Nine Things to Wear to Pride That Aren’t Clothes, Because F*ck It
This all started because I have been shopping for nipple pasties because, look, June gets hotter and hotter every year, and also, for some reason, with each passing day, I am becoming more and more unhinged and have gotten it into my head that if I go to Pride this year, my outfit is going to center around wearing alien or UFO nipple pasties. I’m going to start with the UFO pasties and get carried away from there!
So, here are nine things you can wear to pride that aren’t clothes, because fuck it.
#1 Nipple Pasties
You have your oddly Pride-appropriate UFO’s, your definitely Pride-specific pasties, honestly, I haven’t truly plumbed the depths here where it comes to all the different nipple pasties that exist that are also available for purchase and application to your nipples / chest in time for Pride, but, I do believe that this is a thing we can do together!
#2 Body Glitter
The sun will likely be out, and your body can do more than ~glisten with sweat~ because it can also glitter with sweat. I personally find that the NYX glitter adhesive adheres so well you will need other, different chemicals to remove it. They also have a variety of appropriate glitters at affordable prices you can put literally anywhere. I also frequently wear this stuff on my face and around my eyes, although sometimes my eyes hurt after. You’ve been forewarned.
#3 Temporary Tattoos
Look, little makes me have to reckon with how gay I have been for my entire life than remembering when I spiked my hair with gel and streaked it with temporary hair dye, put on a black tee shirt, slapped a temporary tattoo on my neck, and walked into the 6th grade.
So, I encourage us all to bring this energy back for Pride. Some of these are so tame I cannot even, but you do you. Also, do not engage in cultural appropriation or give your money to anyone who is doing so. I love this kind of bloody temporary tattoo situation from H&M. I also honestly would 100% slap the they/them one of these on my face for a Pride weekend, if only so that people would stop misgendering me.
#4 Random Special Effects Prosthetics
What! Are! We! Doing!
We are getting spooky. We are learning theater / horror movie makeup. We are putting stuff that does not naturally grow upon our person on our person, going to Pride, and interacting with our fellow queer cuties because fuck it! People are gonna call you The Devil? Then why not wear some rainbow devil horn prosthetics? Do you love Clive Barker or feel like you would? Why not wear this [NSFW] “flower choker”?
#5 Sunscreen
Chances are, you’re going to be out in the sun. As a very pale person, I cannot recommend bringing sunscreen with you enough. Likely, you’re already going to get dehydrated, so let’s not add to our bodies’ many woes by burning our skin. And if instead of a super flattering Caligula Inn shirt, you’ve opted for pasties instead, you’re going to want to take extra care make sure you don’t get burned on that skin that’s been hiding away all winter!
I usually wear a 60 SPF on my face most days but will add a 50-70 SPF (and bring it with me) if I’m going to be outside and in the sun for any period of time. I’ve also seen Black Girl Sunscreen recommended for people who don’t want a white cast from the sunscreen. Hot tip: kids’ sunscreen usually offers more coverage and honestly, yes, during the height of summer you will see me wearing baby sunscreen.
#6 Jewelry from Queer Makers
From WildFancy Design
Why not accessorize with a cauldron pin from queer-owned Etsy shop grrrlspells, with jewelry from the also queer-owned WildFancy designs, or from Automic Gold? Visit your local queer craft fairs or use social media to find and support local makers you love. There’s no better time than Pride to keep our money gay!
#7 Brightly Colored Wigs
Do you want to be able to remove your hair color at the end of the day without all the hassle of bleaching and dying it? You can…get a wig! Here’s one I found in pink that is cute, has dark roots and everything. Like, do you want bright yellow hair? Yes, the wigs are cheap and plastic but they are also way more affordable than a salon visit.
#8 Autostraddle Pins!
You can declare your pronouns of choice AND support this indie queer media site with a single purchase. These come in they/them, she/her, she/he/they, he/him, he/they, and she/they.
#9 The A+ Silver-Level Bandanna!
Each of the Silver Level A+ Perks
Did you know that for $12 a month or $120 a year, you can get access to all A+ content AND also receive a cute-as-fuck bandanna that you can wear to Pride or, let’s be real, anywhere?
A+ members keep Autostraddle here for everyone, and in addition to getting bonus content and cute perks, they also get the deep satisfaction of knowing that they’re paying the gift of queer media forward to the rest of their community.
Six Outfits You Can Buy to Match Your Dog
Dogs: We love them. They’re the cute little guys who live in our homes and in our hearts. They’re companions, they’re cheerleaders, they’re family. They’re also gay! Sally has definitively proved that having dogs is a time-honored lesbian pastime.
You know what else is gay? Matching. We’ve all heard of the lesbian twinning phenomenon, where we end up matching our partners, or even our dates — I showed up to a first date in 2014 and we were both wearing Old Navy v-necks over tank tops, jeans and Converse — and now it’s time to start matching our pets as well! Because what’s cuter than a dog in a vacation shirt? A dog AND their queer person in vacation shirts, that’s what!
There are so many more options out there than there used to be for matching your wardrobe to your dog’s. Most of the outfits below include apparel that has been made specifically for dogs, but I’ve also discovered that Milo fits perfectly into toddler-sized shirts.
Most adult clothing in this guide is sized through 4X.
Old Navy Family Camp Shirts in Orange You Glad
A: Printed Short-Sleeve Camp Shirt ($22) // B: Short-Sleeve Printed Linen-Blend Camp Shirt for Toddlers ($14)
Old Navy has a ton of family matching happening this summer, and there are so many amazing prints available! Orange You Glad is my very favorite. It looks good on literally everyone and it reminds me of Our Flag Means Death! My 19-pound dog fits happily into a 12-18 month toddler button-up.
Old Navy Pride Collection: Love Out Loud
A: Jersey-Knit T-Shirt for Pets ($6) // B: Printed Canvas Tote Bag ($7)
Honestly thought this print said Live Out Loud for a moment, but I love it even more now that I know it’s Love! I feel like this matching Pride set works especially well if you have a dog who will willingly fit INSIDE the tote bag, like for riding the subway to pride parties. Live! Love! Laugh out loud!
Old Navy Family Camp Shirts in Yes Toucan
A: Printed Short-Sleeve Camp Shirt ($32.99) // B: Matching Print Resort Shirt for Pets ($12)
This dog is absolutely living their best vacation life, and you can too! (You can toucan? I’m sorry.) This is the shirt you wear when the sand is white, the ocean is aqua blue, and your vacation package comes with unlimited beverages. Cheers!
Target Pride Collection: Welcome Everyone
A: Pride Adult Everyone Hoodie ($25) // B: Welcome Everyone Pride Dog and Cat Tutu Skirt and Cropped Tank Top ($10) // C: Pride Toddler Everyone Short Sleeve Round Neck T-Shirt ($8)
This Pride collection has dog AND cat representation, which is very inclusive! Do cats tolerate crop tops? Time will tell! Everyone is welcome at Target.
Target Family Pajamas: Rainbow Stripe
A: Women’s Striped Matching Family Pajama Set ($20) // B: Pet Striped Matching Family Pajama Bandana ($5) // C: Men’s Striped Matching Family Pajama Set ($20)
I absolutely love soft pajamas, and I want these so much! They look perfect for bed or for taking a work-from-home break to walk Milo to the mailbox. We’ll be the envy of the neighborhood. “Are those the–” “The Target family striped pajamas in rainbow? Yeah, they are!”
MeUndies Hoodies, Bralettes, Undies and BuddyBands
A: Dog Hoodie ($28) // B: FeelFree Triangle Bralette ($34) // C: FeelFree High-Waisted Cheeky ($20) // D: BuddyBands™ Bandana ($14)
My underwear drawer is literally overflowing with soft undies in fun prints from Me Undies, but I did not know until today that they also make hoodies and bandanas for pets! Their prints rotate all the time, but here’s one of my favorites. Breakfast is served!
Statement Sunglasses for Summer That You Can Buy on Memorial Day Sale
My philosophy on sunglasses is simple: They must be big. So big that they cover half of my face. And they must be jet black.
I describe this aesthetic as “rich white republican grandma on her fifth martini, sitting in the backyard her family’s estate in Connecticut and watching her grandson Chip play polo.” Do I know what all those words mean? I sure do not! I don’t even know if one plays polo on the grass to begin with. I have no idea how any of this this works. But I know this! When I put on sunglasses, I want you to think my Black gay ass is Nancy Reagan. Blue blood elite cosplay, I know that’s right.
There’s a high chance that you are going to shop this weekend, maybe. There’s an even higher chance that you’re going to daydream how hot you are going to look this summer, probably. And I know that we don’t know each other, but babe – you are going to look so fucking hot.
So! With that in mind! Here’s 10 sunglasses you can shop right now from Memorial Day sales (while still supporting queer indie media *wink *wink).
J.Crew
At J.Crew, you can take 50% off these sunglasses with the code SUMMER.
Cabana Oversized Sunglasses ($69.50)
Madewell
Everything (everything) is 25% off at Madewell through May 30 with the code LONGWEEKEND.
