Pretty Little Liars Recap 324: A Dangerous and Ultimately Confusing Game

Welcome to the third season finale of Pretty Little Liars! Did we ever think we’d come so far? I didn’t, and with good reason! Look at this sample of classic abcFamily TV shows canceled before a third season!

But not these Liars! They’re going the distance with a complete third season and more to come. What’s the secret? Well if I had to guess I’d say “lesbians.” Either way, abcFamily celebrated this victory by creating a scene by scene replication of the pilot episode! We’ll explore that later, but first let’s jump right into the thick of it!

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We open on Hanna, Emily and Aria sitting in the Hastings’ kitchen waiting for SpAncer to grace them with her royal, uptight, crazy-face presence. Hanna, having just purchased a necklace of paint swatches, muses that maybe, just maybe, the body found last episode isn’t TobAy. We, of course, already know it isn’t TobAy’s body because we saw the tattoo rub off last episode. Plus, the only people who die on Pretty Little Liars are those about to revele deep secretes to the Liars.

Emily is taking TobAy’s loss particularly hard, as he was modeling for a full sized diorama installation depicting the earliest human settlers that she was creating for the Academy of Natural Sciences of Drexel University. This was going to be Emily’s big ticket into college! Oh well, back to swimming and scissoring her way through life.

SpAncer takes that moment to walk down the stairs all cryptic-like, doing her best impersonation of the big reveal from She’s All That. Plus we get our first dose of the pilot episode coming back to haunt us!

The she answers some really important questions that have been plaguing us all season!

SpAncer gives a longwinded monologue about not wanting to be a victim and Radley and not being strong and seeing TobAy and all this other stuff. Blah blah blah sad sad sad TobAy TobAy TobAy.

The end-game is that SpAncer’s parents invited everyone to a good old fashion Look We Swear Our Kid Isn’t Crazy Party! I know something’s up with this party though, because the soundtrack is playing the scary music, and I’m always up for letting the TV soundtrack tell me how to feel.

Starsweep to the A-Mobile where A reminds us once again the only thing you need for hacking is a black hoodie and some study leather gloves.

A grabs a phone number off of a laptop, 251-469-3561 and sends it to her iPhone just as MonA walks in.

MonA has graduated from black hoodie to chic black tee shirt and is using her classic “Scary A Voice.” Is it wrong that I miss Season One Trying Too Hard Mona? I loved her. MonA sits looks at SpAncer’s party invite and tells the other A that she’s likes her plan.

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The next day at school, the Liars discover that Ezra has posted up a wanted ad for a babysitter. He and Aria are technically still together and while dating a student was kind of hot, dating the babysitter is just too cliché.

The Liars canvass about who the hell picked Malcolm up from school, even though we know it was SpAncer. It was approximately exactly like when your friend in the closet has a conversation with a straight girl about boys and you just stand there wide eyed and uncomfortable. Hanna really wants to hit Malcolm up for details, and needs an extra $10/hr, so Hanna grabs the sheet. She’ll just have Malcolm draw her a picture of who picked him up.

Just then, out of the blue, Shana shows up at Rosewood to practice with her swim team or maybe to suck Emily’s face. Who knows! Looks like Shana is swimming versus Emily in a swim meet later in the week.

I didn’t even know Shana was in high school! Rosewood truly does have an abundance of hot high school lesbians. And they all like it slippery and wet!

Emily: Hey! What are you doing here?
Shana: Our coach arranged for us to practice here this morning. But I say if it’s water it’s wet right?

Shana and Spencer have a bizarre and potentially flirtatious interaction that is never explained and probably never will be except for in the elaborate slash fic I’m writing entitled Hastily Seeking Hastings.

As for Hanna, well she isn’t too keen on Shana due to her massive Straight Girl Problems. Why does she hate Shana?

Even Emily is unimpressed to see Shana, which is sort of weird since she just introduced Emily to Missy Franklin like two episodes ago. Plus they were texting flirty style last episode. I think maybe this is one of those things where Shana is the dyke that you and your friends all know starts drama and you all pretend to be uninterested except secretly you all seriously want on.

Aria runs into Ezra in the halls where he’s just finished having a job interview or something. The two do an awkward hallway walk which is highly reminiscent of Season One. In a bad way. Fortunately we don’t have to worry about this happening anymore, because Fitz tells Aria that he probably won’t get the job anyways.

Elsewhere, at She and TobAy’s house, Jenna talks on the phone while a mysterious A figure stalks outside. We haven’t seen Jenna in a while have we. I kind of forgot she existed.

Jenna You said you were going to make it all go away. I’m worried! Now the police have evidence! Look, I need to see you today.

Outside Jenna’s, A texts the number they downloaded. Just as A sends the text, Jenna receives one and says she’s gotta go. I think the biggest plot hole in Pretty Little Liars is A’s ability to text with leather gloves on. That’s just not science. I understand there is plenty to complain about with my very favorite show, and I let a lot slide. But this?! This is impossible.

Starsweep across the neighborhood, where Aria, sportting some hot new after-sex hair, is doing her homework. Papa Crazy shows up to do his daily freak-out enraged that Ezra is going to take a job at the high school.

Aria’s all, “No no no [eye-roll] he didn’t get the job. Duhhhh.” Except, according to Byron, actually he did and he’s taking the day to think about it.

Speaking of Ezra, he and Hanna meet to discuss the exciting world of babysitting. Hanna’s only experience with babysitting was the time she and Caleb rented Babysitter Sluts 7, which, for the record, Caleb made them turn off because it was heterosexist and oppressive to women. Still, Hanna is completely unable to not sound like a porn star during this entire encounter.

Glee Episode 416 Recap: Feuds With Dudes And Girls And Boy Bands

Welcome to the seventeenth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a show about men and the women who want to tongue-kiss them! It’s also about organic tomatoes and the potatoes who love them, and it’s also about winter camping, hot dog water and puppy purses. It’s a very dynamic show.

You may be asking yourself, “Riese, it’s already Thursday! Don’t your Glee recaps usually debut on Sunday at the latest? Isn’t there a new episode on in a few hours? What happened?” Well, I was out of town all weekend, spent half of Monday crying in the fetal position because of things people said on the internet, and then on Tuesday decided that I just wasn’t going to recap the episode at all, because honestly it was terrible and I didn’t want to watch it again. But mostly I had like 65 other things on my Too Much-to-Do-List.

But I have been dogged by this naggy reliable perfectionist asshole in my brain who absolutely cannot feel good about herself unless she follows through on her commitments, like the commitment I made to recap every episode of this show. What if you get mad at me or think I’m irresponsible? WHAT THEN. WHAT DO I HAVE LEFT IN THIS WORLD. I mean, Intern Grace made screencaps and everything!

So I decided to write a mini-recap. Real Talk: Honestly part of my aversion to recapping this episode is that I have extensive personal experience in the sex work industry in Manhattan and therefore have lots of feelings about Geyerdean’s new storyline but because I don’t really talk about that enormous chunk of my life history on the internet, I just have to sit here and silently go insane. Anyhoo, let’s get to it, shall we?

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This week on Glee, the children, disturbed by the feud between Mr. Shue and the human-shaped Fritter Roll who rubbed his chapstick all over Emma’s lip balm several weeks back, have declared this week “FEUD WEEK,” because nothing brings you closer together like MOAR FIGHTING.

You may be asking yourself: “How does Emma feel about this feud or Finn’s unfortunate disclosure?” Well, my silly compatriots, you must have forgotten that Emma is a lady and therefore her feelings are irrelevant. It’s right there in the Glee Ten Commandments: “Thou shalt not speak of a woman’s feelings unless said feelings make Finn a better man.”

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Back in New York, New York, Rachel’s not pregnant and wants to go to class. “Rachel, you can’t just blow past this like it never even happened,” Santana advises. Um, it’s right there in the Glee Ten Commandments, Santana: “Thou shalt always blow past this like it never even happened.”

Regardless, Sananta insists Rachel must question her relationship with Geyerdean, who we then witness participating in a musical number in which Geyerdean makes approximately three facial expressions and then a gorgeous middle-aged woman who stores money in her bra takes him upstairs to a hotel room to play Chinese Checkers or maybe Hide-the-Salami.

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We then traverse back to Lima, Ohio, home to 39 gas stations and 16 grocery stores, where many unnecessarily complicated hijinks are unfurling. For starters, Sue Sylvester wants Blaine to adorn himself in skin-tight polyester and fist tiny girls into the air and claims he signed a 456-page contract committing himself to the Cheerios forever, like they do in Scientology. Blaine refuses to commit to the Cheerios Cult, aka Sea Org.

Meanwhile in the libraray, aka Ryder Bieber-Strong’s personal computer lab, Ryder Bieber-Strong’s pursuing an online affair with a girl named katie_xoxo, who we all know is probably an axe murderer and definitely not a 16-year-old blonde girl named Katie.

Ryder thinks he and Katie The Arsonist are soulmates because they both love bears and french fries.

This is also when this week’s Social Issue gets introduced: unlike his Glee compatriots who prefer to play out their transphobia via microaggressions, repeated employment of male pronouns and unchecked low-blows veiled in offensive pop culture callbacks, Ryder’s going all in this episode and openly expressing his discomfort with Unique’s efforts to exist and be herself.

Ryder tells Katie The Kitten-Killer about a confrontation with Unique earlier that fine morning during which Unique called Ryder out for smushing his trouty mouth against Marley-Kate’s sugar shack. Ryder noted that it’s none of Unique’s business, which’s true, but then Ryder challenged Unique’s gender identity, because that’s what douchebags do when they can’t think of anything relevant to say.

Katie the Kidnapper suggests Ryder challenge Unique to a duel for FEUD WEEK and Ryder Bieber-Strong is like, “You’re a genius!” If she was an actual genius she probably would’ve used Unique’s correct pronouns or a more convincing fake-picture, but whatever.

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Accompanied by the Dothraki, we make our way back to New York City’s famous Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, where Santana continues insisting that Geyerdean’s not the cater-waiter Rachel insists he is and, furthermore, Santana’s very worried about the “soggy mess of a woman” Rachel has become.

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We then traverse the barren wasteland of the post-apocalyptic tundra of the soggy mess of the Eastern United States until we arrive in Lima, Ohio, where Sue Sylvester has gifted Blaine with a tub of cement disguised as hair gel, taken out 30 credit cards in his name, ruined his parents credit, stolen his identity, and a billion other things that are not only illegal but also really impossible to accomplish in such a short period of time.

But Sue’s crowning achievement was hiring a blimp carrying a “BLAINE IS ON THE BOTTOM” sign to circle the school…

…which inspires this fantastic facial expression:

“That is completely inexcusable,” Blaine spurts. “and it’s not true! Not really!”

Well boys, there you have it.

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Elsewhere in these hallowed hallways, Marley-Kate and The New Puck decide to get back together. “It’s me and you against the world,” says New Puck, apropos of nothing.

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Later that same day, or maybe the next day or the day after that, Ryder and Unique perform an unfortunate mash-up of Elton John/Madonna. Can I suggest something really quick? Okay. Thank you. Maybe Unique is The New Rachel! Because she throws her whole entire self into every single song she sings, you know?

Ryder rage-drums, Unique dashes about dressing everybody up in her love and then Unique touches Ryder’s shoulder and Ryder pulls away in a manner that inspires me to shove drumsticks in both of his earholes.

At the song’s fortunate conclusion, Blaine suggests the winsome duo shake hands and make up, but Ryder Bieber-Strong refuses to call Unique a girl because he has short-term memory issues.

Ryder Bieber-Strong: “Look, I’m just so confused, okay? Yesterday you’re dressed as a boy, today you’re a girl. What – what bathroom do you use? I mean, make up your mind.”
Unique: “It doesn’t matter what you see, you don’t get to decide for me.”

The New Puck tells Ryder Bieber-Strong that he’s a douchebag because “in this room, we can be whoever we want,” like how Teen Jesus is a total waste of space yet still gets lines sometimes.

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I think this is followed by another scene in Sue’s office, but I didn’t actually take notes for this, but Intern Grace made this nice graphic, so:

Also, Becky wears this:

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We then traverse land and sea, resting briefly by the Tumtum tree, until we at last come upon the Only Classroom at Fake Julliard, where Geyerdean’s apparently teaching choreography to an all-female troupe of fishnet stockings to please Kate Hudson, who I guess still exists. Then Satana shows up because girlfriend is on a capital-M MISSION.

(Sidenote: If somebody asked me, which nobody EVER DOES, I’d say that Geyerdean’s an asshole because he’s not being open with his partner about the fact that he’s a sex worker, but there’s nothing inherently shameful about being a sex worker. It’s up to Rachel whether or not she’s comfortable with it — and she certainly doesn’t have to be. But he needs to give her the chance to make that decision for herself and not make it for her by lying. Anyhow…)

Geyerdean: “Do you know what your problem is, Santana? You’re loud, and you’re rude, and you think that attitude equals talent.”
Santana: “Another thing I am: a hardcore friend. Kurt and Rachel are my family and I can smell your sketchiness from here. So let me tell you how it’s gonna be. You’re gonna move out of our apartment tonight, or I can dig a little deeper and destroy you.”

Or she can dance around like a sex machine atop a shit-ton of scaffolding!

Ladies and gentlequeers, I present the best part of this entire episode:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuOic_O-5mg

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Pretty Little Liars Season Finale Open Thread and OMG Celebration

[SPOILER ALERT!!]

What on earth did I just watch? I’m so confused. I’m going to have to watch this another four times just to make heads and tails of what I saw. I guess here’s the working theory: Spencer and TobAy were both just on the A-Team to save each other (barf); Shana and Jenna are boning and also on the A-Team along with Wilden and Melissa; Ali is Red Coat, Ali’s twin who is the girl Ali and her friends know is the one who keeps saving the girls; no one died the Night Ali Died And Blackmailed Everyone. Or something. I’m lost here.

Instead of making everyone wait until I can form a cohesive thought I guess I’d better just open up the floor for comments. Did you totally see this coming? Were you blown away surprised? What are we going to call Jenna and Shana? Shanenna? Jenana? There’s so much to discuss!

Pretty Little Liars 323: I’m Your Sock Puppet

This week on Pretty Little Liars we set ourselves up for the big season finale. Let’s build all the tension!

We open on the grim sad grey walls of Radley where the Liars are finally visiting Spencer. Honey Badger, aka Spencer, don’t give a shit.

The girls aren’t just here for chit-chat and feel betters, they actually have big news. The police found a body out in the woods! Except it wasn’t TobAy’s body. It was some other bro. Probably because TobAy is definitely not dead and this is just the most obnoxious ploy ever.

The Liara want Spencer to come home but she’s so super not ready. I feel like this complete personality change doesn’t make any sense, even in light of the TobAy break-up freakout. Old Spencer would be shitting her pants at the lost college application time.

Back in her room, Spencer has something under her pillow. Is it a knife? A bow and arrow? A huge dildo? An illogical yet effective lesbian plot line for this show? Those all sound pretty impossible. Regardless, we won’t find out yet.

Back at Emily’s house, she and Hanna act all Odd Couple, as though they’ve never had a sleepover. Which is off since they lived together last season for some long but ultimately undetermined amount of time.

Hanna is still wicked worried that Wilden is hot on her tail what with her sinking his car and all. Emily, on the other hand, thinks there’s nothing to worry about because, contrary to popular belief and the movie Cars, Honda Civics don’t just un-sink themselves.

Pam rocks up so that she and Emily can marvel at what a disgusting slob Hanna is. Why are the pretty, put together ones also the messiest? Is that a thing? Then Pam dishes out more of that awesome parenting advice that she and Ella both read in Rosewood Parenting Monthly (subscriptions now only $19.99 per year).

Over at Le Petite Cafe Petite, Aria and Ezra share a Krispie Kreme donut. The two discuss going back in the Inappropriate Age Closet. Aria thinks they should be on the DL as long as Ezra is teaching again. Ezra, on the other hand wants them to be here, queer and for corporate sponsors to get the hell used to it.

