Cyber Monday: Deals You Can Get Without Getting Out of Bed

It’s the most capitalist time of the year! This is obviously very annoying, but for small independently-owned queer-lady-operated businesses, getting into the commercial spirit of the holidays is relatively imperative for our survival. We will, per always, try to make our gift guides as entertaining as possible.

Part of Autostraddle’s existence is dependent on affiliate sales, so we encourage anyone who is shopping at Amazon this year — regardless of what you’re buying — click out to Amazon by using the black smiley-face in our right sidebar.

So let’s jump off the of the holigay shopping season. Did you buy the blazer I told you to get Friday? No? Too scared of the crowds? Well that brings us to today. Cyber Monday: when everyone buys their gifts online so they can just have them delivered to their parent’s house gift wrapped without worrying about it anymore. A swirling whirling diso-ball super fun time of online shopping deals. Here at the Autostraddle Hilarious Things Relevant to Your Interests Department we’ve come up with a couple of gift ideas that are awesome and dirt cheap on this glorious holiday of online thriftiness.

Books

Books are great. I mean, who doesn’t love to get a book as a gift. A book tells your girlfriend “I respect your intelligence” and says to your mom, “See, I read, please respect my intelligence.” Also it’s one of the gifts you can cheaply demo beforehand. Since Amazon, you know, started out as a book site, Cyber Monday promises plenty of deep discounts.

+LEGO Harry Potter Building the Magical World, DK Publishing – $12.36 (44% off)
+1Q84, by Haruki Murakami – $15.29 (50% off)
+Marcel the Shell With Shoes On: Things About Me, by Jenny Slate – $12.26 (35% off)
+Santa Olivia, by Jacqueline Carey – $5.60 (60% off)

Games

Lets take a break from gift for a second and talk a bit about the next month. You’re about to spend the holidays with your family. This could be the quality time you’ve been waiting for to spend with your parents. On the other hand you could be dreading the holidays as you’re forced to spend it with a pack of wild children to play with. Or maybe you’re planning a ski weekend with your friends. Regardless, as soon as you run out of DVRed episodes of Jeopardy!, you’re going to need some games. Though they’re not as discounted as some of the others, I firmly suggest trying Settlers of Catan or Dominion.

+Monopoly – 19.95 (56% off)
+Jenga – $9.89 (42% off)
+Cranium – $16.14 (40% off)
+Settlers of Catan – $33.60 (20% off)
+Dominion – $30.34 (33% off)
+Medieval Chess Set – $23.94 (76% off)
+Scrabble – $11.27 (47% off)
+Apples to Apples – $21.69 (20% off)

American Apparel Stuff

American Apparel Briefs are something you/your girlfriend always needs. Always. Trade Secret: You can get American Apparel Briefs for $9.99 (67% off) on Amazon. They’re set up strangely in the store — rather than selecting the item and then choosing color/size, each individual size is its own item. Does that make sense? Anyhow:

+American Apparel Unisex Baby Rib Brief Small-multi-colored
+American Apparel Unisex Baby Rib Brief Medium-multi-colored
+American Apparel Unisex Baby Rib Brief Large-multi-colored
+American Apparel Unisex Baby Rib Brief X-Large-multi-colored
+Also HOODIES – $24.00-$63.98

DVDs

DVDs are one of those items that always feels overpriced. Always. Seriously, DVDs are one of the few items I’ll loudly complain about the price of in public. I mean, $30 bucks for a movie you can rent for $4? What the hell, that’s highway robbery. But you can’t give an On-Demand or bootleg copy of a movie to someone for Chanukah. That’s just wrong. The Why Are DVDs So Expensive problem gets obviously magnified when it comes to box sets. But box sets are the best gift ever! If you get one for a friend/girlfriend it’s like a gift for both of you! Can you say Glee marathon? Also, if you or someone you love doesn’t own The Muppet Christmas Carol then you need to reevaluate your priorities. And this is coming from a Jew.

+Bridesmaids UNRATED: $5.99 (80% off)
+Modern Family: The Complete First Season – $12.99 (74% off)
+Modern Family: The Complete Second Season – $12.99 (74% off)
+The Lord of the Rings: The Motion Picture Trilogy (The Fellowship of the Ring / The Two Towers / The Return of the King Extended Editions + Digital Copy) [Blu-ray] – $49.99 (58% off)
+Harry Potter: The Complete 8-Film Collection – $39.99 (60% off)
+The Muppet Christmas Carol – Kermit’s 50th Anniversary Edition – $11.49 (43% off)
+Glee: The Complete First Season – $28.99 (52% off)
+Glee: The Complete Second Season – $27.99 (53% off)
+The L Word: Complete Series Pack – $124.99 (47% off)

Or, you know, just get a giant flat-screen television for 50% off.

Have fun enjoying the Cyber Monday deals! They won’t last long and six months from now you don’t want to be crying in your bedroom in the dark because that Medieval Chess Set is back up to $100.

And don’t forget to visit The Autostraddle Store, where you can get our fantastic one-of-a-kind Calendar for $18 as well as Autostraddle t-shirts, “You Do You” posters, “Is it Sex?” (lesbian sex flowchart) posters, You Do You stickers and Unicorn Plan-It t-shirts!

Happy Shopping!

Tis the Season to Buy a Blazer

Black Friday is rapidly approaching and every sane person with half a brain-cell knows to stay the hell away from the mall. At least the wimpy ones. But nay, we are the brave, the bold, the shopping! This Black Friday I suggest we all gallantly go out amongst the sobbing mothers and vomiting children and seek our dirt-cheap-deal fortune. This Black Friday, we should all buy ourselves blazers.

Yes, go buy something for yourself. Conventional wisdom says that Black Friday is for getting a jump on gifts, but seriously, November 25th is so early that by the time Chanukah rolls around, your girlfriend will have just gone ahead and bought the damn iPhone 4S herself. Why not use the cheapest shopping day of the year to buy yourself something timeless and awesome. Thus I give you: the top three reasons you should buy yourself a blazer on Black Friday.

A good wool blazer can and should cost over $100 dollars full price retail. A well made blazer takes a lot of time, effort and craftsmanship to put together and the price reflects that. Unfortunately, this puts blazers solidly in the “things I can never afford” catagory. Additionally, because they’re so versatile, blazers rarely go on sale before it’s way too hot to wear them. With that in mind, a blazer is a great Black Friday purchase because getting 30-50% off can turn in to saving $30-100 dollars (which is a lot better than saving $7.50 on an iHome).

Lots of people have started shying away from Black Friday because they figure they can just buy anything they want on sale at anytime online (or on Cyber Monday because I guess that is a thing).

This doesn’t work out so well with blazers (especially in a no-returns situation). Unless you know your size and a specific brand really well, you should absolutely try on a blazer before you buy it. If you tend to dress more feminine or androgynous (or you are very busty), I suggest going for a “boyfriend” or “school boy” cut blazer. These blazers are cut more similar to a men’s blazer, while being proportioned for women. Schoolboy blazers look better with jeans, leggings or a dress as opposed to traditional blazers designed to be paired with dress pants. Also they’re more comfortable. If you tend to dress more masculine, then you’ll probably want the full boxiness of a traditional men’s blazer or (if you’re teeny tiny) a boy’s blazer. I think a blazer looks best when it’s the smallest size in which you can comfortably bear hug yourself and raise your arms in the air. Some people will tell you that you should also be able to button the blazer up, but those people are wrong. For a casual blazer don’t worry about buttoning it, you probably never will when you wear it. Plus, if you wear over a 34D you’re never going to find one that buttons up anyways. (Check out my Fall Fashion Guide for more blazer fit and style tips.)

I swear this is the most valid reason to go buy yourself something on Black Friday. The No Buy Zone is the time period between December 1st and March 15th where no matter how badly you need something, you just can’t purchase anything new for yourself without overwhelming guilt. Obviously between December 1st and the solstice you know you’re supposed to be buying gifts for other people. From the holidays until the end of January I’ve got that but-I-just-got-all-those-gifts sense that I don’t really need anything new. I mean, what does it matter if my jeans have holes in the crotch, I just got a new iPhone case. This, of course, is compounded by the fact that I’m out of money. Then, I spend the first half of February worrying that I should be saving up for either a Valentines Day gift for my significant other or (in lieu of a significant other) all the accoutrement I might need to actually buy that cat I’ve been wanting. I absolutely refuse to leave the apartment in late February except for skiing (because I live in New England) and, by the time I venture out around the 1st of March, stores are showing stuff for spring which I refuse to buy until the day above 40 degrees. Phew, how did we get all the way to spring? Well, like I said, Black Friday is the last pit-stop before the No Buy Zone. A blazer makes a great choice as your last purchase since it can easily spruce up any old tired look when you’re ready to burn all your other clothes. Believe me, you’ll thank me when you do get that last minute Valentine’s date.

You Need A Messenger Bag: A Bag for Everything and Everything in a Bag

When I moved to Boston, I thought my city-girl bag experience would be sort of like this:

Unfortunately, after about two days I realized that if you live in the city, have a kid, go to school or just own more than two things you take around with you, your bag situation is a bit more:

The solution? You need a new bag. A really good everyday bag. I’m not talking about purses, just cross-body, actually-fits-all-of-your-crap bags. Well, for you, bag singular. The bag you’re about to buy because you really need one. The bag you always wish you had, but don’t have so instead you carry around a purse and 1.7 tote bags or the backpack you’ve had since middle school. (Seriously, I’ve been carrying around a “Wildwood Elementary School” tote bag that I designed in kindergarten.) A bag for a grown-up who works a job (or attends classes) where they kind of need to look like they don’t wear a backpack. A bag to go with pumps, flats, kicks and loafers. Your everyday, go to, oh-that’s-where-I-left-my-Chapstick bag.

Yet, for some reason shopping for that magical bag you absolutely need is really hard. It’s hard to extrapolate from your personal bag narrative what you actually need and frustrating to try to differentiate between tons of seemingly identical bags. That’s where I come in. I asked some really really important women what they didn’t like about their current bags and hunted them out new ones.

Problem: The Pockets are Too Small:

“My main problem is that [the pocket] is too snug — getting [my] netbook or a hardback novel into or out of the bag is just a pain in the ass. I have to carry another canvas tote for my other two books that I take everywhere. Getting anything into or out of the bag is a pain in the ass, actually, even from the bottom pouch.”

Having a bag that’s too small can drive you nuts. I should know, I have a bag that’s too small. I feel like everything has to go in exactly right or it won’t close. Even if your bag is big enough, if the compartments are too small you will go crazy trying to get your things in and out.  Of course reassigning pockets can work great (like using the water bottle netted area for your keys), that just isn’t the case I’m talking about right now. The tight-pocket situation also occurs when anyone ever in the history of bags tries to use those two “slip pockets” on the front facing wall. You know the ones I’m talking about? The ones that are supposed to be for pens but instead hair pins just fall in accidentally? No? Just me?

Because there are so many technologies we all carry around, my list is pretty limited to only buy bags that have a specifically sized padded Kindle/iPad/netbook/laptop/Nintendo DS dedicated pocket. I like the idea of buying a bigger bag with a large, structured, open interior and buying a bag organizer or making one out of a fishing vest. This way you can get the exterior you like without having to finagle different pockets to fit your technology-things.

$95-Ful at Nordstrom	$73-BCBGeneration at Zappos	$77-Joseph Abboud at Bluefly

Problem: I Stuff Everything in the Front Pocket

“Even though there are like 4 pockets, I end up only using the outside one because it’s easiest to reach, which means that pocket contains every single small object I own and is completely bulging and overstuffed and therefore useless because you have to take out everything in it to find what you’re looking for.”

I really thought I was the only one who did this. If you’re someone inclined to throw your keys, wallet, cellphone, chapstick, gum and every receipt ever into that zipper pocket in the front (sometimes on the flap) then there is only one solution. Buy a bag without one big exterior pocket. Actually, the best option here is a bag with multiple smaller exterior pockets so everything doesn’t fall in to the exterior pocket abyss. This is particularly great because exterior double pockets are really cool/in style right now. Plus, lots of designers replace the latches with magnets or velcro (because obviously if you had to latch a pocket you’d never use it). However, make sure that you double check the size of the exterior pockets so you don’t end up in a Pockets are Too Small situation.

$44.50-Forever 21	$52-Zappos	$32-Forever21

Problem: I Can’t Take This Bag Everywhere

“What I hate is that I feel like I need to bring a ton of stuff around all day, but I don’t want to go home before dinner, so I feel like I’m toting a gigantic day-pack with me. I sometimes need to look all chic and stuff.”

I feel like this is a common issue for city livers or college students. Especially in college, it’s surprising how much the stuff you have to carry fluctuates as you pick things up and drop things off. Maybe you need a huge bag to take a sweater for later, but once your sweater is on you feel like you have a giant bag for no reason. Alternatively, you might want to use the same bag for shopping (and putting new stuff in) as you would for going out. A similar situation might be if you want a bag that you can bike with across your chest but also one that can go in the crook of your arm/tucked over your shoulder. The best solution here is to have a bag that can be folded/held two ways. This is also sort of neat because then you feel like you’re getting two bags in one, and that’s a super good deal (because I know you’re watching your budget).

$29.99-Target	$109.74-BCBGeneration	$151-Lucky

There is one bag that would be perfect for all of these women. Actually it would be perfect for me too. This would be the best bag ever. The only bag you would ever need. Unfortunately it doesn’t exist yet. I would sew it, but I don’t exactly know how to work with leather. But look, I drew it!

What’s double extra important is having the proper inside:

If you or anyone you know is able to make this bag for us (we will be needing three) please contact me through ASS. Similarly, if you’ve seen a bag like this (or better!) feel free to post your suggestions in the comments.

The Jeans Issue: Queer Fashion Guide For Various Shapes, Sizes, Styles and Gender Expressions

Compared to the root canalish experiences of shopping for bras or shopping for swimsuits, shopping for jeans is a cakewalk! But compared to lying in bed and watching television shows on DVD, shopping for jeans is like taking the LSATs naked.

Luckily, The Queer Beauty Bar is here to guide you through the jeans buying experience with minimal pain, extra humor, and a lot of care. We promise not to tell you how to look “slim” for your boyfriend or challenge your decision to shop in the men’s section.

SO! Welcome to the first-ever AUTOSTRADDLE JEANS ISSUE. As you may or may not recall, we’ve already gone through what to do with your boobs in The Bra Issue, what you should do with your bottoms area in Boyshorts 101 and what swimsuits to buy in The Swimsuit Edition. Now it’s fall and we’re working our way up to entire body-covering items of clothing! (See also: Top Ten Sweatpants)

We’re attempting to address at least 50% of your needs in this piece, but the comments are wide open for you to share tips for your own gender presentation/sexual identity/income/lifestyle/taste-in-sandwiches.

Part One: Shopping Guides
+ How to Go Shopping for Jeans Without Softly Crying to Yourself, by Fashion Editor Lizz
+ Jeans for Plus-Size Women, by Bevin aka Queer Fat Femme
+ Jeans for Girls Who Are Shaped Like Boys, by Riese
+ Men’s Jeans for Women, by bcw
+ Jeans in the Workplace, by Crystal

Part Two: Odes
+ Why I Love Bellbottoms, by Brandy Howard
+ Why I Love Mom Jeans, by Lily
+ An Ode to American Eagle, by Emily

Part Three: Notes on Style
+ This Season’s Greatest Jeans Ever by Fashion Editor Lizz
+ How Ripped Your Jeans Are Allowed to be Before It’s Indecent, by Katrina
+ Cleaning Your Denim, by Carolyn

How to Go Shopping for Jeans Without Softly Crying to Yourself

by Lizz, Fashion Editor

I usually love shopping. Unfortunately, jean shopping makes everyone feel out of shape and poor. To combat this, I’ve laid out a fool-proof plan for shopping for jeans without softly sobbing to yourself in the dressing room.

1. Take inventory
Try on every pair of jeans you currently own with a top and shoes you would actually wear with it. For example, I try on my super tight jeggings with a plaid button-down and black ankle boots, but I try on my nice wide-leg jeans with a work blouse and heels. For each pair of jeans, write down the brand, size and style, and your feelings about them. Is the waist too tight and low? Do you wish the bottoms were skinnier? Now, this part is hard, but THROW OUT THE JEANS YOU’RE NOT WEARING ANYMORE. That means any pair you haven’t worn in six months. The exception to this rule is a pair that fits in the waist, hips and butt, but are too short or too long. Those can be cut into shorts. Look for any common themes on your list. Maybe you wish every pair of jeans came up higher in the waist. Maybe you love all your flares but hate all your skinny jeans. Whatever it is, identify cuts, washes and brands that you like/dislike and write them down.

2. Price it Out

Take a deep breath — the truth is that below about $110, the cost of jeans usually reflects the quality of the denim, stitching and fit. (Above $110, that is a ridiculous price.) I suggest you plan on spending no less than $50 per pair. This might be more than you’re used to paying, but a good pair of jeans can last well over twice as long as a crappy pair (which will save you money). If $50 is truly more than you can possibly afford, continue to shop like this is your minimum, but know that you’ll only be able to buy when it’s on sale.

Get Online
Now that you’ve done some deep yoga breathing to accept the cost of jeans, you have just a little more research to do. Go on a site like shopstyle.com that has clothing from lots of different stores in one place. Search for your price range and the style/color you want. This will give you an idea of what stores have what you’re looking for. Now, get out a tape measure and proceed directly to their sizing guide. Compare your measurements to the men’s, women’s and kid’s sizing guide regardless of your gender or age — figure out objectively what will fit you best. If you’re small, kid’s clothes are usually way cheaper, so you might get lucky with stores that make high quality kid’s clothing.

3. Go Shopping
First, make sure there isn’t a big sale coming up the day after you were planning on shopping. This happens to me approximately 1.5 times per month and it’s awful every time.

Wear your favorite pair of jeans and don’t forget your notebook. Bring someone who will sit and watch you try on jeans for hours without being negative. This is probably your mom or pet rabbit. If no such person exists, go alone. Whatever you do, do not bring someone with you who will comment about how much jeans should cost. This will just cause you to spend more or less than you really want to. Don’t bring your girlfriend.

Once in the store, ask a sales associate for help, and be specific! For example, ask, “Do you have anything like the ‘Always Skinny’ jeans except with a slightly higher waistband and skinnier at the bottom in a women’s size 28 or 6?” Try on every pair in the store and sit, jump, dance like Justin Bieber and show your mom/rabbit. Remember when I said wear your favorite jeans? Compare to these. You should like the jeans you’re trying on so much that you’re slightly disappointed by your old ones.

Once you’re truly in love with a pair, if the price is right, buy them on the spot. If you’re short on cash or feeling dangerous, ask the attendant if they’re going on sale any time soon. If she says no, ask about a student discount (someone will have an I.D.), a discount for getting a credit card and sign up for the store’s email list. I guarantee within a week you’ll receive an email announcing an online sale or promotional code. When you finally have them home, wear them out once with the tags still on. Congratulations, you just bought jeans without crying!

The Queer Fat Femme Guide to Shopping for Jeans

by QueerFatFemme, Contributor

I am not the biggest fan of wearing pants in general, but when I do wear pants 99% of the time they are jeans. There are a few guidelines to finding jeans for plus size bodies, but as with all shopping, in general I use my intuition.

The first thing to remember when shopping is that jeans either work with your body or they don’t. It’s not you, it’s them. If they don’t fit just move on to the next one and don’t take it personally. Plus size bodies are all different and just because one person is fat in a certain way. Two folks who wear a 22W might have entirely different jeans fit needs–a 22W with a big ass and flat belly needs a differently cut garment than a 22W with a big belly, small ass and tiny waist.

As with all other plus size shopping, manufacturers vary dramatically in their sizing and size charts. I suggest trying on as many pairs as possible to narrow down which size is going to work for you. Prepare yourself to feel good about your looks by being as cute as you can, do your hair (if applicable), do your make-up (if applicable), wear a versatile top you love to pair with jeans.

In terms of plus size fit and style, I consulted my friend Leslie Medlik, wardrobe consultant and star of the new TLC show BIG SEXY:

Leslie suggests:

+ Stick with the current style of pant leg (the going style, not “trend” but style). Start your search there so you look current with jeans. In style now is still a skinny leg pant and on trend for Fall is the reinsertion of the 70s style wide-leg. We are seeing a style change coming up, but it will take awhile for the manufacturers to catch up to it.