Acetate Linford Aviator Sunglasses ($69.50)
Fest Square Aviator Sunglasses ($69.50)
Urban Outfitters
Urban Outfitters has select summer items as 50% off through the long weekend. You can also get an extra 40% off already on-sale items.
Jojo Translucent Rectangle Sunglasses ($16)
Belinda Combination Hexagon Sunglasses ($16)
Nordstrom
Nordstrom’s Half-Yearly Sale has literally thousands of shit for up to to 65% off (applied to these sunglasses, that brings them down to $9 and $6, respectively. YES. NINE DOLLARS. SIX DOLLARS. THASSIT.)
BP 52mm Rectangle Sunglasses ($15)
Old Navy
Old Navy promises that this weekend “the entire store is on sale!!!” which seems like a lofty promise if you ask me, but sure bud. (It is 60% off summer styles though, included these sunglasses that I want immediately.)
Pink Cat’s-Eye Sunglasses for Women ($16.99)
Get 25% Off Everything In Autostraddle’s Pre-Pride Sale!
Pride is around the corner, and you want to look as gay as possible, sometimes in a way that is only visible to other gay people and sometimes in a way that is out and proud in front of the whole world: we understand. We have merch for you and for one week only we’re offering 25% off EVERYTHING site-wide, using code PRIDE22. Check out some of the items below.
Basic Scissoring Green Tee
$25 $19
Basic Scissoring Pink Tee
$25
Team Dykes Black Tee
$25
Fisting 101 Black Tee
$25 $19
Caligula Inn Tee
$25
Who All’s Gay Here Tie-Dye Tee
$25
Bette For President Tee
$25 $19
The Lazy Femmes Band Tee
$25
Queer As Fuck Vintage Hoodie
$48
Gay Chaos Socks
$18
Fisting 101 Socks
$18
25% Discount code: PRIDE22
Valid May 23 – 28
As always, every purchase you make in the Autostraddle Store is a chance to support this website! Your money goes directly into the pockets of our staff. So buy yourself something cute and feel good knowing you’re also supporting the people making this website happen.
Embrace Your Inner Beach Mommi This Summer With Ocean-Themed Jewelry
I am very much a Beach Vibes Gay, which I thought was a recent development. After all, I never lived particularly close to the beach until the end of 2020 when I moved to south Florida. I started telling my girlfriend that I was going to start decorating our home with seashells and fish knickknacks, and I was only half-joking. (Indeed from where I’m currently sitting in my living room, I can see…three different fish knickknacks). But apparently beach vibes have always been in my DNA. I recently found a jewelry box from my youth, and it turned out to be a treasure trove of early-to-mid-2000s nautical jewelry???? I was not a Puka Shells Dyke, but I apparently was a Dolphin Ring Dyke. I found not one, not two, but FOUR dolphin rings in my old jewelry box. And you better believe I took those bad boys out and started unironically wearing them in the year 2022. I thought I had evolved into a Beach Mommi over time, but really, I’m just returning to my roots. Now all I wanna wear are nautically inspired jewelry and clothes from the Tommy Bahama catalogue. I am who I am and who I have apparently always been!!!!!! Also for more beachy looks, please refer to Christina’s excellent guide to dressing like you’re in the movie The Birdcage. Here is a queer beach jewelry guide for you, but first, a photo of one of my dolphin rings:
this is where I’m at, energetically
Everyday Sea Necklaces
1. Simple Wave Necklace ($22)
2. Dolphin Necklace ($22)
3. Ceramic Fish and Pearl Necklace ($138)
4. Sterling Silver Starfish Necklace ($26)
5. Oyster Necklace with Pearl ($27)
6. Rose Gold Under The Sea Charm Necklace ($68)
7. Octopus Pendant Chain Necklace ($51)
8. Seashells Choker ($22)
These are lowkey/versatile necklaces that could easily be layered with other necklaces and worn with everyday looks. Because not everyone necessarily wants a giant octopus on their neck! (Though if you are into a more maximalist sea creature look, see the next section, below). I for one am thrilled to see early 2000s-esque dolphin jewelry is having a MOMENT. I shall wear my rediscovered cheap dolphin rings with pride.
Statement Sea Necklaces
1. Maggie & the Octopus Locket ($33)
2. Black Acrylic Octopus Necklace ($26)
3. Mermaid Necklace ($16)
4. Brass Anchor Necklace ($28)
5. Jellyfish Necklace ($30)
6. Humpback Whale Necklace ($51)
7. Seagull Snacks Necklace ($46)
8. Beachy Chunky Bead Necklace ($48)
OH OKAY, you want to wear your ocean love BOLDLY. Perhaps Ursula is your villain origin story slash queer root? Perhaps you like something a little playful when it comes to your accessories? I’m very into these vintage-inspired nautical lockets like the one featured in the first image. The Etsy seller makes other ones, too, including one with a girl and an orca on it. For a couple extra bucks, you can throw a charm on it. And I am personally ready to just throw charms on everything again like it’s 2003. The artist who made the whale necklace in image six also makes an octopus version that is v cool.
Beachy Bracelets/Anklets
1. Seashell Friendship Bracelet ($7)
2. Beaded Shell Anklet ($7)
3. Octopus Cuff ($50)
4. Pura Vida Bracelet ($7)
5. White Wood Bead Bracelet ($12)
6. Beaded Wrap Bracelet ($29)
7. Assorted Sea-Themed Anklets ($20)
8. Kraken Labradorite Bracelet ($195)
Tbh when I do wear jewelry to the actual beach, it’s usually just a bracelet or anklet situation. Did I just buy an an abalone + dolphin charm bracelet on eBay to go with my many dolphin rings? Yes I did. And I didn’t link any of those above since usually only one is available, but if you are interested, here are some other vintage ones you can snag: Dolphin Silver Tone Bracelet ($9); Double Dolphin Silver Tone Bracelet ($9); Pink and Green Dolphin Bracelet ($6); 1980s Dolphin Bracelet ($9). (Am I the only one on this hyper-specific dolphin jewelry nostalgia journey??? Maybe so.)
Sea Creature Rings
1. Whale Shark Ring ($84)
2. Pura Vida Wave Ring ($16)
3. Oyster Ring ($40)
4. Octopus Ring ($15)
5. Crocodile Ring ($20)
6. Anchor Ring ($34)
7. Mermaid Ring ($11)
8. Underwater Ring ($59)
I realize this makes me a basic beach bitch, but I am absolutely a sucker for the Pura Vida wave rings. I wear mine almost daily. Also, do you know what your sea-themed rings would look great in? These very cute oyster ring dishes! Also, there are soooo many octopus rings out there, making me feel like I need an octopus ring. Also, it wouldn’t be a queer beach jewelry guide without some butch ring options. That anchor ring might be the basic butch version of a wave ring, but I’m into it sorry!!!! And of course, I must link some of THEE dolphin rings I can’t stop talking about (but once again, these are only available as single items or in low quantities so get em while you can!): Dolphin Rings in Various Shapes and Colors ($10, six available); Silver and Green Dolphin Ring ($13); okay who will be the brave soul who purchases this 36-set of dolphin rings for $25?????
Oceanic Ear Cuffs
1. Wave Ear Cuff ($16)
2. Tentacle Ear Cuff ($33)
3. Seascape Ear Cuff ($53)
4. Sting Ray Ear Cuff ($16)/
5. Shark Ear Cuff ($42)
6. Shell Ear Cuff ($16)
7. Whale Tail Ear Cuff ($40)
8. Starfish Ear Cuff ($20)
Are ear cuffs having a moment? Have ear cuffs BEEN having a moment and I’ve just been oblivious? Well, I’m thrilled, because I’m allergic to basically all earrings if I wear them in my actual piercings, but ear cuffs I can wear all day.
Seaside Earrings
1. Labradorite Jellyfish Earrings ($65)
2. Cuttlefish Earrings ($41)
3. Pineapple Opal Earrings ($12)
4. Oyster Earrings ($15)
5. Assorted Marine Life Studs ($10)
6. Lobster Claw Earrings ($12)
7. Mermaid Scale Earrings ($3)
8. Sparkly Hammerhead Shark Earrings ($10)
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from making this beach jewelry guide, it’s that people simply love to wear cephalopods??? Anyway, those linked cuttlefish earrings literally have “lesbian” in the title of the Etsy listing, and I’m not exactly sure why, but I do admit those cephalopods look like girlfriends.
Fishy Pins
1. Sardine Pin ($8)
2. Sea Turtle Pin ($8)
3. Ocean Heart Pin ($5)
4. Shark/Whale with Cocktails Pin Set ($32)
5. Tentacles in Mouth Pin ($13)
6. “Koifriends” Pin ($12)
7. Stabby Crab Pin ($12)
8. Flamingo Pin ($10)
If you want to wear an enamel pin-studded jean jacket to the beach, who am I to stop you? Or, perhaps, you merely want to rock the beach on your jean jacket/leather jacket/tote bag/etc. even when you are nowhere near the beach. I support it!
That’s it for this queer beach jewelry guide! What accessories do you wear to the beach/to channel the sea?
