Sunday Funday Has a Hallmark Greeting Card for Jackie Cote and Dee Smithson
Hello, sweet little apricots! I’m drinking peppermint tea because I’ve already maxed out my caffeine quota for the day! Yippadeedoo! I’m also very sadly not at A-camp right now, which may or may not also be your situation. Either way, you are where you need to be! Cheers, queers!
When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best
via Hallmark
Apparently, Hallmark is now making cards to celebrate a loved one’s transition. The cards are part of Hallmark’s LGBTQIA collection, which is a thing? It’s unclear to me how long these cards have been available and in what markets you can buy them in-store, but you can see and purchase the whole collection online!
There was a minor Twitter explosion when @renatasnacks posted a pic of a card found in a local store:
I’ve never seen Hallmark cards for gender transitioning before! Capitalism triumphs over hate?? pic.twitter.com/GFn1EY6YoA
— Renata Sancken (@renatasnacks) May 11, 2017
You can also send the Trans-tastic! card as a spunky e-card, just letting you know!
These Powerful White Men Like Us; I Guess That’s Something?
Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau attends 2016 Pride Parade in Toronto, Ontario, Canada (Photo credit: studiolaska / Shutterstock.com)
+ Joe Biden, former American Vice Prez, is like, “Hey, guys! We need to get behind LGBT people, like, stat!” in an opinion piece he wrote for the Washington Post. The Biden Foundation has committed to fighting for LGBT equality worldwide. In the essay, Biden writes:
My father taught me that everyone is entitled to be treated with dignity and respect. It’s a simple but powerful notion that lies at the heart of our identity as Americans. It is a truth that continues to drive me today, particularly when it comes to full equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people.
+ Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said in a press announcement this past Wednesday that Canada will formally apologize to LGBT people who have faced discrimination and injustice due to Canadian policies and laws. The “apology” could include financial compensation or pardons; what, exactly, the apology will entail will be revealed later this year.
Lesbians: 1, Wal-Mart: 0
Jacqueline Cote (“Jackie”) and Diana Smithson (“Dee”), lead plaintiffs in Cote v. Wal-Mart Stores
Wal-Mart announced it has reached a settlement agreement in the historic class action Cote v. Wal-Mart case. Wal-Mart will pay out $7.5 million to same-sex couples who were denied health insurance benefits before the company changed their policy.
Jacqueline Cote sued Wal-Mart in 2015 when she was unable to cover her spouse and partner of 25 years, Diana Smithson, under her employer’s insurance plan, resulting in the couple incurring over $100,000 in medical debt. Wal-Mart, at that time, didn’t extend spousal benefits to same-sex couples.
The settlement is the first class action brought on behalf of LGBTQ workers to be successfully settled. Attorneys for the plaintiffs said they hope the Wal-Mart settlement will encourage LGBTQ workers to fight for equal rights in the future.
Here, Queer, Etc.
via singh_lens / Shutterstock
+ Queer youth need community to thrive, a new study out of the University of Arizona says. Well, yes!
+ Get into these 50 Activists Fighting for LGBTQ Rights in 50 States in honor of the International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia, and Biphobia!
+ The New York Times Smarter Living section has some hot tips for you: If You’re Asking, ‘Am I Gay? Lesbian? Bi? Trans? Queer?’ Here’s a Start
Sip Some Coconut Rum & Coke
Enjoy this new video from out singer Keeana Kee featuring Maffio.
You’re welcome.
Sunday Funday Wants to Gay Marry Chef Angela Dimayuga in Outer Space
Hello, Buffalo tofu bites! I’m currently cruising at 65 miles per hour on the Pennsylvania interstate, listening to Fun Home, which feels very right as we cut through fields of thin, bare-armed trees and strips of empty farmland punctuated with plain rectangular houses. I’m usually the driver for long car trips, but Waffle is driving for a bit so I can put together this glorious Sunday Funday for y’all. Neither of us loves this driving arrangement, honestly, but these links won’t round themselves up!
We’re on our way home from a weekend trip to experience a site-specific immersive theatre production in Baltimore, “H.T. Darling’s Incredible Musaeum,” which I’d highly recommend if you’re close to the Baltimore/DC area and are into strange and intimate experiences exploring the violence of colonialism in a futuristic realm outside of space and time. I mean, who isn’t?
Here comes a brand new week, friends!
Chef Angela Dimayuga Serves a Big Queer F*CK YOU to IvankaTrump.com
via goop
When Chef Angela Dimayuga got a DM from a writer for Ivanka Trump’s website asking for an interview, she was NOT. HAVING. IT. The writer described IvankaTrump.com as “a non-political platform of empowerment for modern working women.” Dimayuga shot back a incredibly polite, but not-taking-shit public response with a #fucktrump hashtag.
The full text of Dimayuga‘s response is:
Hi Adi,
Thank you for thinking of me. I’m glad you are a fan of my work so much that you want to provide more visibility for my career to inspire “other working women.” However, I’m for women who actually empower other women.
I don’t believe that IvankaTrump.com is truly “a non-political platform of empowerment for [women]”. So long as the name Trump is involved, it is political and frankly, an option for the IvankaTrump.com business to make a profit.
I don’t see anything empowering about defunding Planned Parenthood, barring asylum from women refugees, rolling back safeguards for equal pay, and treating POC/LGBT and the communities that support these groups like second class citizens.
As a queer person of color and daughter of immigrant parents I am not interested in being profiled as an aspirational figure for those that support a brand and a President that slyly disparages female empowerment. Sharing my story with a brand and family that silences our same voices is futile.
Thank you for the consideration.
Dimayuga, who is the executive chef at the popular Mission Chinese Food, said about her decision to publicly respond: “It’s important for me to acknowledge the intersectional community in which I’ve been able to creatively thrive in… I am also queer, and have immigrant parents. I’ve come to the understanding that people want to hear what I have to say from my unique point of view. It’s a responsibility that gives me purpose, so making clear and pointed decisions on what I involve my time with is important.”
Gay (Marriage) is Good (For Your Health)
via Shutterstock
The first federally funded study of middle-age and senior-age LGBT adults is pretty fascinating and overall good stuff. The study is a collaboration with 17 community agencies serving LGBTQ older adults in every census division throughout the U.S. and funded by the National Institutes of Health and the National Institute on Aging.
Of course, aging adults face a lot of challenges, in general, and LGBT aging adults face additional discrimination on top of that. However, a positive common theme was that the more peer social support an older LGBT person has, the better their health outcomes overall. One of the major findings is that civil marriage has a positive impact on financial security and social support for LGBT people that opt to marry. I mean, that sounds about right… like, duh. But still, the next time you hear some conservative bigot say gay marriage is going to ruin us all, you can point to this study.
Bills, Bills, Bills
Senator Susan Collins, is a sponsor of the Juror Nondiscrimination Act
+ Nevada Governor Brian Sandoval signed the Youth Out of Home Placement Bill into law, extending protections to LGBTQ youth in child welfare and juvenile detention facilities. The law requires foster parents to be trained on working with LGBTQ youth and requires state and local agencies and facilities to treat a child in accordance with their gender identity.
Ensuring that every child, regardless of background, identity, or expression is safe and secure is not something I am willing to compromise on.” Governor Sandoval
+ Members of the U.S. House and Senate last week reintroduced legislation, the Juror Nondiscrimination Act, that would prohibit discrimination against LGBT people in the process of juror selection for U.S. federal courts.
Happy 101st, Beverly Cleary and Ramona Quimby!
I remember tucking into the corner of my community library with Ramona Forever as a young girl. Ramona was tomboyish like me (believe it or not). She was silly and wild and messy and fun. Vox honored children’s author Beverly Cleary on her 101st birthday on April 12th by celebrating her most loved character, Ramona. Cleary was a librarian when she began writing the Ramona and Beezus books in the 1950’s.
It’s definitely worth a read if you remember Ramona and her family!
“She was not a slowpoke grownup. She was a girl who could not wait. Life was so interesting she had to find out what happened next.” ― Beverly Cleary
Bye Bye Bigots
via Shutterstock
When an anonymous student and his parents and a handful of other conservative a-holes in Virginia brought a lawsuit challenging the Fairfax County Public Schools’ LGBTQ-inclusive nondiscrimination and anti-bullying policies, they got shut down. The Virginia Supreme Court rejected the challenge, citing that the plaintiffs suffered no injuries.
Said Fairfax County School Board Chair Sandy Evans:
Fairfax County Public Schools will continue creating an educational environment where everyone is treated with respect. We will also continue to accommodate the needs of transgender and gender non-conforming students in a way that protects the dignity and privacy of all students.
The plaintiffs plan to pursue additional legal action. Yawn.
Ground Control to President Asshole
The Autonomous Space Agency Network (ASAN) has officially broken the seal on SPACE PROTEST. ASAN (Yes, that’s NASA spelled backwards) launched a weather balloon into the great beyond (90,000 feet up in the sky) with a camera and an anti-Trump tweet from their account attached to it.
