Holigay 2012 Gift Guide: Animals and The People Who Love Them
Hugs and (puppy) kisses to Stef for the drawings and Scully for helping out.
Cats and dogs are important members of families across the globe — and you should be making note of that this season. After all, don’t you think your girlfriend would really love it if you showed up with a catnip-filled candy cane toy for her kitten tonight? I know I’m willing to melt on demand for whoever buys Eli a black leather jacket for Christmas to match the one I bought after Thanksgiving. Buying pets toys is a must, people! It makes everyone happy and when animals are happy, they ooze happiness that fills the air and your life.
As we write this Eli is curled up in that nook next to my ribcage, by the way. I dare you not to buy him a bone, honestly.
But it would be stupid for me to write a gift guide for animals without consulting one, so I consulted two –– Eli, my dog, and Scully, Stef’s cat. I was also in touch as well with Mary Tully, bonafide professional animal expert person.
Also Mary has a dog named Kai, and I assume he affects her life in a powerful way and impacts her daily decisions. And he’s adorable!
So without further ado, the pet gift recommendations straight out of the mouths of three animals and the people who love them more deeply than you can imagine.
Gifts for Dogs, Cats, Hamsters, and Other Weirdo Animal Friends
Pet Decor and Furniture
Eli recently tore up the basket his bed was in because he was upset and/or playing while in or around it while I was at work. Even though he sleeps in my bed, I keep dog beds around because I think they’re important statement pieces. I’ve been dying to buy him this AKC plaid dog bed because I think it says a lot about me.
Stef also found hamster beds and “just thought you guys would like to be aware of the wide variety of handcrafted hamster beds available on Etsy, to the surprise of absolutely no-one.” Disclaimer: she doesn’t own a hamster.
STEF: i just emailed you four things, one of them was hamster beds
CARMEN: sweet beans
S: just a link to the search for hamster beds
S: it seems like a really lesbian thing
S: baby i want you to know i’m really serious about our relationship
S: so i got us this hamster bed as a promise
S: and a symbol of my commitment to our future
S: and when you’re done making the kale chips, maybe we can go to the shelter
Also, my friend Libby would love this Alphapooch Napper Cat Den, thankyouverymuch.
If Eli were a cat, he’d definitely want this cat condo. Stef recommends it:
Cats love small enclosed spaces. Cats love scratching things. Cats love scratching the small enclosed space they lie in and glare at you from.
Overall, though, I think what Eli and every animal in the world needs is a reliable ceramic bowl set. I love the french-inspired line from Wag.
Toys
Eli is a medium-sized ball of energy (read: Chihuahua/Terrier mix) who only gets listless when I am trying to use the laptop he sleeps on. I keep him busy with all kinds of toys, but he destroys anything that isn’t durable. Across the board, toys that last long just seem to make more sense. Try a Nylabone dinosaur for big chewers. A stuffingless dog toy is a cute gift — just bring a water bottle to fill it with! A traditional Nylabone never dies, and the DuraChew that looks like a tree but tastes like bacon is even better.
For cats, Stef and Scully recommend EEK! mice, which apparently come in ‘mice color’ and ‘I’m on drugs color.’ Stef’s testimonial sounds promising:
I have owned approximately two cats in my 29 years, and both of them enjoyed a fine catnip treat now and again, but I have never seen my typically poised and aloof cat go absolutely apeshit like she does when I bring her one of these catnip mice (the pink ones, obvs). She FREAKS OUT before I can even get the mouse out of the packaging and cuddles and licks and kicks him with such fervor that eventually her affections become overwhelming and he disappears under the refrigerator, never to be seen again.
Nothing comes close to this fucking cat play circuit, though.
And never forget – the funniest toy is anything cats chase and you hold on a stick. Try the KONG version, which is probably indestructible. The KONG line of indestructible everything for dogs that you can fill with peanut butter is also helpful, PS.
All pets love a good challenge, though, so maybe invest in a pet puzzle for your super smart friend who has a Yorkie that sits at the dining room table and eats out of a plate. The sophisticated kind of pet will appreciate this. Maybe also a Macaw. This seek-a-treat dog bone puzzle is absolutely adorable.
Then again, Kygen dog games come in every shape and seem to be built for puppy geniuses.
Also, Mary Tully really likes Fab.com’s pet section – and they sell the incredible, amazing, one-of-a-kind holy shit it is so cute NORTH POLE EXPRESS CAT SCRATCHER. So. Mary advises keeping it simple and buying catnip but I one hundred percent endorse the following image/product being integrated more into your real life.
But it doesn’t end there! Mary says:
Fab.com is a great place to find unique, quality products of all kinds! They have some strange shit. But some really rad stuff too. Seriously they have everything from toys to pet clothing, collars, scratching posts, beds, bones, all of it. EVEN SWANKY LEATHER POO BAG HOLDERS!!!! It is technically a design website so most of their products are aesthetically pleasing/ interesting.You won’t see this stuff at Petco, which is why I like it:) Also, if you are looking for toys for intense chewers, they have so many things!
Excuse me while I buy a leather shit-holding pouch for my pet so I’m never seen as human again, but instead as an indestructible lesbian animal lover with an arsenal of kick-ass leather goods.
Food
Someone has the munchies
After your pet has played with all those toys, it’s going to need some serious snackage. I’m not sayin’ that Eli and I get the munchies a lot a la Scooby Doo and Shaggy, but we do. And Stef gets it, too — how nice it is to feed your pet well and know they’re loving food the way you do:
I don’t think Scully would actually mind eating the same food every day, since she was born on the mean streets and spent most of her kittenhood dumpster diving. Still, for the sake of spoiling her, I really like to switch it up and occasionally bring her things like Meow Luau and Polynesian BBQ. There is something uniquely satisfying about your cat’s dinner being fancier than yours.
Eli loves Beggin’ Strips, which seems appropriate because the advertising is so good, and I once ate smoothies with him because doggie smoothies exist and that’s fucking amazing. If you’re trying to do well by them, feed your dog the natural shit like Wellness WellBars, or Blue Dog Bakery low-fat treats. My mom swore by Mother Hubbard because she liked the name, but my Chihuahua loved them, too. And who doesn’t love a big ol’ actual piece of lamb rib holy shit did I just touch that ew what the fuck Eli, I love you too much. They’re called Smokehouse Meaty Mammoth bones, and he can’t get enough of ’em. Gnaw, man. If your dog has a sweet tooth pick up a peanut-butter filled bone. Meanwhile, Stef buys the easily pleased Scully Weruva Canned Cat Food as a special treat every once in a while.
Mary also found amazing vegan treat recipes, so you can DIY your pet or your girlfriend’s pet or your mom’s pet some food without even clicking your mouse! It may involve walking to the kitchen though, so get ready. Here’s the recipes for dogs and cats, and also — Bren wrote up one a long time ago and I still insist it’s amazing.
Animal Clothing
The thing about my dog is that he’s even cuter when he’s dressed up — and finding him stuff is super easy because Eli happens to wear a size 3Mo. for babies and I just buy him used sweater vests in thrift stores. He also loves anything that attaches to his body at the neck, like collars and bowties. He’s more dapper than I am but we have the same hair color so it doesn’t matter, you know?
eli and me, xxxmas 2011
Your dog or cat or, really, even hamster could benefit from some clothing. After all, ’tis the season to be snuggie.
Also, four for anyone who buys Eli a smoking jacket.
UGH CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE
Gifts for People with Pets and Other Animal Lover Weirdos
You’ll never forget your dog now that I’ve bought you a custom-printed mug of his face!!
Books
Because I love my dog, there are things I want people to buy for me and him that nobody could possibly understand. Take, for example, the book Eli, No! which I actually did not write but could have, based on the imagery and plot alone.
You might also consider getting people coffee table books about animals. I’m pretty sure SNOG has you covered.
If your pet-loving friends need a bit of help, try training books by Victoria Stillwell and Karen Pryor. They’re Mary-Approved, meaning they’re amazing for real.
Movies
If someone loves animals, chances are they love The Aristocats, Milo and Otis, Benji, Oliver & Company, Homeward Bound, Air Bud, and/or Beethoven, right? How about My Dog Skip?
Petgo Hands Free Bicycle Leash
You’re into girls who like dogs, maybe. Is there really a chance you won’t ever need this? Buy one and keep it on hand for your next hipster girlfriend with a pug to walk.
Holigay Gift Guide: Crafty Little Bitches
by Hansen and Kristen
Buying a gift for a crafty person can be difficult if not impossible. We are the type of people to analyze a gift and immediately shout, “I could have made that!” Before we go any further, the two of us would like to apologize for all of the accidental insults uttered by other Crafty Bitches. But take heart, brave soul, because there is hope for gift givers. Here’s a good rule of thumb: give crafty people something they can make or at least feel like they made. Maybe a kit, an Etsy gift card, a craft book or something handcrafted by a fellow Crafty Bitch? If there’s a demographic for the handmade industry, it’s other people who are making things with their hands as well. We ladies love using our hands.
Infinitely Cool Projects They’d Never Buy for Themselves!
These are some fun projects to distract them from whatever form of crafting they love to do. Maybe they have had a crafting block and need something to get them out of the funk? These projects would do the trick. Plus, crafting kits and projects are the things you almost never buy for yourself but love to receive.
via {Amazon}
I don’t even cross stitch but I would learn because this phone case is so cool. Imagine the possibilities. Cross stitch a unicorn or a funny saying or a heart or your girlfriend or boifriend’s name. Limitless, dare I say?
via {Sublime Stitching}
You know your grandmother’s framed embroidery? It probably says, “Home Sweet Home” or “Bless This House” (my grandma has both of these in her house). Sublime Stitching patterns put your grandmother’s embroidery to shame. There’re derby girls and guitars and and pin up ladies to embroider and hang up to make your home look badass. It’s easy, too. There are tutorials and transfer pages and ugh, it’s just so cool, isn’t it?
This thing is awesome. I used to make many buttons in my youth, but none of them were this classy and fantastic. It may be titled “indie rock” but it’s just cool patterns that can span a broad spectrum of musical stylings. Except for that one with the cassette tape that says indie rock. Who cares? Buttons are universally loved, I can assure you of that.
The Black Apple’s Paper Doll Primer
Emily Martin of the Black Apple is one of the most successful sellers ever on Etsy. She’s adorable and makes adorable things. Your crafty person probably already knows about her and loves her, too, because I’m sure your crafty person has fantastic taste just like us. Who doesn’t love paper dolls? Who doesn’t love kitschy and cute paper dolls? No one worth knowing, that’s for sure.
Help Them Get Organized!
I feel like we’ve all complained about Martha Stewart at one time or another, but I’m sure most Crafty Bitches can agree that she’s one lucky lady. Her attic crafts room organization is drool worthy and something few people can hope to attain in their twenties. If you can’t give your giftee an entire attic, provide them with compartments, storage boxes or even a repurposed tool box to keep their shit organized. As a bonus, simple clean lines mean your MStew can personalize the fuck out of it.
1. Look at all the possibilities! That Stack On storage cabinet can store all of the weird knick knacks that come with the job.
2. If you feel weird giving someone an empty box for the holidays, fill it with shittons of glitter or purchase a wooden teabox and fill it with their favourites.
3. I’m partial to wood myself, but there’s something to be said for industrial design, like this black beast of a box. Pull out drawers are perfect for glue guns, soldering irons or sheets of scrapbooking paper.
4. Get your giftee a craft box to match their toolbox.
Craft Books
How about giving the gift of inspiration? There are so many amazing craft books out there. There are also a lot of shitty ones. Take our advice and pick from our favorites.
For home and art inspiration: DIY Art At Home, Design*Sponge at Home and Domino: The Book of Decorating. Do they have an Etsy shop? The Handmade Marketplace is basically the bible to selling your handmade things online.
Now don’t fuck the whole gift up with ugly wrapping, because we Crafty Bitches really pay attention to that stuff, okay? No pressure. You’ll be great.
Holigay Gift Guide: Funny Grrl
I like to think that everyone could use a laugh at all times and this is never truer than during the holiday season. The great thing about funny gifts is they require very little thought and if you don’t like it, that means there’s something wrong with the other person and has nothing to do with your impersonal, bordering on tasteless gift. So if you don’t have anyone in your life that is not only interested in accruing items they don’t really need but in accruing hilarious items they don’t really need, this is the gift guide for you.
A Gift Guide for Laughers
Funny T-shirts
I would say every five months or so I cruise sites like Busted Tees looking for funny t-shirts to bookmark and never purchase. It takes some work to find a few I like but once I do, I imagine how great they would be to own. To be the person in a witty but not annoying t-shirt. To have dozens and dozens of nerdy girls that would usually walk past me stop, adjust their glasses, and start a conversation based solely on the dopeness of my t-shirt. All of this and more could be yours… I mean, theirs. Because ’tis the season of giving if you’re into that.
Nerf Gun
Imagine all the movies you can quote! All the surprise attacks you can launch. So what you’ll lose all the darts under the couch. So what you’ll forget you own it after a week. Paintballing isn’t for everyone, but Nerf guns are. It’s only the second item and I’m already done pretending these are items I would get for someone else. These are items I want so just pretend all your friends are just like me. Have I told you how much I like your friends?
Surprise Mug
Don’t you hate when people come over your place and you’re all, “Do you want coffee or tea?” and they say “YES.” The nerve of these people expecting niceties and hospitality. While they enjoy the beverage it took you a few to several seconds to prepare you can chuckle under your breath. Douche indeed.
The Wine Rack
I cannot imagine a single scenario in which I would be so desperate to imbibe liquor that I would resort to such measures as The Wine Rack but I am seriously obsessed with any device meant to sneak liquor anywhere.
Ninja Cookie Cutters
Show me a person that doesn’t like cookies and show me a person that doesn’t like ninjas. YOU CAN’T. Please kick me in the mouth with chocolate now.
Slang Flashcards
This is my life and I’m tired of sending text message links to Urban Dictionary.
Cards Against Humanity
I like to describe this game as Apples to Apples for people that should be in therapy. It’s dark and hilarious and should be played with friends rather than acquaintances for best results. Also under one to several influences.
Grenade Mug
Not only is this mug funny, it looks like I made it in 6th grade art class. I can already see myself forgetting that I haven’t finished my McDonald’s-lawsuit-hot beverage and pretending to pull the pin and throw the fake grenade. This could only result in a burn so red that it forgoes pain for impressiveness because of my coloring.
F in Exams Book
I still find it impossible to hold back a smile when I see the “Find x” picture and thus believe this book would be endlessly entertaining. Funny people like to laugh, too. Let’s join the rest of the world in laughing at our academic system.
Someone’s Finally Doing it Right: Masculine Shirts for Women
Alex’s Team Pick:
Masculine shirts for women? Yes please.
I am excited about this Indiegogo campaign and support it because Anna Kunz, the very driven creator of this endeavor, is basically doing what I would do if I had the resources, time, or even remotely the amount of motivation that she does: masculine clothes that are made to fit women’s bodies.
What a concept! Actually, one that I’ve been griping about for years literally every time I walk into a clothing store.
“Our shirts are designed to be straight up what you’d expect to find in the men’s department: Primary colours, geometric patterns, no frills.
However, unlike shirts in the men’s department, Kreuzbach10 shirts are cut to fit female bodies. We know that women’s shoulders, chests, waists and hips are in different ratios to men, but furthermore in different ratios to each other. That’s why we have developed our core 3 cuts that cater to different body shapes and we hope to expand to more cuts the brand grows. We’re clear about which shirt is which cut, so if you buy one that fits you like a glove, its easy to find more that will make you look just as hot.”
If you’ve been waiting for someone to come along and provide us with some real menswear options, then Anna Kunz and her line, Kreuzbach10, certainly deserve the funds to get this done. It’s something to really get excited about – she’s clearly got the right idea, as her project has already been fully funded! But the campaign is ongoing for a few more days, which means that you can still grab yourself one of those cute bowties or even a shirt for supporting.
Here’s the Indiegogo video pitch for the project:
Find the campaign on Indiegogo – Kreuzbach10: Masculine shirts for Women.
Boots For Your Masculine-of-Center Feet
Can you feel that? It’s starting to get chilly outside. Or, maybe it’s not and will never get that cold where you live, but you’re starting to experience the I-love-winter-fashion-flurries in your stomach. Either way, it’s time to have the winter boots conversation.
I know. It seems as if femmes have an infinite number of options when it comes to winter boots. But, there is life beyond the Doc Marten for masculine-of-center genderqueers, lesbians, and trans men. Yes, Doc Martens are a staple and of course they made our list of recommended boots, but the dapperQ team is here to help you diversify your boot collection. If you need a refresher course before we start, visit Autostraddle’s Boots 101.
Size and Fit
dapperQ readers often ask us where they can find masculine shoes that fit. For boots, Anita Dolce Vita recommends:
+ Fashion search engines, such as ShopStyle, which allow you to browse hundreds of thousands of products from stores and brands all over the world. Begin your shoe search by entering keywords (in this case motorcycle boots, Chelsea boots, chukka boots, etc.) in the search query boxes. You can then narrow your results by gender and size depending on your preference. You’ll be surprised at the range of sizes you can find, even as small as size 4, depending on the style.
+ www.tallmenshoes.com carries boots that can add up to 4 inches in height. Sizes come in men’s 6-12 (women’s 8-14).
+ Of course, if you wear a women’s size 9 or up, you have a bit more flexibility, as many men’s sizes start at around 7, which converts to about a size 9 in women’s.
Styles
The Dress Boot
Anita Dolce Vita recommends: If you’ve been invited to a winter wedding, have a job that calls for business attire, or are simply the so-fresh-and-so-clean-clean-24/7 type, dress boots are a slightly warmer and drier alternative to dress shoes because they at least cover your ankles. You can opt for a traditional dress boot that laces up, a monk strap boot, or try the slim silhouette Chelsea boot (aka dealer boot), which has elastic side panels known as gorings. While dress boots are nice enough to wear in lieu of “low top” dress shoes, keep in mind that they work best with more tailored, slim-fit looks.
My picks are the Dune Paddington studded ankle boots (ASOS; women’s sizes 5-10); RENATTA JOP ankle boots (YOOX; women’s sizes 6-10); Ecote Metal Chelsea boot (Urban Outfitters; women’s sizes 6-10); Athens leather Chelsea boot (ASOS; women’s sizes 5-10); Luca Valentini ankle boots (YOOX; women’s sizes 5-11); and Ella tan derby boots (Grenson; women’s sizes UK 3-9).
Rocco Katastrophe in dress boots. via: dapperQ
Ariel recommends: For dress boots, slim pants are a must. These are glam rock/rock-and-roll boots and you have to play the part. Cheaper brands include Bostonian (about $100 on their website) and Bass (I found sale prices as low as $70); the sky is the limit with these guys.
Sam in dress boots. Photo by Candice Comisi via: dapperQ
Tk recommends: My top pick is Tommy Hilfiger’s Runway Double Monk Cadet boot. Also, Paul Smith’s Salinger Chelsea Spectator boot and Aldo’s Draney boot. However, there are limited size options in these styles (men’s size 7.5+ = women’s size 9.5 and up).
The Rugged Work (Inspired) Boot
Anita Dolce Vita recommends: Just as there is life beyond the Doc Marten when it comes to the combat boot, there is life beyond the classic tan Timberland when it comes to the work boot. I really like the Georgia G31 Work Lacer with kiltie accent (women’s sizes 5-10) and ASOS Amber lace-up (women’s sizes 5-10). Wear these work boots with your pants cuffed (like Tiq below), roll your pants up a bit higher to show a little sock or keep your boots slightly unlaced and bunch up your pants for a slouchy feel.
Tiq Milan in work boots. Photo by Vito Fun via: dapperQ
Mr. Rachel Tutera recommends: My top pick is the rugged-looking Timberland Earthkeepers City-Zip boot, which are environmentally friendly, but sizes start at a men’s size 7 and up (women’s size 9+).
The Motorcycle or Engineer Boot
Motorcycle and biker boots. Photo by Juliana Wigmore via: Queer Fashion 101
Ariel recommends: Cleaning out the closet at my lez job, I once found a pair of motorcycle boots in perfect condition. I took it as a sign from the lez gods (goddesses?) that I was doing the right thing and have worn them for years. These are big, sturdy boots, and I love them; they can stand up to a wider-leg jean without getting lost.
The Frye Harness boot is an absolute classic (and $300); the boots gifted to me from the lez goddesses were Chippewa. Harley-Davidson, unsurprisingly, makes motorcycle boots, and they run in the $100-$150 range. This is the kind of shoe you might actually wear for the next 10 years; it might be worth it to save up some money and buy nice.
Anita Dolce Vita recommends: Second what Ariel says. Additionally, Dirty Laundry has a Showstopper motorcycle boot that is relatively affordable ($64), but they will certainly not be the same quality as Frye. DV and ASOS carry ankle length biker inspired boots that can pass for dressier shoes under nice trousers, but are still biker enough to wear to a dive bar.
Kawan(a) Shane recommends: The Harley Davidson Men’s Constrictor is my boot of choice! Whether you are out on the town sportin’ your favorite broken-in jeans, ready to ride with the pack or elevating your business casual attire, this boot is beyond versatile and comfortable. Some of the major pluses about this boot include: full-length sock lining to avoid boot-sock tug-a-war, the decorative but robust ankle harness strap for support, a sturdy zipper and most importantly, the boot comes in classic badass black or rustic brown- colors made for anyone who wants to get their swag on. The boot runs in men’s sizing ranging from size 7 to 13 and the width runs in medium. For those who may need wide width, you may try going up a half to full size according to your comfort level. In addition, the best about these boots is their price! C’mon, who doesn’t see the value in a pair of quality Harley Davidson’s for $140.00US-$160.00US? You gotta’ heart these motorbabies.
Next: Combat boots, snow boots, chukka boots, and western boots!
A Gaggle of Gay Grandpa Sweaters
Queers, it is Fall time. And Fall time means sweater time. It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The songs will tell you that’s Christmas, but they’re lying. It’s Fall. And I am not the only one with strong sweater feelings: when I emailed the team to ask about their sweater feelings, my inbox was flooded. What do we like best? Grandpa sweaters. Grandpa Sweaters of all shapes, sizes, patterns and materials.
How do you classify a Grandpa Sweater? If it can be found in the wild on a grandpa, it’s a Grandpa Sweater.
example grandpa. via pixarwallpapers.blogspot.com
And there’s about a hundred different ways to wear Grandpa Sweater in a queer fashion. Here’s a few of them! So sit back with your pumpkin spice latté, your tams and your fingerless Fall gloves and order yourself some.
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Rachel’s Look: Bold Solid Colors
“I got it from Goodwill, it’s got a rolled neck and the rest of the body is moss stitch, it’s acrylic but still super soft and warm. I originally bought it planning to use it to make a cat bed for my cat but then I fell in love.”
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Bonus Grandpa Points: shoulder patches.
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Kristen’s (and Minnie the Cat’s) Look: Greyscale
Kristen: “I snagged this grandpa sweater at a major discount when I was thrifting during a spring heatwave. (Always shop off season kiddos!) Given that it was already loved/worn/washed I didn’t have to worry about accidentally shrinking it to kitty sized. It is the softest piece of clothing I own and I am all about the snuggles.”
Minnie: (Did not express a love of her sweater)
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Bonus Grandpa Points: shawl collars, elbow patches and toggles.
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Lizz’s Look: The Subtle Stripe
“I bought this sweater at Harry Potter World in Orlando because I obviously really needed it. It’s theoretically some limited edition sweater like the ones from the movies. Once I got home I realized that few people were ever going to be able to recognize it for its true Harry Potter awesomeness. Fortunately it looks awesome anyways. I love to pair it with a V-neck, skinny jeans and black military boots when I feel gross but have to look moderately put together. Everyone just thinks “Oh look at that cute sweater with that adorable stripe at the bottom.” No one realizes I’m actually wearing it because I’m super lazy and it’s wicked comfy.”
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Bonus Grandpa Points: some not so subtle stripes.
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Vanessa’s Look: Argyle!
“I love grandpa sweaters because they are cozy and comfy and they mean fall is here and I can drink warm beverages and go apple picking and curl up by my non-existent fire place. I like them because when my girlfriend wears them she looks handsome and dapper, and when I wear them I feel casual and sexy and you can make ’em fancy or dress ’em down and really they feel as though they are perfect for every occasion. This is my newest grandpa sweater and I got it for $5 at a men’s sample sale.”