Just then, Ezra gets a call from Maggie. She needs Ezra to pick up Malcolm at Karate the following day. I’m starting to hate that kid Malcolm, but only really because I misspelled his name “Malcome” fourteen times before realizing it. Unfortunately, Ezra has a second interview for a substitute teaching job, which is funny because last time I checked the only credentials you needed to sub were a pulse and to not be currently fucking a high school student. Oh.

Aria volunteers to babysit Malcolm and Ezra agrees even though the last time she babysat Malcolm literally busted his face place.

Outside the school, Hanna and Caleb do more of that lesbian shit where they talk about all of their feelings about Caleb’s dad.

Starsweep to the locker set of Rosewood High, Emily is getting text messages from Shana. And Paige is out of town. Aria immediately identifies this as sexy time crush texting and Emily can barely deny it without her ovaries bursting forth with lesbionic love waves. I know we all love Paige now and forever, but this is one step closer to seeing Emily hug Shana with her legs in friendship. I wouldn’t say no to that.

Hanna meets up with the other two and Emily convinces her and Aria to come check out the body at the morgue. Hanna doesn’t have anything important to contribute, but she does drop this little gem.

Back over at Radley, the only doctor in town shows up. That’s right, Wren hits the scene! Just in time to because Lamb the Orderly has just given Spencer some complicated MonA board game.

Wren peaces out and Spencer takes a better look at MonA’s board game. She realizes it’s actually a map. A map for sneaking out of Radley through a window. I would be a hell of a lot more excited about this if abcFamily would stop telling me to tweet #MonasMap. I know what a map is, abcFamily, I saw Treasure Planet.

Over in Ella’s Classroom of Language and Love, Ella pulls Hanna aside. Ella can’t get ahold of Ashley because she’s out of town and everyone knows cell phones don’t work in New York City. Ella goes against the logic any parent might use ever and tells Hanna that Jamie potentially stole a church bell and replaced it with a cheap knock-off. To the tune of one hundreds thousand million billion dollars. Why is a church spending so much on a bell anyways? Aren’t there underserved who need serving in Rosewood?

Hanna and Caleb have dinner with Jamie which would be super nice if we didn’t know that Ella thinks Jamie is a snake who tried to sell the city of Rosewood on a monorail and a bunch of invisible instruments.

Jamie even gives Hanna a thank you necklace which would also be super nice if it wasn’t clear that this is not a girl who lets middle age men pick out her accessories. Jamie gets a phone call and leaves the dinner table. You can see the metaphorical shit launching into the air towards a window fan on the other side of the room.

When Jamie returns to the dinner table he has horrible but predictable news. He’s been fired for potential theft!

Meanwhile, Mama Hastings shows up at Radley to try to bring Spencer home. Spencer is sort of not really okay at all and wants to stay. All of the Pretty Little Liars usually crazy Spencer schtick aside, it’s actually a good scene. I can’t help but think of how many times overbearing mothers have tried to drag their type A, high-achieving, over-extended, bursting at the seams daughters out of mental hospital.

Mama Hastings presses Spencer to tell her what in grape juice’s name is going on with her. She remarks that the last time she saw someone “hold on to secret so tightly” it was Ali. Before she DIED. Obviously.

Cue the fuzzy pastel flashback.

We zoom in on Mama Hastings up for a little wake and bake when Alison shows up at the door with a bloody lip.

She was supposed to be in Spencers bedroom but she had snuck out momentarily. Ali begged Mama Hastings not to say anything and keep the whole encounter a secret. And then she DIED. That’s right kids, the moral of the story is that lying gets you dead. Wait. I think I just figured out this TV show.

Timewarp into the night where the Liars are back in their candy striper outfits. Why? To please us, I think. And to track down the John Doe found out in the woods!

The Liars have snuck into the morgue using their Mary-Kate and Ashley detective kits and a stolen medical ID. At least I assume so since the the whole hospital/morgue break-in took place off screen. Someone please inform the PLL writers that you need about a million ID clearance swipes to get to a morgue. Or into a hospital.

Hanna, scared that the body might be actually be TobAy’s, suggests they just look for his tattoo. Because there is only one of every tatto and there’s no way to give a tatto to a dead person. Anyways the girls get nervous that someone is coming and finally just unzip the bag and it’s Alison!

Just kidding it’s one of those freaky Alison masks. They pull it off and I think it’s not TobAy based on the Liars reactions, but I can’t be sure because all white guys look the same to me.

The sun rises on Radley, home of the best metal healthcare in Pennsylvania. Lamb shows up again and Spencer brings up the board game and Wren. Lamb is pretty tight lipped. He won’t give Spencer any details on the game. He pretty much hates Wren and thinks he’s a bad dude. That being said, I still think Lamb is probably drugging Spencer with all those pills. Or is he?!

Good thing Spencer is cheeking her pills!

Outside school, Hanna and Caleb have a little heart to heart. Well Caleb wants to talk about all of his feelings but Hanna wants to study and ignore them. C’mon Hanna, Caleb needs to talk about this!!

Caleb feels like the church committee is fucking with his dad for no good reason. Hanna feels like if he stole that dice dice baby dollar from the church collection box there must be more theft afoot. Caleb has a lot of feelings about it.

At Malcolm’s Karate class, Aria shows up to play Mommy Pick-up. The Karate instructor informs her that Malcolm has already been picked up. By Aria Montgomery. Oh fuck that’s Aria! Obviously this means Malcolm is with A. The annoying thing is that Malcolm knows who Aria is. She’s his babysitter. You would think he would have said something. Unless Aria has a secret evil twin we don’t know about!

According to a flyer in his cubby, A took Malcolm to a carnival. Did I say a carnival? Because I mean the creepiest carnival ever. Lets take a minute to explore the things Aria encountered as she approached my worse nightmare ever.

Aria runs all over the fairgrounds looking for Malcolm, but surprisingly, runs into her mother. This is never explained or rationalized. Unless it’s cleared up in the next episode I’m going to assume Holly Marie Combs had an extra 3 minutes of screen time in her contract to kill.

Elsewhere, Orderly Lamb and Dr. Wren have a run-in outside Spencer’s room. Lamb wants to give Spencer a book but Wren is like, “Bro, back off, there’s only room in Spencer life for one age inappropriate man and that’s me.”

Wren: We’re not having the same problem, are we?

Sounds to me like Orderly Lamb and MonA were getting down with their bad selves mental hospital style.

Caleb’s dad comes by Hanna’s house for god knows what reason. He says he’s been running all over the place trying to figure out where the real bell went. Odd isn’t, that the good people of Rosewood would jump to firing the contractors before anyone’s made a single call to the shop.

Caleb confronts him about the dice dollars and Jamie explains that he was given that as a cash upfront for his service and the both laugh the whole thing off. Just kidding, Caleb just blows up at his dad without explanation. He also cries a bunch and brings up a few very valid points about how being a good father tends to include not abandoning your kid.

Adults in Rosewood are unable to control their own emotions or act like grown-ups and Jamie stomps out. Why is this plot line taking so long?

At the carnival, Malcolm is, yup, still missing. If only they’d installed a tracking device in this kid. Aria decides she’s going to go to the police. A doesn’t much like police, so just then Aria notices a puppet show.

She walks in and Malcolm is sitting alone claiming that the next show is about to start. Aria is confused as to why Malcolm didn’t wait for her, but he’s all like, “Nah, this shit is NBD. I go with strangers all the time.” He is literally the most docile kid ever. Which is weird because last episode he was bouncing off the walls and right into the hospital. Then again, earlier this season he was played by a totally different actor. So.

This would be a really good time to bust out your cell phone and show Malcolm pictures of the people you know and ask him which person picked him up. Or ask the Karate instructor. Wait. What the fuck was Ella doing there? Could Ella be A?! Nah, Piper would never do that to us.

Emily shows up to the police station in a super fresh leather jacket. Aria texts in the knick of time that Malcolm is A-OK so Emily is left without a good reason for being there. Pam is unimpressed. She’s trying to cultivate a high powered career here Emily! She can’t have her teen dramarama daughter showing up all the time!

Spencer sneaks out of her room in a babydoll nighty. I’m not sure if Radley is supplying the most inappropriate nightgowns ever or if Spencer has just been ordering her clothes from the American Girl Catalogue.

Spencer follows Mona’s map downstairs to that room where MonA lead the Liars a million billion years ago during her stint at Radley. Spencer finds Ali going through old records. I love how seeing Ali isn’t even surprising anymore. Whether she’s an illusion or a twin or not dead, this Ali seem to be an incarnation of our favorite version of Ali, Gay-Ali. They slow dance, I assume to KC and Jo-Jo’s I’ll Make Love to You. This is high school after all.

Ali leads Spencer to a rocking horse. The horse has a detachable head (a mighty fine feature if I do say so myself) and it’s filled with MonA’s old ID badges and visitor passes for sneaking people in and out. Just then Wren walks in.

Aria and Ezra meet up for dinner. Aria looks like she needs a huge glass of wine. Why? Because she almost got Ezra’s kid killed. Ezra doesn’t care though. Malcolm reported all’s clear in the atmosphere. Aria tries to break things off with Ezra and he’s like “Nah, we got this.” Except Aria is actually totally serious and wants out. I wonder how long until she shacks up with Wesleywolf.

This is how his face goes.

Back in Spookyville, Spencer freaks out at Wren, pointing out that he signed a vistors pass for Cece to enjoy a conjugal visit with MonA. Wren explains that Ali got Cece kicked out of college for “some stunt she pulled at a frat party.” I’m going to assume this is referring to the time Alison pushed some girl down the stairs at one of Ian’s parties. Wren thought Cece could help MonA heal her pain. Clearly, Wren thought wrong.

Pam pulls Emily aside and tells her that she knows something that Emily can’t tell her friends. Like Pam will lose her job level can’t tell her friends. Which is dumb because Pam knows Hanna will be back soon. Adults on this show need to stop telling teenagers not to tell their friends stuff. That’s just not how teenagers work.

Either way, Pam tells Emily they found another body out in the woods. One with “significant damage to the body” which I’m pretty sure means no nose. Gross. Anyways they won’t know more until the morning even though they’ve already had a report that TobAy’s been murdered and they have his prints on file. Rosewood literally has the most incompetent police of all time.

Hanna and Caleb follow everyone else in town to the carnival. I mean, they don’t go into the carnival, that would mean potentially making new friends and these two have some episodes of True Blood to Netflix and a serious knitting project to work on when they get home. They’re just stopping for a coffee nearby.

Caleb is upset and feels stupid for giving his dad a second chance. I’m pretty furious his dad isn’t even calling to try to explain himself. Just then, of course, A texts Hanna revealing that she was behind it all along. Yup, this plot line of shit continued its journey across the living room over the coffee table and finally collided with the fan we spotted like four episodes ago.

Caleb goes off to chase down his dad and Hanna meets up with Aria to commiserate. What bad luck they’ve been having. It’s almost like someone is plotting against them.

Emily, doing the opposite of what her mom said, runs over and tells her friends that they found another body. Great, now they think TobAy is dead too. Guys. He’s fucking faking it. Clearly.

Back in her room at Radley, Spencer eyes her little baggie of pills. For a terrifying second I thought she was going to take them all, but she doesn’t. Instead she reaches in her pillowcase again and pulls something else out. Oh, and a black hoodie and tickets to a puppet show. Because, according to a voice over, Spencer’s officially on the A team.

Wait. Was Spencer giving her pills to Malcolm?! Did they drug the little kid? Bold move A-Team. Bold move. Letting someone see you and know you’re A. Someone who’s unpredictable and hard to control like a kid? That’s like asking to get caught.

In fact, I think that’s entirely what’s going on here. I think the A-Team isn’t really letting Spencer in. If they did she wouldn’t still have questions for Wren. Plus then she would know that TobAy isn’t really dead. So the A-Team is just playing Spencer for a fool, trying to get her caught by the other Liars so that they can’t even trust each other anymore.

This makes perfect sense as a set-up for next episode. First the Liars will bust Spencer for helping the A-Team. I. Marlene King promised Red Coat and potentially also another A would get revealed next episode, but even if Spencer figures it out, the other Liars won’t believe her.

Top contenders for the A-Team?
1. Ali’s Evil Twin
2. Cece
3. That guy who knew Emily’s name who will turn out to be someone’s secret love child.
4. Lamb
5. Wren

I’ve specifically left Shana and Paige of this list in hopes that the Gay TV Gods supply us with a rockin’ lezzie threesome.

In our final cut scene it’s revealed that whoever Spencer saw out there may have had TobAy’s tattoo, but it was a lick and stick. Obviously. Because TobAy is totally totally totally still alive.

Tune in next week for the season finale when everything I’ve predicted all season long will turn out to be true and I will reign supreme, shouting “I told you so” from the rooftops.

Glee Episode 415 Recap: Girls (And Bois) On Film

Welcome to the fifteenth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a show about human beings who have sex with bananas, get pregnant, give birth to half-banana half-human babies and then teach those babies to sing and then hook those babies up with a human-sized fingerling potato and slingshot the whole gaggle into stardom.

This week, Glee paid tribute to some of my favorite movies of all time and either alienated or enriched the lives of at least six passionate 12-year-old Gleeks who’ve never seen Ghost. Like every episode I’ve enjoyed in Seasons Three and Four, the episode’s extensive setlist offered minimal time for actual lines or plot and therefore minimal opportunities for something terrible to happen! Let’s get started on this highway to heaven, shall we?

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We open in the drably-decor’ed recesses of William Schuster’s old-fashioned subconscious, where William Schuster and Emma Pillsbury, rocking Lesbian Cater-Waiter Chic, are dancing on the ceiling to “You’re All The World To Me” from the 1951 film “A Royal Wedding.”

William is jolted awake by his realization that the house is upside-down, only to find himself alone in bed surrounded by open DVD cases. He really should close those DVD cases, worms could get in there!

Here’s the original:

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We then starsweep to the Glorious Glee Room in the charming hamlet of Lima, Ohio, where William proudly announces this week’s theme: “MOVIES!” “Everybody loves movies,” William begins, ’cause clearly he’s not read I Don’t Like Movies.

This week, the tiny koalas will be selecting their favorite songs from their favorite movies, creating mash-ups, and competing Boys vs. Girls, like on Survivor, but in Lima.

“Unique knows all there is to know about The Crying Game,” says Unique. Oh yes? Like how it’s one of the most transphobic movies of all time? I hate this show. “You don’t get dibs on Les Mis just because you are the poster,” Fake Quinn snaps at Marley-Kate, who’s been known to dream a dream of time gone by, when hope was high and this show worth watching.

Will blathers about the language of cinema and “theatricality” and Artie announces that he’ll cast the winning team in starring roles for his first “micro-budget feature” (because the only thing better than a student film is a high school student film). Obviously, Artie loves Queer Theory and hates Gender so therefore none of his characters are un-evolved enough to require a certain arbitrary biological assignment in order to live their truth. If the Girls win, his film will pass the Bechdel Test with flying colors!

Everybody’s favorite Human Kugel, Finn Hudson, pulls William into the hallway to impart some 18-Year-Old Executive Realness Wisdom upon his new bestie regarding William’s refusal to send a recon mission to Kobol to track down Emma Pillsbury. “Come on man, Stand and Deliver!” Finn belches down the hallway as William walks the other way, because I guess Glee Club is over now or something.

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Finn, ruthlessly committed to other people’s business, hits up Sue Sylvester for the inside scoop on Emma Pillsbury’s whereabouts.

Sue:“Well I assume she’s checked into some Ginger asylum somewhere now that she’s escaped from Will Schuester’s living dollhouse of the damned. Even if I were privy to that information, even if I did know, I certainly wouldn’t divulge it to a flop sweat-smelling, fake-teen-teaching, army-deserting, high school lurking, sectionals-losing, special needs baby-hating —”

Cut promptly back to the Glee Room, where Artie suggests hunting down henhouses and outhouses or else just talking to her parents.

