Kate Moennig’s New Lesbian Character Debuts In “Ray Donovan,” A Terrible Show About Terrible Men Being Terrible

Universal lesbian heartthrob Kate Moennig, aka The L Word’s Shane, finally made her triumphant return to the world of lesbian TV characters last night on Showtime’s new summer show Ray Donovan, which we first told you about a few months ago. Ray Donovan is a man-show about a man who helps famous men hide their dirty little secrets, and Moennig plays one of Donovan’s employees, Lena. The show’s debut hit a new record for Showtime with 1.35 million viewers turning in for its premiere.

No, I will not be addressing any questions about Ilene Chaiken at this time.

Showtime’s official description of Lena left me wondering if they weren’t, perhaps, pandering a bit to the Shane lovers of the world. Not that I’m complaining:

“Lena handles Ray’s office and research for his operation. She is a no-nonsense lesbian who is both sexy and tough. She is an asset to Ray both in and out of the office.”

For those of you paying attention, that means there are two lesbian Lenas on TV this summer.

Showtime even released a character profile for Lena as part of their Ray Donovan promotion.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FSR4PjbPxow

The problem is that the pilot of the show really sucked. It was boring, overwritten, too sprawling and featured a solid five minutes of really really excruciatingly terrible unchecked transphobia. One often finds oneself thinking, “why is this a Showtime show and not a TBS show?” I can tolerate a whole lot of boring awaiting lesbosexy action, but this show’s problems go beyond “boring.” It seems Ray Donovan needs a major overhaul before it will be palatable.

Todd VanDerWerff at The AV Club points out in its excellent review of the episode that “Ray Donovan never suggests a good reason for its own existence, beyond the fact that shows with troubled, male, middle-aged heroes have been popular these last few years, so maybe there should be another one. There is not one thing that’s remarkable about Ray Donovan, the protagonist, to suggest that he should be at the center of his own television show.”

Emily Nussbaum at The New Yorker declared Donovan “straight out of antihero central casting: a sinner, but smarter than everyone else,”

Tim Surette at TV.com noted that “at times the pilot was good, at times it was shockingly bad, but mostly it stayed within that region no television show wants to be in: uninteresting.”

June Thomas at Slate wrote in “Enough With the TV Antiheroes Already” that we’ve seen all this before: “I’ve also seen damaged tough guys, demanding wives, selfish parents, messed-up siblings, snake-in-the-grass Hollywood lawyers, dumb actors, and deluded agents. And I’m very familiar with your way of introducing a female character and then involving her in a sex scene in a matter of seconds.”

Maureen Ryan at The Huffington Post describes it as “an awkward melange of anti-hero tropes.”

Yet it’s got a 75 score at Metacritic, which means a lot of reviewers really liked it, too.

It’s pretty clear to us that the only original and interesting thing about this show is that Shane is in it, but unfortunately Moennig only got about fifty-three seconds of screen time in the pilot. Fortunately, one of those seconds included Moennig waking up next to a cute girl and telling her to get dressed.

The L World Season Seven

It remains to be seen if Ray Donovan will get it’s act together such that we can stand to watch it. I hope it does and that Lena will be our favorite new TV lezzie. Or a rehash of Shane. Or even both. In the meantime, treat yourself to just Moennig’s scenes from this week’s pilot episode, The Bag or the Bat!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ErAQjtNkPk

Pretty Little Liars 403: Cat’s Cradle, Silver Snoop

Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars the magical fantasy show where we slog through weeks and weeks of murder in order to get a tiny sliver of high school lesbotrons. If you’re just joining us, last week Emily and Paige tried really hard to UHaul, a seriously repetitive mockingjay just would not stop obnoxiously singing a phone number, Wilden is dead and Aria is going to stick it to her 25 year old martial arts instructor.

We open this week on the Liars in the Life Cafe as they go through a bunch of Ali’s old stuff. That girl seriously has an endless number of possessions to pick through. The Liars even found some sweet old Lisa Frank diaries to pore over. Who knew that Alison loved making her own homemade pickles?!

Aria this is some nice Glee fanfic but I’m just not sure there’s a real market for this unless you turn it into a moderate spin-off light bondage best seller

There’s some rumblings amongst the group that they should be worried that Ashley Marin killed Wilden. You know, because she seems really guilty.

It was just a love crunch.

Worst of all, Emily’s shoulder is still hurting. If she can’t swim and therefore she and Paige can’t run away together to the San Francisco Gay Area I will die. Seriously, this is how I go. On my headstone it will say “Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead from lack of satisfying lesbian plotline.” It also might say “Death by Spoby” if only so that 100 years from now some historian will think Spoby was some terrible disease. Which it is.

Ella is across the room hashing out the details of her love life with her hulking younger man friend. Do you remember his name? I don’t! It never seemed important. I just called him Bakery Boy when he first showed up, so I suppose I will now. Aria is pretty jealous because her new boy toy Sensei Hot Stuff is only interested in a contractual sub-dom relationship with no emotional involvement.

Do you think Babeland is going to let me return this butt plug now that I’ve used it?

So yeah. While Aria feels like this:

For a potato.

Ella’s getting invited to go live in a castle in Austria for a year with Bakery Boy.

Like at the same time? Do you even know how to do that?

Yup. Ella been invited to shag princess style in the home of the Von Trapp family. I feel like it’s time to face the fact that maybe all of our mothers are having better sex than us. I mean, they have approximately 30 years of experience on us. This is depressing. I need to move on.

But let me get this straight. You want me to believe that Ella would be able to afford just drop everything and move to Vienna, but wouldn’t have the money to just visit a few times. Does make any sense whats so ever? Well…

Nope.

On the other side of the room, the Liars find a creepy mask and they wonder where Mona is. Nothing reminds anyone of Mona quite like a creepy mask!

Not to be confused with a “cuddle-bone” which is cuddling following by boning and should never ever be done with your ex.

Just as the Liars are like, “Where is that crazy brunette?!” another crazy brunette walks in! I swear this town is just brimming with crazy brunettes. That’s right Melissa’s back and even though I never knew she was gone this is a really big deal. I mean she even wore peplum for the occasion. Guys: peplum.

I look so good in this suit maybe I’ll get a latte. Hell, maybe I’ll get ten lattes.

We kick things off with our first installment Deep Thoughts with Melissa Hastings, the hit new show where Melissa practices her favorite hobby of being cryptic, not making any sense and speaking in approximately 90% riddles. This is actually only slightly worse than the rest of the show which is 80% riddles.

Do you know the muffin man? Are you sure you really know him?

If the truth is out there, then is someone else’s truth in here?

What’s a pie made out of cow pie called? Is that a cow pie pie?

Starsweep across town  and jump through time where our third favorite lesbian is finally back! Oh Caleb, how I’ve missed you and your panache for dyed leather. Your windswept glossy raven hair. Your black work boots. Your meaningful glances across the room that could either mean, “Let’s get another cat and name her Khaleesi” or “I have seriously bad gas.”

I just can’t believe how bad it is! It’s like something died!

Caleb’s been off in the distance searching for his lost father. Reconnecting. Talking. Laughing. Loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming. Also cleaning fish? That too, but it didn’t really fit before.

Let’s name the next cat Europa. It’s sort of ancient greek but also a tribute to modern Europe. I just love a good tribute name.

Now that he’s back, he’s determined to help Hanna clear her mother’s name.

Now don’t you worry your pretty little head. I’m gonna get to the bottom of this bad gas situation.

That’s right, nothing will make Ashley look guilty! Nothing at all! Not even this heavy-handed conveniently placed church sign about guilt.

And those whose hands lie on their bossoms have a rockin’ good time.

Elsewhere Ella and Aria debrief all the latest details of Ella’s steamy jet setting love life with Bakery Boy.

What do you even need all those books for?

Aria points out to her mom that a year is a long time to be away from someone and asks if she might miss her man friend. Anyone else noticed how instead of actually giving advice Aria just asks leading questions? Manipulation at its finest.

Mostly to learn how to take it in the butt

Ella’s face says that she will miss someone if she’s away from them for a year. Maybe even miss, I don’t know, her daughter. **Dramatic pause for effect**

Just accidentally pictured her mom’s sex life.

Starsweep to the Hastings residence where Spencer is putting all her energy into figuring out the bird phone number. She’s using a website that is totally totally right, right? This looks very legit. I guess the Yellow Pages wouldn’t let Pretty Little Liars use their name.

Not to be confused with the Phone Doctor Lookup which helps you find people in the area who can fix your phone

This mockingjay phone number song triggered something deep inside Spencer’s Veronica Mars brain. She’s spent every moment since obsessing over the phone number, potentially to prevent herself from obsessing over getting rejected from UPenn. Or maybe she just doesn’t care about UPenn anymore since Spencer’s behavior is entirely inconsistent with her character when she’s around TobAy.

I just need you to talk less.

TobAy, meanwhile is still poring over his mother’s doctor’s notes from the day of her suicide. Spencer wants TobAy to tell the other Liars about how he stole the A-Mobile, but BOTP TobAy wants to continuing doing whatever the fuck he wants in his own self interest. He also eats veal.

Can’t you just get replaced with someone else? Maybe with someone from the modern era?

Spencer wants to do everything she can to make everything sunshine and rainbows for TobAy because that’s what you do when you’re being consistently manipulated by your partner. She agrees to go back to Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane to snoop for Mamma TobAy clues.

Across the cul de sac in the land of magically growing hair, Hanna and her mother eat take out for the 100th time this season because TV Land wants you to think that single mothers suffer as compared with nuclear families. I can’t decide if this was the week that Pretty Little Liars decided to fully embrace the patriarchy or if this is just the first week this season that I haven’t been distracted by hot Paily action.

Guess how many lesbian plot lines I have hidden in this bag!

Hanna give her mom the third degree about what she did in New York City. Which is ridiculous because everyone knows that every trip to the Big Apple looks just exactly like this:

IF BRITTANY ISN’T GIVING YOU A DOUBLE JUMP HIGH FIVE THAN I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU WENT.

So why even bother asking? Regardless, Ashley says she just had a boring meeting and definitely didn’t do any murder or attempted murder. It had been on the schedule but the 2pm finance seminar ran late and they had to cancel.

I am just elbow deep in lesbian plot lines but you can’t have any!

After some arbitrary amount of time, we visit Aria and Sensei Hot Stuff are watching the 1946 classic The Big Sleep because Pretty Little Liars show-runner Marlene King is obsessed with Bogart and Bacall.

Leaving room for the holy ghost of A.

I know I’m supposed to take this moment to analyze the plot of The Big Sleep with regard to missing persons, homosexuality and murder, but for the sake of time let’s skip that part and go directly to the part where you all think I’m well read and insightful. Deal? Deal.

In 1946 this was, legally speaking, an orgy.

The important part here is that Sensei Hot Stuff vocalizes that he doesn’t trust the femme fatale and Aria absolutely cannot stand people who talk during movies. Or people who don’t like all the same things she likes.

Sensei Hot Stuff remains committed to indulging all the women who read Fifty Shades of Grey.

Aria: “That would be pretty dull.”
Sensei: Hot Stuff: “I don’t think you like dull.”
Aria: “No, I don’t.”
Sensei: Hot Stuff: “Then let me show you this website I found, crashpadseries.com”

The next morning, the sun is shining in Rosewood and Emily is at the doctor’s office. What does Every Specialty Wren have to say about Emily’s shoulder? Actually nothing because as it turns out there is more than one doctor in Rosewood! Imagine that!

Why yes, this is my real chin.

Emily’s doctor is suspicious because nothing about Emily’s case makes any sense. Because she said she fell off her bike. Also he thinks Emily’s abusing oxycodone because she’s terrible at lying.

What do you mean I can’t fingerblast until my shoulder heals? I want a second opinion.

Elsewhere Hanna drops by her mother’s work to give her the car keys or some other such made up excuse. She brings what I can only call the cutest purse I have ever seen in my entire life.

It’s like the most perfect shade of purple I’ve ever seen.

Like all visits to Rosewood places of business this one includes snooping around! Ashley was sent flowers which are, of course, A’s specialty. Hanna finds the flower-card thing in the trash where the note reveals that, while the flowers aren’t from A, Ashley didn’t actually attend the last night of the conference. The one that took place The Night Wilden Died. Shocker.

They thought a donkey show would involve more animal training and less bestiality.

Shit We Learned This Episode

1. Ashley wasn’t in New York The Night Wilden Was Murdered

Okay so clearly Ashley’s lying to Hanna to protect her. If everyone in Rosewood stopped lying to each other to protect each other A would probably be busted by now. Then again if Ashley would stop trying to commit theft and murder maybe A would stop pursuing her.

As part of her commitment to confronting people, Hanna shows her mom the note and storms out. I love the new Hanna.

Prologue to a Brittany Spears music video.

At school, the Liars update each other on all their mom drama.

Well that’s because she’s going for the sausage.

In the end, they just renewed commitment to figuring out the Mockingjay telephone number. I renewed my commitment to figuring out when girls are going to kiss on my TV. Both seem futile.

Oh well, better just start watching Degrassi.

Pam shows up to pick Emily up from school. Dr. Suspicious called her because he thought Emily might have taken some of the oxycodone that he prescribed Pam some arbitrary amount of time earlier. Depending on Emily’s age Dr. Suspicious may have just pretty seriously violated doctor-patient confidentiality. Either way Pam is pissed.

I told you to stop buying stuff from Babeland with my credit card!

Pam apparently counted the pills which is hilarious because if you were that concerned about your daughter taking your prescription drugs you’d think you would, I don’t know, throw out the old bottle.

And what is with all these purchases from the Home Depot??

Emily doesn’t understand that this is the part where she stops lying and tells her mom that she was in so much pain she couldn’t stand even light touch.

And don’t get me started on the charges to the Rosewood Kitten Adoption Center.

Then Pam goes a little crazy town.

Easy on the leather! Paige and I bought these as soul-mate jackets!

Back at the Marin’s Caleb and Hanna argue over what to name their future children. Hanna likes Rose, named for the place where they met, but Caleb thinks it’s too gender normative.

Can we at least both agree that we like “Summer” or are you still concerned that will give her too much season privilege?!

Hanna goes on to freak out about her mother some more. Caleb thinks that Ashley should talk to a lawyer because at this point everyone in Rosewood should have a lawyer on retainer at all times.

(Also we found out that Hanna’s father pulled her step-sister out of Rosewood high. I guess that explains where she’s been for the last season. I wonder if she went to the same new school as Aria’s brother.)

For unexplained reasons Hanna heads over to the Rosewood Police Station. I guess she’s looking for Pam or something. Pam isn’t there because she’s fighting it out with Emily. Hanna looks around and notices Detective 2.0’s office. Hanna doesn’t find Pam, but she finds something better. A chart.

It’s the way that we live. And love.

Detective 2.0’s chart isn’t nearly as good as ours but it’s a damn fine start.

Grace made it bigger and better for us. Because bigger is always better. Always.

It looks like somehow the Rosewood police have more put together than I even do. I’m sure there are a million things to talk about on this chart, but the only thing I can focus on is how Dr. Kingston is written as “Dr.” Kingston. What if Pretty Little Liars decides to explain away Everything Specialty Wren by saying he’s not really a doctor?!

Although the “would do anything for her” is a bit odd too.

Just as Hanna is going to take pictures, Detective 2.0 shows up. Detective 2.0 ushers Hanna out of the room but gets distracted when he sees Melissa. Honestly I can’t fathom why she’s there, but it’s possible that she’s playing her second round of Deep Thoughts with Melissa Hastings.

So if a policeman and a policewoman have a child together, it is called a policebaby?

Meanwhile Caleb gets involved in the age old lesbian tradition of butting into your girlfriend’s business behind her back. Caleb tracks down Hanna’s father, Tom, outside his law office in order to tell him all about Wilden’s death and how Hanna and Ashley are going to need his help. Mr. Marin sort of doesn’t give a shit. It’s one of those uncomfortable moments where you want to stick your head in the sand and scream “This is so inappropriate!”

You can’t tell us how to name our children! And Xena is a perfectly great name regardless of the gender!

Man, I have got to start peeing before I leave on these long missions.

Later, Aria and Emily sit around perfecting their expert mask cleaning skills and baiting the shippers. Aria asks Emily if she finally admitted to her mom that she took the meds. Emily said she had to, but told her mom the whole fall of her bike lie.

Did you really just ask me why the Voting Rights Act is important? I can’t even have this conversation with you.

Aria: “It wasn’t that big of a lie”
Emily: “Do you hear yourself? I took my mom’s prescription meds! I mean, it’s not that big of a lie compared to everything else we have to deal with. Oh my fucking God Aria! Seriously!”

But really, why on earth would Emily tell such a bad lie? Like what about something slightly more dramatic but less damning. Like, “Oh mom I was out late at night with the girls and a car almost hit me so I dove for the ground but I didn’t want you to freak out and not let me hang out with the girls at night” or something. This is not hard, the Liars are just actually, technically, legally really bad at coming up with lies.

This is just like cross stitch but with a mask. I call it mask stitch.

Aria awkwardly fidgets with the mask, suddenly magically revealing that there is an Alison mask underneath. The two realize that Ali must have modeled for all the other Ali masks, and fortunately the mask has a tag on the back side. Eureka! They can track the mask! This is all going to be solved! Just kidding, this is never ever ever going to be solved. Like ever.

It’s says… “The answer is 42, but what is the question?” Oh. Fuck.

Back over at the Marin’s, Hanna is lying on her bed studying. It cracks me up how Hanna is practically the only Liar we ever see doing homework and yet she’s supposed to be the dumb one.

I can be a teen lesbian if I want! Look! I already bought this cat shirt!

Ashley walks in with a freaked out Godfather style with a hearty dose of “Don’t ask me about my business.” The she tells Hanna not to lie to anyone if they ask her where she was — just to keep quiet. Ashley looks awful guilty, which means she probably isn’t.

All right. This one time I’ll let you ask me about my affairs!

“The Fosters” Episode 104 Recap: The One With The Quinceañera

Episode 4 opens with a shot of a pink puffy dress which is not to be confused with a pink puffy heart because we all know those are better. Marianna is trying on the dress while Lena and Lexi coo and make clappy hands. The owner of the dress shop smiles and says something in Spanish and Lexi translates for all of us and says, “She’s asking if your father’s tie is gonna match your dress.”

Saddle up buckaroos! This is going to be a bumpy ride!

Marianna freezes and Lena thinks, “Coming out to the dressmaker was not covered in the Lesbian Mom Manual!” Lexi saves the day (if by “saving the day”, we mean “outing”) and says, “She’s dancing with her moms.” On cue, Stef the Cop Mom enters in uniform and gives Lena a smooch on the lips.

Marianna is changing and Lexi says she wishes she had two moms throwing her a quinceañera and says, “My parents refuse and we’re Latino.” Marianna pauses and Lexi says, “I mean, so you are you but…” Dammit Lexi. Must you be so 15?

Marianna’s underwear proves Stef doesn’t work for the Fashion Police

Stef and Lena pay for the dress and Stef says, “$300 for a dress she’s only gonna wear once?” and Lena says, “We’ll cut it short and she can wear it to prom.” Yeah right. Stef asks Lena to reign in the spending just as Lena grants Marianna’s wish for a bubble machine. Dreams really do come true. Bibbidi bobbidi boo.

Digression 1: Are you happy, Deborah Goldstein? I changed “Steph” to “Stef” just for you.

In the Great Lesbian Kitchen, the family prepares dinner and Stef is in plain clothes so we can only assume that she is undercover. Brandon asks if Talya the Horrible can stay for dinner and Marianna asks if Lexi can stay and I’m no mathemagician but that’s a lot of people. Marianna brings up her friend Kelsey who tasted the rainbow of the non-gay variety too many times and ended up in rehab, which means there’s an opening in Marianna’s quinceañera court, so she asks Callie if she wants to take her place. Callie says sure and Talya wants to know who Callie will be dancing with and Marianna says, “Brandon.” Dun dun dun.