+ In terms of actual fit, they key is always making sure the waist fits but it’s not so tight you can’t breathe or that it’s not giving you an overly-accentuated muffin top. A little muffin top is necessary, especially if you have fat on your belly, but it’s all about where your fat is moving. If the jeans are giving you too much of a muffin top try a larger size.

Leslie also broke down the basic jean cuts and what they mean:

+ Skinny leg should be tight all the way down to the ankle.

+ Straight leg shouldn’t be tight or full in any part, it should fit comfortably close to your leg and still give shape to the leg.

+ Boot cut should be tight in the thighs and big in the ankle.

+ Trouser cut should fit like a trouser–full all the way through.

+ Flare leg fits like a boot cut but the cut a the ankle is exaggerated.

Leslie is still wearing skinny leg jeans. Torrid is Leslie’s favorite place to shop for jeans, she really only wears Tripp Jeans and Z. Cavariccis because they keep up with what’s in style in their plus size collection.

I buy jeans from Re/Dress NYC where I am a part time Shop Girl–we have a huge selection of jeans from all different manufacturers and resale means they start at half off the manufacturer price. I also prefer embellished jeans whenever possible because I find bling a nice dazzle to an everyday outfit.

I have also had great luck buying jeans from Asos Curve. I have a pair of black skinny jeans ($54.89). I find the side-zip part fiddly but I love the look and fit.

Jeans for Girls Who Are Shaped Like Boys

by Riese, Editor with help

For Talls:

The funny thing about fashion is that all the models are tall and skinny and so women of average size/build/height can’t really discern from fashion magazine spreads what the clothes will look like on their actual bodies.

But if you actually ARE tall, magazine photo spreads do, in fact, give you a relatively useful picture of what jeans will look like on your body but when you go to the store to purchase said jeans, you will find the pants to be too short with too much hip-space. Then you have to air-dry all your jeans. It’s a hard knock life, this life of tall/skinny privilege.

I’m 5’10 and a size 4 and I find that in general, the more expensive the jean, the more likely it is to fit tall/skinny people. As a teenaged 26 x 36, the only store that carried my size (this was before internet shopping became ubiquitous) was Abercrombie & Fitch, and the only department store brands that fit were $100+ and I was 18 and so that wasn’t going to happen. Every year I re-visit Old Navy under the delusion that perhaps my hips or their styles have changed significantly since the last time and THIS YEAR I CAN BUY THE CHEAP JEANS but they never fit. It never works.

Thank Jesus for American Eagle! Online they’ve got longs AND extra longs in all sizes, but even better — they usually have these sizes ACTUALLY IN THE STORE IN STOCK as well. Almost all my jeans are American Eagle and I’ve maybe ordered from their website twice. Contributing Editor Emily works there and will talk more about it on page two, so I’ll stop.

Department store brands I generally have found to have long inseams: French Connection, Seven for All Mankind, Mavis, Lucky, Silvers, Paper Denim and Cloth, J Brand, Yanuk and James Jeans.

I’m aware that skinny jeans are all the rage but it’s taken like two years of brainwashing for me to even accept that skinny jeans are really a thing despite being the most unflattering cut in the entire universe for everyone of every body type. I think girls look super-cute in baggy jeans with a slight flare or bootcut, the end.

+

Jeans for Tall Boy-Shaped Types:

1) For basics, the American Eagle Boyfriend Jean ($34.99) and the American Eagle Hipster Flare ($29.99) both come in “Long,” which is about 36 inches.

2) You can get a little more stylish with the American Eagle Artist Jean in Sun-faded Super Destroy ($44.99) and Pure Dark Wash ($29.99). I have the latter and it makes your ass look really cute!

3) Levi’s is another place that always has heaps of inseam options, like these Levi’s RED TAB Straight Leg Jeans ($69).

4) I love this Katie Holmes look from a few years ago (she’s 5’9!):

To achieve it I have these vintage Levi’s 70’s Flare situations I got about two years ago that apparently are no longer for sale, as these things so often go. However the Levi’s Destroyed Vintage 60’s Flare Legs are just as cute, and these American Eagle Vintage Hipster Flares aren’t too shabby and are much cheaper than the LDVs.

5) James Jeans usually sport 34 or 35 inch inseams. I got a pair from a used clothing store six years ago, wear them 25% of the days of the year, and they’re still in primo condition. So expensive? Yes, quite. But worth it? Perhaps! I like these James Jeans Playgirl Bootcuts ($120).

6) Seven for all Mankind is another high-end denim brand with long inseams and slim hips. They run about $150-$250 retail. However, due to the explosion of 7 for All Mankind’s popularity in the early ’00s (the first time I spent over $100 on a pair of jeans was on 7s), you can often get Sevens at thrift stores, used clothing stores and even in places like Marshall’s or online bargain shopping websites. Amazon has these 7 For All Mankind Women’s Extra Long Boot Cut Jeans for $59 which are, as the title suggests, extra-long. Each style of 7s fits really differently, though, so it’s best to try them on in stores. If you can pay retail, Seven‘s Kaylie Five-Pocket Bootcut ($189) is all vintage and very distressed with a 35 inch inseam!

+

Jeans for Smaller Boy-Shaped Types:

(I obviously asked for help with this section):

1) Uniqlo Skinny Fit Jeans – $49.90 – These are Alex‘s favorite pants. I actually stole a pair of these pants from her despite the fact that I’m not Alex’s size. When I wear them I can’t breathe and I lose circulation in my thighs but they look really amazing, so. I can’t ever put them in the dryer as they’re just barely long enough (with skinny jeans “just barely long enough” works). I know I’m writing this in the short section, I just want to attest that they look good and probably feel much better if you ‘re wearing your actual size.

2) Alex says, “Lately I’ve found some success with what stores like Urban Outfitters will call “Jeggings”. Even Uniqlo has “jeggings” now. The trick is: buy these “jeggings” a size or two up. They will be skinny-fitting BUT totally stretchy and because you bought them a size up, they won’t be tight or constricting. TRUST ME. Just like these Silence & Noise Crinkle Denim Leggings ($39) I think I have these exact ones… and I think the “crinkle” totally helps the look. They never actually look like “jeggings” on me. I usually need a belt to hold them up because of how stretchy this material can get.

3) Bargains! Mossimo Supply Co. Juniors Bootcut Jean ($22.99)!

4) The Rugby Vintage Wash Boyfriend Jean offers a roomier fit and a 29 inch inseam. ($98)

5) Delia’s Mallory Mid-Rise Skinny Jeans ($44.50) come in sizes 00-20 and lengths 26-36.

6) Levi’s Modern Slight Curve Straight Leg Jeans ($68): “The perfect jean for women with straight hips, narrow thighs and a flatter seat. The Modern Slight Curve hits just below the hip, stays slim through the hip and thigh, then defines curves through the seat. It celebrates straight figures”

Also, Miss April 2011 recommends: “H&M men’s section actually makes jeans that go down to a size 26 and are pretty form fitting yet still baggy.”

Jeans for Butches / Men’s Jeans for Women

by bcw

I’ve always only shopped in men’s sections for all of my clothes, for reasons of gender, comfort, gender, style, and gender. In the past, when I’ve bemoaned my difficulties with pants shopping, friends have occasionally asked me, ‘Why don’t you just shop in women’s?’, to which I generally reply, “Oh we mustn’t have met, my name is Marni” or “Why don’t I just smash my face with a rock.”

Setting aside the fact that I’m profoundly uncomfortable even awkwardly wandering *through* a women’s section while my girlfriend shops for bras or whatever nearby, have you seen the pockets on those bad boys? Women’s clothing really isn’t built for functionality, and I like to have all my essentials on my person – wallet, keys, phone, lighter, etc. I need portability; I need deep pockets.

That said, I’m aggressively pear-shaped, so I tend to have a really terrible, bordering-on-psychologically-damaging time in fitting rooms, squirming under those horrible fluorescent lights, reconciling the fact that my body is not the body that the jeans I’m test-driving were designed for.

My best advice is don’t be afraid to size up; if you’re going for a skinny jean style – quite the rage with the young ones I hear – and you’re shaped like me, you’re better off trying on a larger size. The jeans will fit better around your hips/waist, and will still taper the way they should. If you usually wear a 34, try a 36. I was initially spooked the first time I pulled the larger size off the rack, being mired with enough body image issues as it is, but once I tried them on I couldn’t believe this hadn’t occurred to me before. Size is just a number – it’s arbitrary, inconsistent and doesn’t matter – and nothing makes you feel as awesome as feeling like hot shit in your jeans. Real talk.

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Team Autostraddle Recommends:

The idea here is to find brands with a wide variety of waist/inseam situations available, like Lucky Brand, Levis and Old Navy.

1) Lucky Brand is a butch go-to and it’s kinda cute that the fly always says “Lucky You”! On the pricier side we like the Relaxed Fit 227 Original Boot Cut jeans ($129)

2) For everyday jeans that will last forever, try Lucky’s 361 Vintage Straight Jeans in Old Oklahoma ($80) or Nirvana ( $99).

3) Levis are sold everywhere so it’s easier to find a bargain. These Levi’s Men’s 527 Low Rise Boot Cut Carrier Jean ($44.99) are quite dapper.

4) If you wanna get real trendy, we like the Diesel Rusy 73N Slim Jeans ($82).

5) We’re obsessed with these Buffalo by David Bitton everyday casual Evan Jeans ($99) and can-also-be-fancy Six Jeans ($89).

6) Going budget? There’s plenty at Old Navy in just about every style — we have crushes on Old Navy’s Slim-Straight Jeans in Gray Wash ($39.94) and these Distressed Boot-Cut Jeans in Dark Wash ($39.94)

Jeans in the Workplace

by Crystal, Music Editor

Many people, such as my power-suit wearing mother, are adamant that it is totally unacceptable slash unprofessional to wear denim in business/corporate environments. I think they’re wrong. I’ve dedicated the past 6 years to disproving this belief — or at very least, proving that if you stick to your denim-holstered guns then you can become the office exception.

I wear denim jeans 24 x 7 x 365, including to job interviews and to my various places of employment, and I’ve never been passed over for a job opportunity or received a slap on the wrist from HR for my attire. Whether YOU can do this will depend on your workplace, obviously, maybe you work at Goldman Sachs or some other company that has a strict ‘no denim’ policy. But if you don’t, here are my tips for choosing the right denim for the office:

Got any blacker? Dark/black washes are the way to go, it’s a lot more difficult to dress up light denim. I wear black denim exclusively and rotate them to the weekend wardrobe the moment the colour starts to fade. Opt for jeans with no coloured stitching on the back pockets or, better yet, with no back pockets, such as these denim trousers by Banana Republic ($89.50) or KUT from the Kloth ($79), jeans with fading, fraying, tearing or any other edgy design element probably won’t fly.

Not too tight, not too baggy. If your boss or colleagues can count the number of belt hoops or the exact change in your pocket then your jeans are too low and too tight and probably not appropriate for the office. I recommend tailored and slightly wide-legged jeans with a medium or high waist. My favourites are the black women’s flare or bootcut jeans from Calvin Klein ($49 – $69) Jeans.

Pretend your jeans are trousers. I suggest pairing jeans with long collared shirts, jackets or blazers that cover up tell-tale belt hoops and steel buttons. I avoid pairing them with patterned or plaid shirts, or any other top that I wouldn’t wear suit trousers with.

Next: Why Brandy loves bell bottoms, Lily loves Mom Jeans, and Emily loves American Eagle.

Molly Landreth And Her Queer Portraiture Are On Etsy

Rachel’s Team Pick:

Those of you playing along from home may remember Molly Landreth from when we interviewed her about Embodiment: A Portrait of Queer Life in America this time last year. She was working with Amelia Tovey and a large-format camera to document the lives of  queer people of all spots and stripes all across the country, and she was creating a one-of-a-kind documentary as she went. It was an amazing project, and a really significant experience for those involved in it.

Being a part of Embodiment, portrayed as a valid and important part of national queer culture and community, makes me feel less isolated. Even within queer community, genders and identities can be narrowing and limiting, but with Embodiment, each person is seen as an individual, and each expression is inspiring.

— Hanna King, Embodiment participant

Now everyone can benefit from Molly’s work, as her prints of queer people and couples are available for sale on Etsy! This is great news because they are seriously fucking gorgeous and perfect. Make sure to check it out!

Handmade Portraits: Molly Landreth from Etsy on Vimeo.

Lizz’s Latest Thing: Vintage Swimwear for Grrls & Bois

I’m about to talk about swimsuits. First, let’s not forget that last June we already released Autostraddle’s dope Swimsuit Edition . Go read that first. It’s okay I’ll wait. Okay, now that you’ve read the swimsuit edition I’m not going to talk about timeless swimwear you can wear all the time. I’m going to talk about what you need to own right now. And you need to own a vintage inspired swimsuit.

Vintage inspired swimsuits have been making a slow creep on the market for a couple of years now. Last summer I spent all of June and July trying to track down the perfect halter, full backed, red polka-dotted rouched Betty Paige swim suit. I failed. I can only assume this is because when I first see something cute on TV/in a magazine either it’s a million dollars or you can only buy it in some obscure place like Paris/The Internet.

Thus, last summer when I first decided I wanted a 1950s one-piece, they were pretty much just sold online or for over $200. It’s not that this bathing suit from Modcloth isn’t totes adorbs, it’s just that I’m terrified of ordering something online that I can’t return to a store in person (for that reason, everything shown in the rest of this post is from an actual store where you can return it).

Similarly, this Oscar de la Renta suit is amazing. It’s also almost $600 (boo). If I had an extra $600 around I would probably, I dunno, put it towards something silly like my rent.

But now, luckily, vintage bathing suits are everywhere! 1950s beachwear for everyone! Yay! Especially because, unlike some trends that make me cry all day, throwback swimwear is flattering and inclusive for all sorts of bodies and gender expression. Even the colors/patterns are pretty flattering with lots of blacks, reds, navies and pinks. Plus, you think you know, but you have no idea. This is true life everyone is wearing polka-dots. I love polka dots. Seriously. This is not a test. I want to gay-marry polka dots. So wanna see some of my faves or what?

One-Pieces

The most body conscious type of vintage swimwear is the one piece. I’m in love with the resurgence of the one-piece swimsuit because it starts to put to rest the notion that in order to be cute/sexy/attractive/awesome at the beach you have to basically be naked. The tops of these suits are usually either halter or strapless, while the bottoms are generally either skirted or boy-cut.

The winners here are J. Crew and Anthropologie. I am going to own that Anthropologie suit. Mark my word. It will be mine.

Neon Floral Retro Tank $98-J.Crew	Natalie one-Piece $148 Anthropologie

But Target* and Lane Bryant also came out with a bunch of cute suits. Additionally, both stores have stylish, flattering plus size swimsuits that don’t have some stupid skirt down to your knees.

$98 Dillard’s	$158 Anthropologie	$69.96 Lane Bryant
$34.99 Target*	$59.99 J.Crew	$46.99 Kohls

Bikinis

Maybe, however, you’ve noticed how difficult it is to pee in a one piece. Maybe you just have killer abs and the beach is your time to shine. Maybe, like me, you’re just really scared of change. If that’s the case, you can totally work vintage swimwear in to your normal bikini rotation. This is particularly handy if you constantly wear random tops and bottoms together (which as far as I can tell, is what everyone who isn’t a character on ABC Family does).

For bikinis, the 50s style generally translates in to bra-style under-wire or strapless bandeau tops and higher waisted bottoms. Under-wire tops are basically the best thing that could ever happen if you’re breasts, like mine, have their own gravitational field. If you’re small busted bandeau tops are wicked cute as long as you don’t plan on wearing one to play water polo in. Unless I’m invited. The high waisted bottoms are great if, I dunno, you’re lower stomach gets cold easily or something. Best of all, if you have an old black bikini, you’ll look totes stylish pairing a vintage-inspired top with your old bottoms or high waisted bottoms with an old top.

Marc Jacobs nails the Bandaeu top and, unsurprisingly, American Apparel brings it home for the win with one of the only pairs of high waisted bottoms I’m not the least bit scared to try on.

Marc Jacobs Bandeau Top-$85 Nordstrom Marc Jacobs Bikini Bottoms-$85 Nordstrom	Bandeau Bikini Top -$25 American Apparel High-Waist Swim Brief -$25 American Apparel

J. Crew and Anthropologie again show some nice looking styles for bikinis, but I heart the reasonably priced Delia’s two-pieces (even if Delia’s brings back Junior High Nostalgia for me).

$34 Urban Outfitters	$52 Top $60 Bottoms J. Crew	$24.50 each Delia’s
$68 each Anthropologie	$17 each Delia’s	$68 each Nordstrom

Trunks

So the real reason I love throw-back swimwear is that it’s starting to leak in to menswear as well. This is stellar because, um, well I just really like looking at girls wearing sports bras/tank tops and shorty-shorts. It used to be that to find cute vintage-style shorts you had to go digging through the Salvation Army. Not anymore—swim trunks are back on the rise! (Pun intended.) That’s right, I’m talking about a 2-6 inch inseam. Here we find less polka-dots but a lot more pastels, stripes and nautical themes. It’s also worth mentioning that any of these shorts would look great over a one piece or with a bikini top. If traditional bathingsuit tops aren’t your thing, I suggest buying a quick-dry fabric sports bra and pairing it with a white T-shirt/rash guard to get the full 50s look.

Despite being from a website, the RonRobson.com trunks were too perfect for Pride month to pass up. Penguin nails it too with a color thats almost too good to be true.

Scotch & Soda – Men’s Short Nylon/Cotton Swim Shorts -$68 RonRobinson.com	Penguin ‘Scalloped’ Volley Swim Trunks -$59 Nordstrom

For whatever reason, Nordstrom has the jump-off on short-inseam trunks with a Deisel pair and a few from companies I’ve never heard of. Ever Swim? Ezekiel? Did I miss something? Anyways, the Topman’s aren’t really that retro, but they’re a must-have for anyone who’s looking to win my heart because fake zippers rule. As always, props to American Apparel for unisex clothing.

$128 Nordstrom	$95 Lacoste	$46 Nordstrom
$54 Nordstrom	$34 American Apparel	$80 -Topman

Alrighty, that about sums it up. So how about I put on my new super neat-o red polka dot swimsuit, you throw on a tank top and some volley-ball shorts and we’ll meet at the beach to split a soda-poppy, bask in the sun and play whiffle b– Oh who am I kidding. We can read magazines under a giant umbrella, complain that it’s too hot, wear SPF 1000 and thank god we weren’t actually born in the 50s.

17 Board Games You Could Be Playing Right Now and Having So Much Fun

Board games are called “board games” because they often utilize a “board,” except sometimes they don’t use a board. One thing’s for sure, there’s nothing boring about playing board games!

Throughout our lives on earth as women and as human beings, we have participated in many activities. One of those activities is playing board games. Board games get more and more complicated as time goes on and the world turns around like relative to the sun or whatever, but today we are focusing on the Timeless Glory Board Games, the Best Board Games of All Time, The Board Games that put the “O!!!” back in “Board” and the “AHHHH” back in “Games.” You follow?

(Some of the) Best Board Games of All Time

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Guess Who?

by Lindsay, Writer

Guess Who? probably seems like a weird choice because a game takes all of five minutes if you’re past ‘being-able-to-master-basic-logic’ skills and the original 1987 board was pretty male-dominated (later editions have attempted to rectify the issue of gender inequity in Guess Who?). But there’s something about those little red and blue game boards that will always beckon to me when I pass a well-worn box at someone’s house or at one of those coffee shops with a board game collection.

Maybe it’s the feeling of accomplishment that still comes with a Guess Who? victory. Maybe it’s the universality of it (as I’ve noticed here, the US and UK versions are pretty much identical). Maybe it’s the memories of childhood family gatherings where we’d play Guess Who? before the Airing of the Grievances. Or maybe it’s the convenience of it, the fact that you can wrap up two rounds in 10 minutes, that makes for effortless ice-breaking when dealing with new people / situations. But whatever it is, I will always sit down for a game of Guess Who? and no, my person does not have a moustache, guess again, brah.

Also, ‘These Eyes,’ by similarly-named Canadian rock band The Guess Who, is a total jam.

Scattergories

by Intern Laura & Riese

Laura:
If you ask anyone in my family about Scattergories, they will roll their eyes and tell you about the Long Island Iced Tea Incident. The Long Island Iced Tea Incident happened on Thanksgiving eight or so years ago when my cousin wrote “long island iced tea” as his answer for the category “drinks” when the letter was “i.” He then had the audacity to insist that his answer should not only get a thumbs up (my family votes on every questionable response) but get double points. My uncle started yelling, chaos ensued, and everyone ended up leaving my Grandma’s house in a huff before dessert. Despite this, we still play Scattergories all the time.