The protest launch, in solidarity with the upcoming March for Science on April 22nd, was inspired by Apollo 14 astronaut Edgar Mitchell, who once said: “From out there on the moon, international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter of a million miles out and say, ‘Look at that, you son of a b****.”
Well, then.
Sunday Funday is Packing for Hawai’i and Fighting Discrimination at Home
Today I had popcorn and cake and coffee for breakfast and, while not great for my blood sugar, it was an excellent choice and I have NO REGRETS. I’m not going to lie to you. Finding not-horrible news wasn’t an easy task this week, but I’m here to hold onto as much of that sweet silver lining as possible, for all of us.
Rural Conservative Cities Throw Down for LGBT Rights
Wheeling, West Virginia recently passed a LGBT nondiscrimination ordinance (via Reuters/Letitia Stein)
You might be surprised to learn that more than 50 municipalities across 15 states have added LGBT nondiscrimination measures in the almost two years since marriage was legalized nationwide. More than half of these are in places where Trump won in the 2016 election and all 15 in states that voted for Trump. More than half of the cities and towns have populations of less than 35,000.
One of these towns is Columbus, Indiana, the hometown of Mike Pence, where a Republican city council unanimously passed protected for LGBT people in response to then-Governor Pence’s discriminatory “religious freedom” law in 2015. Said Columbus Mayor Jim Lienhoop:
Republicans don’t speak with one voice on this issue. In a small town, you really do live with the laws that you create. It makes it all a little bit more real that we see some people—we actually know them—who might be affected.”
Hawai‘i Wants LGBT Travelers to Say, “Aloha!”
via Shutterstock
The Hawai‘i Tourism Authority recently completed a study into LGBT travel trend to Hawaii from tourists from the United States, Canada, China and Australia. Two additional studies by HTA evaluating LGBT travel to Hawai‘i from Japan and Taiwan are in progress and will be issued within the next couple of months.
Estimates are that LGBT travel to Hawai‘i can be up to 6 percent of total visitors from both Japan and Canada, up to 7 percent of total visitors from the U.S. West, and up to 9 percent of total visitors from the U.S. East. LGBT Millenials and Generation X tourists offer the greatest potential for new tourism dollars, while LGBT Baby Boomers are the most likely to travel to Hawai‘i.
Apparently, 70% of LGBT people in the U.S. think of Hawai‘i as a friendly destination, but only 27% of us travel there. So, like, let’s pack some bags, is what I’m saying!
They Bruise Features Soccer Superstar With Great Hair Joanna Lohman
Joanna Lohman, an openly gay midfielder for Washington Spirit, is one of the favorites of the National Women’s Soccer League. Her story is featured on the premier episode of new webseries about female athletes, They Bruise.
“In a sport that has so many LGBT fans, they see me out in the field as an LGBT athlete, proud of who I am, and that gives them confidence to be who they are. The most important thing for me is to expand expectations on what a woman should look like. I do it for someone who comes behind me, who won’t get the same looks or the same stares I do.”
– Joanna Lohman
Lifestyles of the Queer and Famous
Photographer Tom Atwood’s new portrait series, Kings and Queens in the Castles captures queer icons in their homes and private spaces. It will be published as a book later this spring.
Lydia Brown by Tom Atwood
Elizabeth Streb & Laura Flanders by Tom Atwood
Bills, Bills, Bills
via Shutterstock
+ Congressional Democrats are planning to reintroduce the Equality Act, a measure that would ban LGBT discrimination nationwide. It doesn’t have a chance of passing, but Democrats hope to put anti-LGBT lawmakers on blast. “It’s important for Americans to know whether members of Congress support full equality for our community or whether they support continued discrimination against LGBT Americans,” said Rhode Island Democrat, David Cicilline.
+ The Nevada State Senate will consider a bill that would protect LGBTQ youth in the foster care system by affirming foster kids’ gender identity and sexual orientation and requiring mandated competency training for foster organizations. According to a 2014 report by the William Institute of Law, there are more LGBTQ youth living in foster care than LGBTQ youth living outside of it.
+ Utah legislators voted to repeal a law that would prohibit teachers from “promoting” homosexuality which not awaits their governor’s signature. In the majority Republican legislature, the repeal of the law was supported 24-1 in the Senate and 68-1 in the House.
Get Your Stabbing On at Buffy Bootcamp
This is admittedly a little old news, but I just saw this clip playing in a NYC cab yesterday and we just celebrated the 20th anniverary of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so I’m counting it as new news!
Apparently, you can sign up for Buffy Bootcamp, a training and martial arts class for female vampire-hunters which ends in a vampire-hunting expedition to earn your “Slayer Certification” and it’s probably the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. Enjoy!
Sunday Funday, Kristin Chenoweth, and Lady Gaga are Changing the World with Love Stories
Happy Sunday Funday, neatly organized coffee table books! My SoulCycle instructor this week just went ahead and played Eminem in class and honestly, who the fuck does that? And thus, I come bearing a whole lot of good gay news and warm fuzzy links to make everything better and facilitate my own emotional healing and thus yours as well. Enjoy!
7 Lesbian Couples Who Changed the World
I watched Love, Actually this week and thought about what my signs would say. No, that’s a lie, I’ve thought about this before. Just so everyone knows, they say: To me, you are v wonderful / And my Leo heart will love you until the world really has burned down / Let’s start a revolution / Get in the fucking car.
Anyway, these seven lesbian couples changed the world and we will, too. Just saying.
Daily Reminder: McCrory is Still Losing
Kristin Chenoweth Has No Time for Your Anti-Gay Bullshit
When Kristin Chenoweth was asked about LGBT rights in the time of Trump at a press conference, she went off. Bless it.
The Hairspray Live! star and religious ally preached acceptance of the LGBT community at a recent press junket for the NBC production, after The Advocate asked whether she felt a newfound responsibility to these fans in the wake of Donald Trump’s election and the recent surge of hate crimes.
“It’s interesting being a person — not to get weird — but a person of faith, a woman in show business in the 21st century,” said Chenoweth, a Tony Award-winning actress known for roles in Broadway’s Wicked and TV’s Pushing Daisies and GCB.
“God is love, and it seems like the opposite of that happens a lot, instead of acceptance and love… Not tolerance — acceptance, that’s my message,” she said…
“Hopefully, we evolve, and we become better for it,” she said.
Mike Pence’s Neighbors Don’t Like His Homphobia, Either
Mike Pence is moving to DC and the neighborhood isn’t too happy about the new homophobe on the block. Laneia linked to this story earlier this week but I wanna make sure your eyeballs see it because y’all.
A Victory, For Now
The future of LGBT rights in America is uncertain. But today, we can celebrate that Congress killed legislation that would’ve allowed federal contractors to fire LGBT people by striking the discriminatory Russell Amendment from the National Defense Authorization Act. That’ll be fun until Trump is president!
AP//Jacquelyn Martin
Thanksgiving at the Ali Forney Center Was More Lit Than Previously Reported
I thought it was badass that Madonna showed up at the Ali Forney Center for Thanksgiving. Then I found out it was even more badass because Lady Gaga came thru the next day.
I spent a beautiful morning w/ 🏳️🌈 youth @AliForneyCenter the largest drop-in center in the 🌎. I brought 🎁& led them in a group meditation pic.twitter.com/ZinvWkcKqJ
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) November 26, 2016
“I’m here today not because I had to excruciatingly pull time out of my schedule to come be here,” Gaga said at the center, according to I Heart Radio. “I’m here because I want to be here. And I’m here because I want this to affect other people around the world and to remind them that when they are kind, it not only makes the other person feel good, but it makes me feel good too.”
You Need Help: You Want to Be an Out Beauty Queen
feature image via shutterstock.com
The following question has been slightly revised to maintain the anonymity of the writer.
Q: In recent years, I have become aware and comfortable with the fact that I am a lesbian. My family accepts me, my college accepts me, I accept me, and most all of my friends/people I know accept me.
In the last few years, I have won state and national sporting titles. In competing, I have made many friends. However, this is the only group who I have not come out to, mostly due to the fact that they are god-revering, slightly red-neck folks. I am afraid that they will take my titles away from me and completely shun me.
I am also afraid of running for a state title with the Miss America Organization, a dream of mine, because I don’t think that my state is ready for a “gay celebrity” representing them.
I have thought about just avoiding the subject, but unfortunately my girlfriend and sexuality are a big part of my life and myself. Please help me overcome this with some confidence and classy techniques.
A: Don’t underestimate readiness. Here’s a list of things people weren’t ready for…until they were.
- People weren’t ready for the iPhone, but we gave Steve Jobs all of our money.
- People weren’t ready for White Chocolate Wonderful Peanut Butter, but — wait, did someone say White Chocolate Wonderful? BRB.
- People weren’t ready for sexy to come back, but Justin Timberlake made us wonder how we’d been living for so long without it.
- People weren’t ready for Beyonce to drop an unannounced, self-titled album, but let’s just take a guess at how many people spent their lunch money on it.
- People weren’t ready to be changed and inspired by selflessness, and then there was Mother Teresa.