Later, Stef asks Brandon if things are okay with Talya and he says that they are and I say that I hate Talya but they don’t care! Stef then says what we have all wanted to say since Episode 1, “Brandon, listen. You know that…I’m assuming that you know that…well…you know foster siblings are not allowed to…to…I don’t know…hook up. I don’t know what you guys call it these days.” I’m surprised that the woman who could make the leap from Moby Dick to condoms struggles to say this but I’m willing to let it go because I am smitten with her. Brandon says he knows but we know that he doesn’t really know and we know that Stef knows he doesn’t really know but also doesn’t want to know that she knows. You know? Brandon leaves and Lena comes in to complain about her mother and Stef says, “She’s nothing but lovely to me.” Which is sweet and also not the proper way to comfort your partner when she’s having mommy issues.

Upstairs, Marianna and Lexi are talking about mariachi bands and mass and Callie is lying on her bed doing homework and heroically fighting the urge to roll her eyes and I am not as heroic as Callie. Jesus, who shall be called HayZ for the rest of this recap, walks by and looks meaningfully at Lexi and she says she’s going to “use the ladies’ room”. Stef! Where are you?! Kids these days don’t call it hooking up – they call it “using the ladies’ room”! We then get to see HayZ and Lexi using the ladies’ room.

This “ladies’ room” is lacking in ladies.

HayZ goes to his room where Jude is sitting on his bed doing nothing but looking creepy. Like Damien The Firestarter Omen creepy. Maybe the kid is just a bad actor but I’m not a fan of his knowing glances and silent staring.

Bad acting or foreshadowing of future possession?

Stef enters and says, “HAY-ZEUS!” and I say “Geshundheit!” She tells him that he’s being a good sport about Marianna’s party and then heads to Marianna’s room to spread the love.

Digression 2: Marianna calls Stef “mom” and, in the same conversation, Stef refers to Lena as “mama” so I think we finally have clarity on the name biz, though I realized why I haven’t cared about it at all. One of the first questions people ask me when they realize I’m a lesbian mom is “What do the kids call you?” Of all the questions someone could ask me about my family, that’s the least interesting one. Wouldn’t you rather know what I told my kid when he found a little something something in my bedside table?

Marianna and Stef discuss swag bags and Stef says, “You’re not embarrassed to dance with us at your party are you?” and she says it in this tiny voice and Marianna is in a tough spot here. Marianna smiles and tears up and we know that Marianna is embarrassed but we don’t get to see her tell Stef and see Stef’s reaction because we need to speed ahead and watch Callie eat apple slices at school the next day.

As she is eating, that weird guy from English class comes up to her, the one I completely omitted from the previous recap because he didn’t have any dialogue or a name and I applied Horror Movie Logic to him and figured he would be dismembered by a serial killer or just never show up again. I was wrong. He’s back.

Digression 3: On opening day of the Mall of America, I said, “This place will never make it.” That was 20 years ago and MOA is currently expanding. With my skills in prediction, Weird Guy will have a spin-off within a week.

Anyway, Weird Guy says, “That’s a sad lunch but I guess it beats prison food,” and Callie speaks for all of us when she says, “Really? That’s your opening line.” Weird Guy invites her to the beach Saturday night but she says she can’t because she has a thing and now I know that she’ll end up at the beach with him because I am smart and can uncover these subtle clues.

There is a quick scene in which all of Marianna’s court are learning to waltz and Talya looks on as Callie and Brandon dance together. Why is Talya even there? She’s not a justice on the Quinceañera Court.

It’s nighttime at the Charming Craftsman and the doorbell rings and Stef excitedly announces, “Everyone! Gram’s here!”

Gram. Graham crackers. S’mores. Yummy.

Gram comes in with hugs and kisses for everyone and mentions that Grampa is in Paris and Marianna wishes she were in Paris and Gram says that maybe she’ll take her someday. Then, Gram introduces herself to Callie and Jude and envelops them in hugs and says sweet things and I love her so much. I want her to take me to Paris and share a baguette and fancy cheese with me while we talk about the flying buttresses of Notre Dame.

Morning comes quickly and Stef walks into the kitchen in a lovely dark teal dress and Lena is standing there in an outfit that looks like something Rohu wear to a formal spawning.

Digression 4: I thought her top looked like fish scales and then Googled fish scale images for longer than I’d like to admit and learned a lot about Rohu which is a carp found in South Asia and I could make a fish joke here but will resist in favor of telling you that Rohu are in the genus Labeo and that sounds a lot like something else, don’t you think? The more you know.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

Stef and Lena kiss passionately. Gotcha! They don’t. Have you not been watching this show? Stef says they should dress up for each other more often which implies that they do not make full use of Stef’s uniform on the regular. Stef gathers party stuff. Gram and Lena snipe at each other about hair.

Callie comes downstairs in a long dark pink dress with a faux diamond belt and I hate it but who am I to judge? I’m wearing an A-Camp t-shirt and striped pajama shorts. Talya enters in time to see Brandon ogling Callie and, when Brandon leaves, Talya approaches like a Great White Shark on Shark Week RAWR and threatens to tell everyone about Liam.

At the party venue, Stef puts gift bags on tables and Mike gives Stef an envelope with a check in it or it’s a receipt for dry cleaning. Stef doesn’t want to accept it but he insists and Stef asks him if he’ll dance the father/daughter dance with Marianna. Mike is honored but HayZ is upset that Marianna doesn’t want to do The Dance of the Gay Moms. HayZ is my favorite and I’m inviting him to Paris.

Lexi gives Marianna a present – a framed collage of pictures and mementos from their years of friendship – and Marianna says, “Did you do that all yourself?” and I say, “What the hell, Marianna? It’s poorly clipped pictures and some movie tickets! My cat could do that!’ But, Marianna is more easily impressed than I and tells Lexi she loves her and Lexi loves Marianna and Joanie loves Chachi. Lena then gives Marianna a tiara and Marianna says, “It looks expensive.” and Lena says, “It was. Don’t tell mom.” Good luck with that Lena, We know that Stef does the bills because we saw her and her little checkbook last week.

In the Hallway of Teen Secrets, Lexi tells HayZ she can’t be with him because of Marianna. He says that Marianna is selfish and won’t dance with their moms and is still talking to their birth mom and, because he’s saying all of these harsh but true things, we know that Marianna is standing just out of sight listening to it all. We get a close up of Marianna’s face and she is so genuinely sad that my heart breaks for her.

Everyone is ready to enter the party but Lexi is missing. She appears and says, “Sorry. I was in the bathroom,” and Marianna says, “You’re going to the bathroom a lot lately.” Urinary tract infection or teen love? As they all get in position, Callie ditches Brandon for some random guy named Sam and Brandon is confused. They enter the party room and the DJ announces the father/daughter dance. Mike and Marianna take the floor and Lena and Stef stand by and watch and sigh…

Digression 5: Marianna obviously admitted to Stef that she was uncomfortable and they didn’t press the issue. It may seem like a small thing but it’s actually a very big thing. Kids of queers are so often visible without always having the choice. I support this parenting decision.

Mike and Marianna dance. Stef and Lena smile. I cry and hate myself every emotionally manipulative minute. While they dance, Brandon asks Callie why she switched partners and she tells him that Talya is awful and Lexi and HayZ process and Sam stands alone wondering if he’ll get as much screen time as Weird Guy because he’s at least got a name.

Then, Marianna and her court take the floor to dance and they all dance like Angry Disney Princesses on Ice.

Afterwards, Talya tells Brandon and Callie they were “so great” and I don’t think she’s being sincere. Brandon drags her out of the room and they argue and Talya admits she read Callie’s journal and he breaks up with her. I hope the Fosters don’t have a pet rabbit.

Marianna is in the bathroom applying lip-gloss like she’s punching herself in the mouth and Lexi comes in and Marianna is all “You’re a big fat liar and I’m not the biggest hypocrite in the world for saying that!’ Then, Marianna and Lexi break up.

Mike is taking advantage of the open bar and Stef orders two white wines before telling Mike to pace himself. He slurs, “It’s a party, Stef. Have some fun.” Geez Mike. Way to get personal. Everyone knows lesbians are no fun.

Gram mentions to Lena that the party must have cost a lot and that she knows money has been tight for them. Lena tells her the party was important because she wants Marianna to embrace her cultural heritage and be a part of the Latino community and Gram says, “Which, of course, she isn’t.” I fidget nervously but Gram ignores my discomfort and proceeds. “I’m just saying that being Latina isn’t just about the color of her skin.” Gram is right but I’m a Libra and want to step in and say, “I see that we’re all a little tense here…”

But Lena takes us further down the path of no return and says, “But being black is? For you, being black has always been about the color of a person’s skin.” Now, I feel like I am watching something extremely personal and it’s an important conversation and sometimes important conversations make you uncomfortable but I’d rather watch the squirrel outside my window because he’s scampering and scampering rarely makes me feel anxious. Gram says that “dark-skinned people have a different experience than light-skinned ones” and Lena says, “And by different, you mean more authentic.” I don’t think that is what she means at all, Lena. I think she’s talking about privilege but I will stay out of this because I have oodles of it. Lena admits that she has never felt accepted by the black or white communities and Gram says, “I’m so sorry you’ve had such a hard time being a beautiful light-skinned woman.” Gram fights dirty and lands one final blow, “Like it or not, you will never know what it’s like to be a black woman in America.” Technical knock out.

Digression 6: I once found a little blue submarine in my box of Cap’n Crunch and filled it with baking soda as instructed and it dipped and dove in the tub as advertised. This scene was like the little blue submarine. It was a pleasant surprise and it worked. As a community where many families are created through adoption, we should be having these conversations more often.

We next see Lena staring out at the ocean and Stef arrives with two glasses of wine and uses her special Lesbian Partner Powers to figure out that Lena is upset about her mom. Lena gives her the highlights and Stef whispers, “You know where you belong.”

Stef…what lovely goblets you have.

Digression 7: Has anyone else noticed how much Stef whispers? Endearing or annoying? I vote endearing.

Lena starts to cry and says she shouldn’t be crying because it’s Marianna’s party and Stef says, “This is her party but you can cry if you want to.” They both laugh and I whisper, “Stef, I love you.”

Back inside, the DJ tells people to find their seats and Stef gives a little speech about Marianna and HayZ bringing love into their lives and says, “And because a picture is worth a thousand words, we’re gonna watch this…”

They bring down a screen and the montage starts and I immediately start crying.

I guess we know who wears the bandana in this relationship

Digression 8: I often talk to my partner about my funeral montage. No, I’m not dying or obsessed with death – I’m just controlling and love a good montage. So, I’ll say, “This pic would be great for my montage!” or “Make sure to use this song in my montage!” I am a barrel of laughs. She’s probably going to leave me for Stef.

After the montage, Stef, Lena and Marianna ask HayZ to join them and they wish him a happy birthday and give him a pony! No, they don’t. They give him a stupid skateboard that I know for a fact cost much less than the dress and the party and the tiara and I am annoyed on his behalf. The rest of the family joins (Mike declines because he’s a drunk martyr) and Stef asks Callie and Jude to join and there is a cake and a mariachi band and hugs and yay.

Brandon tells Callie he broke up with Talya and then says, “I already know everything I need to know about you.” Callie is angry or sad or afraid she’ll drag him to the ladies’ room and swishes off.

Brandon runs into Mike who is drunk and offers to drive him home and, as they look for the car, Brandon spies Callie’s discarded slipper along with a giant pumpkin carriage.

Marianna sits alone looking sad/guilty/constipated and Stef and Lena come and sit beside her. Marianna says, “I’m sorry.” Stef says, “For what?” and I say, “How much time do you have Stef? I have extensive notes on her offenses.” Marianna says, “For being selfish.” Marianna says the party was expensive and they work hard and then she didn’t dance with them and this is the perfect end to this arc. Sometimes as parents, we hurt a little with the hope that our kids figure this sort of thing out on their own. The three of them hug it out.

HayZ tells Lexi he won’t let her leave without a dance, so they dance because she can’t stay there forever. Callie walks on the beach and finds the Weird Guy and his closing line is, “You look dumb in that dress.” Snap him up, Callie. He’s a shaggy-haired keeper!

As the show closes, Marianna, Stef and Lena twirl their cares away on the dance floor.

Overall impression: Liked it. Great use of music too.

Favorite line: “It’s her party but you can cry if you want to.”

Really? Did they have to do that?: Please, please, please stop the Callie and Brandon thing. I will give you my first-born. Actually, I’ll give you both of my kids because they have been fighting all day.

Style Thief: Couples Formal Attire Part One – TV Couples

Welcome to the fourteenth installment of Style Thief, where I steal the clothes off queer style icons’ backs. Metaphorically, that is. I’ll try figure out just exactly what makes queer style icons tick by breaking down their look into itty bitty bite size pieces. I get a lot of questions about how to look like different celebrities/characters, so I’m finally tackling the question “How the hell do I dress like that?”

Header by Rory Midhani

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This week on Style Thief we’re doing something totally different! Instead of looking at individual’s styles, I want to sneak a peek at a few great couples styles. Couples styles for fancy-pants parties. It’s wedding season and DOMA just got struck down so you know you’re about to attend a dozen engagement parties and weddings. If you’re fortunate enough to have made your way out of the singles table, then you might just be trying to coordinate outfits with your lady friend. While it’s, of course, totally okay to each wear whatever the heck you want, sometimes it’s fun and refreshing to coordinate your outfits. I mean, just think of the pictures!

It’s hard enough to put together cohesive outfit alone, let alone with with your significant other. There are no rules for lesbians the way there are for straight couples. You can’t just say, “hints of the color scheme of her dress in his tie.” Well, you can if you’re rocking a traditional butch-femme look, but for many couples that’s not their personal style. You have to find a balance where you like the way your outfits look together, but you avoid twinning out or looking like cheesy prom dates.

This week I’ll be starting with TV couples because their outfits are optimized by a costume designer/stylist to best compliment each other without overshadowing one another.

Quick disclaimer: You might notice there are no butch-butch couples or even super MOC women in this article. I really tried but TV hates us BOTP.

Carmen and Shane, The L Word

If ever you don’t know how to coordinate outfits, black and white is a great place to start. Carmen (left) and Shane (right) are wearing outfits that have almost nothing in common. Between Shane’s more formal tie and Carmen’s crop-top, the two could practically be attending separate events. Yet, despite those inconsistencies, by wearing black their outfits appear to go together. That being said, it’s good to incorporate some white in at least one outfit, as side-by-side all black tends to make you look like you’re attending a funeral.

Ties
Belts

Lena and Stef, The Fosters

The Fosters is ABCFamily’s new show staring a couple of good old fashioned lesbian moms. I know they look here like maybe they’re getting married, but actually they’re look super fresh to attend their daughter’s quinceañera. Interestingly, Lena (left) tends to be the more hippy-dippy mom while Stef (right) is the hardcore cop mom. Instead of translating this into more traditionally masculine or feminine formal attire, here this translate into Lena’s more free spirited outfit versus Stef’s more “conventional” one.

Lena and Stef’s outfits work so well together because, while they don’t share a color palate, the two outfits are thematically similar. Fundamentally, both outfits have airy, light fabric that utilizes short lines at the hems. This gives both looks a similar “flow” to them. Additionally, both women utilize V shapes in different ways. The Vs of Lena’s pant hem, pointed shoes and blouse neckline complement the V-neck of Stef’s dress. Finally, both outfits incorporate just a hint of sparkly; Lena down the front of her blouse and Stef at her waistline.

Tanks
Pumps

Tasha and Alice, The L Word

Tasha (left) and Alice (right) exemplify one of my favorite ways to tie together two outfits: using different shade of the same color. The key with using similar shades of the same color is to aim for shades that are distinctly different. If you end up with shades that just barely match, It appears that you’ve attempted to perfectly match and failed, and the look ends up sloppy. If you are successful in your perfect match, you often end up with the prom date effect.

While it can be really difficult to find those two perfect shades in a color, grey is a much easier way to begin. If one partner wears a true grey or charcoal, this leaves the other partner open to explore the vast shades of blue-greys and purple-greys. This is particularly great if one partner feels like they will have a more difficult time finding something to wear. It opens up a wide array of options without compromising cohesion.

Vests
Tanks

Fiona and Imogen, Degrassi

Fiona (left) and Imogen (right), show us another great example of wearing complementing but vastly different colors side by side. While you might not initially think to put hot pink and tangerine together, they both pack a serious punch; Imogen and Fiona are widely successful.

Here, it’s all about the accessories. While the outfits are different in shape and fabric, you could still transpose elements of each on to the other. Imogen and Fiona could easily swap shoes, and Fiona’s leather jacket would look just as brilliant with Imogen’s dress as Imogen’s lace glove would look on Fiona.

A great trick here is to buy both outfits and/or accessories at from the same designer or store. Designers plan their clothing under the assumption that someone will wear individual pieces together, thus those same pieces often work well side by side. This is particularly handy when you can shop at a store that sells both men’s and women’s attire.

Cocktail Dresses
Platforms

Santana and Brittany, Glee

It’s rare that I don’t love anything about Santana (left) and Brittany (right), but I’m going to level with you. I don’t like Brittany’s outfit here. I’m just not crazy about little hats. What I am crazy about is the way in which Santana and Brittany’s color schemes complement one another. This is the perfect example of how you can wear completely different outfits that still look nice together.

Both girls manage to wear different but in-style colors and shapes, while avoiding clashing with one another. No one on the planet looks better than Naya Rivera (Santana) in red tones, so it seems natural that she would wear her form fitted one shoulder dress. Brittany, on the other hand, goes to the entire opposite end of style spectrum with a big skirt in a cool color. Yet, together their outfits still work because the colors themselves go so nicely together.

The key here is finding colors that look nice together, but that is easier said than done. One big trick is to look at the colors currently used together in patterns and jewelry. Turquoise and coral are both extremely in style right now, and have appeared together all over the place. With this in mind, pairing together coral and turquoise dresses does not seem like such a big jump.

Blazers
Belts

Of course, these are just a few of the ways you can look awesome with your beau all party season long. There are a million ways to coordinate regardless of your personal styles or the event your attending. With that in mind, we’ll continue looking at couples next Style Thief when we move out of TV Land and into the real world!

If there’s a queer style icon you’d like to see stripped down in Style Thief, send me an ASS message, ask on my tumblr, or tweet me @Ohheyitslizz

How Do We Solve A Problem Like “Queerbaiting”?: On TV’s Not-So-Subtle Gay Subtext

We’re at an interesting moment in history for LGBTQ media representation. We’re long past the days when queer characters and romances were limited to gay-oriented shows buried in the premium channel listings; now, there are plenty of mainstream shows, even those aimed at teenagers, that represent people like us and our love and sex lives. And as our political equality goes further and further, and it’s clearer and clearer that the majority of Americans support marriage equality and other LGBTQ political issues, we’re likely to see even more of us on our screens, big and small, as writers cue into the notion that their audiences are not necessarily threatened by characters of different sexual orientations or gender identities.

Which, of course, means that fans demand more accountability from writers that get us wrong – or just don’t give us enough. Hence, the debate that’s been flaring across the queer and pro-queer Internet about the notion of “queerbaiting” – when they give us just enough to keep us interested, but not enough to satisfy us and make us truly represented. But what does that mean exactly? What is “queerbaiting”?

It’s hard to find anything about where exactly the term “queerbaiting” in this context originated, but it seems to have entered the popular lexicon on fan-heavy sites like Tumblr and Livejournal as a result of several controversies involving “queerbaiting” with male TV characters – namely, in Tumblr favorites like Supernatural and Teen Wolf. In the case of the former, actor Misha Collins used the term at a convention, stating: “First of all, I think the term ‘queerbaiting’ is not accurate. It pissed me off, because I feel like a real champion of that community with all those letters [LGBTQ] – you know, I’ve officiated gay weddings. Also, I don’t understand what the term means.”

Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch) and John Watson (Martin Freeman) from the BBC series, via The Mary Sue

Tumblr, predictably, erupted over these comments (even though, in context, they come off quite differently). But Collins is right that the Internet can’t seem to agree on a definition for the word. Some interpret “queerbaiting” as just about any subtext; others say that it has to include some sort of “no homo” joke, a clear acknowledgement that, despite the obvious chemistry, it’s never going to happen and the characters are straight. In Emerson College’s online Isis Magazine, Rebekah Bailey gives an example of the latter in action in BBC’s Sherlock:

Queer-baiting, for those who do not know, is the practice of television shows and movies putting in a little gay subtext, stirring up interest with queer fans, and then pulling a NO HOMO, MAN on the viewers. If you’ve watched Sherlock, this is a major “subplot” of the first episode, and it continues as a running joke throughout the series. John and Sherlock are mistaken as a gay couple, one of them (usually John) goes, “no way, of course not, we’re not even gay,” and it’s played off as a joke. The mere speculation that a character could be gay is played for laughs, and if you don’t see something wrong there, then there’s something wrong.

Indeed, the idea behind “no homo” is both that homosexuality is little more than a gag, and also that it’s deviant and wrong some way – “of course we’re not gay, how could you even think that” is the underlying assumption behind the joke.

As for examples with women, “queerbaiting” for lesbians tends to run in different directions – mostly, in terms of actually giving the characters some physical girl-on-girl action, but making sure it never turns into anything long-term or meaningful or contradicts the characters’ previous heterosexuality. In other words, the Sweeps Week Lesbian Kiss. We’ve seen this in so many places – teased with a lesbian kiss only to have the character go back to being 100% straight next week, or for it to be a dream sequence or some other weird context that makes it meaningless – that it would take forever to list. But there are still shows with women that follow the Sherlock model for queerbaiting; the most prominent these days is probably Rizzoli & Isles. That show’s actors recently admitted that at least some of that unresolved chemistry between the title characters was a deliberate play to their lesbian viewers:

[Angie] Harmon admits they do play up the tension sometimes. A poster for the new season features the women languidly stretched out together on a picnic blanket, for example. ‘Sometimes we’ll do a take for that demo,’ Harmon admits. “I’ll brush by [Maura’s] blouse or maybe linger for a moment. As long as we’re not being accused of being homophobic, which is not in any way true and completely infuriating, I’m OK with it.”

via Buzzfeed

When it’s that deliberate as in the cases of Sherlock or Rizzoli & Isles, there is a distinct feeling that the creators are playing with LGBTQ – and invested-in-LGBTQ-relationships (since the core of the “Johnlock” fanbase is slash-fanfiction-writing straight women) – dollars, but don’t care enough about us that they’d risk actually offending homophobes with explicit queer representation. Actors or writers may insist it’s not homophobic, but there is a distinct feeling that we’re being taken advantage of, that we’re second-class fans who they don’t care if they do a disservice to so as long as we still watch. It’s similar to the feeling a lot of queer women have about Glee – but Glee does at least have several canonical queer characters, and the writers listened when fans wanted Brittany and Santana’s relationship to become more than subtext. (And hopefully that’s the last time I’ll be forced to defend Glee‘s treatment of its queer female characters.)

Yet, expanding the “queerbaiting” debate to include subtext in general makes it a bit troubling. First of all, there’s the question of just how “overt” is overt. Maybe those two same-gender characters’ eyes lingered on each other for a little longer than was necessary, but was that necessarily intended by the show creators, or is it just being interpreted that way by shippers in the fanbase? Fan interpretations are, of course, perfectly legitimate, but intention should be considered if one is going to accuse the show creators of homophobia for including subtext. Some fans, for better or for worse, do see subtext wherever they go.

It’s also important to understand subtext in the context of its past. Historically, gay or lesbian subtext has been seen as a positive for the LGBTQ community – a way to get around rigid censors or unfriendly audiences. A way to throw us a bone when we normally wouldn’t have anything, to acknowledge that we’re there in the audience when the powers that be would prefer to ignore us. A lot of older generations of LGBTQ people have fond memories of classic films with wink-wink-nudge-nudge bits of potential queerness designed to fly under the radar of the Hays Code. (For more on this, check out The Celluloid Closet.) And even after it ended, both the new MPAA rating system and worries about audience reactions meant that filmmakers had to still be cautious. TV was no better; if it took until the late 1960s to get the first scripted interracial kiss on mainstream US television, is it any surprise that homosexuality was so hard to find there until the past decade?

As such, those using the broader definition of “queerbaiting” to dismiss any and all overt subtext should at least consider the concept’s progressive history; too often, the conversations in fan spaces about this seem to be ignoring this context when it comes to older works. As one Tumblr user put it: “The original Star Trek series didn’t queerbait. At the time, nobody knew that there was an audience for male/male romance stories, so any romantic tension between Kirk and Spock was accidental. But my God, there was loads of it.” However, the writers of today’s television shows may be too caught up in this history. Because, with the exception of certain genres, like children’s shows, the times where subtext is far as one could go are long past. The point is about expectation; if we are expecting nothing, the occasional nod our way is a pleasant surprise. But when we’re given reason to hope for real representation, having it never go beyond hints – hints that not every viewer is going to pick up on – is mostly just infuriating.

Great Moments in Subtext History: Some Like It Hot (1959) – image via girls-can-play.blogspot.com

And increasingly, the TV landscape is moving toward the latter set of expectations. From Glee to Skins to Pretty Little Liars, same-sex couples are now found all over television. And there’s more than a little proof out there that media representation of LGBTQ characters and their relationships helps move forward public opinion on LGBTQ political equality. So there is a feeling that TV writers who want to keep our representation on the down-low – enough that we see it, and maybe some straight people also looking for it see it, but nobody else does – are wimping out, and are refusing to engage in an important national conversation.

And does LGBTQ representation even need to be about a national conversation? Is it too much to ask that we simply have our romantic and sexual lives treated like anyone else’s, as worthy of epic fictional romances as heterosexuals’ are?

And that comes to the real issue with queerbaiting. Indeed, it may not be homophobia per se – which, besides being a (necessarily) loaded term, implies fear or malice toward homosexuality. What it is is heterosexism, the unchecked assumption that heterosexuality is the norm and anything else is the Other. It’s this attitude that, for example, causes romance advice columns like the ones I’d read in magazines as a frustrated teenager to assume everyone is interested in the opposite sex – not out of hate for gay people, but out of a refusal to check their own privilege or acknowledge the experiences of those who are different from them. Likewise, the problem here is the idea that heterosexual romance is for a general audience, but having a same-sex romance is either specifically for a gay audience or for making a soapbox statement about homophobia.

Subtext in general is unlikely to ever be a lost art. After all, even heterosexual subtext is a thing; sometimes writers don’t want any romance to be explicit, but want to focus on other things or leave the fans to draw their own conclusions. Or sometimes the reason for leaving a particular coupling at the subtextual level while others get clear acknowledgement has little to do with the genders involved. But there’s a clear double standard for a lot of these shows: as Baker writes, “Many times, the shows that have the most queerbaiting also have few to no actual queer characters. Sherlock, for example, has one lesbian character (Irene Adler), but she gets “fixed” because she falls for Sherlock.”

When we’re only getting crumbs while heterosexual characters run the full gamut of romantic storylines, viewers should definitely hold writers accountable and ask why this is the case – “no homo” jokes or not.

VIDEO: “Little Horribles” Episode 3: Date

In this episode of Little Horribles, Amy goes on a date with someone terribly uninterested in all of the words coming out of her mouth. Catch up on episodes one and two then check this one out. They release new content every Wednesday!

Written and created by Amy York Rubin, Little Horribles is a darkly comedic web series following the poor decisions of a self-indulgent lesbian. The series chronicles all those things that really aren’t that big of a deal and follows Amy as she navigates her thirties in Los Angeles. Hailed as the “Lesbian Girls” (by some lesbians in Silverlake) the show rips apart and laughs in the face of those painfully uncomfortable moments that no one wants to remember, but everyone does.

Those Shady Gays: A Reflection on Mad Men, Downton Abbey and Revenge

Everyone is transfixed by the character of Bob Benson. We always knew his actions were not genuine. Who smiles that often? Who always buys two cups of coffee, simply to be generous? Who is always “on” like that? When Pete Campbell came in to Bob’s office and ordered him to stop smiling, and Bob finally dropped his smile, quickly, like turning off a light switch, it was a pretty delicious moment. We all wanted Bob Benson to be hiding something other than his homosexuality. But this representation of homosexuals as deceptive, not only about their homosexuality, but other details of their lives, maybe because of their sexual preference, is not new. It’s actually a trope we see often.

via Huffington Post

Let’s look at the character of Thomas on Downton Abbey. The character is dark and complicated. He isn’t supposed to be a source of amusement for the viewers, as some representations of gay men on television often are. He is a fully realized human being with flaws who happens to be gay. At least it would seem that way, until you realize that he also fits the classic stereotype of homosexuals as untrustworthy. Even his closest friends and conspirators can’t rely on him to keep his word. His nefarious actions are not portrayed as separate from his sexuality.

via Today

The actor who plays, him, James Collier, said part of his character flaws are tied back to his being part of an oppressed group. In an interview for Salon, he said, “He’s an outsider…It was really last year, I was thinking, ‘Well, why is he so angry?’ Everyone’s got a reason. And we don’t have back stories, we have to make our own up, and I think his is rooted in his sexuality.” It’s easy to say that Thomas is simply a bad guy because the world has abused him, and to a certain extent, it’s fair to say that being an outsider makes you a tad anti-social, but not necessarily downright cruel, which Thomas is. I hoped that Thomas could simply be a bastard because he is ruthless, opportunistic and cunning, not because he is gay.

When I first saw the Revenge character, Regina, Charlotte Grayson’s hard-partying friend, I wondered why she was so determined to befriend Charlotte. She was controlling of Charlotte’s time and tried to prevent her from speaking with her brother for even a few minutes. I thought she was part of the Initiative. I thought she may have been paid by some gossip rag that was determined to see Charlotte become the headline producing train wreck she was before.

via PinkIsTheNewBlog

I was surprised but disappointed by the real reason Regina was so interested in Charlotte: she was attracted to her. On one hand, it seemed positive that Revenge added a queer character in addition to bisexual Nolan Ross. On the other hand, the choice seemed lazy. On a show that prides itself on twists and turns, it seemed too straightforward. It was also yet another iteration of the nefarious and untrustworthy homosexual. The show’s rich representation of bisexual men through Nolan Ross almost excused this choice, but not entirely. She also has something in common with Bob Benson and Thomas in that they desperately pursue people they know to be (probably) straight.

Underneath the manipulation there is a desperation to be loved, which makes them out to be submissive individuals with low self-esteem. The straight characters react in disgust to their desperation. It is a bit of an insult to queer people, not to mention slightly homophobic, to suggest they are all attracted to straight people and will do anything to “turn” them. Isn’t it a little backwards to assume that these individuals don’t have enough confidence in themselves, not to mention self -­-awareness, to seek out queer partners? Thomas certainly has high barriers to meeting gay men, but Bob has an inner circle of gay friends and Regina lives in the greater New York City area in 2013.

The deceptive queer character has been around for a long time. There is no better example than The Great Gatsby’s Jordan Baker. F. Scott Fitzgerald takes every opportunity to present her as the fraud that she is:

“Jordan Baker instinctively avoided clever, shrewd men…because she felt safer on a plane where any divergence from a code would be thought impossible. She was incurably dishonest. She wasn’t able to endure being at a disadvantage, and given this unwillingness, I suppose she began dealing in subterfuges when she was very young in order to keep that cool insolent smile turned to the world and yet satisfy the demands of her hard, jaunty body.”

via IMDB and IMDB

As the paper, “Jordan Baker, Gender Dissent and Homosexual Passing in The Great Gatsby” by Maggie Gordon Froehlich points out, Jordan Baker lies about everything because she is a closet homosexual. We know she is a lesbian because Fitzgerald uses all of the appropriate code words: jaunty, hard, muscular. We also know that she lied to Nick Carraway about leaving the top down in a borrowed car, for no discernible reason besides the fact that she is secretly queer and therefore lies about everything from the car to her first golf tournament.

It is important to note that our culture has carried these attitudes from 1920s literature to television shows made in 2013. For some reason it is hard for our culture to accept that closeted gay people could lie about their sexuality and tell the truth about other details in their professional lives or friendships. This conforms to suspicions straight people have always had of homosexuals, whether they are out of the closet or not. There is disbelief that someone could enjoy or prefer a sexual activity other than the widely accepted norm. That reluctance to understand breeds mistrust. That mistrust manifests itself in characters like these, whose homosexuality and deceptive nature are inextricably linked.

Pretty Little Liars Recap 402: Turn Of The U-Haul

Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only show that gets a participation award just for showing up!

We last left out favorite Liars at Detective Wilden’s funeral where their attendance was both pointless and fabulous. We join the Liars a few days later at The Life Cafe. Hanna’s hair has magically grown long and no one knows where her mother is. Nothing like a missing mother to freak out a gaggle of girls.

IT’S CALLED A-CAMP, EMILY, AND I THINK IT COULD BE REALLY FUN FOR YOU. THAT’S WHY WE ALL PITCHED IN TO BUY YOU THIS PLANE TICKET!

No, but seriously, we have to talk about Hanna’s hair. I can not move on until we do. This is how it looked at the begining of the last episode:
And this is how it looked at the end of that episode:
And this is how it looked at the beginning of this episode:

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE.

Why on earth should Hanna have grown her hair out so fast? Do we think this is the patriarchy responding to everyone calling her a lesbian for her Obvious Lesbian Tendencies. Is Hanna one of those magical hair growing Barbies from the 90s? Do you guys remember those? I had one until I cut all her hair off just like I did with my other Barbies. Probably my parents should have seen this dyke thing coming.

THIS MOZZARELLA STICK IS THE SYMBOL OF THE PATRIARCHY. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT FOR US?! THE PATRIARCHY?

Regardless, Spencer has taken up food sculpture in order to recreate the architecture of the lodge the night of the fire. No, seriously. I couldn’t make this shit up.

AND I’M RECREATING THE GEOGRAPHY OF THIS COFFEE SHOP TO SEE IF I COULD JUMP OUT THE WINDOW AND LAND INSIDE A HOT GIRLS VAGINA.

The Liars debate whether or not Alison is back from the grave and who really has ownership of the mozzarella sticks. Again, I couldn’t make this shit up.

GIVE ME THE CHEESE OR THE DYKE GETS IT.

Mona drops by and is wicked pissed that she’s still not invited to join the Baby-Sitters Club. Not even as a junior member! She decides to take them to the RV again and let them look through the whole thing on their own. Yes, even her collection of vintage erotica magazines from the 70s.

THE FIRST STEP IN POSING FOR THAT 1970S EROTICA IS MAKING THIS FACE.

The Liars roll up to where Mona parked her RV and, surprise surprise, it’s gone. Looks like TobAy went through with his game plan from last episode and stole the RV for Red Coat (or whoever) in order to get the dirt on his mother. What a fucking dickface.

WHO THE FUCK STOLE MY HITACHI MAGIC WAND?!?

The Liars are unimpressed with the situation and try to bail. When Mona begrudgingly gets in her car, she is suddenly strangled by Alison Mask! You’d think after all these years of fucking with the Liars in their cars Mona would have learned to check the back seat before getting in. Come on, silly!

HOW DID I LEAVE THAT FAST FOOD BAG IN THE BACKSEAT OF MY CAR FOR A WHOLE WEEK. I SO NEED TO GET THIS THING DETAILED.

Also the stills from Mona’s choke out scene make me really uncomfortable because Janell Parrish looks more like she’s moaning than choking. Ugh, Hollywood.

AMERICA? AMERICA.

I wasn’t sure if that was okay for me to point out, so I emailed the team about it. They said it was ok.

Mona tries to escape from the Alison Mask, causing Aria and Emily to run over to scope the commotion. Mona flys out of the car onto the ground and, as Aria and Emily help her up, Alison Mask whirls the car around and tries to run them the fuck over. What the hell is up with A running people over with cars? That’s not just a thing you can do!

DILDO ON A FLYING TRAPEZE COMING TOWARDS EMILY’S MOUTH.

Mona, Aria and Emily hop out of the way and fall to the ground, but not before Emily hits her shoulder. Hard. There goes her theoretical swim scholarship to Stanford!

The next morning Hanna comes downstairs dressed head to toe in the color I just painted my bedroom! We’re kindred spirits meant to be together. This is real life.

THIS NEW MASTURBATION APP ISN’T VERY USER FRIENDLY… I MEAN, WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO STICK IT?

Great news though, Ashley is finally home! Ashley is evasive and awkward and probably really did kill Wilden. She’s not exactly obeying laws these days. I’m okay with that though, because I also sided with the six merry murderesses of Cook County Jail because there is something seriously wrong with me. Or maybe Ashley is just back to nailing Hanna’s father. I could do that again. That was a nice trope while it lasted!

DON’T BE RIDICULOUS HANNA. EVERYONE KNOWS THE BEST PART OF WAKING UP IS FOLGERS IN YOUR CUP. I DON’T WANT TO HAVE THIS DISCUSSION AGAIN.

Hanna tries to come to her mother’s boosom and get her mom to open up. Wilden is dead! How should she feel? What should they do? Are they safe? Is she a suspect? Ashley has only the kindest and most loving motherly advice:

THE TITLE OF CHAPTER 6 OF MY SECOND MEMOIR ENTITLED “POST-IT NOTES FROM MY MOTHER”

Oh and Hanna gives her mom back her cell phone. No one is honest about what happened to it.

NOW NO MORE TALK OF THIS NESPRESSO, OKAY?

Over at the Hastings, Spencer gets a skinny envelope from UPenn. This is not going to be good.

THE SKINNY ENVELOPE HAUNTS MY DREAMS.

She gets rejected.

THIS IS SO TRAGIC I CAN’T EVEN MAKE JOKES ABOUT IT. NO MORE JOKES!

I feel her. I got rejected from my top 7 undergrad college choices all in the same night. It was heartbreaking. But then I loved Brandeis and I’m sure Spencer will love Hollis when she (and the rest of the Liars) all inevitably end up there. Still, when you’re 18 and you think you’re only worth what you can perform academically, being rejected from your dream school feels like being told straight to your face that you’re a dumb piece of shit who will never amount to anything or ever get into med school.

Also, how do we know A isn’t just tricking Spencer by stealing her acceptance letter and mailing her a fake rejection letter! That’s totally right up A’s alley! A is such an ass.

OH MY GOD LIZZ YOU’RE RIGHT! YOU’RE SO INSIGHTFUL AND PERFECT. LET’S GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW BUT FIRST LETS PICK UP SOME OF THAT VEGETARIAN BREAKFAST SAUSAGE YOU LIKE SO MUCH.

Elsewhere, Aria and Hanna dish over the whole Emily’s injury and Ashley’s cell phone situation thingy. The punchline here is that Emily is hurt real bad, Ashley is hiding something and everyone still hates Mona.

…’S VAGINA?

The girls wonder who stole the RV and when Hanna wonders aloud if it was Shana, it turns out she’s right behind her! It’s so convenient that there are only three streets in this town.

WHO NEEDS WIFI WHEN YOU CAN STUDY THESE NEW FANGLED THINGS CALLED “BOOKS?”

Hanna does that thing where she marches right up to the A Suspect Of The Week and asks her point blank what the fuck is going on. It’s my favorite thing.

SHE’S LESS OF A GAL PAL AND MORE OF A FINGER BLINGER

Hanna’s all like, “Listen bitch I know you knew Wilden and that you and Jenna are lady BFFs who dragged his ass out of the road. How the fuck do you like me now?!” It was good.