Scattergories has everything a good game should have: you have to think creatively, you get to judge your family and friends, and you have more fun when you’re making other people laugh. Riese is really good at Scattergories and the only person I’ve met who takes the rules as seriously as my family. The only rule we don’t follow is that the game is for 2-6 people; it’s much more fun with at least 10. Wikipedia says that Scattergories was a game show in 1993 and that it regularly featured a player named Chuck Woolery. I don’t know who that is, but his name is really similar to mine.

Riese:

I am really really really serious about Scattergories. Nobody appreciates my adherence to the rules besides Intern Hot Laura and occasionally my girlfriend, but only because she’s so serious about the rules of Scrabble so it’s a trade-off. Honestly I don’t see why the rules are so confusing to people, but maybe it’s just sad for them that I always win.
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Trivial Pursuit

by Riese, Editor-in-Chief

I think Trivial Pursuit revolutionized Education, because every time I was forced to study something I perceived to be boring/irrelevant, I’d reassure myself that this might come in handy next time I play “Kyle Wins,” which is what my family calls “Trivial Pursuit,” because Cousin Kyle always wins (FUCKING SPORTS!!!!!) I wouldn’t have survived American Diplomacy or Biology had I not pumped myself up with positive ideas about how much better I’d be at yellow/green this holiday season.

There are about ten billion versions of Trivial Pursuit and at least ten “Genus” editions which you inevitably mis-read as a “Genius” edition, amirite?

Older versions result in a lot of questions about The Andy Griffith Show and the 1975 Olympics, but we recently played the 20th Anniversary Edition and Jesus Christ was that shit a mess, maybe the worst game of all time. As many Amazon.com users attest, the questions were “absurd,” “so obscure that there is no way anybody would have known them,” impossible for even Harvard graduates to answer, often incorrect, “mis-worded” and “well beyond the definition of trivia.” These things are true.

However I think heaven would be a place on earth if I could spend the rest of my life playing Trivial Pursuit: Book-Lovers Edition and Scattergories forever and ever AND EVER.

Mouse Trap

by Stef, Music Contributor

OK to be fair it’s been a really long time since I’ve played Mouse Trap and I don’t think my parents even ever owned Mouse Trap. I think I played at the house of the kid up the block whose parents were [ALLEGEDLY] in the Mafia and had a ton of money and thus a ton of cool toys my parents would never buy, like a huge Ghostbusters play house and a red Power Wheels Jeep that the kid used to drive me around his driveway in while a thick line of drool dripped down his face onto his Osh Kosh B’Gosh overalls. A fitting precedent for the rest of my life. I digress.

Mouse Trap is awesome because the trap makes no sense. The objective is to race your mouse around the board, build the trap piece by piece and be the last mouse standing by the end. It’s a perfectly terrible way to catch a mouse, and the game is really just boring and pointless for kids anyway (Roll the dice! Collect cheese! Avoid cats!), but the trap itself is awesome. There’s a shoe and a bucket and a red bathtub and a little diving guy and a metal ball that rolls down a staircase for some reason and somehow after all this, a cage falls down over where someone’s mouse ought to be but usually isn’t. Nothing that happens in the actual game itself is important, but the problem solving/trap building part probably is. I don’t know. Maybe I learned how to follow assembly instructions from playing Mouse Trap. That’s the only valuable life skill I could possibly have developed from this game. Years later, when my grown-up apartment had mice, we got a cat, and that seemed to work too.

Monopoly

by Chloe, Contributor

There are many reasons to adore Monopoly- the cute little silver pieces, bellowing “DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200 DOLLARS”, subtly stealing colorful little monies while playing banker. Most of all I love Monopoly because it is a competitive outlet for me, someone who has never excelled at any athletic activity whatsoever, to kick ass in. Another admirable aspect of monopoly is the commitment requirement; when a participant sits down they silently pledge to stick through Monopoly’s long, arduous haul no matter how bored they become or how deeply they want to smack the other participants. I find that sort of of long term pledge admirable if somewhat daunting. Y’all can buy Monopoly here. Or if you want to spice things up there are countless Monopoly remixes and editions to select from.

Life

by Laneia, Executive Editor

When you’re a goal-oriented, wannabe over-achieving child, the Game of Life is where you feel most at home. No game made me feel more accomplished than Life, and I didn’t even need another person to play with — the game of Life was just as satisfying when played alone. In fact, it was probably more enjoyable because there was no one to take the doctor career card before I could. Life is like the board game version of MASH, which is arguably the best non-board game for daydreamers who dislike the burden of agency.

The best part of Life, aside from the wads of cash you receive at regular intervals, is the fact that you get a car right from the start. I CALL THE YELLOW ONE. The yellow car is mine.

**Special Gender-Neutral DIY Modification: Do you have issues with the gendered blue and pink pegs used to represent boys and girls in the game of Life? Here’s how to make your own Life pegs!

Make two little bricks out of Fimo clay. Press a peg half-way down (horizontally, duh) into both pieces of clay. Bake those mothers until they harden. Lightly — really lightly — oil the inside of the peg impression in each brick. Or maybe dust it with cornstarch instead. I’m leaving that up to you. Using whatever color you’d like to represent your gender-unbiased self, press a smallish blob of clay into the peg impression in one brick. Make sure there’s some clay left on top and smash the other peg-indented brick against it. Carefully pull the bricks apart and really gently ease the peg away from the brick. Cut away any excess clay and bake. Gender-neutral Life peg! Bam!**

Scrabble

by Julia, Contributor

Contrary to what anyone else in this post might tell you, Scrabble is actually the best game ever. And I’m not just saying that because I have finally gained the necessary skills to beat my mother at it. Or because I am contemplating buying an iPhone in large part so I can have 24/7 access to Scrabble. Scrabble is just that good! It has everything: words; tension; little letters; ridiculous fights over the acceptability/meanings of words; points; giggling over rude words; dictionaries; strategy; tactics; and the ability to feel really really smug when you get a super high-scoring word. What more could you possibly want?

Real life places/instances in which Scrabble has been awesome:
+ My lounge room
+ On my brother’s iPhone at our other brother’s loooooong graduation ceremony
+ On a boat (magnetic, bitches!)
+ When an ex-girlfriend decided to drop by unannounced and there was all sorts of crazy tension because I was hanging out with a friend, whom that ex-girlfriend had accused me of being in love with during the breakup (untrue, for the record).

Moral of the story: Scrabble is fun, versatile and helps you to avoid dyke drama. So get on it.

Twister

by Lily, Writer

I was a very competitive child—I am still a very competitive child. My family hates playing board games with me because I will do everything in my power to make sure I win (this sometimes includes what other people might call “cheating” but what I like to refer to as “extreme intelligence”). Unfortunately one thing I am not is flexible. Nor athletic. Nor hand-eye coordinated. So the fact that I brought Twister to every single sleepover EVER, says quite a lot about me as a person who likes to be physically close to other girls.

No one else wanted to play Twister. Ever. I basically forced every single all-female sleepover that I ever attended to play that damn game with me. Actual groans could be heard from my fellow eight year-olds when I would enter the room holding my favorite Twister box close to my heart. I must have been very persuasive (or more likely just incredibly annoying) because despite their groans, these slumber party attendees still gave in to putting their right leg on yellow and their left arm on red—suspiciously close to my right leg on green and my left arm on blue. I may have never ever won Twister in the traditional sense (which often pissed me off) but I certainly won in my own special and slightly creepy-now-that-I-look-back-on-it way.

The Bra Issue: Queer Fashion Guide For Various Shapes, Sizes and Gender Expressions

What the hell are you going to do with those boobs, you big ol’ lez? Everyone has a complicated relationship with their breasts and many queers find this relationship especially tumultuous. The bra industry is heterocentricly sexualized and even queer femme shoppers start feeling a little awkward the 45th time the saleswoman tells you how much your boyfriend will love that bra. Because what about your tomboyfriend, you know?

In this spirit we bring you the first-ever AUTOSTRADDLE BRA ISSUE. As you may or may not recall, we’ve already gone through what you should do with your bottoms area in Boyshorts 101 and what swimsuits to buy in The Swimsuit Edition.

We’re attempting to address at least 50% of your needs in this piece, but the comments are wide open for you to share tips for your own gender presentation/sexual identity/income/lifestyle/taste-in-sandwiches.

Quick Note: The point of all the information contained within is not to help you “fix” anything about your body. Nothing on you needs fixing. Nobody’s breasts need to be smaller or bigger or perkier or rounder than they are naturally unless you want them to be. That’s the point of this guide — helping you find what you want, not what you “need.” Hopefully we’ve provided a wide range of options for whatever those desires may be.

Quick Note #2: Because everyone is apparently shy about their rack, every section of this guide besides Julie’s essay, Bevin’s essay and Lily’s picks aren’t attributed to anyone. It’s just a “team effort.”

1) Fit Tips

2) What the Fuck is a Demi Cup?

3) General Tips/Gender-Neutral Bra Picks

4) WHATS A BUTCH TO DO – The Bra Epidemic In The United States and the World
by Julie Goldman

5) Butch Bra-Buying Tips & Picks

6) Bras for Girls With Small Boobs

7) Binding 101

8.) Tips For Chicks With Giant Racks

9) What To Do With Boobs from a Queer Fat Femme Perspective,
by Bevin Branlandingham of QueerFatFemme.com

10) Busty Bra-Buying Picks

11)  Something Girly, by Intern Lily

Fit Tips:

+ You’re probably wearing the wrong size bra right now, because 70% of women are.

+ If it fits right:

Straps: Should be level all the way around your body — it shouldn’t be higher in the front or the back. FUN FACT! Only 20% of bra “support” comes from straps, the rest is from the cups/band.

Center seam (space between cups) should be flat against your chest and the underwire should rest on your rib cage, not your tits.

Your breasts shouldn’t bulge out at the top or sides of your bra, they should be all wrapped up in the cup. If there’s any wrinkles then it’s too big and you need to go down a size.

Your bra shouldn’t leave any lines or indentations on your body when you wear it for a long time.

+ One boob bigger than the other like Michelle from Skins? Guess what, almost all women have one bigger than the other. You should water and feed the smaller one, but also when getting a bra, buy for the bigger breast.

What The F-ck is a Demi Cup?
or “Different Types of Bras, Explained”

Demi-Cup: Half the coverage of a normal bra — it’ll just peek past your nipple, maybe. On the whole demi cups are likely to create cleave and have shorter underwires.

Balconette: Slightly less coverage than a demi cup — cuts horizontally slightly above the bust line to provide superior uplift. Usually padding is involved.

Contour Cup Bra: These suckers hold their shape even when they’re not on you. They provide a “sculpted silhouette” and “a specific round & symmetrical breast shape.” It hides your nips but doesn’t add size. Especially good for you if you’re in between sizes or one breast is much bigger than the other.

Soft Cup Bra: No underwire, no padding.

Padded Cup Bra: Fiber-filled cups. Adds definition and gives a “well-proportioned look” if you’re on the smaller side.

Push-Up Cup: This creates killer cleave and makes your breasts look fuller. Generally worn by C cups and smaller but YOU DO YOU GIRL you do you. Basically the cups are angled inward, pushing everything to the center, which you probably do with your arms in the shower a lot. Amirite?

Minimizer Cup: These babies reduce your breasts’ projection so you can wear front-button shirts without that gap thing happening. It shifts things around to different areas, etc.

Molded Cups: Designed to disappear under t-shirts, but not always easy to find in the right size.

Plunge Bra: The middle is super low so you can wear it with v-necks. Usually also maximizes cleavage.

Gender-Neutral Bra Shopping

So let’s start with the basics every bra-wearing woman might want to consider having in her collection:

1) A racerback (or convertible, which is good ’cause it also goes strapless in case tube tops come back)
2) For under white shirts, a bra that matches your skin tone
3) Regular black bra for everyday use
4) Sports bra for sports and/or gender panic

You can find plenty of guides to gorgeous lingerie in mainstream women’s magazines but what about just a run-of-the-mill gender neutral bra? Not too shiny, not too lacey…? Even American Eagle manages to fuck up their seemingly homogay bras with a tiny little maddening bow right there in the g-ddamn middle:

In general, brands which are likely to sport gender-neutral designs include Calvin Klein, Diesel, D&G, Ralph Lauren, DKNY, Just Cavalli, The Gap and American Apparel.

Autostraddle’s Gender-Neutral Bra Picks

1) Calvin Klein Underwear “ck one” Cotton Basic Convertible Bra- $36  – (32a – 36D) – The big bonus here is No Padding!

2) Top Secret Billie Jean Bralette – $54 -(XS – L) -“Sweetheart neckline” and “seamed cups” and “hip.”

3) CK One Cotton Push-Up Bra / Heather Stripe – $36 – (32A – 36C) -soft/comfy stretch cotton, a little bit of foamy push and sweet sweet stripes for your stars.

4) Lucky Brand Hope Demi Bra – $38 –  (32B – 38D) – Okay, there’s some “picot trim” happening here — but also — no padding!

5) Chaps Modern Deco Full-Coverage Convertible Contour Bra – #38 – (36 B – 38 DD)- Full coverage, “360 degree comfort-stretch foam padding for contoured shape and support,” and a “let’s go ride horses” thing happening.

6) Victoria’s Secret Full Coverage Cotton Lingerie Full Coverage Bra – $24.50 – (32B – 40DDD) – The softest, stretchiest, sexiest cotton ever.” Lots of colors, more size options.

7) Gilligan & OMalley Women’s Microfiber Racerback $10.99 – (32 A – 40D)- Cheap. Simple. Works under racerback tank tops.

8 ) Diesel Push-Up Bra – $30.00 – Blue, just like the sky!

9) Just Cavalli Push-Up Bra – $50 – Reminds me of Speed Racer.

10) Gap Favorite Unpadded T-Shirt Bra – $36.00 – (32A – 36D) – Simple, basic, no padding, etc.

11) Barely There Custom FitFlex Wire-Free Bra – $26 – (XS-XL) – Wire-free, seamless and tag free with adjustable shoulder straps.

12) Knickerocker Navy & White Stripey Bralet – $38 – (32A – 38D) – “Saucy but soooooo cute, how can you resist this navy and white striped cotton bra with red elastic trim.”

WHATS A BUTCH TO DO – The Bra epidemic In The United States and the world.

By Julie Goldman

Yes. This global epidemic of butch ladygentlemen and the lack of undergarment resources is disturbing and just plain wrong. It’s clearly adding to GM injected foods and to babies being born without heads. This is all scientifically backed up by my butt. But it’s true that for a larger masculeen ladyman such as myself, the options for bras and underwear are few & far between.

I’ve always toyed with the idea of creating a line of BUTCH BRAS AND UNDERWEARS for the discriminating Butchesque In-Betweener. However, I have no design skills and can’t even raise money to make my movies, so it remains a dream.

The truth is — there’s just so much body image displaced weird shit running through us sensitive Butches and when you’re larger, often the last thing you EVER want to do is show your body. BUT — perhaps if we had some undergarments that accentuated and complemented our bodies we’d start feeling more confident and we’d take our sexual power back. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know many who have expressed these feelings. I am one of them.

Isn’t there something between a regular bra and a sports bra for us? I see so many fun Manties — they get superheroes, and cool colors, and fun words strewn across their sacks, like “balls here” with an arrow pointing to their packages. Why can’t we have fun with OUR bras? Why must they all be flowered? And lacy? With underwires… and crème…

Boobs are considered to be inherently feminine and the world tends to think unless it’s a sports bra, your feminine boobs require flowers, lace, and the Seduction of Men.

Well, first of all: I hate men.

And secondly — I want to seduce MYSELF and feel confident and sexual and powerful with a Special Lady. I want to hypnotize her with my boobs. I cannot do this in a flowery lace Balis Minimizer that my mother forced me to wear my entire life ’cause I carry 38Ds.

I wish someone would create a line of Butch Bras for ANY girl who wants to have some fun with her underwears and still be sexy & powerful without looking like a Victoria’s Secret Model, ’cause for some of us that look takes our power AWAY and makes us feel weird inside (Not that we don’t like to see it — on other people.)

I want something that lifts and separates and keeps my shit tight. I don’t mind showing some cleavage – I am a girl – and I’m not trying to hide ’em.  I’m just trying to look in the mirror and feel good. I want to see a sort of masculine femininity reflected in my bra and underwear. I don’t want to strap my big ass boobs down, I want to show them off –- we just need a designer to understand for the masculeeene lady – our femininity is IN our masculinity and someday I hope there is a bra that supports that.

See what I did. Supports that. Our boobs.

Bra-Buying Tips for Masculine Ladies

Sinclair Sexsmith, butch sex lord at Sugarbutch.net, recently did a post about trying to find bras for butches. Here’s what Sugarbutch says:

“Sports bras obviously are a little less precise in their sizing, but even if you don’t intend to wear any regular bras anymore, figure out your size. It’s amazing how hard it is for us to figure that out. There really is a difference between a 34D and a 36C, and they are not the same size. This seems to be a particularly difficult one for many of the butches I know, because bra shopping is just about The Scariest Thing Possible, and going in there and asking a professional to help figure out what size you really are is pretty much like walking into hell. But, let me just say, it has made a really big difference in my bra-buying since I actually got measured properly, figured out why the sizes are different, and what size I really am.”

Just like any other identity, butches are not a homogeneous sort. Some of us want to make our breasts as invisible as possible, some of us wanna sport some aforementioned masculeen-lady-cleve. Some of us dislike the straps that look too much like traditional bra straps. A friend of mine said she stays away from halter cuts because the straps are more likely to be visible under t-shirts.

A traditional black/grey/white sports bra isn’t hard to track down, so rather than offer you 12 black/grey/white sports bra options, we mixed it up a bit if you wanna sex it out to various degrees:

1) Champion Powersleek Sports Bra – $27 – (all sizes up to 44DDD) – this is the standard. Sugarbutch says: “Because it has a clasp, instead of being pulled over my head, I can actually buy a size that is slightly smaller and tighter, which I love.”

2) Victoria’s Secret Pink School Spirit Sports Bra – $26.50 – It turns out Victoria’s Secret manufacturer a few items that are not pink. This is like athletic and tomboyish and fun.

3) Adidas Supernova Racer Bra – $35 – runner-level support, racerback, compression support and fun fun colors.

4) Natori Sport Underwire Bra – $48 – (32B – 40DDD ) –  SERIOUS SUPPORT. This bra is not fucking around.

5) Seamless Racerback Sports Bra from Champion – $16.99 – (32ABC – 40C) – Double-layer seamless construction offers great support in a classic pullover design by Champion.

6) Performance Wear Compression Spyder Tank – $29.99 – For a full-body experience.

7) Jane-Fonda Inspired Bra -$38 –  (32A-38D) – This is for if you really wanna like get wild and stuff. “Made from a red and black stripy cotton lycra and black power mesh, this bra is edged with a black fold over elastic.”

8.) Harbour Club Plunge Bikini Top – £42 – (D cups up to HH cup) – As Julie Goldman mentioned, it’s nearly impossible to find something between a Sports Bra and a Lace/Flower Situation for anyone who’s breasts have grown out of the juniors section. Most mono-color bras, for that matter, are shiny satin material. But this sucker is cotton, there are no visible bows, and it’s got a little Nautical theme going on. The only thing is that you’ve gotta order it from Miss Mandalay’s in the UK.

9) Fila Sport Seamless Performance Sports Bra – $30- (XS-XL) –  It’s seamless, therefore providing a “smooth look under clothes.”

10) Comfort Sports Bra by Champion – $44 – (32C – 42DD) – Mesh-ventilated, molded cups, inner spacer fabric, moisture-wicking bra.

11) Booby Trap Sports Bra – $19 – “Will lock your girls down and not let ’em go.” Available at Title Nine, which is a butch favorite for its variety and “barbell” measurement system and the “Frog Bra” which was awesome but is gone now. I weep for it every day.

12) North Face Bounce-B-Gone Sports Bra –  $28 – Less support for those in need of less support. Cute colors.

For the Small-Breasted Girls

When you’re sporting an AAA, AA or A cup, your options include “not wearing a bra” and sources are split on when/where/how such a thing is “appropriate.” For example, nobody has to wear a bra in San Francisco or at Bonnaroo, but you might wanna pack one when going back to the heartland for the holidays because visible nip makes grandma nervous. Similarly, bras are useful for loose shirts or see-through fabrics.

