Free Dog Name Ideas That Are Just the Names of Lesbian Movie Characters

Ever since I watched Princess Cyd in 2018 (and then rewatched it the next day with my then partner) I’ve wanted to get a pit bull and name her Princess Cyd. Imagine! Most days she’d be called Cyd. When she’s really good Princess. And when she’s bad Cydney. It’s a perfect dog name, and it would be a great excuse to tell more people to watch Stephen Cone’s lovely film.

Alas, I still do not have Princess Cyd. I grew up with dogs, so I know the responsibility being a proper dog owner entails. Dogs are expensive and they require a stability I don’t have. I’m in a long distance relationship and maybe if I wanted to get a tiny dog, I could plan to travel with them, but a pit bull or even most pit bull mixes would be too challenging to take back and forth between Brooklyn and Toronto.

But I haven’t given up! Someday I’ll have Princess Cyd — after all I moved into an apartment near a dog park like some chidlless 30 year olds move into an area with good elementary schools — and, in the mean time, I’ve come up with this list of other excellent dog names from other queer movies.

1. Jaguar, for a dog who is bold and would risk anything for someone they love like Maria Schrader in Aimée & Jaguar
2. Benedetta (Benny for short), for a dog who according to some may not go to heaven like Virginie Efira in Benedetta
3. PJ and Josie, for a pair of dogs who like to play and fight like Rachel Sennott and Ayo Edebiri in Bottoms
4. Corky, for a dog with a tough exterior and a tender heart like Gina Gershon in Bound
5. Graham, for a dog who will love you before you love yourself like Clea DuVall in But I’m a Cheerleader
6. (Martha) Dobie, for a dog who was named after a Harry Potter character years after that would’ve been cool but now it feels really not cool so you want to change it to Shirley MacLaine’s character in The Children’s Hour
7. Valentine, for a dog who will follow you around as your little assistant like Kristen Stewart in Clouds of Sils Maria
8. Zoinx, for a dog who is an out-of-this-world weirdo like Susan Ziegler in Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same
9. Lucy Diamond, for a dog who is a lovable villain like Jordana Brewster in D.E.B.S.
10. Zen, for a dog who reminds you to be a free ass motherfucker like Tessa Thompson in Dirty Computer
11. Ronit, for a dog who likes to slobber like Rachel Weisz in Disobedience
12. Diggy, for a dog who will stay by your side through any amount of hijinks like Kiersey Clemons in Dope
13. Sergio, for a dog who will stay in bed with you for days like Laia Costa in Duck Butter
14. Jobu Tupaki, for a dog who traverses the multiverse like Stephanie Hsu in Everything Everywhere All At Once
15. Queen Anne, for a dog who gets what she wants when she wants it like Olivia Colman in The Favourite
16. Legs, for a dog who is fiercely loyal and just fierce like Angelina Jolie in Foxfire
17. Idgie, for a dog who loves pie like Mary Stuart Masterson in Fried Green Tomatoes
18. Ricki, for a dog who loves turkey time like Jennifer Lopez in Gigli (actually turkey is bad for dogs, but also Ben is bad for Jen so…)
19. Harper, for a dog who you want to give a second chance — and a third and a fourth — like Mackenzie Davis in Happiest Season
20. Theodora, for a dog who will cuddle you through life’s scariest moments like Claire Bloom in The Haunting
21. Paulie, for a dog who loves a little too hard or just really loves birds like Piper Perabo in Lost & Delirious
22. Dylan, for a dog who loves her mommy like Lil Harlow in Mommy Is Coming
23. Lady Divine, for a dog who is fun and filthy like Divine in Multiple Maniacs
24. Nimona, for a dog with spunk who is hard to pin down like Chloë Grace Moretz in Nimona
25. Diana Nyad, for a dog who really loves to swim like Annette Bening in NYAD
26. Tory, for a dog who really loves to run like Patrice Donnelly in Personal Best
27. Sophie, for a dog who will live with you and your soulmate on the French seaside like Lùana Bajrami in Portrait of a Lady on Fire
28. Cleo, for a dog who is a ride or die like Queen Latifah in Set It Off
29. Lydia Tàr, for a dog who controls all of your time like Cate Blanchett in TÀR
30. Suzie, for a dog who is a wild thing like Neve Campbell in Wild Things

Or, you can always honor an Autostraddle icon, and name your dog Carol.

