15 Brand New Queer Lady Teevee Characters Defying Expectations This Summer

From time to time this summer, it’s felt like the television goddesses might be really looking out for us. Orange is the New Black has more queer female characters than any American hour-long ensemble show since The L Word, for starters, and that’s really just for starters. The Fosters, which had all the potential to be watered-down prime-time pedantic family fare, is this summer’s sleeper success, and everybody seems to introduce it into conversation by tentatively offering “So I’ve been really into The Fosters, actually?” I mean, nobody’s even up-in-arms that apparently something terrible happened to Naomi and Emily on Skins: Fire! (I’ve avoided all spoilers and have taken the advice to skip watching it, so I’ve got no clue what this terrible thing actually is.) Let’s gaze at these brand-new gay faces, shall we?

15 Queer Characters and 1 Probably-Queer Female Character of Spring/Summer 2013

16. Samira Wiley as Poussey in “Orange Is the New Black”

The thing about Poussey is that she’s yet to declare a lesbian allegiance. But she’s gay right? Probably? In one of the earlier episodes, she mentions how a girl in a magazine has nice legs, so… plus we all have crushes on her so it must be true.

15. Jess Macallan as Josslyn in “Mistresses”

She’s decided to take the plunge with Alex! We’re keeping our fingers crossed that this lesbian storyline keeps coming and coming, but so far it’d seem that ABC is not paying attention to how crossed our fingers are. So maybe we should just uncross them and fingerbang.

14. Taylor Schilling as Piper Chapman on “Orange is The New Black”

Whether you love her, hate her or love to hate her, you’re gonna watch every episode of Orange is The New Black like 47 times.

13. Aeriél Miranda as Shana on “Pretty Little Liars”

Because Pretty Little Liars exists in this weird parallel universe where school is almost and never in session and there are no seasons, it’s totally probably that a lezzie breast-stroke fan would transfer to Rosewood mid-year to join the swim team, ensuring a semi-permanent presence on the program.

12. Shane as Lena on “Ray Donovan”

Ray Donovan is a really bad show about broody men who cover up the gross things done by other broody men. But then there’s Kate Moennig and she’s playing gay again, yay! (Pro Tip: Her part is not substantial enough to justify actually watching this show.) What this show needs is to bring Alice Pieszecki on as Shane’s humorous sidekick.

11. Madeline Brewer as Tricia Miller on “Orange Is the New Black”

Oh Tricia! Tricia with your terrible cornrows and your tender earnest heart. You beat on forever in our bosoms.

10. Tatiana Maslany as Cosima Niehaus in “Orphan Black”

Personally, if I was in the cloning business, I’d make all of them lesbians. But just one dorky nerdy lesbian in fisting/lab gloves will do for now.

9. Teri Polo as Stef Foster on “The Fosters”

It’s time for Meet The (Gay) Parents, and this one looks positively smashing in uniform, when lecturing her children, or when casting lusty gazes towards her wife Lena.

8. Uzo Aduba as Suzanne Warren in “Orange Is The New Black”

SHE’LL THROW HER PIE FOR YOU. What else do you need from a lady? Okay okay: she’s hot and she can sing. There you go.

7. Lea DeLaria as Big Boo in “Orange Is The New Black”

Holy fuck, it’s a butch lesbian played by an actual butch lesbian and it’s on the actual television! It’s all really happening! What will they think of next? (Hiring Julie Goldman, we hope.)

6. Shannyn Sossamon as Alex on “Mistresses”

At first you might not even notice that it’s your #1 crush Shannyn Sossamon playing Alex, ’cause she’s so demure and conservative and wears sunddresess and usually Shannyn has an alternative lifestyle haircut and some kind of aggressive piercing or clothing situation. But not here! Here she is Alex and she is a lesbian. Ta-da!

5. Natasha Lyonne as Nicky Nichols on “Orange Is The New Black”

Playing gay in But I’m a Cheerleader wasn’t enough for Natasha Lyonne, whose wisecrackingly hilarious Nichols has re-warmed us all to Lyonne forever and ever amen.

4. Bex Taylor-Klaus as Bullet in “The Killing”

As a Salon.com writer who doesn’t forget to watch this show every week like I do wrote in The Killing’s breakout character is a butch teenage girl: “Bullet is not a character you see on TV very often: She’s a teenage lesbian, very butch, the sides of her head shaved, her dark hair coming down in a hank toward her eyes… Bullet is smart and competent and generous and tough — or she certainly wants to be seen as tough… She takes a macho, protective attitude toward the other girls in her life…  She is bossy and pugnacious and, despite living for years on the street, still burns with the conviction that some things just are not fair — so not fair she has to try and change them.”

3. Laura Prepon as Alex Vause in “Orange is The New Black”

I feel like a lot of you people wanna have sex with this character. I don’t know, it’s just an impression I get.

2. Laverne Cox as Sophia Burset in “Orange Is The New Black”

A lady-loving transgender woman of color? Yes, please! Sophia Bursett is resilient, strong and funny; delivering some of the show’s most hilarious and most heart-wrenching moments. Laverne Cox also got the chance to work with her twin brother — he plays the pre-transition Sophia in Episode Three’s flashbacks.

1. Sherri Saum as Lena Adams in “The Fosters”

Do you wish Lena was your Mom or your wife? I know, it’s hard to figure out sometimes. Just stay calm and watch The Fosters forever, and welcome to a brand new day for lezzer television.

Pretty Little Liars Recap 407: Crash and Burn and Take Off Your Pants, Girl!

Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only show on television that I love so much I watch it at .5 speed and spend my entire Wednesday and Thursdays writing about it. That sounds like I’m being salty but I genuinely love the show this much. I just wanted you guys to know that.

We open on Rosewood, where Spencer and Emily are doing dishes in Hanna’s kitchen. Are they baiting the shippers or have they finally decided to be in love forever. Maybe they just have a ton of dirty dishes. Those dirty dirty girls.

Clean dishes, dirty women.

Seriously though, can these two fuck already? Santana and Quinn did and I wouldn’t want there to be any straight girls out in the universe thinking they can have non-sexual relationships with gay girls. Actually, the two aren’t bonding over a piping hot sink of bubbles, Emily and Spencer are in a big fight! Instead of talking through it, Emily is being really passive aggressive. I guess she didn’t read the rules of lesbian fight club.

And that’s when Emily knew that Spencer was in love with her.

Spencer: That goes on the top shelf.
Emily: Thanks for telling me… this time. WHY DON’T YOU EVER TELL ME ANYTHING?! IS IT BECAUSE YOU DON’T LOVE ME? I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY YOU LOVE ME.

Aria walks in channeling the Cher from Clueless, or rather, some girl who really liked Clueless but can’t dress like Cher because she’s 12. She reminds the other Liars that they’re all there for Hanna and that she really needs their support right now. Remember, last episode Hanna’s mother got arrested for All The Things. Now Hanna won’t eat. Not even artichokes and meat pies which is the comfort food I would have suggested had anyone asked me.

Hey guys, I brought this plate of pizza bagels. Did you know that with pizza on a bagel you can have pizza anytime?

In the end, The Charmed Ones decide their best course of action is to hold hands and channel the power of three. And maybe call Leo.

And so it is.

Meanwhile, Hanna chats on the phone with Caleb upstairs. Surprise surprise, they’re codependent and overly involved in one another’s lives.

Hanna: Just promise me you won’t do anything stupid [like move to a spin-off show that will definitely only last one season]

So what is Caleb up to anyways? Well, he’s living out my worst nightmare: an evening with TobAy. The two have decided to pool all their brainpower together. That brings them up to about a fourth grade reading level.

Lezzy and the Beast

Actually, they’re doing something Riese and I have long dreamed of: figuring out the timeline of this TV show. Will they finally answer why it’s never winter in Rosewood? Is today the day? Probably not.

But who killed Jenny?!

The next morning Emily prances about in an American Eagle shirt she stole from me in 2004. I was wondering where that went. She can keep it, it looks better on her.

The 79 position. 69’s lesser known cousin.

Pam walks in and tells Emily she’s going to send her to a doctor to try prolotherapy. The efficacy of prolotherapy is pretty controversial and I sort of don’t want to get into it, so let’s assume for the sake of TV that this is going to be one of those magic instant cures that fixes everything and allows Emily go to Stanford on a swim scholarship. If only it were entirely covered by insurance!

Emily: Mom, I can help pay for part of it if that helps [said no teenager ever]

Pam also says Emily shouldn’t be hanging around with Hanna because of Ashley’s little old murder charges. Sometimes it feels like Pam sort of took a step back this season. I miss cool-mom Pam who showed up to Rosewood High and got into it with Paige’s dad.

So the thing I found. It’s about this big and it sort of looks like… Oh I don’t know a long skinny mushroom?

Emily heads off to school where everyone is abuzz about Connor the Contemptible’s Crushed Car.

I hope that actor in the middle was billed in the credits as “Oh shit guy #3”

Aria, obviously, thinks her long lost brother Mike did it. I did too until I remembered that nothing is ever as it seems on this show and it was probably actually Ezra or something.

Did you do this? And don’t say you were at the Taylor Swift concert because we both know tickets were sold out.

Mike is like, “Hell no I didn’t fuck up that guy’s car! I don’t have the equipment.”

Mike: It’s a tiny little stick [said no guy ever.]

Elsewhere, Hanna meets with her mother at the Rosewood Jail. Ashley is now starring in the straight person remake of Orange is the New Black which I would probably never watch because I’m only in it for the lezzies.

Well there is this one nice girl in here named Poussey…

Ashley and Hanna have some strained conversation. The kind you might have when your mother has just been arrested for murder but you know she didn’t do it because some crazy stalker has been fucking with you for years. It’s awkward and I feel terrible for them.

I just wish Spring Breakers had done better, you know?

Also someone should tell the costuming department that folks awaiting arraignment usually don’t have access to such long and luxurious fake eyelashes.

And another woman I keep hearing nice things about… Big Boo I think?

Back over at broland, the Bozo Brothers try to figure out the license plate from Red Coat’s plane using The Magic Of Computers. I’ll never understand how technology works in Rosewood.

Is that shirt Uniqlo? I love Uniqlo.

They get a hit and, just like we always do in Rosewood, they run off to some location without calling first.

Oh man. Now I see why Vai is so popular on Crash Pad.

Meanwhile, in the hallowed halls of Rosewood High, Hanna’s back at school. She’s trying to take her mind off things and also probably just has no idea what the hell to do with herself. Everyone is staring.

Do you know that you can pee with a tampon in?

You know who isn’t anywhere to be seen? Shana. Girl’s gone MIA. While that’s good news for Emily’s raging lesbian jealousy, it’s bad news for the Liar’s investigation of What The Fuck Is Going On.

Oh damn Hanna, come scope this ass with me.

When a couple of boys come by to snicker at Hanna, Emily chases them off with her raging lesbian anger.

Lesbian death stare.

While Emily goes off to be the baddest bitch in the neighborhood, Ezra swoops in and talks to Hanna. I don’t know if Ezra just loves being the guy high school girls rely on, but he’s pretty sweet to Hanna.

I can see straight through your ear and out the other side!

Hanna thanks him for “being a really sweet guy” and it’s only then I realize how fucked up it all is. Like you shouldn’t be calling one of your high school teachers “a guy” let alone “a really sweet guy.” It’s like Ezra’s inappropriate relationship with Aria bled over into the other Liars.

Thinks he’s yet another cis white guy who saves the day.

Speaking of just that inappropriate relationship, Aria is stopped on the stairs by the school vice-principal. Does he want to bust Ezra for sleeping with Aria? Nope! He wants to bust Mike for maybe vandalizing Connor the Contemptible’s car. Aria, of course, covers for Mike saying he was Skyping with their mama at home. Aria Lie? Shocker. Also the vice-principal is a weirdo and seems bent on making me hate him.

So as you can see I’m clearly a top.

After school, Emily swings by the police station to get the insurance card from her mom for her big miracle cure. While there she spots Wilden’s apartment key. It’s funny that for a Police Department that only seems to have one case, they sure are terrible at solving it.

The patriarchy.

You know how all mothers assume their children can’t go to doctors appointments alone? Well Emily utilizes that little fact to get her mother away from her desk and printing out directions. While she’s gone, Emily snags Wilden’s apartment key!

Getting a little jerking in while no one is looking.

Starsweep across town where Byron is home at the Montgomery household just hanging up the phone. He was fielding a call from the police informing him that Connor the Contemptible’s father is pressing charges on Mike over the car. Byron confronts Aria and she tells him about the whole rumor thing. She even tells him that he started the rumor because people in school know about her and Ezra.

Oh Aria, I’m glad you’re here. Have you seen my career? Because I can’t find it anywhere.

Okay. A murderous, cyber-stalking, all-knowing bully I can grasp, but any teen girl talking to her dad like this? No way.

See there’s this thing call “sexting.” All the kids are doing it.

Here’s how the talk goes in real life:

Byron: Do you know anything about this?
Aria: Maybe… Mike’s friend was a jerk to me.
Byron: What do you mean?
Aria: I don’t want to talk about it!! I’m going to my room!

I was slightly concerned that Byron might start slut-shaming Aria over all this but instead he decides he probably also needs to kick Connor the Contemptible’s ass. I want to too, but with witty words and stuff.

I’m gonna take this stick out of my ass and then go punch that brat in the face.

Starsweep across the neighborhood where Hanna is cutting checks for all the bills. Spencer swings by and Hanna explains that she doesn’t want her mom to come home to a dilapidated house.

Now kiss.

Spencer sits Hanna down and heart wrenchingly tells her that her mom probably isn’t coming home any time soon. Actually Troian Bellisario gives a moderately luke-warm performance. Ashley Benson fucking killed it.

A 65% on Rotten Tomatoes?! Seriously?

Across Pennsylvania, The Bozo Brothers roll up to some sort of airplane hangar. I don’t know nothing about no rich people’s airplanes, so I’m going to assume this place is like a bike rack. Except for planes. You lock it up and take it in and out.

Just sit on it.

The Bozo Brothers roll up to the airplane rack counter and make up some dumb story. The guy behind the counter looks like a Ken doll. But the Ken doll with plastic hair, not the Ken doll with the real flowing hair.

I like this Ken Doll character because he constantly looks confused. He’s like a big monkey.

Sorry Toby, I don’t know why you’re on this show anymore either.

Oh hi, this is a serious digression but while I was looking for exactly which Ken doll Nigel looks like I stumbled across 1972’s Mod Hair Ken and he looks exactly like Caleb. I don’t think I can go back to regular life now.

This is real life.

Okay back on track. The Bozo Brothers bribe Ken Doll with a $20 into letting them see the itinerary for the mystery jet. He does but the itinerary, just like everything on this show, doesn’t reveal anything.

Maybe you have a contract that the producers can’t get out of?

The two leave disheartened and, as soon as they do, Ken Doll makes a phone call.

Barbie we have a problem.

Starsweep back across town to Aria’s bedroom where she and Spencer discuss how A is ruining their families. Aria decides it was definitely A who fucked up Connor the Contemptible’s Car. I still think it was Ezra.

Please mistress… may I have another?

More importantly, Spencer looks super hot and toppy in this scene.

Take off your pants.

Just then, Emily busts with a new game plan for the trio. They’re gonna bust into Wilden’s apartment.

Guys run! There are penises chasing me!

These girls never learn. All they’re gonna do by fucking with Wilden’s apartment is make themselves look guilty and maybe get busted. A knows everything and probably even planted evidence against someone in there.

It’s the key to Paige’s panties!

The Liars have learned one thing though, and they finally throw some gloves on before they go digging through Wilden’s things. Too bad we’re treated to the classic A’s POV shot through the blinds and someone calls Wilden’s phone repeatedly.

If you don’t put these on how can I feel comfortable letting you fist me?

The Bozo Brothers process their feelings back over at their secret hideout. I’ve decided I like them a lot better if I think of them as a gay couple. They hash out the day and decide that they’re being taken for a ride. Took them long enough. They realize Ken Doll knew it was foggy by the house that night. How would he have known that? TobAy also can’t get over the super sweet lighter he conveniently found right at the fire. The one A just tossed in his hands.

Come here. I have something big to show you.

It’s not that big.

The two hypothesize that the “NW” on the lighter means that it belongs to Nigel Wright. I just figured it was a gift for Kanye West’s new baby girl. Regardless I obviously didn’t know who Nigel Wright was. I Googled it, he’s the guy who helped Jenna at Wilden’s wedding and also the guy who was working at the plane rack earlier! The Ken Doll.

Toby: Someone’s blowing a lot of smoke [right up my ass]

Back at Wilden’s, the Liars aren’t finding much of anything. Well, they did find Wilden’s collection of sexy-time videos and tube sock for him to beat his meat to.

I don’t give a fuck!

Aria: Yeah if you consider “Lord of the G Strings” a classic

Speaking of man meat, the Liars find a freezer box of mail order steaks on the floor. The box is rancid but the note inside is fresh. It’s a note that says, metaphorically, can’t wait to fry those dumb bitches up house fire style. Obviously it’s from A.

In which Tampax decides to get real in their advertisement campaign.

Orange is the New Black 105: Chick-Fil-A Has Nothing On This Episode

Alex is reading and being a sexy intelligent person in your kick-off gif. Again, you’re welcome.

It’s a beautiful day in mid-autumnal upstate New York, so obviously it’s 20 degrees below zero and all the guards are still in line for coffee at Stewart’s. Upstate New York kids who got that, holler at me.

Piper’s got her book and her ridiculously crumbly Nature Valley bar – seriously, have you tried to eat one of those? you need a fucking mixing bowl and a vacuum cleaner – and she’s ready to enjoy another lovely day in prison. She goes out to a tree, settles into the damp frost (I actually cringed at how unpleasantly cold and wet that must feel), and starts reading How To Use Prison As A Time To Unpack Your White Guilt Backpack (And Shed That Stubborn Belly Fat!). Lo and behold, she is not alone, for there is a chicken. Within prison fences. Just hanging. Probably because she can sense Piper’s homotendencies and knows that the lady’s either a vegan or has negative feelings towards Chick-Fil-A, so.

this is the first image that comes up when you search ‘lesbian chicken sandwich’

Nicky and Morello are reenacting my Catholic school years by doing the dirty in the chapel. Just kidding, if they were reenacting my Catholic school years they’d be wearing rainbow knee socks and reading The Return of the King on the toilet. Nicky wants to switch hands so she doesn’t get too much muscle on one side, which is a real issue I have given actual thought and consideration to before. Morello tells Nicky that they can’t have sex anymore because she needs to let her vagina re-tighten for the wedding night. Reminder: The wedding night with the dude. I…don’t think that’s how the whole vagina situation works, but okay. Before we can get into the biology of vagina tightness, some people bust into the chapel and the two hide under the alter.

i could fit my whole head in there with all my massive hair and it’d still bounce back

Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder (I’m going to call her this now, so everyone accept that and move on) and the chaplain are arguing with Pennsatucky, who I will be calling Doggett from now on because I have one bajillion issues with her portrayal on this show, about putting up a giant homemade cross. This does not go over well, since this is a chapel for all faiths, and a giant homemade cross does not technically fit into all faiths. Doggett starts yelling about amendments and her rights to religion, and then carries the cross out of the chapel a la Jesus. We had a life-sized cross in the eighth grade that we were allowed to carry from religion class to other classes throughout the day as a way to teach us humility and to experience religious conviction. I was the only one who pointed out the insurance nightmare that was our building with four floors and no elevators and a life-size cross being carried around by 13 year old redneck kids, so basically I was laughing hysterically during this scene at all the memories it recalled.

and now i have to drag the cross all the way back to the prison sex dungeon, thanks a lot bitches

Over at Ye Olde Prison Salon, Sophia is still not getting her proper hormone dosages and is not fucking happy about it. Boo, who is getting a haircut almost identical to mine, tells her that the nun, being holy menopausal and all, gets estrogen as part of her treatment, so maybe she should hit up the nun. Well, then.

boo found this cut on the “queer as fuck hair” tumblr tag

Daya’s mom wants her to thread her eyebrows. Apparently her definition of motherhood is having your kids thread your eyebrows. I feel as if her kids will still somehow need less therapy than Angelica Porter-Kennard, maybe because they haven’t been kidnapped by fundamentals yet. Daya’s mom gives her sweet corn to trade for thread for ye olde threading, which gets Daya in trouble with Bennett. But wait, it’s not real trouble, it’s just secret sexy trouble, because while he’s weirdly berating her, he’s slipping a note into her pocket. Those kids.

we know honey, and we’re sorry

Meanwhile in Ye Olde Recreational Room, Piper is just so damn excited about this beautiful day, and she saw a chicken, guys. Everyone freaks out a little at the mention of the chicken, and not in a “I’m so excited for you I can’t believe you slept with that super hot butch text me text me” freaking out way, but in a “What the fuck everything we know and understand is about to be upended by the fact of this creature’s existence” freaking out way. Morello says to tell Red A$AP.

or did it lack flesh, was it a zombie chicken, do we have to deal with zombie chickens now

Daya reads Bennett’s note, which is just telling her to meet up with him and he’s sorry he has to pretend to be an asshole, mushy gushy feelings. She flushes it down the toilet. Which means it’s time for FFFFLLLLAAASSSHHHBBAAACCKKKKSSSS.

Daya’s at home with her shit ton of brothers and sisters. Her sister has just flushed a Barbie doll down the toilet. The kids are in various stages of being neglected, but Daya’s mom is getting all dolled up to go out for the night. She has a scorpion tattoo that made my queer ass go “Oh, a Scorpio. That would explain her sexual intensity and her singular goal-driven attitude that blocks out all other needs.” and then I had to calm myself down and try to be a normal person. Daya’s mom is shitty to her kids, and then goes to make out with a dude outside for their date. Daya, who has obviously fallen into the mother role, is pissed, but accepts her responsibilities.

me before leaving my dogs with a babysitter

Back in the kitchen of the present, Red is pumped at the chicken sighting. Apparently the chicken escaped from being killed on a nearby farm and is considered to be a highly powerful beast. Red wants actual chicken that is not processed and frozen chicken to cook in her kitchen, so she’s going to give out Biore strips to the first person to catch it. Nothing like clean pores to motivate the capture and slaughter of a chicken.

maybe you’re only slightly or mildly useless, like that weird flappy thing on the underside of your top lip that kind of attaches your lip to your mouth but not really

Sophia is cozying on up to Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder for hormones, but pretending it is for her faith and stuff. They head into the chapel and walk in on Doggett and her crew attempting to hang the cross regardless of the rules. Sophia says that is not a weight-bearing pipe, which she would know since she was a firefighter and had to deal with this kind of dangerous bullshit all the time, but Doggett is not going to let anything stand in the way of her conviction. Of course the pipe breaks and the ceiling collapses and everything is a shit mess. Knock knock, it’s Jesus, that was a dipshit move.

i love all the faces of shock and then sophia’s just like “you dumb bitch”

Piper’s visit is not going terribly well. Polly is being shady about their business deal with Barney’s and being middle school bitchy to Piper about it. Larry doesn’t seem to give a shit about anything today. The Barney’s deal needs to not get fucked up because that would be all the money that Piper and Larry are relying on because, as you may or may not know, LARRY’S PARENTS PAY FOR HIS APARTMENT. Piper mentions that Alex is here, in the prison, with her, and Polly and Larry are like oh, wow, so that’s happening at some point. The audience is like IT DAMN WELL BETTER BE, JESUS. Jesus is like, man, I am attending to broken pipes today, let me fucking deal with one thing at a time.

basically, and it only took us five episodes to get here y’all

Daya finds a stick of gum waiting for her at the guard station. Aw, the old stick of gum routine. Works like a charm on ladies everywhere.

the smile that only a stick of gum could provide

Meanwhile at Ye Olde Chapel, it’s cleanup time. Pornstache the guard is in charge of this situation, along with the guy who runs the electrical shop. Apparently there is asbestos, which is fanfuckingtastic for all involved. Also Doggett has yet to be actually punished for this, but she claims Jesus Immunity. Doggett says that Sophia is the reason all this happened, and everyone stands up for Sophia, since Doggett is not exactly popular around here and being transphobic seems to be part of her package deal. Pornstache says this:

*mic drop*

Piper tells Nicky about the chicken and Nicky, as usual, is not entirely sure there is a chicken. Nicky is a little bit preoccupied with the fact that Morello doesn’t want to sleep with her anymore, and whether or not she’d admit it, there’s a lot of sadness and loneliness there now. But Nicky thinks she’ll be back, so it doesn’t matter. You know what they say: You can’t marry away the gay either.