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Bonus Grandpa Points: extra baggy sweaters
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Ali’s Look: Cable Knit
“I am not even gonna pretend this is mine. I stole it from my girlfriend who has a whole closet full of grandpa sweaters. But it’s my favorite because it’s so floppy that the sleeves can cover my hands if I so choose. And of course because it’s cable knit. As a knitter, I have a great appreciation for cabling. That shit’s hard.”
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Bonus Grandpa Points: cable knit mixed with Fair Isle.
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Carmen’s Look: Patterns, Patterns, Patterns!
“Charlotte gave me my grandpa sweater because even though it was slightly too small it was warm and she knew I needed a gift. I wore it to Thanksgiving dinner in an attempt to feel covered in my soon-to-come battles at the dinner table; instead I ate a brownie and laughed my ass off. It’s super goofy and it fits nice with leggings as pants when I have a hot chocolate in tow. I love it.”
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Bonus Grandpa Points: woodland animals.
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Kate’s Look: Accessorizing The Grandpa Sweater
“I acquired sweater #1 from a friend. It has leather triangles sewn into the pattern and it’s a little bit too big for me. I wear it with lil black skinny jeans and run around like I am a four year old. Sweater #2 is a vintage 80s Calvin Klein sweater I stole from my uncle. I can wear it over everything but something about a bowtie really completes it.”
The Discerning Butch: A Gift Guide for the Masculine-of-Center Person In Your Life
It was my birthday a few days ago, so happy birthday to me. My original plans for the day were eating chocolate ice cream for breakfast and then testing Philadelphia’s public nudity laws by naked suntanning on the back deck where I am house-sitting. I ended up going to Little Pete’s and drinking pear cider while watching Nora Ephron movies, which, if you ask me, is a damn good way to celebrate 22 years of existence.
And this brings us to an important point: say you wanted to buy me a belated birthday gift. Say you were looking for something that would complement my edgy haircut and boyish charm. I’ve been told more than a few times that lady-bois such as myself are a hard bunch to buy for, so I’ve done you the favor and compiled the ultimate gift guide for all the masculine of center people in your life. Androgynous? Check. Super cool? Check. Gets you mad queer street cred? Checkity check. Plus, the best way to get your boi crush to make out with you is to give them items that will increase their already impressive swagger.
An important thing: you may notice that there are no fitted items of clothing on this list. As many a masculine of center person will tell you, there is no hell quite like the mens fitting room. Shopping for masculine clothing when your body is anything but masculine can be an intense and daunting task, and a highly personal one. Even if you know your boi’s sizes, I highly recommend another gift idea. There are so many less triggering presents out there that are even cooler than a pair of shorts or a good dress shirt, and they don’t run the risk of being an upsetting item to try on.
1. Boi Jewelry
I call it Boi Jewelry because it’s not your uncle-who-runs-a-car-dealership’s-man-jewelry and it’s not your this-is-kind-of-androgynous-from-Forever-21-jewelry. I’m really into wood and leather right now because it makes me feel like I’m drinking an expensive glass of cognac while sitting on the stump of a tree I have just felled with my axe. It also communicates that I am simultaneously down to earth and classy. I’m kind of obsessed with this cardinal skull necklace and braille message ring, too.
2. Lighters
You don’t need to be a smoker to own a lighter. A lighter is just one of those neat things that comes in handy for a million reasons. Are you lighting a bunch of candles in anticipation of a romantic evening? You need a lighter. Are you at a concert and need to show your enthusiasm? You need a lighter. Also if there is a cute girl standing outside the bar who asks if you have a light, you’re going to need a lighter. I love lighters because the quality ones cost enough to be stand alone gifts, and if you refill them, they last a lifetime. Think of all the memories your boi and their lighter will make together, the places they’ll go. You haven’t just given them a thoughtful present – you’ve given them a best friend for life. Also, I have a lot of feelings about this PBR Zippo because I am “that guy”.
Neighborhood Naval Zippo Lighter, Zippo Brass Lighter, In God We Trust Lighter, Homage Lighter, Eyechart Zippo, S.T. Dupont Lighter Gold
3. Flasks
You don’t need to drink alcohol to own a flask. (Do you see the pattern here? Okay, good.) You can fill your flask with juice, or chocolate milk. All of a sudden you are 200% cooler drinking your chocolate milk in public. Take a swig of your chocolate milk flask during class, and you’re the mysterious boi with a tortured past. Girls will be crawling all over you to uncover your dark secrets, but you won’t be able to teach them the ways of the secular flesh because you’ll be too busy refilling your sexy pin-up flask! Or you can get a space flask because space! Note: do not actually fill your flash with chocolate milk. Chocolate milk doesn’t rinse out of the flask particularly well and it will probably make whatever else you put in there taste a little funny. Unless you like your whiskey with a note of Nesquik. You do you.
Distressed Old Barn Siding Flask, IZOLA Flask, Cedar Plank Flask, Cheers Motherfucker Flask, J. Crew Flask
4. Watches
What time is it? Time to be awesome. A classic timepiece is the ultimate accessory. It’s classy because it shows you take the extra effort to look at your wrist instead of lighting up your iPhone. It dresses up an outfit and gives you that extra air of professionalism that maybe your undercut has been undermining. And it comes in a wide range of styles that communicate everything from sensitive bookworm to important/powerful businessperson. I received this watch by WeWood for Christmas and it’s pretty much the greatest. I also used to rock a Nixon and stand by that brand forever.
Nixon Rotolog Darl Walnut Wood Jump Hour Watch, Vestal Monte Carlo, Vestal Rosewood Watch in Bamboo, “Sometimes” by Denis Guidone, Casio Classic Digital
5. Bow Ties and Ties
What do gentlequeers love more than cats and brunch? Being dapper, duh. It’s pretty hard to get more dapper than a bow tie, but it’s equally hard to go wrong with just about any form of neck accessory. Let’s face it: they make ladies melt, and they turn an already adorable queer into freaking Prince Charming. A high quality bowtie lasts a long time, is super convenient for every possible occasion your boi could encounter, and it shows that you’re drawing attention to their neck, a.k.a. you want to leave hickies there. I am a bowtie homo myself, but isn’t this tie just the absolute cutest? I want to throw a tea party and give these away as favors.
J. Crew Classic Grey Tie, Lanvin New Alber Oversized Bow Tie, Fox and Brie Cornflower Bow Tie, Alexander Olch Slim Checkered Tie, Forage Thistle Bow Tie, Neighbour Silk Tie Navy and White Dots
6. Eyewear
Remember how you didn’t need to smoke or drink to own a lighter or flask? You don’t need a prescription to own eyeglasses either. Thanks to something called a “hipster,” it’s totally cool to wear glasses as accessories. Your boi can mix and match to accessorize the “dapper professor of gender studies” look, or the “semi-douchey record store queer” look. Sunglasses are rad because they have actual health benefits like protecting your eyesight, and come in a wide range of styles, including frat boy chic and Gatsby-era nerd. I was given these Persols for my birthday and they are perfect. I’ve been known to lust over this look, too, if only because my inner Rachel Maddow just wants to get out and play.
Spitfire Autotuner Sunglasses, Neff Daily Sunglasses in Red, Raf Simons Aviators, Ray Ban Clubmaster Sunglasses, Garret Leight Kinney D-Frame, Bottega Veneta Square Frame Glasses , Selima Optique Round Frame Glasses
7. Hats
Remember when Paige wore the beanie on Pretty Little Liars? We were like, oh man, she is definitely so gay now. Hats are super gay, and that’s why they’re just the best. Fedoras? Unavoidably gay. Beanies? You 20-something queer, you. Snapbacks and fitted caps? Cocky but charming rascals. Trucker hats? Okay, so you’re *that* dyke at the pride parade, but you own it. Hats are great for edgy haircuts because edgy haircuts have bad days, too, and hats are like concealer for the top of your head. I have an incredibly large and unnecessary amount of hats, but I have no regrets whatsoever.
Paul Smith Ribbed Beanie, Comme des Fuck Down Beanie, Brixton Gain Fedora, Boater Straw Hat, Rag and Bone Straw Fedora, Bean Dip Broadway Snapback, AnmlHse Party Anmls 5 Cap, Arizona Retro Snapback, The Quiet Life Cosmos Panel Cap, Norse Projects Cord Cap
8. Backpacks
What else is your boi going to carry all of their school supplies and erotic novels and sex toys in? Backpacks remind us of our childhood, which remind us of the nineties, which remind us that nineties nostalgia is in right now, so backpacks are cool again. They’re probably the handiest thing you could get a queer, since they’re perfect for bikes, utilitarian as shit, and look great with a couple carabiners clipped on – one for your set of keys and the other for your nesting girlfriend’s keys! I absolutely positively swear by my Duluth pack and take it everywhere with me because it a) still looks so great and b) can hold everything I own. Give your boi something that says “I want to explore you like Dora” or “I want to be attached to you via harness just like this backpack.”
Navy Backpack by Fab, Jansport Celestial Backpack, True Green Backpack, Herschel Supply Pop Quiz Bag in Rust, Yuketan Bodega Backpack, Bill Amberg Hunter Backpack
9. Kicks
I once met a guy who told me he was an “unapologetic sneakerhead.” I thought he sounded like a douche, but then I realized that I totally knew what he meant! Kicks are an essential part of every boi’s wardrobe. Why do you think we get so many comparisons to Justin Bieber? Because that boy likes his kicks, and we like his kicks, and his kicks look even better on us than they do on him. Kicks are a fantastic present because they’re in that splurge price range, and damn do they look good. I have been harboring a massive crush on these Jeremy Scott x Adidas ones for a long time, but since my money tree didn’t make it through the harsh weather of college, that’s probably not happening any time soon.
Supra Cuttler Midtop Sneaker, Nike Dunk High AC TZ / Medium Grey, Supra Red and White Vaider High Tops, Hamachi Mens Chivalrous Culture Kicks, Common Projects Sneakers
10. Music Accessories
Speakers, headphones, and music players are my go-to gift for all of my friends’ birthdays. Why? Because everyone loves music. Name one person you know who doesn’t listen to music and enjoy it. You can’t, because they don’t exist. They will never exist, their existence is a lie, and no one should hold their breath waiting to meet a music hater. Also, let’s talk bank and the making of said bank, because music accessories are typically in that price range just above what you’d spend on yourself, but not too expensive for reasonable presents. Plus, they can look as nifty as they sound. Wearing cool headphones in public is totally a thing, and come on, look at this speaker hidden in a log. Isn’t that the best thing ever? Don’t you want to buy it right now? You should, because the boi in your life would totally be into it.
Eskuche Headphones, Nixon Wire 8mm Headphones, Pro-Ject Debut III Audiophile Turntable, 80s Boombox Portable Digital Music Player, Ozaki iSuppli Gramo iPhone, Audio Wood Turntable
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Runner-Up: Swag 4 Phone
We live in an age when phones are basically an extension of ourselves – if I go out and realize I don’t have my phone, I feel as if I have forgotten to wear pants, or as if someone has forcibly ripped my arm from its socket and beaten me repeatedly with the limb. Our phones say something about who we are, and I want my phone to say that I’m either super gay or super cool. My current iPhone cover does both, as it features Joan Holloway, which shows that I’m into fantastic television and super fantastic ladies. Or maybe you’re into Miyazaki films, or Batman riding a dinosaur. Either way, guess who is happy? You, and the lucky boi with new phone swag.
Buckle Up and Bike In Style: The Autostraddle Helmet Guide
Attention, Autostraddlers who also straddle bicycles! I know you! I see you around all the time! You have your awesome kicks and your sporty messenger bags and your shiny reflectors, but many of you do not have helmets that are right for you! In fact, many of you don’t have helmets at all. Perhaps you think yours is ugly, or you don’t want to mess up your ALH, or you “forgot it at home.” It’s ok. I know you’re sheepish, but I also know you’re ready to change your ways. I know you realize that any dyke on any bike is sexy but any traumatic brain injury is not. Are you interested in transporting yourself efficiently, looking cute AND not perishing? Excellent! Here are some helmets that will keep you safe and stylish.
