Ranking and Roasting Hinge’s New Gay Prompts
If you’re on Hinge, first of all, solidarity (and I’m sorry). But also, you may have recently received a notification that Hinge is now offering prompts specifically for queer people! Hinge is calling these “Prompts with Pride,” a somewhat surprising call for a feature rolled out in…January, so far from the usual corporate allyship we’ve all come to expect from the summer months.
Anyway, as all Hinge prompts do, these run the gamut of “vaguely cringe-inducing” to “absolutely mortifying,” and that’s before we even begin to consider whether they are, at their root, kind of pandering? But it’s nice to be thought of, I guess. So without further ado, a rating of each new gay Hinge prompt, based on their ability to hypothetically find us love.
It feels affirming when others…
2/10
My big issue with quite a few of these is — is that how we use the word “affirming”? So many of these feel like someone took a list of hot queer buzzwords, tossed them in a computer program, and got these prompts spit back. I’m surprised “gaslight,” “tender,” or “boundaries” didn’t make the cut.
My Love Language is…
6/10
Okay, I’m sure straight people get this one too, but just like star signs and Meyers-Briggs and enneagrams, any personality test belongs to the gays, and this is always a solid option.
My chosen family is the best at…
1/10
Another buzzword-blender delight. Unless your entire chosen family is like, on your kickball team (and you guys won last year’s championships), it’s hard to imagine an illuminating answer here.
My favorite LGBT-owned places…
7/10
Fun! Supports local businesses! Automatically offers up a first date spot! Alternatively, you could take “places” less literally and just answer Autostraddle, a perfect conversation starter.
My favorite off-brand LGBTQ icon is…
4/10
You know that the only answer people will give to this is The Babadook.
The first time I knew I was gay was…
3/10
So we’re not even saving coming out stories til the first date? I have to say it NOW?
Every LGTBQ person should read…
2/10
Look, I love reading as much as the next gay, and if the prompt were just “My favorite LGTBQ+ book is,” then we’d be getting somewhere. But the only answers to this prompt as written are extremely esoteric, extremely basic, or extremely patronizing!
Gender euphoria looks like…
5/10
Remember that period of time where Facebook statuses had to start with “is,” so everything was kind of grammatically funky? Like I had to choose whether to post “Analyssa Lopez is I hate chemistry homework” or “Analyssa Lopez is hating chemistry homework.” This prompt has the same energy as that.
I connect to my community by…
3/10
This is inoffensive enough, but sounds a little more like a college application prompt than one that’s gonna get any of us on a date.
I feel proudest of who I am when / I take pride in…
6/10
Honestly these could be fun, I love a brag! I’m just tickled by the compulsion to couch it in Pride(™). Brag away, gays!
I wish I could tell the younger version of myself
4/10
Predicting a lot of “it gets better” earnestness or “it absolutely DOESN’T get better” ironic nihilism, both of which are fine I guess, but don’t really tell me anything about the person you are now.
Bonus: Let’s shock straight people by…
0/10
If I wanted to think about straight people while dating, I’d be trying to pick up dates at a straight bar! (This one technically is not in my Hinge prompt options, but the screenshots do not lie.)
You Need Help: I’ve Matched With the Same Person Three Times on Tinder
Q:
I need HELP with overcoming/owning a bit of an awkward Tinder situation.
Basically the backstory is I matched with this girl on tinder roughly 4 years ago, we started chatting, and it was going well until she abruptly stopped replying. I let it go as a “she’s probably just not interested.” Fast forward a year or two, we match again, hit it off well again with a brief chat, but then she pretty quickly stopped replying again… Never mind, I moved on and was sort of talking to someone else. Now fast forward another couple of years, and we’ve matched on tinder AGAIN. At this point I’m just confused as to why she keeps matching with me if she doesn’t want to continue conversation. But the awkward part of this all is that we’ve actually also been Facebook friends for 12+ years! I think we drunkenly met at a queer bar and added each other, and we’ve never communicated via Facebook or at all since but we have occasionally throughout the years liked a post of each others here and there. I feel like I know her really well because I’ve basically seen the last 12 years of her life through Facebook. I’ve always found her super attractive and we have a lot of common interests based on our FB posts, but because she keeps ghosting me on Tinder I’ve never really pursued anything. Now that we’ve matched on Tinder a third time, I want to reach out to her somehow but in a way that might woo her a bit more than our regular Tinder chat that hasn’t seemed to keep her interest in the past. Her Tinder is pretty explicit that she’s looking for a partner rather than anything more casual. Seeking ideas and advice on how to really own this and not make it more awkward than it already is!
A:
This situation is indeed kind of awkward, and the fact that the two of you have basically been circling each other for over a decade sounds like something out of a romantic comedy. But unfortunately, this is real life, and I think you have to let go of this person for good. Her recurring appearance in your life is strange, but it’s not necessarily meaningful. Exploring more meaningful connections and relationships will make your romantic life much more satisfying!
If she were interested in dating you, there have been so many opportunities for her to follow through on pursuing that. Online dating isn’t new anymore, and yet it’s still hard to lock down what certain things mean when it comes to people’s behaviors on apps. Basically, everyone uses apps differently! It’s possible this person just swipes pretty casually. A match in and of itself does not mean a commitment to anything more. Recurring matching seems like it should mean something, but it might not at all. I want you to have a happy, fulfilling dating life, and I think you might be getting in your own way by focusing so much on this person. Even though she states she’s looking for a partner on Tinder, that also doesn’t really change the situation here. All the matching and then disappearing is hard to read, but she has a right to use Tinder however she wants. And I honestly don’t think it’s worth the effort to analyze and interpret the intentions of a stranger who has interacted with you somewhat inconsistently.
I know some people might disagree with me, but I don’t really think it’s “ghosting” if you haven’t met up/taken the connection beyond the app. You said yourself that the conversation ended pretty quickly in both instances. There are a million possible reasons she stopped replying. Some people are on multiple apps or also meeting people IRL. Some people just ebb and flow in the time and energy they give to Tinder. Sometimes, people’s capacity for online dating/chatting just changes. Ultimately, she doesn’t owe you an explanation. And ultimately, it’s a futile mission to try to read her mind. In fact, I’m avoiding any definitive statements about what her behavior means, because I think it could be any number of things, but more importantly, I think it doesn’t even really matter when it comes to you and your life. I really, truly think you’re better off letting go of her. Her pattern likely has to do with her own stuff and nothing to do with you.
You say you want help overcoming/owning an awkward situation, but there’s nothing really to own here. No one has done anything wrong. As for the overcoming part, you shouldn’t consider this situation a rejection. I think you should shift away from thinking your past conversations haven’t effectively wooed her into thinking this is just not the right person for you. You shouldn’t have to fight to keep someone’s interest ever in a relationship, but especially at the beginning.
I get she doesn’t feel like a stranger. You’ve talked. You’ve seen her life unfold on Facebook. I think those details coupled with her recurring appearance on the app have maybe intensified the way you feel toward her. This happens a lot! It’s easy to project onto people we barely know and romanticize our connection with them. It’s easy to fantasize about the potential of someone and the potential of a relationship. But this person isn’t the one that got away. Again, that concept is just rom-com fantasy. Social media and dating apps don’t paint a full picture of a person, and at the end of the day, what do you really know about her after a couple brief chats? I understand you want a chance to get to know her better, but if she wanted the same, it likely would have happened already. I think you should focus your energy on talking to people who want to talk to you. There are other people out there who will be thrilled to keep the conversation going.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try Dating App Struck and Leave It to the Stars
Dating Download is an ongoing series where Shelli, Dani, and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on Struck, the astrology-based dating app that pairs you with astrologically compatible matches.
Shelli Nicole: So — I hated this app. The only thing I liked about it was the layout. It looks really pretty and def gives me good old early aughts AIM vibes and I love a pastel color palette, other than that — it’s a no for me.
Drew Gregory: Haha okay great, love an immediate strong opinion.
Also something exciting is about to happen… BECAUSE I SO DISAGREE!!
Shelli: I love that!! I am ready for all the opinions.
Dani Janae: I was very turned on by the concept as I have made very public that I am on the hunt for a Taurus wife. I told someone recently that I’m a “baby astrology queer” meaning I know my big three and really understand nothing else so I was on board and excited to see who I would get paired up with based on the premise
Drew: I feel like I only recently claim a level of knowledge beyond baby astrology queer, which is where I was living for awhile. But my relationship to astrology isn’t so concrete that I went into this with any specific mission. It just seemed like a fun instigator for flirting since inevitably on other apps astrology is often brought up anyway.
Shelli: I was hoping this would just be a cute little moment where I would connect with a few hot Virgos but it didn’t happen. I think the app is geared towards folks who take astrology TO FUCKING HEART. That’s fine, but I’d rather talk about it lightly in text and bring it up sporadically when they do something that “fits” their sign.
Also — I do not share my entire chart with folks. I excused it for this app because obviously it’s embedded in it but any other time, nah. It’s my cosmic social security number and I learned my lesson from giving it out so carelessly in the past.
Drew: !! I’d love to know what about your experience led you to feeling like it’s for people who take it to heart. Also would love to know what you are hiding in your chart but I will respect your privacy and not ask!!
Dani Janae: Oh for sure, when I saw they show your whole chart I was like HM interesting choice! It’s not like people could do damage with that info but it felt super revealing.
Drew: I love sharing my whole chart because when I only share my big three I feel like the story of who I am is incomplete. It’s why I say I’m a Sag Venus in all my dating app bios.
Shelli: The app in its entirety makes me feel like that high-key. I mean, if your knowledge of astrology is on mostly “The Big 3” end, you are going to have no clue what things like houses mean and their importance. Yes, the app gives you a bit of limited information when you click through their astro chart but it’s a very surface layer meaning you know?
Also, the majority of the conversations— were just around astrology, instead of a conversation starter. It’s like, girl if I didn’t want to talk about anything but my chart for 3 days I would have gone somewhere and paid for a reading.
I did love “Hide me from straight people” — very to the point and I liked that.
Drew: Oh that’s so interesting! I didn’t talk to people about astrology at all. To be fair, I didn’t talk to that many people.
Which brings me to the main thing I love about the app… it’s not even the astrology part. It’s the conceit itself. Four people a day, can only message one.
I think at this point in the pandemic I just feel so burnt out from dating apps and all the swiping and there’s been something really nice about every day getting my little notification, looking at four profiles, and usually deciding “you all seem nice but not for me!” Getting rid of dating apps altogether felt sad to me, but keeping the options to a minimum has been nice.
And because the app feels very geared towards queer people (like that “hide from straight people” option, like how it tells you to have a glass of water after you send a message) I felt like the people it showed me were people I might want to know or would know in community. There were no straight people, no couples, very few people with their pictures overfiltered.
Shelli: I got very limited matches; those damn clouds only showed me cards like a few times. And out of those few times only twice was I interested in any of them.
Drew: Oh that’s a bummer. I’ve been shown people every day for the past few weeks except maybe once.
Shelli: Not having to swipe, swipe, swipe was refreshing thought. It was kinda like a friend sending you a message every few days like “Hey, I saw this person’s IG, I think you might dig them but no pressure.” It wasn’t as pushy as the other apps can be.
Drew: Yes!
Dani Janae: I’ll also agree that I hardly talked astrology. I would look at someone’s chart to see why the app thought we were compatible but that was it. I also loved how chill it was as Drew mentioned. Only four potential matches for whatever period of time? Very cool. I had to adjust my parameters a lot to get matches though.
Shelli: A LOT. But again as we have said before, that’s not fully the app’s fault. Or is it? Because, market better, so more people can get on it!
Drew: For me knowing someone’s chart is a context to get to know them, not any sort of determining factor. Even if someone has the exact opposite of my theoretical dream chart I’ll still talk to them if they seem hot and cool.
I can definitely imagine the app being frustrating with fewer people. In LA it’s been pretty good.
Dani Janae: Yeah there is hardly anyone on it right now. I cheated to get access to it so everyone is in New York or LA for me, which is like, I’m a lesbian so I should be able to do long distance, but it’s not ideal.
Shelli: See Drew, that’s the vibe I want a lot of folks to have, but I feel like it will ultimately be the reverse as it expands. Folks who come to the app with a staunch stand of (probably rightfully) rejecting whatever sign(s) and get no play or come off hella judgemental in the initial message exchange.
Drew: Ugh I’m sorry you had that experience! I really don’t like that approach to astrology.
I should admit that part of my experience of the app was influenced by the fact that I have a Libra I’m crushing on hard and have been talking to a bunch and so I’ve been pretty busy flirting separate from apps. I think I might’ve been a bit more impatient with the four people a day, very few matches part of this six months ago.
Shelli: I get it right, like for me, I talk a lot of shit about Libras and wanting them to let me be. BUT if a bad bitch approaches me and happens to be a Libra and we connect like wild — will I be a bit worried, yeah, but will I write her off completely, probably not.
Drew: See isn’t this fun how I love Libras and you are very suspicious of them. Someone out there for everyone!
(A different Libra did break my heart a little last year so maybe I am just foolish who’s to say !!)
Dani Janae: Lol I’m that way about Pisces, but I wouldn’t write any hottie off.
Shelli: Maybe a small part of me also hoping this app would give me a yummy Libra to get a little toxic with.
Drew: Hahahaha
Shelli: I think queer folks would dig the fuck out of this app though. Especially those who are looking for a different dating app experience and are looking for things to be chill. Maybe someone who is already doing some flirting and kicking it with folks already and doesn’t want to be completely removed from the apps but not totally invested either.
So it makes sense to me that your experience went well with it Drew.
Dani — I have never kicked it with a Pisces!
Drew: Knowing the three of us it doesn’t surprise me that we are not usually drawn to Pisces. Two of my best friends are Pisces and I’m just like… yeah we would never date. But again that’s just a sun sign! Who knows! There’s a whole chart and a whole person.
Shelli: Did y’all see the cute ass hats the app has?
Dani Janae: No I don’t think so!
Drew: Omg no.
Shelli: I feel like we should all be sent one — along with a little flower to queerly tuck behind it.
Drew: Hahaha yes. Please send us hats, Struck.
I also love their little celebrity match finder. I got Constance Wu which um yes please.
Dani Janae: I got Nicole Byer and Selena Gomez!
Drew: I also think it’s a good idea because maybe people will download the app to do the celeb match finder and then stick around. I want every city to have as many people as LA!
Shelli: I got Rihanna!
Drew: Talk about a Pisces we would all want to date !!!!!
Shelli: Yo, I also wanted to say that it would be easy for this app to be faking all this connection by charts stuff but they have an actual astrologer advising them, and also — their FAQ on the site is one of the most thorough I’ve ever seen for a dating app.
They basically go “This is as real as you think it is babe, but what we are saying is we fuck with astrology heavy so try it if you want.”
Drew: Yeah I like that. I am very much #TeamStruck.
Have I met anyone using it? Absolutely not. Do I love it? Absolutely.
Shelli: I was very Anti (get it?) at the start of our convo but now I’m a tad bit less so.
Dani Janae: Lol I’ve been holding a convo with a cutie that’s 2000 miles away.
Drew: The Libra I’m flirting with fully lives in Toronto.
Shelli: 2K miles – light work for us.
Drew: We are who we are.
Dani Janae: Truly.
Shelli: But for real — give us hats tho.
Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try Hinge, Try Not to Get Unhinged
Dating Download is an ongoing series where Shelli, Dani, and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on Hinge.
Drew Gregory: Had either of you used Hinge before? For some reason it was always the big one I never tried.
I feel like friends were always telling me Hinge was good and to go on Hinge. But it has a reputation for being for Serious Dating and I think that always felt… idk. As you both know while I’m open to a relationship I’m not exactly looking to Uhaul or have the pressure that matching on an app means we’re going to have an extended affair.
Dani Janae: I really haven’t gotten very adventurous with my app usage until we started this so Hinge wasn’t on my radar until now.
Shelli Nicole: I’ve never used it BUT I knew a lot about it because it has commercials! It’s one of the only dating apps I’ve seen with content on television. Like the ads would come on when I’m streaming a show on Hulu.
Drew: What were the ads like?? Their slogan is the app that’s meant to be deleted, right? Which like… that alone screams We Are For Monogamy.
Dani Janae: Ooo that’s a good point Drew.
Shelli: Ok so like here’s the thing, you’re absolutely right — this app is for serious dating and the ads literally fucking say “it’s an app designed to be deleted.” It shows people on dates and then the little Hinge logo disappears or dies in some way because folks have found their person.
Drew: I’m going to be honest… I’m so tired of pandemic dating I wouldn’t mind being in a situation where I could happily delete my dating apps. Well, except Instagram and Twitter, of course.
Shelli: When we were testing it out I was looking to see if folks were for real like, on it to get off it, and actually — they are. So many profiles were talking about how they were looking for something serious and how they wanted to avoid time wasters.
Dani Janae: Yeah I saw a lot of that as well. I got a date off Hinge and they talked about how that was the appeal of the app — serious dating versus hookups.
Drew: I want serious hookups where’s that?
Dani Janae: Lmao for real, I’m in the place where I’m like “I’ll take anything you’re offering.”
Shelli: Listen, serious hookups sounds perfect — “serious situationships.”
Drew: What were your initial reactions to the app? Like the format and what info it asked for and settings?
Dani Janae: I was VERY turned off by the like function. Even now I keep wanting to swipe. Which maybe is reflective of a problem with the way I date but I hate that I can send a like and the person sees it and can ignore it. How embarrassing.
Drew: At first I was hesitant to just send likes instead of commenting and starting the conversation. I’m not a bottom! Jesus.
But then it became a thing where I was putting energy into thinking of an opener with no guarantee they were even attracted to me. And that started to feel like a waste of time.
Shelli: I kinda liked the format although it wasn’t intuitive. It was a relearning thing from the swiping — it didn’t stop me from using it but it did slow me down.
YO you know what I didn’t like? When you did like some part of someone’s profile on Hinge and got matched — about 80% of the time they still invited me to start the conversation! It’s like, lesbians will find a way to still not talk.
Drew: RIGHT. I’m so over it. I hate that as a stereotype. Like it’s a true stereotype. But I want us to get over it! It’s not cute to me anymore… if it ever was.
Dani Janae: Yes! It’s like, I’m hot, you’re hot, pick something on my profile to talk to me about!
Shelli: I hate it too but it’s getting more and more verified and harder for me to say “that’s not all of us!”
It’s also like, meet me halfway baby girl, please. The vibe is easy to pick up on this app that people are there to truly link up even if you haven’t heard about the seriousness of it so everyone should be ready to talk.
Dani Janae: I also had a feeling that some of the women the app was showing me were not even queer? When the prompt asked “what are you looking for?” I saw a lot of answers that were just “a strong man with a beard” and I was like… so are you into women? I also saw lots of men slipping through the cracks.
Drew: I felt like I saw more men and straight women on Hinge than on other apps.
And yeah if this is for serious daters then date seriously. It’s really for casual daters who want serious relationships. I’m the opposite. Or used to be. I admittedly have left some people on read because I’ve just been disengaged from the app since it wasn’t working great for me.
Dani Janae: I’ve mostly just gotten a lot of unreciprocated likes on both ends.
Shelli: I’ve been quicker to disengage on this one versus all the others. I don’t know if that’s because pandemic dating is wearing on me or if I was sick of being the first one to talk. What I did like — the option to choose to see only black folks AND that option not being behind a paywall.
Dani Janae: Second that so hard. I selected to just not see white people and it really limited my options but it was so nice to have that be offered for free.
Shelli: I liked that it had an explanation folks could click and read as to why it would be important for marginalized communities to want that option in case people were being combative about it.
Dani Janae: I also really liked that, I thought that function and the “is this a dealbreaker” modification were very helpful.
Shelli: Yessssssss on the dealbreaker button! How did y’all feel about the Hinge prompts and being forced to use three?
Drew: I honestly prefer the Bumble prompts.
And feel like the mandatory three is silly because it’s a less a numbers thing and more what you do with it. So many people answered with the plainest answers that told me nothing about them.
Dani Janae: I think apps struggle with what they think is important to people when dating, so when they come up with mandatory prompts like that they think they are opening up an opportunity to be witty and quick but not everyone has that personality, so some of the answers are a bore.
Shelli: I feel like I manifested this because in the last article I was saying how I was going to talk more and be less minimal in the profile and this time around the app was like “Well bitch let’s go.”
Drew: Haha how’d that feel for you?
Shelli: It felt kinda weird but also kinda okay? I just didn’t like that I couldn’t fully create a profile on my own and instead had to rely on prompts but — I did my best!
Drew: When someone had good answers it was such a !!! moment. Because so many were so bad. That’s the silver lining!
But okay… I don’t know how to say this… without sounding awful… But I was attracted to so few people… I’m attracted to so many more people on Bumble. And it made me wonder if it was less about the people and more about how people were presenting themselves on this app that declares itself Serious.
Dani Janae: I honestly think people are AWFUL at presenting themselves on apps. I see so many deranged smiles in my area. It’s like okay how did you end up choosing that picture???
Drew: I think what frustrates me about a lot of peoples’ approach to dating apps is the lack of fun. Like even if you want a serious monogamous relationship that’s going to start with a flirtation and a spark right? So let’s start by flirting and joking and it being casual even if eventually we want it to be more serious. ESPECIALLY then maybe!
Dani Janae: Agreed. I see a lot of profiles with this staunch, I’m looking for my wife, energy and I just want to scream “loosen up!”
Drew: Then again I am at a point in this whole dating during the pandemic thing where I’m like… okay other people seem to be doing it better than me maybe I’m the wrong one lol
Dani Janae: I think I’m very hot and funny and it’s very curious to me how I’m not doing better as well lol
Drew: I just do so much better on Twitter and Instagram than any dating app… Which I realize is not the intended message of this series!
Dani Janae: My IG dms are full but with lots of private accounts and 21 year olds.
Drew: Hahahaha. Okay so the question is before I delete Hinge should I message this one person I matched with and respond to this other person who responded to my opener. I’m just so tired!
Shelli: Message – Respond – Delete.
Dani Janae: I’m gonna say yes for both and see where it goes.
Shelli: I think all in all Hinge is honest and true about what it’s been designed to do. It’s def an app for folks who want to date with intent — but also, everyone should lighten the fuck up on it and quit yelling and mean-mugging while you look for the girl of your dreams.
Drew: Okay I have messaged the people lmao
Dani Janae: Lol niceeee
Drew: They have three days and then I’m deleting. Sorry, Hinge.
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Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try Bumble and Date On a Deadline
Dating Download is an ongoing series where Shelli, Dani, and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on Bumble.
Drew: Bumble was my go-to dating app summer of 2019. It basically felt like Tinder but I was tired of Tinder so I made the switch. On Tinder my matches and convos would pile up so I liked on Bumble how people disappeared unless I chatted with them. But then Fall of 2019 I deleted all my apps and when I returned I returned to the simplicity of Tinder.
Shelli: I went on Bumble for the first time almost two years ago. It was the app I went to right after my break-up, I was into it because I heard that there were a lot of local dykes on it and cishet men didn’t cloud up the queer girl side. I only lasted like two days because I saw a mutual friend of my ex on it.
Drew: Oh noooooo!
Dani Janae: I was always under the impression that Bumble was an app geared more toward straight couples, like I had heard there was a rule that women have to message first and I was like “well with lesbians that is always the case” and it felt for me like the app thought it was super revolutionary but really wasn’t.
Shelli: lol WITH LESBIANS THAT IS ALWAYS THE CASE!
Drew: Yeah I feel like a lot of queer women avoid it because the basic conceit of the app doesn’t really work for us. But the part where SOMEONE has to message within 24 hours or else the match goes away is still applicable.
Shelli: I liked that though this time around, the time stamp element. Mostly because no one fucking messages when you match on any app. So I enjoy that it’s sort of a push to be like “If you are actually into it you need to just go ahead and at least say hi”. But, for those that still need more time and also have expendable income, I like that they give you the option to try again and restart the convo — for a fee. I might start doing that IRL — charging a fee to let folks try again.
Dani Janae: Oh I didn’t even notice that feature! And lmao right? New rules for 2021.
Drew: Hahaha I never took advantage of that. As far as I’m concerned if I didn’t want to message in 24 hours then I didn’t want to message. Except I matched with someone on my birthday and then was immediately embarrassed that I was on Bumble on my birthday/Christmas Eve so I let that one expire even though she was cute.
Shelli: No! Why embarrassed?! You were celebrating!
Dani Janae: The time stamp element of it is really cool especially for women like me that always find ourselves making the first move.
Shelli: I was just going to ask if y’all made the first move on the app?
Drew: Oh I usually make the first move.
Dani Janae: In one instance she moved faster than me but it was to tell me she didn’t think we were a good fit lol
beeline is a very cute name for an app where users usually let the message expire
Drew: What!!! She went out of her way to message you that??
Dani Janae: Yes! She was like “I see you don’t want kids and that’s a deal-breaker for me” uhhh ok
Shelli: The option to unmatch is – right there. Her not just using it seems wild to me. Also, that goes to show that I don’t think people look at the little fact bubbles on the profile. I know I blew past them quite a few times.
I think I only filled out a few because the answers to the choices were hella vague. I did fill out my profile with my typical 3 sentence paragraph and although I like the option to attach my IG, I opted to just drop my handle in the profile instead.
But on the point of messaging first, I am almost always the first one to drop a line first.
Dani Janae: Yes I’m on a few dating apps and the questions/prompts on bumble leave a lot to be desired. I think the interface makes it easy to just swipe and go instead of scrolling to actually learn about a potential match
Drew: Maybe I’m weird but I take so much time thinking of my prompt responses! And I get annoyed when people’s answers are boring!
Dani Janae: I do too! I wanna give people a big taste of who I am upfront so they know what they are getting into.
Shelli: See, I think on the next dating app we try, I’m def going to attempt to do the prompts. It feels like the folks I match with on Bumble and other apps that have a hella filled out profile use that as an excuse to not chat. They have been like, “Well, that’s on my profile” and I’m like, “Ok I know but like — go into detail about why you love the CTRL album so much — I just wanna know.”
I operate in a, less on the profile more in the chat, kinda space.
Dani Janae: Definitely, gotta save a little somethin for the conversation.
Drew: I think because I message first sometimes I’m like… if you don’t give me anything in your profile what can I message you? I don’t just do “heys”. Especially right now dating app convos can feel so pointless and strained so if I don’t go into a convo with a topic then I’m sort of not interested. Of course, if someone wants to have a minimal profile and then message ME that’s totally fine.
How did your convos go?
Dani Janae: I had a great convo for awhile with one person but I think she dipped out, the rest of the conversations I had were with people I already knew from previous dating/friendship stuff and that was nice, but I wanted more.
Drew: I matched with a good amount of people who I was into and had brief convos with some of them. I’ve let most fizzle though…
Right now is both a great time for us to be reviewing these apps and also the worst time! Because I’m not sure I can blame Bumble?? I’ve been having major pandemic dating fatigue the past month or so. But there are like three people I’d totally have asked on a date in normal times.
Dani Janae: Definitely feeling the dating fatigue. Like I can be enamored one minute then completely bored the next!
Drew: I’m not sure if matches expiring is better for that fatigue or worse?
On the one hand it prevents things from piling up, on the other maybe you match with someone while not in the mood but would be at a later time.
Shelli: Most of my convos fizzled out pretty quick. I did let quite a few matches expire but no real chemistry with anyone. One girl I did match with was pretty dope and I got kinda high and watched her play games on Twitch for about an hour. I was too scared to send lewd messages in the Twitch chat so I just sent them to her phone and watched her reaction — it was pretty great.
Drew: That sounds fun!
Dani Janae: That’s so cute!
very willing to have someone drive 47 miles to me as I am too pretty to have a license
Shelli: Oh you know what was dope about the match process? Bumble gives you I think, 2 free filters. Usually filtering is a paid zone but I def liked picking and choosing which ones to turn on and off.
Drew: Which did you use?
Shelli: I think I fucked around a lot with the star sign and height — I can no longer allow Libras to disturb my peace.
Drew: Hahahaha
Dani Janae: Lmao hear that
Shelli: There is one Libra in my life right now that is chill but other than that — absolutely the fuck not.
Ok, let’s get into cishet men territory — did y’all come across a lot or nah?
Drew: I would say yes but slightly less than Tinder?
Dani Janae: Definitely less than Tinder for me and way fewer couples.
Shelli: I got more couples on Bumble for sure — which, I don’t necessarily mind but I wish it were more queer girl couples looking for thirds because that is a train I’m trying to ride. I wonder if there is an app dedicated to that?
Drew: I’ve also wondered that!
Dani Janae: God what I wouldn’t give to be romanced by a hot lesbian couple.
Drew: I’m not sure if this is an LA thing but the average person on Bumble seems to be hotter but more boring than the average person on Tinder??
Dani Janae: People on Tinder do tend to have more… character even if they don’t have much on their profile. I think the level of hotness is even across both platforms in my city.
Shelli: I don’t remember Tinder much! There were some hotties on Bumble here in Chicago but most of them were white women who wore Cubs hats and that’s saying something. On the POC side of things, there weren’t too many Black folks but there were quite a few Latinx folks and I dug that.
So far the most diverse dating app scene was TAIMI for me.
Dani Janae: Same!
Shelli: I also wondered if I did pay for premium, would there be a way for me to only see/be seen by people of color.
Dani Janae: Yo that premium fee? A little too much!
Drew: It’s interesting that Bumble gives you an exact number of people who have swiped right on you that you could see if you subscribed to premium. Why won’t they show me those people as I’m swiping though!
Shelli: For real, even the one week was quite a bit. I was hopeful that they would give a trial to test it out but it wasn’t offered to me.
Dani Janae: I want an app to show me who likes me with no fee because it’s my business.
Drew: It’s just confusing when it says there are no more people in my area but I can see 40 people have swiped right on me. Does that mean they aren’t in my area?
Shelli: People ran out in my area so often that I had to stay off for a day or two and then raise or lower my distance and ages.
Oh, also I tried out the BFF!I actually love the concept of the BFF side of things. It’s the exact same as the Love matching but you are looking for a friend! I ran into the EXACT same problem over there though — I would match and the other person wouldn’t respond to a convo. You would think shooting your friendship shot was easier but not at all.
Dani Janae: I didn’t even notice the BFF side. Is everyone just burnt out on human connection?
the most cursed and frequent view on any dating app
Shelli: I think so, especially around the holidays on these apps is already wild but during this time too — I know I am a bit.
Drew: It’s New Years Eve and I have the flu and I’m staring at the little “Your Move” icon on all these messages and like …….. god I need this pandemic to end.
Shelli: Do y’all think it fluctuates? The want to connect on these apps and then it going away maybe shortly after?
Drew: I think what’s hard is some nights I’m really in the mood to chat. But someone doesn’t respond until the next day and by then chatting with a stranger on a dating app is the last thing I want to do.
Dani Janae: Yeah I think so. I get on a swiping streak and then after awhile it feels kinda hopeless.
Drew: Generally I like Bumble, though. I was banned from Tinder so as long as I’m in a space where I want a dating app on my phone I’ll keep Bumble as just a sort of basic go-to.
Shelli: I did like it too. It didn’t feel as scary or overwhelming as the others we have tried. It’s simple, doesn’t have all the games, gives you the option to share a lot to just enough about yourself and even lets you backtrack if you need in a few ways.
Dani Janae: I like it too. It’s at least a little different than what I’m used to and I can appreciate that!
Shelli: Damn it, I’m gonna hit four martinis tonight and re-download, I just fucking know it.
A Very Sensible, Queer Guide to Sending the First Message on Dating Apps
Before I met my current girlfriend, I decided to master Tinder. I know Tinder is not a game. I didn’t necessarily want to win Tinder, but I did want to be good at it. And the reason was simple: I was terrible at dating. And the reason for that was simple, too: at the age when everyone else was learning how to date, I was extremely closeted.
I came out at the very end of college, and I struggled. I didn’t know how to meet girls. I have always been an extroverted introvert, a contradicting duality I often attribute to being a Gemini, which makes connecting with people difficult. But I’ve been connecting with people on the internet since high school. Some of my best friends today are people I met on tumblr years ago. There’s something about the structure and culture of the internet that makes it easy for me to open up to people, bond with them, and eventually take our relationships into the real world.
Dating apps immediately seemed familiar, and not all that different from other ways to build relationships online. Hooking up with girls and connecting with other local queer people no longer seemed insurmountable. Tinder can be exhausting, and my relationship with it was extremely love/hate. But I had some fun. And none of it would have happened if I hadn’t dived into the part of Tinder that can be the most anxiety-inducing: sending the first message.
Some Tinder philosophers maintain that you should never send the first message. I personally think that approach is bullshit. You swiped right; they swiped right. You’ve both expressed interest on a very surface level. Why wait? Send the first message! Don’t open with something generic or weak that isn’t going to prompt them to answer. Start with a question. My recommendation? Ask an absurdly specific and slightly bizarre question about pop culture. (If you don’t care about pop culture, ask a specific and slightly bizarre question about something you do care about, duh.) It’s an easy way to see if you have similar interests, to talk about culture and art, and to have a fun back-and-forth before making plans to meet up.
Below, some suggestions for Tinder opening lines. I’m not saying the following is an exhaustive list of every first message I sent,* but it does include the best. Borrow and go forth. Or suggest your own in the comments!
Tinder Opening Lines For Everyone
1. “Do you have a favorite Fast & Furious movie?”
This line was, without a doubt, my favorite way to start conversations on Tinder. Far too many of my matches did not have an answer, but they always replied, because in a sea of “what’s ups” and “how are yous” and “heys,” my first stab at striking up conversation stood out. One time, a girl gave a complete answer with reasons and everything… only to later admit that she had never seen any of the films and had made the whole thing up in a panic. If nothing else, this tactic at least led to some comedy. But to be clear: it also led to some dates.
good answer
bad answer
pretentious answer
weird answer
flirty answer
2. “Have you ever cried during Dawson’s Creek be honest.”
Honesty is a great quality in a potential sexual partner.
3. “How would you rank the noses of all the cast members of Cruel Intentions?”
In college, an inside joke with one of my friends about the structure and integrity of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s nose spun wildly out of control when I made a password-protected blog dedicated to the matter (the password is “nose”). A few years later, and the joke was still wildly out of control, seeping into my Tinder presence. Sarah Michelle Gellar has a lovely nose. Cruel Intentions is a great movie. At some point, I decided this was a perfectly reasonable question to ask people I was trying to make out with.
4. “What’s your favorite scene from Bend It Like Beckham?”
This one led to some of my favorite Tinder conversations.
5. “Serious question: How do you feel about the Grey’s Anatomy musical episode?”
I am 100% serious when discussing Grey’s Anatomy (or any Shonda Rhimes show for that matter), so this question started with an important disclaimer. It is very important to be totally upfront with matches about your interests, even if those interests are slightly embarrassing or otherwise chip away at the very cool and sexy exterior of your Tinder profile. There’s nothing wrong with being a little earnest and a little goofy. And there’s nothing more earnest or goofy than the Grey’s Anatomy musical episode and my unironic love for it.
6. “Do you want to watch the back-to-back airing of Maid in Manhattan on oxygen with me on Monday?”
This message served two purposes: finding out how they feel about Jennifer Lopez’s acting career and also suggesting an actual date.
7. “How do you feel about Jennifer Lopez’s acting career?”
Sometimes, you just gotta get straight to the point.
8. “How many times have you watched Rihanna’s iHeartRadio Music Awards performance of ‘Bitch Better Have My Money’ today?”
I think I threatened to unmatch anyone who said zero.
9. “How do you feel about Dana Scully?”
A sensible question in all scenarios.
10. “What’s your favorite season of The Good Wife?”
My Tinder bio at the time read: “Looking for the Alicia to my Kalinda.”
11. “If you were a Shonda Rhimes character, who would you be?”
This is a really easy way to find out if they are a sociopath.
12. “Do you have a favorite Terminator movie?”
T2 is the right answer, but T3 is the gayest.
13. “Have you ever subscribed to the Goop newsletter?”
I just need to know.
14. “Who would you cast as the Halliwell sisters in a Charmed reboot?”
People have some STRONG OPINIONS about this one. I love it.
How to Successfully Flirt With the Babe of Your Dreams on Instagram
It’s been said that Tinder is more of an “introduction app” than a dating app, which is a fair take! It’s a way to find out if you might be into someone based on a very brief, curated profile and decide if you think they’re hot based on some also very curated selfies. But is there any other way to meet people outside of bars? Well, there is if you embrace the attitude of our community editor Vanessa, who says that “any app is a dating app if you have confidence and a good selfie.” Combine that attitude with Instagram’s many features for actually getting to know what someone is like and connecting with their life, and you’re halfway to adopting a cat with someone or just sucking their face off, whichever you’re looking for.
We’ve been talking since 2016 about Instagram’s potential as a gay dating app. And that was before the advent of (herstory) Personals, before Instagram stories and DMs, before the queer astrology meme culture that lets you send your crush a meme about your water sign venus at 1:00 a.m. and hope they know it means you want to grow old with them, etc.
Who you can meet on Instagram
Hot, faraway, mostly unattainable people
This is a classic and pure thirst follow. Whether they’re somebody semi-internet-famous, a friend of a friend of a friend, or someone from a previous A-Camp, this is someone whose face is nice to look at and we all deserve that simple joy. It isn’t super likely that anything will happen with this person, and so for most people it isn’t necessarily worth expending more flirting effort than liking their selfies, though it can be fun to have a recreational low-stakes internet flirtation. On the other hand, it’s possible that someday one of you will be traveling through the others’ city, or you’ll decide to take a sexy plunge like @tenderfemme did once:
“I had been lightly flirting with a babe through comments on both of our posts for a few weeks. One day she slid into my dms, and before I knew it (three days later) I was taking a four hour drive from Philly to the Catskills in upstate New York. We ended up immediately clicking, and spent an entire weekend fucking.”
If long-distance sexy penpals or sexting is your thing, Instagram is also the premier way to find that — it’s a way to get to know and flirt with someone at a remove while still keeping it authentic, since this is their actual (internet) personality. One anonymous source reports more success with this dynamic than dating locally:
“I have asked people out but mostly it’s been with strangers who comment on my stories then I write back and it just naturally progresses from there. Or vice versa. In the past this is almost always with people who aren’t local to me and that is JUST FINE because I love sexting. The DMs just get more and more flirty and maybe some pics and that’s that. And it’s great and easy and fun and super casual!”
Hot local people, potentially attainable
Here is where the stakes of Instagram flirting are heightened! Maybe you started following each other because you have mutual friends, or they’re a local tarot reader/cycle repairperson/performer, maybe someone else you know tagged them in a photo and they’re hot (may this serve as a reminder that we all have a mutual responsibility to contribute to this ecosystem by tagging our hot friends in pictures). If Instagram flirting goes well, it could lead to you actually hooking up or dating, or at least being IRL friends or acquaintances.
For some people part of the appeal of checking out your larger queer scene over Instagram is that it makes things like Tinder feel less necessary; for a lot of people, Instagram works in concert with Tinder to make connecting with people a little more authentic. One person reported that they had been casually following a babe on Instagram already and thought they were hot; when the two matched on Tinder later, “I felt like I already knew them,” and it made connecting and later hooking up easier. Another person followed a cutie on Instagram because they recognized them from Tinder, and were already following each other and commenting on each others’ stories when they matched on Tinder later, making it easier to talk to each other and make a date. D matched with their now-girlfriend E on Tinder but they never messaged; later, when D recognized one of E’s photos on Instagram and connected the dots, “I’d also noticed that we had a couple of mutual follows on IG, which helped to kind of vet her as a decent human” and helped inspire them to message, and then plan a date.
People actively seeking dating partners through something like Personals
This is the most direct and distilled form of Instagram dating, in that it is specifically designed for Instagram dating rather than, like the rest of Instagram, being tacitly fruitful for it. Using the @personals account (and, in the future, an app!) you can see what someone is looking for — a penpal, an erotic third, a long-term partner, a mommy/mommi — and reach out if you think that describes you. Several people who met this way and are now in dating relationships of some kind reached out for this piece; generally one person posts an ad, and is flooded with new followers/DMs; one person in particular stood out or hit it off, and things went from there. Although (if you live in a major US city) it’s certainly possible to select according to who lives in your region, the trend seems to be falling for people who live at LEAST several states away from you. Never change, lesbians. As an example, @Begorgeousx0xo’s story hits most of the “met over Personals” milestones:
“I notice a girl who is always liking my post and I finally decide to snoop on her page. I find that she’s cute, tall, and on the butch spectrum, so I follow her back and like a few pics. About a week later she sends me a message commenting on the fact that I showed my undergrad class the Thanksgiving episode of Master of None. From there a conversation develops! I find out that she started following me back in April when my Personal was posted. I tell her that I think that she’s cute, that, that she looks wholesome, that she probably can’t handle me, and that I’m going to top her, she likes the challenge.
We talk for a couple weeks and I decide I’m going to go see her as a birthday trip. When I get to her apartment(where I was gonna be staying, despite just meeting her), we are making out in less than 4 minutes, which lead to amazing sex, and an amazing first visit. I bawled my eyes out at the train station when I had to leave Brooklyn (where she lives) and go back to Buffalo. I went back to see her in August and the second time was even more amazing than the first. We made our relationship official at the time and are now in a long distance monogamous relationship (something I wasn’t quite sure I was capable of). I’m actually in the process of packing to go see her on Wednesday!”
As D observes, the combination of the verbal descriptors in the Personals ad and the context of someone’s whole Instagram can make a big difference in deciding whether you want to get to know them — “I’m first attracted by someone’s words and not the way they look. So many of the personal ads can be so poetic – vulnerable, direct, hot af, witty, bold, sweet. Sometimes all at once. Then seeing their Instagram account as a whole – not necessarily just for what they look like — but getting a glance at what matters to them, what they think about, things they find beautiful, or makes them laugh — that paints a broader picture than the 40 or so words in the ad can do.”
How to actually approach people
Regardless of what you’re looking for or what capacity you want to Instagram flirt in, the process is pretty consistent: liking someone’s content and engaging meaningfully with them, especially in the stories format where you can do so privately. A follow and liking of a few recent selfies is a solid indicator that someone at least thinks you’re cute, and if you feel similarly about them, maybe you follow back! Maybe later in the week they post a story about how much they’re enjoying their refreshing craft IPA, and you respond to it asking if they’ve tried the peach saison from the same brewery, it’s really good! If they want to respond, voilá, a conversation is born, and maybe a connection.
Much like a conversation not on Instagram, it works better if you’re enthusiastic and specific and give someone something to actually respond to; “have you tried the peach saison by them?” is way easier to have an actual conversation about than just sending an emoji or telling someone they’re cute (although people do appreciate hearing that). Also much like a conversation in real life, if you want to go out with someone, one of you does have to eventually articulate that with words. And ALSO like any other conversation, pay attention to the other person’s cues — if you’re responding to every single one of their stories and they never reply, that’s a cue! Chill out! They aren’t interested, and that’s okay. Similarly, regardless of how thirsty you are (aren’t we all!), try to match the tone they’re projecting. If they’ve posted a super hot half-naked picture as a clear and intentional thirst trap, sexy emojis or telling them how hot they are is appropriate — if it’s a selfie with their mom, probably not. Read the room, etc.
If someone is long-distance, eventually you may want to make plans to meet up! If someone is local, you don’t have to be quite so intentional. It’s totally possible you’ll run into them at the party/poetry reading/protest, in which case if you’re mutuals and commenting on each other’s stuff, it’s totally normal to introduce yourself and say how glad you are to meet (and flirt) in real life. You can also engineer this scenario; when they post about an event or a location, you can let them know you’ll be there too and would be into saying hi. If your Instagram correspondence has been on the thirstier side and you’re really just looking to hook up rather than date or hang out, eventually one of you will have to be the one who invites the other over, unless you get lucky and run into them at the pride party.
The good (and bad news) is that, as you may have concluded on your own, these are largely also the steps you would take if you wanted to make a friend. This does mean if you’re interested in dating or sleeping with someone as opposed to just being friends you may have to make that explicitly, flirtatiously clear; however, it also means making friends! Hooray for friends! There are worse things than meeting cool people that you end up not dating or having sex with, and Instagram is great for that too.
How to be Instagram approachable
If you actually want to get to know people over Instagram, it helps to have an Instagram presence yourself that’s easy to engage with and talk to. Much like it’s hard to know what to say to someone over Tinder if they just have three selfies and no bio, it’s hard to start talking to someone if all they ever post is pictures of their cat or composed selfies or photos of alleys behind your apartment building with cryptic song lyrics. What do you say to that? There’s only so far you can go with heart eye emojis and telling someone their cat/dog/gecko is cute. “Be yourself” is tired advice, but the more genuine and inviting you are about your actual life and interests, the easier you make it for someone else to connect with you.
Instagram flirt extraordinaire Vanessa says she thinks the key is “a combo of interactive content, thirsty selfies, as much of your genuine personality as you’re willing to share online,” and shared as an example how someone else’s open invite through their Instagram stories for someone to make slime with them turned into a fling:
“So here’s a person who’s lived in [my city] 15 years… and yet I’ve NEVER interacted with them… [I] browsed their profile, decided they were hot and I was thirsty, and responded to the first thing they posted, which was if anyone wanted to make slime. And somehow we quickly moved from ‘wanna make slime’ to ‘where’s your mars’ to ‘wow we should hook up'”
Asking open-ended questions in stories that people can respond to, using the poll or the new question feature, sharing opinions on things or inviting discussion make it really easy for someone to reach out and talk to you!
If you’re interested in people thirsting over your pictures and stories the way you are over theirs or having more overtly flirtatious interactions with people, maybe you want to explore that more on your Insta (which will invite other people to explore it too, etc etc). If you aren’t used to posting selfies or being publicly “hot,” it feels really weird and awkward, for sure! Try to remember, though, that you (I don’t think) judge or roll your eyes at other peoples’ selfies or thirst traps; even if they aren’t your cup of tea, you probably just keep scrolling and don’t think much of it. If you felt hot today, and if you think other people on the internet telling you you’re hot is a thing you’d like, post it! Think about what posts from other people make you feel eyes emoji, and whether you’d like to experiment with doing something similar. Be honest with yourself about what you want; if what you want is a bunch of ??? messages in your DMs, but all you post is pictures of what you had for dinner, there’s some room to adjust and try new things there.
It’s obviously easier to get to know people if your profile is public, but also life is a kaleidoscope of horrors and there are certainly reasons why you might want yours to be private. If that’s the case, having a photo that’s actually of you and maybe including some basic info in your insta bio (like the city you’re in, especially if you’re flirting with people from Personals) can help people feel like they can request to follow.
Technology has brought this generation some incredible things; we can see our own apartment buildings on Google maps satellite view, FaceTime our friends and family around the world, and also view someone’s butt on an app and then use the same app to message them and let them know how great their butt is. As with so many things in life, the trick to successfully doing so is a combination of confidence, openness, and a willingness to fail or get rejected sometimes — and maybe, if you’re up for it, being the picture of a great butt you want to see in the world.
Want to learn more? Register for the Flirting 101 event with HER host Nicole Lim and Autostraddle’s Drew, Dani and Shelli on Thursday 1/14 and check out the other upcoming Queer Dating 101 events!
How to Choose Dating App Photos That’ll Have Babes Swiping Hell Yes
We’re revisiting this classic Autostraddle piece on queer dating as we get back to dating basics in partnership with HER’s Queer Dating 101, a series of live edutainment events that brings in concrete how-tos, insights, experts and some of your favorite Autostraddle personalities to help you find love (or whatever you’re looking for) in the time of corona. Check out the first event, the Dating Preparedness Kit, tonight, Tuesday 1/12, at 6pm PT | 9pm ET!
So you’ve accepted Tinder into your life, if not your heart. We’ve taught you how to write a great swipe-worthy Tinder profile. But what about the visual aspect of a dating app profile? How do you curate the photos that will make fellow hot queers swipe right on your cute face? You want to look like your best self: fun, hot, interesting, and lez be real, it doesn’t hurt if you look like you might actually send the first message.
Of course, like all aspects of a dating profile, and dating in general, you can’t please everyone – some things that will ping for one queer will make another go running far, far away. But that’s just the way life works, and if you’re a Nature Queer you don’t want to date someone who hates hiking anyway, so it’s fine. Even taking personal tastes into account, there are some basic rules you can follow when choosing photos for your dating profile that will help your online dating life thrive.
Can I guarantee that these tips will lead to more queers sending you the first message, actually going on more dates, or getting laid by someone who will text you back the next day? Sure can’t! But I can guarantee that following these tips will make your dating profile as strong as it can be. Here’s how you can curate your Best Dating Self via your Tinder photos.
DO: Have at least three photos.
Okay, if you’re going to the trouble to make a Tinder profile, you might as well give it your best shot. Anything less than three photos is not your best shot. Tinder is an app that relies heavily on visuals and so you need to actually include some visuals. That’s why you’re reading this article, right?! I personally think three photos is the absolute minimum amount you should include in a Tinder profile, but Tinder allows you to include up to nine, so you can decide what you want to do with that info. I think it’s important to use this space to show off a really full picture of you – you know how your face looks kind of different at different angles, and sometimes you wear glasses and sometimes you wear contacts, and occasionally you remove your lip ring, and also you dye your hair a different color every month? Right, so you want to show off all the versions of you that you can – the only way to do this, superficially, is by posting many photos. I would also suggest at least one full body shot, probably because I am a fat person, and I want to highlight my fat body – if someone is fatphobic, that’s a great way to weed them out right away. Personally, I have nine photos on my profile right now. More is more.
DON’T: Use multiple versions of the same thing.
As we just discussed, it’s important to have a nice variety of pictures, so the babes swiping feel like they’re getting to see a few different sides of you and your vibe. If you post three+ photos like I just instructed you to (great work) but they’re all selfies from the exact same angle, that’s not actually doing the work that posting three photos is supposed to do. Many of the folks I interviewed for this article (yes I researched this for you babes! I care!) said they really appreciate a nice variety of posed, candid, and selfie shots. It’s ideal if not all the images are selfies. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – it’s 2019. If your bestie / co-worker / mom won’t take 1000+ photos of you so that you can look your best on the dating app of your choice then WHAT ARE WE ALL EVEN DOING HERE.
DO: Make sure the photos are good quality images.
You want your photo to be well lit, composed nicely, and to have a general “good aesthetic.” If it’s helpful, imagine each photo you’re posting as if it’s going to be featured in a magazine! Or on the front page of your favorite website. I know not everyone fancies themselves a photographer or a self-appointed Instagram celeb, and that’s fine, but it’s actually fairly easy to take a good quality image. Some quick tips: natural light is nice, avoid very harsh sun and if things seem too bright find a spot of shade, avoid weird shadows on your face, Portrait Mode on the newer iPhones is a huge life hack (and I am told that Androids and other smart phones now have similar modes but I’m not personally familiar with them), make sure your face is *in focus*, and always take multiple shots (that way you can text them to your BFF later and decide which one is best). Kayla’s groundbreaking research in this area focuses largely on thirst traps, a subset of photo types, but many of the guidelines for composition and lighting etc apply regardless of how much clothing you’re wearing. I understand this might seem overwhelming, but it is really truly worth it, I swear. If you still feel like you have no idea what you’re doing, examine some of the photos you personally are drawn to on Tinder or Instagram and then try to mimic that when you take your own pictures. You can do it!
DON’T: Blurry photos, bad lighting, or Snapchat/Instagram filters.
You can have one or two photos with shitty indoor club lighting or a blurry omg-I-was-laughing-so-hard-you-can’t-really-see-my-face-but-look-how-fun-and-spontaneous-I-am candid vibe, but you better have multiple crisp well-lit portraits to balance that out if that’s the route you choose to take, okay? Also I’m sorry, I’m coming down with a hard no on Snapchat filters. No. Snapchat. Filters. No! Exceptions! You want someone to be into you based on what you actually look like, not what a blurry bunny version of you looks like. I will die on this hill, it’s for your own good, you’re welcome.
DO: Highlight who you are!
The whole point of a dating profile is to show off who you are, in a curated and vaguely superficial way, so that you can hopefully connect with other babes who like who you are! That’s like, the whole thing. So it is in your best interest to use the photos in your dating app profile to highlight what makes you special and fun and, you know, you. Show off your hobbies, your skills, your thirst traps if that’s your vibe. If you’re a farmer, include some photos of yourself with your animals, or at your farm stand. If you DJ, I’m sure you have some sweet professional photos of you doing your thing at that hot and sweaty monthly gay night you host – what a perfect image to add to your dating profile! Love your cat? Include your cat. Have kids? Put ’em in there! (If you don’t want to include your kids’ in your dating profile because of their privacy or because you’re uncomfortable posting photos of your kiddos online that is completely understandable – some of my pals work around this by putting cute emojis over their kids’ faces. If you don’t want to include any photos of your kids at all that is absolutely your call, but I would then put somewhere in the word portion of your bio that you have kids – for most parents I know, that’s a pretty important part of their lives, and you’re doing yourself a favor to weed out anyone who would swipe left simply because you’re a parent.)
DON’T: Pretend to be someone you’re not.
Listen, I love a good thirst trap, because I am an extroverted slut who practices body love as a form of self care and is really into getting attention from friends and strangers on the internet alike. It would be disingenuous for me not to include a thirst trap or seven on my dating app profile. But if you are shy, or not super sexual, that is totally fine and wonderful! And you should not feel pressured to include slutty thirst traps in your dating app profile! I cannot stress enough that aside from including well lit photos that actually show multiple angles of your face/personality/life, the most important thing about a photo on a dating app profile is that it reflects you. If you hate being outside, do not post the one smiling photo you managed to take on that camping trip from hell. If you are allergic to cats, you’re not obligated to pose with your friend’s kitty in the hopes of luring the lesbians to your cat-free life. If you’re nerdy and book-ish I guarantee you there are a million people who wanna curl up at the library and spend some sweet introvert time with you – no need to post images where you’re pretending to enjoy being at a dance party. One person I interviewed for this post actually said her favorite thing on a dating profile is thirst traps with books. “It’s niche but I’m into it,” she said, which is such a perfect way to think about what’s happening when we all look at dating profiles. Don’t cater to a niche you’re not into!
Final Tips
A genuine, big, confident, happy smile is the number one thing every single human I spoke to for this article mentioned when talking about what attracts them to a dating app profile, so I dunno, unless you literally hate smiling (be yourself, remember) I’d recommend finding a photo where you are flashing a KILLER smile and make that your first image. This is controversial, but I personally don’t love including any group photos – it’s confusing. I understand the urge and some folks say they like seeing candid group shots that show you are a real human with real friends and know how to experience joy while engaging in activities with said friends, so, like I said, controversial, but I personally just want to see photos of you on your dating app profile. If you’re going to include group shots make sure you include multiple solo photos so we all know which hot queer you actually are. Also controversial, but I don’t think you should use any of your precious picture real estate on memes, photos of your pet by themselves, or “ironic” images of like, your messy bedroom floor. That’s what your Instagram is for. Which brings us to my final tip – if you’re comfortable, link your Instagram to your Tinder account. I will forever stand by my very strong opinion that Instagram Is The Best Dating App For Queers In 2019, and I think a lot of the work that Tinder pictures are trying to do – show off what you actually look like, prove that you have friends and hobbies and a personality, cultivate your True Self while still also being clearly, you know, cultivated – can be done far more successfully on Instagram.
To conclude: Be confident, be real, lean into your strengths and your specific niche interests, never ever ever use a Snapchat filter, try to be authentic in this weird inauthentic world of dating apps, and as one sweet queer said to me: honestly, the gayer the better!!! Amen.
Want to learn more? Register for the Dating Preparedness Kit event tonight with HER host Nicole Lim and Autostraddle Managing Editor Rachel Kincaid, and check out the other upcoming Queer Dating 101 events!
How to Write a Swipe-Worthy Dating App Bio
We’re revisiting this classic Autostraddle piece on queer dating as we get back to dating basics in partnership with HER’s Queer Dating 101, a series of live edutainment events that brings in concrete how-tos, insights, experts and some of your favorite Autostraddle personalities to help you find love (or whatever you’re looking for) in the time of corona. Check out the first event, the Dating Preparedness Kit, tonight, Tuesday 1/12, at 6pm PT | 9pm ET!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no one has ever told their kids that they met because “I saw your mom was only 12 miles away.” You have to actually say something in your profile on dating apps! You just do, I’m sorry. At this point, just having a photo and a location is like showing up to a party your crush is at and then standing in a corner facing the wall the entire time before going home mad that you didn’t talk to them. If you’re going to do this dumb app thing, actually do it and write a few sentences about yourself.
You Have to Say Something, Seriously
Ideally, your profile lets someone know something about you, and gives a sense of what you’re looking for and if they fit that. This doesn’t have to be like, a whole thing; it can be a few sentences, and it’s a good exercise to articulate what you think you’re bringing to the table and what you’re looking for. Pick a few adjectives to describe yourself and say a little something about your interests or how you spend your time, and try to articulate why you’re here — do you want to meet your wife? A regular hookup? A one-time hookup? If that’s what you really want, it’s great to just say that! As Archie says, “If they lay it all out there into what they’re into (“leather pup looking for daddy”) I’m like REAL INTO THAT.”
Some of you perhaps think you can circumvent the challenge of figuring these things out and then actually saying them with words by having an enigmatic, one-word profile, or possibly just a quote or pop culture reference. First of all, you are not allowed to have a profile that just says “hey” or something similar. That is worse, somehow, than saying nothing at all! Prohibited. If you are going to have a cryptic, tongue-in-cheek profile that attempts to somehow preserve your invulnerability despite the fact that you’re using this dumb app and therefore clearly just as lonely and/or horny as everyone else, fine, no one can legally stop you. BUT you have a moral obligation to then be the person who messages first, because you have made yourself truly impossible to start a conversation with, and that was your own choice.
Don’t:
Have someone else write it
This option seems tempting! Having a friend who loves you write something for you, with their outsider perspective on your charms and also the fact that they’re removed from the situation meaning they can be chill about this. This is true, but also your friend doesn’t quite sound like you, and your friend’s favorite things about yourself might not be yours. Before someone meets you, all they have to go on are pictures and your voice in your profile, and if your friend writes your bio one of those things will actually be someone else — have you not seen Must Love Dogs? You don’t want that!
Use only emoji
The appeal of this is undeniable. It’s like using words to describe yourself without having to use words or describe yourself, and this is somehow easier, much like how hunting for the egg in a pan emoji for two minutes is somehow easier than texting “brunch?” Unfortunately, the context is different from texting your best friend an egg emoji and their knowing it means you are hungover and want brunch; without knowing anything about you, seeing a string of rainbow – waterski – puppy – pineapple – leaf – pizza is meaningless. If you really have a hard time letting go of this format, try using it as an outline; the emojis can be a jumping off point for writing, you know, actual words.
Include a long lists of don’ts
Truly, everything is terrible and more than ever love is obviously a lie; however, you are not meaningfully combating these realities by including a screed against people who behave poorly as part of your profile. It’s one (arguably advisable) thing to address common misconceptions or preclude unconstructive interactions — if you regularly have people, say, who seem to have the profile of a single person but then message you asking if you want to meet their boyfriend and that isn’t your thing, then it could be worth it to make clear that you’re not open to that. However, long lists of perfectly subjective and fine things that you feel vehemently opposed to, or enumeration of the way other people on Tinder have wronged you (“why even bother matching with me if all you’re going to say is “hey!”) are not helpful. They aren’t going to stop anyone from doing those things — it’s the wild west out here! It’s an emotional demilitarized zone! — and they will just make everyone else feel defensive and prickly before you ever talk to them.
Do:
Be specific
The more concrete and specific you are about yourself and what you like, the better this will work — both because someone will know if they’re a good fit for you and because it makes it so much easier to say something, anything, to you. Everyone likes hiking and craft beer! (Well, not everyone, I don’t, but that actually makes it worse.) Valerie put it really well: “‘I like traveling and watching TV’ means nothing to me but ‘I love vacationing in countries I don’t know the language and sci-fi shows with strong female leads’ I can work with.” Just give someone something they can respond to or ask a question about! “I love craft beer” is hard to work with; “I love [this beer] and would love recommendations for others like it” is easy.
Be direct and yourself
Know what you want and say it! That doesn’t mean you need to describe your perfect partner in detail, but knowing what kind of dynamic you’re looking for is really helpful, both in attracting people and weeding them out. It sucks to meet someone you feel like you could be really into and find out you want totally different things and that they’ll never overlap! As Vanessa put it, “I want our needs to match up — so anyone monogamous looking for true love rn is a no for me. I understand that’s specific to me but I think everyone has that thing — where you read it and if you’re being honest with yourself you just know right off the bat your needs are NOT gonna be met.” This includes how you want to be wooed or dated — in keeping with not having a long list of don’ts, try phrasing for things you do want rather than things you don’t. If you’re in a place in your life where you know that all you’re really open to is someone buying you dinner and telling you how cute your cat is when you show them pictures on your phone, you can say that. You’re right that some people will decide that’s not them and keep swiping! And that’s great, because they weren’t a good fit.
Have fun out there!
That’s mostly a joke because it is objectively difficult to maintain an openness to the joy of potential human connection in this dark era of the anthropocene, but also, seriously, be kind to yourself about this and in general and look for opportunities to be nice to those other humans. At worst, some people have good memes.
Want to learn more? Register for the Dating Preparedness Kit event tonight with HER host Nicole Lim and Autostraddle Managing Editor Rachel Kincaid, and check out the other upcoming Queer Dating 101 events!
Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try Lex and Get Sexy With Words
Dating Download is a new ongoing series where Shelli, Dani, and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you a review of the Lex dating app.
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- Drew’s Lex ad
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- Dani’s Lex ad
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- Shelli’s Lex ad
Drew: Maybe we should start by saying whether these ads were our first Lex ads or if we’ve used Lex before.
Shelli: This wasn’t my first Lex ad. I made one when it was originally over on Instagram as Personals. I honestly forget how I discovered it but I think someone may have sent an article my way about it and I was hella interested. I kind of really miss the original format and the days when it was over on Instagram — I understand the need for the separation and for it to hold its dykey own in the App Store — but you kind of end up on Instagram anyway.
What about y’all? First time diving into the Lexicon or already been there, done that?
Drew: This actually was my first Lex ad! I followed Personals because my ex was really into it. We talked a lot about what our ads would be if we were dating, but we were monogamous so it was all speculative. I remember rarely seeing ads that I liked and then when I did I’d click on the handle and not be attracted to the person. So when we broke up creating an ad wasn’t high on my dating app to do list. And when Lex was created I didn’t jump on it.
I joked that I was too shallow for Lex, but I actually don’t think it’s shallow to get a lot of vibes and energy from a person’s picture! Anyway, a month ago I was banned from Tinder and tweeted about it and Jen Richards told me to join Lex and she met her fiancée on Lex so who was I to argue?
Dani Janae: This was not my first Lex ad. I’ve actually done many. I was very into it when it first became a thing on Instagram and loved the attention and followers I would get as a result, but I rarely met anyone I was interested in dating because they were usually too far away.
I got on Lex pretty soon after the app launched because I loved the idea of a text-based platform and being wooed by someone’s wit over their face. I’ve gone on a couple Lex dates that usually ended in mutual rejections/silence after so I haven’t met my wife yet but I’m still hopeful.
Drew: Oh yeah I should clarify back in Personals days I did find people who seemed cool but they were all far away. I didn’t know yet that falling for people in other states and countries is actually a major part of queer dating. lol
Shelli: Drew, I agree — I don’t find it shallow to get vibes from someone’s photo. Needing to be physically attracted to someone doesn’t mean that you’re a horrible person. Back when Lex was Personals on IG, I originally just read the ads and didn’t have any intent on reaching out to anyone as I was fresh out of a breakup, but when I posted one and got responses I immediately went to their profiles to see if the attraction was there.
Drew: Right! But here’s the thing. I am a writer so actually as I started writing this ad I was like oh I like being able to present myself this way…
Shelli: Dani I know that you are seeking a Taurus wife, I can promise you that your witty, hot, Taurean queen is just an ad or two away.
Dani Janae: Oh yeah I always check IG to see if the person is hot or not. Thank you for your support Shelli!
Shelli: That’s exactly where I was about to go with it.
Drew: Soooooo many people don’t include their instagram handles though!
Dani Janae: So many!
Drew: I simply am not going to message or respond to someone if I have no idea what they look like. Who has time for that! Their ad would have to be like next level amazing.
Shelli: I think we all had the same response to that — no IG handle, no response. And I don’t think it was just for reasons of physical attraction at least it wasn’t for me.
Drew: No you can learn so much about a person by how they present themself online!
Shelli: I have the same worry I have on any other dating app — a bunch of cis men will find a way to sneak into my lesbian inbox. On Lex though it’s easier for them to hide.
Drew: Ah that’s a good point. I’m so trusting I hadn’t even considered catfishing. I was just like oh I need a vibe. But that’s really true!
Dani Janae: Oooo I never thought of that!
Drew: I think if someone messaged me and their message was really good I might reply without an insta, but their message would have to be really really good. It takes energy to have that initial dating app convo. If I don’t know if the attraction is there why would I waste either of our time?
Shelli: When I was creating my ad it wasn’t necessarily to attract dates but, as Dani said earlier, it’s nice to have some attention. So I didn’t really worry about settings when it came to age or location but I did want to see if people could follow directions. The app being so text based you’d think they would be able to but only 3 of the responses I got did what I told them to and gave me a compliment or told me about skincare.
Drew: Come on people !
Shelli: I wanted to talk about the feel that y’all got from the app.
Lex is supposed to be an app that is mostly directed towards lesbians. When it was originally released, so many of us, including myself, were excited because it felt like we were finally getting an app that would allow us to cruise, flirt and, honestly, fuck. Gay men have so many of these apps (Grindr, Scruff, etc) but they aren’t really available for us. I felt that original wave of hookup excitement but as time passed and I would check Lex here and there — it went from people posting about wanting to get fucked for the entire weekend their roommate was away to looking for someone to hold hands with for 7 hours straight — and this was in a pre-COVID world.
When I got back on this time for our review, it kind of felt the same. I know we live in a time where we can’t be physical but it felt like the app was full of sweetness and not enough sex — did yall get the same vibe?
My last thought on it though – I’m not sure if an app did come out where It would tell me if a dyke was 0.08 miles away from me I would use it. Mainly for safety reasons and worrying that cis men would hop on and try to do me harm in some way. Ugh, it fucking sucks to have that fear.
Drew: Okay so I love when I’m wrong and I have to say that I was wrong about Lex. Because I sort of love it?? I think I underestimated after so much time on Tinder how great it would feel to be on an app that really feels like ours. I don’t disagree with your assessment. I’d say most of the ads are either like “hold my hand gently” or “stick your fist inside me and call me daddy” and sometimes I’m like both things sound cool but can we like get a bit more about you?? So practically speaking I guess I haven’t had the best luck but I’m just so charmed by the whole thing!
Two out of the three people I talked to are people I previously knew in community and it was sort of great to “run into them” especially during the pandemic when that can’t happen otherwise.
I will say… I sort of wish there was a limit of one ad per person per month instead of SIX. Sometimes the feed gets clogged with one lonely queer looking for some cuddles posting over and over.
Dani Janae: Shelli, I feel that 100%. The first months of Lex were frenzied and horny and I loved it so much. Even if I didn’t match with anyone I loved the energy. Now it’s people talking about longing and dread and looking for roommates? The shift has been so disheartening.
The new lesbian stereotype is that we’re all cottagecore softies that just want to snuggle but I’m a slut who wants to spit in someone’s mouth and I KNOW that’s hard in a COVID world but it’s not impossible.
Drew: Maybe LA is better?? It’s been a real mix for me. Or maybe I just don’t know how good it was in its beginning.
I do have a few ummmmmm notes that mostly fall into like app experience stuff. I wish that you could mute a profile. Like okay I looked at this person’s insta and I’m not into them MUTE never see them again on Lex. And I wish there was a way to keep track of where you are in the scroll? I guess if you could mark an ad as seen and then it disappears from your timeline that would help.
Dani Janae: Being able to mute would be lovely, especially for people that post lots of ads that I don’t vibe with
Shelli: Drew, WOW. Yes, Yes, Yes to muting a profile. As I was scrolling, you are right — I would see 5 different ads from the same account asking for the same type of hugs in different verbiage.
What I did really like was the ease of flagging or reporting a profile, which I unfortunately had to do a few times.
Drew: I also think the messaging feature in general isn’t great. I feel like pretty quickly I want to be like okay either this is a no or let’s move this to texting or insta. I wish also you could have a setting where you don’t see ads from people who don’t attach their insta! Like I think there are these really simple tweaks that would drastically increase the time I spend on Lex. I would even expand my settings beyond LA and look for queers all over like in Personals days if the app was more user friendly and I could narrow who I’m seeing more.
Dani Janae: Would agree with that point about a setting to not see profiles without insta attached. I feel like Lex is going for this minimalist set up but it could benefit from having more settings.
Shelli: I think the app is trying to lean into the whole vibe of back in the day where you can sit on your couch and circle the ones you want to respond to while having your morning coffee, but in doing that and making it minimal they left behind some of the features you have to focus on to create a good dating app experience.
Drew: Yes, totally. The thing is we DO have more options now and while the throwback quality is nice in some ways I think there can be a middle ground that takes some useful features from other apps.
Shelli: I’ll just go ahead and say it — I wish they would revert back to placing the ads on Instagram.
Drew: I wish they’d pick like a few ads a day to post on Insta at least. haha
Shelli: Can we chat about the POC representation on the app?
Dani Janae: If I’m not mistaken I remember there was a moment where personals asked you to put if you were white or not in your profile. It was after they got into trouble for lack of POC representation and a Personals for QPOCs was made separate from the original leadership. The dating app crowd seems to lean very white in my area and Lex is no different
Shelli: I’m in Chicago and my responses were also mostly from non POC folks. It wasn’t surprising but it was disappointing. It also goes back to not wanting to see people who don’t have an instagram in their profile — or who do but happen to be private and have Louis Belcher set as their profile photo.
Can’t you only sign up using and IG?
Drew: I’m not sure if you need an insta to sign up? But I do think considering Personals started with needing an insta bringing that back would be kind of nice !
Shelli: Last thing to chat about — did anyone have any connections?
Drew: Well, okay, so one of the people I chatted with didn’t have an insta attached. Hahaha. But I already knew her!
I talked to three people and ignored a whole lot of others. I think some of that is I’m just in a pickier than my usual picky place dating app wise right now.
There was only one stranger I talked to, I reached out based on her ad, and we had a nice chat, but then it fizzled as it often does especially in a pandemic. With Covid cases rising it feels even less likely to actually meet up with someone right now and that can make dating in general feel kind of hopeless.
So it’s weird because I feel pro-Lex after this experiment but it didn’t actually WORK in the most traditional sense. I’m going to keep it on my phone though and continue to check it a couple times a week.
Dani Janae: I didn’t have any luck with Lex this round. I’m blaming the pandemic. Oh I did match with someone my friend hooked up with and we decided it was in our best interest not to pursue each other. lol
I think I’ve just gotten very picky and I know what I want. So I don’t waste time entertaining could-be’s. Lex had a lot of could-be’s but was mostly flat out “no’s.”
Shelli: I ignored quite a few ads too, mostly because like I said, people couldn’t follow simple directions of giving me a compliment and telling me about plants. What did happen though was the few black folks I chatted with I decided to invite to the care kit giveaway that I had and some of them showed up! It was really dope to turn that experience into one where we could connect on a different kind of level and that it happened because we met on Lex.
Drew: Yes! I think because it feels like a queer space I feel very fluid re: outcome with people. I guess I feel that on all apps, but it seems more likely I’d make a friend on Lex than Tinder.
Shelli: I agree, it’s more of a friendship based app now more than anything and even though I am glad to have the connections that I did make that’s not what a dating app should be known for.
Drew: I’m also absolutely posting my ad on my insta when this review comes out because even if Lex is no longer on Insta I sure am and my hot mutuals should be reminded that I am single.
Dani Janae: Co-signing that
Shelli: If you’re looking for a friend vs. a fuck (virtual or non) then maybe it’s the place for you but damn, first we lose lesbian bars and now dating apps too… WHEN WILL IT END.
Drew: I’ll be interested to see what Lex looks like post-pandemic. I think even the most vanilla cottagecore of our community might be feeling wild in 2022.
Shelli: Or maybe it will turn into some sort of marketplace where people are bartering for couches and vaccines.
Dani Janae: I’m also interested. Hopefully everyone will just be overcome with lust and want to fuck again.
Drew: We can dream!
Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try TAIMI, a Whole Ass Social Media Network
Dating Download is a new ongoing series where Shelli, Dani and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on TAIMI.
What’s the app?
TAIMI is the next app up in Dating Download. Launched two years ago as a dating app exclusively for gay men, it’s been rebranded and now claims itself to be “The worlds’ largest and most inclusive LGBTQ+ platform featuring a social network and a dating service”. The app allows you to create an entire social media style profile so you can do things other than swipe and match with potential dates. After you set up your profile you can create stories, post updates to your feed and you can even go live if you want to get into some real-time flirting.
I do love to create…
Shelli:
TAIMI is a whole ass social media network. After I filled out my profile it was asking me If I wanted to post a story or go live like I was on Instagram. I kind of just wanted to get to swiping but instead it sort of kept encouraging me to fill out more information on my profile. When I am filling out my bio I like to keep it to 3 lines and then drop my Instagram, It’s kind of cheating as it’s usually what I do to get around having a premium membership, but I’ve stopped doing that recently because I’m just easing up on the digital access I allow people to have to me.
I started to put up my pictures of course and then something happened, IT REJECTED LIKE 5 OF MY PICTURES! I wasn’t showing too much titty in them but I guess it wasn’t feeling my art school style selfies. After that I started playing around on the app, swiping, reading posts and my favorite part — watching people go live.
When people go live on Instagram, a lot of the time they just want attention. Before all the brands started curating an IG live schedule due to COVID, when I saw people go live they were just putting on make-up and acting like they didn’t like the compliments. on TAIMI folks were not just accepting them but thriving on them and even making cute connections. I spent A LOT of time popping in and out lives, it was like if Love Connection, OnlyFans, and TikTok had a baby and I was the babysitter who sat for free because I loved them so much.
The number of black people on this app was also pretty amazing. When I was swiping I mostly saw POC people and very rarely got any cis men in my stack — Praise Be! TAIMI has groups that you can join that meet specific interest which I think is dope because it’s a way to zero in on people who are into exactly what you are looking for, it could mean less time on the app and more time enjoying people off of it.
Drew:
Right away Taimi made me choose between “female” and “transgender female” to be displayed prominently on my profile. As I said in our last review, I generally don’t like to include my gender on my profile, and I am female and transgender female. When will dating apps learn the word cis?? Supposedly there’s an option to not include any gender but selecting it doesn’t work as evidenced by my profile preview and that every profile I’ve seen has had it displayed. I’m not trying to get hung up on this, but it did sort of influence my entire enthusiasm for the app.
But here’s the trade-off: there are so many trans women on this app! Maybe having transgender female as a separate gender option makes them more heavily suggest trans women than an app like Tinder? It feels complicated for me that the trade-off is knowing plenty of people are actively de-selecting trans women in their settings. Good riddance, I suppose. But it feels weird for an app to openly condone bigotry in that way.
Anyway, it’s great how many trans women there are and that’s really the only thing keeping the app on my phone. I can’t see myself ever maintaining a full social media profile like the app requires for its full use. I already have Twitter and Instagram! I guess there’s something to be said about the app explicitly being for dating, but this slight removal of ambiguity doesn’t justify a whole separate social media account to worry about. Also, personally, maybe this is bad, but if I slide into someone’s DMs on Twitter or Instagram I’m not even doing so necessarily with the intent on dating them. Maybe! But mostly it means I want to get to know them better. What that turns into will depend on our interactions. And if I were to invest time into Taimi I still think that’s how I’d feel! If I don’t know you, I have no way of knowing if I want to date you or befriend you or never talk to you again.
