25 Lesbian Relationship and Friendship Truths As Told By “The L Word”

25 Lesbian Relationship and Friendship Truths As Told By The L Word

1. Just because a girl says she’s straight doesn’t mean she won’t make out with you. (Or date you.)

2. Before you know it, your gay friend who used to operate as a single unit of human will become part of an inseparable gay double-unit of human and you will not be able to see one without seeing the other. Luckily, this additional human will  probably become your gay friend too.

3. You’ll never forget your first love.

4. Sexy Top + Sexy Top = Sexy Wrestling Match.

5. You will never stop feeling awestruck by her beauty/handsomeness, and bewildered by the fact that she chose you.

6. Seeing your ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend can be very life-affirming!

7. Just because you’re lonely and she’s pretty doesn’t mean you have to fuck.

8. Your first time having sex is never your best time having sex.

9. It’s not easy to figure out what to do with all those sex toys after the breakup.

10. There is a 100% chance that you will, at some point, have your heart completely ripped out.

11. You can never underestimate your family’s ability to deny glaring evidence of your homosexuality…

…and you can never underestimate your family’s ability to draw logical conclusions despite minimal evidence of your homosexuality.

12. Tegan & Sara already know everything about you, you big lez!

13. Truly lasting relationships require shared values and a similar way of looking at the world…

…and having the same opinion about Jenny Schecter.

14. Your lesbian friends and YES even your ex-girlfriends will protect you with a ferocity rivaling that of the biggest baddest big brother of all time.

15. There are 50 ways for your lover to refuse to leave you. 

16. Sometimes it’s just meant to be.

17. Your definition of “relationship” might not be hers.

18. Sometimes you have 99 problems and a girl is every fucking one of them and then you’ve just gotta do whatever the fuck it is that you’ve gotta do.

19. Gaydar is an Imperfect Science.

20. Guys will still hit on you. And not always because they think you’re straight.

21. It’s more than just a haircut, even if you only keep it for one season.

22. Dinah Shore is a really really special place to go with a broken heart.

23. OH IT COUNTS.

24. Everybody is DEFINITELY sleeping with everybody else.

25. And the best antidote to a life filled with straight people… is a room filled with gay people.

The Top 50 Gayest Parts of Pretty Little Liars Season Three

It has been quite a gay season on Pretty Little Liars. We’ve added two new lesbian/bi/queer characters and Paige even lived through the season finale! More than that though, it seems the whole city of Rosewood has gone lesbosexy crazy in their actions, fashion and sexual innuendo. So let’s see what made our Top 50 Gayest Parts of Pretty Little Liars Season Three.

50. Paige’s Toyota Matrix

49. When OK Cupid hit Rosewood

48. Mona’s sneaking into Hanna’s bedroom in the middle of the night because she needed her

47. When Emily wore this fedora

46. Ezra’s codependency issues and refusal to break up.

45. That time Cece IDed Emily as gay within minutes of meeting her

44. Everyone needs therapy.

43. Aria’s boss looks like the lesbian character on a late 90’s sitcom.

42. That time Shana and Emily bury the hatchet about both having dated Paige because it was mutually beneficial for both of them… but then were totally in a fight again the next day.

41. Aria’s career as a wine drinking photographer.

40. Emily’s job as a barista.

39. That time Shana got super jealous of her ex.

38. That time Emily made this face in response to seeing Spencer play strip trivia with a guy.

37. Spencer’s health shake.

36. Emily’s new super gung ho attitude

35. Wesley’s sweater collection

34. Maya’s feelings letter to Emily

33. Hanna trying really hard not to make Paige jealous but also being sort of weirdly intentionally hyper-aware of their relationship but in a way that makes you think maybe she sort of has feelings for Emily

32. Emily’s lesbian sitting posture

31. That time Emily identified the patriarchy

30. Emily’s love for cut-off button-ups

29. Emily’s love for plaid button-ups

28. That time Emily had total revisionist history about how she came out

27. That time Paige wished she’d taken wood shop while wearing a bald eagle cut-off shirt.

26. That time Paige tried to help Emily put a tie on

25. Hanna’s reaction when a boy tries to hit on Emily

24. Paige’s vest collection

23. Mona’s possessive feelings towards the Liars

22. That time Our Gay Boyfriend Adam Lambert was performing on the Halloween Train dressed as a vampire

21. Maya’s crazy video diary website that’s mostly just dedicated to Emily

20. That time Paige got drunk off whiskey while wearing a slouchy hat

19. That time Paige saved Spencer from a bad guy while wearing a tux

18. That time Hanna wore this outfit

17. Aria’s combat boots

16. That time Paige acted super understanding about Emily kissing Nate even though she was secretly totally raging about it

15. Paige is a martyr for love

14. That time Ali planned a fantasy trip for her and Emily to Paris

13. Emily refuses to believe her girlfriend is A even when all of her friends do

12. A’s love for whiskey

11. The amount of time Paige and Emily spend crying and comforting each other

10. The amount of time Paige and Emily spend processing their feeling and then bringing them to the table to discuss.

9. Paige fighting with Spencer because both were obsessed with thinking they knew what was best for Emily

8. That time Emily and Paige had metaphorical Barbarella energy exchange

7. Hanna being pissed that Shana isn’t into her

6. Paige’s bicycle

5. That time Emily brought Paige kale for lunch

4. Jenna and Shana being a thing and having lesbian hand sex

3. Caleb’s feelings.

2. That time Hanna went to a gay bar while trying to spy on Paige flirting with her ex-girlfriend but ended up flirting with a girl and starting a huge fight

1. All of Paige and Emily’s lesbosexy make-out kissing action

There you have it, feelings, feelings, more feelings, a bunch of super dykey clothing and even some actual lesbosexy action. I can’t wait for Season Four.

Top 12 Best “L Word” Episodes Ever

We would not be here today if it wasn’t for The L Word, because it was various online communities developed around that show that eventually evolved into this website! Every now and again, it seems important to revisit our roots, and today we will do so via my Top Twelve Favorite L Word episodes ever. My qualifications to write this list include that I was the L Word recapper for The L Word Online for Seasons 3-5 and hosted Showtime’s L Word vlog Lezberado for Season Six. Also, Ilene Chaiken hates me.

This list was incredibly difficult to put together, especially because so many of my favorite scenes took place in so many terrible episodes. Worse still was the abysmal situation known as “Season Four,” a sprawling mess of nonsense which managed to corrupt one of the series’ best scenes ever — the basketball scene. We popped in 404 (Layup) to screencap it for this top ten, and suddenly I was met with an onslaught of terribleness — Jenny’s bizarre dog adoption to get back at Stacey Merkin situation, a Mount Holyoke student telling Max he’s a freak and storming out of the restaurant, the random Russian Nanny Natasha telling Angus he’s “too hot to be a papa” and then giving him a beejer, Alice’s pursuit of Papi’s solar system, Jodi’s weird art situation and just really so much terribleness I can’t even. So we had to strike it from the list. Luckily we already have a Top 15 L Word Sex Scenes list, so those choices have been made.

I also wanted to include at least one episode per season, otherwise I just would’ve listed all of Season One and included a few photos of Shane’s nipples. These are the important decisions I have to make every day in this job!

Oh, one more thing! Apparently not everybody has seen this show because sometimes people ask me “where to start” with The L Word if you’re watching it for the first time.

Honestly, I’d say you should watch every episode of every season, just like your foremothers before you. If you insist upon an easier way that will require less hours because you’re v. busy and important, my suggestion is below. [Also, some of the recaps from my old recap site have been moved to this site. The formatting is probs weird from the transfer and I was younger/stupider then, but they sure are funny!]

So, for L Word Virgins Who Don’t Want To Watch Every Episode Seventeen Times Like I Did…

Watching The L Word For the First Time – The Fast/Easy Way: 

however you really should watch all of it!

Season One: Season One from start to finish.

Season Two: 201 (Life, Loss, Leaving) for continuity’s sake and to meet Carmen. 204 (Lynch Pin), 205 (Labyrinth), 206 (Lagrimas de Oro), 210 (Land Ahoy!) and 211 (Loud & Proud) ’cause they’re fun, and 213 for continuity’s sake and to meet Sharmen.

Season Three: 301 because obvs, 302 (Lost Weekend), 305 (Lifeline) because sex, 311 (Last Dance) because although it’s pretty terrible, it’s also chock-full of relevant and necessary flashbacks to the early days of Dana Fairbanks, which you must see. Then 312 (Left Hand of the Goddess) because it’s the finale and you always have to watch the finale.

Season Four: I think you could watch the entirety of Season Four while doing other things, like housecleaning, sex, raising children or planning a dinner party. The reason I suggest watching Season Four while washing your vagina or the coffee table is because there are lots of good scenes in it and it’s very fun — especially after the epic downer of Season 3 — but only one good episode (406: Luck Be A Lady) and one pretty-good episode (405: Lez Girls). So if you’re watching Season Four while Henry clips his toenails, start out with the premiere, 401 (Legend in the Making), watch 402 for the papi intro, 403 (lassoed) because it’s fun, 404 (Layup) to meet Paige and Jodi and for the basketball scene, 405 (Lez Girls) (meet Tasha!) 406 (Luck Be A Lady), 408 (Lexington & Concord) for Talice, the parts of 409 (Lacy Lilting Lyrics) where all the girls are in Alice’s bed and 412 (Long Time Coming) because it’s the finale.

Season Five: Start to finish. (The finale is probs the season’s weakest episode, but you need to watch it anyhow.)

Season Six: Let’s just pretend like it never happened!

Now for the list!

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My Favorite 12 “L Word” Episodes Ever

12. 607 – Last Couple Standing

[watch]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Rose Troche (Go Fish)

Season Six, better known as Season SUCKS, was an exercise in slow water torture from which nobody emerged unscathed. Actually I’m not sure if you heard, but Jenny actually died as well. Anyhow, before collectively dying in a metaphorical fire, everybody danced one last time and we all pretended like 607 was the end of the season because 608 was the worst 59 minutes in the history of television for real.

11. 305 – Lifeline

[watch]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Kimberly Pierce (Boys Don’t Cry)

Season Three was a heedless and usually sexless march towards The Untimely Death of Dana Fairbanks, cluttered with other situations such as Bette’s sudden appreciation for flowy tunic frock shirt things. But in 305, the following things happened: Alice had sex with a Vampire, Shane and Cherie Jaffe had reunion pool strap-on sex and I believe also Dylan and Helena took a train to tuna-town.

10. 502 – Look Out, Here They Come!

[watch]

written by Cherien Dabis (Amreeka), directed by Jamie Babbit (But I’m a Cheerleader, Itty Bitty Titty Committe)

After Season Four I was pretty sure The L Word was gonna suck forever, but then Season Five happened! The premiere wasn’t thrilling, so 502 was like the unicorn who comes into the forest on a rainbow of lightbeams and says “there is hope for this show to be good and fun again!” It was funny, is the thing, and opened with the theoretical sex conversation that was probs like a shipper’s dream come true. Also so much sex!

9. 406 – Luck Be A Lady

[watch]

written & directed by Angela Robinson (D.E.B.S, Girltrash)

Praise goddess for Angela Robinson and her ever-loving light of mercy for shining upon our hapless cast for one brief hour in Season Four, is all I can say about this one. It was fun, Papi’s rules of poker are the best rules of poker ever, Tasha and Alice meet and everybody looks very Shane today. I tend to prefer episodes that involve most of the characters convening in the same room and stories about their friendships. We found the opening phone chain so amusing that we filmed our own version of it for funsies/because we’re weird.

8. 210 – Land Ahoy

[watch]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Tricia Brock

Despite fairly consistent decency and a lack of Absolute Suckage, Season Two failed to deliver a flawless episode. It’s actually chock-full of great scenes stuck in lackluster episodes, which’s difficult for me to handle re: this Top 12. The problem with every single Season Two episode is that it inevitably involves a creepy Jenny strangewhisperyintensefeelings carnival/holocaust/sexual assault flashback/dreamscape/short story/The Mourner’s Kaddish. Also; Mark and his “rapey cameras” hang like a dark cloud all season long, but in 210 and 211, Jenny’s reaction to his revelation was some really tough but well-done stuff. Anyhow I haven’t even begun speaking about this episode! I picked Episode 210 for this list because of the cast commentary on the DVD. Real talk: Erin Daniels also hated those pants.

8. 205 – Labyrinth

[watch]

written by Burr Steers (Igby Goes Down, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) directed by Rose Troche

Unfortunately I couldn’t actually decide whether 205, 210 or 211 should be chosen as tribute to represent their season, but it’s possible 205 is slightly better than 210 (above), especially because it’s much lighter on the BETTY and it’s super-heavy on the Dana-Alice, and by heavy I mean “HOT AND HEAVY.” The serious stuff played well here too — like when Bette’s forced to get emotional comfort from Jenny of all people and it kinda works, and it’s tender and both characters grow a little from it.

7. 302 – Lost Weekend

[watch]

written by A.M. Homes (author, The Safety of Objects, The End of Alice), directed by Bille Eltringham

If I ever lost a weekend, I’d go find it. Or I’d watch “Lost Weekend” and witness Helena hosting a private intervention with Alice’s psychotic Dana-Shrine (she wasn’t even dead yet you guys), Jenny going badass with a stun-gun on the homophobes (“we’re dykes, not faggots you assholes!”) and Shane’s opportunity to explore her softer side via Quinceañera and a giant doily. Jenny’s evolving relationship with Max was still pretty compelling and not-absurdly-problematic at this point, and Dana hadn’t started dying. Also, Carmen’s sexy dance. Also, Alice’s cute bisexual love addict glasses.