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Meanwhile in the hallowed hallways of dear dear McKinley High, Blaine and Brit-Brit announce that they’ve knocked their prenaturally attractive heads together and birthed an idea: the first Boys vs. Girls number should be a Boys + Girls Number! Marley-Kate suggests “Wind Beneath my Wings” from Beaches, which’s the first cool thing she’s ever said, but Blaine suggests “a little ditty from the seminal college comedy Animal House!”

The now-enormous Glee Club, led by Heather Morris’s sweet sweet thighs and Blaine’s enthusiastic eyeballs, galavant gayly through McKinley’s hallowed halls while delivering an energetic performance of “Shout!”, a song I love like I love sunshine and apple pie. It’s bouncy and colorful and cute, too.

Here’s the Glee version of Shout:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ESx8mzsIjbQ

And here’s the original:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kc0HqbsZxOg

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We then journey across acres and centimeters and gallons of pure American soil, pausing briefly to visit some of Southeast Pennsylvania’s legenedary outlet malls, until we at last arrive in New York City. Here, atop the Barbie Bushwick Dream Loft, Santana’s bemoaning being snowed-in “with a bunch of musical theater geeks” dedicated to near-perfect re-enactments of dinnertime at Downton Abbey.

Santana: “It’s like Eli Roth decided to make a gay horror movie and this is the scene right before we all eat each other.”

I think there’s a missing “out” on the end of that sentence. Just saying.

Restless, bored and hopelessly snowbound, Santana sets to Stirring Up Shit, first by remarking to Adam’s Apple that Kurt and Blaine were pretty intimate throughout the Valentine’s Day Wedding Spectacular Episode and noting that Rachel appears “pumpkin-like” and “not just ’cause of Tan in the Can.” I think what she’s suggesting is that Rachel is not a human being but is actually a vegetable, just like her ex-boyfriend, which is slander.

Rachel then burts forth from the chamber of the porcelain goddess to declare that Satana’s fucking up their Sanctuary and must move out. Kurt demands they retract their claws and focus on the movie marathon, for which Santana’s chosen Knocked Up, She’s Having a Baby or Rosemary’s Baby. Rachel vetoes, Kurt suggests my FAVORITE MOVIE EVER and THE FIRST DVD I EVER PURCHASED, Moulin Rouge. I listened to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack SO MANY TIMES in 2001 that the CD is no longer playable, an honor shared only with Lauryn Hill’s The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and Ani DiFranco‘s Like I Said. Just FYI.

I saw Moulin Rouge the week it debuted at the Village East Cinema in New York which was a few blocks from the Third Avenue North dorm, where I lived that summer with my BFF Becky from Westchester who had lived next door to me in the dorms at Michigan. We went with Becky’s best friend from home, Ashley, and it was hot outside but really cool inside, and we didn’t get snacks because Becky & Ashley didn’t eat carbs, and they both kinda hated it and I was like, oh my god, I LOVED THAT FUCKING MOVIE. The next day at work, aka The Olive Garden, I tried talking to the gay boys about it but they just wanted to complain about Nicole Kidman’s voice. So I settled for a private love affair with the film since nobody else shared my passion. Anyhow where was I?

After a disarming commercial break, we return to the snow-topped terraces of Paris (pronounced “Pear-EEE”) for a super romantic and erotic re-make of the legendary (to me) musical number “Come What May” from the fantastic (in my opinion) movie-musical Moulin Rouge, replete with flashbacks to early Klaine days, in the style of the original.

The song is tender but enormous, too, with these two guys on a rooftop, their hearts afire with the reticent beat of teenage love, torn apart by a literal and figurative distance that seems to be growing greater every minute.

In short: it was really sweet, and really gay, and also really unfortunate for Kurt’s British butt-buddy.

The original isn’t on YouTube, but here’s the Glee version:
http://youtu.be/eCGX4FBJfNc

Anyhow, we smear back to the couch, where Kurt insists the tears he’s crying are caused by his contacts, even though he doesn’t wear glasses, but Santana points out:

Santana: “Really? I would’ve thought that you were crying because you and Blaine used to talk about how this was your dream to sing this song to each other at your wedding.”
Kurt: [shut the fuck up face] “Did we?”

Santana: “Yeah, I remember you telling me that singing this song to someone was a more intimate act than sex.”
Kurt: “Who wants popcorn?”

Before any popping can begin dropping, Santana announces that she found a wad of cash and a pager in Geyerdean’s coat, which means he’s a drug dealer from the 90’s. A really terrible drug dealer, honestly, for leaving his pager behind.

Santana: “When I first met him, totally thought he was weird. He smelt all talcum-y like a Cabbage Patch doll and then he said that I wasn’t a real New Yorker until I had my first makeover and I was like what does that even mean? Like who are you?”
Adam: “Oh come on, Brody’s a sweetheart.”
Santana: “That’s what I told myself, you know, so what if he’s totally hairless and made out of plastic? I’m gonna look past the fact that he probably has a disgusting porn star landing strip. I’m gonna give Lars and the Real Boy one more chance. But them, I found… this.”

Santana admits proudly that she goes through everybody’s shit because she’s the Baddest Bitch On The Block.  It’s “a thing I do,” she says.

The roommates are understandably aghast at this thought, especially Kurt with his vintage stash of XY Magazines and 2(x)IST Slimming Contour Briefs and especially Rachel with her vintage stash of sexy Lea Michele photos, but Santana rebuts:

Santana: “Oh, okay, I like how you guys pretend to be all accepting about everything, but when your friend suddenly shows up in your home, moves in and goes through all your stuff, you’re offended?”

Har. Anyhow, Santana needs a Type-A girlfriend who does something dangerous or physically exhausting for a living, like Kara Thrace. I’m a Startana shipper.

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Cut all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home to seven MasterBrand Cabinet stores, where Artie and a Spicy Potato Wedge have donned Stuart Smalley wigs in hopes of seducing Emma Pillsbury’s parents into revealing Emma’s whereabouts.

Emmas’ parents provide a Murphy Nod, which’s my new term for when Glee informs us that they’re just as aware of their various inconsistencies as we are, noting that Emma’s a shitty Guidance Counselor because “the kids at this school never seem to think about what college they want to go to until about a week before graduation. That’s weird, you’re supposed to figure that our when you’re a junior.”

In any event, Finn and Artie snag the addy.

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We then dash easterly back to the Barbie Bushwick Dream Loft, where Kurt announces that they’ve been snowed in for 48 hours but apparently only managed to watch 45 minutes of Moulin Rouge, because now “should we finish Moulin Rouge?” is up for a popular vote.

Rachel tries to prove Geyerdean’s not a drug dealer by calling him on speakerphone but he acts like a total sketchmonster, while Santana makes suggestive gestures in the background:

Kurt whispers “I’m with you” to Santana, which means Kurt must also be gay!

(Be sure to tune in next week for a game of “how much sex-worker-shaming can Glee indulge in before Riese totally loses her shit?”)

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We then gallop back over to Lima, Ohio, a fair-weathered village deep in the forest of ohiosville, where The Bois of Glee have prepared an ambitious tribute to Tom Cruise The Magical Scientologist by highlighting his best work, circa a long time ago: “Danger Zone,” from the Top Gun ride at King’s Island and I guess also the movie Top Gun, and “Old-Time Rock ‘n Roll,” from Risky Business, which requires New Puck, Sam, and Ryder Bieber-Strong to eschew pants.

Here’s “Old Time Rock and Roll” from Risky Business:

Here’s “Danger Zone” from Top Gun:

And here’s the Glee version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Qxq9v_x6N0

The most important thing to know about Top Gun is that Kelly McGillis is a lesbian.

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Pretty Little Liars Recap 322: Will the Circle Jerk Be Unbroken?

Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only show on television specifically devoted to fucking with your head and casting former child stars as parents. This week, Emily meets an olympic swimmer and Spencer reenacts the entire plot line of Girl, Interrupted.

As you might remember, when we last visited Rosewood, Spencer had a borderline offensive “Break with Reality” out in the woods. We open on Rosewood High that very same morning where Spencer, obviously, hasn’t shown up to homeroom or even lunch. MonA spies on the girls, I assume to figure out if they know where Spencer is so she can get back to fucking with her.

Melissa stops by the school to see if the Liars know where Spencer is at, but they’re just as confused as she is! The Liars realize if Melissa doesn’t even know where Spencer is something must seriously be wrong!

So where is that rascal Spencer anyways? As it turns out she is in Radley Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Remember, in Rosewood they don’t take sick girls to the ER, they take them to mental hospitals that looks like prisons. She’s playing solitaire because at Radley the only things you’re allowed to do are play cards or speak in riddles.

An orderly comes in and changes Spencer’s bandages. It becomes apparent that she’s still being called a Jane Doe. He also explains that Spencer is only in the hospital because there’s a law that lets paramedics take you to the hospital instead of jail. Wait. Why on earth would Spencer go to jail for being out in the woods?

Either way, the orderly tells Spencer she is going to have a psych evaluation for her amnesia. Spencer moves on to the “riddles” portion of staying at Radley, but it’s still pretty obvious she knows exactly who she is. This girl doesn’t have amnesia for shit. For a moment I was really excited and thought maybe Spencer was just trying to get into Radley to dig up dirt on MonA.

That afternoon at the Marin’s, Hanna and Ashley are still on pins and needles. Hanna’s not so worried, but Ashley won’t even pick up phone calls from her pastor boyfriend because she’s so nervous she could get arrested for murder any day now.

Over at Ezra’s Annex, Aria does some stressing of her own. The Liars still haven’t found Spencer and Ezra is all stressed out.

Ezra is super stressed about money and work. He seems to want to go back to teaching. That would probably be fine right? As long as he only teaches college students. Or puppies. Then this little pearl of total lesbianism happens.

Over at the church, Hanna and Ashley meet up with Ashley’s boyfriend Pastor Ted. He is so freaking psyched that Caleb’s dad is rebuilding the steeple so well. But we don’t have time for that plotline because Wilden shows up!

That’s right, the guy who we thought was dead. Just kidding, I don’t believe anyone on this show is dead until I see their face in that ridiculous blue makeup they use for dead people. I’ve never been happier to see Wilden– mostly because I think the Caleb’s Dad Story is boring. Wilden doesn’t have much to say except P.S. I’m not dead.

Back over at Radley, the only therapist in town shows up to do Spencer’s psych eval. No, not Wren, he’s the only doctor in town. It’s Dr. Sullivan again!

Don’t worry, I’m sure Wren will be by to accidentally fall on Spencer’s mouth or offer her unsolicited medical advice in whatever his specialty is these days. Dr. Sullivan hits the ground running and gets Spencer to admit who she is and even that she saw TobAy’s dead body. That might be the most impressive therapy we’ve ever seen from this woman.

At Aria’s house she and Byron have a nice little heart to heart. I like how now we don’t suspect him at all. Either way Aria wants Byron to give Ezra a job. Byron is like, “Meh.” I’d probably have the same reaction if my 17 year old daughter wanted help for her 35 year old boyfriend.

Starsweep to Radley where Dr. Sullivan has taking a quick T.O. to let Spencer recuperate from all the amazing therapizing she’s getting. Melissa shows up and tries to figure out what the fuck is going on. Melissa sobs explaining that it never occurred to her that Spencer might be in real pain. She just figured she was a huge bitch who needed to get the fuck over herself. Mostly I just want Melissa to fess up about what happened The Night Ali Died Maybe or GTFO.

Over at the Life Cafe, Emily, Hanna and Aria converge to have a big group think session. Melissa lets them know that Spencer is okay and at Radley, but now what to do about it? They think about hatching a plan to get in to see her, but then they lose interest and wander off.

Oh and then A texts Hanna a screenshot of Wilden pulling her mom’s car over. There was no threat or reason to do it, so I’m guessing it was just so we didn’t go a whole episode without a message from A.

Timejump and it’s nightime at Radley. The same male orderly comes to give Spencer some meds. He claims they’re just antibiotics but you just know that Spencer just got slipped tranquilizers. Just before he leaves, Spencer notices that his badge says “E. Lamb” just like TobAy’s did. It’s unclear if this is a coincidence, Lamb just slipped Spencer drugs or if he was sent by Mona to just fucked with her.

At the Marin’s, Hanna tells Ashley all about Spencer.

As the most plugged in and the least mature adult in the Liar’s circuit, Ashley decides she wants to cancel her trip to New York. Oh didn’t I mention? Ashley has a big job interview in New York that we’ve never heard about before now. Unfortunately if she gets it she and Hanna will have to move to New York City which would be terrible. And by terrible I mean that’s literally the only good plan for getting away from A anyone has ever come up with.

Elsewhere, in a random location in the middle of Rosewood, Emily finds Dr. Sullivan outside her office. Emily asks a ton of questions and Dr. Sullivan reveals everything about Spencer’s situation making 1000 HIPAA violations.

The next day, over in Ella’s Classroom of Language and Love, Byron stops by to discuss The Ezra Situation. Ella thinks Byron should help him because she supports free love and recognizes the importance of teaching, growing, learning and loving. Byron thinks it’s a good idea because if he’s got a big boy job, maybe Ezra will shack-up with Maggie Mack and his son and leave Aria curbside.

Dr. Sullivan starts off day two of her her evaluation of Spencer by basically telling Spencer she’s crazy and didn’t see TobAy’s dead body in the woods.

Dr. Sullivan explains to Spencer that no one can find TobAy’s body. Spencer proceeds to cry and cry and not even consider the idea that this could be A fucking with her.

Pretty Little Liars Recap 321: Out of Sight, Out of Mind, Out of the Closet

This week on Pretty Little Liars nothing got better and everything got worse. The Liars dug themselves in even deeper and for the most part A stayed out of it and just watched the shit hit the fan.

We open on the starlit town of Rosewood in Spencer’s bedroom, just exactly where we left off last week. Spencer is finally ready to tell the other Liars about TobAy but she doesn’t want to perform without a proper audience. I think this is sort of like how doing karaoke for one person is weird, but doing it for a packed bar is awesome. Spencer manages to wrangle up Emily and Aria, but Hanna is nowhere to be found.

Despite Spencer’s misgivings and overwhelming need for attention, she reveals the big news.

Why isn’t Hanna here for this big moment? Because she’s still dealing with her mom running over Wilden. Speaking of the I Know What You Did Last Summer twins, the two return to their house to make a game plan.

Ashley, because she’s an adult, wants to call the hospital and the police. Hanna, on the other hand, know that the Rosewood Gods need a big juicy secret in order to keep the stars aligned. Somehow Ashley is convinced by her 17 year old daughter that keeping this all a secret is a grand old idea. The a police siren sounds, a dog howls and everything is suspicious and scary.

Back over at Spencer’s, the Liars try to wrap their minds around the news. Aria is pretty signed on from the get-go. I mean, just a few weeks ago she was prepared to believe her dad was A. Aria loves to jump on the A bandwagon.

On the other hand, Emily refuses to believe that TobAy is a bad dude. I mean, why would a man ever hurt someone?! He loves her and nothing says respect and safety like high school love.

The big beautiful sun rises the next day and Emily still isn’t satisfied. At work she calls TobAy and explains she really need to talk to him. Obviously he doesn’t pick up so Emily does what every good lesbian does a just redials over and over again so that when he eventually looks at his phone it say “You have 37 missed calls from Emily.” Classic.

Nothing good can come of this except that TobAy will just convinced Emily that Spencer is insane or something. Fortunately, Emily still has a key to TobAy’s loft in her secret jar of keys. Time to go clue huntin’.

Starsweep to Ezra’s Annex where Aria is still doing that unannounced drop by thing. Guess who’s there? It’s Malcolm, Ezra’s long lost son!

Now that Maggie and Malcolm are getting evicted, Maggie’s decided to try to move the two to Rosewood. I mean, new jobs are just so easy to find these days. Aria tries to excuse herself, because she’s more appropriately aged to be Malcolm’s big sister than his mom, but Ezra insists she stay. Ezra wants to set a good example for his son about age appropriate women.