Five Plus-Size Outfits for Honoring the Ultimate Lesbian: Mother Earth
Earth Day is tomorrow, and with its arrival comes a period of reflection for environmentally conscious queers who want to make the earth a better place. Whether that’s reducing their use of single-use plastics, having a zero-waste kitchen, or making sure the clothes they have on their backs are ethically sourced, queer people love taking care of mother earth. She is the ultimate lesbian if you ask me.
Nowadays, it’s very hard to dress yourself in clothing that isn’t fast fashion. Many people have resorted to thrifting or shopping in vintage stores, which are both really great options. However, maybe you want to treat yourself with something new or maybe you are plus-sized and find thrifting to be difficult.
Here are five outfits sourced from mostly “slow fashion” outlets that you can rock on Earth Day and Beyond!
An Outfit for Contemplating Your Carbon Footprint
2. Pants ($118)
3. Birkenstocks ($100)
An Outfit for Picking Fresh Berries From the Community Garden
2. Birkenstocks ($140)
An Outfit for a Breezy Picnic With a Cutie
2. Striped Shoe ($108)
3. Mushroom Necklace ($42)
An Outfit for a Springtime Gay Wedding
2. Strappy Heels ($144)
An Outfit for an Earth Day Climate March
2. Joggers ($90)
3. Sneakers ($80)
Seven Spring Suits to Look Gay at Literally Every Occasion
Nothing quite says spring like bright colors, florals, and being the hottest person in line at Trader Joe’s for some reason. For me, fall and spring are the best times for fashion. They straddle the line between warm and cool, with just the right amount of chill in the air to rock a suit. Finding suits for your body can be tough when you’re plus size, so I’m creating this lookbook for you.
This lookbook is more geared toward femmes who want to rock a suit, but there are a couple of options for a butch or gender nonconforming person that wants to look like a ray of sunshine has stepped into the room.
If you’ve got money or maybe just a nice tax return, Sumisurra is a great option if you want to get a custom-made suit of any size.
With suits, getting them made just for your body or getting them tailored to your body is the best bet when you’re plus size, but there are a few retailers that make a nice one that won’t cost you custom-made prices. Here are a few:
A Satin Pink Suit for Proposing to the Love of Your Life During a Springtime Picnic
A Suit To Wear Without a Top When You Need to Take Fire Pics 🔥🔥🔥
A Suit For Dodging the Paparazzi
A Suit For Being the Brightest, Sexiest Person in the Office
A Suit For Being the Power Femme Top With Your Short Little Bottom
A Suit For When You Have a Life Changing Meeting
A Suit For Attending Your Exes Wedding
So You Want Some New Jewelry
Welcome back to So You Want To…a column dedicated to, hm, well I suppose whatever I decide it is! But mostly it is a column dedicated to vibes and fashion: specific events and feelings and whims. This month my whim is…jewelry! I’ve never been a big jewelry person, I am the kind of person who has worn the same ring on my right hand since my parents gave it to me when I was eighteen and I literally have not taken it off since. But something about the coming spring and wanting to feel a little more…exciting? When I do deign to put on real clothes and venture out of my house has made me wonder if jazzing up (“jazzing up” ??? Who says that???) outfits with some bling might make me feel a bit more fun? Or like myself? Or like whoever I want to be right now? Some combination of all of the above, I think. So I browsed, took note of the trends out there right now, and I am here to present you a spring jewelry guide with some fun baubles that might shake things up for you too!
Necklaces
Layered O Ring Chain Choker Necklace: Etsy ($23) // Raw Crystal Necklace: Etsy ($13+) // SVNX dangling chains silver necklace: ASOS ($13) // Gemstone Black Leather Choker: Etsy ($24)
Okay, so I don’t know that I personally am gonna go like, full on body chain slash collar, but! It IS fun and bold, and wow body chains are having a MOMENT right now! Maybe I am not so brave to wear one fully chest first but…I don’t know, summer is around the corner! I’m always gonna be a sucker for a wire wrapped witchy stone moment, and big, natural gems and stones are very much in the air and on the runways. I would absolutely toss this one over a sleeveless turtleneck. And if you are not fully scarred by the late 90s and early aughts, get yourself a fun choker! I like the simplicity of this gold V, and I have been deeply into a necklace that evokes a collar lately?? Blame my recent watch of The Expanse for that, I guess.
Bracelets
Pink Enamel Flower and Brass Tone Hinged Bangle: Etsy ($38) // Cuff Bracelet: Etsy ($13) // MOSS AGATE Gemstone Cuff: Etsy ($27) // & Other Stories bangle in gold: ASOS ($40)
Well is it cuffing season in these streets or what! Sorry, that was a terrible pun, but wow cuffs are the bracelet du jour right now! And not just simple, delicate cuffs, though I will always have an affinity for those, but big, statement cuffs that are all drama and frankly a ton of fun. There is also a ton of bright, fun enamel happening, which is kind of evocative being kid while still managing to feel like an adult? I’m into it!
Earrings
Snake ear cuff: Etsy ($15+) // Cat on the Moon Earrings: Etsy ($6) // “Francesca” Teardrop Earring: Koko Capri ($58) // Dumb B*tch Juice Earrings: Etsy ($23)
My ears have not been pierced for many years, due to one hole closing and me being like…eh, who really cares? I have so much hair that I don’t find that I miss the chance to adorn myself with an earring. That being said…ear cuffs? Very into that. Again, seeing a ton of bright and fun enamel here, like this little CAT on a MOON? For a slightly more refined vibe, these sea glass-esque statement earrings really speak to me. Frankly I laughed so hard the dumb bitch juice ones that I truly did consider getting my ears re-pierced.
Rings
Plastic ring with butterflies in blue: ASOS ($5) // Desert Signet Ring: Madewell ($98) // Emerald Cocktail Ring: Etsy ($98) // Initial Birthstone Ring: Etsy ($17)
Whew, I love a good ring! Whenever I feel like I want new jewelry, rings are always where I start. I am not fully sold on this butterfly enamel one, but when I tell you the 2000s are back, I am not kidding! Butterflies are everywhere, and this version is the one I could actually see myself rocking, maybe a bit tongue in cheek, but rocking! This huge, dramatic signet ring is truly the dandy from a noble house in a fantasy novel that I want to be. Or maybe I want to be the witch who has this lightly sinister connected ring moment? Like, just look at that and tell me it doesn’t have power! And look, I will always be the mom friend who likes a minimalist ring, and I love the birthstone/initial combination here.
A+ Members Can Get 20% Off The Autostraddle Store
It’s Our 13th Birthday A+ Member Merch Sale!
What better way to celebrate turning 13 than with 20% Off Everything in the Autostraddle Store?
Our A+ members are the whole reason we’ve able to celebrate thirteen whole years! And you know what? You all deserve the chance to dress the part of our queer heroes, whether that’s in the new Gay Chaos socks, a The Lazy Femmes band tee or our new pronoun pins! AND “stingers up” everyone, you can also get 20% off pre-orders for the shirt everyone’s buzzing about! 🐝
Located in scenic New Jersey!
Code: HAPPY13TH
Ends 3/10 at 11:59pm
Go Get ‘Em →
10 Kitchen Tools, Apps and Storage Tricks For Neurotic Solo Cooks
As we rounded the corner into 2022, I once again had a singular resolution in mind: cook more food at home (rather than resorting to my number one financial vice — having Postmates deliver food to my home). I live alone, and cooking for one comes with its own struggles, especially when you are neurotic about food freshness and not a huge fan of leftovers. I’ve tried meal kits: Daily Harvest, Blue Apron, Freshly, EveryPlate, Hungry Root, but never ended up with something that worked. So I turned to another way to pour money into a project about saving money: buying things that make home cooking easier and more psychologically appealing!!!
My friends… it worked.
Onion Goggles
If crying isn’t your favorite thing to do while you are attempting to cook a meal, there are lots of tips for tear-free onion chopping (some of which are discussed in this comment thread on another EXCELLENT post about kitchen gadgets for reluctant cooks!), but none of them really worked for me and my sensitive eyeballs. Then I found the magic formula: firstly, my genius brother informed me that refrigerating an onion makes it possible to chop tearlessly. Secondly: ONION GOGGLES!!!! A refrigerated onion + onion goggles = a tear-free chop.
Freshworks Storage Sets
A fun thing about me is that after numerous bouts of food poisoning, I have developed an intense neurosis around food freshness and perishability, an illogical mindset that has challenged the goodwill of many otherwise loving humans who feel I determine a food item is inedible (due to perceived devolutions of appearance, temperature, shape, form, or, most dreaded of all, its proximity to an expiration date) when they know it objectively is fine. So I thought buying a series of incredibly specific containers that extend the freshness of various foods would solve this problem completely — and it has, partially! First up: my greens literally last an entire extra week in these things, and they also extend the lifespan of my favorite food, raspberries. I’ve also read great things about these produce storage containers from OXO.
That said, it’s good to look up ideal storage for various produce before storing them, as many already arrive in their ideal containers! There are also lots of valuable tips out there for when you want to store pre-chopped veggies or the ideal set-up w/r/t washing and paper towels.