6. 103 – Let’s Do It

written by Susan Miller (Anyone But Me), directed by Rose Troche

The Mission To Ascertain The Disposition and Intent of One Miss Lara Perkins. The beginning of The Chart. So everything.

5. 509 – Liquid Heat

[watch]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Rose Troche

The best part of Episode 509 is the part where everybody had sex, and the second-best part is the mafia showdown meeting between SheBar and The Planet.

4. 112 – Looking Back

written by Guinevere Turner (Go Fish), directed by Rose Troche

Watching the Dinah Shore episode will inspire you to think either “I love my lesbian friends so much!” or “I wish I had a fun group of lesbian friends!” Worth it for the flashbacks alone, honestly.

3. 101 – Pilot

teleplay by Ilene Chaiken, story by Ilene Chaiken & Kathy Greenberg & Michelle Abbott, directed by Rose Troche

If you overlook the fact that the show’s first line is, I believe, “I’m ovulating!”, the pilot will always be the ultimate L Word episode. In two well-paced hours, we meet the girls for the first time, Jenny and Marina have passionate ladysex, Bette and Tina rekindle their flame and everybody falls in love with Dana. Also I met Shane and would never be the same again.

2. 510 – Lifecycle

[watch]

written & directed by Angela Robinson

I’d argue that, outside of Season One, Episode 510 is the best overall episode of The L Word ever produced. It’s mercilessly free of ridiculous sub-plots — there’s some Adele nonsense brewing, but nothing too hard to handle — and the overall composition of the episode feels more deliberate and artistic than we usually see. Plus, so much happens in this episode, from Bette’s big reveal to Molly and Shane’s reunion to what’s probably the peak of Jenny’s romance with Nikki, replete with a hot strap-on sex scene. Also the music was good.

1. 114 – Limb From Limb

[buy]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Tony Goldwyn

This episode actually ripped my heart out of my chest, and it did so in such an authentic, honest way. Also contains one of the best sex scenes in the history of television.

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Related:

The L Word Vaults (links to recaps, episode guides, quotes, etc.)

Top Ten “L Word” Guest Stars: From Tegan & Sara to Alan Cumming

Autostraddle Presents “The L Word: WTF!!?” Video Part #2

Autostraddle Presents: “The L Word WTF?!” Video Part #1

The L Word Top Ten (okay, 15) Best Sex Scenes Of All Time

100 Pictures of Shane

Live From Australia: Ten Things I Don’t Understand About “The L Word”

As per ushe, if I’ve left out your favorite episode, be sure to comment as if I have just burned down your house and use lots of punctuation, no punctuation, and as much all-caps as possible! xoxoxo

Top 10 Queer Female Television Characters of 2012

Well, 2012 was no 2011, but it was still a pretty good year to be queer on scripted television. Look at all the ladies!

2012 saw the return of perpetual homosexy favorites such as Callie Torres & Arizona Robbins on Grey’s Anatomy, Emily Fields on Pretty Little Liars and Pam De Beaufort & Tara Thornton on True Blood.  Some of last year’s best queer characters, such as Franky Fitzgerald from Skins, got de-queered this year, and others, like Frankie Alan from Lip Service, ran away to New York City. But while Pam was looking for Eric and Callie was apparently really busy off-screen, lots of other queer ladies took center stage in 2012: we saw lots of new faces or new prominence for old faces. So, without any further ado, our expert opinion on the Top Ten Queer Ladies of Television 2012.

Top Ten Best Fictional Lesbian, Bisexual and Otherwise-Inclined Television Characters of 2012

10. Anne Juergens (Molly Ringwald), Secret Life Of the American Teenager

Because “coming out” isn’t just for young people, this year we saw a well-handled lesbian storyline in the most unlikely of places: ABC Family’s cloying moralistic prime-timesuck The Secret Life of the American Teenager. Bonus: professional player-of-lesbians Anne Ramsay, the mother of Anne’s daughter’s boyfriend, helps Molly Ringwald‘s character through her late-in-life revelation.

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9. Kalinda Sharma (Archie Panjabi), The Good Wife

During season three, we saw a lot more of Kalinda kicking ass, taking names, and banging a chick or five in her spare time. I might not watch The Good Wife just to see her in action, but every scene she’s in is just a little sexier and smarter than the others. Season four brought the unfortunate return of her dreary husband, meaning we were subjected to a whole lot of violence and semi-consensual sex. The only good that ever came of that plot line was the ice cream scene. But it’s Christmas, you know, and I come bearing good tidings of great joy. Thanks to an all-around dislike for her husband, he’ll be gone ASAP, leaving Kalinda to do her thing the way she does it best – solo. (-by Laura)

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8. Lauren Lewis (Zoie Palmer), Lost Girl

After discovering that Lauren Lewis, aka Dr Hot Pants, had a secret comatose girlfriend, Bo kicked off 2012 by dating someone who was not Lauren. It was not ideal, in fact it caused me to boycott the show for a while because I don’t support Bo and/or Lauren having intimiate relations with people who are not each other. Doccubus4lyfe, amirite. Their smokin’ hot tension picked right back up after Bo killed Lauren’s girlfriend, an event that probably would’ve been a deal-breaker for other fictional queers who are not so clearly meant to be together forever. If Bo and Lauren don’t become an official couple in 2013 then I might just die or at least go back to not watching this show for a while. (-by Crystal)

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7. Imogen Moreno, Degrassi: The Next Generation

Tied with Sophia Swanson for the “Number One Critter” award, Imogen’s discovery of her feelings for another lady and subsequent “coming out” to friends and family were perhaps the biggest non-events in the history of the queer girl television. I’ve never really fallen for Fiona Coyne, Degrassi‘s resident lez and Imogen’s now-girlfriend, but Imogen — Imogen is awesome. Well, she’s awesome now. She was significantly less awesome prior to the queer storyline — all the shit she did in attempt to snag Eli ranged from sketchy to “totally fucked up.” But that seems to be in the past and here she is now with all her passionate feelings about theater set design and her total dorkiness and cute girlfriendness and difficult family situation handled with relative grace! Adorbs.

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6. Sam Murray (Heather Peace), Tess Roberts (Fiona Button) & Lexy Price (Anna Skellern), Lip Service

Within Lip Service‘s first three episodes, Frankie fled for New York City and Cat got hit by a car and died! Although I missed Frankie dearly because Hotness, the show sans Frankie/Cat was pretty damn good, owing mostly to the star turns by previously sidelined Tess and Sam and the new sexy Australian doctor, Lexy. Out lesbian actress and musician Heather Peace worked overtime this season as Sam was thrust into emotional turmoil over Cat’s death, our recapper fell head-over-heels for Tess and Lexy injected some sorely needed common sense and doctor-hotness into the high-drama of a social group rapidly fraying at the seams. Also: sex. We’re crossing our fingers for another season — ideally a little sooner than last time.

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5. Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson), American Horror Story

American Horror Story, the weirdest creepiest most fucked-up show on television, thrust a lesbian into center stage for its second Asylum season — and cast a lesbian (Sarah Paulson) to play her and another lesbian (Clea Duvall) to play her partner, Wendy. Set in 1964, Lana Winters is an ambitious low-ranking journalist who visits the Asylum to write about the serial killer Bloodyface, but when she gets there realizes that the bigger story is the asylum’s appalling conditions and rampant abuse and corruption. But before she can make much headway on her story, she’s committed to the asylum herself to “cure” her homosexuality. Things get more f*cked up from that point forward.

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4. Sophia Swanson (Michelle Ang), Underemployed

Unfortunately for the entire world, Sophia Swanson is a kickass character stuck on a lousy show with a bunch of self-interested assholes and it’ll probably get cancelled. But fortunately, Sophia Swanson is an unexpected ray of light on an otherwise-heteronormative world — and, at least for the first few episodes, she’s positioned as the story’s narrator. Plot devices bungled by other lesbian storylines were delightfully subverted in Underemployed and for the first few episodes, she’s been granted ample screen time to grapple with her newfound sexuality, coming out to her friends and parents, and dating a woman for the first time. As the season plows forward, however, Sophia’s romantic life seems to be taking a backseat. Still though: I want to eat her face.

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3. Paige McCullers (Lindsey Shaw), Pretty Little Liars

Paige went away for a little while. And when Paige came back, Paige was mega-hot, seemingly relatively emotionally stable and self-aware, and dapper as fuck. We were lead to doubt her a few times this year, but she came out clean every time — and hats off to Lindsey Shaw for creating some genuine lesbian sexual tension with Emily Fields! We even got some Paige Backstory, which hopefully means she’s not gonna get killed in January.

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2. Betty McRae (Ali Liebert), Bomb Girls

Bomb Girls, a Canadian television series that blasted into our lives with unexpected amazingness, tells the story of the women who built bombs for the allied forces in the 1940s. Betty is the toppy-sexy-uber-dyke-lezzer-lezoholic who never met a pantsuit she didn’t like. She’s tough and smart and overall seems like the kind of girl who could fix your cabinet or save you from a shark attack without flinching. Fellow factory worker Kate is also clearly a lesbian, but also clearly in deep denial about it, as the finale suggested. It’s rare that we ever see our history on stage like this — what it was like to be a gay woman back then — and therefore the whole situation is just all-around fantastic.

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1. Santana Lopez (Naya Rivera), Glee

If what we’ve seen so far is any indication, Season Four will slowly sideline Santana Lopez into the recesses of our lesbian memories, so this might be our last chance to honor the one and only Santana Lopez, the best thing to ever happen to Glee, ever. Also: duh.

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ETA: I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy, so I asked my fellow team members if Calizona should be on the list and they told me that Grey’s sucks this year and the lesbians haven’t gotten enough screentime this season to warrant a spot. But y’all in the comments tell a very different story, like apparently, “Callie Torres had to make a life or death decision that involved the amputation of her wife’s leg! And Arizona, in turn, has had to re-learn life now as a disabled (differently abled) person. And after a long, dramatic, heart wrenching, and beautifully acted 1/2 season they are FINALLY finding their way back to each other.” That sounds pretty list-warranting to me! So, honorable mention:

Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez) & Arizona Robbins (Jessica Capshaw) – Grey’s Anatomy

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As per ushe, if your favorite character isn’t included here and you’ve got feelings about it, we encourage you to comment in all-caps using as much punctuation and self-righteous indignation as possible!

New Fall Television: The Good, The Bad, The Promising and The Stupid

Reasons I know it’s autumn:

1. The pumpkin spice latte is back at Starbucks.
2. Everything I could possibly consume now comes in optional pumpkin flavors.
3. I can wear a sweater and beanie at all times, and no longer be accused of insanity.
4. My favorite shows are returning like the Jedi. Or the King. Or whatever non-nerdy thing is known for its remarkable return.
5. New shows are premiering and making me feel like a giddy schoolgirl at the start of a crush.

When you’re done listening to Bon Iver and running around in the leaves, you should make yourself something warm and cinnamon-y and watch pretty people do pretty/funny/dramatic things on television. Here are some new and shiny faces that you should know about:+

The New Normal (NBC)

For better or for much worse, Ryan Murphy is the gay ambassador to mainstream television. His newest show tells the tale of an L.A. gay couple and the single mom they hire as a surrogate. One Million Moms has already started their trademark “why are we letting homosexuals outside where they can be seen” ruckus, which is ironic given the fact that Ellen Barkin’s character counts herself as one of them. I can’t say I’m terribly jazzed about this series. I can say that I’m pretty much not okay with it. It’s typical Ryan Murphy fare, with a whole lotta stereotyping and celebrity cameos to distract from the plot. There’s also some really shitty things said about lesbians, including the main characters referring to them as “ugly men.” Like, really Ryan Murphy? Is that fucking necessary? The one bright and shining star of this episode was Julie Goldman’s face, which reminded me that I’d rather be watching In Your Box Office. Apparently Leisha Hailey will be on the show later on in the season, but I love her so much that I want to sweep her up and carry her away before she can be a part of this Shit Train to Shitville. September 11, 9:30 PM EST.

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 The Mindy Project (FOX)

Mindy Kaling is totally adorable, guys. I love seeing female comedians do well, and I’m glad she’s finally having her moment. Sure, the Straight Girl Unfulfilled Without Boyfriend narrative is tired and a little dangerous, and maybe I can see where this show is going a little too clearly, but the jokes are pretty smart. Kaling is just the right amount of self-deprecatory, and it’s funny. It’s sad when I am shocked and amused by a comedy pilot being genuinely funny, but this managed to make me laugh, and that is no small accomplishment. There’s also enough guest appearances by SNL and The Office alums that it took me a second to realize this is broadcast on FOX and not NBC. If you like cute and funny girls who are also doctors, you should check this out. September 25, 9:30 PM EST.

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 Elementary (CBS)

Has the Sherlock Holmes narrative been exhausted yet? In the last five years, there’s been the movie series with Robert Downey Jr., the loose reinterpretation via House M.D., and that BBC show with the hobbit and the guy with the intense browline. Are we all Sherlocked out? No, I say! Because in this version, Watson is played by Lucy Liu, and if you can’t get down with that then there is just no hope for you. Gender-bending is my favorite way to remake anything – I’m still waiting with bated breath for the all-female version of The Expendables. This series’ Sherlock is fresh out of rehab, and Dr. Joan Watson is his roomie there to keep him sober. They live in Brooklyn and solve mysteries and say snarky things to each other! I’m on board. September 27, 10 PM EST.