According to most mainstream women’s magazines and mainstream fashion, all women should have bras on at all times and only hippie feminist lezzers go without.  But really there are no rules. Just whatever feels comfortable.

However, regardless of your size a lot of women just prefer to have a bra on (A cups bounce too!) and aesthetically, you can sometimes almost think of bras as an accessory which makes your shirt look cuter, regardless of whether or not you “need” it.

If you’re a AAA or AA and have nothing that really fits into a cup and you’re just looking to prevent nipping out at the office, you can usually go with a triangle bra or a shelf-bra. The American Apparel Cotton Spandex Jersey Cross-Back Bra is the standard:

I’m an A cup and find triangle bras aren’t especially flattering under shirts and, conversely, bras that offer a lot of coverage (like most “t-shirt” bras) are expecting to handle a much larger chunk of flesh than I have. So demi-cups and balconettes are usually a skinny girl’s BFF.

There are a few specific challenges for small-breasted bra shoppers — for starters it is near damn impossible to find a bra in your size without padding as apparently all As are aspirational. For A-cups in larger band sizes, it can be difficult to find anything at all — as far as that goes, we recommend Just My Size, which stocks A-cups and B-cups for band sizes ranging from 38 to 50. Conversely, Macy’s has a few options in a 30-A, like this Molded Triangle Racerback.

If you’re out in the world and shopping, you’ll find a pretty serious selection at H&M (you can’t shop H&M online), including some sporty styles and the very best in spaghetti-strap tank top/camisoles which can substitute for a bra. Big-box stores like Target and K-Mart have healthy stocks of small bras. The Juniors section of some department stores might have what you’re looking for, and brands that cater to teens are more likely to have small sizes, such as American Eagle Outfitters.

I’ve been wearing the same two Calvin Klein bras since high school. They can be pricey, which is why TJ Maxx and Marshall’s and Loehmanns exist.

Autostraddle’s Picks for Small-Breasted Girls

1) American Apparel’s Cotton Spandex Jersey Cross-Back Bra – $14 – The classic small-breasted girl pick with every color under the sun.

2) Free People Wrap Bra – $28 – For when you’re really, really over it.

3) CK One Convertible Micro Push-Up Bra – $38 – (32A and up) – This is your do-everything enhance-everything gadget. You can adjust it to halter or criss-cross (racerback), it’s silky, padded cups give you super-cleave and the embossed logo looks fancy.

4) Victoria’s Secret Pink Yoga Bralette – $16.50 – Simple, comes in a billion colors.

5) CK One Cotton Underwire Bra – $27 – “The one for everyone.” Most important thing about this one is that there’s NO PADDING so you can rock out with your nips out all you want. (Recommended for a larger A/smaller B cup)

6) Calvin Klein’s Perfectly Fit Satin Sculpt Balconette Bra – $44 – (34A and up) – lightly padded balconette with line-free edge, hook & eye closure, satin trim, underwire.

7) Diesel Triangle Bra – $30 – sporty jersey, stretch, lightly lined.

8.) Xhiliration Juniors 2-Pack Demi Bra – $12 – Super cheap! Lined but not padded. Hard to go wrong with this one.

9) Calvin Klein Perfectly Fit Racerback Bra – $42 – (32A and up) – I’d like to draw your attention to this bra because your boobs will never look as good as they do when you undo the front clasp on this sucker.

10) Victoria’s Secret Pink Scoopneck Plunge Demi-Bra – $30 – (32AA and up) – This will go well underneath your v-necks.

NEXT: Binding, giant racks, the Queer Fat Femme perspective and Lily’s Girly picks.

How to Smell Good 101: Cologne & Perfume Guide for Queers

Being queer or a total fucking weirdo in this day & age means it’s often difficult to locate appropriate beauty and fashion advice in spaces that aren’t totally alienating. We cannot spend our entire lives mentally re-appropriating Esquire’s Manly Men Man at His Best Manly Manliness Manscape or Glamour’s 567 Ways to Make Your Lips Look Like Everyone Else’s to meet our own sinister queer purposes! We need somebody to just do it right the first time!

We’ve decided to take that on. Welcome to The Queer Beauty Bar, where everybody knows your name and we keep our nails very short.

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Today’s topic: Scents.

We had a request for a story on men’s cologne for lesbos, but of course we could not contain ourselves to one gender and had to share all of our feelings about all of the smells in the whole wide world.

Anecdotal evidence shows that smelling good is the number one best way to get laid or to hide your aversion to daily showering. If you have a special somebody this Valentine’s Day, scents are a fabulous way to tell somebody, “I love you, and I want to nuzzle my nose in your shoulder and bite your collarbone.” You know? What I’m saying is that a good cologne is the gift that keeps on giving. Seriously if you’re not wearing cologne or perfume or patchouli or scented lotion or something I don’t really want you anywhere near me, to be perfectly honest.

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Man scents

Popular Picks: Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue & Burberry Brit For Men

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Brandy HOWARD & Julie GOLDMAN

video stars, “In your box office”

The best smelling man in our life is (hands down) Jonny McGovern. Nothing but the best for the Gay Pimp– he wears Play by Givenchy. And that’s our vote for the sexiest cologne worn by a boy we know.

Julie smells pretty sexual herself, and she sprays on Lacoste for Men and then smokes a cigarette. (That combo is a panty dropper. I’ve seen it happen!)

Both of those are hot, but we aren’t mad at Axe Body Spray. It’s great in a pinch and it’s cheap enough that you can afford to spray it all over your body, your car, and your sheets. (Girls go crazy for that!)

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G. of “Can I Help You, Sir?”

[via fitforafemme]

My preference is for clean, fresh or in some cases, woodsy scents with an underlying masculine feel. I tend to stay away from the spicy colognes, as they’re too heavy. I don’t want my scent to be noticed as soon as I walk in the room; I’d rather it be noticed because someone had to lean in closely to talk to me.

My top 3:

+ Armani Code for Men: I think it’s the combination of the lemon and the wood that really does it for me with this scent. One of the things I like best about it is that it’s definitely masculine without being overwhelming, which is an elusive quality with all the macho colognes out there.

+ Burberry Classic for Men: I really love what Burberry does with their fragrances, especially this one. It just smells great on my skin. It’s been around for a while, but it’s still one of the first ones I grab as I’m getting ready. The top notes of bergamot, cedar and amber really do it for me. I also own Burberry London, Brit and Beat, and I love them all.

+ Banana Republic Slate: I love the fresh scent of this cologne, which relies basically on a blend of ginger and citrus notes. Those two together give it the a quality that is tough for me to find, which is clean AND inviting. It also just feels like a simple, easy-to-wear cologne, which I really like.

My choices also vary a bit depending on the season. These ones are all good fall/winter selections. I have different standbys in the summer that are a little lighter with more prominent citrus undertones (Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue is a favorite).

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M.

[via fitforafemme]

First, much like G, I treat most colognes like seasons. Summer scents are not okay in the winter, unless there’s some sort of obscene heat wave that drives all the sea lions from Pier 39 all the way to Oregon. There are a few that are transcendental, though, and can be enjoyed year round, not unlike peach cobbler.

+I like spicy (but earthy) colognes in the fall and winter. Serge Lutens Borneo 1834 and John Varvatos Vintage are good examples. The Varvatos in particular smells like you just made an emergency landing with your prop plane in a mossy forest, survived, and so did your flask. It is quiet-handsome-action-hero-ruggedness! Tobacco, dirt, woods, gasoline, smoke!

+I am loathe to admit this, because Tom Ford is a giant dickbag, and most of his colognes reek like urinal cakes, but I really liked his Black Orchid cologne for Men. Fuck you, Tom Ford (but also: good job)! I plan to steal some from a department store so Mr Ford doesn’t profit. This makes me feel better. Anyway, why I liked it- even though he is like an attention-whorey-Vegas-casino, the cologne is more like an Olympic fencer: surprisingly subtle.

+ Summer and Spring call for lighter, cleaner/fresher scents, to go with lighter clothing. Although I am all out, Creed Silver Mountain Water is my favorite. It is light and clean and not FRUITY! I don’t want to smell like food. Only food should smell like food! In fact, I have a household ban on any non-food product that smells like food (candles, soaps, cleaning products, etc). Okay, okay, I made one exception for a fig candle.

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Kelsey

Video Assistant

I roll with Old Spice “Swagger“ which my girlfriend Taylor insists smells like everybody’s grandpa.

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Jess

Senior Editor

My best friend is an impeccably groomed twenty-something gay guy and he always smells delish. He wears Dior Homme or Gucci II for Men. Whatever he’s doing, it’s working.

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Corey

Music Blogger

Personally, I wear Curve for Men. It’s the least overpowering men’s cologne I have found and it smells good. As an added bonus my girlfriend likes the way it smells when she wears my jackets so that aspect doesn’t hurt either.

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Natalie

News Writer

I enjoy Burberry Brit For Men – it’s smart, fresh and light, but also robust and earthy, just like my honeys. I like it because it says “I’m serious (you can wear it to the office) – but come from a peaceful, relaxed place.

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Fit For a Femme

Fashion Blogger

There’s a great, super Portland company that does old-timey scents in great little manly bottles here that are definitely worth taking note of (don’t say I didn’t warn you; you will want them ALL).

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mixed-gendered scents

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Robin Roemer

Photographer

If you want to break all gender barriers and also the bank, you can be one of many NYers who visit Le Labo to get a Feminine, Masculine, or Androgynous perfume.  Carly’s gay boy roommate and I had the same scent for awhile.   I like being able to sample an array of scents and see which one fits best.

Burberry’s The Beat is another one I own.  Although I believe it’s “for women”, it’s a pretty unisex smell.  It’s not too flowery or too musky.  I like straddling that line between smelling feminine and masculine.

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Deanne Smith

Comedienne Columnist

I wear Chanel Allure Homme. If you smelled it, you would want me to hug you.  My smell-sensitive and generally allergic little raw nerve of a girlfriend likes it, too, which is a bonus.  I found out recently that her mom wears Chanel Allure for ladies, though, and I’m trying not to be weirded out by this.

The best-smelling fragrance in the world is Gaultier 2. On the right body, when it settles in, it seriously smells like muffins.

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Rachel B.

Tech Writer

I really like warm, spicy smells. The kind that smell comforting and cozy.

I like to wear Intimately Beckham by David Beckham because it’s very warm but also light. It combines really well a spicy aroma while being sweet at the same time. Also Curve Crush smells really good because it kind of smells really clean and like you’re sitting at the ocean and it’s kind of a cold day but you have a really great cardigan on. Another favourite is Paris Hilton for Men. It’s sweet and very delicious but my bottle ran out a long time ago and I’m still sad about it.

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Carly

Televisionary

I love fragrances! It’s one of my favorite accessories and they always come in very exciting packaging. I never leave the house without spraying something on. A scent can completely change your perception of a person… a great scent goes a long way but so does a bad one. I’m always asking my friends what perfume or cologne they’re wearing if I like what they smell like. Wow reading this back I sound like a lunatic.

Anyway, I am obsessed with Le Labo Fragrances (lelabofragrances.com). They have a store an adorable store in SoHo. They’re all amazing and they whip you up a fresh batch whenever you buy one. A little pricey but it goes a long way. And their whole look/decor is fantastic. Currently I’m wearing Fleur D’Oranger 27. They have collections that are for men, women, and unisex, but I’ve found that most if not all of their fragrances can be worn by anyone.

Other favorites: Gucci II for Women, Burberry Touch for Men, Clean’s entire line for women, Viktor & Rolf Antidote for Men, and even though it’s mega-popular, D & G Light Blue for Women is lovely. And whatever that Burberry scent is that Robin wears, it’s really really nice :)

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Stef:

Music Blogger

I used to be really obsessed with the natural perfume oils at Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab, which are handmade and unisex and delicious.

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Vikki:

Mom-Blogger, uppoppedafox.com

I’m of no help. We don’t wear cologne. Luisa always smells like men’s speedstick and I smell like mentos gum. Unless alcohol counts because apparently drinking a lot of whiskey makes you smell flammable and I came home smelling like that a couple weeks ago.

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Intern Elizabeth

I don’t tend to like or wear any cologne or perfume because I’m pretty allergic, but I do enjoy when a person (guy, girl, whoever) wears Old Spice Sport or if they just smell like regular aftershave or fresh laundry. I guess I just like it when people smell like they shower?

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Crystal

Music Editor

I’ve always been in love with the classic Hugo Boss Man fragrance (and anyone who wears it), however it’s extremely strong and masculine and post-college I decided that it was a little too bold to pull off. So now I wear Hugo Boss Element, a far more subtle fragrance for men that could really be marketed as unisex, it smells amazing and always attracts compliments from both genders.

I also wear Hugo Boss Deep Red, which is a fragrance for women that’s wood & spice-based rather than floral. I like it because it’s soft and warm and there’s something rather masculine about it. But that can be said about a lot of Hugo Boss lady products, the brand caters to people who prefer their fragrances & fashion to be a little androgynous.

Every now and then I’ll also wear Daisy by Marc Jacobs and With Love by Hilary Duff, they both smell pretty.

Becky

Style Editor

Kiehls Original Blend-Toilette Spray – it’s pretty expensive, but it was seriously the best/sexiest thing I’ve ever smelt. Also I can get down with the apothecary aesthetic of the bottle. Other favorite smells include cigar boxes, cocoa butter, and jasmine.

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lady scents

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Rachel B

Tech Blogger

Some favourites that my lady wears are Heat by Beyonce – this is a very sexy, dark, deep smell. Obvs. And With Love by Hilary Duff. It is also wonderful when she wears the Lemon Bath and Body Works spray. But that just makes me want lemonade.

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Michele

The Scene writer

Most days I wear Falling in Love by Philosophy because my grandma has been buying it for me since 10th grade and it smells like a good winter day and also because I’ve been wearing it so long that people associate it with me and I like that. But I like to wear Axe, too, which is totally nauseating I know but I have no doubt that inside I’m a 15 year old boy. 15 year old boy is a really fun thing to channel before going out on a Friday night. Also I like how cheap and fresh it smells.

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Intern Lily

I wear “Provocative Woman” by Elizabeth Arden for a number of reasons. Mainly because I really really like wearing something called “provocative woman”, I think it is hilarious. It is also fun to pretend to a be a “provocative woman”, of which I pretty much am not. I got a free sample of this stuff freshman year of high school when I was hanging out with my friends after school. It was a day that was just really really good for no reason in particular–I hadn’t been consistently content or happy in a long time so the feeling was new and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it but I knew I liked it. So that perfume reminds me of being ok. Who knows if I even truly love the smell, I just like the sense of security it gives to me. And, of course, the name.

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Intern Megan

Very Sexy from Victoria’s Secret because it’s what my first girlfriend wore and I’m now addicted to the scent.

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Riese:

Editor-in-Chief

My first scent EVER was Fuzzy Peach from The Body Shop which I picked because I got a lot of Body Shop stuff on my birthdays. I then graduated to a ten-year romance with Tommy Girl which I selected because it made me think of tomboys. Then when I was no longer a girl, I switched to Burberry Brit because my boyfriend said it was the best scent for a woman. If anything smells oaky, fruity, calm, oceany, or whathaveyou, I know not of these things.

When I’m traveling, gymming, or spending a day in the unscentisfactory wilds, I pack a travel-sized bottle of Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy or a rollerball of Juicy Couture Original which is about as big as a tube of chapstick. The former I liked when it came free with something I bought during the Semi-Annual Clearance Sale and the latter I selected for its size, but consequently fell in love with the scent. Perfumes worn by my roommates which I have co-opted and worn myself include Fresh Sake and Mademoiselle by Chanel.

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Jess:

Senior Editor

I’ve been using the same formula since late high school to make myself smell good….. CK One + Gap Body Dream. For some reason these two scents are a bit too strong for me when used individually, but when I spray one of each on my wrists and rub them together = magic. That’s my staple, but I also dip into Angel and Burberry Brit on occasion. Don’t mix those together!

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Alex Vega

Design Director

I wear Gwen Stefani’s fragrance called “LAMB” because my mom bought it for me for Christmas one year. I just kept buying it after that because I feel like it’s an androgynous scent, or at least less “flowery” than others geared towards the ladies. Also, it comes in a cool square bottle so I dig the packaging/product design on it!

Feature graphic image from wild umbrella. Special thanks to Fit for a Femme for letting us republish M. & G.’s responses from her fantastic post on this topic.

How to Not Dress For Success: Top Ten Fashions For Being Alone in Your Apartment

[This post was inspired by the success of the “Top Ten Sweatpants” post. Obvs.]

SO. It seems like a lot of you are familiar with “the feeling of is the sun setting already, I haven’t even been outside yet” or “the feeling of being all undressed up with nowhere to go,” and therefore could probably use additional fashion tips from me. I am the queen of all undressed up.

I’ve been rolling out of bed, walking across the room and turning on my Macbook every morning since mid-2007, when my then-girlfriend had a psychotic break and I had to quit my job and consequently I became a temporary agoraphobe and started working freelance from home. So now, in lieu of structuring my days in a traditional way or really at all, I’ve settled into a comfortable routine in which the transition from “work” to “play”/”playing while working” is indicated primarily by a shift in sobriety and a change in outfits.

People who work “in offices” have all kinds of rules for how a person should dress for success — rules which involve blazers, uncomfortable shoes, ties, pressed pants and other concepts that ultimately stifle the human soul. Working from home allows you to tap in to your most authentic self — but let’s not confuse that with “being lazy, apathetic and generally aimless/hopeless about life.”

One quickie before we begin: I do advise — and I’m being serious! — that if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like to be seen without your pants on/makeup on/hair done, that you should do those things first thing in the AM, just like if you were going to work. Otherwise the prospect of answering the door, video-chatting, or running an errand will seem gradually more and more insurmountable, as “put pants/eyeliner on” is another overwhelming step strengthening inertia’s deadly grip.  Putting on pants also helps your mind register the transition between “play” (the underpants you slept in and a ratty t-shirt) and “work” (clean sweatpants, a hole-free t-shirt) and enables you to take yourself more seriously. Because GIRL YOU ARE SERIOUS. BEING UNEMPLOYED AND/OR WORKING FROM HOME IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. And just because we don’t have to iron our pants doesn’t mean we can’t have our own share of the market! We are the future of America, everybody.

Basically, I’ve been at this for a while, and I pretty much look like shit. But G-ddamn am I comfortable, and you should be too.

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Top Ten Stay-At-Home Fashions

1. Hoodies

Hoodies are like the Swiss Army Knife of torso-wear, because they’re a hoodie AND a spring jacket AND a hat (the hood). Ideally during the day you should put on and remove your hoodie several times as the temperature changes in your room, based mostly on what drugs you’re on and if the air conditioner/space heater is working.

You need AT LEAST 2-3 hoodies. It’s good to have either a black or navy blue hoodie, a grey hoodie, and a color that looks good with all the t-shirt colors you wear most often.

Let’s be honest — nobody does a hoodie like American Apparel. This is unfortunate, because Dov Charney is an ass.

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2. Basic T-Shirts

A three-pack of Hanes V-Neck T-shirts is like $15. Plus, white is such a “clean” color that wearing it is almost like dressing up, and when you spill coffee on it you can say “well, at least it only cost six bucks.”

I enjoy American Apparel v-neck t-shirts. However they are obnoxiously overpriced. So either you find someone to get you a bunch of them, which’s what I did, or you get off your ass and product test some fucking juice or babysit someone’s kid or something and then buy yourself a t-shirt. They’re cheapest on Amazon, IDK why.

Also stock up on wifebeaters. You can never have too many wifebeaters. See, look how happy she is:

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3. Gigantic Sunglasses

When you’re spending 75% of your day in various stages of “recline,” it’s important that you don’t lose your sense of importance. I am totally averse to celebrity magazines ’cause I don’t care who anyone is dating, but I do enjoy flipping through them at the nail salon for fashion tips.

Celebrities are special in that people want to photograph them in their sweatpants with no makeup on. When you’re just a regular person, people want you to put on real pants and makeup before they’ll take your picture. So in this way celebrities are actually our only guides to Hangover-Wear.

And they all wear gigantic sunglasses. The bigger the lenses, the bigger the hangover.

To comfort myself about my overall failures in life, I like to really get into character, trudging up to Starbucks in my giant sunglasses thinking to myself “G-d I wish Mary-Kate would stop being so mean to me” or “I can’t believe Kevin thinks HE deserves full custody of Jayden!” You know?

Get some cheapies at Alloy, these stylish Aviators from Steve Madden, or make like the famous people do and spend $325 on Oliver Peeples Sunglasses that you’ll probably accidentally leave at Applebees.

