Listling Without Commentary: Real L Word Recap Images Riese Asked Her Intern to Create This Season

Every week Riese e-mails me a list of images/graphics she needs for her Real L Word recaps. These are some of those very well-defined requests.

1. also can you make Sajdah’s face on a Big Gulp

2. Cori & Kacy ON THE MOTHERFUCKING COUCH AGAIN

3. all the facial expressions she makes instead of saying words

4. graphic of a big ol bag of heroine?

5. Hello boobs

6. Can you compare Romi’s interview in this scene to another scene because she looks way tanner?

7. Mel is the lovechild of Samantha Ronson & Lindsay Lohan, illustrate this with a graphic

8. If you could take a ‘cap of Claire talking about that magazine stuff and then draw all over it to express how it makes me feel, I’d like that

9. screencap of chris crocker with LEAVE WHITNEY ALONE written on it

10. (GRAPHIC –?) – I don’t know what i was thinking when I wrote that

11. somehow superimpose the skittles “taste the rainbow” on top of sajdah and that girl for when sajdah says the thing about the “rainbow coalition.”

12. Shot of the tampons

13. make sure to get lots of claire crazyface

14. also in the style of last year’s LA FASHION WEEK graphic could you make a graphic that says Penis Penis Man Man Sperm Man Penis Sperm Penis Penis, etc etc over and over again

15. OH MY GOD IT’S ROMI

16. “The Unicorn Couple” – a graphic where Cori & Kacy are unicorns

17. Claire handling Vivian like a monkey

18. On her knees doing a that’s what she said

19. also i need a photo from episode 101 of the l word where bette & tina are in the doctors office and to get knocked up and like bette has to go down on her or whatever and it should say NOT LIKE THIS on it

20. Romi’s evolving alternative lifestyle haircut (v. important graphic) DO THIS ONE FIRST

21. Journal in the bed (maybe do one with lights and stars coming out of it)

22. what happened next? i Can’t remember just get some good screenshots of ittt

23. can you make a few more of sara doing her crazy sexy dance at the music video?

24. i have attached 4 pictures can you make each one of them saying “that’s what she said” in a speech bubble?

25. do a few graphics where we’re like “WHO IS IT” and then the graphic will be of the door and someone standing in front of it like the Kool-Aid guy, or Jenny Schecter, or the Grim Reaper or SHANE. What if it had been Shane??!!!!?!?!

26. GOd i don’t know, maybe a unicorn

VIDEO – Real L Word Worlds Collide: Nikki & Jill Meet Kacy & Cori

Riese’s Team Pick:

What happens when Jill and Nikki meet Kacy and Cori? Does everyone get married and give birth to ten babies and a chandelier?! The answers lie inside this video (which you can also see on Nikki & Jill’s Facebook page)

[vimeo 26252491]

Summer 2011 TV Preview: Five Shows These Homos Will Be Watching

Ah, the sweet sounds and sights of summer television! There’s nothing like curling up next to your air conditioner, flipping on the teevee and basking in the rays of entertainment emanating from your evil box.

This summer is looking especially promising, and I’m not just saying that because I’ve spent the last three weeks watching the first three seasons of True Blood, fully had a dream about Eric last night and cannot wait one more minute for this to happen. Though I’m worried about DVD Withdrawal, which is a condition brought on when, following an episode of a TV program, the patient is not able to immediately view the next episode of the TV program via DVD. This most often occurs when the patient is attempting to watch the program as it airs rather than several years after the airing.

Anyhow! What’s worth watching this season, lesbos? This post was delayed by my discovery and subsequent dismay that Extreme Couponing will not return with new episodes until the fall. Let’s discuss! You’re going to have a lot of tough decisions to make because everything is on Sunday nights. All of the things.

1. True Blood

HBO, Sunday June 26 at 9 p.m.

HBO’s 12-episode season Four of True Blood  is mere WEEKS away and the whole primary cast is coming back for more bloodsucking and more brooding emotional vampire-men and more Pam. Alan Ball and the cast reported at Paleyfest that Eric will return with no memory of the last 1,000 years and Sookie, having broken up with Bill, will consider “multiple suitors.”

Other returning cast members include werewolf Alcide, Lafayette’s new boyfriend Jesus, Holly the new Merlotts waitress, Crystal the Animal Person Jason likes, Sophie-Anne the Vampire Queen of Louisiana (played by Evan Rachel Wood bisexual) and — why God, why?!! — Marshall Allman as Sam’s brother Tommy Mickens. Did anyone else find that storyline entertaining or give two shits what happened to Tommy? Me neither.

And guess who’s joining the cast?

PAPI! Janina Gavankar will play Luna, a shape-shifter who “catches Sam’s eye” and I really hope, for his godforsaken sake, that she doesn’t turn out to secretly be like, the Wolf Mother disguised as a lapdog.

Also joining the show is Fiona Shaw, who’s been in a lot of Harry Potter movies, as Marnie, “a witch whose agenda threatens the vampire establishment.”

Here’s some sneak peeks of Sookie prancing about in Glow-Fairy-Land with the guy who played Mr. Brady in The Brady Bunch Movie and A Very Brady Sequel, which were fantastic films.

+++
+++

+++
+++

2. Pretty Little Liars

ABC Family, Tuesday June 14 at 9 p.m.

There’s one part of me that is so excited for the return of Pretty Little Liars and Emily the Lesbian. There’s another part of me that can’t imagine having to write two TV recaps a week for the rest of the month. When you combine both of those parts, we still don’t know who A. is or if whatserface is ever coming back from Gay Rehab camp.

Shay Mitchell told TV Guide Magazine that Emily will have “multiple new love interests” and Troian Bellisario told TV Guide Magazine that her relationship with Toby will “deepen.” I think that means Emily’s not moving to Texas and that she’s like, the flyest lesbian in town upon whom all the ladies wanna go down. See that? I rhymed. Good huh?

Other promises include that we’ll pick up right where we left off, immediately figure out what happened to Ian, and have lots more flashbacks.

+++
+++

10 Great Muppet Show Musical Numbers

The Muppet Show aired from 1976 to 1981 on CBS. It was for adults and also one of the best shows ever on television. Glee Shmee.

+

+

1. “The Rainbow Connection” with Debbie Harry (1981)

+

+

2. “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” with Paul Simon (1980)

+

+

3.”School’s Out” with Alice Cooper (1978)

+

+

4. “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” (Beatles cover)

+

+

5. “Crocodile Rock” with Elton John (1977)

+

+

6. “Fever” with Rita Moreno (1976)

+

+

7. “Last Time I Saw Him” with Diana Ross (1980)

+

+

8. Gonzo’s Song to Camilla

+

9. Julie Andrews, “The Lonely Goatherd” (1977)

+

+

10. Johnny Cash – Ghostriders in the Sky

+

Oprah Celebrates 25 Years of Telling Your Mom About Homogays: Our Favorite Episodes

Yesterday’s Oprah was actually advertised as her “gayest show ever” and it sure was – although Oprah & Gayle’s Yosemite camping adventure was a close second, believe me. You know how sometimes, even when a thing isn’t “gay,” it’s still totally GAY?

