Relevant To Your Interests: You and Your Dog Are Both Nerds

So we panic adopted a dog to counteract this veritable dumpster fire of a year. That is what I did with my week. We named her Edith Windsor. Here she is.

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While I don’t recommend this course of action for just anyone (it can be really stressful, and expensive, and Edith is a five-month-old puppy so I am very tired right now), my mental health is frickin’ awesome. I basically have to interrupt my work day (or my social media think piece panic spiral) with a walk. Outside. In the sun.

We thought we were adopting an average dog, one that would need training because she’s a puppy, sure. We knew we were adopting a dog who had no training and would need to work with her. Well in two days she nailed sit, down and focus. She has object permanence and looks up at pigeons. She can solve her puzzle feeder. She is, in short, a brilliant genius Ravenclaw and I would expect nothing less. Turns out, my dog is a nerd too. Is your dog a nerd? If so, the following items might be relevant to your interests.

Attire

Dinosaur collar, $30. Hook + Albert matching bowties for dog and person, $65. Batman collar, $25.

Play

Set of four emoji toys, $33. Treat dispensing pencil and steer stick, $16. Flying saucer toy, $9. Dog homework, $8.

And for dogs who have nerd smarts: Mazee treat puzzle, $21 and the Buster Activity Mat, $69.

Obligatory Lesbian Joke

Fish taco treats, $6. Fish taco chew toy, $8.

I did name my dog Edie Windsor, after all.

Save a Feral Cat’s Life With a $15 DIY Winter Shelter

Feature image via Shutterstock 

When I moved to New York a few years ago, I didn’t know feral cats were a thing. I knew stray cats were a thing, and I knew just how to handle those little guys. You lure them to you with a piece of hot dog at the little league ballpark or some peanut butter in the church parking lot, and then you scoop them up and take them home and de-flea them and love them forever. Easy peasy. Feral cats, though, are a whole other thing. They live their entire lives outside and can almost never be socialized to behave like house cats. But they’re still cats! I’d only been in New York for about ten minutes when I spotted my first feral cat, and that led me down the path of getting Trap, Neuter, Return certified by the ASPCA; socializing and adopting a litter of feral kittens; and setting up my own community cat colony (Hogwarts School of Witchkittens and Wizardcats is our official registered name with the NYC Feral Cat Initiative).

Being a Dumbledore to a colony of feral cats isn’t for everyone, I get it — but winter is coming, and you can save a feral cat’s life by providing shelter for it. It’s cheap and it’s easy! Below are instructions for making a DIY winter shelter for one cat. They don’t look like much, but they are really effective. Last winter, the shelters I made saw my colony through one of the biggest blizzards in NYC’s history. The snow was hip-deep, but my cats stayed snug and warm and dry in their little Rubbermaid houses.

Step One: Gather Your Supplies

You can get everything you need for a feral cat shelter at Home Depot. In fact, you need so few supplies you can carry them home all by yourself on the subway.

+ A plastic or rubber storage container. I use the HDX 20-gallon tote because it’s the perfect size for one cat after you add the insulation and bedding. Make sure your container has a solid lid on top; flip-top containers that open in the middle will let in snow and rain and cold air.

+ Insulation. You can use just regular styrofoam. That’s what I started with last year, but it got so cold that I ended up taking the houses apart and wrapping the styrofoam in those emergency reflective blankets marathoners use on TV and then putting the houses back together. So this year, I went ahead and paid a little extra for thicker styrofoam with built-in reflection. (This is R-Tech 1″ thick insulating sheathing.)

+ Gorilla tape.

+ Pine straw. The ASPCA recommends that you use pine straw instead of hay as the bedding/extra insulation for feral cat beds because it dries faster and is less allergy-inducing. I couldn’t find pine straw in NYC last year, so I used the kind of hay people put in rabbit beds and it worked just fine. However, my feral cat shelters sit up off the ground and have a roof-type situation over them, so they’re not as likely to get wet inside like one that’s sitting on the ground.

Step Two: Make The Cat Entrance and Water Exit

Cut a cat-sized door into your container. Make it big enough for a cat to fit inside, but not so big that it lets in excess cold air/snow. I like to cover the edges of the door with Gorilla tape because the plastic edges seem poky after I cut them.

Cut two holes in the bottom of one side of your container. You’ll sit the container at a little bit of an incline so any excess water can drain out if it makes its way inside the house.

The plastic of the HDX container is thin enough that just my pocket knife works for all the cutting.

Step Three: Insulate The House

Measure the inside of your container and cut out insulation to make four walls, a floor, and a ceiling. Use Gorilla tape on the outside corners of your walls to make sure they don’t fall in. If you’re using reflective styrofoam, make sure the reflective side is facing into the house on the floor and ceiling, too! You want all sides to be insulated, not just the walls.

Once your floor and walls are in place, cut the door out of the styrofoam.

Add your pine straw.

Step Four: Hi, Bobbi Jean!

If your feral cat is watching you build her house, talk sweetly to her the whole time so she associates the house with you and knows it’s a safe place just for her.

Step Five: Seal It Up

You don’t have to seal the top of the house with tape, but it’ll make it extra dry and also ensures that the lid doesn’t come flying off in a windstorm. Gorilla tape holds through all kinds of bonkers weather conditions, so don’t worry about rain or sleet or snow wearing it down.

You’ll want to find a way to anchor your house. These things are really light. You can use stones inside the house (between the outside insulation and the plastic), or a brick on top of the house. Bobbi Jean’s house wedges under the window just perfectly in my back”yard.”

These cheap and easy shelters really can be the difference between life and death for a cat this winter.

For more information about TNR (the very very very best thing you can do to help feral cats, especially in big cities) (and they help you back by controlling the pest population!), check out the ASPCA. All the training is free and happens on the weekends!

So You’re Allergic To Cats?

I don’t want to play into stereotypes here, but a lot of us have cats. And some of us are allergic to cats. And some of us still have cats anyway (ahem).

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I was one of those sickly kids who had really bad allergies and asthma. I was also one of those kids who REALLY LOVED ANIMALS. I had a nebulizer asthma machine which I had to use for 20 minutes twice a day, and an allergist who I was on first name basis with. I had a “scratch test” done on my back when I was about 8, and every single needle prick raised up, meaning I was allergic to everything. My allergist thought maybe I was overly sensitive so he gave me another test, and, nope, I was actually allergic to everything. He suggested I move to Mars, but that I may be allergic to that too. Thankfully my allergies have gotten a lot better as I’ve gotten older, but unfortunately the cat allergy remains pretty bad.

My allergy panel results from two years ago. This is considered to be a “high” level cat allergy, or RAST level 3.

So you’re allergic, and you want a cat, or you’re dating someone who has a cat and you want to continue dating this person. Or everyone you know and/or want to date or hang out with has cats, because we all do, right? What do you do? Here are some things I’ve learned over the years to allow me to have cats in my life.

First of all, you’re not allergic to the hair like most people think, but instead a protein (Fel d 1) which comes from the oil on the skin and the saliva, so long-haired cats aren’t inherently worse than short-haired cats. This protein is sticky — it sticks to the dander, the fur, you, your clothes, and your living space. Some cat breeds, in theory, have less of this protein. I’ve heard Siberians and Maine Coons are better than the typical Domestic Shorthair, but I’m not sure if this has ever been scientifically proven.

Another thing a lot of people don’t realize is long-term exposure to a specific cat will allow you to build up a tolerance to that cat, so your allergies will be reduced if you live with this cat. It takes several months, and it doesn’t ever go away completely, but it will reduce significantly.

Medication

I’m not a doctor, anything I talk about in terms of treating allergies or asthma is just about my own experiences with my own allergies and asthma, not a health recommendation for others. You should talk to your actual doctor about your own allergies or asthma.

If your allergies are bad, you will probably need to be on an antihistamine. There’s a wide variety of them to try, so if one doesn’t work for you, or if you have side effects, give another one a try.

First Generation Antihistamines

Benadryl (Diphenhydramine) was the first option for allergy sufferers, appearing in 1946. While very effective, unfortunately drowsiness is a huge side effect for most people. I never take it for allergies, but sometimes I take it to sleep, but it does make me groggy and slow the next day. It’s so good at making people sleepy that it’s the active ingredient in Tylenol PM.

Second Generation Antihistamines

Claritin (Loratadine), Zyrtec (Cetirizine), and Allegra (Fexofenadine) are popular over-the-counter second-generation antihistamines. These drugs do not cause drowsiness in most people. If you try one, and you feel out of it and exhausted, try another one. I found Zyrtec to be the most effective for me, but also the one which makes most people I know sleepy. If you find one that does not make you sleepy, take it for a week to really judge its effectiveness. This stuff needs time in your body to work. If you plan to go somewhere where you’ll be exposed, take the pills for at least a few days before hand.

What’s with the “D”? (Claritin-D, Zyrtec-D, Etc.)

The “D” at the end stands for decongestant, and it’s usually Sudafed (pseudoephedrine or phenylephrine) which they’ve added along with the antihistamine. Sudafed is excellent for clearing stuffy/runny noses. It’s also a stimulant (it’s an amphetamine!) so it’s best to not take daily or before bed. I do not take any of these combo versions of antihistamines, but instead have separate Phenylephrine pills in my medicine cabinet for when my allergies are really bad or when I have a cold. I almost never use them.

Nose Sprays

For when the antihistamines just don’t cut it, and I’m still a sniffly mess, I’ll also use either Flonase or Nasacort. You may want to watch a YouTube video to see how to use a nose spray properly if you’ve never done it before.

Eye Drops

If you get really itchy eyes you can try antihistamine eye drops.

Generic! Is! Cheaper! Online!

You guys, generic is a million times cheaper on Amazon than the pharmacy. You can get a year’s supply of antihistamines for like $15 online, and it works just as well.

Hippy Stuff

Some friends of mine swear by Rainbow Light Allergy Rescue. I haven’t tried it myself though.

But What If I Also Have Asthma?

I have allergy and exercise-induced asthma, and all I can say is steroid inhalers are your friends. Popular ones are Alvesco (ciclesonide), Asmanex (mometasone), Azmacort (triamcinolone), Flovent (fluticasone), Pulmicort (budesonide), and Q-Var (beclomethasone), and they all require prescriptions. If you’re hitting that rescue inhaler daily, you probably should be on a steroid – it’s worth talking to your doctor about. Steroids don’t stop an asthma attack, but instead prevent them from happening. They also open my lungs enough to be able to exercise or be around allergy triggers without wheezing. They only work if you remember to take them every day. I put mine in my bathroom next to my toothbrush to remind myself. Wash your mouth out after using, and using a spacer really helps.

Remove The Allergen From Your Body

Shower!

Dander and pollen and most allergens are sticky. They’ll stick to your clothing, your face, the inside of your nose, etc. Showering helps remove them. I recommend showering before bed to rinse off the allergens, and not bring them into your bed with you.

Flush Your Eyes

My eyes don’t bother me enough to use eye drops, I just flush them with plain water if they get itchy. I have this vintage eye wash cup which looks like a little goblet which I fill with plain water and blink into a few times. That works for me.

Wash Your Hands!

After you pet the cat, wash your hands. This may sound obvious but I often forget and then rub my eyes. Oops.

Nose Irrigation

Some folks swear by a neti pot or saline spray. I have a neti pot, and I find it doesn’t work for long, but they really help during an allergy attack.

Your Living Space

Wash your clothing often. Keep fabrics to a bare minimum (drapes, upholstered furniture, etc). Place a blanket over your sofa and any other not hard surface and wash it frequently. CARPET IS THE WORST; stay away from it if possible. Dust with a damp washcloth to pick up the allergens, and not a feather duster to kick them up. Use a vacuum with a HEPA filter on it or gently sweep and mop so you don’t kick up the allergens. Wash the cat bed weekly if you have one (recommended, so you can wash it). Don’t leave clean clothes on the floor where your cat can sleep on them. The cleaner you keep your house, the less your allergies will bug you.

Bedroom

It’s best if you don’t let the cat sleep with you in your bed — but I ignore this advice myself. Maybe try to train the cat to not sleep on your face? Get some pillow protectors and a waterproof mattress pad (good for other reasons too). Wash your sheets a lot (like 1-2x a week), and on the hot water setting. Change your pillowcases often. Wash your comforter and pillows every few months, get a comforter cover and wash that every week. I do not recommend any fancy blankets which you can’t wash often. If you don’t let your cat into your bedroom you can ignore all of this.

A/C

Clean the filter on the window A/C unit every week or two — just run it under hot water. (Yes there’s a filter, and yes you can take it out.)

Air Purifiers

You can buy a fancy air purifier or make one yourself for a lot less by attaching a HEPA filter to a box fan as shown in the video below. This also works really well for folks who want to have a fan in their windows but are allergic to pollen too.

House Furnace Heat

If you live somewhere where your heat is forced air, coming out of an oil or gas furnace, get a HEPA filter for your furnace instead of a regular one. It will clean the air as it passes through the furnace, and will blow out cleaned air into your house, acting like a giant air purifier. Make sure you replace the filter every few months. Talk to your landlord about doing this for you if you rent. Also, cleaning your air ducts out will help a lot if they haven’t been cleaned in awhile.