Daya is trying to scorekeep dominos for the Latin@ crowd, but she’s too busy making googly eyes at Bennett. Baby girl, curb it in, we could spot your crush from the space station. Piper and Morello are looking for the chicken, which has aroused suspicion. Apparently the chicken might have drugs in it, which could be worth something. Or it might have a ton of money in it, which is clearly worth something. Suddenly everyone and their mothers are looking for the chicken. Except for Daya and her mother, who are having a heart to heart about the Bennett situation. And by heart to heart, I mean Daya’s mother is telling her to sleep with an uglier guard who will bring her presents and money as opposed to Bennett’s cute ass.

robots making out… that’s the best i can do for this caption, sorry kids

FFFFLLLLAAASSSSHHHHBBBAAACCCCKKKK to Daya’s mom managing to get a guy to bring her presents and money… or start cooking drugs in her kitchen, either or. Daya says that the other kids are hungry, and Daya’s mom makes her man give Daya money for food. That’s one way to solve the problem, I guess.

HOW DOES DAYA’S MOM KNOW WHAT I DO WITH MY LIFE

Back in the present, it’s time for yoga. Oops, it’s also time for AA. Alex is checking out Piper, Nicky is checking out Morello, Sue is checking out everyone.

Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder and Sophia are talking about the body and changes and you get where this is going. So does Sister Laura Ingalls Wilder, though, since she tells Sophia she can’t have her estrogen. Sophia is pissed off, but Sister tells her that it’s not actually about her body, but about how she feels having to leave her son and wife alone while she’s in prison.

WELCOME TO CATHOLICISM!!!! CHEERS!

Yoga/AA scene progresses with this incredible line from Taystee:

Alex confesses that she started using heroin when Piper left, and that even that couldn’t fill the gap that was leftover from their breakup. Piper fumes about this confession and says that’s not even what happened, and then leaves in a huff. Dyke drama, y’all.

like stone top levels of control but then i turned out to be a switch so hey holla girls

Larry is visiting his parents, who, again, pay his rent. How old is this grown-ass man again? He says he’s writing an article about edging, though, and wow, things I wouldn’t share with my parents 101: how I’m lately trying to masturbate without coming. His mother is concerned about this, thinks Larry should always be coming. Okay, wow. No. Cringing, vomiting, not feeling okay right now. We also learn that Alex was definitely responsible for putting Piper away, but whatever, I don’t actually blame her because again, Piper did what she did.

oh go dnow hat noasdasfgasdasf

So the chicken is now worth a lot of money, probably filled with diamonds and money and heroin. Red is mad that everyone else is in on the hunt because she specifically is the only one worthy of the chicken.

Unfortunately the hunt does not last, because everyone is made to lay on the ground and be berated by Pornstache for running. No running, guys! Meanwhile, Bennett gets a note at the guard station, but there’s no drawing on the back like the usual notes from Daya. Everyone sees where this is going, right?

Healy tells Piper that she’s new and will soon learn to not get involved in this stuff. Also the chicken isn’t real. What else isn’t real, Healy?

Oh, honey. Wow.

Piper is on the phone waiting for her meeting. Apparently she and Larry have been borrowing a lot of money from their parents? Again, how old are these grown-ass people? My sympathy for these two kind of died even more than usual. Piper thinks Alex is sabotaging her with the chicken rumors. Piper is a little obsessed with Alex, huh? Larry tells Piper that Alex didn’t name her. Not exactly, buddy. Also good job at likely fueling the Piper/Alex sexytimes.

imagining alex in the shower not turning her in…or turning her in, not picky

Bennett arrives at his secret sexy times with Daya in the utility closer but surprise! It’s Daya’s mom, with her titties out, ready for the action. Shitty move, Daya’s mom. Real fucking shitty. The light goes out and we don’t know if anything goes in!

FFFFFLLLLAAASSSHHHBBBAAACCCKKK to Daya and the other kids visiting their mom in prison. Apparently she took the fall for her boyfriend, who is still cooking in their kitchen. Daya’s mom doesn’t actually care about the kids, but wants to know if he’s sleeping around. Daya gets pissed off and Daya’s mom thinks she’s sleeping with the boyfriend. My need to constantly give Daya a hug increases by the minute. Unfortunately Daya goes and hugs her mom’s boyfriend… with her mouth.

Piper is on the phone about to have the conference call with Barney’s. But who appears outside, beckoning her to follow? Is it Jesus? Is it Lesbian Jesus? No, it’s the chicken. And Piper decides to go follow the chicken, instead of following her soapmaking dreams.

still picturing alex in shower

Until next time, I’m off to eat some oysters. Stay real, bitches.

Six Badass Sci-Fi Women of Color You Should Know

Here at Autostraddle, we’ve covered fictional kickass heroines, hot sci fi women, fictional female crime fighters and action movie heroines that tickle our queer ladyboners. I’m here today to highlight the kickass women of color in sci-fi – women who sometimes get the short end of the stick in terms of screen time and storylines, but who nevertheless kick some major booty (often without displaying their own).

Sharon/Boomer/Athena/Number Eight

Played by Grace Park in the Battlestar Galactica reboot.

via Screened

SPOILERS! You have been warned.

Number Eight is a humanoid cylon and one of the main characters in Battlestar Galactica. If you haven’t seen the show, I’m here to tell you that, yes, Grace Park plays ALL of those characters – because they’re all the same… but different. Basically, there are a bunch of Eight Cylon models, two of whom (Sharon “Boomer” Valerii and Sharon “Athena” Agathon) are important recurring characters.

Both Sharons are pilots on the Battlestar Galactica, though their allegiance shifts from the Colonial Fleet to the Cylons and back over the course of the show. Regardless of their moral compass(es), Number Eights are tough fighters and more-than-capable pilots. The Cylons are designed to groupthink, but two Eight models break away and become independent with their own unique personalities.

via IGN

Though both Sharons have relationships with men, the dynamic is of the futuristic-gender-blind-society kind. Also, Cylons are presented as genderless – though not sexless – and we know that some Cylons develop feelings for their own sex (I’m lookin’ at you, Gina/Six).

Louanne “Kat” Katraine

Played by Luciana Carro in the Battlestar Galactica reboot.

via Forever Geek

Kat first appears as a rookie Viper pilot in the Colonial Fleet, but eventually climbs her way up to be named CAG (Commander of the Air Group) on Galactica. At first, she seems to exist primarily to get on Starbuck’s nerves, but we end up liking her more and more as her character arc is more fleshed out. She is feisty, rebellious and just a little bit cocky. SPOILER: In the end, she dies a big damn hero.

via Luciana Carro Fans

Note: The character Kat is portrayed as Latina (though, to be fair, the race designations in the alternate Galactica world are not the same as ours), but the actress is Canadian, of Italian descent. I point this out  because there is a long, racist history of non-white characters on American TV and film being played by white actors.

Zoe

Played by Gina Torres in Firefly (RIP).

via Black Feminist Rising

Zoe already made our fictional kickass heroines list, but she’s so awesome that her name bears repeating. As first mate to Captain Malcom Reynolds, Zoe is loyal and steadfast. Though she does heed Mal’s leadership, she challenges and questions him when necessary. 

via In My Head

She’s also wife to Wash, Serenity’s pilot, and a veteran of the Unification War.  And can I just say that it’s pretty rad to see a relationship like Zoe and Wash’s? Truly gender-equal heterosexual relationships are already rare on TV and Zoe and Wash present a great take on hetero spousal dynamics. Plus (as suggested by the title of this list) she kicks ass. Like, a lot of it.

Inara Serra

Played by Morena Baccarin in Firefly (RIP).

Discussions of badass women in sci-fi usually features Zoe (and for good reason) but Inara often gets skipped over, possibly because she’s way more conventionally feminine. Like Kat, the actress who plays Inara is of Italian decent (though born in Brazil), but Inara is written as a character of ambiguous ethnicity. So… she’s on the list, ok?

Inara is a Companion, which translates to a classy call girl in the Firefly ‘verse. She’s fierce, independent, gorgeous and knows how to handle swords AND guns. Plus it’s great to see a character who is both feminine and badass.

via caught in the cogs

And while she’s the main love interest for Captain Mal Reynolds, we know she takes both male and female clients. Though she normally avoids physical altercations, Inara is often the one who challenges Mal’s crazy plans and stands up to the rest of the crew. Not to mention, she sometime gets involved in crime too, just to mix things up.

Dr. Allison Blake

Played by Salli Richardson-Whitfield in Eureka.

via Screened

She’s a medical doctor, a Department of Defense agent and a super intelligent scientist. In later seasons of the show, she’s head honcho of Global Dynamics and later the Medical Director at GD. She’s also a caring mother. What else? Power suits. ‘Nough said.

via Screened

Again, a lover of men, but even though she gets married (or nearly married) multiple times over the course of the show, she never lets herself or her life be defined by her relationships.

Jo Lupo

Played by Erica Cerra in Eureka.

via Wikipedia

Beginning as the sheriff’s deputy and eventually becoming head of security at Global Dynamics, Lupo is a former soldier (U.S. Army Ranger or Special Forces…unclear due to continuity issues in the show). She’s the best marksman (marksperson?) in town, extremely capable at any physical challenge and super smart to boot.

via IMFDB

And she also loves her weapons. Oooh, baby, I’d support her right to bear arms any day.

Note: Again, Erica Cerra is Canadian, of Italian descent, playing a Latina character on American TV. See a pattern?

VIDEO: Unicorn Plan-It Episode 205 “Dinah Blow Your *Unicorn* Horn”

Hello cupcakes! It’s here! The moment you’ve all been waiting for! Welcome to the fifth episode of the second season of the most magical and hilarious webseries in all the land, Unicorn Plan-It. In Episode 205, our unicorn friends are exploring the different aspects and stages of dating. Harmony mentions carrying backpacks up mountains and we get a peek at J’s OKCupid profile,  all of which I believe are relevant to your interests.

So without further adieu, here it is, the episode you’ve been not-so-patiently awaiting:

UNICORN PLAN-IT is a tight little comedy best described as Modern Family meets The Office meets “a bunch of hot lesbians in Los Angeles.” Has anyone made a real comedy about that last one?

Three co-workers, one crazy boss and one enlightened fairy-tale-haired spiritual healer face the slings and arrows of everyday life as event planners and ladylovers.

This show is written, directed, produced and edited by Real Lesbian Females who want to make you laugh, make you proud of who you are and generally make your life better in every way. Who are these females?

The fantastic cast includes Haviland Stillwell (TV/Broadway Actress, recording artist, voice of Raquelle on Barbie: Life In The Dreamhouse), Ashley Reed (screenwriter/producer, playwright, once recorded a song for you), Sarah Croce (Actress, Miss April, Girl Talk, Fake-Whitney), comedian Sherri D. Sutton, and actors Amir Levi and Catherine Wadkins.

Season 2 also promises guest appearances by Oscar Nominee Bruce Dern (Big Love, Monster) and Deborah S. Craig (Hart of Dixie).

And for this season, Director K. Rocco Shields of WingSpan Pictures has joined the unicorn team!

Keep up with UNICORN PLAN-IT:

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“The Fosters” Episode 108 Recap: Ho Ho Ho, Lena’s Ex Is Coming To Town

It’s a new day in Mission Bay and the Fosters (which I often mistype as the Fisters) are in the garage cooking up meth!

I kid! They are in the kitchen again but that’s boring compared to family drug running. Stef is using her soft thoughtful voice to tell Callie that she is omnipotent and had Sarah taken from Liam’s home and hopes to get Liam in trouble with the law.

Promise me you’re not watching Mad Men without me.

Digression: Whenever I say “the law,” I think of that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes where that greasy sheriff says, “I’m the law and you can’t beat the law.”

They all sit down for dinner and Jesus puts ketchup all over whatever it is they are eating and Lena is mad because she made it from scratch. Ain’t no Hamburger Helper in the Great Lesbian Kitchen.

That ain’t ketchup

Digression: My partner makes amazing pork chops. She rubs them in herbs and grills them to perfection and then we watch in horror as our kids smother them in ketchup. We used to comment about it but that made dinner tense. Now, whenever I smell ketchup, I get tense. I am the Pavlov’s dog of lesbian mom.

We learn that Lexi is returning to school, that Brandon hates his piano teacher and Lena’s ex is coming to town! I just sang that last part to the tune of “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” for those who want to sing along at home.

Gay?

Next, we see Brandon playing the piano while his evil teacher looks on with the zeal of a sea slug. He stops Brandon and asks him why he is so void of passion and has such big bags under his eyes (my words – not his) and Brandon says, “I’m trying to get it right.” The teacher says, “And there’s your problem. You have to stop trying to get it right. I would rather you made a hundred mistakes than play it perfectly without risking anything.” This is not what I expected him to say and I love it and the piano teacher is now my spiritual advisor. I need him to sit by me and whisper this in my ear while I write.

once more with feeling

At Anchor School for Castaways, we see Wyatt and his lovely locks leaning against a post. When Callie told him to get lost last week, I had hoped it was forever but not all dreams come true. Callie asks if he’s mad and he sulks and tells her to go talk to Brandon because Wyatt is actually only 6 years old. Callie opens up a little bit about Liam and he tells her that it’s not enough and that she is “too screwed up.” People who live in foreclosed glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!

Tayla approaches Brandon and tells him she bought him tickets to see The Weepies before they broke up and she wants him to have them. She is not her usual mean self and I am incredibly forgiving so I want him to take the tickets but he doesn’t – probably because they’re not from Callie.

aww, tickets to magic mike. you shouldn’t have.

Lexi says hey to Jesus and he’s distant and I’m confused.

Moments later, Jesus and Marianna are in a bad neighborhood and we know it is bad because there are people with excess facial hair working on cars in their driveways and there is litter and a homeless man in an alley. Oh my! They are going to see Ana to tell her to back off which explains why he was being distant with Lexi. They knock and Ana answers and she is surprised to see Jesus and then gives him a giant hug. It’s sweet but you know it’s not going to end well. They go into the house and the kitchen is filthy. The stove is black with burned food and the sink and counter are full of dishes. I yell, “Don’t touch anything unless you brought hand sanitizer!”

Digression: I went into houses like this almost every day as an Adult Protection worker and, when they walked into that kitchen, I could smell it. A piece of advice: if you ever walk into a house like this and notice a bucket, do NOT look in the bucket. Never look in the bucket.

Ana is talking to the kids when a dirty guy comes in and I can smell him too. If you need smell-o-vision, he smells like cigarette smoke, body odor and old grease. I know you’ll be shocked but this guy is not a nice person. After he walks out, Ana asks the kids for money so that she can get away from him because he’s abusive. Jesus clearly feels bad for Ana but Marianna is not feeling it. She’s been down this “sell pills for birth mom and contemplate stealing from other moms” road before. They tell her no.

From drug den to cop car! Stef and Mike are on patrol and she tells Mike he looks like hell but he looks exactly the same to me as he always does – shiny and like his skin is too tight. Before she can say more, a car runs a stop sign and Mike takes off in hot pursuit! When the car hits a dead end, they get out of the car, pull their guns and say police things. Mike then pulls the guy out of the car and turns him around to cuff him but the guy bops him in the head and takes off. Stef runs after him and looks good doing so. She catches up to him, throws him to the ground and mounts him (in a non-sexual way, of course).

cool hashtag, ABC Family

Jesus is in his room on his laptop when Marianna comes in and tells him not to feel bad for Ana because she is manipulative but Jesus does feel bad for her. Marianna leaves and Lexi calls and he ignores it. When we see his laptop screen, he’s looking up women’s shelters. Jesus is a really good guy.

Digression: Where’s Jude? In the closet? We haven’t seen him all episode.

Brandon is practicing piano and Stef comes in and tells him she can hear the difference which is nice but I don’t know if she’s speaking the truth or speaking mom. Stef asks about Mike and Brandon tells her he’s drinking again and she notices he says “again” and he tells her that Mike drank a lot after the divorce. He also tells her that Mike once drove off the road with him in the car. Yikes. Don’t drink and drive, kids.

shoulda gone with suzuki

Mike and Stef are in the Captain’s office and as I type “Captain” I think “Hook” and now I can’t stop thinking about pirates. The Captain says, “Argh mateys! What happened?” Mike says, “Nothin’! The scallywag slipped through me hands!” Mike leaves and the Captain asks Stef for the truth but we don’t get to see Stef answer and I’m sad because I wanted to make her speak pirate!

Anchors away! At Anchor Beach, it’s algebra time and Brandon and Callie and Talya and every minor character we’ve seen so far have class together! The teacher steps out for a moment and shenanigans begin almost immediately. Some guys are giggling over a video and Talya asks what it is and one of the guys plugs it into the projector and the whole class gets to watch as Talya drinks beer, dances and strips. I knew that foreclosure party wasn’t going to end well for Talya. Brandon stops the video, Talya dashes out and Callie runs after to her. Talya has the weepies with a lower case “w” and Callie tells her that people will forget about it. The scene makes Talya very human and I forgive her for her horrible behavior in previous episodes and wish I could give her a hug and ask her if she knows her pants look like bandanas sewn together by inattentive monkeys.

The more attentive monkeys brush my hair 1000 times each morning.

Back at the police station, Mike is mad because Stef told the Captain that he’s been drinking too much rum and hanging out with parrots and now he’s assigned to a desk job.

While Stef argues with her ex-husband, Lena is dining with her ex-girlfriend, Gretchen. Lena doesn’t know why Stef is late and seems uncomfortable but Gretchen seems very comfortable. Gretchen asks Lena why she never got pregnant and says, “You always wanted kids.” Lena grits her teeth and says, “And I have them.”

This is a short, sweet exchange that says so much about how people perceive lesbian families.

#runStefrun

Then, Gretchen says, “Either your wife is here or there is a bachelor party going on!” and Stef enters in her cop uniform. Lena says Stef can’t drink in uniform and Stef starts taking off her cop top and I like where this is going and then tells the waitress she’ll have a martini “dirty” and Gretchen says, “Oh. I knew I was going to like you.” Then, they skip dinner and play strip poker.

Of course, they don’t.

Lena orders red wine and Gretchen tells the waitress that Lena can only handle Pinot and “can’t have anything full-bodied” and Stef says, “I don’t know about that.” Then, they both gang up on Lena. Gretchen is so deliciously awful.

At the house, the kids are fending for themselves – hunting/gathering/foraging for berries/eating pizza. Callie brings up Talya and asks Brandon to be nice to her. Then, he asks her if she’s with Wyatt and she says “not really.” I can’t really concentrate on any of this, however, because I am focused on the fact that Brandon warmed up his pizza in the microwave. Don’t we all just eat pizza cold? Can people weigh in on this?

Ed note: i microwave my pizza. so.

The ex marks the spot at the restaurant. Gretchen and Stef are laughing and then Gretchen mentions how much Lena hates guns and tells an adorable story about Lena once shooting guns with Gretchen’s dad and crying when she hit the target. She asks Stef if she’s ever shot anyone and Stef says she hasn’t and anytime anyone makes any kind of declaration in this show I get worried that it is clumsy foreshadowing.

Jesus tells Marianna that she was right about Ana but suggests they help her go to a shelter. Marianna says that Ana will only ask for more help. She tells him they can never go back and asks him to promise he won’t. He promises. Again with the declarations!

wait, this whole time i thought you were selena gomez

Gretchen, Lena and Stef are outside the restaurant waiting for the valet and Stef invites Gretchen to dinner at their house the next night. Gretchen eagerly accepts and then gets into her fancy car and drives away. Lena turns on Stef with wide eyes and says, “You were kinda ganging up on me!” and I say, “That’s exactly what I said Lena!” Stef doesn’t think they were and Lena says, “That’s why I don’t hang out with exes.” Lena then gets in her car and leaves. The valet says to Stef, “She said you’re gonna pay for it?” Stef says, “You’re telling me.” Perfect.

Digression: When I gave birth to my first baby, my first crush and my first girlfriend were in the room with my partner and me. Not all exes are bad.

i found the butt plug.

It’s the Teen Beach Volleyball Championships in which teenagers frolic on the beach and are captured on camera in random beautiful shots. Lexi spikes the ball into Jesus’ head and he’s unimpressed. Lexi is mad that he blew her off to see Ana and didn’t tell her and she’s feeling insecure because she’s undocumented and he tells her that he loves her just the same and I say WTF. Why would he feel differently about her just because she’s undocumented? She’s worried about getting caught and he says, “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. I promise.” Please see the two previous references to grand declarations. Duh duh duh.

Callie asks Wyatt to a movie and he says he has a thing and she uses one of his first lines on him, “When your thing gets boring, you know where to find me.” I hope he shows up at the theater in a formal gown!

i loved you in snow white and the huntsman

Jesus is back at Ana’s house and the scary guy answers and Jesus asks if Ana is there.

That night, Gretchen is at the Charming Craftsman for dinner. Marianna is the only kid at home and Gretchen is wowing her with tales of Justin Timberlake and George Clooney. Then, she talks about all the traveling that she and Lena did and Stef says they’ve travelled too and Lena says they went to Barstow where they stayed in a roach-infested motel and drank $2 prosecco. Stef says, “Only the best for you, my love.” I love how snarky they are with each other and I love how secure Stef is. Gretchen’s Clooney can’t hold a candle to Stef’s cheap prosecco. Everything is going well until Marianna mentions that Stef and Lena aren’t married. Lena says “Stef doesn’t believe in gay marriage.” I hate it when people say it like that, like gay marriage is the Loch Ness Monster of legal processes.

this is how lesbians have sex

Digression: I spent a great deal of my youth fascinated with the Loch Ness Monster and now we know why – I’m a gay.

Turns out, Lena’s always wanted to get married but Stef didn’t seem to know this.

Jesus is supposed to be at a movie with Lexi but Lexi texts Marianna and asks if she wants to hang out. Marianna is all, “Where’s Jesus?” Lexi says he was supposed to be at home and asks, “Where is he?” There will always be those who can’t find Jesus.

Gretchen, Lena and Stef are eating and there is this hilarious exchange:

Gretchen: “Lena broke up with me because I wouldn’t marry her.”
Lena: “I broke up with you because you weren’t monogamous!”
Gretchen: “Yeah, there was that.”
Lena: “And because you slept with my best friend!”
Gretchen: “And that.”

Everything gets tense and Gretchen suggests that she should leave and no one stops her. Exit Gretchen, stage right.

so who’s up for apples to apples

Lena says dinner was awkward and Stef says, “No one asked her to leave.” That’s a technicality, Stef. Stef is upset that, after 10 years with Lena, she didn’t know she wanted to get married. She mentions a proposal and a flashmob and I think Hot Cops from Arrested Development but all ladies but Lena ruins that vision and tells Stef, “Don’t be an ass.” Stef says, “Don’t tell me how to react!” Lez fight! Before it gets good, though, Marianna interrupts to tell them about Ana and Jesus. Marianna is crying and it should be this great moment because she’s finally telling the truth and showing concern for someone other than herself but I can’t think too much about that because Stef’s boobs look really good in that shirt. I see tan lines!

what do you mean they’ve legalized gay marriage since this episode was written

Stef opens the closet and takes her gun out of the safe and Lena says, “I can’t pay the rent!” and someone says, “You must pay the rent!” and Stef says, “I’ll pay the rent!” They’d all look so cute in those little handlebar mustaches but they didn’t really say any of this but Lena does wring her hands and say, “Don’t you think we should call the police?” and Stef says, “What do you think I am?” and shoves the gun in her pants. Rawr.