The Always Pan
In the 2021 Autostraddle Gift Guide, I declared my desire for an Always Pan, claiming “I think if I had an always pan that is good for “always” then I would immediately start cooking more and save lots of money.” My mother, bless her heart, immediately purchased me an Always Pan, and receiving an expensive gift is a great way to psych me into changing my behavior!!!!! Because what kind of a**hole gets an expensive gift from their Mom and then is like thanks but I’m ordering TenderGreens? NOT THIS GIRL. The Always Pan is not only beautiful which somehow makes cooking more appealing (I cannot understate the importance of this), it genuinely cooks food better than every other pan in the universe (by which I mean Ikea and Target pans I’ve been using all my life).
Avocado Keeper
This avocado keeper has been truly transformational, enabling me to use half of an avocado one day and then the other half later that same day! I got one for onions and tomatoes also.
Brilliance Leak Proof Food Storage Containers
I notoriously hate leftovers, but not anymore!! These microwave-safe containers “lock in freshness” and I don’t know what that means but it’s enough to calm my psychological issues.
Clear Stackable Kitchen Storage Bins with Handles
The longer this list goes on, the more I question my sanity, but somehow the beautifully organized kitchens of TikTok got me thinking that if everything in MY kitchen was beautifully organized using a series of overpriced plastic containers, it would be easier to find the tools and ingredients I needed — and also to quickly locate important snacks before they passed their imaginary expiration date — and I would cook more and waste less food. Honestly, I was correct?? I’m not sure which exact bins I ended up buying, ’cause I went to HomeGoods, but they looked like this — I use them for Lara bars, Bubbly waters, microwave popcorn, That’s It bars, fruit snacks and so much more. It’s also good to keep an eye on what I’m running low on now that my items are no longer obscured by their oppressive containers.
Everything Bagel Seasoning
The thing is I don’t even like Everything Bagels so that’s why I’m 85 years late to this trend, but a few months ago my girlfriend made me eggs and I was like wow what’s in these, these are amazing??? And it was Everything Bagel seasoning. It makes everything really good.
The Mealtime App
This app rules! You can tell it what you’ve got in your fridge already, your dietary preferences and foods you don’t like and also specify your priorities for your meal plan, like minimal food waste or an inexpensive menu, and it helps you build out menus for the week and makes you a grocery list!!
Mamison Reusable Household Gloves
Let’s be honest: it’s usually not cooking I am avoiding, it’s cleaning up after the cooking. These gloves last forever and make dishwashing much more pleasant, plus I can turn up the water to SCORCHING HOT for what I perceive is a superior clean!
An Audible Subscription
When I’m cooking with a friend/partner or they are cooking for me, we can sit in the kitchen and gab! When I’m cooking alone, I am left with a nightmare scenario: my own thoughts. I’ve noticed that I’m way more likely to cook complicated recipes when I want an excuse to keep listening to the book I’ve become obsessed with, so I also allow myself a healthy amount of cheap psychological thrillers.
Cozy Socks I Want to Own
OK. Here’s the deal. If you saw the article I wrote two weeks ago on nail polish, you already know that I’m coping with my anxiety about the apparent end of world with retail therapy and — I don’t know what to tell you, you’re either you’re into that or you’re not. But here’s gay socks!
Why socks? Five reasons, brainstormed 100% from the top of my head right now, why cozy socks should be queer culture:
- Socks are easily customizable to show off personality, ideal for a workplace setting when you want to flag “I’m a homo” or for when your sitting on your couch with your cats, I do not have cats because I am allergic, but we’re talking about a broader gay audience here
- As an accessory, socks are pretty gender neutral if not agender completely? So often when we do fashion content for Autostraddle, we have to approach it with “is there femme content? butch content?” but socks are… socks. And that’s beautiful.
- Socks just feel queer, maybe because they are overlooked but provide just the right amount of POP. Are straight people really rounding up socks for each other? I don’t think they are.
- Warm fluffy socks padding around on your kitchen floor on a weekend morning are the brunch of footwear. I don’t make the rules.
- Ugh… We have feet? (Don’t laugh! There’s no bad ideas in a brainstorm!!)
And so! Without further adieu, you can avoid work by looking at socks. You’re welcome.
* Usually on MLK Day, I write personal essays reflecting on the history of Black activism and lessons learned. But see my previous comment re: my current state of mental health about the world haha. That said! You should be calling your Senators today to tell them to abolish the filibuster, which is going to be the first step in getting the Voting Rights Act passed. I can’t emphasize enough that today especially that is the best, most actionable way you can honor a truly great man who believed in the universal right to vote above all else. Yes, I know that was an abrupt transition, but it was worth it. NOW SOCKS!
The Belgian-Waffle Wool–Cashmere Sock by Everlane ($21)
I am OBSESSED with this chartreuse (is that a word? did I make it up?) green color.
Cozychic Heathered Socks by Barefoot Dreams ($15)
Soft socks in a soft grey. Classic.
Pom Pom Sock by Everlane ($21)
This is giving me ’90s preppy mean girl, and I… I’m surprisingly here for it?
Tie Dye Crew Socks by Cross Colours ($8)
SPEAKING OF 90s NOSTALGIA. I want them. I want them on my feet right now.
Step Socks by Mother ($24)
Ok now I’m all the way down the nostalgia Choo Choo Train and cannot be stopped, but seriously!! These1960s inspired “make love not war” socks!?! IN LAVENDER!! C’mon!!
Everyday Plus Cushioned Socks by Nike ($22)
I always buy at least 10 pairs of these at the start of the year, and like clockwork I lose every pair to the washing machine monster. (They also come in the footie version if that’s your jam.)
Cloud Socks by Cloud Sock ($35)
I’ve been promised by the website that these are “The coziest cotton socks” and they come in a literal rainbow of colors. Just look at them? I believe!
Stance Socks by Maliboo ($10)
Socks really don’t have to be fluffy and pink to be cute, there’s a stoicism (can socks be stoic?) that I keep coming back to in this pair.
Cashmere Bed Socks by The White Company ($50)
These are easily the most expensive socks on this list. You and I both know that I do not have $50 to spend on cashmere socks. The idea alone is absurd. But these are the socks I dream of anyway. I dream of their softness and the loose hug of them around my toes, perfect for being underneath a blanket without your feet cramping, for long hours of reading a book and sipping tea on a Saturday afternoon. Perhaps with just a whisper (a whisper, I say!) of snow falling out of the window.
The life I could live.
The Slouch Socks by Hue ($8.50)
And on the other side of the spectrum, just a picture perfect slouchy tube sock. It literally goes with everything.
Custom Pup Socks ($24.99)
As I already mentioned today, I am allergic to all pets with fur. So these are not socks for me. BUT I am thinking of the greater gay good here, and definitely someone in your life wants to have their cat or dog on their feet with them at all time. We know who we are, as a people.
SVEA Collection by Nordic Socks ($27.99)
Much like Pup Socks above, these come to us courtesy of Nicole Hall our A+ and Fundraising Director (support queer indie media!), who had this to say: “They ship from Germany I think, so take a minute, but that’s good news for our European readers.”
Darn Tough Hiker Micro Crew Cushion Socks by REI ($24)
And once again, we have Nicole to thank: “Wool socks keep your feet drier than cotton if you’re out in lots of snow!” And listen, they woke up to multiple feet of snow this morning outside their door, so they know exactly what tf they are talking about.
Fisting 101 Socks by Autostraddle ($18)
Yes, yes, you know I couldn’t leave us on our sock journey without plugging some of our own merch, right? I simply must do it.
Here’s the story: I bought a pair of these on the exact day they came out, and after they were delivered to my house they mysteriously… disappeared… right after Christmas. I’m convinced they were stolen by ghosts of lesbians past (or they rolled under my bed never to be seen from again, who’s to say?)
Gay Chaos Socks by Autostraddle ($18)
THESE ARE OUR #1 SELLERS!! So much so that they are out of stock right now, but you can get on the waitlist. And you should! Because you could be wearing these purposely mis-matched socks and living out your own 1980s cheerleader queer fantasy. I want that for you. I want it so badly.
New Year’s Resolutions Feel Impossible, but Fuck It These Nail Polishes Are Not
As of today, we are officially one week into the New Year. And the overwhelming sentiment seems to correctly be Fuck New Year’s Resolutions. Last year was hard. The year before was hard. If you are surviving at all, you’re already thriving — and by thriving there’s a 78.7% chance that I mean you cried this morning and also forgot to have lunch. And that’s ok! Do you want to know what I have gotten very into this week? Googling 2022 nail polish trends.
Why? Who knows!! I probably only paint my nails a few times a year (I hate getting chips), but something feels accomplishable, nay I say it, meditative about sitting for 12 minutes in absolute silence and just… painting your nails. No deadlines. No doom filled news. No worries about money or illness or anything that’s not simply painting your fucking nails. What if, instead of adding more pressure to be always be Better during a time that is already patently The Worsttm we just stared out of a window with empty heads and freshly painted nails?
(Alternatively I should have named this post lazy femme queer manifestation flagging, but I didn’t think that alphabet soup would get picked up by Google.)
Did You Want to Be More at Peace? Try Periwinkle
Supposedly periwinkle is the color of 2022 according to people who study colors. I know very little about that, but doesn’t looking at it just wash peace right over you? It’s like a cool pond in a quiet forest with a perfect breeze. Imagine looking at this color on your hands instead of screaming into void. You know you like it.
Buy It: Plant Power Nails in Soul Surfing — $10.99
Buy it: Sally Hansen Miracle Gel in Crying Out Cloud — $10
Are You Looking to Kick Insomnia’s Ass? What About Navy Blue?
If you are me, then you are not sleeping. First I’d recommend this guide I wrote about sleeping in 2019 — but those are a lot of steps to follow! And we are what? E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D, so instead look at the navy blue and pretend it’s a starry night sky. Will you feel more refreshed? No! But it’s pretty.
Buy it: Olive & June in OMG — $7.99
Buy it: OPI in Abstract After Dark — $7.99
More Exercise? Going Outside and Offline? Green! Green! GREEN!
Are you just constantly refreshing your FYP or your Instagram feed? Do you need fresh air? Are your bones creeking from constantly sitting at a desk/on a chair/not moving?
Do bodies benefit from exercise, both for physical and emotional health? Yes, yes they do. And you should probably do that. But in the meantime, have you considered… green nail polish? It’s like the outside, but it’s on your fingers. And no one had to sweat. (I hate sweat.)
Buy it: Essie in Off Tropic — $8.99
Buy it: Essie in Beleaf in Yourself — $8.99
Buy it: People of Color Nail Polish in Drinks on Me — $12
Looking for Balance Amid a Stressful Schedule? Neutrals
Congratulations, you are ACTUALLY getting shit done two years into this pandemic! I believe in you! You have an overflowing Google calendar and a paper planner that’s already filled to the seams even though it’s only January. Maybe you have living, breathing things that depend on you (kids, dogs, plants) so you can’t stop now. Maybe you’re just a person with that fire in their belly to keep pushing forward.
Either way, you don’t have time for chipped nails — be real, you don’t have time for this article — and so, for you, I gift: NEUTRALS!
Buy it: People of Color Nail Polish in Brown Sugar Babe — $12
Buy it: Essie in Cliff Hanger — $9
Buy it: Olive & June in CCT – $8
Being Your Best Gay Self? It’s Gotta Be All Black, Baby
Nothing says I’m gay like black nail polish. It’s a classic for a reason.
Buy it: Essie Quick Dry in Now or Never — $8.99
Buy it: OPI in Black Onyx — $10.79
And Finally… Fuck Me Red.
Do I even have to say it?
If your New Year’s Resolution is to date, get on them apps, fall in love, put yourself out there, great. If it’s to positively have your back blown out like it’s never been before, I am also here to support you.
Let’s go.
Buy it: Chanel in Pirate — $30
A+ Members Get 20% Off Autostraddle Merch — Including All New Designs!
Did you hear? We just launched a buttload of new merch in the Autostraddle store yesterday!
I want to give a BIG shoutout to everyone who participated in the merch conversation during our Discord event a few months ago! From those conversations we were inspired to turn the phrase “GAY CHAOS” from Surabhi into a pair of amazing socks and a gorgeous sticker. We also created The Lazy Femmes tee — which came out of a conversation about how queer merch kinda feels like band tees sometimes. And finally Snails, who tie-dyed their own Who All’s Gay Here tee, which inspired our very own tie-dyed version. Here are some of the conversations we had with you below:
![laneia: i just want to flag, in case anyone was thinking this was a bit just for the discord, that 40% of our usual conversations are very much "make this an article??!" so this really feels like an extension of our general channel in slack tonight WHICH IS TO SAY THAT I LOVE IT
snails: tie dye! [photo of a white 'who all's gay here' tee with hot pink spiral dye]](https://autostraddle-develop.go-vip.net/wp-content/uploads/2021/12/Screen-Shot-2021-10-18-at-11.55.23-AM.png?resize=1470%2C1088)
Thank you for being an A+ Member — scroll down to the bottom of this post to get your super special code to save 20% off everything in the Autostraddle Store.
xoxo,
Sarah
Queer As Fuck Vintage Hoodie
$38.40 $48.00
Our beloved Queer as Fuck tee is now a hoodie! Designed by Sarah Sarwar. Printed on 100% Ringspun Combed Cotton, Mineral Washed for Vintage Look. S – 3XL
Scissoring Tees in NEW COLORS
$20 $25
Yes, it’s true. Our classic scissoring tee now comes in two beautiful jewel-tone shades — kelly green and rosy pink. Illustrated by Rory Midhani and printed on super-soft triblend fabrication. XS – 3XL
Fisting 101 Tee
$20 $25
Listen you can just call it a “hands tee” if you want, nobody has to know. Except the people who, you know…. know. Designed by Ren Strapp. Printed on super-soft triblend fabrication. XS – 3XL
Team Dykes Tee
$20 $25
Our popular hat is now a t-shirt! Designed by Sarah Sarwar. Printed on super-soft triblend fabrication. XS – 3XL
Who All’s Gay Here Tie-Dye Tee
$20.80 $26.00
Finding out who all is gay here remains an important item on our agenda. This time we tie-dyed it for you, so you can blend in just enough. Designed by Erin Sullivan. Hand-dyed on 100% cotton crewneck. XS – 3XL
The Lazy Femmes Band Tee
$20 $25
A thing we have told ourselves about the heterosexual reaction to our shirts is that probably people think they are all band tees? Well, we decided to lean into that with this tee: introducing the Lazy Femmes! Designed by Kirstin Bencomo-Cooper. Printed on a relaxed (loose-fitting), scoop-neck women’s style tee. XS – 2XL
Gay Chaos Socks
$14.40 $18.00
Gay chaotic is chaotic good, we think? Putting this phrase all over our merch was a great suggestion from an A+ member in our Fundraiser Discord! You dreamed it and we believe it and now it is on your FEET. Concept by Kayla Kumari. Designed by Sarah Sarwar. Ribbed cotton crew with compression and cushion. One Size — will fit from a woman’s size 6 up to a men’s size 11.
Fisting 101 Socks
$14.40 $18.00
Hands? On your feet?? Gay people are always doing the most progressive things. These cute black and white socks will go with absolutely everything in your closet. Run, don’t walk, and snag one of these coveted pairs that you can walk and run in! These cotton crew style socks are designed by Ren Strapp. One Size — will fit from a woman’s size 6 up to a men’s size 11.
Brand New Pronoun Pins
$8 $10
Since 2016 we’ve offered She/Her and They/Them pronoun pins in a variety of styles. This year we’re adding four new pronoun pins to that collection and it’s about time! These gorgeous gold metal and hard enamel pins are designed by Betty Turbo.
Queer Elder Enamel Pin
$8 $10
Embrace your pride as someone who saw Xena when it aired with this pin! These fun, poppy pins are designed by Kirstin Bencomo-Cooper.
Brand New Stickers
$4 $5
Queer Elder – Yes, it’s true — the Queer Elder enamel pin also comes in a sticker! Designed by Kirstin Bencomo-Cooper. Glossy, durable, UV protected, waterproof lamination. 2″ x 1.5”.
Gay Chaos – Is there any type of show you’d rather see on your TV than one that radiates gay chaos??? Designed by Betty Turbo. Glossy, durable, UV protected, waterproof lamination. 2.5″ x 2”.
And finally, your code!
20% Off Everything in the Autostraddle Store
Special A+ Code:XOXOAUTOSTRADDLE
December 1-17, 2021, Ends on 12/17 at 11:59pm PST
Visit the Autostraddle Store ⇨
Holiday Delivery Deadlines
To get your deliveries in time for Christmas make sure to place your order by:
📦 Order by December 14th — USPS First Class Mail, Fed Ex Ground (pick up nearby)
📦 Order by December 15th — UPS Ground
📦 Order by December 16th — USPS Priority Mail
📦 Order by December 22nd — Next Day Air
🚙 Live in Phoenix, AZ? You can pick up your order! Order by Dec 22nd (850 W. Lincoln St, Phoenix, AZ 85007).
* These dates are for domestic orders–we have no guarantee for international orders, however DHL will always be the quickest, most reliable option. ♡
Conceptual Ideas / Riese, Sarah Sarwar, the Autostraddle Team, A+ Members
Designers / Sarah Sarwar, Rory Midhani, Erin, Ren Strapp, Betty Turbo, Kirstin Bencomo-CooperPrinting / Hello Merch, Sticker Ninja, Sock Club, The Pin People
NEW HOLIDAY MERCH ALERT: Gay Chaos Socks, Fresh Tees, Queer Hoodies, More Pronoun Pins, etc!
You heard right — it’s the time of year where we serve up fresh, bright, zesty Autostraddle merch just in time for your holigay gifts list. As always we’re bringing you a f*ckton of new tees — including the next queer merch sure to baffle the heterosexuals — the Fisting 101 tee! We’re also very excited to be bringing back hoodies, and translating one of your all-time favorite designs into something warm to wear. It’s no surprise that Kayla Kumari has already brought her influence and style to the merch store by suggesting we create GAY CHAOS socks — what an absolute treat! I’m also so excited that we can finally offer many more pronoun pins and hilarious new stickers by some of our favorite queer artists.
As always, every purchase you make in the Autostraddle Store is a chance to support this website! Your money goes directly into the pockets of our staff — editors, writers, artists and me, in fact! So buy yourself something cute and feel good knowing you’re also supporting some very cute queer people making this website happen.
Enjoy shopping, and happy holigays y’all!
Love, Sarah
P.S. — Are you an A+ Member? You’ll get a super special 20% off code tomorrow — stay tuned! Not a member? You can join for as little as $4/month.
Queer As Fuck Vintage Hoodie
Our beloved Queer as Fuck tee is now a hoodie! Designed by Sarah Sarwar. Printed on 100% Ringspun Combed Cotton, Mineral Washed for Vintage Look. S – 3XL
Scissoring Tees in NEW COLORS
Yes, it’s true. Our classic scissoring tee now comes in two beautiful jewel-tone shades — kelly green and rosy pink. Illustrated by Rory Midhani and printed on super-soft triblend fabrication. XS – 3XL
Fisting 101 Tee
Listen you can just call it a “hands tee” if you want, nobody has to know. Except the people who, you know…. know. Designed by Ren Strapp. Printed on super-soft triblend fabrication. XS – 3XL
Team Dykes Tee
Our popular hat is now a t-shirt! Designed by Sarah Sarwar. Printed on super-soft triblend fabrication. XS – 3XL
Who All’s Gay Here Tie-Dye Tee
Finding out who all is gay here remains an important item on our agenda. This time we tie-dyed it for you, so you can blend in just enough. Designed by Erin Sullivan. Hand-dyed on 100% cotton crewneck. XS – 3XL
The Lazy Femmes Band Tee
A thing we have told ourselves about the heterosexual reaction to our shirts is that probably people think they are all band tees? Well, we decided to lean into that with this tee: introducing the Lazy Femmes! Designed by Kirstin Bencomo-Cooper. Printed on a relaxed, scoop-neck women’s style tee. XS – 2XL
Gay Chaos Socks
Gay chaotic is chaotic good, we think? Putting this phrase all over our merch was a great suggestion from an A+ member in our Fundraiser Discord! You dreamed it and we believe it and now it is on your FEET. Concept by Kayla Kumari. Designed by Sarah Sarwar. Ribbed cotton crew with compression and cushion. One Size — will fit from a woman’s size 6 up to a men’s size 11.
Fisting 101 Socks
Hands? On your feet?? Gay people are always doing the most progressive things. These cute black and white socks will go with absolutely everything in your closet. Run, don’t walk, and snag one of these coveted pairs that you can walk and run in! These cotton crew style socks are designed by Ren Strapp. One Size — will fit from a woman’s size 6 up to a men’s size 11.
Brand New Pronoun Pins
Since 2016 we’ve offered She/Her and They/Them pronoun pins in a variety of styles. This year we’re adding four new pronoun pins to that collection and it’s about time! These gorgeous gold metal and hard enamel pins are designed by Betty Turbo.
Queer Elder Enamel Pin
Embrace your pride as someone who saw Xena when it aired with this pin! These fun, poppy pins are designed by Kirstin Bencomo-Cooper.
Brand New Stickers
Queer Elder – Yes, it’s true — the Queer Elder enamel pin also comes in a sticker! Designed by Kirstin Bencomo-Cooper. Glossy, durable, UV protected, waterproof lamination. 2″ x 1.5”.
Gay Chaos – Is there any type of show you’d rather see on your TV than one that radiates gay chaos??? Designed by Betty Turbo. Glossy, durable, UV protected, waterproof lamination. 2.5″ x 2”.
Visit the Autostraddle Store ⇨
Holiday Delivery Deadlines
To get your deliveries in time for Christmas make sure to place your order by:
📦 Order by December 14th — USPS First Class Mail, Fed Ex Ground (pick up nearby)
📦 Order by December 15th — UPS Ground
📦 Order by December 16th — USPS Priority Mail
📦 Order by December 22nd — Next Day Air
🚙 Live in Phoenix, AZ? You can pick up your order! Order by Dec 22nd (850 W. Lincoln St, Phoenix, AZ 85007).
* These dates are for domestic orders–we have no guarantee for international orders, however DHL will always be the quickest, most reliable option. ♡
Conceptual Ideas / Riese, Sarah Sarwar, the Autostraddle Team, A+ Members
Designers / Sarah Sarwar, Rory Midhani, Erin, Ren Strapp, Betty Turbo, Kirstin Bencomo-CooperPrinting / Hello Merch, Sticker Ninja, Sock Club, The Pin People
Best Black Friday 2021 Deals: Boxer-Briefs, Boots, Skincare, Candles, Planters and More!
It’s Black Friday 2021 and you know what that means — all the best Black Friday sales are coming your way like shooting stars through the night sky! If you’re planning on racking up some purchases today, consider doing them through this post, because when you do so, Autostraddle gets a little kickback, and that is fun for everyone!
TomboyX – 30% Off Everything
This is our fave underwear makers Tomboy X’s biggest sale ever!
Boyshorts in Charcoal – $20 // // 6″ Fly Modal Fossilized Glow-in-the Dark – $34 // Tercel Joggers – $36 // Leakproof 4.5″ Trunks – Black – $32
JCrew – Extra 60% off sale styles and 40% off (almost) everything else and free shipping!
Classic Fit Flannel in Vintage Plaid ($53, down from $89.50) // Patent Leather Oxfords ($86-$118, down from $198) // Midnight in Ojai Candle // JCrew Heavyweight Workshirt WITH POCKETS ($70, down from $118)
asos – Up to 80% off almost everything with an extra 20% for Black Friday with code FRIYAY20
asos Design Hoodie in Cobalt (just $15!) // Vans Old Skool Tapered Eco Theory sneakers in black (25% off + 20% Off) // Adidas Three-Striped Cuff Sweatpants (40% off + 20% off) // Sunday Riley Jewel Box Kit (33% Off)
Glossier – 20% Off Storewide & Black Friday Exclusive Sets
The Eye Uniform ($24 down from $32) // Balm Dotcom ($24 down from $36) // Weekender Set ($60 down from $82) // Milky Jelly Cleanser (20% Off)
So Many Planters, So Little Time Left Before the Heat Death of the Universe
Cali Rainbow Planter (Madewell, 30% Off) // Bootie Planter (Etsy, 15% Off) // Propon Cat Self-Watering Wild Strawberry Planter (Urban Outfitters, 25% Off) // Grecian Bust Planter (Anthropologie, 30% Off)
Gifts For Your “Mental Health”
The Anti-Anxiety Notebook ($27, down from $38) // Cancelled Plans Candles – Buy 2 Get 20% Off // Layla Weighted Blanket ($109, down from $169)
The Cancelled Plans Candles are expensive but they’re also amazing and in high demand so rarely discounted at all!
Target Black Friday Deals For Your Kitchen
Gourmia 5qt 12-Function Guided Cook Digital Air Fryer ($39.99, down from $69.99) // Kitchenaid Stand Mixer ($219, down from $429)
Ulta Black Friday Deals
Kiehl’s Under Eye Treatment ($25, down from $50) // Bumble and Bumble Thickening Spray ($15, down from $30)
These Boots Were Made For Walking
1. Sorel Womens Caribou Boot ($127.50, down from $170) // 2. The Citywalk Lugsole Lace-Up Boot in Leather (30% Off, Madewell) // 3. Mia Indigo Boot (Just $40) // 4. Hunter Women’s Original Two Tone Boots ($98, down from $140) // 5. XTRATUF Leather Ankle Deck Boot ($84.50, down from $130) // 6. Timberland Kinsley 6 inch heeled boots in wheat tan ($97.50, down from $130)
The Most Important Sale Of All:
25% Off The World’s Best Gay Gear at the Autostraddle Store Starts NOW
It’s here and queer and only comes once a year: it’s the annual HOMO FOR THE HOLIDAYS sale! We’re giving you 25% off your entire order in the Autostraddle Store between now and November 29th! Just enter the code GAYAPPAREL25 at checkout!
Homo for the Holigays Merch Sale
25% Off Everything in the Autostraddle Store
Code: GAYAPPAREL25
Ends 11/29 at 11:59pm
Wanna get 40% off instead?
You can join A+ for as little as $4 a month and get access to tons of exclusive content and perks — and the chance to support indie queer media and keep Autostraddle here for everyone, year-round.
All Enamel Pins $10 $7.50
All Tees $25 $18.75
These Sweatshirts $48 $36
👀 Shh! We’re soft launching one of our brand new merch items, right here during this sale! Snag this one before we sell out, and get it for a full $12 cheaper than when we debut the full set of new stuff next week!