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Giro Section Multi-Sport Helmet
$30-$55
Minimalist design at an appropriately minimalist price, the Giro Section looks like a puzzle piece for your cranium. It’s lightweight and sits low on your head, so you have a higher likelihood of being on time for work or catching that cute girl who blew past you at the intersection. It also comes in unobtrusive colors, like black and brick, so it can match your lower three quartiles.
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Bern Macon Summer Matte EPS Helmet with Visor
$45-$60
A great addition to your colorblocked wardrobe, this helmet has vents to cool you off while making your head look like it’s topped by rays of sunshine. A visor insert keeps the glare out of your eyes so you can watch for potholes and read the lower back tattoo of the person in front of you without squinting. Pick one that matches your snow jacket if you bike year-round or do some icy XTreme sport; you can even swap out the summer lining for a warmer winter one. The very similar Brighton comes in softer colors.
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Nutcase Helmets
$60
If bike riding always puts you in a particular mood and you want your fellow bikers to know that, a Nutcase Helmet might be for you. Are you proud of your helmet’s precious cargo? Show it off by covering it with a “Glo-Brain.” Do you ride like the British are coming? Perhaps the “Union Jack” is appropriate. Are you one of those people who disobeys traffic laws? Warn everyone with a “Danger” or an “Urban Caution” (pictured). If you’re interested in sending a message that’s subtler but still bold, you can go for a more abstract design or a solid color. The Nutcase also has a spin dial and several sets of removeable foam inserts, so it will hug your noggin just right.
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Yakkay Helmets & Covers
$60-$140
Do you love masquerades and palindromes? The Yakkay might be for you! One lightweight, neutral-colored helmet + one hat-shaped “cover” = one piece of protective gear coyly pretending to be something it’s not. Put on the “Cambridge Stripe” and be mistaken for a zebra equestrian or wear the subtly rainbow “Tokyo New Jazz” and get safely to the venue and through the door. Or get a bunch of covers and pick one according to your outfit/mood/coin flip. The stainless steel buckles are a classy touch, and probably match your kickstand.
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Belle Helmets
$150-$300
“Tropical Storm”
Your brain is one-of-a-kind; maybe you want your helmet to be too! Illustrator Danielle Baskin hand-paints these helmets herself, so each one is a protective covering, a fashion statement and a conversation piece when it’s slung over the back of your office chair. Some of them are educational as well, so you can teach your co-commuters about geography or the solar system. And if you send her your own helmet to paint, she’ll even give you a discount!
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Hovding, The Invisible Bike Helmet
3998 Sek, or $600
Once upon a time, two Swedish designers wanted to bicycle safely without sacrificing comfort or fashion so they worked for seven years, raised ten million dollars in venture capital and came up with this. You wear the collar around your neck and sensors within it keep track of your body. If your movements indicate you’re going to fall, an airbag releases and surrounds your head like a hood, protecting it from impact. This is more than a bike helmet; it’s the first ripple of the wave of the future! And it’s yet more proof that no matter what some ignoramuses think, women make fantastic inventors, engineers, and entrepreneurs.
So there you have it — helmets that are bold, helmets that are pretending not to be helmets, helmets that are art and helmets that will save the world. All guaranteed to keep you looking smashing and feeling smash-free. Happy trails!
The Hottest Summer Swim Boyshorts for the Hottest Summer Bois and Grrrls
Boyshorts are the most magical of all swimwear bottoms. Boyshorts can range from the barely there femme-cuts to the vintage style men’s swim trunks and all the good stuff in between. It’s like someone was looking around and realized there were all these amazing women for whom board shorts or bikini bottoms just weren’t cutting it. Women who wanted a little added coverage or needed to fulfill a deep desire to dress like a 1920s male beach model. Who knows? Maybe some women just wanted to play beach volleyball without getting sand all up in their good bits.
If you’ve been hanging around for a while, you’ve probably already read the Autostraddle Swimsuit Edition. Still, it’s a new year and a new summer and I thought you just might want to take a fresh look at some cute boyshorts. Be all in the moment with it. Besides, it’s about halfway through the summer and there is a 50% chance your favorite boyshorts are lost/ripped/in your friend’s car forever.
So here they are, in decreasing amount of coverage: my very favorites at this very moment.
When in doubt, you can never go wrong with Speedo. A little bit longer and skin tight, these are perfect if you plan on doing any actual beach sports or body surfing.
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Neon is huge right now, and there’s no reason your ass should get as much color as your cheeks and shoulders. Plus these are only $10!
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I love these shorts because they have that faux layered look where you get all the hip layering street cred with none of the bulk.
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If it isn’t immediately clear to you, these boyshorts are designed to look like denim cut-offs. And isn’t that just exactly what we all secretly want to be wearing to the beach?
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These boyshorts adorably combine a vintage men’s trunks style pipping with a more femme tie and pattern.
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For a super short vintage trunk look, without femme ties or patterns, these boyshorts are a win. Plus the color combo is to die for.
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If anyone tries to tell you American flag boyshorts aren’t the coolest swimwear on the block you can just tell them “Screw you, that’s unpatriotic.” These boyshort are tight, short and pictured from the back for a reason.
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Hugo Boss really knows how to make tight swimshorts for men, but these will look even better on you. I love the combination of the European masculine cut in the pink color.
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Diesel always comes through with amazing boyshorts in the form of their Aloha Swim Trunk. These particular ones have a wicked cool mini front zipper! Think of all the things you could store in that tiny pocket. Hair ties? Gum? Contact lens case?
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Brooklyn-based Marimacho is “classic fashion for the unconventionally masculine.” Their 1920s superman swim brief is produced in a socially responsible factory in NYC with an eye towards fit. It’s a queer girl’s dream come true.
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All the benefits of the Super Boi Swim Brief, but in aqua. Hawt.
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If you’re just looking for a great black shorty short boyshort to that goes with everything, Nike is the way to go. These shorts have the added benefit of athletic looking (but secretly slimming, if you’re into that) white stripes.
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Body Glove Time Warp Side Kick Bottom
Teeny tiny but athletically cut, Body Glove’s boyshorts live up to their name. These are just perfect if you want shorts that are truly barely there.–get ’em
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I’m not sure if these even qualify as boyshorts, but if those pockets and buttons aren’t the damn cutest thing I’ve ever seen I don’t know what is.
Eileen Myles’ Perfect Tote Bag Exists and You Can Have It
Buried deep within all the weirdness and perfection and magic of Eileen Myles’ Inferno is a line in which Myles casually mentions her fantasy totebag: “The bag I wanted was beyond reason — something to hold my poems, twice as big as the universe and it must be androgynous.” That does sound perfect! Too bad for all of us that it doesn’t exist. OR DOES IT??!
In a moment of inspiration, OR Books, who published Inferno, decided that fantasy could be a reality. According to Fernanda Diaz, OR’s publicity manager, “After a brilliant find by our production manager, Courtney, of a line in Inferno about Eileen’s perfect tote bag, we decided to actually make it, and include the line on the bag.” It is everything we might dream for it to be.
Aside from broadcasting a love of both practical carry-alls and Eileen Myles, this bag seems like it would be excellent for carrying more Eileen Myles books, sandwiches, umbrellas, knitting, secret lockpicking kits, maps to hidden treasure, your wallet, a dummy wallet in case you get mugged, slugs to sell in the subway, your laptop, your poetry notebooks, oranges or other citrus fruit, Triscuits, a pack of cards, chewing gum, ibuprofen, your diary, a hairbrush, and possibly a bunny or small dog if it’s very well-behaved. It’s twice as big as the universe; you can put pretty much anything you want in it.
The bags are available now at OR’s online store, and also made of 100% recycled cotton. (Also, they sell books there. So, you know, if that’s something you’re into.)
Sneaker Feature II: Sneakerheads, Customizers and Chicks in Kicks
Our first Sneaker Feature was an overview on the importance of kicks in hip hop and queer culture, a look at how I’ve connected to sneakers and a top ten of basic but fashionable kicks to get you going on the road to fly footwear. Hopefully, you enjoyed it and are ready for a deeper look into the elements that make up kick culture and ways for you to dive into the world all on your own.
When I don’t know a lot about something (I’m not in any way a sneaker expert, aka a “sneakerhead,” nor am I professing to know all of the history and nuances of sneaker culture. I’m just a chick that likes kicks and wants to share what I’ve learned with all of you.), which is like everyday of my life, I go to the library. Seriously, Google-ing might be the first instinct, but if I respect a topic enough, off to the Bronx Library Center I go. So like all good sexy nerdy queers, let’s start with some books on sneakers.
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Kick Books Not Rocks
1) Sneaker Freaker: The Book (written and edited by Simon Wood) is a compilation of articles featured in Sneaker Freaker magazine. SF was created by Australian Sneakerhead, Simon Wood in 2002 as a way to pay homage to the growing international interest in sneaker culture and also “to get free kicks.” The collection as a whole is just so sick. Interviews with hip hop artists, the creators of the SB Dunks and pages of custom kicks featuring everything from graphics of SpongeBob’s face to rainbow stars fill its pages. You can also check out sneakerfreaker.com for the most up to date sneaker shit. And by shit, I mean awesomeness.
2) Art & Sole: Contemporary Sneaker Art & Design (created by Intercity) is where construction meets the artistry of customization and the community created through collaboration. From Art & Sole:
Permanently associated with creative subcultures such as hip hop and skateboarding, the sneaker scene has always been connected with creativity and this book sets out to document the current state of this relationship.
With the super-detailed blueprints of sneaker design in this book, you might be able to create your very own custom kick. DIY, baby.
3) Kicks Japan (ed. Okazaki, Manami and Johnson, Geoff). The sneaker culture in Japan is probably the most creative, dynamic, and fucking brilliant space in the world. This book captures all that along with in-depth interviews featuring Japan’s hottest customizers and solid pages of everyday high-fashion sneakerheads running around in kicks people like me only dream of. Cop this shit.
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Documentary Status
Need a documentary to back up your feelings about sneakers with facts? Check out Air Force 1: Anatomy of An Urban Legend by French director Thibaut de Longeville. It’s super official, pulling you into the world of Rucker Park, Old school Philly sneaker customizers and the warp speed spread of love in the hood for the Air Force 1. This was also one of my first gigs as a PA and I got to work/tagalong while the entire East Coast segment was filmed!
Also by Thibaut de Longeville: Just fot Kicks: A Documentary about Sneakers, Hip Hop and the Corporate Game. It’s available on Netflix.
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Customize to Taste
Ya’ll are savvy as hell and I dig that, but let’s just assume no one here has ever heard of sneaker customizing. See, that’s an easy way for all people to start at the same level of something and now we can all learn together.
Sneaker customizing is a highly-respected urban art form, like graffiti murals, street art and breakdancing. Customizing for sneakers is like tattooing for skin. It enhances what is naturally dope and fits it to your individual aesthetic. It begins with a plain white pair of sneakers, adds on a carefully thought-out design that gets placed into the hands of some of the most gifted artists in the scene and ends with a pair of kicks owned by no one else in the world. THAT is the golden rule of sneakerhead culture: exclusivity trumps rock, paper and scissors.
Fetti D’Biasi is one of the top sneaker artists in the world. Also, much love to her because she’s a Bronx native like me! Hey, girl, heyyyy. Anyone can get their kicks customized, long as you don’t mind the wait and have some cash to blow. Hit up Fetti via FB or her website, sneakerfairy.com, and get yers.
The world of customizing is the perfect combination of dedicated sneaker artists, an insatiable international kick community and you doing you in one fucking pair of shoes. Here are some other highly recommended customizers (Shouts to graphic artist, Amor Killz, for the recs.)
Female Sneaker Fiend dot com has a badass list of the best female customizers in all the land. Seriously, start there…
D(eye)-no-mite! by Amanda Yoa via femalesneakerfiend.com
Still not satisfied? Then try The Flight Crew courtesy of Proof Culture or Michael Miller’s New Ground Customs.
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Kick. Push. Tumblr.
1) Chicksandkicks dot tumblr dot com for pics like the one below.
2) Sneaky dot tumblr dot com is the place where “sneakers are an obsession” (Aaaand the site is constantly being updated.)