A scene of Wyatt and Callie making out in the theater interrupts my enjoyment of Hot Cop Stef and I am bitter.

baaaaarf

Talya and Brandon stroll and talk about The Weepies and piano and his teacher and how awesome he is and they decide to go out for coffee.

Stef drives up to the very dark crack house and, as she’s getting out, Mike drives up in that damn white mustang again and I cannot let go of that white horse imagery and it makes me crazy. Lena called him. They knock on the door, call out for Jesus and then enter because the door was ajar. They see drug paraphernalia on the table and pull their guns.

We then see the house from a distance and it lights up with 5 gunshots.

I blame Gretchen.

who’s at the door

Overall impression: I loved the dynamic with the ex. Loved it.

Favorite line: It was a tough call this week. I liked lots of lines but the winner is Gretchen with, “Either your wife is here or there is a bachelor party going on!”

Really? Did they have to do that?: The undocumented storyline with Lexi continues to be clunky. Also, can Wyatt disappear? Can he be kidnapped by a ring of rogue hairstylists?

“Orange Is The New Black” Episode 104 Recap: Who Gets To Sleep In The Wet Spot

And we’re back! Kicking things off with a gif of Alex asking you to be her little spoon, because all you ever wanted in life was to back your booty up into a criminal and snuggle until your sentence is up.

The actual episode starts out with Piper cleaning up Sue’s pee. Miss Claudette cannot believe she has to put up with this shit. Piper says she’s never cleaned up someone else’s urine before and girl, what?! Seriously? I can think of at least three or four times I have cleaned up urine that did not come from my own peehole. Not to mention all those times where you’re like, is it squirt, is it pee, who has to sleep in the wet spot, do we lay down a towel before sex since you squirt every single time now, I’m sorry I know it’s technically my fault I make you squirt, okay fine I’ll sleep in the wet spot, etc.

how was i supposed to know that sue was on yellow team at a-camp

But wait! It’s FFFLLLLAAASSSSHHHBBBAAACCCCKKKKK TIME. Preteen Claudette is riding an elevator with Late Teens (?) Baptiste. Claudette is clearly nervous and Baptiste is being really sweet to keep her calm, plus she’s never ridden in an elevator before. I hate elevators and typically get nervous unless I’m making out in them, so I feel her. It turns out that her parents owe some kind of debt, and she’ll be paying it off by working with other young girls in a cleaning service. Call it what you want to call it, but by all counts, it’s not a legal or moral form of work. It’s indentured servitude.

i sense a lot of displeasure with incompetence in my future

Did you guys say you like queer storylines? Well, that’s pretty cool, because we’ve got another queer storyline. Tricia, who is already complex because she’s really cute but fuck, those cornrows are appropriative, comes to Miss Claudette for a favor. Her girl Mercy is leaving prison, and she wants to throw her a going-away party. I say ‘her girl’ because in case you can’t tell by her general swagger and the way she sets her mouth sometimes, she is gaaaaaaaay. Miss Claudette says she only bakes cakes for religious reasons and is Tricia seriously comparing her girlfriend to Jesus right now. Tricia is like well, I do nail her a lot and it involves hands, so.

they say i make the girls speak in tongues, so

Then, straight out of nowhere and the far left field of dear christ no, Tricia offers sex in exchange for the cake. Trish, honey. No. Maybe offer to clean, or help in the kitchen. Do not try to grab Miss Claudette’s crotch.

Piper is at her shop class doing electrical things, which involves so much handling of tools. I guess I’ve been watching too much Wentworth because I was flabbergasted that they were allowed to handle so many objects that could be used to stab people in the face at any given time. This is a good moment to say that if you find Orange is the New Black a little too safe and bloodless for you, let me advise you to check out Wentworth, which involves really brutal shit but has a really hot lesbian named Franky who has the most unbelievable tension ever with the prison governor. Again, shit is brutal, the stories are dark, but great acting and hot lesbian plotline. Anyway.

I love Nicky. I seriously do.

How did Nicky get a hold of my undergraduate liberal arts thesis?! That crazy kid.

Piper really wishes she was in the education program instead of the technical program because she was a TA in college. Also, because she implies that she has so much to teach her fellow inmates, but OH HO HO wouldn’t you know that on this show, she’ll find out she’s the one with a lot to learn. Barney and Friends plot twist, y’all.

i’d rather be teaching a class on npr fundraising drives, thanks

Watson says that the work and pay here is absolute shit and yep, she’s right. The electrical teacher, who is clearly an asshole in the spirit of all the other guys who work here, puts her in charge of handing out the tools. And, in the continued spirit of all the other guys who work here, he calls her a monkey. Fucking hell, dude.

Mercy’s giving away her clothes, and lo and behold, it turns out one of her shirts was a gift from her ex-girlfriend, Big Boo. Boo doesn’t want her to give it away, but Mercy is pretty nasty about it. Boo says she should watch her back as she no longer wants her ass. I would argue that sometimes the back and ass are equally great because you can scratch a back and bite an ass and they’re both going to make very pleasurable situations, but I digress.

or bite your back and scratch your ass, i’m not picky

Hot second for my rare butch seriousness: I don’t know how I feel about the way they’re dealing with Boo on this show anymore. First of all, I’m psyched to see a full-fledged not even a teensy bit questionable butch on television, being her butchy self. So many times we get “but oh, she’s wearing pants and she’s sexually aggressive, so she must be the masculine one” in lesbian portrayals, and in walks Lea DeLaria with fucking ‘butch’ tattooed on her arm. But I feel like we haven’t actually moved past the punchline point. I get that Lea is a comedian and it would make sense to play to her strengths as a funny lady, but Boo gets one second of complexity and then bam, back to us not taking her seriously. That’s already a problem when we see butches on television, even if it’s a blink and miss the joke moment. I want this show to do better, I guess.

Piper goes for lunch and accidentally takes the screwdriver with her. This is like that time I shoved my strap-on into my pocket so my visiting mother wouldn’t see it and lo and behold, it was hanging out of my jacket by my afternoon class. Of course, there wasn’t a massive consequence for this besides everyone figuring out that my strap-on is a lovely shade of pearly violet. Not a prisonwide crackdown and an extension of sentencing, which is what Piper will face if the screwdriver is found. That said, I feel like this show needs more dildos.

Miss Claudette could go home early, but no, she is invested in remaining a latchkey inmate because the snacks are great. This is all to say that she doesn’t think her case is worth reopening.

What does this mean? It means it’s FFFFLLLAAASSSSHHHBBBAAACCCCKKKK time. Miss Claudette is much older and is now in charge of the slave orphanage cleaning service thing. Baptiste is visiting and he is also much older and even more handsomer. But even more handsomer Baptiste has brought his wife along who is not so much older but more on the younger and more beautifuler side of things. Trophy Wife is bitchy to Miss Claudette, who takes it with the silent coldness we have come to expect and respect in her character.

try me, padawan

Back in the electrical shop, Piper is being docked butch points for giving herself a shock while fixing a lamp. Just kidding, butch is not a narrow identity with concrete gender roles and occupational skills associated with it, so you can’t lose butch points because there are no butch points! Mind-blowing, I know!

Electrical shop guy calls Watson a monkey again and I literally don’t care if he shocks himself into death any time soon. Then everyone has to get down on the ground, and not in a sexy way.

i am all for watson punching the shit out of that guy

Bennett goes to get his chewin’ tobaccy and Daya is there, lying on the ground because it’s a drill of some kind. Daya asks if she can have some, only to find it is super gross. I’m not going to say I have partaken in the dip but I wouldn’t be a redneck son of a gun if I hadn’t tried it at some point and yeah, not exactly the best taste that’s ever been in my mouth. I think we all know what the best taste that’s ever been in anyone’s mouth is*.

* I look forward to your comments re: the taste of lady genitalia and your preferences therein.

Daya spits it out and then gets Bennett to pick it out of her teeth for her. Girl, you have already got him wrapped around your little finger and I’m all about that. Just try to kick that transphobia out of him while you’re at it, yeah?

**~~** sensual tobaccy **~~**

Meanwhile at Ye Olde Electrical Shoppe, a screwdriver is missing! We all know that Piper has the screwdriver because she’s a dipshit sometimes and that dipshitness went full throttle when she pocketed that screwdriver. Everyone is freaking out and everyone needs a strip search. Watson, who thus far has utilized an “I hate The Man and white supremacy and all your assorted bullshit” attitude that I greatly admire and support and agree with and feel will lead to big trouble in this establishment, gets in big trouble. She wants a female guard to strip search her, and they send her to SHU. Not the appropriate response, guards.

Piper and Nicky are waiting outside when they’re approached by Tricia. Tricia heard that Piper is booksmart and learned and she needs help with her appeal. Now that Mercy is getting out, Tricia wants to get out sooner rather than later because it’s pretty hard to U-Haul when one of you is still in the slammer. Piper says she’ll help, sure, and in the process of putting the appeal in her pocket, discovers she also has the missing screwdriver. Oh, Piper, you glorious dipshit.

i’ve seen your tumblrs. i know you all have crushes on tricia.

Piper runs back to her dorm freaking out about the screwdriver she is now in possession of and thus could possibly get five extra years for. Miss Claudette cannot believe she has to deal with this bullshit. Luckily Pornstache is super bad at doing dorm checks and more interested in making a shitty mess, so he misses the whole screwdriver in a pot thing. Miss Claudette says sneak it back onto the wall like nothing happened or so help her, baby Jesus.

Mercy’s going away party looks like it’s gonna be a barnburner because there’s toilet paper decorations. Who am I kidding, I have attended way too many parties where toilet paper was a crucial part of the decor. Boo tells Tricia that Mercy is gonna dump her ass just like she dumped Boo’s ass, and they have a little confrontation about the spit chain. Yep, this is exactly like every gay party I’ve ever attended.

Piper is attempting to get back to Ye Olde Electrical Shoppe to return the screwdriver but everyone is getting surprise pat downs. Piper decides her only option is to be courteous to Healy, which is turns out is the ultimate distraction since Healy a) takes compliments very well and b) hates lesbians a lot.

Piper hides the screwdriver back in her dorm under the bed because that’s her brilliant plan? Glorious darling dipshit. Meanwhile Boo et al show up wanting Piper to proofread their appeals because Piper is booklearned. I hope you are all pronouncing that as book-learn-Ed. Boo pulls a sneaky butch tactic and takes the screwdriver. Obviously after watching all of Wentworth, I anticipated Boo stabbing Tricia in the eye later. Miss Claudette asks Piper if the screwdriver is gone and she’s like yeah, duh, I’m not a total dipshit and I’m always honest!

is this how say yes?! good prison yes how

Meanwhile at the library, Taystee says the best line of the entire episode, mayhaps the show:

Alex and Nicky have a heart to lesbian heart, and Nicky is trying to get in on the Piper-Alex dramedy backstory. Alex says she hung around a college campus but didn’t go to college, and Nicky asks if that’s where the Piper stuff started. I’m picturing Alex roaming around the bars of Northampton, hitting on Smith undergrads whose panties are suddenly all in a tizzy. I’m all about this scenario. I’m also all about this blossoming friendship but not sure how I feel about anything else happening. Although I think we’ve all been in that situation where we’re either out of other options or not sure if we want to do or be our new friend, so. If it happens, my queer heart won’t be shocked.

i also know you all have crushes on alex because i’ve also seen all of your tumblrs so

And once more, the cells are being searched because the prison is freaked about the missing screwdriver. Piper confesses to Miss Claudette that she didn’t actually take care of the screwdriver, and Miss Claudette is like ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT. Luckily the screwdriver isn’t here because if you recall, Boo stole it to stab someone in the eye or something. Also Piper talks about the oppressive nature of being called Taylor Swift.

But FFFFLLLLAAASSSHHHBBBAAACCCKKKK to Miss Claudette discovering that one of her charges is covered in bruises. This can’t be good.

Back to the present day, and Ye Olde Prisone Partye. Taystee performs her spoken word poetry, and Taystee, I love you. I really do. Alex decides to cook her ramen at the same time as the party, which makes Tricia confront her about being totally uninvited from this shindig. Like, Tricia told Alex she totes couldn’t come at the beginning of math class and now Alex is there anyway? Total social suicide, who does that bitch think she is? This is middle school and there are rules of conduct.

Mercy and Tricia confess their commitment and start macking in the middle of the party. Red tells Boo there’s more catfish in the sea.

Piper and Nicky are having yet another priceless conversation. Piper asks Nicky if Alex has said anything about her because obviously today is middle school day at the prison. Nicky says that Alex said that Piper is a squirter.

I think it’s super cute when people are surprised/terrified of squirting. Remember on The L Word when Dana squirted and she was freaked the fuck out? Like, why are people shocked by this happening, and if you figure out how to do it, why are they only doing it once? Anyway, enough about my sex life.

Because we’re FFFFLLLLAAASSSSHHHHHIIINNNNNGGGGG BAAAACCCCKKKK. God, I am getting sick of typing all those letters. Claudette shows up to the girl’s assignment, and the man there seems to be surprised. We see her doing a great job cleaning up the man’s body because she stabbed that rat bastard dead. Claudette gets a flower crown this week, guys.

Back in the present, Claudette intercepts Tricia planting drugs in Mercy’s cell so that Mercy will be forced to stay. Not cool, Trish. I don’t care how badly you wanna safety scissor your lady – ruining her life is not exactly something I’d put under the definition of love. Miss Claudette tells her it’s “puppy love” and a) I’m really glad that someone as seemingly cold and super Christian as Miss Claudette recognizes lesbian love as legitimate, and b) tells Tricia to get her shit together.

Electrical shop dickhole buys a new screwdriver and sneaks it onto the wall so they’ll stop being suspicious. Wow, let’s let this guy run the prison from now on! Safety first, motherfuckers.

And now we see where the real screwdriver is – Boo is masturbating with it. I want to dissect this moment and talk about butch sexuality as grotesque portrayal, but I’m just going to say that this is a simultaneous facepalm and smile moment for me and anyone else who has waited forever and a day for butches to be sexual on television.

as someone who is allergic to latex, this looks like a nightmare

Claudette finds out that Baptiste is back, wants to see her AND that bitchy young pretty wife is dead. Oh ho ho, well then. Miss Claudette has plans. She tells Healy she wants to reopen her case.

Everyone says goodbye to Mercy. Boo says she’s sorry and there’s a moment where Boo is a genuine character and not comic relief, but if you blinked, you missed it. Mercy says she’ll wait for Tricia. They’re really cute, whatever.

And on that note of cuteness, tune back in (or you know, go back on your Netflix queue because you bitches all binge-watched this in one day, didn’t you?) for more lesbians in prison, more objects being put into holes, more vaginal wall art. Only the best.

Orange is the New Black: 7 Things We Should Talk About

The internet is currently filled with the love juices of thousands of queer-identified ladies wet for Orange is the New Black. Netflix has somehow managed to stay afloat and functioning, providing instant download for all to enjoy. Almost every queer lady status update I’ve read has mentioned being in the process of watching OITNB or professing their undying sexual attractions to a multitude of characters (a large chunk of them being hot in the pants for Poussey. -cough-).

Whenever something gets shared around my feeds in a frenzy, I step away. Lezbehonest: I’m skeptical of any media that is gleefully consumed without critique and anything wrapped in the sacred canopy of “there’s a pretty white girl on the teevee” also gets a fair degree of side-eye. But the ads for OITNB kept poking at me from bus stops on Fordham Road, to Autostraddle reblogs on Facebook and it’s not like I don’t have a thing for prison shows ( Scared Straight is that shit sometimes). So I gave in and decided to watch, mostly because Jenji Kohan is the creator of the show and I loved loved Weeds. Also, I’m always curious about the things that get white lesbians all a flutter. Tegan and Sara was a win for me, so why not OITNB?

Thank you, white lesbian culture.

It’s important to be super fucking aware of why a show or movie resonates so deeply with people and with ourselves. Is it really just lesbian representation that clicks a switch or is it a mixture of groundbreaking television and old school tropes that no one dares to dismantle? And it’s not just about dismantling the patriarchy, it’s about responding to art. That’s why part of the reason why people create, right? To evoke emotions, thoughts, fucking feelings from the people around them. I’ve got mad feels, ya’ll.

Real Quick: A Legend for the nicknames I gave to characters from OITNB

Piper = Main Character White Girl
Alex = That 70’s Show
Nichols = Wild-eyed Junkie Lyonne
Larry = Nebbish Boyfriend
Daya, Maria, Gloria, Flaca, Maritza, Aleida etc = Latin@ Clique
Tricia = Cornrows

Seven Things from OITNB That Deserve Some Real Talk

1. Of course, the main character is a pretty blonde white female with access to wealth! (even if that money belongs to other people.)

This isn’t even the fault of Orange is the New Black. This shit is just life. Close your eyes and tell me about your favorite show where the lead actress was/is a Native American, Dominican, Mixed-race or something other than white. Now name a show that isn’t Scandal. It’s ok. Like I said this is just another instance of a good show where I just have to nod my head and accept the fact that it’s about a white woman and her friends and her life experience. Yes, Virginia, there are other characters on the show that get a shot of screen time but our real emotional investments are to be centered on this one character. Now unless I limit myself to watching Univision and BET for the rest of my life, a white female lead usually opens the door to characters of color.

Sooki led us to Tara and Lafayette.

Angela gave us Ricky.

I was going to finish this up with a picture of the cast of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman but I felt like that would be overkill.

2. Prison makes Piper talk to Brown People.

Do you think if this was a show about Main Character White Girl’s Life with Nebbish Boyfriend there’d be any POC characters involved in a nuanced way? Nope-ity Nope Nope, my friends. Main Character White Girl has to engage with people like Sue, Poussey and Taystee and the whole Latin@ Clique because they’re all doing a bid together. The reason this show can dive into characters of color so deeply is because in prison (TV prison, I’m referring to TV prison because I’ve never been to prison and don’t want to assume anything about that life) even though people are segregated by race, they still have to deal with each other. That’s the reason we can even have this discussion or this show because it’s set in a prison. Also, the prison system set up in OITNB also allows for all of the characters to experience an equality of sorts. None of the POC are in service to Main Character White Girl; they’re not her maids, sassy co-workers/underlings, nannies, or someone that makes her coffee at Starbucks (oh hi, Lena Dunham). They’re in prison just like her and bam Main Character White Girl, welcome to the first time you’ve probably ever had lunch at a table with a group of black women.  Just like take that in… even if it doesn’t mean anything to you, just sit with that shit for a minute.

So we’re supposed to give a fuck that you’ve got problems?

And to be clear, again it’s not just an OITNB thing, it’s a life thing. People of color and white people seem to only exist on shows together within certain genres: Crime/Justice System, Reality Housewives TV, Hospital Dramas and Sesame Street.

3. Stereotypes are delicious and uncomfortably real.

I wanted to be mad about Daya getting pregnant, like damn of course the Latin@ folks are the only characters with pregnancy as part of their storylines because all we do is pop out babies, ya’ll. Opp! I just popped out another one while writing this. But then it’s like — why does that upset me so much? It’s not like it isn’t part of real life. Lots of cousins, lots of pregnancies and babies and baby showers and oohh they’re having another baby and oohh she’s pregnant again, lots of tears in delivery rooms and it’s a beautiful thing. Am I playing into some unchecked shame shit? Like the media has framed stories about pregnant women of color in such a way that I’m embarrassed to see it on television? Is that a thing? Or am I justified in wishing that the pregnancy storylines weren’t just for the Latin@ folks? I don’t know. What are we supposed to do when we see stereotypes that aren’t completely ridiculous and speak to elements of our everyday lives? I don’t know all the things.What do ya’ll think?

How does it feel to see Poussey and Taystee interacting with each other in a way that can be considered a stereotypical representation of black female friendship? I’m caught between loving them and wondering why this is the most visible way a relationship between black women is portrayed.

that’s love, ya’ll.

4. Class divisions trump whiteness

Pensatucky gives Main Character White Girl that “you ain’t no kin of mine” look in every single episode. I love that there is a place in this show where whiteness isn’t a free pass to friendship or loyalty. Can we talk about class for a second? Like how people like Main Character White Girl and Pensatucky are also pretty much never on the same TV show and don’t often party in the same bars in real life? What is it like to talk about “white privilege” when you’re living below the poverty lines and addicted to meth/heroin etc?

5. Main Character White Girl seems to be the only person in this prison with a life worth returning to on the outside.

The fuck? First of all, the whole Latin@ clique seems to either be related to each other or just happy as hell to be up in that bitch, so no cares about getting out. Poussey and Taystee are in love or something so no need to be freed. Obviously, the situation Taystee faced outside of the legal system is super real: no home, no family, no job prospects etc. Kohan is seriously a master at weaving real life throughout this show BUT it still all fits into this strange narrative that only Main Character White Girl has a real life. She is the one that needs to be saved. Listen, I get that it’s based on the adventures of the real Main Character White Girl that went to jail but the only reason a memoir like that blows up is because innocent white girls are not supposed to go to prison. Tell me a memoir about someone like Tastyee that gets a movie, TV show and book club… and if you say Precious...

6. Why aren’t the QWOC getting any action??

And by action, I mean sex. This is kind of like “Queer-Baiting: The QPOC edition.” So Cornrows and her boo get to smooch, Wild-Eyed Junkie Lyonne gets to smash her hands down That 70’s Show’s pants and Main Character White Girl gets her church freak on but but… no ladies of color get down with the get down? Sue’s sexuality is dismissed by Main Character White Girl because Sue is scary and not gentle and not a pretty soft unicorn lesbian. None of the Latin@ folks are dykes (just yet). Sophia’s relationship with her wife makes me weep every time they’re on screen together. And we also have the tender unspoken thing between Poussey and Taystee, as far as love representation goes. But why aren’t the black and brown queermos having sex on this show? I’d like to see some bodies like mine tangled up sweaty naked awesome. Main Character White Girl and That 70s Show do nothing for me.

I am bored.

7. The Implosion of White Privilege (Spoiler Alert, weirdos.)

THAT LAST EPISODE. HOLY SHIT. And when it was over, all I could think was “so that’s what happens when a white person is stripped of all of their white privilege”. SHE KILLED A BITCH. (Or, almost killed a bitch.) Main Character White Girl’s whiteness no longer held any weight. Her pretty little face, assumed innocence and NPR connections couldn’t be used in any way, not to give her another chance or to save her life. In that moment, Main Character White Girl realized that the world gave not one fuck about her and she was gone.

Wait, what? No one’s gonna save me? Did everyone forget that I’m a White Woman in the United States?

So those are all of the major serious feels for Orange is the New Black. Look, yo, like I said, the show is pretty awesome. I love the diversity of characters and the sex and all the shit that lots of people dig about this show. But does that mean I have to watch it without critique? Whenever something awesome or momentous is given a critical eye, people freak out! Like “CAN’T WE JUST HAVE SOMETHING? WITHOUT YOU HATING ON IT” kind of freak out… and like, chill. Sure, we have good things, good TV things but why not have some feelings too? If art can’t create dialogue within communities, then what is it good for? What are some of your  inflammatory feelings? Are you feeling defensive or like this whole article is on some bullshit? Do you give one fuck about the show that almost every queermo you know is rightfully in love with? Orange is the New Black gives me some hope for the future of multi-representational media. Hope is good, ya’ll.

“Orange Is The New Black” Episode 103 Recap: Lesbians Are Very Dangerous

Let’s just go right ahead and kick off this recap with a gif of Alex. Let’s make that a thing that we do, okay? Okay. This one comes to us courtesy of tumblr user ladyadventuress, and it’s a great way to respond to homophobes, crazy exes, and all those angry men whose girlfriends you’ve stolen over the years.

Hey queermos, what time is it? FFFLLLAASSSSHHHBBAAACCCKKKKK TTTIIIMMMEEEEE!