Anyhow, this special show about her 25 years of supporting the LGBT community brought back some of her most memorable guests, including the Olympic gold medalist diver Greg Louganis who came out as an HIV+ gay man way back in 1995 and India’s openly gay prince, Manvendra Singh Gohil.

Oprah’s influence on the gay community shouldn’t be taken lightly. Oprah’s prime demo – housewives in Middle America – worship her like a deity and using her show to increase visibility and normalize gay people is more than we could ever ask for. Even as I was preparing this post my mom called me all excited asking if I had my DVR set. Exec Editor Laneia’s mother texted her to let her know about the topic of Oprah yesterday. That’s power people. Let’s not forget that Oprah has also given Rosie O’Donnell a brand new daytime talk show on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) set to debut in the fall.

Did you know that Oprah actually helped change homosexual laws in India?! See, Prince Manvendra is the only known person of royal lineage in modern India to have publicly revealed he is gay. He came out on Oprah in October 2007, and has since traveled the world as a kind of Indian gay ambassador.

Manvendra credited the big O with helping to change the laws in India regarding homosexuality. Previously, homosexual acts were punishable by 10 years to life in prison. But after he came out on her show and traveled to Australia and Brazil, the publicity made Indians reappraise their thinking about gays and the law was taken off the books. You go Glen Coco!

So, I’d like to take this moment to pull out some of our favorite homosexy Oprah episodes and share with all of you. Most of her theme episodes (with non-celebrity, regular gay commonfolk) aren’t on the internets but they are definitely some of the more memorable shows. Girl, I KNOW you remember watching Wives Confess They Are Gay (featuring a pre-Real L Word Nikki Weiss) after school that day.

+ A Secret Sex World: Living on the Down Low
+ Can You Pray Away Being Gay?
+ Ask Deepak: How to Accept Your Sexuality
+ Accepting Gay Children
+ The Dina McGreevey Interview
+ Free from Life on the Down Low
+ Ted Haggard Talks
+ Chely Wright Comes Out
+ Rosie O’Donnell on Life, Love and Family
+ Why Women Are Leaving Men for Other Women
+ Transgender Families
+ Gender Identity
+ Comedian Carol Leifer’s Midlife Surprise
+ New Faces of HIV/AIDS
+ Same-Sex Parents

Autostraddle’s Fave Homosexy Oprah Episodes

(that we could find on YouTube)

Ellen’s Coming Out Interview, May 1997

+

Ellen & Portia’s First Joint Interview, Nov 2009

+

Ricky Martin Comes Out, Nov 2010

+

Melissa Etheridge & Tammy Lynn, Fall 2003

+

Adam Lambert, Jan 2010

So, what’s your favorite gay Oprah show?

Skins UK Remembrance Day: Our 10 Favorite Skins Scenes

by crystal & riese

Tonight is the premiere of the fantastic and/or blasphemous premiere of Skins MTV/USA, which will take the original series from the UK to Baltimore and replace the gay guy with a lesbian. SOOOO we thought, as the two recappers of Skins for Autostraddle (yes we work harmoniously as a team, it’s lovely), that we’d take this opportunity to share with you our very most favorite scenes from the first four years of Skins UK.

Also, if you’re not following Skins FTW on Tumblr, you should be. We snagged some pics from there as well. That’s why we’re telling you to follow them. Because they have such snatchable photos.

Our Ten Favorite Skins Scenes From the UK Original

CRYSTAL’S TOP FIVE

+

1. The Best Day Of Chris’ Life

1st Generation (Series 1, Episode 4)

In Skins Series 1 Chris has a lot going on. When his mother skips town and he turfed from his own house by squatters, Chris visits his father only to be reminded that his father thinks he’s a fuck up and doesn’t care that he’s homeless & broke. But despite all this, instead of whining about his shitty life Chris decides to connect with Jal by telling her about the best day of his life, how his deceased brother Peter once saved him from humiliation at cub scouts.

This scene captures everything I love about Chris, who’s my favorite Skins character to date. Here’s a kid struggled through most of his scripted life and, although he didn’t make life easy for himself, I admired his fighting spirit, the way that when shit got hard he looked on the bright side and kept getting back up. Well, until he didn’t. RIP.

+

+

2. The Worst Day Of Chris’ Life

1st Generation (Series 2, Episode 9)

This is really the most important “Chris” scene because in it, Chris dies. He has a seizure in Cassie’s arms while trying to remember Jal’s name and it’s horribly, tragically sad. What I liked about this scene was the way it hit hard & fast, like a steel fist to the gut that came out of nowhere but not the ‘oh, Freddie just got murdered by the therapist’ kind of nowhere which is a place so fundamentally ridiculous and pointless that it can’t possibly be real.

Chris’ death felt real. It felt like it’s entirely possible that one moment you can be smoking weed on the couch with your friends and then the next, you’re dead. Just like that. It was ugly and brutal and unfair. It felt like the other shoe dropping even though I’m not completely sure when the first one hit.

+

3. Tony Loves Sid

1st Generation (Series 2, Episode 10)

+

Tony: “I’ve always loved you the best, Sid.”

Overall the Tony & Sid relationship was torturous to watch. I loathed its familiarity and  the feeling that I was giving Tony the benefit of the doubt when I probably shouldn’t have been. I spent most of the series in hope that he’d eventually prove that he was capable of showing compassion to someone other than Effy, and this scene felt like the reward. The beauty in it is that Tony finally shows Sid how much he loves and needs him by letting him go. He buys Sid the ticket to New York City and allows himself to be that guy who stands in the terminal and cries.

+

4. Naomily, Blowbacks

2nd Generation (Series 3, Episode 6) (recap)

Naomi: “I don’t understand blowbacks, why can’t anybody just smoke the thing straight?”
Emily: “It’s fun. Have you tried it?”
Naomi: “No, but I’ve seen it and can tell it’s shit.
Emily: “Come on, anything once.”
Naomi: “Fuck it. Go ahead and disappoint me.”

Every scene I’ve selected for my top 5 so far has been sad, so let’s take a moment to appreciate that scene where Naomi and Emily drank vodka and smoked weed and had sex beside the lake. Thank you Skins, I mean really. Thank you for casting those two girls. Thank you for giving them the courage to finally get it on. Above all, thank you for teaching this new generation of young lesbians that doing blowbacks is the quickest way to get a girl to kiss you.

You can read more of our slightly depraved feelings about how hot this scene was here.

+

5. Effy’s Spotless Mind

2nd Generation (Series 4, Episode 5) (recap)

Freddie: What have I done? What did I do?
Cook: You went to the end of the fucking earth, man. The end of the fucking earth. You’re gonna have to go further now, mate. For her. For you. For me.