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Partners (CBS)

Can I be the one to say this? Okay, I’m gonna be the one to say this. Do we really need another show on rich white thirty-something “sassy bottom/straight top” gay men this season? Was that necessary? Simply having a white gay man on a show, or even a show where a white gay man is one of the main characters, does not mean that we can give it a gold star for diversity and walk away happy. Here’s a show based on the lives of the creators of Will and Grace. My only feeling about it is that I’d like to see a show on a network television, comedy or drama or dramedy or I don’t even care, where a lesbian is the lead. A queer lady of any orientation, really. Let’s do this, mainstream. I know you suck at everything that isn’t patriarchy or heteronormativity, but can you just try? For me? Thanks, mainstream. September 24, 8:30 PM EST.

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Beauty and the Beast (The CW)

Beauty and the Beast is the Disney movie I most identified with as a child because I too am French and a brunette and hairy all over love to read. The CW has its own version of the fairy tale starring Kristin Kreuk and someone whose name is Kiwi Jay Ryan. I would be more behind this if they were both chicks and making out all the time, or if he was actually super ugly and beastlike instead of having a SMALL SCAR ON HIS CHEEK but you know, details. Let’s hope they do this right and don’t sell abusive relationships as romantic. Cross your fingers, kids. October 11, 9 PM EST.

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Nashville (ABC)

A soap opera about Nashville, you say? I would be cool with this show if I hadn’t seen all the promotional material, which has the main female leads in super awkward physical poses. Like look at this image up here. How freaking uncomfortable does Connie Britton look? And I’m pretty sure Hayden Panettiere’s typically short arms have been photoshopped to the approximate length of her legs and where is her head sitting on her body and nothing about her stance is human oh my god I feel disturbed. I saw posters on the NYC subway this weekend and was thoroughly creeped out by the weird angle of Connie Britton’s head as she sat on the guitar throne. Anyway, this show is about country star drama in Nashville, and since it’s a soap opera, it is probably also about kissing drama and money drama and surprise love children drama. But it’s country music, so they can write some ballads about it! October 10, 10 PM EST.

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Revolution (NBC)

Since the inability to access the Internet and thus Autostraddle is probably the worst thing we can imagine, here is a show about it. And it’s not just the Internet, it’s electricity and apparently all forms of energy that have inexplicably stopped working (??? I am by no means god’s gift to physics or science or numbers in general, but aren’t there ways to generate energy that don’t require modern technology?). This leaves the world in a post-apocalyptic state, which is very “in” right now thanks to Katniss and Co. And if you like bow and arrows, holy bajeesus this show has a ton of them! Bella Swan’s dad and a pretty lady in a leather jacket and some other people have decided to go on a quest to return the ring to Mordor and bring energy back to the planet. Then they can get back to downloading their Real L World torrents already. There are also some swords. September 17, 10 PM EST.

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Vegas (CBS)

I know. This is an image from The Matrix. Unfortunately, Vegas is not about Trinity kicking ass all over the place, but I couldn’t find any good promotional images for the show and as a website for queer ladies, I figured that the only takeaway point you need is that Carrie-Anne Moss is on this show. Otherwise all the other main characters are male, and either for or against the new sheriff in town, played by Dennis Quaid. Yawn. Carrie-Anne Moss wears green and is Carrie-Anne Moss. September 25, 10 PM EST.

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 The Carrie Diaries (The CW)

I think we’ve all spent an afternoon watching Sex and the City reruns while finishing off a tub of cheese popcorn. If the second movie didn’t turn you off the franchise entirely, The CW is reigniting your interest by creating a show about Carrie in high school. The premise of SATC was four women having sex in the city because they were of legal age to do so, so I’m not sure if this is going to become First Base and the City or Probably Statutory and the City. Midseason.

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Emily Owens, M.D. (The CW)

Emily Owens was super nerdy in high school and doesn’t like high school drama. Good thing she is now an adult who works at a hospital? Wrong! This hospital is just like Seattle Grace and full of high school drama. Sorry, Emily Owens. You’re the one who decided to work at a hospital on The CW. What did you expect, girl? Mamie Gummer, who plays Emily Owens, is Meryl Streep’s daughter FYI so maybe Meryl Streep will guest star at some point. And yet I feel like Meryl Streep is incapable of showing her face on a television show because it is too holy to be seen there. October 16, 9 PM EST.

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Made in Jersey (CBS)

Remember in Legally Blonde when no one took Reese Witherspoon seriously because she was a girly girl who wore a lot of pink? Turns out the legal world is currently not taking girls from Jersey seriously. I will probably watch this. I have a super duper soft spot for Italian-American girls and I would totally split a cannoli with the leading lady if you know what I mean. My only complaint is that her accent is super duper bad and will probably bother me for a while. Like, I’m not expecting Fran Drescher here, but I’d like to at least feel that you come from the general vicinity of the tri-state area. September 28, 9 PM EST.

Top Ten Jane Lynch Characters

In addition to consistently doing no wrong every minute of every hour of every single day, lesbian actress Jane Lynch has appeared in over 160 television shows and movies since 1988. I’m 76% sure that she appeared at least once on every single popular ’90s/early-to-mid ’00s television program, including but not limited to Friends, Dawson’s Creek, Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, Felicity, Popular, Party of Five, Third Rock From the Sun, Married… With Children, Frasier, The West Wing, Judging Amy, Cybill, Dharma & Greg, The X-Files, Boston Public, Felicity, Seventh Heaven, Caroline in the City, Monk, NYPD Blue, Arrested Development, Weeds and Desperate Housewives.

As aforementioned Jane Lynch can do no wrong. It’s a rare gift, and we’re especially grateful that Jane Lynch has got it ’cause she’s often cast into a sea of Wrong and manages to emerge Rightly unscathed — for example, Jane Lynch has a recurring role on Two and a Half Men and popped up frequently throughout The L Word‘s slow decline into feeble dispair.

Spotting The Lynch in a recent episode of Criminal Minds inspired me to look back on her life’s work and some of her most memorable roles. Please share your favorites in the comments!

Top Ten Jane Lynch Parts

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10. Joyce Wischnia, The L Word (2005-2009)

Joyce Wischnia was a breath of fresh air and a tall drink of water throughout this ill-fated series. She played the sort of classic Power Lesbian Lawyer with trademark Lynchian narcissism and ended the series in a love nest with Phyllis Kroll, a.k.a., Cybil Shepard.

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9. Diana Reid, Criminal Minds (2006-2008)

My girlfriend and I are presently addicted to Criminal Minds. I think we’re drawn to the show because it’s focused on characters with supreme intelligence who subsequently are unable to “fit in” outside of their super-special workplace, which I can relate to. Nobody else is paying attention like they are, you know? And after Penelope Garcia (played by lesbian Kristen Vangsness), Spencer Reid is the human closest-to-my-heart on this show. So just IMAGINE MY DELIGHT when Spencer went to the hospital to visit his mother and who was there, waiting for him in a salmon-colored bathroom? The Lynch, obvs. Just doing no wrong.

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8. Dorothy McWilliams, Julie & Julia

The Lynch was so good at playing Julia Child’s sister in Julie & Julia that despite the relative smallness of the role itself, she managed to generate Oscar buzz! From Entertainment Weekly: “In the course of just a few scenes, Lynch manages to bring to life all the mysterious joy and excitement of sisterhood. Indeed, when Dorothy finally crosses the pond to reunite with Julia — remember, their separation was endured without the modern pleasures of Skype or email or all that good stuff we now take for granted — their effervescent reaction is as real and delicious as the boeuf bourguignon and chocolate-almond cakes that take such prominent roles in the film.”

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7. Maggie Gallagher, 8: A Play About the Fight for Marriage Equality (2012)

The all-star cast of the reading of Dustin Lance Black‘s script about the Prop 8 trial performed live on… YouTube!  It was AWESOME.  It was extraordinarily well-cast. It starred Brad Pitt as well as Kevin Bacon, Jamie Lee Curtis, George Clooney, Chris Colfer, Martin Sheen, Matthew Morrison and George Takei,  The script was actually directly lifted from court transcripts, it was amazing to finally see what we’d read played out on screen. Jane Lynch as Maggie Gallagher, Enemy Number One? Internet Heaven. ++

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6. Constance Carmell, Party Down (2009 – 2010)

Another glorious but short-lived television program, Party Down featured Jane Lynch in its first season (she returned briefly to Season Two for her wedding). Alas, Jane Lynch became so freaking popular and busy that she had to leave the show. And then the show left us, in return.

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5. Sweeny, Role Models (2008)

They wrote this role for Jane Lynch, so it suited her pretty well. Let’s be real — I’ve not seen this movie, but I feel strongly that a role written for Jane Lynch specifically, which seems funny in the clips I’ve seen, was probably a good Jane Lynch character. Even if the movie premise itself sounds like a poorly attended douchebag convention. That’s the thing about Jane Lynch! She doesn’t need anybody else or even the script to do any work for her, she will carry the scene with dignity regardless.

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4. Jane Lynch as Jane Lynch

If there’s anything that beats a Jane Lynch character, it’s Jane Lynch as Jane Lynch. Jane Lynch as Jane Lynch at Smith College, at the DO Something Awards With Julie Goldman, hosting The Emmys, etc. Woman brings down the house every time.

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3. Sue Sylvester, Glee (2009 – present)

Another example of Jane Lynch doing no wrong while knee-deep in wrong. Sue’s done some strange shit this past season, but she’s always gets the best zingers in the history of zing, and has introduced “you call that hard?

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2. Laurie Bohner, A Mighty Wind (2003)

This mockumentary about a folk music reunion concert is SO underrated. Jane Lynch and John Michael Higgins, playing married New Main Street Singers, have awesome comedic chemistry. Tanned with frosted blonde hair, Jane’s character is a former porn star and is co-founder of Witches In Nature’s Colors, “a coven of modern-day witches that worship the power of color.”

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1. Christy Cummings, Best in Show (2000)

The lesbian dog trainer captured our hearts and never let go. This was the beginning of our obsession with Jane Lynch and we’re all still looking for the premiere copy of American Bitch, the dog magazine for women and their dogs.

Also if anybody reading this knows Jane Lynch could you ask her to do an interview with Jess for Autostraddle. We’ve been trying since 2009!

15 Queers Cooking: Anne Burrell Joins Robust Legion of Lesbian Celebrity Chefs

When Food Network’s Secrets of a Restaurant Chef star Anne Burrell‘s colleague Ted Allen mentioned meeting Burrell’s girlfriend on the “Derek and Romaine” show last week, some gasped in horror and shock — But Anne Burrell isn’t out! What has he done?

Anne Burrell herself, however, was not one of the gaspers and her shock was limited to wondering why Allen’s comment was being interpreted as an “outing.” Her publicist told The New York Post: “Anne does not feel she was outed. She has made no secret of her relationship [with a woman]. It is no secret in the culinary world.”

In The Huffington Post, SiriusXM radio host Michelangelo Signorile noted: “Chalk it up to progress that some celebrities are now embarrassed to be thought of as having been in the closet, which increasingly seems like a relic from the last century (even as it still endures mightily). More and more gay, lesbian and bisexual actors, and TV and media personalities, don’t want to be associated with the often laughable and torturous subterfuge of it.”

Signorile’s comments are similar to those I made last week when Jillian Michaels and Heidi Rhoades went public about the tiny humans they’ve recently added to their family: “Maybe this is the dawn of a new era, where stars forego the traditional “coming out” ritual for more subtle, roundabout affirmations of homosexual affiliation, and maybe this new era is one in which these kinds of announcements really aren’t a big deal anymore.” It’s been a busy few weeks for this topic, with Queen Latifah obliquely referring to the Long Island Pride audience as “her people” at her much-hyped appearance there, Raven-Symoné  confirming-by-not-confirming rumors of her relationship with AZMarie, and both Joanna Johnson and Jim Parsons coming out publicly although they both say their sexual orientation was well-known within the business.

But Burrell specifically comes from a genre that’s never lacked for lesbian representation — although queer ladies are sorely under-represented in just about every area of popular media, there’s approximately two genres via which lesbians are a’plenty: shows about working out and shows about eating. We have never lacked for a Lesbian Top Chef, that’s for sure.

So, in honor of Anne Burrell’s kinda-sorta-not-really “coming out,” let’s look at some of the other fine ladies getting gay in the kitchen!

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1. Cat Cora

Mississippi-born Cat Cora, the host of the Food Network’s Iron Chef America and co-host of Bravo’s Around the World in 80 Plates, also owns restaurants in the San Francisco and Houston airports and has four kids with her partner, Jennifer. Jennifer birthed Zoran, Caje and Thatcher, and Cat birthed Nash. For a while, Cat and Jennifer were pregnant at the same time, which was pretty f*cking cute.

Much like Burrell, Cora was never really “in” the closet, but she never really “came out,” either. When Cora spoke about her partner and family, she avoided gender-specific nouns, but then in November 2007 it’s possible some people were surprised to see her in People magazine with Jennifer, making Thanksgiving dinner for their family.

Other television appearances include judging for The Next Food Network Star, co-hosting Kitchen Accomplished, guest-hosting The Best Thing I Ever Ate and competing on Chopped All-Stars.

It’s more or less impossible to be mad at Cat Cora. She’s got a relentlessly charming Southern accent, for starters, but she’s also just all-around funny, smart, quick and clever AND is a major philanthropist. Plus, she cooks! She’s like the perfect lesbian.

It’s unsurprising, then, that Cora ranked in the 2012 Autostraddle Hot 100 and that she’s actually not wearing any pants in that picture.