We’re in the burnt-out ruins of a house. A firefighter is taking cell phone photos of financial documents leftover from the fire. I smell fraud. It smells like burnt toast, or the charred blackened ruins of my soul in the wake of Bomb Girls being canceled. Yes, it’s still a war zone in there, and yes, my heart still bleeds Betty McRae. Which reminds me: If you’ve swept through this show like a sapphic tornado and are looking for more lesbian shows to consume in your natural disaster-like state, please download both seasons of Bomb Girls and then join the rest of us in our emotional prisons.

But back to the ffffflllllaaassshhhhhbbbbaaaccckkkkk. The same firefighter is getting changed post-fire situation, and wow, isn’t that the cutest bra ever? Maybe I’m biased because I love a girl who can rock even the tackiest pink lingerie. We realize this is Sophia, and then we flash forward to her current amazing self.

i make no apologies for gratuitously photoshopping crowns onto sophia as she is amazing

Pornstache is ogling Piper while she gets changed. Yes, that’s his character’s name. Pornstache is one of those interesting blends of misogynistic nasty and comedic relief that this show does pretty darn well; he’s such a caricature of macho bullshit that he’s almost completely neutered in terms of his threat to the prisoners, but he has his moments where you feel the shitstorm of patriarchal rape culture he represents. This is one of those moments.

We find out how the prison divides up its prisoners and surprise, it’s by race. Nicky calls Piper out on being afraid that she could be bunking near Alex soon. Nicky sees your dyke drama and she calls you on your dyke drama, and that’s the sign of a true lesbro.

Piper needs to pee but ah, the blasted Satan stall is taken. Yes, there is a stall occupied by a woman talking to the devil. Yes, it is the only stall with a door on it. As someone who had to strategically plan their shits around perfect timing and hidden campus bathroom locales, I cannot imagine the hell that is completely non-private bathrooms. Ladies, don’t tell me you have not done this either. I don’t know at what point I internalized the socially popular fact that girls don’t poop, but damn, it is hard to shake.

Sophia is also in the bathroom, and she lets Piper know the 411 on the bathroom situation. She also shows off her homemade duct tape flip-flops.

She is amazing, and I’m in love with her, whatever.

Sue (or Crazy Eyes, but I’ll refer to her as Sue because I have a lot of feelings about this character and her dehumanization) comes in as Piper is peeing. Sue is making romantic eye expressions at Piper during said peeing. I can see how this might be awkward. To make it less awkward, I’ve inserted a cat into this scene, as cats improve everything that could possibly go bad for a homo.

i don’t think the cat worked

Bennett, who is the nice cute guard, is talking to Pornstache, the creepy misogynistic guard, about having sex with the prisoners. This is ironic because Bennett has that nice cute little thing going with Daya, and Pornstache is an uninformed idiot who thinks when ladies are kept together in a small space and deprived of dick, they go mad for the hetero sex. Buddy has clearly never been to a women’s college or Girl Scout camp. Pornstache makes a move on Sophia, and she turns his ass down as she is incredible and I love her.

Pornstache and Bennett have a moment discussing Sophia, and wow, Bennett, way to be a transphobic piece of shit? I can’t tell if he’s trying to fit in by talking some macho transphobic bullshit, or if those are his real feelings, but wow, okay, no. Even Pornstache doesn’t talk that kind of shit about Sophia, despite totally objectifying her and focusing on her genitalia. Bennett, I know you were in Afghanistan and have a nice cute face, but your words are neither nice nor cute and I am judging you and your moves super hard from now on.

now all i can think about is blade runner

Sophia is in line for her meds, only to find out they have cut her off her regular hormone treatments. The pharmacist tells her she’ll need to talk to her counselor about this Grade A bullshit. Oh, she will talk to her counselor alright.

Watson, one of the new inmates, has been assigned to bunk with Miss Claudette. If you recall, no one fucks with Miss Claudette even more than no one fucks with Red, and Watson goes right ahead and fucks with Miss Claudette. We assume this will not be ending well for Watson.

Piper is picking up her new uniform. Alex is there, too, looking like her usual hot snarky self. Alex remembers Piper’s shoe size because anyone in a lesbian relationship knows that you memorize your partner’s shoe size by the second date. Hello, you need to know your optimum clothing-borrowing options. Why rock one flawless dyke wardrobe when you can combine your powers and rock two-in-one?

Piper is going for a run on the prison track, which is somehow still nicer than any of our athletic fields at Catholic school. I guess the prison system cares more about fitness than the Pope? Sue catches up with Piper and recites a poem she wrote for her. I wish I could say that writing poems to woo girls is not something I have done multiple times in my life, but that would be a lie. I have written a lot of poems pre- and post-sex. A lot. Piper is not really into what the poem implies, and brings up her fiance. Sue doesn’t give a shit about your heteronormative institutions, Piper.

Unfortunately, the track is being closed due to budget cuts, and Piper and Sue are informed that their swirling must be taken elsewhere. I hear swirl and all I can think about is how deprived I am of soft serve ice cream.

Sophia tells Healy that she needs her hormones, no ifs, ands or buts. Healy says she can’t see a doctor unless it’s an emergency. She does this, courtesy of pipeschapman‘s gifs:

I just want to kiss her face because everything she does makes me love her even more.

Piper’s sitting alone at lunch until Alex tries to sit down across from her. Oh, Alex. Unpopular opinion: Alex, you can do so much better. Sue notices this development and asks Piper if Alex is bothering her. Alex is just trying to have a conversation about boundaries or whatever, but Piper takes this opportunity to say that yes, Alex is totally bothering her, and she’s a meanie. I’m not sure Piper knows what she’s dealing with, but it soon involves the throwing of pie and Sue calling Piper “her wife.” I wish throwing pastries at people’s faces was all it took to get gay married these days. I might actually have a wedding if I just got to throw pie at my wife’s face and then eat a lot of it.

You know what? On second thought, you’re all invited to my wedding, where I will be throwing and eating lots of pie.

Sophia gets to see the doctor because there’s a corgi bobblehead in her colon, and she finds out that they’re now taking her off her hormones entirely because they fear liver damage. Sophia knows this is bullshit and calls the situation on its bullshit, but the doctor isn’t budging. I’m ridiculously pissed for her at this point.

But what time is it? FFFLLLLAAAASSSSHHHBBBAAACCCCKKKKK TTTIIIMMMMEEEE.

This flashback made me cry, so please prepare yourself for the crying. Sophia is trying on outfits, and her wife is trying to help. Crystal tells her she needs to look like a mature lady, and gives her a less teenage-girl-vibes dress. Crystal pleads with Sophia to at least keep her penis if she’s going to go through with the surgery, and the conversation is one that’ll rip out your heart. You can see Sophia’s inner struggle to honor her own needs and identity while simultaneously wanting to make her wife and family happy. When Sophia and Crystal kiss, their son walks in on them, and quickly leaves in a huff. Yeah, my heart is breaking all over the place on this one.

bb

Piper calls Larry and they have a fairly hilarious conversation where Larry slowly and sexily describes the organic fair trade groceries to her. Oh, yuppies. What would we do without you? NPR probably wouldn’t be funded, for one. Then Larry attempts to move into the realm of actual phone sex, which crashes and burns for him because Piper would rather listen to a description of buffalo mozzarella than contemplate sex with Larry. I’m with you, Piper. I will listen to someone graphically describe the contents of their gym locker over a graphic description of hetero sex. Am I biased? Yeah, I’m biased, and these recaps are biased, but if you came to a lesbian site and don’t want me to show a lesbian bias, then I don’t know what you expected.

Daya’s new roommate does not want her posting her art on their walls. Bennett says the art is allowed. Bennett, you’re being nice and cute now, but that does not excuse your bullshit transphobia earlier and you will be on watch.

and maybe later you can draw me like one of your french girls

Piper gets a visit from Polly and Piper’s mom. Piper’s mom is everyone’s favorite brand of WASP mom with Tory Burch Limited Edition Stick up her ass, and makes this conversation about Piper’s dwindling fertility. Polly seems pissed at Piper for not being present during business decisions, which okay, we’ll hand it to her, Piper going to jail at the start of their joint business venture is a shit situation that is technically Piper’s fault. And Piper’s contribution to all of this is that she really doesn’t want a prison wife.

In Red’s kitchen, it is noted that vegetables that could be doubled for dildos have been disappearing. Woooooow. I look forward to your defensive comments re: using vegetables for dildos. Sophia tells Red that she needs estrogen, but Red’s not going to start pushing estrogen, despite the fact that we are to assume her kitchen deals in a lot of other substances. Red does say she’ll give her some natural solutions to low estrogen, which is very 1970s wiccan lesbian of her.

a problem we can all relate to, i’m sure

FFFLLLLAAASSSSHHHHBBBBAAACCCCKKKKK to Sophia buying sneakers with her son Michael. Michael is a little man after my own heart, as I too am a sucker for expensive shoes that appeal to boys. Sophia has a lot of credit cards in her wallet, and I’m willing to bet they are not all hers. An old firefighter friend recognizes Michael, and then does a doubletake at Sophia. The exchange is awkward and sad, and sends Michael running out the door. Again, why does my heart have to hurt this much?

Piper goes to see Healy, only to find out that there’s been a request for her and Sue to bunk together. And if we know anything about Healy and lesbianism, well. Here’s a priceless set of lines:

Um.

Anyway. FFFFLLLLAASSSSHHHBBBAAACCCKKKKKKK. Piper is applying for a job at a bar where Alex just so happens to be drinking with her friends. If I recall, this was the era of long corduroy pioneer skirts at H&M (which I owned in dark brown, whatever, middle school was fun) so her pioneer outfit is right on track. Alex is really working that circa 2003 rockabilly riot grrrl thing, and I just don’t understand how there isn’t a line of girls waiting to smash their mouth into her mouth at all times. Piper orders a margarita and Alex comes over and tease-flirts her. Oh man, I love tease-flirting. That’s my brand of flirting right there.

and by that i mean the ability to handle at least one fist

Back to life, back to reality. Larry is hanging out with Piper’s brother, who is pulling a Lars and the Real Girl except with more banjos. They talk about masturbating until you’re about to orgasm, and then stopping yourself. Apparently this is called edging and it sounds like the most miserable shit in the world. I look forward to your defensive angry comments re: the benefits of edging.

Piper now has prison money to spend at the prison store, so she’s handing out prison presents in return for past prison favors. Prison Christmas has come early this prison year! Sue’s there to visit her prison wife, but Piper takes her aside and explains that she definitely can’t be prison married because she’s got a not-prison future husband and she’s really prison sorry. Sue seems to take this a little too well, so we can assume this will blow up gloriously at a later time.

am i good prisoner yet is this how be good prisoner

Sophia is at her visitation with Crystal, and she’s begging Crystal to sneak in estrogen for her. Crystal does not react well, and tells her she’s not going to risk the penalties. There’s a lot to her critique that sounds like the typical “your trans* identity and its needs are all selfish pursuit” rhetoric, and that hurts my damn heart. Crystal tells Sophia to “man up” and come home to their son. God fucking damn it.

Miss Claudette gets Watson kicked out, because again, you don’t fuck with Miss Claudette. We don’t yet know why Miss Claudette is a) a total badass and b) feared by everyone in the prison, but definitely look forward to our finding out.

There’s a scene involving Larry and masturbating to porn, but we won’t be talking about it here. Things this recap doesn’t give a shit about: Straight guys jerkin’ it. Big ol’ what to the ever.

Piper runs into Alex in the bathroom, and confronts her about Alex naming Piper and thus getting her thrown in prison. Alex denies this, but also points out that Piper was conscious of what she was doing, even excited by the possibility of being a bad girl for a while. She kind of has a point, guys. I get why Piper is mad at her, but I also don’t get why Piper is acting like an innocent girl who did nothing wrong when she was just as guilty and conscious of her decisions as Alex. Alex, I love you, I want you to be happy and continue being the grey area badass you are, but damn you could probably do better. I will still root for this if you want this to happen, but honey. Your fellow top thinks you need a more considerate bottom.

in the biblical sense! in multiple positions!

Daya and Bennett have a moment. God damn everything, I do not know how I feel about this anymore.

Piper calls Larry and tells him to find out if Alex is the one who snitched on her. Larry says okay, but clearly little buddy is starting to pick up on the fact that his fiancee is awfully obsessed with her ex-girlfriend. Some day this will all make sense, Larry.

Piper gets reassigned as Miss Claudette’s roommate! This could either be terrifying or really wonderful for all parties involved.

and i hold a pride parade here once a year, very popular

Sophia sees Pornstache has just traded a blow job with an inmate for drugs. This triggers a FFFLLLAAASSSHHHBBBAAACCCKKKKK to Sophia getting arrested in her home. Her son Michael is sitting on the stairs with her wallet, and I think we’re supposed to assume he somehow was the one who got her arrested? Urgh. Little pains in my heart all over the place.

Back to the modern dayo, and Pornstache is straight up propositioning Sophia. Thank goddesses she turns him down, and I just want to give her a gigantic hug and a flower crown and take her away from this shit mess. The panic in her face when she’s tweezing her chin in the mirror…phew.

Later that evening, Piper and Miss Claudette are snuggled like two bugs in a prison rug, when surprise! Surprise urination on floor courtesy of Sue! Oh, that’s really lovely. Part of me was kind of like, well, it’s a linoleum floor and it’s just pee, but then I realized that the cells don’t come with paper towels and Swiffers.

this no how be good prisoner

Pretty Little Liars 406: Under the Gay Fiddle

Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, a one hour Netflix original show about lesbians trying to survive and get their lady grind on while in prison. Actually, that really will be what this show is about if Hanna doesn’t get her shit together. All four Liars behind bars trying to get by in prison. I would so watch that show.

We open on Rosewood where Badass Lezzie Detective is interviewing Hanna about the whole carrying a concealed weapon without a license and trying to bury it in the ground thing. Yeah. That whole little thing.

So what do you think about the hitachi magic wang? I think it’s a real crotch rocket.

Hanna’s not squaking though.

Because you weren’t carrying any condoms.

Oddly, no one explains how or why the police tracked Hanna to the woods on a random college campus. Hanna’s folks finally show up and announce, much to the surprise of basically no on in the audience, that the police have taken the gun for testing to see if it’s related to Wilden’s murder. It will be. Cue the dramatic music and cut to the intro.

Wild’n Out is still on TV? Who told Nick Cannon he was still famous?

Ever since that dead pig in the trunk I’ve been pretty unimpressed with the dramatic moments before the credits. I think they should do a cold open with Emily and Paige scissoring and have Samara walk in right before the big finish. Now that would be gasp worthy.

That afternoon, Emily and Hanna chat on the phone about what deep shit Hanna is in. Emily thinks Hanna should tell her mom about A. Hanna thinks Emily should tell her mom about her extensive vintage vibrators collection she has stuffed under her bed. No one is telling their moms anything.

This is worse than that time I farted during sex.

Just then, Shana walks into Emily’s locker room for her weekly meeting of the Pennsylvania Junior Lesbian Swim Champions Alliance. Oddly she’s wearing a Rosewood High track jacket. Looks like she transferred mid-year to swim for a better team. You know, to replace Emily. Also she forgot to bring snacks for the meeting and it was specifically her week to bring snacks!

I’m here for the swimming dykes! Let me show them how to breast stroke!

Hanna hangs up the phone on her end and, after a few minutes of gently reorganizing her perfume collection, her father walks in. Tom wants to know why Hanna stole his gun and brought it to a sorority party. I want to know if Tom understands that this is what happens when you keeps guns in your house. Hanna fesses up to finding it in her mom’s things. Everyone thinks Ashley is guilty.

I must! I must! I must increase my bust!

At the Life Cafe, Spencer and Aria look longingly into each other’s eyes and plan out their future girl band named The Brunettes. They also toy with the names The Wavy Haired Duo and Lip Gloss Poppin’ Mamas. It’s a work in progress.

Just so we’re clear, I only want The Brunettes to play Stevie Nicks covers.

Aria tells Spencer that she and Emily need to be team players and get over their fight. I agree.

Med students at trivia night

Also the coffee is bad.

Oh Spencer warn me when you store your sperm samples in coffee mugs.

Emily shows up and as part of her new commitment to playing the raging dyke character, is in a bad mood. She’s sort of mad about Hanna’s arrest and Shana’s reappearance in Rosewood. Mostly she’s mad about the terrible disgusting no good coffee. Why? Because she has to train the new guy at the cafe on how to make a decent latte. A guy. A man guy male. Ew boys.

You think you have it bad? I have a hot girlfriend I haven’t kissed in two episodes.

Also Emily is super stressed out because she has to plan the Life Cafe’s Open Mic Night aka Lesbian Speed Dating.

IDGAF.

Since Emily hates the patriarchy she sends resident Man Charmer Aria over to teach the new boy how to properly get foamy IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. He’s “Mike’s Friend Connor” and when he isn’t playing lacrosse or making terrible espresso drinks, he’s trying to pass English. Which he needs help with. From Aria the Man Charmer Writer Extraordinaire. He wants to get all up in Aria’s brain with a little tutoring session.

It just occurred to me that Mike is supposed to be two years younger than Aria. So this guy is like 15 or 16. Which makes him 10 years younger than me. 10! That feels like a lot for a character who is trying to scam a date with Aria.

This is what it will look like when we finally overthrow the patriarchy and start a lesbian colony on mars.

Meanwhile, Emily and Spencer make up and sneak off to the rear of the shop to have bathroom sex.

As though you needed any other proof that Spencer’s a top.

Back over at Hanna’s, the three Marins try to sort out what’s what. They’re all just sort of sitting around the house waiting. It feels like when someone has just died and you don’t know what to do but sit and wait for the funeral.

Just look at what this has done to your daughter! She’s two weeks behind on True Blood and hasn’t washed her hair in days!

Here’s what the different family members are saying:

+Tom: My gun went missing after we spoke
+Hanna: I found dad’s gun in your closet while looking for your shoes
+Ashley: I threw my shoes out but I never brought a gun into the house or killed Wilden

Gosh they’re stories are so inconsistent! If only there was something that could explain this. Some person running around Rosewood framing people. Someone who sends threatening text messages maybe. Duh. It’s A.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Speaking of A, our favorite little lesbo sociopath Mona is finally back on the scene!

I’m back bitches, and I just got my hair done.

She rolls up to the Life Cafe, much to the displeasure of the Liars. They’re probably just pissed because she’s wearing her hair straight and they’re all wearing it wavy.

I don’t know what they want from me it’s like the more mona we come across the more problems we see

Mona spills the beans about TobAy taking her MonA-Mobile. Spencer’s got no defense. Doesn’t Spencer know the old saying? Liars before Desires.

Three brunettes, six boobs, no smiles.

Aria and Emily storm out and head over to Emily’s house in a rage.

…cup

Just then, Hanna calls Emily from the most adorable pink room phone I’ve ever seen. She gives orders that none of the Liars are to squeal about A under threat towards both of her parents.

Baby-Sitters Club, Stacey McGill speaking.

As she hangs up, she overhears Ashley and Tom fighting. Ashley tells Tom that she asked for money because she was trying to pay Wilden to leave town. She did take his gun, but only for protection. Ashely confronted Wilden but he took the gun from her and she ran away.

Honestly, maybe prison won’t be so bad. I’ve been watching this great series called Orange is the New Black. It looks like there’s plenty of places to go have girlsex. I think it’s a documentary.

Just then there’s a knock at the door. Who’s at the door?

It’s Caleb!

That’s right, our third favorite lesbian has finally returned from A-Camp where he spent his days meeting queer women and having all the mountain feelings. His first point of business was, of course, to check in on his codependent potentially criminal girlfriend. Awww. Unfortunately Tom won’t let Caleb into the house. He doesn’t want any competition for the role of 40-something year old man of the house.

Listen son, I don’t know what nation you appropriated that jacket pattern from but we’re not having any of that nonsense in this house.

Did someone say boyfriend? Spencer has hers over for a shitfight about stealing the MonA-Mobile. He’s all blah blah blah my mom, blah blah blah I’ll never know what happened.

Are you seriously taking away from Paily screen time right now?

I don’t care about the plight of cave men.

Over in a story line I care marginally more about, Aria and Mike’s Friend Connor go over his essay. You know it’s bad because he cites Wikipedia and Cliffsnotes. Aria mentions Faulkner so I hope he’s writing about The Sound and the Fury. You guys don’t know this about me, but I love The Sound and the Fury. It’s part of my sick misguided love of American literature written by dead white guys. I know. I’m the problem.

Oh I see it now. The problem here is that instead of analyzing The Odyssey you recapped the plot of Disney’s Hercules.

As the two work, Mike walks through the living room on his way out the door looking not a day over 25. Seriously I think he aged 10 years in the last 24 hours. Sadly he’s still slut-shaming Aria over dating Fitz, so he barely speaks to her as the door hits his ass on the way out.

Rosewood White Guy #483

Elsewhere Emily swings by Hanna’s house with her homework. Just kidding it’s only a scam to get inside pants– I mean bedroom– so they can process all the feels. We’re treated to a visual metaphor in the contrast between Emily’s shiny perfect hair and Hanna’s unwashed mop top. I think.

But I know you’d really rather being studying our Chemistry.

Emily actually just wants the footage of Ashley running over Wilden with her car, followed by Jenna and Shana helping him off the street. Emily claims she wants to submit it to the police to get Jenna and Shana named as new suspects. Just to help Hanna. I think we all know Emily is just scared of what will happen if Paige and Shana get too much bathing suit time together. We all know Paige can’t resist a girl in a Speedo.

And the dildo was this big!

Hanna is super not interested in handing over that disc drive. I mean, it basically makes her mom look guilty anyways. Plus nothing bad has happened with it yet, so it’s probably best to leave it where it is. But Emily knows how to get to Hanna and with a few winks and rubs in the right place she wins her over.

I am never performing analingus.

pweety pweety pwease?

Okay fine but we’re using a barrier.

Besides, now we get tot see how smart Hanna’s disc drive hiding spot is!

A new makeup line: Sneak by Sephora

Back over in Faulknerland, Mike’s Friend Connor finally packed up his stuff to leave. He suggests they do it again over a cheeseburger. You know, some essay editing followed by a date. Aria’s a bit oblivious though, and she’s not picking up what Mike’s Friend Connor is laying down. Actually, Mike’s Friend Connor goes for the tongue kissing right there and then!

This is so awkward.

Aria is disgusted and shocked. Mike’s Friend Connor probably should have asked for Aria’s consent in the first place and this whole mess could have been avoided. It’s the beauty of consent. Consent means never having to kiss someone who doesn’t want to be kissed, and isn’t that what life is all about?

I prefer Spencer’s soft lady kisses.

The next morning we start off in the police office. Emily sneaks around pretending to hang signs for the Open Mic Night, but actually she is just dropping off the DVD of the Wilden car crash situation.

Featuring WIlden’s 1970’s gay porn career. Mustaches included.

I hope A swaps it for the first disc of Season 1 of the L Word. I’m sure Badass Lezzie Detective will love that.

I do love that Bette Porter character

Emily works her way back to school where she and Caleb have some hawt dyke tension.

But I was totally grossed out because, ew boys.

“Orange Is The New Black” Episode 102 Recap: Punchin’ Titties 101

We’re kicking off our second Orange is the New Black recap with this gif of Alex. You’re welcome.

Okay. Dry off your panties, because it’s FLAAASSSHHHBBAAACCCKKKK TIME.

Red and her husband used to run a restaurant/cafe/bakery that’s frequented by the Russian mafia. Red’s husband says that it’s a good idea for her to be extra friendly to their wives, if you know what I mean. Alas, I don’t mean sexy friendly. I’ve seen Eastern Promises, I know how this shit goes down.

and the way it goes down is aragorn helps the lesbians kill all the bad guys and secure marriage equality!* (*not actually the plot of eastern promises)

Flash forward to Ye Olde Lesbiane Jaile Kitchene. Remind me later that adding ‘e’ to the end of all these words isn’t really working anymore.

Red is pleased to hear that Piper did not enjoy her tampon breakfast sandwich. I would be worried if Piper had enjoyed her tampon breakfast sandwich, but I once heard rumor of a friend of a girlfriend of a friend who mixed her Diva Cup contents with her food on occasion, so. To each their stomach-turning own!*

*I look forward to your angry defensive comments re: the benefits of ingesting menstrual blood.