OH YOU LIKE THIS LIPGLOSS? WELL FUCK YOU I’M NOT TELLING YOU WHERE IT’S FROM.

At school Paige has a fresh new plaid shirt and a computer to boot! She should be interning for this website I know of called Autostraddle.com.

THIS ARTICLE IS TITLED “LISTING WITHOUT COMMENTARY: IMAGES THAT SHOW UP WHEN YOU GOOGLE ‘DYKES DOING IT.'”

She’s using what I am 99.99% sure is Sims 3 to virtually make a Stanford dorm room for her and Emily!

THE SIMS THEMSELVES ARE IN THE SECRET SEX ROOM SHE MADE IN A DIFFERENT PART OF THE HOUSE.

One time I came home and my two friends who are dating had spent the whole day playing Sims and making themselves and their dream home. I didn’t judge them until I saw that they’d made their last name “Lurv.” As in “love” said like you’re a fucking idiot. They were fantasy U-Hauling, which is almost as bad as actually U-Hauling. Almost. What I’m trying to say is that I am judging the shit out of Paige right now.

I JUST FOUND OUT THAT GREY GARDENS WAS MADE INTO A BROADWAY MUSICAL AND I’M HAVING TROUBLE MOVING PAST THAT.

Emily identifies Paige as a crazy U-Hauler, but also doesn’t really care. I feel like Pretty Little Liars hired actual lesbians to consult on the writing of this scene. Like, someone on the inside deserves a high five.

YOU HAVE TO TEASE THE CLIT OUT SLOWLY.

Like I said, Paige is in fantasy U-Haul Land and Emily hasn’t even talked to the swim coach yet. Still, besides the obvious plot hole that you can’t paint a dorm room, it’s cute and adorable. I love my teenage TV lezzies.

AMERICA? AMERICA!

Paige: Be honest, what would you change?
Emily: Well I would push the beds closer together so we can scissor and not be a married couple from Nick at Night.

Paige reaches over to sly grab Emily’s boob and touches her shoulder. Emily writhes in pain because the electricity is just too hot between them. You know, and because she hurt the shit out of it and now she will never be a teen model or get into med school.

THE PATRIARCHY! IT JUST HURTS SO MUCH!

Paige is concerned about this.

IS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY TOBY IS STILL ON THIS SHOW.

Back at the Hastings’ Spencer is still sort of losing her shit. She throws on her favorite horse sweater. Maybe a little sexy schoolgirl librarian chic will help her to feel better. Maybe it’s this baseline level of freaked out that allows her to finally recognize that TobAy is acting like a fucking sketchball again. He’s a bad dude!

SAY MY NAME SAY MY NAME. IF NO ONE IS AROUND YOU SAY BABY I LOVE YOU IF YOU AIN’T RUNNING GAMES.

Anyways hopefully TobAy and his stupid caveman face is gone for good.

IF THEY EVER MAKE MASKS OF THIS FACE I’M OUT. I’M FUCKING OUT.

In school, Spencer, Aria, Emily and Hanna watch as Mona panics and Ezra does that thing where he only teaches the very end of a class. Class ends and everyone but Spencer heads out to lunch. Even Mona, who acts like she was invited. It was a good moment.

PRICELESS.

Ezra asks Spencer if everything is okay and though at first she says yes, she admits to him a minute later that she didn’t get in to UPenn.

I’VE NEVER BEEN QUITE CLEAR ON EXACTLY HOW MANY COLLEGE WERE IN THE US. IS IT FIVE? SEEMS LIKE FIVE.

I’LL HAVE TO GO WITH MY BACKUP PLAN: MODELING FOR PANTENE PRO V COMMERCIALS

I sort of loved it because we get to see Ezra’s attempts at being a person/teacher. He’s pretty okay at it! I appreciate that he seems to get that students like Spencer don’t need someone to tell them they were being unrealistic or that they should have thought ahead. They don’t even need someone to completely just pity them. Ezra tells Spencer they’ll work on her essay over the weekend. It’s really sort of sweet.

RE: PANTENE NOW THAT SPENCER HAS DECIDED TO APPLY TO OTHER COLLEGES

We also get to see vulnerable Spencer crying over something other than boys. I wish Taylor Swift would write a song about this. You know, if she wrote music about women’s intellect.

UPENN WAS ROMEO/ I HAD RECOMMENDATION LETTERS/ AND MY DADDY SAID STAY AWAY FROM JULIARD/ UPENN WAS EVERYTHING TO ME/ I WAS REALLY WANTING TO GOOOOO

In Cell Phone Land, Hanna and Emily chat about Emily’s shoulder and Paige. FYI the shoulder is still bad and Paige still doesn’t know anything. I get that the Liars aren’t sitting in my living room watching this show and thus they need to be caught up, but I wish they would do it off camera because all of the self-recapping is getting a bit repetitive.

SHE’S RECAPPING US RECAPPING! IT’S JUST SO META!

While on the phone Emily and Hanna each make a discovery. Hanna finds her mother’s fancy pants high heels under the sink covered in mud.

THE BIGGEST TRAGEDY OF THIS SHOW. BE STILL MY FEMME HEART.

Emily finds some painkillers in the bathroom. Ughhh. This is not going to end welllll. Didn’t we already do the Emily gets busted for drugs plot? Didn’t that already happen?

VIAGRA.

Starsweep to the Rosewood dojo where Aria is hunting down Holden. Remember him? Aria’s fake boyfriend who we thought was gay but then he was just into street fighting or something? Aria’s looking to take some self-defense classes, and fast. Smart cookie. Holden’s not in, but some other guy who teaches classe is. In my professional lesbian opinion, he’s tall, conventionally all-American good looking and age inappropriate. He’s perfect for Aria. Unfortunately he doesn’t seem to have a name.

IS THAT A NUNCHUCK IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

Back in Hanna’s dreamland of candy and flowers, Ashley’s home and being all domestic. Hanna’s trying to write a book report, because she’s in 5th grade, but still takes the time to ask Ashley what the fuck is going on with her muddy high heels. Ashley’s still not speaking.

THE TITLE OF CHAPTER 10 OF MY MEMOIR ENTITLED “POST-IT NOTES FROM MY MOTHER”

The next day Hanna gets sucked into Stepford Wife Jessica’s Haunted House Of Gardening Doom. How is it that there is endless work to be done on this house? All Jason ever did was work on the house, too. You’d think it would be completely perfect by now. I mean, it’s not like it was abandoned. Also, and maybe this should have occurred to me last week, where the hell is Alison’s dad? I’m fairly certain her parents weren’t divorced last time I checked.

WHAT’S INSIDE THE HOUSE? OH JUST A BUNCH OF PLOT HOLES.

Hanna hears Ali off in the distance.

THE PRETTY LITTLE HUNGER GAMES STARING HANNISS MARDEEN

Hanna asks what that noise was and Jessica rolls her eyes. She takes Hanna to the porch and introduces her to Robot Alison! Yes, a fully functional cyborg-Alison, which has been stalking the Liars for months, praying on their deepest fears and most ashamed secrets. Just kidding, it’s a parrot that Alison spent a lot of time with. But probably a bird that will reveal at least one of Ali’s secrets.

I WISH I LIVED IN ROSEWOOD SO I COULD INSTAGRAM THIS PICTURE, THROW A SEPIA FILTER AND HASTAG THE SHIT OUT OF IT. #JAIL #THEBIRDS #AREYOUINORAMIOUT #SIDEBRAID

“The Fosters” Episode 103 Recap: Taking the Taco Truck to Gay Town

This week’s episode opens with a close-up shot of a stylish red timer and Brandon is using it to time The Fosters’ Annual Boggle Tournament! If only. He’s actually using it to time Marianna in the bathroom and, when the timer goes off, Marianna opens the door and looks very Lhasa Apso with a weird topknot/ side pony thing. She tells Brandon that girls take longer because that’s a stereotype worth perpetuating and then adds a few minutes to the timer. Brandon returns to his bedroom and Jesus is on his computer “nudging” Lexi on a Facebook knock-off that’s probably called FaceTome which is not be confused with FaceTime owned by Apple.

AKC Approved!

Marianna emerges from the bathroom with perfectly straight hair and I wonder what that weird knot pony was about and then remember that I am not fluent in feminine hair. Marianna and Callie are getting dressed for the day and we see a close-up of Marianna putting something in a drawer and Callie says, “I’m not going to steal your earrings. What am I gonna do? Sell them at school?” I love Callie and her sassy mouth. Callie then calls Marianna out about letting Jesus take the fall for the Skittle scandal and Marianna says, “I never asked him to do that,” and Callie says, “But you let him,” and then gives an adorable Shrug of Righteousness. We then see close-ups of wheat bread on a cutting board and we are left to contemplate the meaning. Is this a comment on the Sandwich Generation or a statement on breadwinners? Nope, just making lunches.

Digression 1: Steph is making cheese sandwiches with no condiments of any kind. Lesbian moms are cruel.

Marianna is all, “Cheese sandwiches? I want tuna tartare and a Pellegrino!” and Steph says they are “brown bagging it” and I hope they are saving money for mustard. Then, we hear Brandon yell about the fact that there is no hot water. Brandon has no hot water and has to share! This is worse than the Cheese Sandwich Crisis of One Minute Ago.

Cue the theme song and title sequence.

Digression 2: I was talking to one of my friends about the opening and she was hopeful the series might show some lady loving because the opening montage has a shot of a mom hand gripping sheets in passion. I did not remember that at all. Sponge? Yes. Passion hand? No. So I watched very carefully and replayed it several times and concluded that the mom hand is smoothing a quilted pillow sham.

Who needs sex when we have such smooth shams?

We then have a few quick scenes. Brandon complains to Talya about his lack of hot water and Talya is so turned on by his whining that she starts making out with him. Marianna and Lexi talk about Jesus’ detention for the drug thing and Lexi says, “It’s not like he pays attention in class anyway.” And I yell, “LEXI MIDDLE NAME AND LAST NAME!” Lena talks to an unnamed person who’s wearing a necklace that looks like it was made in a knot-tying class for toddlers. Is she the Invisible Principal? Is she a school board member? Is she the Ghost of Christmas Future? We don’t know. We just know that she’s not happy that Jude is behind in his schoolwork and jumped ahead on the waiting list. She tells Lena he’ll have to take a placement exam and get a 65 or leave, so, I guess she’s Scrooge. Callie is in class and The Teacher tells the kids that they’ll have to write about guilt in their journals because teenagers aren’t depressed enough in high school. They should write about otters instead because otters make people happy and teenagers deserve to be happy. Everyone drop and give me 1500 words on otters! Then, Jesus and Lexi frolic on the beach playing volleyball which has nothing to do with otters and is, therefore, disappointing.

It’s a sporty day in Fosterland because we go from volleyball to Brandon in a batting cage swinging at balls and Mike says “Use your legs” because Brandon is also riding a unicycle. He’s not but that would be entertaining. Mike is wearing a cute plaid shirt in a berry color with a black tank top underneath and it makes him look a little gay and that is enough for me to find him cute and cuddly. Then, he asks Brandon to live with him and I remember the time my cute and cuddly cat got outside and I watched as it killed and ate a baby rabbit. This scene is just like that but with less fur and screaming.

Meanwhile, back at the House of Cold Water and Dry Cheese Sandwiches, Lena helps Jude prepare for the placement exam and Steph is writing checks because it’s 1998 and she doesn’t know you can pay your bills online.

If I paid my bills online, you wouldn’t get to see me in my glasses.

Brandon comes in and is awkward and Lena sends Jude upstairs and Steph asks Brandon what’s going on and she looks so open and vulnerable that I want to give her a hug because she doesn’t know yet that her ex-cat is trying to eat her baby bunny. Brandon tells her that Mike asked him to live with him and Steph tells him it’s not his or his dad’s choice and puts her glasses back on and she is the perfect mix of nerdy, vulnerable and guarded in this scene and I want the writers to add a storyline in which Steph has an affair with a grey-haired lesbian mom recapper. Brandon mouths off, Steph digs in, Lena tells people to breathe and I break out in a sweat because I am not ready to parent teenagers. As Brandon rages, Steph says, “Right, B. Because you’re a prisoner who’s being held captive in this charming craftsman in Mission Bay.” Lena says, “Steph…” and Steph says, “What?” and I say, “They fight just like us!” Then Brandon says that he’s never had a choice about anything! He didn’t choose divorce and he didn’t choose to have two moms and two roads diverged in a yellow wood and Steph chose the one less traveled by! Steph says, “You need to watch yourself, young man,” because checkbooks make you speak like it’s 1958 and Brandon says, “Watch this!” and disappears in a puff of smoke! Nah, he leaves by the front door proving that kids of queers aren’t always magical.

Time passes and it’s very late and Steph watches TV and makes love to her mug of tea and Brandon finally comes home. They’ve both calmed down and she tells him that she talked to Lena and he can choose who he lives with and to let them know. Then she rubs his shoulder and tells him not to stay up late and she seems so broken when she walks away that I shed a few tears. Granted, I cry when I’m tired and I’d only had 3 hours of fitful sleep prior to watching but I could also sympathize with Steph. DON’T LEAVE ME MY, BABIES! Except when I want you to because I can’t even pee in private.

Mike and Steph are visiting the Tacos Y Burritos Del Rancho truck and Mike orders a breakfast burrito but Steph just gets black coffee because she prefers to eat tacos at home. Mike and Steph talk about the Brandon situation and she says, “You blindside me with something like this again and I’m gonna bury you deep in the desert,” and he says, “It sucks to be blindsided, don’t it?” and we all know where this is going – gay town. We find out that Steph realized she was gay while married to him but there is nothing that suggests she went out for tacos while married. She thinks Mike is doing this to get back at her and he says, “It’s not payback. It’s regret,” and you know what? I believe him. Because I’m a sucker.

Will you be dining in or eating out?

Back at Surf School, Brandon and Callie talk about him moving but we can’t linger because we need to watch Lexi sit on the empty beach staring at the ocean as she waits for Jesus. While Lexi stares, Jesus and Marianna run into each other in the hall and Marianna thanks him for taking the fall for her and tells him he’s the best brother and he takes that to mean that he shouldn’t nudge Lexi. So, next, we see him watching Lexi stare at the ocean when – suddenly – a surfboard washes ashore with a giant bite taken out of it and Lexi screams and Richard Dreyfuss appears and talks about bite radius! That happened in my head because I just saw JAWS. Jesus and Lexi take a walk on the beach and Jesus tells her that it’s not a good idea for them to nudge and then there is only one set of footprints, not because Jesus carried her but because he walked away.

Digression 3: I apologize for the Jesus jokes. It’s like I’ve developed a Jesus Joke Tic. I know it’s HAY-ZEUS but, when you type “Jesus” a million times in a recap, you can only read it as Jesus. Praise.

Back in Callie’s classroom, The Teacher mentions Joan Didion and I’m so surprised by the reference that I turn away from my hummus to pay attention! He says that writing is a hostile act and it takes courage and Callie takes the challenge and writes “Liam” in her journal.

That evening, Brandon is leaving for his weekly dinner with Mike and Steph is nervous and, after he leaves, Lena leans into her and Steph kisses her… on the cheekbone. You’d think a cop would have better aim. We then see Callie writing furiously in her journal and, when she is done we get a close-up of her putting it in with her other books and we know – someone is gong to read that journal.

You’d think a cop would have better aim

At Mike’s Man Cave, we get a close-up shot of baked potatoes and we know – someone is going to eat those baked potatoes.

Digression 4: On election day, I volunteered for Minnesotans United For All Families and was in charge of the snack table and someone brought over like 40 baked potatoes and I had to use an industrial church oven to warm them up and was terrified of burning the church down but that didn’t stop me from intagramming the hell out of all those potatoes.

Brandon starts setting the table as his lesbeaux moms taught him but Mike says they’ll eat in front of the TV because that’s how men do. They eat steak and potatoes and watch an action movie and I sigh and roll my eyes because I am an equal opportunity hater of stereotypes.

Digression 5: What the hell is going on with Mike’s couch?! Is that a pattern? Is it cowhide? Was it a white couch that molded? I think Steph and Lena need to do a couchervention.

Mold is the new black

While Brandon and Mike do manly things, Lena does womanly things like tutor and nurture her foster son. When Jude grows frustrated, she suggests game night and tells Jude to gather all the children and choose a game from ye olde game closet. I love it when queer folk are portrayed as superior because I’m selfish that way but the juxtaposition of The Man Couch and Lez Family Game Night is so extreme that it’s annoying.

I want them to play Spoons but they play Monopoly because nothings says “Fun!” like driving family members into poverty by price-gouging hotels!

Digression 6: We own Earthopoly which is like Monopoly but it’s all about protecting the environment and it is the most eco-feminist lesbian thing ever and I hate myself a little every time I say, “Hey kids! Are you going to buy more carbon credits for your rainforest?”

Talya shows up as Family Game Night is gearing up and Lena invites her to stay and I wish Lena would consult me before making these unilateral decisions. The family chats and Brandon comes in and says he is going to move in with his dad. Steph says, “Okay. Cool.” and excuses herself to get some tea and by “tea” I hope she means “vodka” because she’s worth it. Everyone else looks around awkwardly except for Talya who is smiling like a Cheshire Cat and I want to punch her in her Park Place.

Digression 7: My daughter was just 1/3 of the Cheshire Cat in her class’ reproduction of Alice in Wonderland. One third.

Brandon starts packing and Callie offers him his guitar back but he says it was for her. Jesus asks Brandon what he’s going to do in a house full of girls and Brandon tells him to stay out of trouble because we have not had enough references to Jesus being a troublemaker in 3 short episodes and Jesus tells Brandon that Marianna is the drug dealer. But there is breaking news from the Room of Girl Fights where Callie is accusing Marianna of reading her journal! Lena calls time out. Marianna says she didn’t do it and Callie says, “Why, because perfect Marianna would never do anything wrong? Yeah, maybe you should get to know your daughter a bit better.” Lena looks confused. Marianna looks hurt. Callie looks remorseful, especially because Jude is watching and looks at her like, “Don’t eff this up!” Callie leaves and Marianna says that she can’t live with her and Lena raises her voice and says, “Well you have to so figure it out,” and we finally agree on something!

Jude then confronts Callie and asks her to get along and she explains that Marianna read her journal and he’s like, “Who cares?” and Callie says that she wrote about Liam though, in my notes, “Liam” looks like “Ham” which is probably what I wrote about in my teenage diary. Then, there is a quick shot of Jesus getting on Marianna’ computer to nudge Lexi and he sees a chat between Marianna and Ana about meeting again.

The next day, at The Anchor Beach House of Surfers, Callie tears out all the pages of her journal and throws them away. Jude takes his test and Lena tells him she’ll correct it and let him know. Holy Conflict of Interest, Batman! Then, Lena cuddles Jude to reassure him and there is some nice acoustic guitar music that starts up so that we know it’s time to feel things. It turns out the song is “Cross that Line” by Joshua Radin which is beautiful here.

Digression 8: I am embarrassed to admit that I kinda like Joshua Radin ever since his big lesbian-adjacent moment of singing at Ellen and Portia’s wedding.

Lena grades Jude’s test as the song continues and, as the lyric “I’m gonna cross that line for you” comes, Lena takes out a pencil and corrects Jude’s answers so he gets a 65. Next in this montage of feelings, we see Jesus walk up to Lexi, spin her around and kiss her on the cheekbone. Ha! Just kidding! They kiss with lots of visible tongue because they are not lesbian moms!

Steph and Lena need pointers

Next, we find Lena folding clothes on the bed and Steph comes in and asks, “What’s that noise?” and Lena says that Brandon is shooting hoops because he feels guilty for leaving Steph. Steph gets all clenchy and Lena calls her on pouting and Steph says, “Nuh uh” and Lena drops a beautiful truth bomb: “Yes, you are. You have to step up. You have to go help your son. You have to put away whatever it is you might be feeling and be the better person because that’s what parents do.”