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2. Jamie Lauren

Lauren was working at a restaurant in Amherst when she decided to leave the The University of Massachusetts for culinary school, eventually moving to San Francisco in 2001 with her girlfriend at the time, where she worked her way into a position as Executive Chef for Absinthe. Lauren interviewed for Top Chef‘s first season at a friend’s prompting and recalls a great interview with casting directors. By the time they called her for Top Chef‘s Fifth Season in New York, she’d totally forgotten about it but was happy to join up. To be honest, I first became aware of her existence when she started dating Elizabeth Keener, but anyway! Her face is really squeezable, and along with her relatively young age, her tattoos, her lesbianism, and her tendency to swear a lot, she seems, I guess, eminently relatable. Like I already know her, even though I don’t like, KNOW HER, know her.

Lauren told GO! Magazine: “I’m very proud to be a lesbian, but I’m a chef first, and a lesbian chef second. I’ve never had a problem as a lesbian in the kitchen, but I also live in San Francisco. It’s a very politically correct city and everyone is super liberal, so it’s a little different in this city as opposed to being in New York or a small town.”

Lauren returned to Bravo for Top Chef All-Stars, which she more or less hated. She told E! that watching the season was like “watching a trainwreck, watching them edit me to pieces. It’s really disappointing… everything was fine [in the first season]. I’m the exact same person. They managed to make me look like I didn’t want to be there, I didn’t know how to cook and all of these things. Why would they ask me back if they didn’t think I could do it?”

She’s currently cooking at Wolfslair Biergarten, which opened in January in Hollywood.

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3. Susan Feniger

Feniger, a “leading authority on Latin cuisine,” has published five cookbooks and was the last female chef standing on the second season of Top Chef Masters. That run was a rare gig for Feniger, who prefers hosting TV shows to competing on them — she co-starred (with eternal collaborator Mary Sue Milliken) in 396 episodes of the 1990s Food Network show Too Hot Tamales, appeared on Julia Freaking Child’s PBS Series Cooking With Master Chefs in 1993, and has shown up on Hell’s Kitchen and The Next Food Network Star. Feniger has opened four restaurants, most recently “Street” in 2009, a “a multi-ethnic eatery of “street food” in Hollywood.” Her partner, Liz Lachman, is a filmmaker.

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4. Anita Lo

This Chinese-American Top Chef Master grew up in Michigan and discovered her “love for French cuisine” while studying abroad in Paris to earn her French Literature degree from Columbia. She then completed her culinary education at Paris’s L’Ecole Ritz-Escoffier and currently focuses the bulk of her energy on her restaurant Annisa in New York. She also co-founded the super-successful dumpling haven Rickshaw.

Lo became known outside of the culinary world in 2005 when she appeared on the first season of Iron Chef America, during which she beat Mario Batali, making her the first challenger to win a battle on Iron Chef America and the only female to ever win until mid-Season-Two. She placed fourth of 24 in 2009’s Top Chef Masters and lost the Chopped: All-Stars Tournament in 2011.

Lo spoke to Autostraddle in January 2010 about her work with SHARE and being “one of the most vocal advocates for women” in the industry. Speaking on being a lesbian Chinese-American woman in the kitchen, Lo noted, “Perhaps it was harder to get ahead because I am a woman or Chinese – but I never really felt that my sexuality was an obstacle. Out of the three, it has definitely gotten in the way the least. I have not encountered homophobia – and the fact that I am gay has not precluded me from moving up.”+

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5. Kylie Kwong

By Crystal

Australian chef Kylie Kwong is an author, restauranteur and television presenter who began making a name for herself in the early ’90s as the head chef of Sydney’s Wockpool. With dreams of running her own restaurant, in 2000 Kylie opened the doors of Billy Kwong, which focuses on traditional Asian cuisine that is made from locally grown, organic and biodynamic produce. It also happens to be my favourite restaurant in Sydney.

Kylie went on to create two successful television shows, At Home With Kylie Kwong and My China: A Feast For All The Senses, the latter which takes Kylie on ‘an inspiring journey from the rural simplicity of her ancestral village in China’s southwest to the wilds of the Tibetan plateau and the stylish modernity of Hong Kong and Shanghai’ and is super interesting. Kylie also makes an occasional appearance as a guest chef on MasterChef Australia.

Most were unaware of Kwong’s sexual orientation until a few months ago, when she mentioned that her girlfriend of five years was pregnant.+

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6. Elizabeth Falkner

Out lesbian Falkner’s career as a chef kicked off in the early ’90s, after receiving a BFA in Fine Arts from the San Francisco Art Institute in 1989. She worked in restaurants around San Francisco, eventually heading up the pastry division at Rubicon. Falkner’s claim-to-fame is, now and forever, pastries: she opened the legendary Citizen Cake in 1997, which is well-known for its “original and creative” cake designs. She’s an exceptionally prominent, acclaimed and popular figure within the Bay Area’s culinary world.

Falkner’s TV debut was in 2006, when she was featured as a guest judge on Top Chef. In 2009, she appeared alongside fellow out lesbian chef Anita Lo for the first season of Top Chef Masters. Her television resume now includes Iron Chef America, Tyler’s Ultimate, $40 a Day, Sugar Rush, Best Of, Bay Cafe, The Next Iron Chef and Top Chef – Pastry.

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7. Ashley Merriman

Merriman grew up in New Hampshire, studied at The Institute of Culinary Education and was working at Seattle’s renowned Branizno in 2009 when she got picked up for Top Chef‘s sixth season in Las Vegas. The Stranger noted that “typecasting [for Season Six] starts early and hits hard” and that Merriman’s role was shaping up to be “The Militant Dyke,” having expressed strong feelings about same-sex marriage during a bachelor/bachelorette-party episode.

Merriman now lives in New York: “I currently live in Brooklyn with my lady, a diabolical kitty named Butcher, a dog named Baker and lots and lots of books.” She’s also really fucking cute and I want to ruffle her hair and kiss her face or something.

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8. Lynn Crawford

Crawford, a tattooed motorcycle-riding Canadian butch lesbian, has worked as Executive Chef at Four Seasons Hotels in New York City and Toronto, trained at George Brown College in Toronto and actually apprenticed for Alice F*cking Waters at some point. She’s perhaps best known as one of the rotating chefs featured on the Food Network show Restaurant Makeover and her 2007 spot at Iron Chef America, where she competed against Bobby Flay.

In 2010, Crawford created the show Pitchin’ In for Food Network Canada, which takes her “out of her comfort zone” into “the great outdoors” to like, deal with actual plants and animals and farmers and stuff. That show is still on AND she recently opened Ruby Watchoo, a table d’hôte restaurant, in Toronto. Her partner Joy Lachita is a schoolteacher and playwright.

Lynn Crawford is pretty kickass, I wouldn’t mind having dinner with her. Obviously she would cook, otherwise it’s pesto pasta for everybody!

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9. Josie Smith-Malave

For a while in the mid-to-late ’00s, I saw Josie Smith-Malave at literally every single lesbian event I attended in New York City, ever. Seriously it was weird. Anyhow, after being sidelined by a neck injury, the former New York Sharks football player decided to “[take] all that energy and transfer it to being a chef.” Smith-Malave was born in Miami, went to culinary school in New York, and was a sous chef at Brooklyn’s Marlow and Sons when she was picked for the second season of Top Chef.

She told AfterEllen that her sexuality was never an issue: “[The show’s producer’s] were very welcoming. It’s a very open-minded network. I mean, Queer Eye and everything. They’re into pushing the envelope.” But in 2007, along with her sister and a lesbian friend, Smith-Malave was reportedly attacked by “a mob of 9-12 young adults” shouting gay slurs in Sea Cliff. It was horrifying.

Now, Smith-Malave’s star continues to rise. She describes herself on the Chef Josie’s Global Soul website as “a classically trained bohemian chef, global adventurist, TV and radio personality, entrepreneurial freedom fighter, former women’s pro football player, social activist and lifestyle ambassador.”

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10. Jennifer Biesty

Season Four of Top Chef, Top Chef: Chicago, featured an actual lesbian couple forced to compete against each other — Jennifer Biesty and Zoi Antonitsas — which was either a huge unfair advantage or a semi-disadvantage, depending on who you ask. Biesty, now the Executive Chef at Scala’s Bistro in Union Square in San Francisco, was eliminated shortly after her girlfriend got the boot, but her fauxhawk lingers forevermore in our collective memories.

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11. Lisa Fernandes

Canadian Lisa Fernandes was not Top Chef Chicago‘s most popular contestant but that didn’t stop her from almost winning. “Often sparring with the other contestants and shown sporting a scowl during Judges’ Table, Fernandes became the contestant that fans loved to hate,” wrote Dorothy Snarker. Also, Fernandes returned to the season finale with a serious Alternative Lifestyle Haircut which she says was her girlfriend’s idea.

Fernandes’s Top Chef competitors included Jennifer Biesty and Zoi Antonitsas. Fernandes told AfterEllen: “…there were two other lesbians and that’s cool. Like Spike said, “Yay, lesbians!” But no secret lesbian handshakes.”

Entertainment Weekly named Fernandes as one of Top Chef’s 12 Top Villans, claiming, “…every time the camera cut to her, she was either screaming at someone or giving majorly stanky stinkface. That could have been largely editing, but forget her hostile attitude. What really irked fans was that she didn’t seem to care all that much about her work — she defended her lazy, sloppy dishes and went on a four-week run in the bottom before, bafflingly, becoming runner-up along with eventual All-Star winner Richard Blais.”

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12. Yoanne Magris

French chef Yoanne Magris owns renowned Creperie Yo In Yo Out in East Harlem and in 2010 appeared on Food Network’s Chopped series, where she was hoping to win enough money to visit her dying grandmother in France. She competed against three other female chefs (rare for Chopped) and mentioned in her opening monologue that she came to America ten years ago partially ’cause the culinary world in France was too much of a “boy’s club.”

Short of making this into a recap of Yoanne’s brief tenure on the aforementioned Food Network Series Chopped, I will just mention that it was impossible not to fall in love with this woman. She forgot to use the banana chips in the Appetizer round but her thing was so good and her personality so sweet that they let her continue, only to be eliminated in the final round.

Magris had a chance to do it again when she was invited to Chopped: Redemption, in which she was a finalist along with Lance Nitahara, a Chef at Camp of the Woods Resort in upstate New York, an extraordinarily kind man who spent a lot of time talking about G-d and prayer and faith and the strength G-d gives him. During the entree round, Magris slipped and literally poured scalding hot water all over her legs and still KEPT MAKING THE POTATOES.

It was nice when it was down to Lance and Yoanne, because they were both such good-spirited people, you know? When Yoanne was told to pack her knives and go home, Nitahara was like, “wait!” — and announced that he’d like to give his prize to Yoanne so she could go see her Grandmother. Everybody cried, and he hugged her and told the teevee that he felt blessed. It was like the cutest thing ever.

The only thing that could’ve made me feel happier inside would’ve been if Yo-In-Yo-Out had existed when I lived in East Harlem.

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13. Tiffani Faison

Bisexual Bostonion Tiffani Faison became Top Chef’s first queer lady when she was chosen for the very first season of the now-legendary program, which took place in San Francisco. She almost won, but then she didn’t win, which was probably really sad.

She later returned to Top Chef All-Stars, where she was eliminated along with lesbian chef Jamie Lauren in the sixth episode. As of 2011, Faison was running her own Texas-style barbecue restaurant in Boston, Sweet Cheeks Q, and was engaged to her girlfriend Kelly.

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14. Preeti Mistry

London-born and California-bred Preeti Mistry’s appearance on Top Chef: Las Vegas was slightly overshadowed by my crush on Ashley Merrimen. Mistry, then the Bon Appetit Management Company’s Executive Chef, now lives in San Francisco and serves up “Indian street food, snack food and a bit of homestyle cooking” for her Juhu Beach Club pop-up.

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++15. Lina Biancamano

Biancamano was raised in Arizona and studied at Le Cordon Bleu in Scottsdale before moving to Fort Worth, Texas, where she was working as Executive Pastry Chef at Stephan Pyles when picked to join the cast of 2011’s Top Chef: Just Deserts. Unfortunately, she was the first person eliminated, but at the end of the day, she’s still gay, so that’s something!

Top 10 Most Insufferable Men On Television

So I admit that I actually really like that new TV show Girls  — I don’t think it’s the voice of anybody’s generation or representative of anybody’s anything, but generally I find it relatable and amusing. However, many feel the program is offensive, irritating or otherwise problematic. But subjectively there’s only one aspect of the show that I can’t stand, and it’s the character of Adam Sackler. God I HATE THAT GUY. SIT ON A KNIFE, ADAM SACKLER, SIT ON A M*THERF*CKING KNIFE PLEASE.

The more I thought about exactly how much I hate Adam Sackler — did I, for example, hate him more or less than Mohinder? More or less than every male character ever on The L Word except James? The more I thought about exactly how much I hate Adam Sackler, the more I thought about all the other boys on television that I hated. After spending so many minutes in this dark place, I realized that as a man-hating radical feminist socialist anarchist lesbian militant, it is my duty to share this dark place with you and introduce you to the shady men who occupy it.

The 10 Most Annoying Dudes on the Television

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10. Kevin Malone on The Office

Kevin’s act was funny for the first few episodes, kinda, but as we age together as a planet and he remains about 12, I can’t fathom anyone finding his unrealistic profoundly stupid character watchable, let alone funny. I get it — you’re simple-minded and like to make strange faces! Hahahahhaha! Shut up.

9. Kevin Webster on Coronation Street

Sometimes an annoying man copulates with a nice lady and the lady becomes impregnated and consequently births a lesbian who many, many years later acquires a girlfriend and therefore attracts my attention. During my extended relationship with Corrie’s lesbo-storyline, I was constantly punched in the face by this guy. He started way more drama than any lesbian in the history of lesbians and was an unapologetic self-centered asshole to his strange and slightly irritating — though delightful in comparison to her husband — wife.