Piper asks Healy if she can switch prisons because this one is being mean to her and hurting her feelings. Healy asks if the lesbians are responsible. I imagine Healy alone in his basement late at night, mapping out on his walls hundreds of newspaper clippings and crumpled photographs. Red yarn connects the crisis on Wall Street and world hunger and the twinkie shortage and World War One and – yes! He’s done it! All signs point to LESBIANS!

was scissoring involved? how about fisting? did you use a dental dam? did you boil the dildo first?

Piper attends prisoner orientation, which is pretty identical to my required 5 hour driver’s ed where a guy with a mullet told us “little ladies” that we were always doing our makeup while we drove, silly us. There’s a vacant seat next to Alex, who gestures towards it. Piper takes the broken non-working uncomfortable chair over Alex, which I believe is some kind of metaphor for Larry. You can sit on it all you want, but you and your ass both know it’s not doing the trick.

ikea presents the alex chair: ridiculously good to sit on, guaranteed to have you walking off bow-legged

At Ye Olde Canteene, Red is still preventing Piper from being fed. Damn, Red is a badass.

Diaz goes to ask her mom for an extra pair of khaki uniforms. Her mom continues to taunt her, and has adopted a new “daughter” in prison. I want to give Diaz a hug 112% of the time.

and i’ve already got an orange glow in the dark strap-on, so it’s gonna clash

Taystee gives Healy the 411 in exchange for candy. Healy gives her Good N’ Plenty, though? Come on, Healy, you can at least manage some fucking Starbursts. Don’t fuck her over with that Good N’ Plenty shit. No one wants little nibs of licorice ass.

taystee: woman after my own heart

Red is listening to opera and having her legs shaved for her while she reads a YA romance. Reread that sentence and tell me she’s not the motherfucking boss. Piper walks in and attempts to apologize. Red tells her she’s weak and fuck no is an apology gonna change anything. This moment is awesome. I don’t know what it says that every time Piper gets slammed down by her fellow inmates, I feel like high-fiving them, but it’s working for me!

this is an awkward angle

Piper can’t sleep because surprise, she’s hungry. This triggers a FFFLLLAAASSSHHHBBAAACCCKKK to when she and Larry went on one of those trendy cleanses that able-bodied yuppies seem really excited about all the time. In this case, it’s a lemon cleanse. For people who clearly attended higher education via the legacy of their parents’ economic status and life goal projections, they’re pretty stupid about ways to get healthy.

this should have been one of those little tips that your fiancee probably enjoys putting her face in other vaginas

Back to the present and Ye Olde Visitatione Daye. Diaz and the new guard Bennett share a moment, and if you’re not screaming ADORABLE, MAKE IT HAPPEN at the screen, then your heart is cold and dead and I feel sorry for you. Piper and Larry finally see each other (it’s been like…half a week, right?) and Piper starts freaking out about the starvation situation. What would she give to be having a love affair with an ice cream sandwich right now? Piper asks Larry not to watch Mad Men without her. At this point in the viewing, my girlfriend and I turned to each other and discussed whether or not we would hold each other to such a request. We could not decide if this was too cruel a commitment or not. Then we started talking about whether or not I could put my hands on Christina Hendricks’ butt and still honor the relationship, and then we got distracted. Anyway.

this image is always appropriate for any recap of any show ever

Piper sees Alex with a girl. Alex winks at Piper over the shoulder of the girl as they say goodbye. Someone clearly got an A in chemistry.

hey baby how about we recreate this hug with your thighs and my face

By the way, have we named this ship yet, guys? Vausman? Pipex? Alper? Chapse? Get on it, kids.

Red is awoken in the night because Betty’s dead! No, not Betty! Betty, by the way, is a refrigerator. Which means everyone needs to clear the food out of the fridge, including possibly a dead cat? Nichols, everyone’s favorite lesbian junkie, finds out that you can get high off of some chemical in the now warm fridge so she’s got big plans. Piper decides this is the perfect time to confront Red about the whole bloody tampon starvation situation, and thinks Red should just straight up punch her in the face. Red says nothing is changing, she is still a dumb yuppie, she will starve 4 lyfe. Boom bam bang wow.

YES

FFFFFLLLLAAAASSSSHHHBBAAACCCKKK!!! Red is powerwalking with the Russian ladies in a new windbreaker that I MUST HAVE. I could not love tacky nylon more than I do now. Red tells a joke that her fellow powerwalkers do not find terribly funny. They’re clearly trying to ditch her like the hot girls ditching my awkward teenage ass, but she’s not really catching on. We still love you, Red.

when your tits double as a waterbed, this can happen

Back in the present, Red’s confronting Healy on the toilet to get a new freezer. Red doesn’t give a shit. Get it? HA. I’m hysterical.

FFFFFLLLLLAAASSSSHHHHBBBAAACCCKKKK! Polly and Piper make soaps at home. Let’s sell the soaps, say Polly and Piper. Polly and Piper are going to sell soaps. Hurrah.

co-ops, lesbian communes, the lilith fair, dinah shore…get where i’m going with this?

Piper and Nichols are in line at the commissary, which is basically the jail store. Piper doesn’t have any money, so Nichols has to order for her. Piper’s looking for shea butter and cocoa butter for some secret reason, likely not sexual. Speaking of sexual, Nichols has picked up on Piper’s chemistry/drama/general obvious they should bang vibes with Alex, and she’s onto her ass.

of course you do honey

Piper goes to Sophia to try and get shea butter or cocoa butter. Sophia is only going to do it for a price. That price turns out to be Taystee’s new blonde streak. I love Taystee, I love Sophia, I love everything.

piper in a single line

Crazy Eyes overhears that Piper is looking for hot peppers. She brings them to Piper in her cell where we learn her name is actually Sue and she doesn’t need to trade, she’s just being nice. This is a really sweet scene and I have a lot of feelings about it. Piper uses it to chew up and mash with her other ingredients, nom nom nom prison soap.

Alex slips Piper some corn bread at lunch, but Piper throws it away. Don’t worry, Alex. There’s a massive legion of lesbians who would accept anything you slipped into them.

FFFLLLLAAASSSHHHBBBAAACCCKKKK! Red finds out the Russian Mean Girls have been powerwalking without her. How does Red deal with this? She chews them out and then punches the main mean girl in the tit. She punches her in the tit. In the tit! IN! THE! TIT! And it ruptures or breaks or something because it’s fake, and I don’t even know, I’m still reeling from the tit punching!

And now it’s time for some narrative resolutions!

Piper gives Red the salve, which is for Red’s bad back! Yay!

YAY

Diaz got gum from the cute guard! Yay!

Larry watches Mad Men! Nay!

Alex is being starved out! Nay!

queue forms offering certain things for alex to eat in place of food

Sue shares her headphones with Piper and then feels her up! Yay/Nay!

yeeeaaaaahhhhh pretty much

“The Fosters” Episode 107 Recap: You’re Always Welcome At Hotel Mariana

This episode begins with Jesus following Marianna into her room and calling her a tattletale!

Digression 1: Just yesterday, my son called my daughter “tattletale” but thankfully his crime was accessing Netflix on his iTouch without permission and not about teen sex. This is real life, people!

Jesus calls Marianna out about being awful with the whole Jesus/Lexi thing. If we give them a shipper name, it has to be Jesexi, pronounced “Hey sexy!” Stef has just gotten out of a shower and is shiny and steamy and brushing her hair in the mirror when she hears Jesus and Marianna arguing and she yells, “Oh my god! I can’t even take a shower in peace!”

Serious Mom Face

I’m sorry – that was actually me this morning. Stef is nicer than me and tells them they are family and they are going to have to get along. Jesus says he can’t get along with Marianna because she’s a “monster.” Drama king. He storms out and Stef tells Marianna that she brought all this on herself but what Marianna hears is, “Jesus is right and you are wrong and I love him more and he has better hair!”

Meanwhile, Lena tells Callie that she heard Callie isn’t actively participating in her group therapy sessions which are mandated. Callie asks for another group and Lena says she’ll see what she can do. Callie goes into the kitchen where Brandon is sulking in his cereal. At least, he’s not crying over spilled milk.

Digression 2: He uses milk from a ½ gallon. I find it hard to believe that a family of 7 buys milk by the ½ gallon. What lesbian family would waste that much plastic?

Brandon is pouting and Callie asks if he’s mad at her and he says, “You got my sister drunk blah blah blah” and Callie explains and he apologizes and I am still thinking about the milk.

HALF GALLON OF MILK! The Fosters hate the earth.

Marianna is at the beach with Ana, leaning against some giant boulders as you do. Ana is singing a kids’ song in Spanish and Marianna seems to find it sweet but I think Ana seems drunk or high. Kids’ songs can be fun but not that fun.

Digression 3: Once, my daughter was singing Mr. Golden Sun and instead of singing “please shine down on me”, she sang “please go down on me” and that is the only time I laughed as hard as Ana does in this scene.

Ana tells Marianna that she has been clean for a week and she wants to stay clean but she needs money for rehab. Marianna tells her she doesn’t have any more cash and Ana suggests that she take something the Foster’s aren’t using and give it to Ana to sell. Marianna is hesitant until Ana says, “We’re family and family takes care of family.” I hope Marianna brings her a ½ gallon of milk to sell. White gold. Texas tea. Wait – wrong show.

At Anchor Beach School for Wayward Surfers, Wyatt is telling Callie he had a dirty dream about her and I don’t think he means they were making mud pies. He was so moved by this dirty dream that he wanted to look at all of her Instagram pictures again so he could make more mud pies but found she’d made her account private. He then asks her about the comment from Liam. The Liam Cat is out of the bag!

Jesus runs into Kelsey the Skittle Addict and asks if she’s seen Lexi. Shockingly, she is mean. She needs attitude rehab since the chemical dependency treatment didn’t work.

Jude is in class and the teacher assigns a project that requires working in pairs and as people start choosing partners and I start to worry no one will pick Jude and then I have flashbacks to being picked last in dodge ball and, as I begin to hyperventilate, Connor of the Blue Nail Polish asks to be Jude’s partner and we all relax. Connor asks to go to Jude’s house and says, “My mom doesn’t like it when kids come over, says it gives her migraines.” I file that away as a future excuse because it sounds much better than, “Um…I don’t know honey…let’s plan something sometime…yeah…we’ll figure that out…”

Can you tell me hot to get, how to get to Sesame Street?

Jesus ditches school to go to a cute little row house on Sesame Street. He knocks on a cheerful blue door and I expect Cookie Monster to answer and am disappointed when Lexi answers and they start making out on the front stoop. I yell at Lexi that this is a bad idea given the circumstances with her parents, but she doesn’t care because Jesus just ate a pack of Mentos and she drank a pop and she wants to see if they’ll explode. When they pry themselves apart, Lexi tells Jesus that her parents took her computer and phone and locked her away in Cookie Monster’s tower where she has to spin gold.

Holy Riveras! I’m in trouble.

Back at the school of Sun and Surf, Lena sees the Riveras leaving the school and she looks nervous. She walks into her office and the boss lady is lurking in there and tells her that the Riveras are pulling Lexi out of school. The boss tells Lena that school officials are not supposed to give aspirin without parental permission so giving Lexi the morning after pill was not good and now they all have headaches but no one can give them aspirins. The unborn chickens are coming home to roost!

Liam drive Jeep. Liam angry. Liam stomp stomp.

Callie is waiting outside school for Wyatt when Liam drives up in his Big Jeep of Anger and jumps out and yells at Callie that he warned her and tells her Wyatt left a comment on Instagram and she tries to walk away but he grabs her arm and she squeaks and none of the surfer bystanders notice. Slackers. Then, Wyatt comes flying out of nowhere and tackles Liam and then Brandon hears the fight and runs over and pulls Wyatt off of Liam and holds him back but in a gentle way and I pretend briefly they are lovers. What a cute couple! Liam storms off. Callie yells at Wyatt that he made things worse. I consider making my Instagram private.

Honey, get control of yourself! Your hair is mussed.

Callie and Brandon walk home together and she explains that Liam was her foster brother. Brandon asks how old Liam is and she says 21 and we know Callie is 15 and we can actually see Brandon’s musical brain straining as he tries to make the math. Eventually, he concludes that Liam’s behavior was “not cool.” That’s right, Brandon. One man’s “not cool” is another man’s “statutory rape.” Turns out that Callie is worried about Sarah.

Don’t let the uniform fool you – I’m a lover not a fighter.

The Great Lesbian Kitchen isn’t so great right now because Lena and Stef are home from work and fighting about Lexi and the pill. Lena explains that she could lose her job and Stef is all, “Pfft. Halibut or chimichangas?” Lena says, “Everything you do comes back on me.” But Stef doesn’t back down and says she did the right thing. Jude interrupts and asks if Connor can come over to work on a project and they say something like “Of course, sweet potato” and then offer him a snack but he doesn’t want one because he’s not a real boy. He’s like a snack-hating Pinocchio.

Is it live or is it Memorex?

Later that night, Lena and Stef are getting ready for bed which means angrily tossing pillows off the bed (Lena) and nonchalantly brushing teeth (Stef). Stef says they shouldn’t go to bed mad but Lena rolls away and seethes.

Angry Lesbian Seether

Digression 4: I’m sure Lena didn’t seethe silently either. When I seethe at bedtime, I do it loudly so that my partner can’t forget that I’m mad. We’ve been together 20 years and this is the key to our success. (Please note: Don’t try this at home. This recapper is a trained seething professional. Results may vary.)

The next morning, the doorbell rings and Stef answers it to find the pizza delivery guy! Pizza for breakfast is always good. I kid. It’s the Riveras and Lexi is missing! She ran away!

Sweetie! Did you order some Christians?

Digression 5: I actually got teary during this scene. I was sad for Lexi and sad for the parents and maybe a little sad for me because I had espresso late yesterday and then stayed up too late watching Orange Is the New Black.

Stef suggests filing a police report but Sonja and Ernie want to look for Lexi first. So, Stef and Ernie head out to look and Sonja and Lena stay home to make calls.

Brandon tells Callie she should call Bill and I think Kill Bill and then my brain fills with images of pretty ladies doing badass things and Brandon bores me. She tells him that she can’t because it would be her word against Liam’s and it would go on her record anyway and she would be labeled “sexually volatile” and I don’t think that is a Mentos and soda thing and she would go to a group home and never be fostered again. Brandon says, “That’s crazy though.” and Callie says, “It’s the system.” After this past week, that seems to be a sad, universal truth.

Stef and Ernie are driving around looking for Lexi and Ernie tells Stef that Sonja is stubborn and that they were not in agreement about pulling Lexi from school. Sonja wanted to send her back to Honduras where they are from and boarding school was a compromise.

Sonja and Lena are talking about sex, baby. Lena says they didn’t condone Jesus and Lexi having sex but says they taught their kids about birth control and safe sex. Sonja says that is the same as condoning it. Lena believes teenagers will have sex and Sonja says she put the idea in their heads. Lena says that they see things differently but they shouldn’t have given Lexi the pill.

Digression 6: 1) We talk to our kids about sex and always have. If they have questions, they can ask. Is this a queer thing? 2) This conversation felt natural and emotionally true which is what I felt was missing in the religious conversation last week.

The doorbell rings and it’s Connor. Lena invites him in and calls Jude down and Connor says, “Hey Jude” and Lena says, “Ah! The Beatles!” and I say, “YES! YOU FINALLY MADE THE BEATLES JOKE!”

This is not your brother’s Sesame Street

Marianna is not on Sesame Street unless Oscar runs the neighborhood. She looks in the window of an abandoned house and then goes inside and then she yells, “I brought the stuff.” She opens the door to a room and…it’s Lexi! Yes, they fooled me – I really thought she was bringing heirloom lesbian teacups to Ana to sell but she’s bringing candles to Lexi. I like this much better because I was not emotionally prepared for a drug den. Lexi thinks the place is gross which shows that Lexi has excellent taste in hideouts and has eyes and a keen sense of smell. Turns out that Lexi turned to Marianna for help and she sent her to Wyatt’s old house. They sit on a nasty spray painted couch and talk about their feelings and look lovingly at each other and Marianna talks about Ana and says that Ana’s quote about family was “screwed up” so she has some perspective.

Connor and Jude are in Jude’s room and Connor is holding up a football jersey and talks about Tomlinson and Jude’s favorite player and Jude hears, “Blah blah sports blah blah” while he sits on his bed with his big bag from the craft store. He admits the jersey is Jesus’. Then, Connor asks about the skateboard and Jude tells him that almost everything in the room is Jesus’ except for a tiny backpack of things.

Marianna and Lexi are having a teenage trashed house photoshoot at the hideout and – again – I worry about photostream. But maybe I should want them to get caught. I’m so conflicted. Then, Marianna asks Lexi what it was like to have sex and Lexi says that everyone always says it’s awful but “It was sorta great and sorta awful.” Jesus was gentle and that’s a little more than Marianna wants to know. So, she gets up to leave and Lexi thanks her and Marianna says, “We may not have the best accommodations but you’re always welcome at Hotel Marianna.” I hope it’s not like Hotel California because I hear that place is a nightmare.

Runaway tip 1: Photoshoot!

Meanwhile, Brandon and Callie are sitting in an unmarked car playing Fun with Stakeouts but they’re not even doing it right because they don’t have snacks and a thermos full of coffee.

Digression 7: I was an Adult Protection investigator for 15 years and sometimes I had a hard time finding my clients and/or alleged perpetrators so I would have to sit in my car and wait for them to show up. I usually brought coffee but no snacks and I tweeted and talked to Siri while I waited. I give good stakeout.

Sarah appears and Callie runs over to her and tries to warn her about Liam but Sarah is not having it.

Connor and Jude are making a model of DNA or a stepladder for fairies out of pipe cleaners and Jude says, “Can I show you something?” and his delivery is weird so I immediately think it’s something horrible like a horse head or a different kind of head but no – it’s a knife that belonged to his father. Then, he makes up an elaborate story about his dad making millions and running away to an island because he has a better travel agent than Lexi. Connor tells him he doesn’t have to lie and I like that boy Connor.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Stef is telling the Riveras that it’s time to make a police report but they don’t want to because they are undocumented. That certainly does complicate things.

Jesus is sitting on the porch when Marianna gets back from the hideout and he tells her the Riveras are still there. He says, “They’re about to file a police report.” And Marianna says, “Why?” Just when I warm up to her, she makes me regret it. Jesus must explain it to her because she takes him to see Lexi. Jesus tells Lexi she has to go back and Marianna says, “Your parents are undocumented.” Jesus says, “And there’s something else…you have a twin and she is dying and needs a transplant!” Not really. He just says “And there’s something else” dramatically before Marianna tells her that she is undocumented too.

It’s group therapy time! People share and then the counselor looks expectantly at Callie and Callie starts telling her story about Liam and Sarah runs out and Callie runs out after her and I run out of coffee. Outside, Sarah tells Callie that people won’t believe her and it will only go on her record and then darts away. Brandon comes over and tells Callie that she tried and says about Sarah, “It’s her choice.” Callie says, “It wasn’t mine.” She then describes Liam coming into her room and raping her. She says, “I always thought it was my fault. But it wasn’t my choice and it wasn’t my fault.” That’s a great message.

Back in the Great Lesbian Kitchen, the Fosters are serving the Riveras Great Lesbian Hummus as is the custom of our people. The door opens and Lexi, Jesus and Marianna walk in and Lexi is crabby and tells her parents that she will call immigration herself if they try to send her away. That’s such a great idea! Then you can all get sent away together! Jude and Connor come downstairs and Stef offers to walk Connor out but Jude says he’ll walk him out.

Just eat the lesbian hummus and everything will be fine.

Digression 8: Is this stilted acting on Jude’s part or are they going to make him ashamed of other people knowing that his foster moms are lady lovers?

Connor offers Jude his little game console to keep.

Digression 9: Yes, I am 100 years old and don’t recognize that gadget. My kids have iTouches and DS’s so please forgive my ignorance.

Jude says he can’t keep it but Connor insists and then Connor’s mom honks and I can’t believe she didn’t come to the door and meet her son’s friend and parents. Shame on you Connor’s Mom – even if kids do give you migraines!

Jesus goes into Marianna’s room and they have a sweet scene and make peace with each other. After he leaves, Marianna gets a text from Ana asking about the “rehab money” and Marianna ignores it.

Downstairs, Lena and Stef are getting comfortable on the couch with a bottle of wine and Stef puts her feet up on Lena’s lap and they are making peace as well and I would love to find them cute but Stef has really ugly feet! You know I love her but I just wanted to put some socks on those feet so that I could enjoy the cuteness. They are tired and messy (Lena and Stef, not Stef’s feet) and ready to relax which means that something else will happen. Brandon and Callie walk in and Callie tells them that she has to talk to them and she sits down and starts telling her story and, because Stef sits up and her feet are no longer visible, I can truly appreciate what this moment means to all the characters.

Lesbian mom needs socks. Send help.

Overall impression: I thought the issues were handled better than in the last episode.

Favorite line: Not a lot to choose from this week so I’m going with “We may not have the best accommodations but you’re always welcome at Hotel Marianna.”

Really? Did they have to do that?: I’m still not sure they aren’t going to the Brandon Callie place. Also, it felt like the Riveras legal status was another drama for drama’s sake situation. Thoughts?

Playlist: Alice Pieszecki

Welcome to the ongoing but slow-moving playlist series in which we create a list of songs inspired by your favourite characters from the hit Showtime television series, The L Word.

It’s time for Alice Pieszecki.

When we created a playlist for Shane McCutcheon, we chose songs that reminded us of Shane or had been written about people who shared similar traits. Much like Shane, it wasn’t complicated. Songs about broody troubled heartbreakers are the bread and butter of rock ‘n roll. Songs about characters like Alice Pieszecki, though? Not so easy. As far as I know, there are no songs about funny, sassy, sarcastic, opinionated bisexual journalists who have an admirable ability to cut down Jenny Schecter like a total champ. There’s no genre for that.

So! With the exception of a few tracks that were used in the show, this playlist is not so much a musical interpretation of Alice Pieszecki, but rather just a bunch of songs that we think would probably be her jam. Many were suggested by Riese, who knows The L Word characters better than anyone else knows any other fictional character on this planet, probably.

Alice Pieszecki

[STREAM IT HERE]

Deceptacon – Le Tigre
Talk to Me – Peaches
Love Is A Battlefield – Pat Benetar
Genius – Murmurs
Fuck Was I – Jenny Owen Youngs
(Where Do I Begin) Love Story – Shirley Bassey
Crying – k.d. lang
Both Hands – Ani DiFranco
California – Joni Mitchell
Stay – Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories
Portions for Foxes – Rilo Kiley
Electric Band – Wild Flag
Cannonball – The Breeders
Rebel Girl – Bikini Kill
Sweet ’69 – Babes in Toyland
Blister In The Sun – Violent Femmes
Supernova – Liz Phair
Closer To Fine – Indigo Girls

What songs and artists do you think Alice Pieszecki listens to? Which The L Word character do you think we should make a playlist for next? It’s Jenny Schecter, isn’t it. That’s okay, I want it to be Jenny too.

Alice Pieszecki from Autostraddle on 8tracks Radio.

Want to suggest a playlist theme? Hit me up on Formspring and someone of the team might make it for you.

Orange Is The New Black 101: And There Are Lesbians

You may have heard that I was strapped to a chair to watch all 13 episodes of Orange is the New Black. You heard right. Yesterday and last night, I made my way through every single episode of this show. Yes, I know how it ends. Yes, I have a lot of feelings. No, I won’t spoil you. I love you guys so much that I’m going to take time out of my busy, busy unemployed schedule to recap every single episode so you can follow along as you too attempt to watch the show at a natural non-marathon pace. Good luck with that.

