If you, like me, haven’t thought about the board game Clue since you were approximately 12 years old, I want to invite you to consider it for a moment. When you think about Clue, if your first thought is “Man I wish that were a sexier, gayer game,” then boy do I have news for you!

No longer do little queer gals (me) have to pick Ms. Scarlett every time you play because she’s the prettiest (read, most seductive) one on the box. The year is 2023, and every character in Clue is queer now.

The Hasbro brand released a new edition of the board game this week, which caused a stir in a certain corner of Twitter (and across the Autostraddle Slack, obviously) due to the presence of one Kristen-Kish-Ruby-Rose-inspired chef, the artist formerly known as Mrs. White.

But look, if that type of person doesn’t get you hot and bothered, have no fear. This game is essentially a gathering of queer intellectuals (come on, they’re all color-coded and hanging out in libraries!) I’m here to tell you that Chef White isn’t the only character armed and ready to cause sexual spiraling. Every. Single. Character. on this box is hot and gay and ready to ruin your life.

Professor Plum

The watch! The pressed slacks! The knowing smirk! This is a bi4bi lover! You two get into long existential conversations in the coziest, chicest coffee shops, until he has to leave you for his book tour.

Colonel Mustard

This man has never not been in a queer May-December relationship — when he was young, he was the May, and now he is the most sought after December of the whole community. Hosts gorgeous brunches at his gorgeous home but ultimately makes you feel a little inadequate in how Together he is.

Mr. Boddy

More like Mr. Body-ody-ody. In the Clue game lore, Mr. Boddy is the owner of the mansion that brings all his friends together. But that painting on the wall? That’s a messy bitch that lives for drama and is prone to setting up intricate parties that he then deliberately disappears from. Think I Kissed Shara Wheeler but even more elaborate.

Mr. Green

He rarely wears suits, but when he does, it’s in this bright color. He is the absolute life of the party but doesn’t have a terribly long attention span. Fun for a fling that you can’t stop thinking about for potentially years.

Miss Scarlet

Okay okay okay phew. I know there was a lot of focus on Chef White but come on. Miss Scarlet? She commands attention. She’s a hot femme who is just the right amount of mean to you. You will make a fool of yourself trying to impress her, and then you’ll keep doing it every time you see her.

Mrs. Peacock

Mommi? Sorry. Mommi? Sorry. Mrs. Peacock looks like she belongs directly on Christina Tucker’s radar and Mean Mommi list. She’s a business executive, she’s way too busy to commit to a loving relationship, she rocks a paintsuit. She’s perfect, your honor.

Anyway, time for a different type of game: