Take This Survey About Fighting In Your Lesbian Relationship

There’s lots of data out there about what heterosexual couples fight about, but there’s not a whole lot out there about what queer couples fight about. THAT CHANGES TODAY. We wanna know more about the role fighting, bickering and squabbling plays in your relationship — how often you fight, what you fight about, the whole she-bang.

So, if you’re a woman of any sexual orientation in a relationship with another woman-identified person of any sexual orientation and you have 10-15 minutes to tell us a little bit about your life, we promise it’ll result in some very cool articles!

Here’s the Link!

You Need Help: Is She “The One”?

Feature image via shutterstock.com.

In February 2015, Autostraddle launched The Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey, open to all “lady-types who sleep with lady-types.” We garnered over 8,566 complete responses (89% of which were from people between the ages of 18 and 36) and now we’re sharing the results with you, bit by bit. In this series of posts, entitled “You Need Help (In Bed),” I’ll be answering questions left in the open-response box that asked, “What is the biggest question you have about sex or relationships?” Because we’re kicking off with a question that isn’t directly sex related, the title of this post remains “You Need Help.”

Q:

Is this “the one”?

Is she “the one”?

How do you know when you have found “the one”?

Are we right together?

Where is this going? What are we doing?

Can it last forever?

Can it last?

Is this love?

Will this last?

Is this it?

A:

In my opinion, the idea of “the one” is garbage. There is no one person for you; there are multiple people for everyone, sometimes simultaneously. You also can’t spin around in a crowded room, land on someone and freeze just like that forever. No one is perfect for anyone, though people (again, multiple people) can seem the most perfect for each other. Someone perfect for you right now might have been terrible for you five years ago, or be terrible for you five years from now. People change. You will change. Will you find someone who can change with you? Who can say?

The real answer is that there are two answers, and there are no answers. The first is easy. Think about this:

What do you want out of the whole of your life, when it comes down to it? What are your goals and dreams and hopes? (Write them down.) What do you want the biggest aspects of your life to look like? What do you want to work toward?

What do they want out of the whole of their life, when it comes down to it? What are their goals and dreams and hopes? What do they want the biggest aspects of their life to look like? What do they want to work toward?

Do these things align? Do you find it easy, or at least possible, to talk about the ways in which they align, and the ways in which they don’t? Do you want to talk about these things with this person, together? Do you want to listen to what they have to say?

What do you want out of the smallness of life, when it comes down to it? What do you want from your every day? What do you need in the morning, in the evening, in the quiet hours and in the loud ones, to feel happy or fulfilled or safe or at peace?

What do they want out of the smallness of life, when it comes down to it? What do they want from their every day? What do they need in the morning, in the evening, in the quiet hours and in the loud ones, to feel happy or fulfilled or safe or at peace?

Do these things align? Do you find it easy, or at least possible, to talk about the ways in which they align, and the ways in which they don’t? Do you want to talk about these things with this person, together? Do you want to listen to what they have to say?

Can you agree on what falls into each category?

The largeness and smallness of life might mean different things to both of you, and that can be revealing, too. Work, sex, family, money, health, relationship style, toothpaste dispensing style, turning off the lights when you leave a room, whether to try to have a cat, whether to try to have a kid, whether to try to have an orgy, whether to try to have a backyard someday, whether to try to move to your dream city or cities or countrysides or boats or Mars or where ever your heart is pulling you, and all the other places your heart might pull you, can all show you whether someone is right for you or not.

These things are easy, though. You can write them down and stare at them and know whether or not they line up and whether or not they’re true and whether or not you’re going to do something about it. The second part is harder, but you will also know the answer the second you read it even if you won’t let yourself know the answer:

Do you want to be with them?

Do you want to work every day to be together? Even when it sucks? Even when things are going really wrong or really well? Even when you have everything or nothing you ever dreamed of? Does taking this whole other person into your hands and putting yourself in theirs and trusting each other, over and over again, feel right? Do they just feel right?

The answer doesn’t have to be unequivocal. Some days it doesn’t have to be “yes” at all. But the only way to answer this question is to look within yourself and know it. (If you don’t know, that too is an answer.)

You Need Help: You Want Different Things

Feature image via shutterstock.

Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

I officially came out about a year ago. I dated a few girls until I met my girlfriend. We’ve been together almost a year, and my emotional and physical connection to her is amazing; it’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. As we are approaching a year, however, I’m starting to realize that logically, we are total opposites. Finding her made me realize I wanted a family someday when I never did before; in one breath she says this is what she wants, and the next she is saying the type of life she wants to lead isn’t one where children would work (traveling, moving from place to place, etc.). I’ve always known that I needed someone who was better with finances than myself, yet I fell for a girl who can’t get this part of her life in order. No matter what I suggest she do (and I’ve held back a lot) she always has an excuse about why that won’t work — it’s like she’s not willing to change this. And since I want a child and it’s absolutely going to cost us money, this concerns me. The list really, truly goes on unfortunately. So here I am, absolutely smitten with a girl who, when I look at it logically, probably isn’t right for what I want. I feel like I answer my own question over and over, but I need guidance and someone else to tell me I’m not crazy. Or maybe tell me I am crazy. Do I pass up this amazing love that I’ve been waiting forever for? Or do I spend my life wishing things would change when they might not (and probably won’t)?

Hello. You should break up with your girlfriend. I know. Stay with me.

The minute you start to worry about all the life stuff together is the minute it starts being relevant. In some relationships, this happens almost instantly. In others, it never happens at all. There are plenty of healthy relationships between partners who only agreed to be partners because they’d established they want the same things in the areas they consider important. And there are so many healthy relationships that never look forward, that opt out of the relationship escalator, that are content to stay at the same level — still growing forward as people and together, but not necessarily growing more enmeshed. Both these scenarios are fine and can be beautiful but they are not yours. You’ve been together a while, and from the boxes you are concerned about checking — children, finances, the type of life you each want to lead and what that might look like together, enmeshed — the problem is this: your relationship and your girlfriend have been working for you so far, but you don’t know whether they’re going to work in the future. It sounds like to move forward, one of you either has to resign themselves to living a sort of life they don’t want, or you have to break up.

Here is what will happen if you stay together: you will still be together, for weeks or months or years or decades. You are smitten now, but being smitten is not enough to make up for giving up so many other things you want. Resentment will, sooner or later, overtake your love and your relationship and your life. That amazing physical and emotional connection will wither. You will see your girlfriend as holding you back, as stopping you from living your best life — and if you’re hesitating to leave now, after a year, imagine how you will feel in two or five or ten more, when you’ve rearranged your life and goals around this person who, “logically, probably isn’t right for what [you] want.” You might find a way to make this situation work, but you might never be truly happy or satisfied or content with either your relationship or your life. You will still break up eventually, but you will be so much more enmeshed, and you will talk yourself out of it time and again because of sunk costs or because of how hard it will be or because you just don’t know what to do next, and it will be so, so much harder.

Here is what will happen if you break up: it is going to suck. It is going to suck so much. You are going to have to look across the table at the person you love most in the world and tell her that you shouldn’t be together any more because you have different answers to different life questions and you’re ready to consider those questions. (You do not need to be ready to act on them, but a certain point knowing in your heart that, say, you have a different opinion on having children than your partner becomes too much to handle.) She may or may not agree. You are going to cry, and she is going to cry, and the second the words are out there you are going to wish you could put them back in your mouth because anything seems better than facing all the feelings you’re suddenly having. Face them. Pack up your life together. Do the hard scary thing. When you are faced with it, when it is happening, it is amazing how easy the hard scary thing can be.

My ex-partner and I had a ten-year age difference, and before we had our very first date we had already discussed, in brief, the big things that would end us — for her, maybe wanting to have kids soonish, while I do not, and for me, being poly and kinky, while she is not. I am grateful that we did not let these discussions stop us from dating and living together for almost three years, because our relationship shaped the person I am and want to become and because I will always hold the best of what we had together in my heart, but I am also so so grateful we broke up when we did, because at a certain point you have to admit you know who you are and what you want even if that means not knowing who you are and what you want, and you have to go for it, for your life, as hard as you can.

Send your questions to youneedhelp [at] autostraddle [dot] com or submit a question via the ASK link on autostraddle.tumblr.com. Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.

No White Tears: A Non-Guide on Dealing with Microaggressions from Your White Partner

Hello, shining stars of the galaxy, I hope you’re all feeling cared for today. The protests and rallies in Baltimore, Philadelphia and across the country – due currently to the murders of Freddie Gray and London Chanel but the list of names is long and never-ending – have many of us feeling pushed to our emotional and cognitive limits. Many of us are afraid for our lives and the lives of our people. Black Lives Matter now and forever. I write these words so that we don’t forget the state of our nation even in the midst of writing articles about love and relationships. Everything is connected.

We do not write in a vacuum.

We do not love in a vacuum.

We love with the weight of our skin colors between us and our different physical abilities. We love amidst peaceful demonstrations and wars with bodies that have been and seem to always be abused and marginalized. We love each other across bulletproof glass and from different ends of the privilege spectrum. We love as descendants of enslaved peoples and the offspring of slave owners. We love without always having a shared language to bring our very different worlds together.

Artwork by Julio Salgado via Julio Salgado 83 dot tumblr dot com

There are no handbooks for us. We see mega rich and shiny people in girl-on-girl relationships on the teevee, but many of us have little to no guidance for our relationships. We need all the support we can get. Sharing our stories is the easiest way to get the word out and help each other.

So let’s talk about microaggressions and acts of racism in our love relationships. I’ll start: I’m a queer Latina boi from the Bronx in a relationship with a queer femme white girl from the Midwest. This isn’t my first time dating a white girl. At 32, I’ve finally learned how to call yt (white) girls out on microaggressions and racist behavior. For me, calling someone out isn’t about gleefully shaming someone’s prejudiced behavior anymore. I’m more concerned with taking immediate care of myself and deciding if I’ll continue to engage with that person. The harm they’ve inflicted via actions or words needs to rest solely on their conscience and they need to rectify it. I’m not doing that for anyone, no matter how cute they are.

No, bb girl, I’m not holding your hand while you cry white tears. Srry.

This is not a how-to guide; there’s no right way to navigate these situations. POC aren’t a monolithic entity in which all racist acts are experienced and digested in the same way, if at all. Nor should it be seen as another moment where a POC + yt person relationship is elevated above other interracial relationships. This post is an invitation to a broader discussion. What I have to offer is my experience; the framework of my understandings of racism and microaggressions in a romantic relationship are based on the aforementioned race dynamic.

Because let’s not kid ourselves, microaggressions can be experienced while dating another person of color. Although the dynamics aren’t the same, the situations are just as toxic and harmful to experience. Non-black POC aren’t above bullshit. Neither is anyone whose intersectional identities connect in a way that vibes more with the status quo. Like if you’re cis or able-bodied, ya know? To quote Autostraddle contributor KaeLyn, “People with more systematic privilege than you are always going to fuck up.” Word, friend. I’m just sharing some instances of microaggressions — because sometimes we’re not even sure if that’s what’s happened — and some ways to deal in the hopes that you will share yours and we’ll all be able to make it out alive, looking sexy and loving our hardest.

True Examples of Microaggressions Culled from Real Life and The Internet

Microaggressions: Racial microaggressions are brief and commonplace daily verbal, behavioral, and environmental indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative racial slights and insults to the target person or group (D. W. Sue, 2005).

1. Your yt gf is complaining about her Black boss. All of the complaints are valid but she uses language peppered with phrases like “those people” and maybe even wonders how her boss was deemed qualified to become her boss, maybe somehow all of a sudden she’s talking about affirmative action and you’re like “what the actual fuck is happening, right now?” And none of it feels right and what she’s saying reads like someone else’s tumblr post about their awful racist ex.

2. Your partner doesn’t understand why Black people, Native folx and people of color in general, can’t just react peacefully when their own people are murdered by law enforcement officers, the KKK, or deluded pro-America vigilantes. Also, they don’t see how a system that supports housing inequality, school to prison pipelines that disproportionately affect Black and Latin@ peoples, brutal holding centers for undocumented folx, among other disgusting social practices that are legal doesn’t always deserve a peaceful response from its citizens.

3. Without prior discussion as to what’s appropriate, white boo decides to call you their “little/sexy/hot, insert slur/obnoxious stereotype here.,” e.g. aren’t you my “hot little chola or tamale” or something equally cringe-inducing.

4. You’re out socializing with your person and their group of friends. One of their friends says some out-of-pocket racist bullshit and your partner says nothing. No one even reacts. You react and then everyone thinks you’re too sensitive and shit gets awkward. You both leave early, together. The ride home is silent and your person doesn’t give you even a slight hint of understanding. Now you’re the girlfriend that none of their friends wants to chill with. And no one has your back.

5. Without any warning, your yt boo decides to share their secret obsession with “thug porn” or “hot asian babes” and you’re just like… wayment…

6. Someone not white was mean to your boo and she’s crying about it and feels victimized because of her whiteness. She wants you to make her feel better and to denounce the person of color she’s talking about.

7. Your latest primary partner posts all the appropriate anti-racist stuff, does tremendous amounts of social justice activism and schools other white people on how they’re bad allies and gentrifiers. But they often forget that they’re also gentrifiers. They often speak over the voices of people of color on topics of racism and oppression and gentrification so that everyone knows/hears/sees how anti-racist they are.

8. Tinder-date turned current sex-friend dresses up in their idea of Native American gear to participate in a sports thing or puts on a sombrero & mustache to celebrate “Cinco de Drinko” and doesn’t understand why you just can’t have some fun!

9. Just chillin’ with bae and they play the new Janelle Monae and straight up look at you, a beautiful Black woman, and say, “Funny how I’m teaching you about your culture, kinda, right?”

10. White tears are shed when yt boyfriend isn’t allowed to go to the POC-only party. They say it’s unfair and if there was an all-white party it’d be racist. You’re stuck trying to uplift yt boyfriend or bounce to the POC-party. Or both?

Check out this dope diagram from the study on Racial Microaggressions in Everyday Life

Tips for Dealing With Microaggressions and White Tears in Yer Relationship

1. Listen to yourself.
If there is any moment where you feel emotionally unsafe, don’t doubt yourself. Step away. It’s OK to pause, to shut that shit down, and to remove yourself. Not that you need my permission at all, but damn, I know that I’ve doubted myself in situations like that. I’m here to tell you that you’re not being too sensitive. Racism is real and is embedded in our language, interactions, politics, etc. and you shouldn’t have to tolerate it.

2. React however you feel is best. Do the thing that keeps you whole.
Only you know the nature of your relationship. Nothing I say here is going to fit everyone nor is it intended to. Here are some ways that I’ve reacted to racist bullshit in my relationships.