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4. Actual Glasses

I also recommend ACTUAL GLASSES, like these clear-lens geeky glasses from ASOS. I was always envious of my near/farsighted friends in college b/c all they had to do was put their hair in a ponytail and put on glasses instead of contacts to indicate “I am so busy and frantic today that I didn’t even have time to put in my contacts!” which is exactly what you want people to think when you slept through your alarm.

I now have actual glasses because staring at this screen and reading books in the dark for 28 years finally caught up to me.

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5. Fuzzy Boots / Flip-Flops / Slippers

You might think that if you’re inside all day, footwear is not important or even necessary. WRONG. See above w/r/t leaving open the possibility of leaving the house, and also, your kitchen floor is colder than you think it is. You will realize this when you leave your room to go make toast, and realize I am right. When you first look at these boots (below) you might think, “ugh so ugly!” But actually, they’re the best boots of all time, I own them, and I wish Puma hadn’t discontinued them. However, I believe there’s a number in China you could call.

“Is it ever okay to wear Uggs?” you might ask yourself. YES OF COURSE IT IS. Uggs are PERFECT for your lifestyle, except they cost a lot. Less expensive options include these Roxy Glee Booties or these Minnetonka (As LA Gear is to Reebok, so Minnetonka is to Uggs).

I don’t like flip-flops but I understand why they’re a hit amongst people without very sensitive between-the-toes-skin.

The key here for slippers, flip-flops or booties is that there are no ties/buckles involved, requiring only minimal commitment to shifting activities from outdoors to indoors while emanating an aura of effortlessness.

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6. Baggy Jeans + Adult Jeans

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Pair #1: Baggy & holey.

You should be able to pull these jeans down without unbuttoning the waist. Secretly I actually find nothing more adorable/sexy than a girl in baggy-ass jeans. These jeans will be so cozy, they will almost feel like pajama pants. If your parents were hippies, they probably have some in the attic, or you can go to a thrift store or Old Navy or the mens section.

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Pair #2: Dark & Tight.

Keep these on-hand for an impromptu special occasion like going to Whole Foods, picking up your child from a rich person’s house or going to the gas station right next to your old high school.

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7.  Multiple Pairs of Sweatpants/Leisure Pants & Leggings

We go into detail about sweatpants in top ten sweatpants. But it’s hard to say too much about sweatpants. You will need at least:

+ One (1) pair of comfortable/warm sweatpants

Ideally in a dark color so they can double as a napkin.

+ One (1) pair of “Surprisingly Sexy” leggings or yoga pants.

What happens if you’re at home editing a video and your girlfriend suddenly shows up at the door? Yes, she claims to love you unconditionally, etc., says you look cutest with no makeup on just like Drake, but what’s the harm in pre-packaging your butt in loungewear that appears both lazy/accidental and SECRETLY HOT.

+ 3-4 additional pairs of your choosing

Underwear Tip: if you wear tight, thin boyshorts that cover your entire ass, then you won’t have to change underpants when switching from leggings to gym shorts to jeans to bed!

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9. Sneakers, Gym Shorts & a Sports Bra

My number one piece of advice for stay-at-home people is to leave your home. Specifically, I want you to go to the gym. Not because I think you need to lose weight (I don’t) but because working out is really the only thing in the world guaranteed to make you feel better about yourself afterward without any negative feelings, consequences or complications tacked onto it. Also, when people make snide remarks about you staying at home all day, you can say “I go to the gym every day,” and then they’ll feel like an asshole because they don’t go to the gym and you are therefore a supreme being. If you can’t afford a gym, we totally get that and recommend walking down to Dunkin Donuts every day instead, or going for a run just when you know the cute barista at the place down the street will be leaving work and unlocking her bike. She will be impressed by your athleticism.

All you need are some cheap shorts, the wifebeaters I already told you about, a sports bra, and some sneakers.

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10. Legwarmers

I prefer stirrup legwarmers (these Stretchy Oversized Boucle Stirrup Leg Warmers look warm) worn by actual dancers because they stay put, but you can find more stylin’ styles if you venture out of stirrup-territory. I can’t tell you why these are so important, but they are. And if it’s really hot out, you can wear them with boyshorts and it’s practically an outfit and perfect for housecleaning.It’s like being on FAME! 24/7.

What’s Good At Walgreens

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I’ve recently had a revelation that everything I’ve ever bought at Rite-Aid/Walgreens/CVS/Duane Reade SUCKS and has failed to live up to its ambitious promises. (Except for cashews, ibuprofen, tampons and BioSilk.)

I estimate I’ve wasted at least a billion dollars in my life so far — SO FAR! — chasing impossible dreams of shiny hair, itch relief and clear sinuses. I may be a radical lesbian socialist feminist, but apparently that hasn’t stopped me from developing a traditionally consumerist/capitalist destructive/abusive relationship with the drugstore.

I felt like I was on a roll this year with anti-establishment ethos because last year I practically effortlessly killed my #1 Destructive Relationship With Consumerism: Reading what we refer to as “Women’s Magazines” (e.g., Glamour and Marie Claire).

See, as a “magazine person,” I read like 20 mags/month, and the Lady-Mags were enjoyable enough although I suspected they were brainwashing me into feeling I needed shinier hair. But last year those mags just got BORING.  Oh look, here’s an article about stuff I could buy if I had money but I don’t and if I did shouldn’t we be spending our money on arts education for public school students instead of on our eyelashes? Also airbrushing is boring the FUCK out of me, who said it was a good idea to make everyone look EXACTLY THE SAME. This isn’t complicated, America.

Anyhow, I don’t like those anymore and lest I revel in my enlightenment for one additional minute, I realize a far bigger problem has been lurking in the darkness all this time. It is Walgreens.

I’m sure you’re at the edge of your beanbag chair with anticipation about what brought me to this major life revelation which I hope some of you can relate to. It began on Friday night, when I dyed my hair orange.

This happens to me constantly, I’m an idiot, the little plastic castle is a surprise every time. So on Saturday I visited some cheap hair salon to get it fixed. Four hours later, my hair looked FANTASTIC but my scalp was ON FIRE.

That’s what happens when you bleach your own hair and then let somebody slather dye on to your scalp 24 hours later.

“I need a like, treatment, like a conditioner thingie to soothe my scalp,” I tell my friendly companion.

“Like what?”

“Some kind of leave-in treatment or something. Can we just go to Walgreens and see what they have?”

And indeed, LIKE ANY GOOD AMERICAN I went DIRECTLY TO WALGREENS.

I’ve spent ten minutes staring blankly at the aisles and itching my head when my companion inquires if there’s something specific I’m trying to find, and if so, where might she assist me in locating it. When she asks me this, I’m standing dumbly in the African-American hair section, investigating oils. I’m trying to find something I haven’t already tried during previous times of crisis and thinking WHICH OF THESE OVERPRICED, SEDUCTIVELY PACKAGED AND ULTIMATELY COMPLETELY! FUCKING! USELESS PRODUCTS CAN I SPEND MY NON-EXISTENT MONEY ON TODAY? I HAVEN’T TRIED AVOCADOS!

Now, I’ve dealt with this exact scalp problem before. I’ve read 56 Yahoo! Answers, several Web MD articles, seven specialized message board threads and googled variations on ‘hair dye scalp itch’ until my fingers bled. So I get very uppity when my expertise on any number of minor ailments and their various remedies is questioned.

“What about this T-Gel stuff? It says ‘for moderate to severe–”

“Nope, that never works, tried it.”

“Tea tree oil?”

“Nope nope made it worse.”

“This Nioxin thing says it’ll treat –”

“That’s not true, that package is a bottle of lies!”

“Maybe we should go somewhere else–”

“No! Something here will fix me. Something will fix me I JUST HAVE TO FIND IT.”

My friend then departs in search of a salesperson’s assistance, which is both adorable and something I would never do. She’s Canadian and therefore probs unaware that here in America, our drugstore clerks are usually on drugs and know nothing about the store.

I’m staring at conditioning treatments when she returns to say they’re out of hair oil and to provide another bevy of suggestions for me to shoot down.

This is when it begins to dawn on me.

At this point in my years of consumption, selecting products at the drugstore isn’t about selecting a logical solution. It’s doing the mental arithmetic of which products have already failed me and which have yet to fail me and promptly purchasing the latter.

Something is not right here. After buying three things from Forever 21 that fell apart after the first wash, I stopped shopping there. Yet here I was in Walgreens.

I ask my friend if the stuff she buys at the drugstore works.

“All I really buy here is Old Spice,” she says, shrugging. “The only requirement is that it smells good.”

I pat her on the head. “Sigh, you’re such a simple boy.”

“And toothbrushes. Those are hard to fuck up.”

“You’d be surprised.”

Why does my reach so often exceed my grasp? Is it because ads and TV commercials are constantly telling us something better is out there and training our friends to offer product suggestions when an illness or problem of some kind is brought up?

Yup — the next thing could be THE THING. Buttttt it’s also likely that it won’t be!

Me: I have decided that Walgreens is robbing me. No over-the-counter medicine ever works. No hair product. You know what worked better for pimples than Oxy? NOTHING.
Laneia: That is true yes.
Me: Doing absolutely NOTHING made the pimple go away faster.
Laneia: I read a hippie book and there was a part about how when you focus on something that’s negative, it stays. So like, when you’re constantly trying to get rid of a zit, it will stay, b/c you won’t let it go mentally.
Me: Why do we buy the lies?
Laneia: Because it’s instant gratification I think. It feels like improvement in the aisle before you even pay for it. Like — THIS will make something better so you’ll have the space to think of something else so YES you will buy it!
Me: I can’t believe it took 28 years for me to figure this out
Laneia: Well also –we’re programmed, you and I, to try to find solutions because of insurance and our lack of it / lack of good insurance
Me: Exactly. If I had a real doctor I could just call? I can’t even imagine.
Laneia: I remember having a place right down the road. And you just go. Like Riese, you just go.
Me: Yeah I had a “family physician.”
Laneia: You just block off like an hour, and you’re good.
Me: There was a “well child” side and a “sick child” side.
Laneia: I’m jealous of my own children because of their health care.

And what happens when a product doesn’t work or makes things worse? We buy another product, or we go to the professional we would’ve probably visited the first time if we had health insurance/time. Back in the heyday of my youth I recall never seeking an over-the-counter solution to ANYTHING. In college, I’d just go straight to the health clinic every time I had a problem and get it fucking FIXED. (However, my relationship to “beauty” products has pretty much been an issue all my life.)

Am I a superhuman particularly resistant to anything that doesn’t come from the earth or a doctor’s office? Maybe. I never get colds or flus or fevers, I never take antibiotics unless it’s a LAST RESORT — to some degree, I’ve trained my immune system to not get scared of the natural world or copious amounts of recreational drugs & alcohol. But it remains very scared of processed chemicals.

Is trial & error ever actually worth it?

I have assembled, with the help of other dissatisfied customers, a list of shit that doesn’t work. Yeah, the research was done on a sample size of “1” person (not always the same person, though!) But whatever, this isn’t the Mayo Clinic. Let us know in the comments what works / doesn’t work for you!

SHIT THAT DON’T WORK

1. Secret Platinum Protection (no better than regular Secret)
2. Tend-Skin Razor Burn Treatment
3. Mitchum (claims you can “skip a day” due to its strength, this is false)
4. Frizz-Ease Curl‑Boosting Mousse
5. Clear Eyes Drops
6. Any “volumizing” hair brush
7. Any “nail strenghtening polish remover”
8. L’Oreal Paris “Out of Bed” Texturizer
9. Monistat 1-Day/3-day/7-day
10. Any over-the-counter acne spot treatment
11. Tylenol Cold & Sinus
12. Cloraseptic (“you can’t get it on the spot that’s sore unless it’s on the tippy-top of your mouth”)
13. “Spray self-tanner, that shit says two shades darker and it’s NOT.”
14. Advil for Arthritis
15. Dermarest Eczema Medicated Lotion
16. Icy-Hot
17. Anbesol
18. Bayer Back & Body Ache
19. Certain Dri (“gave me a rash, did not stop the sweating”)
20. Sominex
21. Affrin Nasal Spray (“made me addicted to affrin”)
20. Herbal Essences Hairspray (“That hairspray SUCKS. HARD.”)
21. Feria Hair Colour (this one landed me in the hospital, actually)
22. Midol (“makes me jittery”)
23. All Whitening Toothpastes
24. Neutrogena Build-a-Tan
25. Nads
26. Orajel
27. Sally Hansen Insta-Dri Chip-Free Top Coat
28. Any “long-lasting” lip color
29. Anything by Wet ‘n Wild

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SHIT FROM THE DRUGSTORE THAT DOES WORK, according to Riese

1. Ibuprofen
2. For radiant! skin!:  Aveeno Clear Complexion Foaming Cleanser & Aveeno Positively Radiant Daily Moisturizer.
3. For Shane/Allison-in-The-Breakfast Club eyes: CoverGirl Eyeliner Perfect Blend Pencil Black/Brown. (Also put concealer on your top eyelid and use the eyeliner as inefficient eye shadow for long-lasting smoky flavor)
4. For Silky Hair: Biosilk Silk Therapy
5. For Razor Burn: Bikini Zone Medicated Creme (you know) & Nivea for Men Sensitive After Shave Balm (legs)
6. To avoid razor burn altogether: Nivea for Men Shaving Gel, Sensitive
7. Studio 35 Nail Polish Remover
8. For long-lasting manicures: OPI Black Onyx
9. To prevent or protect blisters: Moleskin.
10. Toilet Paper

SHIT FROM THE DRUGSTORE THAT DOES WORK, according to Laneia:

1. Garnier Fructis Triple Nutrition Extra Nourishing Shampoo and Conditioner.
2. Noxzema (Riese also likes Noxzema)
3. Blistex DCT
4. Eucerine original cream
5. Aveeno positively nourishing smoothing body wash (pomegranate and rice)
6. Sally Hansen Insta-Dry in Cinnasnap
7. Unisom sleepgels

SO what happened to my head? I got some dumb products, per ushe. The Benadryl Itch Cream gave me a rash on my neck. The “deep treatment” conditioner had no impact, but I’ll def still use it. The baby oil made my hair oily.

Basically, after 29 years on earth, this experience finally convinced me that we’re all pawns in a massive government / corporate conspiracy wherin Johnson & Johnson sells us a product that fucks us with one hand and a product that allegedly fixes it on the other. So the best bet is to do away with chemicals altogether.

What fixed my poor head?

Time.

And switching to chemical-free all-natural shampoo/conditioner.

Here’s what sucks: drugstore shit is cheaper than organic shit. But sometimes it’s better to just get the massage straight away instead of wasting money on the Icy-Hot and Asprin.

So at this point — in my TOTALLY UNEDUCATED OPINION — any problem you have, whether it be “limp, lifeless hair” or “shooting pains in your uterus,” is best solved using:

1) Home or natural remedy

2) Stop using chemicals on things, cut out refined sugar

3) Nothing, just wait (this is what I usually do as I’m paradoxically convinced that most physical illness is actually mental/emotional)

4) Obtaining services and/or prescriptions or other professionally distributed products from a professional like a doctor or dentist or hairstylist or makeup artist

Anyone wanna talk about shit that works? Go to town OPEN THREAD.

Top Ten Sweatpants

Every year you want sweatpants for the holidays and nobody ever believes you because it’s like asking for socks or something right. That’s totally bullshit, sweatpants have officially become second to “no-pants” in the battle of The Best Pants to Wear For The Day. You know how they say bloggers work from home in their pajama pants? That’s not true, we work from home in our sweatpants. We don’t have pajama pants. We sleep naked. Anyhow.

Today I’m going to tell you the Top Ten Sweatpants according to me (except for one of them which is according to Senior Editor Rachel and two others which are according to Executive Editor Laneia). Because I’m only one girl, I encourage the rest of you to share your sweatpant recommendations in the comments, because we are all special snowflakes with different needs.

Top Ten Sweatpants

[not really in any particular order]

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1. Uni Sweatpants

Senior Editor Rachel loves her Sweatpants from Brandeis – which she says are either $29.98 or “something like 87 dollars.” Rachel graduated college in June and has probably forgotten about math, I think.

Rachel says: “The best sweatpants I own are ones I bought from my university bookstore. I was angry that they were like $87 or something but then I put them on and was like oh shit, these are the best sweatpants. They’re really thick and have pockets and also the band is really tight so they don’t sag. I also wanna share that sweatpants are like ALL I ASKED FOR this Christmas, but apparently no one thought I was serious because no one got me any.”

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2. Basic Champion/Hanes/Fruit of the Loom Sweatpants

These Champion sweatpants are not cute. Your butt will not be featured or showcased in any way. But they are warm, and they have pockets and they are SO SO CHEAP and especially good for laundry day (espesh if you’ve got quarters/keys to lug around)!  You can find similar styles peddled by Hanes and Fruit of the Loom. We recommend slaughtering the legholes at the bottom b/c the elastic thingie around your ankles is oppressive, like the patriarchy.

If you want basically the same cut but softer, in better colors, and way more expensive, try American Apparel’s Flex Fleece Sweatpants.

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3. “Lounge” Pants

Lounge Pants are just for ladies. You can wear these anywhere anytime. They feel like pajama pants, but they don’t have plaid or stripes, so you can wear them to the grocery store and people will think you just left the gym when really you just got out of a Buffy Marathon Coma and plan on returning to it asap.

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4. Hard Tail Yoga Pants

Once upon a time I went to the University of Michigan and befriended many girls from the New York Tristate Area who sported very expensive clothing/accessories. Although they were wrong about most of their fashion choices being “worth it,” they were totally right about Hard Tail yoga pants, they are THE BEST.

I have worn my ~4 pairs of Hard Tail pants literally EVERY SINGLE DAY, or at least every-other-day, since 2002.

I KNOW THEY’RE EXPENSIVE but Hard Tail Roll Down Yoga Pants last forever and make everybody’s butt look cute. Even better are the Hard Tail Roll Down Bootleg Flare Pants because they are made out of thicker material so they last EVEN longer and are less HERE’S MY JUNK, etc.

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5. Status Sweatpants

e.g., Abercrombie, Hollister, Juicy

Your Abercrombie/Hollister sweatpants scream “I have money for sweatpants!” But everyone knows you weren’t on the Abercrombie Hockey Team. Don’t front.

(Sidenote: As a 5’10 human, I’ve found Abercrombie sweatpants ideal ’cause they’ve got a 36 inch inseam. Hollister however is for adolescent girls and people who only eat lettuce and mustard. American Eagle has cute stuff but runs too short for me.)

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6. Lesbian Status Sweatpants

Once upon a time someone bought me a pair of Free City sweatpants. They feel like heavenly clouds are embracing your thighs, but baggier. When I become v.rich/successful, I feel like Free City is the only “expensive” brand I’d ever patronize. I mean, also it’s an independent lesbian-owned business with super-ethical/green/community-oriented feelings.

However about a month ago, I turned on my closet light (a desk lamp in my closet), not realizing it was aimed directly at a stack of sweatpants, and I left it on for too long so it burned a hole in “FREE” and I almost cried.

These suckers are expensive, for example these cost $150, but your purchase will ensure Leisha Hailey has enough to eat.

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7. Grandpa-Style Pajama Pants / Sheet Pants

Exec Editor Laneia says: “These are sometimes referred to as ‘like hospital scrubs’ or, as I call them, ‘sheet pants,’ because they’re not jersey or flannel and they feel like bedsheets. You’ve got a drawstring elastic waist, straight roomy legs and if you’re the luckiest person on earth, pockets. These pants let the everyone know that your legs need to breathe and you are not cold. When you buy them from aerie or Old Navy in the spring / summer, you will enjoy the low-rise cut and the cute patterns and fuck if I don’t love a cute pattern.”

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8.  The Red Sweatpants

My BFF, rising star Haviland Stillwell, had this pair of Russell Athletics dark red sweatpants she always wore when she was in a state. She cut off the bottoms and there were slits on each side. This one night, I slept over at Haviland’s for the first time (mhm) and then the next morning when I missed my flight to New Orleans she let me borrow the pants. Eventually she gifted me the pants.

Basically, these are magic pants best suited to a mental breakdown. I can’t tell you where to buy them, I just wanted you to know.

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9. American Apparel Leggings

WHEN I WEAR MY AMERICAN APPAREL LEGGINGS I WANNA GET PHYSICAL, PHYSICAL/ I’M WEARING THEM RIGHT NOW also we think that leggings are the most HONEST KIND OF PANT.