Some practical things. I don’t like that you have to expand to see the entirety of someone’s picture. It’s nice that it doesn’t force you to crop, but this results in the appearance of a weird crop if you’re just quickly navigating. I also don’t like that it notifies you when people visit your profile or even that people like you that you don’t like. I don’t need the ego boost! Knowing people like me who I don’t like just makes me feel sad.
The feature I do really like is the ability to post videos. Watching a 15 second video of someone talking tells you so much more than a photo. I love getting that window into someone’s energy.
Oh! Also, like Shelli it rejected all my sexy photos. They weren’t even nudes! Just like a little bit of cleavage and it rejected it. I don’t see the point in a social media dating app if their guidelines are even stricter than the already strict rules of Instagram.
I am many things actually!!
Dani Janae:
Reviewing TAIMI was my idea. I found out about it on a twitter thread where the OP was asking what apps poc were using to find hookups; I was curious as someone looking for hookups but also looking for my Taurus wife (my DMs are open). I will say that is one thing that has impressed me about TAIMI off the bat, the number of black women on it is way more than I’ve encountered on any other dating app. This is a draw for me, I don’t necessarily exclude white women from my dating pool but I highly prefer to date other women of color.
I find the app itself to be pretty sleek and sexy. Something about the black layout really does it for me. I like that you get a full view of a person’s photos and can swipe left or right to dismiss/match. One thing I don’t necessarily like is that you get a notification when anyone likes you. You also get notified when someone views your page like its linkedin. Which means they get a notification when you’ve viewed their page. I like to do my creeping in privacy so that feature is one I could certainly do without. TAIMI sends you notifications when someone is near you, which I suppose is very similar to Grindr but it freaked me out a little bit. Like I once passed someone in a store and then got a notification about it moments later. It’s just not the best part about the app you know?
The app is like Shelli once described it, “facebook, instagram, and tinder all in one.” You can post stories and statuses, add captions to your many pics. There is so much going on with this app, maybe a little too much. I get the impulse to want to set yourself apart and go beyond just being a dating app to being a social networking platform. But seeing as it was pitched to me as a hookup app, I don’t really use much of the other features except for swiping. I do like this app. I’ve matched with a few people and started some conversations that could be going somewhere, I’m not sure yet. I do want to reiterate that the demographic for this app is super diverse, it’s definitely within my comfort age range unlike XO and seems to have way more promising matches.
It’s not not an ego boost
Shelli:
You will get a lot out of this app if you have the time to dedicate to it. It’s essentially adding another social media profile to the others I am sure you already have, and actually keeping up with it.
It’s not as easy as swipe and match, there are about four steps in between the two when you’re using TAIMI. The people I matched with were asking why I hadn’t posted to my wall, or when I would go live, they were wanting more information about me to be on the app which was a fair ask. I am used to asking for or giving out my IG or Twitter handle by the 3rd message so the person I’ve matched with can go there to learn more about me. TAIMI is set up so that you don’t have to do that. But just like with other social media, you have to be diligent and actually participate on the app if what you are seeking out of it is interaction and connection.
So while this one isn’t for me because I am not looking to maintain another social profile, it’s allure is attractive. I got to call myself a “Circuit Queen Activist Top” and while I’m still not entirely sure what that means I am forever grateful to TAIMI for introducing me to it.
Drew:
I feel like I can’t really criticize the success of this app, because I haven’t invested the time to use it thoroughly. My profile isn’t much different than my standard Tinder profile. I didn’t even record a video despite liking that feature! I think it might just not be for me. It’s a bummer, because I wish Tinder had this many trans women and I could see myself returning to it someday for that reason alone. But mid-pandemic I just don’t have the energy.
I really, really, really wish they would change their gender settings. I really, really do.
Dani Janae:
Again I’ll say I do like this app. I need to be better about using its other features as well as the more hookup centered ones. I think it’s a cool concept and stylistic is an app I enjoy way more than any I’ve encountered. I will say it was unusually difficult to change my settings because…I couldn’t find them lol. There are so many avenues and pathways to go down because of TAIMI’s many functions that I think basic things like adjusting your age range get lost in the shuffle. If you have the time to dedicate to exploring all of its functions it will be well worth the download.
Be the Circuit Queen Activist Top you want to see in the world
Every Opening Line I’ve Received and Sent on Tinder Since the Pandemic Began
I love dating. I’ve tried to fight this truth. I’ve tried to say I love meeting new people or I love romance, but that’s a lie. I genuinely love the act of dating. Or at least I did before the pandemic.
So many of the pleasures of dating — including off-line dating — have been taken away by our isolation. It seems like every day I log onto Twitter dot com to discover another mutual of mine somehow found a pandemic soulmate, but for me forming long term connections has felt hopeless. And yet I keep swiping! Because, again, I love dating. Even under the circumstances.
There have been several people who I’ve matched with and started talking to and even FaceTimed with only for it to eventually fizzle out. It’s not that it’s totally impossible to see someone safely — it just takes a lot more effort. I spent all summer in my friend’s one-bedroom apartment and if someone else was also able to isolate we could have met up. But that’s a lot of commitment for a first date and it’s hard enough finding someone you like, let alone like and who has a similar relationship to pandemic safety as you. And yet I’ve kept swiping.
Throughout the pandemic I’ve gone through periods where I really enjoyed chatting with people on apps, and periods where nothing could interest me less. Sometimes swiping is less about actually meeting people and more about remembering that other people exist. When faced with actually forming a texting relationship, the exhaustion of the moment can make that feel impossible. Dating is always a bit Sisyphean, but during the pandemic so many of the things that make it worth it are gone.
Sometimes someone will message me and I won’t respond not because I’m not interested in them, but because I’m just not interested in anyone. I’ve definitely messaged first a lot less in recent months than I did in the beginning of quarantine or before this all began.
I started thinking about the opening lines people send to me and I send to people and wondered if there was any consistency in when they lead to conversation and more. The answer? Not really! It seems to have much more to do with our moods and how much we like each other — at least on my end.
But what I discovered instead was a sort of pandemic dating log. Even now — especially now — we’re still looking for connection and whether we express that in a “hi” or in a wordy flirt I think it’s really lovely to witness. Dating might suck sometimes, but it’s also a space where people are vulnerable and take risks and learn about others and themselves. Even if I haven’t fallen in love, I’m grateful for the people I’ve met and the virtual moments we’ve shared. I’m grateful to have something that pushes me to keep swiping — even if all evidence says just wait until 2022.
Dating Download: Three Lesbians Try the XO Dating App So You Don’t Have to
Dating Download is a new ongoing series where Shelli, Dani and Drew try out the latest or most overlooked of dating apps so you don’t have to. Today they’re giving you the full download on XO.
But first, why are they even doing this, and what can you get out of it?
Here’s Shelli to tell you:
Aside from being able to work with Dani & Drew and creating one of my new favorite slack channels — I love dating and I love learning about all aspects of it. I give a lot of sex and dating advice and need to stay up on what’s occurring in both of those spheres. I have used dating apps in the past but not as my main source of meeting people to kick it with. I am very comfortable going up to the person at the party that has caught my attention and flirting with them until we at least exchange Instagram handles. When I go dating in the digital realm I use social media instead. Sliding in DMs and quote tweet flirting to my hearts’ content.
By using social media as a pseudo dating app in the past, I was able to get a little background on the person beyond their photo and a few lines in a profile. When you’re on the apps they can be a major miss when you’re a queer, lesbian identifying, black woman. You don’t know who is fetishizing you, if someone is trying to use you as a tool to undo their learned racist behaviors or honestly if a girl is going to match with you just to say 3 messages later her cishet boyfriend just wants to see her with a girl.
The pandemic started basically at the beginning of outside seasons. The opportunity to go for walks and lust in person at a distance was more attainable. But now that we are about to learn what Miss Rona’s twice removed cousin Influenza is about to bring to the party we need to be extra careful. So since using apps is truly the safest way to meet people and fulfill your dating needs, I wanna see what it’s really like out here in these digital streets.
Shelli’s settings:
Distance – 50 Miles // I won’t feel bad about not giving you gas money up to this distance.
Age – 32-45 // The closer to 45 the better.
My main app pic
Drew:
I am fascinated by dating apps. I prefer to meet people in person and I find I connect with people easier when meeting them in person — or at least on Instagram and Twitter — but the fascination with dating apps continues. I think I like the reminder of all the people out in the world. I like to screenshot absurd profiles and send them to my friends. I love the excitement of a match, the fun of the first flirts. I’ve only met two people on dating apps that led to good experiences and neither was anything serious, but I continue to love the act of using dating apps.
Pre-pandemic dating apps were very much just a supplement to meeting people in person. But now it’s basically all we have except DM slides. The past six months I’ve been on Tinder constantly. I’ve met so many people — people who I’ve talked to for hours via text, on the phone, on FaceTime and Zoom. Ultimately, sure, I guess I’m looking to fall in love and be like wow can’t believe that happened on Tinder. But I don’t really expect it. Even during the pandemic it’s more the fun of possibility and meeting a new person and having a reason to put on makeup and get butterflies in my stomach.
One of my two positive dating app experiences came from when I was reviewing a shitty dating app earlier this year. So while I’d love to say that I’m just participating in this for research or because it’s fun to work with Shelli and Dani, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a tiny voice in my head that thinks whether an app is good or not I might meet someone. And for that to happen under the guise of working? Well, I am a Capricorn!
Drew’s settings:
Distance – 10 miles // I used to have my distance settings wider because LA is so spread out, but when someone travels too far it increases the stakes. I don’t want to feel pressured to have sex with somebody because they drove an hour to see me. I’ll save my long distance flirting and pining for Instagram and Twitter.
Age – 26-44 // I match with way more people when I lower the age and occasionally I do — I think maybe people in their early 20s are more comfortable with transness — but I’ve always been someone who prefers to date older. My ideal is 28-34. It’s not that I would never date someone a year or two younger than me, but I think it’s unlikely I’d meet them on an app.
Drew’s go-to photo
Dani Janae:
I’m very interested in dating and dating culture, especially the stigma that exists around meeting people online. I find that in people my age and older, we were around for the genesis of dating apps. From those old ads for Match.com to the fevered, swiping culture we exist in now. Things have changed vastly but there is still this feeling of “oh you met on an app? As if meeting people in person has more merit and guarantees a longer lasting relationship.
I myself am an app hound. Everytime a new one drops I’m on it. I find online dating and apps to be more accessible to me. I technically have four jobs, most of them being in creative fields. That kind of work takes a lot out of me and at the end of the day the last thing I often want to do is go be around other people. Dating apps give me the unique and tailored experience of getting one on one interactions with people who I think are hot and interesting. In fact we’ve both mutually agreed we find each other hot and interesting. Much of the guess work is done! I think it’s so cool and fun, even when I don’t enjoy every aspect of the app. When that happens I at least have something to tweet about.
I’m interested in reviewing these apps because hey, why not? It might help someone with a busy life such as my own narrow down what app works best for their lifestyle. I’m so interested in seeing how friendly these apps are to people identify like me: fat, black, lesbian women, and those that don’t hold those identities. Now that we are in a pandemic, apps have become my primary way of communicating with people, friends or current/potential lovers. My twitter and instagram DMs are always open but I like committing myself to the dating app experience. I’m definitely hoping to find someone during this little experiment so we’ll see how well that goes. Will I find love? You’ll have to stay tuned.
Dani Janae’s Settings:
Age: 26 – 47, I’m 27 so 25-27 is like the lowest I will go comfortably. The older the better in my opinion so when a person gets close to that 47 I’m not concerned.
Distance: 159 miles, I had to go out this far because there was no one near me. Even with these settings I get a person come across every couple days and then nothing for a while.
My go to dating app pic
What’s the app?
This week we are reviewing the new dating app XO! A dating app that wants to rewrite the rules of finding love online by using games as its main source of helping users find connections. It’s one of the newer dating apps on the scene and what truly intrigued us most was their promise of prioritizing inclusivity. The creators encourage playfulness as a way to build a more authentic bond from the very start. We downloaded, added our photos and got to flirting – well, attempted to anyway. Read on for our reviews!!
Write your own: Bette, Alice, Dana
Shelli:
I was expecting XO to be sort of like all the others but with the added help of using a game as an icebreaker instead of, I don’t know — saying hi?
Right from the start, I loved the minimalism of the app. It’s pretty clean, the graphics are simple but cute and it’s very user friendly. After that, most of it went downhill for me.
When I started swiping I ran out of options pretty fast. My settings aren’t all that wild so I just chalked it up to it being a newer app on the scene that may not have had many users yet. When I opened up my settings a bit more though, I started getting cishet men in my deck of users to swipe on. When I signed up, I specifically selected to not see or be seen by that demographic but soon they were all I was seeing, which made me want to not use the app anymore and question its inclusive stance.
I rearranged my settings so that I could match with Drew and actually play some of the games. The few we played wouldn’t exactly encourage me to start up a conversation though, it felt more like I was on Words with Friends as opposed to a dating app. The quizzes were fun, they reminded me of the early Buzzfeed days! Some of them, like “Which dictator would you be?” and “What kind of emotional terrorist are you?” might need to be removed though.
Drew:
Over the years I’ve used Tinder, Bumble, Grindr, Her, and Fiori — but only the first two for significant periods of time. Generally I just stick to Tinder. It has the most people and I find that it can be whatever you make of it and I like that. But it’s obviously not the most palatable place for a queer trans woman and I’m interested in higher concept apps so I’m always intrigued by new options.
XO’s concept is that games can function as an icebreaker over a potentially awkward first message. Whether you’re someone who is hesitant to message first or not I do think there’s something to the kinds of original conversations that can be born from an activity. It’s why pre-pandemic museum dates were my favorite kind of date.
Every app calls for different pictures and a different tone so when I first try a new app I may default to my Tinder usuals, but then I’ll quickly adjust. With XO I decided to cut one of my five pictures and not add a bunch of info beyond the bio I use on Tinder. I stopped selecting a gender on apps long ago because “transgender female” always felt like a warning or an apology and it should be neither. My transness is important to me and it’ll likely come up quickly, but for me personally having it on my profile centered it in a way that started to feel wrong. I think I’m pretty visibly trans anyway. But sometimes I do match with people and when they realize I’m trans they unmatch. I think maybe part of me wants to experience that to validate what I can sometimes only sense. That said I did appreciate that XO left space to write in any gender you want.
Dani Janae:
In general, I have very little hope for dating apps. The last person I had a meaningful relationship with I met because she was at an event I performed at. My last few months of dating app interactions have left me certain that I won’t find anyone on an app and will have to go back to meeting people in person. Well, in the middle of a pandemic with all my performances getting cancelled or going online, I’m heavily back on the apps. I usually keep it to Tinder so I was super excited to try a new app with a different gimmick than other ones I’ve seen.
The general layout of XO is pretty cute. I like that it moves away from the swipe right, swipe left model of other apps, even though my fingers have that impulse when I’m scrolling. I think the font is a little cutesy but I’m picky about that kind of stuff. I do like that there are games, I’ve only played a few of them, they take up a pretty small amount of time and would be a great ice breaker. I haven’t actually matched with anyone yet so I’m hopeful to see what its like to hinge a conversation around one of these games.
One thing that might be controversial but that I really liked was the option to put your race and ethnicity on your profile. As someone that strongly prefers to date other black women or WOC, it’s nice to have someone self identify so I don’t have to do the guess work. It could of course. My big issue with the app is that there’s no one one it, and the people that are on it are too young for me. I got big mommy issues and love older women so putting my settings down to where they are was a big deal for me.
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- This feels like queer pandering and I appreciate it.
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- Like all dating apps, cis men will find you no matter your selection.
Shelli:
XO seems to be more for those who have a hard time starting a conversation, but if that’s everyone on the app I feel like y’all are just going to keep playing games and no one will actually talk, save for a LOL or two during a game.
The Wingman option, where an unknown third person is dropped into the chat to boost it if it stalls, seems like too much pressure and simply doesn’t translate well into a digital space. I do see it possibly encouraging people to not ghost and be more upfront about not continuing on if the initial interest doesn’t go past a few messages.
It also skews way younger, feels like it’s more for the TikTok youth of the world. The sort of app you use when a few friends are over and could use a cheap laugh after your 3rd Smirnoff Ice.
I prefer it if there were just one or two games; there are too many options and the games need to be more personality-based. You drawing a chicken and me guessing what it is will not help me learn if you’re going to look at me disgusted when I ask you to spit in my mouth.
This app isn’t for me; I don’t like the game aspect. It’s a bit too cutesy and unless you’re bored with swiping and just want to play literal games, then I doubt it will be for you either.
Drew:
I am not the target audience for this app for a couple reasons. 1) I agree with Shelli it definitely skews younger and 2) I’m not someone who is too scared to message people on dating apps.
THAT SAID. There are things about this app I like. Mainly I think the game aspect provides an activity and given the pandemic preventing normal dating an activity of any kind might be welcome. Shelli and I matched so we could play some of the games and I do think they’re the right brand of silly for this kind of thing. I also really like how your profile can prominently display your sun sign with a cute little graphic. In fact, I enjoyed all the cute little graphics and the general layout of the app.
The biggest problem right now is there just aren’t that many people on the app. I even majorly extended my age and distance settings and still quickly swiped through the available people. I’m not sure how a new dating app attracts the needed customers to make it usable but XO doesn’t feel like it’s there yet.
This would never be my app of choice, but I can see its appeal for people who feel trapped in dating app small talk — especially if more people joined.
Dani Janae:
Once this app gets more people on it I think it will be pretty fun. It’s easy to rely on the familiarity and the comfort of a Tinder or OkCupid but giving these smaller, more adventurous apps a try might be the way of the future. The app seems to be popping with the 18-21 age range, probably because of the game aspect, but once more people hear about it I’m sure the range will get a little wider. I’m still using other apps way more than this one, and as I’ve said, haven’t found a match yet so it definitely won’t be my go to but it has potential.
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- Swipe right.
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- The most common image on this app.
IRL Dating Is Canceled, but Animal Crossing Is Perfect for Cute Queer Dates
Did you know that Animal Crossing is beloved by shit tons of queer people? Yep! It has gotten really chill about gender, your neighbors will refer to you and other villagers using neutral pronouns, and, of course, you will find the scruffy sneaker-beanie outfit of your dreams along with the most femme looks you’ve ever dreamed up (that is, if you have enough Nook Miles to land the extra hairstyles).
I’ve been playing Animal Crossing since I discovered it in a Blockbuster when I was a pre-teen. I’ve gone through the original Gamecube game, transitioned on over to the Nintendo DS, hopped onto the Wii for Animal Crossing: City Folk, and made my way over to the Nintendo Switch (yes, I bought it just to play AC) for New Horizons in March. Like lots of other quarantined folks, I’m beginning to feel a little antsy for the outdoors. I typically don’t go many places, but feeling like I can’t, or shouldn’t, has me craving sand and grass and sunshine. One little, seemingly insignificant thing I’m missing? Dates.