Anti-Allergy House Spray

I haven’t used these yet, but I just ordered one on Amazon to try it out. I suspect spraying your sofa and cat bed or anywhere else your cat hangs out and the litter box will be helpful.

The Cat

Bathe Your Cat

They usually don’t mind as much as you’d think, especially if you start doing it as kittens (at least my cats never really objected). Use shampoo specifically for cats, not people shampoo. Often shampoo is marketed as hypoallergenic — they mean for the cat or dog’s skin, not for you. There are some anti-allergy cat and dog shampoos, but I haven’t tried them yet. Bathing a cat will reduce allergens only for a few days.

Cat Wipes or Facecloth Baths

There are some products available which are like wet wipes for cats, with no harmful ingredients. These are great for reducing allergens if used daily. Even a daily wet facecloth wipe down works great, especially if you use some of an anti-allergy product on it, and it’s a lot less stressful and time consuming than a full bath.

Cat Box

Clean the cat box often! I’m allergic to the box, so I dump the litter often. You could try one of those anti-allergy sprays in your box too.

Why Even Bother?

I realize this all sounds like a hell of a lot of work, and pretty ridiculous. But for me, the emotional and mental health benefits outweigh the work and physical health detriments. I deeply love and connect with animals, and have for my whole life, and I think my life is a lot more fulfilling with pets.

Do you have allergies and also have cats? What do you do to help minimize your allergies? I’d love to hear your tricks too!

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Gorillas In The Mist: Rwandan Gorillas Discovered Lesbianing With Each Other

Researchers in the Rwandan section of the Virunga mountain range in central Africa have recently published the results of a two-year study of female wild mountain gorillas that presents some very surprising findings:

It’s true: a team of researchers led by Dr. Cyril Grueter of the University of Western Australia observed female gorillas engaging in a wide range of lesbian sex acts. Homosexuality has been widely reported in male primates, but significantly fewer studies have been dedicated to females (typical). Although lesbian gorilla activity is not entirely unheard of, this is the first time data on the subject has been officially published and available for analysis. Over a two-year period, 18 of the 22 female gorillas observed by the team performed sexual acts with other females. These sexual acts included “genital rubbing,” “genital closeness,” “mating calls during intercourse,” “arguing at brunch,” “listening to Tegan and Sara records,” “adopting cats” and of course the age-old classic, “making out for male attention.”

Dr. Grueter reports that he believes female gorillas engaged in sexual acts with each other primarily as a response to male rejection, but also as a response to sexual excitement after witnessing other gorillas having sex and/or to attract males. Apparently, about a quarter of the encounters Grueter witnessed involved at least one lady-gorilla that had engaged in heterosexual sex either the day before or after. This observation led him to conclude that same-sex attraction in gorillas probably had nothing to do with sexuality (just like human women!).

“Our main conclusion is that it’s purely sexual behaviour,” Grueter told the Daily Mail Australia. “They can easily shift from preference; It’s not necessarily that they have same-sex orientation.” While the study found that female gorilla sexuality (like female human sexuality) is more “flexible” than that of males, it also repeatedly determined that such activity was mainly as a response to frustration about the lack of interested heterosexual mates. Astonishingly, Dr. Grueter is not the same guy who interviewed Cara Delevingne for Vogue.

Male gorillas were also spotted having strong opinions about the lesbians in their midst. While some male gorillas seemed indifferent to the hotbed of lesbian activity taking place, other dominant males would aggressively interrupt. The male gorillas were often observed asking the two ladies if they’d like some company, if they’d be willing to let him watch, which one of them was “the man,” or how they knew they were gay; maybe they just hadn’t met the right dominant male yet? Possibly due to this invasion of privacy, the study reports that “…there was also a tendency for such copulations to take place in secluded places with dense vegetation.”

CLOSER I AM TO FIIIIIIIIINE: The first ever photo of gorillas having lesbian sex. Photo via University of Western Australia

While the results of this study are very exciting, they also raise some important questions. Is sexual attraction the same for primates as it is for humans, or is Dr. Grueter right and the whole thing has been a ploy for male attention? Why did lesbian gorilla sex have to be discovered by a white guy with a goatee? Is this why they never found a mate for Koko? If there are any female gorillas reading this, we would appreciate some answers.

31 Things I’ve Googled In My First Month As a Dog Owner

Hello my name is Riese and I am not a dog person but here I am with a giant dog living right here in my house with me. She’s sitting on a couch next to me right now, chilling, licking her feet, being a dog, smelling like a dog. Sometimes when I’m at my desk, she’s right there, too, full of needs and feelings!

My Mom is allergic to dogs and I was allergic to dogs as a kid so we never had a dog growing up. Then I lived in apartments in cities. Now I live in a house in the country WITH A DOG! My fiancé is very much a dog person. Like a dog can lick her face and she’s like “awww!” whereas I am like A DOG JUST LICKED YOUR FACE. Look, I’m writing a long essay about dogs and I hope you’re all looking forward to it. But man, I have had SO MANY QUESTIONS this month. It’s been such a month!

Listen, I’m one of you people now. Talk to me about your dog things. Here is everything I have googled with the word “dog” in it since this weirdo rescue dog named Fancy came struggle-running into my life after being rescued from a puppy mill where she had been making puppies for 3-5 years. Everything is brand new! For all of us!

1. what tv shows do traumatized dogs like

2. maltif dog

3. mastiff dog

4. why do dogs sleep so much

5. dog afraid of vacuum

6. work from home dog crate okay

7. droopy dog breed

8. do dogs care when i talk to them

9. do dogs know when i sing to them

10. dog rash under chin

11. dog acne

12. dog ate walnut death

13. dog ate one walnut

14. how does a dog act when she is in heat

15. can dogs go down on themselves

16. liquid dog poop

17. how to make my dog chill out

18. how to make our dog stop farting

19. why do people buy dogs from stores

20. what do dogs think about

21. dog vision

22. why do dogs hate mail

23. how to put a harness on a dog

24. how to shampoo a dog

25. how to get rid of dog smell

26. are dogs ever full

27. dog only likes food toys

28. do dogs have night vision

29. do dogs get bored

30. worried my dog thinks i’m boring

31. dog won’t watch tv

Life, Death and Surrender: It’s Hard to Know When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

When I was very young, I refused to sleep in my own room. I always wanted to sleep squished between my parents, right in the middle of their king-sized bed. My parents told me I often fell asleep on the floor with the dogs at the South Korean orphanage I stayed in before my adoption. That’s what the adoption agency told them. That’s why they thought I wanted to be so physically close, their body heat comforting my pudgy little toddler frame.

I don’t know if that’s true, but I have always loved dogs and animals. I had pets from the moment I arrived in the U.S. I have almost never been without a pet or three or four or more. We had puppies and cats and hermit crabs and tree frogs and hamsters and a guinea pig who was my whole world. Perhaps it’s because I was adopted into a family that doesn’t look like me in a country that isn’t the one I owe my heritage to, but I’ve always longed to belong. More than that, I’ve always wanted to love and nurture others.

For a lot of my life, I simultaneously desired to be loved and felt inherantly unloveable. My parents loved me deeply and were very affectionate. I felt loved and cared for by my family. It wasn’t that. It was this feeling I carried in my gut, that I was somehow different, that I just never really fit in, that I was always going to be outside looking in. That, and the internalized racism I carried with me into my teens and beyond.

Animals, though, didn’t care that I had squinty eyes or that I was chubby or that I looked different than everyone else. I could trust them and I could give them all my love, without fear that they would betray me or expect anything more from me.

I was convinced that I could speak telepathically with one of my family’s golden retrievers. We’d had Finnigan since he was a wee puppy, since our other dog, his mom, gave birth to him in our bathroom. He was a weird dog, too big and goofy-looking and terrified of thunderstorms. I thought we had a special bond and I told Finn my secrets and I truly believed he could speak back to me if I stared long enough and hard enough into his big, brown eyes. I had an overactive imagination and I wanted to believe we had a spiritual connection. I still talk to my animals (though I no longer believe they can telepathically speak back to me). I still believe we have a special connection.

I’m writing this sitting cross-legged on the floor of the bedroom where our bunnies have run free since we bought this house in 2012. Their guinea pig siblings (the wiggles) romp above them, in a 13 square foot enclosure that sits atop a long table. When we moved in, the first home unimprovement we made was taking the door to the bedroom off its hinges, replacing it with a plywood-framed screen door, the kind you might put on your shed.

We joke about our second floor indoor barn and it’s kind of that, but more like a messy, dynamic bunny habitat, littered with half-gnawed cardboard castles and wooden chew toys and an open dog crate that houses their litter box and hay bin. When I mention our free-range bun room to people who don’t know me well, they’re a little weirded out. Possibly because not a ton of people have access to an extra bedroom for their pets, but more because people aren’t raised to or don’t see their pets as worthy of that much space.

Bunny home improvements

I respect cultural differences around companion animals. I’m not hating on anyone who makes different choices. Our bunnies lived in large dog crates when they were younger, when we rented apartments. We knew we’d let them be free-range when we had a house of our own. We want them to be their happiest, healthiest selves. Our furkids are members of our family. They are the only living creatures (humans included) in our household who get a window air conditioner in the summer. We buy them the best food, allow only the healthiest treats, and prioritize their needs over ours. In return for being little spoiled brats, they give us unconditional snuggles and cuteness that is almost unbearable. I feel like they love us. It’s hard to translate animal love into human feelings, but we like to think they do.

My spouse and I are very different people, but we are similar in that we have a hard time being vulnerable. Accepting love is hard, giving it unconditionally is a huge leap of faith. With our pets, whether they love us in a tangible way or not, we can love them wholly and without reservation.

I’m lucky my spouse falls in love with pets as quickly and deeply as me, for reasons completely his own. We accept our pets with all their quirks, even when they have behavior challenges (:cough: :cough: Limburger, the biter adopted rat who couldn’t be touched nor tamed). We’ll do whatever we can to make their lives a little better, a little safer, a little longer. Waffle’s love for his first cat, Kitty, rivaled his love for me. No, it surpassed his love for me. If there was a fire and our home was burning down, Waffle would have grabbed Kitty first. “You have a better chance of saving yourself,” Waffle would say as I was trapped beneath a ceiling beam. Kitty and Waffle were inseparable and sometimes insufferable and their relationship predated Waffle and mine. When it came time to say goodbye to Kitty, I wasn’t sure Waffle would be OK.

Best friends: a boi and a cat.

It was almost four years ago when Kitty took her last sleep. She was a foster cat, so we never knew exactly how old she was, but she was at least 10, maybe 12. She was fairly healthy for her entire adult life, up until the last two years. In 2009, Kitty was diagnosed with renal disease, kidney failure. She began to age rapidly and got very frail and tired. We bought carpeted pet steps so she could comfortably get to the bed and the couch. We didn’t know how long she’d live, but we managed it with a special diet and a gradually increasing list of medicines. We put litter boxes in all her favorite areas, so she could easily access them. Eventually, she stopped using them at all and we said, “OK,” and invested in really potent pet clean-up supplies and loved her anyway. We cut the mats out of her long fur when she was unable to groom herself. We helped her stay alive and, in the end, we helped her die peacefully.

I became skilled at dispensing liquid medicine and hiding crushed pills in increasingly complex ways. I bought a pill splitter, mortar and pestle, and a blue two-week pill box. We couldn’t go anywhere overnight for the last year or so because she needed various medicines at various times of day and I didn’t trust anyone else to get it right. She was sick, yes, but she wasn’t unhappy. It sounds hard to believe, but she still had a lot of life. She still purred and laid in sun spots and would fall asleep belly-up in our arms.

Kitty’s daily med stash during her last few months.

Kitty always wanted to be near us. Towards the end, she was losing her vision and she’d call out in the middle of the night. We’d yell her name and she’d follow our voices and climb the cat stairs up to the bed and curl up in Waffle’s arms and purr and purr. She knew her way around the apartment, even as she lost her sight. Somehow she never ran into anything.

It was hard watching her get old. It was hard to know when it’d be time. It was hard to guess what she was thinking and feeling. It was hard to say goodbye to her.

Kitty during her healthier days.

We knew we had to make a decision when she started having trouble walking. With all her other health issues, it was too much. Our vet, who’d worked with Kitty through all of this, made special arrangements to come to our house for the final visit. Kitty hated the vet. It sent her into a fevered panic. She would poop in the cat carrier and arrive covered in her own stink. She’d yowl all the way there and back. She’d hyperventilate with her tongue lolling out of her mouth. On the day of the final vet visit, Waffle and I sat with her all day, giving her special treats: cheese, bits of chicken, the “bad” cat food, tuna, turkey baby food. We relaxed together on the couch, holding her when she wanted to be held, letting her rest when she wanted to rest, letting her pee all over her favorite couch cushion. It didn’t matter. We just wanted her to have a good last day.

Waffle and I attempted to not break down at the same time, to take turns sobbing. We laughed about our favorite Kitty memories and stories. We took pictures of her sweet face as she lay peacefully with us. I tried to make space for Kitty and Waffle to be together alone, but he encouraged me to stay. “It’s OK,” he said, “You were her mommy, too.”

Our last family pic with Kitty cat.