MY GOD it was so difficult to choose my favorite scene from that time in Series 4 when Effy gets high and loses her mind and almost loses her life. Last year Riese and I had a lot of feelings about it, specifically how sad and confusing and kinda sudden Effy’s sickness was and also how hilariously qualified we were to comment on it.

Given the time restraints that come with 8-episode seasons, I think the writers did a reasonable job at showing Effy’s fall from sanity and the huge impact it had on her loved ones. Notable attempts include Freddie and Effy huffing over the kitchen sink and lying in the meadow. But the scene that had the biggest impact didn’t feature Effy all – it was at the very end, post suicide attempt, when Freddie burns up Effy’s crazy collage and Cook steps out of the shadows to tell him that all he can do is push on. The love and fear and desperation in this scene SLAYS ME.

+

+

RIESE’S TOP FIVE

I can’t actually do this. Like I can’t actually pick five. So these are like “some” of my favorites. I want to Facebook Like every word that comes out of Cassie’s mouth, sidenote.

+

1. Naomi Has Loved Emily For So Long

2nd Generation (Series 4, Episode 8 ) (recap)

The last episode of Skins upset me on about 45 levels, which I extrapolate on in detail here, but there was definitely a beam of lesbian sunshine beating its way through all those always-oddly saturated clouds —

Naomi: I loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was 12. It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you. And I was so scared of the way I felt, you know, loving a girl – and so I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch just to make it feel normal. I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn’t work. When we got together, it scared the shit out of me because you were the one person who could ruin my life. I pushed you away and made you think that things were your fault, but really I was just terrified of pain. I screwed that girl Sophia to kind of spite you for having that hold on me, and I’m a total fucking coward because I got these tickets to Goa for us three months ago. But I couldn’t stand – I didn’t want to be a slave to the way I felt about you. Can you understand? You were trying to punish me back and it’s horrible, it’s so horrible because really I’d die for you. I love you. I love you so much it’s killing me.

It was a perfect scene; the dialogue digs underneath Naomi’s skin into her heart and the whole history of her life up until now. The holes are filled up, just like that, and sealed with a kiss — and it’s the first time we’ve really gotten a good conversation out of either of them regarding what it was like to grow up gay, or always feel different, or what happened back in their youth of stolen kisses.

+

2. It’s a Wild World

1st Generation (Series 1, Episode 9)

Skins – Wild World
Uploaded by omiKASE. – Explore more music videos.

So Magnolia! They pulled this shit off, and I appreciate that. Also, “Wild World” truly is that song you hear in your head when shit got crazy and now it’s quiet and you’re going from Point A to Point B and the journey is all.

+

3. Psychedelic Slumber Party

2nd generation (Series 3, Episode 4)

This scene really ‘explored the social dynamics’ between this set of male friends and also of female friends and it was f*cking hilarious. Also, I started watching S4 before the rest of Skins and I admit I didn’t really “get” Pandora or her place on the show. But in S3 she made me laugh like, 500 times.

+

4. Maxxie Comes Out to Anwar’s Dad

First Generation (Series 1, Episode 9)

In a show chock-full of disappointing, absent, cheating, drunk, negligent, drugged parents & teachers & psychiatrists — it’s Anwar’s strict Muslim father who truly mans up and does what grown-ups are supposed to do — break down the big things into little things and show their children where to go.

Also, on the gay /Maxxie tip, I wanna sneak this one in there as one of the funniest moments of Skins…

+

5b. Classroom Confessions

First Generation (Series 1, Episode 7)

[starts at about 4:00]

Maxxie: “I got off with Tony on the Russia trip. I only did it ’cause I fell out with Anwar when he said he hated gays. So I got upset and Tony said he’d give me head to cheer me up, you know? And it didn’t mean anything but I lost my head, then he gave me head, then we got deported from Russia and I’m really, really sorry for being a slut, okay?”

I also like how nonchalantly sexual fluiditity was handled in this episode. Skins has always been remarkably honest about its homos.

+

5. Cassie’s Exam

First Generation (Series 2, Episode 9)

When Cassie says to Sid, “I’ll love you forever Sid,” and he says “Is that right” and she says “Yes, that’s the problem,” I mean… GOD.

The final exchange with her teacher at the end of the exam is like a referendum on the Skins kids in general — how do you reconcile your self-destructive relationship to life’s slings/arrows with a need to stay alive and an uncertainty regarding your desire for happiness or how to go about getting some. And in the end, all you can really do is dance.

Cassie: Is it possible to truly enjoy power?
Lawes: Sorry?
Cassie: It’s question three.
Lawes: I’m not supposed to help you with your exam.
Cassie: I stopped eating, and then everyone had to do what I said. That was powerful.
Lawes: And did you enjoy that?
Cassie: I think it was the happiest time of my life. But I had to stop because I was going to die, because… otherwise it wasn’t fun…. You wouldn’t understand.
Lawes: You’re wrong, Cassie.
Cassie: Did you cut yourself, too?
Lawes: People will do anything to– People will do anything to work out why they feel bad, won’t they?
Cassie: And did you? Work it out?
Lawes: Like I said, I’m not supposed to help you with your exam.
Cassie: I want you to tell me!
Lawes: What?
Cassie: How to stop bad things happening.
Lawes: Doesn’t work, does it? That’s why you have to start eating again.
Cassie: … I fell in love.
Lawes: Ah, love. Why cut yourself when you can be in love?
Cassie: You think passing an exam will make me happy?
Lawes: Cassie, passing exams generally only makes life more complicated, but there’s lots of other stuff that makes things bearable, and you don’t even have to use a knife.
Cassie: … Like?
Lawes: Disco.

The Best Television of 2010 According to a Real Televisionary

Hey squirrelfriends! Autostraddle asked me to say a few words about television in 2010 and considering all of the FEELINGS and OPINIONS that I have on the subject, I had to say yes.

The only caveat I have here is that I’m just one person with one person’s opinions, ergo I am only going to write about the shows I watch. I’m sure you’re all going to have a whole lot of yelling to do in my general direction once you read this, so feel free to sound off in the comments. And I’ll feel free to ignore you!

Let’s start with my 20 favorite shows of 2010, ranked in no particular order and nominated based on overall watchability:

Best of 2010 – Scripted

1. Community
2. Parks and Recreation
3. 30 Rock
4. Weeds
5. Nurse Jackie/US of Tara (tie!)
6. Grey’s Anatomy
7. True Blood
8. Mad Men
9. Modern Family
10. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
11. Party Down
12. Gossip Girl

Best of 2010 – Reality

1. RuPaul’s Drag Race
2. The Fabulous Beekman Boys
3. Tabatha’s Salon Takeover
4. Top Chef Just Desserts – I want Yigit to bake things for me all the time! Also: THE RED HOTS WERE FOR MY MOMMY!
5. On the Road with Austin and Santino
6. Jersey Shore
7. Project Runway (even though Gretchen won)
8. Kell on Earth

Best Moment – Russell takes over the news on True Blood (HBO)

I mean, come on. Russell zoomed in, ripped the anchor’s spine out, and then uttered some of the most fantastic lines of dialogue I’ve ever heard: “Why would we seek equal rights? You are not our equals. We will eat you. After we eat your children. Now, time for the weather. Tiffany?” If that didn’t blow your mind then maybe you’re dead too.