Starsweep to TobAy’s loft where Emily and Hanna sleuth it out. Well, Emily is sleuthing. Hanna is mostly justing watching TV. Classic Hanna. Hanna is also officially the gayest looking girl in this episode. She’s rocking an outfit she clearly purchased after her foray into the amazing world of dyke night at the gay bar.

Actually, Hanna is only watching the news in case something comes up about Wilden’s death or disappearance. Not because she wants to be informed. Everyone knows being informed is so 2009.

Emily’s pretty ripshit that Hanna isn’t helping. She really just wants to clear TobAy’s name so they can live happily ever after being continuously blackmailed by some unidentified person. I guess she’s torn up because TobAy was apparently such a big part of her coming out. That’s not how I remember it. I remember picture and blackmail being involved. I feel like this is just like how Finn help Santana come out. I want to vomit. Like worse than the time I drank a ton of dirty martinis, ate a bunch of questionable oysters went to sleep and woke up four hours later and boarded a plane. Worse than that time.

Emily finds TobAy’s Radley parking pass, with the name “E. Lamb,” inside a book she gave him. Exactly where A would leave it there for her to find. How are the Liars not getting any better at this?

Back over at Ezra’s, Malcolm, Aria and Ezra are having the best time ever. I mean, who wouldn’t when there are trains involved! Who doesn’t love trains?! Except Taylor.

Just as the trains were reaching maximum fun capacity, Maggie comes home! I’d forgotten that she was Alex Mack and looks exactly the same. Obviously I will henceforth refer to her as Maggie Mack.

Maggie Mack and Ezra try to sort out who’s going to be with Malcolm when that evening. When neither is free, Aria offers to help. That’s right, she’s going to be Ezra and Maggie’s high school baby-sitter. I’d also like to point out that if Emily was ever with a woman as old as Maggie Mack there would be worldwide outrage.

At Spencer’s, we finally get to see why A was making a funeral wreath. Looks like it wasn’t for Wilden, but just to threaten Spencer. Remember the good old days where we never found out what A’s final cut scene shenanigans were about? When we would just watch A have coffee in a diner or something? Those were the days.

Spencer responds by calling an official meeting of the Babysitter’s Club at the Life Cafe. Things are tense because Emily still doesn’t believe TobAy is A. This is getting annoying. I hate naive Emily.

Just then, the Liars notice MonA is hanging around. How dare she order a coffee with delightfully wind swept hair. Spencer stomps right up to her and tries to be direct without actually being direct. You know, saying things like “I got your flowers” instead of “MonA knock it the fuck off and stop harassing me and my friends. It’s a fucking pain in the ass.” MonA says some cryptic weird shit about orchids dying and then gives Emily the major sex eyes.

It’s worth noting that Spencer continues to be styled as “sad Spencer” and still looks better than I do most days of the week.

Timejump to later that day when Aria is searching through all her old toys. Ella stops by the house and wants to know if something weird is going on or Aria is just going to a hipster Transformers party. She also mentions that Ezra called about a job for “a friend” named Maggie Mack who is definitely not his baby-mama, just some woman he knows.

Aria immediately starts lying and saying she doesn’t know who Maggie Mack is or why Ezra might have called Ella looking for a job. Ella isn’t really buying it, but then again she’s not exactly one to ask questions. I wonder if she’s still dating that biker guy.

Starsweep down the block where Emily, still on the hunt, shows up at TobAy’s parents’ house. No one is home but she meets some guy outside. He says he’s just filling in for TobAy on his construction job. Emily presses him for details but Builder Boy doesn’t have the details. Still, he’s a guy between the ages of 15 and 40 living in Rosewood so I imagine he’ll be smooching on one of the Liars by the end of the month.

Spencer spends some significant time staring at the funeral wreath in her living room. All of a sudden, she realizes something that no one else in the world would ever see. It took me two watches before I saw it. This, my friends, is how you get a 1600 on your SATs (or whatever that equals in the newfangled grading system).

Spencer invites Emily over, claiming that the wreath proves that TobAy really is bad. The “Deepest Sympathies” banner is entirely shiny, except an “E” and an “M.”

Spencer takes this to mean Emily is is next on A’s list. Emily takes this to mean that TobAy is probably just planning the most elaborate anniversary gift ever.

Starsweep across town where Ashley Marin is still freaking out about maybe killing Wilden.

Just as she is deeply pondering all this, Ashley thinks she sees Wilden across the street. Or maybe not. It could just be one of the many hallucinations experienced by Rosewoodians based on whatever the fuck is in the water. You never know with this show. Actually, I’m pretty sure she did see him and he’s just on the A team now. Or maybe he always was.

As the longest day ever continues, Hanna joins Aria over at Ezra’s Annex for baby-sitting time. Aria fixes Malcolm a snack, because babysitting is literally the easiest shit ever when you just let the kid play videogames the whole time.

Aria and Hanna finally speculate on why TobAy makes sense as A. Hanna notes that TobAy did manage to bring Dr. Sullivan back in just the knick of time. She, of course, ended up diagnosing MonA with a mental illness that resulted in her going to Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane instead of jail. Finally someone thought to put those pieces together.

Gosh this really is a long day.

F To 7th Is For the Homoneurotic in All of Us

Vanessa’s Team Pick:

I’m the type of person who falls in love with a sweater and then wears that same (hot pink floral print v-neck) sweater every day for two weeks. I’m the kinda gal who loved My Girl so much as a child I insisted my mom rent it for me every single Saturday night, and eventually our local Blockbuster just gave it to us because we “could’ve bought it 10 times over.” (Sorry, Mom!) I eat greek yogurt every single day for breakfast, I’m all about monogamy and I’ve been sleeping with the same teddy bear since I was 8. What I mean to say is, when I like something, I commit. When I fall in love, I fall hard. And when I find these perfect little gems in the every day treasure chest of life, I want to share that feeling of happiness and adoration with the world.

Which is why I have to talk to you about F To 7th again. Have you been watching this “homoneurotic” web series about Ingrid Jungermann and her “descent into lesbian middle age?” You really have to. Seriously, it’s written by Jungerman, the woman who brought us The Slope, the episodes are super funny in that oh god this is so awkward but I can’t look away kinda way, the cast is filled with attractive famous humans like Amy Sedaris and Ann Carr and each episode is approximately 5 minutes so you can watch it before bed without feeling guilty that you’re fucking up your sleep schedule.

The point is this show is very very good, and you should be watching. My favorite episode so far is “Straight Talk,” probably because Gaby Hoffman’s straight young mom character reminds me a bit of myself before I realized I was gay and a bit of myself as I imagine I’ll be once I have a child and while that’s probably not something to be proud of it did make me laugh a lot. Episodes 1-6 are available to watch online and a new episode is released every Monday. It’s the perfect way to start your week!

Pretty Little Liars Recap 320: Hawt Water

This week on Pretty Little Liars Paige and Emily get some major jealousy time followed by some major smooching time. Plus we watch as the show pays homage to — or maybe just completely rips off — a thoroughly mediocre ’90s thriller.

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We pick up the same night we left off just hours after Jason bolted from the hospital. The Liars gather after-hours at the Life Cafe for one of their trusty circle jerks where they try to put all the A pieces together.

Too bad each of them always holds enough back to keep them from getting to the truth. Like how Spencer still hasn’t told the other Liars that TobAy is on the A team. Seriously Spencer, lock it the fuck up.

Detective Wilden busts in and claims Jason’s been making up dirty dirty rumors about him. The worst kind of rumors too — the kind that are true. Wilden is totally annoying because he’s the sort of character writers bring in when they’re temporarily out of bad guys. The useless type.

Aria heads back to her house to find that Wesleywolf has bolted. Remember, he was supposed to sleep over until he accidentally fell onto Aria’s lips.

The next morning, Ashley and Hanna walk to work/school/yogalattes. The two discuss all those TV mother/daughter things like their feelings about other people’s babies and whether asparagus makes your pee smell.

It’s here that they see Detective Wilden shove Cece into his car. Ashely isn’t completely blind so she notices when Hanna freaks out. She tries to get Hanna to explain why she knows that much older girl, but “All my friends sleep with much older men” doesn’t seem to be a good explanation. Hanna fesses up that she and her friends think Wilden knocked up Ali, but doesn’t give the full explanation. This is what drives me nuts. Why lie when there’s no reason not to tell the whole truth? Exposing that Cece filled them in and then Emily found a picture doesn’t expose any secrets or even make Hanna look suspicious.

At the Hastings’ residence, Melissa is still in town! With a fancy new haircut that is super becoming on her. Well, if I were on her I’d be…. you know the rest. Melissa tells Spencer to get out of bed and go to school or else she’s going to have to tell on her to Mom and Pop Hastings. No one wants to make Papa Hastings mad. He only gets like twelve total minutes of screen time per season and it’s a shame to let him spend it all shouting when he could be hiring private investigators or burning evidence.

At school, Emily is looking fresh to death in a plaid shirt with some sort of combo leather/denim jacket on top. Drool. Hanna fills her in on the dramarama of Cece getting shipped off in Wilden’s police car of doom.

Without explaining anything about his Houdini move, Emily says that Jason texted her. He’s laying low in a farm up in the country. Everyone who has ever had a pet gerbil knows that means he’s dead. Either way, Hanna wants to do a little sleuthing and proposes the idea that maybe they should talk to that costume girl. The two decide to hit Paige up for more info after school. I’d rather Emily hit her up for something else after school. Heyooo.

Hanna reveals to Emily about the dice on the collection box dollars and how Caleb’s dad maybe thieving them and all that good stuff. Unless Caleb’s dad ends up being Mona’s secert older boyfriend, this plot line bores me.

After school, Aria is still doing that thing where she shows up at Ezra’s Annex unannounced. She’s on the phone with Wesleywolf telling him they need to talk about their big lipsmack when she realizes someone else is in the apartment.

Who does she find? Wesleywolf? Nope! It’s Ezra.

Aria wants to know why he hasn’t called or texted or gchatted her in weeks. Ezra apologize for shutting Aria out, probably because he’s a person over 25 who has ever been in a relationship. He’s super excited to be back and double plus extra in love with Aria which makes her feel soooo bad for kissing all up on his brother. I mean who does that? Just goes around kissing every werewolf who reads poetry to you in your bedroom. Anyways Ezra wants to discuss his whole big new fatherhood life over dinner.

Starsweep to Rosewood High where Spencer is hiding out in Ella’s classroom of literature and love.

Enter Ella who’s wearing a black jacket she probably stole from her own daughter. Spencer admits to Ella that “things have changed.” I mean, she was half a virgin when she met TobAy!

Outside the school, Hanna and Emily run into Paige. She’s getting into her sweet ride for a mission and doesn’t even ask if Emily wants to come along for some road head.

Ridiculous. Everyone who’s ever been a high school lesbian knows that you’re supposed to invite your girlfriend to do every last thing with you. Emily wants to know how Paige could dare to do something without her. Paige claims she’s on her way to get even more little elf braids put into her hair.

Just kidding! They’re all going to the costume store is Paige’s sweet Toyota Matrix.

Back inside, Spencer rushes into the bathroom trying to hide. Aria, having just been hit by a huge gust of air just as she was putting gel in, spots her and follows her in. Spencer refuses to talk to Aria and hides out in the bathroom stall like a child. Spencer: grow the fuck up.

At the costume shop, it becomes apparent instantly that something fishy is going on between Paige and that biddie Shana. Like sexy fishy. Wait, I mean sexy fishy like there’s history there, not like a bacterial infection or anything. Geez why do you guys always go there?

I hope Paige kissed her on the face as part of some bizarre misguided attempt to get information out of her. Paige is such a sucker for bizarre misguided attempts at stuff. Also how does Rosewood have more lesbians than the entire city of Providence? How is that even statistically possible?

Paige was hoping to wrangle some good info out of Shana, but her lips are now officially closed for business. Apparently all costume documents and transactions are super confidential and for trained costume employees only. I’m curious why no one has tapped the potential for a really good threesome here.

In a stroke of genius, Emily fakes like she has to use the bathroom. She sneaks into the back where, magically, she finds the shop’s computer. Did I say computer? I mean company iPad. She instantly knows how to use the system, despite the fact that nearly all small businesses have shit for computer systems. It’s super user-friendly! This might be the least realistic part of this TV show.

Emily has been on this show for like three seasons, so she knows that when someone says they’re going to the bathroom, that actually means they’re snooping around in back. Her acting skills in the role of “Someone who cares about costumes” are lukewarm at best. Shana immediately knows something is afoot and tries desperately to kick Paige and Hanna out. I think we can all agree that Hanna would have had better luck if she’d attempted the role of “Wants to get on Shana.” Particularly because Shana is smoking hot and, if inviting Paige down to the store only to turn her away says anything, clearly desperate for attention and batshit crazy. I love her already.

The shop’s computer system actually records every person who rents a costume, and Emily finds the Queen of Hearts costume log just as the phone starts to ring in back. What is this?! A dramatic comercial break before we find out what happens?

Top 12 Best “L Word” Episodes Ever

We would not be here today if it wasn’t for The L Word, because it was various online communities developed around that show that eventually evolved into this website! Every now and again, it seems important to revisit our roots, and today we will do so via my Top Twelve Favorite L Word episodes ever. My qualifications to write this list include that I was the L Word recapper for The L Word Online for Seasons 3-5 and hosted Showtime’s L Word vlog Lezberado for Season Six. Also, Ilene Chaiken hates me.

This list was incredibly difficult to put together, especially because so many of my favorite scenes took place in so many terrible episodes. Worse still was the abysmal situation known as “Season Four,” a sprawling mess of nonsense which managed to corrupt one of the series’ best scenes ever — the basketball scene. We popped in 404 (Layup) to screencap it for this top ten, and suddenly I was met with an onslaught of terribleness — Jenny’s bizarre dog adoption to get back at Stacey Merkin situation, a Mount Holyoke student telling Max he’s a freak and storming out of the restaurant, the random Russian Nanny Natasha telling Angus he’s “too hot to be a papa” and then giving him a beejer, Alice’s pursuit of Papi’s solar system, Jodi’s weird art situation and just really so much terribleness I can’t even. So we had to strike it from the list. Luckily we already have a Top 15 L Word Sex Scenes list, so those choices have been made.

I also wanted to include at least one episode per season, otherwise I just would’ve listed all of Season One and included a few photos of Shane’s nipples. These are the important decisions I have to make every day in this job!

Oh, one more thing! Apparently not everybody has seen this show because sometimes people ask me “where to start” with The L Word if you’re watching it for the first time.

Honestly, I’d say you should watch every episode of every season, just like your foremothers before you. If you insist upon an easier way that will require less hours because you’re v. busy and important, my suggestion is below. [Also, some of the recaps from my old recap site have been moved to this site. The formatting is probs weird from the transfer and I was younger/stupider then, but they sure are funny!]

So, for L Word Virgins Who Don’t Want To Watch Every Episode Seventeen Times Like I Did…

Watching The L Word For the First Time – The Fast/Easy Way: 

however you really should watch all of it!

Season One: Season One from start to finish.

Season Two: 201 (Life, Loss, Leaving) for continuity’s sake and to meet Carmen. 204 (Lynch Pin), 205 (Labyrinth), 206 (Lagrimas de Oro), 210 (Land Ahoy!) and 211 (Loud & Proud) ’cause they’re fun, and 213 for continuity’s sake and to meet Sharmen.

Season Three: 301 because obvs, 302 (Lost Weekend), 305 (Lifeline) because sex, 311 (Last Dance) because although it’s pretty terrible, it’s also chock-full of relevant and necessary flashbacks to the early days of Dana Fairbanks, which you must see. Then 312 (Left Hand of the Goddess) because it’s the finale and you always have to watch the finale.