When it was time, the vet came up to our apartment and set up in the kitchen. Waffle carried Kitty, tucked into his arms like a baby, and he soothed her and held her while our veterinarian slowly pressed the plunger on the syringe. And then it was over. But it’s never really over. There were still her things around the house, all the special kidney diet food that we donated back to the vet office, her water fountains and her little jackets (yes, she liked to wear small dog clothes), her little tufts of hair floating across the hardwoods, and the smell of her, the memory of her everywhere.

There are many jokes about queers and our relationships with cats. Like all stereotypes, there is some truth behind it. Many of us have felt unloveable, untouchable, at some point in our lives. It makes sense that we would imprint on our furry friends who don’t judge who we are, don’t inquire about our life choices, and provide affection when we feel like we can’t connect with other humans. This is the greatest gift they give us, the act of simply being there when we need them to be.

Waffle has a hard time with words. Some nights, early in our relationship, I would wake up at night and hear him whispering to Kitty, telling her things he wasn’t ready to tell me yet or ever. I have a hard time letting people in. I seem like an open book to those who don’t know me — the confessional poet, the activist with the megaphone — but those are just some of the many masks I wear. I’m a social chameleon. I can get along with anyone. I only ever let anyone see one piece of me at a time. It makes me great at networking, horrible at developing real friendships.

My biggest fear is opening up to someone and then being abandoned, because it has happened before, because I was abandoned when I was just a baby for reasons I’ll never know, because who I really am might be too much for someone to handle. It’s easier to be strong and protect my heart than to let it be broken wide open. My pets, my furbabies, have never let me down like that. I care for them. I feel safe with them. If only they lived a little longer, though in some ways it is reassuring to know that I will always (hopefully) live longer than them. I will always be someone they can depend on. Our home will always be their home.

Saying goodbye to our furry family members never gets easier. In the past 11 years we’ve been together, Waffle and I have shared 12 pets, 12 furkids. We have seen nine of them pass, the most recent the day before I wrote this. Every single damn time, it hurts. Every single time, I wish we’d had longer to say goodbye. More often than not, we have to make the choice for them: Do the good days still outnumber the bad? Are they still happy? Are they eating on their own? Do they have a good quality of life? Is there any chance of recovery? If so, what is the physical toll on them going to be? What are we feeling? What are they feeling? Are we asking them to live for us or do they want to live? What is the most humane thing to do? Are our emotions getting in the way of reason? What is right for them?

This past Saturday, we brought our bunny, Aphrodite, in for her final vet appointment. We have had her since she was just two months old, a little bundle of fuzz who hopped her way into our lives back in February 2007. She was our love bunny, our two-year anniversary/Valentine’s day blessing to ourselves. Aphie was a queen bee. She was a smaller breed, a Holland Lop, and she looked very demure and unassuming. But she had a metric ton of attitude in her six pound body. Aphie was the boss of us, of Kitty, and of the house. Up until the very end, she’d come over and headbutt my foot to let me know she’s still the big bunny. When she was younger, she was an adorable menace. She’d tug on the curtains in the living room with her teeth until they came crashing down and then nibble the ends of the curtain rods, looking triumphant. She’d knock over houseplants and then play coy when we caught her snacking on them. She’d pee on any furniture we didn’t block access to, especially soft cushions. (She was fully litter-trained, but she just loved the feeling of soft cushions for relieving herself.) She dug up and pulled up corners of the carpet in our rented apartment. She nommed on our books and once “workshopped” a poem of mine with her teeth. Her critique was harsh.

Our little baby bunny at six months old.

Aphie was our furbaby for over eight years, during four of which she was an only child. Buns like the company of other buns, so in 2011, we adopted a friend for her: Gandalf the lionhead with his fluffy grey beard. They disliked each other immediately. The hostility continued for almost a year. We had to keep them in separate crates and let them into separate parts of the house for exercise time. Aphie would sometimes jump the gate between their areas and chase Gandalf into a corner. Bonding them seemed impossible, but we don’t give up on our pets. We knew when we adopted Gandalf that if we couldn’t bond them, we would keep them both and we did.

I get that there are real and serious reasons why people abandon or surrender their pets. I have a hard time understanding it, though. I know I shouldn’t judge so harshly and for some people it’s the right thing to do, but I don’t think I could ever do it. I know what it feels like to be abandoned and rehomed. I love my family and I feel very lucky to have had a good and loving adoption experience, but I also know that it changes you. Being left behind or given up changed me, in ways I didn’t fully understand until I was an adult. I know people give up their pets in the hope that the animal will have a better life. Each time we adopt a new pet, we are glad that we can give them a good life. Still, I can’t imagine making the choice to surrender an animal except in the very most extreme conditions. Once an animal has entered our family, they are family for life, for the rest of their life. That is the promise my family made to me. That’s the promise I make to my furry family.

We didn’t give up on Gandy and Aphie. When we moved into our first house in 2012, we tried bonding them again, hoping the neutral territory would make them play nice. Finally, after a week of supervised sessions and lots of patience, they fell in friend love. We moved them into their bedroom and they were BFFs right until Aphie’s last day.

After Aphie and Gandy became friends and roommates, she chilled out considerably. She was still a destroyer of worlds and they certainly got into trouble together sometimes, but she had a friend to hang with now. I’d walk by and see our buns squished together side-by-side, like two cute little loaves of bread. They would sit in the hay bin and munch together. They would tag-team a cardboard box and rip it to shreds. They were often in the same favorite box, peeking out the cut-out windows at us as we passed by their room. Gandalf worshipped her. She let him. He generously bathed her ears and face every day. He let her eat first when they got their greens at night. They were very happy together.

Aphie and Gandy recover from a hard night of shredding.

When Aphie got sick the first time, this past February, we had to take her to the emergency vet. We found her grinding her teeth one evening, hunched up and acting strange. It happened suddenly. She had seemed fine earlier in the day. The emergency vet thought it was gastrointestinal stasis, a potential killer, but very treatable and fairly common. It was the night before we were supposed to leave for a vacation. We debated whether to go or not and decided it would be OK. GI stasis can usually be turned around if you catch it fast. Our petsitter works for our regular exotics vet office and was very capable of feeding her and monitoring her health. Our petsitter told us it would be fine to go. We hesitantly got on a plane. However, the next day, she seemed to be getting worse, not better, and our petsitter took her into the vet office.

A pic of Aphie the petsitter sent us before she took her in.

Aphie ended up being boarded at the vet’s for almost a week. It wasn’t just GI stasis; her kidneys were failing. With absolutely no hyperbole, I believe our petsitter saved her life. I felt so bad for being out of town. I considered flying back, but even if I did, there was nothing I could do while she was boarded for treatment. There was a point where we weren’t sure if it was time to let her go. She was very sick. We weren’t there with her. We couldn’t see her to say goodbye. We couldn’t see her to assess how bad she was. The vet said aggressive treatment was an option, but it might not work. I sat in my hotel room with my head in my hands and cried and felt like I’d failed her.

Aphrodite getting treated at the vet, modeling her soft collar, and munching on cilantro.

Hesitantly, we agreed to aggressive treatment, with the caveat that we’d stop if it wasn’t working. Like the fighter she is, Aphie made a sudden, very positive turn-around. Days later, we were home and she was home with us. We had to force feed her three times a day and give her fluids under her skin and a couple other medications, but she was rapidly improving. She came all the way back to full health. The vet called her a “miracle bunny.” But a few months later, she was grinding her teeth again. It was back to the vet, back to the fluids and the force feeding, and with lots and lots of love, she regained her health a second time.

This time, we kept giving her subcutaneous fluids under her skin twice per week, supplemented with vitamin B to stimulate appetite. We set up an IV station outside using a coat hanger, a door frame, and a folding tray table. I became skilled at sliding an 18 gauge needle just under her skin. She was herself again, lovingly butting our feet with her head to show her dominance, chasing Gandalf around the room, tearing into her greens every night, flopping out with her feet kicked to the side and her white underbelly exposed, pushing her head underneath Gandy’s to force him into grooming her, giving us disapproving bunny side-eye when we rationed her treats. She was back. She was not 100%, but it was enough. She seemed happy again.

Aphie looking for treats.

And then one day recently, we noticed she was slowing down again. Her stool was off. Her attitude was different. We gave her fluids and they didn’t plump her up and bring up her energy the way they usually did. Waffle stood in the bathroom door, brushing his teeth, as I gave the wiggles and buns their nighttime feeding. We had the conversation.

“Do you think it’s time?”

“I don’t know. Do you?”

It’s easier when the answer is very clear. It’s easier when they take a sudden turn and there’s no other humane option. It’s easier when they look at you and you know that they know it’s time. It’s easier when they give up and just close their eyes and say goodbye for you. Aphie was a fighter. She’d never, ever give up. We didn’t want to give up on her.

But there is a point when the bad days outweigh the good. With small critters, disease progresses quickly. We know this. We’ve nursed and loved many small furry babies and we’ve made the decision many times. There are times we think we should’ve made the decision earlier. There are times we wish we’d tried more medical intervention or gone to the emergency vet. Once a small animal is sick, you have days left, sometimes hours, to treat it or it will often end their life.

The thing is, animals know when it’s time. Animals don’t fuss over death the way humans do. Fear is instinctual, not intellectual. They may try to fight for their life, but they also know when it’s time to find a quiet corner in which to die.

Aphrodite at the vet the second time around.

Aphie had come back from critical condition twice already. She tolerated the fluids, but she hated force feedings. She hated us when we had to give them to her. The very last time we gave her fluids, she started breathing heavily out of her mouth. Rabbits are nose breathers. They don’t breathe out of their mouth unless they physically have to or are extremely stressed. This is often the prelude to a fatal heart attack.

Rabbits are simultaneously super resilient and incredibly delicate. Maybe this is why I relate so much to them, why I felt so close to Aphie, in particular. She was the alpha bun. Like her human mom, she was a tough bitch, but she was vulnerable, too, and she rarely let on when she was in pain. Rabbits are able to quickly recover from minor injuries. They have a high pain threshold and hide physical pain until it is critical. However, something as simple as a loud noise or dog barking can scare a rabbit to death, literally. In the wild, the sound of a predator triggers a heart attack to save them from suffering through a painful attack.

The first time Waffle found me hiding in the corner of my closet crying, he didn’t know what to do. We’d been dating for several months, but I’d never cried in front of him, not with real emotion. He said later, when I’d calmed down, that it scared him. He didn’t know I could lose control like that. Quite frankly it scared me, too, to be that small and vulnerable in front of him, so early in our relationship. If I could have died of a silent heart attack right then and there, I would have.

Aphie, however, was never afraid of loud noises or other animals or anything. She was fearless. She was raised in captivity, lived with us in a city her whole life, shared a house around cats, and had no natural predators. When she started hyperventilating as we were giving her fluids, we knew it’d gone too far. We knew it was time. We stopped and put her back in her bedroom and I cried and I said “Ok.”

The next morning, I came into her room before I headed to work. She nudged my foot with her head, prompting me to pet her and give her treats. I thought maybe we did have more time to treat her. From work, I texted Waffle that maybe we should wait a few days. But Waffle said, as of that afternoon, she was sitting in the box — the one we call the “death box” — the one she sits in when she’s not well, when she’s preparing to die. She looked tired. She wasn’t moving much. “Ok,” I texted back, “You’re right.”

Gandy sitting with Aphie on her last day.

I made an appointment for the following morning. Our petsitter answered the phone at the vet office. “I’m so sorry,” she said, “I’m not working tomorrow, but give her love for me.”

As soon as I got home from work, I went to their room. She didn’t look well. She didn’t move from the box when I came in. Aphie was a lap bunny. She loved to cuddle. But she didn’t seem to want to be touched, so we just sat in the room with her, not making too much noise. There were moments when her old self came through. I gave her some of her favorite treat mix and she came rocketing across the room, nudging Gandalf’s head out of the way and assertively putting her front paws directly into the food dish. But when she was done, she seemed out of energy. It took everything out of her to get that excited.

Aphie enjoying her last day with her friend, Gandy.

Mostly she just lay in the death box. She started mouth-breathing again. In less than 24 hours, my feelings had gone from “It’s probably time,” to “Maybe she’ll be OK for a little longer,” to “Fuck. I think we should have taken her in today.” Gandalf checked on her periodically. She let him groom her ears and face and he laid next to her for some time. I think Gandalf knew she was sick. I think he knew she was going to leave us soon. Towards the end of the day, he left her side and went to sit in a box by himself.

By the time we got to the vet the next day, it felt like it was already too late. She was exhausted. She was breathing hard. It was the most humane thing to do. At the vet’s office, I tried to take her out of her carrier to say goodbye and she panicked. She struggled back into her carrier and couldn’t breathe and she had a heart attack, in her carrier, in a patient room at the vet office, moments before the procedure was supposed to happen. I saw it through the carrier door, her breathing quickened and then she spasmed. Waffle was holding the carrier door closed, because it seemed like she might knock it off the table or fly out onto the floor as she slammed into the walls. And then she fell over on her side and everything was silent and nobody moved for a second. I came back to reality and ran into the hallway to get help, but then I didn’t know what to say or what to ask for, because it was over. I just stood there looking upset for a few seconds, with my mouth hanging open. The staff looked at me. I closed my mouth and went back in the exam room. The vet came in right after me. She gently laid Aphrodite’s unconscious body out on the table and put a stethoscope to her chest. There was a faint heartbeat. She stroked her side and gave her the final injection and Aphie’s little heart stopped and she was gone.

