it took me four months of swiping, but eventually I met my now-girlfriend on there. There is hope ladies! You can find your Tinderella too
I swiped right on a girl because she liked Autostraddle (also because of her cute face). Two months later, and we are the best of gal pals! i.e. we are dating, and it’s wonderful. This has been my only Tinder success in months and months of using the app, but it’s a pretty great one.
I’m an open minded person and don’t take tinder too seriously and swipe on ppl who just seem interesting. I’m alot of things but I’m not dull even still I received no matches on lesbian tinder. I’m sure if I were back in London I wouldn’t have this issue. In fact I’d be meeting up with someone tonight but Canadian tinder is garbage. And lesbian Canadian tinder even more so- really not my cup of tea. Oh well, can’t wait till I return back to LDN.