Digression 9: In all seriousness, this is the hardest part of parenting for me. No matter what happens, you have to be the bigger person and I hate that. You must own a stately mansion on the high road, and it requires so much maintenance.

This is what passes as hot bedroom action

Steph goes to shoot hoops with Brandon tells him, “Just do what makes you happy, B. Okay. You do that and I’ll be fine. I promise. That’s the way it works. You don’t have to take care of me or your dad or Lena. It’s the other way around.” Oh Steph… will you marry me and make piano babies with me?

From the Driveway of Tender Emotions, we head to the Room of Discontent where Marianna tells Callie she didn’t read her journal and says she understands why she doesn’t believe her and she knows what it’s like to move around and my bottom lip involuntarily juts out and I want to hug them both and talk to them about their hopes and dreams.

Brandon tells Mike that he can’t move in with him because his couch was a total deal breaker and Mike says, “You do what you gotta do. I’m gonna be alright.” and they hug and it’s sweet and I can’t hate Mike.

The final scene of the night takes place in the Charming Craftsman in Mission Bay where it’s movie night and everyone is there, including Talya. Jude says he’s working on a story and needs a name for the bad guy. Steph says, “Freddy!” Lena says, “Sanchez!” Talya says, “Liam!” and I say, “Talya!”

Overall impression: The parenting conversations between Steph and Lena seem spot on to me.

Favorite line: “Right, B. Because you’re a prisoner who’s being held captive in this charming craftsman in Mission Bay.”

Really? Did they have to do that?: All the gender stereotyping needs to stop.

This Is A “Skins Redux” Post: Lesbian Loins Are Burning Because These Girls Are On “Fire”

A long long time ago in a TV land far away, there was this amazing show called Skins, and it was queer and edgy and raw and dirty and sexy and everything you could ever want from a television program but never imagined you’d ever actually get. Then tragedy struck: first, Skins US happened. Then, Skins Season Six. Both of those televised situations sucked so bad that we wondered if we’d ever see the Skins we knew and loved again.

Then last fall, it was announced that there would be a final Skins Series 7, entitled Skins Redux, and that this series would bring back some of our most favorite Skins characters: Hannah Murray as Cassie, Jack O’Connell as Cook and Kaya Scodelario as Effy. (This idea replaced the original idea to have a Skins movie.) Most importantly for the homos, Skins Redux promised the return of Lily Loveless as Naomi and Kat Prescott as Emily. We were promised that Redux “will go into new territory; more adult, more uncompromising” and informed that “each story centres on the characters now in their early twenties, the party’s over and they’re starting out as young adults, struggling to find a direction and a focus in unforgiving times.”

Now it’s all really finally happening — Skins Redux premieres July 1st — and we’ve got the pictures and videos to prove it.

First, the teaser for the series:

Effy’s teaser:

Cassie’s teaser:

Skins Redux will tell three stories in two episodes per story, each focusing on one character: Pure (Cassie), Rise (Cook) and Fire (Effy). It’ll kick off with Fire, which just-so-happens to be the story featuring Naomi & Emily. Here are the episode synopses:

“Skins Pure” (by Bryan Elsley) Cassie (Hannah Murray), now aged 23, is adrift, alone and invisible in London, trying to make sense of her life. Slowly she realises that someone is following her. Cassie turns towards the unknown. A strange and poignant friendship is carved out of mutual loneliness, but can it survive exposure to the real world?

“Skins Rise” (by Jamie Brittain) Cook (Jack O’Connell), now aged 21, has a job delivering drugs to Manchester revellers. When he is asked to help his employer’s girlfriend find a house, he finds that he is irresistibly attracted to her which sets off a chain of events leading him into a world of savage revenge and a confrontation with his own violent past.

“Skins Fire” (by Jess Brittain) Effy (Kaya Scodelario), now aged 21, has a dead end job as a receptionist for a leading London Hedge Fund. But as she stumbles across crucial financial information relating to a troubled deal and embarks on an affair with her wealthy boss, she finds out that she has bitten off more than she can chew. Her flatmate Naomi (Lily Loveless) tries to stop Effy from ruining her life, but Effy cannot be reached; until tragedy strikes, Emily (Kathryn Prescott) will also return.

Hannah Murray, who currently plays Gilly in Game of Thrones, talked to Digital Spy about her return to Skins last week, revealing that Cassie’s been “drifting around” America since we last saw her and is now working in a café in London, unsure about “what she wants to do with her life yet.” Murray added, “She’s also been with a boy in America. I will leave it up to the audience to decide who that could be.” Murray suggested that the show would keep it “ambiguous,” which means we may never know if it was Sid or not, which does break my heart.

loves the new mal blum album

Thinking of things we may never know, many people fear that a new Skins could rob us of the happy ending Naomi & Emily got at Series 4’s conclusion. Kaya Scodelario told Digital Spy that her episodes, which show Effy and Naomi as roommates (rather than Naomi and Emily as roommates, as they were when we last saw them), will focus on Effy and Naomi’s friendship, “how it changes and the kind of struggles that they go through together… [it’s] about a lot of different things including friendship, love and redemption but ultimately it’s them finding themselves in the world.”

what do you mean there’s nothing vegan at this luncheon

In a favorable and spoiler-laden review of Series 7’s first episode, Cultbox has the following to say about Naomi’s fate:

It is also great to see Lily Loveless return as Naomi, although it is such a shame that the once feisty, passionate character has been reduced to a lay-about stoner. Neverthless, the new scattered Naomi is quite funny in her own way, despite a bizarre choice of career. Later scenes reveal more to suggest that Naomi has simply lost her way, and a shocking twist indicates a much bigger role for Loveless in the second part.

and that girl over there, she broke my heart and then my water bong!

The “shocking twist” mentioned by Cultbox is most definitely the “tragedy strikes” mentioned in the aforementioned episode summary, which likely has something to do with this freshly-released still from Skins Fire, showing Effy in a hospital hallway:

ugh how long do i have to wait to get the results of my yeast infection culture

So, are Naomi and Emily still a thing? Well, according to some humans who happened to catch a G3 Magazine behind-the-scenes-of-a-photoshoot video today before the video mysteriously went private, Emily and Naomi are indeed still together at the start of Skins: Fire. The episode summary also suggests that Emily returns to London after “tragedy strikes.”

waiting for godot and/or a threesome

Lily Loveless and Kathryn Prescott recently did a photo shoot and interview for Fiasco Magazine, which produced some lovely photographs and provided a few scraps of news. From Kathryn Prescott’s interview:

Was there much to identify with your grown up character?
Well, my character is just guesting because she’s gone off to New York to do a photography internship, which I can relate to cos I do photography myself. When we last saw her she was in college but now she’s come into her own a bit.

Was it fun to film?
When I was filming – it was a different city, different crew and it was on location – so I was going, this feels very weird. It doesn’t feel like the same show, which is what they were going for. I quite like it cos Skins is about being in the present and being a young adult, and the good thing about these mini-films is that they show that there are consequences. Even when you’re 16 that has a knock on effect about how you live your life in your 20s. And some people can change the way they live and others stick to the same patterns.

Photographer: Edward T. Cooke (edwardcooke.co.uk) via fiasco plus

From Lily Loveless’s interview:

How was it revisiting the character of Naomi?
I’d completely forgotten who she was and what it was like to play her, and I said to the writer, do you think I should watch the old series back and he sai,d ‘don’t watch it just play it’. The character had changed and he didn’t want us to play it how we had back then because we’re a lot older. The first day was really hard, I didn’t know what I was doing!

Did it come flooding back?
Yeah, it was a weird sensation. I played her for 2 years, so once I got back into it it was surreal.

Photographer: Edward T. Cooke (edwardcooke.co.uk) via fiasco plus

It seems pretty clear to me that Emily is gonna come back from her “photography internship,” which is probably code for “a wild affair with Frankie Alan,” and immediately enter into an erotic triad with Effy and Naomi. A girl can dream.

While I dream softly to myself, here are some videos relevant to your interests:

Lily Loveless’ Top Five Skins Moments:

Kaya, Kat & Lily Discuss New Skins:

Behind-the-Scenes with Kaya Scodelario & Jack O’Connell

So, on a scale of 1 to 10, how excited are you for more Skins?

Pretty Little Liars 401: A is for A-L-I-V-E, B is for B-U-T-C-H

Welcome to the first episode of the fourth season of Pretty Little Liars, a spooky one hour drama/sometimes comedy about four hot girls with shiny hair, the hottest and shiniest of whom is a raging lesbotron, who band together against an omnipresent evil girl who also is really hot and has shiny hair. No, really. That’s what this show is actually about.

IN WHICH HANNA AND EMILY TEACH US ALL HOW TO FIST

Just in case you no longer have any idea where the Liars stand with their various hook-ups, dates and general smoochy shenanigans, Intern Grace has made you this amazing infographic a la The Chart.

spit chain

We open on Rosewood a dark and storming evening exactly where we left off. As you may remember, the girls had just received a text message informing them tha– Shit. You know what? You should probably just reread the season finale recap to refresh your memory because that shit was complicated. The punchline is the Liars were just opening the trunk of Wilden’s car, fresh from the bottom of Rosewood Town Lake and Crime Cover-Up Emporium. They all had gasped and the season ended.

ONE FOREHEAD TO RULE THEM ALL

So what is in that trunk? Is it, finally, TobAy’s dead body? Is it’s Alison? Alison’s twin? Maya? Maya’s twin? Is it a cohesive longterm lesbian plot line? Nope! It’s none of those things.

It’s a pig.

AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WENT “WHO THE FUCK IS A?!”

While A definitely has a thing for pigs, this was a real cop-out if you ask me. DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?!

IS NOW A VEGAN. IF SHE WASN’T ALREADY.

While the Liars stare at the dead pig, MonA pops into action hacker style. Remember how that laptop in Wilden’s car had video of Hanna’s mom running over Wilden looping continuously like a Vine? Well MonA knows how to do everything ever with computers and she takes the whole damn thing apart and pulls out the hard drive or something. Nice work MonA. Not that, like, a hammer wouldn’t have done the job or anything.

THIS IS THE CRASH PAD.

MonA tells Hanna she’s doing it to save Ashley which is nice except Ashley probably should go to jail at this point. She’s broken basically every federal and state law on the books. But she hasn’t murdered anyone and I guess that’s the only law that anyone in Rosewood cares about.

NOW KISS.

The Liars return home to paint their toe nails and cry alone on the dark. No wait, that’s what I’m doing. They’re watching the news and panicking. I mean I do that too but not at this very moment. MonA’s like, “Chill the fuck out everyone I’m A and I know the police don’t give a flying fuck about women.”

THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF ARIA’S “SNOOPING HAT.”

RE: OBAMA AND THE NSA

OR CRAPPING THE BEAT OUT OF YOU, WHICH FOR THE RECORD IS LESS PAINFUL BUT GENERALLY GROSSER.

NOW YOU’RE AN ARM WRESTLING CHAMPION!

Fortunately MonA finally start talking and we learn some shit! We actually learn some shit! Which leads me to my newest segment Shit We Learned This Episode in which I keep a running tally on all the things we’ve learned in each episode so that my brain doesn’t explode down through my cribriform plate and ooze out my nose.

Shit We Learned This Episode:
1. Mona put Wilden’s car in Hanna’s garage. (Not a metaphor for hetero sex, actual car, actual garage)
2. Shana knew Jenna from Before The Show because she wanted to fingerblast her
3. Cece visited Mona in Radley but MonA thought she was Ali because MonA was still cray
4. Lucas gave Emily the creep-o massage in Season One
5. TobAy has been on the A team since the hundredth time he left town whenever the fuck that was
6. MonA didn’t push Ian off the bell tower

#MONANNA

Exhausted from hours of nailing — I mean grilling — MonA the Liars awake the way they always do: fully clothed, sleeping tandem on couches with blanket magically strewn over them.

ARE YOU SURE THAT’S WHERE YOU WANT TO PUT YOUR FOOT?

The Liars think MonA has abandoned them but then TADA actually she just hit up Starbucks for some coffee and scones for the girlies. Nothing says “Sorry bitches” like scones. How did she get to Starbucks? Well like most lesbians, she has a set of Emily’s car keys. No, seriously. MonA hands everyone their regular drink orders and breakfast. Because obviously she knows how they take their coffee.

THAT’S RIGHT BITCHES, I BOUGHT COFFEE AND PREGNANCY TESTS FOR EVERYONE.

Shit We Learned This Episode:
7. Mona has keys to Emily’s car

At this point I just think this is hilarious. MonA is so effing nonchalant about the level to which she’s invaded the Liar’s lives. It’s like she can’t even register that this is weird anymore. Like when after three weeks your new girlfriend shows up with the fabric softener you like but never mentioned to her. You want to be flattered but it’s just too weird.

HOW DID YOU KNOW IT WAS SEVENTH GENERATION?!

Hanna wants The Chip aka the computer hard drive possessing the video of her mother recklessly committing a crime, but MonA won’t budge. Unlike the Liars she took eight college semesters of CompSci classes and is a motherfucking cyborg super genius. MonA’s going to use the hard drive to figure out who Red Coat is, end this plot line and the remainder of the show will just be Emily and Paige playing with each other’s hair. What the fuck could the Liars even do with this hard drive? Spencer could use it to back up her school folders, Hanna could bedazzle it and Emily… well… at this point Emily would probably just punch it and then run off to finger blast Paige on poorly lit window seat.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU TURNED DOWN A FREE RODEOH FROM BABELAND?! YOU COULD HAVE GIVEN THAT TO US!

The Liars agree the MonA’s probably in the best position to deal with the hard drive (although it would look pretty cute with rhinestones) but only if MonA takes them to the A-Mobile and shows them everything she has on them. Maybe we’ll get to see all the Liars’ dirty little secrets even we don’t know about! I hope we get to see what kind of porn Spencer watches!

IT’S WATERSPORTS.

The Liars hop in the car and zip downtown where traffic is super backed up. No, it’s not 5pm on I-95 between Providence and Boston, it’s Wilden’s dead fucking body!

IS EITHER A DIFFERENT ACTOR OR I SERIOUSLY CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHITE GUYS’ FACES.

Yup, Wilden is real real dead. We know it’s him because someone sucks balls and his job and let the sheet covering him fly off. Seriously whoever is in charge of dead bodies in Rosewood should get fired.

Shit We Learned This Episode:
8. Wilden is dead

FYI now the opening credits roll. We have a big episode ahead of us.

OH CRAP. THIS RECAP IS GOING TO TAKE FOREVER.

Starsweep across town where TobAy wakes up by the burned down building with a lighter in his hands. I hate his stupid face but I have to talk about this scene because TobAy sees a firefighter pick up a red coat.

POOPING IN THE WOODS.

THERE’S A 50% CHANCE RED COAT IS NAKED RIGHT NOW.

Starsweep back to the Liars where they picking through MonA’s A-Mobile.

IN WHICH ONLY ARIA TAKES THE TIME TO NOTICE THAT CREEPY FUCKING ALISON EYES WINDOW.

I love the A-Mobile because probably a filing cabinet full of documents would suffice but, of course, MonA has to have everything pasted on the walls like a creep. Plus the Liars get to have these horrified reactions while MonA just stands there like “What are you gonna do about it?” I feel like MonA is going to grow up, cut her hair and become a really hot butch lezzie top.

THIS IS GOING TO HURT A LITTLE BUT I’M DOING IT BECAUSE I KNOW YOU’RE GOING TO LIKE IT.
YOUR SAFE WORD IS “RED COAT.”

Oh and we learn more shit!

Shit We Learned This Episode:
9. MonA was the one posing as Caleb in the A-Train
10. The Queen of Hearts was Wilden and (possibly) Melissa who wanted to kill Garett before he spilled the beans
11. Wilden and Melissa were the ones who put Aria and Garret in the A-Train box

Of course, before we can find out anymore, someone hacks in and deletes all of MonA’s files. You would think this would be impossible without an internet connection. Actually I have no idea. I don’t really understand how the internet works.

FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS RECAP I’LL ASSUME THOSE ARE LESBIAN KISSES

Either way the Liars hear some ruckus outside the A-Mobile and peek out to see what’s up. There’s some little girl outside calling for Alison. Actually it’s five little girls. There’s a blonde one, a preppy one, a goth one, a nerdy one and one wearing a strap on and holding a gift card for Home Depot. Holy shit they’re Baby-Liars! Is this shit about to go sci-fi? Because I specifically requested to be informed if this shit goes sci-fi.

MY MOTHER ALWAYS TOLD ME THOSE “JUST LIKE ME” DOLLS WERE FUCKING CREEPY.

Actually, I knew that there were going to be some mini-Liars because the actresses couldn’t stop themselves from obsessively posting pics of their mini-mes.

TWO IS COMPANY, THREE IS A MARKETING SCHEME.

Regardless, the most important take-aways here are that I’m buying a leather jacket for any and all future children I might have/know and that mini-MonA style is seriously dapper butch. I’m telling you guys: future top.

The next day or something Hanna and Emily hang out in Emily’s room. Hanna finishes up a really lesbosexy phone sex session, we assume with Hanna’s fulltime lesbian lover Caleb. Caleb actually doesn’t appear in this episode possibly because he’s at Bonnaroo, but actually because he’s moving to the spin-off town of Ravenswood. Either way, Emily is shocked to discover that Hanna was actually SnapChatting with MonA who needs a lift back to the A-Mobile. Funny that a girl who’s so smart hasn’t figure out a way to scam herself a car yet.

NO YOU SEND ME A PICTURE FIRST AND THEN I’LL SEND YOU ONE BACK. BUSH FOR BUSH.

Either way, Emily isn’t convinced MonA isn’t still trying to fuck with them. I mean, maybe MonA’s doing it even though she knows she shouldn’t. Like how you know you shouldn’t keep sleeping with your ex but that doesn’t mean you actually stop. It just means you tell everyone you know that you’re going to stop and then keep doing it. It’s like that. I think.

OH YEAH. THERE’S THE SPOT.

Pam swings by because apparently she still lives in Rosewood. She needs help with her new charity project gift baskets for gift baskets in which you make gift baskets and donate them to other charities which make gift baskets for charity. It’s a whole thing.

EMILY THIS CRAZY GIFT BASKET CAME FOR YOU IN THE MAIL. DID YOU ORDER SOMETHING FROM A PLACE CALLED “BABELAND?”

Actually, this particular gift basket isn’t actually for the hilarious charity I just made up, but rather for Jessica DiLaurentis, Alison’s mom, who just moved back to the neighborhood. Um, someone needs to tell these people to get the fuck out of town before they all die.

IT’S GOT THE FUNNIEST STUFF IN IT. I DIDN’T REALIZE YOU NEEDED SO MANY BACK MASSAGERS OR CLOTHES PINS.

Starsweep to the burned down building where TobAy is still crouching in the rubble. He looks like Golem. I hate his face. I think he reminds me of every guy who ever dated a pretty, smart wonderful girl with hair that smelled like sunshine and treated her like shit.

POOPING IN THE RUBBLE.

TobAy and Spencer walk about the building looking for the red coat. Spencer postulates to TobAy that perhaps Ali really did save them. Maybe she’s perfect and alive and her hair also smells like sunshine. Maybe she and Spencer can finally go on that cross country road trip or ship off to college hand-in-hand or start that farm they were always talking about or do whatever it is that Ali promised Spencer they would do together. It just seems like that’s how Ali kept her friends on the hook. With the idea that there is some bright big beautiful tomorrow that she had planned for them. I say this because when Spencer suggests that Ali might really be alive she sounds so hopeful that I almost want to cry big ALIgator tears. (DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? I’m on a pun roll today). I think I forget some times that the whole premise of this show is that these girls have lost their best friend. Even if she was the fetching worst.

