The Secret to Lasting Love Is Staying the Hell Away From Each Other
Editors Note: Autostraddlers, we thought you’d have some feelings about this from your queerlesbianbipanasexual perspective. Do you feel like conventional relationships could benefit by adapting long distance relationship habits? Does our queer perspective change these applications in any way? Share your feelings in the comments! Do it.
by Tracy Moore
When you like someone and want to be with them, all you wanna do is see their face all the time. Coincidentally, seeing someone’s face all the time is exactly how to kill a relationship softly with face-overloaded garlic breath. What the hell are faces supposed to do with other faces all up in their face? (Besides not eat so much garlic?) The answer: Go the distance. The long distance.
Researchers did a study published in the Journal of Communication of 63 young hetero lovers, half of whom were geographically separated, about their talky styles. Keep in mind these are young people, around 21 years old, who are still dumb about love, but still. After asking them to keep a weeklong diary, researchers discovered that it wasn’t all the stress and brouhaha it’s often depicted as, and in spite of not being around each other, they felt greater intimacy. These lovebirds didn’t interact as much as couples in the same general vicinity, but when they did, they kept things as fresh as hours-old leftovers by rarely cracking open that Tupperware lid. (The Tupperware bowl is the Pandora’s Box of TMI in this stellar analogy.)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. out of sight out of mind is basically the conundrum of all love everywhere. Everything hinges on the perfect balance of these two conflicting notions. I love you so much and want to see you all the time, but I can only see you so much before you become as appealing to me as a glass of cod liver oil. We know this. We know it intuitively, and yet, we can’t seem to stop being in the same room with the people we are with, especially if we share the same house. Balls.
But we can solve this problem. We can make our everyday, in-person relationships exciting and fresh by pretending we are not really together at all. Try this:
Change Your Appearance Constantly
Study: Long-distance lovers didn’t see other face to face a lot, so they had to make up for that in other ways.
Application: You’re you, all day, every day, 24/7. And that, my friend, cannot stay exciting forever. By altering something about yourself often, you create the illusion of a different person who is more mysterious and intriguing than you ever could be according to the laws of physics. Wear different glasses. Start dressing in monochrome. Change your hair part. Talk with an accent. Do whatever it takes to seem endlessly new, short of inventing entire personalities, because that would be too hard to keep straight.
Ignore Each Other
Study: People who don’t live around each other don’t “hear” each other “talking” in their own “homes.”
Application: Far as you know, you’re the only person in this house, and you definitely don’t hear someone asking you if you paid the gas bill or why you forgot to take out that smelly trash. Must be a ghost or something. Oh look, it’s another Snapped marathon on TV!
Don’t Talk About Your Day
Study: Far-flung lovers rarely talked about the mundane, preferring instead to focus on more meaningful interactions like thoughts/feelings.
Application: When your partner asks how was your day? Refrain from actually answering with the story of how gross the veggie patty was you cooked in the office microwave that still smelled like reheated salmon. Instead, say something more urgent and romantic like, My god your eyes YOUR EYES. Or reveal something that hints at previously unseen depth, like, I just got back from staring out at the ocean for an hour, feeling so insignificant in the face of her vast glory.
Talk Primarily on the Phone or Skype
Study: The long-distance lovers talked more by phone or video messaging, and not so much by email, which was considered unromantic (clearly, they haven’t seen Gmail’s new tabs).
Application: Even if you live together, consider Skyping from different rooms to catch up about your lives (omit everyday details!). Even if you could literally get in your car and drive over to their house, just call them up and chat for an hour about your deepest most private feelings and concerns. If they ask if you want to come over, suddenly remember you were supposed to be somewhere.
Limit Physical Contact
Study: Being apart meant LDRs had less frequent exposure, but for longer periods of time.
Application: How can you miss someone if they won’t go away?! Cut whatever amount of time you physically spend with your significant other in half, so that whether you are in the next ‘hood over or merely the next room, you seem hard to overdose on and ripe for pining over. But feel free to text at length from the bathroom of your house or the restaurant you’re in, even when you’re together.
Also try:
+ Turning your head away a lot, so they can’t see your face too much.
+ Driving separately to events/dates you’ll attend together.
+ Canceling every other date due to work engagements.
+ Meeting up when you only have five minutes, to create urgent longing.
+ Refusing to see each other when you’re sick/bloated.
+ Making out a lot in cars.
Make Every Date Your First Date
Study: It goes without saying that when these folks finally see each other, it felt like a first date all over again.
Application: Everyone goes bowling and takes an archery lesson together in the beginning. Later on, spending an evening together online looking for an apartment with a slightly better patio officially counts as quality time if there’s booze involved. No matter how much easier it is to settle into your respective couch imprints and call it a day, try to plan actual dates that encourage new experiences or at least good stories for later, when you’ll need to talk about something other than what you actually did.
Idealize Everything Your Partner Says/Does
Study: When you strip a person down, removing all their tedious, mundane, everyday logistics, what is left but a skeleton of ideals, principles, values, and feelings? LDRs were able to easily keep each other on a pedestal because there was no everyday stuff to taint up that golden image of perfection.
Application: You can still slather some polish on this tarnished lover of yours who lives three blocks away and works out at your same gym. For instance, if your partner mentions he’s experimenting with different cuisines, you should interpret this as proof positive that he’s both deeply open-minded and seriously committed to fostering meaningful connections with the global bazaar that is our new world, and could perhaps pursue a new career as a diplomat. And you should tell others about it. Maybe on Facebook.
Try Harder
Study: Separated lovers could not rely merely on physical presence to signal continued loyalty, interest, or love. They took nothing for granted. It was show-and-tell day every day.
Application: Pretend you are in a real-life version of the movie 50 First Dates.
Of course, if all of this seems like waaay too much effort for someone who is literally on the couch right next to you and hasn’t moved in 2.5 hours, and you realize that you are not equipped to keep up massively stressful early courtship rituals for the rest of your life, you could always just go the easier route here and create actual distance. Apply to an exchange program thousands of miles away, or, if all else fails, simply move to a new city. Hey, remember? You were looking for a change.
Originally published on Jezebel. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.
You Need Help: When Relationships Feel Sorta Dull
Welcome to You Need Help! Where you’ve got a problem and yo, we solve it. Or we at least try.
Q:
I know that I am REALLY in love with my girlfriend: we know we want to spend our life together; we have the same life and we love doing the same things; I think that she’s the most beautiful girl in the world and she feels the same for me.
However, we are both lawyers, we work a lot during the week and we don’t live together. When we see each other we’re always tired or always doing something outside together (restaurants, movies, gigs, etc).
I have the feeling we lost the craziness and the passion we had at the beginning, when we were never tired, when we passed days making love, and always felt our love physically. Sometimes I’m feeling that we’re already old, that we’re missing our life.
Is there a way to feel that passion and that craziness again after 2.5 years together?
A:
No you are totally fucked JUST KIDDING.
Ok well, first of all — you have lost the craziness and passion that you had in the beginning, because that level of intensity isn’t sustainable and you’d probably both die of heart attacks or go insane! According to Quality Health:
Romantic love triggers reward systems in the brain. When we fall in love, our body releases chemicals-neurotransmitters-that make us feel good. This is the first step in the process of bonding, which is nature’s design to perpetuate the species.
Neurotransmitters form in our brain and then our brain sends them out to the rest of the body. While many neurochemicals play a role, three in particular make up the chemicals of love.
Norepinephrine. This neurotransmitter may not be familiar to you, but its alternative name probably is. Noradrenaline causes your heart to race and your palms to sweat when you are emotionally charged. High levels of norepinephrine increase our experience of joy and reduce our appetite (that’s why falling in love is a great way to lose weight).
Dopamine. Dopamine stimulates pleasure centers in the brain, producing feelings of euphoria and increasing sociability. It’s the precursor to the third primary love chemical, phenylethylamine.
Phenylethylamine. This neurotransmitter prompts the body to release large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine and increases our physical and emotional energy.
Other chemicals also play an important role in falling in love. Oxytocin, which is present in high levels in female orgasm, is called the cuddle hormone. It’s linked to early socialization, social cognition, and trust. People who have recently fallen in love also have lower levels of serotonin, which is also low in people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Low levels of serotonin may explain why we become so preoccupied with our new lover.
Chloe Shani Malveaux also brings up an interesting point about how relationships are depicted in media and how that shapes the expectations and limitations we put on our own relationships:
There is a scientific basis for this perception that love is less intense over time. It is because relationships shift from passionate love to long term attachment. Literally if you looked at a picture of your love the first week in the relationship, and then a picture of them 10 years later, you may still love them, but different parts of the brain are being activated and responding depending on where you are in the relationship with that person.
Infatuation love fades, it is supposed to, but what it also does is it gives the initial push to spend as much time with that person to be able to develop long term attachment to that person by the time the infatuation fades. This is a point where some relationships fail, when the infatuation fades but the attachment never stuck. And people get bored and unsatisfied in the relationship, wondering why they were with the person in the first place. They realize that they no longer love this person anymore because the infatuation love has faded and the long term attachment love never took its place.
But I can see another reason why some relationships fail at this stage is due to our cultural perceptions that infatuation love is true love and it should remain consistent throughout the relationship. That if infatuation love ever wanes then it is an indicator that true love is waning, and therefore the relationship is failing.
So all of this is to say a) TOTES NORMAL, this feeling you’re feeling, and b) y’all probably just need some new stuff to do! Here are some ideas off the top of my freckled head.
Do Things Apart
You seem to have limited downtime, but maybe carve out a few hours to do something new by yourself. Get separate hobbies, read a weirdo book from a genre you don’t usually consider, learn something, volunteer, be really early for something and find a way to fill that time with whatever’s around and then write about it. This can be hard if either of you is maybe a little clingy, but you really have to stand up for your Me Time, even if you’re standing up to yourself. Did that sentence make sense?
“i can’t wait to tell my girlfriend everything i’ve learned about pigeons today!”
via shutterstock
“oh you think i look sexy with my new soccer ball? wait ’til you see the jersey.”
via shutterstock
You’ll have so much to talk about the next time you see each other, also you’ll be more interesting in general, which is neat. I’m sure you’re very interesting now though, for the record.
Do Things Together
Get out of your house/city and take a field trip to a new place. This gives you some new memories to remember! Together! Even if the trip is a disaster and everything was went wrong, you still did it together and came back together and just ALL THE TOGETHERNESS. Bonding forever. But probably everything won’t go wrong and you’ll have a fabulous time.
Also: hotel sex.
“should’ve taken that left turn at albuquerque. oh well! we can still have sex on this rock maybe?”
via shutterstock
“I’m not wearing any underwear! what kind of flowers did you say these were?”
via shutterstock
Do Things in the Company of Others
This is my personal favorite. Maybe it’s some version of the thrill of the chase, but watching your person interact with other people is somehow really fucking sexy. I theorize this is because you can’t just makeout with her right there on the spot — I mean there are people around and she’s in the middle of a sentence, it’d be totally rude. So no matter what kinky thought is going through your dirty little mind, you have to wait. This is usually when I think back to all of the hottest sex we’ve had, or even just what she looks like topless, and then I think, “OMG I KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE WHEN SHE [all the things] AND YOU JERKS HAVE NO IDEA (hopefully). FUCK YEAH ME DOT COM.” That leads to me thinking about how we’re a couple, you know? Like a real couple with a past and a present — we’re a little team, and that’s totally fucking adorable! We cuddle on the sofa together and she knows I like straws! And then all the oxytocin floods my system, I’m assuming, and I fall in love again. Right there at SoAndSo’s birthday party. Thanks, SoAndSo!
“you have no idea how hot it is to see you pushing other people in swings. i love your corset top. holy shit.”
via Bina Hammer Photography
Do Things That Scare the Shit Out of You
This one comes to you via my main bitch, Megan, who thinks that maybe doing something really terrifying and thrilling together will make you both feel super alive and bonded even more, because you’ve lived through this horrifying event. I’m scared of scary things, so I think this is nuts, but I think she’s talking about haunted houses and rollercoasters — something that’s out of your comfort zone — not car accidents and tornadoes. “Egg somebody’s house,” she’s saying from the kitchen. I don’t know, I think you can get really creative here.
remember when dee’s virginity went from technical to non-existent?
Do Things Happily
This might not apply to you, but sometimes it’s easy to turn your relationship into a 24/7 therapy and venting session. Don’t do that. It brings everyone down and puts a blanket of stress and blah on top of everything. If a lot of negative shit is happening in your life, definitely take some time to decompress and get some support from your person, but then temper that shit with some positivity. This will also keep you from being a really negative person overall, because you shouldn’t dwell. That’s what my grandmother always said and she grew up during the Depression with five siblings in a house with a dirt floor and hardly any food, so.
“i was going to talk about my misogynistic boss, but instead let’s take in this sunset. fucking lovely.”
via shutterstock
Buy New Underthings
Do you need some new underwears? Probably. New underthings will make you feel 100% more excited about taking off your clothes, having someone’s face between your legs, throwing a bra at someone’s head while they’re tied to a chair, having a bra thrown at your head while you’re tied to a chair, grocery shopping, climate change, hangnails, etc. Lucky for you, Autostraddle has put together an extensive collection of underwear-related shopping/feelings guides.
+ Every Underwear Week Post
+ The Bra Issue: Queer Fashion Guide For Various Shapes, Sizes and Gender Expressions
Of course, you can and should talk to your girlfriend and see how she feels. Some good old fashioned lesbian processing could help you get to any deeper issues that might be there. I think everything’s going to be ok, I really do. If you weirdos have some advice or stories of your own to share, tell us in the comments!
Send your questions to youneedhelp [at] autostraddle [dot] com
Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.
Home Sweet Homo: Moving Tips for Efficient U-Hauling
feature image via Shutterstock
Welcome back to our Home Sweet Homo, the ongoing series where we attempt to turn a cardboard box into a home. Learning to be an adult is hard and paying for it is even harder! Thankfully we’re your Handy Homos, here to make U-hauling as painless as possible. Plus we’ll make sure you get your damage deposit back!
Hello and welcome to Hansen’s dramatic life, wherein I have moved/will move three times this spring and summer and have moved maybe three thousand times in total. My wanderlust, ability to only educate myself in places very far away and naive U-Hauling past have really made me an expert in the logistics of moving. I don’t recommend this. In the immortal words of Tegan and Sara, “It’s not fun. Don’t do it!”