3) Hot Girls In Sneakers dot tumblr dot com
4) And of course, the obligatory fuck yeah sneakers tumblr
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Oh You Fancy, Huh?
This post wouldn’t be complete without showcasing the ridiculous lengths shoe companies and artists go to create top-of-the-line, hyper-exclusive kicks targeted towards the obsessed sneakerhead. Now the following trainers may induce feelings of awe, distortion of reality and high levels of insecurity brewing from the shoes you have on your feet. Don’t be alarmed; that shit is totally normal. Alternatively, you might suck your teeth really hard and wonder why the f*ck anyone would spend money on these overpriced shoes when there are children and puppies that need saving. That is also normal, especially for Autostraddle readers. Onward ho.
1) The 35th Anniversary Limited Edition ADIDAS Superstar – Constructed from Premium Leather, the ADIDAS 35 rests inside a white leather lockbox and comes fully loaded with a gold shoe horn, Sandalwood Last and a cleaning kit. Released in 2008 for about $5,000, this set is almost non-existent; if you find it though, send me pics of them on your feet.
2) The Reebok Top Down Basquiat – I’ve been in love with this kick since it dropped and have exhausted my resources on finding it for purchase online. If you find it, holy crap send me the link! Again, so so amazing. I love Basquiat and there’s a whole entire line of Basquiat-inspired sneakers.
3) The Nike Galaxy Foamposites – All I’m gonna say is these kicks allegedly fetched $70,000 at an NBA All-Star auction…
I was wondering where that $70,000 I had laying around the crib went...
4) The Adidas Shackle/Handcuff Sneakers – These kicks win the WTF award from me and from the New York Times.
Holy crap, sneaker overload. Burns so good, doesn’t it? Watch out for the final installment of the AS Sneaker Feature Series where we proceed to give you what you need to help you keep the kicks you have in the crispiest of conditions. We’ll also highlight the best of the best of the sneakers you shared with us in the comments section, so keep them coming along with any books, tumblrs, collectibles and other useful kick-related links below. Also, would you wear any of these limited edition sneakers? Discuss. Tell me the things.
How To: Find A Bra That Fits Your Dapper Bod
For years I have had a love/hate relationship with my girls. I call them my girls, not my breasts and definitely not my tits. It all started after college when they continued to grow and grow, making me feel weighed down and completely out of proportion. With every small pound gained or lost, it seemed that my boobs would hold on steady. As an active person, I was constantly wearing sports bras to keep them flat and slightly hidden, but I suffered from back, shoulder, and neck pain.
I spent a lot of time and a lot of money going to various department stores to try to find the “right bra.” For years, I wore the same size and even the same brand because that’s how I am. If it works, buy it in three colors. But still they never seemed quite right.
I was introduced to Iris Lingerie through a friend who also shares the big boob gene. She told me that Iris was her go-to woman for the right bra, so I went down to see what was cooking in the secret sauce. I was greeted by the lovable, cheery Iris Clarke. I told her that I was pretty sure I was a 34DD. She eyeballed the girls and called out to her assistant to bring out the first bra for me to try. Much to my horror it didn’t fit. The girls were not even close to fitting in this bra. What? I was dumbfounded. But I’ve been wearing this size forever! So we try another one, then another one, and then another one and finally the girls sat snugly in a much, much bigger size. I was defeated, shocked, and mildly horrified. I mean, I knew they were big but DAYUM, on my 135lb frame that just seemed laughable. But Iris was not horrified. She thought it was great and told me they were beautiful. I rolled my eyes and decided to call myself Butch Barbie. I dropped $100 bucks on one black and one nude because seriously, what else does a butch need?
dapperq's susan herr finds her perfect match
I walked out of the salon with the perkiest boobs ever. When Susan Herr of dapperQ and I got started talking about segments to produce, I knew that this had to be the first one. Feeling comfortable in your body might take a lifetime for some of us, but at least you can start by getting the girls fitted right.
Check out the video of our trip to Iris Lingerie!
Originally published on Robin Cloud Comedy da BLOG!. Republished with permission.
Find Susan Herr on dapperQ.
Sneaker Feature: Kicks are for Queers
Sneakers. Trainers. Jumps. Takkies. Stomps. Tennis. Chucks. Dunks. Gutties. Skunks. Runners. Kicks.
via chicksandkicks.tumblr.com
Call them what you will, but please don’t ever say that a sneaker is just a sneaker, ‘least not to my face. These days kicks cross cultural, racial, economic and sexuality-based boundaries. They’ve become some of the most versatile and mainstream accessories with which to adorn the body. Trainers transcend the hood, cross into your queer community and do kick flips across half-pipes without ever really needing to be laced. Sneakers are the universal sign for “I got this.”
But I’m sure you know this wasn’t always the case. I’m sure you know that at one point sneakers were little things that athletes wore to keep from breaking ankles and to get a little bounce in their game. I won’t get into the history of kicks because there are documentaries and books that do a way better job of that, but I will say this: hip-hop did it. Old school rap artists like Run-DMC and celebrities embraced by rap culture, like Michael “The best basketball player in the whole world, ever” Jordan pushed sneakers from being athletic to being aesthetic. Run-DMC and their ode to A.D.I.D.A.S. shuttled shell-toed sneakers onto the block and into the consciousness of urban youth as things they so needed to rock, like on their feet, like yesterday.
The crispier, more expensive and rarer, the better. My kicks need to be my own and your kicks well…you do you. We compare kicks and comment on how badass they are and MCs drop them into lyrics, so we sing the sneaker electric without even realizing it until that one pair, the pair that stops all tracks and beats dead — the must have. Hip hop did this and now the rest of the world runs on rubber soles. And let’s be real, hip-hop heads and queers are always on the up and up when it comes to trendy shit.
We are some fashionable mofos. (I mean just look at Lizz for cristalsakes.) We queermos have pulled sneakers into that reflective space; the space that says, “Look at how fly I am. I’m queer. I’m fashionable and you wish you had these kicks.” In many ways, wearing sneakers aids in signaling out elements of our various presentations. So let’s discuss shit for a second, shall we? And by discuss shit, I mean let’s talk about me. I promise this is all really about sneakers.
My mother forced me to have a Sweet 16. Seriously, I wanted to die the entire time it was being planned and for most of the time it was happening. All of the things had to get did: hair, nails, fittings, make-up and learning how to walk in heels. Why, you ask? Why did I need to know how to walk in heels? Well, My Sweet 16 ceremony included the idea that I’d walk down an aisle to my awaiting father in blue and red low-top Nikes. He’d sit me in a chair and remove my sneakers, replacing them with lavender heels to match my lavender chiffon dress.
that hair took like 5 hours to make, btw.
This totally happened. It was supposed to signify the end of me being tomboy and the beginning of my life as a fancy, femme, high-heel wearing woman. Much to my mother’s dismay, those blue and red Nikes were back on my feet before the night was over. I should have known then that my connection to kicks would become a lifestyle choice.
In this big old mainstream world, women are supposed to wear heels if they want to be sexy, accepted, desired, acknowledged and all that other shit. End of story.
Note: There is NOTHING wrong with wearing heels. In fact, if you can rock them right, it’s sexy as hell and beautiful and all types of women/people/teddybears should wear all of the things that make them feel sexy. This piece in no way passes judgment on heel-rockin’ peoples.
But when you’re a dykey little queermo like I was, and you feel like a clutzy overweight foal clomping around in heels, the pressure to wear them is/was fucking nauseating.
Anxiety-inducing.
Insecurity-rousing.
Self-hatred-boosting.
Womanhood-denying.
These are all the verb-jectives that describe my relationship with not only high-heels, but most other shoes designed for the feet of feminine and (ideally) heterosexual women. So just like when I came out, the decision to say, “fuck it” and embrace my love of kicks came from the fact that I refused to live in presentational misery. Wearing sneakers made me feel fly as fuck. And kick culture is imbedded in my urban upbringing. We used to say that we wore kicks cuz you never knew when you might need to run from cops, hop a fence or stomp a fool. Mostly, we wanted to look cool because we were too nerdy to get in any actual trouble. But also, who among us can really vault a fence in heels without breaking an ankle? No one. Stop lying. You know you can’t.
So long story long, sneakers are my footwear/lifestyle choice. They aid in letting other queermos know I play for Team Homo. (C’mon, a well-dressed queer in some limited edition Pumas that match their bow-tie, leggings, sundress, plaid-shirt and/or fedora, always puts a blip on my gaydar. But maybe that’s just me.) Sneakers connect me to my hood, to what I find fashionable and keep me close to the little girl that still likes to pounce puddles on the playground.
In my quest to share all of me with all of you, I asked Riese-Oprah-Jesus if I could do a post on sneakers. The homoheavens opened up and realized that such a post had not yet been made and so I was bestowed with the honor of making it so. Reaching out to certain members of the AS fold, one Hot Associate Editor Laura Wooley reached back and together we created this random but fly list of kicks for you to rock this summer.
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Top Ten Kicks for Ballers of All Income Levels
brought to you by Laura Wooley and Me
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Diesel Hi-Top GZ-212
Price: $28.99
Gabby: Classic doesn’t always mean black and white, right? Try these Diesel kicks for color and a bit of dandified flair. (I apologize in advance for the limited sizes with this pair.)
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Sperry Top-Sider CVO
Price: $50.99
Gabby: If shoes could be dycons, then Sperry’s would win the super laid back but versatile award. They’d also probably knock out Doc Marten’s for queer shoe of the year, but this would only be the case if shoes had gay award shows.
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Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star Reform Hi-Top
Price: $55.99
Gabby: A solid pair of Converse is one of those key items that could potentially go with everything. These won’t burst your budget and they’ll totally up your mack stats.
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Nike 6.0 BRAATA LR Mid/ Rogue Green
Price: $65.99
Laura: I mostly buy my sneakers from the clearance rack at the Nike store. The one by me almost always has last seasons designs on sale for 50% off and you know what? Last season’s shoes are good enough for me. Not to mention the leftovers are usually really amazing colors because everyone else was afraid that glow-in-the-dark shoes might be overkill.
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Aldo Dorgan
Price: $70.00
Laura: I can’t help myself, I want these shoes. I’ve been making eyes at them every day when I walk past the shoe store on the way to work. If I had these shoes, I would have no option but to stomp around like a lady and get shit done.
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TopShop Aerobic Wedge Heel Trainers
Price: $96.00
Gabby: Unfortunately, they’re sold out of the black but these silver ones shine. TopShop is kind of the shit, for real.
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G Star Raw Men’s Skirmish
Price: $70.00
Laura: If I was blessed with all the money in the world and big feet, I would own all the G-Star Raw shoes. They’re all svelte and European and sexy, which are qualities that are hard to come by in a sneaker/trainer-if-you’re-savvy.
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Nike Air Yeezy All White
Price: $81.59
Gabby: I wasn’t too sure how the glow in the dark sneaker thing would turn out until I saw these. Also, the name Air Yeezy makes me think about a flying dog that can rap and how if that idea ever became a movie, it’d make probably a billion dollars.
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Puma Clyde X Undefeated Snakeskin
Price: $47.00
Gabby: I just have a thing for red kicks, man.
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Puma Mihara Mid Union Jack
Price: $150.00
Gabby: If flag prints on things is offensive to you, then my bad. The Union Jack reminds me of this really hot British chick I fell in love with once and I love sneakers so…These.
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marc by Marc Jacobs Calf Dorada Sneaker Wedge
Price: $452.00
Gabby: Oh, you fancy, huh?
This list isn’t intended to be the be all end all of all the sneakers in the land! It’s just a little list intended to kick start your summer footwear. What types of sneakers do you like? Or do you hate sneakers and wish everyone just wore flip flops? Tell us about it.
Also, be on the look out for Sneaker Feature: Kicks are for Queers B-Sides with bits on hot sneaker-based tumblrs, customization and limited edition collector kicks.
Tea, Nectar of the Gods, and Things to Drink it With
click for more on a-camp
We all have a lot of feelings about tea. Good feelings! Slightly less good feelings! Scared and anxious feelings! It’s okay, we understand. There’s a lot of tea out there. A lot of decisions to be made. Take a deep breath, you don’t have to do this all at once. We all love a good peppermint or chamomile, a nice Irish Breakfast. Still, though, it’s worth maybe opening your heart and mind to some new options. Did you know that chocolate mint tea
Whatever kind of tea we choose to drink, we can agree that we need something to drink tea out of. Ideally, something totally awesome. There’s nothing worse than looking forward to a nice cup of tea all day to have a mug of lukewarm water with a dusty teabag floating on top handed to you unceremoniously. And if you have loose tea (which, duh, you do), then you need some equipment to make sure that you’re getting all that you can out of each tiny little dried-up leaf.