Season Four: I think you could watch the entirety of Season Four while doing other things, like housecleaning, sex, raising children or planning a dinner party. The reason I suggest watching Season Four while washing your vagina or the coffee table is because there are lots of good scenes in it and it’s very fun — especially after the epic downer of Season 3 — but only one good episode (406: Luck Be A Lady) and one pretty-good episode (405: Lez Girls). So if you’re watching Season Four while Henry clips his toenails, start out with the premiere, 401 (Legend in the Making), watch 402 for the papi intro, 403 (lassoed) because it’s fun, 404 (Layup) to meet Paige and Jodi and for the basketball scene, 405 (Lez Girls) (meet Tasha!) 406 (Luck Be A Lady), 408 (Lexington & Concord) for Talice, the parts of 409 (Lacy Lilting Lyrics) where all the girls are in Alice’s bed and 412 (Long Time Coming) because it’s the finale.

Season Five: Start to finish. (The finale is probs the season’s weakest episode, but you need to watch it anyhow.)

Season Six: Let’s just pretend like it never happened!

Now for the list!

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My Favorite 12 “L Word” Episodes Ever

12. 607 – Last Couple Standing

[watch]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Rose Troche (Go Fish)

Season Six, better known as Season SUCKS, was an exercise in slow water torture from which nobody emerged unscathed. Actually I’m not sure if you heard, but Jenny actually died as well. Anyhow, before collectively dying in a metaphorical fire, everybody danced one last time and we all pretended like 607 was the end of the season because 608 was the worst 59 minutes in the history of television for real.

11. 305 – Lifeline

[watch]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Kimberly Pierce (Boys Don’t Cry)

Season Three was a heedless and usually sexless march towards The Untimely Death of Dana Fairbanks, cluttered with other situations such as Bette’s sudden appreciation for flowy tunic frock shirt things. But in 305, the following things happened: Alice had sex with a Vampire, Shane and Cherie Jaffe had reunion pool strap-on sex and I believe also Dylan and Helena took a train to tuna-town.

10. 502 – Look Out, Here They Come!

[watch]

written by Cherien Dabis (Amreeka), directed by Jamie Babbit (But I’m a Cheerleader, Itty Bitty Titty Committe)

After Season Four I was pretty sure The L Word was gonna suck forever, but then Season Five happened! The premiere wasn’t thrilling, so 502 was like the unicorn who comes into the forest on a rainbow of lightbeams and says “there is hope for this show to be good and fun again!” It was funny, is the thing, and opened with the theoretical sex conversation that was probs like a shipper’s dream come true. Also so much sex!

9. 406 – Luck Be A Lady

[watch]

written & directed by Angela Robinson (D.E.B.S, Girltrash)

Praise goddess for Angela Robinson and her ever-loving light of mercy for shining upon our hapless cast for one brief hour in Season Four, is all I can say about this one. It was fun, Papi’s rules of poker are the best rules of poker ever, Tasha and Alice meet and everybody looks very Shane today. I tend to prefer episodes that involve most of the characters convening in the same room and stories about their friendships. We found the opening phone chain so amusing that we filmed our own version of it for funsies/because we’re weird.

8. 210 – Land Ahoy

[watch]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Tricia Brock

Despite fairly consistent decency and a lack of Absolute Suckage, Season Two failed to deliver a flawless episode. It’s actually chock-full of great scenes stuck in lackluster episodes, which’s difficult for me to handle re: this Top 12. The problem with every single Season Two episode is that it inevitably involves a creepy Jenny strangewhisperyintensefeelings carnival/holocaust/sexual assault flashback/dreamscape/short story/The Mourner’s Kaddish. Also; Mark and his “rapey cameras” hang like a dark cloud all season long, but in 210 and 211, Jenny’s reaction to his revelation was some really tough but well-done stuff. Anyhow I haven’t even begun speaking about this episode! I picked Episode 210 for this list because of the cast commentary on the DVD. Real talk: Erin Daniels also hated those pants.

8. 205 – Labyrinth

[watch]

written by Burr Steers (Igby Goes Down, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days) directed by Rose Troche

Unfortunately I couldn’t actually decide whether 205, 210 or 211 should be chosen as tribute to represent their season, but it’s possible 205 is slightly better than 210 (above), especially because it’s much lighter on the BETTY and it’s super-heavy on the Dana-Alice, and by heavy I mean “HOT AND HEAVY.” The serious stuff played well here too — like when Bette’s forced to get emotional comfort from Jenny of all people and it kinda works, and it’s tender and both characters grow a little from it.

7. 302 – Lost Weekend

[watch]

written by A.M. Homes (author, The Safety of Objects, The End of Alice), directed by Bille Eltringham

If I ever lost a weekend, I’d go find it. Or I’d watch “Lost Weekend” and witness Helena hosting a private intervention with Alice’s psychotic Dana-Shrine (she wasn’t even dead yet you guys), Jenny going badass with a stun-gun on the homophobes (“we’re dykes, not faggots you assholes!”) and Shane’s opportunity to explore her softer side via Quinceañera and a giant doily. Jenny’s evolving relationship with Max was still pretty compelling and not-absurdly-problematic at this point, and Dana hadn’t started dying. Also, Carmen’s sexy dance. Also, Alice’s cute bisexual love addict glasses.

6. 103 – Let’s Do It

written by Susan Miller (Anyone But Me), directed by Rose Troche

The Mission To Ascertain The Disposition and Intent of One Miss Lara Perkins. The beginning of The Chart. So everything.

5. 509 – Liquid Heat

[watch]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Rose Troche

The best part of Episode 509 is the part where everybody had sex, and the second-best part is the mafia showdown meeting between SheBar and The Planet.

4. 112 – Looking Back

written by Guinevere Turner (Go Fish), directed by Rose Troche

Watching the Dinah Shore episode will inspire you to think either “I love my lesbian friends so much!” or “I wish I had a fun group of lesbian friends!” Worth it for the flashbacks alone, honestly.

3. 101 – Pilot

teleplay by Ilene Chaiken, story by Ilene Chaiken & Kathy Greenberg & Michelle Abbott, directed by Rose Troche

If you overlook the fact that the show’s first line is, I believe, “I’m ovulating!”, the pilot will always be the ultimate L Word episode. In two well-paced hours, we meet the girls for the first time, Jenny and Marina have passionate ladysex, Bette and Tina rekindle their flame and everybody falls in love with Dana. Also I met Shane and would never be the same again.

2. 510 – Lifecycle

[watch]

written & directed by Angela Robinson

I’d argue that, outside of Season One, Episode 510 is the best overall episode of The L Word ever produced. It’s mercilessly free of ridiculous sub-plots — there’s some Adele nonsense brewing, but nothing too hard to handle — and the overall composition of the episode feels more deliberate and artistic than we usually see. Plus, so much happens in this episode, from Bette’s big reveal to Molly and Shane’s reunion to what’s probably the peak of Jenny’s romance with Nikki, replete with a hot strap-on sex scene. Also the music was good.

1. 114 – Limb From Limb

[buy]

written by Ilene Chaiken, directed by Tony Goldwyn

This episode actually ripped my heart out of my chest, and it did so in such an authentic, honest way. Also contains one of the best sex scenes in the history of television.

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Related:

The L Word Vaults (links to recaps, episode guides, quotes, etc.)

Top Ten “L Word” Guest Stars: From Tegan & Sara to Alan Cumming

Autostraddle Presents “The L Word: WTF!!?” Video Part #2

Autostraddle Presents: “The L Word WTF?!” Video Part #1

The L Word Top Ten (okay, 15) Best Sex Scenes Of All Time

100 Pictures of Shane

Live From Australia: Ten Things I Don’t Understand About “The L Word”

As per ushe, if I’ve left out your favorite episode, be sure to comment as if I have just burned down your house and use lots of punctuation, no punctuation, and as much all-caps as possible! xoxoxo

Glee Episode #414: I Do Wish Santana and Quinn Had Kissed For Real

Hello and welcome to the fourteenth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a delightful family television program about streamers, balloons, glitter guns, paper-hearts and the foolish teenagers who purchase and utilize said decor under the esteemed tutelage of Admiral Tater-Tot, who inspires them to lift every voice and sing. It’s basically Joyful Noise, but without Dolly Parton or Queen Latifah. This week’s episode, entitled “I Do,” paid tribute to 56 of my least-favorite television tropes and provided Finn Hudson with far too much screen time.  In the upcoming words of our Patron Saintess Santana Lopez:

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We open in an aggressively bedazzled Iconoclastic Northwestern Ohio coffee shop, where a yam in a sweater vest is yammering to The New Rachel about his manchild feelings while The New Rachel frets about his frazzled physical appearance and refusal to make eye contact.

Finn confesses that he put his tater on Ms. Pillsbury’s tot and even though she didn’t kiss him back, he’s super self-involved and therefore can’t stop obsessing over it and his inability to be Best Man now that he’s established himself AGAIN as the Worst Man. He proposes telling Mr. Shue, because then Mr. Shue can be as miserable as Finn is and they can start an a capella blues jam group and spin off into outer space.

The New Rachel insists he keeps this slip-up on the DL and suggests Finn was motivated by his despair over her budding romance with a shirtless dicknail, but Finn insists not everything’s about her. Which’s unfortunate, because that’d be a hell of a lot more entertaining than everything being about Finn!

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We then swing on over to Emma’s office, where her private freakout over seating charts and the precise arrangement of items on her desk is interrupted by a stack of chili-cheese-fries named Finn Hudson and his manchild feelings. Finn’s unsure he can handle being a best man because he kissed Emma and also, incidentally, is totally not the best man. You know who the best man is? This is who The Best Man is:

Emma’s got no time for this:

Emma: “Look I’m really sorry I don’t have a pamphlet ready for you right now but I’m pretty sure if I did, it would say something like, “Get Over It,” okay?”

Emma suggests Finn’s best course of action is to stay the fuck away and shut the fuck up, at which time Mr. Shue pops in to grace the room with his gummy smile and tasteful cardigan and to not help his wife feel one iota better about a goddamn thing.

Emma begs for seating chart help but he’s gotta run to Glee practice which brings us to…

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…The Glee Room!

The students greet their Prodigal Father with unnecessary levels of good cheer, including an embarrassing-for-all-of-us “Holla!” from Artie, and subsequently respond to Mr. Shue’s gratitude towards Finn Hudson with even stronger levels of unnecessary good cheer.

Mr. Shue incites a near-riot of enthusiasm when he announces that week’s theme will be “WEDDING!!!!!”

Mr. Shue explains that because Emma’s handling all the WEDDING!!!! planning, he’ll be handling all the planning of the WEDDING!!!! music, which he promptly handles by asking the children to do it for him.

Infathomably he also asks a baked potato to eschew a Best Man Speech in favor of A Best Man Song, which’s a good or bad thing depending on where you come down on the “What’s Worse: Finn Singing or Finn Talking” Debate of 2012.

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We then cut to The Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High where Emma’s on her knees in green dish gloves eliminating the faint suggestion of the faint suggestion of the possibility of a potential future involving, in some way maybe, Asian Bird Flu.

Emma’s also giving Artie the low-down on her blonde niece, Betty, who will be sitting adjacently to Artie at the WEDDING!!!!!! and also has giant knockers. I’m imagining something like this, mayhaps?

JK, Betty is blonde, so it’s not Betty Boop, it’s probs Betty McRae:

Wait! WAIT I KNOW WHO IT IS. It’s Betty of “Betty and Veronica,” a comic about lesbian lovers pretending to be straight:

Anyhow, we’ll just have to wait and see because elsewhere in the Hallowed Hallways, Marley-Kate and New Puck are speaking words to each other while everybody who cares listens really hard and everybody who doesn’t care sticks their face in a tub of squalid pickle juice for the next 45 seconds.

For Valentine’s Day, Marley-Kate made New Puck special cufflinks out of a typewriter and New Puck pretends like he’s got something special for her, too, but he’s obviously lying and was totally planning on gifting her a Dick in a Box. Luckily Ryder Bieber-Strong is gonna pull a Brian Krakow this episode and puppet-master New Puck through making Valentine’s Week a Magical Moment for Marley-Kate.

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Elsewhere in this crumbling monument to educational tomfoolery, Finn’s summoned The New Rachel to the auditorium to help him choose a WEDDING!!!! song from the Wedding Song Box.

The New Rachel suggests Finn improve his song by duetting with somebody who can actually sing, like The New Rachel. Finn smarmily adds that they’ve got some “pretty dangerous musical chemistry,” which inspires The New Rachel to assert that she’s in a mature open relationship now so the only danger she’s worried about is the danger we’re all worried about, which is random lunatics opening fire in a crowded room of civilians. Amirite?

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Cut to, I believe, History of The American Bald Eagle class, apparently taught now by Mr. Shue, who’s been back at McKinley for about 47 minutes but whatever.

Just in case all this eagle-talk wasn’t already inspiring students to hop the first train to snoozeville, New Puck interrupts this educational situation to perform a song declaring his love for Marley.

New Puck, Ryder Bieber-Strong, Sam and Artie, dressed like cupcakes and accompanied by a puppy-eyed Marley-Kate, then treat us to an unfortunate rendition of Marvin Gaye’s “You’re All I Need (To Get By)” while students lob heart-shaped glitter and other discount party store paraphernalia onto the happy couple.

Luckily, the song ends and then so does the scene!

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We then journey through space, time, and sixty thousand centuries of Industrial progress to The Church for Emma and Will’s WEDDING!!!!.

Santana Lopez, who must be fucking Kara Thrace for all the air travel she’s managed to squeeze into her budget these days, shows up with Quinn Fabray and promptly declares herself and the dead bear on her shoulders “clearly the hottest bitch in this lousy joint,” which coincidentally is a fair representation of this show in general. Her alleged “best friend” a few rows up offers a meek hello and Santana throws some shade their way.

Despite her overwhelming hotness, Santana moans, she’s stuck here all alone with Quinn, and Quinn just-so-happens to be wearing a holy jacket created to memorialize the great battle of Glitter Vs. Gay.

Quinn asks if Santana would like to be slapped again, and instead of saying “Yes! Harder!” Santana continues bitching about how much she hates weddings and Valentine’s Day, which was “invented by breeders to sell cheap chocolate and false hope.” AMEN, sister. “Do you know what I hate?” Quinn asks. “Men. Every single one of them.” AMEN, SISTER! Actually the sentence is longer than that, but who cares.

She goes on to declare all men pigs, except Mr. Shue and Al Roker. Listen Quinn, I’ve got an advanced degree in Professional Man-Hating, which means I keep a handy list on my desk of Men I Don’t Hate, and lemme tell you who’s not on it: Mr. Shue and Al Roker. Lemme tell you who is on it: Ira Glass, Stephen Dunn, Sam Anderson, my brother Lewis and Obama, sometimes. Mr. Shue is totally weird and Al Roker said my least favorite p-word on television.

Quinn declares she’s done letting men define her and reminds all of you ladies at home that “a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” Coincidentally, a woman without a man is also a woman without a Glee storyline, but whatever.

Santana: “Al Roker is disgusting, by the way.”

AAAAAAAAAAAMMENENENNNNNNNNN.

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Pretty Little Liars Recap 319: What Becomes of the Broken-Hearted Crazy Ladies

This week on Pretty Little Liars, Caleb and Hanna bring their relationship to new and improved even higher lesbian levels and I spend the whole episode worried about my Friday Brain Sciences Exam.

We open in the hallowed halls of Rosewood High, where our Liars discussing Spencer McCriesalot. Looks like she hasn’t been coming to class or even *gasp* the academic decathlon team practice.

Around the corner, Team Dictator MonA has one of her new lackies tell Spencer she’s donesville. More importantly, it’s reveled that Spencer has officially entered the “ugly sweater” phase of mourning the loss of TobAy. It took a while, but I finally figured out this guys name is Andrew. Let’s see here. We’ve got a new guy who’s almost as smart as Spencer phased in just in time for the big TobAy revele. What’s the under/over on how many episodes until he and Spencer bone? I’m guessing 2 episodes max. I hope they have them do it to “Bittersweet Symphony” by The Verve.

Spencer is so angry she decides to just open and slam shut her locker over and over again until she feels better. When this proves ultimately unfruitful, she resigns to talking to Emily.

Emily wants to hang out after school and paint their toenails together but Spencer already has plans to longingly look at old pictures and wallow in self pity. She goes to storm out of school but just as she’s putting on her sunglasses there’s a note from A.

