feature image by Hilary Walsh
Professional attractive person Evan Rachel Wood and unlikely-but-determined ballet dancer husband Jamie Bell have reportedly split after two years of marriage. The couple met in 2005 while starring in Green Day’s video for “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” and wed in 2012. Their son, whose name has not been made available to the public, was born in July of 2013. According to a rep for Mr. Bell, “Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell have decided to separate. They both love and respect one another and will of course remain committed to co-parenting their son. This is a mutual decision, and the two remain close friends.” Bell has recently deleted his Twitter account, and Wood announced yesterday that she’d also be taking a hiatus from Twitter.
via Getty Images
Noted goodlooking human Evan Rachel Wood came out as bisexual in a 2011 issue of Esquire, and since then has continued to be a bisexual person, breathing the same air as other human beings on Planet Earth and walking among them. Following her wedding in 2012, a Twitter follower inquired as to whether her marriage to a man meant that Ms. Wood no longer identified as bisexual. Evan Rachel Wood replied that she was in fact still bisexual, just no longer single. In the wake of her marriage’s dissolution, Ms. Wood now appears to be not only single, but also still bisexual.
Sources close to Autostraddle.com report that the newly single Ms. Wood was spotted dancing at a ladies’ party called the Grind in Los Angeles this past Wednesday night, sparking rumors that you, yes YOU stand even a snowball’s chance in hell of becoming Evan Rachel Wood’s new paramour. Presumably, Evan Rachel Wood will also start showing up in your OKCupid matches, Tinder and at your local happy hour. Is she looking at you? OMG maybe she’s looking at you. You should say hi! Maybe you could work up the nerve to dance awkwardly with Evan Rachel Wood, and then later on you guys might exchange numbers! Later this weekend, you’ll meet up to drink almond milk lattes and shyly hold hands, and the paparazzi could describe you as Evan Rachel Wood’s “mystery flame.” She just got out of a pretty big relationship so she isn’t in a rush to get serious, but that’s OK, Evan Rachel Wood! We just want to peruse used bookstores and eat Thai food with you. We’ll take this at your pace.
OH MY GOD, I need to move to LA right now!
DUDE if we had stuck around in the city for just one more night we could have basked in her bisexual presence.
Why did we leave LA, Nat?? WHY? Lol, “basked in her bisexual presence.” Dead.
is there an appropriate amount of time one is to respectfully wait when a potential vagina voodoo enthusiast is going through a possible heart wrenching conscious uncoupling?
Everything.
I could take up ballet, right?
I’ll bring hummus to show her I’m for real.
this could be us but you playin
She was at the Grind last night? I WAS AT THE GRIND. HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT NOTICE THE LUMINOUS ALLEGED PRESENCE OF EVAN RACHEL WOOD BISEXU-
i give up
i quit
bye
also the grind is like 3 blocks from my apartment, so what i’m saying is, evan rachel wood has moved in with me during this trying time.
So I just learned about “The Grind”. But it’s on Wednesday nights? The boring, responsible adult in me just can’t justify driving all the way out there. Not even for newly singly Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual.
ATTENTION ATTENTION
This is the Lesbian Police.
We have been informed that you failed to detect a known bisexual within 100 unicorn steps of your person in the time limit of 20 lesbian relationship cycles. Your comment above is being filed as a confession to this infraction.
This is strike one.
If you wish to make any further statements or appeal regarding this ruling report to your local precinct.
Please be aware that after the third strike you will have to return your license to practice lesbianism and your name will be struck from The Chart. You will also be required to return any rewards or incentives you have earned including the introductory toaster oven (if applicable). Documents and property may be returned upon completion of a valid beginners training course.
We thank you for taking this matter seriously.
Have a nice day.
The Lesbian Police
What does said beginners course entail?! I might have to cause some violations of my own now to find out…
In my near death experience of choking on my noodles because of laughing way too hard at that gif, I saw the light.
At the end of the light there was Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual, it must mean something, right!?!
OMFG, that gif is why the internet was invented I’m pretty sure.