- People weren’t ready for “fetch” to happen, but…well, that never happened. Sorry Gretchen Weiners. Forget that one.
You see? There were lots of things that people weren’t ready for until it got here. So, I believe the thing to focus on here is not the readiness of others, but the readiness of yourself. It seems as though you have a pretty strong system with the acceptance of your family, friends, college, and self; that’s half of the battle right there! Having a strong support system when it comes to anything that you do is important, but I know it is especially important for today’s queer folks coming out. It’s especially important because we live in a world where acceptance is growing, but just as acceptance grows, so does hate and I am sure that the “hate” part is what troubles you most. One of the most important things I have learned in life is this: People will love you and people will hate you for whatever reason, but at the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide who and what is actually important.
If you enter into the pageant world worrying about what any and everyone has to say about you, let me go ahead and tell you — you will be eaten alive and spit out in pieces. I have seen the pageant world work wonders for many young women, and I’ve seen it do a horrible number on others. In order to survive, you must have a strong sense of self, know what you bring to the table and the legacy you want to leave behind. And right now, you have an opportunity to leave a beautiful legacy, but you could miss out on it by sitting around waiting for people to be “ready.”
So, how can you be ready? I want to pull a few things from your letter that show me the areas in which you are ready and the areas that you may want to re-examine.
“In recent years, I have become aware and comfortable with the fact that I am a lesbian.” Let’s go ahead and count that as a win. Self acceptance is so huge! Once you are able to accept yourself, it makes it that much easier for everyone else. Good shot.
“In the last few years, I have won state and national sporting titles.” You know how to compete and you are good at what you do…that’s a another win.
“In competing, I have made friends.” This is great! Another win. In competing, if a crown/trophy/medal is the only thing you walk away with, then you’ve lost.
“However, this is the only group I have not come out to, mostly because they are god-revering, slightly redneck folks.” Well…there is a lot of judgment going on in this one sentence. Not only are you preconceiving prejudices FOR them, but you are also projecting your own judgments on to them. Maybe they do love them some Jesus and maybe they fit all of the “you might be a redneck if” stereotypes, but you are robbing them of a chance to love and appreciate you for who you really are by omitting the truth and in essence, denying yourself for their comfort. I have some friends who are very deeply involved in their church and Christian faith. I know that there are things that we do not agree on because of their own personal, religious convictions. But, you know what? They love me. They love me because I gave them a chance to love me. And I honestly believe that just as much as I did not want to lose them as a friend upon coming out, they did not want to lose me as a friend for not giving them a chance to love me regardless of our differences. If these people are really your friends, they will love you regardless, and if that has to change because of who you love, ask yourself if those really the kinds of people you need in your life?
“…I don’t think my state is ready for a ‘gay celebrity’ representing them.” I have a couple of questions about this statement:
Are you the only gay/queer person in your state?
I’ll go ahead an answer that for you: no, you’re not. You have a girlfriend, so you know there are at least two queer folks in your state. Queer people need to be represented just as straight people do and VISIBILITY IS EVERYTHING. Think of yourself as a human being who represents other human beings —lots of different kinds of human beings. You could never be everything for everyone, so don’t try to be. You are who you are — gay or not. Next question…
Do you only want to be known for being gay?
This is a serious question. Do you or don’t you? It’s totally up to you. Right now, it seems that you are focusing in on one aspect of yourself and making it the end-all-be-all of what you are “allowed” to do. You’ve been competing. You’ve been making friends. You’ve been living your life. The world doesn’t stop because you are a lesbian — don’t forget that. Being a lesbian is a part of who you are, just like your eye color, hair color, favorite food, and obsession or aversion to Miley Cyrus.
“I have thought about avoiding this subject, but unfortunately my girlfriend and my sexuality are a big part of my life and myself.” SELF ACCEPTANCE. You have it. I cannot say it enough — IT IS THE KEY. If you have truly accepted yourself, there is no need to be avoiding “this subject”. You don’t have to wear a rainbow t-shirt to match your knee-high rainbow socks that accent the huge rainbow flag you wave every day. Oh, does that not apply to you? I didn’t think so. Everyone vocalizes differently. For some people, it is very important to them that people know how they identify right off the top so there is no confusion. For others, it comes up whenever it comes up, but they don’t go out of their way to say anything. I look at it like this: think of talking about your girlfriend no differently than someone would talk about their boyfriend. Talk about being a lesbian if the occasion calls for it. The way you identify can be as big or small of a deal as you want it to be, but just make sure it’s some kind of deal that is fitting to you. Avoiding and dancing around “the subject” gets frustrating and annoying, and you will soon find yourself eating a huge slice of self-resentment. You have to be true to you. And from your letter, I feel like you want to be true to yourself, but you don’t want it to be a big deal. If it’s not a big deal, don’t make it a big deal.
The last thing that concerns me was just one word: “UNFORTUNATELY.” Do you love and accept your girlfriend? Do you love and accept yourself? If the answer to each of these is yes, how is that unfortunate? I’m not going to lie, the placement of that word kind of broke my heart because it honestly felt like, “I could do this, but all my gay is holding me back.” Your gay doesn’t hold you back. Your gay makes you great. Your ability to accept yourself makes you great. Your willingness to live in your truth makes you great. Being who you are makes you great — and there’s nothing unfortunate about being great.
Think about all of the lives you could change and the opportunities you could encounter by competing. Think of how proud you make the people who know and love you and the people who don’t know you, but still love you. Think about the difference you could make in the way the world views the “beauty queen.” You have an opportunity here to not only step out of the box, but to kick a hole in that thing. It’s not about everyone else being ready, it’s about you being ready. I don’t have any fancy tricks or “classy techniques” to give you on how to tame your gay enough so that the heteroes don’t feel threatened. But what I can offer you, in conclusion, is this: You determine your legacy. You determine what is a big deal and what is not. You determine who matters and who doesn’t. You determine if self acceptance outweighs outside acceptance (I’ll, give you a hint: it does). You determine whether or not you will be great. And remember, there’s nothing unfortunate about being great.
DIY Hogwarts Owls for Halloween
So my girlfriend and I were invited to a very serious Harry Potter-themed Halloween/birthday party. While neither of us have a lot of enthusiasm for H.P. (I know, I know, I’m sorry!) we knew enough vague facts to brainstorm some ideas. Like, the fact that there are owls. So I set to work on figuring out how in the world to make owl costumes that were a) recognizable as owls and b) customizable so that we would clearly be an owl couple rather than twin owls (kind of the same principles to apply when working out who can have which short alternative lifestyle haircut). I spent a lot of time looking at pictures of owls on the internet. And this is what I came up with!
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DIY Hogwarts Owls
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yes that is a sorting hat
You will need:
Felt in light brown, dark brown, white, and yellow
Two plastic masks
Glue
Paper/a pen
additional paper/twine (optional: use only if you are making Harry Potter-specific owls)
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Part One: Owl Faces
This requires some planning. So first, trace the shape of the mask on a piece of paper, including the eye holes. Then, draw owl ears on it. Or rather, approximations of owl ears — owl ears are pointy and triangular, kind of like this guy has:
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Cut the shape you just made out of brown felt, and glue it down to the mask. Make sure it’s pressed down into all the mask’s various curves. I made one in light brown and one in dark brown.
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Now, return to your drawn template, and draw a figure-eight shape over the eye holes. Then cut it out in white felt.
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To make the nose, draw an ice cream cone shape where the nose should be, and cut it out in yellow felt. Glue it to the white figure-eight shape. This is also when you are going to customize the owl’s face. For mine, I gave my owl mask long brown eyelashes. For the second mask, I made triangular shaped eyebrows.
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Now glue it down to the base of the mask, and you’re done with Part One! Just make sure the eye holes line up.
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butch/femme owl face realness
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Part Two: Wings
To make a wing, cut your felt into the shape of half of a heart. They should be big enough to cover about 2/3 of your upper arm. The pattern of the owl wing is completely up to you; owl wings come in a lot of beautiful, intricate patterns, and it’s pretty much up for interpretation (for the sake of these costumes). I cut felt into teardrop shapes for feathers and made two different designs for each pair of wings. One is alternating light and dark brown, and the other is kind of a star burst effect, starting with white at the tip and darkening to brown around the edge.
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To wear the wings, just safety pin them to your shirt. So we’d look like we knew what we were doing, I made tiny paper scrolls tied with twine, and we carried them around like owls with letters from Hogwarts.
More Queer Couples’ Costume Ideas as Determined by Autostraddle Staff:
+ Rhianna and Katy Perry at the VMAs
+ Hothead Paisan and Chicken
+ Pam and Tara
+ Each other (do this only if you are okay with your friends rolling their eyes at you forever)
+ Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas
+ Romi Klinger and Michelle’s high school reunion
+ Pebbles and Bam Bam
+ Any vintage couple from this list
+ Butches leaning on things
+ Calvin and Hobbes
+ Valerie Solanas and Andy Warhol
+ Thelma and Louise
+ Oprah and Gayle
+ Danny and Sandy from Grease
+ Michael and Stephanie from Grease 2
+ Drake and Nicki Minaj
+ Dolly Parton and Dolly the Sheep
+ Dolly the Sheep and Clone
+ Starbuck and Laura Roslin
+ Hilary Clinton and Michelle Obama, 2016 Presidential Elections
Tell me your favorite queer grrrl duo costumes!