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10. Threads for Thought Roll-Top Leggings

Exec Editor Laneia says: Rolling the top down on your Thread for Thought pants instantly makes them customized to you and your life and your body. Do you want the waistband of your pants to hit you mid-ass? Do it. Roll that shit down. Not feeling it today? Wanna pull ’em all the way up under your boobs? FUCKING GO FOR IT I’M NOT HERE TO JUDGE THESE ARE YOUR PANTS.

Also hi hello, leggings are another way of fucking the patriarchy, because by wearing leggings, we’re highlighting yet another part of our body that/which we’re taught should look a certain way before we highlight it. Leggings are your way of saying “this is what my legs look like DEAL WITH IT.” The cutest girl in leggings isn’t the skinniest one or the tallest one or the one who goes to the gym the most, it’s the one with the smile on her face and the world in her heart.

Autostraddle’s Ultimate Holiday Gift Guide 2010: What Your Girlfriend Or Otherwise-Inclined Pal Wants

Happy holidays and good tidings to you! What is a tiding? Oh, it’s “a piece of information or news.” GOOD NEWS TO YOU. Are you prepared to spend money you really don’t have on things people really don’t need in the silent hopes of receiving something awesome that you also don’t need and aren’t going to buy for yourself? I hope so because guess what time it is….

Holiday Gift Guide time! In which we, the staff of Autostraddle, share our innermost hopes and desires via wish list, just like last year. This will probably give you some really great gift ideas of your own, so, you’re welcome. Let the unabashed consumerism begin!

(Sidenote: if you order via these links, a portion of your purchase goes to support our ongoing existence.)

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Executive Editor Laneia:

Happy holidays and good tidings to you! What is a tiding? Oh, it’s “a piece of information or news.” GOOD NEWS TO YOU. Are you prepared to spend money you really don’t have on things people really don’t need in the silent hopes of receiving something awesome that you also don’t need and aren’t going to buy for yourself? I hope so because guess what time it is….

Holiday Gift Guide time! In which we, the staff of Autostraddle, share our innermost hopes and desires via wish list, just like last year. This will probably give you some really great gift ideas of your own, so, you’re welcome. Let the unabashed consumerism begin!

(Sidenote: if you order via these links, a portion of your purchase goes to support our ongoing existence.)

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Executive Editor Laneia:

Tea, Totes, Nature & Fast Veganism

Loose tea is sooo much better than packaged tea in bags. Just thinking about it makes me feel superior to bagged tea drinkers. I think I’d feel even more distinguished and important if I could brew my loose tea leaves in this Bodum Kenya Tea Press. Damn. That’s fucking fancy.

I’ve wanted a foldover bag for what feels like forever but has probably only been about a year. This Lucky Brand Abbey Road Leather Foldover Tote in ‘vibrant orchid’ is more or less perfect, I think.

Apparently this book is a French classic, but of course I hadn’t heard of it until last week because that’s how I roll. Nature Stories by Jules Renard (illustrated by Pierre Bonnard & translated by Douglas Parmee) is full of poetry, short stories and ink blot illustrations (!) dealing with nature, of course, and our relationship with it. There’s a snail on the cover. I mean, I’m pretty much sold.

I’m currently experiencing an aversion to eating animals and I need some inspiration re: recipes. Appetite for Reduction: 125 Fast and Filling Low-Fat Vegan Recipes is appealing based strictly on the word ‘fast’ in the title. Usually by the time I get around to preparing something to eat, I’m already so hungry that I’m close to passing out. The fact that the recipes will also be low-fat is unimportant, but intriguing nonetheless. Isa Chandra Moskowitz seems to be a Big Deal in the vegan world (see: Rachel’s picks), so that’s exciting.

Also clearly I want what everybody wants this holiday season, which is an Autostraddle Calendar. I’d like to turn it to April and just leave it up all year.

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Senior Editor Rachel:

Cooking, Cook Books and a Date Book

First of all, American Apparel Hoodie. What. I am what I am, ok?

If I had my way, I would eat brunch every meal of the day. One step at a time, with cookbooks like Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s Vegan Brunch: Homestyle Recipes Worth Waking Up For, I’m getting closer to living that dream. Other things you may find relevant to your interests: The Complete Guide to Vegan Food Substitutions! Be still, my beating stomach.

Keri Smith’s The Non-Planner Datebook: Maybe it’s pure fantasy to think that this Non-Planner Datebook will change the way I live my life, but then again I think that shared fantasy is the only reason anyone buys a datebook, so why not go for the gold. Also, it’s cute! Look how cute this is! You didn’t think books could be this cute, did you?

In the movie version of my life, I am something like a cross between Ina Garten and Tank Girl. I also have a lot more money. In this version, I have a beautiful kitchen where I keep beautiful jars of sugar and flour and such on my vast countertop, so that they are within easy reach when a professional TV crew films me making myself lunch. Also, it’s annoying to have to walk into the pantry every time I need sugar. Look how pretty this Oggi White Canister Sets!

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Writer Carolyn:

Hard Drives & Other Essentials
I drop things all the time. Sometimes these things include my computer, which is why I’m paranoid about backing up. But sometimes it can be a huge pain, especially if you drop your external hard drive on the floor while trying to fit it into a suitcase, then plug it in later only to have it ignite and make your entire house smell like burnt plastic (yes, this actually happened). Not only is the LaCie Rugged All-Terrain External Hard Drive huge, it has a friendly orange shock-absorbent aesthetic that makes me think it will be hard for me to break.

I’m an English lit nerd, but for some reason I haven’t read The White Album: Essays in non-excerpted form yet and I want to. The publisher says this:

“First published in 1979, The White Album records indelibly the upheavals and aftermaths of the 1960s. Examining key events, figures, and trends of the era—including Charles Manson, the Black Panthers, and the shopping mall—through the lens of her own spiritual confusion, Joan Didion helped to define mass culture as we now understand it. Written with a commanding sureness of tone and linguistic precision, The White Album is a central text of American reportage and a classic of American autobiography.”

My current backpack is held together in places by cleverly concealed duct tape and super glue and, considering it is my laptop bag, suitcase, and grocery cart, that’s becoming a problem. This High Sierra Access Backpack is duct tape free and looks like it could do all of those things at once.

Bigelow Green Tea isn’t organic or special in any way except that it is delicious, especially if you are into tea to the point where you drink it every day, but not to the point where you want to bother with loose tea leaves or the word “organic” or anything else fancy, which is me exactly.

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Associate Editor Sarah

Infinity Scarves & Modern Family Obviously

I’m really excited about Steve Martin‘s new book, An Object of Beauty. I didn’t realize he was all up in the New York art scene, but apparently it’s true. He wrote An Object of Beauty: A Novel based on a bunch of his observations about the art world. I can’t wait until I emerge from my study cave after finals so I can read this! I think it’s gonna be one of those books that simultaneously is really pretentious and really entertaining. Also, one time I saw him at Bonnaroo. He was wearing a white suit.

I realize that I am like two years late to the infinity scarf party. But now I live in a place where winter is no joke, so I’ve been thinking much more seriously about my cold-weather accessories. And this Chain Circle Loop Eternity Scarf is so pretty!

I don’t care who you are, you need the complete first season of Modern Family on DVD. I’m serious. Just buy it.

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Music Editor Crystal

F-cking Rock & Roll
I can’t think of a better way to spend the holidays than watching Kristen Stewart making out with cute girls or strutting around on stage in leathers, straddling a Melody Maker in The Runaways. Also, Laneia said that the DVD commentary is “The Fucking Best Thing I’ve Ever Heard,” which is pretty serious.

Over the past few days I’ve become strangely obsessed with this idea that Jack Kerouac’s On the Road would be brilliant in audiobook format. One of my friends will likely buy this for me so that I’ll shut up about it.

Keith Richards left an impression on me when he said, “Everyone talks about rock these days; the problem is they forget about the roll.” His new autobiography, Life, will no doubt provide me with many more quotable words of wisdom, and quite possibly also the secret to immortality.

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Intern Hot Laura:

Stylish College Survival

A one-year subscription to Bon Appetit would serve many purposes in my life. a) Mail to look forward to at the beginning of every month b) Something to read that isn’t for homework or on the Internet c) Food porn d) Something to cut up when I need to make projects for school because PowerPoints are for boring people business majors.

Giving someone an Electric Kettle is like giving them the gift of health. The amount of tea that ones drinks is inversely proportional to the amount of colds one catches in the winter which means I will be the picture of health and lazyness with my new easy brewing machine. If you are a friend or family member concerned about my health, you could also get me a cordless drill, as my wrists on well on their way to carpal tunnel from all the screwing* I do.

I know Converses are the co-official shoes of lesbians (the others being white sneakers), but I really think it’s time for me to move on to something new. Something that can offer me more support, make my happy and keep my ankles warm. I just don’t understand why the Nike Women’s Blazers that I like are $15 more just for being a different color. I guess that what’s you get when you buy from the man.

*Like screwing nails into walls, guys.

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Style Editor Becky:

Stories, The Dance, Shoes & more…
So, I don’t really know how to make coffee. I had always been a heavy yerba mate drinker but then my mom got a Keurig Mini Brewer.

They’re awesome because they require little to no mental work on my part and the variety of little cups can make me feel like I’m making important early morning decisions that won’t actually have any negative repercussions.

Also, coffee needs to be served at least once a month with some churros. I think it’s good luck or something. Here’s a handy churro maker.

We watched this charming coming-of-age story, Duck Season ( Temporada de patos ), in one of my film classes not too long ago. Given my affinity for coming of age stories (some other favorites: Valentin, El Viaje de Carol, and Noi), I’d really like to add this one to my collection. Also, Flama and Moko are absolutely adorable.

I’m going to be doing a lot of dancing in the coming months, and in preparation for my thesis film, a lot of research pertaining to Orisha dancing. Dance literature, like Making Caribbean Dance: Continuity and Creativity in Island Cultures is always interesting, and Cuban/Santerian everything (especially the music) makes my heart melt.

Sebago makes some damn nice shoes. I would take these Oxfords in a heartbeat if they came in my size, but these Ankle Boots and these Loafers are also very nice. I need some new dressy casual shoes and these would more than handsomely fit the bill.

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Tech Editor Taylor:

Major Geekery
I tried to get rid of all my things in 2009, but as it turns out, I want things again. Who knew? So here we go. Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood, but looks absurdly cool. I can’t wait to terrorize rooftops as the super creepy doctor character. You know the one.

I don’t need a Kinect by any means, but by god it’s the holiday and this is my wishlist and I want one because it’s shiny and superfluous which is 100% of what I require in a gift. I can’t dance to save my life, but Dance Central could teach me the moves to win the ladies. All the ladies. And I could do it alone where no one could see, assuming I locked my girlfriend out of the living room or barricaded her in a closet or something.

And yeah, while we’re getting superfluous, I love Android and the bigger the Android, the better. How sexy is the Samsung Galaxy Tab? It’s big, shiny and full of virtual stuff, like the internet. You could like, go online on that thing.

Our universe is so fucking cool, I wish I was an astrophysicist but that sounds really hard. And I still haven’t read Cosmos, the Carl Sagan classic, but I intend to when I’m smarter. Next best thing: Cosmos: Carl Sagan (7 DVD Set).

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Intern Emily:

Lesbians Love Their AA Hoodies/Poetry
For the holiday season I would really like it if someone bought me Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi. Riese said it was good and also I love auto/biographies.

I would also like The Complete Poems of e.e cummings. EVERYBODY NEEDS MORE (good) POETRY IN THEIR LIVES. e.e cummings is one of my favourites. The end.

I also want this American Apparel Salt and Pepper Hoodie, xs, in “zinc”. You cannot deny the appeal of this hoodie.

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Music Writer Lindsay:

So Much Misc.
It’s tough to make a living as a music writer right now, but lots of people are sure as hell trying, and quite a few of them are doing it beautifully. This year’s edition of Da Capo’s Best Music Writing includes pieces from everywhere and about everything, from Ozomatli‘s trip to Burma to the Bob Dylan Christmas album to a track review of “Empire State of Mind.” And the field of writers represented is pretty impressive, too, from the towering greats from the world of print like Robert Christgau and essayist Mary Gaitskill (whose piece in the anthology is titled ‘Lady Gaga in Hell’) to the new, web-centric faces of music criticism like Idolator’s Maura Johnston, Pitchfork Media/Vulture’s Nitsuh Abebe and Christopher Weingarten (who tweets album reviews at @1000TimesYes). Also, Autostraddle BFFAEAE Michelle Tea has a piece about The Gossip in it. As if you needed another reason.

Fred’s Port-A-Pint Folding Beer Glass is more eco-friendly than Solo cups. Classier than straight-from-the-can. Perfect for stadium smuggling.

Fred is also responsible for the Gin and Titonic Ice Cube Tray, which is probs the cutest party item that references an international tragedy ever.

I’ve been looking for a pair of low-cut boots for a while now that it’s getting to be that time of year in England where the windchill makes wearing flats pretty much impossible and my standby boots have taken a bit of a beating. I really like these Hold Em Low Boots, but haven’t had much luck finding them over here. Maybe I should try harder.

Hey, a girl can dream, right?

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Senior Editor Jess R:

Celebrities Make Good Gifts
If you were even half as fascinated by the late night drama between Leno/Conan last January as I was, you need to read The War for Late Night. Bill Carter also wrote the ’94 book chronicling the first Tonight Show bitchfight between Leno and Letterman (you probably saw the HBO movie). This time around, Carter was given unprecedented access to phone conversations, texts, emails and private meetings between NBC execs, producer and countless insiders and has a way of sharing juicy stories without painting anyone as a complete saint or sinner. I really hope Tilda Swinton plays Coco when HBO inevitably makes this movie.

It’s not nearly as complex a story as Portia’s Unbearable Lightness, which was hands down my favorite book of the year, but Me by Ricky Martin is still kinda interesting, despite the third grade reading level. Look for the story Ricky tells about meeting his first love, a radio DJ, in the early 90s.

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Fashion Blogger fit for a femme:

Cute & Quirky
Who doesn’t love a good watch? With personal technology telling us all of the things all the time these days, watches no longer feel like a practical essential, but something a little old-fashioned and queer. We can certainly afford to be a bit more modern in our approach, and Nixon does so wonderfully.

If the Nixon Metric doesn’t do it for you or your ladybird, I promise something else they make will, so take a look – they have hundreds to choose from on Amazon.

Nothing says I love you like an obscenely pricey, out of print, limited edition import that no reasonable, responsible adult would shell out for herself under normal circumstances. The Cure’s Lovesong – Lovebox would be my choice.

I love two-part presents! Luca Turin is recognized as one of, if not THE Patron Saint of Scent, and he’s written many books on the subject. Perfumes: The A-Z Guide is supposed to be deliciously clever and not a little snarky! I think it’s perfectly paired here with Fifi Chachnil, which is a great deal more coquettish and sexy than it looks. You can read my review of it here.

I am a big fan of the leather. We know this. When touched by the giddy hand of Betsy Johnson, it is a dreamy mix of tough-but-twee chic. Here I paired the Heart Of Gold Tab Wallet with the Black Ribbon Keychain Charm, because more is MORE! If you get someone a wallet, don’t forget to put a shiny new bill or two in it for good luck!

Practical has never been so sweet. We recently moved and while the path from driveway to front door has an outdoor light, there’s no light sensor. It got me thinking how thoughtful it would be if kind, capable queer hands took the time and care to buy and install one of these Solar Motion Lights wherever needed!

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Riese

Books, Bikes and Burberry Brit
Firstly, I need a motherf*cking bicycle, ’cause I don’t live in NYC anymore and I don’t have a car and these legs were only made for walking ~5 miles a day maximum. However, I know nothing about bikes so I get overwhelmed trying to pick one.  This is how I want to feel on my bike:

Secondly, I need Doris: An Anthology 1991-2001, because I like the quotes Laneia gets from it. Now that I live in (the) San Francisco (area), I should probably read Valencia by Michelle Tea (I read The Chelsea Whistle!) like everyone else already has. In related news, I ALSO haven’t read Potential: The High School Comic Chronicles of Ariel Schrag and I feel like a lot of you have.

I’ve read all the pages Google Books made available for me and now I’m ready to read the entire thing — Performing Glam Rock: Gender and Theatricality in Popular Music. In related news, I’m interested in knowing more about The Evolution of Indie Culture, Zines and the Politics of Alternative Culture and Fandom: Identities and Communities in a Mediated World.

And I asked for a bunch of books last year that nobody got for me, including Marshall McLuhan and The Cultural Resistance Reader.

I love Trivial Pursuit. I also love winning, mostly because I get bored when it’s not my turn so I like my turn to last as long as it possibly can. I feel that the Trivial Pursuit Book Lovers Edition game is the game I am most likely to win.I have a superhuman sense of smell. I probably dunk a bottle of Burberry Brit onto my body every day to ensure I set a good example for all the bad-smelling humans, animals, restaurants, street-carts, onion-eaters and garlic-eaters out there by always smelling my best (sidenote I somehow am totally fine with the smell of cigarettes, weed and alcohol, idk). I always need more: Burberry Brit by Burberry for Women. Also imperative to constantly smelling your best is the tiny Juicy Couture Love G&P Rollerball Eau de Parfum (whatever that means), which is lip-gloss sized and good to spruce up on the go.

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Intern and College Lesbianagist Lily:

Fit for a Femme For Reals
Sometimes I like to pretend that I am part of the Sedaris family. I’ve told my brother on multiple occasions that we will one day be exactly like Amy and David Sedaris except that I will be both Amy and David rolled into one awesome person and that he will sort of just be there for show. I’m sure he really appreciates my idea of our future. Until then, I’ll take David’s Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary and Amy’s Simple Times: Crafts for Poor People.

I am about to be really, really cold and I don’t own a North Face Jacket because I find them ugly and expensive. BUT they keep you so warm! So I think someone should buy one for me. My warmth is really quite important for anyone in my general vicinity—I tend to complain, loudly and frequently.

Dior DiorShow Waterproof Mascara is the best mascara in the entire world. I like to get it in waterproof because I’m a crazy emotional human being so I like to be prepared for anything that might set off my tear ducts (cute kids, a sad ad on the subway about homeless puppies, any movie about old people).

I would like one pair of Personalized Gold-Plated Bamboo Hoop Earrings that says “Lily” and one pair that says “Sexy”. That way I can interchange them depending on my mood. This would quite possibly be the most important gift that I could ever receive ever.

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Tinkerbell:

what a puppy wants, what a puppy needs
Hello Autostraddle this is Tinkerbell. This year I want to donate all of my money to Autostraddle, just like last year. However as I am a dog I cannot garner employment and funds myself. However you can. In addition to being a dog, I am oppressed. I am a victim of cisgender privilege and also aristocratic privilege, class privilege, emotional privilege and also human privilege.

Furthermore, Rachel wants a hoodie and so because of peer pressure I would also like a Hoodie. THIS IS A HOODIE FOR A DOG. Some people put babies in dog things. I don’t like that. It is cheap but don’t hurt the baby.

Also I need a new collar, the 122 Swarovski crystals jewelled Python Print Leather Dog Collar will do. It’s called “The Wild Thing,” like the movie. Riese saw that movie the day she lost her virginity. She repeats things a lot.

Sometimes, I complain about things like how I can only type little words, one eye is falling out, cisgender privilege, I used to be a purse, I’m cold, bananas remind me of vomit and Riese says ‘Don’t make me pull an Old Yeller on you.’ I imagine this is a movie about an old man who yells and then becomes a princess. I’d like to watch this film just to be sure.

Merry Hannukah Autostraddle dot com.

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In closing, it’s likely that what your girlfriend or friend or Mom actually wants is the queerest most sophisticated calendar of all time — The Autostraddle 2011 Calendar. It’s got gay holidays and straight holidays and 12 sexy lesbians. Buying one will help keep Autostraddle in business! You should buy two! Three! Do it now before we run out!

Best Headphones for the Holidays: Headphone Shopping Guide #2

A great-sounding pair of headphones are something that every girl and guy should own, but probably don’t – thereby making them the the perfect holiday gift for practically everyone you know.

Below are a few of the more impressive headphones and earphones that’ve entered into my life recently. If you don’t see something you like, also check out this extensive headphone shopping guide we created earlier this year.

V-MODA ‘Crossfade LP’ headphones

$130 – $199 on Amazon

The Crossfade LPs are the perfect gift for any girl who likes to wear her ‘phones like a fashion accessory, or probably should because that’s hot.