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8. Oliver Trask on The O.C.

I think Oliver’s arc signaled the end of my relationship with The O.C — Marissa’s idiotic vulnerability to his transparent wiles was too frustrating to witness, as was her disregard for Ryan’s relevant advice. Plus — ew. Just ew!

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7. House on House

Not even Olivia Wilde — you heard me, NOT EVEN OLIVIA WILDE — can make up for the presence of this misogynistic manipulative smug asshole on this show and therefore I cannot actually watch it.

6. Matty on Skins (Series 3)

Apparently not everybody felt the same way I do about Matty, the dark brooding OH-SO-COMPLICATED irresponsible emo quasi-rebel from the third cast of Skins who makes Jordan Catalano look like the best boyfriend ever. He’s one of those guys who gets away with exhibiting reckless disregard towards the emotions of other human beings because he MUST pursue the TRUTH and BEAUTY and ACHING of his OH-SO-COMPLICATED emotional state. Also, Frankie’s devotion to his inconsiderate sexiness pulled her away from the lesbian storyline we’d written for her in our minds.

5. Bill Compton on True Blood

I understood Sookie’s attraction to this cold emotionless dead hunk of man when she was still an innocent virginal nymphette, but surely she’s old enough to know better by now. Especially when she could be with Nice Eric!

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4. Finn Hudson on Glee

I debated whether or not Finn really belonged on this list, as he is only partially human — rumor has it he’s actually made out of mashed potatoes and, I believe, drywall. But how could I complain about insufferable men without complaining about Finn Hudson?

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3. Will Schuester on Glee

I sometimes hurt for poor Matthew Morrison, previously regarded as a sexy leading man on Broadway. Now his reputation has now been marred by the bizarrely irresponsible, antiquated, cliche-soaked and sexually-creepy personality developed for Will Schuster on Glee. +

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2. Adam Sackler on Girls

It’s just that I know this guy — he’s like so many guys that my female friends and I dated when we’d just moved to Manhattan from college. It’s like you’ve just gotten into the world and everyone has warned you about that world and how awful and bad it is and how mean and careless people are. So when something bad happens, like this guy, you’re like “oh, maybe this is how life is, maybe this guy is how life is.” In two years this guy has to shape up or end up alone, but there’s that middle period where he happens, and G-d I just want to spork his eyeballs into a stew of arsenic.

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1. Any Man or Half-Man in Two & A Half Men

I’ve only ever watched one episode of this show, but that was enough to cement my certainty that this guy is a first-rate misogynist waste of space. I hear Chuck Sheen’s off the show and has been replaced by Ashton Kutcher, the star of another show I hated — That 70’s Show — but I imagine it remains offensive, reductive and relentlessly popular.

Who drives you crazy?

Top 10 Santana & Brittany Glee Musical Numbers

Haven’t you ever wished that instead of being what it is, Glee was actually just a show about lesbians with no dialogue, only music videos? I sure do.+

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Top 10 Santana & Brittany Musical Numbers On Glee

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10. “I Kissed a Girl” // Katy Perry (307: I Kissed a Girl)

This episode was a shithole of death and despair, but this song gave the whole female cast an opportunity to act like lesbians, and it seems like they had a really nice time with that.

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9. “Disco Inferno” // The Tramps (316: Saturday Night Gleever)

This song is borderline unbearable, but somehow the performance manages to sizzle with sexual tension.

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8. “Run the World (Girls)” // Beyoncé (303: Asian F)

This won Brittany the election… IN YOUR PANTS.

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7. “Say A Little Prayer” // Dionne Warwick (102: Showmance)

Were we ever so young?

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6. “Songbird” // Fleetwod Mac (219: Rumours)

Technically it’s just a Santana number, but it just split your little lesbian heart open and therefore feels like a Brittany/Santana number in your heart. Your split-open heart.

Next: The Top Five!

Top Ten Fictional Female Crime-Fighters

It recently came to my attention, while trawling youtube for Det. Kate Beckett fan montages during my lunch hour, that I am addicted to any television show, movie franchise or book series that features a gun-toting badge flashing power suit-wearing female crime-fighter who hunts down baddies for a living.

Fictional female crime-fighters have become an obsession of sorts, and here are some of my favorites. I’m gonna go ahead and anticipate your protests by noting that this is a celebration of women who kick human being ass, not supernatural or extra-terrestrial ass. All you Scully and Starbuck fans should check out The 11 Hottest, Most Gun-Totingest Women of Sci-Fi or, you know, 39 pictures of Starbuck.

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Top 10 Fictional Female Crime-Fighters

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10. Detective Jane Rizzoli & Inspector Lindsay Boxer

Played by Angie Harmon in the TV series Rizzoli & Isles and The Women’s Murder Club.

Rizzoli’s talents include looking fine in tailored suits and leaping fearlessly in front of bullets to save her very special friend, Dr. Maura Isles. She enjoys sensible footwear, field hockey and putting her job before relationships with men. I’m pretty sure Rizzoli & Isles’ lesbian fan-base is the only reason this show is still on the air.

Inspector Lindsay Boxer from The Women’s Murder Club, is pretty much the same character but with different baggage and slightly better detective skills. She remained relatively kick-ass despite the fact that her show was THE WORST and didn’t live up to the novel series by James Patterson (and that bar wasn’t set overly high).

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9. DS Sam Murray

Played by Heather Peace in the TV series Lip Service.

DS Murray, one of the butchiest butches in Glasgow, didn’t exactly fight any crime during Season 1 of Lip Service. However, she does look smokin’ hot in a vest and so that’s really the reason she’s made it onto this list – detective vest hotness.

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8. Agent Ziva David

Played by Coté de Pablo in the TV series NCIS.

Ex-Mossad operative Ziva David can kill someone 18 different ways with a paperclip, which is impressive and also possibly the one thing that Olivia Benson cannot do.

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7. Officer Amelia Sachs/Donaghy

From the Jeffery Deaver novel The Bone Collector. Also played by Angelina Jolie in the film.

Patrol officer Amelia Sachs was my first full-blown police woman crush. I fell in love with her first when she was words on a page and then again when Angelina Jolie gave her a face for the screen. This is where I should probably write something about Sachs’ dedication to hunting down the Bone Collector but honestly all I can think about right now is how hot Angelina Jolie looks in uniform.

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6. PI Kinsey Millhone

From Sue Grafton’s Alphabet mystery series.

Of the female gumshoes that became popular in the 80s, Kinsey Millhone is by far one of the toughest. Kinsey went from pot-smoking delinquent to police force drop-out to private investigator who solves crimes and always seems to be on the run from the mob.

Kinsey’s a two time divorcee who wears jeans and turtlenecks exclusively, cuts her own hair with toe-nail scissors and is a little in love with her 81 year-old landlord, Henry. What’s not to like.

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5. Kalinda Sharma

Played by Archie Panjabi in the TV series The Good Wife.

Kalinda doesn’t carry a weapon or a badge, nor does she necessarily always work for ‘the good guys.’ However, every now and then her top notch investigative skills keep innocent people from going to jail which is admirable if you forget about the criminals she helps let off the hook.

Things Kalinda enjoys include wearing leather, kissing girls, kicking ass, taking names. What I’m saying is that she’s my ‘type’.

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4. Lieutenant Eve Dallas

From author J.D. Robb’s In Death series.

Dallas is a supreme badass homicide detective who cleans up the streets of New York City in the future, the year 2060. She’s a fighter who grew up on the mean streets and if you touch her candy stash or fuck with her friends she will cut you.

The great thing about Dallas is that her creator, J.D. Robb, churns out approx. 500 books per year and so you never have to wait too long for her to come back into your life.

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3. Lisbeth Salander

Played by Noomi Rapace in the Swedish Millennium film series.

If I could be a panther I’d want to be Lisbeth Salander, all dark and sleek and deadly. I didn’t know it was possible for me to feel intimidated by a fictional character until I saw Noomi Rapace’s portrayal of Lisbeth in the Swedish Millennium movies. I was in awe.

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2. Detective Kate Beckett

Played by Stana Katic in the TV series Castle.

Det. Kate Beckett solves crimes in New York City with the help of Richard Castle, a famous fictional crime novelist who is inspired by Beckett’s many talents, which include (but are not limited to) the ability to chase down bad guys and evade vicious tigers while wearing highly impractical footwear. Beckett is not only all about The Job, she’s also on a personal quest to solve her mother’s murder and it comes at the price of her personal life.

I’ve got it bad for Beckett. I enthusiastically ship her budding heteromance with Castle nonetheless because if we can’t be together, I want her to find someone who can make her happy. That’s how serious it is.

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1. Detective Olivia Benson

Played by Mariska Hargitay in the TV series Law & Order: SVU.

Every person I consulted with during the compilation of this Top 10 list asked, “Benson is gonna be #1, right?” as if there was ever a question. There is no question, not ever. Benson is #1 in my heart, in your hearts and in fictional law enforcement. Remember that time Benson was nearly raped in prison by a corrections officer and then she fought him off and asked “who’s the bitch now?” Yeah. Everyone else can take a seat.

(Although an honorable mention goes to Lt. Van Buren, who kicked ass in more episodes of Law & Order than a person can watch in one lifetime.)

So readers, who is your favorite fictional lady crime-fighter? Who did I miss? Maybe you should think on it while watching this video.

Honoring Gillian Anderson’s Newly Revealed Lady-Dating Past: Top 5 X-Files Episodes That Made Me Gay

This week, love-of-our-collective-geeky-lives Gillian Anderson opened up about her past relationships with women. In honor of this fact, we are bringing sexy back with these pivotal gayifying Scully moments. Because I guess our love wasn’t one-sided after all…

From the interview with Out:

“I was in a relationship with a girl for a long time when I was in high school, and then I was in a relationship with a punk rock drug addict who…”

Wait, a lesbian relationship? “Yeah, yeah, well it’s… You know, I’m old enough that I can talk about that,” she says, before resuming her list: “And then I was in a relationship with somebody who was way, way older than me. Everything that that kind of anarchistic attitude brings—the inappropriate behavior it leads to—was how I chose to be in the world at that time, which was, you know, not what people did.”

Much of this has been written before — how she dyed her hair purple, how she glued the school gates shut on graduation night, the drugs and alcohol — but her lesbian romance is something new. Understandably, she is wary of making a big deal of it, precisely because it is a big deal for so many people. “If I had thought I was 100% gay, would it have been a different experience for me?” she wonders. “Would it have been a bigger deal if shame had been attached to it and all those things that become huge life-altering issues for youngsters in that situation? It’s possible that my attitude around it came, on some level, from knowing that I still liked boys.”

Anderson says she has had relationships with other women, but they have been the exception, not the rule.

Back in 1994, I was but a tiny proto-geek minding my own business when the X-Files flickered onto my radar. There I was, swimming in my oversized tie-dyed T-shirt with my awkward too short bangs when my first episode  (“Darkness Falls,” I remember it well) swept me up in its weird embrace. This is how that single chunk of not-at-all explicitly queer TV set me on a course for gayhood that no amount of subsequent un-homo conditioning could possibly reverse.

It makes sense: the series followed the scifisexy adventures of Agent Scully, a certain smokin’ hot redhead with a badge. And as a young, impressionable girl, your first fine lookin’ gun-toting woman can change you in ways irrevocable. I’d suspect Scully (or perhaps actress Gillian Anderson?) captured the hearts of blossoming gay ladies the world over.

Oh yeah, and her sidekick’s cool, too. What’s his name again?

So, if the X-Files did in fact make me gay (it did), I chalk it all up to Agent Scully, the no-nonsense FBI sexbomb who I followed like a puppy through nine sometimes brilliant, occasionally faltering, but always, always homosexy seasons. (We’ll just have to forgive her for the early ’90s hair, for it knew not what it did.) As Scully doggedly searched for the truth at Mulder’s side, I unknowingly sought my own truth. And that truth was that I wanted to get in her pants. (more…)

10 Badass Yet Toxic Best Friends: TV & Film’s Hottest Troublemakers

“So I started hanging out with Rayanne Graff. Just for fun. Just cause it seemed like if I didn’t, I would die or something. Things were getting to me. Just how people are.”

– Angela Chase, My So-Called Life, Pilot

You know the type — the Bad Girls who corrupt the Good Girls. The Bad Girls who inspire the Good Girls’ Mothers to say “I don’t want you hanging out with that girl.” The best friends who “save” girls who perceive themselves to be “stuck” or “boring” by jump-starting those good girls’ little lives into free-fall.

Cigarettes are smoked, lipsticks are shoplifted, and, more often than not, lesbian kisses are exchanged. Maybe it’s because it’s hard not to fall in love with somebody who makes you feel such giant feelings, no matter what those feelings are.

I always wanted one of my own, ’cause I was a good kid who got good grades, didn’t drink or do drugs, worked a part-time job and always made it home before my fascist curfew. I wanted Rayanne Graff to tell me that my hair was holding me back, and then do something about it. Like the girls on this list, I think.

Top 10 Sidekicks Who Will Probably Get You Into Trouble, Look Good Doing It

10. Alex Nuñez (Deanna Casaluce), Degrassi: The Next Generation

Known in school as a bully and a troublemaker, Alex’s signature quote is “I don’t play well with others.” Her attitude got flipped on its head when Alex’s heart flip-flopped for Paige. But Alex was always really dark, like way darker than killing a baby harp seal.

9. Tyra Collette (Adrianne Palicki), Friday Night Lights

Julie’s Mom: “Honey, I don’t like your tone, I don’t like your sarcasm, and I really don’t understand what you see in hanging out with this [Tyra Collette] girl.”