Argentina Is Trans* Rights All-Star, Chile and Cuba On The Gay Rights Upswing
Feature Image by Natacha Pisarenko. Via the Washington Post
While President Obama was evolving on gay rights, politicians in other countries were taking gay rights to the next level. In the last week, Chile, Argentina and Cuba have all seen monumental moments for equal rights. Maybe if Obama doesn’t win the next election, I’ll stop making half-hearted jokes about moving to Canada and actually relocate to Latin America.
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Chile
Chile’s congress passed a new hate-crime bill 25-2. The bill, which is the country’s first to include protection for gay individuals, allows for anti-discrimination lawsuits and adds hate-crime sentences. Though held up in Chile’s Congress for seven years, efforts to pass the anti-discrimination law were refueled following the gay bashing and murder of Daniel Zamudio. Zamundio was attacked by neo-Nazi, specifically members of Nazis del Centro, who threw rocks and bottles at him, burned him with cigarettes and carved swastikas into the young gay man before he slipped in to a coma and died.
The law, which is now widely referred to as the Zamudio Law, defines discrimination as “distinction, exclusion or restriction that lacks reasonable justification” and protects against those targeted due to their “race, ethnicity, nationality, socioeconomic status, ideology, political opinion, religious beliefs, participation in organizations or lack thereof, sex, gender, sexual orientation, appearance, health and disabilities.”
From Gay Liberation and Integration Movement President Rolando Jimenez:
This is the beginning of the end for those who discriminate against sexual orientation, disability, ethnic origin and race. Today citizens have a judicial tool to defend themselves against discrimination. That is very good news. Starting today, Chile is a better place to live.
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Argentina
Argentina made news Friday as it officially sits on top of the world of trans* rights. Previously being the first country in Latin America to legalize gay marriage, Argentina is now the first country in the world to allow individuals to change their legal gender, image and name without a judge’s or doctor’s approval. Additionally, children under 18 can legally change their gender with consent from their parents. Alternatively, parents cannot change their child’s legal gender without the child’s consent and a judge intervening to protect the child’s interest. In other words, Argentinean law now recognizes that it is not your body or actions that determine your gender, it’s how you personally identify.
The new law is critically important for individuals or can’t or don’t want to undergo costly surgeries or who haven’t been living as their true self for an extended period of time (as is often required for legal gender changes in other countries). Still, health insurance companies are now required to provide hormone treatment or surgery at no extra cost for those who seek it. “There’s a whole set of medical criteria that people have to meet to change their gender in the U.S., and meanwhile this gives the individual an extraordinary amount of authority for how they want to live” said Stanford University medical anthropologist and bioethicst Katrina Karkazis. “It’s really incredible.”
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Cuba
During a Cuban gay pride parade in Havana, Mariela Castro announced that her father, President Raul Castro, supports gay rights and hopes to end gender/sexuality based discrimination. Though Mariela Castro is not queer, she has long advocated for gay rights and runs Cuba’s National Center for Sex Education. “[President Castro] has done some advocacy work, speaking of the need to make progress in terms of rights based on sexual orientation and gender identity,” said Mariela Castro. “He himself has said that… we cannot make progress if we continue to live with these prejudices.”
Historically, homosexuality was stigmatized and criminalized in Cuba. Members of the LGBTQ community were interned in forced labor camps during the 60s and 70s, public homosexual displays of affection were illegal until 1979, and the government cracked down on LGBT groups and individuals during the late 90s and early 2000s. Still, gay rights appear to be improving in Cuba. In 2010, Cuban government legalized gender reassignment surgery and included it in the state-sponsored healthcare. That same year, Fidel Castro called pursecution of homosexuals under his regime “a great injustice, great injustice” and took responsibility for allowing it to occur.
In many ways, Mariela Castro’s comments seem to be part of a growing trend towards gay rights in Cuba. Her comments follow a January resolution by Cuba’s Communist Party Congress “to fight against all forms of discrimination, including against sexual discrimination, and discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation and sexual identity.” Mariela Castro even indicated that President Raul Castro, while against gay marriage, might find support for civil unions. “The Cuban president… has been talking about this issue, but he has not made it public,” she said. “It is surely part of his strategy.” Unfortunately, as Cuba remains a country where protest is illegal, equality will only be realized if President Raul Castro does decide that gay rights are in his strategy.
New York Magazine Talks About Feminism, Ms., “The Lady Blogosphere”
via new york magazine
Carolyn’s Team Pick:
New York Magazine has an interesting look at Gloria Steinem and the history of Ms. magazine, oral-history style.
Steinem: Clay gave me my first serious assignment when he was an editor at Esquire: a piece on the contraceptive pill.
Clay Felker in the Washington Post, December 12, 1971: “She doesn’t like this story but I saw her standing outside my office one day and I thought she had great legs. I gave her her first bylined assignment and it was excellent.”
Nancy Newhouse (co–founding editor, preview issue): Clay wasn’t a feminist in the classic sense.
There is a sense that quite a few people involved with getting Ms. started were not necessarily feminists “in the classic sense.” However, this does not always come across as a bad thing. The article includes pieces of personal conversations, article excerpts, and interviews from before the founding of the magazine, until its falling popularity in the 1990s and revival in 2001. Basically the piece is like How Sassy Changed my Life except in miniature, and not about Sassy.
Lindsy Van Gelder (contributor, 1977–92): Anything that equated feminism with lesbianism lost Ms. potential advertisers, and the first article in which I came out [February, 1984] was radical even by the lesbian standards of the day. It was called “Marriage As a Restricted Club,” and it was about my decision not to attend weddings of straight friends and family members. It was also a plea for straight feminists to understand that they had rights I didn’t.
Steinem: It was always clear to me that feminists were going to be called lesbians … so the only answer was to make clear that being a lesbian was as honorable as any other way of living. When people on the road asked in a hostile way if I was a lesbian, I always said, “Not yet.”
Another feature in NY Mag this week wants to tell you all about feminism and women writing on the Internet, from the founding of Jezebel to Feminist Ryan Gosling, albiet slightly dramatically:
“Perhaps more important, these sites inspired an even sharper cadre of commenters, who bonded and argued, sometimes didactically, sometimes cruelly, but just as often pushing one another to hone their ideas—all this from a generation of women written off in the media as uninterested in any form of gender analysis, let alone the label ‘feminist.’ Freed from the boundaries of print, writers could blur the lines between formal and casual writing; between a call to arms, a confession, and a stand-up routine—and this new looseness of form in turn emboldened readers to join in, to take risks in the safety of the shared spotlight.”
Their (admittedly abridged) list of feminist blogs/”The Lady Blogosphere” does not mention Autostraddle, which is quite openly (and singularly) a queer feminist blog, or any other website dedicated to a queer female audience.
And on the internet response to SlutWalks:
“These events weren’t polite demands for legislative change; they were raw and sloppy theatrical displays, ecstatic bonding experiences that managed to be at once satirical and celebratory, alienating and illuminating. Not coincidentally, they were also the kind of protest that was hard to ignore, since they were designed to capture the camera’s (and the media’s, a.k.a. my) eye. And SlutWalk is more public still: Even as we march, it is being tweeted and filmed and Tumblr’d, a way of alerting the press and a way of bypassing the press. I am surrounded by the same bloggers I’ve been reading for weeks. And though bystanders cheer us on (two gray-haired women dance topless in a window), this is very much a march for young women, that demographic that has been chastised throughout history for seeking attention—and ever more so in recent years, as if publicity itself were a venereal disease, one made more resistant by technology.
But then again, who is going to hear your voice if you can’t get their attention?”
Have you read these articles? What did you think?
How To Get Out Of Any Conversation
By Anna North
We’ve all been there: trapped in a seemingly neverending conversation with no obvious way out. How do you escape without hurting the other person’s feelings. Never fear — whether you’re at a party, on the phone, or stuck in an email chain, we have exit strategies for you.
Focus on your conversation partner.
This may not be the advice you want to hear when someone’s been talking your ear off for twenty minutes about his cat’s dental problems. But really, the only reason it’s stressful to get out of situations like these is that you don’t want to make your (long-winded) conversation partner upset. I spoke to Ann Marie Sabath, author of Business Etiquette: 101 Ways to Conduct Business with Charm and Savvy, who says the key to avoiding this is to “focus on the other person.” Don’t just say “I need to get to a 2:00 meeting” — instead, “Say something the other person mentioned during your encounter like ‘Joe, I hope your son’s soccer game goes well.'” Bringing the attention back to the other person can let them know you were listening to them, not just looking for a way out. I also talked to Jacqueline Whitmore, founder of EtiquetteExpert.com and author of the upcoming Poised for Success: Mastering the Four Qualities That Distinguish Outstanding Professionals, who puts this a bit differently: “you have to engage before you disengage.” Let the person know that you’re interested in them and what they have to say before you take off.
Take control.
Whitmore says,
There’s something called a conversational rambler, somebody who will just go on and on if you allow him or her to. If you have a conversation with someone like that, you have to take control — otherwise you’re going to zone out, and that person’s going to keep talking. One of my suggestions is, take control of the situation by asking that person a question, and then that person will answer the question, and then you conclude.
If you control the flow of conversation, you have more influence over when it ends. And you can bring it to a natural close without suddenly interrupting someone.
Prepare in advance.
If you’re on the phone, and you know you don’t have much time, Whitmore advocates stating that up front, “letting them know what your timeframe is.” That way when you have to leave after ten minutes, you’re not being a jerk — you already let them know this was going to happen. This strategy could also work, with some modification, at a party — “I’m on my way out, but I just wanted to say hi.” Warning: do not use this method if you are not actually on your way out, because then the person will see you chatting with others and be annoyed.
Use subterfuge tactics.
Kat Griffin, founding editor of Corporette.com, advocates a little harmless “subterfuge” to get out of seemingly endless conversations. Going to get another drink is an oldie, but also a goodie — nobody can begrudge you for getting more refreshments. Just remember that if you promise to bring someone else back something, you should actually do it. Griffin says you can also say something like, “if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go to talk to Bob — I want to make sure I catch him before he leaves tonight.” This one is more believable if it looks like Bob might actually leave soon, and less so if everybody just got there. Griffin also has an innovative technique for dealing with chatty coworkers:
Print something that you don’t need to print, and say, “I’ve got to get this thing printed, come with me down the hallway.” At least then you can get them out of your office and out of your space. And then once you get to the printer with them, linger. Don’t head back to your office, head to ladies’ room, head to kitchen. Don’t go back to your office where it can be comfy and it’s just the two of you talking, and he or she can go on and on for hours.
The double-edged sword of “I’m going to let you go.”
Whitmore offers this as a possible way of putting a graceful end to a phone call:
You could say something like, “I want to respect your time and I notice that I have another appointment in a few minutes, could I answer this question and then we take this call another time.” You want to make it sound like you’re the one who’s being mindful of the other person’s time, not that that person is wasting your time.
In my experience, this one can work well if you’re sincere about it. “I know you’re really busy, so let’s catch up again soon,” can sound good if the person actually is really busy, or if you’re both in a time-crunch situation. It works less well if you’re just chatting with a friend and then they suddenly say they’re going to “let you go.” That can sound condescending and a bit transparent. In general, sounding like you’re being mindful of the other person’s time works best when you actually are.
Be direct over email.
Griffin’s advice for avoiding endless email chains is simple: “the more abrupt and direct you are the less a reply is necessary.” She advocates the following, especially if you’re emailing a work subordinate: “just thanks and then period, stop asking questions, stop pondering what could be done, don’t even sign it.” In general, Whitmore and Griffin agree that you don’t need to reply to a thank-you. And if a group email chain becomes too long and lacking in substance, Griffin says you should feel free to ignore it. You can always ask somebody to bring you up to speed later if you need to.
Schedule another time to talk.
If a coworker is talking to you when you don’t have the time, Griffin suggests the following:
What I’ve always found to be helpful is to Say, “I really want to hear this but I’ve got so much work to do, let’s grab a drink after work,” or “let’s get a manicure later on this afternoon.” Show that you’re interested and you want to be her friend but that now is not the time.
Similarly, if you need to leave a party, “I’ve got to go, but let’s hang out soon” is a time-honored exit strategy. A caveat: empty plans to hang out later are pretty transparent. If you actually don’t want to pick up the conversation at a later date, don’t suggest this. However, if you’d like to talk more, but just not right now, making plans for later on can be a way of reassuring people that you’re not just blowing them off. And then you can resume at a time when talking is fun for you, not stressful.
Business Etiquette: 101 Ways To Conduct Business With Charm And Savvy [Amazon]
EtiquetteExpert.com [Home]
Poised For Success: Mastering The Four Qualities That Distinguish Outstanding Professionals [Amazon]
Corporette.com [Home]
Image by Steve Dressler.
Originally published on Jezebel. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.
Formspring Friday: Even Brighter Than the Moon
Hello and welcome to a special Canada Day / Impending Fourth of July edition of Formspring Friday, in which Riese and I gather up some questions asked to us on Formspring that we either cannot or will not answer without additional support from you weirdos! Because it takes a village to give personal advice on the internet.
relatively unrelated 4th of july imagery
10 Formspring Questions for You to Answer:
1. Everytime I go out with a girl, I freak out at the thought of any PDA! All of my fears in the matter stem from bad experiences. I’m afraid that my inactions or doubts are hurting my opportunities with wonderful women. Any advice or thoughts?
2. I’m about to graduate college and my girlfriend and I wanna move to a city that has a fun lesbian nightlife and is also enviromentally conscience. Any thoughts?
3. A girl I’ve sort of become friends with lately turned all bitchy on me yesterday & when I stood up for myself she said I was the one being a bitch. No thanks, lady. I wanna know how to break off the relationship without rocking the boat too much.
4. Being the more dominate one in a relationship is amazing to me, but then it hit me, im the biggest baby about things. like walking in the dark/ weird noises/ scary men/ etc. how do i make her feel safe if i cant make myself feel safe?
5. What if every time someone is genuinely interested in being your friend, you feel overwhelmed, freak out and push them away? What if you can’t let people get close to you even though you really, really want to because you’re tired of being alone?
6. Do you think it’s leading someone on if you enter into a relationship expecting it to end? Or is this just how relationships work most of the time? I am new at this.
7. Was it a mistake for me to take back my girlfriend after she cheated on me? It’s been almost 7 months and I can still bring myself to tears just thinking about it.
8. How do I help my daughter lose weight without using shame? I encourage her to eat healthy, etc. but there’s a difference between changing a diet and reducing food intake. She’s currently overweight and pushing obese.
9. My mom told me she wanted me to confide in her and I could tell her anything. I really don’t believe her and decided years ago I wouldn’t come out to her unless I was in a serious relationship. Should I rethink this?
10. One of my labia’s is ALOT bigger than the other. Im 22 and am scared to try anything even hitting on a girl bc my biggest fear is someone going down on me only to reject me bc of that. Ive been too embarrassed to ask any1, but should this be a fear?
Lots for you to think about. Take your time. As always, you’re more than welcome to send your questions to Riese, Rachel or Laneia.
Hey! Did You See That Comment? Friday. In Lieu of a More Creative Name
Hey-o gaymos. This week, KC Danger went to Netroots and Chloe taught you how to behave. We discussed the politics of sex and regurgitated [ew] your own sex tips to y’all. Riese recapped The Real L Word and Pretty Little Liars. Becky has fashion for your queer summer and Rachel cooked with rhubarb. Yummmmm! Riese will be at BlogHer which is appropriate because she was featured in GOMagazine’s 100 Lesbian Women We Love for being the bomb. We sold Autostraddle Shirts again and I’m not going to comment on the availability because it’s a mystery but you can go look at a picture of Kelsey wearing one if nothing else. Before we get to the comments, take a look at our Group of the Week:
Underage Straddlers(in lieu of an inevitably more creative name)
Calling all baby queers! sophieluff has a group for you. I can’t possibly explain it any better or make it sound any more enticing than the group description, so I won’t:
“[Underage Straddlers is] potentially a space to meet new friends, brainstorm gay-straight alliance activities, rant and/or speak reasonably and intelligently about issues particularly relevant to high school queers, ask for advice, look at pictures of kittens and either hungover or sober owls, discuss feelings, etc.”
On GOP Candidate Michele Bachmann Latest Victim of GLITTERBOMB:
The Part Of Your World Award to jifener25:
On Hey Lesbians! You, Too, Can Have Your Dress and Car Stolen By A Straight Lady:
The It Was Actually a Kitchen Supply Store Award to roszs: “Maybe she’d just borrowed the car to go to the U-Haul offices to arrange the next day’s rental?”
On Queer Latinas Have Specific Healthcare Needs, This Billboard Isn’t One of Them:
The Hair Cement Award to lilyv:
On Google Tastes The Gay Rainbow For Pride:
The Feudal System Revival Award to TheVegetarian: “Our future overlords can sure be adorable! You’ve won a loyal minion, Google.”
On Real L Word Episode 203 Recap: Back to Square One, Look What We’ve Become:
The Marissa Award for Marissa to KarmaLuna: “I think the show would be better if Marissa had been standing over the editor’s shoulders and calling them out for their stupidity.
Marissa: “You know what, this is crazy.”
Editor: “But Whitney–”
Marissa: “Do your job right!”
Editor: “But the sex–”
Marissa: “TELL AN ACTUAL STORY!”