MAN I HAVEN’T FELT THIS GOOD SINCE MY LAST NIGHT WITH ALI.

TobAy kills that dream though, but reminding Spencer that Ali is really really totally dead. Then they think they hear something and rush out of the building.

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS: WHERE ONLY THE ANTLERS SURVIVE.

Back in cul de sac, Emily pops over to say hello to  Jessica DiLaurentis who has taken to dressing exactly like me.  She looks like she’s thrown ever last article of Chico’s clothing out of her closet and bought a fresh new wardrobe of Ann Taylor Loft attire. What I mean to say is, damn Jessica, you are looking good.

EMILY! I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE! I WANTED YOU TO BE THE FIRST TO SEE MY NEW LESBIAN TOMBOY CHIC LOOK!

Is this actually the same actress as before?

Inside, it becomes apparent that Jessica plans to put Alison’s bedroom back exactly the way it was before she died.

OH BY THE WAY EMILY, I’M GOING TO NEED YOU TO POSE FOR A FEW NUDE PHOTOS IN HERE. JUST FOR ACCURACY. DOES PAIGE OWN A BLONDE WIG?

Cellphone sweep (which is what I’m calling it now when the Liar we’re watching chats on the phone with another Liar and then we stay with Liar #2 after they hang up) to Hanna who’s finally arrived to the Middle of Nowhere where Mona is locking up the A-Mobile. It’s dark and creepy and if feels like Hanna will probably get hit in the head with a shovel at any minute.

IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW, THIS IS A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE OF HOW TO SHOW OFF YOUR ASS IN SPANDEX.

Instead, Hanna and Mona have a super lesbionic moment in which they’re both sort of happy/sad about how they used to be besties and now are spending time together again.

BUT I’M FULLY PREPARED TO CHANGE MY LAST NAME TO MARIN.

I wish they would just get over it already, proclaim their love, bone, UHaul and buy a cat together and name it Caleb #2.

I THINK THIS PICTURE SPEAKS FOR ITSELF.

Starsweep the the Life Cafe where Aria is pretending to read existential books basically just to look cool. Just then, Ezra walks in and orders a cappuccino. I assume also basically just to look cool. You might be tempted to think, “Oh wow their first run-in in months this is so awkward,” but remember that actually in Liar Time they broke up literally like three days ago. Why the two of them would both show up at a place where the other frequents is really just asking for it.

ONE ON THE OUTSIDE ONE ON THE INSIDE.

The two do the awkward post-breakup chat which is made more awkward when Ezra announces he will yet again be teaching at Rosewood. Seriously Pretty Little Liars, get some new material. Ezra tells Aria to see other people, because nothing says “I’ve moved on” like telling your ex to move on. Remember, it’s been like three days.

THE LAST SCENE OF ARIA’S SCHOOLGIRL PORN

“The Fosters” Episode 102 Recap: Little Lying Lhasa Apsos

The show opens in the Great Lesbian Kitchen, which is where most of the action seems to happen in this house. Not that kind of action, though that sturdy table could take it. Jesus rides his skateboard into the kitchen and Lena tells him he shouldn’t do that and I agree because that would be hell on the floor and then I wonder what type of flooring they have because I am easily distracted by flooring. This burning question goes unresolved.

Lena looks out the window and Steph the Cop Mom is sitting outside with Brandon the Piano Man. He says that he did a dumb thing “last night” which means this is the morning after the trips to and from Not Mexico and the House of the Shiny Gun and they all seem surprisingly chipper. He tells Steph, “It won’t happen again.” and she says, “You’re darn right…” and then says that she was about to drop the hammer on him and, with restraint unknown to most, I resist making the stereotypical lesbian and tools joke. It turns out that Lena feels he’s suffered enough and they aren’t going to ground him. I disagree with Lena but this show already has an abundance of moms so I let it go.

are you saying that you know with certainty who redcoat is? and you didn’t want to tell me until now?

Steph and Brandon enter the kitchen and Lena says, “Steph, your pancakes are burning.”

Digression 1: Were the pancakes waiting for Steph to return? Is Lena pancake-flipping impaired? Is Steph the Cop Mom also Steph the Pancake Mom?

Digression 2: Marianna complains that her hair makes her look like a Lhasa Apso but she doesn’t really look like one – no underbite. Also, my sister has Lhasa Apsos and one of them bit my son in the face and now I don’t like Lhasa Apsos and this is unintentional foreshadowing because it turns out I don’t like Marianna much in this episode either.

Steph serves pancakes and then Jesus runs over Steph with his skateboard and Steph says, “Have you taken your pill this morning?” He says, “Yes.” She says, “No.” and he says, “No.” This foray into ADD/ADHD and medication is clunky; however, I have this conversation with one of my kids often. Even when I’m saying it, I hate myself for it and, watching this scene play out, I hate it even more. Vikki the Recap Mom got a valuable reminder – sometimes kids are just kids and they do stupid things and we shouldn’t always follow their stupid things with that question and, Jesus! Stop skateboarding in the house!

Jesus takes the wheel. No, he doesn’t – he takes down the wicker basket to get his pills and I wonder what happened to the Burberry basket from last time and suspect that Lena sold it to buy more taupe clothing and bangles. We get a close-up of Jesus’ hand with his pills and the plot thickens.

As the opening scene fades, we get the first true show opening with music and credits. There are shots of homework, cluttered stairs, a sponge, arms, height marks on a wall, pancakes, sheet music, a rubber duck in a top hat and Steph and Lena’s hands in bed together. Just their hands. They could each be sitting on the floor on opposite sides of the bed. Who knows? I had three thoughts: 1) Why the hell is there a sponge? 2) We have that duck in a top hat! 3) I am a stupid sap because this opening gives me warm, fuzzy feelings and a craving for pancakes.

Then we have a series of quick scenes…A mean girl approaches Marianna and says, “Do you have any more…?” and I yell, “SKITTLES!” because even mean girls shouldn’t do drugs and also Skittles are delicious. Marianna says she can’t get anymore. Lena tells Steph she worries about her being a gun-toting cop and wishes that she pulled cats out of trees instead. Then, we see Talya (This is the weird but correct spelling because an obligatory iPhone product placement told me so) asking Brandon if his moms sent Callie back to juvey. Brandon says no and then they make-out because juvey talk is such a turn-on.

The next scene takes place in the Great Lesbian Kitchen with Bill, the foster care guy. He tells the lady lovers that Callie’s mom died when she was 10 and she and Jude have been in and out of foster homes since then. Lena asks if he is looking for a permanent placement for them and he says, “Always,” and then Steph clears her throat and looks out the window and sees a young boy in their tree. At first, I think they have a trespasser but then I realize Steph is looking through a magical window to the past.

Back at school, a teacher brings Lena a note and the only word we are supposed to notice is “PILLS” and Lena says, “Well, you know what that means?” and I say, “Medication” but she means “Locker searches.” As a security officer searches the lockers, Lena looks at Marianna like “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, my innocent cherub.” and Marianna looks back like, “I have nothing to hide and you look great in taupe and did you do something different and fabulous with your hair today?”

all i have in my locker are bird stickers i swear

In the next scene, Mike and Steph are driving around in a police car and Mike brings up the events of the previous night and Steph mentions that they decided not to ground Brandon because he is a good guy who plays a mean concerto and Mike says, “You’re kidding, right?” Steph is not kidding and says, “Lena thought…” and then Mike exhales dramatically and says, “Lena thought…” And I think of that Mr. Morton song from Schoolhouse Rock and think that Lena is the subject of the sentence and what the predicate says, she does. My happy song is interrupted when Mike goes on a tirade in which he refers to Lena as “hippy dippy” and makes light of her “PhD in Child Whatever the Hell It Is” but then Steph gives him a verbal lashing before challenging him to a duel at high noon. Or, you know, says nothing to defend Lena. Steph, Steph, Steph.

There is another series of rapid-fire scenes… Jude gets in a fight defending Marianna’s nice friend, Lexi. Callie checks in on Jude. Jesus is in Lena’s office for fighting and she asks him if he took his pill and he says, “Can’t I just have a bad day?” and Lena sighs and doesn’t call the psychiatrist and I probably wouldn’t have either because I, too, am hippy dippy. Marianna is waiting for Jesus outside of Lena’s office and he tells her that he didn’t take his pill to save her ass and this is such a tangled web, children! The moral of this story – as the moral of every story ever should be – is that you should never lie to your lesbian mothers. Then, Callie is in the music room drinking bottled water without any regard for the environment (which is how we know she’s only lived with lesbians for a few days). Brandon comes in and Callie plays a C chord on the guitar which is the key to her heart and she opens up to Brandon a little bit and he puts his hand on her thigh and Talya sees that through the window and we all know where this is heading.

play “if he tries anything” again, i beg of you

VIDEO: “Little Horribles” Episode 2: LMFAO

A couple of weeks ago, we told you about Little Horribles. Now, the second episode is here and ready to be seen by you and your friends and your exes and your mom when she sneaks into your room to see what you’ve been cackling about. This one features my comedy mistress, Ilana Glazer of Broad City (Chelsea Peretti is my comedy wife in case you were wondering).

Written and created by Amy York Rubin, Little Horribles is a darkly comedic web series following the poor decisions of a self-indulgent lesbian. The series chronicles all those things that really aren’t that big of a deal and follows Amy as she navigates her thirties in Los Angeles. Hailed as the “Lesbian Girls” (by some lesbians in Silverlake) the show rips apart and laughs in the face of those painfully uncomfortable moments that no one wants to remember, but everyone does.

To catch new episodes (which will be coming out on Wednesdays), subscribe to the Barnacle Studios Youtube Channel or just keep reading Autostraddle, duh.

“The Fosters” Episode 101 Recap: Fosters, I Barely Know Hers!

The Fosters opens with a shot of a prison and that’s how we know it’s going to be a lesbian show! Okay – it’s not really a prison but a juvenile detention center but as the show takes us inside to girls in jumpsuits it pretty much has the same feel. Then, there is mention of a confrontation in the showers and then punching and kicking happens. The punchee and kickee is Callie who is obviously one of the main characters because the camera focuses on her.

Where’s Peggy Peabody when you need her?

We then take a sharp thematic turn and visit a piano competition, where some teenager in a suit and sneakers plays piano while a blond cop watches from the audience. I might add that the piano thing is very poorly attended which while establishing two main characters also makes a deep and biting commentary on the state of the arts in this country. Not really – it’s just an audition. The cop’s phone rings and we know it’s Lena because the iPhone product placement tells us so but the cop doesn’t answer it because she has good cell phone manners and is a lover of the arts.

We travel back to the Prison for Wayward Girls where some guy named Bill tells Lena about Callie, “She’s been having a few issues with male authority figures of late.” and Lena says, “And that’s why you thought of us.” Because they are just two ladies, get it? Bill explains that Callie ended up in juvey after a property damage situation with her last foster family and Lena is all, “Ooooo…my wife will not be happy if I bring home a violent kid” and Bill is like, “She’s not really violent even though she just appeared before us with a split lip and a face full of bruises!” Lena and Callie make meaningful eye contact and Callie tears up and gives puppy eyes and no lesbo can resist puppy eyes so we know that Lena is bringing Callie home.

In the next scene, we meet the rest of the kids as they all bustle about getting ready for dinner. First we meet, Mariana and Jesus who have been with Lena and Stephanie for eight years.

Digression 1: I would like to talk about their kitchen for a moment. It is very tidy and I envy that but the more exciting reveal is that we have the same drinking glasses! Lesbian Moms love William-Sonoma Bistro Glasses!

How to Set a Big Lesbeaux Dinner Table

Anyway, Callie goes to the bathroom and Lena tells Mariana and Jesus that she is working on a meeting with their birth mom. She is very excited about this and they are not. We then enter the bathroom where Callie is crying into the mirror and there are lots of artsy shots of the water pouring into the sink. Usually, when you have that many shots of water in a white sink, there’s going to be blood but thankfully this is not a horror movie and the water shots are pointless.

Callie goes back into the kitchen and the Piano Man enters. Not Billy Joel – the one from earlier with the suit and sneakers (though Billy Joel may have worn that as well). Callie says, “How’d ya get him? 99 cent store? They have everything there.” And with that little statement, I decide I want Callie to come live with me in my untidy kitchen and drink from my bistro glasses. The Piano Man is actually named Brandon. Then Stephanie the Cop Mom comes in looking very coppy with her uniform and swagger and she says “Hi babies” and I melt a little bit because I say that to my kids all the time. Then, she and Lena kiss like real lesbian moms do —  briefly, because you always have an audience. Callie then says, “So you’re dykes.” Somehow she manages to say it without sounding completely judgmental so I’ll still allow her to use my bistro glasses.

we prefer the term “badass bitches,” but whatever

Then, she makes a comment about Brandon being the “real son” and that goes over less well than the dykes thing so no more bistro glasses and lesbian lasagna for you Callie!

Digression 2: Steph looks haggard and I like that because I look like that most of the time. People with children look haggard! Realism!

Lena explains to Steph who Callie is and then they go outside to have some quality lesbian processing time about Lena bringing home a kid. Eventually, Steph tells Lena she understands she has a big heart and Lena says, “Oh mushy. I’ll have to bring kids home more often.” And then I want Lena to come live with me too. Then, Steph says they are not the Brady Bunch but, when she says that, you know that’s exactly what we are supposed to think – “modern day Brady Bunch!”  just hope there isn’t a Jan because she was always the most irritating of the Brady children with Cindy running a close second.

Steph the Cop Mom lays down the rules for Callie who interrupts her and, not surprisingly, Steph is not a big fan. Callie then leaves to have a heart to heart with Lena but then Steph the Cop Mom shows up in a new outfit that lets us know she is just Steph the Mom now and she interrupts the sharing of feelings before it even gets started.

Digression 3: Steph is wearing a worn out t-shirt and a pair of plaid pajama pants which is very similar to what I wore to drop off my kids at school this morning. #lesbianmomuniform

Lesbian Mom Uniform

Steph then goes on a Tour of Children. First stop? Mariana and Jesus. They are chatting on Mariana’s bed and Steph joins them and is much softer and sweeter and gives them hugs and kisses because she’s wearing her magical lesbian mom pajama pants. Then she says that they are their real kids too and adds “I love you my babies” and I teared up a bit because it’s sweet and I’m really tired because one of my babies didn’t sleep last night and I was not as patient and kind as Steph even though I was wearing the magical pajama pants.

the good news is, i still look really hot in my cop outfit

Then, we briefly see Callie in a white claw foot tub and she is bruised and sad and she touches a turtle sticker on the wall and looks pensive and it all starts to feel like it could go very After School Special soon.

Steph continues her Tour of Children with a stop to see Piano Man. She asks him to be nice to Callie and says, “I just need you to, I don’t know…” and he says, “Ok, I’ll be sure to I don’t know as much as I can.” And now I want Brandon to live with me too! Then, he talks about homework and says, “Moby Dick waits for no man.” Steph responds, “Which reminds me – do you need condoms?” And I laughed which means that Steph can come live with me too.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen of darkness, Mariana takes down a Burberry box basket thing and removes some Methylphenidate (generic Ritalin) and that’s when you know that there are going to be lessons learned!

Digression 4: It is a little known fact that lesbian mothers keep all medications in a Burberry box basket filled with beige napkins. Ritalin must be hidden from the children…who take it.

Callie catches Mariana taking the pills because she is skulking about the house. She then goes to Piano Man’s room and steals his phone while he is reading Moby Dick and then makes a call in some other darkened part of the house and says, “Hey baby. It’s me.” and then says something about having to figure out how to get there. Callie is very busy. I suspect she is nocturnal.

Fast forward to school the next morning. Apparently, Lena is Vice Principal of Anchor Beach which is supposedly a school but looks like a yacht club with lots of pretty people, a view of the ocean and people walking around with surfboards. We did not have these things at my school. Of course, I lived in Kansas but still.

yeah, ryan atwood and seth cohen go here too, it’s nbd

To avoid being stared at by girls in pastels, Callie and her army jacket go with the Piano Man to listen to him practice. He then plays her an original piece about his family and it should be really touching because the music is good and it’s a nice sentiment (It’s about his family and how the music is just better with all of them together) but mostly it feels contrived.

Sorry Piano Man.

There are a bunch of little scenes that follow but they feel choppy and boring and I am going to ignore them even though Missy Higgins’ “Secret” is playing while Callie is trying to get some kid she just met to drive her to Mexico or close to Mexico. See? Boring.

Meanwhile, Mariana is secretly chatting with her birth mom online.

Digression 5: While Mariana chats online we find out that the family’s last name really is Foster which is so disappointing. Fosters Fostering. I had hoped that wouldn’t be the case. But alas, Jennifer Lopez didn’t ask my opinion when producing this show. We just don’t talk like we used to.

also i’m bringing katie_xoxo

Mariana chats. Callie tries to get to San Ysidro. Vikki naps.

Instead of doing some book learnin’, Callie confronts Mariana about the pills and Mariana tells her where the bus stop is. Jesus finds a huge wad of cash in Mariana’s purse and she says that she got it working as a Cater Waiter in New York and he says that she got it selling drugs and he sings Cold Hearted Snake. Essentially.

Then, we end up in a police station and the Captain wants to see Steph the Cop Mom and it seems her partner is transferring and the Captain says, “You’re not gonna cry are you?” and Steph says, “No. With all due respect, screw you.” What a lovable tough guy she is! Then there is some partner drama of the non-lez variety because some guy, Mike, wants to be her partner and Steph’s not happy and we start figuring out that Mike is her ex and they made the Piano Man.

wouldn’t this show be even better if her new partner was the lady in the blazer

Betty McRae and Jenny Schecter Join Cast Of “Lost Girl,” Ensuring Maximum Threesome Potential

Do you love girls? Do you love Canada? Do you love Canadian girls? Do you watch television? Are you still crying into your bloomers about the cancellation of Bomb Girls? Are you still pissed off that Ilene Chaiken killed Jenny? Just me on that last one, maybe. Anyhow, if you answered yes to most of those questions, you’ll be pleased to hear this big news from Lost Girl showrunner Emily Andras about Season Four:

Huge casting news for #LostGirl season four! Mia Kirshner! Ali Liebert! Did we mention George Takai? Argh!! #LGBTnerdsplsion

— Emily Andras (@emtothea) May 31, 2013

In a press release released this morning, the Lost Girl crew announced that iconic gay-for-pay actresses Ali Liebert and Mia Kirshner, along with actually-gay actor George Takei, will be participating in a season of “big name guest stars, dynamic story lines and high-quality production.” Furthermore, the press release promises that “the Showcase original will have fans on the edge of their seats.” I love the edge of my seat! It’s my favorite part of this chair.

hey girl i see you’re clutching your tummy, maybe you need a little cunnilingus, ’40’s-style

The press release also ensures that Lauren, Kenzi, Trick, Hale, Vex, The Morrigan and Dyson (womp womp) will return for the physically dangerous Season Four. Also:

 In the upcoming season, fate casts a wide shadow over the Fae world. With Bo’s return, we see the lines between Dark and Light Fae blurred causing Bo to venture into a journey of discovery. Bo and company will ultimately realize that regardless of the challenges and enemies they face, they’re stronger when they face them together.

“The season three finale was our biggest climax ever. The follow up is going to be epic,” said Jay Firestone, Executive Producer.

Although I’d argue that the season three finale was, in fact, specifically lacking the kind of climax I appreciate in my queer television, the fact remains that the addition of these queer-friendly actors to the cast is a  clear sign that Lost Girl knows its audience and is ready to pander to it. The only thing I love more than a nice queer pander is a nice queer Panda and the edge of my seat.

And, regardless of your feelings about Jenny Schecter, I think we can all agree that Mia Kirshner was born to play Dark Fae.