The vet gave us a few minutes alone. Waffle was (unsuccessfully) trying not to cry. I was sobbing relentlessly. I gently stroked Aphie’s ears, like I had done all her life, like she used to love when she would fall asleep on my chest. I pet her cheek and kissed her warm little head and Waffle and I used all the tissues they left for us and I wondered if there was anything we could have done sooner, done better. Maybe we should have taken her in that first night, when we started to suspect she was going downhill. Maybe we should have gone to the emergency vet the night before. Maybe I shouldn’t have tried to hold her right then. Maybe we could have avoided the heart attack. Maybe she would have had a heart attack while they were giving her the injection. Maybe we should have ended all of this months ago. I don’t know. It’s hard to know when it’s time. It’s hard to know what they want. It’s hard to not want them to live.

I’m writing this sitting cross-legged on the floor of the bedroom where our bunnies have run free since we bought this house in 2012. There is one bunny here now and I’m trying to love him as much as I can, as a human who doesn’t speak bunny very well. We’re sad, but he seems mostly OK. They say you should let animals see the body of their friends when they pass, so they understand that they’re dead, but we didn’t have that option with Aphrodite and Gandalf. He seemed to get it right away, anyway. He seemed to know she wasn’t coming back. I think maybe he knew before we did.

Gandy was always more shy, but he has been coming out to see me more often. Right now, he is laying in his hay bin. I’m sitting here on my laptop. I’m thinking of Aphie. I don’t know what he is thinking of. Do bunnies grieve the way we do? Does he miss her or does he just feel lonely or is he OK? It’s hard to tell. All I know is that we’ll be here for him. He’s family. He’s ours for life, for his whole life. So I’m giving him extra treats and extra love. We’re sitting here together. We’re all doing the best that we can.

10 Neko Atsume Toys You Can Buy in Real Life for Your Real Cat Right Now

By now the news may already have reached you, in whatever corner of the world you call home, that you may purchase a variety of adorable and perfect replicas of Neko Atsume toys from petio.com, including but not limited to the Cat Cafe and a range of tunnel options. If you are delighted by this, but find that the yearning deep inside your truest self for Neko Atsume toys that you can have in your very own home is still not satisfied, we are here to help.

Watermelon Ball

Temari Ball

Head Space

Hammock

Art Deco Cat Tree

Twisty Play Rail

Kotatsu

Hamburger

Yellow Feather Teaser

Heated Mat

7 Ways I’ve Compared My Pet Turtle to a Cat

photos by Rachel Adler

This is Galapagos. She is a turtle.

Sometimes, I feel like I will never be able to live my very best queer life because I developed an allergy to cats in my late teens. Yes, I’ve heard there are hypoallergenic options, but however much money it takes to obtain a hypoallergenic cat isn’t really in my financial picture at the moment. Plus, I don’t really have anything in my life planned past a few months from now, so making the long-term commitment of pet-having isn’t really feasible for me.

But when my friend asked me if I could care for her turtle for a year while she lived abroad, my answer was an immediate yes. A year with a turtle, it seemed to me, was a perfectly acceptable short-term alternative to a cat – mostly because it wouldn’t make me want to scratch my eyes out of my face, but also because my general impression was that turtles are chill and low-maintenance while also being willing to react with affectionate enthusiasm towards their human captors.

A week later, Galapagos the Turtle was residing in a large tank by my living room. She is a red-eared slider, about 8 inches long. She spends her days swimming, basking under her sun lamp, and sometimes wandering the apartment while supervised.

Galapagos being reluctantly photogenic from beneath the radiator.

And what I’ve found is that, while she isn’t a cat, there are more similarities than you might expect. Here are the ways my turtle is and isn’t fulfilling all my dreams of cat-ownership:

1. The turtle is not fuzzy

I’m just making sure everyone is on the same page: the turtle is not fuzzy, and she will not cuddle with you.

She is animated enough to make it very gratifying to project whatever kind of desire for anthropomorphized companionship you might have onto her, just as long as you are okay with that anthropomorphized companion being a withholding introverted weirdo, unless she thinks you have food. Usually, when I approach my turtle, she runs as far from me as she can. Except when she’s out of her tank and I’m trying to clean it using the bucket she usually eats in. Then, she tries to bite my toes.

uninterested turtle is uninterested

2. She would probably eat me if she were bigger.

Have we all read the study about how cats would eat you if they were bigger? I’m pretty sure the same is true of the turtle, who tries really hard to be ferocious, but fails pretty much every time because she’s just too damn small. If I hold my finger up to the glass of her tank, she’ll snap at it, but she can’t bite me. If I take her out of her tank to let her roam the living room or put her in the bucket to eat, she’ll squirm around or try to bite at me, but I can easily avoid her toothless jaw just by holding her from the tail-end of her shell. Her claws are pretty sharp, but I don’t anticipate them breaking skin the way cats’ claws can.

Probs coming to eat you.

3. The turtle eats fish. And bugs.

Like a cat, G’s diet consists mostly of pellets made of some sort of dried fish substance. I take her out of the tank in a bucket and dump a handful of pellets in with her and she scrambles around the bucket eating them. When she’s done, I plop her back in the tank, dump the gross pellet-y water down the toilet, and put a bucket of fresh warm water back in the tank. She gets really excited about this.

Is this turtle love or does she just want to eat my finger?

But SOMETIMES, to keep her diet (and life) varied and interesting, she gets to eat live food. This can be in the form of fish or worms or crickets. I’m not trying to set a bunch of crickets loose in my living room; worms are fine, but not very exciting. Feeding her fish, on the other hand, is a show worthy of a Friday night. Literally, I’ve had friends over on a Friday night just to witness the turtle eating fish. You have to go buy them from Petco for like 17 cents each, and then when the turtle sees the bag she knows and starts swimming like crazy against the side of the tank.

Then you dump them in and the turtle proceeds to spend the next significant period of time zooming around the tank chasing them. The thing is that both the turtle and the fish are really fast. Sometimes the fish get out of the way just in time and the turtle does a face-plant into the side of the tank (her shell absorbs most of the impact; don’t worry about the turtle’s head). But when the turtle does catch a fish, she swallows it whole. It can feel a little sadistic to watch in fascination, but it’s really not much more graphic than watching Ms. Pac Man gobble Inky or Blinky. It’s also a lot more fun than when a cat catches “live food,” because usually when a cat catches “live food” it means she’s caught a mouse or a chipmunk or the family goldfish, and she plays with it while it fights for its life, kills it with satisfaction, and then shows it off.

4. Turtle tanks are more annoying to clean than litter boxes

In a similar fashion to cats, you have to clean up the turtle’s poop, except instead of scooping it out of a box where some magic combination of chemical dirt has made the poop dry and clumped, the turtle poops in the water it lives in, and you have to scoop it out by submerging a net and probably a good part of your forearm into the turtle water. Then you have to get rid of the waste, and sometimes you have to empty out all the water from the tank and fill it up again. Let me tell you, managing that process while living in an apartment building is a real party. Any water from the tank has to be dumped, bucket by bucket, into the toilet, and then refilled, bucket by bucket, from the sink. Hauling buckets of water around an apartment is not my favorite way to spend two hours. Litter boxes are, quite frankly, just easier.

For us, one thing that makes it a lot easier to keep things clean is that the turtle’s rocks for basking under her heat lamp are totally separate from the water in her tank. She can climb between the two areas, but the rocks never get wet.

Hey.

5. Turtles can carry salmonella

It’s part of their “natural flora.” And chances are, unless you let your turtle co-mingle with raw chicken or egg shells, your turtle probably doesn’t have salmonella, but it’s still pretty unadvisable to cuddle your face into your turtle’s shell, or kiss it on the nose.

Also be aware of all the surfaces the turtle hangs out on. We try to avoid cuddling with our shoes, anyway, so they’re pretty much the turtle’s domain.

6. Bonding over turtles can help humans deepen their own relationships

So I live with one of my best friends from college and her boyfriend. I do like this boyfriend person a lot, but he’s even more introverted than I am, so we don’t talk a whole lot. But once the turtle entered our lives, we began a new chapter in our relationship. He LOVES THE TURTLE, and so now she has become our main topic of conversation. Sometimes he even sends me snapchats of her. We have an ongoing project of trying to discern if the turtle recognizes us and/or her food and/or the color of the canister that holds her food.

7. It would be shitty to release my turtle to the wild if I got bored with her

Hello, it’s me, up here on my soapbox. This is the part of the article where I give you a little public service announcement about invasive species, which red eared-sliders are. They are native to the southern United States and northern Mexico, but when they’re introduced in other areas, they outcompete the other turtle populations – they eat like monsters, dominate habitats and transmit disease. Unfortunately, they’re now prevalent all over the world because they either escape or are released from captivity. Some countries and states have banned them, so if this article has convinced you they’d make a great pet, look into that first. Also, if you’re considering getting a turtle, make sure you can commit! Red-eared sliders can live for as long as forty years! There are ways to ethically unhand a turtle if you can’t care for it anymore, so don’t just dump it in a pond if you can’t take care of it anymore. Give it to someone who wants it. Similarly, if you would like a turtle as a pet, see if you can adopt one from someone who can’t care for it anymore.

Do you have a turtle or other small reptile? Is it like a cat or not like a cat? How does your turtle feel about shoes?

<3

YES CATS! Exclusive: The Incredibly True Adventures of the Backyard Bobbis

This original essay, published here as an A+ exclusive, also appears in our new mini-book collaboration with everyone is gay, YES CATS!, which you should check out. 

The Incredibly True Adventures of the Backyard Bobbis

One unbearably steamy summer Sunday in New York City, my girlfriend Stacy and I found five feral kittens in our backyard. They were terrified of us and bolted every time we opened the door — but they kept coming back. It took almost a week for us to understand that their mama was a feral cat we’d been feeding for a year, a black and white tuxedo we’d named Bobbi Jean. She came to the sound of our voice when we called out to her when we were walking down sidewalks or getting off the train, following at a distance and then waiting patiently outside our door while we prepared her food.

Bobbi Jean didn’t trust humans enough to let us touch her, or even stay near her while she ate, but she knew we’d never hurt her and that we were willing to share our food, so we decided she was counting on us to rescue her babies. We named all five of her kittens “The Bobbis.”

Over the course of the next month, we sat outside for hours with food, coaxing The Bobbis into eating in our presence at the same time every day. While we were doing that, I got Trap, Neuter, Return certified with the ASPCA and gathered the equipment I would need to trap them. We outfitted a room for the Bobbis with a big purple kitten den and a climbing castle and plenty of soft blankets.

We knew we didn’t have long to rescue them. Feral kittens have a very short window of time during which they can be socialized. They learn the way of the street so quickly. We also lost one of the kittens, Bobbi Jean Jr., to a car accident.

Top: Frodo Bobbi, Dobby Bobbi, Beth March Bobbi, and Socks Bobbi trying to make it through the summer. Bottom: All the Bobbis four months later.

Finally, after a month of preparation, we were ready to trap the four Bobbis who’d made it through the impossible heat of the summer: Socks Bobbi, Dobby Bobbi, Beth March Bobbi, and Frodo Bobbi. The day after we trapped them, they visited the ASPCA, where they were spayed and neutered, vaccinated, and treated for fleas and ear mites. Then, they returned home with us.

Very, very, very slowly we earned their trust. They would eat in front of us, while we sat on the floor and looked in a different direction. They would eat with our hand on their food bowl. They would lick baby food — Gerber No. 2 chicken! — off of our fingers. They would let us stroke their backs, once or twice, as gentle as a whisper. We nudged them around their food bowl, lifted them quickly from one spot to another near their plate, coaxed them into our laps with tasty treats.

After weeks and weeks and weeks, all four of them finally let us pet them without food around. Then, they began to seek out affection from us. They crawled into our laps unprompted! They ran to us when we opened the door! They wanted to include us in their cuddle piles, and brought us stuffed toys so we could play their games too.

They got strong and they got big and their fur got silky and their eyes got bright and we fell in love with them.

And just when we were ready to start looking for forever homes for them, they got sick. Very sick. In one night, all four of them were admitted into an emergency hospital in New York City and diagnosed with feline panleukopenia, an often deadly virus that kills most kittens with 24 hours. The prognosis wasn’t good. Because FPV attacks quick-replicating cells like white blood and bone marrow, kittens the age of the Bobbis have a 70 percent mortality rate, even with with treatment. When the Bobbis first came to us, we knew it was likely they might never let us even touch them, but they’d learned to trust us completely, and the night we checked them into the hospital, they clung to us and cried for us and pressed their shaking faces into our hands when we reached into their carriers. We didn’t know if they’d live to see the morning.

Top: Socks Bobbi the day we found him. Bottom: Socks Bobbi four months later.

They survived the night. And the next one. And the next one. On the fourth day of their treatment, the doctor told us that while they would normally want to keep infected cats in the hospital, our Bobbis were a special case. They needed to come home because sometimes the difference between life and death for kittens is knowing they’re fighting for someone they’re bonded to. And while feral kittens are often baffled by the human world, well into adulthood, our Bobbis understood completely that they were safe and loved when they were with us.