You Need Help: Wanting To Move In Together but Unsure About Sharing Bed With Dog

Q:

A recent question about cats in relationships encouraged me to bring this question here! I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a little over 8 months, and things are going well! We thought about moving in together around the six month mark. It was partially a financial decision, but we’re also both eager to live together as the back and forth between apartments is starting to feel silly and we’re really really ready for the next step! I was the one who put it on pause for a bit though, and I told her it was because I’m not quite ready to part ways with my personal space yet, and thankfully she was understanding but I feel bad because I wasn’t…entirely honest. It’s not so much that I don’t want to give up my space…it’s that I’m having trouble imagining sleeping with a dog in the bed every single night.

My girlfriend has a super sweet lab mix who I love dearly, but I’m very new to the concept of sleeping with a dog in the bed. I thought they made dog beds for this exact reason?! I’m not even grossed out per se…it’s more like I just wake up a lot when sharing the bed with her dog because he snores, gets up to move around, and makes me overheat. It’s fine for sleepovers here and there at my gf’s but I greatly prefer when she sleeps at mine for this exact reason. (She brings the dog over, but he sleeps in a dog bed when at mine which she was super open to from the get because she understood me not wanting him in my own bed.)

It makes sense to me to set my own rules about the dog in my place, but if I move in with her, I don’t think I’ll have as much of a say over what the dog can and can’t do especially because the dog is used to sleeping in her bed at this point. But I genuinely am not sure I can imagine sleeping with a dog EVERY NIGHT for the rest of my future! Am I overthinking this? Will I just get used to it? Is there specific etiquette for moving in with someone when it comes to like new house rules or something? I love my girlfriend and I love her dog! I just also love sleep!

A:

I honestly love that people are bringing me their pet drama! And fortunately, I can answer this one pretty easily as I too was someone who as a bit hesitant about sharing a bed with a dog upon moving in with my now-fiancee.

First of all, I think it’s totally normal to have reservations about this. I’m not surprised you delayed the move-in process because of it. It’s a big deal! Mixing sleeping patterns and habits is one of the harder parts of moving in with someone. And mixing pets or starting to live with a pet full time are big deals, too. I actually want to start with one of the questions near the end of your letter: Is there specific etiquette for moving in with someone when it comes to like new house rules or something? I think this is an interesting and complex question! I have almost always been the person to move in with a partner rather than them moving in with me. The first time I did it in a serious way, I didn’t vocalize any of my preferences for house rules. I just fully adopted my ex’s way of living. Part of this was because I was young — both in terms of literal age but also in my queerness. I hadn’t been out for very long, and I struggled to really advocate for my true wants and needs in a relationship.

When I moved in with my current partner, I had more confidence and understood myself better. A lot of this actually came from a bout of acute insomnia I experienced at the end of my last relationship that affected me on so many levels I was determined to never let myself fall back into it if possible! So one of the first things I said to my girlfriend as we were moving in together after being long distance for a while was that I didn’t want a television in the bedroom. She agreed to adhere to this even though she was sacrificing something she’d always lived with. And it’s not like I would have ended the relationship if she hadn’t agreed; but her willingness to bend a bit was deeply meaningful to me. I think the partner who is moving in with someone should get some say in the living arrangements and rules and this shouldn’t be seen as an imposition. Because sure, the other person has already been living there and has their habits and preferences, but introducing a new person to a space fundamentally changes the space. You’re the one moving in, but both you and your girlfriend are taking this step together.

I had no clue what I was really getting into by living with my girlfriend’s French bulldog. I hadn’t thought about it much early in the relationship, because in addition to being long distance, I also assumed when we moved in together that I would be bringing my cat from my previous relationship. Maybe this would make some people more anxious — I know mixing pets can be hard! But in my mind, it was more of a level playing field; we both would have a furry companion with us during the transition to living together. I wasn’t bringing much from my previous life: no furniture, no kitchen things, just clothes and books really. But my cat felt like an important tether to my life before and like a sense of stability during major change.

Things didn’t go the way I expected. My ex kept the cat. I freaked out. I didn’t have my tether anymore. But then I turned a corner and just decided to lean all the way into change, into uncertainty. I moved in with my partner and her dog under pretty high stakes conditions: We were moving across the country to a city neither of us had ever lived in for a semester-long residency she got that then turned into a much longer residency because it was early 2020. I like to say we went from long distance to lockdown.