In conclusion, I hope Season Four involves a lot of orgies.

I Just Now Saw: Lost Girl

Welcome to “I Just Now Saw,” a new column in which I attempt to conduct conversations about television shows you watched ten years ago and I just now saw, in their entirety, for the first time. Today I’m gonna talk about Lost Girl, which’s the only show on my list for this series that’s actually still on the air!

1. Overall Feelings

Y’all have been bugging me to watch Lost Girl for a while now because of its bisexual lead character, Bo, and so a few weeks back after finishing Battlestar Galactica, I dove in. I ate it in about a month, finishing the second-to-last episode online about half an hour before the finale aired on SyFy, which was the first episode I saw as it aired on television! (Syfy uses different opening credits than Netflix, sidenote.) Obviously I totally hated the finale, even though I hadn’t followed any of the magical mystery storylines in Season Three with enough consciousness to care about whether or not those loose ends were tied up. It’s just that I will smash my face into a rock if Bo and Dyson become a thing again. “I offered her my wolf.” Oh, shove it.

I’ve read absolutely nothing about Lost Girl anywhere, except for a review of the first episode of the third season on AV Club to see if they said anything about the fact that it was the most transphobic thing I’ve seen on television in quite some time. (They didn’t.) (I was personally appalled that a show with such a passionate queer following actually launched its third season with a classic “deceptive transsexual” storyline. I mean honestly the entire episode was profoundly stupid, like Sucker Punch or something, but just when you thought it couldn’t get one ounce stupider… it did!)

Obviously it reminded me immediately of Buffy, particularly because it has the same structure of each episode being its own procedural of sorts and the entire season dedicated to one Big Bad, and then the Kenzie/Willow parallel (especially if Kenzie gets powers next season) and, perhaps, even a Tam-Tam/Faith parallel? A Giles/Trick parallel? I could go on.

I liked that the show was really dark and sexy and I liked the aesthetic. Is it a “good show”? I’m not sure. It’s a pretty good show, though.

2. Yay Bisexual Representation!

This is, hands down the best depiction of bisexuality I’ve ever seen on television, in that it was completely a non-issue. We’re completely spared the standard coming out narrative and nobody has any problem with Bo’s bisexuality or her relationships. Her feelings for women are never seen as “less than” her relationships with men. Her sexual orientation was actually seen, more or less, as the norm, rather than the exception. I think this is part of why queers are so drawn to sci-fi narratives; because we can make our own worlds there, worlds without compulsory heterosexuality or traditional gender roles. It actually seemed like all the fae were bisexual. It was a magical world where nobody assumes anything about your sexual orientation just from looking at you. Girls kissed other girls so often that I stopped even noticing it!

3. Doccubus Processing Fees Were Through The Roof

As a queer lady, I think all women on television should date and fuck other women, exclusively. Yup. Every single female character on television would be a better character, in my opinion, if they were gay. I will root for the girl-on-girl hookup over the girl-on-boy hookup any day of the week.

Thus I rooted enthusiastically for Lauren and Bo… until they got together and suddenly the relationship was transformed from the sexually electrifying and emotionally complex coupling we’d fallen for and replaced by the standard media depiction of lesbian relationships as tedious, passionless and high on emotional processing. They got off to a good start — those early-season sex scenes, for example — but as Season Three prodded on I was repeatedly frustrated by how intensely it seemed the show wanted us to favor Bo and Dyson! I was having serious Marissa/Alex/Ryan flashbacks. Even Kenzie was on Team Dyson, and I always figured Kenzie was on my team implicitly. As it so often goes with bisexual women in television, her lingering affection for a male ex is repeatedly referenced, as is her BFF’s preference of that male suitor over the female one. While I appreciated that gender was never addressed as a factor in who Bo would favor, it was still an unfortunate trope for this show to entertain. I felt like I could sense the writers favoring Dyson and that pissed me off.

As it was written in the AV Club before they gave up on Lost Girl, “It’s difficult not to get annoyed when every single conversation Bo and Lauren have is dripping with unasked questions and they can’t have a normal conversation without the weight of a relationship barging into the room.”

4. When Did Bo Become Such a Bitch?

As Season Three advanced towards its confusing end, I felt like my brain was on a spin cycle. Suddenly Bo, who I thought was all about caring for other people, was being exceptionally selfish — perhaps best exemplified by the episode in which she misses Lauren’s science award ceremony.  That particular plot — the overworked partner lies about his/her actual activities and misses a significant event in which their partner expects their attendance! — is done all. the. time. I hate it. It even happened in an episode of Breaking Bad I saw two days ago, where a character missed his wife giving birth to facilitate a drug deal. I hate it. I hate that plot! So from the moment Lauren announced that she’d won the award (about which Bo was totally uninterested and a complete cunt), I knew how this shit was gonna go down and I spent the episode in the fetal position, whimpering “no” over and over again softly into my bed.

5. OMG Bo’s Rack

Bo’s rack was practically it’s own character. I admit at times I was sort of confused by this, like is there any mission she participates in where maybe a wonderbra isn’t the best choice? It would seem that answer is “no.” Okay then!

6. She Blinded Me With Science

One of the many things that made Lost Girl different than Buffy was that it was way less geeky. Like I said in the Buffy post, the fact that Buffy was an outsider wasn’t enough to make me connect to her because she wasn’t really geeky in other ways — she hated school and books and computers and all of it. Bo is the same way, of course, and actually so are most of the characters in Lost Girl. Except Lauren! Lauren was the nerdiest coolest science person of all time, and everything about her rang true.

7. The Acting…

I really liked Trick’s character and position in the story, but was I the only one who felt like his acting was consistently sub-par to the point of being comically bad? I felt like every one of his lines sounded like a terrible actor in community theater being like “Hey guys! Look at that over there! I think it’s a grizzly bear!” Ditto for The Morrigan.

8. Kenzi BFF 4Ever Always

I love love love shows which emphasize the importance of female friendship over everything else in the whole entire world! I love how when Kenzi and Bo referred to each other as “best friends,” they spoke with the expectation that the Best Friend Relationship would be privileged like any other official intimacy, like lovers or family.

I’m sure there are shit-tons of Kenzi/Bo shippers out there in the sea, but were I to ship a ship on this show besides Doccubus, it would be this one:

just saying

9. I Liked Vex

I was so excited about Vex, who in my mind is the lovechild of Spike and Andrew from Buffy. He provided some welcome and clever comic relief and when he left the gang near the start of Season Three I was super sad about it.

10. OMG Emma from Degrassi

!!!!!

Let’s Talk About Fictional Kickass Heroines: Katniss, Xena, Buffy and More

by vanessa, geneva, julia, and mey

Here at Autostraddle, we love kickass women. Who doesn’t like to see a girl kick some ass, both metaphorically and physically (but only to protect herself from harm and/or save the world and/or consensually with a trusted partner and a safe word)? Unfortunately for everyone, strong, confident, awesome female leads are few and far between in mainstream media, and when they do exist they’re often deeply flawed or oddly flat characters. Nonetheless, there are some really badass fictional ladies in this great big world, and we want to talk about them.

At camp, the four of us – Vanessa, Julia, Geneva and Mey – will be leading a discussion about female heroines who have positively impacted our brains and our worlds, and contrasting them with supposedly strong female leads who actually kind of miss the mark and make us wince (hi Bella, we’re looking directly at you). What role do these characters play in society’s view of women and girls? How do they positively or negatively shape girls’ own perceptions of themselves and their capabilities? How can we as a community work to create kickass women characters in our pop culture and how can we influence the mainstream media to follow our lead?

Much as we’d love to have that conversation here on the website, too, unfortunately it’s a bit difficult to host and participate in an open thread when you’re hanging out on a mountain top without any internet access. That said, we have a feeling you guys might have a few words to say about all this and we have total faith that you are all kickass humans in your own right who can totally handle this without our guidance, so we’re presenting a list of our favorite kickass fictional heroines as a way to jumpstart this feelingsfest and leaving the rest up to you!

This list is by no means all-inclusive, all-knowing, or even all accurate. If you completely disagree with our inclusion of a character, please (respectfully!) let us know. If you think we left someone out and are totally shocked and appalled that we’ve never read your favorite book / watched your favorite teevee show / viewed your grandma’s favorite home video starring YOU as a fictional heroine, go ahead and school us in the comments! And if you wanna profess your love for Buffy, once more with feeling, we wouldn’t blame you one bit.

SPOILER ALERT: We are about to talk about all of these characters as if you’ve read the whole book / seen the whole series / watched the whole movie / own all the comics in which they appear. If you have not in fact done that you may want to skim and skip accordingly. 

20 Kickass Girls in Books, Comics, TeeVee, Movies, and Pop Culture In General

Miss America Chavez

Young Avengers (Marvel Comics)

This interdimensional kicker of butt is one of only a handful of prominent Latina superheroes in all of mainstream comics. She’s invulnerable, she can fly with super speed, she can travel through different dimensions and she’s so strong that she can “throw tanks to the moon.” She’s able to fight Norse Gods to a standstill. She has one of the best costumes in the Marvel Universe and a cool, no nonsense attitude. Plus, she has two super-powered moms.

Hermione

Harry Potter

Without Hermione, Harry Potter would not have survived past book one and then it would have been a lot shorter. She is the brains of the operation without a doubt. She might even be the smartest kid at Hogwarts and intellect is sexy and powerful. She is also a mudblood so she faces a lot of adversity within the wizarding world, but she gains everybody’s respect because she really is better at this stuff than most of the kids born into wizarding families.

Kel

Protector of the Small

Kel is the first known female to sign up to become a knight. The boys pee on her door and trash her room. They put weights in her practice weapons and make her life a living hell, but Kel carries on with a calm face. She gets up before dawn everyday to do strengthening exercises so she can’t just compete with the boys, but so she is stronger than the boys. She takes in animals who are bound for the slaughter house and fights for those who cannot fight for themselves. She is a truly awesome role model for girls.

Kaisa

Ash

Julia is desperately waiting to be cast as Kaisa in the movie version of Ash, because she wants to be her so bad. Kaisa is the King’s Huntress, which is basically his right wing woman. She rides around the country keeping everything safe and leading the hunt. She has excellent archery and equestrian skills. Her position is one of power and respect. She is also super suave with the ladies.

Zoe

Firefly

A soldier, a wife, a friend, and a kickass independent woman of color, Zoe earns her spot on this list many times over. Over the short run of Firefly (RIP), we witness her show off some impressive fighting skills, and it often seems as though she’s the only member of the crew that Captain Mal Reynolds really trusts. Though it’s a little off-putting to hear Zoe call Mal “sir” so often and consistently, that does not stop her from giving her opinions (both to Mal and to her husband, pilot and crew member Wash), and she never misses an opportunity to make subtle “I told ya so” comments when Mal’s plans inevitably go awry. It’s also refreshing to see a married woman on television retain her independence; she may be a wife, but she still calls her own shots and her husband not only accepts that, it’s obvious he respects it. Solid healthy relationship modeling all around!

Karolina Dean and Xavin

Runaways (Marvel Comics)

Karolina is a glowing, flying teenage daughter of alien supervillains who’s the emotional center of her team. Xavin is her shapeshifting Super-Skrull fiancée who’s one of the few transgender characters in all of comics. Together they form one of the best queer couples in recent comics, showing not only that you can have three-dimensional queer characters, but also that gender isn’t a simple, straightforward binary. These two are able to not only overcome their supervillian legacies, but also the racism and homophobia that they face for being an interracial lesbian couple.

Katniss

The Hunger Games

When we meet Katniss she is a young woman with almost no support system who manages to look after both herself and her family with no complaints. That would be impressive enough, but when she’s thrust into the world of the Hunger Games (by bravely and selflessly volunteering as tribute to save her little sister) her character gains strength and independence that make her an unstoppable force. Throughout the series we see her attempt to discern right from wrong, decide who she can trust and who is lying, and her humanity is celebrated even when it is not immediately rewarded, providing nice depth in comparison to a robo-girl who just kicks butt and takes name. Katniss does all this while being human, and it’s inspiring.

Tara

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Tara is arguably one of the most underrated Scoobies of the gang. She’s shy when we first meet her, but over the course of her arc she proves herself to be a powerful witch with both natural and learned talents, she stands up to her father and rejects the preconceived notions her family has about what a woman must do and be, she supports and loves Willow but also refuses to be manipulated, and she is always willing to offer wise advice, sweet encouragement, and an extra brain when it comes time to research. Honestly the only critique we can think to lob at Tara is that she’s too perfect – for real, try to think of a single moment during her entire arc when she bothered you. You can’t use the time Joss made her and Willow wear weird princess dresses during the musical because that wasn’t her fault. See?! She’s perfect and kickass. Also also also: she’s a gay lady – we love gay ladies!

Xena

Xena: Warrior Princess

Xena was originally a character on Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, but her spin-off show surpassed its dude-lead counterpart in both ratings and pop culture prominence. Xena is everything we could ask for – she’s confident, multifaceted, queer and can kick the asses of most gods. She has intense relationships with a whole bunch of female characters over the course of the show as friends, enemies, family and thinly-veiled lovers, flying in the face of the widely held belief that no one will watch a women-lead action show.

San

Princess Mononoke

San, in my opinion is without a doubt the most badass Disney Princess. She sucks a bullet straight from a giant wolf’s shoulder. She charges into battle armed with just a knife against people armed with guns and swords. She wasn’t just raised by wolves, she was raised by a Wolf Goddess. San is willing to do anything to protect her family and her home. She’ll fight tooth and nail for what she believes in, even if it means trying to single handedly stop a rampaging Boar Demon.

Brienne of Tarth

A Song of Ice and Fire / Game of Thrones

In a universe notorious for corruption, violence and greed, Brienne is the one true knight. She can’t technically become a knight because of the patriarchy, but she doesn’t care and earns a place in Renly’s Rainbow Guard anyways. She’s honourable, determined, street smart and doesn’t let men belittle her. Though her journey is closely intertwined with Jaime Lannister’s redemption arc, Brienne always has her own story and her own motivations. And she kicks his ass in a swordfight.

Echo

Dollhouse

This show starts slowly, but once Echo’s character arc kicks in midway through the first season a really cool feminist narrative unfolds. Echo is trapped in a child-like state, controlled by the staff of an underground company who program volunteers to become various fantasies of rich clients. In her supposedly blank state, Echo develops self-awareness and rebels against the company. When their technology gets in the wrong hands and turns Los Angeles into an apocalyptic nightmare, Echo leads a band of guerrilla warriors to save the world from itself. The show never shies away from dealing with the misogyny and consent issues inherent in its premise, and Echo, Sierra and Adele always find a way to upset the order of the institutions trying to control and exploit them.

Ginny

Harry Potter

Ginny is fierce. She is the youngest and only girl in a large family of boys and she is totally awesome because of it. She always steps in to be at the front of the battles, even when she is told she is too young she manages to sneak in to lend a hand. She is one of the bravest/strongest characters in the series. She handles the love stuff with Harry in a mature and responsible way, she is helpful and insightful, and she knows exactly how to use a wand.

Faith

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Faith does everything we wanted to do high school – she skips school, has sex whenever she wants and rocks snakeskin bell-bottoms. Though she was introduced strictly as a foil to Buffy, Faith’s journey from teen bad girl to supervillain to stoic hero is one of the stand-out arcs of the series. Whether she’s picking fights with cops, possessing Buffy’s body or leading an army of fellow Slayers into battle, we always understand Faith’s motivations. While Faith has to make amends for her mistakes over the course of her redemption arc, she never apologizes for who she is. Faith’s as outspoken, confident and kinky after her heel-face turn as she ever was while evil.

Nani

Lilo and Stitch

Nani holds it down. She’s recovering from the tragic loss of her parents, raising her little sister, and working full-time. Not only that, but she also has to deal with government agents and a whole mess of aliens trying to take away either her little sister or that sister’s pet and best friend. Nani is by far one of the best role models in any Disney film. She’s able to show the importance of family and love, and that when someone is a part of your family, you accept them for who they are and hold to them as tight as you can, no matter what.

Bo

Lost Girl

Bo is the big-hearted, brave lead of Lost Girl who loves breaking rules. She refuses to align herself to a side in the ongoing magical war, chooses humans as best friends and lovers despite cultural stigma and makes no apologies for being bisexual. Bo and her bestie Kenzi handle monsters-of-the-week, doomed romances and the trials of being young and broke through humor and self-reliance. When it’s revealed that Bo is the prophecized savior of her people, she begrudgingly accepts her duty without ever compromising her morals, attitude or sex life.

Willow

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

We had a hard time deciding whether or not to include Willow on this list because of that time she raped her girlfriend via magical mind-wiping, but the world is a complicated place and we think she still belongs here. Willow begins the show with little agency as the computer nerd everyone picks on at school with a hopeless crush on her best and only friend, but she soon proves herself critical to the Scoobies’ adventures thanks to her book smarts, loyalty, and growing magical prowess. In college, Willow forms more of an identity outside of the Scoobies, joining a Wicca group and beginning a secret relationship with another witch, and she asserts herself as much more than just Buffy’s sidekick. Though her buried self-hatred, need for control over her loved ones and arrogant overuse of magic eventually drive her to become evil and try to end the world, it’s hard not to cheer for her rises in confidence and power. Having Willow mess with the established order by magically imbuing thousands of potential Slayers with their superhero powers is a kickass final act for her story.

Kaede and Taisin

Huntress

We put these two together because they are both awesome heroines in their own right, but as a team they are unstoppable. Taisin has crazy magical sage powers and Kaede is fierce and kickass. They support each other through a journey to save the world. They share a unique mental bond, as well as having the complimentary skills to complete their mission, as well as fall deeply in love with one another.

Batwoman

The first lesbian superhero with her own comic book, Batwoman is just as tough and fierce as any of her male counterparts. After being kicked out of the military for refusing to lie about who she is back when DADT was still in effect, she decided to become a vigilante in the most dangerous city in the DC universe. She teams up with the likes of Wonder Woman, The Question, her fellow members of the Bat Family and even the Justice League of America. She flirts with the Police Women who pull her over and looks great in a tux. She may share a name with Batman, but she is no sidekick.

Buffy

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

For better or worse, women who kick ass on television will always be compared to Buffy Summers. Over seven seasons, Buffy takes on the patriarchy in many of its guises – she emancipates herself from the patronizing Watchers Council, fights demons posing as douchey frats guys and abusive boyfriends, slices a misogynistic preacher in half via crotch and always has a snappy retort and ass-kicking in store for vampires who underestimate her. The overarching theme of the loneliness Buffy faces as the only Slayer in the world comes to a satisfyingly feminist conclusion in the series finale when Buffy and Willow do a spell that shares Buffy’s power with thousands of girls around the world, creating a Slayer army.

You, Too, Can Be Made Gay By The X-Files: Scully 101

You know Scully made us gay and maybe you’re ready for Scully to make you gay(er) too. But where to start? For some, starting at Episode 1, Season 1 of a nine-season behemoth is a little much. Sometimes you need to dip your toe in first and you need some overly-enthused queer weirdos to point you in the right direction. Well, friend, this is your lucky day.

1. Bad Blood

Rachel: Is this episode perfect? It might be perfect. Scully is on point, Mulder is point, Luke Wilson is on point and he’s not even really on the show. Scully’s constant eye rolling at Mulder and constant bedroom eyes at Luke Wilson are an excellent primer on why she is the greatest: she’s snarky and dry-witted and super smart and totally ready to get down. Scully, if it were up to me, you would never have to pay for the Magic Fingers on hotel beds. It also illustrates one of the greatest things about the X-Files and the thing that X-Files haters never seem to get: the X-Files is already better at making fun of itself than you ever will be, so sit down.

