Glee Episode 421 Recap: Wonder-less

Hello and welcome to the 21st episoe of the fourth abysmal season of Glee, a show about what happens when innocent children eat too many meatballs, do a lot of ecstasy, staple their clothes together and cheer like wild hyenas while performing their parents’ favorite songs.

You guys this episode was SO STUPID. Just stupid. Do you remember when Mr. Shue’s wife had an imaginary baby? Here’s the thing: we can handle only one imaginary baby per episode. Just one imaginary baby. This episode was sort of innocuously ridiculous, but really this entire SEASON has been like a nonstop Imaginary Baby Parade. And to what end? Have any of these extensions-of-disbelief lead to fantastic moments of television? Is there still an emotional truth for us to hold onto? We can’t handle an entire episode in which not one single plot point could potentially make sense in the real world. Can just one student — just ONE — abide by the traditional rules of college admission and matriculation? Just one. Honestly, the only thing that happened in this episode that would ever happen in real life is when Burt found out his cancer was in remission. That’s right. Curing cancer is the most realistic thing on this show.

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We open with a cross-country mobile-telephone-enabled conversation between The New Rachel in her Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft and Mr. Schuster, who’s rummaging around the Teacher’s Lounge looking for the afikoman.

Rachel says she’s one of three ladies in the running for Funny Girl and says it’s all thanks to Mr. Shue! because she sang “Don’t Stop Believin'” at her audition.

You know, the song Finn taught the Glee Club to sing at the end of Episode 101 because Mr. Shue, shortly after taking over Glee Club, had swiftly decided to kick it — and McKinley High — to the curb in favor of better health insurance for his lunatic wife’s non-existant baby. That song!

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Cut to Glee Club Buena Vista Social Gentleperson’s Club. Mr. Shue shows up to share everybody’s personal details: The New Rachel may just be The Funniest Girl Standing, Will re-proposed to Emma and she re-said-yes, and Brittany’s pregnant! Just kidding, Brittany’s visiting her future college, M.I.T., because why anything. In honor of this “wonderful” news, they’ll be singing Stevie Wonder songs all week!

The squirrels flip out like it’s 1979! YAH STEVIE WONDER!!!!!!!

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Back in the Hallowed Hallways, Fake Quinn’s decided to pull a Classic Glee Maneuver by sticking her butt into somebody else’s life so they can see the moon reflected in her eyeballs. This time it’s Artie, who just got into the Brooklyn Film Academy, but isn’t going and he won’t tell her why and doesn’t want her to tell anybody.

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We then wrap our entire bodies in Saran Wrap, build a gigantic flume, roll around in a tub of butter, and avalanche ourselves all the way to New York, New York, where Kurt’s packing, OCD-style, for a trip back to Ohio for his father’s doctor’s appointment!

Kurt: “Yes, I’m getting a little OCD leading up to this appointment. Rachel said it was a natural response, just me looking to control my anxiety in some way. I figure I need to cut myself some slack. So what if I have a few new rituals to get me through the day.”

Stress puts OCD into overdrive: true fact.

Ah! Whoops. Sorry, wrong person/episode:

EEK! Wrong show. One sec. Okay…

Yes, that’s right.

Okay, so Kurt says that his Dad got him through his Mom dying, so if his Dad also died that would be THE WORST. Yeah, duh, especially when this plot was used in 404 as a device to get Burt to New York and is now being used in 421 as a device to get Kurt back to Ohio, with really no other purpose besides to make me cry.

(Well, also it makes me think of real life: of friends who are dealing with or who have dealt with this and how one of the hardest parts is that it’s so rarely possible/affordable to be there for the doctor’s appointments. That’s a relate-able struggle. If only we all lived in Glee-land!)

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We then board Kurt’s Magical Free New York-Ohio Teleportation Device and zoom on over to Ohio, where Mercedes and Mike Chang are ALSO visiting. What timing!

Also Kurt’s giving Blaine the full-body staredown of eternal lust and true love:

Cut to the Glee Room, where the kiddos erupt into multiple short orgasms of delight when the Alums show up. Then Fake Quinn breaks into “Signed, Sealed Delivered” while rubbing her vagina in Artie’s face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3fX-wxQ5Kw

I think everybody did Whippits before filming this morning.

Then Fake Quinn tells everybody that Artie got into film school, just like he told her not to! Mercedes says Fake Quinn’s performance was “good” but for Regionals, it’s gotta “be great.” While the children try to wrap their heads around the concept of it being important to be great instead of good for a huge competition, Fake Quinn and Mercedes exchange some unnecessary bitchery, via which we learn that Mercedes is in town to be a vocal coach and shoot her first music video (it’s “about home”) and Mike’s there to help Glee Club with choreography.

Tina’s unimpressed by Mike Chang’s insertion into this episode:

Tina: “I love you Mike. I love all my exes. But this isn’t wonderful news, it’s shocking. Now we need some guy to help us dance? Hash tag Glee Hates Girls. And what are you here to lecture us about Kurt, our horrible taste in clothing?”

It’s almost as if nobody at Glee has any idea what women are actually talking about when women actually say that Glee hates girls.

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Fake Quinn chases Artie through the hallowed halls and Artie insists he’s skipping film school ’cause his Mom’s too nervous about leaving Artie all alone in a big city.

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Cut to Java the Hut, where Blaine’s chattering about the historic and exciting new world of gay marriage in New York, which happened two fucking years ago.

Blaine tells Kurt that he looks sexy. Not just sexy, but “dirty sexy,” which I assume is a reference to a Klaine Sexual Position®.

Mercedes chatters to Mike Chang about her music video, as she’s seemingly hired him as a choreographer and requires moves that are full of “club-kid sickness,” “fresh-fresh-fresh” and “smooth with a v” and Blaine steals stealthy glances at Kurt organizing his sugar packets.

Mercedes asks if Blaine and Kurt are back together and Blaine says they’re just friends but his eyes say “we’re just soulmates forever and in love.” Then Kurt says none of this is important because of his Dad! Mercedes says it’s okay, they’ll all get through it together.

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Bomb Girls 212: Feelings, Feelings Everywhere

This week on Bomb Girls, the sunshine is gone and nothing will ever be okay again. That’s because this was the last Bomb Girls episode of all time, and I don’t want to live on a planet where Bomb Girls is no longer a reality. Writing this recap and realizing it would be my final adieu was almost too much for my emotional stability.

FYI: It is incredibly difficult to write when you are sobbing on your keyboard while simultaneously attempting to sad-eat large quantities of cheese.

The sacrifices I make for you lot, honestly.

Kate and her mom are coming home from their Girls’ Day Out, where they likely got their nails done and shopped at Chico’s and talked about how Kate’s dead dad was evil, only to be bombarded by Kate’s bachelorette party. Now, I don’t know about you folks, but my mother and boss are the last two people I want in attendance for whatever gay pre-commitment-ceremony bullshit my best friends will inevitably pull off despite my general protests.

Apparently the wartime economy has put a strain on the production of penis-shaped products, because there is no fake genitalia in sight, but there is an awkward tossing game and an umbrella with stuff in it. Bachelorette Party Version Betty seems a little more tame than Bachelorette Party Version Vera, which probably would have involved a stripper disguised as a firefighter and whatever the 1940s equivalent of twerking was, but in Betty’s defense, lesbians are really only good at planning doggy meetups and vegan potlucks.

Fun Fact: Betty goes ahead and compares the toss game to basketball. She might as well have compared it to softball, rugby, or roller derby, lesbihonest. Baby girl, don’t you ever change your stupidly homosexual ways.

Kate’s mother takes her aside to tell her that a detective is starting to ask questions about her deceased father. And this, my friends, is where we know things are about to take a one-way ticket to hell in a handbasket. A handbasket full of lesbian tears, I might add. Remember that time Betty and Kate accidentally murdered Kate’s father? Me neither. I had chosen to cast it to the back of my mind in favor of my hardcore investment in everyone’s happiness and ability to scissor without interruption. The resurfacing of the detective storyline in the season/series finale can only mean one thing, and that thing is our utter and complete devastation.

Kate takes this moment to look with great concern at Betty, and then scope her tight Germanic ass. Whatever gets you through the stress, babe.

Over at Chez Depression and General Unhappiness, Lorna and Bob are arguing because Lorna doesn’t believe in blood drives? Homegirl, it is not the Dark Ages anymore. We’re vaccinating for real shit up in here. We are no longer afraid that moles near the breast are signs of consorting with the devil — I think we can handle a friggin’ blood drive. Also, Dr. Patel thinks he can end Bob’s invalid status, which means Lorna is reaching for the holy water. Happiness? Not in this house.

Cut to a shot of them actually sticking needles in arms and drawing blood. If y’all are like me and typically barf around blood, I can tell you to a) skip the latest episode of My Strange Addiction, and b) probably look somewhere else, like the McSwagger tumblr tag you have open in another window. Lorna is in attendance, talkin’ shit on modern medicine, and Sheila feels free to sass her right back.

Betty’s talking about Canadian politics or something? I don’t know, my only knowledge of Canadian politics is via all my Quebecois separatist cousins so I have no idea what you guys do up there except apparently it involves stifling francophone culture? Whatever, my job is not to provide you with a working knowledge of the political climate in Canada, but to tell you when your favorite lesbian does a thing. So right now Betty’s drinking juice and talking about a thing. You’re welcome.

Gladys is getting her blood drawn when Bad Accent No Stop happens to be reclined in a suggestive position next to her. I could say something very deep about how this conversation takes place while they are both expelling body fluids, but I don’t think this narrative actually deserves that kind of attention. Gladys’ Magical Vagina apparently strikes again, because Bad Accent Why How cannot stop with the sultry talk. It’s weird. SPIES!

Vera runs into a soldier who is the brother of another soldier she also ran into in the biblical sense. It’s awkward, but Vera continues to be the most progressive unashamed queen of everything on the block. Marco overhears and is less than pleased with the mental image of Vera sleeping with whoever she wants, because patriarchy, so y’all know that’s gonna boil over soon. Like a pot of spaghetti. Get it? Spaghetti. It’s been a long time, pasta jokes. Too long.

Kate spills to Ivan on the factory floor re: her name, her surprise-alive mother, and some other minute details you might want to make known to the person you are agreeing to spend the rest of your life with. Or, instead of having this awkward conversation, you could gay elope with the one person who already knows everything and still loves you unconditionally. Kanye shrug.

Lorna decides to actually donate blood. Sheila can barely hold in all her “Lorna PLZ”s but somehow she manages. What I love about Sheila is that she literally has no time for anyone’s bullcrap. She is sexing Dr. Patel and his perfect hair and furthering her career without concern for anything else, even though everyone around her seems set on sapping the joy and prosperity from life. Sheila does not have the energy to deal with your massive time-sucking and happiness-sucking efforts, she just doesn’t.

The detective is interviewing Kate, which means we are barreling one step closer to the ending we all did not want to see coming but could somehow see from a mile away.

Kate handles all of this with her perfect Disney face and her way-too-perfect Disney eyes, but the detective is a little fixated on the fact that they found the body placed under a tarp. Now, I’m no writer or contributing editor, and I certainly don’t creative narratives for a freelance living, but maybe someone else found the body and put it under a tarp without reporting it like a homeless person, or passersby, because saying it absolutely had to be Kate is just a litttttttle bit of a reach. And I was an English major, so I understand constructing Everest-like bullshit mountains out of miniscule fact puddles.

Kate comes back down quite shaken up by the interview, and whammo, Betty is in Protective Lesbian Savior Mode. Man, I have been waiting a long-ass season to get back to Betty as Protective Lesbian Savior.

Marco decides the best way to get into Vera’s pants is to use slut-shaming. Swing and a miss, buddy. Vera does not have time for any of this as she has to go and run the entire universe.

Bad Accent Hey Stop and Gladys are hanging out in a field, v. romantic, and Bad Accent No Gross gives Gladys a bomb except she doesn’t know it and she fools around with it and accidentally sets it off so he covers her body with his body and I just… the fact this pairing will probably get romantic and physical closure and McAndrews will not kind of makes me want to set my hair on fire. SPIES!

Lorna is doing some hardcore detective work and realizing that Kate is the Marian from that letter about Betty being a full-on lesbian. Lorna’s like, holy shit, it’s all coming together now! That’s why Betty gives her coworkers chestbumps and went through that period where she only wore overalls for a month! That’s why she always stares at Kate’s ass and tries to touch her hair when she isn’t looking! Because GAY!

Glee Episode 420 Recap: Lights Out, You Don’t Wanna See This

Welcome to the 20th recap of the fourth season of Glee, a show which combines the realism and authentic emotional adventures of 80’s after-school specials with the exuberance of spritely homosexual teenagers singing unfortunate cover songs. Season Four has taken us on a wild adventure through water flume rides, vacuum cleaners, gummy worm factories, Rite-Aid stockrooms and the innermost ring of hell and this week was no exception.

In honor of this being Episode 420, I got stoned before watching this show. Just kidding, I always get stoned before watching this show!

So, I’ve given up at commenting extensively on the realism or lack thereof on this show, I think they’ve made it explicitly clear that nothing about this world even attempts realism besides the emotional issue-of-the-week, which we’re somehow supposed to buy into despite it being stuffed into stories bursting with inaccuracies and enormous suspensions of disbelief and general all-around wackiness AND despite the fact that Glee never, ever, not ever, follows up on its issue-of-the-week, thus deflating its purpose before we give it a chance to blow up in the first place. Which isn’t realistic. Because issues don’t start and end in 42 minutes. Generally they consume season-long arcs, like the very-well-done bullying story with Kurt. Anyhow, onward with this long recap!

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We open in the Glee room, where Ryder’s sexting with a 52-year-old retired conveyer belt salesman named katie_xoxo who’s been watching King of Queens on Netflix for three straight days. Ryder’s like, “when are we gonna meet?” and she’s all like, “IDK,” and Fake Quinn’s all like “ew.”

Mr. Shue bounds in to announce that he’s been spying on their Regionals competition, the Hoosierdaddies (har) and that said Hoosierdaddies have a powerhouse singer who sits at pianos belting the national anthem for funsies. Therefore this week’s theme will be “Stadium Songs.”

But then the lights go out in the school and thus Mr. Shue must re-configure his master plan. Fuck Stadium Songs, these kids will now be tackling “Unplugged Week”!

Cut to the Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High, which currently resemble a coal mine, where Ryder’s complaining to New Puck that katie_xoxo still won’t meet up with him. New Puck says he should cut this shit out, but Ryder insists katie_xoxo knows his deepest/darkest secrets, like secrets even New Puck doesn’t know, maybe even secrets the writers didn’t know about before writing this episode. New Puck advises Ryder Bieber-Strong to share his deep dark secrets with people he already knows.

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We then lace up our flower-print Doc Martens, hop aboard a runaway train and slingshot cross-country to the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft in New York, New York, where Lady Hummel and The New Rachel have summoned Santana to sit in a chair so they can unleash a can of judgement upon her divine existence.

Lady Hummel and The New Rachel, suddenly epic prudes, think Santana’s throwing her life away and sorely disapprove of Santana’s job at Coyote Ugly, using super sex-negative talk like “it’s bad enough that you let horny tourists grope you for tips” and scolding her for being a bouncer at a lesbian beer garden and a cage dancer at a girlbar, which’s ludicrous because at least half their classmates at Fake Julliard are doing the same goddamn thing, ladies gotta eat, welcome to the universe, little children of Ohio!

Also — and I say this as a person who’s been on Santana’s side of this conversation, but with slightly different context — this kind of judgery always gets my goat because it implies that jobs wherein sexual contact/sexuality are explicitly part of the job are somehow more demeaning or disempowering to women than jobs wherein sexual contact/sexuality isn’t explicitly part of the job. Sexism is an intrinsic element of most jobs, and I felt more violated by the insidious sexual harassment and blatant sexism of my pervy restaurant managers and I felt more disempowered by the boy’s club of publishing than I ever did in a job where the sexual element was out on the table from the get-go and priced accordingly.

Also being a cage dancer at a lesbian club is an awesome job! That’s where Whitney Mixter finds most of her girlfriends.