Runner-up: the last 5 minutes of the Weeds episode “Boomerang” where everything goes to shit. That’s a really brilliant episode. Stephen Falk is awesome.

Best Comebacks – Gossip Girl (CW) and Weeds (Showtime)

Both of these have had awesome years. Like, really really awesome.

Biggest Disappointments – The Office (NBC), How I Met Your Mother (CBS)

I’m a big fan of both of these shows but they’re starting to show the signs of their old age. I have no idea what will happen when Michael Scott departs Dunder Mifflin at the end of the current season of the Office, and I almost don’t even care who Your Mother is anymore! But Mindy Kaling, girl, you’re still awesome.

Worst Cancellation – Party Down (Starz)

BLERG! ALL OF THE BLERGS!

Best New Show – NONE OF THEM!

JK I guess. I dunno, 2010 wasn’t a great year for new shows. If I had to choose I guess I’d say Boardwalk Empire and the Walking Dead. Both were big-budget epics with awesome production values but were a little a disappointing. And I really enjoyed Showtime’s The Big C as well.

Best Person on TV – Lizzy Caplan

She should be on every show. EVERY SHOW. Luckily what could wind up being the best show of all time is hopefully coming our way soon.

Best Animated Series – Adventure Time! (Cartoon Network)

A brilliantly bizarre series about a boy and a dog who use math and magic to solve puzzles and battle crazy characters in some sort of trippy candy land. I can’t explain it any better than that, you just have to watch it. It’s really unique and fun.

Best Thing About SNL – Stefon

He’s also the only good thing about SNL right now! I also generally love the Digital Shorts and I’m weirdly obsessed with the Miley Cyrus Show. I also liked the ladies of SNL special they did, where all of the amazing SNL alum ladies (and our perennial fave Kristen Wiig, who has been tragically underused lately) had a Real Housewives-style fake reunion hosted by Andy Cohen himself. But all of these special appearances just point out how good the show used to be, which just bums me out. They’ve had a lot of awesome hosts this season and have managed to make a slew of underwhelming episodes. But I’m hopeful for 2011… they’ve got Jim Carrey hosting in January!

Best Show I’m Embarrassed to Watch – Cougar Town (ABC)

They have acknowledged how awful the name is, if that helps. It’s universally praised by critics and is actually really, really funny, albeit a bit cheesy.

Worst Show I’m Embarrassed to Watch – Glee (Fox)

Good lord, where do I even begin? The second season of Glee has been even worse than the first. I’m going to get too ranty if I start listing all the problems with Glee. Anyone wishing to engage in a lengthy discussion about the pros and cons of Glee can meet me in the comments!

Worst Way To Meet a Bunch of Lesbians – The Real L Word (Showtime)

Whether you loved it, hated it, or loved to hate it (guilty!) this show sure did inspire a bunch of feelings! Unfortunately it was kinda boring and weirdly edited, but once we got to know the ladies of the Real L Word in real life (see what I did there?), it turned out that they were all pretty cool!

Craziest Finale – Mad Men (AMC), Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)

My first reaction to Don Draper’s proposal was “FAAAAAYYYE!” and my second reaction was “sorry new girl, nobody hit your buzzer.” But now I guess it makes a little more sense. Bonus points to the lovely scene of Peggy and Joan bonding near the end of the episode, which made me SO SO VERY HAPPY. And the Grey’s finale with the shooter on the loose in the hospital wasn’t an original premise by any means but it was executed to near perfection. Welcome back into my good graces, Grey’s!

Best Rewatching – Newsradio

After being robbed of my weekly Maura Tierney experience when ABC canceled The Whole Truth a few months ago, I turned to my collection of Newsradio DVDs and let me tell you, these are still really really funny 15 years later.

Best Television Recappers

If you’re like me, it’s not enough to just watch tv, you have to fully experience it as well. And to that end I am a big proponent of tv recaps. In my humble opinion, the best/funniest recappers around are Rich at fourfour, Richard Lawson at Gawker, Jacob at Television Without Pity and our very own Riese! REEEEAAADDD!

Best 2011 Shows – FROM THE FUTURE!

I’m excited to see Episodes and Shameless on Showtime, and Skins on MTV… but goddamn I am SO EXCITED about Portlandia coming to IFC. Fred Armisen and my own guitar hero Carrie Brownstein take their ThunderAnt shtick from the web to television. And I’ll say I’m cautiously optimistic about The Cape and Mr. Sunshine. As far as midseason premieres, I’m so happy to see Parks and Recreation (NBC) and RuPaul’s Drag Race (Logo) return in January. And if you missed it on Sundance, Be Good Johnny Weir is coming to Logo in 2011!

Top Ten Nickelodeon Shows We Remember Things About

by Taylor & Riese & Kelsey

The Challenge, posited under questionable circumstances during a pleasant moment of ’80s/’90s nostalgia: Three girls in Oakland, California. No internet/research allowed. Just pure memory. We added the photographs afterwards but still have not fact-checked a single word. We have also allowed Managing Editor Sarah to late-add her memories all the way from Michigan. This is essentially an epic poem which will change online journalism forever and probably win a Pulitzer Prize and perhaps launch an empire of revolutionary changeymachine socialist warriorchildren bright-eyed glitterfaces.

1. GUTS

Mike O’ Malley, who you might recognize from GLEE as Kurt’s Dad, used to host this show wearing an oversized hockey jersey like a creep. But now we like him.

Kelsey: The aggrocrag was a tricolored mountain. MADE OF FEAR.

Riese: I remember people hanging “in things,” which sounds like auto-erotic asphyxiation, but I don’t mean it like that.

Taylor: Let’s be honest, all I remember about this is some shit called the “AGGROCRAG,” and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. The Aggrocrag was some terrible mountain made of foam parts that fell off and crushed kids as they scaled up it which is probably why the kids had to sign a lot of waivers. Everyone knew someone who knew someone who died on the Aggrocrag.

+

2. Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Kids sat around a campfire speaking in hushed tones before the camera did that weird wavy thing. (Kelsey and Riese claim the technical term for this is “ripple dissolve”) (???) Riese wasn’t allowed to watch AYAOTD, so she only remembers the part around the campfire, which is a shame because it was the best show ever made.

+

3. Salute Your Shorts

Riese knows the theme song’s first verse, which is “Camp Anawana we hold you in our hearts…” Mostly this was just camp-related hijinks, hijinks in cabins, hijinks by a lake. The camp logo was probably a cute hand-written style maybe made out of wood/leaves, in line with the camp theme. Which is a lot of cohesion for this genre, really.