Image via flowerjizz dot tumblr dot com

Options:

• Explain in under five sentences why you are upset and need to remove yourself from the conversation. I chose under five because that is enough information to give someone with respect to yourself and to them. (I’ve chosen to briefly explain things in the past because just dipping out of a convo cold turkey can exacerbate someone’s anxiety issues. Depending on the relationship you’re in, that may be something you’re cognizant of and give a fuck about.)
  Ex: I’m leaving. I’m not talking to you right now. I will contact you tomorrow. Do not contact me. If you don’t respect my boundaries, I won’t be able to communicate with you anymore.
• With exceptional finesse, proceed to tell her all about herself and how she just acted a racist fool.
• Excuse yourself without a word.
  There’s one Jay-Z verse that’s been my personal mantra since it dropped:
  A wise man told me don’t argue with fools
  Cause people from a distance can’t tell who is who
• Flip the fuck out because it’s your right. You don’t owe anyone courtesy after they’ve dropped an N-bomb or called you any other racist slur.

3. Protect your energy.
How much energy are you willing to invest in this situation? If your partner is so with it that all you have to say is “Babe, your fucked up internalized white supremacy is rearing its oppressive head,” and lovermuffin is all like, “You’re right babe. I’m sorry about that. I value Black women and all women of color and really need to take a pause before I say things that don’t represent my value system,” and then actually does the work, then maybe y’all are OK and are really gonna make this interracial love thang work.

If that’s not how it’s gonna go down, and you’re going to face mad pushback for protecting yourself and attempting to educate them, asking yourself if you have enough energy or want to invest the energy you do have in such an undertaking is a good move — a super good move, no lie. Your energy belongs to you first and you decide how you want to share or utilize it. Some relationships deserve careful conversations where both partners are OK with being vulnerable in order to tackle difficult issues. Other relationships can’t handle those discussions without devolving into abusive back-and-forths founded on faulty understandings of racial inequality or situations where one partner needs to be coddled and reassured by the other that they’re not acting in a racist manner. Only you know what kind of relationship you’re in.

4. Reach out to your people.
Who in your circle is going to be able to automatically “get” why you’re upset? Contact that person. Ask that person to hug you or to sit with you or un-ghost themselves on gchat and rise in solidarity with you. Find the safest place to breathe, whether it’s your activist circle or coven of hard femme brujas. Stay there for as long as you need. Vent. Vent. Vent. Get it out. All of it. All of that racist, disgusting, debilitating shit must be purged. Holy shit, don’t sit on your feelings, let them explode all over the night sky and fall into the ocean. Swim in that shit with your ride or die camarada and when you both make it to the other side, remember that being a warrior is in your blood.

Image via The Untitled Black Lesbian Elder Project

Read books that provide connection to your truth as well as refuge. Read the works of: Assata Shakur, bell hooks, Michelle Alexander, Mia McKenzie, Janet Mock, Gloria Anzaldúa, Staceyann Chin, Kay Ulanday Barrett, Isabel Allende, and Celine Parreñas Shimizu. These are not the only authors and poets who write about race and social justice and living as a person of color. Find whoever speaks to you and dive into their words. Watch all the movies, and tv shows that highlight and respect your identity.

Online spaces are helpful too. You can vent anonymously on the Microaggressions tumblr. The QTPOC Speakeasy is always ready to hear you and offer love and support. There are other online support groups specifically for people of color in relationships with white people. Such as the QTIPOC Dating White People Support Group.

5. Remember that they have to do the work.
The onus isn’t on you to educate. Your partner needs to figure this out for themselves. Your partner needs to feel motivated to read books written by QTPOC about all sorts of things, not just issues of race. They need to seek out spaces led by Queer and Trans People of Color, sit in those spaces, and listen. Your partner needs to actively develop a value system based on anti-racist principles, not rely on you to provide it for them. They need to embody these principles in majority white spaces so other white people don’t get a pass when they’re with each other and so that the work doesn’t always fall on people of color.

With that in mind, you can make the decision to discuss things with them and allow space to hear what they have to say if you want to. I’ve chosen to listen and share insight because I’ve believed in relationships as a whole. Like, if this person can be here for me during my darkest hour, then I can provide similar support to them during their personal evolution. But not everyone is worthy of that type of support and none of us owe it to anyone.

6. QTPOC-Only
Some people choose to only date other POC and/or only other Black people and that’s OK. This isn’t you being weird and somehow proliferating reverse racism – that’s not a real thing y’all.

I’ve often thought: I’m so done with dating yt girls. They just don’t get it.

Other POC homies in my circle have expressed similar feelings and have stuck to them. They don’t date white people because their understanding of racism and experiences of racial inequality/injustice/violence is so frustratingly different and minimal that the divide isn’t worth crossing, not even for love. It’s also something that can make one question if our understanding of love comes from a conquered colonized mindset that has forced us to elevate and desire whiteness. And what kind of love is that then? Can real love exist between two people when the imbalance of privilege, quality of life, and just plain safety is severe and often insurmountable? Even love between Black people and non-Black POC can stretch the limits of understanding and solidarity. So, this is where listening to your heart and soul is of the utmost importance.

7. Grab yer umbrella and walk through the white tears
So maybe this gloriously f*cked up human is worth it. Maybe this thing between you two is worth salvaging and navigating the dark and hard places. And like, maybe they’ve been a bedrock of stability and support for your entire personhood and you want to walk through the storm with them. Ok, then. Make this decision for yourself, tho. Do not give in to pressure or coercion. So how do you move forward? Again, here’s how I’ve done it and continue to do it.

• Ask for uninterrupted talk-time. If they can’t do this, then fuck, idk what to tell you. But for me, it was a demand and not a request. Either you let me talk and tell you about how you fucked up on me, or we don’t do this at all.
• Speak without apologizing for your feelings. Lay out the hows and the whys. Ex: When you said/did X, I felt violated. Your actions were rooted in white supremacy and racism. It hurt me and made me not want to deal with you. This is my truth and you cannot explain your way out of this or flip it on me. If those are your intentions, we can stop right now. We can discuss this in an honest way once you’ve apologized.
• Allow them to respond to your statements and ask questions. You’ve made the decision to wade through this. Let your partner get out their weird/misguided or absolutely fucked feelings. Deal with what you can and be very clear about what you cannot and will not help them through. Again, if they start getting argumentative or turning things into a debate, step away.
• Remember that at any time, you have the right to step away and regroup.
• Share resources and hold them accountable for finding their own. I’ve sent links and shared books with my current girlfriend, just as a general practice but also during random moments of racial tension. I’ve also kept a lookout for when she goes and does radical awesome intersectional work on her own and with others. That shit is mandatory.

Ok, dip your hips and do the butterfly if you’ve made it this far. White supremacy is a motherf*cker, so is white fragility, which is what we’re dealing with when we choose to engage in discussions of race with yt partners.

Dr. Robin D’Angelo, a dope anti-racist educator, defines white fragility as: a state in which even a minimum amount of racial stress becomes intolerable, triggering a range of defensive moves. These moves include outward display of emotions such as anger, fear and guilt, and behaviors such as argumentation, silence and leaving the stress-inducing situation.

I wish I had a term for the act of diving into emotionally distressing conversations with romantic partners steeped in white fragility. That shit causes some serious toxic stress. And if you’re someone whose identity is connected to multiple marginalized groups: trans, brown, disabled, impoverished, to name a few — as many of us are. The stress of microaggressions and acts of racism is coming from so many sides. To add one’s romantic relationship to the mix of unsafe situations is further debilitating. How dare we not have a word for that type of stress and emotional pain. Like, the fact that we don’t have a term says so much, right? Maybe we could make one up.

I’ve laid out some examples, some tips, links, and a huge chunk of myself here in this post. It’s not perfect but I hope it’s helpful. I’ve had moments in relationships where everything is perfect and then boom, something awkward and race-based happens and I’ve felt alone. I’ve felt like there’s nowhere to really go with this type of stuff and these feelings. I’ve wondered if I was being too sensitive or too angry, or if I need to leave this human that I love so much for safer racial pastures.

Again, we all come from different worlds with complicated intersections of privilege and suffering. Many of us need to check our privileges while simultaneously calling out the world for misgendering, misrepresenting and mis-everything our identities. This type of stuff is messy and complicated and makes us cry. But if we’re gonna do this and fall in love and stick it out, then we need all the help we can get.

I would love to hear from all of you. What types of racial microaggressions have you experienced in your relationships? What steps did you take to get through them? How did you heal?

To read more about microaggressions:

• Disarming Microaggressions:
  How Black College Students Self-regulate Racial Stressors Within Predominately White Institutions
• Racial Microaggressions In Real Life
• Why White People Freak Out When They’re Called Out About Race
• Is It You Or Is It Racist? The Insidious Impact Of Microaggressions On Mental Health
• The Microaggressions Project
• Students See Many Slights as Racial Microaggressions
• Eight Things White People Need to Really Understand About Race
• Discussing Micro-Aggressions

I could literally keep adding links forever. Please add your own in the comments to make our list stronger!

This comment space is primarily for POC to discuss this issue — if you choose to post as a white person, please be aware that your comment could be deleted if it’s unproductive to the discussion. 

You Need Help: Your Girlfriend Says Offensive Stuff and You Aren’t Sure How to Deal

Feature image via Shutterstock.

Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

Dearest Autostraddle,

I’ve been dating my (amazing, sexy, opinionated) girlfriend for about six months now. We have a lot in common in terms of values, but there are some major sticking points that I think stem from our respective educational backgrounds and what they mean for our queerness(es). I went to a hippy-dippy liberal arts school where I “came out” by starting to make out with girls on the dance floor one night and no one really asked questions. I also had the benefit of a supportive infrastructure — there were at least three LGBTQ groups on campus at any given time. My honey, on the other hand, went to a super preppy, conservative college and was one of the few gay people on campus when she finally did come out. While I identify fairly closely with the queer community, I don’t think she feels that way (which isn’t necessarily bad!)

Because she didn’t have the same opportunities to be exposed to and learn about queer culture the way I did, she often expresses some opinions I find offensive and ignorant. For example, she finds effeminate gay men annoying and has characterized trans people in reductive ways. When she expresses those opinions, I get offended, though I also try to explain my reaction. However, she maintains that she wants to be able to share those feelings with me and I don’t want to make her shut down. That being said, how do I tell her that some of the things she says (though, granted, she wouldn’t say them in front of anyone else) are just WRONG? I want to be a resource but I don’t want to be offended all the time or get pigeon-holed as the non-feeling educator.

Before I get started, I’m going to clarify that because of the way you frame your letter, I am assuming you and your girlfriend are both cis women, and I’ll be answering this question from that perspective. If I’m wrong, let me know in the comments, and we’ll take it from there.

Sometimes we love people who don’t share our same value systems or knowledge sets. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love them, but it can mean we need to work hard to make sure we aren’t compromising our own values just to placate them.

To sum up what I got from your letter: You think your girlfriend (I’m going to call her Amanda) is the bee’s knees. She thinks you’re the bomb. Amanda has opinions about trans and queer people that you find offensive, sometimes flat-out wrong. She only shares these opinions with you, but when you speak up and say you take offense, she is dismissive. You don’t want to stop speaking up, but it sounds like you’re concerned about how this will affect your relationship.

There are two things going on here: one is about your relationship with Amanda, and the other is about your desire to be an ally to your queer community. I’m going to address these things separately a little bit, but mostly together because they’re really completely intertwined. Being an ally is about building and maintaining relationships over time, both with people we share identities with, and people we don’t.

First, with regards to your relationship: it sounds like Amanda trusts you, and sees you as someone who can make her feel heard and respected. This is great! But you deserve to be heard and respected, too. It’s important that she be able to confide in you, yes, but there’s a difference between being a confidante and being a carte blanche receptacle for her opinions, especially if they hurt you. That’s not how it works. You actually don’t owe her that.

When it comes to allyship: it’s really important for cis people to educate other cis people about gender and trans issues. I’d go so far as to say it’s our responsibility to do it patiently, clearly and persistently, because it helps create a world in which trans people don’t have to shoulder the entire burden of raising awareness about trans issues. An important way for cis people to be allies to trans people is to be allies even when trans people aren’t in the room. Trust your gut when it tells you that you don’t want to let what Amanda says off the hook.

So now let’s look at how your relationship and your allyship intertwine.

I think it’s interesting that you say Amanda wouldn’t say these things to anyone else. Whether she’s told you this outright or if it’s just something you’ve intuited, I’m not sure. But I think it’s important you ask yourself why you are the only one who hears her say these things. I don’t know what the answer is. You said she doesn’t have strong connections to a queer community, so it’s entirely possible these things just don’t come up with anyone else. But I also wonder if she thinks it’s fine because you give her a free pass when you don’t want to upset her or disrupt your relationship equilibrium.

I hear you in your concern that you don’t want to be pigeonholed as the educator. It can be really hard and exhausting to take on this role for people who you love (or just really really like). But would it help if I told you it’s ok if you don’t transform Amanda overnight? Because it’s not something that can happen instantly. She isn’t going to learn everything you want her to know immediately, or maybe ever. If you want to maintain your relationship with her while also helping her be a better ally or more informed, I think it’s entirely possible, but it’s going to take time, and it’s going to take work, because allyship is about building and maintaining relationships, not about achieving a particular status or getting all the cookies. It’s impossible for her — or for you — to be right every time.

One thing I do want to push back against is your sense that you need to be a “non-feeling” educator. It doesn’t sound like you are educating without feeling. It sounds like you feel this is important to you. But something I’ve noticed is that you’re framing your queerness entirely within the context of your college environment. Though it’s hard to know for sure from your letter, I wonder if this is part of why you haven’t had much success talking with Amanda about this so far. Remember, that academia often (and let’s be real – ESPECIALLY with stuff about identity, gender, and sexuality) utilizes inaccessible language to describe situations that affect people’s lives in really REALLY real ways. As a person who also went to a hippy-dippy liberal arts school, there have definitely been times when I have put my “academic” hat on to explain why someone is being offensive about gender stuff. With people who aren’t super familiar with that vocabulary or context, it’s never been particularly successful. I’ve been much more effective when I’ve put my “empathetic human” hat on to describe why something is offensive or incorrect.

If you’re having trouble parsing out the difference between those hats, I’d recommend you take some time to make a list of all the reasons why it’s important to you (to YOU — not your professors or favorite queer theorists or even your favorite Tumblr-ists) for your girlfriend to be on the same page as you. Do you have close friends or family members who would be hurt by your girlfriends’ opinions? Are there things she says that hurt you personally? See if you can shift from “non-feeling” educator to “feeling” educator. Then when this comes up again, frame your offense in terms of “I statements.” It might be easier for Amanda to connect with what you’re trying to communicate if she sees how it affects you on an emotional level, not just an intellectual one.

Ultimately, the decision to change comes down to her. You can try to shift your strategies based on what I’ve said here, and maybe one of them will make things click for her. But you also have to be ready for the possibility that you just might not be able to get through. In the end, all you can really do is trust yourself, trust what you want from the situation, and trust that you deserve to be heard by your girlfriend.

Send your questions to youneedhelp [at] autostraddle [dot] com or submit a question via the ASK link on autostraddle.tumblr.com. Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.

You Need Help: Your Girlfriend Wants to Date Other People and It’s Breaking Your Heart

feature image via shutterstock

Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

Q: I’m 24 years old. My girlfriend (I think she is still my girlfriend, I guess) is 24 years old too. We met during our first year in university and started dating a few months after that. We have been together for 6 years now. She is the only woman I have been with and it is the same for her. We don’t live together right now, because we have jobs in different cities, but we have been seeing each other almost every weekend, we keep travelling together, etc. I had a sense that she had feelings for someone in her group of friends where she lives; I understand that it’s normal to be attracted to other people, she loved me and we were together, so I didn’t really care.