Kurt and The New Rachel steamroll Santana’s valid point that she needs to work to make money to live, unlike them apparently, suggesting that she pursue her talents of singing and dancing. Even though she has three jobs. Two of which. Involve. Dancing. ANYHOO!

The New Rachel and Santana thus read a teleplay from Girls out loud to each other, with both ladies channeling Hannah in both mannerisms and speech:

Santana: “Well maybe I don’t wanna be in Funny Girl, okay? Or be a singing waiter at the Fires Island Pancake Shack. So why don’t you just stop trying to force all of your creaky old-time Broadway dreams onto my amazingly awesome dream.”
Rachel: “And what’s that.”
Santana: “I am trying to figure that out.”

Girls-channeling aside, it’s a vulnerable and authentic moment for Santana, who so rarely likes to admit that she’s not ten steps ahead of everybody else, including herself.  It was easier in high school to seem that way, but the whole “post-high-school plans” thing has been eroding her steely exterior for over a year now. Which is part of growing up, I guess.

Rachel and Kurt holler at Santana to remove the chair she found on the sidewalk, to which she probably responds:

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We then wrap our feet in moleskin and our bodies in full-body Spanx and our heads in elephant condoms and fly back to Lima, Ohio, home to 97 law enforcement officials, where Mr. Shue’s lighting up my life with kerosene lamps. Sam performs “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” by The Righteous Brothers, which coincidentally is my new name for Kurt and Rachel’s new judgey attitude.

Everybody sings along and has lots of feelings. Then it’s Artie’s turn, but Artie freaks about performing without his synth, but Sam points out Artie’s class privilege because Sam had to entertain Tiny Tim with two sticks and a bongo drum when his parents couldn’t pay the power bill. Also, Sam’s pissed that Artie was texting during his song.

Sam: “Everybody is so focused on being plugged in to the Twitterverse and the blogosphere that we don’t appreciate what’s actually right in front of us. And I think that’s just sad and lame.”

(as is using the word “lame”) (to artie, especially)

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We then shift into wolves and run rapidly through the forests and streams all the way to New York, New York, where it appears Kurt is still employed at Vogue, although he seemingly hasn’t spoken to his boss since Christmas and has been “making his own schedule” all this time.

Sarah Jessica Parker asks how Burt’s doing, because she remembered the cancer thing (I didn’t), and he says his Dad’s doing fine. She then asks Kurt if he’d like to sub in as Celebrity Wranger for the New York City Ballet Educational Programs Superdance Danceshow Gala which is The Social Event of The Year. She says his friends can help out, because Glee.

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We then hop in our convertibles and zippity-zoom back to Lima, Ohio, where Sue Sylvester’s leading a sex riot aerobics class at 23 Hour Fitness.

Her class is chock-full of lithe professional dancers in coordinated outfits…

…and also Blaine! Who Sue mistook for an Israeli Lesbian.

Also, this girl:

After class, Blaine tells Sue that Roz wants the Cheerios to remove their ribs and that everybody at school’s still shaken up from the gun the gun the gun and they need Sue back at McKinley.

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We then teleport back to the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, where Kurt proudly announces that they’re going to the New York City Ballet Superdance Tutu Gala as a family, inspiring sweet ballet-related memories and corresponding flashbacks from The New Rachel & Kurt.

Santana’s not wooed by the trip down memory lane:

Santana: “And I skipped all that crap to study the timeless art of crunk.”

Kurt quickly convinces Santana to tag along to the gala by promising a fancy gown from the Vogue archival closets.

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Back in The Glee Room, everybody’s got too many feelings, especially Ryder Bieber-Strong. He’s gonna sing Everybody Hurts, an R.E.M song that brings me back to my bathroom circa 1994, where I’d listen to this song on repeat while making lists of all the reasons I hated myself. It was awesome.

Ryder’s unplugged emotions are spliced in with slow-mo flashbacks of various Glee kids getting slushied, a hammy-handed editorial decision so typical of Glee in the worst way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjPf45kbLm8

At the song’s conclusion, Ryder Bieber-Strong admits his true intention has been to “unplug his feelings” and let them all know a thing before katie_xoxo spills his beans all over school. Here goes!

Ryder: “When I was 11, I was molested by my baby-sitter. She just walked in on me in the shower and she touched me.”
Sam: “Wait hold on did you just say “she”?”
Artie: “Like, as in a girl, Like a teenage girl?”
Ryder: “Yeah, she was like, 17, 18.”
Sam: “Dude, you were 11 and some hot 18-year-old plays with your junk, I would’ve killed for that.”
Artie: “Why are you ashamed of this?”

Oh, I don’t know. Probably because of shitty people like you saying shitty things like what you just said! That being said — this is out of character for Sam and Artie. I don’t believe they’d actually act like this. I get that this is commentary on the “double standard,” but commentary only works if you comment on it. Instead, it’s just thrown out there and never put into its appropriate context.

Ryder: “I don’t know, it kinda messed me up a bit. Like I have trouble trusting girls because of it, I think.”
Mr. Shue: “Guys, this is not something to high-five about. Ryder, I’m sorry but I’m obligated to report it.”
Ryder: “Whatever, she already got locked up, she was caught doing it to some other kid.”

Okay WHAT. What. Really. That’s all Mr. Shue’s got to offer the conversation? “This is not something to high-five about.” Why not, Mr. Shue? I think the children in this classroom would love for their teacher to explain why Sam and Artie’s comments are horrifically out of line. Furthermore, I get that he says the thing about reportage so we can get the exposition about Ryder’s sitter in the clanker, but that seems like a conversation best had after class. The conversation best had in class might be about why your Glee kids are all dicknails. Maybe before “I’m sorry but I’m obligated to report it” he could say “I’m sorry that that happened to you and I’m here if you need emotional support.” Anything? I’m going to throw a Rock Salt Slushie at Mr.Shue by the end of this season for real.

Sam: “I’m sorry but why is that a crime? I mean it’s every teenage boy’s fantasy, I mean there’s like 50 80’s movies about it —”

Tina: “Guys, this is so uncool.”
Marley: “His truth is his truth, not yours.”

Can somebody let the Glee writers know that being sexually molested or being transgender is not actually an example of a person’s “truth” but rather an example of a fact about that person? Thanks.

Ryder: “You know know what it’s cool. Uh, the guys are right. I don’t know what I was thinking. Um, I’m like the luckiest guy in here so… you know, yeah.”
Artie: “I mean, kid clearly has superior game.”

Fake Quinn, who’s been making compassionate faces in Ryder’s direction all episode, looks serious and removed and maybe even touched. But she doesn’t look surprised.

This scene is a Glee double-header, ’cause not only does the show treat the issue with complete disrespect, the characters do. Generally the characters exhibit everyday disregard and disrespect of their classmates and then summon giant wells of empathy and sentimentality for the issue-of-the-week but not today!

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Bomb Girls 211: Is This How Be Good Spy

This week on Bomb Girls, Gladys continues to take mystery-solving lessons from the Pretty Little Liars team, Kate and Betty plan a wedding in which they are not marrying each other, and Vera is a flawless queen who calls out bitches when she sees them. This week may also be the second to last time we see our beautiful ladies onscreen, because Global would prefer that we don’t have nice things.

We open on Marco doing Marco things, which has lately meant sneaking around in the dark with other Italians. Frankie is peer-pressuring Marco into building a bomb, and since they didn’t have DARE yet in the 1940s, I guess Marco hasn’t had to watch a video where poorly-trained child actors turn down their friends’ marijuana cigarettes. Since Marco has never learned to just say no, he just says yes.

Over at the opera or something else that glamorous people attend, Gladys is avoiding her mother’s attempts to get someone to fuck the sad out of her daughter. She ends up chatting with Bad Accent British. He’s just hanging out in the same places Gladys is always hanging out, no biggie. Despite the fact that they are still responsible for the least effective spywork of all time, homegirl looks flawless and I would be lying if I said I wouldn’t kiss her face super hard in this scene. I mean, just really super hard and passionately and enough to make Bad Accent British grumpily return to the parking lot and sit in his car listening to Peter Frampton. SPIES!

The Golden Trio is exchanging wedding mags during their pre-work smoke (not to be confused with their first smoke of the day, pre-breakfast smoke, post-breakfast smoke, or waiting for the trolley smoke). Kate tells the girls she is going to make the wedding a quickie at City Hall and then enjoy a honeymoon in the glamorous vacation hotspot of Winnipeg. Vera and Betty react to the world’s least romantic wedding talk accordingly.

But the real fun happens when Kate asks Betty to be her maid of honor. Because if there’s anything us dykes want to do for the woman we’ve never stopped loving, it’s stand next to her when she gets married to a dude.

Since an important member of the Canadian government who lacks an American equivalent is coming to visit, everyone’s psyched and security is tight. But nothing is at tight as Kate’s lips when it comes to her family backstory! Ha, did you think I was gonna make another joke about tightness and lips? I am not that predictable, kids.

Ivan snatches a letter out of Kate’s hands because he’s fantastic like that, and sees some red flags involving her brother’s name and location. Kate covers her tracks, but Ivy is definitely suspicious. I mean, if my girlfriend gave me a girl’s name as a nickname and kept telling me to wear a blonde wig and pantsuits in the bedroom, I’d probably be suspicious, too.

Marco is, as usual, getting a lot of shit in regards to security because I guess the bloated horse carcass that is Marco Is Mistrusted By Everyone Around Him Narrative still has a few blows left, who knows. Gladys is suddenly not okay with Marco being mistrusted and fights with British Maybe about it, even though she has definitely been going along with all of this up until this moment. It doesn’t make sense that her convictions would change entirely in a millisecond, but British Maybe apparently has this personality-changing effect on stunning brunettes. SPIES!

Vera is told she needs to retake her ID picture for a new card. She questions the possible implications of this action, but is stuntin’ hardcore for the camera. Baby girl, you’re a star.

Carol is explaining to everyone how the governor general is technically royalty or something? I don’t know, you members of the British Empire confuse me with your people you put crowns on. Vera busts in only to discover her security clearance has been reduced and her position demoted. Carol is only too pleased to explain all this to her. For one hundred reasons, this is not the fuck okay.

Vera runs downstairs to confront Mr. Akins, who tells her that her time with Marco has cost her the job. Vera, continual champion of third wave feminism and committed to end slut-shaming, is not going to tolerate this shit. And as soon as she sees Gladys and Fake British What interacting, she knows exactly who she needs to take out.

Betty is selected to meet the important semi-royal dude because they asked specifically to meet the factory’s BDOC. JK, but Betty’s so awesome that even semi-royalty wants to bask in her glow.

Over at the only wing this hospital seems to have, Sheila is ignoring her mother. Lorna wants Sheila to come home because Bob’s going to be there for dinner, but Sheila’s snapping her gum and having none of it.

Marco is on the phone with his accomplice not ten feet away from the po-po because all the blood is rushing to his cannoli instead of his brain. Did Marco go to subtlety lessons with Gladys? Is that what they were doing while Betty was graduating from swag class?

Bob’s back! And he can walk! Sort of! Apparently the farm he was working at had magic walking juice in the milk, so that’s awesome for him. Also awesome for Lorna because she’s all over that ass after this last dry spell.

Vera comes over to Marco’s to tell him that she doesn’t care how amazing his cannoli is, she is not gonna sacrifice everything she’s done for her job just to stick by him. Feminism, y’all.

Over at the lesbian commune, Betty and Kate are awfully cozy on the couch while looking through bridal magazines. Betty is making a really good effort to be excited about what is imaginably the last fucking thing she wants to deal with ever. They talk about playing brides as kids and then Betty clears out after Ivan walks in and kisses Kate in a weird wet-sounding way. No thank you. Betty continues to be baffled and horrified by everything straight people do, especially when those straight people are the one dude you’ve ever banged and the one woman you’d do anything for if it meant feeling her love.

Ivan wants to get Kate’s brothers to come for the wedding. Kate says no, and Ivan says that she can’t say no. This marriage has success and happiness written all over it.

Bob is giving Sheila The Talk, and by The Talk, I mean the Don’t Date Indian Dudes in Arranged Marriages Talk. Sheila continues to be frustrated by her parents constant efforts to treat her like she is in middle school and freaking out about periods. Unfortunately, Dr. Patel shows up and Bob gives him the kind of icy stare that I typically reserve for college-aged men who have not learned respect for women. Note: this is about 99% of college-aged men.

Marco shows up at Gladys’ bachelorette/widow pad to confront her about all her spy shenanigans. I was worried for a second that the tractor beam in Gladys’ Magical Vagina was going to start doing its usual work. Luckily, Marco is guarded by the protective shield left from encounters with Vera’s Equally Powerful Vagina, so. Gladys is starting to realize that spywork is really shitty and is a gateway drug that leads to making out with weird Possibly British Dudes in dark corridors and betraying people you sort of care about. SPIES!

Dr. Patel comes over to Chez Sadness to talk to Bob, but Bob says that Dr. Patel is super awful and they’re not down with this whole thing he’s doing with Sheila. Dr. Patel shits himself because a Bob scorned is not a Bob to cross.

Gladys goes to Accent Inaccurate What to plead for Marco’s case. He talks for a long time about how some guy named Ed gave them evidence, and I realized during his angry talking that he purses his lips, like, A LOT. Even when he’s talking, his lips are in a pursed position. Also, I’m glad we’ve all decided to blame this storyline for the show not getting renewed. Gladys takes Marco’s file when Accent Inaccurate What isn’t looking, because maybe this will help to take further blame from Marco? By his file suddenly going missing? SPIES!

Betty is begging Vera to help with the bachelorette party because ain’t no party like a Vera Burr Party because a Vera Burr Party involves being naked. Lorna overhears and Betty awkwardly invites her. Because the person you want to take with you to the strip club is definitely your work supervisor. Yep.

Carol comes in and does some Grade A Carol Backstabbery and Vera straight up calls her a bee with an itch. Shoutout to this show for involving lesbian sex, illegitimate conceptions, and sexually liberated women, and still somehow managing to never curse.

Gladys goes to Marco to apologize and to show him that the man who has been reporting him has probably been the owner of the rival fireworks factory in town. I just want to take a hot second to say WHAT?! There is a “Rival Fireworks Factory” in Toronto whose sole objective is to take out their top competitor? They’re willing to throw the other factory owners in jail for life just to sell more fireworks? What other hijinks have these kids gotten up to in the past? I vote spin-off.

Gladys invites How Accent So Bad over to her apartment, and he brings booze and is all ready to get down to the dirty, but it turns out she is actually just arranging a meeting between him and Marco so they can stop the bomb plan and help each other. I have never seen a face more disappointed and sexually frustrated in my life. SPIES!

Sheila crashes dinner, which Reggie adorably excuses herself from to keep reading the latest issue of Rookie and finish watching Itty Bitty Titty Committee. Bob and Lorna realize this is not the dinner they had in mind, as Sheila yells at her parents for fucking with her life once again. Because fun fact, Dr. Patel has broken up his arranged marriage and now vowed to marry Sheila. Sheila wasn’t in this for a ring, y’all! Sheila is not the kind of girl you wife, she is the kind of girl who gets her rocks off and then reminds you not to hollaback once she’s done with you and sent you home to your fiancee. Sheila is a modern woman who was born about 20 years too early and does not have time for this prehistoric marriage bullshit. Sheila and Vera should start a club together called So Much More Than They’ve Got Planned and form a lesbian commune in the woods where no one will bother them about their liberated lifestyles. After they become lesbians, obviously.

And now for the most heartbreaking scene in the episode, and maybe in the past few episodes.

Ivan: It’s about Kate. Something’s off. I’ve never met somebody who’s so torn up about their family before.

Betty: Way I see it, our Kate never once felt loved. Til you, Ivy. That’s where you come in.

This scene broke my heart for a lot of reasons. It’s not just sad because Betty is having to tell Ivan point blank that he makes Kate feel loved, which is a gigantic sword in Betty’s sizeable dyke pride. It’s because Betty loved Kate (and probably still loves Kate, since love is not the kind of thing you can switch off when the unrequited feelings bill is too high this month) and wanted to make Kate feel loved with every bone in her body, and she’s not sure she ever accomplished that. She’s also not sure that Ivan does make Kate feel loved, but since she wants Kate to be happy she’s going to try and believe the same lies that have led Kate to the altar. And ultimately, Betty knows that it doesn’t matter if Kate has ever felt Betty’s love or not, because she’s about to marry Ivan and that’s the only person that Kate is supposed to love back.