Sweetly enough, it’s possible to have a shocking number of cute ass dates on Animal Crossing. I’m lucky to be quarantined with my girlfriend, but we’re running low on date opportunities. How many times can we sit in this room, or that one, and look at this wall, or this one, before it feels stagnant? A pillow fort or dinner in bed is only cute and fun a few times before you’re like, wow, remember when we could go to art museums and flirt at the plant store? So, date idea: I’ve been playing ACNH for almost twenty years, my girlfriend is new at it, and we’ve started playing together. It’s become something that makes me feel both deeply seen and heard and adored to have someone take me seriously when I’m like, “Hey, I mailed you a gift!” on a video game and she’s actually excited to open her mail and see what I bought her with my bells that I should, for sure, be giving to Tom Nook to pay off this home loan. Beyond precious letters, New Horizons has so many opportunities to explore (indoors, and outdoors! Remember that?) and I’m here for the queers making it the ~hottest date spot~ around.
Where to go on dates on your ACNH island
We’ve got a museum. And have you been in that museum? We’re talking levels, people. Nothing says first love like sitting next to each other, sweet and nervous, on a bench by a tank full of cute little fish. And if you’re feeling bold, you can turn your characters little bodies together and put their little toes together. And they move! In tandem! Tandem toes! Much smoother than anything many of us can finagle in real life.
We’ve got a beach. Do you not miss the beach? Change that clock to sunset (or don’t if you think time jumping is “cheating,” but like… come on. If you were ever going to cheat, it would be now, right?) and meet someone cute at the sand. Throw down a lighthouse with those Nook miles. Plop on some matching beach towels.
All of the opportunities for fires! We all look cuter in the light of a fire. Turn up your volume and listen to that little crackle. Ooh. Steamy. Maybe set up a campfire. Look in each other’s eyes. It’s on.
How to ask someone on a ACNH date
Established partners can definitely find new ways to find love on ACNH. It offers a new space to connect, and to build new ways to communicate. “We call it “frolicking,’” explains Miranda Manier, 22, a queer student studying television in Chicago who goes on ACNH dates with her transmasc partner; they’re separated by quarantine. “One of us will ask if the other wants to ‘frolic’ and then I’ll usually go to his island, because he time skips so his is much prettier haha.”
She continues, saying, “When we first see each other, and whenever we get excited, we run in circles around each other, and if it’s raining we’ll stop every so often to twirl our umbrellas at each other as a little flourish, like our own private ‘I love you” reaction.”
In case you doubted the magic of the New Horizons museum, Manier agrees that it’s highkey the best date spot the game offers. “We go to the museum a lot,” Manier says, “because there’s always new stuff and fun places to sit. We like to sit on benches and face each other so we can watch little us play footsie. We also recently started playing ‘tag,’ where we’ll hit each other with our nets and then go run off and try to outrun each other.”
Raven, 29, a queer person based in Virginia, also plays games with their girlfriend on ACNH. “Since my girlfriend and I share an island, we don’t do very much in-game flirting,” she said. “If we do, we usually fish together and hit each other with our nets lol.” So how do you initiate such a thing? “There’s no need to be anxious about it! If ACNH is your thing,” Raven says. “Even your noob partner will be able to appreciate the cuteness even if they don’t understand the game.”
How to flirt with a stranger on ACNH, because yes, it’s a thing
If you’re single or looking for a new person to flirt with, you might also find ACNH to be a really good dating opp??? I know in my heart that Isabelle, resident (lowkey, unofficial, but definite) cottagecore lesbian, would be proud. Aubrey Casazza, 26, a lesbian illustrator based in Ohio, has been playing since the Gamecube era in 2002. Casazza has found New Horizons surprisingly helpful for something typically reserved for gay coffee shops and our IG DMs: flirting. “Okay, so this girl slid in my DMs” she told me. “I wasn’t expecting it to turn flirty, so I told her for now that I wanted to be friends, but in general, I can still be a little bit of a flirt, especially in quarantine.”
They visited each other’s islands, and it was time. “Her island was in golden hour. She had so many flowers… the definition of lesbian cottage core. We were just chatting in the field and she used the ‘shy’ emote, which is essentially blushing. I used the ‘bashful’ emote. Honestly? It felt nice. When I complimented the flowers, she offered to give me her extra roses.”
Dating on ACNH might seem silly, especially with everything going on, but people are finding it to be a really great way to avoid that feeling of isolation and loneliness. “It really really helps this distance,” Manier told me. “Even if it’s not the same as actually being in the same room as each other, it’s so nice to dress up for each other and give each other presents and feel some kind of real time connection. The other night I actually started crying, because it made me really emotional to see ‘us’ together, being close and spending quality time, even if we can’t actually do that face to face.”
And trust me, there’s interest in random virtual dates. When I tweeted out the call for sources for this piece, Katie Speller, a friend and editor, responded, “can i reply to this so a cute girl will ask me on an animal crossing date?? bc i’d love to show off my house full of bugs.” So, make moves, people. There’s interest.
Where are you going on ACNH dates? Did you make a little farmer’s market on your island so you can invite over your crushes and impress them with your DIY abilities? Help us flirt from home.
I Tried New Trans Dating App Fiori and All I Got Was This Personal Essay
Cis people are known for their stupid questions.
One particular question I’ve been asked a lot since I broke up with my ex a year ago is: “Would you ever date another trans woman?”
Sometimes it’s a genuine inquiry. Sometimes it’s framed as a gotcha. How can you expect real lesbians to have sex with your penis if you won’t have sex with someone else’s? I can feel them salivating with this follow-up question. Of course I would date another trans woman, I reply. That’s when they clarify that they meant a trans woman with a penis. Of course, I say again. And then they stop talking.
The fact is dating other trans women was a major factor in opening and then ending my last relationship. Yes, I generally wanted the experience of dating for the first time as a woman and a queer person. But I also explicitly wanted to explore my sexuality with someone whose body was more like mine – and, more importantly, whose experience of gender was more like mine.
It took me a damn year.
Sometimes it feels like nothing scares trans women more than queer cis women.
Considering the physical danger, explicit transphobia, and array of other bullshit my trans women friends who date men receive, I’m always fascinated by their morbid curiosity around my dating life. But – whether fairly or unfairly – the reputation of cis lesbian community is not a positive one. And while cis straight men certainly aren’t better, there’s a specific pain of being told you aren’t a woman from other women.
I constantly remind people that TERFs on the internet are not indicative of the average cis lesbian. But the truth is in my year of dating I’ve encountered plenty of transphobia and cissexism – it just tends to be more subtle. From queer cis women – and AFAB non-binary people – I’ve been explicitly rejected due to my transness, implicitly rejected due to my transness, listened to a barrage of genital-based microaggressions, and had sex with people who – sometimes in the moment – I realized were fetishizing my trans body in a way we usually only expect from cis men.
This isn’t everyone, of course. I’d say the vast majority of AFAB people I meet in lesbian community are trans women-inclusive – even if they don’t always say the right thing or haven’t had sex with any trans women before me. But it’s still pervasive enough to make my desire to be with other trans women all the more present. And it’s still pervasive enough to scare others away and make that difficult.
Being in lesbian community was never a question for me. It was my raison d’être for transitioning. Sexuality and gender are not the same, but my sexuality is explicitly tied to my gender – if not in who I’m actually having sex with then the culture and presentation that tends to accompany it. To put it simply, I identified as a lesbian long before I identified as a woman. I didn’t know what that meant and felt guilty for those thoughts, but I always surrounded myself with queer women, dated queer women, and cared about queer women culture. My transness does not preclude me from the same coming-of-age fascinations as cis women queers.
Trans women are just as likely to be queer as cis women – in fact, more likely. But many don’t share my love of this culture opting instead to form community with each other or separate from queer community altogether. I’m certainly not the only trans woman to wade through specific lesbian world transphobia – trust me, I am like other girls – but it’s not common enough to create a vast dating pool. Within the trans women inclusive spaces I spend my time, I’m not always the only one – but I’m usually one of two or three.
This is one reason I feel so invested in trans women characters appearing on shows like The L Word: Generation Q. Lesbian community desperately needs a rebranding. These spaces actually are safe for trans women and I want people to know that.
Please. Join us. Date me.
I stopped using dating apps in November, because they were making me miserable. Before my breakup I had never used them and – while exciting the first few months – I quickly remembered why. Maybe an oversaturation of media consumption has me tied to meet-cutes or maybe it really is the limitations of a dating profile, but I’m rarely drawn to people on apps the way I am literally everywhere else.
I found myself only swiping right when I was drunk and depressed and then I’d wake up the next morning and feel dread with every match. My first year post-breakup I’d only had one good experience from a dating app. Everyone else I’d met in person. Apps are just tools and this tool wasn’t working for me so I deleted it.
But over the next three months I didn’t find myself dating organically – I didn’t date at all. Except for a long overdue hookup with a friend and one surprisingly delightful one night stand, I wasn’t even having sex.
Then something strange happened. Sober, during the day, not particularly struck with loneliness, I had the desire to redownload Tinder.
I had a message from November already waiting for me – from a trans woman.
I told her that I’d been off the app and then responded to her opening line three months late. We chatted a bit about astrology – both Capricorn suns and Taurus moons, she an Aquarius rising, me a Leo – and then she asked if I wanted to hang out. She clarified that she had no expectations beyond new friends.
I told her I would love that adding: “I do think you’re cute too for the record, but no expectations :)”
We scheduled drinks for the next day.
I walked to the bar thinking what a welcome change a trans woman Capricorn was from all my AFAB air and fire signs. I wondered if maybe it was time to abandon the pride I take in my attraction to signs astrologically worst for me – Geminis, Libras, Aquariuses, Aries, Sagittariuses – and instead connect with someone supposedly more like myself.
The date was lovely – conversation was easy and comfortable. She invited me back to her place and I said yes. When she turned on her record player and Anti was playing I knew we were going to have sex.
Afterwards I found out that she’d mistyped. She’s actually an Aquarius sun, not a Capricorn. Not just an air sign – my ex’s air sign. It made sense.
That’s as much as I can share about the experience, because it doesn’t feel like my story to tell. Earlier in the night she revealed that she’s only been out for a year and that she has no trans women friends. My first encounters with other trans women were so meaningful – I can’t even imagine how I would’ve felt if sex was involved.
It was also my first time being with another trans woman, but the night simply wasn’t about me. And that’s okay. First times don’t have to be anything other than a first time.
I may not have felt what I wanted to feel. I may not have left her house knowing whether or not I wanted to see her again. But our night together had confirmed what I’d assumed for over a year – I wanted to have sex with other trans women.
Two days later an ad popped up for a new “trans-friendly” dating app called Fiori. I immediately downloaded it.
Fiori is a mess.
The first question the app asks is for you to choose your “Gender Identity or Expression.” You can only choose one and the options are as follows: trans woman, trans man, xdresser, nonbinary, queer, woman, man.
Apparently this trans-specific app isn’t familiar with the word cis. I don’t even know where to begin with the inclusion of the word queer.
I made my profile with the same five pictures I have on my Tinder and the app said my last photo didn’t pass moderation. I’m topless lying down on my bed, but not even a nipple is showing. I found a way around it – taking a screenshot during the upload process seemed to stall their moderation – but I was still annoyed.
The interface looks similar to Grindr – you browse profiles and can send “Wows” or messages to anyone you like. There are ways to filter which identities you see, but you can’t filter from their preferences. The vast majority of trans women on this app are only looking for “men” – some looking for “trans men” as well – and you have to individually click on their profiles to see if someone might be queer.
Expecting a lot of cis men to message me I made this my bio:
I write about movies and TV shows for a lesbian website.
You wouldn’t believe how little I care about cis men.
Cap sun/Sag Venus
I immediately got a “Wow” from several cis men, and one messaged me saying, “I hope you’re someone I can always talk to and get to share my deepest feelings with.” Okay, buddy.
I found two queer trans women relatively in my area but I wasn’t into them. I had to scroll all the way down to Mexico City and Ivano-Frankivs’k, Ukraine to find people I wanted to message. Neither responded which is probably for the best – if I could afford to date trans women a plane ride away I’d just date my number one Instagram crush.
I had to scroll to Philadelphia and Utica, New York to find two cis women on the app. Utica asked, “So you’re a trans?” and Philadelphia asked me what cis meant and then said she was a “transfan” but had never dated anyone trans – she had hooked up with “a nonbinary.”
I also got a message from a nearby twenty year old cis queer woman. My age settings are 25-42 on all my apps, but that didn’t show up for her, because the other thing about Fiori is its functionality is low to say the least.
The “Wows” and messages from cis men continued rolling in and I began to write a simple negative review of this app with jokes like, “Okay you’re sort of cute, but you only have one picture, no info about yourself, and you live in fucking Long Beach.”
But then someone new joined the app and messaged me.
I’m going to call this person Van, because she lives in Van Nuys and it’s a testament to how hot she is that my Echo Park-living, no car-having self was willing to travel to her.
After complimenting each other, we slipped into easy messaging small talk – how’s your day, where are you from, what part of the city do you live in. Then she said we should grab a drink sometime and despite it being 8pm I suggested we do it now.
I’ve never met up with someone from an app like that. I’ve never gone directly to someone’s apartment either. I’m usually a very cautious Capricorn. But I have electrolysis on Wednesdays and knew I wouldn’t be able to shave most of the week. And my roommate was filming a movie in our house so it was too loud to get work done anyway. I downed two shots of tequila and ordered a car.
It wasn’t until I was in the Lyft that I realized I probably should’ve asked for her Instagram handle or some sort of confirmation of her identity. She was certainly hot enough to be a catfish. I shared my location with a couple friends and hoped for the best.
I walked into her very dark apartment complex, made my way up the stairs, and knocked on her door. My stomach tightened as I waited for the door to open and reveal a middle aged man. But no. There she was – exactly like her picture.
Van invited me into her studio and I met one of her cats and sat on her bed as she uncorked a bottle of wine. She mentioned she was an escort and then apologized for not telling me ahead of time. The thought flashed across my mind that this wasn’t actually a date and that’s the explanation for why this incredibly hot person was into me – but then I realized she was just apologizing for not telling me, because some people are really whorephobic. I told her it was obviously fine and then we chatted a bit about the clients she’d seen that day.
We started talking about astrology and added each other on Co–Star. Then this Sagittarius sun, Scorpio Venus kissed me. We kept talking and kissing and talking and kissing each as easy and pleasurable as the other.
She went to pour herself another glass of wine before saying that she shouldn’t drink too much, because another date said it made her really loud and a lot. I laughed and told her she should feel free to be loud and a lot. And she was – in the best way – and it was adorable.
We kept hooking up and she told me she was a switch but wanted me to fuck her. I told her I was also a switch, but had never done that before – never fucked someone in the ass with my penis. I don’t usually fuck people with my penis anymore in general. But with her I wanted to. She asked if I was sure and I said yes.
I didn’t quite fit and it was a bit painful for me – some sort of epic irony that cis men everywhere are desperate for an extra inch and I have a decently-sized penis I couldn’t care less about – but with enough lube we eventually got it and it started to feel good. It was also just so hot to be there with her and be inside of her and watch her feel good.
The last time I fucked someone with my penis was this summer with a cis woman. It felt fetishy and made me dysphoric. But with Van we were just two people using our bodies to give us pleasure.
Neither of us came, but everything we did made me feel present. The last year I’ve only felt that way two or three times during sex – the fading of my anxious brain. And there was something unique about that happening with another trans woman. She admired my tits like only someone else on estrogen could and then she grabbed them harder than anyone had before. It was so nice.
We naturally started to slow down and get back to just kissing and talking. And then she asked if I wanted to watch Myra Breckinridge.
I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly. Myra Breckinridge? The trans cinema classic starring Raquel Welch and Mae West based on the book by Gore Vidal? She said, yes. She loved the movie and had been meaning to rewatch it. I told her I’d owned the DVD for awhile unwatched and would love to.
You haven’t seen Myra Breckinridge until you’ve watched it cuddling with another trans woman pausing to make jokes and make out.
The most iconic scene of the movie finds Raquel Welch as trans woman Myra fucking a hunky young man with a strap-on to rid him of masculinity. It’s a wild, campy movie that deserves celebration in all its problematic glory. It’s meant to be transphobic, it’s meant to be shocking, but it’s also the only piece of media I’ve ever seen where a trans woman wears a strap-on – even if the moment is less than consensual.
The movie features a lot of cutaways to classics of Hollywood cinema and in her commentary it quickly became clear that Van was a full-on cinephile. I wasn’t looking to catch feelings on this impromptu app hook up, but when a hot woman has very strong opinions about Bette Davis movies you have to succumb.
We ordered delivery from IHOP and after finishing my waffle I felt like it was time to go. I started getting dressed and she said we should hang out again and I said definitely knowing it might not happen. She’d mentioned that she wasn’t much for commitment and was usually only into people if they were unavailable. Sagittariuses.
I gave her my number and left around 2:30 in the morning. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see her again, but I felt happy either way.
There was always a part of me that wondered if those inquisitive cis people were right. The more time that passed the more I wondered if I couldn’t blame the scarcity in my community or my pickiness – maybe it was just internalized transphobia. I wondered if maybe I would get turned off by penises and suddenly justify all the transphobic talking points I’ve fought against. That wasn’t the case at all.
The most surprising thing about these encounters wasn’t that I felt less self-conscious around other trans bodies – it was how similar these experiences were to the sex I’ve had with cis women. The acts were different, but when sex is good you’re just a body connecting with another body, listening with words and touch – hoping for some sort of connection and pleasure.
Trans people are forced to experiment, try new approaches, work around dysphoria, push through dysphoria, check-in as certain things that used to feel good stop feeling good and certain things that didn’t suddenly do. This shouldn’t just be trans sex. This shouldn’t just be queer sex. It’s nice to know what makes you feel good and it’s nice to know what generally makes other people feel good. But every new person is a new person and every new connection is a new connection. Every new body is a new body.
Fiori is not an inclusive utopia here to solve the difficulties of dating while trans. But you might meet someone just like you might meet someone on Tinder just like you might meet someone on Instagram or Twitter or – gasp! – in person.
There’s never going to be an app that’s not transphobic until we live in a world that’s not transphobic. But we have the apps we have and we have the world we have. We have the bodies we have too. Use what you have and, if you want to, fuck.
Some of Y’all Are Really Out Here Flexing on Tinder with Finger Measurements, Discuss
Some of y’all are really ahead of the game. I’ve been off Tinder for like two years because I’m happily, monogamously, coupled. But from what I remember of Tinder I’m not surprised.
I feel so conflicted about big hands/finger length discourse! Because… I have big hands! So, hooray for me! But also I’m trans, and “man hands” has been an insult forever. There was even a Seinfeld episode about it. To be honest, I feel like smaller hands would be a good thing – more versatile, if you know what I mean. And you can always like, use toys and tools to make your hands bigger, but not to make them smaller? Or maybe we all just want what we don’t/can’t have.
And THEN Malic reminded us all that having long fingers essentially means you’re gay, if you’re AFAB at least (the “science” is out on AMAB folks), and apparently testosterone in the womb is involved, and why do scientists want to find out if they can tell we’re queer in utero so bad? I have my conspiracy theories, but I won’t get into it here.