Their medical bills were super expensive, but our friends and family who had watched the Bobbis’ progress from terrified feral cats to cautious street cats to affectionate lap cats bonded together and raised almost $5,000 dollars for them. We gave twice-daily medicine for almost a month, monitored them every hour, and held them and loved them and begged them to keep on fighting. And then one day, the medicine was gone. And they’d made it. Not just one of them, but all of them.

Most people don’t get it. So much time and so much money spent on four sad little street cats. People think it’s a waste of time, of energy, of income, of life. They laugh. They ask why. Why? Why? Why?

I can’t speak for why other people do what they do, but I can speak for me, a person who has spent countless thousands of dollars saving animals in my lifetime (and been a beneficiary of the internet’s uncommon generosity when my beagle, Scout, was dying and needed very expensive life-saving surgery). Some people’s souls are sustained by art and some by reading and some by writing and some by church and some by food and a million other things. I have always been a person whose soul is sustained by my relationships with animals. They ease my anxiety, lessen the burden of my depression, focus my ADHD. Just being near them, taking care of them, loving and being loved by them.

Socks Bobbi on the way home from the hospital, reaching through his makeshift carrier to hold my hand.

My mother has borderline personality disorder among other things, including various addictive behaviors, and despite my superhuman efforts, I have never been able to make one bit of difference in her life. Trying to help her is like trying to fill up the Grand Canyon by throwing spoons full of water into it. That’s what it feels like to try change the world in any real way, to me.

It’s brutal and bleak and everything is so far out of our control, and really, truly, in the grand scheme of things, nothing we do matters on a global scale. Or a national one, really. Or a state one or a county one or a city one or even a neighborhood one. Sometimes, though, I get a chance to save an animal’s life. It doesn’t matter to the world at large. It doesn’t change the fact that the climate is out of control and America’s infrastructure is crumbling and the public school system is underfunded and diseases are ravaging less developed countries and wars are ravaging developed ones. But it matters to a kitten, and that matters to me.

I started saving animals when I was five years old, when I saw a mama cat get hit by a car and found her babies and hid them under my house. I snuck out to sleep with them at night, to keep them warm. I fed them my own food I smuggled away from the dinner table. And when my parents were yelling at each other and when my mom was slapping and screaming at me and when the kids at my school were making fun of me for being a cross-eyed dyke, I’d think about those kittens who were counting on me to keep them safe. I’d make it through another day.

The Bobbis’ mama, Bobbi Jean, comes to our back door every day for breakfast and dinner. She follows us home when we see her out and about. We saved her babies, like we promised her we would.

The world is burning, burning, burning. It has been as long as I’ve been alive. I can’t put out the fire, but maybe I can save one tiny life. Maybe I can save four. Maybe it only matters to me and the little guys I saved — and to their mama who will never know what it’s like to be scratched under the chin, or to fall asleep being petted in a lap by the fire — but that’s okay. The world is dark and light is precious. We all have to sustain our souls somehow.

Get YES CATS in the A+ store today for only $12 with discount code apluscats! 

6 Animal Superpowers I Wish I Had

Header by Rory Midhani
Feature image via Shutterstock

My favorite science museum is the American Museum of Natural History in Manhattan. It’s huge and they have the most interesting rock collection I’ve ever seen. Neil deGrasse Tyson resides there as director of the Hayden Planetarium (as well as my heart). But the real reason it’s my favorite is their programming: fascinating lectures and tours for museum members, and the cream of the crop in terms of special exhibitions, both traveling and homegrown.

Among their current special exhibits, the AMNH is hosting Life at the Limits, showcasing the “incredible adaptations that allow life to thrive even in the most unlikely places on Earth.” I went a little while ago and found myself captivated. Biology is amazing, you guys. Animals are so weird. And I’m a weird animal too, so I made you this list based on the amazing things I saw at the exhibit.

6 Animal Superpowers I Wish I Had

Aye-aye. Via Shutterstock.

1. The Aye-Aye’s Middle Finger

The aye-aye is a primate native to Madagascar, which sleeps during the day and spends most of its life high in the trees. To eat, this unique species of lemur taps its extraordinarily long middle finger against trees to listen for hollow wood. When it finds some, the aye-aye scrapes the bark with its large front teeth, pokes its middle finger into the hole, and skewers a tasty snack of wood-boring grubs.

I don’t have much of an appetite for grubs, but I have been making good use of my middle finger this summer. Walking unaccompanied in the city, there’s only so far I can perambulate in any direction before creepy men feel the need to shout things at me on the street. lately when I get catcalled, my typical response is to scowl, bark out “don’t talk to me,” and/or give them the finger. But what if said finger then extended into a freakishly long, pointy skewer, which I brandished at my enemies with a maniacal gleam in my eye, then winkingly withdrew and skipped away as my harassers stood in stunned silence?! So. Much. Better.

Obviously this plan is excellent and would definitely not end in disaster.

Giant African land snail eating an apple. Via Shutterstock.

2. The Land Snail’s Hibernation Abilities

When land snails sense winter coming, they withdraw into their shells and build a mucus door between themselves and the outside. Their circulation slows, they stop eating, and use less than 1/50th of the oxygen they used when active.

Can you imagine being able to do this in the winter? Or for the entirety of presidential election season? Or like, a Wednesday where you just don’t feel like facing the world? As long as I had internet access within my mucus-sealed shell, I’d be all set.

American Lobster. Via Shutterstock.

3. The American Lobster’s Resistance To Age

Lobsters don’t experience a decrease in strength or slowing of metabolism as they age. They just get bigger and better their entire lives! The bigger female lobster’s bodies are, the more eggs they can carry – meaning the older a lady lobster is, the better she is at reproducing.

I’m 28, so I have about a decade left to spawn my own biologically related children, if I want to. Which I’m not sure I do. But if I could put off that decision-making need for another few decades, that would be great! Two people on two separate occasions have asked me if I want children in the past week. And it was fine, but like… yeah. Lobsters.

Black Swallower. Via AMNH/R. Mickens.

4. The Black Swallower’s Stomach

Black swallowers are deep sea fish that hunt 2,300+ feet below the surface. They’re known for their elastic stomachs and ambitious approach to food, swallowing fish up to twice their own length and 10 times their own mass. Nobody has seen these fish in action (they live too deep in the water!), but a popular theory is that they engulf their prey’s head and gills first to suffocate the fush, then gradually walk their teeth up the rest of the body to pull their prey inside.

Basically, I’d like to be able do that. But with Filipino food. And ice cream. And soup.

Geobacter. Via New Scientist, Derek Lovley/SPL.

5. The Geobacter’s Energy Processing

Alternatively, I’d love it if I could get power from a nontraditional food source, such as white male tears. Or electricity.

Recently, scientists discovered bacteria that lives on nothing but electrons. In laboratory tests, colonies growing on electrodes were able to feed directly on flowing electrons. Which is so cool!

I’m picturing this superpower working like, I’d stick a pinkie in an electrical socket overnight, next to my charging cell phone. In the morning, I’d wake up fully energized and ready to take down the patriarchy. Meals would be centered fully on pleasure, not practicality, and I’d make decisions about my diet based on deliciousness alone. (Which is not so different from what I do now? But I bet I could commit even more fully if I had a superpower helping me out.)

Giant anteater baby via Shutterstock.

6. The Giant Anteater’s Tongue

Did you know that the giant anteater has a tongue that can extend nearly two feet beyond the tip of its snout?

Hello, ladies.

Notes From A Queer Engineer is a recurring column with an expected periodicity of 14 days. The subject matter may not be explicitly queer, but the industrial engineer writing it sure is. This is a peek at the notes she’s been doodling in the margins.

20 Pet Treats That Will Make Tails Wag and Kittens Purr

Hello and welcome to this thing we’re doing where we help you figure out what you’re gonna put in your mouth this week. Some of these are recipes we’ve tried, some of these are recipes we’re looking forward to trying, all of them are fucking delicious. Tell us what you want to put in your piehole or suggest your own recipes, and we’ll talk about which things we made, which things we loved, and which things have changed us irreversibly as people. Last week, we ate some fall recipes.

Cooking for yourself is a really fun pursuit, and I for one recommend you endeavor upon it. But enough of all that! Today, we’re switching it up. Today, we’re making some motherfucking treats for our motherfucking cats. Or dogs. I love dogs.

Dogs

Mint Buckwheat Dog Biscuits

Marvelous Mutt Loaf

Chewy Cheddar Puppy Puffs

Bacon “Bark” Sticks

Muddy Paws Blueberry Dog Treats

Grain-Free Dog Biscuits

Frozen Pumpkin Dog Treat Recipe

Apple Crunch Pupcakes

Peanut Butter Banana Dog Treats

Chicken Biscuit Homemade Hypoallergenic Dog Treats

Cats

Tuna Treats

Goat Milk Catsicle

Salmon Treats

Crunchy Cat Treats

Tuna & Cheddar Cat Crisps

Chewy Cat Treats

Salmon and Catnip Croutons

Organic Spinach and Chicken Cat Treats

Ripley Bites

Kitty Delights

Trick or (Pet) Treat: A Halloween Costume Shopping Guide for Furry Friends

It’s almost Halloween, y’all! And as much as I do not enjoy this very day, despite an affinity for candy corn and also pumpkins, I do wait all year for it to come around so I can put Eli into costumes and thus fill him with contempt toward me over and over and over again. It never gets old! Like, it just never gets old. Have you ever dressed up your cat or dog for Halloween? I guarantee it will improve your quality of life.

To guide you and your pet through the upcoming spooky season, I’ve compiled this very post with some help from the fuzzy friends of Team Autostraddle, and also Stef, who loves putting her cat in costumes the way I love putting my dog in costumes. First, I’m gonna show you how cute all of the Team Autostraddle pets look when they’re dolled up as tiny characters, and then I’m gonna recommend some timely and also timeless costume ideas for you very own much-loved critters. Enter at your own risk! Things are about to get adorable.

Family Scrapbook: Team Autostraddle’s Pets Do Halloween

(Click to look through the gallery!)

Stef and Carmen’s Halloween Costume Picks for Pets

A note before we begin: Stef informed me in the process of putting this post together that she does not shop in the cat section for her cat’s costumes, because, and I quote, “these suck.” I have to agree. Most costumes that fit small dogs will fit a cat, so most of these are for dogs but really also for cats because honestly nobody is checking. As Stef so eloquently said, “the market’s fucked up but get your cat a good dog costume.”

ROW 1: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle; Sailor Hat; The Hulk // ROW 2: Orca Costume; Octo-Hound; Cowboy Rider // ROW 3: Sushi Costume; Unicorn Costume; Zebra Costume // ROW 4: Raptor Costume; Ewok Costume; Lion Mane

So Now I Have An Instagram For My Cat

It began, as most good ideas do, with a lot of wine.

My best friend, Aubree, had just made an Instagram for her blind cocker spaniel, William, and he — the dog, I mean — began commenting on my Instagram pictures. William had nearly four hundred followers at this point, which is more than my personal account has to this day. It was impressive how many people commented on his pictures, saying how cute he was and wishing him goodnight and all of the weird things people on the internet might do for a small, curly-haired dog (pictured below, evidence obvious).

https://instagram.com/p/4mb0roKMV4/

It gave me an idea. Well, it plus the wine gave me an idea.

My girlfriend, Maddie, and I had recently adopted the cutest cat in the entire world. My Instagram had basically become an homage to Cowboy, our tiny tortoiseshell lady, and I was beginning to worry that my friends were getting tired of seeing her cute, checkerboard face forty times a day on my social media. I’m a worrier. It’s is what I do best.

And so, between drinking nearly an entirely bottle of wine and texting Aubree (“Just add like a thousand people, like a literal thousand animal accounts” she advised) I started @cowboy_kitten. I filled out the bio and promptly closed the app, a little embarrassed.

The next morning, after confessing to Maddie that I had made Cowboy an Instagram account, which she thought was hilarious, I gave her the password and we agreed on the first picture of Cowboy. Cowboy’s face was completely in shadow, but she was lying in her favorite sunny spot, our kitchen window. We slapped a few hashtags on it and called it good.

That was last October. We’ve updated her instagram nearly every day since, and as of writing this post, she had nearly 400 photos and over 3000 followers. Are we basically obsessed with our cat? Hell yes. But what we found on Instagram has proven to be worth any embarrassment I feel admitting I run mildly successful Instagram account for my cat.

There’s a huge, supportive, inclusive community of pet owners on Instagram. We comment on each other’s posts as our pets, and it’s fucking cute. People take it so seriously that they worry when we don’t post for a day. When Marriage Equality passed, people I’ve never met in real life genuinely congratulated us. When Cowboy was sick and at the vet, people offered support and advice.

So, if you want to start one for your own cat, dog, bunny, bird or lizard (yes, there are lizards), you should. Here’s what I’ve learned.

https://instagram.com/p/10fLyCmTn4/

Brand Your Pet

You think Grumpy Cat would be as successful as she is if she was just portrayed as cute? Now, I know that Grumpy Cat didn’t brand herself, but this shows that when people can associate a certain type of behavior or look with your cat, they like it.