For the tea enthusiast on the go, are you ever frustrated that your leaving-the-house routine is so much more complicated than it is for people who just pour out a cup of coffee and go? Well, maybe that’s just because you don’t have a to-go cup
If you just want to make your tea with some loose tea and then BLAMMO, pour it and drink it, then maybe this is for you! This is a pitcher
There’s also the option to just dunk your tea right in your mug, without extraneous equipment, via the use of a tea strainer. Tea strainers can be metallic or mesh or little spheres — or they can be AWESOME. I have one shaped like a duck! And this one is a DINOSAUR. Are you ready for this cup of tea? No, you’re not.
And for the purist, there’s always teabags — but obvs the earth-friendly reusable ones, which you can dump the tea out of afterwards and then wash by hand or in the machine. Does this make you feel like a character in Portlandia or possible Quinn, Medicine Woman? Enjoy that.
This post goes hand-in-hand with A-Camp’s High Tea with Laneia, Rachel, and Riese.
On Camp: You Need a Pocket Knife
click for more 'on camp'
Regardless of whether you’re using it on a camping trip or just around the house, a pocket knife is hands down one of the Most Important Gadgets you can own. You can do so many things with it: slice cheese, open bottles or even carve the perfect stick for toasting marshmallows. They were the app for that before there was an app for that!
In general, pocket knife blades are smaller than regular knife blades for convenience and transportability. For the most part, the blade will be between 2″ and 4″ long. This may not be a long or strong enough blade if you want to do something like field dress an elk, but if your goals are more along the lines of cutting ropes and vegetables, you should be just fine. Manufacturers use all kinds of materials–from aluminum to wood to bone — to make the handle and all your favorite metals (think carbon and stainless steel) for the blades.
You have so many options at your fingertips when shopping for a knife, so narrowing down what you might use it for is a good place to start . Pocket knives can be as basic as a single blade, or they can hide two blades, three, or more! Maybe you will find a reason to need the Air Force Karambit Rescue Folder Spring Assist Pocket Knife or some scorpion throwing knives. Who knows? Variety is the spice of life.
Then you’ve got multitools. Multitools are perhaps more familiar to you as those little transformer-esque devices that house all kinds of useful tools in their handles. They’re well known for their ability to solve any and all your camping (and life, if we’re being honest) problems.
Make sure you check your new multitool’s list of components before you buy it! It was W.C. Fields who wrote, “Once, in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.” Do not share his fate! Make sure you have a corkscrew and a bottle opener! Check out Amazon’s consumer reviews for a more diverse perspective.
With that in mind, let’s take a look at the frankly frightening array of knives available to you.
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The Classic
The Original, Timeless Swiss Army Knife
Did you know that the Swiss Army knife got its name from U.S. soldiers during World War II who couldn’t pronounce “Schweizer Ofiziersmesser,” the German translation of “Swiss officer’s knife?” And yes — while all Swiss officers have carried a version of the same knife since the 1890s, it has become so popular since then that it is now part of the required gear for all astronauts on the international space station. The Swiss Army knife has evolved with the needs of the Swiss Army, and as of the early 2000s, modern models have been introduced that include features like USB flash drives, digital altimeters, and MP3 players.
You can start small with a keychain-sized baby Swiss Army knife (Sooo many colors! And animal prints!) Or you can go crazypants with the world’s largest Swiss Army knife, the Wenger 16999, which will only set you back $1,000. It definitely won’t fit in your pocket, but it does include a fish scaler, a flashlight and what I’m pretty sure are tools with dental functions.
The thing I really like about Swiss Army knives is that they are engravable, which makes giving and getting them as presents kinda special. There’s something about getting a Swiss Army knife in your favorite color with your initials on it that makes you feel simultaneously loved and ready to assemble furniture.
Price Range: <$10 – $1,000
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Leatherman Multitool
Leatherman multitools were developed by Mr. Timothy Leatherman in the 1908s. Leatherman was inspired to design a “Boy Scout knife with pliers” after spending a large amount of a trip though Europe and the Middle East trying to repair a the repeatedly malfunctioning car he and his wife were travelling in and leaky hotel plumbing. The first prototype of the Leatherman multitool was (unsuccessfully) named “Mr. Crunch.” Unlike Swiss Army knives that are structured predominantly around the central knife blade(s), Leatherman tools are built around a set of pliers, with the other components of the knife stored inside the two handles.
Price Range: <$20 – $100ish
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Gerber Multitool
In the 1930s—- back when they sold camping equipment instead of sex–Abercrombie and Fitch sold Gerber tools in their catalogue. Also! The host of Man vs. Wild uses a Gerber tool on the show. Like Leathermans, Gerber multitools are structured around a set of pliers. But unlike Leathermans, the pliers slide out of the end of the tool rather than folding out. Either way, though, both Leathermans and Gerbers come with cool holsters you can loop through your belt, so everyone’s a winner.
Price Range: $10ish – $50ish
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I have owned and used all three of these multitools and I liked them! Leatherman and Gerber are both relatively young companies and both originate from Portland, where I feel like they have the outdoorsy thing pretty much down to an art form.
It’s worth mentioning that if you aren’t into those and are really serious about buying a KNIFE knife, then there are also fixed-blade pocket knives. Fixed-blade pocket knives aren’t really “pocket” knives at all, since the blade doesn’t have anywhere to god. They’re more what you’d sling on your belt/over your shoulder if you were intent on hunting kinds of activities where it’s less about convenience and accessories than it is about winning the Hunger Games. There’s a menacing selection of fixed blade knives available, some of which come with brass knuckles, spiky bits, and alien heads. Cato and Faith shop here.
Finally, and most awesomely, there are other quirky survival tools that you probably never knew about but will now desperately need.
The 11 Function Credit Card Survival Tool. This thing fits inside your wallet and is smaller than a credit card! It can do so many things! Price: $1.50!
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The SE 6-1 Detachable Knife. It has: all the regular stuff plus cutlery! Price: $4.59. Sporks are so last year.
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Swiss + Tech Keychain Multitool. It has 2 wrenches, 6 screwdrivers, a hand drill, and other things. Price: $8.67
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BodyGuard Emergency Hammer with Seat Belt Cutter and LED. For car-related disasters, this includes a spring-loaded hammer to break the car window, a seat belt cutter for getting yourself free, and a light and a sonic alarm to signal for help. Price: $14.00
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Kershaw Carabiner Tool. It’s a carabiner! It’s a tool! It’s both! Price: $20
Once you have your knife, you need to know a couple last things about it. The experts agree: make sure that the blade is made from quality carbon/steel so it’s able to hold a sharp edge over time and keep it clean and dry. If you’re already on Amazon you can pick up a knife case and a sharpener for these purposes.
Oh also also! Responsibility! Open your knife away from you so you don’t snap the blade down on your fingers when you close it. I got my first pocket knife when I was six and the first thing I did was slice my palm open…so, don’t do that. Also try to avoid situations where a 127 Hours repeat could occur. I like your hands and want them to stay safely away from boulders. You need them more making s’mores and drinking microbrews around the campfire.
Holigay Gift Guide: Food and Cooking Edition
Hey there starship troopers! It’s the holiday season and we’re here to help you get your shit together in a variety of ways: recipes, kits, gift guides, holiday how-tos and so very much more. Come along with us, won’t you, to Autostraddle Holigays 2011! FYI, if you follow the amazon links from our website when making holiday purchases, Autostraddle gets a little percentage of that money via our Amazon affiliates account, so we encourage you to do that All Season Long!! Thank you!
Baking anything, sweet or savory, is awesome. The only part that isn’t awesome is scrubbing baked-on stuff off the baking sheet after. If you are smart, you have realized you can avoid this by consistently using parchment paper or tin foil when you cook. If you are even smarter, however, you will realize that you can buy a reusable baking mat which will be super easy to clean and also not kill trees or aluminum trees or whatever they make tin foil out of every time you want chocolate chip cookies or roasted broccoli.
Chef’s Knife
Remember in Scrooged (the best Christmas movie of all time, bar none) where Bill Murray says “I’ve never liked a girl enough to give her sharp knives before?” That could be you! For someone at all serious about cooking, a good chef’s knife is the best possible thing to own. They can get really pricey, but if you know your gift recipient is struggling with some Target brand bullshit, a Victorinox knife is a good place to start; they’re pretty okay without being too expensive. If you are a billionaire/in true love, you can try a J.A. Henckel or a Wusthof. Maybe you could also get a cute little knife, like this one from Kuhn Rikon which is surprisingly adorable? If your friend/ladyfriend is REALLY into knives/cutting stuff and also maybe a little OCD, you can get her this cutting board, which is great for being way more into cutting things into pieces than anyone really needs to be.
Recipe Box
For the person who has everything, the only thing you can get them is containers for their everything. Like a cute recipe box! Bonus points if you give it to them pre-filled with your recipe for ginger molasses cookies. This recipe box comes intern-recommended! This one is stylin’, and this one is good for storing treasure inside if you need to multi-task. This is also a house??
Cookbooks
If someone you know genuinely enjoys cooking, they probably already have plenty of cookbooks. In fact they have probably been given cookbooks for every holiday and birthday, as is evidenced by the fact that I own six Indian cookbooks and one Finnish one (???). But then again, there’s a reason that cookbooks are a tried-and-true gift, which is that people who love to cook love getting new ideas for what to cook. As long as you get something that’s actually in line with their tastes and preferences and not gimmicky and bizarre (unless they’re into bizarre!) then you’re golden. For instance, a really good gift for me (HINT) would be Kansha, which is all vegan homestyle Japanese food. Perhaps someone in your life would like a Harry Potter-themed book of recipes (there are also “summertime treats!”) Also, let’s be real, there is no way the kitchen-oriented queermo in your life would not benefit from an I Love Trader Joe’s Cookbook. Get them a bottle of Charles Shaw as an accompaniment if you’re going for full points.
Apron
Sometimes you think you don’t need a cute apron, but that’s because you don’t know how cute aprons can be. Mine is covered with vintage Elvis photos. There are cute ones made by vegans! There are really flouncy ones for femme-ing the fuck out! I like to think of this as being a really butch apron/for people who need a lot of tools in the kitchen. An Iron Chef, maybe.
IRON CHEF
Which brings me to the most important show ever on television besides David the Gnome and the X-Files. Virtually no televised event in my lifetime has ever given me the same thrill as the moment someone turns on the ice cream machine during Battle Pickled Eel. Obviously the original Japanese show is far superior, but is also disappointingly difficult to locate. There’s an official book? (Also A BOARD GAME???) (Also a video game, but I’m skeptical.) You may have to settle for Iron Chef USA, or maybe one of Cat Cora’s cookbooks.
This is a spatula shaped like a guitar. Just saying.
Microplane
One thing that people don’t always know but should totally know is that everything tastes better with lemon zest in it. Literally every thing. Cookies, pie crust, cranberry sauce, risotto, cheesecake, you name it. So, with that in mind, giving someone something that allows them to easily zest lemons (and limes! and oranges!) into things is giving them something very special and magical. It’s tempting to just use a cheese grater for this, but friends don’t let friends cheese-grate citrus fruit. Get them a microplane or other sort of zester situation and they can also finely grate spices or parmesan cheese!
Bacon
This is me throwing you a bone, non-vegans. A bacon bone.
Autostraddle’s Ultimate Holiday Gift Guide 2011: What Your Girlfriend Or Otherwise-Inclined Pal Wants
Hey there starship troopers! It’s the holiday season and we’re here to help you get your shit together in a variety of ways: recipes, kits, gift guides, holiday how-tos and so very much more. Come along with us, won’t you, to Autostraddle Holigays 2011! FYI, if you follow the amazon and shopstyle links from our website when making holiday purchases, Autostraddle gets a little percentage of that money via our Amazon affiliates account, so we encourage you to do that All Season Long!! Thank you!