Have you measured your finger length and/or fist circumference? Do you mention it on dates or in dating apps? Have you dated a big hand person or a small hand person and have a story to share about why of course big/small hands are better?
Let us know in the comments. And, you know, if you want… you can drop your stats in there too 
Abeni: Ok are y’all really out here wilding or is this fake
Dani: Omg let this be real
Valerie: !!
Dani: Let me be out here straight flexin with these arachnodactyl fingers
Christina: Oh my godddddddddd
I have never seen this but I would RESPECT it if I did
Shelli: If this isn’t real I’ll be highly upset
Jehan: 
Carolyn: @ me when people start doing this with fists
Malic: I’m just over here shamefully remembering all the times I’ve mentioned that I have weirdly big hands on dates.
Vanessa: Honestly people who have big hands ALWAYS mention it
It’s not even your fault
I figured it was like a biological thing where if you have big hands and you’re queer you have to mention it, your brain like forces you to
Riese: i have big hands
just wanted to mention it
Bailey: Let’s be real; big is subjective! If we’re measuring length we should be measuring girth 
KaeLyn: I have freakishly small hands, which have their own benefits, IMO
Sarah: 
Carolyn: same and whenever someone on a date tells me they’ve never been fisted before I’m always like CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
the real challenge is finding small enough nitrile gloves
Shelli: This is the absolute best dialogue I have had this week
I have tiny hands but dates get weird/go wild about my acrylics
Abeni: ok i wasn’t going to chime in but i guess my hands are big bc i’ve never been able to get more than 3 fingers into a partner without pain? maybe I’m just doing it wrong though lol. also sorry if that’s TMI
Reneice: Omg same
Riese: i’ve had similar struggles!!
Christina: look I would be lying if I said I don’t want to measure my hands now
according to my mother when I born the doctor said I had long fingers so I feel like I was destined for a life of homosexuality
Valerie: my dad says my grandmother used to say i had “piano fingers” because they were long so same
Malic: That is exactly what my grandmother says about me!
Reneice: I have big hands and I posted a picture holding a little beer tasting mug and I’ve never blushed as much as I did reading my DMs that day.
Dani: #showmeyourhands
Riese: everybody used to tell me i had piano fingers too valerie! or they’d ask if i played basketball. and i’d be like “i’m actually really bad at both but i’d make a great lesbian” and now here i am… a lesbian
Christina: I was…so bad at basketball wow
my height is DECEPTIVE
Riese: how tall are you!!
Christina: I am 5’10, which I think is like NOT even that tall
but my hair does add…a significant amount of height to my whole deal
Riese: hahaha
i’m 5’10 also
Christina: Are you 5’10 with long fingers? You just might be a lesbian, and entitled to compensation.
5 Ways to Send the First Tinder Message That Aren’t Just Saying “Hey There”
In many ways dating apps streamline so much about dating — you can select and filter who you want to see, it provides an opportunity for you to clarify for yourself and others what you’re looking for, and in an ideal world people can clarify before you even meet them whether they’re a top/bottom/someone who thinks mint and chocolate taste good together and therefore unfortunately not a viable option for you. However, there are some things dating apps cannot change — for instance, you are still going to need to speak to the other person if you wish to eventually have sex with them. It’s a hard knock life, etc.
Maybe the best way to psyche yourself up for this is through baby steps: “all you have to do is say hi!” This is true, and if that is what it takes for you to get yourself to message someone, you should absolutely do it! However, the truth is “hi” (or its variants, “hey” and a contextless gif) is kind of a tough sell; it doesn’t give the other person a lot to work with, and really kind of just moves the ball as far as initiating an actual conversation into the other person’s court. Much like how a bio should be written with the goal of giving a hottie something to react to, a first message should be easy to reply to and easy to move the conversation forward from! What does one say to “hey” aside from “hey,” or on a sunny day, “hey!” I ask of you.
Widely beloved first-messager and Autostraddle writer Molly told me her tried and true combo is “Hello + introduce yourself + compliment + ask a question,” noting that it projects self-confidence and also makes your interest in the other person clear, which are great goals for a first message. “Be specific with the compliment,” she told me, “make it something about their outfit or bio or haircut to show you’re paying attention. Finally, ask them a question about themselves; again, I like to be specific to the bio or photos, because it shows you’re not just spamming a bunch of babes with a copy/paste.”
This is excellent advice and I would urge you to follow it! Largely, though, in the same vein, let’s think about the goal of a first message: to start a conversation, and get the other person to respond; once you’re both present and accounted for, you can start seeing if anything actually even goes anywhere. With that established, here are five ways you can try sending the first message that show you’re actually trying.
What are you reading/watching/listening to?
Almost everyone on earth is doing one of these things every day! It’s telling about them as a person without being too personal to reveal, shows interest in them, and will also be good for you to get a sense of whether what they’re into seems weird or dumb to you. Best of all, this question has many natural followup questions that can lead into a full conversation — oh I haven’t heard of that band, how did you get into them? I love that author! Have you read this other title by them?
Ask for a rec
People love to feel knowledgeable and like their taste is admired and respected; it also creates a sense of trust to have helped you with something, and for you to have admitted early on that they know more about something than you. They mention they like horror movies? Ask them what you should start with! They like to read? Ask what book you should bring on your long flight next week! Obviously there are limits to this, determined by the difficulty involved on their end – if they are gonna have to do two hours of research to tell you what kind of seed you’ll need to attract Northwestern Warblers in your backyard, that is probably not flirty and fun. But a question that asks them to tell you about something they like and care about and indicates you’ll take it seriously and check it out? Hot!
Playful debate!
If someone has shared a low-stakes yet controversial take in their bio — avocados are bad, actually! They love pineapple on pizza! They hate pineapple on pizza! They thought Buffy and Angel made sense on Buffy! — it could be an opportunity lightly! playfully! flirtily! engage them on it in a way that is angling for Banter, the way that hip rom coms have taught us we should identify our one true love. “Buffy and Angel! I am, respectfully, horrified. What about when…” This can be an easy way to start talking to someone, and also a good way to tell if you have any kind of overlap or chemistry with someone, at least over text; does the back and forth flow? Are you laughing? Is the other person getting too competitive and taking it too seriously and therefore not fun? There you go.
However, much like other rom-com activities like carrying large cue cards across a city and orchestrating a secret declaration of love with them or having beachy waves every single day, playful banter is actually pretty hard, and if you are feeling unsure of this option or like you aren’t confident you can do it without coming off as argumentative, I would encourage you to honor that feeling! That is fine, there are other things you can say.
Future plans
If “hi” is the absolute bar on the floor of first messages, the followup is “How’s your day?” This is a good question to ask a close friend or coworker or something, but much like with the question “how are you,” when a stranger asks you there is almost no way to respond to it other than “fine!” The things that are happening to us on a day to day basis are frequently boring, often not under our control, and sometimes embarrassing. We don’t always want to talk about them with strangers! However, asking about future plans is something that’s under the other person’s control, and also probably aspirational and cool. “How’s your summer been” is likely to get a “fine;” “do you have anything you’re excited about for this summer?” might get you to a discussion of a farmers’ market or, idk, plans to get a commercial vehicle license. You’re off to the races!
Icebreaker!
Although all of you have been previously instructed to actually fill out your bio, thereby giving other people something to actually say to you, many of you are still reluctant to do so, OR have done the thing where you just put one quixotic and mysterious line (“eyebrows of an angel, septum piercing of a sailor”) (what??? does that mean?) which may potentially make you seem hot and above it all, but is also virtually impossible to respond to. Luckily, Kayla has got you covered already with her comprehensive yet approachable guide to sending the first message on Tinder, which often takes the approach of basically, well, an icebreaker. Borrow one of hers (I’m partial to “do you have a favorite Fast & Furious movie?”) or follow along in the same spirit and create your own.
Is there any guarantee any of these will work? Absolutely not. Can you at least say you tried, and maybe get into one or two good-natured arguments about casting on the L Word? Yes, for sure. Tell us your favorite/least favorite first message strategies!
11 Queers Share the Best and Worst Lines They’ve Gotten on Dating Apps
In 2019 many people connect with other humans by swiping in one direction or another, whichever way life takes them, on their phone screen. Even after an app informs you that someone you think is cute also thinks you are cute, however, someone (two someones, really, if this is going to go anywhere) have to speak to one another! Sometimes that goes swimmingly, and others it is a disaster. Let us learn from each other’s successes and mistakes. Here are the best and/or worst things people have said to us when trying to date us!
We Ruined Our Days and Our Relationships With New Astrology App “The Pattern!” and You Can Too
Despite scientific claims that only a small percentage of queer women are interested in astrology, it often seems like everyone I know is treating it as irrefutable truth, obsessing over their crush’s rising sign and what that’s going to mean under the new moon in Libra or whatever. On a recent trip to (of course) Portland, my friends turned me on to an app called Co-Star that details a person’s complete astrological profile and then compares your compatibility with your friends.
Co-Star’s a trip; it uses very basic compatibility matching of different parts of your chart to bluntly break down all the celestial reasons why one friend and I should definitely never hook up, while simultaneously pointing out why another friend and I get along so famously. I’m not an incredibly hardcore believer in astrology, in the sense that I don’t believe that every person born in the same month is going to have the same kind of day when they read their horoscope in the paper, but I do fall pretty neatly under all the parameters of a classic Scorpio. In that sense, I do enjoy being the Most Scorpio Scorpio Who Ever Scorped and got a kick out of picking apart my friends’ profiles in order to better understand the [alleged] reasons we interact the way we do.
If you’ve enjoyed the way Co-Star describes hypothetical or existing relationships between yourself and your friends, but you don’t feel like you’ve emotionally devastated yourself enough lately, you’re going to love The Pattern, a new app for masochistic astrology enthusiasts. The Pattern doesn’t just explain your chart; it points out patterns in your own behavior and compares it to the way your friends are likely to handle situations in their own lives. I love navel-gazing and overanalyzing my friends, so when Rachel asked if I’d be interested in trying this app out I leapt at the chance.
The Pattern started out by behaving sort of like it was trying to recruit me for a cult. It told me how special and misunderstood I am, to which I wholeheartedly agreed.
But YOU understand me, don’t you?!?!?
The Pattern is interesting because its connection to astrology is not obvious or really advertised; while it bases its profile of you around your birth chart, it doesn’t explain which aspects of your personality are directly related to specific planets or placements. Whereas Co-Star might tell me that my Mercury in Scorpio makes me extra perceptive whereas my Mars in Virgo makes me a hard worker, The Pattern will explain the kinds of scenarios I tend to encounter, challenges I’m predisposed to facing or particular qualities I might be drawn to and just sort of state them as fact. After poking around at my own psychological pitfalls, apparently ordained by the stars themselves, I was ready for the social aspect of the app. That’s right, this can be a group activity!
I invited a couple of my fellow Autostraddle writers to accompany me on this journey. Vanessa, Molly and Sarah all declined to join me as they felt the app sounded WAY too intense, and they weren’t wrong. Ultimately, I was able to convince my close friend and favorite Gemini nightmare Courtney to try it out so we could check out our compatibility.
When you click to a friend’s profile, the app sweetly includes a fresh new fact about how the two of you interact or what you mean to each other, which I loved.
The Pattern also includes insights into how you approach relationships, pitfalls you might encounter and what kind of astrological junctures you might be finding yourselves approaching. After a couple of minutes of complimenting ourselves on how great we are at being friends and how terrible we are at being human beings, Courtney and I started to click around on the “dig deep” sections of our profiles, and immediately disintegrated into twin piles of ash.
This describes our friendship pretty well but is also kind of a lot?????!?!?!
As you click around, the app offers the option to share your findings with your friends via text or an assortment of social media platforms, which is great because we found ourselves extremely busy screaming at each other about everything we discovered. My favorite thing about The Pattern is that you can enter information for someone who’s not even ON the app if you know their birth time and place, so I could check out my compatibility with a certain celebrity crush (name withheld, in case she reads this), my current crush (name withheld, in case she reads this) or my favorite ex-girlfriend (who called this experiment “emotional terrorism”). This factors perfectly into another feature: examining a potential or existing romantic relationship.
Call me the fuck out.
My second favorite feature of The Pattern is how it walks you through every hypothetical problem you might ever have in your relationship, so you can really plan out every triumph and heartbreak that might potentially come your way over the course of your lifetime with this other human being. The app is positively delighted to describe in detail the kinds of roadblocks you might encounter dating this specific person, or any person in general, especially as linked to your deep-seated inadequacies and flaws. Would you like to know which of your friends or exes share a pattern of “wounding in relationships” or have a tendency to be “romantic and impractical?” Well, you’re about to find out! My associate and I could not help being The Worst so we entered information for our past and present partners, and exchanged horrifically accurate screenshots as we recoiled in horror.
NOBODY ASKED YOU.
All things considered, there’s a ton of information to pore through, and if you believe strongly in astrology or just like being psychologically torn to shreds regardless of the belief system underpinning it, you’re going to be very, very busy. I would recommend this app if you enjoy being devastatingly called out, screaming “FUCK ME UP” every other minute and/or want to tease your friends about how difficult they find it to resist their strong attraction to you.
Honestly not mad at this part.
I will never be the same.
How to Take a Winning Thirst Trap: Your Detailed Multimedia Guide to Being Hot Online
Self-love. Indulgence. Horniness. Loneliness. Boredom. Revenge. There are many motives for posting a thirst trap. But what makes a winning thirst trap? After extensive research both on my own and by talking with others who are highly skilled in the craft, I’ve found that there are also many different ways to craft a successful thirst trap.
Some trappers say a funny caption is required; others opt for more directness. Some say take 10 photos at a time… some say 100. Some prefer selfies, and others prefer making their friends or partners (or, in one case, THEIR MOM) be their personal thirst trap photographer. Everyone agrees good lighting is essential, but it can be achieved using various techniques!
There’s far more than one way to take a highly effective thirst trap, and I am here to guide you through some of the best practices with help from some noteworthy thirst-quenchers who are constantly blessing my timeline. Think of this as your thirst trap textbook.
Everyone seems to agree that confidence and self-love are essential components of a highly effective thirst trap, but I think Autostraddle writer Molly (@mollypriddy) says it best: “An effective thirst trap starts with trapping yourself.”
Now, here are some annotated versions of all of the Thirst Trap Team’s (the Thirstvengers? The Thirsty League?) most successful selfies — the brief stories behind them and the tips for how to recreate them for yourselves as well as some key takeaways at the end of each section. Go forth and thirst trap. (Some folks mention specific apps in their descriptions, but for easy reference, here are the most common apps we use: HUJI, VSCO, PhotoWonder, FaceTune, and Snapseed.)
The Mirror Selfie
Ah, yes, one of the most straightforward and easy-to-take thirst trap setups. First up is my friend @claerdna, one of the stars of Sidetrack (shameless plug!) and a very talented thirst trapper. One of my favorite things about @claerdna is that her Instagram is literally just pictures of herself, and I strive for that level of confidence every day! Here’s her breakdown of how she took this very simple mirror self thirst trap.
In my professional experience, Brandy Melville dressing rooms are one of the best places to take thirsty pix. The lighting is just diffused enough so your skin looks clear. Everyone loves a good mirror selfie! But location is important. And what you’re wearing. In this one, I chose to try that classic Insta pose. The trick here is to angle your butt out, and twist your body slightly to the camera. Remember to pop one leg out. Somewhat conceal your face so you don’t have to worry about what that looks like too. I usually crop my pix above the knee so no one can tell how short my legs look. Also note the lighting on my bicep, which makes it look like I work out, which I aggressively don’t.
I can verify the fact that dressing rooms — especially in fancy stores — have incredible lighting for thirst traps. You don’t even need to buy anything! Just go put on some nice clothes and snap some cute pics in the dressing room! The lighting is great because they want you to think that their clothes make you look incredible! In my experience, department stores do not have great thirst trap lighting unless you’re going for a haunted vibe which, hey, maybe you are! My pal @kloebryan also proves that dressing rooms are a great place for thirst traps — no purchase necessary.
This one isn’t edited at all (although I do use VSCO to edit a lot). My finsta is private and only 15 people follow it. I was just trying on this jumpsuit (I did not buy the jumpsuit) and the dressing room mirror was big, so it seemed like a good opportunity. Idk! The phone-over-the-shoulder butt pic is always a good move in my opinion. This is definitely not a particularly well-composed or “aesthetic” thirst trap, but I did think the slogan on the mirror was funny. Thirst traps can and should be funny!
Next up, we have Autostraddle’s Archie (@babywrist) serving the foot-on-sink mirror pose that I can never quite master but they pull off flawlessly! This can be done in the privacy of your own home but is also a power move, as Archie often demonstrates, taken in public bathrooms when you’re out for the night and wearing something hot that you feel hot in.
Putting your leg up on the bathroom sink is ? a queer selfie power move. It also features really nice white hotel lighting. I think outfits for thirst traps are real important, like you should be wearing something (or nothing) that makes you feel awesome and confident! And bonus points if it’s in a distinctly “you” style, like this mesh top and silver 80s jacket.
Takeaways:
Dressing rooms, hotels, and some bars (especially ones with either neon lights or warm lighting) have ideal lighting for mirror selfies. WORK that pose. Have a sense of humor. Make sure your outfit is conveying the vibe you want to be putting out there because when it comes to mirror selfies, your outfit is more of the focal point than your face. (If you’re taking this at home, probably clean your mirror, which I always forget to do and then end up having to choose a filter that conceals how dirty my mirror is!!!!)
The Close-Up Selfie
Sometimes a thirst trap can be just a really good photo of your face.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BlJfc0XjM2u/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
Whenever I’m bored at work, I find it a good use of time to take selfies! You always want a backlog of selfies in case you need one for whatever reason. They’re also usually the hardest to post for me ‘cause it’s like, here’s my face! No clever caption is gonna disguise the fact that you’re just giving people a pic of your face ‘cause you thought you looked good. Which is why it needs to look very good. No regrets. I usually find that the best lighting is in a dark room where there’s lots of sunlight coming in through the window outside, but there’s no direct sunlight on you. Lipgloss and highlighter look especially good in these. Try at least 20 poses, no one is judging you. After staring at my chosen pic for about 20 mins, I will decide to post it with a caption like “I love me!” Why lie?
Autostraddle cartoonist and the mastermind behind #AllQueerBods Alyssa (@alyssathrills) calls this type of thirst trap the “smug mug,” which I love.
If I’m thirst trapping, I tend to keep the lights low and give you just enough to keep you interested. While I’m often explicit enough to leave little room for questioning my intentions, I’m a big fan of leaving just enough to snatch a little bit of your attention. I only thirst trap when I’m feeling cute! It’s not about impressing my babe or hoping they’ll convince me I look good. A thirst trap is not a fishing expedition. Butch, I know I look good. I’m giving you a gift.
If you notice a cool light pattern/reflection, SEIZE THE OPPORTUNITY to take some artsy thirst traps, like singer-songwriter Julia Weldon (@juliaweldon) did here.