On Gay-Inclusive Immigration Reform Could Potentially Be a Thing:
The Except Cheesecake Award to Avery:
Emily Post for Lesbians: Etiquette For Everyone
When one thinks of Emily Post, one thinks of words like outdated, rigid and stodgy. Despite those pre-conceived notions I somehow, on a whim, picked up a copy of Post’s original 1922 book, Etiquette, and was shocked to find it intelligent, scathing, and occasionally beautiful.
Of course some topics, like “How to pack an appropriate trousseau,” are admittedly dull and irrelevant. Yet I found that even seemingly silly topics still offered some keen insight into the intricacies of human behavior, and Post has a gift for thinly veiled sarcasm and a clever turn-of-phrase. Her personality has a force, too, and it emanates from every word. By the time I finished it, I felt like I personally knew that brilliant, vicious Emily Post — and you should too!
I found so much of her advice applicable to modern-day situations that I felt obligated to share it with you so you, too, can experience the joy of Etiquette.
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Highlights from the 1922 Edition of Emily Post’s Etiquette
Conversation
A bore is said to be “one who talks about himself when you want to talk about yourself!” which is superficially true enough, but a bore might more accurately be described as one who is interested in what does not interest you, and insists that you share his enthusiasm, in spite of your disinclination. To the bore life holds no dullness; every subject is of unending delight. A story told for the thousandth time has not lost its thrill; every tiresome detail is held up and turned about as a morsel of delectableness; to him each pea in a pod differs from another with the entrancing variety that artists find in tropical sunsets.
Written Communication
Never send a letter without reading it over and making sure that you have said nothing that can possibly “sound different” from what you intend to say.
Sexting
Remember that every word of writing is immutable evidence for or against you, and words which are thoughtlessly put on paper may exist a hundred years hence. Always keep in mind and never for one instant forget that a third person, and that the very one you would most object to, may find and read the letter.
Common Courtesy
She has a courteous manner that makes every one feel there is nothing in the day’s work half so important as what his visitor has come to see him about! Nor is this manner insincere; for whatever time one sees him, he gives his undivided attention.
Bitching to Your Girlfriend
So many people save up all their troubles to pour on the one they most love, the idea being, seemingly, that no reserves are necessary between lovers. Nor need there be really. But why, when their house looks out upon a garden that has charming vistas, must she insist on his looking into the clothes-yard and the ash-can. There is a big deposit of sympathy in the bank of love, but don’t draw out little sums every hour or so—so that by and by, when perhaps you need it badly, it is all drawn out and you yourself don’t know how or on what it was spent.
Wimps
Introspective people who are fearful of others, fearful of themselves, are never successfully popular hosts or hostesses. If you for instance, are one of these, if you are really afraid of knowing some one who might some day prove unpleasant, if you are such a snob that you can’t take people at their face value, then why make the effort to bother with people at all? Why not shut your front door tight and pull down the blinds and, sitting before a mirror in your own drawing-room, order tea for two?
Keeping Plans
An engagement, even with a member of one’s family, ought never to be broken twice within a brief period, or it becomes apparent that the other’s presence is more a fill-in of idle time than a longed-for pleasure.
Self-Consciousness
Conversational cleverness is of no account in a ballroom; some of the greatest belles ever known have been as stupid as sheep, but they have had happy dispositions and charming and un-self-conscious manners. There is one thing every girl who would really be popular should learn, in fact, she must learn—self-unconsciousness! The best advice might be to follow somewhat the precepts of mental science and make herself believe that a good time exists in her own mind. If she can become possessed with the idea that she is having a good time and look as though she were, the psychological effect is astonishing.
Just Don’t
Don’t think that because you have a pretty face, you need neither brains nor manners.
Don’t think that you can be rude to anyone and escape being disliked for it.
Whispering is always rude. Whispering and giggling at the same time have no place in good society. Everything that shows lack of courtesy toward others is rude.
Don’t allow anyone to paw you.
Don’t hang on anyone for support.
Finding Purpose
It is not even so necessary to do something well as to refrain from doing things badly. If she is not good at sports, or games, or dancing, then she must find out what she is good at and do that! If she is good for nothing but to look in the glass and put rouge on her lips and powder her nose and pat her hair, life is going to be a pretty dreary affair.
Charm
A gift of more value than beauty is charm, which in a measure is another word for sympathy, or the power to put yourself in the place of others; to be interested in whatever interests them, so as to be pleasing to them, if possible, but not to occupy your thoughts in futilely wondering what they think about you.
PDA
Great love is seldom flaunted in public, though it very often shows itself in pride—that is a little obvious, perhaps. This underlying tenderness and pride which is at the base of the attitude of each, only glints beneath the surface of perfect comradeship. Their frank approval of whatever the other may do or say is very charming; and even more so is their obvious friendliness toward all people, of wanting the whole world beautiful for all because it is so beautiful to them.
Enemies
Even if you are placed next to some one with whom you have had a bitter quarrel, consideration for your hostess… exacts that you give no outward sign of your repugnance and that you make a pretence at least for a little while, of talking together.
The Spoiled American Girl
*Note: this is the actual title of a section
Such a girl is always over-dressed, she wears every fashion in its extremist exaggeration, she sparkles with jewelry, and reeks of scent, she switches herself this way and that, and is always posing in public view and playing to the public gallery. She generally has a small brother who refuses to go to bed at night, or to stop making the piazza chairs into a train of cars, or to use the public halls as a skating rink. When he is not making a noise, he is eating. And his “elegant” sister looks upon him with disdain.
She is nearly always alone, and the book she is perpetually reading is always opened at the same page, and she is sure to look up as you pass.
Sound advice! Check out the 17th edition of Etiquette.
Carmen’s Team Pick: Emotionally Volatile Bear
I had written a Team Pick last night for this meme I found on the internet, but I deleted it at 2:24 in the morning because I had an entirely new range of feelings that no longer included crying in New Jersey at “50 people, 1 question” and instead consisted of listening to the Darjeeling Limited Soundtrack in my room until I could fall asleep.
Hello, world. Meet Emotionally Volatile Bear, or, something that might be your life story.
Formspring Friday: Ten Chances to Make the World a More Well-Advised Place
It’s a scientifically proven fact that lesbians and bisexuals and otherwise-labeled or label-free people like that have approximately 463% more feelings and questions than their straight counterparts. What to do! Formspring Friday, duh. Grab some coconut water and get comfortable because these queerdos need your help!
via thelwords.tumblr.com
10 Formspring Questions for You to Answer:
1. MY GF is funny, beautiful, but doesn’t like to read, talk politics, eat new cuisines, all of which I LOVE. When do you know when you have just enough in common and should suck it up when it comes to the differences and when to find someone new?
2. My girlfriend got her hair buzzed and I don’t find her attractive anymore. I just feel really threatened by buzzcuts. What do I do?
3. Is it a bad idea to ask a women in my softball league (different team) who is quite a bit older and whom I never really met on a date right after introducing myself? We’ve both totally checked each other out, but she hasn’t made a move yet.
4. Very important question: vests. where do lezzies buy vests?
5. I’m 23 and work at a college. The students I work with are around my age and see me as a peer. I went to a conference as an advisor and I think one of the students from the trip is interested in me? I’m interested back/conflicted/what should I do?
6. I came out the closet two yrs ago but ended up meeting a nice guy and started dating him but now all I can think about it women and how I really want to be with one (sexually) I’m not sure what to do because I really care for him a lot.
7. I think I might be asexual, but I’m emotionally/romantically attracted to girls, which I guess would make me a homo-romantic asexual. Are there even any girls who would be willing to date me?! And how/when do i let them know what to expect from me…?
8. My girlfriend and I love each other. It’s actually real. Her mom informed her yesterday that they are moving back to Canada after graduation, and there is no way that she can stay here in the U.S. with me, because we’re both 17. Your thoughts?
9. I’ve decided that I will not come out to my family because I think its dumb that I have to “come out” as me. My sister didn’t have to have a production when she starting dating a guy. Do you think a formal “coming out” is necessary?
10. I find out through the rumor mill that a friend I used to think was the straightest of straight dudes might actually be bisexual. As a fellow bi, how do I let him know that I’m someone he can talk to without forcing him to tell me if he’s not ready?
Lots for you to think about. Take your time. As always, you’re more than welcome to send your questions to Riese, Rachel or Laneia.
Totally unrelated thumbnail cereal imagery is totally unrelated.
Dear Lizzie Thinks Bi-Questioning Teen Should Just Not Think About That Right Now
Wanna help me pick apart this advice columnist’s response to a 14 year-old girl who may or may not be gay or bisexual? Ok!
Dear Lizzie,
I am a 14 year-old female. I think that I might be a lesbian. I don’t know if I’m a lesbian or I’m bisexual. I don’t even know if this is just a phase that I’m going through.
I have liked boys, but I have also liked more girls then boys. I’ve told a few of my friends that I’m bisexual. They seemed OK about it.
What I’m worried about is going into high school and me being the only one who’s a lesbian or gay. I don’t want to stay in the closet forever.
I want to be able to tell my family that I’m gay or that I have a girlfriend. I don’t know what to do please help me!!