Marco is using a little old Catholic guilt to get to Frankie by reminding him that his father isn’t locked up in jail like Marco’s father, hur-hur. Catholic guilt: The actual thing that raised me.

Things happen pretty quickly now: the important British royal sort of person shows up, Marco gets everyone arrested, Lorna and Bob start doing it on the couch. Most importantly, Kate’s mother is alive, which I totally didn’t call, and Kate sobs to see her again. We also sob because there hasn’t been enough sad in this episode and we have a tear quota to fill here.

Over at the opera, British What How has been caught in the Magical Vagina tractor beam. Blergh. But then we get the preview for next week and SHIT IS HAPPENING, GUYS. All I saw was Betty and Kate holding hands on the same bed and I spit out my whiskey sour. Let’s hope and pray to Saint Betty’s Holy Swagger that this is not the final recap I ever write for this show.

I Just Now Saw: Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Welcome to “I Just Now Saw,” a new column in which I attempt to conduct conversations about television shows you watched ten years ago and I just now saw, in their entirety, for the first time. I’ve got a serious backlog of shows I’ve recently seen that I wanna talk to you about but today I will begin with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the seminal lesbian feminist classic.

I think one of the primarily disarming feelings of watching a show all the way through, many years after it aired, is that you have to completely avoid reading anything about the show because you don’t wanna accidentally bite down on a spoiler. Buffy was particularly challenging in this regard — whereas I could read old Battlestar recaps knowing that the recapper knew as much as I did, Buffy was popular in the pre-internet-ubiquity age which means online recaps of Buffy were generally written a few years after the show stopped airing, meaning its authors had usually already seen the entire series before setting out to recap it. Therefore I was worried they might spoil a thing for me. You can’t read anything about it until you’re completely done watching it, at which point I just didn’t know where to even begin.

There’s just SO MUCH BUFFY that attempting to discuss seven seasons of 22 episodes each all in one post is nearly impossible, so I’ve just decided to focus on some of my largest feelings.

Top Ten Feelings I Have About Buffy The Vampire Slayer

1. It Was A Slow Starter

It’s not uncommon, of course, for a supposedly excellent television program to take some time to grow on me — The Wire and Battlestar Galactica, for example, took six or seven episodes to really suck me in (and then never let me go). But Buffy took a lot longer than that. It took three seasons, actually. I’d resisted researching the answer to the question “when do the lesbian parts start,” because my belief that the lesbian parts could begin at any moment was the only force driving me to continue watching episode after episode, especially every episode in which Drusilla had any lines. If I wanted to see what it looks like to have unusual teeth and talk like a melting cake, I’d take a bunch of Valium and look in the mirror, you know?

That being said, I’m not confident Buffy ever captured my entire attention at first, and by that I mean I was probs doing other things while watching, which likely contributed to my disenchantment. There was a monster of some kind, they killed it, then the episode was over. Everybody was dressed really bad and the special effects were almost comically terrible. None of the ongoing storylines snagged me — Angel seemed kinda broody and dumb, so I didn’t care about that, and Xander was obnoxious and Willow was talking in a weird baby voice all the time and I just kinda wanted to get a beer with Giles, and I don’t even drink beer. And maybe neither does Giles.

I also think the super-clever humor is one of the show’s strongest points, and you tend to “get it” more when you’ve already fallen for all the characters and for the concept in general. I think I’d like Seasons One and Two a lot better now than I did at the time because it would be more hilarious.

2. Buffy Wasn’t My Bestie

I think part of my late-start problem is that it took me eighteen lightyears to wrap my head around the idea of Sarah Michelle Geller playing a feminist heroine. I’m not in the “feminist heroines can’t look like Barbie Dolls and if they do it’s not progressive” camp because, hello, it’s television, have you met Veronica Mars or any other female heroine on any show ever, but this was a radically new context in which to see SMG. I’d never found her particularly inspiring as an actress, she was just that girl who dated the equally coma-inducing Freddy Prinze Jr and starred in all the 90’s movies I hated JUST KIDDING I LOVED THEM ESPECIALLY SHE’S ALL THAT AND CRUEL INTENTIONS. [But I loved them in a way dissimilar to how I expected to love Buffy, obviously.]

So what was it, then, that separated me from really connecting with Buffy Summers? She’s an outsider and a strong woman and I love both of those things. This is my best guess: she’s not a dork. She may be an outsider, but she’s not a nerd or an intellectual or, at least at first, much of a deep thinker in general. She doesn’t read books, understand computers, like school or get good grades. So it was Willow, then, who served as my ambassador to the show, at least at first (I think every show has one or more “ambassador,” your anchor, the person you can identify with or feels honest to you, like Alice on The L Word and Hurley on Lost and Jim on The Office). Willow was the nerd. She was so nerdy that she learned her way into powerful witchdom!

But then shit got dark, y’all! (more on this in a minute) Shit got super dark in later seasons and as Buffy became a Woman, she became a Woman I related to.

Oddly, I also felt closer to her in later seasons because of what she said and felt about the responsibility that comes with leading a group of (mostly female) humans in a united cause and being the Decider.

Faith: “I’m looking at you, and everything you have, and I don’t know, I’m jealous. Then there I am. Everybody’s looking to me, trusting me to lead them and I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life.”
Buffy: “Yeah?”
Faith: “And that’s you, every day, isn’t it?”
Buffy: “I love my friends. I’m very grateful for them. But that’s the price of being Slayer.”

3. Everything Looks So Familiar

At least half the cast of Buffy consists of actors I strongly associate with their other work. It took me a long time to get over the fact that Xander was dating Susan Keats from 90210. I had no idea this show was so chock-full of humans I know in radically different contexts.

Oz // Kenny Fisher from “Can’t Hardly Wait.” // Seth Green

Anya // Susan Keats from Beverly Hills 90210 // Emma Caulfield

Susan was Brandon Walsh’s harpy feminist girlfriend from the newspaper who was probably really awesome and I’d totally love her now in a Miranda-from-SATC-way, but when I was thirteen I could only see her as an obstacle between Brandon Walsh and his true love Kelly Taylor. Also because Susan was a wet blanket.

Cordelia // Rebecca, the manipulative bitchmom from The Lying Game. // Charisma Carpenter

Dawn // Harriet the motherfucking spy. // Michelle Trachtenberg

Faith // Missy Pantone from Bring It On // Eliza Dushku

Xander // Kevin Lynch from Criminal Minds // Nicholas Brendon

Willow // Band Camp Girl from American Pie // Allyson Hannigan

Buffy // Evil bitch from Cruel Intentions // Sarah Michelle Geller

4. Tara and Willow Are So Gay

Aw, the 90’s! When it was such a huge deal for a lesbian couple to exist in the first place that having them act sexual towards one another would’ve been downright scandalous. But just like how Lucy and Ricardo’s separate beds strike present-day audiences as hopelessly antiquated and foolishly prudish, Willow & Tara’s tender sexless affections seemed a bit quaint at first. Plus they were always dressed in those long flowy skirts they sell at bougie boutiques by the waterfront in Berkeley which summoned memories of the pandering sexless lesbian image of the 1990’s. They didn’t kiss for the first eighteen episodes of their relationship! But still, it was groundbreaking shit and became the longest-running lesbian relationship on network television at the time.

I knew only one thing about their relationship going into it: that Tara would die. But I didn’t know about the tender and funny “coming out” scene with Buffy, or about all the funny gay jokes that would ensue or about what a good singer Amber Benson is. (JK I already knew that last one because prior to my marathon, I’d seen Once More With Feeling at Intern X’s apartment in like 2010 and we were all so stoned I couldn’t tell the difference between television and real life.)

Also I liked Kennedy as Willow’s partner too? Which I guess is also an unpopular opinion.

5. Oh, Spike

So I have this weird affection for bad-bois-turned-good-for-love. Like if an asshole does one tiny redeeming thing, I develop a panic that if he’s not rewarded for said redeeming action, that he’ll never do anything good again or believe in the good of mankind. (I have similar emotional reactions to every tiny thing Obama does for gay people, as you may have noticed.) Besides, Spike seemed more interesting than Angel, who reminds me of a loaf of bread, or Riley, who reminds me of meatloaf. I’d rather make out with a cardboard box. Or a cardboard box cutter. Or Finn Hudson. I don’t know what it is about men, they just have a habit of reminding me of carbohydrates and razorblades.

Spike, though! Young Spike in his glasses, reading love poems that nobody but his mother wants to hear! Evil Spike with the trench coat flapping in the wind with the fury of a thousand outsiders trying too hard to look cool! Spike with his heart, looking after Dawn, playing teacher’s assistant for the new class of slayers!

Prior to watching Buffy, I’d heard of and about Angel but never heard of Spike, so I assumed my affection for Spuffy was about as unpopular as my affection for Shenny (DON’T HATE), but after I’d watched the series I asked Laneia and she said everybody liked Spike! Silly me.

Remember when Spike went and visited Buffy at her job at the fast food restaurant? That was so cute. It’s always special when you’re trapped in a low-paying job which requires you to wear a profoundly stupid uniform and then your real friends from the real world come visit and catch you in all your uniformed scripted corporately-compliant glory.

[Yes, I cannot fit “Seeing Red” into my consciousness, cannot really know what to do with that. Because no. Just no. It failed on so many levels. If you’re going to use an attempted rape scene in your show, especially in a show about empowering women, you follow through or you don’t, and they didn’t, although Buffy Wiki says the writers stood by the decision, claiming “that moment was necessary to set up a powerful motivation for Spike’s quest to gain a soul.” But I don’t think so. Plus as metaphors go, that’s a weak one with no legitimate parallel in real life. I’ve read a lot of analyses of this since watching it which has lead me to conclude that there are so many angles from which this scene (and episode) fails that I can’t do it justice in this one paragraph, or even in many paragraphs quite yet. ]

6. Shit Got Dark

When shit got dark, that’s when I started relating, that’s when I fell in love with the show, and not just Season Six but how it made her stronger, I think, in Season Seven. It made her ready to lead. Sometimes being in charge is a way of keeping yourself healthy, you know? Those weren’t the seasons everybody else liked, were they? Those weren’t the seasons everybody liked. But that’s when Buffy became a thing to me. When she was depressed. When she missed death, when she wished she could be a part of death again. When she slipped into Spike’s lair and let him push her hard because she just needed to feel something, anything, just anything besides the tedium of being alive.

All day you do things you’re supposed to do — things you need to do, things you’re obligated or expected to do by others — because that’s just what there is to do. You don’t want to do anything so you can only do the things you need to do. But here is a thing you both want to do and do not need to do. So what do you do. You do it.

I get that.

7. I Love Andrew

I think Andrew was my Anya. He was one of my favorite parts of the show. I also loved how he was gay but it wasn’t a thing, it was just funny. Gay guys always steal the show from the gay girls but he didn’t.

[I was hoping that Vex would be my New Andrew on Lost Girl, but I’ll talk about that more in I Just Now Saw: Lost Girl.]

8. I Didn’t Hate Dawn

There are many ways in which the traditional viewing experience differs from the marathon-viewing experience. Dawn’s storyline, I think, is a perfect example of this. When Dawn appeared out of the great blue nothing at Season Five’s start, I honestly thought I’d just missed something in the previous Season which would explain her presence, but six hours later I knew the truth about what she was doing there. If I’d had to wait six weeks to know what the hell she was doing up in Buffy’s situation, maybe I would’ve hated her like everybody did — but I didn’t. She was a 13-year-old girl, you know? There were episodes in later seasons where she annoyed the living fuck out of me, though.

9. Buffy Isn’t Bad at Relationships!

Why were Buffy and her pals so obsessed with the idea that Buffy can’t “make it work” with guys and all of her relationships are disasters? Um, she had two boyfriends before Spike. Angel, and then Riley. Like all relationships that end — a.k.a., every single relationship you’re ever in except for the one you’re in when you die — their relationships didn’t work.

10. What Makes Buffy Special

I think a lot of it is that they use ALL THE TROPES! But in a really exciting, fresh, fun way. Like almost the entire thing is potentially meta. There’s an attention to detail that manifests itself in really surprising ways, and fails in really surprising ways at times, too, you know? I think it did fail, from time to time, but only because it was so ambitious in the first place.

But of course, also the lady-thing!  I basically cried through the entire finale, and not because I was sad — I’d sort of prepared myself for everybody dying and was pleased that not EVERYBODY died any anyhow, the show was over so who cares who’s dead or not— but when all the potential slayers become slayers? I’m moved to tears by this epic exhibition of raw Girl Power, especially when all fifteen girls are suddenly infused with the power and confidence to kick 100 asses apiece. It was beautiful.

VIDEO: SNL’s Top Lez Kate McKinnon Does Ellen Impersonation On Ellen

Kate McKinnon, the first out lesbian performer on Saturday Night Live and former Big Gay Sketch Show cast member appeared on Ellen’s show today. Ellen gave Kate an Ellen outfit and then Kate ran with it and it was super-cute.

VIDEO: Hitler Reacts to “Lost Girl” Finale

Everybody kept bugging me to watch Lost Girl and so about a month ago I dove right in, eating the show as fast I could, episode by episode via Netflix. With only 25 minutes to spare before last night’s finale episode aired on SyFy, I finally became officially all the way caught up and was therefore prepared to watch Lost Girl on the television instead of on Netflix or On-Demand and although it was thrilling to witness Lost Girl at the same time other people were witnessing Lost Girl, I’m not feeling too good about what I witnessed. I haven’t processed my feelings about this three-season feast quite yet (but I will discuss them in an edition of my upcoming column I Just Now Saw), but a friend of my (Canadian) girlfriend’s who writes for the show passed on this lovely video which made me laugh and I just had to share it with you.

I can’t embed it properly because the YouTube page embed is of the video without captions, and obviously the whole point is the captions, so you can either watch it below if the embed works or you can watch it at CaptionGenerator. You really should. Seriously it’s really funny you need to watch it. SPOILERS ABOUND.

“Bomb Girls” Cancelled, Fuck Me In The Ear

This morning I was contacted by two intrepid Bomb Girls fans, TeeJay and Yolanda, who were attempting to ensure a third season of our favorite historical television drama and hoping to enlist the support of this website, the first lesbian media outlet to notice or write about the fan-fucking-tastic program. TeeJay and Yolanda informed me that  “the ratings were very good considering the amount of total viewers from Canada AND an immeasurable number of overseas fans who are (unofficially) watching the show from all around the world.” Obviously we were prepared to throw our entire selves into this effort.

But only moments after reading that email, one of our Contributing Editors informed me that today, Bomb Girls was officially axed. They will finish the season and then that will be the end of the show.

The bright side is that Global will conclude the series with a two-hour movie event! See:

Global is honoured to have been able to bring the award-winning and critically acclaimed Bomb Girls to audiences across Canada.  This truly unique original drama series illuminates the life-altering experiences of brave Canadian women who risked their lives working in a munitions factory during the Second World War. We are pleased to share that we will be creating a Bomb Girls two-hour TV movie event to premiere winter 2014 which will conclude the rich storylines and the amazing journeys of these beloved characters which have strongly resonated with the show’s loyal fans.

Needless to say, this remains an immense loss for all of lesbiankind. Although her style vacillates and is largely constricted by the time period, Betty McRae is as close to a lead masculine-of-center lesbian character we’ve got on television right now (arguably Brienne of Tarth in Game of Thrones is another contender, although as far as I can tell — and I can’t tell much because Game of Thrones confuses the living fuck out of me — her sexual orientation hasn’t been discussed), and Betty’s one of a few queer female characters to make it into a historical television series ever. It’s so incredibly rare that we’re granted a glimpse of pre-1990s lesbian life in a television program like we are in Bomb Girls. (The BBC’s adaptations of Sarah Waters novels are billed as miniseries/made-for-tv movies, not TV shows.) We were blessed with Lana Winters, the lesbian lead of American Horror Story, this year, and her story, while hardly rooted in historical fact, did take place in the 60’s. But besides that it seems like every journey back in television time grants us at least a few leading homos, but it’s aways men: Downton Abbey‘s Thomas, Game of Thrones‘ Renly Baratheon and Loras Tyrll, The Borgias‘ Michelotto Corella, Mad Men‘s Salvatore Romano, a few of the guys on The Tudors and some of the dudes in Spartacus. (Yes, some of those shows, like Mad Men, have had little lesbian parts, but not leads.)