This Magnetic Kit $18 $13.50
All Stickers $3-4 $2.25-3
Go Save Big on this Big Gay Deal →
Autostraddle’s Ultimate Team Holigay Gift Guide 2021: We’ll Tell You What We Want (What We Really Really Want)
It’s never a bad idea to get your holiday shopping done early, but especially given shipping delays and problems in the global supply chain, this year it’s an especially good idea to get that shit done and over with. Whether you’re not sure what you want yourself or not sure what to get for someone in your life, this ultimate 2021 queer gift guide has a little bit of something for everyone. We’ve got LGBTQ+ books for readers, tools and appliances for cooking queers, stuff to make your home sexy and cozy, and so much more. This is basically a grab bag of gift ideas with a range of brands and prices, but if you’re looking for more specific gift guides, check out this one for horror fans, this lush list of aesthetically pleasing sex toys, or this star-guided list of what to buy for every astrological sign. And keep an eye out for more queer gift guides to come over the next week.
Also, using this guide helps us out! Purchasing items through our Affiliate Marketplace is one of many ways to support Autostraddle. There’s no extra cost for you, and it means we get a tiny lil percentage of the purchases you make! So you can support independent queer media while doing your holiday shopping this year! Cute!
Here’s what the Autostraddle team is wishing for this holiday season.
Holigay Gift Guide: For Final Girls
In my humble opinion, “spooky season” is not a thing, because horror should be appreciated year-round. Forget Christmas! There should be a 12 days of Halloween!!! If you’re the kind of person — or if you know the kind of person — who hosts scary movie marathons and seeks out haunted houses well past the month of October, well this is the gift guide for you! Specifically, I made this gift guide as an homage to the final girls. Whether you want to dress like a final girl, channel the energy of one, frighten yourself with a book, or wear your love of horror for all to see, I’ve got you covered with this final girls gift guide.
(Not sure if you have what it takes to be a final girl? Take the horror movie stock characters quiz I made to find out!)
Steal Her Look
1. Nancy Thompson’s pink sweater vest ($42) // 2. Sidney Prescott’s jean jacket ($42) // 3. Laurie Strode’s blue button down ($39) // 4. Deena’s striped sweater tank ($30)
Every final girl’s got a signature look, and even if their clothes inevitably end up covered in blood, they know how to dress under duress. For some reason, I’ve always found it hilarious that Sidney Prescott puts her jean jacket back on immediately after having sex in the first Scream movie, because you know what? That’s dyke culture. Also all of the fashion choices in the original Halloween are such a perfect late-70s time capsule. Fun fact: Most of it came from JCPenny.
In Case Of Emergency
1. A really nice knife ($120) // 2. Leatherman multitool ($120) // 3. Combination flashlight + charging station ($25) // 4. Road-running shoes ($160)
See also: Abeni’s excellent apocalypse survival gift guide from last year. It simply never hurts to be prepared! Every true final girl knows that! Also, in all seriousness, upgrading my kitchen knives was a gamechanger. My girlfriend got me a great Japanese chef’s knife for Christmas last year, and I love it so much. And theoretically, it could probably serve additional purposes.
Final Swag
1. Final Girl necklace ($15) // 2. Final Girl beanie ($27) // 3. Final Girl shirt ($23)
Listen, if you have what it takes to be a final girl, then you simply gotta show that shit off. Sidney Prescott has lifetime bragging rights tbh. Etsy is full of final girl stuff, and a lot of it is under $30!
Study Materials
1. The Final Girl Support Group by Grady Hendrix ($24) // 2. Manhunt by Gretchen Felker-Martin ($17, preorder) // 3. Nothing But Blackened Teeth by Cassandra Khaw ($19) // 4. Queer Fear anthology ($21)
For the bookish final girls, I’ve got some recs! The Final Girl Support Group is a fun and fast read, and one of the characters is a lesbian who lives on a ranch with her wife. Manhunt unfortunately does not come out in time for the holiday season (publishing on 2/22/22), but preorders are super helpful for authors! And indie bookstores are particularly slammed during the holiday season. Give the gift of a preorder! Give the gift of trans horror fiction! Carmen Maria Machado called it “a modern horror masterpiece.” Nothing But Blackened Teeth is a short n haunting read (THAT COVER), and Queer Fear is a Lambda Award-nominated anthology of queer horror fiction. There was also a second volume.
So You Want To Buy A Coat
Welcome back to “So You Want To…” the series wherein I give you outfits and *~*lewks~*~ for things like: time of year, a random event, a vibe, an energy!
This month, we are diving into my personal favorite item of clothing: COATS! It’s mid-November, and where I am on the east coast, that means it is time to swan about dramatically in various kind of outerwear! Much like our fall column, I am aware that not everywhere on this glorious earth requires a jacket, but as a person who just visited Miami where it is famously warm, they really do be cranking that air conditioning! A jacket would not be amiss in such a climate!
And because it is not super thrilling to jabber about coats and say “this…is another coat I like” over and over, I have brought back the main characters! Mostly because I realized they were all left up in the air, and as the year winds down, why not make sure they are off to a romance approved happily ever after?
Trend notes: You simply cannot turn your (virtual) head without running into: teddy jackets, Sherpa coats, and just much plaid. Consider those the big outwear three for the season!
Widow with a Shocking Secret
Left to Right: 1. Willow Wool Cocoon Coat Tweed, Universal Standard ($345) // 2. Westcliffe 600-Fill-Power Down Jacket, Nordstrom ($230) // 3. Plush Hour Faux Fur Jacket, Nordstrom ($149) // 4. Relaxed Robe Coat, Eloquii ($154.95)
There is a voice in your head from before. The person you used to be, who always knew when to leave, who always had a bag packed and tucked away in her closet. That version of you would have left a long time ago. Would have tucked the kids in the car during the middle of the night and vanished. You are weaker now, you think. But it’s hard to leave this place, where your kids have real friends, where the mailman fondly teases you about the amount of packages you get from Sephora.
Where she is. She was your first mistake. You suspect she knows the truth — maybe not the details, but the shape of it, the contours. She’s too close now, and you know it’s time to take some precautions.
The wind picks up and you shiver, burying your chin into the fur lined collar at your neck. It’s not smart to linger here, you need to get this done and get home. The gun is in pieces, the serial number long filed off thanks to its less than savory previous owner. You hold your breath as you toss the pieces into the river under the bridge. The rain from this afternoon has ballooned it wide and furious, each current swallows a piece of metal, until your pockets are empty. You wait a beat, then throw the gloves too. You exhale.
By the time you reach your car, you feel lighter than you have in years. She’s on your porch when you get home, and the relief in your stomach shifts to dread.
“You can tell me, you know. No matter how horrible it is. I trust you.”
You run through excuses but discard them all, sitting down heavily beside her. What comes out of your mouth surprises you. Gives you hope. “Okay. I’d like that.”
Bad Boy With A Heart of Gold
From Left to Right: 1. Topman Oversized Textured Shacket, ASOS ($70) // 2. Faux Shearling Lined Trucker Jacket, Nordstrom ($120) // 3. Bershka Oversized Denim Jacket in Black, ASOS ($76) // 4. Cozy Patterned Sherpa Quarter-Zip Sweatshirt for Men, Old Navy ($30)
Ever since that morning in the cafe, she’s wheedled her way into your life. Seamless, like she was meant to be here, in the passenger side of your clunky Jeep, singing along to the playlist she put on as you drive her home.
“Co-pilot picks the music,” she likes to say.
You try to argue that technically, it’s not co-piloting if you are driving the streets of the town you both grew up in, the town that you know like the back of your hand, she hushes you with a kiss and that infectious grin.
She knows you now, knows the whole grumpy bad boy thing was just a front, she knows that you like singing along to music when you cook, that you always cry at that one shot in Titanic when the flare crackles against the sky, the ship stark and alone against the dark water. Now she threads her fingers through yours smiles at you, turning down the music.
“So,” she starts. “I know you’re all anti-fun or whatever, but I was wondering if you’d want to come to my parents Christmas Eve Party. They love you, and my mom is dying to show us off to all of her friends.”
You know she’s expecting to roll her eyes, but instead, a slow smile spreads across your lips. You love this time of year — not the religious parts, you never really cared about that. It sounds cheesy as fuck, but the general cheerful vibe in your sleepy little town made you happier and more content than you’d ever cared to admit. You swung your truck into her driveway, then tugged her close, hands sliding under her heavy mass of curls.
“I’d fuckin’ love that, babe.”
Recently Divorced Contractor Raising Their Three Kids On Their Own
1. Archer Plaid Wool Blend Coat, Nordstrom ($550) // 2. Carharrt Work In Progress Arctic Colorblock Coat, Nordstrom ($325) // 3. Sherpa-Lined Non-Stretch Jean Jacket for Men, Old Navy ($75) // 4. Rosemount Quilted Vest, Nordstrom ($180)
You are frowning at a cabinet in the kitchen when you feel a gentle touch on your shoulder. “Don’t make that face at my cabinets.” they say, nudging you out of their way with their hip. ‘I paid a very handsome person a very handsome sum of money for those.”
You only feel a little sheepish as you step to the side, sparing one last glance at the cabinet in question. They’re right, it’s fine. It’s Thanksgiving, and the sound of your boys giggling in the living room with their daughter eases the ache in your chest that settled in when you signed your divorce papers. Now you have this, a houseful of laughing kids, the weight of someone next to you in bed every night, the smell of a feast in the air.