We nested when we first got to her residency, excited to make things cozy and ours. But then the pandemic began and there wasn’t really time to figure out how to live together under normal circumstances, so we got a crash course in cohabitation. All during this time, I was indeed adjusting to the fact of the dog and the fact of her sleeping in the bed with us.

I grew up around dogs but never with one in the house. The dogs I did know slept in dog beds. Now, this French bulldog might be small (and probably is smaller than your gf’s lab mix?) but she is not exactly a silent, still presence. She snores. She gets cold and then wants to be covered. She makes her presence known. And I love her dearly! I was calling her my “stepdogter” within the first month of living with her.

But I won’t lie: Adjusting to having her in the bed was hard. Here are some things I wish I’d had a better understanding of when moving in with a dog: You can definitely be strict with them about which part of the bed they occupy. I sort of just let the Frenchie smash up against me if she wanted to, and my partner was like “you know you can make her stay at the end of the bed right?” I did not know that! Having a blanket that’s specifically hers at the end of the bed helps with this, too. And then it’s easy to wash that blanket separately from your own bedding if you want.

Another thing that helped immensely: upgrading from the full-size bed we had at the residency to a California king. I’m not sure what size bed your girlfriend has but…for as expensive as they are, a giant bed is well worth it when there are bed pets involved.

But something that gives me a lot of hope about your specific situation is that you haven’t actually moved in together yet, which means you are absolutely in a perfect place to actually talk about this with your girlfriend and see if there are possible compromises or solutions to be made. How much does she know about your reluctance to share a bed with the dog? If she’s being an understanding and reasonable partner, she won’t take this reluctance as some sort of indictment of her dog. If she does, that’s a problem honestly! It should be perfectly fine for you to say you’re unsure or nervous about sleeping with the dog every night. This was a literal conflict on The Ultimatum: Queer Love, and I do not think Tiff handled it very well when Sam said she didn’t really want to sleep with the dog. Pets are important parts of our lives, of course. But it should be normal to expect some growing pains when asking a partner to move in with your pets. There will be an adjustment period, and there will likely be some concessions or changes that need to be made to make everyone comfortable. That’s just part of moving in with someone in general.

I’m glad to hear there are at least different sleeping arrangements when you sleep at your place, which makes me think your girlfriend does have some knowledge of your preferences but also makes me think it could be possible to shift the dog’s behaviors if that’s what you and your girlfriend decide to do. If he can sleep in a dog bed at your place, it might be an easy transition to get him to sleep in a dog bed all the time or at least part time. It’s of course possible your girlfriend won’t want to change the dog’s behavior. Perhaps she actually sleeps better with him in the bed. But I think she should at least be open to hearing your thoughts and should take this seriously; your sleep is important, too! And once there are sleep-related problems when it comes to living with someone, I feel like that can be a really slippery slope into bigger issues, because sleep really affects so many parts of of health and lives!

I don’t think you’re overthinking this. I think it’s a really significant thing. But I also don’t think it has to be some automatic relationship dealbreaker. I do think you should talk about it before you commit to moving in. You were ultimately right to delay that timeline, but you should definitely be more honest with her about why you delayed.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

You Need Help: How Do I Make Myself Like My Girlfriend’s Cat?

Q:

I know that as a lesbian this is sacrilegious, but I don’t really like cats. I have tried to fight this feeling for much of my life, tentatively patting friends’ cats and smiling at funny videos, but much like my sexuality, no amount of faking it could change me. My family always had several big, friendly, cozy dogs when I was growing up and just don’t really ‘get’ cats or why you would want one in your home.

The issue is, my girlfriend and I moved in together a few months ago after three years of dating, and she has a cat — so now, by default, I have a cat. I’ve tried, genuinely really hard to warm to him. He’s a sweet enough cat and I’ve sometimes had fun playing with him, and I do enjoy when he curls into a little loaf.

But I just can’t get past this negative feeling towards him. I don’t like the way he climbs all over the furniture, don’t like having to hide my stuff so he won’t scratch it, don’t like having a litter box in our living room, don’t like the creepy way he stares at me…I could go on. I recognize these are all pretty minor things, but it all just makes me that bit less comfortable in my home and I feel my mood darken when I hear his meow. I am aware that I sound like a terrible person and this is why I can’t discuss the issue with friends.