If you do have to move, maybe in with your girlfriend who you’ve been dating for three months but you’re just sure she’s the one (or maybe you’re moving out of that situation, no judgment), you might as well make it as painless as possible. I wish you luck. We’ve already discussed how to move from Point A to Point B with minimal crying, but there’s always more to learn. Here are some tips I’ve picked up along the way.
You, too, could look this happy if you stick to the moving schedule.
via [Shutterstock]
Here’s a handy timeline for when you should be getting things done:
Six weeks ahead of moving day: Secure your new place to live. Get the new address and pay the security deposit. Notify your landlord you’re leaving soon.
Four weeks ahead of moving day: Put in a change of address with the post office to your new place, starting a few days before your move. Hire movers if you want the best moving day of all time.
Two weeks ahead of moving day: Hire a moving truck (compare prices on U-Haul, Budget, and Penske, which are usually the cheapest!), if you’re going to use one. Send out change of address cards to your friends and family. Begin asking friends if they can help you move. Start packing! Grocery shop for the last time. Arrange for gas/electric to be transferred and turned on the night before you move in.
One week ahead of moving day: Change your address for all bills and subscriptions. All of the knick-knacks and not-super-important things can be packed by this point, including wall art. Make a packed box corner to everything out of the way.
Three days ahead of moving day: Start cleaning your old place. I’m talking super clean. I’m talking tracks of windows wiped down clean. Do a little at a time to prevent yourself from feeling overwhelmed. Start with things that won’t necessarily be dirty in three days, like dusty blinds. If you’re moving far away, try to have all of your cleaning done a few days before your move to save on stress headache medication.
The night before moving day: Can you get the keys already? Do this! Or consider moving the day after you get the keys. Go over to the new place with toilet paper and other toiletries like shampoo and soap because you’ll want a shower after you move in. Take tons of pictures of the place before you move in to prevent future landlord disagreements. Move all of your boxes into one room to make getting out in the morning easier. Disconnect your major appliances and defrost your fridge.
Day of the big move: Be ready to move first thing in the morning. Have everything packed by the time your help arrives. Get the moving part done quickly and efficiently and don’t bother to start unpacking yet. If it’s an in-town move, come back in the evening and clean the rest of the way. Take lots of pictures of your old place to prevent landlord disagreements.
“Honey, we’ll definitely need the Rodeoh in our first night box.”
via {Shutterstock}
The Packing and Pre-Move Part
Pack a box with all of the stuff you’ll need right away or on the first night: toiletries, surge protectors, box cutter, phone chargers, toilet paper, trash bags, paper towels, etc. This will help you immensely. Do you plan to eat in your new place the first night? Pack a few cooking and eating utensils in your first night box. Load this last into the truck or car.
Pack important documents together and take them with you in the car. Do not pack them in the back of the moving truck or you’ll never find them. This includes passports, certificates, social security cards. Put them immediately in a safe place where they won’t get lost. I like to put them on top of my desk as soon as it gets moved in, but the kitchen counter has also always proven to be a safe spot.
Use clean clothing/socks as packing for breakables. Clean socks will get you a long way without bubble wrap and newsprint can sometimes leaves marks on white dishes. Kitchen and bathroom towels also act as amazing buffers in boxes with fragile contents.
Label your boxes. I cannot stress this enough. Label what room they go into or you’re going to have a bad time unpacking. Color coding your boxes also works great, like green tape for kitchen, blue for bathroom, red for bedroom and so on. If you really want to get intense, number your boxes and write out a list of everything that went in box 1, 2, 3 and so on.
Place any hardware/screws/etc. and electrical cords into plastic baggies, label them, and tape them to the back of whatever they belong to. There’s nothing worse than tearing apart your room looking for the power cord to the printer.
Don’t bother unpacking dresser drawers. You can cover them in saran wrap if you’re intense, but I usually just place them on top of one another. And don’t move your dresser with your drawers in, that’s just silly.
Figure out how to use as much of the food in your house as possible so you don’t have much to move. Obviously perishable items aren’t going to work in a cross-country situation, but even in cross-town moves, it sucks to have to worry about frozen meat.
Pack smaller things in bigger things. This seems obvious, right? Pack your spices inside of your crockpot. Pack your books inside of a suitcase (the wheels make it so much easier to carry heavy things!). Pack your clothes on their hangers in trash bags. Utilize every nook and cranny you can.
Should have hired movers. Good job on the plaid, though.
via {Shutterstock}
The Actual Move
Hire movers for the heavy furniture. And do so weeks in advance of moving. I know this sounds silly if you’re on a budget, but this will make your life so much easier. You and your friends don’t want to move things like couches, bed frames and large appliances, be honest. If you only have the movers lift the heavy things, it won’t take as long and it won’t cost as much. Plus, if they drop it and break it, they’re liable to cover the cost, as opposed to the terrible dramatics that will come from your friend knocking off the leg to your dining table and saying it’s your fault, anyway. If you don’t want to hire movers, at least get a dolly. You won’t regret it.
Feed your friends and family who helped you move. Or beer them, whichever they choose. Don’t skimp. They just saved you money and a headache. Also, remember them doing you this favor the next time they move or you will have no moving friends or maybe even just friends.
Moving cross country? Consider hiring PODS or movers to ship your things for you. I’ve also heard you can ship your things via Greyhound but your boxes will get a bit banged up.
Moving overseas? Container shipping is your friend! I moved overseas in two large suitcases and paid heavy baggage fees, which is crazy, but Space Bags are also your friend!
Packing Chihuahuas in boxes? Probs not recommended.
via {Shutterstock}
Moving with Pets
Pack your pet’s things last and move their things into the new place first. Section off a room, preferably a bathroom, that can become their safe space for the move. My vet recommended moving all of your furniture in before letting them explore the new place to give them a sense of security and fill the place with your scent. Most importantly, while you’re moving your stuff in, make sure they’re safe so that you don’t have the added stress of chasing your dog in your new neighborhood along with your move. Trust me. Also, don’t forget to update your microchip information.
If you have a dog, putting up a baby gate that allows them to see you but keeps them out of the way can cut down on their stress. Give them extra attention, but beware of showering them with treats because moving might upset their little tummies and we all know how fun that can be. Take them outside of the new place right away so they can mark their new territory and sniff all the fun new smells.
For cats, my vet recommended Feliway and it worked so well. My cat is a Sensitive Sally, so I was really worried about her Feelings. I sprayed the old apartment a few days before moving out to get her used to the pheromones, then I sprayed the new apartment before moving her in. She adjusted really quickly and without any bad stress-like symptoms, so three cheers for pheromones. If you have more than one cat or if you’re merging cat households, make sure you move them in at the same time for territorial purposes.
Moving aftermath: you’re doing it right.
via {Shutterstock}
The Aftermath of Moving
Make sure you wash all dishes and cookware, no matter what. I don’t care if you washed them immediately before moving. Wash them again.
To cook or not to cook? I prefer to eat out at restaurants or order in for the first few nights until I get my kitchen set up, so I like to tally that into my moving budget.
Personalize your place as quickly as possible. Hang up some art. Set up a bookcase. It’s going to feel weird for the first few nights in your place and these things quickly remind you that you’re not renting a vacation home, but that you’re really living there.
Don’t rush on unpacking. I like to be unpacked by about two weeks in, but I start with one room and set it up nice and then make it my safe haven for when stacks of boxes give me panic attacks about the state of my world.
What other moving tips have you found to be super helpful?
To Be A U-Haul Lesbian or Not To Be A U-Haul Lesbian: Almost Definitely Not
The snowdrops and daffodils are poking their shy heads from the new-thawed ground and the little lambs are baaaahing all knock-kneed and the Easter Bunny is about to bring my ass about a thousand discounted Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs the day after Easter, so what does all that mean…?
Why, it’s Spring, the season of new starts and rebirth!
Just as duckies are pecking their way out of their confining shells, every lesbiqueer in the land is sniffing the rich, earthy smell of the soil as it warms in the sun, thinking:
and then, for reasons that defy science to this day, jumping directly from those peaceful springtime thoughts to:
“You know, it sure is stupid that I spend almost every night at my girlfriend’s house but I still pay rent on my apartment.”
Yes.
That is the exact, scientific pattern of the thoughts we ladygays have in late March/early April. (It took researchers years of transcribing and paid brain studies to record this split-second synapse.)
 |
| [thanks Susie] |
No one knows how we as a people annually make that thought-jump, but make it we do.
As predictable as the seasons themselves, it’s the start of the Annual Dyke Moving Season! Hoooraaaay!
 |
| [via feministdating] |
Ohhhh c’mon. Don’t be like that.
I really want to talk about this.
I can’t believe we never have.
I mean, there are articles about U-Haul lesbians and lezzers who make fun of U-Haul lesbians and lots of lesbiqueers who insist that they aren’t U-Haul lesbians, but somehow, U-Haulin’ keeps mysteriously happening to the queers that surround us all.
 |
| [thanks Yaara] |
And what is a U-Haul lesbian?
(asks maybe someone? from another country? who is new to being queer and/or totally removed from queer culture?)
A U-Haul lesbian is a dyke who moves in with her current lover after only dating for a short amount of time.
 |
| [thanks Miranda] |
An alarmingly short amount of time.
An amount of time that makes the dyke-in-question’s friends gasp.
Anywhere from, say, a few weeks to juuust shy of twelve months.
I mean, we’ve all heard the joke, right?
Q: What does a lesbian bring to the second date?
A: A U-Haul.
HA HA HA *barfs*
 |
| [via streets-are-uneven] |
Not only is this the oldest lesbian joke around…it stings a bit because it has juuuuust the teensiest ring of truth.
People joke about lezzers moving in with each other way too early for a reason—it’s often kind of true.
We do it.
It happens a lot in real life.
 |
| [thanks Rose] |
And I don’t know about you all, but this is a conversation I have on the regular with friends in newish relationships:
Friend: Soooo guess what?
Me: What?
Friend: Tell me what you think, but I think I’m going to ask Danni/Kym/Jess/current-girlfriend-of-several-months if she wants to move in with me!
Me: I think that’s a horrible idea.
Friend: Uggh I knew you’d say that. I don’t know why I’m even telling you.
Sluts, it’s true. I admit it.
I am a known wet blanket when it comes to supporting my friends who are U-Hauling.
It’s because I can’t with this shit anymore.
I just can’t.
Otherwise I’ll have no friends left, and then who would I go for tacos with?
 |
| [did you know kangaroos lie like this? me either.] |
But fuckit—this is the internet and no one ever feels repercussions in their real lives from something they said on the internet, right?
So here goes:
DYKES! HEAR ME! Moving in with someone you’ve been dating for less than, say, a year, is a horrible idea.
Almost always.
It’s none of my fucking business what y’all fags do, obviously, but it iiiiiiis, though, because I love you and I want your new relationship to be beautiful and lovely and happy and I want you two to work out.
I do.
I want you queermos to kiss each other in selfies and put that shit on facebook.
 |
| [Ricky and Stephanie haaaay do you like each other? |
I want you to post disgustingly cute Instagrams of the heart-shaped pancakes one of you makes the other on Valentine’s Day.
In my heart of hearts, I wish mind-blowing fuck sessions and adorable pillow talk and barfy secret animal nicknames upon you, along with snuggling and movies and brunch and inside jokes and holding hands with your partner while walking on a crisp autumn day.
 |
| [thanks Yaara] |
This is what I hope for you faggettes, and this is why I must rail against U-Haulin’.
But best believe: I get it. I really do.
You love your girl/boifriend, and you’ve been dating for awhile now with practically no problems. Y’all are basically perfect together.
No fights, not much drama, you’re over there all the time anyway, and sorry, but have you seen them? Danni/Kym/Jess/current-lover-of-several-months is sooooo fucking cute, my GOD.
 |
| [thanks pillowtalkmpls] |
Why wouldn’t you want to go to sleep with them every night and wake up every day with them? Why wouldn’t you revel in the fact that you’re coming home every evening from work to the cutest person in the world, who will help make dinner and then let you pick the Netflix and fuck you senseless and then sleep naked while spooning you?
 |
| [thanks yaara] |
It’s really hard to find an awesome girlfriend in this town.
You need to lock that shit down.
I know, I know.
But hunnybun. Cutie pie. Darling-of-my-heart: Don’t do it.
Don’t move in with your lovah if you’ve only been dating for three or four or five or seven months.
It will most likely fuck with your relationship and you will probably break up from the stress of it, unless you’re a couple in a million.
And maybe you were meant to break up in the long run anyway, but moving in early makes things a hundred times worse.
A new relationship is not ready for the responsibility and day-to-day work that living together entails.
 |
| [thanks Margo L.] |
A new relationship is at the point in the love story where you and your new sweetie get to stare at each other in coffeeshops when you should be working on the computer and fuck each other in cars because you can’t wait to get upstairs and take each other out on elaborately impressive dates and really miss each other when one of you goes home.
 |
| [thanks Lauren and Adrienne] |
Moving in together prematurely ages your relationship.
When you move in together early, you suddenly have to deal with Life Shit like paying bills and rent and whose turn it is to buy milk and cat food. Suddenly, at the same time, you’re also finding things out about your lover that you didn’t know at all or that you maybe find… kind of annoying.
Like maybe she clips her fingernails in the sink but then doesn’t wash them down the drain.
Maybe s/he doesn’t, um, ever do the dishes.
Maybe she has a dog she loves but you’re finding out she’s actually pretty bad about taking care of it, and suddenly, because you feel guilty about the poor dog who never gets let out…it’s basically your dog now.
TOO BAD YOU LIVE TOGETHER NOW, THOUGH, AMIRIGHT?
 |
| [thanks OISHIIMOMO] |
It’s entirely possible that, given more time to just date, you would have discovered that:
a) some of these things (omg the poor dog!) are dealbreakers, or
b) you love this person enough to work through the annoying things.
We’ll never know which one it would have been now, though, will we?
 |
| [thanks Zoe D.] |
You are now forced make a decision that actually needed a lot more time—how well do you work with this person? Do you want to move forward or move out?
If you want to move forward in the relationship, you need to work out and deal with the things that are driving you crazy about living with your partner.