Taylor: Invariably things happened and people had to go to a nurse or something, who was probably hot.

Sarah: That guy from Rilo Kiley was on this show! So there’s only one degree of separation between it and Jenny Lewis, who coincidentally was also a child star (Troop Beverly Hills, holler). The one episode I remember involved a radio call-in show and a question about what color a giraffe’s tongue is. I think the answer was black? There was also maybe a character named Donkey Lips? Which is really weird.

+

4. Legends of the Hidden Temple

This show was Guts 2.0 but with animal-themed teams, like the ORANGE MONKEYS and what have you. People had to locate some probably borderline offensive totem poles/heads or something in assorted fog-machine-filled rooms of a temple constructed out of the kind of stuff in the bottom of those weird foam pits they have at gymnasiums.

5. Hey Dude

We can’t seem to recall the reason the children were on the ranch or what plotlines revolved around, but we are sure that it happened and was on after Salute Your Shorts.

Riese: The girl who married Ben Stiller was in it, the one who was also in The Brady Bunch Movie. And this guy who annoyed me a lot.

Taylor: This was the same show as Salute Your Shorts except it was set at a dude ranch, which is obviously not a thing. I was fiercely loyal to this show because my parents told me it was filmed near a place I used to live, which basically meant I was famous.

Kelsey: I can’t believe that an actual show occurred in the context of a little ranch with a horse and that was the whole premise – like somebody had that idea and then filmed it and it was on television. That’s so crazy!

+

6. The Adventures of Pete & Pete

Taylor: This show made me feel dirty, I can’t talk about it.

Riese: I think someone from this show became famous but I might be thinking of a different show. This show annoyed me.

Sarah: Not as weird as Ren & Stimpy, but it was still pretty weird.

+

7. Clarissa Explains it All

Clarissa wore really extraordinary outfits and a lot of hats. She was big into accessories and she moved letters with her hands in the opening credits.

Riese: I wanted to wear leggings under my jean shorts like Clarissa did, but my legs were too skinny for my leggings.

Sarah: I really doubt that those parents would’ve let the boy next door have a ladder perpetually propped next to their daughter’s bedroom window. That’s like all I could ever think about while watching it.

+

8. Double Dare

Taylor: I think the host on Double Dare is someone. I didn’t like how they got slimed.

Riese: It was like Mark Burnett or something. Marc Summers? I wanted to be on this show so bad.

Sarah: OMG, Marc Summers. I hated his voice so much, and it continues to annoy the ever-loving sh*t out of me on Unwrapped. Why can’t he go away? At least Double Dare had slime.

9. You Can’t Do That on Television

Taylor: This sounds familiar but I can’t remember exactly.

Riese: Alanis Morisette was in it, it was like Canadian or something. My Mom totallllly didn’t let me watch this show, it was like the worst for some reason.

Taylor: Why?

Riese: It was like raunchier or something. I feel like there was a lot of media attention on this show, like Beavis and Butthead style. Actually though the real reason is because I wasn’t allowed to watch any TV with commercials in it because of you know, capitalist warmongers.

+

10. The Secret World of Alex Mack

Taylor: She made me realize I should grow my bangs out because she had really great bangs. Or rather lack of bangs. It changed my life. Didn’t Alex Mack’s dad work for a research company or something? It was a pretty badass show. Kinda gay. Also clearly she was made of the same substance as Capri Suns, as revealed by some great marketing on behalf of Capri Suns Inc. some time toward the mid 90s.

Sarah: She turned into weird silvery stuff right? That’s all I really remember. Did she fight crime? What was the hook?

Riese: I never saw this show but I think looking at that picture it’s pretty safe to say that her “secret world” was the world of lesbians.

Autostraddle’s Ultimate Fall 2010 Television Preview/Pre-Judge

It’s that time of year when my attention turns to three things:

1. School supplies
2. Sweater weather
3. Fall TV

I’ve been a loyal viewer long enough to remember when fall was the only time TV was new (there was none of this “midseason replacement” and “summer premiere” crap). But I can’t remember ever seeing such a full-to-bursting fall schedule! And yet very little of it looks half as thrilling as a lingering glance (or lingering shooting lesson, zowie!) on Rizzoli & Isles.

Instead of trying to get my head around the gargantuan list of new and returning shows (several people with superpowers have already compiled some handy lists and schedules), I’m just going to hit the highlights and lowlights.

SUNDAY

Boardwalk Empire

Sundays starting Sept. 19, HBO, new

I can’t decide what appeals to me most: the setting (Atlantic City during Prohibition), the cast (including Steve Buscemi and Kelly Macdonald), the title that reminds me of Monopoly, or the fact that I’ll now have something to watch on Sundays while I’m waiting for Mad Men to start.

Sister Wives

Sundays starting Sept. 26, TLC, new

This is apparently the real-life version of Big Love. I mention only because it makes me think of that “Sister Friend” thing — remember when Rosie O’Donnell and Wynonna Judd called each other that all the time? No? Well, I’m just saying: I hope they don’t start calling each other “Sister Wife.” Ick.

MONDAY

Mike & Molly

Mondays starting Sept. 20, CBS, new

I’m not sure I can actually bring myself to watch this, because it looks like a lame(r) descendant of The King of Queens. But Melissa McCarthy is adorable and truly gifted comedically and will always be the only real Sookie to me (Stackhouse who?). Also, Swoosie Kurtz is in it, and I still miss Sisters.

Chase

Mondays starting Sept. 20, NBC, new

This show seems to feature girls with guns, including Rose Rollins (Tasha on The L Word). That is all I (need to) know.

Hawaii Five-0

Mondays starting Sept. 20, CBS, new

Kidding!! You couldn’t pay me to watch anything that stars the spawn of James Caan. (Yes, Grace Park is on the show too, but I just don’t think that’s enough to overcome the rest of the suckage.)

The Event

Mondays starting Sept. 20, NBC, new

FlashForward made me wary of shows that have a big secret, but Laura Innes is on this, so I’ll give it a try. Oh, and Lisa Vidal is on it too. Wait a minute! I just figured out what the “event” is: the reunion of Dr. Weaver and her firefighter girlfriend Sandy! Can we please page Dr. Legaspi while we’re at it?

In Treatment

Mondays and Tuesdays starting Oct. 25, HBO, returning

Nothing will ever be as good as that amazing first season — featuring Mia Wasikowska in a heart-breaking, breakout role — but I’m looking forward to seeing Debra Winger and Amy Ryan every week. But wah, no Dianne Wiest!

TUESDAY

Glee

Tuesdays starting Sept. 21, Fox, returning

I don’t always love everything about this show, but I’ll still be happy to see it (and Jane Lynch) again.