Then, three weeks ago, she told me she would like to be in a open relationship with me. She said we have been together for so long, and we were so young when we started dating that she needed to know that it would be OK to explore new things at some point. Now, I guess it’s maybe a bit traditional, but the way that I love does not really work that way. Anyway, she explained that she wanted to “end up” with me, that there would never be someone else that would make her feel so loved and so at ease. That it didn’t mean she was going to hook up with someone the next day, or that she was actively looking for someone. She just wanted to know if that door was open. So I said yes, because I love her and I was willing to try and I want her to be happy.

We had plans to spend Valentine’s Day together, but on Wednesday she called me and said that she needed to tell me something. She had a date for the weekend. With someone she had liked for a while. A male co-worker that she would like to date at least for a while, so she wouldn’t have the same amount of time for me.

And I completely broke down. I feel betrayed. First of all because she obviously lied to me three weeks ago. Secondly because she told me on the phone, and that was shitty when taking into account that three days ago we had been together. Also because she already had a date when she told me that there wasn’t a specific person on the horizon, and on a weekend she supposedly wanted to spend with me.

And last (but oh-god not least), she is going on a date with someone from a group of friends that doesn’t know I exist. I mean, we are out to our families and our closest friends, but her co-workers do not know that she is dating a woman. And what makes it even worse is that if she keeps on dating that guy, everyone from her workplace will know. But no one will know about me. She said that he does know I exist, but, really, what does he know? Does he know how long we’ve been together? Or what we’ve been through? I just feel completely tossed aside.

[question edited for length]

Oh holy mother of cabbage, this sounds so painful, and you sound so sad. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, and that you’re feeling so much pain because of someone you love and trusted. You must be feeling really terrible right now! This is so much. Maybe make yourself a cup of tea first and then come back here and we’ll talk.

The thing that I can’t get over, and what seems to me to be the root of what’s happening between you and your girlfriend, is that she seems to be looking out for herself instead of looking out for your relationship. Not because she wanted an open relationship, that’s not an inherently selfish thing — for many people that’s a healthy choice that strengthens their relationship as well as fulfilling them personally. But it doesn’t seem like your girlfriend really checked in on that first point. From what you’ve described about your conversation, your girlfriend wasn’t trying to make a case that being open would be better for your relationship; she was making a case that it would be better for her.

Which, again, isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker! Compromises in relationships happen all the time, and that’s how life works. Sometimes you end up making big relationship decisions that are centered around one person’s needs — you move across the country for their job or come out to your parents because they don’t want to be closeted — and that’s okay. I’m 100% certain that there are relationships out there where openness was negotiated because one partner wanted it even though the other partner didn’t, and that was the right decision and it went great. But it doesn’t seem like that’s what’s happening here.

Even though your girlfriend did enter into a conversation with you about opening up your relationship, a conversation in which you could have said no, she still wasn’t honest with you, and she didn’t continue to start conversations with you about things going forward — she just informed you. It’s not clear from your question how you responded, but it doesn’t sound at all like these were decisions that were being made with your participation. It doesn’t sound either like your girlfriend necessarily considered how they might make you feel. Major relationship changes, and the sub-changes that come with them, should never be unilateral decisions, and your right to weigh in on how your relationship functions doesn’t disappear once you agree to open it up.

This is all to say that it doesn’t sound like your girlfriend is super invested in your happiness or the health of your relationship, and is more interested in adjusting your relationship such that she’s technically “allowed” to do whatever she wants while still having you as a girlfriend. A decision as major as opening up a relationship after 6 years isn’t one conversation, it’s a series of conversations again and again to continue talking about it and seeing how well it’s working and how everyone feels. If your girlfriend had initiated a conversation rather than a declaration, and said “I’m interested in seeing this guy at work; what do you think?” in good faith, you could have brought up your (extremely valid!) concerns about outness. And something could have been figured out, maybe a lot of pain could have been averted and we could all be having a picnic right now. The fact that your girlfriend hasn’t seemed interested in these latter necessary conversations sucks, and I’m really sorry.

The bottom line is that a good relationship requires everyone in it to think about how things will affect 1. them, 2. the other person, and 3. the relationship as an organism. Even though we live in the real world, and there will be times when at least one of those things has to take a hit, that should never be business as usual. It’s really, really awful to feel like your partner is only concerned about themselves, and the life you’ve built together is an afterthought.

I’m not gonna mandate what you need to do in your relationship with your girlfriend — it’s up to you what next steps you want to take. But your girlfriend has certainly been advocating for her own wants and needs, and now you need to do the same. Your hurt, your fears, your concerns, about this situation and about your relationship as a whole are important; you deserve to have them reckoned with as much as your girlfriend does hers. I think you need to at least confront your girlfriend with the fact that she’s been making decisions based on her own desires and not the health of your relationship, and set some real expectations about what you deserve as a girlfriend and as a person. Whether or not your girlfriend can meet those expectations and be what you need, regardless of who else you two are or are not dating, is really what will determine whether you “end up” with her.It’s possible that even if you do get to a place where you’re having healthier conversations about an open relationship, an open relationship just isn’t what you want, and it won’t be possible to find a compromise that will respect her wellbeing, your wellbeing, and your relationship’s wellbeing. Maybe it will be. I hope that whatever happens leaves you happy and never ever feeling tossed aside.

Send your questions to youneedhelp [at] autostraddle [dot] com or submit a question via the ASK link on autostraddle.tumblr.com. Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.

You Need Help: Will You Grow Together or Grow Apart?

Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

Q: When me and my boyfriend met, he hadn’t come out as trans yet, and I was a baby queer (in her mid twenties) coming to terms with the fact that all these feelings towards other girls I experienced while growing up were actually romantic and sexual feelings rather than abnormal/irrelevant phases. A year later, he told me there was something we needed to talk about, so we sat down, and he told me that he wasn’t sure about his gender identity and that he felt like he might be more on the male side of the spectrum. He was worried what that would mean for me and us and I just told him that I appreciate his trust in me and that that wouldn’t be a problem at all, that I love him and that the first thing he should have on his mind is what this all means for him. It’s a few months later and I should be really happy for him. And I am! But I’m starting to feel kind of lost and scared and I don’t know if it has to do with the fact, that he is, of course, changing. And quite frankly I think I am scared of finding out that I am not interested in men after all. I tried to explain this to someone but it was met with transphobic remarks like, “But he still has a vagina, right, so where’s the problem?!” and it didn’t get much better from there on out.

I am also starting to feel unwelcome when I enter queer spaces. I am constantly met with “so you’re straight again, eh?!” and other phrases like that and I am sometimes feeling irrationally frustrated towards my partner, that everyone seems to navigate my sexual identity alongside his gender. I do know that I should direct my anger at the community, but I am mostly feeling shut out and scared when thinking about that. 

I am so lost. I feel like crying a lot lately and it gets harder to not let it show. Maybe you have an idea where to go from here — because I truly don’t. [Edited for length]

A:
You know that Ke$ha song, “We R Who We R”? Well, what I’m about to write has nothing to do with that song, really, but here’s the thing: We are who we are.

I don’t have a simple answer for you because there is no simple answer. I can tell from the way you write about your boyfriend that you were very much in love, that you still love him and care about him, and that you have a deep friendship. The question that is lurking, unstated, is this: Do you want to be in this relationship anymore?

It sounds like you were an amazing partner and friend to your boyfriend when he came out as trans. You made it clear that you still love him and would support him. I have no doubt you were being honest in that moment. Of course you were. You want to see your partner grow and be their best self in a healthy relationship. You are obviously still happy for him. But, now that time has passed and things have started to change in your relationship, you need to be honest again. He is being his most true self. Who is your most true self? Are you happy?

In the best case scenario, in a long term relationship, you and your love grow individually in ways that strengthen you as a couple. It’s not easy, but loving someone through changes in their self or the relationship is part of what defines a long-term partnership and makes it strong. Of course, that doesn’t always happen. Even in the healthiest relationships, sometimes people grow in ways that pull them apart from each other.

As a bi/pan/queer person who has dated cis and trans men and women and is weddinged to a trans boi, I just want to take a moment to validate that the pushback you feel from the LGBTQ community is absolutely real. Some people will unfortunately make assumptions about your sexual orientation based on the gender of your partner which are: a) none of their damn business and b) hurtful and marginalizing. It absolutely disconnects you from your community when people either invalidate or refuse to recognize your queerness.

You have every right to be upset. As you are aware, it isn’t fair to put the blame for this on your partner. It sounds like he, too, no longer feels comfortable in queer spaces. He shouldn’t put that on you, either. It is terrifying to realize that you might be shut out of a community that’s supposed to be inclusive and welcoming because of who you love. A community that nurtured you and helped you become who you are today. It’s not OK. It’s deeply hurtful. It can be traumatizing.

No one else gets to dictate how you identify or whether you’re “queer enough.” Just as your boyfriend is identifying and being exactly who he is, you deserve to be exactly who you are. You can still identify however you prefer. You can be a lesbian who is in love with a man. You can identify as bisexual, pansexual or queer. You can decide you’re straight, after all. You can decide that you are attracted specifically to your partner, regardless of their gender. You can choose to have no label. Only you get to define yourself. If other people don’t like that or don’t get it, forget them.

“Forgetting them” is easier said than done, of course. The stress of your friends and community doing and saying hurtful things could be taking a toll on you and on your relationship. When you’re alone or in safe spaces where people are not judgmental, do you still feel “lost and scared” about your relationship? Does this anxiety come from the relationship itself or from how you’re being perceived and treated because of your relationship?

OK, so here’s where you need to be honest again. It’s possible you might realize that you’re not attracted to men, that you’re not into your partner any more because he’s a man. You can love your boyfriend but not be in love with him. You can be attracted to your boyfriend, but not be in love with him. You can be in love with him but not attracted to him. You can strongly identify as a lesbian and just not be open to dating men at all. It’s entirely possible that you are just not right for each other anymore.

It is also possible that the stress of your friends and community saying and doing hurtful things is taking its toll on you, and in turn, a toll on your relationship. Either way, it’s important that you really prioritize noticing how you’re feeling and where that’s coming from, so that you can be honest with yourself and your boyfriend.

Your boyfriend knows who he is and is making decisions in his life that fulfill him. It seems like you’re confused about what that means for you, who or what will fulfill you. Only you know the answer. Whether you decide to stay or to go, and whatever kind of relationship you decide you want with your local LGBT community, things are different now. It won’t be easy. Your heart will likely break at least a little either way, because staying with anyone in the long term means getting through changes together, and that’s always hard.

I wish I could wave a wand and make your friends and queer spaces safe, but I have no magic spells to fix that. Systematically, yeah, we’re working on it. You’re always welcome here at Autostraddle. If that really is the issue, you need to have a real heart to heart with your boyfriend about how much the feeling of losing your community is affecting you. You need to be 100% honest with each other about how you are feeling if you want to grow together through this. Holding your feelings back will only lead to resentment later. Support each other in finding or creating new spaces that are affirming and inclusive. Create relationships with people who have experiences and relationships similar to yours, so you can support each other rather than feeling isolated. It hurts to break up with your community, but it might be necessary if that community has become toxic.

I also wish I could magically make your relationship perfect and not confusing. I wish I could do that for a lot of people. Dude, I’d be so rich if I could do that. I’d have an infomercial and a toll-free number and I would SAVE LIVES. Anyway, I can’t. And that’s not how relationships are, anyway. People are not perfect. People change. It’s possible that these changes are ones that you two will lean into together and eventually bring you closer together; it’s also possible you and your boyfriend are growing apart and need to break up. There’s a multitude of reasons why this might be. If that’s the case, it will hurt. But staying in a relationship that is not working any more is not fair to either of you. You both deserve to be happy and loved exactly as you are; only the two of you can figure out whether that’s more feasible in your relationship or out of it.

I have a feeling you already know the answer, though I don’t know what it is. Be honest and compassionate with yourself. Be honest and compassionate with your boyfriend. Good luck, friend.

Send your questions to youneedhelp [at] autostraddle [dot] com or submit a question via the ASK link on autostraddle.tumblr.com. Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.

You Need Help: Is It A Fine Bromance?

Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

Q:

Like every other young gay trying to stumble through the dating world, I’m making a horrible mess of a situation that is probably easily solved. My girlfriend and I have been together for just over a year and love each other to bits, but communication as of late leads to arguments and fighting. Before we started dating, I’d tried to woo a girl I was ultimately turned down by, and it turns out that my present girlfriend slept with that girl before we got together. I get that I have no right to be upset by it, but she lied to me all year about it and hid it from me, which hurts, and there isn’t much trust where this girl is concerned. They have a “bromance” of sorts; talking about personal topics, meeting up together and hanging out, and they hide it from me because they think it’s the right thing to do, in terms of not hurting me. All it’s making me feel like is that there is something to hide, which they assure me nothing would ever happen.

I believe them, but there wasn’t much time to get over the girl when my current GF and I started dating. That, combined with how often they talk and stuff, makes me paranoid, particularly when they don’t tell me. It’s not as if they should say something, but by omission it feels like they’re hiding something. When I try and tell my girlfriend, she responds, “OK well I just won’t talk to her anymore if it’ll make you happy.” But I don’t want her to stop talking to the girl because of me, it’s not fair, I get that. How can I tell her to let me heal, repair the trust that keeps breaking between us and keep her happy with her ‘bro’? I feel so angry with them both, but I can’t let this girl go, she means everything to me.

A:

Oh, Agnes! Is it okay if I call you Agnes? Good, ’cause I’m calling you Agnes. I was gonna call you Lenore, but then I changed my mind and decided that I’m gonna call you Agnes, and I’m gonna call your girlfriend Lenore, and I’m gonna call your girlfriend’s bromantic gal pal Millicent.

Okay, great, now that we’ve got that squared away.

Agnes, it’s true that you don’t have a right to be upset at Lenore for hooking up with Millicent before the two of you got together, or for hanging out with Millicent now. However, did you tell Lenore not to tell you when she hangs out with or talks to Millicent? If not, I’m curious where she got the idea that lying to you about it is “the right thing to do, in terms of not hurting me.” Because it sounds like you’re pretty hurt and that you don’t think it’s the right thing to do.

If you ask your girlfriend “what did you do today?” and she intentionally leaves big chunks out of that description on the regular, and those chunks didn’t involve her planning a secret birthday party for your cat or undertaking an undercover spy mission for the Canadian government, then she is lying. Lies of omission are still lies and you have a right to be upset about them — given, that is, that she isn’t just following your instructions. If she’s been lying to you about this repeatedly for a long time, I’m not surprised that you’re losing your mind a little bit, that shit is hard to handle!