Hello! Every year the Autostraddle Team bands together to tell you what we want for the Winter Holidays, in hopes that our desires enhance your perspective on the desires of your lovers, friends, family, and co-workers. In addition to obviously wanting an Autostraddle Calendar and other merch, there are just so many objects in the world to buy! YAY CONSUMERISM! Let’s not waste any time. For additional inspiration, check out last year and the year before that.
Carolyn, Contributing Editor
Books & Knives
Books. So many books. I got a Kobo a few months ago and for some reason buying ebooks does not feel like buying real books and now I am going broke. Books I am specifically interested in at this moment of space/time include Saints Astray, by Jacqueline Carey. Have I talked enough about my love for Jacqueline Carey? Because hot damn.
The one sharp knife I currently own is a. originally from Dollarama, and b. no longer sharp despite being serrated. Something about having an eight-inch stainless steel chef’s knife seems pretty awesome, but at this point I would really just like a solid-looking utility knife than can, unlike my current knife, make it all the way through an apple. Or a piece of bread.
Rachel, Senior Editor
Books, Screenprinting & Warmth
The Art of Fielding. This is a book, one that has received a fairly significant amount of acclaim this year. It is about baseball and also I believe some gay stuff. With those three facts combined, it just seems stupid that I should have to buy this for myself. Really? Not one of the people I know in life has seen this and thought “Oh, OBVIOUSLY Rachel probably LOVES this?” What is wrong with them?
Screenprinting Kit. Just because I hated everything about summer camp and was the least cool kid every single year doesn’t mean I don’t love arts and crafts. I want to screenprint the days of the week on my underwear, James Baldwin onto an inspirational poster to put above my bed and stare at dreamily every night before I fall asleep, and Autostraddle onto everything else.
Hot Water Bottle. One of my best friends, who Knows From Cold because she lives in Canada, says she is going to get me this, but I want it so bad that really what’s wrong with having more than one? I am not a proud person and I do not lead a glamorous life; low-tech ways of keeping warm and surviving winter are pretty high up my priority list. If the old-fashioned hot water bottle is as magical as she claims, something may finally approach the glory of the days when I was like 8 and we visited my one aunt whose had beds with electric blankets on them. Can you even imagine.
Lizz, Fashion Editor
Essential Non-Essentials
This Chanukah I’m only asking for things I have no way in hell of buying for myself. That would be a real gift– receiving something that I would never ever actually buy for myself no matter how much I want/need it.
First up, I like to listen to music while I snowboard (which is probably dangerous) but my helmet jams my earbud so far in to my ear that it’s giving me a blunt-force daith piecing. It turns out that there are these nifty helmets that have audio hook-ups right in the ear piece. The brand of helmet I like, Giro, even has this whole cool line of different sound systems that integrate right in to your helmet called Tuneups. How cute is that name? So wouldn’t it be smart of me to go buy the Giro Seam Snow Helmet and the Giro Tuneups with Bluetooth? It would be a great idea since the helmet even comes in this magical sunset color. But, of course, I’ll never buy this for myself because you have to buy both parts which is way to much coordination for me to handle and, technically, speaking, I already have a working sound system with my ear-digging headphones. But god it would be cool to have a wireless bluetooth situation so I could stop getting choked by the headphone cord.
Also I really need a new purse. I’ve been carrying around the tote-bag I designed in elementary school for about two months now. It was looking okay until one of my coworkers spilled a Miller High Life on it about five weeks ago. What I really want is a satchel (which I totally told you all to get in the fall) but unfortunately the one I want doesn’t approximate any representation of reality. The Heritage Bayswater Satchel by Mulberry is basically the best purse ever made. It’s the right size and a perfect color but actually it costs $1,500 dollars. Who the hell is spending a grand and a half on purses? I can’t really justify buying this for myself until I’m donating at least $100 grand to charity every year. This past year I donated $200 bucks to NPR (less the cost of my free mug) so I’m S.O.L unless someone buys it for me. I shouldn’t even be talking about this purse except I’m so enamored that I cut out the Mulberry advertisement and tacked it up at work.
Finally, someone needs to buy me a laundry system. I moved in to my apartment two years ago and never bought one. It’s been on my to-do list since then. There’s clothing all over the floor and I don’t know what to do. It’s scary in here and I need to get to the bathroom but I sort of can’t get out Hoarders style. Preferably a laundry system that comes with three hamper compartments for darks, lights and dry clean with an overhead bar to hang things I’m going to wear again.
Intern Bren, Intern
Books & Underwear
Reading is one of my favorite things to do with my eyeballs. Another thing I like to do with my eyeballs is watch television and with the Level 26 trilogy you can do both because they are “Digi-Novels.” You read a few chapters, then go to a website, enter a code and watch a short video of the characters in the novel that relates to the events you just read about. I already have in my possession the first two books in the series and I desperately want the third (Dark Revelations), which comes out Dec. 29th, but it can be pre-ordered now. And if you need more convincing you should know all the books are about really twisted serial killers and they are written by the creator of CSI: Crime Scene Investigations.
I just moved from Florida to northernish California and I’ve noticed that this special new place has something that Florida never did — Winter. I am not prepared for this in the slightest. So these thermal undershirts might come in handy.
While we’re on the subject of things that keep you warm, I could use some more pairs of Smartwool socks. Now I don’t know exactly what makes the fabric of these socks so intelligent, but when it comes to keeping your feet nice and snuggly these socks are freakin’ Eisenstein, and this is coming from a person whose daily outlook on life and general happiness is directly related to the warmth and comfort of her feet. They are the next best thing to warming your cold feet on a hot chick.
When I saw the trailer of The Hunger Games I sat in amazement that I had never even heard of these books. Everything about this story is right up the ally of things I find interesting and readable. Like a good little person with no money I went to the library and put a hold on the trilogy only to see that there are 319 people in front of me. So unless I want to wait until 2098 to read this I need someone to buy it for me.
Also, WeWOOD watches are pretty cool. They’re made of wood, hence the name, and look interesting, which means lots of chicks will want to touch it and you by default. AND WeWOOD plants a tree for every watch you buy, so there’s that.
this is the one I have
Laura, Contributing Editor
Hair Clippers, Water Colors and Miracle Fruit
Even though I know I will not be getting hair clippers for Christmas (I’ve asked for that effing cordless drill for 3 years now), I am putting them on my list. If you’re listening, family, I would be able to cut my hair in ⅓ the time it takes me to cut it with scissors, which would give me approximately twenty extra minutes to devote to stereotypically feminine pursuits. That’s twenty minutes a month that could be spent on quilting, shopping for makeup and reading Cosmo. Or, you know, drilling holes.
As crafty as I like to think I am, water colors are one thing I’ve never understood. My friend let me play with hers the other day and I’ve decided it’s something I’d like to get better at. You can blend them just like other types of paint and they come in minuscule, adorable containers that you can fit in your pocket. If you have to know, the fact that they are tiny is probably 80% of the reason I want them. I love tiny things! You could give me a very small cockroach and I’d be positively pleased as a peach.
Have you heard of this stuff? It’s a magical berry that changes sour foods like lemons and rhubard into things you’d actually want to eat without first putting them inside a pie! Goat cheese, beer, strawberries, avocado, and salsa are some of the foods I’ve heard you should try with it and are, coincidentally, some of my favorite things to put in my mouth. It’s basically an excuse to have a party. In the interest of practicality, I think I’d like tablets; however, I wouldn’t be opposed to a seedling to add to my plant menagerie.
Deanne Smith, Comedy Writer
Funny and Useful Things
Hey, so, apparently I’m hard to buy for because I don’t really want things. And if I do want something, I tend to just go ahead and get it for myself. (One of the best parts of being an adult!) So, here are some things I think YOU or someone in your life will enjoy that I might, like, already own or something. And the bonus part is, they’re all relatively affordable!
Any Maria Bamford CD. Do you like your satire super sharp and mind-bendingly hilarious? Then get some Maria Bamford into your life. She is pure genius. Trust me. And her comedy is a great litmus test for finding out who is awesome in your world and who has zero sense of humor.
Memory Foam Pillow. This is good for:
a. feeling luxurious
b. sleeping soundly in a variety of positions
c. enticing the sweet honeys into your bed
d. all of the above
A Slouch Hat. Everyone looks hot in a slouch hat. EVERYONE. Plus, in winter, you can wake up, throw one of these over your bed head and be sexy all day long, with zero effort. Please nobody tell me these are “so 2008” or something. I couldn’t handle that. I think they are perfect.
Betty White’s Latest. I bought, like, four copies of this book because I can think of so many people who will like it. Betty White is super popular right now. Like canning your own vegetables and claiming to be “over Facebook.”
Crock Pot. “Chuck all your cut-up stuff in a hot hole, leave it, and hours later experience deliciousness.” That’s how every crock pot recipe should read, because THAT’S HOW EASY IT IS. Great if, like me, you’re busy and lazy and have a thing for the 70s.
NEXT: Shoes, Hello Kitty Toaster, Whisky Stones, Underpants, Design*Sponge, Messenger Bags, Espresso Machine and so much more!
Holigay Gift Guide: Sexy Sexalicious Sexathonical Edition
Hey there starship troopers! It’s the holiday season and we’re here to help you get your shit together in a variety of ways: recipes, kits, gift guides, holiday how-tos and so very much more. Come along with us, won’t you, to Autostraddle Holigays 2011! FYI, if you follow the amazon/babeland/good-vibes/shopstyle links from our website when making holiday purchases, Autostraddle gets a little percentage of that money via our Amazon/Babeland/GoodVibes/Shopstyle affiliates account, so we encourage you to do that All Season Long!! Thank you!
Hey-o! It’s December 11th which means you’re seriously running out of time to give your girlfriend, activity partner, next-door-neighbor or sexually-repressed-straight-best-friend-who-secretly-wants to-ride-your-pony the gift of a MOREGASM.
In last year’s gift list we gave you some pretty amazing suggestions including a very serious guide to purchasing a strap-on. So this year we knew we had to do something similar, but also different.
There are so many ways to give something sexy to someone for the holidays. The classic sexy gift is smothering your entire body in whipped cream and chocolate body paint, lying down on some satin sheets, and then hollering at your activity partner to come lick all that stuff off your body and then launder the sheets that you probably ruined and then have sex in the shower!
But this year why not get a little creative? RIGHT?!!
Here’s our suggestions, in order of cost.
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Sex Toys Etc
1. Pin-Up Vibe & Bombshell Balm – $30 – This thing is totally fit for a femme. It’s got a cute sassy pin-up tin and inside is a teeny-tiny three speed bullet vibrator and “Bombshell Balm” which the description promises will “come together to create a party for her clit.” Sounds like a good party, dude!
2. Lesbian Honeymoon Kit – $32 – This fantastic lesbian-targeted situation includes a finger vibe (very fun item, that thing), all kinds of oils, balms, lubes and also a “dirty dice” game.
3. RodeOH Harness – $45 – We reviewed this harness a few months ago and we told you to get it. Did you get it? If not, you should probably get it now.
4. Sqweel – $59 – When you’re vacationing in Barbados or having important meetings in hotel conference rooms or just sitting on the internet far away from your girlfriend or activity partner, I bet you often think to yourself “I wish her tongue was a sex toy!” WELL NOW IT IS. Not just one tongue though, it’s TEN TONGUES. You can also use it when she’s right there, too, but just saying.
5. Under-the-Bed Restraint System – $62 – If you’re sleeping on a matress in an alley and don’t have a headbord but really wish you could restrain your girlfriend and fuck the living daylights out of her, this is for you! The straps fit under any mattress and include arm and legs restraints.
6. Incoqnito Black Leather Handcuffs – $62 – These are really sexy and good for Occupy Wall Street role-playing.
7. WeVibe – $99 – This is super high-tech but also really simple. When you watch the video you’re gonna be like “OHHHH that’s a really good idea for a toy!” It’s good for couples.
8. Lelo Lyla – $139 -You’re already “taking an active hand in your partner’s pleasure,” right? Well good news: this shit has wireless remote control to fit in your hand or her hand and there’s “SenseMotion technology” happening and all these things.
9. SpareParts Harness Combo – $196 – The SpareParts Joque Harness is hands-down totes the best harness ever, so already you’ve scored. Then you add a Vixskin silicone Mustang Dildo and also a Babeland Buzz Vibrator AND ALSO some Babe Lube and you’ve saved yourself a bit of money and will have good strap-on sex forever and ever.