My thirst traps tend to involve: great lighting, finding my best angle, usually my post top-surgery chest, some sultry eye work, and a good hair day. I like to add another element that stands out: sexy bath time photos, sweeping boomerangs while on the streets of Manhattan, sweaty post work-out chest pics/videos, or a cute selfie with my pup in the background. Basically, anything that I think makes me look like I’m cool. This thirst trap is definitely all about the lighting, which really brought out my beachy sunkissed look and baby blues. Also I was with my best friends on Fire Island and was feeling super into being as naked and queer as possible at all times. Sometimes a good thirst trap is just about channeling a real feeling?!
I rarely know what the fuck to do with my facial expression in a thirst trap, and Molly points out that thinking about your crush is a good tactic.
I hold the camera at eye level or above and usually turn my head slightly so I’m not looking directly straight into the camera. If you angle your face just a little bit, you get better perspective on your whole face as well as the dimensions of your hair. The beauty of a thirst trap is that we all know what it is and what it’s doing. That’s why having a fun caption is key. No one believes you when you say “whoops I randomly took this pic of myself guess I don’t look too horrible!!” so just own it; confidence is sexy. Lastly, I’d say that a lot of people don’t think too hard about what they’re thinking about when they take a picture, but it’s always reflected in your eyes. So if you’re feeling self-conscious, your eyes will say so. I like to think about my crush and what it would feel like to send them this picture that I’m so proud of, then let my eyes soften and be nice and real.
Takeaways:
Ok, I think the hardest part of a selfie-style thirst trap is figuring out wtf to do with your face. We’ll get into the concept of SMILING in a selfie later, but I think it’s important to note here as well. You don’t have to do the gay Zoolander that’s the pout/scowl/look-dead-behind-the-eyes (which for some reason is my go-to). You can do those things, but there are other options, too! Like smiling or smirking or winking. Flirt with the camera. Be the thirst object. Allow room for fantasy but also maintain some control over how others see you via the caption.
Swimwear Traps
I have known @leatherpumpkin for nearly a decade, and I have long been inspired by her approach to thirst trapping, which usually involves her enlisting the help of someone else to shoot her. And when it comes to swimsuit traps, enlisting outside help is key.
One of my best friends (@dweeebbb) is my personal Nigel Barker. He is the photographer and creative director behind my most thirst trappiest photos (get a friend that knows your angles and will tell you to adjust your cleave!!!!). Here, we’re at Riis and I had already attempted to do some Baywatch situation by the tide. It very much did not work. Or maybe they did but I didn’t feel confident in them. And then later on I was rolling around in the sand and was like let’s try again but D didn’t want to get up again to take pictures of me so this angle was born!!!
Our own Vanessa (@vanessatakesphotos) rightfully refers to herself as the queen of thirst trapping, and she has some hot tips for beach photos, too, echoing the sentiment that you can never take too many photos and that everyone should have a friend (or MOM) who can double as a personal photographer.
My key to a good thirst trap is to take 100 photos. Not kidding. Find someone who loves you or use a self timer or commit to taking 100 selfies, and just go for it. My mother actually took this (lol), and I explained to her what we were going for (“really sexy, mom”) and then she just kept snapping photos while I kept changing poses. I like to look a little candid even though a thirst trap is rarely candid. The audience knows this, but I think it’s fine to pretend. I’m wearing a hot outfit, I’ve positioned myself in a way that is flattering to my bod and highlights my boobs, which are my fave part of my body. I obviously have a GORGEOUS background behind me, which helps, but you can take a good thirst trap against any background. I love being outside (yay natural light), and you’d be amazed what you can do with, like, the dying grass in your backyard or the crumbling brick wall outside your apartment.
And @claerdna is back. She makes an excellent point about saving photos from the same shoot for posting later.
Of course: the bikini pic. The hardest of thirst traps. You must have a dedicated photographer with a lot of patience on this endeavor; after all, you’re on the journey together. A few key poses for the bikini pic are: On your knees facing the camera, and some booty pix with your profile looking longingly into the horizon. Absolutely no other people in the picture allowed — do not let your friends get in the photo with you!! This is YOUR bikini pic. Always include the ocean though, you want people to be jealous of your awesome life (part of the thirst). After sorting through roughly 200 photos, I narrowed it to this one and squirreled away the rest for some #TBTs. Crop out what you don’t need, edit what you don’t like (no point in wasting a good pic. Everyone knows insta is not real life) and post dat shit and wait for the DMs to come sliding in.
Another cast member of my webseries Sidetrack (lol sorry), @thevmele literally took this thirst trap literally at Dinah Shore!!! According to her, you should pay attention to what people compliment irl and use that to inform your thirst trap approach.
When I’m going about my day-to-day, people frequently compliment my physique. I work hard for my body, so I genuinely appreciate when people acknowledge that hard work. If you find friends, family, and even strangers constantly complimenting you on something that comes naturally to you (your brilliant smile, your flawless hair, etc.) or something you’ve worked hard to cultivate (a particular style, aesthetic or body) it will usually garner similar praise and attention on posts. For this photo, I was at Dinah Shore Weekend in Palm Springs and because my soon-to-be girlfriend was too busy to join us, I decided to remind her of what she was missing by sending her a swimsuit selfie. As I was photographing myself, a friend of mine snapped a pic of me. Her photo turned out better than mine.
Wow Mika a.k.a. @bbpapi aka. the style icon behind Autostraddle’s Find Your Fit column really used the sun to take this thirst trap to the next level.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BkYqTqClPVt/?taken-by=bbpapi
Location change! I usually take pics alone in my room because I’m bored and I’m alone, but being intentional about the background of your pics and your locations really opens a whole new world of thirst trap situations. I mean, I’m at a pool, I’m tanning, it’s summer, masc face. Pay particular attention to lighting too when you’re outside. I edited this pic with VSCO (A6 filter) for the highlights/shadows. This pic came out originally very yellow because of the sunlight, so to fix the white balance I used Facetune, their white balance function is great! 10/10 would recommend!
I reached out to Reneice (@reneicespieces) — of Femme Brûlée fame — specifically for this article because I have long admired the fact that she smiles in all of her thirst traps. You don’t always have to pout or scowl to look sexy!
There seems to be some unwritten rule that thirst traps have to include a serious sexy face but I strongly disagree. Smiling is sexy af, who doesn’t love hot AND happy? I smile in the majority of my thirst traps and I like that it makes them unique. In this particular photo I wanted to show off my boobs, bathing suit, and cute ass chubby curves. The beach is awesome for lighting and I am terrible at editing photos so this isn’t edited.
Please also note the strong execution of the “on your knees facing the camera” pose in this pic! Theory and praxis, etc.
yes that would be Pinot Grigio in a box pic.twitter.com/XfMsuxkzut
— kayla kumari upadhyaya (@KaylaKumari) July 24, 2017
Ok, these are not beach photos nor technically swimwear photos (I’m wearing a bra and compression shorts), but I’m going for a similar thing as everyone else in this category: taking a flattering pic of my body in natural light while wearing minimal clothing. I had my girlfriend take this, and we played around with a few different poses, but this popped leg look with my flexed calf was the winner. I am indeed chugging a box of pinot grigio in this shot, so it’s literally a thirsty picture. I’m all about props in thirst traps. I also like to close my eyes when I’m not sure what to do with my face, and the “juice” box gave me a great reason to do so.
Takeaways:
All thirst traps require confidence, but these most of all! Flaunt your favorite parts of your body! Get a friend or um, family member to help shoot you so you can get your whole hot bod in the frame. Use the SUN as your lighting, but also edit the exposure/white balance to make sure you’re popping against your background; bright/direct sunlight can be tricky to get right. Make sure the scenery shows; let ’em know you’re having ~fun in the sun~ so that they’ll want to join ya.
HUJI
An entire section just for thirst traps taken with HUJI? YUP. Why? Because I believe that HUJI is hands down the best app for taking thirst traps right now. Maybe you think it’s too trendy or has lost its appeal because everyone is using it. You’re wrong!!!! The faux-disposable camera HUJI aesthetic is timeless tbh, and photos taken with it rarely require any additional edits. The best thing about it is that it can even make photos taken in dim/poor lighting look decent. Definitely pay the 99 cents to upgrade to the pro version, which allows you to import photos from your camera roll and HUJI-fy them as well as tweaking how you want the filter to work. Here are some more tips for maximizing your HUJI thirst trap experience.
A lot of bar and restaurant bathrooms look really good on Huji, especially if you can get that subdued blast of rainbow. If you have dark circles under your eyes (I have enormous ones), they end up looking mysterious and cool instead of like you are gravely ill. A lot of bathroom mirrors have warm light fixtures on them that are great for taking selfies — take the photo with your face facing the light. For me, it often helps to look up a little, like raising my chin. And look directly at the camera / thirsty viewer. I genuinely do not think a photo has to be overtly sexual to count as a thirst trap (although most of the best ones are). I mean… this one worked.
My bedroom is the only place in my apartment that gets decent lighting and usually only for a few hours at the beginning of the day, so I rely on HUJI to make my dim apartment look like an aesthetic choice. I also echo @kloebryan’s sentiment about HUJI making dark eye circles less terrifying. I have cried almost every single day this summer (yikes!) so the bags+dark circles under my eyes have been NEXT LEVEL but HUJI makes me look okay. As for the cleavage in this pic, here’s a secret: I’m using my right hand to slightly pull down my shirt to make that deep-V neckline a lil more taut and revealing. Another secret to my thirst traps is slightly wet hair. If you have some decent volume to your hair, like me, it can give you a very hot I-just-got-out-of-a-pool (or shower) look. Also, like @kloebryan, I’m slightly raising my chin, which is a flattering angle on most folks!
Takeaways:
DOWNLOAD HUJI RIGHT NOW. And if you get the premium version (again, ONLY 99 CENTS), take the photos in your normal camera app and then import them to HUJI. This is also a way to sorta cheat the system because it means that if you get a light effect/filter you don’t want (HUJI randomizes them) you can try again.
Clothing Optional
While thirst traps and nudes are technically different concepts, no one said you have to wear clothes in a thirst trap! Of course, in order to get around Instagram’s (sexist) nudity rules, you’ll have to get creative. And the Thirst Trap Team is here to teach you exactly how to do that, starting with Vanessa (who’s using HUJI here! Just to drive the point home!).
I’m naked, which I think is obvious in the picture, but you can’t actually see anything scandalous, which is part of the charm. I love my hair, and whenever I flirt, I twirl my hair, so I tried to capture that in this pic — like I want the audience to feel like I’m flirting with them. I also have a crush on someone rn who rly likes my mouth, so I was thinking about that when I took this: ‘oh, A will want to see my mouth.’ Send your thirst traps to your friends both for praise and feedback about which is best to sext your crush or post to insta, and don’t be shy with the camera! WE WANNA SEE YOUR THIRST TRAPS! THE QUEER COMMUNITY IS THIRSTY!
Archie knows how to flirt with the camera, too.
This one has early morning natural light, which is the most ideal lighting for any pic! It also has a signature wink. I like photos where it legit looks like you’re flirting with someone. I think being cheeky and not too serious is also great because you can get a hint of personality in there, too. This photo also has me topless bc I wanted people to see my new tattoo and I have no shame.
And here’s a photo @thevmele took on her second day of Dinah Shore at eight in the morning! Rise n thirst! She shows that you can use props to conceal the fact that you’re not wearing any clothes like, for example, a giant inflatable whale.
We were in the desert, it was hot, and I’m totally the kind of person who jumps Full Monty into a pool onto an inflatable whale with little to no prompting. The smile plastered all over my face is genuine happiness, brought on by a culmination of being with people I love on a wildly entertaining weekend and yes, I find immense joy and freedom in being nude. It was a moment captured of me being very much myself, another key to a great thirst trap. I recommend being genuine. You may in fact look like a narcissist asshat, but you’re having fun and feeling yourself, and that’s what people like to see. And NEVER be afraid to have a sense of humor about it!
Technically, I’m wearing clothes here (a bra as a shirt, which is an important summer look), but notice how this is essentially a picture of my boobs without explicitly being a picture of my boobs? While I’m all about owning your thirst traps, let’s also acknowledge that there’s sometimes a little bit of trickery going on with thirst traps, and that’s ok, too. The fact that I’m basically covering my face (the sun was bright!) draws the focal point further down to what I’m actually trying to get you to look at.
A step beyond having wet hair to imply you just got out of the shower is physically still being inside it, naked. Which brings us to how Julia Weldon pretty much invented the bathtime thirst trap if you ask me.
Portrait mode on the new iPhone has really taken my thirst trap game to the next level. For this shot, I had just gotten the iPhone X and was playing around with portrait mode in the bath. My hair was doing a wavy thing, and the water looked pretty. I was naked. Feeling myself. And started snapping some selfies! One should ask a super amazing, smart friend to help curate the thirst trap. Riese, for instance, helps me choose the most trap-worthy photo to post and EVEN sometimes, assists with what caption is the most clever.
Sometimes you want to play off a half-clothed thirst trap casually — oh, did I forget to put a shirt on? silly me! — and then sometimes you want to make sure there’s no possible room for misinterpretation. For the latter eventuality, Mika is here with some sex eyes advice.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BjvP97lFkeG/?taken-by=bbpapi
Important thing to notice is angles! I started playing with switching angles this year because I was starting to feel very repetitive. So switch it up! Sex eyes! I guess that what I try to avoid when I’m making masc face on a thirst trap (we all know which face) is that I don’t look like I just took a piss on a dog and don’t feel sorry about it? Instead I try to imagine that one person I hated when I was young if I ran into them again and then boom, angry/sex eyes, because I’m a fire sign and I can’t separate those two emotions!
Takeaways:
Make your mouth a focal point. Bras can be shirts if you want ’em to be. If you’re having trouble picking your best shot, call upon a thirsty pal to help you out. When you’re ready to fully commit, think about the person you hate most for smoldering sex eyes.
Bed Traps
Might as well get straight to the point and take a thirst trap in bed! This is also a super useful move when it comes to the practice of taking thirst traps on sad days (more on that later). I love to take selfies in bed because it means I get to be in bed.
I took this one on a very hot day (hence another bra-as-shirt look) last summer. I tend to put my arm over my head in weird angular positions in selfies a lot because it looks better than just sort of awkwardly hanging at your side and distracts a bit from the fact that the other arm is being used to take the photo. Don’t be afraid to include your pet in your thirst traps. It’s honestly a way to boost the likes/engagement. But don’t just take my word for it…
Pets! Double thirst trap! They want to make out with you AND pet your cats! Include your pets; it makes them feel special and included! Family moves!
There are two basic bed selfie angles — laying on your back with the phone up at an angle over your head, or flipped over propped up on your elbows. As you can see in this set of mine, you get a different set of angles here, allowing you to stick your chin out a little easier and giving you a strong cleavage view if that’s what you’re going for.
Okay these photos I took are even more explicitly thirst trappy. All you need to achieve this glowy nighttime look is a cheap reading light (and HUJI, duh)! Mine was this one from IKEA, and it’s clipped to the headboard of my bed. I played around a bit with its position and then HUJI does the rest of the work. No fancy ring light necessary!
A relative of the bed thirst trap: the floor thirst trap. The angles on this can be tough — note how thirst trap master Reneice is here taking the photo from an upward side angle to her head and turning her chin a bit to meet the camera, giving her a great face angle and ALSO a great cleave angle!
More boobs, more natural light for glowy skin, this is def more of a smirk than a smile but I’m smizing so it counts haha. I wanted this pic to say “don’t you wanna come lounge on this rug with me?” I put an IG filter on this.
Takeaways:
Get a reading light or a lamp for nighttime shots (although early morning light can also make for a strong sultry sleepy selfie!). Experiment with laying on your back vs. your stomach, depending on what you want to highlight. Also, try not to drop your phone on your face… it hurts.
(Body) Shots Shots Shots
Sometimes you don’t want or need to put your face in your thirst trap, and that’s perfectly fine. When it comes to a cropped body shot, it’s all about the angles and framing, which the following folks are very good at (Vanessa’s photo from the Clothing Optional section does this well, too).
More from Alyssa!
In terms of body shots, I go for a little skin and a playful posish. I alllllways make sure my mouth is in the frame (duh), and that any mess in my surrounding areas is NOT. Be intentional. If you’re posting that hot selfie on your insta in hopes your babe, or the babe you’re wanting, will take notice and know it’s for them, find ways to let them know! Make those hashtags and comment boxes work! for! you!
Both Alyssa and Mika prove just how great of a thirst trap approach this is for folks with tattoos.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BkORwP6Ft5t/?taken-by=bbpapi
I want to say this was an unintentional thirst trap? I originally posted it because I got some new pieces and I finally felt like my top surgery results were showing in their final form? However a more than usual amount of likes let me know it was, indeed, a thirst trap. Goal was to show off the new tattoos; lots of natural light was a plus to get the skin tone right. I know I succeeded with this one because it doesn’t look very forced, even though lmao it was, let’s be real. I edited this picture with VSCO, A6 filter never fails! I usually also tweak the highlights and shadows to create the right contrast.
I’m also a fan of the cropped body shot because sometimes I just really don’t want to deal with figuring out what kind of face to make or with those aforementioned dark circles, so here I am showing you that you don’t even need to show that much skin in this kind of thirst trap if you don’t want to!
Parted lips go a long way! Also, I would like to take this moment to say: You should listen to music while taking thirst traps. Sometimes I find it awkward to try being sexy when I’m just alone in the quiet. Listen to something that will make you feel hot!
Selfie-sticks! They’re very useful for taking otherwise hard-to-capture angles (and I should probably invest in one considering how many times I’ve dropped my phone on my face while taking bed pics).
Did you know you can take thirst traps while sad? It’s true!!!! I do it ALL THE TIME! These two photos were taken on extremely bad days of mine, but it’s sometimes good to remember that even when you’re incredibly sad you can also be hot? Anyway, here’s @leatherpumpkin looking sad-hot in the club.
It was memorial day weekend, and I was feeling very sad in the club. I asked my friend to take a photo of me because I liked my outfit and thought ok??? Some outside affirmation won’t resolve my sadness, but y’know, you do what you can. My friend was very confused as to how I expected him to get a photo of me in a crowded, dark club, but he made it work! There was a point of my life where I would has channeled that sad energy into finding someone in the club to fill that need for affirmation, but I’m boring now so I got this photo and then we left and got tacos.
This arms up pose is another great go-to. Another key to her shot is the weird lit-up mirror thing in the background that makes the surroundings a little less dim and the framing interesting. Look for fun/weird lighting things in bars! Especially neon stuff! No one says you can’t thirst trap in public!
In fact, Reneice shows how you can thirst trap while just on the goddamn sidewalk.
I also really enjoy fully clothed thirst traps that are just like “look how I slay in this outfit though.” Confidence is 90% of what makes or breaks a good thirst trap for me so I do my best to exude as much as possible, and the result is sexy! I was really feeling my legs this day and felt they deserved their own shot from the back. These were also shot in natural light and are unedited. I do everything possible to avoid editing but when I need to I either just do it in IG or use VSCO for things like brightening and sharpening.
Takeaways:
The world is your thirst trap oyster. (Wow, how have I never posted a thirst trap of me eating oysters?!) Get you a friend who knows your angles/won’t be annoyed how long this is taking. If you don’t wanna bother with your face, that’s fine: show them everything else! Love yourself, thirst kittens.
In conclusion:
I have no idea how this got here bye!!!!!!