It wasn’t until I saw Betty McRae that I knew I’d never seen anything like her. Bomb Girls got me interested in learning about lesbian history — I was interested in the kind of lesbian culture that was able to thrive in wartime due to the absence of men and the ease with which women were permitted to enter the workforce. Fast forward several history books and a few months later, and we were launching Autostraddle’s Summer of Lesbian History, The Way We Were/The Herstory Issue, an article series which included the madly viral and widely talked-about gallery 150 Years of Lesbians. That never would’ve happened without Bomb Girls.

But it’s not just lesbian representation that makes Bomb Girls so special, it’s its exemplary feminist leanings. Rosie O’Donnell‘s guest spot as a journalist two weeks ago was perhaps the show’s most explicitly feminist episode, as the expose her character did on the factory revealed the enormous pay gap between men and the women who were doing the same, if not more, work. This was a revolutionary conversation to have during a time when middle-class white women weren’t allowed, let alone expected, to enter the workforce in the first place and were only in the Bomb Factory to begin with because all the men were overseas. But even cooler and more feminist than that is the character of Vera, who has blossomed this season into a delightfully promiscuous sex-positive woman of the world.

These were full female characters I could’ve followed for seasons upon seasons to come. I mean, they just introduced the first black female character! Like five episodes ago! And now it’s almost over? I was looking forward to seeing how the girls would adjust to post-wartime life, when mainstream culture did its very best to put middle-class working women like them back in their place (the kitchen!). With few men around, two women going out to a bar together wasn’t seen as suspect, but that would change in the 50’s.  There’s just so much to work with there, so many stories to tell, and I feel like we’d barely gotten started with this one. Are Betty and Kate gonna hook up or what.

The movie is a consolation, to be sure, but damn I’ll miss this show (and, of course, Kate’s recaps). If anybody has a billion dollars laying around they’d like to donate to Autostraddle, we’d be more than happy to air the show right here every day, forever and ever.

** tweet with the #savebombgirls hashtag to make @Global_TV change their minds!! **

Glee Episode 419 Recap: Sweet Dreams Are Not Made Of This Episode

Welcome to the 18th recap of the fourth abysmal season of Glee, a show about a family of donkeys running a profitable amusement park franchise and a bunch of good-looking kids in Ohio who like to sing about being losers and the first-ever giant potato to enroll in a non-existent University mid-semester! It’s sort of like Punky Brewster, but with more animals.

Hey did you guys know that Robin and Carly went to the GLAAD Awards last night? They sure did. Unfortunately, the closest we got to interviewing Naya Rivera was taking a picture of somebody else interviewing Naya Rivera:

Also, look how cute these kids are!

Well I guess we better leap into this recap, eh? FYI, Glee‘s being renewed for another two goshdarn seasons. For anybody keeping score at home, the following lesbionic programs never made it to Season Five: Lip Service, Sugar Rush, South of Nowhere, The Real Stupid L Word, Gimme Sugar, Exes & Ohs. If you wanna see Lesbian Executive Realness on your television box, may I suggest moving to Canada, home of Degrassi, Lost Girl and Bomb Girls.

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We open in the deep sweet valleys of Lima, Ohio, where Finn has enrolled (mid-semester, apparently?) at The University of Lima, the lowest-ranked school in The Imaginary Ten, a prestigious group of imaginary academic institutions including but not limited to Joey Potter’s alma matter Worthington University, the esteemed UC – Sunnydale, California University (a historic vestige of academic excellence, the former home not only of Bette Porter‘s brief career in academia but also the thriving social lives of a rag-tag gang of rowdy youths from Beverly Hills 90210 and a similar assemblage of white people known as Saved By the Bell: The College Years), Degrassi-gateway-school Smithdale University, The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, Felicity’s beloved University of New York,  The University of Los Angeles (Carlton Banks both attended and served as school mascot) and Cosby favorite Hillman University.

Lima U, howevs, isn’t like those Universities, or even like a real University, or even like anything real that has ever been real ever in the history of realness. At Lima U, classes, study halls, pleasant strolls on campus and alone time in one’s dorm room are repeatedly interrupted by a rabid band of Harlem Shakers in bikinis.

Much like Ye Olde Gangham Style, I’d avoided even the most preliminary knowledge of the Harlem Shake prior to its inclusion on Glee, at which point I was forced to look into it. Much like Glee itself, the appropriation of this dance is racist. So there’s that.

Finn returns to his dorm room, which’s also packed with half-naked teenagers doing their own interpretation of the Harlem Shake.

When the Jimmy Eat World music video extras clear out, Finn notices that his roommate has vanished and been replaced by…

…Old Man Puck! Old Man Puck’s not here to take classes, he’s here for “my bro, some brews, and the bountiful Bettys.” Judging by that language, Puck’s approximately 75 years too old for this nonsense.

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We then slap on our shin guards, lace up our cleats, put band-aids over our earrings and run a mile, another mile, and then a lot more miles until we reach New York, New York, where The New Rachel is preparing for her Funny Girl audition by looking at herself in the mirror in different hats and looking at her Barbara Streisand shrine.

Rachel’s sworn off men and dedicated herself to this audition. Mhm. That’s what all the girls say about why they swore off men. Audition, aushmishon.

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After some orange wedges and a pouch of Frui-ttastic Capri Sun, we land back in Lima for an adult scene, and you know how I feel about adult scenes.

The most important part of this scene is that NeNe Leeks, the new Cheerios coach, tells Beiste and William that she heard gunshots all the time in the ghetto and they need to move on. Also, Beiste compares Will’s relationship with Finn to her relationship with her sister and says he should reunite with his starchy friend. Thrilling!

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Back in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, Marley-Kate monologues that she’s snatched her songsheets from her bottom drawer and is on the road to becoming Joni Mitchell.

Marley-Kate says everyone’s got PTSD now, so Sam has an imaginary Australian twin brother and Unique is taking birth control because that’s what all the cool trans kids are doing to “turn their Bs into Ds,” and Tina is dressing like “steampunk” because that’s what all the cool kids are doing, and then Sam is on the phone with his smart twin. Also, MIT is recruiting Brittany.

Marley says Unique shouldn’t take birth control pills, and I kinda wish they weren’t throwing this idea out there into the world sans context, ’cause Unique’s yet to broach the topic of HRT or whether or not she has access to a trans-friendly health provider and it seems a little irresponsible to start (and end, so far) that conversation with this? The internet’s got 245 conflicting opinions regarding the safety of transgirls taking birth control pills, but I think it’s pretty unanimous that Loestrin is unlikely to make a difference in her rack. Do any of y’all have a definite answer on this? (Also, do any of y’all know of a transgender woman who writes about Glee/Unique regularly? I’ve been combing the internet for three weeks and come up short, the closest I’ve found is a tumblr by a girl who is dating a trans* woman, I think? I’d love to hear a trans* female perspective on her portrayal.)

Tina’s Steampunk phase, however, is delightfully reminiscent of her fashion-forward Season One attitude, and besides somebody’s gotta pick up the Ridiculous Outfit torch that Lady Hummel left burning a hole in the Glee Room’s linoleum.

Then Mr. Shue pops in with his marker to write DREAMS on the Whiteboard, ’cause that’s the theme for Regionals, which has been 2-3 weeks away for 2-3 months. They’ll be doing “Dream Weaver,” “You Make My Dreams Come True,” and “Sweet Dreams.” Marley suggests they do original songs ’cause she wants them to do her original songs from her secret box, and Mr. Shue shoots her down. I wish he’d shot her downton.

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Cut to Glee Club Secret Meeting, where everybody’s gathered to discuss how much Mr. Shue’s setlist sucks. Artie suggests doing “current songs” and Marley suggests doing original songs, like the songs she wrote, and Fake Quinn says nobody wants to hear a song about a fat mom.

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Back at the imaginary University of Lima, aerodynamic youths are eating ironed grilled cheezuses and squirting down the Slip-n-Slide. Turns out that Finn has finally ascended to the ultimate level of douchebag straight cis white male: college douchebag straight cis white male!

Puck catapults down a Slip-n-Slide while a tater tot in an Aloha shirt forces nubile youngsters to discard their bikini tops to earn admission to his hallway.

Mr. Shue pops in to grovel and ask for Finn to forgive him for not forgiving him and return to Glee Club, but Finn just acts super-douchey and mega-busy. Then Puck pops in to gush that he’s secured the winsome duo an invite to the Biggest Party of The Year!

“It’s a nice offer,” says Finn to Mr. Shue, unbuttoning his shirt like a sociopathic dicknail, “But as you can see, I’m busy with college.”

Seriously, Finn’s got this sociopathic dicknail voice that he uses sometimes that literally makes my skin crawl. Do you know what I’m talking about?

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Meanwhile in McKinley High’s Glee Room, the children attempt to dissuade Shue from his setlist, which doesn’t go over well. Unique pulls a chicken cutlet from her bra and hands it to Blaine and says, “mm, you might need some woman parts to help you sell that.”

Mr. Shue loses his shit:

Mr. Shue: “Honestly I don’t even know what’s going on in this room anymore. Openly defying me? Unique, you need to tone it down with whole boob thing. Sam, we all know you don’t have a twin brother and frankly, it’s distracting, and Blaine, I am disappointed in you for letting this go on.”

Maybe while he’s telling Unique to “tone it down with the whole boob thing” he should tell Artie to tone it down with that whole wheelie-chair thing and Blaine to tone it down with that whole liking-boys thing and yannow, maybe also ask Fake Quin, Brit-Brit, Marley-Kate and Tina to tone it down with their whole boob thing because seriously YOU ARE A GROWN MAN EZRA FITZSHUE, YOU CANNOT TALK TO YOUR FEMALE STUDENTS ABOUT THEIR BOOBS. Furthermore, cramming Unique’s boobs and Sam’s imaginary twin brother into the same point creates a really really problematic equation. Honestly can’t somebody in the Glee writers room at least scroll through the ‘transgender’ tag on tumblr or something? Anything?

I have this fantasy where the next time somebody says something obnoxious and transphobic or trans misogynist to/about Unique that Marley-Kate will punch that asshat in the face and Unique will just grab a motherfucking chair, stand atop that piece, and belt Wings by Little Mix like a boss. Alas, this world is not my world, it is Glee-world.

Mr. Shue says he’s gonna go grab some java and when he returns they better be ready to rehearse his songs, even though everybody knows they never rehearse for Regionals!

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Glee Renewed For Two More Seasons, Fuck Me In The Ear

Despite near-consistent suckage for the entire fourth season, it was announced today that Glee will be returning for two additional seasons! Even lackluster ratings won’t stop Fox from charging full-speed ahead with everybody’s favorite musical potato-mashing program. On the downside, the show kinda sucks. On the upside, this offers two more years for Rachel Berry to use her Metro-North pass and for Santana Lopez to take the train to tuna-town if you know what I mean.

Ryan Murphy is considering mixing things up for Season Five and setting the whole goshdarn thing in New York City… or not? Says Murphy:

“I think what we’re going to do, and I have to wait until that moment to announce, but what we’re going to do with the show is very different. Not everybody will go to New York, because I think that’s really unrealistic. I really like this season, and I liked going back and forth, but I would really like at one point for a huge chunk of them to stay in one location, which we’ll probably do next year. We just started to talk about that.

I loved going back and forth, and I think we’ll always have one foot in both, but I would like a big chunk to follow one particular story that we’re getting ready to launch at the end of this year. It’s going to be a big cliffhanger.”

When asked about the upcoming graduation of Blaine, Tina, Artie and Brittany, Ryan Murphy advised us not to bank on a teary graduation episode because “we’re doing some weird shit on the show, just wait.” WHAT THE WEIRD SHIT HASN’T ALREADY STARTED? THEN WHAT THE HELL HAVE I BEEN WATCHING? Furthermore, Ry-Ry added “I don’t want to do what we’ve done every year, I want to do something different.” Well, that’s a new idea.

Lea Michele had already given some lip to the future back in March:

“I’ve heard of one formula for next year that is very exciting. I have an idea of what it is. It’s new and different than what we’ve done this year. You’ll still get to see both locations [– at McKinley and in New York –] because I’m still going to be on the show and so are the kids that are in high school. But who knows what the whole year will be or what the show will morph into throughout the year. It will be very exciting — and I’m not going anywhere!”

Fox’s decision to sign the show on for another two seasons is curious — with this season’s rapid decline in the ratings, you’d think they’d wanna protect themselves from continually steep movements in that direction. But Glee performs well within the 18-39 demo and sells a lot of iTunes singles, though neither of those metrics are performing as well as they used to. Ratings are down 50% from their best season (Season Two), and don’t appear to be picking up.

Personally, I feel the show lost its charm when it became abundantly clear that almost every external factor in the entire universe mattered more than the characters, stories and lively musical numbers we’d fallen in love with. The most obvious example of this is the prioritization of iTunes sales over making good television, but for me personally it was the inclusion of Glee Project winners that really knocked Glee off its pedestal. (The iTunes thing actually doesn’t bother me at all, but I know that’s an unpopular opinion.) The Glee Project never performed well in the ratings, attracting some passive viewers but mostly a passionate audience of Glee diehards who took Glee seriously enough to wish they themselves were on the program and were therefore willing to endure endless portions of gratuitous Glee back-pats piled on top of traditional reality show nonsense.

Part of Glee‘s magic was that it had found these actors and actresses who were just starting out, who’d been on a few shows or performed on Broadway but just hadn’t had their big break yet. Lea Michele was already famous on Broadway and Glee was obviously a perfect fit, but I already knew Lea, so for me it was performers like Naya Rivera and Amber Riley that really caught my attention.

But when the cast began getting swarmed by nobodies who never contributed in any meaningful way to the show’s plot, cast, or music I felt, as a viewer, kinda… cheated? Like, having this additional media property on Oxygen is more important to y’all then telling a story or developing the characters we care about? Both Rory and Joe seemed to exist only to appease the minuscule cult fan base they’d cultivated on the reality show and their presence in the Gleeiverse was distracting and almost insulting. Although the parallel seems too convenient to be accurate, The L Word made similar missteps as its fourth season began: sidelining continuing stories in favor of piling on heaps of temporary, thrice-removed-from-the-main-cast characters and prioritizing the promotion and integration of OurChart over the quality of the show on the actual television. I’d actually argue that Unique is the only good thing to come out of The Glee Project because her character, while thus far totally handled poorly, at least filled a void. But the three skinny straight white boys all up in my eyeballs? NEXT.

I imagine hiring unknowns is key to keeping costs down, however. When the show debuted in 2009, it was reported that episodes cost upwards of $3 million each to produce, 50 percent more than the average prime-time drama. The demanding musical numbers mean each episode takes 10 days to shoot, which is 25 percent longer than the norm. Ryan Murphy told The New York Times even then that Glee intended to earn back its money by selling “several soundtracks a year.”

In that same 2009 Times article, Murphy notes that producers have “already been approached about a “Glee” tour with the cast, a film and a Broadway show” and, furthermore, that there’s “even talk” of “Glee on Ice.”

Now that’s a Season Five I’d gladly tune in for.

Bomb Girls 210 Recap: Everyone Knows Everyone in the Biblical Sense

This week on Bomb Girls, Betty’s military booty call goes long distance, Vera makes everyone teary-eyed with her perfection, and Gladys’ magical vagina continues to act as a doofus magnet. Yep, if you thought McBond meant the end to your Make Betty Happy Fund, better pull out the jar and count your quarters, because homegirl is back to square one and we’re still crying about it.

Also, it’s a Marco episode, which is either great or terrible news depending on how you feel about cannoli. And by cannoli, I mean Marco’s wang.