And you may not have had enough conflict in your relationship yet to know how to, um, deal with conflict in your relationship.
But if you want to move out… the relationship is most likely gonna be over.
Because you live together, there is no breathing room for not being sure.
 |
| [thanks Emily S! zanybah.com] |
You can’t just continue to date your lover, finding things out about them slowly, and making a decision about them after knowing how you two mesh and what you’re getting into.
It’s all in or get off the boat.
 |
| [thanks Rose S.] |
And new relationships don’t need that kind of pressure.
They tend to crack under the strain.
I submit this incredibly legitimate study to you as proof:
Every gayelle friend I have ever had who moved in with her girlfriend before they’d been dating for at least a year… is no longer with her girlfriend.
With no exceptions.
(And I know a lot of lesbians.)
But! But!
You have good reasons for moving in!
You’re sure it will work for you!
You and your girl are so right together, and I’m an overgeneralizing asshole!
You have arguments!
 |
| [thanks Wynn] |
And here they all are, in no particular order!
1) We’re going to move in together after only dating a few months because…
“It’s cheaper to live together! We’ll be saving money.”
Aww, how romantic are you?
Gheys, I get it. The economy is bad. We’re young and/or we have shitty jobs. But if the sole reason you’re moving in with your girlfriend is to save money? Not only is this the most unromantic thing ever, but jesus, haven’t you ever heard of roommates?
Save your relationship. Live with friends.
Or non-creepy strangers from Craigslist roommate ads.
Anyone but your sweet girlfriend of four months.
 |
| [Thanks Victoria! From findingsnooze] |
2) We’re going to move in together after only dating a few months because…
“I’m over there every night anyway, it’s stupid to have my own place too, and I’m sick of living out of a bag.”
Yes. You are dating someone new. That means you will be over at their place a lot. They will be over at yours. This does not make your place useless—it serves a distinct function in that it is your place, a living situation separate from your new lover’s.
The thrill of being in someone’s unfamiliar space is part of dating someone new. Maybe get a toothbrush at your girlfriend’s house and calm down, honeybear?
Traveling back and forth between houses is admittedly inconvenient, but you know what’s more inconvenient?
Breaking up with someone you signed a year-long lease with when you only knew them for five months beforehand.
 |
| [thanks Britt] |
3) We’re going to move in together after only dating a few months because…
“We love each other soooo much. We’re meant to be.”
This is adorable and sweet and so, so hopeful.
How cute is it that it was love at first sight and you’re totally fated to be with this person you’ve only spent a handful of blissful weeks with?
You’re doomed.
 |
| [thanks Blake! eyesatme] |
4) We’re going to move in together after only dating a few months because…
“We’re such good friends, we’d be great roommates even if we ever broke up!”
Nope. No, you’re not. And no, you wouldn’t be.
If you and your new lover were friends to begin with, or consider yourselves friends and lovers, then the process of breaking up and moving out should (fairly neatly) take care of that.
Even if you two can somehow manage to continue living together after breaking up, it will be awkward. as. fuck. for the next few months.
 |
| [thanks Sarah T.] |
Ugh.
Actually, the only reason I can possibly think of that could possibly be a winning argument for moving in early with someone is:
5) “It’s an emergency.”
Things happen, mos.
Girlfriends of six months that you’re completely in love with suddenly lose their jobs and have no savings.
Your new girlfriend’s dad gets sick and the only way she can afford to keep flying back and forth to take care of her dad is if she gets rid of her apartment.
You get sick, really sick, and your lover of seven months moves in to help take care of you because you can’t move back in with your parents.
Of course things happen. And sometimes moving in together is the best of the few possible solutions. But in that case, you’re only doin’ it because you have to, and you do it with your eyes open, knowing that it could strain your relaysh.
 |
| [thanks pillowtalkmpls] |
Now, I’m sure there are some of you faggettes out there who moved in together prematurely, and it worked out fiiiine. (There have to be, or else why would dykes keep U-Hauling alive, the fine and thriving tradition that it is today?)
It must have worked out for someone somewhere.
 |
| [thanks OISHIIMOMO and Liza] |
But—at the risk of sounding like a True Love Waits teen purity rally—what, gayelles, is so wrong with just dating?
Getting to know someone thoroughly before jumping whole-hog into Living Together?
It can only help a relationship for both people to know exactly what they’re getting into.
 |
| [thanks Maria J.] |
And think about how exciting it will be to move in together when you do decide to do it.
There’s nothing like that first walk through IKEA, friends.
Nothing.
Lesbiqueers. Mine is not the only opinion out there.
This post originally appeared on Effing Dykes! Republished WITH PERMISSION, MOTHERF*CKERS!
The (Over)Thinker: On How To Be A Human With Another Human
Being cerebral and someone who “over thinks” (which if you are, you don’t quite grasp how MOAR THINKING could ever be a bad thing), you’re aware of your flaws and you either fix them or decide that they’re a deserving piece in the wacky jigsaw of a person you’ve come to be. That’s all well and good until you’re in a relationship and this carefully crafted person you are is face to face with someone who believes in your greatness but is sometimes upset by how it plays out. So what do you do when someone doesn’t like this masterpiece you’ve created? I mean, you know you’re not perfect but it took a long time to get that way and you’re happy with the current version.
You, this impeccable human being that embraces their flaws and flaunts their strengths, have to come to terms with the fact that you might have to change the way you operate in some cases. That can be a hard pill to swallow (you don’t even like pills). Because if you think you’re great, and they think they’re great, but you have problems, maybe you two aren’t supposed to be great with each other. Didn’t you build yourselves up so you wouldn’t have to change? Relationships include relinquishing some amount of say in your happiness to another. And who are we kidding. You’re a control freak and that freaks your shit out.
Here is this other person with a whole background, life, and years of experiences completely separate of yours. No matter how much time you spend with her, you can never know her whole story and she can never know yours. You just hope that she can apply what she does know to guess at how your lived experience informs your everyday. Most of the time you bumble around unaware of the individuality of everyone around you but when you finally feel like you connect with someone and are experiencing a sense of oneness, you have moments of, “Whoa. You are a completely different person.” It’s crazy. You’re crazy. To expect someone other than yourself to “get” you is a few inches short of sane. And as someone who feels constantly misunderstood, this is your ultimate life goal — to find someone who can make sense of you when it’s been such a journey to make sense of yourself.
You always think you need things figured out before you jump into shit. Unfortunately, relationships do not escape this fate. If anything, it’s more apparent there than with any other aspect of your life. What you’re currently finding is when two people that think they know themselves SO WELL are in a relationship, they think they can predict the problems they will have in the future. Instead of waiting until those problems actually arise and deal with them as they come, they try to nip it in the bud before it happens. Or worse, they contemplate succumbing to these yet-to-have transpired problems. They talk about the relationship in this cerebral, philosophical way. Every relationship is like infinity; the possibilities are limitless… but also, no one really knows what the fuck they’re talking about because no one’s been there before. +
And so here you two are. The over thinkers. Positive that given your command of knowledge of yourselves, you can predict what things will cause you problems. There’s no way you can but you pretend anyway so when it happens, it won’t feel like failure in the same way it would if you’d given yourself up to the possibility that maybe it doesn’t have to fail. You want to have a rational cushion to pad your fall. So you rely on, “Oh, I knew this would happen because I’m a genius and no one can get anything past me!” But the only thing that could be getting past you is your relationship. You have to know. You have to be prepared. And you’ve been prioritizing being right over being happy.
+
+
People think that early in the relationship, you shouldn’t be thinking about these things. You shouldn’t be imagining years down the line and you don’t get that. That seems like poor fucking planning. You don’t know how to stop being that person. To be someone that just lives and enjoys and doesn’t worry about it. But yeah. That’s kind of what you have to do. In every other instance, this is the person you want to relax with. This is the person that somehow finds the magic button that turns your brain off, even if just for a second. So maybe you should chill the fuck out. You kind of owe it to them. And to yourself.
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
Oh Hell No: When Your Girlfriend Publicly Hates on You
I call it getting ‘sunned.’
too bad getting sunned doesn’t look/feel like this
sun: (v.) to shame, humiliate and or betray someone’s life secrets in public; to purposefully point out flaws or insecurities in another person to prove a point or make oneself look better.
reference: you “throw shade” behind someone’s back and “sun” them in public.
Ok so now that the urban slang dictionary has been utilized, let’s discuss some thangs.
First of all, no one should ever sun you and if they do, they need to be checked right then and there. Maybe you’d rather ignore it, that’s fine too. Blessed are the peacemakers and whatnot. But I think it’s crucial to respond to such treatment especially when it’s done by a lover, partner (s) or someone you’re in an intimate relationship with however it’s been classified. Anyone that’s obtained your trust, been given access to your body and has been debriefed on all the awesome and personal details on your life, should always respect those privileges and most importantly, they must respect you. They need never make you look like a fool in public or use the public space to tear you to shreds. As if we all weren’t the fragile-est of kittens.
But sometimes we are with people who have no boundaries, are passive aggressively abusive, don’t know how else to deal with their own anxieties/frustrations, they’re on drugs or they’re just fucking bullies. No one knows exactly when it happens, when the queermo of your dreams turns into someone who is gunning for you. It happens though and we tend to put up with more shit from someone we’re dating, involved with, like I said whatever you want to call it, then we do for the homophobic f*cks filling up our Facebook feeds and tv screens.
So the act of the sun will most definitely occur in front of friends, family, co-workers or even just the people at the bar. FYI, ninety-nine percent of the time no one will come to your rescue. It’s not that they haven’t noticed. Trust me, those hateful comments slice through every conversation as quick as a racist joke. They cause two immediate reactions:
1) The Deer in Headlights Wide-Eyed Pause
2) Shared Looks and Nervous Laughter
Half of the people in your circle will assume that this violation of trust is an understood method of joking between you and your significant other. The other half will know full well that you were just sunned and will look to you for the appropriate way to respond. They will take comfort knowing that this exchange was based on an issue in your relationship. They will keep their mouths shut because this is ‘not their business’.
Note: You may have one badass friend who immediately steps up and says something like, ‘Oh hell no, what did you just say?’
This super hero friend may then proceed to remove earrings/favorite accessory, crack knuckles and plant themselves right in your s.o.’s face. Pull them away, buy them a drink and then provide them with one ridiculous ‘i love you’ hug. Then you must go handle your business.
This is so your business. Your life, dignity and self respect are on the line. This is the moment to prove to yourself that better treatment is deserved and anything less will not be tolerated. So let’s slow down a bit. The thing about being publicly humiliated by someone you care about is that it occurs similarly to slight of hand magic. Here it is, right in the open, right in front of everyone’s face and yet, no one is sure of what exactly has happened. Questions like “Was that just a joke?” or “Am I overreacting?” spring up and stall any immediate response to the transgression. While those questions are valid, I find that they are also symptomatic of the fucked up way we are trained to ignore our instincts when being harmed by trusted others. So let’s test the waters.
Example of “Just a Joke” vs. “You Got Sunned”
Scenario 1
You: Yes, I love cookies. I eat them everywhere
S.O.: Now if only I could get this cookie monster to not eat them in bed.
–wink. nudge. everybody barf.-
Scenario 1 is a cute joke from someone who would like you to stop leaving crumbs in the bed.
mmmm coooookies, beetch.
Scenario 2
You: Yes, I love cookies. I eat them everywhere.
S.O.: Yeah, you better keep an eye on that cuz otherwise you’re gonna need that gastric bypass like your mom.
NOT A JOKE. Definitely a crack on you and your mom.
These were two low-key examples, the cuts are often way deeper. Not that fat-shaming isn’t high on the list of serious offenses because it so is and if anyone ever says something about your body, you definitely got sunned and they deserve a serious hip check into the glass (You know, in a non-violent sort of way). I digress. Anyway, cookies aren’t often the impetus for public humiliation. So what do you do when the person who shares your bed and maybe has your heart uses pieces of your life to put you down? And, how the hell are you supposed to navigate that in public?
Listen to your instincts; they exist for a reason. They are your guides through the fuck all of life and we are consistently told to ignore them. We often tell each other to allow room for the benefit of the doubt at all times and sometimes: that is bullshit. I’m not a doctor or a psychologist. I’m just a chick. This is life. We have to share the crazy, the gross and all of the uncomfortable things. Here are a couple of ways to respond to being publicly humiliated. You and your instincts get to decide what works and what doesn’t.
1) Walk Away. Compose Self.
Engaging in someone’s rudeness can create more rudeness and nothing is resolved. Step away with the intention to handle things with a clearer head. If the remark was something just a touch out of hand, maybe you and your partner can deal with it later in private. Maybe you need to step away so you don’t drop the c-bomb or stoop to her level. Take a paus-E.
2) Combo Pause & Pull.
Don’t laugh at the comment(s) or dismiss the offender. Stop talking, give your best “Oh Hell No” face and politely excuse yourself and your person. Find a private space (not directly outside of the bar or in the middle of the library) and discuss the harm they have caused immediately. Process. Be clear that it wasn’t cool. Very very clear. Feel free to regroup, let your person buy you a flower and maybe chill out for a bit.
3) Be Bold.
The offense was not a cute cookie slip up. Your S.O. just shouted out that you used to cut yourself or that you’re weak like your drunk father or something else completely out of line. Maybe they’ve been berating you all fucking night long and you are ready to dive off the edge into nothing because nothing would be better than this. Also, maybe they’re fucked up on drugs or alcohol and this already horrific night will end up in a brawl or a cop car.
* Do Not Go Home With Them
* Call Your People
* Find Somewhere Else to Be
* Do Not Engage – Ignore phone calls, text messages, carrier pigeons etc
* Activate Self-Preservation Mode at All Costs
* Sleep Somewhere Safe
* Make Big Decisions in the Morning by Yourself
I say by yourself because if drugs or alcohol are involved then most likely this person will not remember the offense they have committed. Thus, they will seem like a hungover kitten baby with big huge tears in its anime eyes begging for your forgiveness. Blackouts cannot be the sacred canopy that allows all of the abuse to continue. Also, if they’re not a user or an alcoholic, denial is strong like quicksand and you will be stuck in theirs scrambling to remember why you were hurt in the first place. So go it alone, young soldier of love.