Eventually Tyra became proof that even the Baddest Bad Influence could turn her shit around with a helping hand from Tami Taylor.

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8. Sugar (Lenora Crichlow), Sugar Rush

Even harder than having a badass best friend is having a badass best friend you want to bone. This was the case for poor Kim with respect to her fuckup friend Sugar who was always stealing things, drinking, and having casual sex (with men). Kim does get the girl-on-girl action she wants from Sugar, eventually, but Sugar can’t seem to do anything besides manipulate. The best part is that Sugar actually lands in prison and gets out early by fucking a female prison guard.

7. Edie (Mena Suvari), Six Feet Under

Claire was never a good girl, that’s for sure, but Claire gets so intoxicated by Edie and their Deep Talks About Art and hallucinogenic drugs that she actually sleeps with Edie even though Claire’s not gay and Edie is. Then Edie says, “The world’s not your own private fucking chemistry set. Just stay away from me!”, which should be printed on a sticker and distributed to straight best friends all over the world. (I love Claire though, don’t get me wrong.)

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6. Ashley Davies (Mandy Musgrave), South of Nowhere

Ashley: “I know I’m not the one you want her to be with, but I’m the one she chose.”
Spencer’s Mom: “We’ll see who she chooses. I guess the battle lines are drawn.”
Ashley: “Guess they are.”

It’s a rule of television that anybody who uses Manic Panic in earnest and wears more than three bracelets at a time is probably gonna make you skip school sometimes. This is another case of the badass best friend turning into The Girlfriend which is extra-special for the Mom that hated her even before the gay shit came up.

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5. Gia (Marla Sokoloff), Full House

Gia: “Mr. Tanner, my mom would NEVER let me have a party without adult supervision… [Mr.Tanner walks out] …which is why I didn’t tell her.”

You know when you look back on your life and think “that’s when I shoulda known I might be gay,” that’s how I feel about my lifelong imaginary affair with Malra Sokoloff, who played Stephanie Tanner’s best friend, Gia, in Full House. Sokoloff went on to corrupt multiple other youths on programs like Party of Five, Seventh Heaven and Boy Meets World. Gia peer-pressures the hell out of Stephanie during their two-season homoreotic best friendship, luring Steph to the darkside of Makeout Parties, joyriding and smoking and eventually gets into a car accident with two guys they met at the mall.

4. Evie (Nikki Reed), Thirteen

Tracy’s Mom: “Tracy was playing with Barbies before she met Evie!”

Getting one’s tongue pierced is the ultimate symbol of teenage rebellion. Then there’s drugs, drinking, threesomes, feelings, fights with Mom and so forth. Then you put all that together and you have yourself a movie.

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3. Effy (Kaya Scodelario), Skins

Effy: “Pandora, why are we friends? Do you ever wonder?”
Pandora: “Well, that’s super easy. You’re my pal because you’re the coolest ever, and I’m yours because I’ll totally do anything you say and none of your boyfriends ever want to surf me cos I’m useless.”
Effy: “That’s it?”
Pandora: “Yeah.”

Skins could be described as a show about self-destructive kids and the normal kids transformed into self-destructive kids by the self-destructive kids. But in Season Two, Effy didn’t even have to talk to get her and her friends into trouble.

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2. Legs (Angelina Jolie), Foxfire

Remember that time Legs walked into your school even though she didn’t even go there, and then empowered this whole group of shat-upon misfits into creating a homoerotic fire-cult?  That was awesome.

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1. Rayanne Graff (AJ Langer), My So-Called Life

Angela’s Mom: “All right, I admit it. I don’t like her. I don’t think that she’s the right friend for you.”

Rayanne defines this trope, and she’s alluring because she acts like she doesn’t care, ever. So for people who care a lot, like Angela Chase, someone so Devil-May-Care is just fascinating. Because you never know what could happen next. She might even break your heart!

Who was your favorite bad influence?

Five 90s Shows I Recreated in My Basement

My sisters are both within two years of me and we had one thing in common during our younger years: we were all idiots. Often left to our own devices, we would create our own versions of the shows we saw on television. Somehow, none of us ever broke anything.

TRL

This was actually a solo act. For a year I went to a different school than my sisters and this is when I honed my superior karaoke talents. I jumped off of tables while singing Limp Bizkit with a tenacity that would frighten any Juvenile Corrections Officer. At ten, “Changes” by 2Pac was my favorite song. This probably says all you need to know about me. I later used the art of gliding across surfaces to slide naked across the Women’s Table at Yale. LIFE SKILLS.

GUTS

Hosted by Kurt’s dad and some lady with an accent named Mo, this show helped us transition from making decisions based on what color uniform we liked best to pinpointing the weakest competitor and wondering why that kid got to be on the show and we didn’t. The event we usually recreated with our meager resources was only the best obstacle of any show ever in the history of game shows, THE FUCKING AGGRO CRAG. The lights went off, someone got a harness-like device tied around them, then over obstacles and up the couch they went. All while being pelted with balls, pillows, and whatever else we had lying around.

Power Rangers

I suppose this just gave us a reason to fight BUT it was excellent self-defense training. Of course my sisters claimed the two female power rangers and I not at all begrudgingly was the black Black Ranger. Don’t worry. The weird social implications that went along with that show were not lost on us, even then.

American Gladiators

The Gauntlet wasn’t too hard to pull off. Grab some pillows and dare each other to run from point A to point B without being demolished. Joust was easily and dangerously recreated with any stick-like objects we had lying around plus a couple of chairs. Obviously if we had it our way, we would have had the Assault arena in our backyard.

Slamball

Slamball actually aired in the early 00’s so I immediately regret admitting that things of this nature were still transpiring into my junior high years but what are you gonna do, ya know. Teenagers have a lot of energy. Naturally, we used couch cushions as “trampolines”/slippery death pillows. At this point we were pretty tall and the ceiling was…not so you can use your imagination to figure out how this sometimes turned out.

What were your favorite shows to recreate? Did you ever have a crush on Carson Daly (please say no)? How much do you miss Legends of the Hidden Temple?

Top Ten “L Word” Guest Stars: From Tegan & Sara to Alan Cumming

Over the course of its hackneyed six-year run, The L Word attracted a bizarre assortment of guest stars and cameos, drawing equally from the standard pool of lesbian icons and an ocean of rest-of-the-world celebrities. The show also had a knack for sticking these guests in the weirdest parts of the weirdest episodes, ever.

For all its failures, The L Word rocked at casting, especially casting bit parts — Rosanna Arquette as Cherie Jaffe, Devon Gummersal/Brian Krakow as Lisa the Male Lesbian, Clementine Ford as Molly, Guinevere Turner as Gaby Devoux, Kristanna Loken as Paige, Ossie Davis as Bette’s father, Holland Taylor as Peggy Peabody, Elizabeth Keener as Dawn Denbo, Kelly Lynch as Ivan and on and on. But what was really special and funny is when they picked the guest/actor first, and the role second. Then we got a big heaping serving of L Word Rando-Pie, and it was totally delicious.

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Top Ten Terrible/AWESOME L Word Guest Stars

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10. Camryn Manheim as Veronica Bloom

She had us at “What do you dress like? Are you the poster child for the under-nourished and gender confused?”

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9. Melissa Rivers as Melissa Rivers

Based on everything you knew about character development, you’d predicted that Dana’s dumping of Tanya would be a big scene, but thanks to this weirdo, Tanya flew off into the sunset, leaving Alice and Dana alone with their dildos and then cancer!

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8. Tammy Lynn Michaels as Lacey Hardaway

“Honey, you have a lot of feelings.”
– Shane, to Lacey (this phrase is now a permanent part of the lesbian lexicon)

Art imitates life? Life imitates art? The L Word predicts the future? Tammy Lynn was a stroke of genius casting, but only a psychic could’ve seen that Tammy Lynn herself would one day embody the spurned lover in real life after her breakup with Melissa Etheridge.

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7. Tegan & Sara as Tegan & Sara

In between shots of Team Camparoo trodding through a Cabela’s-esque life-sized diorama of “the forest,” the girls shared memories of their recently-departed buddy, Dana Fairbanks. This one was the best ’cause if you were tripping and heartbroken with Shane at a Tegan & Sara concert, you might hallucinate the very same thing she did that fateful night.

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6. Lucy Lawless as Sgt. Marybeth Duffy

Lucy Lawless’s casting was ingenious and strategic. Lawless appeared in the pre-season-six teaser and, obviously, in the last episode of Season Six and ensuing “Interrogation Tapes” because Ilene knew that without Xena the Warrior Princess all up in our television screen, we’d want to stab the television with a knife.

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5. Gloria Steinem as Gloria Steinem

So — randomly, Gloria Steinem and Papa Bette are BFFs, so when he dies, she shows up at the funeral like a pro. However, the icing on this cake of random occurs at the reception, with none other than EZ Girl badgering Gloria to fuck her just so she won’t be “missing out.” What ensues is a bizarre interlude about feminism and lesbianism, how all feminists aren’t lesbians, and — THANKS JENNY! — that apparently all lesbians aren’t feminists! Throw in some bisexual wisdom (“I follow the heart, not the anatomy” -Alice) and a brief convo regarding whether or not we were born this way, and we have an L Word signature cameo — so weird, so random, so undeniably awesome nevertheless.

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4. Ariana Huffington as Ariana Huffington

Dana: “You’re doing Ariana Huffington? She’s 50, Shane.”
Shane: “Her HAIR.”

Arriana Huffington came across as a sort of  fancy business-appropriate oracle, penetrating Shane’s emotional fortress with her cavalierly business-inappropriate rando conversation.

Arianna: “I like what you’re wearing. Who do you dress for?”
Shane: “Um–uh — myself? The girlies sometimes but mostly me.”
Arianna: “So you’re gay?
Shane: “Totally, yes.”
Arianna: “You know, I was at a dinner the other night and somebody said that dykes are the new fags. What do you think about that?”
Shane: “I think people like to categorize things too much… so, what’s your book about?”
Ariana: “This country, politics, my ideas about how to make the world better — what about you Shane, what do you want?”
Shane: “Wow uh– I hadn’t really thought about it.”
Arianna: “What about love?”
Shane: “No, love’s a bitch. i’d rather just have a good time and move on.”

Enter Carmen.

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3. Alan Cumming as Billy Blakey

First, his storyline involves cocaine, so we automatically like it. Secondly, everything about him was so deliciously over-the-top. Remember when Max fucked him at The Planet?

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2. Sandra Bernhard as Charlotte Birch

This bitch delivered the cold hard truth to Jenny — that her writing was fucking stupid. The guest role was good but the interview she did about it, along with Leisha Hailey and Kate Moennig, might even be better.

Sandra: “Listen if I had my druthers, I’d come in and I’d tear that thing from head to toe, shambles, I’d shred the whole thing and start from scratch..”
Kate: “I wish you would.”
Sandra: “…those girls from Betty would be back in New York begging on the streets, those losers, that coke whore, Jesus!… I love you girls you’re super-talented, you should not be forced to have to recite dialogue like that…. Ilene Chaiken should be taken out and flogged and beaten.”

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1. Snoop Doggy Dog as Slim Daddy

Slim Daddy: “I respect that she’s your woman… I guess I’ll dream about the two of you.”

Like what the fuck, how did they get somebody so relevant onto this show before it had even become a thing? Comedic gold, his whole situation and all those girls visiting the set. Alice in her sideways hat. Jesus Christ them were the DAYS.

What were your favorites?

Winter 2012 Teevee Preview: Nine Shows You Might Like

If you live on the East Coast of the United States of America then it’s probably really cold. Honestly, I suggest that you read a book or an essay or something. But if you’re too drunk to do that, then good news! That box in the corner is chock-full of winter entertainment for you and yours to feast on all winter long, even if you live on the West Coast, like I do.

 Winter 2012 Television Guide

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Smash (NBC) – NEW

Mondays at 10pm, starts Feb 6

Smash is, without a doubt, the most hotly anticipated show of the winter season. Everyone will be tempted to compare it to Glee, because there’s music in it, but when Steven Spielberg pitched this show to Robert Greenblatt in 2009 (Greenblatt was president of Showtime at the time), he cited The West Wing and Upstairs, Downstairs as primary inspirations for the “romantic-dramedy musical soap opera.”

Greenblatt is at NBC now, and so is Smash. The show’s context is the creation, casting and production of a new Broadway Musical about Marilyn Monroe and stars include Debra Messing and Katherine McPhee. You’ll find serious Broadway muscle behind-the-scenes of the show about a show, such as playwright Theresa Rebeck, director Michael Mayer, and songwriters Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman.

My Special Hollywood Connection Actress Friend read the pilot of Smash last year and said “the pilot script is one of the best I’ve ever read.”  NBC has a lot riding on this — the pilot alone cost $7.5 million dollars to produce.

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The Lying Game (ABC Family) – Season One

Mondays at 9pm, starts Jan 2nd

I have no idea why I’m obsessed with this show, it happened overnight and now I love it like I’d love my stepsister if I had a stepsister. The first ten episodes aired last fall, and the next set began last night. If you’re a big fan of mistaken identity situations, dark secrets, that creepy politician guy from Heroes, pretty girls who always dress up for school, twins and Lies, then you’ll definitely enjoy The Lying Game. Actually you don’t have to be a fan of that creepy politician guy from Heroes to like this show, and I’m speaking from experience obviously. It’s all part of ABC Family’s Night of Lies! Which brings me to…

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Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family) – Season Three

Mondays at 8pm, started Jan 2nd

Pretty Little Liars returns for a third season in which we still don’t have any clue who the fuck A. is. Lesbian Emily and/or Non-Lesbian Spencer will excite you. Spencer has that tough/smart thing lesians always go for, you know?