For example, Cowboy’s brand centers around her very unique markings on her face, which looks like a checkerboard, and her personality as mischievous, young, playful and sometimes cuddly. You know your pet best: figure out what makes them special and make sure to show this side to the Insta world.

Learn InstaPet Vocabulary & Use Pet Puns Always

There are certain things that all Instagram pet accounts say. For example, the most important day of the week is Caturday. Or when your cat curls up on the floor with their feet tucked in, it’s called a loaf or loafing. Shrimping is when your cat curls its head in and sticks its feet out, like a little shrimp. There’s a lot of silly little things like this that you’ll find. Don’t worry, you’ll learn. Don’t be afraid to ask questions! Everypawdy is so nice.

There’s also certain things for each day of the week, like Tongue Out Tuesday. @OliverTaco, a popular cat account, branded Taco Tongue Tuesday, so some accounts do both. There’s not really politics regarding which you should do, though, don’t worry.

Engage With Other Accounts

Aubree gave me great advice to add a ton of accounts in the beginning. The trick is to actually add accounts you like and want to engage with. Don’t just follow hundreds of accounts of pets you’ll never look at. Go to their page, like a few photos, and add them. Many will follow back any pet account. I’m a snob and I only follow back pet accounts that like some of my photos first instead of just randomly following me for the numbers. So, add a bunch of accounts, and you’ll see your numbers go up pretty quickly for awhile as people add you back and you get more known in the community.

Cowboy follows nearly a thousand accounts, and I wish I could keep up with them even more than I do now, but a thousand is a lot, you know?

Commenting and Liking on other accounts is basically the whole point of the game. Go wild with the emojis. Pets really like heart emojis, you’ll notice.

When you follow someone and never comment or like their pictures, it’s called ghosting, and some intense Instagrammers notice this.

You can even download apps to keep up with who likes the most posts and all of that if that’s your cup of tea. I can’t speak to these, but some people post on Cowboy’s pictures mentioning we haven’t liked their posts in awhile (which I find a little too intense), so I’m sure they’re pretty popular.

https://instagram.com/p/yxDwfpGToi/

Engage with the Community At Large

The cat community is really, really intense. It’s wonderful.

A lot of cat activity centers around @Daily_CATegory. Daily CATegory began when four cat friends (early supporters of Cowboy and the best three cat moms!) wanted to throw a fun weekend party online. This was early on in Cowboy’s Insta career, and Maddie and I basically had no clue what we were doing, but we joined #PAWpalooza regardless.

A virtual party just means you hashtag your posts with that specific tag, and then you look at other posts and comment on them. Does this sound weird out of context? Yes. But it also resulted in jokes about tunatinis and nip cookies and a lot of inside jokes, randomly enough. A lot of parties celebrate a certain animal’s birthday, so everyone makes posts about being at the beach or whatever with that animal. Sometimes they photoshop stuff, like Cowboy with lions. Sometimes it involves posing Cowboy in tissue paper for a Valentine’s Day theme. There is no shame in having thousands of pictures of your cat.

@Daily_CATegory also runs daily category contests that center around a theme, like “#Aint_It_Furry” or “#MeowBadFurDay.” So, depending on the theme, you’d post a funny picture of your cat laughing or looking a little rough after a bath or something that fits with the tag. These are super fun and it’s hilarious to see what people come up with. I’m sure there are dog-versions of @Daily_CATegory, too.

Quick side note: @Daily_CATegory is also releasing a CATlendar later this year featuring the cream of the crop of the cat crowd and Cowboy is going to be in it, just so you know. All proceeds are going towards Best Friends LA. You can check out more info on that on their Tumblr.

Entering contests is also a fun way to engage with the community. The Cats of Instagram community is full of talented and kind people who want to give you things. For example, our friends @OliveAndRye (pictured below, and all over in the most amazing Instagram portraits you can imagine) have an amazing artist Mom who offers customized cat portraits in giveaways, and she also runs a shop where you can buy portraits and other goodies!

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Olive, Rye, Fig and human Kicey🌻🌈 (@oliveandrye)

Hashtags Are Important

This may seem really silly, but what you hashtag your photo with matters almost as much as how good the photo is. I tag Cowboy’s with descriptors of her (#Tortoiseshell, #YoungCat, etc), groups of friends she has (#PeanutButterFootSisterhood, no joke), some politics (#PawProject, #AdoptDontShop, all that good stuff), and feature accounts (#PetBox, #CatsRequest, #Instacat, and, of course, #CatsOfInstagram). Also, as a total joke, I use #CowboysOfInstagram just to mess with all of the ten gallon hats on the internet.

Aubree says that #ILoveMyDog and #DogsofInstagram are two of the most popular hashtags that she uses, as well as #ILMyCockerSpaniel, which brings me to my next point.

Hashtags are also great for you to find other animals that you like. If you have an affinity for Lop Eared Bunnies, there’s a tag for that. What about three legged dogs? There’s a tag for that.

To learn what hashtags work best, I periodically go through photos of popular animals that are similar to your pet, and check out what they have.

A good trick for hashtags is to keep them copied into a note on your phone for easy copying and pasting. Pro tip: if you paste them into your own comment on your photo, it hides the hashtags but they still work.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Sweepy/Teeny/Lukey (@sweepy_teeny_lukey)

Keep Up With It

I will admit to you that I check up on Cowboy’s account more than once a day. Sometimes way more than that. Sometimes I forget about it for a day and I legitimately feel guilty. I recommend posting once or twice a day to maintain followers.

I like to go through Cowboy’s close friends and check up on them and make sure I like all of their photos to show my support. When I explain that Cowboy has friends and a tight crew she runs in, I mean that. Like seriously, she has a Valentine named Sweep (pictured above with his adorable sister Teeny–also they now have a brand new kitten named Lukey, just so you know) and best friends and a Tortie crew and all of that stuff, it’s so silly and great. Having kitties who comment regularly on Cowboy’s posts makes me feel so special and loved I can’t even.

It’s easy to get sucked into the Instagram pet community because the community is full of inspiring people who love their animals like you love your animals. What started out as something a little embarrassing turned into something that honestly brightens my day and has been a huge stress reliever from my real world.

Let’s be honest, even if you don’t want to be as intense as I am about your pet’s Instagram, you’ll still have a wonderful community waiting for you whenever you want. And that’s the best part.

Also, let’s be real, it’s funny to comment on your real life friend’s comments with things your cat would say. Heart Eyes Cat Face Emoji, indeed.

This has been the one-hundred-thirty-sixth installment of Queer Your Tech with Fun, Autostraddle’s nerdy tech column. Not everything we cover is queer per se, but we talk about customizing this awesome technology you’ve got. Having it our way, expressing our appy selves just like we do with our identities. Here we can talk about anything from app recommendations to choosing a wireless printer to websites you have to bookmark to any other fun shit we can do with technology. Header by Rory Midhani.

Heather’s Team Pick: My Garbage Cat Wakes Me Up at 3AM Every Day

Ah, cats. Those adorable little fur monsters that make the internet go ’round. They lounge on your chest and purr to soothe you when you’re feeling anxious. They play solo hockey with hair ties for hours to make you laugh. They stare at one spot on the wall for so long you think a portal to another dimension is going to open up and swallow you into the raw data of the space-time continuum. They have feets that look like little pink beans!

This is my Quasar, right before she jumped up and bit my boob.

Also, cats knock over your shit. In the morning, they knock over your shit. In the afternoon, they knock over your shit. In the middle of the night, your shit, they knock it over. Books off the shelves, chapstick off the nightstand, cups off the table, remotes off the TV stand. Name your shit, and you will find that it is shit your cat has knocked over.

And now, you can be about that feline life by playing “My Garbage Cat Wakes Me Up at 3AM Every Day,” an 8-bit browser-based video game that allows you to run, jump, “meow and cry at the same time,” and “knead your dumb little paws,” while trying to knock over everything in your owners’s room to deplete her sleep meter. It is a very good time.

Meow.

MEEEOOOOWWWWWW.

How fast can you wake up your owner? It took me two minutes, but I had to resort to the cry-meow because I couldn’t get everything onto the floor! (Hat tip to my girlfriend, Stacy, who emailed me Garbage Cat this morning with the subject line: “lol.” I don’t think she was really lol-ing, though, because she’s the one who always gets up to stop the cat from ransacking our bedroom/chewing the paint off the dresser.)

8 Videos About Bees You Could Be Watching Right Now

feature image via Earth Touch News, “The Many Faces of Bees.”

I’ve been dreaming of bees lately.

One night not long ago, I turned to my girlfriend in bed and said, “When we grow up, we’re gonna live on a farm and raise bees together.” She smiled indulgently, stroked my hair, and told me to go back to sleep. In the morning, she reminded me that a) we’re already grown up, and b) we’re both city girls. But she didn’t give me a hard “no” on the beekeeping, so I’m going to go ahead and interpret that as a “maybe/probably yes!” When Riese starts her radical separatist homestead in the Midwest, we’ll be right there with our beekeeping suits on.

Outside of my dreams, the media has been absolutely abuzz with bee news lately! Bees have been making headlines for their unfortunate love of nicotine. Recently, Wired ran a piece on how we’re all worrying about the wrong bees, and the Spectator ran a thinkpiece on how bees are better at democracy than people. In Seattle, millions of bees (somewhere between 14 and 22 million) recently spilled on the interstate, to great devastation and the dismay of the Oregon wine industry. Elsewhere in the country, hundreds of millions of honeybees are making their way to New Jersey to pollinate the nation’s blueberries and cucumbers. In New York, the police department’s now-retired-one-man bee-containment unit has come forward saying he was falsely accused of stealing and selling bees. And in DC, environmental advocates recently gathered at the White House garden to urge Michelle Obama and her husband to protect the bees.

Although our life together in a separatist commune may not exist yet, I’ve collected eight excellent videos about bees that all of us dreamers can all watch right this very minute. Enjoy.

1. TED Talk: Marla Spivak On Why Bees Are Disappearing

Maybe you’ve already seen this one? If not, you should watch it because it gives a very interesting overview on the importance of bees! Also: did you know that tomato growers often pollinate their tomato flowers with a handheld vibrator?

2. “Burt” Talks To A “Bee”

Here’s a weirdo video for you explaining how queen bees reproduce.

3. Queen Bee Dance

Spoiler: around the seven minute mark, the woman with 12,000 honey bees on her chest has a tea party.

If you’re wondering how she gets the bees off, there’s a video about that too.

4. Urban Beekeeping In London

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkcQ-ePmswk

5. Intimate, Embodied Bee Experiences

Lisa Jean Moore and Mary Kosut, co-authors of Buzz: Urban Beekeeping and Power of the Bee, discuss some of the surprising things they found out about bees and urban beekeeping via their research.

6. Women Beekeepers In Ethiopia

“I admire her diligence and hard work. What she does is even unthinkable for a lot of men,” says Tenaye Enos’s husband. Tenaye is an entrepreneur in Masha, Ethiopia, who began a beekeeping business in 2005.

7. Honey On Tap

Check out this awesome flow hive design! (Although not everyone is into it.)

8. Julia’s Pet Bee

This cute kid rescued a carpenter bee, and is clearly 1000x better at keeping things alive than I am.

6 Ways to Get Your Crush’s Pet to be Obsessed With You

Feature image via Shutterstock

Hey y’all! (I can say y’all genuinely because I’m from Alabama!) It’s my first post ever on Autostraddle; I thought I should introduce myself. So hi! Hey. I’m Mary and I train animals for a living!

Photo by Robin Roemer

Specifically, I currently do a lot of dog training in Los Angeles. One time, I was in the 2013 Autostraddle Calendar and I’ve also been a counselor at the last four A-Camps! I thought it was very appropriate and long-overdue to talk about pets — our pets, your pets, things related to having pets — because so many of you have pets. We have the infographic to prove it:

Infographic created for the A+ Insider Newsletter

When I’m first dating someone, there are of course many little things that can make a big impact on my feelings about that person, like: how do they interact with their friends/family/coworkers? Do they read books? Can they cook food? Etc. But the interaction that I scrutinize the most — the one that if it doesn’t go well would stop the budding relationship dead in its tracks — is how the person I’m dating interacts with my 95 lb bear-dog, Kai.

Let me start by sharing with you all that Kai is a special dog, and by “special” I mean he’s an absolute pain in the ass. He’s very sensitive to basically everything. If you are excited at all, or touch him on the head, or walk, or move, or look at him, or express a feeling, or have a feeling, Kai will: jump or run around, or mouth your arm like a beef bone, or bring you every toy he owns and stare at you until you throw one/all of them, or he’ll just knock everything over. He’s big, he’s clumsy, he’s the center of my universe.

Meet ManBearDog, Kai (Photo by Robin Roemer

If you have an animal at home, like me, you probably know them better than you know yourself — you know their tics, if they’re easily amped up, if they have anxiety around new people, whatever their thing is. Watching new people interact with your “special” animal for the first time can be stressful, for both you and your dog/cat/lizard/whatever you have at home.

When my dog Kai met Alex (now my serious girlfriend) for the first time, like many people, she was a bit taken aback by his size. It was a shaky start, really. And yet just a few days later when we were watching an episode of Jersey Shore on my couch, Kai laid next to her, put his head in her lap, and fell asleep. And that’s the moment I knew that our relationship had serious potential.