++
Again, who am I to even dole out this kind out pseudo-advice? To be honest, like honest in a way that is making me want to puke, I used to be the perpetrator of public humiliation. Once, I was in a relationship with a charming, beautiful, super funny alcoholic/addict. She pursued me, effortlessly, and then I just chased her around everywhere. She’d bounce to find drugs, low lifes, and trouble and I’d be dying from anxiety and fear and all this fucked up shit. I’d find her in jail, on the floor of a bar, passed out on someone else’s couch or at our doorstep ready to tell me to leave her the fuck alone. Or I’d try to keep up with her and party just as hard as she did or even instigate the partying because I wanted to be part of her world and keep an eye on her and well, it never ever worked.
The drugs and alcohol became such a normal part of our relationship that it was hard to distinguish what was really me or what was me responding to all of our insanity. I loved her and I knew she loved me too. We just lost our way.
I cheated and lied using her addiction as an excuse when I should have just been honest with her. I also pleaded with her to get help and to stop using and nothing. Absolutely nothing.
If it was going to be like this in private then I’d have to try and gain power/control back some other way.
I took to being the public asshole. I cursed at her and put her addictions on blast, in the public space just hoping someone would notice how much pain I was in. You know what they noticed instead? That I was verbally abusing and publicly humiliating someone and that just made me an asshole. It’s never ok to treat anyone like they’re beneath you. Cuz they’re not, and my ruthlessness never ended our pain, so what good was it? It just made me more powerless, crazy and mean. So, here are some words if you’re on the other side of it, especially if you’re responding to abuse with more abuse cuz that shit never works.
1) END IT
Right now. End that shit. If you’re treating someone like garbage because they’re an addict or because they’re abusing you in some other way, please just remove yourself from the relationship. There is no other recourse. Fuck couples counseling right now because you need to help yourself first. Also, their addictions or their passive aggressive jealousy or whatever is stuck up their ass against you won’t go away because you pray to Lesbian Jesus. You can’t change a person by wishing or being the best partner. At this point, things can only get worse. ABORT.
2) Get Some Help, Kid.
I wished someone would have noticed how bad it was and swooped in to save me/us. Maybe I didn’t ask for help in the right way, maybe we didn’t know we had to ask for it. So I’m imploring you to heal yourself after you get out of the fuck. I couldn’t afford therapy for too long — maybe a session here and there. Here’s what I did:
-let her go
-tried to be her friend
-realized we were still toxic
-promised to never again allow myself to be in a position that brought out the evil in me and allowed me to be consumed by the Devil in someone else
-wrote wrote write write keep writing
-surrounded myself with friends that didn’t party with us
-cut ties with significant other sympathizers
-deep breaths
-creative projects like directing/producing a web series, working with kids on a fashion doc, applying to a new job, going to the beach, not doing drugs or binge drinking and just a gentler, softer, sweeter life.
Also, I felt like I should share this story, these tips because to not share things is to allow them to happen to others. I love all of you queermos so much that I’d never forgive myself for not giving the right fucks. I know in my heart and deep in my guts that if it wasn’t for Autostraddle, the site, the staff and the readers, that I’d be cut up, bleeding or fucked up in some corner somewhere wishing life was over. So please feel free to leave comments but I ask that you leave them with love and respect. I ask that you honor the puke-inducing honesty shared and leave your words, pointed or otherwise, with the same love and care.
Bottom Line: Anyone that suns you is lost in the dark. Step away before their darkness swallows you whole and steals your light forever.
Resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (tty)
Communities United Against Violence (CUAV)
415.333.HELP (4357)
San Francisco, CA
The nation’s first LGBTQQ anti-violence organization. Their mission is to prevent and respond to violence against and within the LGBTQQ community. They have a huge variety of resources and programs. Their safety line is one of their strongest resources.
The Network/La Red
617.742.4911(v) 617.227.4911(tty)
Boston, MA
This is a bilingual organization (English/Spanish). They offer services to LGBTQ people and anyone who is part of SM/kink and polyamorous communities. Their hotline is there for anyone who just wants to talk or is looking for safe spaces, temporary homes, and other resources related to leaving an abusive relationship.
The New York City Gay & Lesbian Anti-Violence Project
212.714.1141
New York City, NY
24hr bilingual hotline. Focused on NYC’s LGBTQ and HIV affected communities.
Survivor Project
503.288.3191
Dedicated to the needs of intersex and transgender survivors of domestic and sexual violence.
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” column exists for individual queer ladies to tell their own personal stories and share compelling experiences. These personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
Long-Distance Lesbian Relationships: How To Make Them Work And When To Call It Quits
Let’s face it: Long-distance relationships aren’t always fun. Ideally, you’d like to be face-to-face with your partner for conversations, large life events, or simply put, sex. Especially sex. But that doesn’t mean they can’t work. I watched many a cute couple at A-Camp find one another and then realize the other person lives in Canada or Europe or New York or somewhere over the rainbow. Long-distance is also pretty common in that first year of college, when your girlfriend ends up in California and you’re in Ohio. Maybe you just met someone online and they’re perfect, but they’re from France. I’ve been in quite a few long-distance, long-term relationships, from New York to Brazil to Australia. I’ll admit, sometimes my favorite part of past relationships have been the distance, but sometimes the distance was what broke us up. There is no right or wrong way to be in a long-distance relationship — maybe you thrive on independence or maybe you just need cuddles at night. Here are some of my protips on how to make it work and when to know that it’s over.
Make It Work.
Communicate. This is so easy in theory, but maybe your girlfriend lives in Australia and she’s only awake for half of the day that you’re awake. Prioritize those times. Schedule in times to talk and stick to those dates as if you were going out to a real dinner together. Skype! It’s such a glorious thing! So is texting, if you’re not internationally in love. If you are international, Facebook message or download an app that let’s you text through the internet (my favorite is TextNow). Voxer and HeyTell are also awesome. Keep in touch in ways that are not Facebook. Email. Snail mail love letters. Send care packages. Most importantly, share what your day was like and let your love know you’re missing her.
via {dandelion cheesecake}
Talk About Jealousy Issues. Unfortunately, this is a huge part of why long-distance relationships don’t work. But maybe you’re the exception! Talk through what’s making you jealous — are you sad you can’t be the one eating lunch with her in the school cafeteria? Are you annoyed that a cute girl is taking up more attention than you? These are real, legitimate concerns and you shouldn’t demean them. You should talk about them and figure out how to compromise. It all comes down to trust. Do you honestly, really, one million bazillion percent trust that your partner will not cheat on you? Good. Then you can get through it. If not, then you need to be reevaluating this whole thing you’ve got going on.
Schedule Dates. The most important thing is to stick to these dates as if they were actual, in real life, going out together dates. Watch movies together on the phone or Skype. Play online or phone games together (one of my girlfriends and I became obsessed with Yahoo pool once? It was awesome). Find silly things you can do online together — karaoke, drawing, etc.
See One Another. Alternate visiting one another. Travelling is expensive, especially when you have to take time off work. Seeing each other in real life is the best part of being in a long-distance relationship, because it’s always exciting and feel like new, so try to just live in the moment. I used to ruin the last one or two days of a visit by sulking because I didn’t want my girlfriend to leave and that’s probably my biggest regret. Don’t expect your partner to be able to take time off work if you’re visiting her, and don’t make her feel guilty if this is the case. Just be grateful for time spent together. Travel together! Why don’t you meet halfway and explore somewhere together? If you’re in Washington and your girlfriend is in California, meet in Portland. That way you both get vacations and some quality alone time.
Sex. The lack thereof is a major downside of being in a LDR. Find other avenues of intimacy, whether it’s phone sex, naked pictures, Skype… sessions… you do you. Just be forewarned about sending naked pictures to your partner — the internet is forever.
Don’t Let Other People Get You Down. Heaps of people you meet are going to cringe when you tell them your girlfriend lives in Brazil. So what? Are you happy? Yes? Okay. Haters are gonna hate. Get over this as early on in the relationship as possible.
Have Your Own Life. I love being independent. This was my favorite part of being in a long-distance relationship: the ability to go do my own thing. It’s easy to fall into the pattern of spending every night on the phone for hours with your girlfriend. Unfortunately, that isn’t very sustainable. Go out and make friends or you’re going to be miserable. Go to that concert, go to that party. Believe me, you will regret not doing these things.
via {xkcd}
Have A Time Frame For Ending The Distance. This gives you something to look forward to together. Maybe you’re going to be apart for a few months or a few years. You might not know exact dates in the beginning, but make sure you and your partner talk about eventually living in the same place together. If neither of you wants to compromise…
When To Call it Quits
When You Can’t Compromise. For example, with one of my previous girlfriends, we did the long-distance thing, then we lived together, then we went back to the long-distance thing, and because I didn’t want to keep sacrificing being away from my family to live in another country and I hate flying, and she didn’t want to sacrifice being away from her family and she hated flying, we broke up. That’s the simplified version. Take care of yourself, because nothing is worse than resenting your partner for things out of your control.
When Jealousy Can’t Be Overcome. Is your partner guilt-tripping you for hanging out with your best friend or not picking up the phone by the third ring? Not worth it. Do you find yourself becoming physically sick at the thought of her hanging out with that cute girl without you? Not worth it. First, talk to your girlfriend about the feelings and go from there.
via {misskiller tumblr}
When You Find Yourself Liking Someone Else. Do not, under any circumstances, cheat on your partner. Don’t do it. It’s never okay, not even when you haven’t been around your partner in months and you have completely forgotten how good girls smell and feel and taste. If you’re tempted to cheat, it’s better to just end things.
When It’s Just Not Worth It Anymore. You probably already know when you’re at this point. Admitting defeat does not make you a bad person. Ever. Sometimes you tried really hard or you didn’t want to try anymore or you just don’t want to be in a long-distance relationship. There’s nothing wrong with any of this.
Run Anyway: Real Talk About Abusive Lesbian Relationships
Abuse. It’s a tiny word for such an enormous thing. And it’s a word that we rarely find used to describe behavior within same-gender relationships. As queer women who are put down by the rest of the world on a daily basis, it’s really scary to think about one of our own committing the same abusive acts as the people who oppress our community. The legal system often doesn’t recognize our abusive relationships as such, and we often don’t have access to the resources we need to get help. It can feel like there’s nowhere to turn, and asking for help is so, so hard. But people are people, and we need to talk about the way we treat each other and how we hold each other accountable.
“Mistrial #4” by Carol Jacobsen
Olivia Q at the Hairpin writes,
The day my girlfriend and I broke up for the fifth and final time was the day Barack Obama announced that he supported gay marriage. I let out a laugh that was more like a bark, took a Xanax, and slept on and off for the next two days. My friends brought me water and pizza, sat next to me in front of television shows I don’t remember.
The next week was akin to rising up in an airplane above a city in which you have lived for a while, and suddenly understanding the shape of it — the curve of the coast or the sinewy motion of a river, the grid of streets. As I began to feel human, I resumed eating. In our kitchen, my roommate said to me, “You’re coming back. You’ve gotten loud again.”
I hadn’t realized I’d been quiet for so long.
I am not normally afraid of words, but I was afraid of this one. I was so afraid of it, I lied to my friends, my teachers, my no-nonsense therapist.
Abuse. Abuse. Abuse. Even the syllables sound ugly, debased. Even my friends who knew something was wrong couldn’t say it. “Something is not right.” “I’m not sure what’s happening is entirely healthy.” “I just wanted to make sure the thing I overheard is something that’s being addressed in your relationship and is not considered normal.”
The further away I got, the clearer it became. She had been my first serious girlfriend after a succession of boyfriends, and I was more in love than I had ever been before. But the relationship stretched and accommodated behavior I likely would have never taken from a man…
Read the rest at the Hairpin, and please share your thoughts with us. The more we talk about abuse in our community, the less stigma it has. And the more we can educate ourselves and each other about what is and what isn’t a healthy relationship, the stronger and happier we can all be.
Boundaries: A Thing You Need
Homepage image by Natalie Dee
By Anna North
Sometimes you need a little space, even from the people you love. But these people — family, partners, close friends — can be the hardest to set boundaries with, because you don’t want to push them away. Below, some tips for establishing those boundaries without being a jerk.
Figure out what you need.
The first step to good boundaries is figuring out where to draw them. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? How much alone time do you need? What level of closeness do you want with your partner, your family, your friends? Jane Adams, PhD, author of Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love, and Work, says,
The appropriate boundary in all important relationships is that ineffable place where you feel both close to and distinct from the Other. Remember that intimacy means allowing access to your interior world — your thoughts, feelings, fantasies, beliefs, etc — and risk that it (and you) may change. How intimate the relationship is and how much you trust the other person to treat that inner world respectfully — i.e., not mess with your head or hurt your feelings — determines how much of it you show them.
Boundaries will be different for every relationship and every person. If you’re not letting anyone get close to you, you might want to discuss that with a therapist. But there’s a difference between closeness and losing yourself, and defining that difference for yourself is the first step toward setting boundaries that work for you.
Talk about it.
Jo-Ellen Grzyb, co-author of The Nice Factor: The Art of Saying No, says a big mistake people often make is assuming their loved ones can read their minds. That’s (usually) not the case, and rather than requiring that the people you care about “just know” what you need, you have to tell them. And do it early — “the first time you feel it in your gut” that you need to say something, do so. If your girlfriend tries to talk to you while you’re on the phone, or you realize you absolutely need Wednesday evenings to yourself to recharge, speak up rather than stewing about it. If you delay too long, you’ll build up resentment, which isn’t fair to you or the person you care about, and will only make the conversation harder. However, there is one important caveat to this advice:
Wait til you’re not mad.
Grzyb says the time to discuss a boundary issue is soon — but not so soon that you’re actively pissed off. If you talk to your girlfriend the second she interrupts you, you’re likely to snap at her and unload feelings of annoyance that aren’t necessarily even her fault. After all, she can’t read your mind. Just wait for the next calm opportunity, and talk about solutions with a level head. And keep it simple and non-accusatory. Don’t say “you always pester me” — instead, say something like, “it’s hard for me to concentrate when I’m on the phone, could you wait til I’m done before asking me questions?”
Consider their needs too.
