Q:

When I was in my early twenties and a hot mess, I ended a friendship with a girl I grew up with who I also had developed intense feelings for. At the time I did not realize that I liked her romantically, I just felt betrayed and hurt by a deteriorating friendship.

Now, eight years later I’m in dyke mode and we’ve reconnected partly because I have come out to some family friends who are also gay. This reconnection though is rocky. I have apologized, of course, but there hasn’t been a conversation. I know that I’m the one who needs to initiate it, as the prodigal dyke. But I’m not sure how far to go.

Do I owe her a full explanation? “Oh your hair kept getting shinier and I kept getting more frustrated every time you jabbed my side with your elbow at the movies?” Or should we just move on, reminiscing occasionally but not lingering in the past? Do I tell these family friends and ask for guidance on how to move forward? They are both lesbians so they have certainly been in this territory before in some capacity. Or is this holding them hostage with a secret?

I’m so scared. I know I need to say more and that I can’t run away but it’s so embarrassing to have to admit this. I feel that these family friends have known the whole time (it was painfully obvious I’m sure). I also feel that I am really just protecting myself here. And if I want to be honest and brave, I owe myself the truth.

I should also add that I don’t feel I have fully apologized. I have said “I’m sorry” and “I’m sorry” but there hasn’t been a moment of true reckoning and accountability which I know is important. But in order to do that I would need to face the truth with her and it makes me feel ashamed.

If you were her, would you even want to hear it?

Or is this just some Gatsby/Daisy Buchanan shit? Has she become a symbol to me? Do I just need to let go?

She’s definitely the person I’ve hurt most in the world and I have a tendency to project and assume. I’m still learning how to communicate my needs, etc. and that’s partly because I felt so silenced in my relationship with her by the end. Of course there’s no villain here but there is pain and I need help navigating it while avoiding additional debris.

How do I escape this whirlwind?

– Should I Confess?

A:

Hi SIC,

I have a bad memory generally, but most of the few vivid remembrances I have of my youth are regrets — usually times I’ve hurt someone. I have sympathy for my younger self, have apologized and or forgiven myself, and understand why I did the things I’ve done. But once in a while I’ll get a flash of memory and cringe. It’s difficult to recognize that you’ve hurt someone, and to feel like you haven’t made it right. The guilt can weigh heavily on you and even seep into your self-image. Can you still be a good person if you’ve done that and haven’t somehow properly atoned? In kindergarten we learn to apologize when we’ve hurt someone, and you seem convinced that “reckoning” and “accountability” is the right move here — your question is mostly about how. I’d pump the brakes, though, and question this assumption.

Guilt and regret are frequently the uncomfortable, but natural consequences that we carry for having made mistakes. Sometimes they’re necessary. Would we ever do better if we didn’t feel bad about the bad things we’ve done? Anyone who doesn’t cringe at the memories of things they did when they were younger might not have grown much as a person. We have to be careful with the impulse to apologize. Ask yourself why you want to apologize again. Why wasn’t the first one adequate?

Do some journaling or otherwise do some deep introspection. Do you want to apologize because she’s still hurt, and your apology and further explanation could validate that hurt and provide her closure? If you think she’s still confused about it, maybe thinks it was her fault and she likely feels guilty about it, and would benefit from understanding exactly what went down, then giving a fuller apology could be the right move — if you’re doing it for her benefit.

Because if you still feel guilty, and hope that apologizing will make you feel better? Or you’re worried that she’ll always feel some type of way about you, and you want to regain the status of “good person” or “nice friend” in her mind? Or if you hope an apology and explanation will absolve you of your shame and embarrassment? Then you shouldn’t do it. It’s selfish. It’s about you and your feelings, not hers. If you “owe yourself the truth,” you can own that truth and sit in your shame and do the only wholly productive thing to do with guilt and/or shame: better. The best apology is changed behavior.

It should go without saying that if you’re hoping to rekindle something romantic with her via the apology/explanation, that’s also 100% the wrong move.

I don’t think this rises to the level of Gatsby-esque tragedy. You said the reconnection was “rocky,” but didn’t say how. Is it just rocky for you, emotionally? Do you expect everything to go back to how it used to be? It’s very likely that she doesn’t want to hear it, is long over it, and the desire to bring it up now is just a selfish impulse. You’ve been turning this over in your mind for years, but it’s likely that she doesn’t care that much. You might even just be projecting that she’s the person you’ve “hurt most in the world.” You’ve seemed to reconnect without major issue, or you probably would have mentioned it, so she doesn’t appear to have overly hard feelings about it.

Now, I think there are likely more important issues at play here than the apology question. Some of the things you’ve written seem to indicate that the real issue here is that in addition to guilt, you still have feelings of hurt and betrayal from the situation. Might you feel like you’re the one who deserves an apology to some degree? Might you secretly hope that broaching the subject could provide you this as well? You’ve got to work through those feelings. To be honest, they’re also likely selfish.

How to escape “the whirlwind?” Instead of seeking forgiveness from her, you might need to truly (and, on your own without involving her) give forgiveness to her — and to yourself. You made a mistake. You didn’t know what was going on, you fucked up, you apologized. Maybe she didn’t handle it well either. It’s no big deal; y’all were young, you’re older and wiser now. Things that happened eight years ago don’t have to color the present if you don’t let them. You may have to really accept that you may never have as deep a friendship as you once did; some mistakes have lifetime consequences. Some relationships never overcome their struggles. That’s okay.

My advice is that all of these feelings you’re working through are your own feelings to work through. You have to reconcile your guilt and your bitterness. None of them are necessarily about her — they’re about you. Work on yourself: acknowledge to yourself what you did, and forgive the both of you for what y’all did years ago. Of course, give her an explanation if she asks for one. But otherwise this is your issue to work through and you don’t have to drag her into it. Treat people better than you did in your early twenties, and eventually you’ll realize that you have nothing to feel guilty about anymore.

Good luck!

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