Ugh, I hate when A makes them hate on each other. I only like it when A forces Emily out of the closet or forces Aria to tell Ezra about his baby situation. C’mon A, let’s up the entertainment value here and force Emily to take Paige to a Tegan and Sara concert or something.

After school at the Life Cafe, Aria and Hanna obsess over totally different problems while Emily works like a real person. There’s a lot of bending over going on.

Aria wants to help Spencer with all of her deep emotional feelings about having feelings about her feelings. Hanna, on the other hand, wants to get all up in Caleb’s business. She’s still dwelling on the Caleb’s UncleDad issue. Hanna thinks she can track down Caleb’s uncle, Jamie, and prove he’s Caleb’s dad, and then Caleb will be happy forever. Aria suggests Hanna stay the fuck out of it.

If she really wants to make Caleb happy she can just buy him a new Sleater-Kinney CD and a Form 6. Oddly, as the two are sorting it all out, Ezra’s mother calls Aria and asks about Wesleywolf. Aria tells her that she has no clue where Wesleywolf is hiding out. Even though she totally knows he’s at Ezra’s Annex. Liar liar pants on fire. As usual.

Elsewhere, in between dropping it super low to buss tables, Emily runs into Cece. Emily asks her if she knows whether Ali might have been doing the nasty with Wilden. Cece denies ever seeing the two bump uglies, but claims every idiot and their brother wanted on Ali. Emily’s like, “As if” and then jots down some lines in her notebook to incorporate into her new book, Fifty Shades of Alison.

Cece: Yeah, and four million other Delta Phis and they all wanted to rush Ali.

Over at the Hastings’ residence, Spencer is making nearly the grossest smoothie of all time. I’ve had more conversations with PLL fans this week about this smoothie than any other topic including, “Who the fuck is A.”

Spencer is either pregnant or aiming for “death by carrots.” I guess she could also be on a Fruit Feast which is what the yoga girls in my med school call a fruit fast. Nerdy Andrew swings by and tries to explain why it’s totally not his fault that Spencer got kicked off the team.

Andrew explains that BOTP, the team doesn’t need Spencer anyways. He’s apparently so fucking good at history. Spencer challenges him to a history trivia match. He’s not interested. So Spencer proposes that they play strip trivia. He’s still not very interested. I’m very interested.

I’m not sure how I never thought to play strip trivia in college, but I wish I had. I would have ended up a lot less naked then all those games of strip poker.

Up at a mysterious ranch, Hanna tracks down Caleb’s uncle Jamie. In approximately 2.4 seconds it’s confirmed that Jamie is, indeed, Caleb’s father. Jamie wants to tell Caleb, but he has a dark past involving a police record for petty theft. Hanna is mortified, which is hilarious since she got busted for petty theft in season one.

Back over at Naked Nerd Central, Spencer and Andrew go tit for tat until Andrew gets Spencer down to tit. Well sort of. She does that all important “take your bra off under your shirt” move. You know the move I’m talking about.

We’re just one wrong question away from seeing Troian Bellisario goodies when Emily stops by.

Emily, normally I love you, but please stop ruining this for us right now.

Emily wants to know what the fuck is going on with Spencer’s spiral. She also unfortunately implies that Spencer was only getting naked with Naked Trivia Andrew to get back at TobAy. C’mon Emily, that’s pretty anti-feminist. There are lots of reasons Spencer might be rushing into a new sexual relationship. Like to piss off her parents or seem cool to her friends.

Emily keeps insisting that whatever happened with TobAy couldn’t be that bad. I’m unclear as to why the writers don’t have Emily appropriately hating men. Don’t they know anything about lesbians? Mostly Emily just wants Spencer to knock it the fuck off and get her head back in the game. Like any game at all. Except that smoothie game, because that shit was really gross looking. I think getting her head back in that strip trivia game is probably a solid plan.

This was a good moment. To quote Riese, via email to the whole team, “Holy shit Emily Fields is finally yelling at somebody for real and it’s awesome.”

Emily is so over it. Me too.

Post-Lip Service Ennui: BBC Looks To Improve LGB Representation

feature image via Diva Mag

Thanks to the BBC’s axing of lesbian drama series Lip Service in mid-January, we are left looking forward to two new BBC Three dramas, Being Human and In The Flesh; shows about an interspecies, supernatural flatshare and the rehabilitation of treated zombies have replaced everyone’s favourite emotionally unstable Glaswegian ladies. As Diva magazine pointed out last month, monsters don’t pay license fees or sign petitions making this a particularly frustrating prioritisation of the apparently sexier but heterosexual undead.

Whereas our only way to stop Lesbian Vampire Killers is not to watch them or write angry reviews on Amazon, the BBC has a bit more responsibility when it comes to LGBT drama; it is publicly held accountable for its programming, both by the reports it commissions and by external campaigning bodies like Stonewall. Since everyone who has a TV in the UK pays to fund the BBC –  whether they watch its programmes or not – it has a recognised obligation to lead the way in reflecting the country’s makeup fairly. People also have a strong investment in — and campaign for the improvement of — its representations of disabled people and ethnic minorities.

In November, the BBC commissioned an update of their 2010 report on LGB representation that calls for real change, consulting nine experts and campaigning bodies. With no petticoat-rustling lesbian historical dramas like Tipping the Velvet or Fingersmith up the BBC’s sleeves this year – let alone a sex-accented new series – this report is a refreshing recognition of how the BBC could do better. Disappointingly, the BBC have followed Stonewall, who reported on LGB representation in 2006’s Tuned Out, in excluding Trans* people from the report. Though Stonewall has a pretty controversial record on Trans* issues, the BBC has failed to explain why the report is LGB, not LGBT. Encouragingly, they’ve started an open competition for writers and actors for a TV pilot with transgender themes, suggesting that at least they see a hole in their coverage, even if they’ve shied away from discussing it publicly.

While depictions of Trans* people are mostly limited to Channel 4’s reality series My Transsexual Summer, out lesbian and bisexual women present huge swathes of British TV at the moment, as the report acknowledges. Claire Balding was all over the Olympics coverage this summer, her civil partner Alice Arnold presented the BBC Radio 4 News for twenty years, Sandi Toksvig and Susan Calman joke about being ‘the lesbian team’ on QI, a comedy quiz show. Sue Perkins is ubiquitous for munching supersize and historical snacks and for taking part in panel show, and Mary Portas is on a one-woman, spike-heeled crusade to take over the British high street and fashion industry and run it properly. Although all these women have spoken openly about their personal lives and partners and a few even have masculine-of-centre presentations, they are all white middle-aged women and apart from the always-outspoken Sandi Toksvig, most of them probably don’t read as lesbian or bisexual to casual viewers.

Where the BBC falls down is in integrating lesbian and bisexual characters and topics into drama, factual programs and especially young people’s programming. Skins (over on semi-commercial Channel 4) and Lip Service deserved their popularity, managing to be fun, sensitive and sexy without being completely unrealistic (although Frankie’s systematic de-queerification/surprise personality transplant lost this Skins fan along the way). But since they’ve left, nothing new has come along to fill the gap. Budget cuts to BBC drama provision last year aren’t exactly encouraging for the future. The report on BBC LGB coverage is measured, but fairly damning, saying that lesbians are “relatively invisible compared to the level of coverage of gay men” and that “Gay and bisexual men seem relatively happy with the TV they consume…lesbian and bisexual women perhaps less so.” Perhaps most telling, one of the study’s key findings was that “representation is still so unusual that it stands out when it is included.” None of this is news to anyone watching BBC programmes, especially their drama and factual programming. Two years after the first independent report, the main improvement is in the public appetite for, rather than the provision of, LGB characters (which, it’s notable, only 15% of the BBC’s independently-run audience reaction panel Pulse are uncomfortable with, down from 19%). Excitingly, the BBC has been asked to be “more creative and bolder…taking care to steer clear of stereotypes.” Yet after the complaints about Lip Service’s brave forays into topless sex scenes before the first episode’s opening credits, and its second series ratings drop, it might be a case of once bitten, twice shy.

Another of the BBC’s findings – that there should be more LGB representation in children’s television – is worth exploring. Doctor Who, although not really a children’s programme, is well-known for having LGB characters fitting naturally into storylines thanks largely to Russell T. Davies, who also wrote the gay drama series Queer As Folk. Steven Moffat, who’s drawn some controversy with his representations of LGBT characters in Sherlock, especially Irene Adler, is continuing that tradition. Sexy Silurian lizard lady Madame Vestra and her partner Jenny were on at tea time on Christmas Day and judging by the handful of complaints received, shocked approximately no one. Extra encouraging, though, was a well-thought-out lesbian storyline last Friday on The Dumping Ground, an after-school children’s drama about kids in care.

The storyline may focus on a same-sex couple wanting to foster a character, but their relationship is really just a backdrop to action. They’re shown as warm and loving to each other, but the issue is whether Gus, who has Asperger’s Syndrome, can trust them, and handle the change of moving. The other childrens’ reactions are realistic but not nasty; one says that “they’re not proper parents,” and another asks, “people are already down on us because we’re in care – what will they say when they realise we’re living with lesbians?” One boy goes out of his way to criticise the couple, falling out with his sister for trying to put Gus off leaving, but is later shown to be feeling rejected after being abandoned by his parents. The childrens’ argument adds up to the idea that it is better to have a family than not, and since none of them have experienced a normal family, they can’t know whether you need a father or not – a mature conclusion that doesn’t heavy handedly say same-sex parents are better or worse, but admits that no one really knows for sure.

And that’s precisely why people shouldn’t worry about LGBT characters in children’s TV. Children will accept them and move on because they are adults, and adults are fundamentally a bit boring compared to aliens or pirates or magic sea sponges. The BBC may have axed Lip Service, and have run out of Sarah Waters books to dramatize (bar the lesbian-free Little Stranger), but they do seem to be making a commitment to representing LGB people and admitting that they could do better. Under budget pressures, specifically LGB-themed dramas look like they’ll get cut and fragmented into characters and episodes scattered across mainstream drama, reaching more people, even if they’ll touch fewer.

Glee 413 Recap: Diva Cups!

Hello and welcome to the thirteenth recap of the fourth abysmal season of Glee, a comedic romp about what happens when a tight-knit group of musical adolescents eat nothing but Noxzema for an entire year and stop wearing underwear. The weirdest part, to be honest with you, is the Potatonik steering the ship, and the second-weirdest part is all the faces these kids keep making:

Anyhow, this episode everybody fought over who could wear the most rhinestones and dead animals at the same time. It was called “Diva,” named after, OBVIOUSLY, Diva Cups. I prefer ob tampons, but to each her own. For example, Marley-Kate prefers Tampax Radiant for some reason:

http://youtu.be/VRfvCHRVmdY

Anyhow, enough about vaginas, it’s time to talk about Glee!

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We open in what appears to be an actual classroom at Fake Julliard, wherein Bitchy Gay Boy #1, Bitchy Gay Boy #2, Kurt Hummel and ten or so extras of indiscriminate age are enjoying Free Sing, which’s absolutely nothing like Free Swim, FYI.

It’s like this:

Kurt monologues that since The New Rachel’s triumph at Winter Musical Lalala Singing Lilting Lyrics Showcase Time, her insufferabiltiy level’s been on blast: she hogs the pool during Free Sing, uses all the hot water, clogs the sink with the stringly discards of her Ombre situation and likely commits a dozen other water-related crimes. She probably pees in the ocean, too. That’s what divas do. Divas pee in the ocean.

Furthermore, says Kurt’s brain, The New Rachel surrounds herself with “sycophants,” aka Bitchy Gay Boy #1 and Bitchy Gay Boy #2, who, by the way, insist Rachel must audition for the Funny Girl revival ’cause she was “born to play Fanny Brice.”

Kurt has a plan:

Kurt: “This Sarah Brightman in training needs to be knocked down a few pegs and I’m the only one who can do it.”

Mhm. You know who else has a plan?

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We then adorn ourselves in fluffy snowsuits with generous hoods and sled all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Apollo Career Center, where Emma’s advising Finn that the solution to his “we need a powerhouse like Rachel/Santana/Mercedes to win Regionals” problem is to host an internal Diva-themed competition.

Basically, everybody will have to put a Diva Cup inside them, and whoever fills theirs up the fastest; wins. Just kidding! It’s just gonna be like all the other episodes but at the end somebody will get a prize and it’ll probs seem a tad arbitrary, but we’ll enjoy it just the same!

Finn announces, using language reminiscent of my Olive Garden Manager Mike’s inspirational speeches about selling Create-a-Sampler Italianos, that “Diva Week is all about finding your inner powerhouse.”

Emma: “Diva. The online Urban Dictionary defines a diva as “a fierce, often temperamental singer who comes correct. She is not a trick-ass ho and she does not sweat the haterz.”
New Puck: “Great, so I guess the guys are screwed this week.”
Blaine: “Um, guys can be divas.”
Emma: “That’s right, we all have inner divas. I myself have been considered quite a diva at many a local restaurant because I know what I want and I will send a dish back.”

Unique suggests her classmates better step off because there’s only two ways to spell Unique, and one of them is “D-I-V-A” which, for the record, definitely does NOT spell “Unique.” There’s only one way to spell Unique. This show is confusing.

Also confusing: why is it okay for Tina Cohen-Chang to say “I have more diva in my little finger than you have in your whole angry inch, Wade-Unique”? Here’s the answer: IT’S NOT, which’s why Marley-Kate’s immediate assertion that Tina’s “unchecked” smack-talk is “about to end” is encouraging to us  — is Marley-Kate gonna take a stand against transphobia? Haha just kidding, her smack-talk is about to end because it’s time for a musical number!

It’s “Diva” by Beyoncé!

Marley-Kate’s dressed like the lovechild of Phyllis “Pizzazz” Gabor, Jane Fonda and Ziggy Stardust, Blaine’s doing Michael Jackson On Ice and somebody’s draped three dead wolves over Unique’s divalicious shoulders.

Fake Quinn is like a slutty Queen of the Emerald City and I love it.  Tina and Brittany are practicing to be the cake toppers for Cher and She-Ra’s lesbian wedding.

We then return to The Glee Room…

Emma: “…and that is how I made the manager cry at The Cheesecake Factory. For being a diva.”

Aw. Emma is such a critter.

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Starsweep over all of the things in the whole world until we arrive at the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, where Kurt’s had just about enough of The New Rachel’s demands for tea with a wee bit of honey. The duo begins squabbling, because it’s the Diva Episode.

Kurt dishes out some real talk about The New Rachel’s attitude, likening it to old-school Lima Rachel, but Rachel’s really in full-throttle-bitch mode today. She reminds Kurt that she got him into Winter Showcase in the first place, and Kurt counters that despite her “win,” HIS performance was the one “everybody” was talking about. And by “everybody” he means tumblr.

Kurt challenges The New Rachel to a rematch at “Midnight Madness,” which’s clearly not the same situation as the probs delightful Disney movie Midnight Madness, starring Michael J Fox in his first film role. This “Midnight Madness” is a sing-off or something. The New Rachel insists Kurt will lose, just like he lost in Season One.

Kurt blasts back that the only reason Rachel beat him in Season One’s Diva-Off is ’cause Kurt threw it on purpose, hoping to save his father the humiliation of having to watch his son sing a lady-song or whatever wacky plot situation they pulled off that week. Rachel is “crushed” to hear this, having based her entire ego apparently on that one episode. Weird.

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Cut to the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where X-Tina’s presenting her Gaycrush Blaine with a Winter Cold kit which includes NyQuill, Chinese Chicken Soup and other shit, but probs not porn. Illness kits should ALWAYS include porn, X-Tina.

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Back in the Glee room, Blaine, dressed like a Village Person, catapults into animated life at the piano for a rousing rendition of Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now.”

Then Finn & Emma open their mouths and words come out, words about DIVAs. More importantly, Finn’s called in a Special Guest Diva — who could it be?