The thing about people you love is that you want them around. And any relationship that’s truly close involves some give and take. Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, suggests that when you talk about boundaries, especially with a romantic partner, you talk about “how you can meet your partner’s needs too.” For instance, maybe you want quiet time when you get home from work to recharge, but your partner wants to spend time with you and talk about the day. You could suggest a half-hour of quiet time after work, followed by dinner together where you get to catch up. Cain says what’s important is “establishing protocols that will suit both people.” Once you’ve done that, you no longer have to talk about it all the time — you and your partner will have routines in place that ensure you each get what you need.
State a general preference.
One good way to talk about your need for space with loved ones is to make it about you, not them. It’s not that they’re annoying, it’s that you really need that half hour to yourself every evening. Cain says that especially for introverts, “it’s helpful to have these conversations through the frame of temperament.” Some people like constant social contact, others need more alone time — discussing your boundaries in terms of which kind of person you are can make your loved ones feel less accused. It also allows you to make general statements about your preferences. For instance, Cain says her friends all know she’s not very good about returning phone calls. She’s made it clear to all of them that she doesn’t like the phone much, so when they don’t hear from her, they know it’s about her, not them. So if, for instance, you can’t manage the twice-weekly phone date that your friend would prefer, let him know that you’re just not really a phone person. And …
Offer an alternative.
Sometimes setting boundaries can just be a matter of agreeing on how to talk. Grzyb points out that if you’re someone who doesn’t like getting a lot of texts, you could ask your most text-happy loved ones to leave a voicemail instead, so you can set up a time to talk. If you hate the phone, set up a coffee date. If a friend wants to unload the details of her breakup on you, but you’re already feeling pretty exhausted, ask if you can talk to her about it in a couple of days. Figuring out an alternative way to connect is a good way to show that while you care about someone, you also need to take care of yourself. And anyone who’s truly close to you should respect that.
Boundary Issues: Using Boundary Intelligence to Get the Intimacy You Want and the Independence You Need in Life, Love, and Work [Amazon]
The Nice Factor: The Art of Saying No [Amazon]
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking [Amazon]
Image by Jim Cooke and Timurpix/Shutterstock.com
Originally published on Jezebel. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.
You Need Help: Your Girlfriend is Permanently Unemployed, Maybe
this girl is really excited about getting a job
Question:
My girlfriend hasn’t had a job for the duration of our 2 year relationship and I’m becoming resentful of the fact that I’m basically expected to pay for everything (and I mean EVERYTHING). Sometimes she becomes depressed about not having a job or money and spends a couple of weeks looking (but I don’t know how hard, or if she edits her cover letters etc.). Then the motivation dies and it’s back to the usual routine. She has some very lazy qualities. That, and my resentment, are really affecting our relationship. Help?
Answer:
When you’re faring far better financially than your girlfriend, helping her should make you feel better about yourself, not worse. Generosity and altruism can be really rewarding, given the right person-in-need.
So — and it seems like you know this — the problem here isn’t really money so much as it is that you’re concerned she’s not the right-person-in-need. I imagine if she was slaving away at a poorly-paying profession or really really hustling to get a job and was unable to, that you’d feel compassion and love for her fruitless labor which would inspire you to want to help. Perhaps it was like that in the beginning, but it isn’t anymore.
The money thing is the easiest symptom of that problem to use to enter an argument with, ’cause you can pretend like it’s not about feelings or critique of her personality and you have no choice but to care about feeling that your money isn’t well-spent, because that’s an Official Problem.
BUT I think if you’ve gone this long without talking in depth about her employment situation, then you need to start out by (at least pretending like you are) giving her the benefit of the doubt and asking her like it comes from a place of caring for her well-being — not your own self-interest or even the health of your relationship — how her job search is going, what she’s looking at applying to next, if there’s anything you can do to help. Hear her out. Jumping right in with the full weight of your disappointment in her and complaining about finances will just make her mega-defensive.
What does she do all day? Does she at least take care of the home-stuff — cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, fixing the shower, waiting for the cable guy, etc? If so, it’s possible she feels that’s a reasonable exchange of support and might be surprised to hear you see it differently. When you agree to support somebody financially, it’s tricky to use that against them later without any warning. People generally assume you are okay with something until they hear otherwise.
Being unemployed or underemployed for a long time can be really depressing and self-defeating. More than 40 percent of unemployed people have been jobless for more than six months. “A body at rest stays at rest” and the longer somebody is out of the job market, often the harder it is for them to be seen as viable job candidates, apparently.
If she’s got no hopes on the horizon, suggest she seek out some volunteer opportunities in her field as a way to keep her busy/social and make connections. (idealist.org is a good place to start) If she’s not even interested in doing that, then that’s a good sign that she’s going to sit on the couch until you remove the couch from underneath her, and that’s when you dig into the meat of the problem which is that you wish she was a more ambitious person and that you’re concerned her temporary personality actually has turned out to be her entire personality.
I think passion and ambition are really sexy qualities in a person. Give her a chance to prove herself, if she wants it — maybe she just needs to feel like you care whether or not she has a job — but if it’s more of the same then it’s probably best for both of you to move on. You shouldn’t be the only one investing in your future together, and if you are, you should be the only one earning returns on that investment, so to speak, and at some point it’s time to cut your losses. You know? I’d be curious to see what the audience thinks about this question so, take it away girls!
-Riese
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Mind The (Age) Gap: How to Do a May/December Lesbian Relationship
partners Rachel Maddow & Susan Mikula (Age Gap: 15 years) via People
Rachel Maddow and her partner, Susan Mikula, are 15 years apart. So are Ellen and Portia. My dear girlfriend and I also have an age gap of over a decade. While May-December (or even May-October) romances can present occasional challenges, they can also be awesome.
How big of an age difference is too big?
The unofficial formula is the “half your age plus seven” rule.
So if you’re 30, the rule goes, the youngest person you should date is 22 (since 30/2 = 15, and 15+7 = 22).
When you’re 44, the cutoff would be 29.
At 58, it would be 36, and so on.
And while this is a silly formula, it reveals an interesting truth: the older you get, the less age differences matter. An 18-year-old and a 32-year-old are 14 years apart, but these 14 years encompass a huge gap in experiences. Take those same 14 years, 30 years later, and you’ve got a 48-year-old and a 62-year-old. Sure, there are still some differences, but the gap has definitely shrunk.
Ex-Girlfriends Sarah Paulson & Cherry Jones (age gap: 22 years)
Age gaps tend to be more accepted in the queer community than they are in general. Maybe this is because we’re already doing something that differs from the norm, so an age difference on top of it is just icing on the deviance cake. Or maybe it has to do with the gendered tendency in age differences among heterosexual couples. Demi and Ashton notwithstanding, the “older man, younger woman” scenario is much more common than the reverse. This pattern tends to reinforce gender inequalities and stereotypes in a way that queer relationships can’t. Or maybe it has something to do with child-rearing. On average, fewer queers (especially gay men) have kids, so maybe people care less about age gaps when no little kidlets are involved.
As far as I’m concerned, barring illegality, there’s no such thing as an age difference being “too big” unless it presents problems for the couple. The bigger the differences, the more potential problems. But the key word is potential. Particular problems may or may not materialize for any given couple. Here are a few of the most common ones:
+ Differences in energy levels.
If one partner wants to climb mountains and the other can barely climb stairs, this may be an Issue. Of course, age doesn’t necessarily dictate energy levels. My mom told me recently about her 70-something friend who was complaining one day about being sore. My mom thought, “Oh, that poor thing… the aches and pains of getting old.” But then the woman continued, “I really need to avoid doing my five-mile hikes on consecutive days”(!)
+ Health problems
The older you get, the more likely you are to have health problems. This is a generality, but on average, it’s true. If you end up with someone much older than you are, chances are that your partner will face a serious health concern before you do. This worry may or may not be a deal breaker. My DGF asked me once, “Are you going to want to change my diapers in 30 years?” My answer: “If we’ve been together for 30 years, of course I’ll change your diapers.”
Wives Ellen Degeneres & Portia DeRossi (age gap: 15 years)
+ Cultural differences
Maybe you grew up on “Barney,” but she remembers “Captain Kangaroo.” Maybe you slow-danced to Color Me Badd in sixth grade, while she danced to it at her first marriage. These kinds of cultural differences can be funny, bizarre, or depressing — it all depends how you interpret them. Personally, I love that my DGF and I were raised in different decades. It gives us even more to learn from each other. Sounds trite, but it’s true.
+ Life Stages
Like differences in health, life stages are correlated with age. (But “are correlated” doesn’t mean “correspond perfectly.”) If one of you is hitting your stride in your career and the other is just starting grad school, it may take a little extra effort to appreciate where your sweetheart’s at.
Bottom line: Age is not “all in your head” — but what you make of it is. It’s a factor that may or may not have important implications. Like differences of religion, social class, or cultural background, it’s worth taking seriously to help you understand and strengthen your relationship.
Girlfriends Eileen Myles & Leopoldine Core
Six Relationship Tips for Couples with Age Differences:
1. Hang out with other couples that are both your ages. If one of you is 31 and the other is 49, make sure to spend time with couples in their early thirties and in their mid-to-late forties. This way, neither of you will feel habitually left out because of age, and you might also gain some additional perspective about your partner by seeing where her peers are at, what interests them, etc. (You might also try hanging out with people whose ages or lifestyles are very different from both of yours — it will underscore how much you have in common!)
2. Don’t cast your own age as superior. If you’re the older partner, a “been there, done that” attitude toward your partner’s experiences is not useful. Maybe you have extra insight, but that doesn’t mean you know everything there is to know about your partner’s situation. Similarly, if you’re the younger partner, don’t assume you’re inherently cooler or more savvy. Treat each other as equals. Your own experience is not better or more valid simply because it happened more recently (or longer ago). And relatedly:
Wives Chely Wright & Lauren Blitzer (age gap: 10 years)
3. Embrace your different experiences. Talk about each others’ childhoods, music preferences, school experiences, etc. You have a lot to learn from each other. Be open to each others’ cultural preferences. Maybe this means you take turns deciding what movie to watch or what music to listen to. Try to understand and appreciate your partner’s aesthetic sensibilities, even if you don’t always share them.
4. Talk about your goals. This is good advice for all couples, but it’s especially important for May-December (or even July-October) pairs. Do you want to have kids? Buy a house? Retire? Travel? Make sure your partner knows what’s important to you, and where you see yourself in one year, or five, or ten. Just because someone is 39 doesn’t mean her biological clock is ticking, and just because someone is 22 doesn’t mean she wants to go clubbing. Make sure your ideas about your partner’s goals and desires don’t rest on assumptions.
5. Listen to everyone else, then ignore them. Your daughter may be uncomfortable that you’re dating someone her age. Your friends may not see why you’d be with a woman who hasn’t gone dancing since Tribe 8 was hot. They may openly question your motives, or your partner’s motives, or your sanity. Listen to their concerns, answer their questions, and completely disregard their judgments. Only you know what makes you happy.
6. Don’t hide your partner away. To avoid people’s judgments and criticism, it may be tempting not to socialize with your partner as much as you might if you were the same age. Early in the relationship, fine: you want to make sure it’s working for you. But once you see that it is, don’t hesitate to show your partner around town and introduce her to your friends and family. If she makes you happy, the people who really care about you will eventually recognize this, and will get to know your partner for who she is.
Your turn, readers: have you ever been in a relationship with an age difference? Did the age gap bring any special perks or challenges? What do you think about big age differences in relationships?
Originally published on Butch Wonders. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.
About the author: BW is a lesbian in her early 30s who reads a lot, writes a lot, and eats more cheese than is prudent. Her other non-day-job hobbies include hiking, doing art, hanging out with her dog, and watching “Breaking Bad” with her girlfriend. BW used to be married to a biodude, and writes about that and other things on her blog, Butch Wonders, which you should totally check out.
You Need Help: Your Girlfriend Is Jealous Of Hypothetical Boys
Welcome to You Need Help! Where you seek advice and we try our very best to give it.
This has traditionally been done by way of individual Formspring accounts, Autostraddle’s Tumblr and a Formspring Friday column, which has all been very fun and insightful. But, because Formspring has a character limit and we’re wildly optimistic w/r/t our time-management skills, we thought we’d go one further and let you use our ASS private messaging to share advice-related feelings, too.
For more info on sending in questions, see the bottom of this post. Let’s get down to bossing people around on the internet! Today we help you deal with a jealous girlfriend.
Q: My girlfriend is the only girl i’ve ever been with, but she seems to be concerned I’m going to leave her for a guy and that she’s not enough for me. I’ve told her so many times that she’s the only one I want. How do I convince her I don’t miss the penis?
THIS IS A MOVIE AND NOT REAL LIFE
A: Okay, so this situation sucks. It sucks for everyone. It sucks for her because she feels nervous and insecure and jealous and that’s no fun, and it really sucks for you because you feel defensive and confused and hurt because you’re being punished pre-emptively for something you haven’t done. It’s hard to be in a relationship where you feel like you can’t trust the other person’s love. It’s also really hard to have the person you love tell you, essentially, that “I think you’re totally capable of doing something deeply hurtful to me, and you just haven’t had the opportunity yet.” Because that’s what it feels like, isn’t it?
I mean, the context isn’t that uncommon. Okay, so you’ve dated men, okay, so that worries her. She’s not the first, she won’t be the last. But here’s the thing: while I don’t know your whole deal, and I guess it’s possible you met in queerio blindfolded no-questions-asked speed dating where you were only allowed to communicate via interpretive dance, but I’m guessing she knew that you’ve dated men before you two were in a relationship. Basically, she knew what she was getting into. That doesn’t mean that she’s not allowed to have insecurities; we all do. It doesn’t even mean that there isn’t a healthy way to talk about those feelings.
But bottom line, it’s unfair to enter into a committed relationship of any level of seriousness with someone if you don’t plan on trusting their commitment to it. The situation isn’t feasible in the long run; something has to give, you know?
Are her issues coming from your actual relationship or somebody else’s? Chances are good this has less to do with you than it does with something her ex did, or her ex’s ex, or even something she did once. You’re not her ex and you shouldn’t be blamed for things she did, and on the one hand you can’t ever really “convince” her of anything in that case, but just keep on being you. Sometimes people bring baggage into relationships that take a little extra time to deal with, and if this is her own personal baggage from some other relationship, then talk about that. But if her jealousy isn’t actually about you, then nothing you do is going to make it go away. I do not, personally, ascribe to the belief that the love of a good woman cures all things. (See: Jal and Chris.)