Piper is your standard young professional WASPy Smith graduate (yes, a Smith graduate, and we all know what us Seven Sisters ladies get up to when we’re in isolated female-dominated environments) who has her own artisanal bath products line. She’s engaged to the guy from American Pie, and she’s headed to prison because she moved drug money across international borders back when she was dating a lady in an international drug cartel. Yes, a lady, and I repeat, she dated that lady. Which means that you know from the first episode Orange is the New Black is a show that features LGBTQ characters.

I’ll be honest: I was a teensy bit nervous about all this. Because a lot of series that have queer characters in their secondary lineup can take their sweet time getting to the token LGBTQ storylines. Within those storylines, we’ll be lucky if we get a kiss, and if we do get a kiss, we’ll be lucky if any sex scene that follows isn’t weirdly chaste or largely made up of implication. You know, that super close up on the girl’s face right before it cuts out that suggests maybe, just maybe, she’s about to get eaten out? I hate that shit. We repealed DOMA and gluten-free products are available in most major grocery stores, so why are we still pretending like girls are just gently rolling around with their clothes on? Let’s be a progressive media culture and admit that girlfriend is receiving some game-changing oral sex. Anyway.

So how long into the series do we have to wait to see full-on unquestionably girl-on-girl action? Nineteen seconds. Nineteen seconds and there’s two naked ladies tongue-kissing in the shower. Do you know what you can do in 19 seconds? In 19 seconds you can lightly toast a bagel, or you can apply an olive oil and aloe-based moisturizer to your legs, or you can leave a message on your ex’s answering machine reminding her that it’s your weekend with the dog. In 19 seconds, Orange is the New Black said hey, guess what? We’re not going to play that ‘Our main character kissed a girl once and we’re going to tease you with it the whole season to bait the queer audience and keep them tuning in’ game. We’re going to be upfront about our characters’ sexualities and it’s going to be pretty to watch. Like, super pretty.

BAM BOOM SHAZAM WOW

So with that lovely period of her life established, we move on to Piper’s current situation. Is it weird that the showers at this prison look a whole lot like my dormitory showers in college, complete with our sworn fear of being barefoot anywhere near the bathroom? Piper has made flip-flops out of maxipads, which only furthers my obsession with the possibility of creating a 50 Things You Can Do With Maxipads Besides Catch Your Menstrual Discharge book.

Roll the opening credits! Featuring Regina Spektor. The only way you could make these credits any gayer would be Annie Clark and Carrie Brownstein covering ‘All The Things She Said’ over black and white stills from an Indigo Girls concert.

Now we get to see Piper’s pre-prison life, aka New York 30-something landed gentry heteroland. She and her fiance are having a fun ironic pig roast with her pregnant best friend and business partner. They’re having a dinner party the night before she goes to jail as a last hurrah, which is the most ridiculous privileged thing ever. The show knows this. The show is aware that Piper is not exactly a sympathetic character, that the fact she can throw a fucking dinner party to faux-celebrate her incarceration is going to establish a stark contrast to the people she is about to encounter in prison, and they’re not shying away from that. The criticisms I’ve seen that Piper isn’t a likable character don’t seem to be aware of the fact that the powers that be are not trying to make her the most likable face on the show. They’re aiming to make her a shallow lens through which we gain access to much deeper stories.

crate and barrel and free range eggs and npr and graduate degrees and the importance of buying organic

After the dinner party, Piper and American Pie Jason Biggs have awkward farewell sex. Or maybe it’s not supposed to be portrayed as awkward, but since I have no idea what straight sex looks like beyond the impression I gained from One Tree Hill, I don’t know how to recognize good straight sex when it happens. Also why are straight girls always wearing those spaghetti strap camisoles when they’re having sex? I didn’t even know they still sold those. Did the straight girls stock up at Old Navy in 2002?

mmffhh yooorgghh blooorkkk mmfffggghhhaarrrrgghhh

Piper is surrendering herself to the prison, which is apparently what you do when you are admitting you are guilty of the crime and don’t want to have your case go to trial because you might have to go for more time? Legal stuff something something jail something legal trial something drugs? Flashback to Piper explaining her going to prison to her parents, who are hung up on the lesbian part of everything.

Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure there’s a sexuality where you can have relationships with women and relationships with men and have neither of them erase or negate the other. It’s called

and it’s a legitimate identity! But more on that later. In the meantime, Piper is saying her final goodbye to American Pie Jason Biggs. She says the words that every single one of us would utter were we to be incarcerated tomorrow.

Piper’s told to strip as she enters prison, which prompts a flashback to a sexier time in her life. And who is part of that sexier time in her life? Fucking DONNA FROM THAT 70’S SHOW who has never looked better. Indeed, I am a true blue top and can thus recognize her throbbing top energy, and I just want to give her a giant high five for being a sexy top with magical top powers. I feel proud of her, does that make sense?

I mean, come on.

No, really. Come on. I understand this relationship is being established as the bad news that got Piper into the bad news situation, but shit, it just hurts so good.

So there’s one time in Piper’s life where her lover asked her to do something and she did it. On the other hand, we have American Pie Jason Biggs asking Piper to marry him by pulling out an engagement ring in a ziplock baggie while they’re at the beach. Apparently at this point Piper already knows she’s going to jail and this seems to be another one of those pre-prison celebratory events, which adds a little twist to that particular arrangement. Jason Biggs may or may not have said he needed to “lock it down.”

and it comes with a starbucks gift card? perfect!

So Piper rolls into prison. At this point, my girlfriend and I started playing Spot The Hot Dyke, which only took about half a second to win. And, bonus, there were finally hot butches and masculine of center folks for her to spot, as opposed to me being excited about all the feminine folk.

in this shot, we each won one point

Piper has a tattoo of a fish! She got it in Bali when she was scuba diving with her girlfriend because getting commemorative relationship tattoos is just something we gaydies do, let’s be real. Flashback to Alex covering Piper’s tattoo with makeup so she can take drug money across international borders, the whole bad news thing that led to the bad news prison situation.

but hey wearing this ellen circa 2003 wig is better than going to jail, right?

I just want to take a moment to talk about Alex’s bangs in this scene. Piper is sporting the wig from lesbian hell, but Alex looks like a rockabilly librarian who wants to take you to the quiet section and paddle the everloving shit out of you. I’m getting chills just looking at her.

I know they’re bad news, but I ship it, guys. Lesbian criminals who are members of an international drug cartel, what the fuck else is up.

official autostraddle recapper endorsement of this couple as the thing i will cheer for the entire show thank you

Back at Ye Olde Jaile, Piper is getting the welcome speech from her counselor. He gives her a lecture pretty identical to the one my mother gave me before I went to Bryn Mawr.

I don’t have to eat candy either, but it’s delicious, so.

The newbies are being shown around their quarters. They’re introduced to the yoga instructor, Jones, who also voiced Patty Mayonnaise on Doug. I’m going to let you internalize that and then never be able to unhear it later when shit hits the fan.

yeah i was a beets groupie, got real fucked up in reno and me and doug ended up in the heroin game, ate porkchop, killed roger, you know how it is

One of the newbies gets slapped in the face by a current inmate. Is it her angry ex or her partner in crime or?

But more on that to come. Things we learn about this inmate: She doesn’t speak Spanish, she is really cute, and I am already super invested in her storyline.

Piper is meeting her roommates, and one of them is Natasha Fuckin’ Lyonne. Welcome back, baby girl. We missed you.

Meanwhile in flashback land:

You’re welcome.

At Ye Olde Canteene, Piper is getting to know her fellow inmates. There’s a nun who I can already tell I love; Jones, the yoga instructor played by Patty Mayonnaise; and Nicky, whose gaydar is on point.

or maybe you just naturally smell like quinoa, i can’t tell

I almost spit wine on myself when I saw Lea DeLaria because as a butch person, I have one million feelings about butch representation in media, and right there’s fucking Lea DeLaria with her fucking BUTCH tattoo. The media can fuck a lot of things up, and look, on this journey we are about to take with this show, we will encounter problematic things for sure, but damn it all, they have got butches on the screen and they’re not exclusively punchlines and I like that, okay? That feels really good to me.

and her name is big boo okay i die okay

And then there’s Red, who I will refer to from now as Kapitan Janeway. Red runs the kitchens. Piper insults her food. Piper’s a dumbass, because Red’s a badass, and you should not fuck with Red.

i was gonna post this caption in russian but since google translate is my only resource i felt weird

Piper gets to call American Pie Jason Biggs after crying in front of the security guard, and I am so bored by their relationship that I’m not going to post a picture. No, seriously, are we supposed to be rooting for this? Fucking Alex shows up in the flashbacks looking like sex in glasses and we’re supposed to buy that anybody would downgrade to milk toast semi-clumsy American Pie Jason Biggs. Blergh.

Piper goes to take a shower, and walks in on some graphic lesbian sex taking place in a shower stall. That literally happened to me four separate times in college, I’m not even kidding.

no seriously women’s colleges should bleach their showers bc the amount of fisting that goes on in there

At lunch, we meet Laverne Cox’s character Sophia who I am still obsessed with after watching the entire show. Wait until her episode, guys. Just fucking wait for it.

dear media, look what happens when you write a compelling trans* character played by an actual trans* person. you create amazing television. learn from this and sit the fuck down you morons. love, me.

Piper finds out that Red has prepared something special for her after she mentioned how disgusting the food was yesterday. What, praytell, is this special meal?

**~*IT’S A USED TAMPON IN AN ENGLISH MUFFIN*~**

GOTCHA BITCHES

Piper is a little horrified by all this, so she runs outside for some fresh air. And who is there waiting for her?

i lost my killer bangs but i’m still a killer bang get it

Yep. Tune in next time for how to add tampons to your omelette and 23 more uses for maxipads that don’t involve collecting your moon spillage. If you didn’t think this show wasn’t going to have a strong feminine product presence, you clearly have never been to Girl Scout camp. Or a women’s college. Or a women’s prison. I’ve started to feel like, at least in this respect, they are all the same thing.

Pretty Little Liars 405: Gamma Zeta Die You Straight Dude Flirting With Emily

Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, a one hour reality dating show where 20 teenage lesbian swimmers must compete for the heart of one super hot lesbian swimmer. Aided only by her shiny-haired friends, this hot lez must decide if contestants get to do the breast stroke or if they’re totally sunk.

This weeks episode involved plenty of dyke drama but no Paige! It was like the old days where the only lesbian story lines we had were Emily feeling uncomfortable around her parents or Maya getting shipped off to reform school camp. Back before we had daily lesbian kisses. A friendly reminder that, yes, gay issues still affect you even if you’re mouth isn’t currently attached to another girl’s mouth.

We open on Hanna doing her best impersonation of the opening from Skins.

Well she’s no Naomi but maybe she’ll make out with an Emily

She wakes up to the sound of sirens and immediately thinks her mother has been arrested. She runs downstairs and Ashley is asleep outside. Then Ashley pops up like a jack in the box in an orange jumpsuit and shaven head!I shit you not I screamed. I had to pause the episode to get up and make popcorn just to clear my head. It was that scary.  It was also all a dream!

Like seriously how am I supposed to recover from this?

Over at the Hastings residence, Spencer skips down the stairs wearing her costume leftover from her brief stint as Teen Mary Poppins on Broadway. The mistress of the house is all about solving Spencer’s little college admissions problem. She’s worried about the time Spencer spent in Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Spencer is unimpressed with her mother’s assessment of her having a “problem.” Mistress Hastings hired a private admission counselor to rewrite all her essays and help her weasel her way in somewhere. This sounds like rich people shit.

Although I would like to sit on your face

Shouldn’t Mistress Hastings and Spencer be a whole lot more worried about how the Liars got arrested last year for that incident with the shovels? I feel like having an arrest record is a bigger problem than a brief stay in a psychiatric hospital.

Check out the face I’m practicing for when the Red Wizard takeover happens and we have to fake like we’re possessed.

Starsweep over to Emily’s where that big ol’ lezzie has me officially concerned that if she wears that denim vest one more time it’s going to start growing little tiny Emily clones from all the built up dead skin cells. Actually, Emily is already up and at her computer watching the gay porn. Just kidding, it’s lesbian porn aka Stanford University’s Diversity Statement. Emily’s dad walks in just as she’s getting to the really juicy stuff (the part about the LGBT Community Resource Center) and they talk a bit about the whole town thinking they’re big child abusers.

Don’t worry honey. It’s just some light reading about how Stanford embraces a broad range of socioeconomic, religious, cultural and educational backgrounds. it’s totally normal at this age! Nothing to be embarrassed about.

Papa Fields tries to cheer Emily up about the Dept. Family Services and her busted shoulder by saying this will all blow over soon.  Emily is still super sad she can’t move to the Gay Area with Paige, go to Stanford and have big gay sex all over the golden gate bridge. She figures even if she could afford it she wouldn’t get in because she’s, like, totally average.

Emily: Without swimming I’m average.
Papa Fields:: There is nothing average about you.
Emily: You haven’t seen me in bed. Paige usually only orgasms twice and I’m terrible with rope.

The Emily’s dad says he’s going to do whatever he can to get her into Stanford. In Rosewood that usually means shooting someone in the face.

You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. And that’s what it’s all about!

Time jump to school where class is just ending and the students are getting pumped for a big college visit weekend. I don’t recall college visits being something everyone in my high school did all at once, but I also don’t remember there being this many swim team high school lesbians, so maybe times have changed. Teacher Ella is reminding the class that they should use their upcoming college visits to audit classes and suck up to professors. Not to learn to play beer pong, which was of course what every prefrosh does on ever single college visit ever.

And remember class, we’ll be reading The Catcher in the Rye for the third time in a row this week so if you’d prefer you can just shoot yourself in the face now.

After class, the Liars huddle up to listen to Hanna bitch and moan some more about thinking her mom killed Wilden. Speaking of moaning, where’s Mona? I miss that little lez.

Hanna you don’t need to cover up a boner. No one can see it when you get turned on.

The Liars plan out their Super College Weekend Situation while simultaneously talking about the Mocking Jay. Will these story lines intertwine? You betcha! The liars pour over a Super College Weekend Situation booklet which has tons of colleges in it. They quickly discover the area code and prefix of the Mockingjay number are the same as some college in York County. What college are they going to in York County? I don’t know, let’s just assume it’s Krupinski Driving School because that’s certainly in York County.

More importantly, they actually flashed some of the college addresses written in the booklet, and let me tell you guys it was a big fucking deal for me. I’m from Amherst and I go to Brown Med and I almost pissed myself when I saw Amherst College and Brown on this page. It was too exciting. But they did the weirdest things to the phone numbers and addresses. Like 413 and 401 really are the area codes! FYI people in Amherst are really into being “from the 413.” A lot of people get 413 tattoos. It’s a whole thing. But then they did weird things here with the zip codes like changing Amherst’s 01002 or 02001 and changing Brown’s from 02912 to 02312. Most importantly 100 N. University Drive in Amherst isn’t where Amherst College is. It is, however, the exact location of where I got my wisdom teeth removed. I don’t believe in destiny but I’m starting to wonder if I was just meant to recap this show.

This is so awkward, she won’t shut up about her weirdo towns.

Okay, back to things you guys actually care about.

Outside of school Aria catches up with Ella who is being a total brat. Like outrageously out of character brat. Turns out she’s in a bad mood because she’s decided not to run off to the Vonn Trapp Lodge with her hottie Bakery Boy.

Doing Kegels.

Aria is appalled and demands to know why her mother can’t go on a year long sex romp abroad. She and Ella get in the car where Ella explains that ghost brother Mike, who hasn’t had a moment of screen time in thirty episodes, doesn’t want his mommy to run away. Who’s going to do his laundry or cook him dinner or uphold other pillars of the traditional expectations put on women. What, you expect him to just do the dishes himself?! With his hands? Unacceptable.

Mike feels, and I agree with him, that he still needs me to wipe his ass once per day.

Aria thinks her mom should still go. Remember, she wants to get Ella away from A. Ella’s not buying it, plus she thinks Byron will do a shit job if he’s the only parent around. To prove a point she kills a bee. Nobody kills bees like moms kill bees. Aria tells her mom to think on it and storms out of the car in a huff.

But if you stay home how will I secretly use the dishwasher to disinfect my dildo?

Just then, Aria gets a text from A and, quite rapidly, Ella’s car gets filled with bees. I’d almost forgotten that sometimes A makes terrible genuine attacks on the Liars and their family’s lives. It’s not all “eat fifteen cupcakes in public” and “dance with a boy you don’t like.”

That was the year Ella stopped teaching The Great Gats-bee

We cut to a commercial and when we come back Aria is pacing her room on the phone relaying the story of the bees to Emily. Ella is okay, thankfully, but Aria is in deep peril of being arrested. By the fashion police. Yup, it’s only now that I notice that Aria skirt is made of old neckties. It’s bad. One time when I was playing Beggar Girl #3 in a summer camp production of Fiddler on the Roof I wore a long sleeve shirt as a skirt with the arms tied like a sash. I thought it looked okay until I saw pictures later and then I was totally mortified. I think this is going to be one of those situations for Aria. Except I was seven.

What are you wearing?… Oh cool. I was going to just wear this skirt I made from every tie Ezra ever wore while we kissed.

We phone jump over to the Life Cafe where Emily offers another latte to Spencer’s private college admissions counselor. I’m unsure what to call this guy. I think he looks like the Hollis College campus chairman of the Young Republicans. Other suggestions from the team included “president of the Junior Yacht Club,” “Paul Ryan… if anyone remembers who he is” and “fuck it.” That last one was Riese. In retrospect she may have been talking about something else. I’m going to keep it simple and call him Skipper.

You also might want to throw an air freshener in the bathroom because I just got dropped the kids off at college…

If you know what I mean

Emily: At the risk of sounding rude, what is it that you actually do?
Skipper: I help applicants put their best foot forward and try to get them facetime with people who can champion for them. But honestly most of my work is emotional. People get crazed through this process, they need someone to help them over the hot coals.
Emily: I was referring to straight sex.
Skipper: So was I.

Emily laments the loss of her shoulder and potential swim scholarships. Skipper is not so worried.

Like as a straight girl who wants to sleep with me

He even offers to go through some of the material with Emily free of charge. Probably because he immediately starts flirting with Emily. I swear if Emily leaves Paige for this douche I will stop watching the show. That’s not a dramatic “I’m going to move to Canada” statement, that’s a fact.

And these are photographs of my vintage sailboat collection. I call this one right here Peewee.

Over in adultland, Mistress Hastings comes over to Ashley’s house for a legal meeting. Innocent people just don’t behave like this. Obviously Ashley wants to talk about The Night Wilden Died. Mistress Hastings doesn’t even ask Ashley whether or not she’s guilty. She’s just like, “Bitches gotta stay together. I’m on this shit.”

It would probably be a good idea to stop committing crimes though. Just a small piece of legal advice.

I know that the Hastings family has a fucked up way of showing it, but I’m starting to think they genuinely are trying to look out for each other. Like when Mr. Hastings thought Melissa killed Alison so he kept burning evidence. Or whatever the hell Melissa has been doing for the last three seasons.

Not since I saw Inception

Back at the Life Cafe, Skipper suggests Emily apply to schools with Polynesian Studies majors and even though Emily is interested in Biology. He suggests she fake it to get into better school. He’s a douchenozzle. I’m not really sure if that’s what colleges are looking for, but Emily is as skeeved out as I am.

Spencer finally shows up and sits down with the duo. Skipper is all set to take Spencer to visit Brown University for the weekend. Brown University aka the greatest institution of all time aka the only place in the country you might actually get to kiss Emma Watson aka feminist lesbian central aka the school I go to right now. But Spencer wants to go visit Krupinski Driving School in York County. You know, as a safety. Not to scope out the college. This is the stupidest idea ever.

He doesn’t know what I’m doing to you with my fingers under the table…

Can someone, anyone, please tell me why Spencer couldn’t have visited Brown University, home of the Annmary Brown Library which is actually a renovated tomb, and snooped around Krupinski whenever she had some free detective time?

Emily thinks she should also check it out, but she sounds marginally more enthusiastic. Skipper changes his plans and sets up meetings for Spencer with the heads of all of the best Krupinski departments. Her meeting with the head of the Braking Department is at 9am, followed by meetings with the heads of the Accelerating Department and the Honking Departments at 11:30 and 12 respectively.

Matching vibrators

At home, Aria actually runs into Mike! I wasn’t joking when I said he hadn’t been around in thirty episodes. That’s an exact number! The boy didn’t make a single appearance in season 3! I’m shocked they were even able to get this actor back on cast.

Aria wants to talk about why Mike won’t let their mother go on her orgy-fest vacation, but Mike is super distracted just killing it at Candy Crunch.

I gotta beat this level or I have to wait 20 minutes to play again!

I really thought this was going to be one of those things where Aria asks Mike why he said Ella couldn’t go and Mike was going to be like “What? I said do whatever she wanted.” But nope, actually Mike really loves his mom and wants her around. It’s pretty cute.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to please find me a change of clothes so I don’t have to run around like this anymore.

Plus Mike thinks Aria only wants her mom gone so she could start sleeping with Fitz again which is, while slut shaming and not actually true, probably kind of conceptually true. All the Liars sort of want their parents out of the picture so they can continue to do whatever they want all the time.

Also Aria pushed Mike and I didn’t like it.

I resend your invitation into my home!

Starsweep the Marin household where Ashley is unimpressed that Hanna isn’t going on college visits like the rest of the student body this weekend. Hanna insists she’s going to The Art Institute, which could mean FIT in New York or it could mean some yet unknown fashion school just outside Rosewood. I sort of hope the Liars all end up in New York City and we can go kinda Glee on the situation. And then Emily can finally join that lesbian colony in Tribeca with Santana.

Hold on I think my hand just slipped through the portal that lesbian swimmers keep coming out of

We interrupt this fantasy with a telephone call from Mistress Hastings. Ashley takes the call in the next room for a little privacy. Hanna picks up the other receiver and listens in.

From Hanna’s The Matrix audition reel. She didn’t make the cut.

No details, but things are looking grim in the police case against Ashley. Things are also looking grim for Hanna’s manners. Eavesdropping on other people’s phone calls is so rude! She could use a trip to Miss Piggle Wiggle’s farm.

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle and the The Big-Fat-Liar Cure

Four commercials for The Fosters and three commercials for auto insurance later, Hanna is on a new phone call with Aria. Hanna wants to know if Aria thinks Byron would cover for Ella if Ella were… I don’t know… being investigated by the police. You know theoretically. Hypothetically. Not that that’s going on with her parents. Just for example. Just for a thought.

Can you please please please just give me the extra large pizza with everything on it? This is a crisis!

Aria’s a little confused as to why she’s receiving this phone call and not Caleb.

Just got born

Unfortunately because it’s last fall in Rosewood Caleb is actually at A-Camp up in the mountains with no cell service. Don’t worry she’s not jealous. Hanna and Caleb have an understanding that what happens at A-Camp stays at A-Camp.

Hanna’s panic isn’t just over the phone call, her mom’s muddy shoes are missing too! And her closet door is locked! What could be hiding inside that closet? Hopefully it’s Spencer.

Hello? Ellen Page? Are you in there?

Lesbiansweep to Emily’s where she’s packing for her college visit to Krupinski. Emily’s dad offers her some cash for the weekend. It looks like a couple hundred bucks actually. This is the part where I act indignant and pretend that these parents give their kids too much money, but actually I’m 25 and my mom still gives me gas money when I come home. So. Emily on the other hand is genuinely shocked by the money. I have no idea what this scene is about but you know that it’s coming back later. Nothing on PLL happens by accident.

I’m glad you like the blazer. I bought it because autostraddle.com told me to!

Over at Aria’s place, Byron is sitting in a newly discovered desk in the living room composing the next great American novel. Or maybe filing taxes. Aria asks Byron to convince Ella to go to off on her nudist colony retreat.

Hey dad I need $900, a pair of latex gloves, three bottles of Liquid Silk and a cat. Don’t as why.

Aria tells Byron that Ella is only staying because she thinks she has to and doesn’t realize what she’s giving up.

Yes, but only so that she can have a whirlwind vaycay of sex and drugs and… okay now that I’m saying it out loud I see your point.