Nope, it’s not Raven-Symone! Also it’s not Celine Dion, FYI. THEN WHO IS IT?

Pretty Little Liars Recap 318: Who’s Dead To Me At The Door

Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the most lesbian show on television to regularly not feature any actual lesbian content whatsoever. This week we ask the question “Who’s At the Door?” so many times we start to wonder exactly what show we are watching.

We open at 6:15am at the Life Cafe where the Liars are all super miserable before school. Spoiler alert: everyone spends this whole episode sad forever.

To start this off right, Aria has tons of feelings because Ezra has left to see his son. Aria literally can’t get past herself to imagine what this might be like for Ezra. As previously mentioned, I think this is a good thing because, um, sons trump girlfriends. Particularly when you’ve never met him before. And you’re in your twenties. And your girlfriend is a high school student. And she’s being stalked by a psychopath. And she wears car parts as jewelry.

Getting up for a hot sexy coffee refill, Spencer gets a text from her private investigator Secret Agent Man who has all sorts of TobAy key details. According to a commenter on the last recap, this is the same super secret detective sleuthman who Ali hired to figure out who was stalking her in the The Days of The Flashbacks. I guess Rosewood only has one private investigator. I’d bet a cat he was also the person Spencer’s parents hired to dig up dirt on Melissa. I’d bet a second cat that Mona has this guy on speed dial under the name PI In My Pocket Who Reports to Me.

Jason is on payroll today and strolls into The Life Cafe with Big Ali News. Since Ali’s body was dug up on the Halloween Ghost Ride of Lesbosexy Feelings, they’re reburying her. Again. Looks like there’s a ceremony. Again.

Jason has arranged for the Liars to attend Ali’s Hundredth Mourning of Sadtimes Murder Death Ceremony. Unfortunately, Spencer is all set with Ali’s death. I tend to agree it’s probably not healthy to keep opening old wounds. Then again it’s probably not safe to be constantly stalked by a theoretical murderous texter who is maybe also your dead best friend.

Everyone sort of wants to be like, “Spencer, stop being the worst,” but instead they just let her storm out and move on with their lives. Besides, it’s 7:05am which means it’s time for the half hour walk and talk to school. Aria and Hanna rush over to school for their early morning 1976 disco fashion walk off.

The two worry about how they still have some of Ali’s things. You know, things that were originally buried along with Ali but instead A has is planted piece by piece to attempt to frame the Liars. Also Aria is going to go lie around at Ezra’s apartment after school. Yeah that sounds like an A++ crazytown idea.

Starsweep to the locker set where MonA confronts Spencer. MonA is concerned Spencer’s off her A game. Get it?

MonA is having the most fun ever fucking with Spencer. Particularly because MonA knows exactly what’s what with the big TobAy reveal. Is it weird if I like our new A in action MonA the best?

Spencer, on the other hand, is letting Mona completely get to her. Now, this would be a great time to go talk to the school counselor or the principal and claim that Mona threatened her. I mean, who are they going to believe? Might as well play dirty too. But instead Spencer just stews in it.

Hanna finds Caleb alone in a classroom with all of his feelings. Caleb has some complicated backstory about his aunt who put him in foster care. Honestly I can’t remember if this is new or if I was supposed to know it already. Either way, Caleb’s been invited to come search through all the old things at the house and decide if he wants anything.

After school, Aria hangs around Ezra’s in the creepiest was possible. Like in his bed listening to music. I’m not going to say this is totally creepy, because technically they’re still together and he made her a key. I’d say it’s worse than sneaking over to your girlfriend’s house to do your laundry, but not as bad as showing up drunk to your ex’s in the middle of the night dressed like a pirate. Yeah, somewhere in the middle.

She’s about four minutes from rolling around in a heap of Ezra’s clothing when there’s a knock at the door. Who’s at the door? It’s Ezra’s werewolf brother Wesleywolf!

His American accent is 25% better but his excuse for being at Ezra’s is 100% worse. Something about fumigating the dorms at St. John’s Academy for Vampires and Werewolves. Aria becomes uncomfortable and tries to leave, what with the small shrine of Ezra’s chewed gum she’s started, but Welsleywolve suggests Aria stick around instead. They can be BFFLs.

Spencer meets up with Secret Agent Man in one of Rosewood’s many sketchy back alleys. They talk and he reveals dramatically that he’s been tracking TobAy’s credit card. Looks like TobAy bought hydrangeas before skipping town. Or something. I promise I really trying my hardest to care. The Secret Agent Man wants a million dollars to track the key to a specific door. Spencer’s unsure. A million dollars is a lot, but she, like everyone in Rosewood, and the world, wants to know who the fuck is at the door.

Emily stops by the police office slash Pam’s new work place to snag a picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of Officer Wildenmansir at everyone in Rosewood’s favorite vacay spot, Cape May. The photo is gone, but Emily ends up with early dinner plans with her mom which, in my homesick opinion, is even better.

Before the two can leave, Emily finds a French postcard from A in her mom’s purse. But what does it say?! What indeed?! If only I wasn’t one of those Americans who speaks only 1.002 languages. FYI, the .002 of a language is Chinese so that’s not much help here.

The next day, after an all important costume change into the most lesbian outfit of the episode, Emily decides to bring in some French reinforcements.

Emily probably could have just used Google Translate, but I’m guessing she wanted to air out her shoulders side by side with Spencer. She swings by Spencer’s bedroom of misery and despair to find Spencer eating all of the ice cream in the house and watching The Notebook.

Emily reveals that the postcard is one of 25 postcards she put as mementos in Ali’s casket. I mean, not the French, just the postcard. Wait, as a token of her everlasting love and friendship, Emily put 25 blank postcards in her friend’s casket? I have no clue.

Emily attempts to read the postcard but fails miserably in basically the cutest way ever. Spencer tells Emily to stop freaking out until she reads it. She then proceeds to put on the sexiest French accent ever and we all melt and leave the room to change our underwear.

The postcard essentially calls Emily a murder. We’re supposed to immediately understand that this is in reference to Emily’s kerfuffle with Lyndonate. I sort of air-balled that one and spent the next five minutes trying to figure out who the hell Emily was supposed to have killed. My bad. Emily knows exactly what this is all about, understandably, shocked and scared. Spencer, who’s currently claiming a monopoly on being sad, tells Emily she shouldn’t feel bad, and that she only killed Lyndonate in self defense. Spencer pushes all of Emily’s feelings on the back burner and proceeds to eat an entire carton of Cherry Garcia. Instead of telling Spencer to stop being an insensitive prick and get the fuck over TobAY, Emily just tells her that maybe something else happend. Maybe Spencer has the whole TobAy situation wrong because men are amazing flawless creatures brought to earth to make women happy.

Emily explains to Spencer that last week Hanna thought Paige was hooking up with another girl. Even though it looked really suspicious and Emily briefly thought Paige was cheating on her, the two talked about it and realized it was all a big misunderstanding. Paige was just flirting with the costume shop’s clerk. Much like how there’s only one private investigator, one police detective and one psychiatrist, there’s also only one costume shop owner. And she’s got a big lesbian crush on Paige. At least the lack of costume shop choices explains why everyone keeps wearing that creepy baby ghoul costume.

Also I’m so annoyed this whole situation was resolved off-screen without us getting to hear any lesbosexy feelings talk.

Aria and Hanna hang around in Hanna’s bedroom talking about boys and stuff. I kind of tuned this part out because I had just refreshed my mango salsa, but basically Aria thinks Wesleywolf is a hot snob who loves money. Aria is worried Wesleywolf is too comfortable with/attached to his trust fund. I would be attached to my trust fund too if I had one. Also Hanna convinced Caleb to go to his aunt’s house and dig through old toys and feelings.

Elsewhere, Emily has magically transported through time and space to the only psychiatrist’s office in town. I guess Dr. Shrink is taking same day appointments. Despite the fact that Emily has no reason to believe that anything she says will be confidential, she figures it’s time for some help.

You know, because at the midseason finale she killed someone. Yeah yeah yeah, it was totally in self-defense. Completely justified and that’s important to keep in mind. But jeez, if the writers were going to pretend that Emily could have a totally traumatic incident and not have any residual symptoms they must have thought their audience was girls ages 12-17. Oh. Right. Dr. Shrink responds with a couple of truly inspired facial expressions such as this:

and this:

and this:

Riveting shit.

Dr. Shrink suggests hypnotherapy. Not to bring back old memories (which, duh, is going to happen) but to reframe the ones she already has. Or something. I’m not really sure this is a thing. I think doing some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy twice a week is a better idea. Maybe some Lexapro later on if she still feels anxious. But what do I know?

Back at the bedroom of misery and despair, Spencer is more convinced than ever that her screen time is best spent crying along to soft music. This time I couldn’t Shazam the song fast enough, but imagine it was like Sarah McLachlan meets Adele. She resolves to pay the Secret Agent Man the one million dollars and have him dig up more info on where TobAy’s key leads.

Starsweep to the next day where our second favorite lesbian couple throw on their fanciest farmer chic to go through Caleb’s old things.

Caleb’s uncle lets them in and he and Hanna bond over old children’s books. Hanna, clearly projecting her own abandonment issues onto the situation, asks Caleb’s uncle a series of inappropriate and invasive questions. Caleb’s uncle is pretty aloof about the whole situation, but he seems to genuinely care about Caleb. It’s pretty awkward. I mean, Hanna, who do you think you are? A first year medical student?

Starsweep to bustling downtown Rosewood where Jason runs into Spencer. She’s taking one million dollars out of the bank account cash money. Jason really wants Spencer to come by Ali’s Hundredth Mourning of Sadtimes Murder Death Ceremony. Spencer still isn’t convinced. I feel like this is a good time for us to remember that Spencer and Jason are half siblings. You’d think Spencer would care more. Oh wait, I just remember that Spencer lives in Taylor Swift Land where the only thing that matters is crying about boys.

Bomb Girls 206 Recap: Super Special Sexy Edition

This week on Bomb Girls, half of my early season predictions came true, and there was hardcore lesbian kissing! And post-coital lesbian processing! On primetime television! Granted this is Canada, land of my ancestors and their relatively agreeable relationship with gay sex, but it was so awesome. To celebrate, this is a Super Special Sexy Edition of Bomb Girls recaps, so hold onto your boy briefs and your glitter handcuffs.

Witham Foods is sponsoring a radio show to raise war bonds, which is the 1940s equivalent of putting on a Youtube special with a kickstarter. Except instead of getting an Original Plumbing sticker or a handwritten postcard made from recycled zines as a thank you, you get a spatula set. Fun fact: Spatulas make great floggers.

Kate is going to be singing in a trio at Ye Olde Fundraiser, and can I just reiterate: Is everyone at this factory musically talented? Why hasn’t there been a musical episode yet? And not just because I want to see a choreographed number involving Betty, all the VicMu homos, and Do It Like A Dude.

Ivan is watching this situation from the piano, and he takes Kate’s hand when they’re done to indicate that she and him are in the serious business. This is a recreation of my reaction to this gesture:

There’s a soldier lady who is organizing the bond selling, and you know that thing where you see a cute lady but you can’t tell if she plays for your team, so you give the lingering look that indicates you’re super into it but trying to not be rude? Betty and the soldier lady are doing that thing.

I call it the Intense Lesbian Gaze.

Over at Ye Olde Hospital, a famous actress named DeDe is there as part of the bond tour to raise the everyone’s spirits. She looks a lot like Regina from Once Upon A Time. For the record, I don’t watch that show, but maybe I read the fanfic. Maybe.

Sergeant Dickhole is there as the official Famous Lady Escort. I’m going to be real: Gene is definitely a giant asshole, but he’s a complicated giant asshole. He’s actively experiencing flashbacks and PTSD that explain the exasperation of his self-destructive selfish behavior, and there’s something a little heartbreaking about watching someone like this fall apart, even if he’s a general douche.

Vera and Lorna are being Head Bitches In Charge in the office, trying to figure out how they are going to beat out everyone else for the most war bonds. Vera, Flawless Queen of the Universe, thinks they should get fireworks, because hey, we all know how much homos like blowing stuff up:

Over at Ye Olde Factory Floore, Betty and Ivan have the face-off we’ve all been expecting. Unfortunately, Betty does not tear off her uniform to reveal a gilded wrestling singlet and shiny trident, nor does she use the trident to stab Ivan in the heart.

Gene is smoking in the only wing this hospital seems to have, which I am 99% sure breaks every rule of hospitals besides don’t use a cell phone or someone’s organs will be sucked out by a misfiring CAT scan. Sheila thinks her brother needs to put out the cigarette so he puts it out on his fucking palm. Jesus Christ, Bomb Girls. I did not sign up for this dark shit. Where is my lesbian soap opera with nail polish and pajama parties and silly hats?

Over at Ye Olde Hotel, it appears that Gladys’ bills are no longer being paid by James. Further investigation of the matter reveals that Gladys can look stunning doing something as mundane as sorting her financial issues, and Daddy made a deal with James and is not gonna pay for the room anymore, which means Gladys’ fancy hat days have come to an end. Pretty sure this happened on an episode of Girls, right?

Gladys is sick of the men in her life running her life, so she goes to the Lesbian Commune to complain to a ready audience.

Sheila decides it’s time to have an intervention now that Gene thinks he is actually on the USS Enterprise. Lorna, denial is a river in Egypt.

Gladys gets James on the phone to discuss financial matters, but decides to drop the Gene bomb at the same time. Like, it’s great you are fighting over there and stuff, but girl has got to feed the growler, yeah? You know that moment in the movie where you know a character is gonna die? Like when the busty sorority girl walks into the abandoned house, or the soldier gets a call saying his wife is pregnant, or any dog appears in a sentimental coming of age film? James says he doesn’t want to hear it because this might be the last time they talk before he heads to the front. That was his Old Yeller Moment. If he says it might be the last time, you know it’s the last time.

Over at Ye Olde Lesbian Stuff Happens Every Time We Go To The Jewel Box, Vera is trying to convince Marco to lend some fireworks from his firework factory. Look, I’m gonna be real. They are super cute and I want them to bang. There, I said it.

Betty shows up with Kate, who she hands over to Ivan with a look that could make puppies cry. I swear to Lesbian-Satan, Ali Liebert. But looky-loo who shows up but Bond Girl, and boy, is she picking up on the right signals.

Lorna decides to sit Gene down and try to reason with him on the whole PTSD situation. Gene pretends he cut his hand on a bottlecap and tells Lorna to get the fuck off the holodeck because he and Deanna Troi are about to talk about his feelings and stroke each other’s faces.

Marco runs into a fellow wise guy outside of the Jewel Box, and gets him to lend him some fireworks after they bond over Italian stuff, like spaghetti and tiny cars. I miss Baby Cannoli, guys. I miss those jokes. Those were easy jokes.

Gladys is totally freaking about losing this hotel room and all of her fancy hats when Gene shows up and Gene wants the V. Gladys is like, nope, sorry, dealing with some shit, please put the teletubby vacuum back in your pants. Gene continues to use innuendos in ways that make me laugh hysterically and says he’s going to “show you the front.” The front? The front of what? The front of your penis? Do penises have fronts and backs? I’ve never seen one, I don’t know how this shit works.

Get your hearts out because it’s time for their weekly stabbing! Kate and Betty are having the usual pajama party, but Betty’s had enough of beating around the bush when it comes to her desire to beat bush.

You got all you want. A boy who’s falling for you and a girl who already has. You use this… you use me.

That’s not true.

I helped you make a whole new life, and what are you doing?

I’m living it, Betty. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Then you can find someone else to dance with.

This is a recreation of me during this scene:

It’s the day of the Kickstarter Fundraiser and Betty decides to take Bond Girl up on her offer of friendship. You know, the kind of Deep Intimate Friendship where you want to put your mouth in her lap. Betty makes it clear she’s here for Bond Girl and not Kate, Bond Girl makes it clear she is gay as a peacock and down for the business.

Bob tries to talk to Gene grumpy man to douchey man, but it doesn’t go very well. Gene thinks his dad should sod off because they are about to make him a first mate on the Enterprise.