So if it’s not about your relationship or somebody else’s, then it’s about her — about her worry that “she’s not enough for you.” Find out where that’s coming from, and deal with that on its own terms. She’ll eventually have to do her own legwork to work through that issue, but open the door.
There’s a degree to which your situation is specific to bisexual/non-gold star women dating other women, in that you’re being made to shoulder the huge, evil weight that we assign to the Imaginary Awful Slutty Cheating Bisexual Girl Who Is Probably Straight Anyways. But also — and she should know this — your situation is the same one that a lot of couples, straight or gay or whatever, have to deal with. Why we have trouble trusting each other sometimes. Yes, relationships usually end, and sometimes people hurt each other, and sometimes they even leave relationships to enter into other relationships with other people. But we can’t let that stop us from loving or trusting other people, at least not if we want to be happy. It’s not unfair to want your partner in a monogamous relationship to be faithful, and to love you as much as you love them, but it is unfair to refuse to have faith in them.
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You Need Help: When Your Girlfriend is Abusive
Welcome to You Need Help! Where you seek advice and we try our very best to give it.
This has traditionally been done by way of individual Formspring accounts, Autostraddle’s Tumblr and a Formspring Friday column, which has all been very fun and insightful. But, because Formspring has a character limit and we’re wildly optimistic w/r/t our time-management skills, we thought we’d go one further and let you use our ASS private messaging to share advice-related feelings, too.
For more info on sending in questions, see the bottom of this post. Let’s get down to bossing people around on the internet! Today we help you deal with an abusive relationship.
This was a tough question to answer, and I’m sure I didn’t say all the right things or half of the things that needed to be said. I encourage any of you with words of wisdom to share them in the comments. (-riese)
***
“Women run away because they must. I ran because if I had not, I would’ve died. No one told me that you take your world with you, that running becomes a habit, that the secret to running is to know why you run and where you are going — and to leave behind the reason you run.”
– Dorothy Allison
Question:
My girlfriend has been repeatedly abusing me: emotionally, verbally, and physically. We’ve been dating for a year and a half. I’m scared and I’m scarred and more than once I’ve tried killing myself. I don’t know how to recover from this. I suggested that we both go to counseling but she refuses. I really need help, here. Things have gotten really bad. Once incident already landed me in the hospital and police reports were filed (but I didn’t file charges against her). I love her, I really do… but one of these days, I really just might end up dead.
Answer:
It’s suffocating, isn’t it? The fighting and self-destruction? Sometimes I’d be sitting on the subway, listening to Ave Maria in my ghosty mosque of pain, and I’d look at the other passengers and think, they’re probably thinking about real life. Like about dinner, overdraft fees, what they’ll watch on Netflix, phone calls they need to return. They’re having lives, actual lives! Not me, though. I’d already been evacuated from the captain’s seat of my life by a pirate disguised as my girlfriend. She could steer and I’d just hang out on the back deck, scared and crying in the unbearable sunshine. I felt like a dead person stuck inside the shell of a living person; slack and bruised. And to think it all began with me falling in love.
I tried to remember what it was like when my phone ringing or a text message didn’t make my stomach lurch and my body tense with fear, when that noise just meant I owed Visa some money or a friend wanted to have lunch. What it was like to be alive. To want to be alive. I don’t know if you still remember this — but life, even when it sucks, doesn’t kill you like this girl is killing you.
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I am so sorry that you’re going through this. You deserve to be with someone who tells you every day how beautiful and special and smart and unique and worth it you are every day. Not someone who berates you and hits you.
You’re right that you both need counseling, but not together, and not because this relationship needs fixing, but because ending it is going to be hard and you have to end it. Until then life will be a thing that’s happening TO you, not something you’re actively a part of. I’d recommend starting the hunt for a therapist/counselor for you immediately. Leaving might feel like resisting a magnetic force. But a girlfriend is supposed to help you through tough times, not cause them.
There’s a misconception that women don’t hit other women and that is bullshit. Sometimes it’s extra-hard because you might worry that anyone already judging your sexuality will be like SEE?!!! Well, that’s also bullshit. This situation isn’t about politics, this is about getting your life back.
I don’t know the specifics of your situation, where you live, how old you are or the 100 things you surely love about her, or how she apologizes or about how it gets harder and harder to leave because well, you’ve toughed it out this long and it didn’t make sense to quit when you’re behind. But none of that matters. Physical abuse is inexcusable. Sending you to the hospital is inexcusable. Emotional abuse is also inexcusable, and those scars can last a long time. They can impact the rest of your life and all your future relationships. So you want to minimize the scarring, you know?
I was afraid of what would happen when I tried to leave my situation, and honestly my absolute worst fears of what might happen were met, and then some. I recently saw this happen to another close friend trying to leave an unhealthy situation — where the fallout was uglier than the nightmares she’d prepared for. Not that your experience is just like hers or mine, yours is yours and yours alone, but still I need you to trust me when I tell you that you should not handle this alone. I don’t know what would have happened to me if my screaming hadn’t finally woken up my roommate.
* What’s your support system like right now? Do your parents/friends/siblings know how she treats you? You need to tap into that now. You need to be honest with as many of them as you can, because you’ll need them!
* Although in most circumstances this is considered tacky, in this situation I’d suggest having another human literally with you in the room when you break up with her. It’ll both temper her comfort level with acting crazy and it will protect you physically. Ideally someone strong.
* Call your cell phone company and block her from calling you, or change your number.
* I’d really recommend you completely shut out any of her attempts at communication post-breakup. If for some reason that doesn’t happen and she reaches out to threaten to hurt herself or you, get in touch with whichever friend/family member of hers you’re closest to and put them on her case. If you can’t do that, call the police or the hospital.
* If pressing charges is a possibility, then be sure to keep records/save voicemails/emails. You’ll need them.
* Surround yourself with other people as much as possible until you feel safe, to protect and distract you. If at all possible, this’d be a good time to get out of town with friends/family. Maybe a place where your phone doesn’t work.
* Check out this website for resources on dealing with domestic abuse: The Hotline and please please please read these checklists on how to leave.
You’ll come out of this independent, self-aware, and free. You will one day feel light, like your lungs are filled with birds and you’re steering your own ship. You deserve to always feel that way, even when you’re in a relationship.
You have love and you have support and I think that probably there will be a lot of people reading who have been through what you’re going through and can give you more advice.
“Two or three things I know, two or three things I know for sure, and one of them is that if we are not beautiful to each other, we cannot know beauty in any form.”
– Dorothy Allison
Love,
Riese
To send your question via ASS personal messaging, choose an editor: Riese | Laneia | Rachel
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Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.
In the Pool With Cougar, Scaring the Straight People, Getting The Homophobia
My new girlfriend Cougar found this really cute hotel in Atlantic City that is total gay bait. The Chelsea. I mean, it’s lit with purple lights, like a gay batman signal. It’s exceptionally well-decorated with a 1950s/60s era theme. Our room was gorgeous, with a fuzzy leopard print chair, a corner ocean view, and not one but two vanities (perfect for the Fag/Femme romance).
There are two pools in the hotel. The rooftop pool is very swank, with each set of reclining chairs two-by-two separated by planters for a bit of privacy. There are also private cabanas, a disco ball dangling above the pool and a poolside bar. I mention the set-up of the place as an adult area as it is relevant to the following story.
Cougar and I got into the pool and went to the deep end because there were a couple of children swimming in the shallow end and I didn’t want to get splashed. We floated around for awhile treading water and chatting and then settled next to the wall on the side of the deep end, Cougar with her back to the wall and me with my arms around her neck floating about a foot away from her (imagine a Junior High slow dance). We were talking and punctuating sentences with smooches the way you do when you are being affectionate.
The kids had started bringing their splashing to our end of the pool, getting out and jumping back in, creating a lot of waves. Three teenagers had also gotten into the pool, a visibly heterosexual couple was also showing affection.
All of a sudden this woman comes over to me and Cougar and leans down to us and says “Excuse me would you stop gyrating and making out? My children are in this pool. This is a hotel. You should get a room and go up there.” She had a couple more snide remarks that I can’t recall. Her tone (and content) were extremely condescending.
I was flabbergasted. I had no idea what to say to her or whether her comments had merit. Of course any romantic mood fostered by the adult playground of Atlantic City or the adult setting of the poolside bar was completely ruined by what she had said. I said to Cougar “Were we doing something wrong? Don’t talk to her, I don’t want this to get bigger.”
Photo by Nogga Schwartz for Rebel Cupcake
Cougar went to the restroom and I continued to float in the pool, stunned. I typically react to hostility by letting people stew in their own juices and not giving them the benefit of a response. Usually people who are mean or aggressive are also insecure–they will imagine the worst possible response and their imagination is likely the worst thing they could do. When I realized she hadn’t said anything to the heterosexual teenage couple I became livid and wished I had something clever to say in the moment.
Cougar went over to her and talked to her. I couldn’t hear what Cougar was saying (but I could totally hear the woman as her response became shrill) and decided to get out of the pool and just leave the area. I was so upset.
Later, Cougar recounted what she said to the woman, which was (in a calm voice) “If you would like to talk about this like an adult I am in room 1814. We were nowhere near your children and not doing anything inappropriate. You have no right to speak to us like children. If you had a real problem you could have addressed it with hotel management.”
The woman got defensive. She asked Cougar if she had any children, to which Cougar said “That’s none of your business,” and then she tried to backpedal and say that her child came up to her and said she felt uncomfortable. Cougar repeated again, “If you want to speak to me like an adult, I’m in room 1814,” and walked away.
At the time I was really upset by the incident and didn’t express this to Cougar at the time, but the more space I get to think about this I am really proud of Cougar for standing up for herself/us with that woman. Especially knowing the woman didn’t bring her affection policing didn’t to those teenagers.
Adults should get to be affectionate in public. Gay adults should get to be just as affectionate as straight adults. I don’t feel we were being at all lewd or inappropriate. We were far more like playful otters in that pool and not at all like the people on Jersey Shore.
Otters showing affection
Atlantic City is a city for gambling and drinking. The hotel we were staying at isn’t exactly kid-friendly, if it had been a child promoting environment I would never have wanted to go there for a getaway like that.
I kept running through whether the Chelsea hotel is gay-friendly or not. Perhaps other than the decor, it isn’t. I mean, if it had been overtly gay-friendly, in that way where establishments have gay rainbow stickers on their doors or overt diversity policies, would that have stopped that woman from trying to police our queer affection? Caesar’s Atlantic City advertises an explicitly gay-friendly environment. Do people run into this at Caesar’s? Would she have policed us if there had been other queer couples there as well?
And I also wonder if she even knew we were queer or how she was perceiving us? I fly under the radar a lot, despite being 100% out of the closet, because my gender is flamboyant but on the normative spectrum for a lady. I’m also a lot more visibly tattooed in a bathing suit than I was a year ago. And maybe it was fatphobia?
Cougar doesn’t fly under the radar. She had a double radical mastectomy* which just made her already dapper gay good looks even more androgynous and people throw her shade in the ladies room a lot. She’s also super swishy in that way that I’m sure some well-meaning stranger will tell me “Honey, do you know your boyfriend is gay?”
Regardless, that woman was entirely out of line. If she had a problem with people smooching, she should have taken her kids to someplace expressly for kids.
I was upset about the incident most of the evening. I kept looking around suspecting everyone of being homophobes and searching for my people. My people who were sadly absent from Atlantic City. It was depressing.
I walk the world typically thinking the best of people and try to remember people are doing the best they can with what they have at any given time. And I also understand that this kind of stuff happens all the time, it’s really difficult to live life and prevent it from happening and I would rob myself of a lot of experiences if I kept my life exclusive to a fat queer bubble. And that’s certainly not what I want.
However, I know my gay dollars are important and I do prefer to patronize places that are explicitly queer-friendly. So there’s a balance.
It’s so interesting that everyone I’ve told this story to has had a different idea about what they would have done if they were me in that situation. I had a straight friend who said she would have just taken her top off. Someone else would have suggested she take her children and leave us to our gyrating. Another person suggested a John Waters quote, which I had thought of in the elevator going back up to our room and wished I’d had at the ready.
Sometimes my life looks like a John Waters movie
I’m content with how things worked out, night of being upset aside. When I was able to dissociate from the incident for later processing, I had a wonderful getaway with my wonderful girlfriend. We looked at the ocean, I won $30 on a slot machine called “Kitty Glitter” and we had really good stuffed french toast for breakfast.
COMPLETELY UNRELATED:
I wrote an article on Autostraddle.com about the value of getting a prenup. I feel that a strong prenup makes for a strong marriage ready to stand the test of time. It’s also got the best title of any legal article I’ve ever written.
If You Ain’t No Punk Holla Gays Need Prenups GAYS NEED PRENUPS
Check it out!
*Cougar is working on this amazing book project called Champion: My Photo Journey with Breast Cancer.
Originally published on Queerfatfemme.com. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.
The Ethics of Lust: On Interracial Relationships and Anti-Miscegenation Laws
Last week’s inaugural Ethics of Lust piece inspired some intellectual and encouraging comments from you all, and I am just tickled pink triangles that you are so eager to engage in these conversations about the laws and sexuality with me. I just want to give everyone a big electronic, consensual, non-sexual hug. *group hug!*
Today’s subject matter – as most future posts will be – was inspired by comments made on last week’s post. Turns out, many of you were upset to see that a black man having sex with a white woman was on the Cambria List of potentially obscene pornographic subject matters. You were probably upset because, well, racism is actually very upsetting and has led to multiple horrific laws enacted to enable its existence.
Today, we’re focusing our discussion on one particular type of racist laws: anti-miscegenation laws, or laws outlawing the mixing of different racial groups in marriage, cohabitation or sexual relations.
I should state right off the bat that I’m in an interracial relationship, so I’m quite biased when it comes to this subject. In the same way that being a big ol’ gaybo apparently makes me unfit to objectively talk about gay rights, being an exogamist – or someone who “mates” outside of their race – must make me unfit to objectively talk about how messed up anti-miscegenation laws are. So to hell with objectivity, I’ll be just subjective.