They turn to look at you, a stack of plates in their hands, eyebrows raised. “Were you planning on helping, or just enjoying the view?”
You step closer, set down the plates carefully on the counter, boxing them in. “Well here I was hoping I could do both.”
They halfheartedly swat at you as you wrap your arms around them. “Carrying on like this while our kids starve out there? I can’t believe you.”
“Please,” you snort, brushing your lips under their ear. “They’re watching The Lion King for the millionth time. They’re very busy.”
“Daaaaaad? Can we eat now?” Noah calls from the living room.
“You jinxed it,” They laugh, ruffling your hair.
You drop your head on their shoulder and groan good-naturedly. This is your life now, stolen moments between chores and running the kids to school. “Hands washed please, then yes, we can eat.” You call back, before lowering your voice. “You, I’ll deal with later.”
“Does this mean you’ll leave that cabinet alone?” They ask through a smirk.
“Well that depends,” you say, picking up the stack of plates. “How distracting can you be?”
Cool Girl Next Door Who Knows All The Good Parties
1. Colorblock Coat, Eloquii ($170) // 2. Faux Fur Hooded Zip Jacket, Nordstrom Rack ($60) // 3. Two-Tone Trench Coat, Nordstrom Rack ($80) // 4. Cropped Plaid Faux Shearling Jacker, Nordstrom Rack ($70)
You had vague plans to go to the farmers market, or maybe a movie, but when you woke up, warm, half on top of her, leaving her bed seemed like the silliest thing imaginable.
It was first the properly cold day of the season, so instead you slept in and had sex and dozed some more and had sex some more and now it was early afternoon. She laughed as your stomach rumbled, quiet at first, then louder, more insistent.
“I can’t believe I was just gonna let you starve, what a terrible hostess.”
You smiled down at her, wondering briefly where your phone was before deciding it didn’t matter. “I didn’t let you do anything. I was just….busy.”
She raised an eyebrow, then waggled it. “Oh, busy, were you?” she teased, crawling back up your body. She kissed you again, and you almost let yourself get lost in her, the feeling of her shoulders underneath your hands, the smell of her skin. Then your stomach rumbled again, and she pulled away, laughing.
“Message received. Time for lunch. What kind of person would let their girlfriend starve?” She joked, as she threw on a pair of sweats and a beat up sweater. “Come on, keep me company as I cook for you, it’s the least you can do.”
You followed her, tossing on whatever items you found at the foot of the bed- your beat up jeans, a sweatshirt that was probably hers. She plunked a glass of water in front of you as you settled into one of the stools by the island.
“Prepare to be dazzled,” she trumpeted, as if she didn’t know you already were.
But you were stuck on something else, something you had to say before you lost your nerve. “Girlfriend?”
She turned from where she was looking into the fridge and grinned. “I mean. Yeah? If you want?”
“I want,” you said immediately. “I definitely want.”
She laughed, and closed the fridge, walking towards you with a gleam in her eye. “Good.” she whispered, before kissing you so hard it made you dizzy. “Also, we have to order something. I have absolutely no food.”
The Mysterious Neighbor Who Is Obviously a Witch
1. Gihuo Women’s Wool Blend Hooded Cape Poncho Maxi Cloak Coat, Amazon ($70) // 2. Faux Leather Strong Shoulder Coat, Eloquii ($180) // 3. Beas Coat, Universal Standard ($248) // 4. Long Coat With Pockets, Eloquii ($165)
It was over now, though you still woke at night with screams ringing in your ears. Yes, you had won, but the price had been steeper than you could have imagined.
They all came, in the end. Your kinsmen had heard the signs, had come in droves, and you’d beat back the forces of an evil so great that your very marrow still remembered how close it had come to destroying everything.
You sighed. Sleep was far off, so you gently eased the blankets off your legs and shrugged into your robe, careful not to wake her. The sweetness of your victory had grown when she decided to stay, to make a home with you here, in your little house by the river and the mountains.
A cup of tea was what you needed, you thought, putting the kettle on. Tea with valerian root to lull you back to sleep, and a book to take your mind off the funerals you attended over the last few weeks. You settled into your favorite armchair in the living room, warmth from the tea mug seeping luxuriously through your fingers. You don’t remember falling asleep, but you must have, because the next thing you remember is the feeling of her shaking you gently awake.
“Bad dreams?” She asked, shaking her head when you nodded. “You should have woken me, I would have gotten rid of them.”
“Didn’t want to bother you,” you said through a yawn.
She clucked as she offered her hand, pulling you up and into her arms. “You can always wake me, you know that.”
The moonlight gleamed in her hair, the once dark strands now bright white. Her magic had changed that day, she was stronger than she’d been before, stronger than most of your kind. It made her more remote sometimes, like she was lost to the power that moved inside of her. But now, with you in her arms and the moonlight in her hair, she was the same witch you’d loved for years, the same witch you’d tried to stop loving but never could.
“You know, I feel much more awake now,” you whispered against her lips. “Don’t you?”
12 Sex Toys for When You Wanna Do the Monster Smash
It’s October! Pumpkins are in season. Scary movies are on TV. Elvira is in love with a woman. ALL IS RIGHT IN THE WORLD! Well, almost. If you’re a goth-aligned gay or if you just have a wild imagination, you might be thinking, “This Halloween season would be perfect if I had the right sex toy to help me celebrate.” Fear not — I’ve got you covered. Shop this list to snag a toy fit for werewolf roleplay or a staged alien abduction or elaborate masturbation to vampire erotica.
The Realm Silver Bullet ($43)
According to folklore, a silver bullet can finish a werewolf. With a little help from this rumbly, rechargeable bullet vibe, you can finish, too.
Princette Puppypus Vibrating Butt Plug ($69)
Have you ever thought to yourself: this vibrating butt plug is great, but I really wish it had a face? Enter Princette Puppypus by Cute Little Fuckers. Princette is clearly some kind of creature. What kind, exactly? No one knows. But according to the Cute Little Fuckers website, Princette’s pronouns are “They/Them or the Royal We” and they like pizza. This silicone butt plug contains a powerful vibrating bullet that will blast you into space, which is probably where Mx. Puppypus was born. Use this toy to fuel your alien breeding kink or just enjoy how it feels in your ass.
Jack-o-Lantern Ball Gag ($60)
Want a ball gag with a little extra spice? Perhaps…some pumpkin spice? Geeky Sex Toys created this silicone and faux leather gag for the Halloween fanatics who want to drool on a jack-o-latern.
Lycan Werewolf Dildo ($54)
There’s a Full Moon. You and your partner have just enjoyed a marathon of Ginger Snaps followed by Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed followed by Ginger Snaps: The Beginning. It’s time to break out the werewolf dildo. This insertable silicone toy is harness-compatible, but you can also attach to the end of…a sword? Ok, I don’t know what’s up the sword handle, but it seems ergonomically sound.
Medusa Vibrator ($27.99)
Medusa is undoubtedly a queer icon — she even made the number four spot on Autostraddle’s list of Lesbian Hauntings Ranked By Lesbianism). This multi-speed, battery-operated vibrator features an image of the snake-haired lady herself. Turn yourself on while your turn men into stone.
Pad Skellington Pleasure Pad ($55)
Your Vagesty’s Kingdom makes some wildly unique toys, including “pleasure pads” — textured, silicone surfaces made for rubbing, bumping and grinding. Break out their limited edition Halloween pleasure pad when things go hump in the night.
Wet for Her Finger Extender ($40)
Need a little extra reach? Wet For Her’s silicone finger extender is perfect for deep finger fucking and perhaps a dash of alien roleplay. It’s also a great tool for folks who want to protect their partners from long, pointy fingernails. As of the writing of this article, this toy is out of stock on Wet For Her’s website, but I had to include it on this list — I mean, look at it.
Bork Ovipositor ($90)
Prepare to add some alien roleplay up a notch. This silicone dildo comes with mold for gelatin eggs, which can be deposited (and “laid”) vaginally. Primal Hardwere claims that the gelatin eggs should dissolve if they’re deposited in the backdoor and get lost, but I don’t recommend putting anything without a base in your booty, even if it’s only semi-solid.
Ghost Butt Plug ($57.84)
This silicone, ghost-shaped butt plug will make you say, “Boo(ty)!” It also doubles as a cute Halloween decoration.
Xenuphora Tentacle Dildo ($79)
There are a surprising number of tentacle dildos on the market, but the Xenuphora stands out. With its ridges and suckers, this is an ideal dildo for folks who like a lot of texture. The base even includes two squishy nubs for external stimulation. Straddle this toy to fulfill your Lovecraftian fantasies.
Unicandy Dildo ($47)
Nothing says “trick or treat” better than a dildo that looks like candy corn and also looks like a unicorn horn. This silicone toy is harness-compatible. It probably doesn’t taste like candy, but you might want it in your mouth anyway.
Girls Who Bite: Lesbian Vampire Erotica, edited by Delilah Devlin ($14.95)
Ok, this isn’t technically a sex toy, but this list wouldn’t be complete without lesbian vampire tales. Enjoy these stories on your own or read them aloud to a lover who had a Twilight phase.