These are the most stylish and comfortable headphones I’ve owned to date. They’re not cheap – but they don’t look it, either; they come available in 5 slamming colors and feature braided fabric cabling, 24k gold plugs, plush foam ear cushions and steel frame. The LPs don’t fold up, however they do come with a hard travel case that’s packed with all the accessories you could ask for including a smart phone-friendly cable with built-in remote and microphone. And if you get the pearl white model like I did, they may or may not make you look or feel a little like Lindsay Lohan. Whatever that’s worth to you.

The sound quality might not live up to the expectations of a serious audiophile, but it’s very close – it’s good enough to impress the vast majority of music lovers whose music collection favors pop, dance and hip hop. Tegan & Sara also sound really good on these, don’t worry I checked.

See the full Crossfade LP range.

Urbanears ‘Medis’ Headphones

$49.99 on Amazon

The new Medis headphone range is truly like nothing I’ve ever seen before. Their brightly colored rope and plastic construction kinda make them look like a novelty or child’s toy, however the sleek packaging and decent sound quality will be enough to assure your gift recipient that these are a solid pair of mid-range headphones and not something you picked up at the Rite Aid on the way to the party.

The Medis are a compromise between over-ear and in-ear ‘phones. Their most defining feature is the ‘EarClick technology’ – a fancy name for a rubber lever that anchors the ear piece into the opening of your ear without invading your ear canal. The design takes a little while to get used to, but once you do they fit as comfortably as traditional in-ear models (or more so) and sound just as good. Also unique is the cord, which features a mic and remote for your smart phone and is constructed from matching woven fabric, a touch which appears to be hot on the headphone market right now.

These come in 12 neon colors, check out the full Urbanears range.

Wicked Audio ‘Wicked Empire’ Headphones

$17.91 – $29.99 on Amazon

My 15-year old self is ecstatic about the latest phones from Wicked Audio. They sport an obvious punk inspired design, which is fitting ’cause coincidentally (or not) they perform their best when pumping rock, punk and metal at loud volumes. Various Wicked Empire models are available, all with hardcore names like “Bones” and “Ace,” and earpieces that have been decorated with 8 balls and skulls and other symbols of teenage angst and rebellion.

The audio quality exceeded my expectations considering the retail price. They deliver a clear sound that doesn’t distort or get muggy, not even when turned up to eleven. The only potential con is that they’re designed with a traditional thin black cord that make me nervous about failure. Not the buds, though – they’re fitted with a chrome finish and rubber tip, and seem solid enough to withstand your everyday badass punk rock wear and tear.

See the full Wicked Empire range.

Sennheiser CX300 II Precision In-ear Headphones

$37.71 – $79.95 on Amazon

There is nothing sexy or fun about these headphones. They lack special features and flashy accessories, there’s no microphone or remote or other bells or whistles. Even the packaging is completely dull. However, they sound excellent. The ‘precision’ part of the title is apt, these ‘phones amplify all genres clearly and with absolutely no muffling or distortion. I think you’ll be hard pressed finding a better sounding pair of in-ear headphones in this price range.

Note: The CX300 has a traditional build that’s proven to be durable for everyday use. However, I’ve discovered that if you tread on them while walking at a confident pace then they will most definitely break. So try not to do that.

See the full range.

What headphones have impressed you lately? Share the details below, the more recommendations the better!

2010 Winter Fashion Styles For Various Shapes, Sizes, Gender Expressions

Hello ladies, and welcome to the winter fashion guide! Today you’ll be viewing things that will hopefully keep you nice and warm until you can get back indoors and de-robe with your ladyfriends in front of the fireplace or whatever it is you do. So, from the bottom(s) up, let’s do this.

Boots

Why do you need boots, you ask? Because they’re amazing. A good pair of boots can make your winter a whole lot more comfortable. Sometimes even practically. I definitely feel better walking amidst icy tree-roots when I’m wearing workboots, and since that tends to happen to me, especially in the winter, I like knowing I have a slightly better chance of not falling. Boots can also simply be pretty and warm and sleek looking, so really there is a boot for everyone, you just need to find it.

Vintage Trim Ankle Boots ($47)

(1) Mustang Gabriella Bootie ($29.95)
(2) Suedette Combat Boots ($32.80)
(3)Haute Homesteading Boot ($44.99) from ModCloth

(4) Chippewa Men’s Boot ($159.10) (comes in smaller sizes!)
(5) Qupid Neco Brown Faux Fur Boot ($49.99) This boot makes me think of viking lions in a good way. If you’re going to do “fur”, don’t settle for anything less than awesome.
(6) Bass Women’s Nikki Ankle Boot ($96.00)

OUTERWEAR

Femme

The beauty of a peacoat descends from it’s versatility. They become, in a phrase, ‘a staple to have in one’s closet’. Like the little black dress or a blue blazer, peacoats can be at once sharp and casual.

“Beautiful Peacoat” ($39.80) from Forever 21

(1) Kenneth Cole Reaction Coat ($98.99)

Steeper in cost, but offers a lot of charm. It comes in an array of colors in case charcoal isn’t your skeeze; the pearl bracelets are optional, per usual.

(2) Jacket from Alloy ($39.99)

A less expensive yet still nice. I’m a fan of the tall neck jacket–it partially eliminates the need for a scarf and has a hood.

(3) Vintage Suede Sweater Jacket ($32)

Vintage sweaters like this one from HolySmokeVintage are perfect for the winter, make good gifts, etc. I feel like there was a time when giving sweaters was an embarrassing or uncouth gift. Personally I’d be stoked if someone gave me any piece of clothing as a present. Anyway, surely you’ll have at least one facebook event asking you to wear an ugly sweater and drink eggnog (if not, you should probably organize that event), so you might as well be prepared.

If you’re looking for something more light-weight to go over all of your sweaters:

Mini For Many ($81)

The Outnet.com says they are the most fashionable fashion outlet. Now, I’m not one to be hierarchical, but this site DOES have a “dress me” application, so it can’t be too far from being true. Cover-ups like this one are good if you like layering sweaters and/or are tall. Long coats are also good for stockings and generally keeping your bum warm.

And if you have the money, feel free to step up your game even more with something like this beautiful Berizlo Coat ($205) from All-Saints.

Less Frill

(1) Oldnavy ($40) (2)  Southpole ($39.99) (3) Lands’ End ($49.50)

I think of less frill coats as the more short, rugged type. You could potentially climb a tree in all three of these without caring if they get a little worn. If you’re of smaller stature, try looking in the boys department.

There are of course nicer versions of rugged coats too. This one’s nice if you like expensive snowboarding coats:

Sessions Force Stripe Snowboard Jacket Kripto Green ($89.95)

The Steffe Jacket ($50.95) is good if you like snowboarding coats but ones that aren’t too expensive. Go over to Amazon.com– they will help you find things.

And don’t forget layering! You’re going to need warm clothes to drink hot chocolate in because coze chilling outfits are a must for optimum coze chilling, you know? Rachel B knows. She suggests a men’s grey zippered cardigan from H&M. She says they’re wonderful and I believe her.

Asos Long Sleeve Speckle Hoodie ($31.03)

This looks really warm/ like space, so I’m a fan. Perfect for layering and talking to girls about space.

Plus Size

Also if you head over to Torrid you’ll be able to get the sweet animal print overcoat you’re regretting not having purchased when we talked about them in the Fall Fashion Guide.

Faux Leopard Swing Coat ($35.96)

Also there’s this Wendy Toggle Coat ($29.99) that’s a good light weight option from this awesome site called FredFlare that you should probably check out. You can also get things like this pocket watch or these texting gloves there. Christmas lists’ ho.

There are also really good vintage options for plus size coats:

Nemres’ vintage Dolce and Gabbana Coat ($99.00)

Also check out this way cheaper red wool coat from VintageGoodness – Plaid & Red Wool Coat ($29.95)

Wildcat Bomber Jacket ($79.60)

How cool does this jacket look? Too cool for you? Wrong. You’re the bees knees. Just like that kid in School of Rock. For the goods, Marc & Ecko has the hookup. Also they have this thing where their muse is Lindsay Lohan, so I guess that means they create the kinds of clothes they think would make Lindsay Lohan attracted to you…thus I think this site is good for like-minded lesbians (who have the money). Even though we would never objectify Lilo quite to this extent, they still have nice sweaters.

Less frill raincoat:
Boss Yellow Rain Jacket ($12.67) and sweet cardigan sweater:
Lotus Fleece Cardigan ($36.99)

WINTRY ACCESSORIES

Once upon a time my cute Russian photography professor had a fight with her boyfriend and bought herself some new winter threads to cheer her up. One item she picked up was a scarf with a hood attached; because as she put it: “there are lots of times when you don’t think you’re going to need a hood, but then you do.”

You can find a nice cheap one over at Belt Outlet ($12.95) or Amazon ($13.99); or if you’re feeling ambitious, knit your own.

So I know I just mentioned this, but I’m going to mention it again. LOOK. Texting gloves ($22). That’s actually what they’re called.

If you’re one of those people who likes wearing dresses no matter what the season, you might want to check out these super comfy looking fleece-lined tights ($35) from Singer22. I think they’re overpriced because famous people shop there or something.

If you want to be adventurous consider putting these over them.

These Thick Black Warm Knit Ladies Winter Legging Tights ($11.99) would also work, and I really appreciated how the title is just a bunch of descriptive words and nouns. Anyway they also look pretty warm and are only 12 dollars.

Other Stuff That’s “In” Lately
And That I Haven’t Really Mentioned…

…military-esque things (go figure), lace, velvet, wearing thick socks with your heels, button-ed up collars, et al.

I think dressing like a mountaineer can be cool too. Maybe get a vest and turtleneck thing going on. Maybe just some brown slacks and an orange sweatshirt with the British flag on it. I don’t know. What do you think mountaineers wear?

Period 101: Toxic Shock Station

Do you remember first getting your period. Were you excited. Do you hate yourself in retrospect for your excitement. Do you love it. Are you uncomfortable. Listen, we’re here to change your life. Make it better.

Long before getting my period, I enjoyed both Judy Blume novels and advertisements disguised as pamphlets about teenage girls named ‘Ginny’ ‘Patty’ and ‘Donna’ who had questions about pads, tampons and boys. This book, Growing Up and Liking it, produced by esteemed literary press “Personal Products,” inspires its reader to anticipate one’s period with sunflowers and fonts:

Of course, the reason companies even make literature like that is ’cause they have PRODUCTS FOR YOU! And as you may know, periods are both inevitable and expensive and often, for lesbians, especially irritating. In “Butch.Period,” a recent article by Heather Robinson for Curve Magazine, she writes:

Though I don’t know many women who love their periods, I’m more disgruntled than most. My cycle makes me acutely aware of all the Earth Goddess parts of me, and it’s impossible to ignore the baby-making organs on board. I’m just not made for menstruation. Despite my 20 years of visits from Aunt Flo, I am still caught unaware on a regular basis. Sometimes I wonder if I’m not being passive-aggressive with my own body. Meanwhile, my poor cargo shorts continue to pay the price.

Let’s lighten that load. We’re gonna tell you about menstrual cups and if you can’t handle it (which is fine, I can’t!) then we still have a super-special-secret way to ensure Proctor & Gamble’s lease in your vagina doesn’t get out of control.

“Our society creates a hospitable climate for cuntpower to be generated into profits amassed by large corporations…. taking responsibility for one’s bleeding ways is part of the reality-based revolution founded between the soft, luscious thighs of every woman on the planet… a more material aspect of this revolution is downsizing the percentage of our funding to corporations that exists for no other purpose than to constrain women in the throes of body-alienation and perpetuate our deleterious relationships to our cunts.”

–CUNT: A Declaration of Independence
by Inga Muscio

1. The Menstrual Cup

Dina and Laura have kicked down some patriarchal walls for Real Life: I Use a Menstrual Cup.

Dina
Age: 27
Menstrual Cup User For: Four years or thereabouts

I moved into the dorms at my total hippie college when I’d just turned 18, and we celebrated our new beginnings by spending a weekend retreat before school started on Camano Island, where I found myself elbow-deep in alternative living choices.

One day after breakfast, the conversation turned to periods. “Oh, I use sea sponge tampons!” one of them said, a look of manic pride on her face.

“Oh, I use the Keeper menstrual cup!” another woman said. “It’s wonderful! I can save my blood and paint with it!”

“I put my blood in a jar so I can feed it to my plants!” someone else piped up. “They perk right up, it’s so beautiful!”

Meanwhile, I was sitting there trying hard not to look horrified. Needless to say, this girl from the suburbs was a bit traumatized.

It took me five years to even consider buying a menstrual cup for myself, but once I got my Moon Cup from the UK, I was hooked. Now I even help moderate the Menstrual Cups LiveJournal community because I’m a special kind of crazy.

(And no… I don’t feed my blood to any of my potted plants.)

Laura
Age: 21
Menstrual Cup User For: Ten months

Last Christmas break, the first day after getting home from out universities, my friends and I were sitting around and talking about everyone’s semester, including the three who’d just gotten back from studying abroad.

The group consensus seemed to be that, while Europe was great, periods were a problem. The only tampons you could buy in Austria, Germany, France, and Spain were o.b.-style and if you managed to find a pack of ones with applicators, they cost three times as much.

Because I take my menstrual healthy very seriously (read: I wanted to go abroad but wasn’t interested in shoving the dry, cotton equivalent of a cork up my vagina without the help of silky silky plastic) I went home and got on my computer to try to figure out what my options would be if I went abroad. I don’t even remember where I found menstrual cups, but after ten or so minutes of being grossed out, then fascinated, I realized I had to have one.

Diva Cup might be the most hilariously inappropriate name for an item designed to capture blood, but I love products with ridiculous names; my bike is called “Urban Soul.” Mine has reduced the amount of trash I create, soothed some of my cramps, and inspired bonding. I recently got text from my friend, Jonathon, who’s climbing the Appalachian Trail that said “All the girls on the trail have menstrual cups too!! Miss you so much.”

While it has its share of downfalls, we’re talking about a vagina band-aid; nothing’s going to be perfect. Since the product websites take special care not to be graphic, Dina and I aim to let you know all the things that you actually want to know when it comes to menstrual cups. If you’ve ever used one, we want to hear from you! Let us know what you like, what you can’t stand, and if you have any tips or warnings that we didn’t think up.

— The Good —

+
+The Price Is Right

Dina: When I consider that I was spending about $10 on pads before, my $50 cup paid for itself in less than half a year! If you’re inclined to think they’ll work for you, I suggest you give it a try. Figure out how much you spend per month on menstrual products, then see how many months it would take to make the amount you paid for the cup back. If you give it a try for that long and don’t like it, then you haven’t wasted any money!

Laura: I know the initial price seems steep (I paid $30), but these babies last ten years. Ten years of tampons adds up to about $1000. Eek!

+Comfort City

Dina: I find them much more comfortable. For me, pads chafe and smell funny after a while, and tampons are dry and scratchy and give me horrible cramps. The cup is non-absorbent, so it doesn’t dry your vagina out like a tampon can. This also means that the risk of TSS is much lower than with tampons – possibly even nil. I could always feel a tampon inside me when forced to use one, but I don’t feel the cup at all.

+Environmental Friendliness

Dina: They are also a lot more ecologically friendly – no throwing away used pads, tampons and packaging!

Laura: Tampons are really really white which means bleach was used in their production. I know they’re safe, but the thought of putting something porous that’s been soaked in bleach inside of me isn’t super appealing.

+The Pocket/Purse Issue

Dina: I love not having to carry around a handful of pads and/or tampons around with me when I’m on my period (or suffering the embarrassment of running out).

Laura: My friends would probably have me put this in “The Bad” column because I never had tampons when they come looking for one, but honestly this is a wonderful thing. If you keep track of your period, you can put your cup in the day you’re supposed to get it so that you don’t have the play everyone’s least favorite game: it’s the first day of my period so now i have to go home and scrub out my underwear. Or you can just keep it in a little cozy in your bag.

— The Bad —

+
+Making It Work

Dina: While I think cups are great, I also recognize that they’re not for everybody. Some people aren’t comfortable using internal products for various reasons. Others might find it difficult to use – it does take a while to master. (Remember that LiveJournal community? Lots of helpful people there!) Some people have leaking problems and have to try a couple of different cup brands before they find something that works… and not everyone has that kind of money to burn.

Special Correspondent Intern Emily: I had followed the instructions and I got stuck at the second to last step; when you insert it, the cup is supposed to open up inside of you, but it just wasn’t. I spent a few hours on the LiveJournal mentioned above and found the sections about first time use and popping open to be really helpful.

Basically this LJ is everything you’ve ever wanted to know (and more). It’s great because they’re real people and not brand instructions. There are so many more methods than just the ones that Diva tells you about in the instructions.

Laura: It took me a whole period to get it to go in right without leaking and the first time I got it in, I nearly had a panic attack because I couldn’t get it out. It turns out all I had to do was used a little toilet paper to pull on the stem because my fingers couldn’t quite grip it. As far as the stem goes, mine was a little too long so I had to cut it so it would stop mercilessly poking my vagina every time I moved.

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+Cleaning

Dina: My cup stains. Also, cleaning it in public can be kind of annoying – wiping it off with TP in the stall means that sometimes little toilet paper clumps get stuck to it. Bringing a water bottle into the stall with me and trying to clean it over the toilet makes me afraid I’m going to drop it and lose it forever. Just emptying it without cleaning means I get to deal with the tiny bit of blood mixed with vaginal juices that’s left behind. Unisex bathrooms are nice because usually the toilet and sink are in the same room!

Laura: Just because I’m comfortable with my period doesn’t mean my roommate is. I have to schedule cleaning it (I soak it in vinegar because I fear yeast infections like it’s my job and then boil it for 20 minutes) for times when she’s not around. As far as my neurotic tendencies go, the whole public restroom thing can be a problem. If I forget to empty it out in the morning, it’s going to overflow and leak and I’m not totally down with taking it out, walking to the sink, rinsing it out, and then going back in the stall and putting it in because that’s slightly disgusting.

— The Ugly —

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+The Gross Factor

Laura: This one’s pretty obvious. You’ve got to be pretty comfortable with your vagina to decide to use one which, really, isn’t a bad thing to be. My mum thinks it’s gross and has asked me multiple times if it’s FDA approved. Once you get past the initial disgust, you have to realize that you bleed a lot more than you might think. When it’s all soaked up in a pad or tampon, you might not realize just how much blood is coming out of you every month. The upside of this is that I’ve realized that I need to eat healthier, especially during my period, to keep me from getting shaky or worn out too easily.

+ Going to the Bathroom

Laura: Using a menstrual cup does make me feel like I have to pee more often than usual. I think it’s pushing on my bladder and making it feel more full, but I know that I tend to get up to go to the bathroom 3 or more times before falling asleep when I’m using it.

Dina: Whenever I have to remove my cup, I bear down. Unfortunately, that uses the same muscles I use to poo. Which means that every time I have to poo with my cup in, I feel like it’s going to fall out into the toilet. When I’m at home I’ll usually just pop the cup out before I drop the kids off at the pool, but if I’m at work? I’ve been known to put my finger over my vagina to hold the cup in. I’ve never actually gotten close to losing it that way, but… it’s still a concern to my paranoid mind.

+I’ve Never Been So Scared Of Losing My Grip

Dina: One time after rock climbing, my cup started to leak and I had to go to empty it. My hands were really shaky from all the work (I have carpal tunnel syndrome), and I couldn’t get a grip on my cup. Before I knew it… plop! Into the potty it went. I had to reach down the toilet hole to retrieve it! (Thank goodness I live in Australia, where there’s only a small amount of toilet water rather than the giant swimming pool in American toilets!) After tearfully and furiously scrubbing it off in the bathroom sink (and getting extremely strange looks from a gaggle of ten-year-olds) I had to put it back in. What else could I do? I don’t carry around tampons anymore! Ahhh! Luckily my vagina lived to tell the tale, and I keep a death grip on my cup at all times.

— The Bottom Line —

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Menstrual cups are economical, ecologically friendly and effective for many vagina-having people. But they’re not for everyone. At the end of the day, as long as you’re happy with what you’re using, we’re happy!

What do you think? Do you have a cup? What’s your favorite brand? Or could nothing ever convince you to shove a piece of latex/silicone/thermoplastic elastomer up your ladybits (at least for menstrual purposes)?

2. Do It Yourself

Of course cups aren’t for everyone, but if you’re still determined to be the best lesbian hippie you can possibly be, you’ll probably be excitant about some other options out there, like making your own pads!