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Alcatraz (Fox) – NEW

Mondays at 9pm, starts Jan 16th

J.J Abrams brought you Lost and now he’s bringing you Alcatraz, a teevee show about two hot women dressed like Alpha Dapper Motherfuckers and a bunch of guys in suits. The premise is that when Alcatraz was shuttered in 1963, its prisoners weren’t transferred off the island, as we all believed, but rather had ALREADY ESCAPED! In fact, the two officers who showed up to collect the prisoners that day found it deserted. One prisoner has already resurfaced, and the hunt is on for: how this happened in the first place, that one prisoner, all the other prisoners. It stars Jorge Garcia, Sarah Jones, Parminder Nagra, Robert Forster and Sam Neill.

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Are You There, Chelsea? (NBC) – NEW!

Wednesdays at 8:30, starts Jan 11th

Fans of comedian Chelsea Handler will enjoy this sitcom, which is based on the words, thoughts and feelings of Chelsea Handler, starring that girl from That 70’s Show, a show which I admit I personally found unbearable. But ain’t she a tall drink of water!

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Portlandia (IFC) – Season Two

Fridays at 10 pm, starts January 6

In the second season premiere of Fred Armisen  and Carrie Brownstein‘s Portlandia, a “dreamy and absurd rendering of Portland, Oregon,” Doug and Claire become addicted to Battlestar Galactica. A sneak peek is already available online! It’s your lucky lucky day!

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Skins (e4) – Series 6

January 23rd in a different country

Many of us are a bit stressed about the potential erasure of genderqueer pansexual Franky‘s genderqueer pansexuality that’s been hinted at by the show’s actors and preview. But you know, it’s still Skins, so it’ll hopefully remain hella queer and totally outrageous.

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Napolean Dynamite (FOX) – NEW!

Sunday, January 15th, 8:30-9

If you liked the movie, you may or may not like its animated counterpart!

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House of Lies (Showtime) – NEW!

Sunday January 8th at 10pm

If you’re half as obsessed with Veronica Mars as my girlfriend is, you’re gonna love “House of Lies” because she’s in it. It’s a show about rich people using sex and lies to make money, so basically it’s like The West Wing of 2012.

What will you be watching this winter?

Top 10 Fictional Lesbian, Bisexual and Otherwise-Inclined Ladies of 2011

This was a big year for imaginary lesbians! I’m working on a piece about my Lesbian Executive Opinion of 2011’s Lesbians on Television and I’m sure you’re on the edge of your seat waiting for that to debut.

But in the meantime, I constructed this list! So what I did was I asked you for your favorites (on tumblr/twitter), tallied those, mixed in a generous scoop of my own personal opinion (which is that if you’d already seen Pariah, you would’ve voted for Alike), added two cups of sugar and a teaspoon of vanilla and a pound of cream of tartar, and this is what came out:

[Sidenote – Per usual, if you want to share your feelings of utter outrage and disappointment in us for not selecting or accurately ranking your personal favorite for this list, do so with as much punctuation and hyperbole as possible]

10. Brittany S. Pierce, Glee

“Honey, if anyone were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words.”

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9. Kalinda Sharma, The Good Wife

“You and I have nothing in common. ‘Cause you and I are from different worlds. And it’s not just Mars and Venus. It’s spaghetti and hydrogen. We’re just different categories. I’m knowable, but just not to you.”

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8. Fiona, Degrassi: The Next Generation

“Don’t worry, I’ll get over you, you’re not that awesome.”

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7. Kate Kane/Batwoman, Batwoman #4

“I’m a goddamn soldier.”

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5. Franky Fitzgerald, Skins

“I tried today and now I feel kind of less like me, and I’m not exactly over the moon about being me in the first place, but now I think I kinda like it less when I’m trying NOT to be me. Because I just wanna like, be.”

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4. Emily Fields, Pretty Little Liars

“We swim on the same team.”

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3. Lisbeth Salander, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

“Everyone has secrets.”

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2. Alike, Pariah: The Movie

“Breaking is opening, and I am broken. I am open.”

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1. Santana Lopez, Glee

“The only straight I am is straight-up bitch.”

Despite Ryan Murphy’s best efforts, nothing can kill your burning hot love for Santana Fucking Lopez. Let’s do that in video:

Top 10 Rad TV Shows Unceremoniously Cancelled In The Mid 90s

Somewhere in the early-to-mid-90s my parents’ reign of oppressive television censorship ended and I was at last allowed to actually watch the television shows I read about in the Sunday Times and Entertainment Weekly. (Rarely do I watch a show without reading about it first.) Furthermore, due to a series of tragically unfortunate personal life events between ’93 and ’95, I spent a lot of time during those years lying on the couch wishing I was somebody else.

And there was the television set, right in front of me! I have never, before or since, cared about as many TV shows as I did then.

Every Wednesday, in USA Today’s “Life” section (which was, oddly enough, not ever about life, but about on-screen adaptations of life), the Nielsen ratings were published, which is why I begged my Mom to get us a subscription to the not-so-revered daily paper and she eventually agreed. The Nielsen ratings were incredibly important to me because — and I’m sure this’ll shock your socks right off your feet — the shows I liked were always at risk of cancellation and the shows I hated seemed like they’d never end! I learned early that everything good gets cancelled and The Real L Word will never end.

Lots of popular shows ended their runs in ’94 and ’95, but today we will focus on those that NEVER EVEN GOT STARTED! Shows that were never given a chance to shine! Let me share my abandonment issues with you in hopes you remember at least one of these shows so their spirit LIVES ON. Honestly if just one of you remembers Thea, I’ll probably do a celebration dance of some kind in my room.

Top Ten TV Shows Prematurely Cancelled in the Mid-’90s

[in no particular order]

10. Thea

(ABC, 1993 -1994, 19 episodes)

Thea was the first sitcom named after an African-American female comedian (Thea Turrell) and was the first show to feature Brandy Norwood, who went on to become a big bright shining star. My primary memory of this show  is that Thea yelled at her kids a lot but it was way funnier than when Moms yelled at their kids in real life.

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9. The Cosby Mysteries

(NBC, 1994-1995, 20 episodes)

Bill Cosby starred as a New York City criminalist who won the lottery and quit the force, but keeps getting roped in to solve additional crimes with his old partner. Also starring Mos Def and Rita Moreno. That’s a formula for a hit if I ever heard one but apparently America disagreed.

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8. All-American Girl

(ABC, 1994-1995, 19 episodes)

Margaret Cho became the lead of the first sitcom ever about an Asian-American family. Anyone who has heard Cho’s stand-up knows now that the producers made her basically starve to death in order to be “TV-ready.” The Grandma, who I’m sure fits into a damaging stereotype of some kind, was my favorite. BD Wong was my second favorite.

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7. Christy

(CBS, 1994-1995, 21 episodes)

This show combined many of my favorite things: the prairie, Kellie Martin, and Women Making it For Themselves. Apparently it had some religious undertones but I think I had a crush on Kellie Martin and didn’t care.

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6. The Critic

(ABC, 1994, 13 episodes) (Fox, 1995, 10 episodes)

This show became a bit of a cult hit via syndication long after its initial run. I remember a joke we repeated a lot about silverware being on the ceiling.  The movie review parts were boring, but it made me LOL about 300x more than Futurama ever did.

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5. Me and the Boys

(ABC, 1994-1995, 19 episodes)

Before Steve Harvey became the problematic pusher of the idea that smart, successful black women need to lower their standards or else die miserably alone, he had a sitcom called Me and the Boys which nobody I knew liked except ME. Usually Steve Harvey was disciplining his rascally offspring, which as aforementioned is one of my favorite tropes.

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4. Dinosaurs

(ABC, 4 seasons/65 episodes, 1991 – 1994)

Dinosaurs was the first sitcom my brother and I were allowed to watch, because it starred muppets, I believe, was created by Jim Henson just before he died, and was also actually a really smart show with lots of secret social commentary. It was cancelled for mysterious reasons and then all the dinosaurs went extinct.

Even though this apparently lasted for four seasons, I seem to remember it being cancelled out of the blue in a way that really hit me over the head with a frying pan!

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3. South Central

(Fox, 1994, 10 episodes)

Going into the Spring 1994 television season, South Central was exceedingly revered as the year’s best new show. Focused on an African-American single Mom and her three children living in South Central Los Angeles, the show starred Larenz Tate (who I had a crush on) and tackled issues like drugs, gang violence, welfare, divorce, absentee fathers, unemployment, teen sex, etc. Due to low ratings on Tuesday nights, Fox went ahead and cancelled its entire Tuesday night lineup, which included Roc, The Sinbad Show (which I also liked) and In Living Color (which I wasn’t allowed to watch). Then Jesse Jackson wanted everyone to boycott Fox for institutional racism and Fox was like NUH-UH. Ralph Farquhar, the show’s creator, went on to “make it” with his next sitcom, Moesha. It was less “gritty.” “Throughout my entire career I’ve only had one goal, one motivation,” he told The New York Times. “To bring an honest portrayal to the life I live to the screen: to the small screen.”

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2. Thunder Alley

(ABC, 1994-1995, 27 episodes)

Before Haley Joel Osment saw dead people and Tao Lin, he saw Ed Asner. I was a sucker for anything with an adorable sassy child in it, such as Full House, Boy Meets World, The Cosby Show, Hangin’ With Mr.Cooper and Thunder Alley.

1. My So-Called Life

(ABC, 1994-1995, 19 episodes)

Do I even have to say it. What this show means to us!?!

Autostraddle’s Fall Television Guide: All The New Girls

It’s fall and you know what that means! Weeks upon weeks of America’s Got Talent, Criminal Minds re-runs, Storage Wars and Hoarding: Buried Alive have come to an end. In their place we’ll all be watching a bountiful roster of returning programs we love: Modern Family, The Office, Pretty Little Liars, Glee, How I Met Your Mother, Extreme Couponing and so forth.

BUT! In addition to our old favorites, the world is gifting us a massive truckload of brand-spanking-new shows! According to an issue of Glamour I read in a waiting room yesterday, the majority of this year’s new programming is female-centric. This is fantastic, because as the lesbian theme of this website implies, we hate men. That being said, it seems like a majority of this year’s programming is relying on gender tropes and “men are from mars/women are from venus” cliches to delight and enliven their audience, which I feel negatively about, though I imagine less psychologically burdened people may not feel the same.

So I’ve chosen a few shows that I think you probably are considering watching — but first, let’s answer that question heavy on everybody’s mind:

Where Are The Queer Girls?

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Santana (L) and Brittany (B), Glee

Fox, Sep. 20, 8 pm

 

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Kalinda Sharma (B), The Good Wife

CBS, Sep.25, 9 pm

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Alice (L), The Playboy Club

NBC, Sep.19, 10 pm

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Callie (B) and Arizona (L), Grey’s Anatomy

ABC, September 22, 9 pm

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Kayla (L), America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars

The CW, Sep 14, 9 pm

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Emily (L) and Maya (L), Pretty Little Liars

ABC Family, Oct. 12th, 9pm

New Fall Shows Relevant To Your Interests

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The Secret Circle

Thu. Sep 15, 9 p.m. EST (CW)

The Secret Circle is yet another supernatural thriller about teenagers, my favorite! This time, the topic is Witches. 16-year-old Cassie (Britt Robertson) becomes an orphan when her Mom dies in a fire, and promptly moves to her dead mother’s hometown. It is here that she is informed that she’s a witch. There are lots of witches, bitches. You should watch this extended trailer (embedding disabled). Oh and — Brian Kinney stars as an evil parent!

Verdict:

Up All Night

Wed. Sept 14, 10 p.m. EST (NBC)

Here’s why you’re gonna be into this:

+ Gob

+ Maya Rudolph

Christina Applegate is pretty easy on the eyes as well, although she’s always Kelly Bundy to me:

So basically Christina Applegate‘s character Reagan Brinkley has a good career and is the “life of the party.” Also, she has a baby! A REAL LIVE BABY PERSON! Luckily, she’s got a stay-at-home-husband, played by Gob. If only Gob could find the cheese in the store! What a goof! What will happen as the duo face the challenges of BABY-REARING? Will Reagan have to “compromise her career or cool reputation to the cliches of motherhood?” I’m on the edge of my seat waiting to find out!

Verdict:

 

2 Broke Girls

Mon. Sept 19, 9:30 p.m. EST (CBS)

“Sassy, streetwise Max Black works two jobs just to get by, one of which is waiting tables during the night shift at the retro-hip Williamsburg Diner. Sophisticated Caroline Channing is an uptown trust fund princess who’s having a run of bad luck that forces her to reluctantly give waitressing a shot. At first, Max sees Caroline as yet another in a long line of inept servers she must cover for, but she’s surprised to find that Caroline has as much substance as she does style.”

From this four-minute preview and the fact that the title uses the numeral “2” instead of the word “two,” I already totally hate this show which is allegedly about waitresses who live in Williamsmburg, Brooklyn. As a former waitress who lived in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, I feel viewing this show would be redundant. Furthermore, it’s possibly racist.

Other characters include “Oleg, an overly flirtatious Russian cook,” “Earl, a 75-year-old kool-kat cashier,” “Han Lee, the new, eager-to-please owner of the diner” and “Abdul Mohammed, the uptight manager of the 7-11 next door.” Just kidding about that last one, I made it up. I was just running with the theme.

Verdict:

Next: The Playboy Club, Unforgettable, H8R and MORE!

Top 10 Quotes from ‘Designing Women’

[ buy every Designing Women DVD ever ]

10. Suzanne: What’s the big deal about sex. I mean, people talk about it as if it’s the be-all and end-all of existence and I just don’t get it. I mean, we’re talking about what, 6 or 7 seconds here? And it’s OK but it’s not as good as having someone put a crown on your head or shopping.