Stef: The X Files’ funny episodes are always hit-or-miss by a fairly wide margin, but this one is a goddamn home run and a half.  “Bad Blood” cleverly takes us through the first half of a case from both detectives’ very different perspectives.  It’s a real treat to see how Mulder and Scully behave through each others’ eyes, and it’s also kind of fascinating to see how they view themselves; Mulder seems to think he second-guesses himself more than he actually does, but Scully is pretty on-point.  It’s nice to see that the kid from “The Sandlot” had at least one more big acting gig, this time as a glowy-eyed pizza vampire.

2. Killswitch

shipping scully and invisigoth 4ever

Rachel: What if the internet was really like this? I wish I had seen this when I was 14, because it would have given me way more to hope for blindly and then be deeply disappointed about than Disney movies ever did. Do you want to be the cyberpunk goth internet girl or date her? How much would this episode could have been improved by the inclusion of Julia Stiles in Hackers? I have a lot of questions.

Stef:  I did see this episode when I was 14 and I remember feeling strongly enough about it to write fervently about it in my diary.  In retrospect, I probably had a giant crush on the character of Invisigoth and I definitely envied her ability to upload herself to the Internet – my (admittedly geeky) teenage dream.  I may or may not have tried to make some take on Invisigoth into my AIM screen name at one point, because I was very cool.  This isn’t really a particularly Scully-centric episode, but you do get to see her kick some ass in a surreal action sequence where she beats the shit out of some sadistic nurses, so there’s that. Also, this is what email looks like in “Killswitch,” which kills me:

3. Quagmire

Rachel: This is not my favorite X-Files episode of all time, but it is very close to it. When the episode “Detour,” which is in fact my favorite of all time, came out, critics complained that it was essentially just a rehashing of this episode in that the real focus was just Mulder and Scully hanging out, specifically hanging out overnight in an unsafe wooded area and talking about their feelings while waiting for dawn. Um, that’s awesome? Frankly I feel a little cheated that we didn’t get more than two episodes of this. Also, Queequeg’s performance in this episode is one for the ages; no Pomeranian actor since has been able to measure up.

Stef: Despite being one of the less successful comedic episodes (sorry Rachel), “Quagmire” has wormed its way into our hearts because of the time we get to spend with Scully’s Pomeranian, Queequeg. Because Mulder drags Scully out to this case fairly unexpectedly, she has no choice but to bring her little dog along. Queequeg smiles dimly at everyone from the backseat of their rental car, trots merrily right through a murder scene (which you’d think at least Scully would have a major issue with, forensics-wise) and ultimately meets his demise at the hands (jaws?) of the mysterious swamp monster. His death leads Scully to draw parallels between Mulder and Ahab, both blindly seeking something they will never achieve, blah blah blah – this was a very peculiar way to react to the death of a pet. O Queequeg, we hardly knew ye – an important character in X Files mythology who never got his time to truly shine.

4. Never Again

morning after shirt yeahhhhh

Rachel: This episode is a real emotional roller coaster for Scully fans. I love that Scully gets laid — get it, Scully! You work too much! — but this made me feel like when I was a sophomore in college and would have to trail my roommate when we went to parties in order to run interference on gross dudes who she was too polite to fend off. (My roommate was very pretty.) Combine that with the feeling I also had when one of my coworkers had a drunken stick-and-poke party and then proudly showed off his freshly and poorly inked legs; see, there are a lot of complicated feelings here. I feel like a real feminist critic would have a lot to say here. The patriarchy, etc.

Stef: Yo, I’m always really excited when Scully gets to have something along the lines of a personal life, but really Scully?  This guy?  You’re Dana Scully!  You’re a medical doctor and a total babe; you look good whether you’re all sweaty from running after UFOS through a cornfield, freshly stung by an alien-disease-carrying bee or elbow-deep in an extraterrestrial corpse. Surely you could have your pick of anyone you wanted! But instead, Scully goes for the kinda creepy recent divorcée who has Jodie Foster’s voice screaming at him through a really silly tattoo.  Then Scully gets a friggin’ TRAMP STAMP like she’s on medical doctor spring break in South Beach.  I have a lot of questions about Scully’s taste in a lot of things.  No matter what happens to Scully for the rest of the entire series, I always take time to remember that under that classic blazer with the huge shoulderpads, Scully has a lower back tattoo… and a wild side.

5. War of the Coprophages

i tried really hard to capture one of scully’s classic eye rolls in this episode but they don’t translate well to screenshot

Rachel: This episode is everything. It combines all the best things about Mulder and Scully’s dynamic (somehow the best Mulder/Scully episodes are the ones where they aren’t actually together and are just working together via telephone. Why is that? What would have happened if Mulder and Scully could gchat?) as well as a full episode of Infested and, for some reason, a Playboy Bunny runner-up as a hot scientist. What else could you want out of television? That wasn’t rhetorical, that was a serious question. What more is there?

Stef:  You guys, Mulder is SUCH a lesbian.  In every episode where Scully has maaaaybe the most potential of sparks with any other character, Mulder gets hilariously jealous and defensive.  “War of the Coprophages” is that rare episode where the tables are turned, and Scully’s withering disdain in the face of Mulder’s crush object (a bubbly entomologist named Bambi) is completely priceless.  She can barely say the doctor’s name without raising an eyebrow and sneering a little.  Other than that, my #1 feeling about this episode is that bugs are gross.

6. All Things

pondering holistic medicine but perhaps also lesbianism???

Rachel: When Stef and I were talking about this, I was really afraid I had made this episode up in my head. I was trying to describe it as “like, that one where Scully does a bunch of new-agey stuff? Stuff glows? I feel like there are a lot of people wearing purple?” Lo and behold, it exists, and is even more ridiculous than I remembered! You know when your aunt went through that phase of buying into The Secret really seriously and wore a lot of flowing tunics and scarves? This is like if your aunt became an episode of television. This is sort of a meh Scully episode because I feel like my concept of who Scully is would roll her eyes and roll up out of there in the first five minutes of this episode, but it’s a CRUCIAL Scully episode in that this is the only episode actually written and directed by Gillian Anderson, which means that this is what Gillian Anderson thinks of Scully as being. Fascinating!

Stef: I don’t know how but somehow Rachel managed to find one X Files episode with lesbians in it.  Not only that, but two seconds after the lesbians appear, Scully informs one of them that she is a medical doctor, which means you get to take a drink.

Why Grey’s Anatomy’s New Story Arc Is A Pretty Big Deal

Note: If you aren’t caught up on this season of Grey’s Anatomy, there are possible spoilers ahead.

Instead of ending in a homicidal bloodbath or a deadly plane crash like previous seasons, Grey’s Anatomy’s ninth season is concluding on a marginally more realistic note. Last week — in true Grey’s fashion — Arizona Robbins (Jessica Capshaw) cheated on her wife Callie Torres (Sara Ramirez) with Dr. Lauren Boswell (played by Hilarie Burton of One Tree Hill fame) in an on-call room during a blackout. The aftermath of this will play out in the season’s final episode which airs tonight on ABC.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gSJ3dDsUck

If you’re not a big Grey’s fan (or if you dipped out seasons ago when most of the original cast did), no big! Nine seasons of any show is a hefty commitment, and like Riese said two years ago, “the lesbian storyline became the only reason to watch it at all.”

Here’s a quick recap to get you up so speed: Way back in season four, Callie developed a thing for Dr. Erica Hahn (Brooke Smith AKA Senator Martin’s daughter from Silence of the Lambs). She romantically pirouetted between Erica and Dr. Mark Sloan (Eric Dane) for a handful of episodes before coming out as bisexual — at which point Brooke Smith was fired from Grey’s and the powers that be at ABC received lots of angry emails.

Enter: Arizona Robbins, a lesbian pediatric surgeon who sustains her peppy persona with a diet of espresso and Tickle-Me-Elmos. Predictably enough, Arizona soon pranced up to the bone-tired bone doctor in a grimy bar bathroom and kissed her sad, heartbroken face.

Fast-forward four seasons. Between dealing with homophobic parents, baby daddy drama, chicken pox, a near-fatal car wreck, a lost limb, and plenty of patients, Callie and Arizona (Calzona if you’re fluent in Fangirl) have somehow managed to get married and start a family, in turn making me feel wildly inadequate about my own time management skills.

By having a relationship that’s lasted longer than a sweeps episode, Callie and Arizona have become network television’s golden lesbian couple, receiving nominations for GLAAD Media Awards and faring well in the organization’s Network Visibility Index. Ramirez has also received a nod from NAACP for her portrayal of the most prominent QWOC character on television. Grey’s exec producer/puppeteer Shonda Rhimes has gone as far as declaring that Callie and Arizona are “made for each other” and that their chemistry rivals the two hetero leads on the show.

Which brings us back to the finale! While Arizona’s end-of-season infidelity is a big blow to devout Calzona shippers, it’s actually luring me back into watching Grey’s. With the exception of an occasional YouTube supercut of the lesbian stuff, I haven’t watched a full episode since Callie and Arizona stabilized as a couple. At the risk of feeling like I’m biting the network that feeds me, Calzona became such an immaculate representation of a queer couple, so intentionally squeaky clean, universally likable and perfect that they felt sterilized, and a little bit… boring.

Alice stages an intervention for Callie and Arizona

Good visibility and good entertainment are two very different things. While Callie and Arizona look fantastic on paper as a happily married interracial powercouple complete with an adorable daughter, they’ve fallen flat when it comes to compelling storylines; until now, they’ve been safe.

For awhile, ‘safe’ was all that we really wanted in lesbian and bisexual network television characters. If you’re a queer woman, it’s never as simple as just liking a show. I have a learned tendency to approach any portrayal of our community on television with jaded caution. I’m leery of getting attached to a queer character, let alone a couple. From The OC to Degrassi, the list of LGBT character casualties is simultaneously impressive and depressing. Not long ago, just having two lady-lovin’ characters share a handful of scenes together without them being written off, killed off, or fleeing back to their ex-boyfriends felt like a colossal accomplishment.

Fortunately, we’re finally moving beyond that. Queer TV characters are sticking around and actually staying queer! Arizona hasn’t so much as batted an eyelash in McDreamy’s direction, and Callie’s remained true to her bisexuality. Over on Glee, Santana Lopez regularly drops lesbian pop culture references with the best of us. There’s something really satisfying in knowing that Pretty Little Liars’ Paige McCullers dated another girl while Emily Fields was away for the summer, and that Lana Winters was able to find another woman to love on American Horror Story: Asylum. In 2013, lesbian sweeps stunts feel so ten years ago.

Because lesbian and bisexual characters now have longer shelf lives, network TV is beginning to go beyond the same trope-tastic story arcs. If I never see another coming out, lesbian wedding, or gayby narrative on television for the rest of my life, I will have zero complaints.

via rsloantorresplantain

This is why Arizona’s infidelity is so refreshing to me; there hasn’t been anything like this on network TV before. We haven’t really witnessed a queer woman cheat on her partner, let alone behave unconscionably. Because Calzona have been so tidily written for the past three seasons, I actually trust the decision to throw them this curveball. “We’re equal opportunity over here at Grey’s Anatomy. Straight people have their cheating moments all of the time. We’ve created this relationship that’s very interesting and complex, and I feel like we’re at a moment where this [temptation] feels earned. We’re doing something that feels very in keeping with what’s right for these characters,” Shonda Rhimes told TV Guide’s Michael Ausiello.

Positive visibility doesn’t have to mean perfect visibility. While it might sound like the reverse of what were initially asking for, queer characters doing f*cked-up things only serves to make them more authentic and multi-dimensional in the long-run. Not every LGBTQ character on television has to be an upstanding citizen and role model 24/7; they can be divisive and even villainous. It’s only problematic if they’re divisive and villainous because of their sexuality. Media representation’s goal shouldn’t be to canonize our community as saints, but to humanize us.

Besides, saints have never made for entertaining television. It’s nice to see Arizona — who has always been all Heelys, “good man in a storm” speeches and Hollie Hobbie scrubcaps — emotionally tailspin into bed with another woman after losing her leg in a plane crash. Along with much-welcome tension, there’s also comfort in knowing that even the best of gay women can be vulnerable, conflicted, and fall apart (something we really haven’t seen outside of dyke-centric shows like The L Word and Lip Service). This is so much more than a breakdown: it’s a breakthrough for queer characters on network television.

Glee Episode 422 Recap: All Or Nothing Or Everything Or Something Or Whatever

Welcome to the 22nd recap of the fourth season of Glee, a show about man-eating penguins, protein smoothies, lawnmowers and earnest teenagers hoping to become the next O-Town. This was the last episode of the season, praise Teen Jesus, so let’s jump right in to this giant vat of lard and secrets!

We open at “MIT,” where all the men dress like dapper butch queers and are intrigued by Brittany’s near-perfect SAT score despite her .02 Grade Point Average. They gave her a math test  and she failed the math test.

brittany, we’d like to have a serious discussion with you about the mathematical probability of you and santana having sex one last time for the nice girls at home who have suffered through this entire season with minimal rewards

Despite this failure, however, Brittany did manage to doodle a bunch of numbers on a piece of paper in crayon (does she just carry crayons with her everywhere?) (yes) during her test-taking period and these numbers turn out to be like the formula to the meaning of life or an equation for weapons of mass distraction or a mass calculator determining the likelihood that Kristen Stewart is gay or an exact algorithm of how to write something on the internet without getting yelled at. It’s called The Brittany Code and it’s “the most important scientific breakthrough of the 21st century.”

and this here, is this or is this not a drawing of santana’s breasts?

Thus the MIT guys would like to offer her “a unique proposition.” It’s probably an offer she can’t refuse.

ugh please don’t put your man hands on my illustration of santana’s vulva please

We then type formulas into a giant machine that transports us all the way from the Old North Bridge back to good ol’ Lima, Ohio, home of my favorite Cracker Barrel restaurant in the entire g-damn world. Ryder’s all ryled up about katie_xoxo, STILL.

if only there was a way to trace phone numbers, if only i could ask my fellow classmates for their phone numbers or something crazy like that

In the Glee Room, Mr. Shue tells the kids that Regionals will be hosted at McKinley because who cares, and therefore they’ve got a “home court advantage, YO!” (-Artie). Mr. Shue emotes that the children are in for “the time of their lives” and also it’s time to “get real.” Oh! One more thing: it’s their “moment.” Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this!

yayyyyyyyyyyy fun-dip for everybody!

Then everybody is asked to take a moment of silence to think of all the people who died today from gun violence JUST KIDDING to think about Rachel’s audition for Funny Girl?

We then take a midnight train to Georgia and a noon-time plane to New York City, where Rachel’s auditioning for Funny Girl… with a Celine Dion song? Don’t Broadway people hate Celine Dion, like as a rule? Shouldn’t she be singing like… a funny song?

i’m the one whhhoooo wannttts to loveeee you throwing a junior mintttt in my moutthhhh!!!!

At the end of the number, Rachel is crying, probably because listening to Celine Dion can be an intensely painful experience.

We then abruptly hightail it back to Lima, Ohio, where Blaine and Sam are roaming the hallowed halls while Blaine talks crazy about proposing to Kurt, which Sam points out is crazy.

and then i’m gonna grab both of his testicles and yell “marry me or die, bitch!”

Blaine says that “people like him” have been hearing “it’s not time” for hundreds of years, so he has to marry Kurt. Unfortunately he doesn’t mean “people who are 17 fucking years old,” as he should, but “gay people.”

Cut to the Glee Club Room, where Sugar and Teen Jesus suddenly show up, to great acclaim and zero explanation, inspiring the children to erupt into orgasmic cheers!

yeaahhhhh we got away from you motherfuckers for like ten episodes how you like us now

Then Brittany shows up with her rolly suitcase and wants to know why they’re doing Marley’s song and not her song, “My Cup.”

or perhaps you’d all like to hear the sequel, “two girls my cup”

Brittany’s got some bitchery to dole out:

Brittany: “Let me break it down: nobody in this musty choir room compares to my megawatt star power. Blaine, you’re shorter than your average lawn gnome, Joe, you look like a Yucatan spider monkey. Tina is… you know, she’s… Tina.”

Sam rushes to her aid frontstage, also requesting that she stop texting him because it’s rude, but she has some important texts to send:

Sam: “Did you just break up with me? By a text?”
Brittany: “Yeah. As fascinated as I am by your down-filled pillow-soft lips that are ten times too big for your face, I really miss my sweet sweet lady kisses.”

as you can tell by this lazy hat / denim sleeveless vest combo, i’m en route to a new lesbian commune in the catskills

SWEET SWEET LADY KISSES? Ah yes, we miss those too. I love it when ladies become lesbians and then leave the show! Maybe Brit-Brit will go to that magic place in the sky with that lady from Law & Order. But first Brit-Brit has to light her Cheerios uniform on fire and coat the hallway with her crayon-drawn list of 95 reasons she’s quitting the Cheerios.

reason #52: the cheerios have not been seen cheering at an actual sports game since season one

Cut to yet another scene in the Glee Club Room, where the children are sitting peacefully with their sheet music when Ryder Bieber-Strong flips his shit, yelling at the class about his Catfish Situation. Ryder screams a lot and kicks things violently until Marley stands up and says, “It’s me! I’m Catfish!”

also i was the second shooter on the grassy knoll, i’m so sorry

But first the camera zooms in on Unique’s face of shock, thus revealing the true catfish to all of us here at home. At which point my stomach fell out of my body and splattered all over my shoes.

Marley-Kate: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
New Puck: “Look take it easy Ryder, okay? It was just a little joke and things got out of hand.”

and here i thought we had a real homosexual connection, new puck, and it was your silly girlfriend all this time??

Ryder tells everybody that they’re all fucked up. Valid.

Cut to the Lima Mall, where Blaine’s taken Tina along to help him pick out a ring with which to propose to Kurt.

and that’s the magic ring that will enable you to summon captain planet’s powers!

Personally, I’d suggest this ring, because not only is it attractive, it tastes delicious!

Alternately, you can never go wrong with a Mood Ring:

If he wants the moment to be super-special though, there’s only one choice, amirite Tina? –

Anyhoosers, Blaine clearly has no taste, but luckily there’s a super-cute old lady working at the jewelry store and not just any cute old lady, but a LESBIAN who met her partner Liz at a Styx concert when they were 18!

Jan: “Doesn’t matter how young or old you are. True love is true love.”
Blaine: “My friends have been giving me so much flak.”
Jan: “If we all had listened, we wouldn’t be moments away from the Supreme Court telling us that we are just as crazy and awesome as anyone else!”

is thinking about bloomers

Then Sam busts into the shop, declaring that he’d like to help Blaine pick the ring. Jan asks if Sam is the boyfriend and Sam’s like, nah, Blaine wants to ride me bareback, but we’re just friends. It’s cute and evolved, just like this scene in general.

ok ok slow down don’t tell her about the clown fetish thing

Jan asks if Blaine has anybody to advise him on this because you know, if not, she’d like to show him what’s possible when two people really love each other! She’s probably gonna show him their joint checking account or the couch they picked out at IKEA, this is gonna be good.

then she looked at me like this and i knew we’d be together forever

Cut to the McKinley High Office Room, where Mr. Shue and Sue have summoned Brittany to discuss the fact that they are worried about her, but she refuses to discuss anything anywhere besides Fondue For Two, duh. So, cut to Fondue for Two:

now kiss

Brittany knows the true identity of Sue Sylvester’s baby’s father! It’s Michael Bolton and Sue Sylvester attests that he is a “fantastic lover.” Har.

We then galavant gayly back to the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, where Santana’s taking off her clothing and putting other clothing back on when Sam calls her to talk about Brit-Brit.

oh wow that is a great nip-pic

Unfortch, Santana’s about to jet to a hot date with a choreographer and I’d really like to see that entire situation played out on camera, ideally with both of them in sports bras, but alas:

Sam: “You also know that I’d help you if you ever asked me to. Something, something’s wrong. I’m asking you for help.”

but there is nothing wrong with this