10. Amazon has some great deals on Lelo Products like 58% off a $115.70 Lelo Nea Personal Massager ($48.32), 62% off a $155.71 Lelo Liv Personal Massager ($58.61) and 57% off a $217.29 Lelo Ina Dual Vibrator.
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Other Sexy Gifts
1. Best Lesbian Erotica 2012 – $10.36 – Legendary butch sex blogger Sinclair Sexsmith wrote the introduction to this year’s edition, edited by Kathleen Warnock. And if you’d like to get a little more specific about your wishes and desires in erotic literature, how about…
* Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica ($10.17) edited by Tristan Taormino
* Say Please: Lesbian BDSM Erotica ($9.85) edited by Sinclair Sexsmith
* Girl Crazy: Coming Out Erotica ($11.95), edited by Sacchi Green
* Where the Girls Are: Urban Lesbian Erotica ($13.52), edited by D.L. King
2. Autostraddle Merch: The “Is It Sex?” Flowchart ($11) is an 8.5×14″ poster that answers world’s most confounding question, and the 2012 Photography Book/Calendar ($18) is chock-full of Robin Roemer’s gorgeous photography of half-naked lesbians.
3. Crash Pad Series Volume 1 DVD – $24.95 – Advertised as “the story of the sexiest apartment in the world,” this DVD of the legendary porn series won the 2008 Feminist Porn Award for Hottest Dyke Film, and you know how those Feminist Porn Awarders are.
4. Roulette: Toronto DVD – $24.95 – Speaking of the Feminist Porn Awards, that’s what brought Courtney Trouble to Toronto to make this lovely movie featuring Jiz Lee, Dylan Ryan, April Flores and includes ejaculation in every scene! Hardcore vignettes! Holler!
5. Sensual Sampler Kit – $32 – Knead Me Massage Lotion, Devour Me Lickable Oil, Touch Me Massage Oil, Lust Dust Edible Body Powder, Mini Rub Me Massage Bars, Ignite Me Massage Candle, Smooch Me Lip Lube. THAT’S SO MUCH STUFF!
6. Jimmy Jane Knead Me Sensual Massage Set – $48 – The “Afterglow Candle” not only smells super -amazing, but when you blow it out, the melted wax becomes a skin-friendly massage oil. Also comes with a “Contour M” massage stone and is wrapped in a pink bow. The whole thing is just so very romantic.
7. Victoria’s Secret Boxer & Crew Set – $59.50 – What’s super cute about these is that you can get one to represent your University, favorite baseball team or favorite basketball team! It comes in a cute gift box, too.
8. Juicy Couture Day of the Week Panty Set – $99 – Have you forgotten what day it is? Avoid this tragic misstep with the Juicy Couture Day of the Week Panty Set. Seven boyshort panties with lovebirds in seven different colors and patterns!
9. Luxury Sex Toy Storage Box – $99.99 – This sucker stores up to 20 DVDs, 3-4 vibrators and everything else in the whole world. It opens by magnet (so you don’t have to mess with keys) and is discreet for when parents/children are around.
For more help on sexy holiday shopping:
+ Good Vibrations’ Sexy Queer Gift Guide
+ Babeland’s Sexy Gift Guide by Price
+ Autostraddle’s 12 Books About Sex
+ Autostraddle’s Last Minute NSFW Valentines Day Gift Guide
+ Autostraddle’s 2010 NSFW Sunday Gift Guide
+ Autostraddle’s Boyshorts Guide, Bra Guide and Cologne/Perfume 101
Buying sex toys for friends or lovers isn’t always easy — have you ever given a sex toy gift to a friend or lover? Received one? If you were to get a sexy gift this year, what would you want that gift to be? Let us know in the comments!
Holigay Gift Guide: Sports Edition
Hey there starship troopers! It’s the holiday season and we’re here to help you get your shit together in a variety of ways: recipes, kits, gift guides, holiday how-tos and so very much more. Come along with us, won’t you, to Autostraddle Holigays 2011! FYI, if you follow the amazon links from our website when making holiday purchases, Autostraddle gets a little percentage of that money via our Amazon affiliates account, so we encourage you to do that All Season Long!! Thank you!
You know what’s awesome? Sports? You know what else is awesome? Giving people gifts you can make excuses to come over and use. Combine these things and you have this gift guide.
What’s more baller than watching sports on a lawn? This will have to wait until the winter’s over but catching a game and some rays at the same time would be a great way to celebrate the warm weather’s return.
While you’re out on the lawn you might as well be drunk. Get yourself a sports-themed pong table and keep all those friends that don’t like watching entertained. It’s also an actual ping pong table if you’re too mature for beer pong. It folds up so it’s great for tailgates.
Do you know someone that dies when it’s not football season? Get them this show about a group of friends and their fantasy football league to tide them over. It’s a loosely scripted comedy that’s hilarious even if you don’t know anything about football or Shiva blasting.
They’re going to need somewhere to store those DVDs. Now that Netflix is ridiculous, DVD purchasing might be coming back around. Protect your collection and support your favorite team.
I’m only friends with people who can pull off hats. That’s actually something I said to Grace off-handedly but has become a new requirement. A hat is one of those things people may have always wanted to try to pull off but they never want to risk buying one themselves. Help ’em out. Give head a chance.
Combination bottle opener/caribiner
Do you have a friend that’s always upset people don’t know they’re gay? Get them one of these. No one will ever doubt them again.
Maybe there will be a cute girl around that gets chilly and they’ll be there to save the day. Or maybe they just get cold easily.
These are dangerous. You can easily blow an hour because you’re determined to hit most difficult shot you can think up so be careful who you give one to. Especially if it’s someone who thinks everything is a competetion. I bet I typed this sentence faster than you read it. Boom, I just won.
Girls with guns. Hot.
When you run to the fridge, is there that one friend that needs you to grab them a drink every time? They even time their drinking pace to match yours? Get them one of these. It might make catching games with them a little more bearable.
Holigay Gift Guide: Secret Santa 101, The Art of Anonymous Gifting
Hey there starship troopers! It’s the holiday season and we’re here to help you get your shit together in a variety of ways: recipes, kits, gift guides, holiday how-tos and so very much more. Come along with us, won’t you, to Autostraddle Holigays 2011! FYI, if you follow the amazon links from our website when making holiday purchases, Autostraddle gets a little percentage of that money via our Amazon affiliates account, so we encourage you to do that All Season Long!! Thank you!
We’re approaching that time of the year where many of you will be forced to participate in the holiday season’s most inane ritual, the workplace Secret Santa gift exchange (aka Kris Kringle).This guide will make being someone’s Secret Santa at least 60% more enjoyable. That’s science.
Buying a gift for an acquaintance is impossible enough without having to stick to a budget of $20 or less. If you work in a large office, there’s a good chance you’ll be buying for someone who you’ve never spoken to ever, or worse – someone you can’t even identify by name. So what do you get them?
It’s tempting to leave the gift buying until the last possible hour because, after all, Tina from Accounting will never find out that the nativity scene snow-globe was a present from you. But that sense of security you’re feeling is totally false! At the next office party, whoever coordinated the gift exchange is going to have a few too many shandies and start ratting out the lousy gift-givers to their colleagues. If you think this doesn’t happen in your workplace then you’re probably one of the offenders.
As someone who has been on the receiving end of terrible Secret Santa gifts for almost a decade, I feel somewhat qualified to offer up some gift ideas and advise you on Secret Santa gift etiquette.
Don’t: Scented candles
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve received candles during Secret Santa, I’d have enough money to commission Madame Tussauds to melt those candles down into a vanilla and peach-scented statue of Det. Kate Beckett. Now that would be a good gift. But instead what I’ve got is a box full of fruit flavored wax taking up valuable sneaker space on my wardrobe floor.
The thing about scented candles is that you have to be either a candle person or a pot-smoking teenager to really appreciate them, and that probably rules out a lot of your co-workers.
Do: Gift cards
At some point in your life someone from the olden days probably told you that gift cards are highly impersonal presents. That’s what makes them so perfect! You don’t know your colleague on a personal level, don’t bother to pretend otherwise.
If your first instinct was ‘candles!’, maybe give them a Home Depot gift card instead. That way they can buy, or not buy, as many candles as they desire. Also Amazon.com Gift Cards are great because if you totally forgot about Secret Santa then you can download and print them minutes before the exchange.
Don’t: Gift baskets
Gift cards say ‘I don’t know you but I want you to buy yourself something nice’. Gift baskets filled with lavender bath salts and duckling-shaped washcloths say ‘I don’t know you and I don’t care about your happiness’. Also, apartments with bath-tubs are expensive. If your co-worker cannot afford to own a bathtub then they might resent you. I’m just saying this because I probably would.
Do: Gourmet tea or coffee
Most people drink beverages as they work, and you don’t have to be Veronica Mars to figure out what that their preferred beverage is – just follow them into the kitchen. Gifting gourmet tea, coffee or hot chocolate will appear thoughtful and also taste better than the cheap crap the company provides.
If you’d rather take the non-perishable route, maybe go for a desk-sized Bodum coffee press or this Tea Spot ceramic mug with tea infuser.
Don’t: Earrings
Not all females have their ear lobes pierced. Maybe you just rolled your eyes and shouted “DUH”, however the 4 pairs of never-worn earrings I’ve accumulated since 2001 have led me to believe this is not, in fact, common knowledge. Earrings will put your non-pierced co-workers in a tough position because faking excitement to spare your feelings just isn’t an option; they know one day you’ll realise they lied. No-one wins with earrings. Actually just steer clear of jewellery altogether.
Do: Chocolate or wine
Chocolate and alcohol can be re-gifted with a clear conscience. If your co-worker doesn’t personally enjoy chocolates or alcohol, what you’re giving them is the gift of not having to put any thought or effort into next year’s Secret Santa exchange. That’s perhaps the greatest gift of all.
I suggest Ghirardelli Assorted Chocolate Squares. Everybody loves Ghirardelli.
Don’t: Clothing
If the size is too big or too small then someone might get offended, so it’s best to just not go there. Unless you were planning to give them a Unicorn Plan-It t-shirt, in which case you definitely should go there. Just remember that they’re a unisex fit and so order a size down.
Do: Procrastination-enabling gifts
Procrastinating is something that all office workers like; it’s universal. I’ve never seen a procrastination-enabling gift go unappreciated. Any item or game that can provide a few minutes of distraction each day is going to be a winner, particularly if your co-worker is under 40 and also not your boss. For extra points, choose something that the entire team or department can get enjoy.
Suggestions include this Office Origami book, this poker set, and if you have a high tolerance for noise, this desktop table tennis kit.
Don’t: Inexpensive versions of expensive things
If a particular kind of gift typically costs $50 or more, don’t buy your co-worker an under-$20 version. If it’s perfume or cologne, it will smell like paint thinner. If it’s liquor, it will taste like paint thinner. There’s a reason that these things usually cost more than $20.
Do: Things that make being at the office better
Anything that will make the working environment more enjoyable, healthy or aesthetically pleasing is a good idea. I like to give people plants, ‘cause they’re cheap, pretty, and rid the office of pollutants. Only an asshole wouldn’t appreciate the benefits of a plant.
For something more interactive, consider a Bonsai Growing Kit. Or if your work environment is already appealing, buy them a gift that’ll improve the environments of others – such as art supplies for children in disadvantaged communities. Oxfam Unwrapped has so many great donation gifts, you guys.
Don’t: Job-related gifts
That cute frog-shaped hole-puncher may seem like a super great gift for an office paper-pusher but I assure you, it isn’t. Most likely it’ll only remind them that as soon as this shitty management-mandated gift-swap is over they’re gonna have to return to their desks and do some more fucking filing.
Also if the gift serves the same purpose as an object that can be found in the office stationery cupboard, the recipient may find it underwhelming. That includes USB flash drives.
Gifts ideas under $10
Sticky Note Origami: 25 Designs To Make At Your Desk. I’m just really into office origami right now.
The Little Black Book of Brain Games
Let’s help each other out – what are some of the best and worst Secret Santa gifts you’ve received? This year I have to buy for a nun, any suggestions?