She reminds Byron that Ella still cares what he thinks about her and it’s important that he help her on this. She’s all teary and stuff. Now I can’t remember if she’s being genuine or lying or projecting or whatever.

Just a quick bump.

Can I be honest with you guys? I feel like I can because we’re such close friends now. I’m sort of bored of the grown-up story lines in this episode/series of episodes. I don’t really care what happens to Ella or Ashley for that matter. I only care about when Paige and Emily are going to steal away for the next kiss or if Aria is going to replace Ezra with an even older even dweebier boyfriend.

Fortunately the next scene is all Spencer and Emily at Krupinski. Emily continues to chat up Skipper and asks him about “sorority scholarships.” Is that a real thing? He asks her out to dinner to “look over some scholarships.” She says yes. I am creeped out.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Spencer tells Emily to cool it with the flirting because no one in the whole wide wide world would ever want to go to Krupinski anyways. Spencer is being a snob. Emily is uncomfortable. Luckily, Spencer redeems herself by wearing the cutest bandana ever.

10 Reasons “Orange Is The New Black” Is The New Lesbionic TV Show You Should Watch Now

So, our writer Kate is currently strapped to her chair consuming Orange is The New Black so she can recap the whole g-damn thing for y’all, but while she’s doing that, I have an idea: you should start watching Orange is The New Black. Like right now.

We just saw the first four episodes and holy shit, this show is really fucking good and funny and smart and gay. See I’m in this cabin in the woods right now with the four other humans in charge of Autostraddle for an Editorial Summit, and last night we put on the first episode to enjoy while eating dinner and then before we knew it, it was one AM and we were still watching it. We’re four episodes in and if we didn’t have so much work to do, we’d be marathoning this bitch ’til sunset.

I don’t want to spoil anything major for you, so I’m gonna keep this list as general as possible.

Ten Reasons You Should Watch “Orange Is The New Black”

10. This show is super gay.

Emily Nussbaum described it as “the love child of Oz and The L Word.” Accurate.

that’s the girl from “That 70’s Show” with the tattoo, btw

9. Jodie Foster tried out TV directing for the first time to direct the third episode of this show.

We get a press release every time a lesbian makes a fimo bead, how did we not already know this.

8. Transgender actress Laverne Cox plays transgender character Sophia Burnett

Having a trans* actress play a trans* character! What will they think of next??? Cox told The Huffington Post (where she’s also a regular writer), that “the scripts are amazing and the directors are amazing.”

7. Hot Girls

Seriously every five minutes Rachel was like “why is everybody on this show so attractive???” 

Danielle Brooks as Tasha “Taystee” Jefferson, Taylor Shilling as Piper, Vicky Jeudy as Janae Watson and Samira Wiley as Poussey

6. Created by Jenji Kohan

Kohan wrote Weeds and Tracey Takes On, among other amazing television programs. This lady’s good at her shit. As Emily Nussbaum pointed out in her rave review of the show for The New Yorker: “In different hands, this might be a cringe-worthy premise.” Other writers include Lauren Morelli (a woman!) and Sara Hess (a woman of color!).

5. Taryn Manning

From the moment I first encountered Taryn Manning in Crazy/Beautiful, I knew I’d had a crush on her all my life. I don’t think she’s shown up yet in the episodes we’ve seen, but SHE WILL.

4. Natasha Lyonne

Bitch is back! I love her forever, because But I’m A Cheerleader. (Sidenote: Clea Duvall was at the OITNB premiere!)

3. Legendary lesbian comedian Lea DeLaria as butch lez “Big Boo”

2. Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek: Voyager Plays “Red”

Kate Mulgrew (Red) with Michelle Hurst (Claudette Pelage)

1. So. Many. Women.

So many women! Different kinds of women, too, like crazy diverse. According to imdb, for a lot of these actresses, Orange is the New Black is their first big project, which is amazing. And then there are actresses like Michelle Hurst who you spend forever wondering where you know her from, only to discover she’s played NINE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS on various Law & Order franchises. I’ve never seen Dascha Polanco before and can’t wait to see her again and again.

In her Hitflix interview, Kohan noted: “You have this huge talent pool that is generally tapped for very limited visibility roles, but they’re so good and to be able to let them flex and shine is just so exciting. I would get these audition tapes and it was just one after the other, so good. So we started creating more characters because we wanted to use more of the girls we saw in the audition tapes. There were just so many great Latina actress and black actress that hadn’t had the opportunity to really do this thing, especially in New York, which was a fresh pool for me in terms of faces and talent. Like I said, it was an embarrassment of riches and we really got amazing people.”

It’s true. And the best way for you to get rich fast is to watch it on Netflix!

“The Fosters” Episode 106 Recap: Houses of Horrors

The episode opens with Stef and Lena chatting about dinner in the Great Lesbian Kitchen. Stef looks like she could use a shower while Lena looks fresh in her cute little striped shirt and I am distracted as I wonder: 1) Would I look cute in that shirt? 2) If I stand up and lean in, can I see down Lena’s shirt? What? She leans on tables a lot and it’s become a game I play to entertain myself.

The kids enter at various points (except for Jude who is absent this episode) – Marianna in short shorts, Callie in a shirt that screams “Flashdance with Owls!”, Jesus in a tank top so we see his bulging boy biceps and Brandon looking like he’s going to a chess match. I then realize that Lena’s shirt is a pajama top. No wonder I like it – it’s 3 p.m. and I’m still in my pajama shorts.

Jesus wants to know what they are having for dinner because he wants to impress Lexi’s parents and Stef gives a fancy answer in a faux British accent before exclaiming, “Mama’s making halibut!” Halibut! The other other white meat. Then, Stef says, “We’ll do our best to assure them we’re not running a teen brothel.” Marianna complains that they never had Lexi’s parents over when they were friends and I’m glad she spoke up because, for a minute, the world was revolving around someone other than her. Jesus mentions that he was invited to go to Jesus Camp and Stef worries the Christians will say mean things about his family and I understand but, Stef! There will be Christian Frisbee!

Callie and Wyatt are hanging out in an empty house and I don’t trust that this is his house after the Beach House Breaking and Entering Date and neither does Callie because she asks him if it’s really his house. He then leads her upstairs to prove it to her.

Digression 1: He leaves the door open and there is not even a screen door so the house is just wide open. Who does that? Bugs or weird neighbors could get in! I may be sensitive to open doors since my new summer hobby is yelling “Shut the door before the bugs or burglars get in!” I don’t really say the bugs and burglars part because my daughter has a fear of spiders and my son has a fear of burglars. True story.

Wyatt and Callie go upstairs and he shows her a mural in his closet that he drew over the years. We are supposed to be impressed but, as a mom, I couldn’t help but think, “How many coats of paint will it take to cover that thing!” But Callie doesn’t have to worry about priming the walls so she likes it. Wyatt wants to define their relationship and Callie obviously doesn’t want to talk about it and Wyatt it’s stilted and awkward and then Wyatt invites Callie to come to his foreclosure party.

We see a close up of Piano Fingers and it’s Brandon working on a song for an audition. Lena watches and tells Brandon they’ll be proud of him no matter what and Brandon returns to the piano and plays the song again under the watchful eye of an uneaten bagel sitting on top of his keyboard.

Digression2: We don’t let the kids have food in their rooms but Lena didn’t seem to care about the bagel in the bedroom without a plate. We are sticklers about this since we discovered our daughter was hiding an onion in her room.

Lena leaves Brandon to serenade his bagel and runs into Marianna who says, “Garrett invited me to lunch.” and I assume he invited her to Denny’s for a Grand Poetry Slam but nope. They are heading to Paco’s.

Callie goes to a support group for foster kids. Not a group for the Fosters’ kids because that would obviously take place in the Great Lesbian Kitchen and not in this dingy church basement. While the other kids bare their souls, Callie bares her teeth. Not really, she just plays with her iPhone. A girl named Sarah talks about being happy in her home even if it is temporary and Callie shuts off her phone and listens and I think, “She can relate because she is happy in her temporary home!” and then Callie invites the girl out for coffee after group to talk about life and my gut says this is an unsettling development but I ignore my gut and stuff it with tortilla chips.

Marianna goes to Paco’s and sits down in a booth and she’s meeting her birth mother, Ana! Marianna tells Ana that she doesn’t have any more money and Ana seems offended. Really, Ana? You’ve had one meeting with your daughter and you asked her for a big chunk of change – you don’t get to be hurt. Ana asks about friends and Marianna tells her that her best friend Lexi betrayed her by dating Jesus. I still don’t understand why this is such a big deal. Ana says that she missed Marianna’s birthday so she bought her a gift. Marianna looks shy and hopeful and I’m worried about what’s in the bag. It turns out to be a bear in a tiara which is sweet and much better than a dead squirrel. Not that Ana would give her a dead squirrel but that’s my go to thing when thinking of weird things in bags.

Digression 3: I thought the bear was sweet but my cynical friend, Deborah, was suspicious of the bear. She thinks there is a nannycam or drugs in the bear and I think it’s probably filled with love and regret and remorse.

Brandon is pacing on the stoop of the Charming Craftsman and we learn that Mike was supposed to pick him up 20 minutes ago.

Stef goes to visit her dad and takes groceries and they have an in-depth discussion of TV dinners. Stef has nightmares about frozen peas and Salisbury steak. I have nightmares about driving off a cliff but Salisbury steak is bad too. Stef mentions Jesus might be going to church camp and Dad of Stef likes that idea and Stef says, “Please, Dad. You know we don’t do church because we are godless lesbians.” She says everything but the godless lesbians part. He says he never understood why she quit church and she says she quit because he sent her to talk to a youth minister after catching her cuddling with a girl on the couch. Then, he tells her she had Mike and Brandon and “You had everything and you made the choice to be gay.” Stef tears up a little but stays calm and talks about how much she adores Lena and their family and says, “At the end of the day, who I love shouldn’t be an issue for you or anyone else. I made a choice to be happy.”

Digression 4: This scene made me tense so I thought I’d offer some levity. A few days after I came out to my mom, we were standing in her Not A Lesbian Kitchen and she leaned up against the counter, stared at me and said, “What was it, Vik? Was I too butch for you?” Yes, mom. Your El Camino made me gay.

Stef’s dad doesn’t understand that oranges aren’t the only fruit.

Mike pulls up to the Charming Craftsman in his white mustang. White horse! Mike is the hero! He apologizes to Brandon for being late and says he fell asleep and Brandon says it’s the middle of the day and we all know that means Mike is an unemployed college student or he’s been drinking.

Callie and Support Group Sarah are sitting on a picnic table and Callie asks Sarah about her foster family and she’s a bit cold as she questions Sarah and I know I was wrong to dismiss my gut feeling before – Callie has an agenda. Sarah talks about her foster dad and foster brother enjoying golf and we can all sigh in relief that the straight family got the golf hobby. Callie takes a picture of Sarah which is weird and Sarah tells a story about her foster brother getting mad and breaking a golf club and she says it like it’s endearing and I don’t understand these girls. Eye boogers and golf clubs broken in anger are not adorable. Callie says something like “Liam did that?” and Sarah says, “I never said his name was Liam.” Run Sarah!

Later, at the Charming Craftsman, Callie and Marianna are hanging out and Marianna looks through the pictures on Callie’s phone. She sees a picture of Wyatt and describes him as “messy sexy” while I would describe him as a “modern day bad boy Leif Garrett.” I know – you are all too young to know Leif Garrett but look him up.

Digression 5: I didn’t know I was gay in high school but I knew that I wasn’t into boys. Despite that, I pulled out Leif Garrett from Tiger Beat and hung his picture in my locker. Even when I didn’t know I was passing, I was passing.

Marianna wants to know if Callie is going out with Wyatt and she says he is having a party and Marianna is all “YAY LET’S PARTY WITH MESSY SEXY!” and Callie is all “BUT JUVEY!” but Callie relents and agrees to go.

Stef zips up Lena’s dress while sighing and Lena says, “It’s just a dinner party babe.” Stef says, “It’s not dinner, it’s my dad.” They finish getting dressed and Stef says, “I’m telling you this. I will not be judged in my own house.” This makes me think two things: 1) I like stern Stef and 2) She is going to be judged in her own house.

Someone’s in the kitchen with Lena. No, it’s not Dinah – it’s Stef! Callie and Marianna come in and Stef’s all, “Mama’s cooking halibut!” Again with the halibut.

We could start a drinking game just for the halibut.

Marianna and Callie say they are going to Wyatt’s and Stef says, “The hair model? Oh, we like him.” I think Stef read my last recap. Stef asks if his parents are going to be home and Marianna implies that they are without explicitly stating that they are which means she didn’t really lie and I make note of this for future interrogations of my own children.

Brandon is waiting to go into his audition and Mike apologizes for making him late and Brandon gives Mike mean looks and then Brandon is called in to audition. He begins to play and messes up. He starts again and messes up again. Let’s all blame Mike.

Callie and Marianna show up at Wyatt’s Foreclosure Party to find people drinking and painting the walls and it’s smoky and loud which is TV drama code for “This will not end well.” Wyatt greets Callie and offers her spray paint or poster paint because the entertainment options include graffiti or potato prints. Callie asks him what he’s trying to accomplish and points out that people are destroying the house he’s lived in his whole life. Sure Callie. Now you want to talk about feelings? Wyatt gets mad and stomps away and chugs an entire solo cup of something alcoholic. I’m guessing Kool-Aid and cheap vodka because this doesn’t seem like a Pinot kind of scene.

Meanwhile, Marianna is catching up with Kelsey. You remember Kelsey? The Skittle addict? She is fresh out of rehab and drinking beer because she learned a lot about chemical use and abuse while she was away.

We leave the adolescents to make poor life choices and head to the Dining Room of Discomfort where Lexi’s mom, Sonja, says, “When Lexi asked for our permission to date Jesus, you can imagine our hesitation.” Stef and I suspect the judging is about to begin but it turns out that Sonja just has general dating concerns. Lena suggests rules about curfews and closed doors and Sonja suggests supervised visits and then there is a knock at the door.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

A plot device.

Enter Stef’s dad, Frank, who says, “I didn’t realize you had company and thought this scene needed drama for drama’s sake! Did someone say halibut?” Lena has obviously forgotten that Stef is upset with her dad because she invites him to join them. I am very disappointed in Lena’s ability to read Stef and more disappointed that Frank can’t read the situation and stays. Somebody pass Stef another bottle of wine.

Mike finds Brandon after his audition and asks how it went and Brandon says, “You were late and you stink of booze!” I know we don’t have smell-o-vision or anything but I thought Mike actually looked like he smelled of booze. Brandon explains that he messed up and Mike gets his white Mustang to drive right into the audition room so he can save the day!

Back at the Foreclosure Party, Marianna tells Kelsey that Lexi and Jesus are dating and that Lexi’s parents are having dinner at her house. Kelsey wonders if they are talking about the morning after pill. Marianna is stunned and Kelsey explains that she is the go to gal for pills but she couldn’t help with that one so they went to Lena and Stef. Marianna begins to drink the Kool-Aid.

Back at the Dining Room of Discomfort, Frank says, “So, Jesus, tell me about this camp.” I hate this conversation before it begins and wish I had a solo cup of vodka. Stef says they aren’t sure they want him to go to camp. Sonja explains that it’s going to be fun because of the Christian Frisbee and Stef says they have a difference in core values and I want Stef to stop talking. She explains that she doesn’t want Jesus to hear anything about how people think his mothers’ relationship is wrong. Sonja shakes her head and says, “No, no, no. We totally support this family.” Frank says, “You do?” and I say, “Shut up Frank!” Ernie says, “Of course we do. What’s more Christian than family?”

Digression 6: This is a great message. It is and the scene was contrived. The writers were trying too hard to drive home a message and my head hurts from being hit with it.

At the Foreclosure Party, everyone is drunk but Callie. There is a Close Encounters of the Red Solo Cup Kind situation going on in the living room as someone has built a giant tower of them and then drunk guys barrel through them while Callie captures it all for Instagram. Something gets broken and Wyatt is all “BREAK EVERYTHING BURN THIS PLACE DOWN RAWR!” He goes upstairs and Callie finds him destroying his old bedroom with a crowbar. He breaks a table that wasn’t there earlier in the day and then bashing the ceiling light. What did that ceiling light ever do to you, Wyatt Hair Model Leif Garrett? Wyatt’s having feelings which makes Callie have feelings but I have no feelings at all because the actor who plays Wyatt is so bad that it’s completely unbelievable. Or I am dead inside. Reader’s choice.

Callie then delivers what is supposed to be the ultimate in emotionally manipulative monologues, “It’s just a house. It’s not you or your family or your childhood. It’s just a house.” Callie sells the scene but Wyatt is writhing around in her lap and overacting to the point that I had to turn away. Wyatt then pries part of his mural out of the closet and suggests they leave. Callie looks for Marianna but finds Talya instead. This is a house of horrors!

Back at the audition, the uptight teacher tells Brandon he’s lucky to have such a “relentless father.” Are we supposed to think highly of Mike now? He got drunk, fell asleep, made Brandon late for his audition and then bullied the teacher into giving Brandon a second chance. It’s gross. How’s that for intelligent commentary? Brandon doesn’t get the scholarship but the teacher agrees to take him on at $150 per hour, 2 hours per week.

Speaking of yucky guys, Frank is still yapping about the church and it’s view of The Gays and he tells Sonja and Ernie that the church is not in favor of same sex marriage because devout Catholics like the Riveras have no clue as to what the church says on the matter. Sonja says, “Well, we are.” Thank you, Sonja. Now, can we all agree that Frank is not dinner party material? Finally, Jesus speaks up and says, “Seriously moms, have some faith in me.” I’m not dead inside because this gave me feelings.

Digression 7: My son recently asked, “When I get to high school and meet a girl I like, do you think having two moms could hurt my chances with her?” I know how Stef feels and we have to let our kids go out into the real world and face bigotry on their own and hope we’ve given them what they need to do it.

At Wyatt’s House of Chaos, Callie waits for Marianna to come out of the bathroom and snaps pictures of people drinking and painting and all I can think is, “I hope those pictures aren’t going to a shared photostream.”

Digression 8: Photostream can be dangerous. I know because Luisa was in Africa and texted me asking, “Why is our photostream filled with pictures of your hair and the cat?” I’m wild.

Callie continues to snap pictures and a buff guy in a gauzy white shirt enters the frame and Callie says, “Liam.” This must be the only party in San Diego. Maybe Callie will wake up and say, “But it wasn’t a dream. It was a place! And you, and you, and you, and you were there!” Sarah the foster kid told Liam that Callie was asking about him and he says, “You miss me?” in a way that tells us that Liam is not a nice young man. Callie starts to walk away and Liam grabs her by the arm and tells her to stop asking questions and stay away from Sarah. Wyatt and Marianna join Callie and they head out. The way Callie leads Marianna down the stairs is so gentle and sweet. The non-verbals were perfect. Callie sees Talya dancing drunkenly with guys and asks Talya to walk home with them but Talya says she’ll be fine and I have a bad feeling that that she won’t be.

Back at the Charming Craftsman, Frank is finally leaving and says, “That halibut was great.” Everybody drink for the halibut. Frank points out that Stef never asks him to dinner and she tells him he’s welcome anytime as long as he calls. I don’t want him to come to dinner ever again as long as I live or Stef lives or the show lives. He apologizes to Stef for the youth minister thing and driving a wedge between her and God. He leaves and Stef says nothing. I care more about the wedge between him and her than her and God. Lena comes outside and asks if Stef’s okay and Stef tells her that Frank apologized. Then, Stef says, “I think it’s fine that Jesus goes to the Jesus camp. They named it after him, right?” Even Stef can’t resist a Jesus joke.

Mike and Brandon are having burgers in a sports bar because this episode was a little short on gender stereotyping. Brandon thinks that $1200 per month for piano lessons is too much but Mike still has his white Mustang so he is sure he can pay for it. He’ll pick up extra shifts and get a second job working security. He ends his pitch with, “Let me be the hero for once.” I hate it. I can’t even hate it articulately. Just ugh. Hate.

Callie and Marianna arrive home and Lexi and her parents are still there. Callie gives Marianna a piece of gum and says, “Chew and maintain.” and I find their interaction kind of cute because they are not my drunken minors. The dinner party people hear them come in and ask them to say “hello” so they say “hi” and then Callie says it’s time for bed but Sonja hasn’t had enough drama for one night and wants Marianna to join them. Marianna stumbles a little and Stef is all, “Oh hell no! This night just won’t end!” Sonja mentions that Jesus is going to camp and invites Marianna and she says, “What? You’re gonna let them spend the night together when you know they’re having sex.” Worst. Dinner Party. Ever.

The Riveras leave and will likely never return to the House of the Rising Sun. See what happens when you make teen brothel jokes, Stef? Stef and Lena try to talk to Marianna but she is drunk and cuddling with her teddy bear. They head to their room and Lena says, “We should have made her take the nose ring out.” Yeah, Lena. Studies have shown that nose rings are the leading cause of underage drinking. Callie enters and I am ready to judge the hell out of whatever Stef and Lena say to her. Lena asks whose idea it was to go to the party and Callie squirms and Stef asks if it was Marianna’s and Callie confirms that it was. They thank Callie for not drinking and getting Marianna home safely and I want to hug them all because Callie is earning their trust and they are earning mine.

Callie goes to her room and places some ibuprofen and water on Marianna’s nightstand. She crawls into bed and gets an Instagram notification. Liam posted an Instagram pic and tagged her. It’s a picture of a tree and he says, “Isn’t that the tree outside your window?” The plot thickens.

Overall impression: It was contrived and there were too many dramatic layers.

Favorite line: “We’ll do our best to assure them we’re not running a teen brothel.”

Really? Did they have to do that?: I’ve had enough of Wyatt.

25 Lesbian Relationship and Friendship Truths As Told By “The L Word”

25 Lesbian Relationship and Friendship Truths As Told By The L Word

1. Just because a girl says she’s straight doesn’t mean she won’t make out with you. (Or date you.)

2. Before you know it, your gay friend who used to operate as a single unit of human will become part of an inseparable gay double-unit of human and you will not be able to see one without seeing the other. Luckily, this additional human will  probably become your gay friend too.

via the l words

3. You’ll never forget your first love.

4. Sexy Top + Sexy Top = Sexy Wrestling Match.

source: thegifingkitters

5. You will never stop feeling awestruck by her beauty/handsomeness, and bewildered by the fact that she chose you.

via fractal thought process

6. Seeing your ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend can be very life-affirming!

7. Just because you’re lonely and she’s pretty doesn’t mean you have to fuck.

8. Your first time having sex is never your best time having sex.

via lwordobsession.tumblr.com

9. It’s not easy to figure out what to do with all those sex toys after the breakup.

via l word obsession

10. There is a 100% chance that you will, at some point, have your heart completely ripped out.

11. You can never underestimate your family’s ability to deny glaring evidence of your homosexuality…

via sexualityisfluid

…and you can never underestimate your family’s ability to draw logical conclusions despite minimal evidence of your homosexuality.

12. Tegan & Sara already know everything about you, you big lez!

via howthelgirlsliveandlove

13. Truly lasting relationships require shared values and a similar way of looking at the world…

…and having the same opinion about Jenny Schecter.

14. Your lesbian friends and YES even your ex-girlfriends will protect you with a ferocity rivaling that of the biggest baddest big brother of all time.

15. There are 50 ways for your lover to refuse to leave you. 

16. Sometimes it’s just meant to be.

17. Your definition of “relationship” might not be hers.

18. Sometimes you have 99 problems and a girl is every fucking one of them and then you’ve just gotta do whatever the fuck it is that you’ve gotta do.

19. Gaydar is an Imperfect Science.

20. Guys will still hit on you. And not always because they think you’re straight.

21. It’s more than just a haircut, even if you only keep it for one season.

22. Dinah Shore is a really really special place to go with a broken heart.

via maya ranires

23. OH IT COUNTS.

24. Everybody is DEFINITELY sleeping with everybody else.

source: l word love

25. And the best antidote to a life filled with straight people… is a room filled with gay people.

Pretty Little Liars 404: Facepalm Time

It’s that time of the week again! The time where we recount the trials and tribulations of four young girls without a care in the world. Except of course, their murdered friend and just exactly how to make enough time in the day to deep condition their hair. It’s the trials and tribulations of Pretty Little Liars.