Detroit 1-8-7

Tuesdays starting Sept. 21, ABC, new

Hmm. Why didn’t they call it Detroit 4-4-2 and use that Blondie tune as the theme song? Also, Michael Imperioli plays a cop on this show, which just makes me miss the American version of Life on Mars. Um. Never mind.

Raising Hope

Tuesdays starting Sept. 21, Fox, new

This seems to be about the recession and parenthood. These are not my favorite topics. But Martha Plimpton is one of my favorite actresses, so I’ll give it at least two episodes before I give up and watch The Goonies instead.

Running Wilde

Tuesdays starting Sept. 21, Fox, new

Bluh. The presence of Will Arnett and David Cross does not another Arrested Development make. And why does David Cross get to have two new shows while Laura Kightlinger (whose brilliant The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman is being ripped off by the aforementioned Cross on his other show) has none?

The Good Wife

Tuesdays starting Sept. 28, CBS, returning

I still don’t think Archie Panjabi deserved the Emmy, but I sure do hope Kalinda turns out to be gay. Mostly I wish Alicia would smash Peter’s face in. Then the title would be all sarcastic and stuff.

Updaaate! It seems Lili Taylor may play Kalinda’s love interest. Yeeee! Taylor has always had the gayest vibe ever, even when she’s playing straight. And she is always a delight. Though I still wish I’d never seen The Addiction.

Beverly Hills 90210 Day: Top 8 Characters We’d Like to Fingerbang

Today is 09/02/10, a date which only comes once in a lifetime and which holds deep personal meaning for those of us who spent significant chunks of our adolescence on the couch watching 90210 marathons/reruns/new-episode-Wednesdays and imagining the day when we, too, would be the subject of hallway gossip and have nice cleavage to pack into our prom dresses.  That day never came, because we are queer weirdos. Regardless, in honor of 90210 day, we thought we’d make you a nice Top Seven 90210 characters we’d like to spend some time with. Naked.

Before we begin, I’d like to let you know that it was my Mother who informed me that today was 90210 Day. She also reminded me of other, equally important holidays:

I should add that she never watched 90210 on the couch with me, she just periodically entered the room to tell me I was rotting my brain. I didn’t care, I had Cheez-Its to eat.

+

The

Top Eight Beverly Hills 90210 Characters We Would Like to Have Sex With

+

8. Brenda Walsh (Shannen Doherty)

Laneia: BRENDA. Jesus.
Riese: You know she would be really good at sex, Brenda.
Laneia: She’d fuck you up. In a good way, but still. Wait, I think i just equated sex to relationships. Based on sex alone, yes. Brenda.
Riese: It would be intense to have sex with Brenda. Good intense.

+

7. Brandon Walsh (Jason Priestly)

Riese: I’m going to put Brandon on the list too.
Laneia: Fuck yes.
Riese: He would probably be very nice as a lover. make breakfast afterwards, etc.
Laneia: He’d cuddle. Yes, breakfast.
Riese: For sure, he’s got critter tendencies.

+

6. Dylan McKay (Luke Perry)

Riese: What about Dylan?
Laneia: Dylan is hands down the only boy I wanted for years. Every boy I ‘dated’ was compared to Dylan McKay.
Riese: You’d only have to undo one strap of his overalls and the whole thing would come down, since the other strap was already undone.
Laneia: !!! I laughed a lot!
Riese: So you were a Dylan girl, not a Brandon girl?
Laneia: Right. Always. Still? I mean, look at me! I need you to be brooding against a wall.
Riese: True, he had that Jordan Catalano/Shane thing going on but was way too cheesy to resonate like they did. Although his voice was really sexy.
Laneia: Well, you had to view him within the confines of the show, which was inherently cheesy. Didn’t Brandon have a bad boy period? I feel like he did. I paid very little attention to Brandon.
Riese: Yes, Brandon had a bad boy period. He crashed that car, remember?
Laneia: Yes!
Riese: I feel like he also had a drug problem for ~1-2 episodes.
Laneia: NOW I WANT A BRANDON!

+

5. Emily Valentine (Christine Elise)

Was it the dyke haircut, or the perfect jaw, or the resolute knowledge that crazy girls are always fun for a pantsless romp? If she could promise not to set your house on fire or crank call your parents or drug you at a rave afterward… Emily Valentine FTW.

+

4. Clare Arnold (Kathleen Robertson)

Riese: Did you like Clare? I really liked Clare.
Laneia: Yes, I think so. Was she fucked? I feel like she was fucked.
Riese: She dated Steve for some reason. She was fucked. She was “the Chancellor’s Daughter.” One time she handcuffed herself to the bed.

+

3. Kelly Taylor (Jenny Garth)

Remember Tara, one of the worst most offensive psycho-lesbian characters of all time? Tara, cut from the same trope that birthed The L Word‘s Adele, moved in with Kelly Taylor after rehab and wanted to BE her. Tara dyed & cut her hair like Kelly’s and would stand trance-like in front of the mirror, intoning “I am Kelly Taylor” over & over like a Beverly Hills Beach Club Poltergeist.

It was easy to make fun of Tara, but in a way, we all wanted to be Kelly Taylor too. Maybe Kelly was too wrapped up in herself to notice that this fan was more dangerous than all the others, maybe even more dangerous than Colin.

“You don’t want your life to be like mine,” said Kelly, Kelly the rape survivor with the alcoholic mother, housefire problem, coke addiction and other assorted tumults. Did we really want to be Kelly Taylor?

No. Ultimately, we just wanted Kelly Taylor to sleep over, if only for the manic butterflies burning brightly in your handsy gut when you think to yourself, “Oh my god, I’m going down on Kelly Taylor.”

+

2. Valerie Malone (Tiffani Thiessen)

Riese: What do you think about Valerie? I thought she was 10x sexier than Kelly Kapowski and had bisexual vibes.
Laneia: Yes. Kelly Kapowski was a douche.
Riese: Also Valerie looked better all grown up with breasts and everything.
Laneia: I was a Lisa Turtle girl.
Riese: Awww
Laneia: Lisa Turtle knew what she wanted. She was not going to fuck around w/ those stupid boys, etc. And then she did and I felt pretty betrayed ANYWAY. YES! Valerie would’ve been a good fuck for sure!
Riese: Valerie took risks. Actually, Valerie knew what she wanted to. She’d be really transparent in bed, and then you’d be shocked the next day when she answered the phone in a voice you didn’t recognize.
Laneia: As a person to connect with? Probably not so much.
Riese: She had a lot of walls up. Which I would like to penetrate. Or be penetrated by. I guess you can’t be penetrated by a wall. I think I just wanna do it at the Peach Pit After Dark.

1. Andrea Zuckerman

Because she’s gay

So what are you doing to celebrate? Which 90210 character did you want to fingerbang?