– Worried, Connecticut
Dear Worried,
In the beginning you said you weren’t sure, and then at the end of your question, you said you are gay. You seem a bit confused about where you stand sexually, and I think that’s where the problem lies.
The fact is you are 14 years old. You are still so young. My advice would be to wait it out a bit.
You have plenty of time before high school begins. At your young age, this shouldn’t be your main concern.
I know it may be in the back of your head, and you are starting to explore and learn about your body. It’s OK to be young and be confused.
You shouldn’t be telling anybody at school. Nobody needs to know about your private life right now.
If friends are pressuring you into telling them things, and badgering you about it, you don’t need to give in to that. Peers at your age can be very cruel and misunderstanding about such important matters.
Just be yourself, and don’t give in to peer pressure. You don’t need to come out of the closet when you don’t even know if you are in one yet.
I think at your age you should be worrying about homework, academics and sports.
Wait until you’re older to get serious about it and worry about it.
If you grow up to be gay or lesbian, there’s nothing wrong with it. You are still a person, and good for you for being yourself and following your heart.
The thing about high school is you would NOT be the only gay or bisexual student there. School can, however, be a rough time for a homosexual individual: There is bullying, friends may treat you differently, and there is an increased rate of dropping out.
But have no fear: A lot of high schools have gay and lesbian alliance clubs and anti-bullying programs. You cannot be treated differently because of your sexual orientation.
As far as approaching your parents about it, I’m sure they love you and will understand. If you are closer to your mom or dad, approach that parent one-on-one and open up. Your parent will be on your side.
Whoever you decide to date will come naturally. Don’t force it or ignore it, as you are young and shouldn’t be worrying about having a girlfriend or boyfriend.
I personally know a lot of people that thought they were gay or lesbian, and it turned out they were not.
Just enjoy being young and being happy. You will figure it all out on your own time at the right time.
I’m going to translate this for you into what everyone actually means. Please note that the bold emphasis below is my own, because that’s a very important part.
Dear Lizzie,
I’m a 14 year-old female and I’ve been romantically interested in both sexes, but more girls than boys. I’m not sure if this means that I’m a lesbian or a bisexual or just going through a ‘phase.’ I’ve told some of my friends that I’m bisexual and they seem fine with it.
What I’m worried about is being the only gay person in high school. It seems like if I’m the only one, I’ll never have a girlfriend. I want a girlfriend and also I’d like to be able to tell my parents about her. I don’t want to stay in the closet forever.
Are there gay people in high school?
— Worried
Does this sound like a girl who’s drowning in a sea of sexual confusion? Or a girl who wants a girlfriend and would like to know what her chances are re: getting one next year. B! It sounds like B!
But that’s not what Dear Lizzie heard. She heard a girl who has no idea what she wants.
Also apparently Dear Lizzie heard a girl who lives in a pre-MTV world where no one under the age of 22 has ever heard of lesbians or knows what having a girlfriend would even entail and therefore would be totally content just hanging out with her little sister, reading some Sweet Valley High books and thinking about horses.
Fourteen is not “still so young.” Patronizing much? The columnist, Elizabeth Mahoney, basically dismisses everything written after “I don’t even know if this is just a phase that I’m going through” and chalks it all up to complete and total (but normal for her age!) confusion.
Do you think a lot of straight 14 year-old girls are wondering if they really like boys or if they might want to date girls? Because they’re not. Only the queer kids are ‘confused’ about that, thanks to being raised in a predominately heteronormative culture where being gay is typically either something that only exists on the periphery, or is abnormal, disgusting or immoral enough to warrant total rejection or possibly death. I mean, who can blame a girl for weighing her options, really.
Mahoney then proceeds to shame this girl even deeper into denial / self-loathing with the classic “You shouldn’t be telling anybody at school. Nobody needs to know about your private life right now.” You know the deal: “We don’t mind if you’re gay, as long as you don’t flaunt it.” and “What you do behind closed doors is your business. I don’t need to know about it.” I’m pretty sure my mother still doesn’t understand the ignorance of that last one.
Also, what the hell does she think teenage girls talk about? The stock market? No, they obviously talk about their ‘private’ lives. It’s like, what they do. Mahoney feels like this teen should focus more on homework / academics. Hahahahhha yeah join the club, lady.
Lizzie redeems herself slightly by telling this woefully confused youth that there are other gay girls in high school, that it’s good to follow her heart and that GSAs exist.
But then Mahoney makes the most absurd assumption of all by advising Worried to — if the need arises, of course — come out to the parent she’s closest to first, because that parent will be ‘on her side.’ Mahoney tells her that her parents will understand and love her regardless. Wouldn’t it be fabulous if we could hand out that guarantee with the birth certificates?
I feel like Elizabeth Mahoney meant well with this reply and probably felt like she was being super progressive to even consider the fact that this girl might truly NOT be just having a ‘phase.’ She took the time to cover almost every possible angle.
Except, of course, the one where you trust a young person’s ability to know a thing or two about herself and the world.
Why do adults insist on equating adolescence with stupidity? Worried wasn’t worried about being gay, she was worried about being the only one and worried about when in ones queer life cycle one must inform the others, which is a pretty common theme among gay youth. It’s why we fight to keep And Tango Makes Three in school libraries and make It Gets Better videos and why Team Autostraddle even exists and why people say “visibility matters!”
Because it does! Because you’re not alone out there.
The Lost Art of Actually Talking on the Phone
by Anna North
Look, we all know the phone is scary. But sometimes you can’t avoid it. Herewith, a few tips for making calls without sounding like a weirdo.
via weareallmadeofkittens
1. Decide if you really need to call.
There’s a reason kids today never call each other anymore. Actually, lots of reasons. For one, unless you are a creeper (or a journalist) and you tape your calls, you have no record of your conversation. It’s also hard to hear. So if what you really need to do is get some specific data across, text or email can be a lot better. This is especially true of addresses, and anything that’s difficult to spell.
Also, the phone is awkward, especially with people you don’t know very well. It’s hard to know how to interpret pauses, people talk over each other, and there are so many opportunities to flub pleasantries (“Hi!” “Good.” “What?” “I mean I’m good, how are you?”) without the potential to play them off that in-person contact affords. So I know I’ll get some argument here, but I think it’s totally fine, and perhaps even preferable, to schedule first dates by text or email. Same goes for hanging with a new friend or having coffee with a business contact. Unless you love the phone, go ahead and make life easy on yourself.
I talked to Barbara Pachter, business etiquette expert and author of The Jerk with the Cell Phone: A Survival Guide for the Rest of Us and Greet! Eat! Tweet!: 52 Business Etiquette Postings To Avoid Pitfalls and Boost Your Career, who gave me a couple more tips on when the phone is appropriate. First, “if someone calls you, you should call them back” — don’t respond to a phone call with a text or email. Also, if you need to discuss a personal matter, calling is usually better than email. Example: breaking up with someone you’ve been on a few dates with. Of course, some matters — like ending a long-term relationship, for instance — are so personal they should really be handled in person. But Pachter points out that in any situation where you fear for your safety, a phone call is better than a physical confrontation — though in this case you may want to think about whether you actually want to contact the person at all.
2. Get the names right.
This should go without saying, but make sure you know the name of your contact before you call her. And don’t use a nickname unless you know it’s cool. Pachter’s example of a bad approach: “Your name is Anna, and I would say, ‘is Annie there?'” She is right — if anyone calls me Annie, over the phone or anywhere else, I will cut them. People can get a little protective about their names, and it’s important to get them right. Also: when you call someone, don’t forget to say your own name. And when you pick up, unless you already know the caller, it’s important to identify yourself as well.
3. Speak loudly enough, and slowly enough, but not too slowly.
Again, basic — but Pachter says one if the biggest mistakes callers make is that “they don’t speak loudly enough so people can hear them.” And we all have that friend we always let go to voicemail because we need three playbacks just to figure out what he’s saying. You don’t want to yell into the phone — especially if you’re talking on your cell in public — but don’t whisper either. Pachter points out that this is especially important if you’re shy — you don’t want the anxiety to come through in your voice. She recommends having good posture to ensure you can speak loudly and confidently.
In a similar vein, Jeannie Davis, president of Now Hear This, Inc. and co-author of Beyond “Hello”: A Practical Guide for Excellent Telephone Communication and Quality Customer Service, told me it’s important for callers to remember to “moderate our rate of speech.” This means not racing through things, but it also means not speaking painfully slowly either. If you’re not sure what to say and you need to hesitate a ton, it might be good to plan a little more before you make calls. As Davis points out, it’s not too hard to ask someone to slow down, but it is tough to comfortably get someone to talk faster. In general, remember that it’s a lot harder to understand someone’s voice over the phone than in person, and adjust accordingly.