3. Toxic Shock Station

Because we need ‘money’ to ‘fund this operation’ — so much more than we have, in fact, that we’re constantly asking you for it — we’re always thinking of new ways to facilitate the giving-of-money. That’s why we’ve put together this fantastic Autostraddle A-STORE so that you can save money AND stick it to the man. ‘Cause Amazon is the man, right, but so is CVS and Walgreens and Duane Reade and Rite-Aid, so if you’re gonna support all those places, wouldn’t it be way cooler if a little bit of that went to someone else, like say, Autostraddle? Well, just order your tampons on the internet and we get like ten cents, which eventually adds up to A BAJILLION DOLLARS.

Here’s some of those things, but really go visit the a-store. BUY THINGS; FUND AUTOSTRADDLE; WIN/WIN!

Go all-natural with Seventh Generation Chlorine-Free Organic Pads or Natracare Organic pads to keep chemicals out of your vadgehole.

The best way to save money is with a Lite/Regular/Super 80-count Multipack for $23.50 (.15/tampon) or  A 40-Count Multipack at $13.66 ($0.17/tampon).

As aforementioned, Menstrual Cups are super fun. Moon Cups are sold on Amazon in multi-packs, you can select how many  you want from two [54.59 ($27.30 / Item), which saves you $16.19 (23%)] to twelve [$314.30 ($26.19 / Item) which saves you $110.38 (26%)], or just get your two-pack in Size A MoonCup, or Size B MoonCup. Other Brands include Diva Cup Diva Cup #1 Pre Childbirth $25.95 (save 34%) and Diva Cup Diva Cup #2 Post Childbirth $22.95 (save 42%) and The Keeper Size A 1 Pk By Gladrags: $27.48 (22% off store price).

Hey did we leave off your favorite menstrual accoutrement? Tell us and we’ll add it to the store! Happy bleeding, revolutionists!!

Autostraddle 2010 Fall Fashion Guide for Various Shapes, Sizes, Gender Expressions

Style Editor Becky:

Hi! Fall is just around the corner and I’m here to whip you into shape and make you look cool like a prism in the sun so girls will be attracted to your rainbow magicalness and ask you to go apple picking with them. THAT’S MY JOB DESCRIPTION, BITCHES. WELCOME TO THE FALL STYLE GUIDE/THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

We have a lot of special guests today but I am going first.

1. Bow Ties

“Hi! You might remember me from that time I played the almost-lesbian in Mean Girls. Do you like my bow tie? I’m wearing it because I think I’m in a promotional photo for a movie I was in about a catering business or something but you should probably just note how good I look in a bow tie and wear one to your first day of classes.”

Look at these from Laurent Des Grange for inspiration, and then go hunt for one or two of your own. There are some nice ones over at Amazon and Topman. If you’re ambitious, maybe even try making your own. Bow ties are approved by my golden rule: WWJBD? If the answer is, he totes. would, then you should probably do it.

Of course the very non-gendered American Apparel has them for $19 (as seen above).

2. Long-John Pants

In my opinion, just plain wearing long-johns are essentially the “men’s” version of wearing leggings.

But I really like the look. It manages to incorporate “bagginess” without having to wear your pants below your bum and it maintains the “skinny” look of the pant our generation is so fond of (and I’m partially glad, even if it’s just to keep the return of the bell-bottom at bay for a few more years). Also there’s no worrying about camel toe and they’re hella-comfortable.

Now these types of pants go by a million different names. Personally I like “carrot pants” but I think most people refer to them as harem pants which kind of makes me uncomfortable. They’re also often called “drop-crotch pants” too I believe. Which is nice and umm… descriptive.

Above:

a. Asos Harem Lounge Pants

b. Monrow Fleece Harem Pants

c. Delia’s Drawstring Harem Pant

d. Asos Jersey Harem Pant

Essentially, these are like low-crotch, skinny-leg, light sweat pants and I stand by the claim that they’ll look baller with some heels or classy work boots and a blazer. You can find whatever-the-heck-you-want-to-call-them pants from places like Asos (as seen above) But if you’re on a budget, you might consider just wearing long johns.

And because we believe in non-gendered styles/clothing ’round here – let’s here it for the boys:

Above:

a. Topman Drapper Pant

b. Topman Carrot Cropped Short

c. These are from Topman as well, however we don’t have a link at the moment. But don’t they look awesome with boots?!

If you don’t know this already, Topman is a UK brand so the sizes here run slimmer than the usual american style, which means it’s more female-figure-friendly.

Also because I know 95% of you aren’t going to be down with the above suggestions, look!

Corduroy pants from Alloy!

3. Work Boots

Work boots are like hiking boots only not as ugly (sorry hiking boots, you help me get up mountains but rarely help me get dates).

(Above: GDC Union Work Boots)

Look around Ronnie Fieg for inspiration, get a feel for what’s out there, and then find the pair that fits your budget. Work boots are more clean cut and classy than hiking boots or combat boots; unfortunately outside the land of Doc Martens it isn’t uber easy to find boots like these that are women-friendly…i.e. in smaller sizes. Unless you have big feet. In which case I envy you pretty hard right now and you should get yourself over to a Topman.

Here are some others:

Above:

a. Topman Hi-Cut Canvas Boots

b. Polo Ralph Lauren Men’s Ranger Boot

c. Sebago Boots

d. Red Wing Classic

4. Wrap-Around scarves

Speaking of clean-cut, here’s a trend that started late last fall but never really got it’s feet off the ground. Like the carrot pant, these scarves have a million and a half names including but not limited to: connected scarf, infinity scarf, loop scarf, circle scarf…YOU GET THE PICTURE IT DOESN’T LEAVE YOUR NECK EVER.

These scarves are great because they keep your neck warm and you don’t have to worry about loose ends shifting around and looking weird or uneven or getting caught in a door and choking you to death like you do with regular scarves. You know? In my opinion, the trick to this look is getting a scarf that’s not frilly or sequined or stringy or ruffly or overly fuzzy. Just keep it classy or simple.

Above:

a. J.Jill Infinity Scarf

b. Collection XIIX Scarf, Gauze Infinity Loop

[Not pictured] Gray Shredded Loop Circle Infinity Lightweight Scarf: On Amazon, inexpensive and cute.

5. Leather

Leather jackets are timeless. So are cuffs and nice leather belts. Luckily, there’s a place for most of that. A GAY PLACE. It’s called Lucky Dog Leather and it seriously rocks. Like srsly. I myself just got a cuff and a belt from there and NO REGRETS. I feel like a bad-ass cow-hand AND I’m stylish which hasn’t happened since the cowboy boot trend. So get on that.

What I like about Lucky Dog Leather is that their products are about as custom-made as you can get on the cold, unfeeling internet–as in, they’re really thorough about sizing and making sure you’re happy with your purchases.

6. Carry-ons

I know a place where the grass is really greener. It’s called Supermarket and it’s full of independent designers and you can leaf through their stuff and decide if you like / want to buy any of it. It’s kind of like a supermarket. Anyway designer Sarah Porter has these far too adorable coin purses:

That make me not want to discard/ disregard my loose monies and instead keep them in a tiny pouch with a gerbil on it so I can save up for penny whistles and moon pies.  You know?

Also, peep these plaid wallet/holders:

Above:

a. Plaid Pattern Extra Thick Fatty Flat Women’s Wallet w/ Checkbook Cover

b. Mishka wallet

c. Enjoi Skateboards Panda Plaid Wallet

d. Business ID Card Holder Case

7. Solid Colors

Okay, so maybe I’m getting more and more abstract with each numerical increment. But I’m just as serious about this suggestion as I am with the others. With all the leaves doing their tye-dyed dying fox-trot, it’s a good idea to not compete with their patch-work brilliance. Because you will lose. That’s really my main advice to you. Don’t try to upstage the leaves. This is their last hurrah. Would Justin Bieber do it? No. No he wouldn’t. And guess what? Fall palettes of the fashion world are going to conflict. So if you want to know which solid colors you should wear, I’m going to have opt for the annoying but true “seasonal colors are a social construct”.

Just look around and see what you like/can afford/ follow your heart/ the northern star or something.

Above:

a. Luke Meier x Vans Syndicate Zero Low “S”

b. Gap Slub Crewneck

c. L.L. Bean Rope Belt

d. Forever 21 Pencil Skirt

e. Wet Seal Basic Platform Pump

f. Swell Thermal top

8. Cardigans

It wouldn’t be fall if you didn’t at least browse through some cardigans. Gap has some nice hybrid jacket/cardigans like this ‘Varsity shawl collar cardigan‘:

I’m also really digging these ones from Topman. They’re totally on sale for only $20 (marked down from $50.) GET IT GIRL.

9. Flannel

You wouldn’t be a lesbian if you didn’t at least have a soft spot for flannel (see what I did there?). And yes, I know I just said solid colors, but let’s make an exception for what’s basically the unofficial uniform of the dykes. Also, these ones from Acne are just plain wonderful:

Oh, and don’t be fooled–flannel is a material, so you can still enjoy this super coze shirt without the plaid design. You know, in case you have an irrational fear of dwindling fades.

10. Blazers

(Above: British Tweed Blazer)

Blazers are the love of my life. You can do anything with them. You can wear them or hang them up in your closet or use them as a magic carpet or take them to the dry cleaners unless you’d rather wash them in a stream. The best part is that blazers are conducive to bow ties and carrot pants and boots and scarves and cardigans ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

Above:
a. J.Crew Navy schoolboy blazer

b. Paxton Tweed Blazer from Delia’s

c. BB Dakota Douglas Blazer

Also! BONUS:

They’re baaaack.

Denim Vests and Jackets from J.Crew

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Next Page:
Fashionista Lily and Special Guest Blogger Nicolette give their fall picks.

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Style Wednesday: Shoes Shoes Shoes!

Hello shiny happy people! Today’s style post is about my favorite article of clothing in the entire world: shoes. Are you excited about shoes? Because you should be! You have no idea how excited I am. Seriously, you have NO IDEA. For me, shoes aren’t just protective wear for your feet, they are for staring at after having a terrible day and for trying on during a “life-is-stressful-and-I-can’t-breathe” moment. You wear your favorite shoes while dancing to Madonna alone in your room. You buy new ones after your girlfriend breaks up with you, and they make you feel REALLY GOOD even though the economy sucks and you have no money.

Shoes do for me what Prozac does for like…most of the United States. You probably don’t share the same intense and slightly romantic feelings towards shoes as I do, but hopefully this post will inspire to put on your favorite pair tonight and dance like crazy to Madonna’s “Immaculate Collection.”

Note: I am a short person, but I really enjoy feeling tall which means that there are a lot of heels in this post. Tyra Banks and I both understand that many people cannot walk in heels. As long as you’re not in the running to become America’s Next Top Model, we’re totally cool with that. I prefer a girl in sneakers anyways. I just don’t want anyone to feel as though Autostraddle is forcing you to wear heels. We are not. We love you forever no matter what you have on your feet.

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THE SUMMER SHOE:

Sandals

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It’s still summertime, which means that our feet can still breathe, yay!

These strappy sandals from nastygal.com may not be great for the beach due to their four inch heel, but they are perfect for a summer barbecue or an outdoor wedding/commitment ceremony/babyshower/Bar Mitsva.

For cute, cheap, simple, and low to the ground, Target is always a good place to go.

If you’re planning on channeling your inner Greek goddess this summer, then these MIA sandals are the perfect shoe to match your toga.

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FOR COLDER SEASONS:

Boots

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Fall is going to be here before you know it, so if you’re in the market for new boots, you might just want to buy them on sale now before the prices go way up in anticipation of chilly weather.

Knee-high boots are not only super cute, but they are also crazy warm, which makes waking up to go to class/work/the grocery store WAY easier. I found these Dollhouse boots on amazon.com for only $33! That would be so cheap if my only job was something other than babysitting twice a week!

Other fantastic Dollhouse/Amazon finds include these relatively inexpensive combat boots and these scary but awesome buckle strapped wedge boots.

The buckle wedges above look a lot like the pair that this girl is wearing on her crazy animal legs but are way cheaper than the Jeffrey Campbell original!

If you want a shorter boot that you can walk in (i.e. something a bit closer to the ground), MIA has some great options, including these super cheap western style boots.

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SHOES THAT ARE

Terrible/AWESOME

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Boat shoes can either make you look like my pompous high school English teacher or they can make you look really cool. Chances are you are not a 50-year-old man, so they are probably going to make you look awesome. I’m a big fan of these navy boat shoes from the men’s department of J. Crew.

These MIA lace-up wedges sort of look hideous, but they also sort of look awesome. I’m a big fan of straddling the line between horrible and awesome, which is why I really want these shoes. It is also why I am currently watching That’s So Raven.

These Jeffrey Campbell wedges will most likely break your ankle and your wallet, but they would look great in the Beyonce music video that is my life. I live a really fantastic life.

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BECAUSE YOU’RE A GOOD PERSON:

Vegan Shoes

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Looking for vegan friendly shoes because you are totally awesome and into saving the WORLD?!?! Look no further than modcloth.com. Just type “vegan” into their search box and all of your dreams will come true. They have a wide selection of vegan friendly shoes including these fantastic cowboy boots, these cute little wedges, and these badass high-heeled booties.

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THE UNIVERSAL SHOE:

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Everyone loves Keds. My grandma loves Keds, my five year-old neighbor loves Keds, my dog loves Keds. Keds are the universal shoe. What makes them even cooler is that their website features a tool that allows you to custom make your very own little sneaker by adding color, images, and text! Because it seems as though I cannot write anything for Autostraddle without mentioning the Spice Girls, here are my custom-made “Girl Power” Keds.

Queers In Heat: It’s Too Hot to Move, What Do I Wear?

Guess what?  You don’t have enough time or money to go to the beach. You’re reduced to envying those kids running under a free flowing fire-hydrant from afar and maybe if you’re lucky making it rain with a garden hose. While there’s no perfect solution as to how to keep cool on these hot summer daze, we can relish the challenge of how to put together a nice outfit that won’t leave us drenched in sweat when we leave our fan filled abodes.

Head

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Marc Jacobs made a straw hat collection and is selling them for $225 each. I had a Pepperidge farm coconut cake for breakfast this morning. Isn’t life funny? Anyway, here’s a hat for a fraction of that cost:

More adidas…

And here are some aesthetically pleasing baseball caps from Karmaloop that i’m feelin’ on this hot summer evening:

Hats are good because they keep the sun from beating all up on your face and protect your head from getting wet if there is a surprise thunderstorm which sometimes there are.

Shoulders

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It’s hard to look nice when you’re Crinkle button down short-sleeve shirts are great because they can be classy or casual and are usually super-duper light and airy. If you’re feeling cultural, try a Guayabera and rep Cuba for me.

You can get them over at Amazon in pretty much every color.

Or put a really light vest over your really light, possibly sleeveless, t-shirt.

The tank top is $5 from Uniqlo , the sunglasses are $10 from Asos, vests like the one pictured above can be purchased over at Karmaloop.

Snap-button dresses are great because you can tear them off really easily and jump into a pool.

You can get this one over at BlueBird Vintage or shop around for others:

Knees

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Two words: swamp ass. You feeling it on the subway? Are your thighs sticking the vinyl in your sweaty Wrangler Jeep? There is no cure. So what can we do? Not a whole heck of a lot. The goal here is to keep cloth-like materials above the knee to refrain from dying of heat stroke but not so short that it looks like you just robbed a Kids R Us.

These mid-length shorts are from Arden B, the sandles are from Laura Brandon, and  the endangered animal clutch curtsy of is $7 from Amazon.

Chino shorts are fun for the whole family. Especially if you’re feeling boyish/classic/like a sailor:

More J.Crew…

JCrew makes some lovely light shorts. You can wear them as-is or experiment with them a bit. If you want to wear them with the bottoms rolled up, perhaps even allowing the pockets to stick out, buy a bigger size than you need, since rolling them up makes them tighter. Or you can just cuff them. Add a belt / those suspenders you made the other day.

Toes

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Flip-flops are like that childhood friend who you grew apart from kinda but who you will always consider a “best- friend” of sorts.

As much as I hate going in there because of the unshakable feeling that I just walked into a 12 year old’s discotheque turned burlesque house, Abercrombie & Fitch / Hollister has some pretty solid beach sandles that remind me of this lifestyle and I guess that’s the whole point.

The opposite of flip flops would be these wing tip slip-ons; you know, for all your summer evening banquet needs.

Are you still getting over the fact that these exist? I’m not totally over it myself so it’s okay. Let’s just look at them for awhile longer.

Also, floating around the interweb are these:

which are basically my fantasy and can be found over at VanEra. I’m really digging the “new high top” which is basically just the old high top only a little lower cut. Malibu Stacy with a new hat, you know?

Okay that’s it. Hopefully at least one of you out there has one of those sweet fan/spray bottle things. Enjoy your summer gays.

Dressing for the Future

Hello,

Welcome to the future! In my future, you’re going to read what I’ve written below and the 4th of July has or has not already happened. [UPDATE: Has.]

Now let’s talk about clothes.

Independent Artists 4 the Future

Fresh & Wholesome is an amazing design project by  NYC based artists and they’re fucking sweet. These Fresh & Wholesome t-shirts are unique and highly recommended. They’re kind of like a rebellion against the beloved faded graphic tee. Why get a faded robot when you could have a textured, tangible one? There is also a secret pocket sewn into all of them. For serious. The future is now.

They also have cool jewelry. Like them on Facebook.

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All-American Girl

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Sometimes the future can be classic, too! Some things are timeless, like that we all secretly want to be that freckled face girl in the overalls with the loyal dog living on a farm who swings from a tire swing down by the pond, and kisses girls in a tree-house, I recommend to you these:

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Or I recommend you thrift around for a cheaper pair. Mine I found at Goodwill and are paint splattered. Good things happen to those who make them happen. There’s always Wet Seal in a pinch, or grab some Dickies and f*ck ’em up real good.

Anyway, overalls are totally the most easily attainable part of the above fantasy, so start living your dreams today. Also there would be s’mores and fireflies and rocking chairs and Henry David Thoreau would be there to talk social construct with!

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I’m Sweating Your Sweater

+
Light sweaters with shorts are an easy/great look and keep you safe from bug bites on your arms.

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This one from Asos via Shopstyle is super cute and only costs $16 ish dollars. That’s less than seeing a shitty movie like Get Him To The Greek.

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Dolphins Are the Future/Lesbians Love Sea Mammals

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This one from Karmaloop is also cool, albeit a little more expensive and basically the opposite of the one pictured above.

In the future, dolphins will be able to fly, congeal into a rainbow, and pee purple stars. You know what these would look good with? Some board shorts. Seriously. And hey, after all our talk, it shouldn’t be too hard for you to find a pair you feel groovy about. Get on that.

Obviously nothing is more futuristic than robots, especially when you involve coloring, too. Get a robot t-shirt that comes with pens for you to make into a future of your own imagination, like Disneyworld. Delia’s would also like you to Create Your Future with a v-neck they’ve already finished creating, which is typical but also cute.

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Jewelry

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Also get on this:

Sure, this is a more politically aware accessory then I’ve recommended in the past, but luckily we’re lesbians and we love that shit.The national marriage boycott is run by great people and you should wear the ring if you agree with the cause. Remember when Kit Porter was all like, I’m not going to get married because my baby sis [Bette Porter] can’t? Yeah. Power to the people.

You can also accessorize with these super-cheap robot earrings from Forever 21:

Or this Domo Arigato necklace from ModCloth, it’s only $11.99.

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Shoes

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In the future, I will still really like looking at shoes. If you have $300 dollars to blow because you gave up your cocaine addiction once in for all, check it:

So yeah, these are some hybrid boat-shoe-sneaker ishes from Feit. But mostly what is Feit doing is solid, old fashioned, futuristic work, you know? Not just saying like, hey, remember those shoes people wore in the 40s? Those were sick. We should bring those back because A) they were cool and B) I’m not creative enough to make a cool new wicker shoe. Like look at these:

Yeah, they’re not wicker, but they’re still pretty ingenious.

Anyhoo, if you don’t have a future budget, the past is here to rescue you. Remember Fila? Yeah me neither, I mean barely, but they have some sporty future-shoes for you. On sale!

I feel like this is going to be a trend soon–actually inventing new clothes again (I say trend because at some point someone in the future is going to stop production by being like, hey, these were fucking sick!).

Anyway, I really want someone to design a new tie. I’m also waiting for someone to invent the new electricity because plugging things in seems really archaic and inconvenient right now and I’m pretty sure it’s bad for the environment. Also, remember book bras? Where they at. I’m waiting. Happy holidays or whatever. [Editors Note: Happy Heat Wave!]