Before “The Real L Word” – 11 Lesbian & Bisexual Reality TV Stars We Love

Long before The Real L Word came along with its sunshine vadgeblasters and lesbian sex interrogations and Power of the Claminissms, there were heaps of other women on reality TV shows breaking down the walls constructed by hegemonic symbolic annihilation and lesbian media invisibility. The first-ever “reality show”, American Family, premiered in 1973 on PBS and controversially featured a gay male castmember, but the reality genre remained relatively unexplored after that point until 1991, when MTV debuted The Real World — the true story of six strangers, picked to live in a house, and have their lives taped.

Beth Anthony became the first lesbian on reality television in 1993 when she joined the cast of The Real World: Los Angeles mid-season (replacing Irene Berrera-Kearns, who left after getting married) wearing a shirt that proclaimed “I’m not gay, but my girlfriend is.”

The Real World remained in a league of its own for about a decade, adding on The Road Rules franchise in the late 90’s. Then with Survivor and Big Brother, the reality TV explosion exploded and, in step, we’ve seen a ton more homos on the TV.

In fact, lesbian and bisexual women are more visible on reality TV than in any other medium — for better (Real World/Road Rules Challenge 2: Battle of the Sexes) and for worse (A Shot at Love With the Ikki Twins).

Lesbian and bisexual women are often hosts, judges and headliners on reality TV programs, including Jackie Warner (Work Out), Tabatha Coffey (Shear Genius & Tabatha’s Salon Takeover), Honey Labrador (Queer Eye for the Straight Girl), Cat Cora (Iron Chef), Jillian Michaels (The Biggest Loser), Jenny Shimizu ( Make Me a Supermodel), Elvira Kurt (My Fabulous Gay Wedding), Tila Tequila (A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila) and Ellen DeGeneres (American Idol).

Lesbian and bisexual women in the cast of reality TV shows include Ebony Haith (America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 1), Kathy Harris (BET’s College Hill), Lauren Marcoccio (The Amazing Race), Josie Smith-Malave (Top Chef), Michelle Deighton (America’s Next Top Model: Cycle 4) Anita Lo (Iron Chef/Top Chef Masters), Sandee Birdsong (Top Chef), Jamie Lauren (Top Chef), Ruthie Alcaide (Real World: Hawaii), Lydia Tavera (Big Brother), Emily Schromm (Real World: Washington DC), Leslie Mancia (America’s Next Top Model: Cycle Six), Jessica Cabo (Hell’s Kitchen), Coral Smith (Real World: Back to New York), Sarah Rice (Real World: Brooklyn), Natalie Bolton (Survivor), Carol Rosenfeld & Brandy Snow (The Amazing Race), Rebecca Cardon (Workout), and the female castmembers of Gimme Sugar, Curl Girls & A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila.

1. Genesis Moss

The Real World: Boston (MTV, 1997)

“Back in the good ole days, Real World marathons were like Christmas and my birthday combined, and it was 12 hours of non-stop TV crack. The summer after I graduated from high school (2000) I caught a Real World Boston marathon (originally aired 1997) and discovered Genesis Moss, the first lesbian on TV with whom I ever identified.

I knew I liked girls but the thought of calling myself a lesbian seemed completely alien to me – the media’s definition of that word just didn’t fit and I truly believed there wasn’t anyone else like me. Genesis was quiet, introspective and spent much of her season on the internet looking for other gay people to talk to. Her experience in that house was similar to how I felt in the world at that time. Her mother denied she was 100% gay due to her fascination with drag queens and she burst into tears when a child at the cast’s workplace claimed she hated gay people (the week after Ellen came out on her TV show). She was also extremely feminine at a time when K.D. Lang and Melissa Etheridge were the most recognizable out women so she radically changed my entire perspective of what a lesbian could look like. I had never been attracted to another gay person before (and didn’t think it was possible in this lifetime) so watching & admiring her on TV was actually my first step in “getting good” with it.”

(-Senior Writer Jess)

+

2. Aneesa Ferriera

The Real World: Chicago (MTV, 2001)

“Her Mom is Jewish, her Dad is African-American, and her shirt is NOT ON. PERIOD.”

(-Editor-in-Chief Riese)

+

3. Rachel Robinson

Road Rules Campus Crawl (MTV, 2002)

[Second lesbian cast on Road Rules, the first was Sophie in 2001]

“Rachel was good looking with a great body and had this presence, and she competed as hard as the boys. She was a really strong competitor. She was totally cool with having a girlfriend, you know? And I remember her wearing political t-shirts about gay things. I felt like she wasn’t hiding anything, and that was empowering to me.”

(-Design Director Alex)

+

4. Ami Cusack

Survivor: Vanatu, Season 9  (CBS, 2004)

[2004: Along with 59-year-old Scout Cloud Lee,
Cusack was the first lesbian to appear on Survivor]

“Ami was a classy girl who always seemed a bit wiser than everyone else. You wanted to cheer for her, you wanted her to win.”

(-Design Director Alex)

+

5. Kim Stolz

America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 5 (The CW, 2005)

[Kim was the fourth queer woman on America’s Next Top Model.
Her season also featured bi-curious Sarah Rhoades and
lesbian Nik Pace, though Nik was not out on the show.]

Kim Stolz catwalked onto our teevee screens in 2005 in a tie and cut-offs and told Tyra Banks, “I’m out and I’m gay and I’m really proud of it,” presenting perhaps the first network-televised image ever of a strikingly beautiful boyish girl who, as Kim told Autostraddle she’s always felt, is “unwavering” in her “comfort with being gay.” 

Kim Stolz wasn’t angry or compromised or stupid. It was like she’d come to earth from some other planet or maybe even from The Future; a place where “ideals” = “laws” and lesbianism was already established as cool & good-looking & seductive and … well … I guess … totally human. To most of America, and to young lesbian women raised on aggressively idiotic & reductive reality television in particular, this Concept was a revelation. Of course to a lot of women, Kim was important specifically because she wasn’t a revelation; she was a lot like the lesbians they knew, maybe in another liberal arts college they’d been lucky enough to attend. Finally! Someone articulate & reasonable & passionate & funny! with a background that hadn’t hardened her into the understandably furious & defensive lesbian “character” usually recruited for Reality TV shows. She’s since levied her fifteen minutes into an established career as a journalist and television host. (via Kim Stolz: The Autostraddle Interview)
+

6. Michelle Babin

America’s Next Top Model, Cycle 7 (The CW, 2006)

“Michelle and her twin sister Amanda brought a new element to ANTM in more ways than one (ha! see what I did there?). We got to see Michelle’s coming out process onscreen, including dealing with her sister’s reaction to her coming out as “probably bisexual”/”maybe gay.” Amanda later confessed to Tyra in a heart-to-heart that she was scared for Michelle and Tyra reminded Amanda that Michelle “needs you more than ever now, you’re her rock.” And for just one moment, I was physically moved to tears by a Tyra-Banks-initiated conversation and they weren’t tears of embarrassment.