4. Be positive.
Obviously, with your best friends, it’s okay to unload. But if you’re talking on the phone to business contacts or people you don’t know very well, it’s a good idea to sound upbeat, even if you’re in a crappy mood. Says Davis, “If you’ve got a negative attitude that day for whatever reason, it can come through in your vocal tone. We tend not to pay much attention to the use of positive words and phrases.” But it’s not too hard to put those positive phrases back into our speech. Davis’s example: instead of “I can’t have a technician there until Tuesday,” say “I can have a technician there on Tuesday.” Sure, your contact might still be mad that whatever is broken is going to stay broken til Tuesday, but at least you’re not also infecting her with your ennui and existential despair. Save those for online dating.
5. Smile.
Says Pachter, “If you smile into the phone, it affects the sound of your voice.” Davis concurs. Especially for people who are shy about phone calls, she recommends the following:
They ought to get a small mirror to remember to put the smile in your voice. People hear you smile through the telephone. […] I suggest that [people] get a small mirror to put on their desk somewhere near the phone just as a friendly reminder to smile.
She adds that smiling “lifts your intonation” and “can even increase your energy level.” It’s cliched but true that when you’re in a bad mood, smiling can make you feel a little better. And if you have to make a bunch of unpleasant phone calls, this may be the pick-me-up you need. Another tip from Davis: “think of the name of a person that you most enjoy being with.” Think of that person’s name before you speak and “you will be amazed at the amount of inflection, at the amount of authenticity, at the amount of personality and/or charisma that might come through on the other end of that phone.”
6. If you need to, jot down notes beforehand.
If you’re especially nervous about a call, it’s totally fine to make yourself a cheat-sheet. Says Pachter,
The beauty of a phone call […] is that people don’t see you, so you can have notes in front of you. Now you don’t want to sit there and read your script when you’re talking into a phone, but it can really help keep your thoughts together. And if you think it’s going to be a difficult call, you can anticipate ahead of time what the person is going to say, and you can have your response ready for you. So you can really prepare, and for people that are shy that’s really helpful.
7. Leave brief voicemails — but know they might be ignored.
Pachter’s advice for voicemail:
If you do leave a message, keep it short and sweet. You don’t want to ramble. It’s good to leave your number just in case it’s not a cell phone that you’re leaving the message on, because then they don’t have to look it up. […] Give the reason for the call, and again speak clearly and slowly so people can understand you.
But even if you do everything right, the reality is your contact might not listen to the message. Listening to voicemail is kind of a pain, and lots of people just call back without checking to see what was said. Pachter’s blog offers a few tips on dealing with this reality:
• Make sure you listen to any client’s, customer’s or boss’s message. You may learn some valuable information.
• Don’t inconvenience people. If you obtain the needed information from a message, you don’t need to interrupt the person with a call.
• If you didn’t listen to the message, let the person know.
• Don’t play games. One manager will tell the caller that he didn’t listen to his or her message when he did. He believes that some employees leave messages to avoid difficult conversations.
And if you leave short, to-the-point messages, you stand a better chance of having your recipient listen all the way through.
8. Follow the Golden Rule.
As in so many social situations, a big part of having a successful phone call is thinking about the other person. Says Davis,
“We tend not to put the shoe on the other foot. I think that there’s a dichotomy between when we’re the customer and we expect to be treated a certain way, and then we go to work the next day and become the service provider, and we have a tendency to treat our customers the very same way that we don’t like to be treated.”
This goes for any kind of phone call — if you appreciate when someone speaks clearly, listens well, and doesn’t sound like the world is ending, chances are your contact does too. And if you notice a behavior that drives you nuts — whether it’s leaving rambling messages, putting you on hold forever, or just garden-variety rudeness, try not to replicate it yourself. A little consideration can go a long way toward making phone calls less unpleasant for everyone.
Originally published on Jezebel. Republished WITH PERMISSION MOTHERF*CKERS.
Formspring Friday: There’s No I in Team
You guys have so, so many feelings and questions! And you share them on Formspring and we love it and it’s great! Occasionally you have more feelings and questions than Riese, Rachel and I can process alone or together, even in a hotel room. It’s then that we turn to the world at large and say “Please! We haven’t the capacity / experience to answer these inquiries! Will you help??”
help us please
And that’s how Formspring Friday got born, bitches! Share your advice in the comments. Everyone will be a better person before the weekend’s over, just you wait and see.
21 Formspring Questions for You to Answer:
1. How do I create my own lesbian identity? i.e. I don’t know how to identify as a lesbian because I’ve only just figured it out, so what do I have to do to understand/feel comfortable with the idea of this being me?
2. I’ve never really ‘done anything’ with a girl. But I’m going to be heading to college this fall, and I’m nervous. I’m gay. I’m sexually oblivious. I guess what I’m trying to say without sounding really awkward is should I shave my girly parts?
3. I just realized that I can’t remember whether or not I’ve ever met Lil Bow Wow and am moderately distraught about the following things: 1) Why do I care? 2) HAVE I ever met Lil Bow Wow???
4. I think I determined I’m gay but I’m scared and confused and have people telling me all this stuff..what do I do? How do I sort things? This is one of the smaller issues in my life but I really dunno what to do :S
5. I’m a femme and no one knows I’m a lesbian. Where can I find erm, gay clothing? Or shirts that are related to being a lesbian I suppose?
6. My gf & I have been together for several yrs but in the last few she’s changed in ways I never imagined–not all of them pleasant. Lately it seems we don’t share a single interest anymore. We seem to be polar opposites now. I’m confused about what to do.
7. How off-putting is bad skin? I’m an adult but I have eczema&other hereditary problems. I think I’m a decent person, but I feel like no one will take the time & get past what they see. Thus far no one’s proven me wrong & my self-esteem is kinda plummeting.
8. Westboro Baptist Church make me lose all faith in humanity, they make me too sad for words and I don’t know what to think or do about this. Is there anything I can do to counteract them?
9. So my girlfriend asked me to choke her. I was like… uhh, okay? And I did. Now I’ve done it more times, but I just don’t like it. She loves it. We’ve been together for a year. She always wants more intense things out of sex. I was content in September.
10. I’m very feminine and dont look gay so I am assumed to be straight by EVERYONE! Thus, I am forced to choose between coming out to errybody, which sucks, or enduring comments that suggest I am straight (bad cuz being gay is important to me) It Gets Better?
11. I think my mom got really confused when I compared being gay to roller coasters. Like before I go on a roller coaster I have to tell myself that the 23423 people before me came out alive, kinda like the millions of gay people. Is that a dumb comparison?!
12. So I kinda like this girl, and she likes me. she’s awesome, really. EXCEPT she has huuuuge stretched ears. I don’t mean small plugs I mean FUCKING HUGE okay. And I just…. I cant do it. I am SO SO SO turned off by it. It’s ruining her for me. I cant even go on a date with her. And she’s hot and lovely and my friends say I’m being too picky and shallow but like…. it’s her head! IT’S HER FACE! It’s horrible. It’s the same with nipple piercings and shitty tattoos. They’re deal breakers for me. Who is right / what do I do?
13. How can I get my mom to stop using gay and queer as an insult? I’ve had the rational ‘it’s hurtful and wrong and this is why’ conversation…but she basically just said that was silly and people are entitled to their opinions. How do I make her listen?
14. The wife and I are about to drive across country on vacation! We are trying to eat healthy and avoid fast food places. Any suggestions?
15. My girlfriend is moving away and she wants me to follow and move in with her. I’m concerned that it’s early in the relationship and she doesn’t know my craziness well enough to want to cohabitate. How do I tell her without it seeming like a break up talk?
16. Last night my gf broke down and told me that she was scared everytime we have sex… She feels guilty that I do ‘everything’. She doesn’t seem to hear that she makes me feel so good every single time! Got any tips to help me build her confidence?
17. I have a friend who is a dude and I think he likes me. I’m totes homo. I think he thinks a chasing Amy situation could happen. How do I nip this in the bud without being awk about it. I do love the guy, just not penis in vagina-style.
18. My mom says really awkward things such as “college admissions people cream their pants over that shit.” Especially in public. How do I make her stop?
19. I make THE WORST first impressions. I’m a really cool, smart person, but I just insane nerves and come off as really stupid and boring or annoying and out of control. i imagine you make really fantastic first impressions. do you have any tips?
20a. I started dating a real, live poet. She’s adorbs, but…I feel emotionally inept. SO many feelings. How do I share?
20b. How do people who cannot share their emotions share their emotions? I would really like to, especially since I’ve been getting all these ~feelings~ lately and I don’t know what to do.
21. Is there a cure for lesbian bed death? I’m afraid we may have hit a brick wall.
Mkay go ahead an yell at me for calling you bitches and THEN help make these people whole, won’t you?
Totally unrelated thumbnail kitten imagery via sirhatdemiroglu
Rachel’s Team Pick: How To Have A Rational Discussion
Excuse me while I have this tattooed on my forehead. (Infographic originally via atheismresource.com)
Rachel’s Team Pick: This Notebook
Look. I’ve written in a lot of things and the fact of the matter is that this is the best thing for writing in.
1. Graph paper.
2. Sturdy black cover.
3. Perfect size.
4. Elastic to hold it shut.
5. Like a Moleskine but better and also you don’t have to be a person who owns a Moleskine.
What are you waiting for. God.