Look, I’m totally for “having separate lives” and I think it’s important, in relationships, to have the freedom to disappear sometimes and to not always feel like you have to “check in.” I also understand that sometimes a person might do a thing that they know will be interpreted by their partner as having some ridiculously overblown significance even though it wasn’t a big deal at all, and therefore will leave it out of her daily recap. That’s sometimes okay. Sometimes. In general when it comes to an isolated lie of omission like that, though, I tend to go by the rule that if whatever that person is doing with their time has a genuine impact on your relationship and your feelings for her and about her, then you’ll feel that impact regardless of whether or not she discloses her whereabouts that one afternoon. If something is up, something is up. You don’t need to read her diary or check her phone messages or drive around town looking for her car to know that something is up when something is up. That’s when you sit down for a conversation about “what’s up,” not a conversation about some texts you snooped on or some sex romp you imagined.

So there are three possibilities here:

1. Something is up — and you do say that lately all your conversations have devolved into fighting, which is troubling.

2. She’s lying to you out of emotional laziness, in which case you both need to get way better at communicating with each other because avoidance and lies of omission are not mature relationship communication strategies.

3. She’s lying to you because you’ve become very difficult to tell the truth to.

So where do you go from here? Well, for starters, you’ve got to weed out all of the feelings Lenore should care about from the ones she shouldn’t care about. Lenore has no obligation to care that you once liked Millicent, or that there wasn’t much time to “move on” between liking Millicent and falling for Lenore. I’d keep that feeling to yourself, it’s not Lenore’s problem and is probably very hurtful to her. If you’re still carrying a torch for Millicent, you need to either put out that flame or promise to never talk about it again.

But if Lenore has been deliberately keeping secrets from you because she has something to hide or because she prefers emotional shortcuts to hashing things out and this makes you feel shitty and paranoid, then she should care about those feelings. Irrational paranoia is the #1 cause of Passive-Aggressiveness, which is a deadly flesh-eating virus that attacks rocky lesbian relationships and consumes them from the inside like Hep V. Convenient lies of omission are not a very solid foundation for a trusting relationship. I mean, we’re lesbians: we’re friends with people we’ve had sex with and sometimes our girlfriends have complicated relationships with people we have complicated relationships with. This is the way that we live.

Furthermore, unless you actually said “I would be happier if you never spoke to her again,” her saying “OK well I just won’t talk to her anymore if it’ll make you happy” is also stupid. It’s derailing, immature and overdramatic. Stick to the topic at hand — you’re having a hard time trusting her because she’s lied to you in the past, and you wanna be sure that doesn’t happen again. Your previous feelings for Millicent aren’t the issue, nor is her hanging out with other girls.

The issue here is one thing: trust. That goes both ways: she agrees to stop lying to you about where she is, and you agree to react fairly and evenly when she does tell you the truth. Call her out for lies of omission directly but calmly, maybe even teasingly, and give her the freedom to do the same if you get a little overdramatic. Consensual teasing is often a great argument dissipation strategy. There are so many moments of relationship failure that can be salvaged by both people taking a step back and laughing at themselves. 

If open communication and honesty don’t get your love back on track, then you can cross that bridge when you come to it. But for now, try communication and assumptions of good faith. Or scissoring? Or a threesome. JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE THREESOME DON’T DO THAT.

Love,

Riese

Okay weirdos, what do y’all think about this situation?

You Need Help: Your Girlfriend Was Sexually Assaulted and You Don’t Know How to Help

Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.

Q: So I’ve been dating this girl for about a month and a half now. I’m currently on vacation while she’s back home and she told me she had to tell me something important when I got back in a week. So, being impatient, I pressed the matter and she told me she’d been raped. Her friend had a party at a bar or something, which I told her to go to so that she could let loose and have fun while I was gone, even though she didn’t want to. Basically her friend found her outside, took her home and she woke up bruised, bloody, and couldn’t remember a thing. She got ahold of the police and got medical attention, but there wasn’t much evidence other than the bartender telling her she went to the bathroom then left with some guy. And the only consolation I had for her was that I hope she’s okay and she should talk to a counselor or trusted adult. She hasn’t told her parent because she thinks they’d freak and she’s feeling embarrassed and ashamed and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do because I feel bad for pushing her to go. And everything seems a mess.

A: Let’s start with this: what you said to your girlfriend was not bad at all. You obviously believe her and do not blame her and that is huge. HUGE. Often when someone discloses sexual assault, the first and sometimes only person they tell is a partner, friend, or family member. How that person reacts is a big deal. You did not judge her or blame her. You obviously care about her and showed concern. You believed her. You did a really good thing there. If you had been judgmental or jealous or refused to believe what happened, she might have been more likely to believe that it was her fault. You did a great job in supporting her.

Where to go from here is a valid question. There’s so much shame and silence around sexual assault, even though it’s horrifyingly common. In the U.S., a sexual assault happens every 2 minutes. 1 out of 6 women and 1 out of 33 men have experienced sexual assault or attempted sexual assault, and that’s just based on reported numbers. For the LGBTQ community, the numbers are comparable or even higher. 1 out of 8 lesbian women and almost half of bisexual women experience rape in their lifetime. The stats are also disproportionately high for gay and bisexual men. Transgender people are most at risk, 64% likely to experience sexual assault. It’s a huge problem in our culture and in our LGBTQ community. Your girlfriend is absolutely not alone.

Talking about it is another thing, though. We don’t ever see or learn how to talk about sexual assault. It’s not something you see in the media. On TV, there is either the SVU version of sexual assault, where virtually every survivor gets justice from a court (which is completely false — 97% of rapists walk free) or the Lifetime movie version where the victim has PTSD or flies into a revenge-fantasy rage. There’s still a lot of shame and victim-blaming out there and it makes sense that your girlfriend doesn’t want to tell her parents because she’s afraid they will judge her. (For the record, she doesn’t ever have to tell them if she doesn’t want to. She can still get confidential and free counseling from your local rape crisis program, even if she is a minor.)

With all this silence around sexual assault, it is not surprising you and your girlfriend are struggling with how to talk about this and wondering how it will affect your relatively new relationship. You might start by acknowledging how unsettling and uncomfortable the situation is, if you haven’t already. It’s OK to say that you don’t know exactly what to say, that hearing this over the phone makes it hard to offer her the support you want to give, and that this is completely new territory for you. Chances are, it is uncomfortable and upsetting and new for her, too. The most important thing you can say and do, which you’ve already said, is that you are there to support her.

OK, great. But “support” is a vague term, right? Like, what does that even mean? What can you actually do for your partner? What should you not do? Here are some tips, based on my experience as a sexual assault advocate and hotline counselor:

• Listen. Don’t judge. Don’t tell her what to do. It’s up to your girlfriend what —if anything — she wants to do next. She may need time to heal. She may need to process this by herself. She may want to talk about it with a trusted close friend or a counselor. She may want to talk to you. She may decide to follow up on the police report. She may decide to let it go. She may be comfortable jumping right back into your relationship. She may need to take things slow for awhile. And it’s possible that she might be mostly OK. Whatever happens next, the decision should be 100% hers. Your role is to listen, affirm to her that anything she chooses will be right, and make sure she knows you’ll support her in her decisions. Sexual assault takes away a person’s power. It’s important not to make this worse by putting pressure on your girlfriend to do something they don’t want or aren’t ready for yet. Your job is to listen, not to fix.
• Don’t be weird, but do check in. Check in with your partner about how they are feeling and be there to listen, but don’t be a weirdo. Don’t avoid them or hang all over them or tip toe around them like they are made of glass and might shatter at any moment. Ideally, you should try to have at least one conversation where you and your partner talk about what might be helpful to them, what they want from you, what they don’t want, how you can check in and communicate with each other. Have this face-to-face, if you can, and in a safe and neutral space. Unless your partner wants you to, don’t ask them about it every single day. Act like a normal person, yourself, the person they love. It’s OK to show them you’re there in little ways that are unrelated to the sexual assault. Make them their favorite food. Send them funny pictures of cats.
• Understand this may (or may not) affect your sexual intimacy. After sexual assault, people can react in many ways. Some people may be uncomfortable being touched or grabbed, even by their loved ones. Some people may have a hard time feeling sexy and sexual again. Some people may not be OK with certain kinds of sex or with sex at all. When your body has been violated, it can take time to feel like you have control of it again. Sometimes not letting anyone else touch you is a way to maintain control and safety. It is, of course, also possible that your partner may be totally fine with sex and it is possible that having affirming, trusting sex with you is a way to deal with the sexual assault, too. Be extra open to your partner when it comes to sex and consent. If you are being intimate and your partner suddenly pulls away or starts tearing up or goes limp, check in and let them know it’s OK to stop. Usually, over time, most people are able to go on and have a healthy sex life again. Sometimes people need to do some healing work with a counselor to get there.
• Take care of yourself, too. This is important. Really, really important. Hearing that someone you care deeply about has been sexually assaulted can be extremely upsetting, even traumatizing. It makes your heart hurt and it can make you feel powerless, too. If you are a survivor of sexual assault or sexual abuse, it may open old wounds for you. Even if you have never experienced sexual assault, you may start experiencing survivor’s guilt. You may just feel really sad or really angry or really confused. Reaching out to AS was a great thing to do. There are other places you can reach out to get support for yourself, including your local rape crisis center or the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1.800.656.HOPE). You deserve support, too. You may need to heal, too. Your emotions are valid, too.

This is a relatively new relationship. You may go on to date for a million years and have a beautiful unicorn-themed wedding on a private island. That might happen. You also might go your separate ways. It is hard to say right now. When something traumatic happens at the beginning of a relationship, it can pull people closer together. It can also push people apart. By no fault of your own or your girlfriend, this may be too much for you right now. It may be that you need to step back, take a break, or be just friends for a while. It may be too hard to sort your feelings about the relationship out from your feelings about the sexual assault. It is really hard to tell. Only you two know or will come to know.

The last thing I want to say is that you are not at fault any more than your girlfriend is. Neither one of you knew this would happen. It shouldn’t happen. We shouldn’t have to be afraid to go out to a party with friends or go to a bar. We shouldn’t have to be afraid. The only person who fucked up here is the rapist. They are the only one who deserves the blame, all of the blame.

On top of which, you had no way of knowing. You were thinking of her happiness when you suggested she go out with friends instead of sit at home alone. You were being a good, caring girlfriend. Neither of you could have prevented this. You can wish that circumstances were different. You can wish you had not told her to go. You can wish that you were there with her and maybe you could have stopped it. You can obsess over all the “what if’s” and none of that will change what happened. Honestly, even if all the “what if’s” had happened, this still could have happened to your girlfriend that night or at some point in her life. So give yourself permission to let go of that guilt. You don’t deserve that burden and neither does your girlfriend.

You are doing such a good job right now. Reaching out to ask for more ways to support your girlfriend is 100% the right thing to do. Supporting and believing your girlfriend was the best way to respond. I will be thinking of you both and sending you all my love.

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault and you need resources or to talk, help is available 24/7 through RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE and online.rainn.org.

15 Things You Learn When You Move In With Your Girlfriend

There comes a point in every relationship when it makes sense for you to think about cohabitation. If you’re like most gaydies, within a few months of hooking up with a cutie, your toothbrush and spare underwear has slowly migrated to their apartment, and after all the nights of splitting Thai food and swearing their mattress is so much comfier than yours, you might as well throw in the towel and buy the (dog) farm. Moving in with your girlfriend, either to hers or yours or a whole new place you pick out together, can be simultaneously magical and terrifying. You’re about to figure out a lot of things about yourself and about her and about this crazy thing you are doing together. Here are a few things you’ll recognize if you have also joined the U-Haul Club.

1. One of you is inevitably the person running around the house turning off lights and heat. This person tolerates the same environment as a polar bear with sensitive skin. The other one wants to live in a Finnish sauna with enough lighting to perform pore surgery.

2. Chores are about roles, not about the actual chore’s pressing need to be done. One of you is the dish washer and the other is the dish dryer and putter-awayer. One of you is the bearer of the vacuum and one of you will clean toilets because the other person makes a gagging noise. These roles are similar to the feudal caste system, unbreakable even in dire emergency. If there are dirty dishes but the dish washer is not home, the dish dryer will stare at the pile of dirty dishes and then serve their food on a frisbee or paper towel.

3. One person’s tastes in decor will slowly start to dominate the other’s. The former bachelor pad with its gig posters and dumpster furniture will start looking like a pastel-themed Pinterest board. The self-identified House of Femme will be invaded by leather accents and dirty work boots. If you moved into the house together, someone’s style will inevitably rise to the top as victor, and before you know it, there is a definitive theme in all the new furniture. Hope you like polka dots and nautical paraphernalia.

“Oh, um…. sweetie, it’s really… it looks so… nice?”

4. If you don’t make a conscious decision to rotate who chooses the Netflix movie, plague and pestilence will befall your house. Woe to the partner who thinks they can get away with watching Rocky III for the ninth night in a row.

Can you spot the lie? You cannot, because there is no lie in this image.

5. On that note, you have to make time so you can each watch the entertainment too decisive for you to both enjoy simultaneously. The one who likes Downton Abbey gets her private hour to watch Downton Abbey, and the one who thinks British class dramas have all the appeal of foot fungus can watch her teen soap operas on her own time.

6. When you’re first dating someone, it’s likely that you are seeing them at their manufactured best. You’re seeing the product of hours of painstaking personal grooming, which could include intensive hair removal procedures, the use of an actual iron, and vigorous washing of certain body parts that rarely see the light of day. When you’re living with someone, you are going to see that person leaving the bathroom in a dirty pair of sweatpants with last week’s chicken tikka masala stuck to their tank top. Sometimes you have to remind that person to shower. Sometimes that person will point out that you have gum disease. In spite of all this, you will somehow still want to have sex with each other.

7. One of you may be revealed as a blanket stealer. The other person might think that blanket stealing is a crime punishable on the same scale as manslaughter and corporate espionage, but a decent round of cuddling usually cures this orneriness.On that note, you will definitely find out who is the space heater and who is the living icicle. It probably is in direct correlation to the stealing of blankets.

8. How is it possible that one person can leave so many half-empty glasses of water around the house in a matter of hours? How is this a thing?!

9. It turns out that there is a limit to how many U-Haul jokes your friends can make, and the limit is one. Unless you two are making them about yourselves, then U-Haul jokes are hilarious and will be trotted out when your periods align, or when you’re making joint purchases of kitchen appliances, or when you accidentally use the other person’s toothbrush.

The creator of this ecard is a hilarious cutting-edge humorist!

10. Learning how to share a bathroom is a lot like learning to drive: could be seamless, could be disastrous. Some of us will concoct labyrinthine plots to get the bathroom to ourselves. Giving your girlfriend a long list of pointless errands is a good tactic. You will learn who is the morning shower taker and who religiously showers at night. Even if you have to dance complicated dances around each other in order to coexist in the tiniest bathroom on earth, there’s something a little bit sweet about meeting each other’s eye in the mirror and laughing about how you both look like toothpaste monsters.

11. IKEA: High Temple of Moving In With Your Girlfriend.

12. Hopefully you both know how to cook. If all you’re bringing to the table is ramen and microwavable dinners, prepare for a shock to the system. Grocery store trips can become beautiful adventures full of bargain-hunting and pretending that this hunk of expensive cheese is an essential item. It’s also important to have someone who can keep you from eating an entire bag of Doritos for dinner.