After coming out to the group, Megan & Amanda called their Mom who told Michelle not to worry about it because she loved her no matter what AND I FUCKING CRIED AGAIN.” (Riese)
+

7. Tika Milan

I’m From Rolling Stone (MTV, 2007)

“The 26-year-old poet & writer didn’t win the contributing editor job on the show that only ran for one season, but she was a rare bird for reality TV — an African-American out lesbian with a “not traditionally feminine” presentation. As she told AfterEllen in a 2007 interview: ‘I didn’t want to come off as the angry black person, or as the man-hating gay person, either. That’s not me, so that wasn’t ever going to come out. I was just going to be myself. You know, I was a respectable person. I know when I was 15 or 16, I was dying to see another gay person on television, another gay, black woman on TV. [Nowadays] I could sit around and watch The L Word all day, but nobody on The L Word looks like me.’ Unfortunately not enough people were as interested in the inner workings of a magazine as I was, so this show never got past the first season.”  (Riese)
+

8. Michele Fleury

Curl Girls (Logo, 2007)

[The first all-lesbian reality show on a major network.]

“She seemed more sensible than everyone else. I think I just wanted to make out with her.”

(-Executive Editor Laneia)

+

9. Dani Campbell

A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila (MTV, 2008)

Dani Campbell was our friendly “futch” ally in a cast populated by violent, alcoholic, hypersexual human-like creatures, and we were subsequently impressed when Dani made it to the final round as the last lady standing. She didn’t win, but that was fine. Maybe you even wanted her to lose, because by that point either you were blind or you’d developed a massive star-crush on Dani Campbell. If it wasn’t for Dani, you told your friends, you wouldn’t be watching that terribly offensive trainwreck of a show to begin with. She was smarter than the other girls! Or maybe you wanted her to lose because you knew she was cooler than that show. Or maybe you wanted her to win because you hadn’t ever seen a girl who looked like Dani win something on the teevee, even if that ‘something’ was a shot at love with Tila Tequila.

How’d she avoid the snark typically laden upon Professional Celesbians? By being nice. And charming. And genuine. And cute. No, she’s not terribly complicated; but she’s humble, and she saves people from burning buildings! The New York Post declared “…win or lose, Campbell is the show’s breakout star. And she did it by avoiding the typical traps of reality TV. Instead of being wild and attention-hungry, she has come across as down-to-earth, open-minded and funny.”

(via Dani Campbell Wants More: The Autostraddle Interview)
+

10. Charlene

Gimme Sugar (Logo, 2008-’09)

“Charlene is undeniably “real,” super-sweet, reads & responds to every fan-email she receives and, as we discovered in conversation with her, probably deserves a coffee table book of Charlenisms (”If you’re not yourself on TV, then who are you?” “I was like, I love everyone, you know what I mean? I love EVERYONE,” “I love Miami, but I think if there’s weather Miami will be the first one to go under the ocean.”) and is one of the most genuine people you’ll ever find on reality teevee.” (via Sweet Sweet Charlene of Logo’s Gimme Sugar: The Autostraddle Interview.)
+

11. Ashley Merriman

Top Chef (Bravo, 2009)

“Besides being AS ADORABLE AS A FUCKING PUPPY she stayed really focused on her goals and never got caught up in the dramz (except for that onnne time they made it seem like she was going off about gay marriage, but we later learned was CLEVARR EDITING).”

(-Laneia)

Who are your favorite reality TV stars?

The 5 Best Lost Episodes For A Thorough Mindf*ck

Lost may be drawing to an epic, left-your-brain-in-the-microwave-too-long conclusion soon, but the show’s replay value means you’ll be enjoying everybody’s favorite action-packed, tropical acid flashback for years to come. Here are my favorite Lost touchstones from the long, weird ride to this month’s series finale.

1. “Pilot”

SEASON 1 / EPISODE 1 & 2

It all started here. Lost‘s pilot is a standalone movie on its own– I’ve probably seen this episodes a dozen times. At the time of filming it was the most expensive television pilot ever produced, you know, what with the jungle and the jumbo jet and all. This is a fantastic introduction to our trusty protagonist, Jack Shephard. Plus, The Fucking Crash!

+ (more…)

Autostraddle’s Big Gay Fall 2009 TV Preview: Get Ready to LOL!

Ah, fall. My favorite season. Crisp air, layered clothing, sweaters (it’s like wearing a hug all day! tm Carlytron), and fall television — the most robust and interesting of all the television seasons! We here at Autostraddle are super excited about fall! So many things are going on! But for now, we’re going to talk about “the teevee,” as Riese likes to call it. So please sit back and relax while we tell you what is worth watching this fall!

Basically, we looked at the shows that were generating a lot of buzz all over the internets and then we tried to find a way to talk about them that would be somehow different from the 385 other Fall TV Previews out there already. We figured the best way to do that was with our sparkling, charming personalities (aside from Tinkerbell, it’s all we’ve got).

So we held a mini roundtable and broke the schedule down to tell you why you might care about these new shows and how we feel about them ourselves. This lunacy was patiently edited by Interns Emily and X, and for that we are eternally grateful (other intern shoutouts go to Lola, Vashti, and Laura! Hey girl hey!). If you loved The Autostraddle L Word Recaps, you will love our chat!

(more…)

Top Ten Feats of Lesbian-Storyline-Television Endurance

We are often such scavengers when it comes to lesbians on television. We’ll forage desperately and hungrily through minutes upon minutes of storylines we don’t care about on shows we’ve never seen before — aliens! Junior high schoolers! Telenovelas! Big Brother 10: Gomorrah! — to reach the two-minute morsel we care about so much more than we probably should:  the holy grail of promised homosexual content.

Is there a bisexual secretary? Turn it up! A lesbian kiss at 35:54? DVR it! Mischa Barton? Has a lesbian sneezed? Did she sneeze on a bisexual? Was it Jessica Capshaw?  Is she pretty, does her Mom know? How many episodes will her story arc last? Will there be tongue? Was this news given an entire post and three gigantic photographs on AfterEllen?

Well, you bet we’ll be there, twitter-fingers ready to witness and sound off. However, sometimes we can cheat the system by watching a YouTube lesbian storyline compilation (e.g., Mistresses) but that’s getting harder with their copyrighted content crackdown [and just when you think you’ve found it … it turns out to be a montage of Kim/Sugar screenshots set to a Jason Mraz lullaby]. Let’s not forget once upon a time the only way to watch a TV show was on the TV when it actually aired or on DVD several months later.

Which is just to say that more often than not we’ve had to get our kicks the hard way — by watching the entire freaking show. What pain we must endure for three minutes of pleasure inevitably ending with the sweeps bisexual going back to her ex-boyfriend and the hot lesbian/bisexual guest-star departing blithely into the distance!

So today we’ll round up some of the B.S. we’ve sat through and tell you all about it! I had to recruit some interns to fill in the gaps on this one, and of course Crystal from Australia to give you the scoop on the negligable homosexual conduct down under.

(more…)