The way to your crush’s heart is through the animal they keep in their house. You can increase your love points with your crush or girlfriend a billion times just simply by getting their pet to be completely and utterly obsessed with you.

Luckily it’s easy, and I happen to know a few secrets about getting critters to love me!

Meeting a new pet for the first time? Do. Nothing.

The first thing to do when meeting a new animal is nothing. DO. NOTHING. Please, fight every urge you have to chase them down and squeeze the dog/cat’s face with your own face or hands while very loudly exclaiming HOW MUCH YOU JUST FREAKIN’ LOVE CATS OR DOGS ZOMGSRSLY. Don’t be this guy. Don’t make eye contact, don’t reach out and touch, don’t get excited and lose your shit.

Click to enlarge

Channel what to do (or at least what everyone is supposed to do) when meeting a new human for the first time: maybe you say “hello” in a calm, relaxed voice, and there might be a hand shake, and a comfortable amount of space between you and this human you just met. There’s no aggressive head-rubbing of the new human or excessive shrieking at the new human. Imagine if a stranger approached you in the same way most people approach dogs they’ve never met before — you’d probably run in the opposite direction.

The rule is: if you wouldn’t do it when meeting a new person, then don’t do it with a new cat or dog. It’s rude and they don’t like it. Even if it looks like they like it, I promise they really don’t.

Get on their level

Since we’re not going up to the cat or dog and getting in their face, we’re going to give them space to come to us on their own terms, when they feel comfortable. The best way to invite this interaction is to sit somewhere in the house on the same level as the pet — usually this is the floor. I don’t sit close to or next to them; in fact, I will try to sit on the opposite side of the room.

Ask questions

Ask questions (in a calm, quiet voice) to whoever parents the animal and listen to what they say. Ask what the animal likes and what they don’t like. Ask where and how they like to be touched. Ask if there are any training goals they are working on. Do they like treats? Do they like to play with toys? Then you totally take this knowledge and use it against them! apply it!

I can’t tell you how many friends I’ve introduced to my dog who interacted with him in a way that drove me nuts! It’s a huge turn-off. Ask questions and listen to the answers.

PRO TIP: Most dogs and cats hate being touched on the top of the head by a stranger — try to instead touch them gently on the chest or under their chin. It’s a much more polite way to touch!

Don’t go to them, let them come to you

Once you’ve made it through the door and you’re on the animal’s level, let them come to you in their own way and at their own speed. If the animal approaches you, put your hand out and let them determine the type of interaction they want. Do they smell you and walk away? Let them leave. Do they rub up against you and elicit a scratch? Give them some love! Most animals will “yo-yo” at first — they’ll come in close, then leave, come back again, then leave. Give them the space to get to know you in a way that makes them feel comfortable. When you do finally reach out and touch them, do so gently, keep it short and sweet, don’t make direct eye contact, and keep your voice calm and quiet.

Good job, owl. (via buzzfeed)

All of these little gestures are understood by animals as “calming signals.” Basically, you are communicating to the animal that you’re cool and calm and mean no harm. It isn’t unlike the non-verbal communication we would have with each other.

On the flip side, there are other non-verbal signals you can send to an animal that can send the wrong message. Animals can perceive things like making direct eye contact, hugging, going over their head, vigorous touch, getting in their face, kissing, quick movements, and speaking in a loud voice as confrontational and threatening. In most cases, this type of body language will prompt that animal to get as far away from you as possible. Sometimes, if the animal feels trapped or seriously threatened, it can even elicit an aggressive response. The exact opposite of what we want!

Don’t get cray

Don’t get too crazy too fast. No wrestling or rough play — not at first! (Or ever.) Contain your excitement and keep the meeting low energy. Getting someone’s pet all amped up is rude unless you plan on sticking around long enough to expel that energy. It will also encourage unwanted behavior that most pet owners want to discourage. Calm animals are happy animals.

Get involved, take an interest!

If all goes well, take an interest! Is your special person working late? Offer to take Fido on a walk! Teach them something new! Go with them to a training class! Come up with some fun enrichment ideas! The more you invest in the animal, the more you’re investing in your special person. There is nothing worse than dating someone who doesn’t like your pet. Don’t make your special person feel like they have to choose between hanging with you and spending time with their four-legged child.

The beginning of a new relationship can be so much fun and full of excitement, not only with getting to know a new human, but also with getting to know a with a new animal! We tend to expect animals to be obsessed with us simply because we are humans. The bottom line is: don’t be that guy. Spend some time! Give them experiences to show them they can trust you! Bring fun activities into their life! Get to know them and find out what they actually like. You won’t believe the difference!

Follow Mary’s dog training company, Tully’s Training, on Facebook and Instagram.

Sunday Top Ten: Spectacular Nature Documentaries For Watching While Wrapped Up In A Blanket

Welcome to the seventh edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008. 

Hello, world, and welcome to the Sunday Top Ten. Yesterday was Saturday Staycation Spectacular Day and I promised my girlfriend Abby I wouldn’t work all the live-long day long, but prospects were dimming on Friday as the big day approached and my to-do list continued to attack me with its monster claws. That’s when Abby — who was home sick but goes insane if she’s not being as productive as possible at any given moment (just like me! match made in heaven!) — asked if there was anything she could do to help ensure I’d actually have a day off this week and I was like, Yeah you could write the Sunday Top Ten for me. SO HERE WE ARE.

If you followed my work back when I was a tiny thing with a little blog, you will recognize the grand tradition of outsourced Sunday Top Tens, which in the past have included my pal Crystal, my little brother Lewis, my then-girlfriend TB and my best friend Natalie.

If you’ve only followed my work here on this website, you’re also likely aware that I don’t do animals, science or nature. I had to take one science class in college and I took a class about monkeys because monkeys are cute. I took it pass/fail. I PASSED. That’s the best science-related thing I’ve ever done. According to reader surveys, my disinterest in these topics is very sad for you! HERE’S YOUR BIG CHANCE TO TALK ABOUT NATURE AND SCIENCE MOVIES, YA WEIRDOS. Speaking of weirdos, if you ever wondered “will Riese ever find a life companion who can out-weirdo her” — good news.

TOP 10 NATURE DOCUMENTARIES THAT I WATCHED WHILE WRAPPED IN A BLANKET AND TOTALLY ENGAGED

by Abby

1. At the Edge of Space (Nova / PBS)

amazon // netflix

This was one I immediately clicked on just because of the title. It talks to real-life scientists about real-life PHENOMENA w/r/t space and time and all the mysteries in between. Also, we all know that NOVA can do no wrong.

2. The Blue Planet (BBC)

amazon // netflix // hulu

First off, this might become a list of documentaries about life in the ocean because that’s my fave subject. This was the first documentary about life in the ocean that I watched after the way-too-perfect Planet Earth series. Second off, David Attenborough narrates. Third off, sardines. Fourth — sharks and whales, sharks and whales, SHARKS AND WHALES!!!

3. Crocpocalypse (Nat Geo)

netflix

Don’t always judge a book by it’s cover, sure — but do often judge a documentary by it’s clever title. After you watch this, I would love to hear your opinion on crocodiles as a possible household pet.

4. Leave it to Beavers (Nature / PBS)

amazon // netflix

This was amazing. I saw this sometime last year when I was tripped out on cough syrup and thought I was watching The Angry Beavers — but instead stumbled upon an eye-opening piece on the true genius of beavers. They call them hydro-engineers! Which is also what I think Riese’s brother’s job title is. Maybe they should rename this documentary Leave It To Lewis.

5. Wild China (BBC)

amazon // netflix // hulu

I’m actually watching this as we speak. It’s amazing. China is home to a diverse array of climates and terrains. Wild China goes from cave fishes to swallows in rice paddies — all while explaining the history and culture of these diverse regions. Also how cute are the monkeys?! Like come on.

6. David Attenborough Wildlife Specials (BBC)

netflix

I could get a tattoo that says “I LOVE DAVID ATTENBOROUGH” and never regret it. I could take Autostraddle’s “Misandrist” tee and scribble just underneath the finely-laid gold print “except David Attenborough.” I’d buy David Attenborough a sandwich at Whole Foods and not even wince when the cashier asks me for twelve dollars. If I like him so much, why don’t I marry him, right? Cause I’m just a little too gay. A little too gay. So instead, I’ll just watch “Humpback Whale: Giant Of The Oceans” over and over. Although this could be a list of “Top 10 Nature Documentaries David Attenborough Is Involved In,” I’m going for a little more rounded approach. But don’t that stop you from a D.A. marathon. Go forth!

7. The National Parks: America’s Best Idea (PBS)

netflix // amazon  // hulu

The National Parks are possibly the best thing about this country. Even if it’ll take me a lifetime to get to all of them, Ken Burns and his camera crew will do in the meantime. Them panoramic shots, am I right?!

8. Africa (BBC)

amazon

I used to wonder why celebrities would put movie theatres in their houses when they are in the 1% that can afford a movie ticket — and then I watched this. This makes me want to build a house of movie screens and watch this everywhere. P.S. Guess who narrates?!

9. Vanishing Pearls

netflix

Though this is definitely more on the political side of nature documentaries, I still think it’s very important to include. It’s so good. It’s so so good. Sometimes I’ll even tear up while talking about and/or hearing about it because it’s so good. Watch it. So good!

10. Search for the Great Sharks (Discovery)

hulu // netflix // amazon

I don’t give a damn about their bad reputation — I love sharks. I’ve always loved sharks. I’m pretty sure this was one of my first nature documentaries – my grandma took me to see it in the IMAX theatre in downtown Indianapolis (big day out!) and it was love at first bite (haw haw). Intelligent, athletic, and the victim of some pretty gnarly marketing (re: Jaws) these creatures have endured and hopefully will continue to. Also — be the coolest kid during Shark Week and know ALL the shark facts!

What are your favorite nature documentaries, readers?

50 Shades of Grey Cats

Happy Valentine’s Day, y’all! We love you!

Sunday Top Ten: Some Cats I Don’t Hate

Welcome to the fourth edition of Sunday Top Ten, a list of completely random and undoubtedly self-indulgent things that may or may not be published on a Sunday or number “ten.” This feature is a continuation of the Sunday Top Tens I used to write for my earth-shattering personal blog Autowin, where I talked about myself pretty much constantly from 2006-2008. 

First things first: I don’t really hate your cat. If you caught me telling your cat “I hate you,” I was just kidding, it’s a joke we do together! No but seriously, I wish I liked cats. For starters, they look delightful in photographs! Furthermore, lesbians love cats, and kittens (aka “pre-cats”) are such charming little animals (until they become cats, because I hate cats). Alas, I’m very much allergic to pre-cats and cats-proper in a sloppy, enflamed, itchy, eyeball-scratching, face-sneezing, eyes-watering, nose-running, body-not-sleeping kind of way. Often cat owners take it really personally that I don’t want to hang out on a couch coated with allergens or sleep over with my head smashed into the same pillow their cat uses for Cat Naps. Honestly, y’all, sometimes I’m amazed cats have any hair left on their bodies because it’s seriously all over your furniture and your coat. There is an actual animal’s worth of hair on your sweater! I thought your sweater was a living thing! Also, litter boxes are uncivilized. They’re filled with — let’s be honest — the ashes of dead Nazis — and topped off with tiny foul piles of animal waste. Nobody wants to see that, especially me.

Ultimately, I think dogs are better creatures than cats on a few levels (and somehow my allergy to dogs has faded significantly since childhood) but not all cats are awful. Some of them are pretty okay.

Top 18 Cats I Don’t Hate

1. Winston

It was really said when Rich Juzwiak (blogged as fourfour, now writes for Gawker) and his boyfriend broke up in 2012 and then Winston no longer belonged to us on the internet. Still, because the internet is forever, you can witness some of Winston’s best moments on a pinterest board entirely devoted to his existence, read an interview with Winston on Buzzfeed, and think to yourself, “why is this cat the only cat Riese watches videos of on the internet?” (BECAUSE HE’S  HILARIOUS)

2. Salem Saberhagen

I love how this cat was like, “I can talk, and I’ve got shit to say.” As I recall, he was a pretty sassy cat, and the laugh track on Sabrina the Teenage Witch found him HILARIOUS!

3. Simba

The Lion King is a masterpiece and Simba is the baby lion we all dream of cuddling with at night.

4. Oliver

Oliver and Company is one of my favorite Disney films ever and I feel it is desperately underrated. I’d love to see Oliver and Company on Broadway. I once performed the whole musical on my futon for my parents, I think they really liked it. My rendition of “Perfect Isn’t Easy” was a highlight, for sure.

5. The Nope Cat

This cat is hilarious. Our Tech Director Cee printed out a bunch of Nope Cats and brought them to A-Camp (an annual retreat/conference/camp hybrid for queer women hosted by this website) and hung them up all over. It was funny.

6. A-Camp Cats

Speaking of A-Camp, now that we’re headed into our sixth A-Camp, I’m really running out of new exciting names for our cabins. I can usually rely on some kind of feline, however, and over the years we’ve had cabins called Wildcats, Thundercats, Hellcats, Cat Power, Panthers and Tiger Beat. Stay tuned for Pussy Riot.