13. Someone inevitably becomes the house DJ, usually the person with a paid Spotify subscription. Either you both were lucky enough to be born with an appreciation for Björk, or someone is going to have to suck it up and deal with it.

14. Money, money, money. Or, more accurately, bills, bills, bills. Having to be up front and honest about spending and sharing expenses can be absolutely terrifying, even for a generation of individuals who are so used to exorbitant student loans that debt is as much a fact of life as peanuts or death. Money isn’t always a fun topic, but learning how to talk about it with your partner makes you feel that much less like a stack of babies wearing an adult costume. At the same time, money seems to go away a lot faster when you’re living with someone. Whereas the single life may include choosing not to buy Kleenex because the napkins are free at McDonalds, sharing a house with your girlfriend means that your girlfriend may want to use real tissues. Being on your own means that when you make your own budget, you can choose to only eat cheese sticks for a week so that you can save enough money for a holographic backpack. Your girlfriend probably will not share this budgeting technique, and now you have to buy toilet paper and stop replacing meals with gummy snacks.

15. Agreeing to live with someone you’re in a relationship with is a huge big crazy thing. There are going to be really good times, and there are going to be times when you want to tear your hair out and cry in the corner for a few days. Learning how to deal with each other’s quirks and habits and broccoli farts is a journey, but it’s a journey that can turn out amazing in the end. Enjoy the journey, y’all.

Five Lessons From Poly Relationships That Everyone Can Benefit From

Juggling multiple relationships at different levels with many different people requires a sturdy relationship skill set that makes poly relationships the PhD of human interaction — not better than other types of relationships, but definitely more complicated. Here are five principles central to successful consensual non-monogamous partnerships that can improve basically any relationship.

1. Communication is really important.

Communication is so important. There is no room for unclear communication about desires or boundaries or anything else when being unclear could potentially affect many different people and relationships. Sex educator Charlie Glickman says:

“Something else I’ve learned from being poly is that it requires the ability to talk about and process feelings quickly and efficiently. Of course, that skill will benefit any relationship, but when there are multiple people, each with their own needs and desires, as well as their feelings about each other, there are a lot of moving parts. If I could, I’d tell my younger self that the best way to learn how to process well would be to build social networks full of people who are dedicated to open-hearted, honest communication.”

Communication is important whether you’re a non-primary partner who wants to stay that way or in a primary partnership that’s opening up for the first time or living with your partners and having bathroom sex with someone you met a few hours ago or seeking your very own lesbian throuple. It’s also important when you’re dating one other individual person. It’s just better when everyone is on the same page.

2. Consent is also really important.

One of the most important parts of poly is informed consent. Consent is the thing that separates poly relationships from cheating. In an essay in Feminist and Queer Legal Theory, Elizabeth F. Emens writes:

“Honesty forms the basis of consent. The idea of consent — that partners in a relationship or a sexual encounter make an informed decision to participate in the relationship or the encounter, including knowing its polyamorous context — pervades poly writing, both implicitly and explicitly. That all parties agree to the non-monogamy, rather than participating without their knowledge or consent, is foundational.”

Talking about your relationships or current situation or expectations happens a lot in non-monogamous situations, but can be really useful in monogamous relationships as well. In addition to the obvious importance of enthusiastic consent in sexy situations, collaboration and enthusiasm between everyone at all stages can only lead to a better experience for all.

3. Everyone has feelings and needs.

Sometimes, one of the most important things to remember is that everyone has feelings and needs, and that theirs may be different than yours.

In a discussion of non-primary partners, Shara Smith writes:

“Even when you do have a clearly defined primary relationship (or two, or more), or you have a relationship that tends to have higher priority than others (as in descriptive primary), you still have to be careful not to invalidate your lesser-priority relationships. My ‘secondary’ or satellite partners are every bit as important as my ‘primary’ or core partners. They are human beings with feelings and needs, and by agreeing to be in a romantic relationship with them, I take some responsibility for how my actions affect them. This does not mean I am responsible for their happiness. This means that I am aware of how my actions and words affect them and I can avoid intentionally causing them pain by being insensitive to their emotional needs. Our relationship may have evolved in such a manner as to include less time and attention than my other relationships, but that doesn’t mean that the person in that relationship with me is expendable, disposable, or an interchangeable commodity.”

In translation, don’t be a dick.

4. Jealousy is a dish best served deconstructed.

It’s not that people in non-monogamous relationships don’t ever get jealous; it’s that jealousy gets in the way of thinking about and addressing your actual thoughts or feelings. In The Ethical Slut, Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy write:

“Jealousy may be an expression of insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, feeling left out, feeling not good enough, feeling inadequate, feeling awful. Your jealousy may be based in territoriality, or in competitiveness, or in some other emotion that’s clamouring to be heard under the jealous racket in your brain.”

They also note that sometimes jealousy can be envy — not that you don’t want your partner to do something with someone else, but that you do want them to do that something with you — or feelings of loss — as if it is possible to lose something when your partner has awesome sex with someone else — and continue, “The challenge comes in learning to establish within yourself a strong foundation of internal security that is not depended on sexual exclusivity or ownership of your partner.”

It’s way more fun to feel happy your partner is having great sex or new relationship energy with someone else (this is called compersion) than it is to intellectually support her but wonder the whole time whether it means your connection won’t be as strong. In monogamous relationships, you can know that your partner is having an excellent non-sexy time with people or activities you are not involved with without worrying you will become romantically redundant.

People who feel totally secure in themselves 100% of the time probably still get jealous, whether monogamous or poly, but by recognizing that there are probably other things going on it’s much easier to manage in a way that makes everyone feel good.

5. There is more than one way to have a relationship.

A ton of modern relationships are seen as having one logical path, with all other options being anywhere from less than to completely transgressive. Solo Poly calls this default path the relationship escalator, and defines it as:

“The default set of societal expectations for the proper conduct of intimate relationships. Progressive steps with clearly visible markers and a presumed structural goal of permanently monogamous (sexually and romantically exclusive), cohabitating marriage — legally sanctioned if possible. The social standard by which most people gauge whether a developing intimate relationship is significant, ‘serious,’ good, healthy, committed or worth pursuing or continuing.”

Unsurprisingly, this model not only fails when for people having romantic relationships at different levels of intensity with multiple people, but also fails for many people having a romantic relationship with just one person. If everyone has to follow one relationship model or consider the whole situation a failure, it becomes harder to acknowledge the default expectations in place, easier to encourage remaining in non-ideal relationships and harder to value non-escalator relationships or others’ relationship choices.

Instead, thinking critically about this model — whether in non-monogamous or monogamous relationships, whether following it or not — acknowledges that there’s more than one way to have a valuable relationship, that relationships are still valuable if they end and that it’s important to treat everyone with respect.

There are so many possible types of relationships, and so many ways to conduct those relationships, that thinking about what you actually want from a given situation and how it might work for you (and communicating those needs) is incredibly important.

Feature image by Vanessa Velazquez Photography.

Loving the Women Who Look Like Me: Queer Black Women in Love

When I first came out to myself two years ago, I didn’t know how to love the women who looked like me. I barely knew how to accept my same gender desires, but at least the TV shows, movies, and books that lauded ivory-skinned beauties with hair that grows and flows down taught me how to lust after white women. But, loving, lusting after, dating, fucking, playing with, and appreciating the women with dark(er) skin, and kinky hair (or braids, or perms, or weaves), who were taught, like me, that their curves and edges were undesirable proved a mystery to me. Our histories, victories, pain and truths often mirrored one another’s; we had learned at least to be sistahs in solidarity. However, it sometimes hurt so much just to love myself that I wasn’t sure it was possible for Black women to actively love each other. Romantically. With all the butterfly feelsies. For every Black woman who turned my world upside down, and then subsequently turned it right side up, I would wonder if our hearts had enough room for the beauty and ugliness — the joys and sorrows — of the other’s Black womanhood.

A few days ago, I engaged in a conversation with a group of women of color who were discussing Angel Haze’s relationship with Ireland Baldwin. While most of the women were happy for Angel Haze, a lot of them were disappointed to see yet another queer Black woman dating a white person. The problem wasn’t that dating white people is wrong or inherently a negative experience for women of color; the problem wasn’t even that Alec Baldwin has said some nasty homophobic and anti-Black comments because the sins of the father don’t necessarily make Ireland Baldwin a bad person. What saddened these women was that the prevalence of images of women of color dating white women feeds a fear that queer relationships are only viable or valuable when at least one partner is white. I consider it a win whenever a Black woman, or any woman of color, finds herself in a loving and/or healthy relationship of any kind. Haze and Baldwin appear to have a lovely dynamic, and I hardly believe that Black women should date only Black women out of some obligation to visibility efforts. But, from the conversations I have been having, it appears that many of us Black women (and perhaps, more generally, women of color) are starving to see healthy and happy depictions of our love for each other.

Angel Haze and Ireland Baldwin being all cute and shit

Two years after I first began my coming out journey, I’m still not quite sure how to love the women who look like me. I don’t blame women like Haze, Wanda Sykes, or Robin Roberts for finding companionship in white women. Likewise, I don’t believe Raven Symone and Brittney Griner are better people for having been in relationships with other Black women; however, they do provide public models for young, queer Black women like me that Black women are not society’s untouchables, or unable to grasp on to one another in love and intimacy. But beyond appreciating the celebrities who do engage in partnerships with other Black women, the problem remains that the media doesn’t create images of Black women in love. Why is it so hard to find images of these Black women who cling to me and to each other in times of trouble, who stan so hard for one another’s uplift and success, and who see paradise in the dark bodies the rest of the world deems a battleground, in happy relationships?

I started watching web series like Between Women and Studville TV when I realized that one of the hardest parts about accepting my sexual orientation was that I literally did not believe that Black women were lesbians, bisexuals, pansexuals, asexuals or queer. These web series offered me a chance to see a community I could theoretically belong to (and not just because I shipped myself with the cast of the shows). At the same time, however, these shows provided me with some of the most dangerous models of relationships. The series uncritically demonized studs and masculine of center women as violent, misogynistic, and physically/emotionally abusive, in the case of Between Women, and vilified femmes and feminine of center women as “crazy,” manipulative, and physically/emotionally abusive, in the case of Studville TV. And, neither show really imagined Black female, romantic relationships outside of the stud-femme dichotomy (for the majority of the couples presented). As I hungrily perused and consumed queer Black female web series (forget about even finding many shows about queer Black women on cable television), I found these stereotypes duplicated and reproduced en masse. Furthermore, in the few cable television depictions, healthy representations of Black women in love included the L Word’s biracial Bette in love with a white woman, Glee’s afro-Latina Santana in love with a white woman (and eventually a white Latina woman), and The Foster’s biracial Lena in love with… a white woman. So, the media — even media produced by queer Black women — pathologizes queer, Black, female couples or casts us as happiest with white or white-passing women.

Even the cast of Between Women is not amused by these femme/stud stereotypes

Writer bell hooks explains in We Real Cool the lack of Black love represented in the media and even in the way our society conceptualizes love. She clarifies:

“We do not commonly hear about the black males and females who love each other. We do not hear how they manage to find their way to love when the odds are so stacked against them. We do not hear the ways they establish functional caring black families. The collective silence in our culture about healthy black male and female relationships damages us. It keeps our minds and hearts fixed on all that is not working. It keeps from us the knowledge of what we must do to make relationships work.”

Similarly, we do not hear often about the Black women who find one another in love and tenderness, who build home and families together, or who at least engage in respectful, caring relationships with one another. People should love who they love, and in no way am I policing or condemning interracial relationships. However, I want to see Black possibility. I want to see stories of Black women with happy endings that entwine with my own realities and fantasies. I want to see us Black women no longer the Unmentionables or Untouchables, unafraid of the power and beauty of us loving one another.

8 Great Long-Distance Dates for A Really Gay Valentine’s Day

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and that means that everywhere you go people are scheming up various ways to go overboard in displaying their affection for someone else. For those of us in long-distance relationships, all of these things are complicated by miles, time zones, and perhaps even some oceans. But even if we can’t spring for round-trip tickets for two to a shared favorite destination or get enough time off work to visit for a long weekend, we can make it an adorable night.

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for over a year, so I’m not so much upset about the impending doom that is Valentine’s Day as I am excited to have another excuse to shower Geneva with love from my side of the continent. Everything about February 14 is translatable for long-distance folks who have internet access and a local Post Office: you make Skype dates, you send care packages, you write love letters, you order flowers. It’s all possible! The limit does not exist!

Here’s eight ideas for all-inclusive LDR Valentine’s Day packages: Skype dates and the gifts that make them possible. You choose your own sweets, though, because nobody can tell you what sweets to get for your sweet except your sweet one themself.

Side note: they don’t have Little Debbie in Canada which makes me think Geneva had a twisted childhood. She’s cute, though.

Geneva and my dog ruff each other.

Theatre Geeks

Send your person a gift card for a local movie theater (maybe an AMC, Regal, or Fandango partner theater?) and invite them to a screening that matches up closely with one near you. Text each other about how awful the movie is the entire time while they kick back and eat some popcorn on you, which is only second best to eating it off of you.

Candlelight Dinner

For your Skype date, tell them to get really dressed up – and you do it, too. (This is for the kind of people, probably, who like pants, but please do prove me wrong.) Beforehand, send them some flameless pillar candles and Ferrero chocolates, and order them some flowers. (Also, I highly recommend bow ties as gifts. Especially sparkly ones.) If you each bring a bottle of champagne, order some fancy-ass food, and come prepared to tell a good story from your day, you’ll be set for the romantic night of a lifetime.

Pancakes in Pajamas

Do you guys both have robes? Because all I wanna do is hang out with Geneva in a robe. I actually did spend my entire trip to Vancouver in a robe, and after a while I got Geneva to the dark side. Coincidentally, the dark side looks cute on her.

Sipping cocoa in our cabin, NBD.

This Valentine’s Day, tie your robe tight and get cookin’. Send your boo some pancake or waffle mix, (you’ll also wanna buy some for yourself) and a pair of really cute old lady pajamas; on Valentine’s Day, schedule a Skype date where the two of you cook your pancakes together and then curl up in bed with a bottle of maple syrup.

Morning Coffee

The couple that succumbs to caffeine addiction together stays together, so give your better half an early-morning Skype call with a cup o’ joe in hand and enjoy The Breakfast Routine of Champions: interacting with someone you actually like before 10AM. You’ve got an opportunity to lay it on really thick by sending them some gourmet coffee, tea, or hot chocolate and homemade baked goods for dunking in advance along with a mug.

Pro Tip: Get your special snowflake’s mug in a set of two and keep one at home; when your video chat screen finally loads in full screen, you’ll both be sipping out of matching mugs with matching grins.

Book Club

Send them your favorite book from your collection (extra cool if they’ve never read it) with a note written inside about how much you love them. On Valentine’s Day, Skype and talk about the book and why you sent it to them and how much you love them.

Late-Night Pizza and a Movie

This one’s easy: each of you orders the other a pizza (Papa John’s sells heart-shaped pizzas for one), and then you screen-share a movie on Google Hangout and pretend you’re in love at the drive-in.