Marco is having an Italian Party, which I guess is where you arm wrestle and roll around in tubs of marinara sauce and encourage each other to join fascist groups. Unfortunately, his mom comes home early to a kitchen full of half-naked muscular Italian men and makes a mental note to add this moment to the running list on her Livejournal of “Reasons Marco Might Be Gay or Fascist”. She also explains that she got totally discriminated against at the supermarket for squeezing too many cantaloupe. I, too, have had that issue, Sra. Moretti, but it usually ends with the girl telling me she has other places for me to put my hands.

That supermarket happened to be Witham’s Emporium of Well-Priced Beans and Daughters Who Keep Making Out With Everybody. Marco says he’s gonna fix this. Considering the fact that every time Marco attempts to do something good, he is immediately accused of being an Italian fascist spy, I have a feeling this is going to be super successful!

Somewhere in a car that is probably in the Greater Toronto Area, Terrible British Accent and Gladys are driving around talking about spy things. Terrible British Accent says that Marco is a security threat. Gladys is like, yeah, you and every other writer who has rehashed this narrative about five times this season. He hands her a file full of Evidence Marco Is Bad and tells her to look it over. SPIES!

Back in Marco’s kitchen, Frankie is talking about how Canada makes Italians eat crow when they just want to eat spaghetti, and Marco is inspired to action because if there’s one thing you don’t want to fuck with an Italian on, it’s their goddamned food. There’s a lot of yelling and hand gestures and mentions of eating. In my adventures of dating a Very Italian Girl, I have gotten used to frantic hand gestures as a Thing Italians Do, but I’ve found it’s also a great way to assess one’s lesbian sexual abilities with nothing more than a conversation. In this conversation, we learn that Marco is probably great at reaching the g-spot, while Frankie is better suited for fisting. Fun.

Frankie gives Marco a little handbook about fascism so Marco can become a fascist. This is like when lesbians distribute little handbooks about lesbianism to convert girls to lesbianism! That’s how we do it, folks. Secret divulged.

Meanwhile on Chilly Housewives of Toronto, Lorna and Reggie are reading the morning paper and refreshing Hulu to see when the new episode of The Daily Show will be online. After hearing Jon Stewart’s bit about the Nazis taking down a civilian ship in Newfoundland, they are interrupted by the milkman, with whom Lorna is sharing a weirdly erotic moment. Did I mention the moment was erotic and weird? She gives him a hard time about where he leaves the cream, and the amount of tension is disturbing. Lorna literally says “naughty neighbors steal my cream.” Bomb Girls: the show that continues to go there even when you are not sure that’s a place you want to go.

The ladies that own my heart are all convening before work, stressed the fuck out due to news that the enemy is now in Canadian waters. But wait! Ivan and Kate’s wedding announcement is in the paper, complete with an adorable caricature that I’m going to need to be Lesbianized asap. Betty’s reactions to these Kate/Ivan situations continue to be top notch.

I’ll say this, though. The tension between Kate and Betty is at a level it has not been in ages, maybe ever, and sorry for not being sorry that my little McAndrews heart is excited to see anything between them. There is so much unresolved shit here, and I’m all about a version of the story where that intense emotion finally reaches its fruition.

In other lesbian news, Teresa is shipping out. Betty’s reaction to this is accurately summed up here:

Vera and Marco are having lunch and being adorable while Gladys not so subtly listens in on their conversation. Gladys, I love you, okay? I love your angel face and your perfect hair, but sometimes I genuinely wonder what you are doing with your life. Then she joins them for lunch and gives them oatmeal raisin cookies. SPIES!

Marco tells Gladys that her family’s stores are dens of sin and misery. Gladys interprets this as Fascist Talk. SPIES!

Betty joins Ivan and Kate for lunch because I guess it’s not awkward that Ivan has boned both ladies at the table? Ivan is experiencing a situation that I like to call The Bryn Mawr Dining Hall Every Single Day. Ivan and Kate are wedding planning which is exactly what a lesbian wants to witness her former crush and beard doing right after she’s been told the only girl she’s ever had sex with is leaving forever. Kate is lying through her teeth about her family and Betty is onto her ass. Mostly because Betty is the only one who knows Kate’s darkest secrets, and vice versa. Oh, ladies, someday you’ll figure this all out.

Terrible Accent Sir tells Gladys she needs to get close to Vera to learn Marco’s secrets, and Gladys actually does what he says. Gladys, baby girl, sweet cheeks? What are you doing, honey? She suggests that she and Vera go “cry into some beers” which is weirdly a thing I don’t suggest to my friends but something that happens anyway?

Vera is suspicious of Gladys’ magical vagina, second only to Taylor Swift’s magical vagina, and gives her the Lucille Bluth side-eye before walking away.

Lorna is supervising a dance class because VicMu is actually a girls’ summer camp that happens to make bombs. The dance instructor is none other than Weirdly Erotic Milkman, who flashes her the look of Tryna, to which Lorna literally responds “YOU?”

Anyway they flirt and dance and it looks like we’re about to get our hands on another Lorna Infidelity Plotline, minus cannoli, plus milk. Girl has definitely got a food thing going for her. Whatever gets you off, honey.

Glee Recap 418: Shooting Star, But Without Any Shooting Or Stars

Welcome to the eighteenth recap of Glee, a show about a fat orange cat who just wants to sleep, eat lasagna, kick his lousy beagle frenemy off a table and mail his adorable little kitten to Abu Dhabi. Riese won’t be joining us this week because sometimes Glee is just, like, too much you know? I’m sorry this is late though, for real, I just already had loads of feelings about it. Don’t worry though, I’ll fill in the gaps for those of you playing at home.

This week’s episode starts off with a viewer discretion warning, because yes yes yes this episode will make you have tons of feelings because it discusses school violence and man is that a loaded topic. I was so furiously warned about the emotional impact of this episode that I literally had my knots in chest the entire episode. Every scene of Shooting Star was framed to convince you that a shooter could burst in at any moment.

There wasn’t even a “That’s what you missed on Glee.”

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We open on Will “I can’t believe my solo carrer didn’t work out and I’m still stuck doing this bullshit” Schuester welcomes Glee Club 2.0 to the stage where he announces their competition for Regionals! From Some High School in Indiana it’s the Hoosierdaddies and from Our Lady of Perpetual Loneliness in Michigan it’s the Nuntouchables.

In case this wasn’t immediately clear to you and you had to google it, “Hoosier” is what you call someone from Indiana. The more you know! As for the Nuntouchables, I’d be inclined to believe they must be an all girls Catholic school and not a convent except that school in Gleeland is called Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow and their team is The Golden Goblets! If they really wanted to do an all girls choir, instead of a convent somehow squirreling a team of nuns into a high school choir competition, maybe it really should have been an all lesbian 1950’s themed show choir named The Titty Boppers! Glee: hire me for the writing team; I’m available.

Just then we get this screen image thing and I think it’s going to be a shooter.

But it’s not, so hold on to your deep stress relieving breathing! Instead, Brittany busts in and announces there’s another astroid/comet/meteor coming directly towards the school. Is it an awesome comet made of lesbians? Nope, it’s the terrible type. The world is going to end soon! Didn’t we already go through this? Y’all need to be more creative.

Blaine:Didn’t we just go through this at Christmas?
Tina:Yeah, and is it true that you and Sam got married? Did that happen?
Brittany:

Either way now Brittany wants to sing songs all about last words to people but mostly to her cat Lord Tubbington. Schue is totally into this idea even though it’s sort of alarmist. At this point you would think he would set up a meeting between Brittany and his fiance/girlfriend/ladywoman guidance counselor about distinguishing between real and imaginary and the effect that declaring the end of the world might have on other students. Nope, he’s gonna have them all sing about all of their feelings towards each other. Which is somehow different than what they do every week? I’d love to comment on that more but I’m too distracted by Artie’s commitment to mimicking Mr. Schue’s body language.

Meanwhile, Ryder-Bieber Strong finally sees That Girl He Met On Tumblr Because They Both Used #Nooneunderstands, Katiexoxo6969.Surprise surprise she goes to McKinley which somehow never ever came up in conversation despite the fact that they’ve told each other absolutely everything and have been in online love for at least three weeks now! That’s okay though, because true love isn’t about know where somebody lives or grew up or about their family. It’s about knowing how they deeply connect to Jimmy Eat World’s The World You Love. Just to clarify, The World You Love wasn’t in this episode but totally should have been.

She’s blonde and perfect, so Ghost Ryder does what any healthy young Frosted Flake eating high school boy would do and goes running to talk to his best friend/worst enemy/equally bland character Puck 2.0.

Either way, you know the blonde girl probably isn’t Katiexoxo6969 even before Ryder-Beiber Strong shows up at her locker about to piss himself. Why do we know she’s probably not real? Probably because she looks confused for every single second that he’s speaking to her.

Ryder-face drags blondie to the choir room to sing her his favorite rendition of Your Song. Blondie is so adorable and honestly I fall in love with her a little bit throughout the song because we all know how much I love a girl in a scarf. She also falls hopelessly in love with Ryder during the song, evident by her shrugging shoulders and occasional smiling, which I find surprising based on the fact that so far his character has basically been presented as 93% bigot, 6% Finn, 1% Goober’s premixed PB&J spread. (For statistical accuracy I’d like to point out that being 6% Finn makes Ryder actually just 3% tater-tot, 2% mansplaining and another 1% Goober’s premixed PB&J spread for a grand total of 95% the worst and 5% lunch.)

Here’s Elton John’s original:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTa8U0Wa0q8&feature=youtu.be

And here’s the Glee version:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sP53S-oqr5w&feature=youtu.be

And here’s the version from Moulin Rouge that I listed to in the back of a tour bus on repeat for two weeks during my Bat Mitzvah vacation with my grandmother:

After he finishes singing his littler floppy-haired heart out, Ghost Ryder announces his undying love for Katiexoxo6969 and– whoops, her name is Marissa. Unlike Marissa Cooper (the One True Marissa) she isn’t involved in a romantic relationship involving a secret identity. Actually someone just stole her picture to “Catfish” Ryder. What is catfishing? I only knew the word from that movie Catfish where a young man gets tricked into thinking he knows a girl from Facebook only to find out it’s someone just deceiving him– oh wait. I figured out what catfishing is.

Marissa’s is like, “Ryder, I know you just called me by the wrong name but I’m so attracted to your bigoted face that you can call me any time day or night if you want to hook up and be in love forever.” I sort of wish she could have been secretly crushing on Brittany and mortified by Ryder’s advances, but still I’m a little emotionally attached to this Marissa girl now. Ryder, on the other hand, literally could not care less about her feelings and just leaves to figure out who’s katiefishing him. Slick move dick.

Mostly I’m just really scared this is going to be a terrible, stereotypical awful “transgender entrapment” type plot line with Unique. It would so stupid if that’s where they’re going with this since:

1. Unique is hot and perfectly capable of finding a boyfriend without tricking someone
2. It would be really out of character for Unique to want to hide who she is since basically her entire plot line has revolved around being proud of who she is
3. It’s even more out of character for Unique to choose pretend to be white
4. Why on earth would Unique even be into a bigot who openly misgendered her like two episodes ago?

The most important take away from this scene is this hawt violinist who probably follows Autostraddle and DapperQ on twitter IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

The shakey-cam follows Ryder through the halls of McKinley and he confronts Marley-Kate and Puck 2.0. He’s convinced up and down that they’re the ones pretending to be Katiefish.

Ryder is pissed. Real pissed. Like so angry. he storms off mumbling to himself and leaving us all with that queasy feeling that this was going to turn into Ryder bringing a gun to school but, spoiler alert, I was wrong.

Starsweep to the Gleesters in the auditorium where Brittany gets the kids together to sing More Than Words. Is it to each other? Nope, it’s to Lord Tubbington. Either way I find this song insipid.

Here’s the Original:

Here’s the Glee version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANjQPY8J6QQ&feature=youtu.be

Time warp to when classes end, and in the dark hallways of the school, Will whistles while he walks. Rewatching it now I feel silly, but on the first round through I was just sure this would be a shooting. Instead Will heads into the locker room for… a dinner with Coach Beiste?

Anyways looks like Coach Beist set up a romantic dinner for two. Of all place in the school/town/country why on earth would Coach Beiste plan this for inside the school? I think in any other episode this would have taken place at Breadsticks fabulous Italian restaurant. The only reason this was set in the school was to heighten the drama regarding a shooting. Ugh. Either way, Coach Beiste proclaims her love for Will and his epic collection of sweatvests. Will’s not interested. I find this whole scene repulsive. Not because of heterosexual sex and stuff, but because of Glee‘s treatment of Coach Beiste. I mean, Coach Beiste isn’t some hideous undesirable woman with a horrible personality. Dot Jones is hot! She has a hot girlfriend and everything! Let’s stop pretending that this is realistic. Whatever.

ABC Family’s “The Fosters”: Two Lovely Gay Ladies Bringing Up Four Very Lovely Kids

We first heard about The Fosters when ABC Family approached us about doing an ad campaign for the show on this site (for which we were ultimately rejected because of our scandalous content, as per ushe), and holy shit did it sound right up our alley. Not only is it co-created by my imaginary best friend Emmet Honeycutt, it’s actually about “a multi-ethnic family mix of foster and biological kids being raised by two moms.” This is not an unfamiliar situation to me.

When I was a 15-year-old teenager sobbing in my bed because my Mom just told me she was gay, thus (in my baby adolescent mind) sealing my fate as an even bigger freak loser reject forevermore, I never could’ve imagined that 17 years later there would be a show on television that would represent what my family eventually became — “a multi-ethnic family mix of foster and biological kids being raised by two moms.” Well, except the “being raised” part, because my brother and I were already in college by the time my Mom married her partner, who has two foster sons (one of whom is African-American). Every time I come home, there’s always at least one new youngish human temporarily living in our house because my Mom’s partner has a big heart. (A situation which just-so-happens to also be a major feature in The Fosters‘ storyline!)

And now here we are, a family like ours featured on the network that originally launched in 1977 as CBN Satellite Service, part of Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network. ABC Family no longer affiliated with CBN or Pat Robertson, obviously, and we’ve all become endeared to the network for its lesbian representation in Pretty Little Liars and, ever-so-briefly and oh-so-surprisingly, The Secret Life of the American Teenager.

Here’s a full description of the show, which comes to us via producer Jennifer Lopez and co-creators, writers and executive producers Bradley Bredeweg and Peter Paige:

The Fosters is a compelling, one-hour drama about a multi-ethnic family mix of foster and biological kids being raised by two moms. Stef Foster (Teri Polo), a dedicated police officer, and her partner Lena Adams (Sherri Saum), a school Vice Principal, have built a close-knit, loving family with Stef’s biological son from a previous marriage, Brandon (David Lambert), and their adopted twins, Mariana (Cierra Ramirez) and Jesus (Jake T. Austin). Their lives are disrupted in unexpected ways when Lena meets Callie (Maia Mitchell), a hardened teen with an abusive past who has spent her life in and out of foster homes. Lena and Stef warily welcome Callie into their home thinking it’s just for a few weeks, until a more permanent placement can be found.

Callie is quick to observe that the Fosters are an atypical family, and her blunt commentary hits a nerve with Jesus and Mariana who are struggling with their own identities. The twins have the opportunity to meet their birth mother, but they aren’t sure if they are emotionally ready, or if they want to share the experience with their adoptive moms. Callie also discovers that Mariana is harboring a secret that could land her in serious trouble.

Brandon, a talented musician with a kind soul, lends Callie a hand in navigating the classrooms and social scene at the Fosters’ high school, Anchor Beach Community Charter School. He’s faced with a tough decision when Callie decides to ditch school to reconnect with someone from her past. What happens next will determine if Stef and Lena made the right choice in taking a chance on Callie, and whether they have room in their home – and their hearts – for one more.

Unsurprisingly, the nice ladies of One Million Moms have been horrified about this development in ABC Family’s programming since they first heard about it:

Obviously, ABC has lost their minds. They haven’t let up so neither will we. ABC’s Family Channel has several anti-family programs, and they are planning on adding to that growing list….