It probably shouldn’t, considering how often other civil rights are taken away by voting and legislation, but it shocked me to find out that 46% of Mississippi Republicans would vote to ban interracial marriage if given the chance. While I was unable to find out how much of the overall population that is, I know that it’s a scary amount of bigotry. Luckily, thanks to the Supreme Court ruling in Loving v. Virginia, they won’t get the chance to vote on that particular subject.
via Stus
However, despite the 1967 outlawing of all race-based marriage restrictions, in 2009 this asshole judge:
via CBS
refused to marry this adorable couple:
via CNN
solely because they were of different races. He justified his racism by stating that he was doing it to protect the children, because children of mixed races have too hard of a life (for proof, see Barack Obama, Devon Aoki, and all children of Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs). He went on to state that he wasn’t racist because he had a black friend once. Ok, he didn’t really say that, but that’s pretty much the same things as saying he marries black couples occasionally, which is what he really said.
via BigQueer
Gay marriage activists are rightfully finding connections and similarities between the anti-anti-interracial marriage movement and the gay marriage movement, but their mistake is often referring to anti-interracial oppression as a thing of the past that we’ve already overcome. Despite the fact that interracial marriages are at an all-time high in the United States and support for interracial marriage is high (at least among 18-25 year olds), interracial couples of all cultures and creeds still face major discrimination and obstacles.
For some quick examples: Bob Jones University in South Carolina waited until 2000 to remove it’s ban against interracial relationships; in 2005, a group of men spread toxic mercury around an interracial couple’s house in Cleveland to encourage them to leave the neighborhood; and in 2008, four marines killed their superior officer because he was involved in an interracial relationship.
via zazzle
So why is it that interracial marriage pisses people off so badly? I remember when I was young my mom told me that kids of interracial parents have it rough and pointed to my good friend as an example. I then poignantly pointed out that his dad was an abusive alcoholic and blaming his rough childhood on his mixed race was, well, racist. She stormed away offended at being called a racist.
Is this adversity to mixed race children solely a racist concept? Is there actually proof that mixed race children have more issues than those whose parents come from the same race and culture?
via amazon
Every study I found on the subject was wrought with so much racism and stereotypes that it was impossible to weed out any valid scientific data supporting this. I did, however, find some compelling arguments suggesting children of mixed race parents are healthier and more attractive than their same race counterparts and that genetic diversity actually helps weed out disease.
If not for the kids, then why? I hate to just rely on the obvious argument of racism, but I’m afraid that’s all anti-miscegenation laws come down to. So sorry, folks, but I think all we’ve really learned today is that racism still exists, despite multiple laws condemning it.
Maybe the gay marriage movement can learn a bit from the anti-anti-interracial marriage movement and focus less on the government given right to marry and more on the discrimination surrounding laws limiting marriage. Because, as Loving v. Virginia shows, marriage does not equal acceptance.
via Autostraddle's awesome article on Kirk and Uhura
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: L.M. Fleming is a writer, sexpert, recent law school graduate and occasional burlesque dancer. Although she currently resides in Portland, Oregon, she often travels the world in search of colorful queers and frothy beers. When not volunteering, cooking or attempting to be crafty, she does logistical consulting for creative projects, manages a nonprofit dedicated to making promotional documentary films for other nonprofits and runs SinfulMisadventures.com, a site dedicated to the Seven Deadly Sins.
Open Thread: The Perils of Being a First Girlfriend
Hello and welcome to another feelings-rich Formspring Friday-type thing! On Tuesday!
Q:
I’m the first girl my girlfriend has been with. We’ve been together for a year and a half. Last night she said sometimes she is worried about never having been with another girl and constantly has ‘what if’ questions. Am I right to be as scared as I am?
A:
Seems that way, yes. I mean, are you still with your first girlfriend..? Yeah, so there’s a chance this won’t last forever, but let’s be realistic – are you having fun with her now? Do you love every minute and look forward to the next one? Are you happy? Because if you’re shaking your head YES to these questions, I think you should put all your fears aside and let ‘being happy in this moment’ be the feeling you put a spotlight on.
Alternatively, you could approach her with the idea of a semi-open relationship, in which she could have physical relationships with other girls while still maintaining her emotional and physical relationship with you. I’ve seen this work fairly well for more than one couple. I guess it’s worth noting that none of those couples are still together, but things didn’t end because of any problems with their semi-open arrangement – sometimes relationships just don’t work out.
Which is kind of the point, actually. Your relationship has the potential to end due to any number of issues, both known and unknown, and that’s just the chance you take when you smash your heart together with someone else’s. It’s the chance we all take! Fun, right?
Share your advice / stories / feelings for this lady-lovin’ question-asker in the comments!
Have a question? Ask Laneia something small or large. Or, you know, Riese, Rachel, Alex, Crystal, Jess or Taylor! But not Tinkerbell because she forgot her password.
Unofficially Official: There’s More Than One Way to Have a Lesbian Relationship
best iendsiends or EROTIC LOVERS??!!
Between facebook, twitter, and tattoos, a relationship is either public or it doesn’t exist. Sex is either meaningless or committed. Everything that happens has to be going somewhere. Is it really human nature to label and box all these relationships, or is society fucking up my game with its oppressive binary relationship statuses?
Perhaps you have, in the recent past, had an intense, intimate, friendly, semi-cordial relationship with another cute/hot/pretty/(insert aesthetic adjective here) person and are now wondering what it could possibly mean.
Hopefully it means that your life is about to get a lot more exciting, filled with lots of adorable chemical reactions that hopefully don’t leave you with any complicated by products. There’s no need to worry; hang out with this new girl, go to a concert, make breakfast, cuddle. You don’t have to give in to external pressures of labeling yourselves. You can enjoy yourselves without being monogamous.
On an even more casual note, you know that girl in your English class that you make eye contact with a few times every class? That is a real interaction. Eye contact is just as palpable as physical chemistry. Neither of these interactions may be on facebook or monogamous (you probably make eye contact with more than just one person ever), but that nevertheless does not suggest that they are any less real than your roommate and your boyfriend who have been together for six months. I mean, if the only ‘real’ interactions we had with people were serious relationships and we were otherwise alone, we would probably all be friendless, emotionally distraught hermits.
What are you, really? Lines can be a lot fuzzier than they are for straight people. These are confusing times, and thus I have compiled some possible relationship (or friendship) types for all of you autostraddling lovers and friendlers.
BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN
Friendship: Filled with platonic cuddling, honesty, and wonderful adventures. Friends are supportive, not judgmental, and are the best advice givers. Friendships can remain unchanged across long distances and time. I can go weeks without talking to my best friends from home, but when I do, it is as though we saw each other yesterday, picking up exactly where we left off. These friendships will last a life time, that is unless you fall in love with them because, well, then it just gets complicated. (see autostraddle dot com’s April Fools Day article on love confessions to best friends and on crushes)
Ambiguous friendship with a straight girl: SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT SHE’S MISSING. No, but seriously, I mean, I was straight before I met my first girlfriend.
Classroom crush: You’re sitting in the back row; she’s sitting in the row to your right, just a few seats forward. Her hair absorbs the sunlight from the window above her. She turns to make eye contact with you–oh wait, what was I saying? Right. Well, hopefully she’s queer and doesn’t have a 6’7″ tall boyfriend.
Friends with benefits: A relationship that qualifies as a friendship, along with some late night lovin’. FWB often develop after drinking a lot of tequila. Besides, who doesn’t love hooking up without consequences?
Open relationship: Through my own experience and friends’ experiences here’s what I have learned: open relationships are much like monogamous relationships in that both people deeply care for each other, maybe even love (scary, right?). However, this does not imply the demise of sexual attraction to other people. Thus, both interested parties are granted the freedom to pursue alternative, noncommittal, non-significant intimate relationships with other people. There are certain conditions to the open relationship, which based on the people involved, can allow it either to survive, or falter. The rules are simple (or so they seem).
Type I open relationship: The type I open relationship denotes that if/when one member gets down and dirty with someone else, they come clean about it. If you promise to be open (pun intended) with each other, then there is no need to worry when your lover says when she is “up studying late.” Honesty is the best policy. Or just leave the worrying to after your lover tells you that she slept with your roommate. Jk.
Type II open relationship: Both people agree that they are allowed to hook up with other people; however, neither wants to hear about it. Nevertheless, you should probably avoid seeing any of your partner’s friends naked. People talk. After all ignorance is bliss right? Right?
Polyamory: Having both intimate, emotional, open, and consensual interactions with multiple people. Polyamory includes the idea that, jealousy does not have to exist. (for a more in-depth discussion, check out autostraddle dot com’s ‘Polyamory 101’). Jealousy is hard to deal with. As much as I would like to pretend that I’ve never experienced it or never will it can be a pernicious destroyer of both relationships and friendships. But that is only if you let it.
Monogamous relationships: I don’t think I can go here until I’m older/mature/experienced/mentally stable.
Long distance: It better be fucking worth it.
Here I made you a chart, this should help:
right click to enlarge
No matter the type of relationship or friendship you find yourself in (or not in), communication is key. As long as you’re both on equal, honest terms, you’re better than 99.9999999% percent of others’ relationships. This list is by no means comprehensive; please leave comments about the unique relationships that you’ve encountered!
Look at Those F*cking Queers All In Love and Junk
OUT Magazine has decided that you need a little extra hope and happiness in your life, so they’ve served some up to you via photos and stories from twenty-three homodorable families, small and large, that will just make your heart melt and your soul sing. Do you feel uplifted yet? Here are excerpts from a few of our favorites but you should really go through the entire slideshow and read everybody’s WHOLE ENTIRE LOVE STORY. Everyone’s just so cute and special! Makes me feel cute and special, you know?
Catherine Opie (Artist), Julie Burleigh (Garden Designer/Artist), Oliver (9 year old), Rodney Hill (Art Director) & Taka Nonaka (Art Director)
Catherine Opie’s got herself a clan of five — her wife Julie, her son Oliver, Oliver’s donor father Rodney (“Most gay guys don’t go hoping to bear children with women, but when she asked, I knew I was going to say yes”) and Rodney’s boyfriend Taka.
Catherine Opie: “I’m not one of those people who ever crushed out on straight girls before—I’ve always been pretty butch-on-butch in my relationships—but Julie had this really great tomboyish attitude. We’d been friends for about a year, and one day as we were driving back from one of my openings, I said, “Julie Burleigh, you’re the kind of girl I would want to marry.” And she said, “Cathy Opie, I take that kind of proposal very seriously.” And we fell in love.”
Oliver, Age 9: “I’m not sure what other families are like, because I’m not a part of my friends’ families, so I don’t really know, But ours isn’t strange — it’s great. It’s just that having two dads and two moms evens it out a lot. And I have a lot of people caring about me. Do my friends think it’s odd? I’m pretty sure one of my friends doesn’t think it’s odd, ’cause their parents are gay too.”
Sean Dorsey (Choreographer, Dancer) & Shawna Virago (Musician, Filmmaker)
Sean: “The connection was really deep early on because we both shared a lot of things spiritually, politically, artistically, intellectually — and our humor. They were all there, so it was really playful and sexy, but it was also really smart and engaging and challenging to find a fellow trans and queer activist who is an artist first.”
Shawna: “When you find love, really true love, it’s a human victory. It’s complicated for queers because we’re attacked so much, not only around marriage, but also for just wanting relationships of any kind. I think in our case, since we didn’t move in together for five years, and we tried to be really conscious about our relationship, getting married felt like a clean move. There really wasn’t any fantasy involved. I’m just old-fashioned in a way, and I wanted to celebrate the love we have.”
Jessica Rankin (Artist) & Julie Mehretu (Artist)
Jessica: “We met in 2000, in a bar -the old-fashioned way! We met and had a wonderful summer together, and we were both insistent it wasn’t serious, that we didn’t want to rush into things, but it was really evident to those around us that what we had was something special.”
When Edie Met Thea
Edie is the subject of Edie & Thea A Very Long Engagement and last November Edie filed a lawsuit challenging DOMA’s constitutionality. Though Thea passed away, Edie had lots of super-cute memories of their 44-year relationship.
“ I came to New York to be a lesbian when I divorced. Near Downing Street there was a bar called the Laurels. I went maybe twice a week, and I got to know people, and I never paid for a drink myself. I always ended up with more money on the table than I started with. I would get little notes from girls the next day saying, “Forget the others,” but I felt most strongly that with a woman you don’t touch her until you can’t bear not to.”
“I was wild for her. I don’t know how to describe it. It was everything. It was just more so. We were profoundly in love and stayed that way. For her, it was all sexual. Many, many years later, I said to her, “When did you really start to deeply love me?” And she said, “Mrs. Fordham’s house,” which is the house we rented for the summer in the Hamptons. We had very different passions, but we both had enormous love for each other’s passions. She played the violin. She played golf. And she did them both obsessively. With golf I had to make certain rules, because if she came home talking her head off about every shot, I would say, “The idea is for you to go and enjoy it and discuss it completely and then come home.”
Tasha Tilberg (Model) & Laura Wilson (Talent Agent)
Laura: “I was the one who proposed, about eight months later. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but in January 2008, she had an accident where she severed a nerve in her hand, and I had to take her to the ER. I wasn’t allowed to go with her into the exam room because I wasn’t considered immediate family, and something just came over me, and I thought, I need to marry her. I don’t ever want to be separated from her again.”
12 Rules of Lesbian Fight Club: How to Properly Argue with Your Girlfriend
by riese and laneia
The first rule of Lesbian Fight Club is DON’T BE A B*TCH. The second rule of fight club? DON’T BE A F*CKING B*TCH. The third rule of fight club? If you can read, you’re a big girl, and it’s time to fight like one.
You know when you’re arguing with your girlfriend and she’s like, “That’s against the rules!” and you’re like, “Oh where’d you get this from, Papi’s Rules of Poker or Emily Post’s Rules of Etiquette or your last relationship, huh?”
Well, no fear, fighting werewolf lesbians of the world, we have assembled THE RULES.
How to Fight Proper: Autostraddle’s Rules of Argument Etiquette
1. You Are Not a Martyr For Love
Don’t say,”Oh waaah it’s all my fault. I don’t know why you’re still with me.” This doesn’t further the conversation or help you learn anything about yourself or them. It is the most pointless thing you will ever say.
“I’m just a stupid cat on a ledge! You should find someone better, I guess. You should just leave me here! I’m pointless! Look at me – I’m not even upright!”