4:20 Smoke Sesh

Geneva and Teddy are NOT PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP, I swear.

You send her a mixtape, some light snacks, and maybe something else inside of a small envelope along with a passionate love letter. On Valentine’s Day, you call her at 4:20, light up, and listen to the music with her like The Doobie Brothers 2.0. An hour later, you both take a cat nap, but it’s unplanned.

Dairy Queens

The only thing better than eating ice cream while crying softly alone in your room is eating it with your long-distance lovah. Call your life partner up late at night and eat ice cream sundaes with her while you shoot the shit. Make sure you ship her gift on time so she’s ready with an adorable set of ice cream bowls with matching spoons a la your childhood, some slipper socks, and an electric blanket.

How To Keep A Girl For Ten Years: Don’t Suck When She’s Sick

I am not what anyone would ever refer to as the “traditional” or “religious” type BUT in traditional marriage vows, there’s some decent verbiage not just for married couples (as so many of us cannot legally, THANKS LAWZ) but for any couple attempting to make their relationship work in the long term. During this especially precarious flu season, one rings particularly true about being there for her “in sickness and in health.” I was fortunate to have a lavishly nurturing mother, ripped from the pages of a Normal Rockwell painting, who coddled me well through my late teens and into adulthood. I never suffered any fools nor weathered a scratchy throat without her hastening about the house for cough drops and Earl Grey.

Via wunderground.com

Perhaps my views on the value of nurturing one another in sickness are slightly skewed for this reason. I can’t imagine going it alone nor do I think you should have to if you have a handy dandy lady-friend nearby to do your NyQuil bidding and pet your dewy head with her cool, celestial hands.

Via playingwiththeuniverse.ning.com

When Natalie and I first met, as coddled as we both were by our mothers — neither of us were natural caregivers. One of us would fall ill and the other would sneer around the apartment day-dreaming about all the thrilling misadventures we could be having with a more robust counterpart.

Of course the other wouldn’t forget this betrayal and offer up the same heaping teaspoon of gravel when the situation reversed and the cycle of abuse continued. Since both of us valued being cared for when we were sick, resentment swelled that we didn’t even fully understand the origin of. It also made us question what the other would do if one of us got really, seriously sick. We would get into fights about small, meaningless issues when all we really wanted to say was; “why don’t you take care of me?” When Natalie didn’t take care of me, it felt like she just didn’t care about me.

Via popkitten.com

Obviously, this wasn’t the case because I did the same thing to her and I cared for her very deeply. We couldn’t be each other’s Florence Nightingale, that was clear, it wasn’t how we were wired and we were both too stubborn to admit it’s what we needed.

Via bruxelles-campetre.be

Finally, we came to blows over something very inconsequential and admitted to each other that we both felt forsaken by the other when we got sick and that felt pretty miserable, it made the already unpleasant situation of sickness feel even worse. We both could completely relate to the sentiment and promised that even though it wasn’t in our nature to do so, we would make more of an effort to give more of a shit when the other was sick.

Via likeable.com

But how do you give a shit when you don’t? Let’s face it, nursing someone isn’t everyone’s favorite recreational past time, some are naturals at it but a lot of us just aren’t. You feel like a martyr for a second and that’s pretty righteous but eventually you just get bored and want to poke her with a stick. Don’t get me wrong, I love Natalie with all of my grinchy selfish heart and if she became seriously ill, I would put my world on hold without delay but remaining nurturing and positive while she undulates in torment for what seems like an exorbitant amount of time for a common cold isn’t without effort. Here are some easy things you can do when she falls ill to remain a virtuous beacon of comfort, even if you do about half of these things you should be golden and on your way to durable forever relations:

1. Make Her An Awesome Bed On The Couch!
Natalie is a professional couch bed maker and nothing makes me feel more loved and safe. You simply patch together all of your granny throws and blankets (NOT YOUR BED SHEETS, this defeats the purpose of the couch bed) kind of like Charlie’s car-bed from All Dogs Go To Heaven. The key is to tuck a base blanket into the couch that won’t slip out despite her clammy late night tossing and turning. What’s also important is to take a couple pillows from the bed (but that’s all you take from the bed, remember it’s a couch bed, don’t ruin it) for maximum comfort. Some may prefer the comfort of their beds during sickness, but this is a nice alternative for those that need a change of scenery through an extended illness.

2. Make a trip to the store for Ginger Ale, NyQuil, chicken/veggie soup or whatever other random craving she’s having.
It’s important not to judge her on this mission.

3. Touch Her
If you’re feeling extra loving, a massage is just the ticket to making your loved one feel like you are truly there for her because you want to be. You may not have the energy for the massage after catering to her every whim all day and I know she looks really unsavory covered in snot and tissue fibers, but she needs your ass right now so don’t be stingy. A Brigham Young Study actually showed that human touch lowers blood pressure and stress hormones, so get to touching, it’s SCIENCE.

Via animalscuddling.tumblr.com

I love and hate myself a little for this.

4. Check In At Least Three Times A Day
Make sure that you are actually asking her how she is feeling, if nothing else. Not acknowledging that she is sick or not feeling well will make her hate you secretly if not overtly. I know that there is no way that you would intentionally do this, right? You are probably caught up with some task at school or work but it’s important to let her know you’re thinking of her, even if you aren’t.

5. Stay Home With Her
This may not always be realistic, a lot of you have jobs or class that you can barely miss when YOU get sick but if you can swing it this is an extra special gesture.

6. Binge Her Favorite Show With Her
This pairs well with “staying home with her,” there’s nothing like robo-tripping to an all day 30 Rock marathon to bring you closer together.

7. Take Her To The Doctor
There is nothing lousier when you are sick than driving yourself to the doctor. I recently fell ill to The Flu and Natalie had to peel me off the couch and drag me to the doctor between convulsions, if she hadn’t I probably would have suffered immensely and eventually died in a pool of my own tears and vomit. At the end of the day, you might be saving a life.

Via americanbar.org

8. Cook
Cooking for someone else can be an incredibly loving gesture and even more so when that person is literally unable to cook for themselves. She may not eat what you cook and that might hurt your feelings a little, but remember she is sick and you are nursing her back to health like a baby bird or maybe you’re a terrible cook. I don’t really know, I don’t know you but it’s important that you tried.

9. Fetch Things For Her: tissue, ice water, heating pad, etc.
Pro tip – if you see her starting to get up, ask if you can grab something for her.
Do not sit idly while your sick girl hobbles into the kitchen to blot what’s left of her raw bleeding nose into generic paper towels. That is so sad!

10. If you can muster it, interjections like “aww” or phrases like “poor thang” go a long way.
This may be really difficult for some of you stone colders and if you cannot do it, I get it, you have to maintain that exterior at all costs even if that cost is your girlfriend’s sense of well being. But there is nothing like a saccharine acknowledgment from your loved one that she feels your pain that makes everything seem a little less unbearable. That’s what this is really all about.

Via wikipedia.org

DISCLAIMER:
This is not meant to disparage or make light of any persons or couples dealing with serious or life-threatening illnesses together, my heart goes out to you. This is mainly for you fools with head colds and stomach bugs.

What makes a relationship last? I’ve been with my GFF (girlfriend forever), Natalie, for 10 years as of April 24th 2014, and we are often asked how we got here. In How to Keep a Girl for 10 Years, I will attempt to breakdown the ideological construct of my healthy relationship with the hope that through my experiences, you can build your bridge with fewer casualties!

How To Keep A Girl For Ten Years: To Shack Up or Not To Shack Up?

Thinking about committed long-term relationships prior to being in one tends to dredge up the sort of irrational fear that eclipses even the most pedigreed problem solvers.

I heard Da Vinci was totally weirded out by it.

Entering into the world of monogamy and dare I say, cohabitation is a terrifying new frontier and it’s arguably much safer to stay put in the safe confines of twin beds and roomies. That way you can remain a shiftless Lothario forever, eating Ramen noodles straight no chaser and falling asleep with your jeans on. Staying single forever means never having to say you’re sorry but it also means picking up countless cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon from the living room and an occasional to semi-frequent loneliness that stings like stubbing your toe on frost-bite.

What’s so great about shacking up though?

Well class-holes, we have a lot of complicated chemicals moving us around the earth like Bernie Lomax, I imagine them to smell like a perm and look like the Starbucks lady procreated with Mombi. Basically, you have very little control over your impulses and trying to contain them only makes them stronger.

We are all here (well, most of us) to leave our insides apprehensively on someone’s doorstep to either step on or invite in for soup.

Natalie and I have managed to successfully co-exist for almost ten years and though it hasn’t always been easy, it feels so relatively effortless that I wonder if we have a special talent for relationships like those six year old prodigies who can work a piano like Liberace without even trying. We broke just about every single rule: moved in together very soon, got each other’s name tattooed early on in several, highly visible spots and we didn’t really think about it or talk about it, we just did it. Unfortunately, we are in the .001% of folks for whom this ends well, and have probably used up one of the few Get Out of Jail Free cards in existence for these sorts of things, so do as I say not as I do.

I did a lot of worrying before I met Natalie; I had a lot of uncomfortable, unanswered questions about dating and eventually living with someone I loved. It sounded like the scariest thing ever; being the most uncensored version of myself around someone who I wanted to put my most edited, photo-shopped and filtered face on for.

Would it be weird to go to bed fully clothed and in make-up? Probably. Will my jaw develop super-human strength able to bite through titanium from a steady rotation of Tic Tacs and Trident chewing 24 hours a day?

I worried how I would go to the bathroom and maintain my flawless Gynoid facade? What if we only have one bathroom and I have to go and I don’t mean pee. She will forever associate me with the smell of human waste, she will look at me and only see the shadow of defecation frolicking about our apartment with reckless abandon. I seriously worried a lot about this and figured I would probably have an impacted bowel shortly after moving in with Natalie. Turned out, Natalie had irritable bowel syndrome (sorry Natalie)! We were able to talk freely and candidly about our urges with a Fight Club-esque set of conditions that neither of us wanted to be the couple that hung around each other during this inevitable function of being. It was a private moment for us, meant to be done alone with plenty of time to run the bathroom fan and forever ruin whatever cologne we wanted to spray all over before re-entrance.

The reality is that these sorts of things barely matter. What matters before you move in together is that you’re ready because if you aren’t, you may not experience the symbiotic bliss that Natalie and I do, then maybe you will get an impacted bowel because you don’t feel close enough to talk about uncomfortable shit (literally).

I don’t know, I mean THIS guy.

BUT, how do you know you’re ready?

If you cannot retrieve her iTunes password via security question, don’t move in together. I can’t tell you how to live your lives or if you’re completely ready just because you can hack her iTunes, but I bet this eliminates a good many considering the big move. That’s right, you should know the city she was born in or her first pet’s name with no exceptions!

No exceptions!

Now, don’t go packing up your Doc Martens and food processors just because you pass this single lesbian litmus. Think of it as the first qualifier of many. Now you’re ready to move on to earn the Pendants of Life in The Temple Games Round — Legends of the Hidden Temple, anyone?

In The Temple Games Round (technically it goes, The Moat then Steps of Knowledge then The Temple Games Round, but let’s just shut up about it already) — you want to make sure you are not ensnared in the persuasive clutches of honeymoon bliss. The time period for this varies from couple to couple, but generally speaking if you think your partner can do no wrong, you are living in a world of fantasy and denial that does not compliment the cold, harsh reality you are about to face. She is not the perfect flower you think she is, unless that flower awakens with the breath of a hungry feral cat and nags you about dusting the blinds.

The final round is The Temple Run! Have you spent an extended amount of time with this person? Take a long vacation together, have barrels of sleepover parties complete with many talks about your expectations, board games and what each of you absolutely cannot compromise on. How does she feel about the length of time a dirty dish can exist in limbo between sink and dishwasher? How do you feel? Be totally honest because not being honest will only result in failure or dissatisfaction down the line. Climb down off that Veranda, Romeo, we know your bounty is as boundless as the sea and everything but remember — wisely and slow; they stumble that run fast.

Above all, don’t let her or anyone else make the decision for you. If you have to be talked into it by her, her friends, a songbird, Morris Buttermaker or whomever then you need to trust your instincts and hold those horses.

It’s so majestic though.

Move in because you have both deliberated seriously and decided like grown adults.

(via warrenphotographic.co.uk)

GROWN ADULTS!

There we go.

Contribute to the conversation, what do you think the most important aspects are to consider before shacking up?

What makes a relationship last? I’ve been with my GFF (girlfriend forever), Natalie, for 10 years as of April 24th 2014, and we are often asked how we got here. In How to Keep a Girl for 10 Years, I will attempt to breakdown the ideological construct of my healthy relationship with the hope that through my experiences, you can build your bridge with fewer casualties!

How To Keep A Girl For 10 Years: She’s So High Above Me

I was inspired to write this article by a Formspring Friday post on Autostraddle, coincidentally almost exactly one year ago. This question was submitted from an Autostraddle reader:

I have a friend and she is like a 10 and I’m more of a 7, but I really like her but I understand that I don’t have a chance currently. Should I get to know her or agonize over becoming what she might want?

While trying to become something you’re not for someone else is generally a bad idea and utilizing “number ratings” should be reserved primarily for large guys in medium shirts — I totally got it and sympathized with her. On some level, we have all felt unworthy of something or someone. Starting from the moment we step foot into any social structure or begin consuming Western media, we connect what or who we are able to achieve to how good we look.

via nylonmag.com

I was a cute kindergartner, from early on I discovered the leverage that granted me; I cut a hole in my classmate’s sweatshirt for jollies and got away with it with barely a slap on the wrist. I spit on whatever unfortunate soul happened to sit in front of me on the bus. I launched a good one onto some twins for having the audacity to wear matching sapphire hair-bows — with a thoughtlessly crafted apology letter to the bus-driver, my sins were promptly forgiven. I sold strawberry baby aspirin to my classmates and I’m pretty sure the teacher knew and didn’t seem to mind. I have a vague memory of actually selling my teacher the baby aspirin, which doesn’t make much sense. Surely she could buy it herself at the store without risking her career and self respect. Maybe she thought I was kidding around, humored me and upon discovering how gravely serious I actually was, she was struck speechless, in awe of my brazen ambition.

My looks degraded as I grew into my pre-teen form; other kids experienced growth spurts that I did not and the sun’s rays did not grace me with the golden hue it did my mostly Italian American peers, more of a tone closer to Pink Lady Apple. This appropriately complimented my ballooning figure that I nurtured through a steady diet of pasta and bagels. It was easy for teachers to discipline me in the same way that it’s easier to step on a bug than it is a puppy. I gradually transformed into an insecure, apologetic wallflower — I knew that life was harder now and maybe I deserved it through all of my sinister advantages as a kindergartner. I found that my underwhelming aesthetic diminished my talent and intelligence, I found teachers applauding more attractive students for less than what I was producing. Like the dexterous cuttlefish struggling for survival, I adapted.