7. Whiskey Kitten

Photography © jmberman1 2009

This kitten saw us through some of our darkest days! Like that time that Autostraddle stopped working in Google Chrome, that time Autostraddle stopped working period and basically everything about life that has ever been difficult. This kitten was there. Bless the man who photographed the kitten, and bless G-d for inventing whiskey.

8. Hobbes

“Calvin & Hobbes” is my favorite comic strip of all time!

9. Crookshanks

I just started reading Harry Potter for the first time (I know!) and therefore am only 75% of the way through The Prizoner of Aztecland, so I can’t say much about this cat besides that Ron is really mad at this cat right now for killing his rat. The thing is that rats are gross, so two thumbs up to this cat for getting rid of it. Owls for everybody!

10. “Cat” from Breakfast at Tiffany‘s

I lived with a cat for about two months, and I wanted to name it “cat,” but my roommate insisted on naming “Moo.” I called it “Cat” though, regardless. I didn’t even remember that Holly Golightly had made the same decision! But then I saw the movie again and was like, holy shit, we are both geniuses!

11. Catwoman

The best thing about catwoman is that she’s actually just a woman, but wearing a cat outfit. The cat outfit is usually very tight and sexual and has been worn by many ladies over the years including Eartha Kitt, Michelle Pfeiffer, Anne Hathaway, Lee Meriweather, Julie Newmar and, notably, Halle Berry (As per the poster above. I didn’t actually see Catwoman but the poster looks nice).

12. Marie

I don’t remember The Aristocats very well but there’s a cat in it named Marie. Marie is also MY name (Riese is my nickname), which means I have something in common with this cat. We also have lots of things NOT in common, like I don’t pee in a box.

13. The East Dillon Lions & The Dillon Panthers

Much like Coach Taylor himself, I can’t really choose between these two outstanding groups of gentleman, but I’m pretty sure they don’t shed, so.

14. We Are All Made Of Kittens

This is a tumblr Laneia and I made about ourselves. It was pictures of cats but it was things that actually happened but with all of us, like at my apartment in New York during Pride, or at Dinah Shore or other times. It’s really funny and honest and I highly recommend it. Kittens featured on this monumental work of art include Design Director Alex Vega, founding team member Tess, former managing editor Sarah Palmface, former Tech Editor Taylor Hatmaker and ALL OF THE INTERNS!

15. The Cats Of “The Real L Word”

The cats were bored when we were bored, confused when we were confused, and hungry when we were hungry. The cats made B-Roll into A-Plus-Roll. Given the choice of watching a show about cats or a show about Romi, I’d probably go with the cats.

16. Look At That F*cking Stuff Lesbian Kittens Like

via Look At That F*cking Stuff Lesbian Kittens Like

This was one of our most brilliant post ideas of all time. It was cats being lesbians. Click on it, you’ll see.

17. The Cheshire Cat

This is like your kinda-annoying friend who always has really good drugs, I think.

18. Lord Tubbington

Lord Tubbington is a cat I can tell I wouldn’t like in real life, because he seems really prone to shedding. But I really appreciate his contributions to Brittany S. Pierce’s Fondue for Two, a webseries within a series I have to recap called Glee. It’s pretty awful, writing this post was much better!

Holiday Gift Guide for Your Furry (or Feathered or Scaly) Friend

Just because they have no concept of holidays or human cultural traditions doesn’t mean your pets wouldn’t enjoy a special treat for the holigays. So hang a tiny stocking for your furry or feathered or scaly friend and fill it full of goodies and then Instagram that shit so everyone will see how much you love your little baby boo. Even if they don’t care about unwrapping presents and lack the opposable thumbs to do so, your cuddly best friend will love these gifts!

Ferrets

Ferrets notoriously love to cause ruckus play games. You could give them a paper bag or a cardboard box, but since it’s a special occasion, here are some more adorable ideas.

Marshall Pet Pirate Ship
What did the pirate ferret say to the other ferret? ARGH! Wait…that joke doesn’t make sense. But that’s not even the big issue here. The million dollar question is how to get an tiny eye patch on your tiny ferret’s tiny face.

Marshall Flower Shaped Krackle Sack
Shut up about how cute this is. Flower power for your little cutie pies!

Marshall Ferret Hide-N-Sleep Alligator
It’s an alligator! It’s a bed! It’s a hiding place! Get in there, ferret, get in there!

Ware Fun Tunnels
This simple tunnel will satisfy your ferret’s desire to burrow and it is very affordable and easily replaceable if it gets gnawed on by little ferret teeth.

Dogs

Because sometimes you need to see your dog with a mustache or watch them absolutely lose their shit over stuffed squirrels or work their brains with a food-motivated puzzle. Here’s some fun and unusual toys for your doggie friend.

Nina Ottosson DogTwister Interactive game
For the Ivy League dog, a very fun game. For a less advanced dog, maybe a horrible torture device that makes doggie sad.

Kyjen Hide-A-Squirrel Puzzle Toy for Dogs
Come on. Look at all those squirrels that are just begging to have their stuffing ripped out like fluffy entrails! There’s nowhere to hide, squirrels!

goDog Dragons With Chew Guard Technology
Well, this dragon is just adorable. And supposedly, according to the reviews, very sturdy and able to resist violent chewing.

Humunga Lips and ‘Stache Fetch Toy
Your hipster dog needs this hipster mustache or oversized lips. How ironic but not really because that’s not really what irony is.

Rabbits

I am the proud parents of two naughty bunnies and Aphrodite and Gandalf personally approve these toys for your bun bun.

Timali Original Activity Zone
This activity center has lots of things to play with and shred and chew on, including the table itself. Functional!

Rosewood Small Animal Fun Tree Boredom Breaker
For the rabbit who likes to dig, chew, so…like…all bunnies ever. Give them this tree so they don’t dig and chew your furniture and carpet!

Ware Corn-E-Carrot Small Pet Chew Toy
Your bunny baby needs to chew on something, so why not this little sisal carrot? It’s a safe natural fiber that’s the perfect size for your bunny to toss around. This is a carrot that’s safe to give your bunny every day (since carrots are actually not the best food for rabbits…did you know that?).

Ware Natural Pine and Sisal Wood Bun-E-Fun Ring Toss Toy
Many bunnies like a rowdy game of flip-n-toss and this rope and wood keyring is a great size for such silliness. Give it to your bun and watch them flip their shit, literally.

Hagen Living World Pet Tunnel, Large

Birds

Your bird needs lots of fun toys to bust boredom and stimulate their little birdie brains. Here’s some fun and pretty stuff you can add to your bird habitat.

Super Bird Creations Rainbow Bridge
Get your feathered friend ready for Pride with this decadent rainbow-colored chew toy. According to reviews, it is not a bridge or perch so much as a toy for chewing and hanging, nor is it for very large birds, but 9 out of 10 birds agree it is great for destroying mercilessly.

Bonka Clacker Bird Toy
If you love giving your purty birdy toys that they can use to annoy the hell out of you, this dangly noisy toy will fit the bill. The bill, like beak, get it? Also it has random plastic pacifiers so your bird can pretend to be at a 90’s rave.

Prevue Hendryx Naturals Coco Hideaway with Ladder
How adorable is this little coconut shell house with the cute little ladder?! Imagine your little bird’s face peeking out of the shell. Oh, gawd, so cute! 100% natural and eco-friendly, to boot!

Creative Foraging Systems Foraging Wheel
Indulge your bird’s natural desire to forage and curious mind with this foraging wheel by Creative Foraging Systems. Beats cage boredom and makes a fun game out of treat time!

Cats

Our weirdo cat eschews all fancy toys and prefers trash: paper strips, plastic bags, boxes, string. He’s really into DIY fun. Ugh, he’s such a hipster.

For those of you without hipster cats, you need some good fun toys. But you know about catnip toys and tiny mice. Here’s some cat toys that will really take your relationship with your cat to the next level. Your feline familiar will freak out for these automated sci-fi-like toys that make playtime last beyond your capacity to keep pushing the button on the damn laser pointer.

FroliCat – Pounce
Lazy pet owners rejoice! Push a button and Marshal Mouse (That’s his name. Really. It’s trademarked.) will go forward, backward, twitch and run for 10 minutes. The fun won’t stop until your cat passes out from exhaustion or your 10 minutes is up.

SmartyKat Loco! Motion Cat Toy Automated Activity Toy
Come on! Come on! Do the Loco Motion! This horrible genius device will keep your cat guessing and pouncing for up to two hours. TWO HOURS. Adjust the speed dial and pick a preset program from 15 minutes to two hours of play and let the games begin!

FroliCat BOLT Interactive Laser Pet Toy
If your cat is like my cat, they just have to catch that red dot. This toy looks like a high end sex toy, but it isn’t! It’s a fancy laser pointer! You can use it manual mode and control the laser yourself or turn on one of the automated programs, set it on a flat surface, and let your cat have at it for 15 minutes.

SmartyKat Hot Pursuit Cat Toy Concealed Motion Toy
You have seen the commercial for this cat toy, yes? It’s one of those tv infomercial things, which probably means it is made of cheap parts. However, I looked for real Youtube videos of real cats playing with this very poorly named toy, like the one above, and it seems to be a real good time. For $12.99, what do you have to lose?

Guinea Pigs

Our wiggle pigs love a good house to hide in or a bundle of sticks to chew on. Guinea pig needs are pretty simple: food, food, food, food, love, food, hiding spots, chew toys, food. These fun toys will speak to your piggies’ natural instincts.

Oxbow Simple Rewards Banana Treat
Our wiggle pigs love Oxbow Simple Rewards treats. The treats are delicious and safe for their sensitive digestive systems. They aren’t packed full of sugar and chemicals and dairy like some of the other treats for guinea pigs (and other small critters).

Ware Edible Hand Woven Willow Twig Tunnel Hideout
Is it a chew toy? Is it a house? Is it a play thing? Yes! We always have a couple of these for our pigs to run through, sleep in, and slowly deconstruct with their teeth like tiny performance artists trying to remind us of the impermanence of “home.”

Prevue Hendryx Nature’s Hideaway Cross Tube Hideaway
I would like an adult size version of this toy, please. This is like a hay maze, but for pigs. Wait, do they have hay mazes everywhere? Is that just an Upstate NY thing? Anyway, pigs like to burrow and this edible tunnel system is a safe and fun way to do so. You can really never have enough burrowing and hiding spots for your piggles, especially if they are also good for chewing.

Hagen Living World Pet Tunnel, Medium
More tunnels! This one is less chewable (though that does not guarantee your pig won’t try to shred it), but easy to move around and create different shapes with. You can buy more than one and attach them to create a huge piggie run!

Turtles

I hope you really like your turtle friend, because these little cuties can life for a really, really long time. Like, you may need to write your turtle friend into your will. In the meantime, give them a happy home and spoil them with treats!

Zoo Med Laboratories Turtle Bone
Keep those turtle mandibles in check with this floating chew bone. It provides supplemental calcium and, unlike the similar calcium toys made for birds, these are made specifically for turtle habitats and don’t have a hard backing.

Penn Plax Decorative Turtle Topper/Basking Platform
A penthouse for your turtle friend, this tank topper allows you to fill the aquarium all the way and still provide a warm and dry basking area.

Zoo Med Sun Dried Large Red Shrimp
Not gonna’ lie. This looks really gross to me, but I bet your turtle will think it’s really delicious. Eww. Delicious.

R-Zilla Real Clam Turtle Chasers Floating Treat
This turtle treat is made with real clam and the tagline is, “The Taste Your Turtle Will Chase!” (Cue chasing clam joke)

Rats

I’ve had five rats as pets over the years and they are, by far, my favorite companion animal of the pocket pet variety. They are super smart, really affectionate, social, and playful. They love their human friends! Show you love them back by showering them with affection and fun toys.

Super Pet Lava Ledge
Rats like to climb and sit up high. This perch, also great for chinchillas, will be a nice addition to their cage. Put a few together in a staggered formation to create a climbing wall.

Lixit Critter Space Pod 2 Large
I don’t know what to tell you about this pod house other than that you need to hang it on the cage and let your rats in there. They will love it. It will be the best thing that has ever happened to them. Fits two rats easily and a larger rat pack more snugly.

Kaytee Knot Nibbler Chew Toy
This is just a regular old chew toy and you could find lots of wooden chew toys of various designs and sizes, to be real. This one is here because, honestly, is a bit nostalgic for me. My first rattie, Dr. Pepper, loved his knot nibbler. I still have it because I’m weird. They do last a long time and have lots of interesting bits to chew on and disassemble.

Living World Teach N Treat Toy
Rats are super smart and like to solve puzzles with their rat brains. This treat puzzle is the perfect size for their little rattie paws. There are three levels for your rat to solve.

Snakes

Well, Slytherin, your fang-toothed friend would probably refer some dead mice for the holidays, but that’s a morbid image for a gift guide. So here are some gift options to spruce up the terrarium your snake calls home.

Exo Terra Crocodile Skull Terrarium D
Creepy and perfect for smaller snakes to slither in and out of the eye holes. Hssss!

Exo Terra Snake Cave
Every snake needs a dark and solitary place to call home, because snakes are emo. This cave should do the trick.

Exo Terra Heat Wave Rock
This heated rock imitates sun-baked rocks, great for your snake to relax on and get some warmth from. It has automatic shut-off, so it will never overheat.