How do you expect someone to reply to this inane statement? “No, babybabybaby that’s not what I meant! You’re not terrible! I love you and your shinyshiny hair!” ?? or “Well, now that we’ve both agreed you’re an asshole and I shouldn’t be dating you, I guess your inability to call when you say you will is a moot point.”
Dumb.
Other words and phrases that don’t enable constructive problem-solving:
+ always
+ never
+ every time
2. There’s No Baseball in Crying
No throwing bicycle helmets, dishes, books, laptops or lamps. No kicking or punching walls. It’s super dramatic, cliche, and besides, physical force is ALWAYS off limits. Save your brute strength for assembling that Ikea dresser or playing softball. If you’re that mad, take a fucking walk. Seriously, get the hell away from her.
Especially refrain from destroying your cell phone, because then you just look like a huge douche and we can’t even call you to tell you what a douche you are.
3. And Your Friends They Sing Along And They Love You
Do not use your friends as backup. “My BFF Becky, who only ever hears my side of the story, made a really good point about how you’re an asshole and always treat me so badly and that I deserve better.” Your friends, as well as your therapist and maybe also your mother, will almost always take your side. It’s why you’re friends. As such, their opinion is pointless. Her friends probably think you’re wrong. Who cares? This is between you and her and no one else.
“Everyone who thinks my girlfriend is a total bitch when she makes fun of my cargo pants, raise your hand. Stacy! We’re not friends anymore.”
4. Get a Room
Do not fight in front of other people. Just thinking about this makes me feel awkward and slightly angry. The world does not revolve around how upset you are at any given moment. Much like watching Steel Magnolias or dancing to LFO, arguments are special, private things and should be treated as such. No one deserves to witness your personal matters — not The Real L Word camera crew, not your roommate, nobody. The presence of others taints the purity of your discourse. Save it for la casa.
“Jesus Christ on a cracker, I cannot believe they are doing this in front of me. I just wanted to watch Twilight and maybe eat some pad thai. WTF.”
5. Are You Ten Years Ago?
Keep the irrelevant past in the past. The fact that she used to fuck boys or had a nose job is completely extraneous. Stay on the specific topic that you’re discussing in this moment. If these past events bother you so much, why are you here? Yeah, zip it.
6. You Listened In, You’re Guilty of This, She Should Know This
No anonymous tipsters or resources. If you snooped and saw something you shouldn’t have or heard some weird gossip from last week, fess up. People deserve to know what you know, or what you think you know, you know? And if you read her email, you probs deserve a serious smackdown yourself. (Unless what you discovered is that she had betrayed you in an actual way — like texting a girl human doesn’t count as “an actual way” — in which case you’ve got bigger problems, my friend.)
“Oh THIS text from her ex-girlfriend is very interesting. Very interesting, Gertrude. I’m going to write this one down as soon as I finish photoboothing her call log.”
7. Let’s Not Talk About Money Honey
If you volunteered to pay for things, insisted on being the primary breadwinner while your ladyfriend finished college or made purchases for your partner on your own volition, they’re off-limits as examples of how one-sided, etc., this relationship is.
8. Don’t Speak, You REALLY DON’T Know Just What She’s Thinking
STOP interrupting! You should be listening with your ears, not formulating rebuttals with your brain. I know you have fifty really good points to make, but at least try to respond to what she is actually saying when SHE’S DONE SAYING IT. You may be able to talk louder or talk longer, but that doesn’t make you a winner.
And! And! If you’re on the interruptee side of this and do convince your lady-love to STFU long enough for you to speak, please do! Nothing darkens your future of seamless speech like crossing your arms and saying, “Well, now it doesn’t matter anymore” and letting the fight languish into silence.
Special Tip From Laneia: Think it’s weird to take notes during an argument? Think again! There’s a reason Moleskins were invented and that’s so you can WRITE SHIT DOWN IN THEM, then reference that thought later. Try it.
9. Think Before You Drink (and Argue.)
If you drink before a fight, you might say some things you wouldn’t have said sober. That’s fine, sometimes you say honest things, but there’s no take-backs the next day. Drinking may be a reason, but it’s not an excuse.
While we’re discussing substance abuse – DO NOT TAKE ADDERALL OR ANY AMPHETAMINES BEFORE OR DURING AN ARGUMENT. Seriously, even if it’s prescribed. Why? While 100% tunnel-visioned focus may assist you in writing a term paper, you don’t want that kind of attention paid to your girl-on-girl argument. Perspective is important, and you won’t get it if your brain is telling you that this fight and this girl is the only thing in the whole world that exists. Especially, my dear drug-abusing bunnies, if you’re also drunk.
10. I Don’t Care How Fast You Run, Just Tell Me Baby When You’re Done…
I know it feels super dramatic and special to Run Away, but running away, hanging up, or shutting down your computer is likely the number one reason your girlfriend is completely insane. This kind of behavior isn’t going to solve anything. Furthermore it’s disrespectful to the human being who wants to love you. Trust that, sooner or later, she will pick up this conversation exactly where you left it.
11. This Isn’t a Marathon
If you’re talking in circles or the sun is rising, you should put things on hold for a few hours. It’s ok to take a break! Courts do it all the time. It’s called ‘recess.’ You should find a slide or a swing set maybe. Take a nap.
12. Nothing To Figure Out, You Gotta Get Her Out
How you know this relationship might just be over over OVER:
+ You’ve had the same argument more than three times or as recently as last week.
+ You spend more time talking about your relationship than being in your relationship.
“It’s okay I learned a lot about myself and now I can read a book in the quiet and stuff yeah I’ll be totally fine I bet my friends miss me.”
But ideally these rules will help you to fight productively and therefore problem solve fights like real humans! If not and you break up, it’ll be okay, you can share your pain on the breakup open thread, check out eight nerdy ways to mend a broken heart, and then learn about the pleasures of solitude. Then you can start the whole cycle over again with our tips on how to pick up chicks, how to get a girl to sleep over, and how to properly court a lesbian. See how helpful we are during slow news weeks?
Why We Have an Open Relationship: A Dialogue on Queer Polyamory for Lesbians
LAUREN: You guys, I’m a real lesbian! I think U-Haul jokes are trite but true, I can’t help but make cooing sounds at babies and small animals, I love Tegan and Sara like whoa, and oh, right, I like girls. I’m just like any other lesbian – but I don’t believe in monogamy.
KATRINA: A lot of people right now are beginning to see a shift in the definition of what it means to be in a relationship, and that definition is no longer contingent upon monogamy. The concept of polyamory is nothing new, of course, but the concept of serious, loving, and functioning relationships that are also sexually open sometimes seems to be.
LAUREN: Because let’s face it, most of us can’t really seem to get down with the idea of a true, real, loving, and open relationship. I’ve been there! I used to be one of those preachers too: monogamy and self-control and don’t you ever think about cheating. What’s in your pants and what’s in your heart are intrinsically and irrevocably connected, because that’s what it means – and all it means – to love someone, right?
KATRINA: I get it, the idea of straying from monogamy is scary. I know that when Sara Quin first sang “I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray,” all of our lesbian hearts stopped as we resigned ourselves to believing that if Sara Quin didn’t believe in monogamy or happily ever after, then none of us ever had a chance at falling in love again. Ever!
It’s no surprise that we feel this way. “Monogamy” is most relationship’s #1 Rule. Straying from that is like falling down a slippery societal slope which eventually leads to women getting the right to vote and gays wanting to get married.
“Coming out as non-monogamous isn’t just about sexual freedom, it’s about sexual honesty. It’s important to us not just as queer women, but as WOMEN. Men have monopolized the idea of multiple sexual partnership for all of time…”
We are inclined to cling to monogamy as the defining factor of ‘serious relationships’ because society values it above all else. It’s more important than trust, honesty, stability, reliability, or emotional availability. But why do we prioritize ownership of our partner’s bodies/sexualities over the social & emotional tenets that construct a strong partnership?
LAUREN: My new outlook on relationships has been vague and life-changing, kinda like when I came out to myself as a non-hetero. ‘Monogamous’ is yet another mold I don’t fit into, and its one that I’ve been trained to see as wrong, immoral and just plain “unnatural.” And if you do do it I, you’ve gotta be a gay man, because they’re the only ones who can get away with it.
KATRINA: But our generation is on the cusp of breaking through a lot of the pre-supposed molds of gender binaries and sexualities. Sometimes it’s not “which gender you’d rather do it with” but “who shouldn’t you be able to do it with?”
LAUREN: In retrospect I think my feelings about non-monogamy were similar to the vitrolic feelings I had towards homos as a kid before figuring out I too was a little babygay. Sometimes it’s easier to hate from far away than it is to be honest with yourself and manifest that in your relationships.
KATRINA: Much like coming out to yourself as queer (I hear a lot of us around here have done that), coming out as non-monogamous isn’t just about sexual freedom, it’s about sexual honesty.
It’s important to us not just as queer women, but as WOMEN. Men have monopolized the idea of multiple sexual partnership for all of time: from the pre-feminist acceptance of men having mistresses to how lesbians have been repeatedly left out of same-sex couples’ polyamorous movement. We’re mired in ideas like “men want to fuck, woen don’t.” “Boys will be boys.” But it’s not fair to ignore this desire in women.
Sex does matter to us. It’s not an obligation and it’s not for procreation, and we do it for love, yeah, but we do it for fun too. ‘Cause it feels good, ’cause we wanna, and ’cause we can.
LAUREN: I find that many of my lesbian coupled friends become codependent on one another, because in lesboland it’s totally accepted and somewhat part of the culture. For lots of relationships that go that way and eventually end, having a more open relationship seems like an easy way to slowly let go while weirdly simultaneously hold on. It seems that a lot of lesbians think about open relationships like this, because they’ve either done it or seen others do it.
PHOTO BY ELLEN VON UNWERTH
KATRINA: But we’re allowed to want things, and not just want them, but expect and even demand them in a partner, whether that partner be sexual, emotional, romantic, or anything between/beyond.
LAUREN: If you don’t fit into the box, it’s okay to let yourself out of it. And it’s okay to stay in the ‘box’ if that’s what makes you happy. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with monogamy; just that we’ve observed that the pressure put upon it makes room for some nasty things, like being overly possessive and jealousy.
It’s socially acceptable for women to feel jealous and consequently be possessive, especially of another woman. I’d rather not dictate to my partner who she should be attracted to.
KATRINA: By nature, monogamy is insistent upon jealousy and structured according to what we feel are unrealistic expectations of yourself and your partner. There’s more room to focus on building a secure, lasting relationship when it’s not bound by or founded on obligation or a denial of attraction.
Questioning monogamy is scary! It means you’re questioning what you feel about love and sex and how you feel about your body, your relationships and your desires, and how your partner feels about these things for themselves. in a relationship, questioning what you want means questioning if you’re wanted. It’s not just about my desires. It’s about her’s, and whether theres’a double-standard at play. You have to be totally honest with not just your girlfriend but yourself. ‘Cause as much as you may not want to watch your girlfriend wanting someone else (or maybe you do), at some point I recognized that I wanted it to.
There’s a difference between expanding the borders of a relationship and using openness as an excuse to run (run, run).
“We finally had a conversation about how we both found the same girl attractive, and admitting this out loud to each other brought us closer, actually, rather than jealousy pulling us apart.”
LAUREN: I actually ended up in an open relationship on accident. Me and my partner let an elephant out of the room when we finally had a conversation about how we both found the same girl attractive, and admitting this out loud to each other brought us closer, actually, rather than jealousy pulling us apart.
Things opened up. We saw each other as people with independent sexualities instead of just each other’s girlfriends. Of course it was more comfortable to tell myself that she only wanted me, forever & ever, and that we’d live happily ever after, but that would be lying to myself about what I really wanted and about who she really is.
KATRINA: It’s not easy, obviously, to think about deviating from monogamy. Monogamy has its merits. It provides a lot of security, but that security can come from places other than sexual exclusivity when you’re focussed on building a comprehensive truth and trust in partnership.
Exploring polyamory for me is almost like exploring a new kind of queerness. It’s acknowledging that there’s more than one or even two ways to look at what a relationship can be. It’s not monogamy vs. polygamy just like it’s not gay vs. straight. It’s various personal experiences and interpretations of how we feel about love and sex and magic (baby).
Of course, there’s a difference between theory and execution. It’s easy to understand your partner’s attraction to someone else and to know how important you are to them and how much they love you, but it’s hard to see it happen and not feel jealousy. But let’s face it: the only good jealousy ever did anyone was to name Tegan and Sara’s fourth studio album.
So it’s okay to think that open relationships might be scary. Being scared of deviation from monogamy is like feeling like The L Word is a legitimately well-crafted show: at first you feel morbidly curious, then transfixed, then reflective upon your own sexuality, and finally you realize that most of what you were preoccupied with really didn’t make any sense anyway. See, it’s the same!
But the concept of an open relationship shouldn’t be scary. Because when it comes down to it, it’s nothing more than another interpretation of what a relationship could be like; it’s just another way to deviate from the norm – and we all know what that’s like, don’t we?
We shouldn’t expect to get non-monogamy right the first time we try to understand or execute it. We still might not get it the second time, or even the third. But maybe it’s not because monogamy is the only way that works, but because there are an infinite amount of ways for relationships to succeed or fail or rework themselves before it’s right.
We as a culture have evolved so many times in only the last 60 years, from the ultra-gendered heterosexuality of the 1950s to free love of the 60s and 70s to the androgynous sexuality (and cone-shaped bras) of the 80s. We act and feel as if this whole time there has only been one way to interpret relationships and sexuality, but in reality or perceptions are changing rapidly and regularly.
This is the generation in which it’s becoming possible to grow up gay. To be able to come out and live without alias or excuse. Maybe our sexual revolution is a revolution of exposure and presence. And although the ultimate goal that some chase is normalcy, we are in a period now where being out means that sex and sexuality are intrinsically tied to your identity, whether that’s the way you perceive it or the way others perceive you. Being gay forced us to honestly consider the possibilities of our sexualities; being non-monogamous forces us to honestly consider the possibilities of our sexualities as they relate to others and re-evaluate the forces that make our partnerships special and honest above all else.
It’s not the easiest choice to make, and it doesn’t make sense to everyone. But it’s something to consider…y’know, if you’re into that kinda thing.