As a teenager I tried to become what I thought everyone wanted for my own mental and scholastic survival; I was active in soccer & lacrosse, I mimicked whatever clothing the most popular girls wore, I barely ate and I desperately frequented tanning beds transitioning from Pink Lady Apple to Valencia Orange. I hadn’t actually come out of my cocoon, I was a caterpillar in butterfly’s clothing but believing I was ugly and believing I was disguising my ugliness were just two different forms of the same evil.

After graduating from the traumatic torture porn that was high school, college became a new landscape full of opportunity to be someone I never was before — myself. Well, if myself was my best Jane Fonda’s 1970s Cleveland mugshot impression. The important thing was, every physical decision I made whether it was inspired or not was because I wanted to not because I felt that I had to. I wasn’t attractive because I was trying to be, I was attractive because I finally believed that I was.

When I met Natalie, it was hard to ward off all of the feelings the Autostraddle reader above mentioned. I had just recently sloughed off years of conditioning to feel self confident. I was initially attracted to her physically, I knew she was beautiful and for some reason that called my own beauty into question. Maybe technically she was prettier, referencing the rigid number scale I was surely a couple notches below her — this suspicion was validated through the admiring looks that constantly glossed over my head to her tall, thin stature. We could both be wearing identical sequin turbans and 9 times out of 10 her turban would be revered as the next must-have fall fashion accessory, mine an afterthought if it were even noticed at all. Natalie was always uncomfortably aware of this — “oh no, look at her turban, it’s much better” she’d say, knowing they were the same, protecting my heart like a mother octopus.

Fact: a mother octopus will ingest her own arms for sustenance while protecting her eggs, often dying after birth as a result.

While I want to tell the reader that looks don’t matter, and ultimately they don’t, I know society tells a different story that feels very real and can make you feel like your potential cannot extend past the length of your legs. Natalie and I were attracted to each other physically, but no matter how attractive we were or weren’t physically, so many other things mattered so much more, we had a connection that surpassed her perfect nose or my great ass. A relationship thrives on brains and heart, not T&A.

If you’re feeling like she’s got a fire so hot that you cannot touch her, some words of advice:

1. If she won’t be with you because you’re not as physically attractive, why do you want to be with her?

This is sort of a “which came first” argument, but someone who cannot get past the fact that her hair parts a little more effortlessly to the side than yours is stuck in the phase I went through in high-school. If for some reason, you negotiate her highness to stay with you, she will bring nothing but pain, misery and boredom into your life. It doesn’t matter that her eyes pierce through your heart because she dots her I’s with hearts and that’s far worse.

2. Maybe she thinks YOU’RE the ten and she’s the seven.

Tell me about it, stud.

3. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.

You can’t go out to bars without flocks of men and women alike clamoring over her like the heart of the mother loving ocean. Don’t shrink into a quivering polyp. Put your arm around that lady with pride and ogle her with the best of them, honk her boob if you must — people will respect your confidence and back off in most instances. I call this the peacock tactic: stand tall, show that fancy tail of yours and its luminescent bouquet of charisma.

4. You are correct in thinking if she isn’t attracted to you, it won’t work out BUT…

There’s a lot of different evidence regarding what attracts whom and why; some studies show that neotenuous features (small nose, large eyes and full lips) attract people in certain populations, but it’s difficult to develop a lot of concrete evidence as to why. I suspect there is much more to it than the symmetry of your face or the subjective preferences of one person to the next. The truth is, she may not be attracted to you and that is beyond your control. I’ll say it one more time — that is beyond your control. Marilyn Monroe said “I think sexuality is only attractive when it’s natural and spontaneous” which couldn’t be more true. I guarantee that the thin veneer will fade with time if you try to change yourself to suit someone’s pallet. Be your authentic self, do what is healthy for your body and above all try to spend an equal or greater amount of time expanding your mind as you do expanding your collection of eyeliner pencils and Crest Whitening Strips.

5. “Enough of this Oprah Soul Sunday “love thyself” bullshit, can you actually give me some real advice on snagging and keeping that hottie I so desire?”

Okay, phantom Autostraddle heckler! If she has a smorgasbord of admirers, it’s going to take a little bit of work to stand out in the crowd. It’s sort of like applying for a job at Google: a lot of people want a job at Google and that’s why you have to make a collage of line dancing water moccasins in neon tube socks on your cover letter to stand out.

via huffingtonpost.com

5a. Let her know you dig her but don’t be cliche about it. “Hey, I like your hair” or “you’re so hawt” are not effective forms of flattery. They hear that kind of thing regularly and will toss you into the NO pile with haste. Invite her to go to the Carnivore Preservation Trust or The Lemur Center — assure her that you will cloak her with your favorite cardigan should one of the ocelots attempt to mark her. Maybe throw something in there about marking her later, actually don’t say that.

5b. Don’t come on too strong. Confidence is key, dumping a hot steamy mass of relentless praise on her right off the bat can backfire and make you seem desperate. It’s a turn off to feel worshiped by someone who barely knows you. A turn off at best and a restraining order at worst.

5c. Check your breath, check your smell, wash your hair. I’m serious, lick your hand and smell it, minty fresh or hot mess?

5d. Take a hint. Have you coolly and confidentially let her know how you feel in the most uniquely outstanding and honest way you can possibly muster? Does she keep putting you off or dodging your madcap adventure invites? It seems like she’s just not that into you. Luckily, she’s humane enough to not string you along until she finally confesses it over a basket of barely-touched bread sticks at Olive Garden after three months of pity dating you. Stop e-mailing her, stop texting her, stop inviting her to do things that you know she will politely come up with a creative reason to dodge. You keep doing you (merch for sale here) and eventually you will find that special someone who makes you feel just the right amount of unworthy.

Feature Image via lemoderntrinket.blogspot.com

How To Keep A Girl For 10 Years: My Top Five Most Ridiculous Arguments And You

Have you ever fought about something so unequivocally ridiculous that you just got lost in it? Suddenly, you’re throwing your belongings into trash bags and discussing who is going to get the Keurig and you only suggested it was her turn to clean the chili pot. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how immaterial patient zero is, the epidemic devastates the same.

I am going to add eight hours and $120 in hotel fees back into your bank account right now with one easy piece of advice — count to ten. I know this may be the first time you’ve heard this since your life coach (aka Mom) suggested it as a kid but hear me out. It wasn’t until adulthood that I truly understood what this meant, I simply saw it as some sort of confusing proverb for hippies — it never made sense for me to contain my anger. My anger was the trademark of my identity. It wasn’t until I recognized the nuances between important and unimportant anger that I was effective in controlling it.

(via easyart.com)

The healing properties and wisdom of silence are possibly the most under-celebrated forms of relationship counseling I know of. Edgar Allen Poe noted that a true genius prefers silence over “saying something that is not everything that should be said.” Rumi celebrated the eloquence of silence, “stop weaving and see how the pattern improves.” Silence gets confused too often with lack of communication, but silence is articulate, the perfect rebuttal — we fail to communicate when we stop listening to each other and just because we’re talking doesn’t mean we’re communicating. The next time she says or does something that makes you feel inflated with anger, consider the insignificance of helium — the second most abundant and lightest element in the known universe. Count to ten, count to twenty, count until you forget what you were angry about in the first place.

Throughout the years, my girlfriend and I have mastered the ancient art of “when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em” popularized by Kenny Rogers, though it took many years of bickering over truly absurd and frivolous matters to get here. Below are the top five most idiotic topics in the history of Natalie and Robyn fights. Next time you’re ready to throw in the towel over some spilled milk, toss that somabitch over the puddle instead because there is a fruitful and rewarding relationship waiting for you at the end of your dumb fight about nothing.

I have titled each fight after the final episodes of the whitest show on television, Friends. Good riddance pointless fights and good riddance Friends! Also, know that all of these arguments will be depicted in a way that is incredibly biased in my favor.

…. Are you kidding? We don’t even wear the color black.

1. The One About Bath Mats
In the bathroom there are several mats; one in front of the sink, one in front of the toilet AND one that sits in front of the shower, at least there should be. Natalie, since I have known her, has used a small towel in lieu of a mat that sits on the edge of the tub and needs to be removed for every shower use so it doesn’t get soaked, which is a huge inconvenience. For a very long time, in silent protest, I refused to remove the towel during my showers. You know the moment when your mom finally discovers the vase or dish or whatever shit she loved that you broke and stuffed in the trash? That is how I felt every evening when Natalie would emerge from the bathroom with the inundated towel in hand, discovering that again I had neglected to remove the “bath mat” during my shower. “Oops” I shrugged, “I just keep forgetting,” I could feel her patience waning. I continued playing dumb until the eventual eruption; “are you doing this on purpose!?” I conceded that this was not second nature to me, why couldn’t we just get a permanent mat like normal people? Eventually I gave in because resistance was futile. Now every time I take a shower, I ceremoniously lay down the bath towel to allow for its metamorphosis into the bath mat. I still hop over it on to the mat in front of the sink after my shower, just out of principal — a small victory for the integrity of the bath mat.

2. The One About Baby Gas Masks
Natalie is a casual hoarder. In my years with her, I have successfully found places for antique baby gas masks, chucky dolls, various medieval medical wares, twenty California Raisins, poison, ceramic Chinese Crested statues, three typewriters, a Zeiss microscope, old pencil sharpeners AND MORE to ad nauseum. The problem is, we have sacrificed precious square footage in favor of better amenities and location, which complicates her need to prepare for a mid century nuclear holocaust.

Recently, she learned the art of “extreme couponing” which has created an area of chaos behind the living room sectional; we have ten boxes of Kix, fifteen containers of Purex and enough Pop Secret to open a small movie theater and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I wouldn’t call our apartment cluttered. I have managed (miraculously) to find a space for most things — occasionally that space is the trash or Goodwill — but it is a constant balancing act and we have come to blows many times over it. Over time we’ve compromised, she buys less from the flea market and I complain less about her selections with the mutual understanding that when I cry uncle, it is time to donate or trash. “My family is visiting for the holidays” I would say cautiously, “we need to do something with all those Hillary Clinton shirts you had printed when you went through that phase,” I find that addressing one issue at a time compartmentalizes things for her. “Then we can begin doing something with all those febreze car vent clips.”

3. The One About The Car
I had never owned a new car, so when I earned enough money to purchase my 2007 (in 2007) Black Limited Edition Jetta, I was elated. I felt like Hollywood royalty. Natalie, at the time, drove a white Mitsubishi Montero Sport — a respectable and meticulously maintained sport utility vehicle, but a couple years older than the Jetta. I could tell my new car smell was puncturing every inch of her willpower, still I hoped she would let me have this moment. When Natalie pulled into the driveway in her new black sedan with beige leather interior, just like my Jetta — I was furious. When I realized it was a BMW I wanted to roundhouse kick her into the next millennium.

It wasn’t that it was the same color scheme or that it instantly deemed my car the Rhoda to her Mary, and it wasn’t even that she bought it so soon after I bought mine — it was all of those things combined. I packed all of my belongings and booked a room at the nearest Amerisuites hotel. I even purchased a one way plane ticket back to New York, ironically planning to leave my brand new Jetta abandoned in the moderately priced hotel chain’s parking lot. However, Natalie tracked me to the nearest Amerisuites like a regular forest carnivore before I could leave. I remember the look on her face when I opened the door, her eyes tearing and red with worry — she was sorry, whether or not she should have been is and was irrelevant. She never looked so defeated and small as she did in that moment, hunched over and scared she fell into my arms sobbing and I knew that I was a fool for caring about anything other than keeping her in my life forever.

4. The One About Natalie’s Continued Fixation With Miley Cyrus Despite Anything She Says Or Does
Please help.

5. The One About The Joker Kitchen
When Natalie and I moved into our first home together, we were excited to express our individuality through various wall paints. We spent hours picking out the brightest and most unusual paint colors we could at Home Depot and exhausted ourselves applying layer after layer of key lime green to our living room walls. After the ill conceived pairing of chili pepper red and babouche yellow in the bathroom, I welcomed the absence of color in the kitchen — our last neutral wall. Of course I didn’t vocalize this, I figured it was implied with every craving for McDonald’s french fries we had to endure while showering. Imagine my surprise when I returned home after a day’s work to see our kitchen transformed into the Joker’s villainous lair. Menacing deep purples and light greens maniacally surrounded me and suddenly I couldn’t imagine baking a pie in this kitchen that wasn’t stuffed with cyanide. I knew Natalie worked tirelessly all day to surprise me and I wasn’t sure I could mask my disappointment, admittedly I don’t believe that I tried. “You never said that you didn’t want to paint the kitchen” Natalie was frustrated by my lack of enthusiasm. It’s not that I didn’t want to paint the kitchen, it’s that I didn’t want to paint the kitchen with the trademark colors of a murderous psychopath.

We sat in silence the entire night except for Natalie’s occasional offer to “allow” me to repaint the entire kitchen — “you can repaint it if you don’t like it, but it’s going to be really tough to go over that dark purple.” If only I had a flower I could spray at her filled with corrosive acid, I plotted silently — I felt the slow transformation beginning. Ultimately I concluded that there had to be a compromise, there was no distress signal I could cast into the night sky to resolve the situation, it was on me to accept this kitchen as my own. The next day I assured Natalie that the colors would grow on me and that I appreciated the gesture. I feigned delight affixing myself with a disingenuous and severe grin that rivaled The Joker himself.

Share your most absurd entanglements and their level of destruction in your relationships so that we all may feel a little less alone!

How To Keep A Girl For Ten Years: Taking the Plunge into Pet Parenthood

The bonding experience of owning a pet is a lot like having children — minus dishing out $240,000 before college. You or someone you know surely nurtures an unhealthy relationship with a pet and the only thing better than an unhealthy obsession is an unhealthy obsession in pairs. I say “unhealthy” facetiously as it’s pretty much common knowledge that owning a pet lowers blood pressure and decreases anxiety — if you’re in a relationship there is nothing you need more!

If you’re anything like my girlfriend, Natalie, and I, the connection you develop with your pet will help define your sense of humanity better than most human relationships you have or ever will experience.

Natalie taking cover with our two dogs in the hall at her work during a scary 2011 tornado outbreak.

Our road to pet parenthood was a bumpy one. Our first pet was a Betta Fish — Laurence Fishburne, who fell on his sword via my elbow accidentally knocking the tank one fateful evening. Unlike his namesake, there was no Matrix bullet-time descent, it was over before I realized it was happening.

“Did you just kill our fish?” Natalie instantly emerged from the next room with the severe accusation as though she suspected I had this plan for awhile. I feel absolutely dreadful about it, despite Natalie’s continued suspicion.

During this era, we also had two cats, Dr. Pickles and Ms. John Soda. These cats currently reside with Natalie’s mother — due to our eventual discovery that Natalie is severely allergic to cats. Many nights we marveled at the ever increasing welts all over her legs, arms and stomach and her eyelids slowly swelling shut with every passing moment. We figured it was her shellfish allergy, even though she wasn’t eating any shellfish. She survived on Xanax and Prednisone (which is a steroid) and yes she attempted to purposefully run over five children with her car during this period. Worth noting, upon arrival at her mother’s, Dr. Pickles swiftly abandoned his PhD in favor of the sole moniker “Paris”.