It means that Evan and Ellen Page will raise the kid together and they’ll make the most good looking, hot and talented couple after Ellen and Portia (just because they’re royalties)
I didn’t quite go there. But I did wonder about their upcoming filming of Into the Forest, which they’re co-starring in as sisters. They’re good friends, apparently. But it sounds like Page is a friend of Jamie Bell too.
After I instantly pictured Evan and Ellen together I did remember that Ellen is Jamie’s friend too. And I’m not saying that they’re together nor that Ellen has anything to do with their break-up, but I couldn’t help thinking that specially because of the movie, the amount of time they’re spending together and that for the past months Evan really seems to be really into the lesbian scene.
Not gonna lie this was my first thought.
*inarticulate sexual panic*
adding this to my emotion identification wheel
Autostraddle’s vapid fluff proves yet again to be quality journalism.
I have the wrong priorities because when I first heard the news my immediate reaction was “Yay! Jamie Bell is free!” I have no particular loyalty to ERW and I don’t even like guys in a sexual way but I just really like Jamie Bell as an actor. He seems like a good guy. I remember him talking about how Evan broke his heart the first time they broke up years ago for Marilyn Manson and I just always felt sorry for him because who wants their girlfriend to leave them for Marilyn Manson? Ew.
So yeah. Wrong priorities. Well, I hope she meets a nice girl or whatever. And that’s my one nice comment for the day.
#moving to LA. But in all seriousness– I wonder, since I’m elementary at this, what it’s like for a gay-identified/lesbian female to date/pursue a bisexual lady? Or vice-versa. My main point of reference thus far is Tina from The L Word. Lol. I’m sure this is addressed somewhere on another post, but I’m also newbie auto-straddler…so yeah. Just thought I’d ask.
as a 100% organic locally sourced bisexual, I pursue gents, ladies, and otherwise identified gentlefolk as individuals and would hope to be pursued in the same way. Not every gay/lesbian woman is going to want to be wooed in the same way, and neither will every bi chick. Be kind and friendly and flirty and attentive to each person’s character, and you should be fine:)
The experience of dating a bisexual woman will differ depending on who she is, the same way that dating any other type of person depends on who they are as an individual. It’s best to avoid stereotyping people based on their sexuality, or any other facet of their identity.
Personally, I expect all potential suitors to navigate a labyrinth and defeat a minotaur while riding a unicorn and armed with nothing but a list of bisexuality puns. Then arrive at my door, still riding the unicorn obvs, with perfect hair and a bottle of wine in one hand and vegan cupcakes in the other.
The mental picture I have of this is fantastic!
Someone needs to make a queer porn version of this stat. I volunteer to be the unicorn.
It really depends on the bisexual that you’re pursuing and also on yourself. Only one way to find out! You do you, or if you’re lucky, you do Evan Rachel Wood.
*Booking my flight*
I know Ellen Page already has a rumoured paramour but something needs to haPPEN BETWEEN THEM OH PLEASE UNIVERSE PLEASE
‘I initially read this as ‘Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual Is Single Again: Does This Mean For You?’
Yeah, Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual is single and waiting for me, how did you know?!
OMG
I really hope she decides to cut her hair again. SoftButch Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual was the hottest Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual
yaaaasssss
Vampire Queen ERWB is my favorite ERWB.
I’m coming!
I’m on my way!
I’m coming Evan Rachel Wood Bisexual!
Don’t hook up with anyone! Don’t make eye contact with anyone! Don’t go outside!Just sit still and don’t get any more attractive!
I AM ON MY WAY!
*frantically packing*
I can’t care less about ERW celibacy status when we have Marillon Cotillard here … I’m just bitter that I live in Europe that’s all!
come on, is it not tacky to celebrate the end of this woman’s marriage?
I hate being that person, but this article is really inappropriate. Especially with us knowing that ERW is taking time away from the spotlight so she can deal with it. Did we forget that this is a real person we are talking about and not just your sex fantasy? I could maybe see a site like AfterEllen doing a piece like this, but I expected more from Autostraddle.
Yeah, this article made me really uncomfortable.