We open this week on a bright shimmery day in Rosewood. 7am and no one’s murdered yet, it must be a good day! In fact, today is the day that Emily’s dad returns from his tour overseas because the Department of Family Services thinks Emily is being abused. But before anyone can say much of anything, Emily’s got to get to school. Nothing says teary-eyed reunion like Calculus class.

I know dad. I want to celebrate the repeal of DOMA too but it’s just so hard without across the board same-sex union recognition on the state level.

Outside the hallowed halls of Rosewood High, Caleb and Hanna have a big fight over what type of herbal tea they should have with breakfast. Caleb updates Hanna on his conversation last episode with Papa Marin. Caleb feels pretty damn sure that if Papa Marin’s gun is missing then Ashley took it. Hanna’s not so convinced. She reminds Caleb that a lot of people just use pistols to decorate elaborately themed western parlor rooms. It’s all the rage in Real Simple Magazine.

Caleb you can’t keep bringing home kittens. I know they need good homes but twelve is too many!

Hanna: “Is this what you call helping?”
Caleb: “As a matter of fact, yes.”
Hanna: “Well it’s not. Next time just pick up the lube on your way home from school like I asked and stay out of my business.”

You’re so bad at this. I’ll just get my Hitachi.

Hanna, all fired up from her rage fight with Caleb, tracks down Aria and Spencer on their way into school. Basically she just wants Spencer to nut the fuck up and ask Melissa about the mask. Unfortunately, Hanna goes a little aggro on her friends in the process. It’s okay though, at this point everyone is used to the occasional inappropriate outburst. Just then, Emily walks up and joins the gang. No one is happy. Everyone is sad.

Yeah, the doctor says he’ll let me know later today if I can go back to fingerbanging. It’s been pretty hard.

Little do the Liars know that Detective 2.0 and a brand new woman are watching them. It turns out that the woman is Detective 2.0’s boss/partner/sisterwife and she’s chosen him to figure out just exactly why the Liars can’t seem to make it six months without showing up at a crime scene. They’re also going to get to the bottom of just exactly what makes their hair so shiny. Top contenders include Maybe They’re Born With It and Maybe It’s Maybelline.

Do you think they’re washing their hair with egg yolk? Because I’ve heard good things about egg yolk.

I hope this becomes like Sailor Moon where each episode Detective 2.0 recruits a new Monster of the Week to help him take down the girls and each episode the Monster of the Week fails. Also, I think she’s maybe supposed to be Jewish? Or from New York? Or both? Should I be offended here? Fortunately she seems like kind of a badass.

Shalom motherfuckers.

At lunch, the Liars regroup and complain that Emily’s family wouldn’t be under investigation right now if only they’d told bigger better lies. Much much bigger lies. All of the big lies. Yeah guys, that’s the moral of the story here.

I would love to have this conversation right now, but there’s a girl in a crop top on the other side of the courtyard.

An update on Aria reveals that her BDSM dom Sensei Hot Stuff is still “just fine” and that her mother is still flying off to Austria with Bakery Boy.

Because here I just thought he lived in in Drury Lane.

The fact that I didn’t think to call Bakery Boy the Muffin Man will be the largest regret of my life. I may not recover from this.

AP European History can really get you.

Later, at the Life Cafe, Ms. Hastings is back in town! It ‘s a good thing too. Pam, Ashley and Ella are already embroiled in drama, why not add Lady Veronica Uptight into the mix as well. Uptight, for the record, is Veronica’s maiden name.

This coffee tastes like piss.

As it turns out, Veronica is back in town to talk about how awesome Melissa’s new fantasy job in San Francisco and London is. FYI if anyone wants to give me a job where I commute between San Francisco and London I would be happy to take it. I even promise to find a chick on the side in both places.

Two countries. Two chicks. No problems.

Melissa also wants to talk about how cool it will be when Spencer goes off to UPenn. Except, oops! Spencer didn’t get in! Veronica decides to show off just how terrible her parenting skills really are by refusing to believe that Spencer got rejected. It was pretty sad.

And on my left you can see a fine example of a Grade A One Percenter. Sometimes known locally as a WASP.

Fortunately sister Melissa is all about helping Spencer scam her way in. I mean, UPenn is the best college in the world. Way better than Duke or Stanford or MIT or UChicago or Yale or Princeton or, I don’t fucking know, Harvard. Nope. None of those will do. Now that Spencer’s been rejected from UPenn the only thing to do is to go all Blair Waldorf and scheme her in.

If there’s a UPenn, shouldn’t there also be a MePenn? Don’t I deserve a penn too?

Across town Hanna and Ashley are having a less than ideal Take Your Daughter To Work Day. You know, the kind of day that involve the police showing up to your place of work. Fortunately, Detective 2.0 and  Detective Badass aren’t there to search through Ashley’s things. They’re checking out Wilden’s safety deposit box which Ashley just happens to be in charge of.

Now that we all have gloves on, let’s pop open this box of toys and get this party started!

Wilden’s box has got cash, a gun and most importantly, a Canadian Passport.

Shit We Learned This Episode
1. Wilden is Canadian

Wilden, Eh?

Wait. Did Wilden die just before Canada Day? He didn’t even get to celebrate Canada Day 2013?! Oh the humanity!

Later that night, Spencer and Emily talk on the phone. They decide to use Melissa’s mask as leverage to force Melissa to admit that her face is actually a permanent mask and underneath it she’s actually a crab-person.

You’re so hot in your picture. I just can’t wait to meet in real life.

Once they hang up, Spencer does a quick Google search for Dr. Louis Palmer who is maybe a pediatrician or maybe a family practice doc or maybe Wren’s alter ego. Emily on the other hand eavesdrops on her parents. They’re worried about her/the family/drug allegations/murders. You get the picture.

I’m so constipated, I don’t even wanna leave the bathroom.

The next morning Emily tries to deal with this problem head on. She goes straight from her Lesbian Camouflage Enthusiasts of America meeting straight to the doctor’s office to explain everything.

Tell it to me straight doc. What’s my fingerbanging future looking like?

It goes wonderfully and the doc calls Family Services and explains it was all just a big misunderstanding. Just kidding! She makes it worse! Now he really really thinks Emily is being abused and also she has a partial tear in one of her rotator cuff muscles and can’t swim anymore! She might even have to get surgery! With an unpredictable outcome! This is not Emily’s day.

Are you saying I might never be able to fingerbang again?!

Like ever?!

Starsweep across town where Hanna has stalked Detective Badass all the way to one of Rosewood’s many fine benches. Detective Badass is reading a bunch of case files and wearing blue pumps. Reading the case files is significant as those files are probably totally confidential and shouldn’t be read in public. The blue pumps are significant because they’re cute and I want them.

Did you get those shoes at Payless? Because I heard they were, like, totally rebranding.

Hanna sits down next to Detective Badass. I’ve decided she’s a total lezzie. Detective Lezzie Badass

Oh this? It’s just a vegan flaxseed strawberry smoothie and a hand rolled cigarette.

Hanna asks Detective Lezzie Badass a bunch of questions that seem posited exclusively to make her seem guilty. What’s with all of Wilden’s cash? What’s with his gun? What’s with the passports? Who killed Jenny?

Anal.

Detective Lezzie Badass responds the way any perfect middle aged lesbian detective would. By being totally manipulative and digging for the truth.

Or is it more of an imperial period of Tsars around these parts?

She sort of oddly reminds me of a really effective lesbian high school vice principal  Is that a thing? Either way I sort of think she’s awesome. Am I falling in love with the bad guy? Someone stop me.

I’m going to love you forever.

Caleb walks up and pulls Hanna away. You don’t ever let your girlfriend talk to another lesbian. Ever.

I can explain! I really do like you! I’ve just liked him longer.

Starsweep across town where the Pretty Little Liars writing staff seems determined to make me stop watching this episode and just proceed to check out girls on OKCupid for an hour. In other words, it’s a TobAy’s mom scene. Dr. Louis Palmer turns out to be the doctor TobAY’s mom saw. He decides to drive up to see the doc that day. You know, because telephone is a nonexistent communication form on TV.

Why am I even still on this show?

Spencer skips the drive and heads over to the Life Cafe to hang out with Aria and Emily and play a round of Veronica Mars.

Okay everyone look at my ass and tell me if I have panty lines.

Just as they’re discussing how to best present Melissa with the mask mold, Paige walks in. Praise the fucking lord. I would not have made it another week without some lezzie action.

This doesn’t look like the Park Slope Coop. I must have taken a wrong turn.

Emily tells Paige about her shoulder.She and Paige softly cry to one another while Paige strums “Landslide” on her guitar. Actually, Paige tries to cheer Emily up by joking about getting a competitive edge in swimming. It’s so cute. I could die. Alone. I probably really should scour OKCupid for another hour in the slim chance I find someone who makes me happy. Wait, what was I saying?

How’d the meeting go? What’s the timeline on fingerbanging?

Emily goes to ask Paige “What if I can’t swim anymore?” but ends up stopping herself short. I don’t think this is just about Stanford either. I think this is about Emily knowing that swimming is sort of their thing together. Maybe she’s scared if she loses swimming she’ll lose Paige too. I cry.

Listen, even if you never fingerbang another day in your life I’ll still love you.

Then they kiss. But not the way high school lesbians kiss. The way middled aged lesbians kiss when one of them just got home from dropping their oldest kid off at soccer but there are still another two kids at home. What I’m saying is high school lezzies use tongue. There, I said it.

It’s okay for TV as long as no lips actually touch.

“The Fosters” Episode 105 Recap: Remember When You Used to Love My Chimichangas?

Episode 5 opens in the Great Lesbian Kitchen where there is much milling… of people, not of grains. Lena comes in and immediately confesses that she forgot the guacamole! Stef says, “Remember when you used to love me?” and I say that all the time! Not to Lena but to Luisa and Luisa always says, “I still love you” but Lena says, “Don’t do that.” which is less endearing.

Lena, Lena, Lena – won’t you fill my bowl?

Jesus and Lexi are heading upstairs and that’s when I notice all the people – it’s a full house! But the kind without hearts, spades or the Olsen twins. Stef reminds Jesus that he can’t have a girl in his room unless one of them is upstairs which seems pretty lax because I don’t think he should have a girl in his room unless Stef or Lena is sitting on his bed. Jesus doesn’t want to hang out with Stef and Lena’s boring friends and I only now piece together that they are having a party. I thought maybe Bill the social worker had called again. Stef tells him to take out the trash and Marianna breezes in and implies that Lexi is the trash and erases all the good will I felt towards her at the end of last week’s episode. Lena is all, “Knock it off Marianna” and Marianna is all, “You can’t make me” and then Marianna takes cheese cubes to the living room. Marianna then spies with her little eye two more lesbos coming in with a teenage boy in tow.

Digression 1: He’s carrying a cake in a Tupperware container. Does Tupperware still exist? I haven’t seen one of those plastic cake things since I was but a wee lass growing up in the plains of Kansas.

Marianna is excited to see Cake Boy, who seems very familiar to me but I can’t place him. The Unidentified Lesbian Moms (ULMs) go into the kitchen and surprise! The cake is vegan! ULM1 compliments ULM2 for her cooking skills and then goes outside where Stef is apparently “womaning the grill” and Lena doesn’t say it with humor which means I hate it. Then, Jenna (ULM2) tells Lena that she and Kelly (ULM1) are having a rough patch and I think, “Damn. Eczema’s a bitch.” But she’s not talking about that. She’s talking about the kids and work and bills and routine and lack of sexy times and I want to ditch this show right this minute and go find my lady friend and have all the sex so that I don’t turn out like Jenna the Depressing Vegan Chef.

Digression 2: Jenna is wearing Keen Coronado shoes in brindle. I know because I just bought the same shoes. In a daring move, however, Jenna went with the brown laces while I went with tan. I am hoping that my tan laces shall serve as a talisman against suffering Jenna’s fate.

After the party, everyone is in the kitchen cleaning up and I mean everyone because Wyatt Earp is there too. We learn two things: 1) Cake Boy is participating in a poetry slam and they’re all going to go 2) Wyatt dries a mean plate.

Matching hair! It’s not just for lesbian couples!

Cue intro Montage of Family Emotion.

Next, Callie sees Mr. Earp out of the house because he has to get home to condition his lovely locks. Brandon tells Callie that Wyatt slept with Talya and then dumped her which makes Wyatt a bad guy. Brandon, have you met Talya? There were probably plenty of reasons to dump her. Meanwhile, Lena and Stef are upstairs folding laundry which is obviously the only thing they do in their bedroom besides sleep. Lena mentions that Jenna and Kelly haven’t had sex in over a year and asks when the last time they had sex was. We hear Jeopardy music while Stef thinks which is never good. So, they cuddle up with their phones to schedule a date night and decide that Lena will leave school early one day and Stef will take a late lunch and they will have some Afternoon Delight. Lena leans in for a preview and Stef says, “Do we have more of those antacids, sweetheart? Because your chimichangas are killing me.” And no amount of wishing on my part makes that a euphemism for boobs. As Lena and Stef discuss reflux, Jesus is eclipsing Lexi on her bed and as the music says, “Nobody knows how to get to the middle of you…” How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? Jesus is about to find out.

Marianna is painting her nails and Jude mentions that he likes the color and she offers to do his. This is such a sweet little interaction and it balances out her craziness about Lexi. Callie sees the nail painting, however, and tells Jude not to wear nail polish to school.

Digression 3: When my son was about 2, he loved to have his nails painted but, as soon as it got a little chipped, he wanted the polish off and new polish applied immediately. Since we do not have a full-time manicurist on staff, he sometimes had to wait. One day, he was upstairs in his room for a nap and I heard him yell, “Oh shit! Cottonballs!” I ran upstairs and was overcome with the smell of fingernail polish remover. He had taken it from the cabinet and was sitting on his bed pouring it on his fingers when he remembered that he should have used cottonballs. Ruined the mattress.

Callie teleports to Anchor Beach School for Chatty Teens where she asks Wyatt about Talya. He tells her they had sex but Talya got weird and controlling afterwards so he broke up with her and, as much as I don’t like Earp, I believe what he says about Talya. Wyatt then asks Callie out and she accepts.

Jude and Friend are talking about fishing and Friend steps away for a moment and Bullies arrive and make fun of Jude’s nail polish. They push him into a locker and a teacher intervenes but Friend has seen the whole incident and he and Jude exchange looks but I have no idea what the looks mean.

Lexi and the Lollipop Kid are at the beach talking about the previous night’s exploration of her middle and she worries about being pregnant and I shake my head because I’m certain Stef covered this in her Great Works of Literature Sex Talk Series. Speaking of Stef, she is checking out the sensual massage oils at the pharmacy. She gets in line to pick up a prescription and the woman ahead of her is getting a prescription for the Morning After Pill. Stef pays for her ugly lavender lube and leaves the store to find the Morning After Pill woman giving the pill to the Lollipop Kid and he thinks, “Of all the gin joints in all the towns, she walks into mine.”

You can’t judge a lube by its bottle.

Real Lesbian Housewives of the Internet

Stef and the Lollipop Kid return home and Lena descends the stairs. She’s not nude descending the staircase but she is wearing a robe and I think I saw her chimichangas. Stef tells Lena that Jesus and Lexi had sex, didn’t use a condom and he got some random woman in the pharmacy to get the Morning After pill for him. They send Jesus to his room so they can figure out what to do next and it’s clear that “what to do next” is not going to involve the lavender lube. Stef wants to give Lexi the pill but Lena doesn’t. Lena says, “I’m her vice principal!” They discuss teen pregnancy, abortion, adoption and they are growly and disagreeable and Lena goes upstairs to change.

Kids ruin everything.

Garrett the Cake Boy and Marianna return from a showing of “On the Road” and Marianna is frustrated because she thought it was a date but Garrett didn’t seem to think it was a date and Callie says, “Do you really want to date someone whose pants were tighter than yours?” and Marianna laughs and I think Callie shouldn’t judge Garrett and his pants when she is dating Teen Fabio.

Digression 4: I finally recognized Garrett! He is the kid who won the NPR Snap Judgment story slam with the story about his lesbian moms. I loved him in that but he bugs me on this show. Maybe because he talks like a nerdy robot.

Jude is playing video games and Lena asks him if he is okay after the incident at school. Callie butts in to tell him once again to take off the polish and Jude leaves in a huff. Not to huff. Hopefully. Callie tells Lena that the world is not like life in the Charming Lesbian Craftsman and this isn’t permanent and Jude needs to be ready for the real world. Then, Wyatt Earp arrives and they head out for their date. Brandon asks Lena where they are going and she tells him, “Disneyland!” Really Brandon? You’re not that dumb. Then, Wyatt and Callie arrive at a beach house and Wyatt takes a key from a secret key-in-a-rock hiding place and it still feels like breaking and entering.

Jude is in the bathroom trying to take off the polish with a hand towel and Lena comes in to help and does not yell, “Why the hell are you using our good hand towels for that?!” like I would have.

Digression 5: I may just be bitter because, just last night, Luisa said, “Why is there red food coloring all over the bath mat?” and I sighed because I hadn’t seen it and had specifically told the kids not to use food coloring for their zombie movie and they did it anyway.

Lena starts taking off Jude’s nail polish with ohshitcottonballs and says, “When Stef and I are at home, we hold hands and kiss. Sometimes, when we’re out in a new neighborhood or we are walking home late or to our car, we won’t hold hands.” She goes on to say that she gets mad at people who judge and gets mad at herself for not taking a stand. She goes on, “If you are taught to hide what makes you different, you end up feeling a lot of shame about who you are and that’s not okay. What’s wrong is the people out there who make us feel unsafe.” I have nothing snarky to say about this scene. I want to hug them both.

Wyatt and Callie are at the beach house and Wyatt tells Callie she has “an eye booger” and then offers to get it for her and goes in for a kiss. Thanks Wyatt! Now I know the key to getting in someone’s pants is to tell them they have an eye booger! Then, they hear a noise and Callie says something about his parents being gone and he says, “Yeah, this isn’t my house!” and I say, “AHA! I KNEW IT!” They run and police cars pull up and Callie is understandably upset because we can all agree that most dates shouldn’t involve trespassing and/or breaking and entering. Callie calls Brandon who picks them up from the scene of the crime.

Digression 6: My first lesbian date ended on the roof of a small town Pizza Hut but she knew what we were doing because she helped me push the dumpster up against the wall.

Marianna goes to the poetry slam and there is a girl performing, “There’s a tiny bit of mustard in the crack of your frown…” and I have a horrible flashback to one of my first weekends in Minneapolis when my Pizza Hut girlfriend wanted to go see a performance art piece in which a man was going to drink his own urine. I did not wish to attend this event and I should have known right then that our days were numbered. The urine drinking divide could not be bridged.

Garrett asks Marianna why she’s there and she says, “I’m performing.” and I say, “I’m nervous.” Then, the mustard girl comes over and Garrett introduces her as Savannah and Marianna compliments her and Savanna dismisses her and I spend the next 10 minutes writing mean poems about Savannah. Marianna takes the stage and reads her poem and there is no mustard because the Fosters hate condiments and condoms, “Your smile is a flower on the garden of your face.” I had reason to be nervous. No surprise – Marianna does not win the poetry slam. She asks one of the judges for feedback afterwards and he tells her they were looking for something raw. But not like steak because of Mad Cow Disease.

Callie and Brandon arrive home and Brandon pouts and Callie thinks he hates Wyatt but he says, “I don’t want you dating Wyatt because I don’t want you dating anyone.” NO! NO! NO! I was clinging to the hope that this was not happening! I was misreading the signs! I was being paranoid! All of my denial comes crashing down on the darkened stoop of the Charming Craftsman. Callie tells him that this kind of thing happened before and the family sent them away. Brandon is as naive as I was 5 minutes ago and says that would never happen with the Fosters.

The next day at school, Wyatt (I can no longer call him Earp because Wyatt Earp was a sheriff and never would have stolen a key from the secret hide a key rock to seduce a lady) approaches Callie and tries to apologize and she’s not having it until she sees Brandon watching them and then she’s all, “Oh well! So what that I was on probation and your stunt could have landed me back in juvey! Let me kiss yo face!” Blech.

Jude is wading through a sea of people to sit down and have lunch. He’s all alone looking into his brown paper bag when Friend comes and joins him which is sweet but then we see that Friend has painted his nails blue and then we all cry. No? Just me?

The Lollipop Kid is at the beach with The Lollipop and it’s clear that she got the pill. Lexi tells Jesus that she likes him but they shouldn’t try to find the center of her lollipop anymore and he is fine with that and they kiss and remain my favorite kid characters.

Marianna is looking at pics on her lap top and gets a text from Garrett asking if she’s coming to the poetry slam finals and she goes into the bathroom and starts rummaging around for things…pills, peroxide, something in a ceramic dish. I think she’s going to dye her hair. Actually, I have no idea what she’s doing.

In the next scene, Jude is making a sandwich as Callie comes home from school. He says, “Their peanut butter is all weird and oily but it’s still kinda good if you add sugar.” I laughed so hard at Jude and the Battle of the Organic Lezzy Peanut Butter.

Organic natural lesbian peanut butter! Just add sugar!

Callie asks him why he is wearing the nail polish and he says he likes it and won’t take it off and she tells him not to get too invested in this family. She says, “You’re gonna get hurt.” and he says, “I already hurt.” Oh Jude. You are so much less creepy this week. Perhaps you’ve had some acting classes.

Lena, the Vice Principal of Reproductive Rights, is packing up (not packing) in her office and Lexi comes in and asks if Lena is disappointed in her. Lena asks Lexi about her mom and she says that her mom would be super mad if she found out the sinful lesbians killed her unborn baby.

Stef comes downstairs in a fine leather jacket just as Lena gets home and Lena says, “Were you gonna tell me?” instead of “You look hawt!” which is why they haven’t licked any lollipops lately. Turns out that Stef gave Lexi the pill without telling Lena. Stef says, “I did it so you didn’t have to.” and Lena says, “How generous.” and Stef says, “That’s not productive.” and this is the evolved lesbian equivalent of a knock down drag out. They don’t have time to exchange more “I” statements, however, because they have to go to the poetry slam but where is Marianna? Marianna comes down and she has pierced her nose and Stef says, “What happened to your face?” Jude asks if it hurt and Stef says, “Of course it hurt. You punched a hole in your face.” Lean stares at Marianna and finally regains her senses because POETRY SLAM!

At the slam, Garrett is performing a version of the piece from the NPR story slam and it’s watered down and weak here which is too bad but there are plenty of shots of the crowd looking moved. Afterwards, Marianna approaches him and tells him that he was great and he says that his moms are splitting up. I blame Jenna’s brown shoelaces and eczema. He asks about the piercing and she says she wants to be “edgier” and he tells her she’s “pretty great.” Too bad Wyatt didn’t tell him about girls and their eye boogers.

The car pulls into the driveway and all of the kids get out of it like it’s some sort of Queer Clown Car but Stef and Lena don’t get out because they need to talk about Jenna and Kelly. Stef says, “I’m sorry the way I handled the pill thing. Not the giving part but um…” and Lena says, “And I’m sorry I forgot to buy your guacamole.” Stef calls her a saint and then a “hot saint” and they start making out and then Lena says, “Let’s take this somewhere a little more comfortable…” and Stef climbs into the back seat and Lena launches herself onto her like a lesbian big cat in genie pants! Lesbian moms do it in the car! Damn. I really need to get rid of my Yaris.

Lesbians drive a stick shift.

Overall impression: Not nearly enough time spent on the Lena/Stef storyline though I’m happy they got it on at the end.

Favorite line: “Remember when you used to love me?”

Really? Did they have to do that?: Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Always the Brandon and Callie thing.