ABC Family reported the comedy-drama pilot, working with the title “The Fosters,” is about two women raising a “21st century,” multi-ethnic mix of foster and biological kids. While foster care and adoption is a wonderful thing and the Bible does teach us to help orphans, this program is attempting to redefine marriage and family by having two moms raise these children together. One Million Moms is not sure how the explanation will be given on how the biological children were conceived. None of this material is acceptable content for a family show.

Hollywood is continuing to push an agenda that homosexuality is acceptable when scripture states clearly it is a sin. As Christians, the Bible also says that we must speak up against sin. If we remain silent then we are guilty of sin also.

Much to nobody’s surprise, this call to arms failed miserably. (One Million Moms is part of the American Family Council, officially declared a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center.) But the fact that this proposed boycott barely registered a blip on anybody’s radar is evidence of how far we’ve come — which means we’re undoubtedly at a place where we have the right to argue loudly not just for representation, but for responsible and diverse representation.

While the mainstream media enjoys patting itself on the back for loving family-friendly fare like Modern Family, The New Normal and Will & Grace, we’ve yet to see a gay female couple raising kids in prime-time, let alone an interracial lesbian couple raising a multi-ethnic family. According to GLAAD’s 2012/2013 “Where We Are On TV” report, 79% of LGBT characters on scripted TV and 70% of LGBT characters on network television are white. Furthermore, men account for 64% of the LGBT characters on broadcast television and 56% of the LGBT characters on cable. Interestingly enough, ABC Family is responsible for a lot of those queer ladies on cable — teenagers Emily Fields and Paige McCullers on Pretty Little Liars, and Anne Juergens and Nora Underwood on Secret Life. While it’s true that Anne Juergens and Nora Underwood both play mothers of grown children, they’re hardly the center of the show and don’t even appear in every episode. It’s unfortunate that there aren’t any female writers involved with The Parkers, but honestly if I trust any gay man to do anything right, it’s Peter Paige.

The show premieres June 3rd. I have high hopes.

Why I Think Glee’s “Shooting Star” Missed The Mark On Gun Violence

I want you to know I’m writing this directly after watching Shooting Star. I want you to know this because I think it’s important that you understand that I’m writing this from my little tiny person heart that’s full of all sorts of feelings.

I want to admit that I cried during this episode. I cried because I am easily wrapped up in carefully constructed emotional moments and this one took the cake. The Glee kids sat in the dark in the choir room crying and I burst with terror for them. Actually, I felt terrified for all the real kids who’ve actually sat in the dark amongst gun shots and footsteps across their schools. I felt sad and terrified and confused for the kids who never had the time to sit the dark in a choir room because someone just opened fire on their classrooms. I cried about the kids who encounter gun violence every day on their walk home from school and about the kids in neighborhoods the government neglects who hear gunshots while lying in bed at night, or doing their homework, the kids who have already lost friends and family to gun violence before they graduate high school. And yeah, I cried about the fake characters on Glee played by 20-year-old actors because for whatever reason I love Glee and I hate to think about harm coming to even fake characters. I’m sort of all squishy on the inside.

I thought that Glee had actually gotten it right.

At least until Sue announced it was her gun.

The second she did, and even as she confessed to Figgins, I just knew this was going to be about Becky. The whole thing was just a big, startling misunderstanding, and with that, all potential emotional impact evaporated.

Everyone is so busy praising Glee for the appropriateness and emotion with which they handled school violence that few seem to see that Glee didn’t address the issue of school violence at all. They held us captive to their characters emotions regarding the potential of violence, but in the end the students were never actually in danger. It just feels emotionally manipulative. In fact, all Glee really accomplished was an entirely problematic treatment of both school violence and the lives of adolescents with developmental disabilities.

I’m sorry, Glee, but you do not get to bask in your own glory just because you wrote an episode about a serious issue and showed shaky-cam crying kids. You do not escape criticism simply because you attempted to tell a story about something which is scary and fills us all with queazy dread. I refuse to jump on the bandwagon of praise.

Here’s the issue: this country doesn’t have a problem with intellectually disabled students accidentally firing off guns in school. This country has a problem with students bringing guns to school with the specific intent to harm other students. To conflate the two scenarios is inexcusably offensive.

Let me repeat that more clearly. I am appalled that the Glee staff thought the most plausible storyline for gunshots in a school would be one in which Becky brought a gun to school and accidentally shot it, at which point Sue Sylvester stood idly by as the school was put on lockdown, the SWAT team was called in, everybody’s lockers were searched, body scanners were purchased and everybody feared for their lives. The writers thought this was more plausible than an angry student with access to guns who comes to school with violent intent. More plausible than a 15-year-old student getting killed while hanging out with friends in a park. More plausible than some jerk parent over-zealously expressing their right to bear arms. I don’t have family members or closer friends with developmental disabilities, I point that out as to not claim their stories as my own, but I’m mortified that someone thought this plot twist was a good idea.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand where Glee is coming from. It’s Glee and they wanted to do a big emotional school shooting episode without actually criminalizing or killing one of their main characters — like when they wanted to do a gay suicide storyline and when they wanted to have an episode called Funeral so we could all wonder who the funeral was for.

But riddle me this: why should Becky have to be the character to take on that burden? Would it have been too hard to invent a character the Glee kids didn’t know? Perhaps one with a motive that accurately reflects that of a student who incites school violence? Instead, Becky is the character “to blame” and Sue is the big hero who protected and saved the poor little girl with Down Syndrome. I worry that this sends a very specific and incorrect message about the decision-making capabilities of someone with Down Syndrome. I worry that this encourages kids to fear disabled kids in a way in which they need not.

The sad thing is that Glee missed a really great opportunity to tell Becky’s story. It’s not just ableist, it’s lazy writing. Adolescents with intellectual disabilities face very real and often upsetting changes when they age out of public programs like high school. As explained by the National Down Syndrome Society, “upon graduation, the student will no longer be eligible for many of the services, and the responsibility of identifying, locating and coordinating appropriate resources will fall mainly upon the individuals and their families.” Many of their stories are as compelling as teen pregnancy, domestic abuse, eating disorders and, yes, even high school lesbians. Indeed we have many more television arcs about LGBT teens than we do about what it feels like to be an 18-year-old girl with Down Syndrome. We are kidding ourselves if we think the stories of adolescents with intellectual disabilities have been properly told by Becky’s previous narrative. And how did this particular story end? Becky was punished — she lost her best friend, Sue Sylvester. She lost her ally. She lost her cheerleader.

Glee wanted to do too many things in one episode. They wanted to do a PSA on school violence. They wanted to write Sue off the show. They wanted to address what Becky might be feeling towards her impending graduation. Really though, I think the Glee writing team just wanted a way to get the audience invested in the new Glee kids. Perhaps they succeeded for some, but for me this whole debacle just highlight’s Glee‘s tendency to steamroll captivating characters in favor of hollow one-episode flirtations with the Issue-of-the-Moment.

Double Feature Edition Bomb Girls 208 and 209: Burlesque, Babes, Other B-Words

Sorry for the lateness, Bombshells. I have three jobs: Two of them are in customer service, and the other one is being a professional Internet presence/consumer of cheesy lesbian media. Can you guess which one I’d like to do full-time? Ha ha ha! Ha. Ha ha. Ha. Anyway, I combined the last two episodes into one gigantic amazing gooey ball of lesbian fun as a way to make it up to you.

Let’s start with Episode 2×08! In this episode, Lorna tried to get all her girls into a top preschool, Betty started a fight club, and Gladys became the Bond Girl she was born to be. Actually, none of these things specifically happened, but if you’re an English major working in retail who has a lot of extra time to embellish the truth, you could say these things did, in some way, happen. In other matters of almost but not quite, apparently I misspelled Teresa’s name last week. Maybe if we knew more about her as a character beyond the fact that she enjoys scissoring with Betty and is in the army, I’d know how to spell her name. #SHOTSFIRED

The episode starts at the Jewel Box, where all the girls are making out with each other and then crying about it in the bathroom. Oops, sorry, that’s just every lesbian party I’ve been to ever. On this particular Episodic Jewel Box Outing, Betty and Gladys are dancing with each other in an adorable way. I’m gonna continue to be the only one in the room saying it but gosh darn it, I ship it. I gosh darn ship it.

Gladys is still on her emo kick, though, and really wishes the band would play some “deeper cuts,” so she goes to sit down and drown her sorrows in alcohol and the memory of Conor Oberst’s better tracks. Teresa takes her place, and she and Betty do some jazz hands-type movement that I believe is a 1940s lesbian mating ritual. Then Betty reveals she learned to dance on a refrigerator door which is an image that only took me a good ten minutes to sort out in my head.

A mysterious dude buys a drink for Gladys because these things are always happening to Gladys. She doesn’t accept because feminism.

Gladys heads to the ladies’ room where she is accosted by the worst spy of all time.

Gladys comes to the obvious conclusion that something is fishy and not in the lesbian joke way.

Vera and Gladys are going to go to the movies and see the Hitchcock version of exactly what Gladys is dealing with in her weekly storyline. It’s a heavy plot device but at least it allows us to see yet another adorable friendship on this show. I am running out of friendships to adore, guys. It’s all too much.

Since Bob got his pay day and needed shade and a vacay, Lorna is home alone and into Sheila’s suggestion of community service at the hospital. She thinks she is gonna enlist the factory girls because they are going to need way more community service on their resumes if they’re ever gonna get into the right schools. She tells the girls that dudes are dying for their right to party and they should feel bad about it. I’ve decided Lorna is the factory’s resident Catholic Mother, as she seems to employ a lot of intense guilt in both motivation and discipline.

Betty has decided that her community service will be servicing Teresa’s vagina. The icy tension between her and Kate continues to solidify into a thick enough layer that you could probably safely ice fish on it. Maybe for perch, or trout. I don’t know. What would be considered the most lesbianish fish? Someone get on Wikipedia and brainstorm this out with me.

Reggie is sick of her racist landlady and her bullshit policies, and is generally the most overlooked character on the show. Reggie! Where have you been? Please tell me that we didn’t see you in these last episodes because you were too busy forming a girl gang and making zines about intersectional feminism. Anyway, Lorna’s maternal instincts are all over this situation.

Down on Ye Olde Factory Floor, Gladys is mindin’ her own beeswax just makin’ bombs when she spots the Worst Spy Ever on the factory floor! What even, girl? Gladys goes over to confront her, but girl pretends she is not even that lady and puts up some major cold fronts. Worst Spy Ever, what is your deal? This is like that time my ex saw me making out with her ex at a party and I told her it wasn’t me even though we totally made eye contact and had a conversation at the time. Same thing.

Gladys takes this to Akins who tells her they have new security at the factory. Security is Mysterious Drink Buyin’ Dude Who Was Tryna! He has the worst British accent I have heard in a long time. The last time I heard that bad of an accent was coming from my own mouth when I was trippin’ balls at a La Roux show and thought I could pretend to be Elly’s back-up dancer. Ha, those were the days!

They want Gladys to point out the worker on the factory floor, but of course Worst Spy Ever is nowhere in sight. Akins once again chalks this up to women and their menses cycles, and Worst British Accent decides to ask Gladys out because boy is still tryna! Gladys accepts because third wave feminism.

Over at the only wing this hospital seems to have, Lorna is working especially hard at her Helicopter Mom impression. She literally brought Sheila’s childhood stuffed animal today. Sheila is like, totally embarrassed, because now all the popular nurses are gonna see and they’re never gonna let her sit with them at lunch! Thanks a lot, Mom!

Kate gets fixated on a non-responsive patient because this is all an impressive metaphor for seemingly impossible situations, am I right? He’s probably representative of the McAndrews fandom following most of the events of season 2.

Over at the movies, Betty and Teresa are nudging each other with their fingers and then finger-clasping which is just about the gayest thing ever, good for them. Gladys and Vera are also holding hands, which is such an interesting commentary on female sexuality and the way women are socialized to be desexualized in their affection with each other, thus the “invisible lesbian.” In less academic jargon, Lorna is sad and can’t believe she ditched stalking her daughter for this depressing sitch.

Teresa and Betty walk home from the movies. They have the conversation we have all had with our first girlfriend, the one who had actually done this whole lesbian relationship thing before, while we were the young eager puppy with no idea our hearts were about to be stomped to all oblivion by something called reality. This conversation is prompted by some drunk guys being rude and trying to get up on them. The guys call them bull daggers and reach for Teresa, which causes Betty to punch them in the fuckin’ face. Betty fuckin’ McRae, ladies and gentlemen.

Teresa: I have a lot at stake and you have a lot to learn. I keep my head down and I keep my business to myself.

Kate decides the best way to connect with the McAndrews fandom is to sing to him. It’s super effective! That’s because Kate is actually a Disney princess and I refuse to believe anything else.

Gladys goes out with Fake Brit Worst Attempt At Accent Ever and it’s not going super well. First of all, they go to the Jewel Box because apparently there are no other night spots in Toronto. Now all their work friends and lesbian buddies could walk in at any time and spot this truly awful trainwreck of a date taking place. This is like my first and only date with a boy where we ended up going to a Chinese restaurant where the entire JV girls’ soccer team was seated next to us and watched the 16 year old awkward go down. In this case, we’re running the gamut from dead ex-boyfriends to ridiculous sounding British childhoods. Bond he is not, ladies and gentlemen.

Betty and Teresa have another “talk” that makes me more than a little sad inside.

Teresa: I will not risk my career. Not even for you.

when they start paying me to be a lesbian, i’ll let you know. until then, respect the hustle.

It’s such an interesting turn to see Betty dealing with all of Teresa’s boundaries, especially when Betty was all about chivalry and self-sacrifice when her romantic energy was focused on Kate. To have that type of love and infatuation not returned twice seems like the worst kind of torture for someone who is a walking ball of emotions. Ah, Betty. You and I have that experience in common ten times over. Call me when you wanna get matching “Tender Butch” tattoos, boo.

Not Actually Brit takes Gladys for a drive to a dark and super foggy bridge. Seems like a good idea. Bad Accent Fake Brit tells Gladys to get out of the car and follow him onto this unlit bridge where he will definitely not murder her. Like, definitely!

Turns out Bad Accent and Worst Spy Ever are spies who want to recruit Gladys to also be a spy. Is this seriously how they are doing the whole spy recruitment program in Canada? Kinda unprofesh, guys. Feel like their Spy Headquarters is actually a treehouse where the redhead turns bottlecap knobs on a cardboard box control panel and sends everyone on top secret missions to annoy each other’s brothers.

Back at the hospital, Lorna learns from Dr. Patel that he is actually engaged to an Indian lady via an arranged marriage and this whole thing with Sheila is just kind of an “in between thingy” that they’re both totally down with. Obviously this is a super modern idea for Lorna, and for television in general (a relationship we cannot call endgame????? what????????) so everyone is a little shocked and appalled. This was not what Lorna was expecting when she packed Sheila a lunch with the sandwiches cut into hearts and a note that said “LOVE YOU SO MUCH DONT SLEEP WITH DR PATEL XOXO MOMMY”.

At the Jewel Box, bad shit is about to go down. And by bad shit, I mean the men from earlier come back and beat the shit out of Betty. It is exactly as heart in your throat tears down your cheeks bad as you think it is. I was a straight up mess. They are trying to drag her into their car for whatever dark purpose I would rather not consider, when Vera shows up and saves the day. Vera, I didn’t think I could love you more, but I do. I really, truly do.

Inside, Teresa and Betty have a moment. It might be the first moment where Teresa “gets” what this relationship means to Betty and what her pride and determination have to do with her identity. It’s pretty lovely.

Betty: What’s that for?

Teresa: Being a hero.

Betty: I’m not trying to be a hero. I’m trying to live my life.

Baby girl, you are perfect.

Lorna thinks Sheila shouldn’t be in a situation where marriage is not the endgame. Think of the fanfiction, Lorna pleads, but Sheila tries to explain that doomed ships are typically the most popular in the fandom. It doesn’t go well.

Betty shows up to work with a shiner and Lorna stands up for her. Everyone gives her a round of applause because feminism. Betty makes a lot of faces that will take out your heart and smash it with a million silver hammers of emotional justice.

Lorna invites Reggie to move in with her which I’m pretty sure already happened, right? Like wasn’t girl eating breakfast there in 2×02, that one where I was making a lot of L Word jokes? Writers, what you smokin’? You get lost in the spy storyline, too? Y’all still working on that whole Teresa character fleshing out thing? I hope y’all get your shit together for the next episode.