A couple years later, after the wounds had healed…enter Gogol, the Mexican Hairless (aka Xoloitzcuintli) extra-terrestrial dog. It was a bit of a haul from Raleigh to King, NC where we found Gogol. His birthplace was a quaint farmhouse with scads of children, animals and heavy indoor chain-smokers. We sat anxiously at their dining room table as Gogol’s breeder — who reminded us of a benevolent Aileen Wuornos — described her relationship with Pepe (Gogol’s birth-mom). “The thing about this dog is,” she took a drag off her cigarette and tossed a piece of American cheese into Pepe’s mouth (who was standing on the dining table), “when I die, they’ll have to bury her with me, she loves me that much.” Selfishly, we hoped this new puppy would adore us with the same Shakespearean morbidity as Pepe.

Eventually she handed Gogol over to me with one hand like a bag of frozen peas. I felt the same level of discomfort holding him as I do a newborn baby. “Am I doing this right? Am I supposed to support the neck? Does he have a soft spot on his head?” I didn’t want to hold him anymore until he was mine.”Wow, his skin is so weird,” I immediately regretted saying it and hoped Natalie would recover for the 3-pointer. Natalie is the Groucho to my Harpo Marx, I rely on her witticisms in most social situations.

“I hate when people call these dogs ugly, I think they’re so cool and I just love that they’re different”, Natalie added knowingly. (Swooooosh)

Gogol was, in fact, far from ugly to us — he had silky brown skin with white spots and a fluffy, perfectly centered white mohawk on his head. He rolled over on his back in seconds and fell asleep in my arms — not waking when I passed him to Natalie, his immediate comfort seemed in stark contrast to our trepidation. We exchanged glances, searching in each other’s eyes for an answer. Are we ready for this? Of course we were. We asked for directions to the nearest ABC store where we purchased a bottle of premium vodka on our way home with the newest edition to our family.

Gogol fashioned in unlikely dog accessories — one of our favorite pastimes.

The puppy years were a challenge. We found Gogol to be a connoisseur of the finer things — thankfully Natalie’s things, for the most part. Here is the tally of what Gogol destroyed during his adolescence:

Natalie: Dior sunglasses, iPhone, two pairs of boots, an antique 19th century altar which was a family heirloom
Robyn: A book of The Complete Pirelli Calendars, valued over $200, out of print — an excellent selection. Naturally, he couldn’t have obliterated something of less value in our collection like one of Chuck Klosterman’s fiction works, Lord of the Flies or anything by Tom Wolfe.

Interestingly enough, he didn’t damage anything OTHER than those items. It’s as if his gut was some sort of internalized pawn shop and he had no time to waste on proletariat selections.

A couple years later we adopted Gustav, the tenderhearted Chinese Crested dog. Gustav came from an abusive show-home in Las Vegas, and rightfully so, he’s a tad neurotic. Sometimes we catch him in complete Faye Dunaway regalia, furiously reciting her monologue from Mommie Dearest in the bedroom mirror:

“No… wire… hangers. What’s wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you: no wire hangers EVER? I work and work ’till I’m half-dead, and I hear people saying, “She’s getting old.” And what do I get? A daughter… who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I give her… as she cares about me. What’s wire hangers doing in this closet? Answer me!”

Kidding aside, Gustav has retired to a life of leisure free from any pain, worry, and the pressures of celebrity.

A picture of Gustav not attached to Faye Dunaway’s body

That’s our basic story. Ready to take the plunge into pet parenthood yet? Here are some things you and your significant other should consider:

1. Together you will discover there is nothing unhealthy about open mouth kissing your pet other than the bacterium campylobacter and salmonella.

Natalie and Gogol about to lock lips against a scenic backdrop.

2. Have you ever voraciously sobbed while comforting something that just vomited all over your brand new imported Fereghan carpet?

3. You’ll likely attempt to make your pet wear shoes and fail.
You may try several times, hoping that maybe your pet is the sneaker type and those boots were just too flashy for his or her taste. Heed this warning; 9 out of 10 pets won’t wear shoes ever.

4. Are you ready to spend a lot of money?
Routine vet visits, spaying/neutering, vaccinations, check-ups, flea, tick and heartworm treatments are not optional. You’ll need a nest egg for emergencies, too. Prepare for pet deposits if you rent or stay in hotels and plan on bringing your companion. Depending on your species of choice, they will need beds, collars, leashes, and factor in litter for a cat. You will need to budget for decent pet food, treats and toys, unless you’re an asshole. Pro-tip: TJ Maxx, Ross, Homegoods and Marshalls are your friends for decent quality affordable beds and toys.

5. You will begin to separate the people in your life into two categories: those who allow your pet into their house and those who don’t.
You will gradually begin to eliminate the latter group from your life completely. If you’re in really deep, you will start picking off people who don’t respond to pictures of your pet with the appropriate level of enthusiasm.

6. Going the dog route?
Prepare to get off your rear several times a day because owning a dog is a lot like living with Jillian Michaels. It’s important to exercise and socialize your dog so that he or she doesn’t become overly timid or aggressive. Luckily, our dogs sleep in. Your pet may not. Be prepared to potentially wake up earlier than you’re used to, if you’re not an early riser.

7. Unless you have a hairless pet, a non-shedding breed, a reptile, a caged animal or fish — accept that you may never enjoy the color black with ease ever again.

via theinspirationroom.com

8. Accept the fact that you will likely love your pet as much as a parent loves their child, to the very last beat of their heart — literally.

The relative lifespan of a human compared to dog is 7.9 to 11.8 years, indoor cats averaging around 12-14 years. Natalie and I have already built an underground bunker stockpiled with non-perishables and an ample supply of booze and narcotics so we may descend into madness comfortably. This is a consideration we did not make before purchasing a pet and something that neither of us are truly prepared for. The lifespan of domesticated animals compared to humans is possibly nature’s cruelest invention.

Consider the responsibilities above before diving into pet ownership together. If you’re ready for the commitment of time and money, the physical, spiritual and emotional benefits can be innumerable. Plus, there’s nothing like the thought of a gruesome custody battle to keep you together.

Pet owner already? Share your experience!

How to Keep a Girl for 10 Years: 5 Steps To A Better Y’all!

What makes a relationship last? I’ve been with my GFF (girlfriend forever), Natalie, for 10 years as of April 24th 2014, and we are often asked how we got here. I guess there is just something mysterious and possibly more treacherous about a long-term queer relationship. I am not sure what the mechanics are but I liken it to 19th century bridge building; a painstakingly rewarding process of learning the landscapes, suspending cables with caution and care to align just right in the middle and not collapse under the weight of the world. In this column I will attempt to breakdown the ideological construct of my healthy relationship with the hope that through my experiences that you can build your bridge with less casualties.

According to a 2011 study by The Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law, 3.5% of the US adult population identify as gay, bisexual or lesbian; 1.1% of women identify as lesbian and 2.2% as bisexual. If Jerry Seinfeld is accurate, and of course he is, 95% of that percentage is UNDATEABLE — that’s slim pickins. While one school of thought might say this would ENCOURAGE fidelity, most of us know quite the opposite is true. For every one of you, there are twenty other rad chicks sewing locks of your hair into voodoo dolls and writing haiku on their typewriters for your girlfriend RIGHT NOW thinking she’s the one. When there is less of anything, “the one” may actually come along as infrequently as one time.

Think about it, I haven’t.

 What defense do you have against this endless cavalcade of grand romantic gestures, you ask? In my first installment of How To Keep A Girl For Ten Years, I explore the notion of solidarity through individualism, selflessness and creativity. Below are five things I’ve done in my relationship to ensure a reliable bedrock no amount of unwelcome haiku or Thai soap carvings could shatter.

1. Do Not Merge Your Closets

A go-to for slushy straight girls attempting to identify with lesbian relationships is, “hey, at least your wardrobe doubles, hehehe.” As if it were some sort of consolation prize for all the vagina I’m going to have to endure. Natalie and I never merged our closets (though we do borrow on rare occasions) and we have always had the mutual understanding that personal style correlates to our sense of individuality. Do you really want to be the Jennifer Jason Leigh to her Bridget Fonda? This is a gradual descent into losing your identities and becoming creepy carbon copies of each other. Avoid.

Via oldies.com and horrorpedia.com

2. Say The Nice Things You’re Thinking

Natalie is the Camille Doncieux to my Monet (if my accomplishments extended past acquiring a taste for sashimi, that is) — she is exceedingly charming and attributively blessed, she encounters the kind of casual fanfare I can only daydream about with every floral denim print I employ. This initially attracted me, then intimidated me, followed by a sense of grief, insecurity and hopelessness — what can I tell her that she hasn’t already heard? Come to find out, when I don’t tell her the positive things I am thinking about her, she naturally assumes I am not thinking them at all. I don’t know what I was afraid of, maybe there is a sense of vulnerability in offering someone a compliment, or an implied submissiveness in the gesture. However, we are no longer deprived of flattery; there is not an inch of her person, intellect or accomplishments I don’t applaud with the vigor and vim of a caffeinated mascot. And she roots for me, too — she’s got the Robyn commemorative pen, the laser etched money clip, the tote, the scarf, the jersey, the decoder ring and the sapphire earrings. Jill Scott said it best — “You can never be too stingy with compliments.” What are you waiting for?

3. Say Goodbye To Exes As Friends (Also, Friends Who Are In Love With You)

A controversial subject, as I know many folks who champion their friendship with the ex as though it were a cherished miracle in the canonization of their relationship sainthood. However, I guarantee their very presence in your life is like a gelatinous toxin congesting the very heart of your relationship with every slurred sentence your ex finishes for you at parties. I included “friends who are in love with you (FILWY)” here as well, possibly even more carcinogenic than the ex. FILWY regenerate like flatworms with every kerfuffle between you and your girl — renewed by the potential demise of your union. That’s some bad ju-ju and who has the time for the sort of ceremonial drumming it’s going to take to clear that mess? I know it isn’t easy to let go of them, they adore you and that’s nurturing your giant ego but it’s time to set them free.

This means YOU, Julia.
Via silvereagleexperiment.blogspot.com

4. Don’t Stop Creating

Contrary to what you may have heard, being happily in love shouldn’t stifle creativity. A recent study by Jens Förster, Kai Epstude, and Amina Özelsel at The University of Amsterdam found that being in love alters our pattern of thought, triggering what is referred to as “global processing.” Global processing encourages big picture, “long term” thinking and inhibits logical thinking (local processing, short term) — like, maybe I should dramatically lay in the middle of the road over a small fight. A global thinker may see an odd piece of glass and consider writing a song about it, a local thinker would just avoid stepping on it. People don’t lose their creativity in a happy relationship, they just gain someone to do more fun mindless crap with; Twilight Zone marathons, giant mazes, cooking, carnivals, Disney World, mini golf, Mario Kart, shots of tequila — this stuff is easy and the best in pairs, it’s refined sugar and we overdose on it. Designate one day a week to be creative together or apart and don’t bare down on your happiness like a crutch destroying the very soil that nourished the person she fell in love with in the first place!

5. Shut Up

“To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up.”
-Ogden Nash

I know you’re dying to calmly inquire if she’s trying to make as much noise as possible when putting the dishes away but let it go.

Special Note: This is the experience of just two people in a great big world and doesn’t necessarily reflect what will work for you and yours. Add to the discussion — if you are in a long term healthy relationship, what has worked for you?

feature image via vintage lesbians

13 Ways to Make Your Long-Distance Relationship The Most Awesome Part of Your Life

I was in a long distance relationship for several years, so I know that staying connected to your huggle bear can be hard. You want to touch them, smell them and, if you’re me, bite their ear. Why don’t the forces of geography and physics rally to both your cries and fold the world up like origami until the front doors of your homes kiss?

But they don’t and won’t, so what are your exquisite selves supposed to do? I hope I can give you some idea of where to begin. We were big on gifts, digital and corporeal, so I’ll focus on that and end with a little advice.

1. Care packages or gift baskets are the bee’s knees. Fill them with the other person’s favorite candies and snacks, or make a creative reference out of the foodables. For example, my girl was a big Star Wars fan so I made sure to pack in Dagoba-brand dark chocolate. She liked Cherry Limeade and, since you can’t send that in the mail, included in the box was a grocery store gift card with a note that read simple “For Cherry Limeades.” Buy sticker packets with letters in them and spell out messages all around the box. Put pictures of you, or more intimately: put in a picture of your hand, your smiling mouth, your sexy shoulder, even your…umm…ear. Ear, yes.

2. Put a handwritten card inside, and be sure to send cards randomly from time to time. Or if one of you has exams or some multi-day, soul-sucking, blergh-arggh thing, mail out a letter every day of the event. When they get home, there’ll be a note welcoming them in from their figuratively rainy day. If you’re both big goofs, pick up these postcard books, which have lovingly lewd messages combined with baby animal pictures.

(If you get along with their folks, remember their birthdays and make sure they get cards, too.)

3. If you’re both sarcastic snarkers, someecards.com is the right gift every time. They have a user-created section so you can build a treasure trove of heartfelt offenses. If you know each other’s username and you’ve both made quite a collection, go to their user page and look through their caustic creations from time to time and exhale fondly.

4. Mail each other a copy of your favorite book. For the bookmark, make it a picture of you holding their favorite book. This also works if you start a book club of two for you and you. Chat about what you read. Make notes in it (or any book) about feels the book inspires in you, or about passages you want to share with your significant O, and then mail them this book.

5. Buy a webcam, don’t settle for the one built into your laptop. Those usually have lower video quality that can make your baby feel further away, or as if they’re not really there in that room (which they are, sweetness. They absolutely are). I recommend a Logitech Webcam Pro 9000, which you can get on the cheap-cheap via eBay, usually for well under $30. It has good A/V quality, plus a nice stand for placing on your monitor or by itself. One couple I knew would leave the webcam on at all times so they could see the other coming and going, or listen to each other’s breathing while they did work.

6. Flowers and a poem.

7. Pick shows and movies and TV events (like the Presidential Debate) to instant message each other during. Many IM applications keep logs of your conversations which you can go back and read later for free warm fuzzies.

8. Start email chains to each other with things like “remind me to tell you about X.” Share calendars to find a free five minutes to call them and say hi. Share documents about things like places you want to travel with each other, food you want to cook for each other, or a playlist of songs you both agree you love.

9. Hold onto tokens that remind you of them, like a movie ticket, and mail it to them later on.

10. Find them a beautiful box. Fill it with 100 hearts, each with one thing you like about them written on it. Put this box in a package and use cookies in ziploc bags as packing material.

11, AskMen (I know, right) had a neat idea for phone sex: a hands-free device. And LovingFromADistance.com suggested using FutureMe.org to send letters to be delivered at any future date you want. Write them a diary entry of how happy they made you today and have it delivered six months or six years from now.

12. Lastly, practical advice. In your conversations: stay positive, talk about the good things in your day. About the good things the other person gives you. Because once you start saying “I miss you” more than “I love you,” you are walking the bad path. You are walking the path where you talk more about how hard this is than anything else. These are the woods. The woods have few exits.

13. Finally really lastly, set an end date and stick to it. Give yourself and them something to shoot for. Don’t keep moving that date, instead move Heaven and Earth to keep it. You’re always almost there. I promise.