Gladys figures if she’s gonna have to sell all her fancy hats anyway, she might as well go out with a bang. Daddy thinks that her relationship with Gene seems awfully close. Gladys thinks she has a lot on her plate and maybe needs to get it out of her system via deep vagina massage, okay?

Gene and Lorna are supposed to be getting a picture together but Gene is telling Lorna that she is a backstabbing bitch! No, that is literally what he said! Seriously, Corbetts, how did you have a fucking family whistle but your kids still turned out to be such epic dickholes?

BBC Calls For Trans* Inclusive Comedy Scripts

Television’s portrayal of trans* characters will 99% of the time send you into fits of semi-incoherent, apoplectic rage. “Give me a freaking drink,” I implore, after watching another shitstorm of an episode of Glee, “so I can throw it in Ryan Murphy’s eyes! Won’t someone please give Unique the fabulous storylines she deserves?!”

“Stop calling her “he,” you arseholes!” I yelled at my telly on Saturday, as a long-running medical drama presented a young transwoman who was consistently referred to by everyone – even the HOSPITAL STAFF – as being male. And that’s not even starting on the fact that transmen are horribly, hideously under-represented anywhere that’s not Degrassi: The Next Generation (which I have never actually watched) or Boys Don’t Cry. Isn’t it just infuriating?

Luckily, I’m not the only one who thinks this needs changing, and if you live in the UK, then you – yes, YOU, RIGHT THERE, reading this right now, drinking tea from your chipped mug – can help be the change you want to see.

The BBC Writersroom has joined forces with Trans Comedy to launch the Trans Comedy Award, a competition for writers to create a script which actually represents trans* people accurately:

The Trans Comedy Award opens up an opportunity for the transgender community and members of the general public to portray transgender characters and the transgender experience in a fresh affirming manner, without resorting to cliché or stereotype.

We are looking for original comedy sitcoms, comedy dramas or sketch shows featuring transgender characters and/or themes and written for television. An award of up to a maximum of £5000 will be shared between the selected writer(s) in order that they may develop a pilot or taster.

Yup – the BBC is running a nationwide search for new comedy writing talent, which actually talks about what it’s like to be trans* without resorting to those squick-worthy “jokes” about Thai ladyboys. Scripts should be a half-hour pilot episode, and can be sitcoms, comedy-dramas, or even sketch shows with recurring trans* characters.

We’re not looking for issue-led stories. We want to see comedy which comes from the characters and their interactions with friends, family, colleagues etc. So you can touch on the issues of relationships for example but keep it balanced with always comedy in mind.

If you think you’ve got what it takes, then you’d better start writing: the deadline for entries is February 28th. Check out the BBC Writersroom website for more information on rules, FAQs, and how to enter. And if this leads to some trans* friendly shows being (finally) commissioned, then all the better.

VIDEO: Unicorn Plan-It Episode 204 “Across The YOUniverse”

Are you ready for another smokin’ spicy hot Unicorn Plan-It fajita of sizzling lesbian sexiness?? Because it’s definitely time. Strap on your scissor bumps and cuddle up with your favorite unicorns!

Behind-the-scenes shots! Pew pew!    

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UNICORN PLAN-IT is a tight little comedy best described as Modern Family meets The Office meets “a bunch of hot lesbians in Los Angeles.” Has anyone made a real comedy about that last one? Three co-workers, one crazy boss and one enlightened fairy-tale-haired spiritual healer face the slings and arrows of everyday life as event planners and ladylovers. This show is written, directed, produced and edited by Real Lesbian Females who want to make you laugh, make you proud of who you are and generally make your life better in every way. Who are these females? The fantastic cast includes Haviland Stillwell (TV/Broadway Actress, recording artist, voice of Raquelle on Barbie: Life In The Dreamhouse),  Ashley Reed (screenwriter/producer, playwright, once recorded a song for you), Sarah Croce (Actress, Miss April, Girl Talk, Fake-Whitney), comedian Sherri D. Sutton, and actors Amir Levi and Catherine Wadkins. Season 2 also promises guest appearances by Oscar Nominee Bruce Dern (Big Love, Monster) and Deborah S. Craig (Hart of Dixie). And for this season, Director K. Rocco Shields of WingSpan Pictures has joined the unicorn team!

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Glee 412 Recap: Naked Boys Singing!

Welcome to the twelfth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a variety hour featuring a rotating roster of uninspired pop covers performed by lithe industrious teenagers with a passion for fundraising under the esteemed tutelage of the Great Goddess Rumbledethumps‘ one and only son, Finn Hudson. This week, all the boys took their clothes off and all the girls kept their clothes on. It was quite an experience.

But guys can I just talk to you for a minute? The Whole Foods across the street from my apartment just added a bulk cookies area! My whole life has changed. They even have hamentashen! In related news, this week I uncovered the secret to “why we got an apartment in this area for such a reasonable price” — the building’s previous owner killed himself and afterwards they discovered he’d been hiding his son’s dead body in the wall for four years! They found the makeshift tombwall in the laundry room which shares a wall with our apartment, so we call it The Laundry Tomb now. Anyhow, onward ho!

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We open on a brilliant, beaming Ohio morning, where Hunter Warbler’s escaping a hectic courtroom bombarded by press desperate for news on The Warblers’ unceremonious ousting from Nationals due to their habit of sticking things up each other’s butts.

By “things” I mean “syringes filled with performance-enhancing drugs,” obvs.

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We thus glide joyously over to what appears to be The Glee Room again, where Rumbledethumps scrawls “Regionals!!!” on the whiteboard of truth, inspiring the children to scream in simultaneous orgasm.

Finn then implores his charges not to “waste time celebrating” ’cause they’re short on prep time now that they’ve spent the last three weeks executing poorly-planned plot stunts like the dud Sadie Hawkins dance and a horrifying Christmas special. There’s only a few weeks left to audition, plan and perform a series of songs before pretending like none of that ever happened and doing the Macarena at Nationals.

Then Finn proposes they focus on raising money, because Glee Club loves fundraising (see also: Episdoe 111, Episode 217, Episode 221) and they’ve got to fund a bus ride to Indianapolis, “the Paris of Indiana” (-Artie). Some of the earnest youths chime in with solutions:

Teen Jesus: “I’d be willing to cut off my hair to sell it for extra cash.”
Meow Mix: “To who? Jamaican kids with Rastafarian cancer? Or as a rigging on a haunted pirate ship?”
Sam: “I could sell more of my semen.”
Riese: “WHO WANTS TO SELL TAFFFY???!!!!!!”

Although I’d personally be thrilled to see Teen Jesus shed his stupid white-boy dreads, Tina’s got another idea involving stripping one’s body of things: The Men of McKinley Calendar! Tina gushes that this year’s Glee boys are the best-looking Glee boys of all time, so I think they’ve wiped Mike Chang from the Glee Collective Memory officially now, and therefore they should pose in a calendar and sell it. Basically, she wants to see Blaine naked.

Tina: “I think Blaine should definitely be December. You can do a Santa thing, but sexy. Sexy Claus.”

Mhm.

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We then zip on over to the Estate of Brittany S. Pierce for another rousing episode of everybody’s favorite Daytime Cooking Program, Fondue for Two! 

Brittany, in an act of misguided goodwill, brings poor sad Marley-Kate onto the show to insult and attack all her tender spots:

Brit-Brit: “You may know tonight’s guest only as the girl with the fat mom who ruined Sectionals for everybody.”

Brit-Brit then pursues a psychologically damaging line of inquiry chock-full of zingers like “Do you think that you relate to The Hunger Games because you yourself are hungry?”

Marley desperately grasps to re-steer the conversation by offering her pet psychic services to Brit-Brit and subsequently suggesting that Lord Tubbington’s got an online gambling addiction and wants to lose weight, which despite being true, doesn’t sway Brit-Brit from her perspective on Lord Tubbington’s troubles: she thinks he’s a slum lord with buildings that aren’t up to code. Well, at least there’s not a dead body in the wall. Hahahahaha!!

Brit-Brit: “Please admit to my viewing audience that you are in love with Jake. I thought so! If Jake is brave enough to take off his clothes for the Men of McKinley calendar, don’t you think you owe him the same courtesy?”

Brit-Brit suggests that because New Puck is getting naked for the Most Horrifying Calendar Ever, Marley-Kate should consider getting naked with her feelings and confessing her love to New Puck, but don’t worry, New Puck won’t see it because “Fondue for Two” exists in another dimension of time/space. Oh also this happened:

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We travel forward in time on a bat out of hell to the menacing lair of the ambivalent Principal Figgins, who’s called a meeting with the “sexy teen imbeciles” to discuss how they “managed to receive the highest and lowest SAT scores ever recorded at McKinley.” They should’ve taken their SATs like three months ago/last year and if this is January, college applications are due in like approximately a minute from now, but whatever.

Sam easily assumes he’s the secret genius, but not so fast — our underdog, Brit-Brit, employed a strategy which saw her filling in A for a while, and then C for a little bit, and then D and then A again and then using the dots to draw a clown and then a penis, and it earned her a near-perfect 2340. Meanwhile Sam’s score was at monkey-standards. Brit-Brit tells him he’s a handsome monkey, which’s probably kindhearted but also kinda mean considering the academic encouragement she gave to Santana when her prospects dimmed. This show has no consistency, so I doubt this disparity means anything because nothing! means! anything! in! Glee!, but still, just saying. Anyhow, Brit-Brit says Sam’s sexy and she knows it:

Brit-Brit: “Sam, don’t worry, okay? You don’t need to go to college like the rest of us.  You have a great body. You could be a personal trainer. You could be a greeter at Abercrombie. You could be a greeter at Abercrombie’s corporate headquarters— whatever you wanna do. But meanwhile, my future looks bright, I’m gonna graduate, I’ll go to Harvard or Princetown or MITT or Stanford and Son or the University of California at Charles Barkley’s house because evidently, I’m one of the smartest people in America.”

What’s funny is that the only member of this graduating class who truly could skip college is Brittany S. Pierce, who I predict could have a promising career dancing with Beyoncé, an independent woman you may recall from this evening’s Super Bowl and last week’s press conference and your still-beating heart.

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Thus we galavant gayly through mountains of snow and rivers of slush and gullies of mud towards the great great city of New York, New York, where The New Rachel’s chatting with the director of an inevitably abysmal student film, poetically titled “Come Back To Me, Grandmother: A Journey Into Alzheimer’s.”

I’m unaware of the director’s name so I’ve decided to name her Lorna (Doone, after Natalie’s favorite cookie) for the purposes of this recap. Rachel grapples for meaning:

Lorna: “The grandmother slipping into dementia is an allegory.”
The New Rachel: “Of course, Yeah —”
Lorna: “Obviously, the end of the world.”

Oh right, Lorna adds, also you’ll have to show everybody your knockers.

But is Rachel ready to unveil her naked breasts? The New Rachel can’t think of anybody better to consult than her younger, wiser self, before she moved to New York and got involved with eyeliner and a hunky nudist. New Rachel notes that her breasts are her prizewinner, but Old Rachel counters that she makes Geyerdean turn off the lights while cuddling.

Old Rachel: “You have a beautiful body, but are you really ready to expose yourself to the world?”
The New Rachel: “That’s what all great artists do, they expose themselves.”
Old Rachel: “Expose their souls, not their flesh.”
The New Rachel: “But it’s all part of the same package, am I really expected to be able to bear my soul if I’m ashamed of the body that holds it
Old Rachel: “I think a little shame is a good thing.”

Okay — Rachel Berry did you miss your Miss Lady Drama Business podcast today? Because woman, you’ve gotta save your rack for something really kickass, like The Real L Word. Just kidding! No truly, it’s just good business for an actress specifically to hold out on nudity until you get paid for it or, you know, if you’ve been offered the lead role in an ultimately Tony-winning Broadway musical like Spring Awakening. Or perhaps you’ve been offered a plumb role like Kate Winslet’s in Titanic, or if your name is Angelina Jolie and you’re in Gia. Remember Angelina Jolie topless in Gia? The first girl I ever kissed and I rented Gia from the video store and never gave it back.

Old Rachel points out that New Rachel’s not a porn star and notes that New Rachel’s hair and makeup are very Real Sex. Unable to reach a suitable conclusion, they choose the worst way possible to solve a conflict, which’s by performing a split personality duet of Natalie Imbruglia’s Torn.

At the song’s stunning conclusion, Rachel consents to the topless scene.

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Bomb Girls 205 Recap: Them’s Fightin’ Words

This week on Bomb Girls, Betty McActuallyGerman wants to know if you are ready to rumble, and almost everyone needs to take a serious look at their lives and choices. Except Vera Burr. Vera continues to be a flawless human being.

There’s a whole bunch of new girls at VicMu, and given the current ratio of lesbians to “mostly straight” chicks at this factory, we can only assume that about three quarters of this crop are gay as a Christmas tree. The Holy Trinity rolls up in Gladys’ car and makes what one would describe as a truly gangster entrance. Unfortunately, waiting for them and all other eligible vaginas is Bumhole McSkeezy, aka Gene Corbett.

Unfortunately, Lieutenant Poopdick has his eye on the prize, and that prize is our angel-faced Gladys. Lorna is all up on this situation like white on bread because she will be damned if anyone touches her little goober. Dearest Lorna, your little goober has grown into a giant nutsack and you need to rein his ass in stat. Prime example: Gene does not know the meaning of multiple no’s.

Betty and Kate are sizing up the freshmeat, who are recent deportees of a washing machine factory, where I guess they made washing machines? It’s unclear. I really wish this scenario would end with a freshman paddling scene a la Dazed and Confused, but oh well.

Outside, Gene is using car euphemisms to try to woo Gladys. Barf. Yeah buddy, she’ll never guess what you’re onto when you use the line “let me check under your hood.” Did you even know that there is such a thing as a clitoral hood, Gene? Or a clitoris? This paltry level of innuendo is wasted on this doofus.

Betty takes over registration and checks in Regina, who goes by Reggie. Oh, sweet baby dyke and Mini!Betty and awesome WOC character, you are one of the many reasons I love this show and all the things it gets right. Needless to say, Reggie and Betty do not hit it off.

Lorna confronts Gladys and basically tells her that Gladys is a skeevy homewrecker who is going to destroy her baby boy’s reputation. Lorna, what planet are you living on and how do I get there so I can blow it up and return you to Marco’s arms? No, but really, Lorna seemed much happier and more rational in Marco’s arms.

Reggie cuts Betty in the clearance line and basically says that she is hot shit. Betty is like hot shit in your diapers, you mean. It’s cute because they’re the same person, give or take ten years.

Gladys is quick to point out to her bro that the two of them are butting heads because their heads are more or less identical.

Betty: The only thing bigger than that girl’s mouth is the chip on her shoulder.

Gladys: Gee, reminds me of my friend.

Up in the office, Mr. Akins needs a new office manager, which means it’s time for some hilarious hijinks when Vera faces off with that bitch Carol! This is like that time my friend and I fell for the same girl and baked her endless amounts of cookies and kept inviting her over for burgers. Plot Twist: It turned out she was vegan and hated both of us.

On the floor, not to be confused with that J.Lo song, Reggie and Betty continue to face off.

Betty continues to be appalled that anyone could not be fed up with her mini-me. Gladys has decided to Switzerland this situation and stay the fudge out of it until Betty realizes she is in a wrestling match with herself.

Vera and Carol are giving Mr. Akins a laundry list of things they’ve been doing around the office, but Mr. Akins really doesn’t care. Mr. Akins just wants to go home and shine his bald spot, okay? I didn’t even mean that in a dirty way, but now I’m rereading that sentence and there’s no other way to interpret it.

Vera says that she is definitely the lady for the job because she’s been both on the floor and in the office. I didn’t mean that sentence in a dirty way either, but there you go.

Reggie and Betty continue to butt heads in Ye Olde Dining Hall, where Reggie equates Betty with Hitler. Come on, Reggie! Didn’t you see last week’s episode? German stuff is a tender spot with Betty McActuallyGerman!