And guess what? They do! Because didn’t I tell you this would be a double feature? I did. And as Jay-Z says and as I say when I pregame and rap over Jay-Z, on to the next one.

Jill Bennett Is Back With New Comedy Series, “Second Shot”

Back in the mid-2000s, there was a sole go-to web site for lesbian entertainment: Afterellen. AE peaked over the course of  2007 – 2009 as it unleashed a group of smart and creative LA-based writers, actresses and comedians upon it’s readers. The site’s flagship show, We’re Getting Nowhere, mostly consisted of Jill Bennett, Karman Kregloe and Dara Nai recapping, re-enacting and bashing lesbianish TV shows like The L Word, Top Model and South of Nowhere every week between 2007-2008. The show’s (and web site’s) break-out star was undeniably Jill Bennett, who landed the lead in And Then Came Lola largely due to her enormous online fanbase. In fact, when I met Riese back in March of 2009, the very first thing I asked her was, “Do you like We’re Getting Nowhere?” Her response: “I don’t have time for that shit.”

In the years that followed We’re Getting Nowhere, Jill went on to star in a cult web series (3 Way), create her own socio-politico vlog (The Violet Underground) and co-produce, direct and star in the web series turned feature film, We Have to Stop Now.

This weekend marks the premiere of her latest passion project, Second Shot, a sitcom she co-created alongside South of Nowhere & 3 Way co-executive producer Nancylee Myatt and marks her long-awaited reunion with her We’re Getting Nowhere cohort, Dara Nai (head writer).

In a nutshell, Second Shot casts Bennett as an ex-soccer star who  returns to her tiny Ohio hometown to run a gay bar, forcing her to work with its nutty staff, and face her first love – the girl who got away. Her co-stars include Maile Flanagan (3 Way), Amanda Christensen, Matthew Scott Montgomery, Minni Jo Mazzola and the hilarious Maia Madison (We Have to Stop Now, Hot in Cleveland).

Note: The show is streaming online this weekend only, April 6th + 7th, at secondshot.tv and on Facebook, until they find a distributor.

I chatted with longtime Auto-friend Jill Bennett about reuniting with Dara Nai, returning to Dinah Shore for this weekend’s premiere and her lessons learned over the past five years in the lesbian entertainment world.

What inspired the initial idea for Second Shot?

Nancylee Myatt, my co-creator, had always wanted to write a show that took place in a bar. We both felt that gay bars are still a very important and vital part of our community — especially for those living in small town or rural areas. It’s the only place to fit in for some people.

What has been the biggest challenge of juggling the responsibility of co-creating, producing and acting in the project?

Thankfully, during filming, I was really able to focus on being an actor — I had an amazing team around me that took care of the rest. Before and after filming though is the challenge — like many of the projects I’ve done before, the nature of the budget required all of us to work about five different positions.

How does it feel to reunite with Dara five years after “We’re Getting Nowhere“?

Absolutely amazing. I really missed her energy and our creative chemistry. She’s extremely talented, and we made her our head writer after she wrote Episode 2.

Do you look back on that critical time in your career (2007-2008) fondly?

I do. We had so much fun during that time — and I feel like we were a part of launching something new into the LGBT media community. I’m very proud of that, and everything else is just water under the bridge. I’ve been lucky enough to continue to stay busy and creative and I’m happy for the opportunities it opened for me.

What is your emotional state returning to Dinah Shore for the first time in a few years for the premiere this weekend?

I actually wrote a whole blog post about it. It’s mixed given the recent changes in my life, but I’m definitely looking forward to it.

How did your experience as a producer and director on “We Have to Stop Now” inform your acting in this new project?

Sitting in the edit bay is the best teacher for an actor. You see every angle, every take and what works and doesn’t work in a close up. Acting for the camera is an extremely technical medium, and you’ll start to notice the nuances of a skilled camera actor. Meredith Baxter is a perfect example in Season 2 — I didn’t necessarily see it all in the room when we were acting with one another, but once I got into edit, I noticed all kinds of subtlety and detail in her performance.

What do you mean when you say “Second Shot” is not a web series?

By that we mean that we are a standard full length series — 22 minutes, as opposed to 3 to 7 minute episodes. There is a difference in the structure of a traditional length show, and we are calling ourselves an independent comedy to highlight that difference. Some people are turned off by the lack of production value or character development that is common in the web series world, and we wanted to make that distinction.

What are your hopes and dreams for the show? Picked up by a network?

It would be fantastic for someone, an entity with actual money, to pick us up so that we could produce more episodes. We are not opposed to self distribution, but our experience has taught us that it’s difficult to go beyond a few episodes or into multiple seasons with DIY. We shot three full episodes in five days of shooting… we can’t ask our team to do that again! So yes, Hulu, or a network online platform would be ideal, if only so that we can actually pay our cast and crew.

What has been your biggest lesson learned through your experiences in the lesbian entertainment business these past five years?

That you can’t listen to naysayers and no’s. I’ve been told by numerous people in numerous situations that something can’t be done or won’t work. Guess what? They were wrong. I did and I will keep doing.

What did you think of Jodie Foster’s speech at the Golden Globes?

I thought it was strange, interesting and sad all at the same time. I love her work, admire her choices in projects, but have always been a little frustrated with her silence on other issues. I understand the need for privacy (especially her, given Hinckley) but at some point, I felt like she was purposely hiding… I suppose it’s not fair to expect everyone to be as open as I am, but that’s how I feel.

Do you have a favorite or most memorable small town gay bar from all your travels around the world?

Travel has been my favorite part of the whole film festival experience, but Japan was definitely the most interesting, given the massive difference in culture.

When and where can we find more episodes?

We don’t know. We haven’t settled on a distribution model yet, that’s why we are only offering a sneak peek this coming weekend. We may come back as a DIY operation, but we are hoping for a larger platform in order to produce more episodes. So for now, the answer is: watch this weekend!

Anything else you’d like to tell the people?

If you like it, tell your friends to watch. Like everything else online, we are counting on quick word of mouth to rack up some numbers this weekend to take to a network. We’d like to show that we can drum up the support of our core audience, in addition to drawing a wider mainstream crowd. While the show does take place in a gay bar, it’s a sitcom. Not a gay sitcom.

Stream “Second Shot” online  THIS WEEKEND ONLY! April 6th + 7th at secondshot.tv and on Facebook.

Television Writing Staffs are Still Overwhelmingly White and Male, Surprise!

Television is one of the easiest ways to get into people’s homes. We see the faces, we hear the stories, we notice the change happen right in front of us. Week after week, season after season, a queer character here, a person of color there (still not a lot of trans* people). But what about the faces we don’t see? What about the names we barely even notice? The creator, who the episode was written by, story editor, executive producer, etc. While it’s easy to see the strides being made in front of the camera, it’s easier to cover up what’s happening in the writers’ rooms of America.

Numbers don’t lie. In the WGA’s TV Staff Diversity Report, they told a story that many people don’t know and don’t care to hear about. Though we may hail some of our favorite shows for having people of color, strong females leads, and LGBT characters, how many of them mirror that diversity in the writers’ room? And how much is that lack of diversity to blame for these groups’ underrepresentation on television or the butchering of their storylines?

The study reviewed employment patterns for 190 broadcast and cable television shows during the 2011-2012 season. The 1,722 writer study focused on women, racial minorities, and writers forty or older. Though gains have been made on all fronts, there’s still a long way to go (42 years?). Particularly disappointing standouts include Comedy Central with 3 of 33 staffed being women and ABC Family’s 5.2% minority writers. BET is the only network with at least 50%  women at 55%. BET and VH1 are the only networks with more than 27.6% diversity writers (27.6% being America’s non-white population). Of the big four (ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC), CBS does the worst with minorities at 8.1% and FOX the worst with women at 20.5%.

Some people of course would make the argument that on shows with smaller staffs, you don’t want to tokenize people, right? You want them to feel like they earned their job and that they’re not just there because of their minority status. Yet there are shows with over ten staffers and zero diverse writers (Free Agents, Gossip Girl, Revenge, Two and a Half Men). Then there are shows that have over ten staffers, zero of which are minorities, and then to top it all off, have a dismal number of women. My favorite example of this is How to Be a Gentleman which had 1 female writer of 13. Apparently they answered their own question in the writers’ room: be a white male. The show was canceled after two episodes.

What about the excuses? Men are funnier, there aren’t enough quality minority writers, and so on. The people that make these arguments think there are sooooo many *special* white dudes out there that deserve to be staffed, why would anyone overlook them and go through the arduous task of finding a woman or a person of color? They of course are failing to see that the most special part about them is that they are white males. Sure, white dudes might be a dime a dozen but that, more than their skill, connections, or work ethic, is their most employable trait. When you’re a white dude, you’re SUPPOSED to be there.

The report also finds that among writers who run TV shows as executive producers, women were underrepresented by factor of more than 2 to 1 and minorities were underrepresented by a factor of nearly 5 to 1. Not ratio, underrepresented. In addition to not being staffed on shows, women and minorities aren’t getting pilot deals and they’re not getting promoted. Many believe this is because if you promote someone out of a token spot, then you’ll have to find another one so you might as well just keep them on the lowest rung possible to save yourself the trouble.

It’s hard to be found when no one’s looking. These discrepancies won’t just fix themselves and it will take some going out of the way and looking a little harder, but the people are there. There are talented women and minorities out there. And dare I say, there are talented women of color! If you really wanted to show off, you’d grab a couple of those and sit them out front where everyone can see. This isn’t to say that no shows staff women and minorities in representative numbers. Southland, Castle, Army Wives, Criminal Minds, Grey’s Anatomy, and Scandal are all examples of shows that staff women and minorities far above the industry average and have had successful runs on television. But the facts remains that ten percent of TV shows had no women on staff and 28.9% had no minority writers. Support shows that are doing things right and support writers that are doing their thing elsewhere. Y’all won’t shut up when your OTP is headed for the shitter. You should speak up about wanting diverse writers staffed on your favorite television shows.

Bomb Girls 207: The One Where She Brings A U-Haul

Sweet baby Jesus’ sweet baby cheeks, Bomb Girls is back! Did you make it through the hiatus? Were you able to find an outlet for your tears and your feelings and your strong investment in fictional 1940s lesbians? I had to take up a hobby in order to deal with all the pent-up emotion I wasn’t sobbing out once a week, so I’m now a skilled taxidermist! Feel free to shoot me an email the next time you need your pussy stuffed!

This episode had everything: enough human tears to power the Canadian equivalent of the Hoover Dam, your (okay maybe second) fave lesbians shackin’ up, Marco once again taking first place in Son, You Gotta Stop With These Workplace Romances, and Vera saving the entire operation for the one zillionth billionth time. When is this girl gonna get a raise/general life break?

In the first scene of the show that has ever taken place in the good ol’ United States of America, Gladys & Witham Clan are in Massachusetts for James’ funeral. I’m a little disappointed that this scene didn’t involve McDonalds, a bald eagle, redneck tourists, or any of the other things I have come to expect with non-American portrayals of Americans. James’ mom is super bitchy and definitely blames Gladys for her son’s death. Shockingly, Gladys is not 100% on board with this accusation.

The moral of this story is that Gladys’ sadness makes baby angels cry and I literally cannot even watch her shed tears because I don’t understand how her face is actually that perfect.

Lorna’s sons are stormin’ Europe and Lorna really wants a telephone. Like, she really wants a telephone. Probably because she has some important calls waiting.

Our favorite lesbians are back, and they’re gardening because that’s not gay at all. Community gardens, an investment in fairly sourced food, and vegetarian phases are definitely not some favorite pasttimes of the lesbian community. Betty is showing Kate how to gently and yet forcefully pluck the ripe fruit of the tomato vine. This is a thing I do with my platonic friends all the time – I show them how to slowly grasp at round objects handing in front of them, and then tell them to give those objects a gentle but playful squeeze.

Boobs. I am talking about boobs.

Kate ditches the gardening biz to go eat pancakes with Ivan. Betty tries not to roll her eyes too hard, and starts thinking about getting her “uteruses before duderuses” tattoo removed.

Betty: I thought you said we finish what we started here.

Kate: I’ll pull my share. Later.

Oh, ladies. We’re not really talking about vegetables, are we? We’re talking about the remaining tension between you two and the relationship that never was but may yet be, aren’t we?

Slide on over to Ye Olde Factory Floor, where Carol is slidin’ on down to ground level to slide on up to Kate and Betty. Turns out Gladys has gone Full Emo and Carol thinks that maybe her Token Lesbian Friends can pull her out of this mess. Betty’s Face of Skepticism is just on full blast today.

Up on the factory roof, Marco and Vera are feasting on Italian food. Marco, I’ve said it once, and I’m gonna say it again: You need to start meeting women outside of your workplace who are not in compromising positions of authority. Then again, I’m sure if we broke into Marco’s laptop (since his password is probably RIPBABYCANNOLI) we would find lots of Women in Compromising Positions of Authority Porn. Marco tells Vera that they are putting erection-killing chemicals in the food so that the employees will stop boning each other. Which, honestly, has actually been a problem at the factory, lez be real. Anyway, I am Team Vera/Whatever Vera Wants so go get it, honey. They are cute and eat cutely together.

A telephone guy is putting the telephones in at the factory, and Lorna decides she is going to bribe her way into acquiring a telephone. Oh, Lorna, you wonderful set of grey morals, you.

Vera is, as usual, 100% on top of factory shit and has noticed a discrepancy in numbers that means someone is stealing chemicals from the factory! Aikens ignores her because he thinks she’s on her period or something, and he is not the best at listening to women or acknowledging women or seeing women as people beyond sexual objects. Vera has very little tolerance for this kind of bullshit.

Aikens takes this issue downstairs to the boys so they can have a boy talk about boy feelings. Kidding! Boys don’t have feelings. Aikens tells Leon, Marco, and Buster that someone is stealing chemicals and Leon and Marco form a mystery solving gang called “Actual Minority and Political Minority Crime Busters.”

Kate and Betty are bantering about the uses of excess vegetables when surprise! There’s a lesbian here to see Betty. And not just any lesbian, but Theresa, the lesbian that Betty was canoodling with last episode. Let the record show that Kate looks at Theresa as if trying to turn her to a pile of lesbian dust with her eyes. With her eyes.

Betty and Kate are supposed to be going to see Gladys but Betty is like bitch please, I am gettin’ me some. She gives Kate a considerably “fresh” response.

Betty: Kate, you go, I’ll catch up.

Kate: Betty, you promised.

Betty: It’s just like you and the garden, Kate. I’ll pull my share later.

Yeah, we still ain’t talkin’ about vegetables, ladies.

Over at Chez Witham, Gladys is told to turn down her Elliott Smith record and come downstairs to have tea with her friends. She wipes the excess black eyeliner from her eyes and straightens her Bright Eyes shirt, “Needle in the Hay” whining in the distance. In all seriousness, James has been dead, what? A week? Is she not allowed to mourn for at least a week, guys?

Carol is trying to keep things forcibly fun and upbeat like a middle school dance, but Gladys is too busy mouthing the lyrics to Brand New’s “The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot”. Mrs. Witham’s attitude about the whole thing is pretty clear.

That American soldier guy is there to get James’ car. Gladys is not down with this plan. Also she hasn’t cleaned out the backseat and it’s full of empty Starbucks cups from all the times she gets in her Uggs and starts craving a frappuchino to Instagram.

One of Marco’s old friends is in the mafia because Italians! He stops by so Marco’s mom can give him the largest most phallic vegetable ever, and so Marco can confront him about the missing chemicals. Wise Guy says it has nothing to do with him, and look at his miniature tie!

Lorna finally gets that telephone. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the telephone guy doesn’t get any nookie for it.

Betty is entertaining Theresa in her room and staving off sexy times by claiming neighbors and thin walls. Oh girl do I ever feel you there. I miss a lot of things about college, but listening to the gentle hum of my neighbor’s vibrators and the weird things they called each other during climax are things I do not miss at all. Theresa wins her over with strawberries because I guess we’re going there with the lesbian fruit metaphors this episode?