9. Suzanne: Where are our seats?
Julia: I don’t know. If history teaches us anything, mine will be next to a baby who smokes.

8. Charlene: We’re talkin’ about a millionaire who spends his weekends with under-privileged kids. I mean, we’re talkin’ about a Phi Beta Kappa from Vanderbilt who still knows why Hee-Haw is funny. I mean, men like that are just not walking the streets.
Suzanne: Well, that’s good. Because men like that would be bumping into each other.

7. Julia: If you must know, Charlene, I’m at a keg party.

6. Julia: I’m saying I want you and your equipment out of here now. If you are looking for somebody to suck pearls, then I suggest you try finding yourself an oyster. Because I am not a woman who does that, as a matter of fact, I don’t know any woman who does that, because it’s stupid. And it doesn’t have any more to do with decorating than having cleavage and looking sexy has to do with working in a bank. These are not pictures about the women of Atlanta. These are about just the same thing they’re always about. And it doesn’t matter whether the clothes are on or off… it’s just the same ol’ message. And I don’t care how many pictures you’ve taken of movie stars — when you start snapping photos of serious, successful businessmen like Donald Trump and Lee Iacocca in unzipped jumpsuits with wet lips, straddling chairs, then we’ll talk.

5. Suzanne: It’s been my experience, Julia, that no matter where you go…there you are.

4. Publisher: Actually, I’m a feminist, and I and my magazine make large contributions to feminist charities.
Suzanne: Yeah, well I donate to the ASPCA, but that doesn’t make me a cat!

3. Julia: I’m saying this is the South. And we’re proud of our crazy people. We don’t hide them up in the attic. We bring ’em right down to the living room and show ’em off. See, Phyllis, no one in the South ever asks if you have crazy people in your family. They just ask what side they’re on.
Phyllis: Oh? And which side are yours on Mrs. Sugarbaker?
Julia: Both.

2. Suzanne: I have better things to do with my time than sitting around waiting for some concubine to fall outta bed. I mean, I could be home watching Green Acres.

1.

Tell me which quotes I missed in the comments!

25 TV Shows You Should Watch on DVD: Our Favorite Marathon-Worthy Series

It’s summer and there’s a massive heat wave and chances are when you’re not at work, you’re going to be somewhere else with air conditioning. And perhaps also a television set and more importantly, a DVD player.

See,  having cable is all well and good, but who wants to wait up to seven full days to see the next show in their favorite television series? Who has that kind of time and patience? We prefer dedicating one solid sleepless weekend to watching the whole run on DVD — even the ones we’ve already seen before. At the end of the weekend you usually feel like the cast of Bones knows you better than you know yourself and it can be a bit of an effort to integrate yourself back into society. But it’s well worth it.

Here are some of Team Autostraddle’s favorite TV series to watch on DVD!

GOLDEN GIRLS

STEF, CONTRIBUTOR

Golden Girls has been a part of my life since before I was old enough to understand the jokes. I have early memories of watching the Season 4 episode where Blanche considers breast implants at my grandmother’s house when it originally aired in 1989…I would have been five. Obviously it took a little while for the show to catch on, and I didn’t REALLY get into it until I was a freshman in college. My friends and I would have what we called “ladies’ nights,” where about nine of us would regularly cease homework at about 10:45, head up to the dorm room of our one friend with a working television, watch an hour of uproarious Golden Girls reruns, then immediately return to our studies.

Golden Girls has always resonated with me because it isn’t just a show about senior citizens – it’s a show about four close friends who experience personal tragedies, relationship drama, insecurities, political issues and other things that affect women of any age. Although the first few seasons have their after school special moments, the show later managed to touch on a variety of topics including Alzheimer’s, HIV, assisted suicide, teen pregnancy, nuclear war, sexual harassment, homosexuality, artificial insemination, drug addiction and aliens – all while maintaining a sharp sense of humor and an earnestness that never felt overly cheesy. Also, I have NEVER seen women this age speak so frankly about sex; I have a barely-realized dream of one day having a Dorothy and Sophia-style uncensored relationship with my own mother some day. A sexually confident character like Blanche was revolutionary and important for women of the 80s – I mean, let’s be real; without Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia, there would have been no Sex and the City and THEN WHAT?!?! I’ve always loved how sometimes they’ll use an actor in a few different roles and hope nobody will notice, and the way Dorothy’s ex-husband Stan Zbornak always introduced himself by saying “Hi, it’s me, Stan!” as though they needed reminding. Begin a story with either “Back in St Olaf…” or “Picture it! Sicily, 1934…” and I promise, I will listen.

For what it’s worth, here is a Sophia quote from the episode where Dorothy’s friend Jean develops a crush on Rose: “Jean likes girls instead of boys – some people prefer cats instead of dogs. I’d rather live with a lesbian than a cat.” I would also like to point out that the 25th Anniversary Special Edition DVD comes IN SOPHIA’S PURSE.

30 ROCK

CARLY, CONTRIBUTOR

Recently I was trying to list the things in my life that have had a profound impact on me creatively. Most are from my childhood (Bill Watterson’s Calvin & Hobbes, Jim Henson’s Muppets, the films of Christopher Guest, Charles Schulz’s Peanuts and Joss Whedon’s Buffy series spring to mind immediately) but the most recent addition to this list is Tina Fey and her brilliant series 30 Rock. I know it’s not particularly unique or interesting to even claim this as an influence anymore – I’m a muppet-esque 29-year-old female after all – but when I think about recent pop culture affecting me nothing stands out as much as 30 Rock.

I have been watching 30 Rock on NBC since it began airing in 2006, but the show didn’t become the giant force it is for me until repeat viewings on Hulu and eventually on DVD. For the better part of 2011, I’ve fallen asleep to 30 Rock DVDs every single night, and while I don’t think it’s necessarily bringing me any closer to Tina Fey brilliance in my professional life, it’s making me a far happier person in my personal life. There is something so madcap, ridiculous, absurdist and somehow still human about the series, and now that I have the DVDs I’ve begun studying the show; the nuances of the characters, the commentary from the cast and crew, the outtakes. I’m a huge tv nerd and repeated DVD viewing is very commonplace for my favorite series, it’s like a companion to viewing the show week-to-week.

Get a copy of Season One, Season Two, Season Three, Season Four or Season Five at Amazon.

Another show that I adore is Summer Heights High, but unlike 30 Rock, I didn’t discover this one until years after it aired in the US on HBO. My roommate at the time had the DVD and after watching it with her I ordered myself a copy as well. Much like 30 Rock (and Newsradio, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Parks and Rec, and seasons 2-4 of the US Office) I can watch SHH over and over again and it never gets old. If you haven’t seen it do yourself a favor and get a copy of the DVDs immediately. There are only 8 episodes so it’s a quick viewing.

FAMILY GUY & SQUIDBILLIES

JULIE AND BRANDY, THE TALENT

What do you do when living in LA has made you hate actors, acting, and the television industry?

You watch CARTOONS! Subversive, hilarious, inappropriate, adorable cartoons. And you watch them over and over. On DVD. The best thing about cartoons is that they can go on forever and no one ever changes! The kids never grow up, the parents never get old, and the old people never die. Imagine a world where the Olsen twins stayed babies (with red hair!) forever and Kimmy Gibler was always your annoying neighbor.

FAMILY GUY is on it’s 9th season and still going strong. It’s getting funnier with each passing year and creator Seth MacFarlane shows no signs of slowing down. Family Guy is genius to watch on DVD because the shows (and the jokes) are independent of each other and do not need to be watched in sequential order (unlike shows like Arrested Development where much of the comedy is built on inside jokes from previous episodes and if you miss one you feel like you’re out of the loop). And after you get hooked on Family Guy, you’re gonna want to revisit your favorite episodes again and again and again and again. (We have watched the episode where Peter turns gay at least 67 times. Literally.) Your obsession will start with Stewie, the snarky, gay baby with a pseudo-british accent, but it won’t take you long to fall in love with Peter, the dumb-butt father, and all the other characters. Even the 97 year old, pedophile neighbor who always tries to lure boys into his house will become one of your favorites. HE’S SO FREAKIN’ CUTE!

The good news is- you can get 8 of the 9 seasons in a dvd set that comes in an ultra-adorable Stewie head!

SQUIDBILLIES is not for the faint of heart. This is a late-night, adults-only cartoon that airs in 15 minute episodes on the Adult Swim portion of the Cartoon Network. The show revolves around a family of hillbilly squids. They are the ABSOLUTE CUTEST, crystal-meth making, boonie-living, redneck trash that you’ll ever meet! They squish around their junk yard in the Appalachian mountains on their long, tentacley legs, and their sound effects and thick (nearly unintelligible) accents are intoxicating.

This show is good for people who LIVE to be shocked and aren’t afraid of being appalled. Like, for example- Riese wouldn’t care for it because she doesn’t like violence (which is a quality we love about her, btw), and actually- most people won’t care for it because it can be somewhat racist, misogynistic, sexist, homophobic, violent, gory, crude, stupid, ignorant, and gross (a lot like The Real L Word). Squidbillies is proudly defiant and offensive to EVERYONE. No one is safe and that is exactly what we love about it.

If you enjoy shows like Jackass, Tosh.0, South Park or Strangers with Candy– then you should absolutely get these dvds. (They’d also be a great gift for your unemployed, druggie brother or guy friends).

Get Volume One, Volume Two, Volume Three or Volume Four at Amazon.

GOSSIP GIRL

LIZZ, WRITER

If you’ve ever read any of my articles you know that I have a rich fantasy life where I think I’m rich and can buy all the cute clothes I want. This is why I love Gossip Girl. Actually, I only started watching because I heard Hilary Duff kisses a girl in it. This is true and highly relevant to my interests, but Gossip Girl is so much more than that. In care you don’t know, Gossip Girl is about mega rich high school (and later college) students living on the upper west side of Manhattan. Thus, it’s basically the best show for anyone who wants to escape their life without running in to Doctor Who territory. It’s one of those shows where the plot line makes insane jumps and characters have complete personality changes over the course of an episode. Luckily you’re too distracted by how Unbelievably Good-looking everyone is to notice. Seriously, between Blake Lively and Leighton Meester you basically have all your basis covered. Chuck Bass (played by Ed Westwick) basically makes the best male-identified attempt at a hot butch lesbian that I’ve ever seen.

Gossip Girl is particularly good to watch on DVD because the plot lines are so entangled, that unless you watch it all in a row you’ll be all mixed up by the end of the season. Best of all, Gossip Girl is one of those shows you can watch with anyone. It might take some coercing, but as soon as anyone watches a few episodes they’re hooked. Your mom will love this show. You sister will love this show. Your dog will love this show. By the end of last summer my friends and I had two Australian golfer dudes more glued than us. They wanted to go as the cast for Halloween. Obviously it’s a winner.

Get the first, second and third, seasons on DVD at Amazon now. Season four is due out on DVD August 23rd (available now on iTunes and Amazon instant).

BUFFY

LANEIA, EXECUTIVE EDITOR

Buffy the Vampire Slayer is a show I was way too cool for in the late 90s. I’d repeatedly watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer THE MOVIE as a 12 year-old, and frankly, this television remake felt childish and unnecessary, so I didn’t even give it a chance. I was a very smug teenager.

After getting involved with the queer girl community on this magical internet, it became clear pretty quickly that I’d missed something. Not only was I not kissing girls in high school — like I should’ve been — but I had also missed out on this apparently amazing tv show. So I put aside my teenage snobbery and plowed through Season 1 over the course of a weekend (via Hulu, god of the Internet TV Show-Watching K-Hole). When that was over, I promptly purchased the entire set (and Angel! What?) on Amazon and never looked back. BTVS is witty, hilarious, campy as hell, empowering, GAY, feelingsy and I love love love it all so freaking much.

I’ve made peace with the fact that I didn’t watch it when it first aired. And I no longer lose sleep at night wondering if I would’ve realized my queerness sooner if I’d only been into Buffy instead of… whatever I was into then. Who has time to dwell on the past when you can ponder a world without shrimp?

BATTLESTAR GALACTICA

TAYLOR, WRITER

People always assume I know a ton about Sci-Fi because I can tell them what iPod to buy and I have a comprehensive genealogical knowledge of the Marvel universe. Confession: I’ve never seen a single episode of Star Trek and when people talk about Star Wars, I just play along so I don’t lose friends. I may be an infidel in those respects, but boy howdy did I get hooked on Battlestar Galactica.

I haven’t had cable or watched much TV over the years, so like every other show, I didn’t know about Battlestar Galactica (the new one, not the kitschy old one) until it had already ended. Before I watched the pilot, I was skeptical — I’m not into campy sci-fi stuff or horror so I went in pretty closed-minded, like a total asshole, really. As it turns out, BSG is just a really fucking mind-blowingly good drama that happens to be set in space in a future world where the human race is not quite so on top. To me, Battlestar Galactica seems like science fiction at its purest: rather than using futuristic technology, alien races, and interstellar travel as the focus, these aspects become the backdrop of brilliantly layered ethical dilemmas that would be otherwise impossible to conjure in say, Friday Night Lights.

This show is smart as all-get-out, incredibly hot (have you seen Starbuck?), respectably queer, and completely, utterly compelling. Of course, you’re not going to have much interest in our own mundane not-so-interstellar universe once you dip your toes into Battlestar’s tense, sexy, politically-charged spaceworld — so plan to your sick days accordingly.

Get the complete series on Amazon.

Next: The X-Files, Bones, Firefly, Queer as Folk and more!