In da club, Vera and Kate have dragged Gladys out for a drink, because hey, if you can’t get happy through emotional support and distraction, why not alcohol? Kate basically tells Gladys to get a fake boyfriend and become an alcoholic because it sure has done wonders for her issues, while Vera is direct and tells Gladys shit happens and she’ll get over it.

Ivan bugs Kate about her brothers and doesn’t really get that there’s a reason she doesn’t talk about her family. Well, if you can date a lesbian for as long as he did, I’m not terribly surprised he’s missing out on other strong cues.

Wise Guy shows up at da club and does some disrespectful stuff. Marco snaps at Vera and she is not happy about it because she’s a fucking queen and deserves respect. Also maaaaaybe she has a little crush on Marco, we shall see.

Betty shows up at work the next day and blatantly checks all of her coworkers out. Her dyke swag is truly amazing.

Buzz around the water cooler is that there are soldiers coming to work at the factory now. And yet again, we are bombarded by surprise lesbians! Because guess who brought her U-Haul?

Betty looks exactly like I did when I was in college and kept walking into the first day of class only to find I had slept with half the class.

Vera gets a call from Robyn. Robyn says she needs to call her girlfriend because it’s time they had the talk. I’m kidding, it’s actually a mysterious voice that tells her the chemical stealer person is going to be arriving by truck at 2 pm. Oh, okay.

Lorna gets a call from Robyn, too! JK LOL it’s Bob because their son Stanley is missing in action. Betty comes across her being super upset and gives her a bro hug, which is what you do when you sidehug your buddy in a non-homo way. It’s actually really adorable how loyal and protective Betty is and I’m just really touched on a million levels, guys.

So, who is driving that 2 pm truck? It’s Marco. He’s like come on, guys, spaghetti! But they arrest him. Vera is super torn because maybe she has a lady boner for him. Maybe.

Lorna is super stressed and the continually ringing phone is making her a little edgy. Her neighbor Ellie is ringin’ the phone off the hook and Lorna has had enough.

Ivan made airplanes for Kate’s brothers. Dude, what about don’t push the subject do you not understand? But again, dude dated a lesbian and then dated lesbian’s sexually confused friend who is clearly in love with lesbian so okay, we get it. Not the brightest bulb in the crayon box. Ivan says that her brothers should definitely come visit. Kate is like he he he he he he he he…no.

Betty and Theresa are eating together and discussing when they will adopt a cat together. Theresa has already driven the U-Haul around back behind the boarding house and has spent the day unloading her Birkenstocks, so she’d like to hear a timeframe. Betty is a little overwhelmed but totally down for this “making hay” thing. Oh, 1940s slang for sex acts! You’re precious!

Gladys asks Lorna if she can come back to work. Lorna doesn’t think she’s ready, but she gives in. It’s touching. I don’t have funny things to say about this because I am genuinely invested in Gladys’ happiness and the intense character growth she has been going through this season.

Lorna gets a call from Stanley, who is alive and well. She and Bob cry. I also cried. I hope you cried. We had a lot of pent-up tears to deal with, okay? We deserved a good cry.

Vera and Gladys decide to form a crime-busting team of their own, and solve the Mystery of the Missing TNT. Whodunit? Buster dun it! They hold up his car with pure womanpower until he is caught and arrested. And he would have got away with it, too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids and their lesbian friends!

Vera goes to Marco to apologize for getting him accidentally arrested and explains that Buster dun it. Marco thanks her by putting his mouth on her mouth. And boom goes the dynamite.

Some other things happen: Bob says he is going to go move in with his brother for a while and work on a farm? I don’t even know what you’re doing anymore, Bob. Marco and Wise Guy hang out and bond Italian-style aka they non-sexually kiss and talk about how it’s hard out here for an Italian. But most importantly, Vera gets a promotion!!!

The ladies gather to plant a tree in James’ honor and also do an impromptu Iwo Jima flag raising tribute? It’s touching, but it’s also this fantastic metaphor for how much these ladies accomplish together. Womanpower, guys. This show is all about womanpower, and don’t you ever forget it.

The Top 50 Gayest Parts of Pretty Little Liars Season Three

It has been quite a gay season on Pretty Little Liars. We’ve added two new lesbian/bi/queer characters and Paige even lived through the season finale! More than that though, it seems the whole city of Rosewood has gone lesbosexy crazy in their actions, fashion and sexual innuendo. So let’s see what made our Top 50 Gayest Parts of Pretty Little Liars Season Three.

50. Paige’s Toyota Matrix

49. When OK Cupid hit Rosewood

48. Mona’s sneaking into Hanna’s bedroom in the middle of the night because she needed her

47. When Emily wore this fedora

46. Ezra’s codependency issues and refusal to break up.

45. That time Cece IDed Emily as gay within minutes of meeting her

44. Everyone needs therapy.

43. Aria’s boss looks like the lesbian character on a late 90’s sitcom.

42. That time Shana and Emily bury the hatchet about both having dated Paige because it was mutually beneficial for both of them… but then were totally in a fight again the next day.

41. Aria’s career as a wine drinking photographer.

40. Emily’s job as a barista.

39. That time Shana got super jealous of her ex.

38. That time Emily made this face in response to seeing Spencer play strip trivia with a guy.

37. Spencer’s health shake.

36. Emily’s new super gung ho attitude

35. Wesley’s sweater collection

34. Maya’s feelings letter to Emily

33. Hanna trying really hard not to make Paige jealous but also being sort of weirdly intentionally hyper-aware of their relationship but in a way that makes you think maybe she sort of has feelings for Emily

32. Emily’s lesbian sitting posture

31. That time Emily identified the patriarchy

30. Emily’s love for cut-off button-ups

29. Emily’s love for plaid button-ups

28. That time Emily had total revisionist history about how she came out

27. That time Paige wished she’d taken wood shop while wearing a bald eagle cut-off shirt.

26. That time Paige tried to help Emily put a tie on

25. Hanna’s reaction when a boy tries to hit on Emily

24. Paige’s vest collection

23. Mona’s possessive feelings towards the Liars

22. That time Our Gay Boyfriend Adam Lambert was performing on the Halloween Train dressed as a vampire

21. Maya’s crazy video diary website that’s mostly just dedicated to Emily

20. That time Paige got drunk off whiskey while wearing a slouchy hat

19. That time Paige saved Spencer from a bad guy while wearing a tux

18. That time Hanna wore this outfit

17. Aria’s combat boots

16. That time Paige acted super understanding about Emily kissing Nate even though she was secretly totally raging about it

15. Paige is a martyr for love

14. That time Ali planned a fantasy trip for her and Emily to Paris

13. Emily refuses to believe her girlfriend is A even when all of her friends do

12. A’s love for whiskey

11. The amount of time Paige and Emily spend crying and comforting each other

10. The amount of time Paige and Emily spend processing their feeling and then bringing them to the table to discuss.

9. Paige fighting with Spencer because both were obsessed with thinking they knew what was best for Emily

8. That time Emily and Paige had metaphorical Barbarella energy exchange

7. Hanna being pissed that Shana isn’t into her

6. Paige’s bicycle

5. That time Emily brought Paige kale for lunch

4. Jenna and Shana being a thing and having lesbian hand sex

3. Caleb’s feelings.

2. That time Hanna went to a gay bar while trying to spy on Paige flirting with her ex-girlfriend but ended up flirting with a girl and starting a huge fight

1. All of Paige and Emily’s lesbosexy make-out kissing action

There you have it, feelings, feelings, more feelings, a bunch of super dykey clothing and even some actual lesbosexy action. I can’t wait for Season Four.

Glee Episode 417 Recap: Guilty Pleasures Zig-A-Zig-Ah

Welcome to the seventeenth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a multi-colored fruit-flavor explosion in your mouth starring an assortment of punchy youths dedicated to performing spirited renditions of 90’s pop anthems, going dog-sledding, arranging flowers and harvesting fresh root vegetables, like potatoes.

This week’s episode was definitely one of my favorites of the season! (Issues with their handling of the near/dear-to-my-heart sex worker storyline aside — although even that didn’t play out as badly as I’d anticipated.) Perhaps we owe some of this to this week’s decency to the Guilty Pleasures director, Mr. Eric Stoltz:

Eric Stoltz has directed Glee episodes before, but my love for Eric Stoltz is rooted in many things, including but not limited to his work as an actor in seminal ’80s & ’90s films as well as his brief time starring in the short-lived masterpiece Capricia as well as his directing work on shows like Nashsville, Nip/Tuck, Boston Legal and Grey’s Anatomy. He also directed one of my favorite Glee episodes of all time, Blame it On The Alcohol.

More importantly, this episode was written by the dynamic duo of Garrett Lerner & Russel Friend, writers from House M.D, Roswell and Boston Public. I think they did a pretty good job, actually, so more of them please! Anyhow, enough about me and the zombies who live in the walls, let’s recap this bitch!

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We open in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High School for Wayward Bois, where Gay Blaine’s offering Sam grocery cash. See, yesterday Gay Blaine was cutting through the cafeteria (shaves six seconds off his morning routine) when he saw something very suspicious going on…

…what could it be?!!!

Just kidding, that screencap is from an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer I was watching yesterday where Buffy can hear everybody’s thoughts and she hears somebody plotting to kill the entire student body at lunch and it turns out to be the lunch lady. Um, where was I? Oh yes! Blaine caught Sam pilfering pasta from the caf.

Sam admits that the noodles aren’t for his starving destitute family, he’s gonna let those bitches eat cake ’cause he’s stealing spaghetti for artistic purposes. Mhm.

You think you liked Emma Stone in Easy A, just wait ’til you see Emma Stone in Easy-Mac!

Gay Blaine’s admiring Sam’s edible interpretation of Lady Hummel when Tina bounces in to announce that Mr. Shue’s got a week-long case of The Flu and Glee Club’s cancelled.

Sam: “Hey uh, just curious. Are you gonna go over to his house and straddle him while he’s passed out and rub some ointment on his chest?”
Tina: “That was a phase.”

This situation thus introduces us to this week’s theme: GUILTY PLEASURES! Since it’s only “a few” weeks ’til The Supernatural Fantastic Worldwide Universehood Regional Celebration Contest of Song, Sam and Gay Blaine insist on holding Glee Club in spite of Mr. Shue’s bird flu. I hope Regionals are in Berkeley so Gay Blaine can sleep on my couch and we can talk about Klaine all night.

Anyhoo, the children are lukewarm about this theme. “Unique knows no shame, baby,” says Unique. For example, Unique’s constantly referring to herself in third person, which a normal person would be ashamed of. Not Unique. Unique will talk about Unique in the third person all Unique wants.

This kicks off the evening’s first musical number, “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go,” an homage to perms, mini-skirts, jubilation, white shorts, scrunchies, white high-tops, yellow hot-pants, scrunchy socks and neon pocket-Ts.

Here’s the original version, by WHAM!, from 1984, starring George Michael as a spritely homo and Andrew Ridgeley as his straight best friend:

Here’s the Glee version, from 2013, starring Blaine Warbler as a spritely homo and Sam Evans as his straight best friend:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrt10kAEwZI

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Cut to the hallowed hallways of McKinley High for Wayward Bitches, where Brittani tells Fake Quinn that everybody hates her because she’s mean and calls Marley fat, but because Fake Quinn is blonde and therefore has magical powers like turning Swedish, she should be on Fondue for Two.

At Fondue For Two, the ponytailed blondes exchange banter about their guilty pleasures, like farting around old people. Also, Lord Tubbington’s guilty pleasure is Scientology.

The following exchange is a rare example of a conversation that appears to have been written by somebody who has interacted with an actual teenager within the last ten years. Not because they keep repeating “guilty pleasure” like it’s an actual game and not a stupid device established for this episode of mediocre television, but because of their familiarity with the Greatest Films Of The Era.

Brit-Brit: “Guilty pleasure. Bring it On.”
Fake Quinn: “Guilty pleasure. Bring it on Again.”
Brit-Brit: “Guilty Pleasure, Bring It On, All Or Nothing.”
Fake Quinn: “Bring it On, In It To Win It.”
Brit-Brit: “Bring It On, Fight to the Finish.”
Fake Quinn: “That one’s horrible there’s no way you could like that.”

Fake Quinn refuses to confess her biggest realest guilty pleasure though. It’s probably Fun-Dip. Brittany notes, “come on, this is a safe space, we’re on the internet.”

Then something super-wacky happens — we witness Tina Cohen-Chang viewing Fondue for Two on an actual computer! It exists! This show doesn’t take place in the Glee Blackhole of Nonsense, it’s a real thing a person is watching on a computer! I can barely contain my excitement! Possibly this has happened before, but if so, I forgot all about it!

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We then wrap our babies in soft towels, strap them to our backs with giant velcro belts, and trek across the wildnerness eating Astronaut Ice Cream until at last we arrive at an actual acting class at Fake Julliard in New York, New York.

Finally! An accurate representation of actual acting classes! Like the kind where you unload your traumatic life experiences and secret shame in front of a room of your judgmental peers and then go win an Oscar.

Regardless, we’re only here to listen to Kurt’s inner monologue, which’s that as a gay man, he’s got heaps of guilty pleasures, such as Powerhouse Women in TV marathons of Golden Girls, Murder She Wrote, Designing Women & Moonlighting. He also enjoys Sweatin’ to The Oldies with Richard Simmons, but I mean don’t we all. (Have you ever seen Richard Simmons’ David Letterman appearances? They’re the best.)

Also, Kurt’s got a weird creepy boyfriend pillow he bought online while on Ambien. That used to happen to me all the time before I quit ambien in the fall of 2010, for example I purchased three nearly-identical denim mini-skirts from e-bay, a complicated 3-step set of tiny rubber bands which promised to close unsightly gaps between my front teeth in 90 days or less, and a machine that claimed to kill mice through radiation waves when you plug it into the wall. Don’t do drugs kids.

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Back in Lima, Ohio, birthplace of Phyllis Diller, Gay Blaine and Sam are hanging out in the locker room with all their bros when Sam pulls Gay Blaine aside to confess some important news:

Sam: “Lately I’ve been battling a really deep-seeded sense of shame about something in my life, and it’s a secret I’ve kept buried for as long as I can remember and I’ve been waiting to like, let it out and release this inner sin that’s tortured my insides.”
Blaine: “Do you have feelings for me?”
Sam: “What? No. Dude, come on-“

Blaine: “Obvious- obviously I’m kidding. I’m just… trying to losen you up-”
Sam: “It’s a million times worse than that.”

Sam likes Barry Manilow!!!! OMG!!! Yawn. Just like my grandmother!

Sam accidentally yells his confession, however, so all the spry young McKinley males overhear him, which must be SUPER embarrassing. I wish Gay Blaine had yelled, “AND HE MAKES MACARONI PORTRAITS OF EMMA STONE!!!” right afterwards. Remember when somebody threw rocks at Gay Blaine’s eyeballs? Lol.

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Meanwhile or perhaps the next day in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High School For Wayward Feminists, the Angry Lesbians Of the Internet storm Fake Quinn and Brit-Brit, demanding they go public with their secret sex orgy parties or else confess Fake Quinn’s guilty pleasure.

Brit-Brit spills the dirt: it’s The Spice Girls.

Um, everybody likes the Spice Girls.

Everybody.

The ladies agree that they must do the Spice Girls, and Unique says that “this fierce black woman will be Scary Spice,” which inspires Fake Quinn to go…

Which inspires everybody else to go…

Which inspires Brit-Brit to go…

Which inspires Fake Quinn to go…

And then…

So basically what just happened is Fake Quinn made a transphobic joke… and got called out on it! (Or, more specifically: didn’t get laughs or complacency, as per ushe — compare this to Tina’s “angry inch” comment from three episodes ago, which I nobody on the show, let alone any TV critics, batted an eye at. Within the fucked-up universe of Glee where offensive racist, transphobic, homophobic, sexist and size-ist jokes are made (and unchecked) like clockwork, it almost seems like progress. What happened here was nobody feeding the troll (Fake Quinn), and hopefully it worked.) I expect a flying pig to crashland on my keyboard any minute now. Or who knows, maybe Santana will get a new girlfriend or something. Anything is possible at this point.

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