My girlfriend is aware I’m not the biggest cat person and we talked a bit about my concerns before we moved in together. He’s not allowed in our bedroom, and she’s conscious of dealing with his litter etc. But I don’t want to tell her that I’m struggling now because she’d only be stressed and upset and there’s nothing she could do.

I don’t want my girlfriend to get rid of her cat, of course, that would be a horrible thing to do and our relationship definitely wouldn’t recover. I just want to learn to love (or at least like) this creature who will now be part of my life for the next ten or so years (all being well with my relationship and the cat’s health). How can I do this?

A:

First of all, I just want to affirm that it is perfectly okay to not like cats. I say this as a cat person! It is okay to not like cats, and it is not required of gays to like cats despite any stereotypes that might exist. You are also not a terrible person, and if you do want to talk about this with your friends, I think they would be open to it. Who knows — some of them might be able to relate and offer advice! Because I think your situation is perhaps more common than you realize. Merging pets — as with a lot of the things that come with moving in with partner — can be tricky to navigate.

You already did things right by talking about this before moving in together. So great work on that front! I’m glad you talked about your concerns with the cat ahead of time, and I’m glad there are already some solutions in place like not allowing the cat into the bedroom. If anyone else is reading this piece who might soon be a similar situation, DO WHAT THIS PERSON DID! Talk about it before you move in with someone. That’ll make it so much easier to have ongoing conversations.

So, on that topic, I know you probably see this coming, but you do have to talk about it again with your girlfriend. You can preface this by telling her you really are trying (it sounds like you are!) and that you’re grateful for the ways she’s already being accommodating about making you feel more comfortable in the house. But sometimes it takes a while to truly get used to new living situations, and sometimes it takes renegotiating compromises.

It sounds like you’ve made a genuine effort with the cat but things are still bothering you. So, now is the time to talk to your girlfriend about how you’re really feeling. This might be a very difficult conversation. Pet people tend to be intense about our pets. But I hope you can both approach the conversation from a place of mutual understanding and a desire to figure out ways to cohabitate with minimal friction — and when I say cohabitate I also mean you and the cat not just you and the girlfriend!

Some if not all of the things you outline do sound like they could be addressed in a conversation with your girlfriend. Let’s go through each one and see if there are possible solutions or compromises to try out!

I don’t like the way he climbs all over the furniture. This is a possibly solvable problem. While it can be difficult to train cats, sometimes people are actually the stubborn ones when it comes to training cats — not the cats themselves. It’s worth asking your girlfriend if she’s open to incentivizing the cat to no longer be on the furniture as much. Or maybe not to climb on particular pieces of furniture. If she agrees to it, then you can both test out some methods of enforcing new rules for the cat. Don’t spend a bunch of money on the sprays that are supposedly deterrents. Most of them are kind of scammy. You can Google all sorts of cat training tips and tricks. Focus on the ones that prioritize rewarding the cat rather than punishing; they’re usually more effective. We’re still in the process of trying to get our cat to stop scratching our couch, and so far the thing that has worked best has been moving a cat scratcher to right next to the couch and moving him to that any time he tries to scratch the couch. It has helped a lot. Again, while it can be difficult to change or redirect a cat’s behavior, it’s not impossible. And even if you can’t prevent the cat from being on any furniture, it’s possible there are some compromises here! Did you bring some of your own furniture into the space? Since that furniture is newer to the cat, it could be easier to make it off limits.

I won’t lie: It’s possible none of these things will work or at least not work perfectly. And it’s kind of up to you if it’s worth the hassle and time to even try. There’s only so much we can control pets, especially cats. But I think anything that might make you feel more comfortable in what is now your home too is worth at least trying.

I don’t like having to hide my stuff so he won’t scratch it. Yeah this one is definitely tough! Would love to hear if any cat owners have suggestions in the comments. I wonder if this speaks at all to any broader issues: Do you have places in the home that feel like yours? Do you feel like adequate space has been made to store your stuff? It can be hard to be the person moving into a partner’s space, and I hope you have things and areas that do feel like yours, which sometimes gets complicated when there’s a pet in the house since they tend to, well, treat the entire place like it belongs to them, especially cats.

I don’t like having a litter box in our living room. This is the one I actually feel most confident about coming up with a compromise for. Understandably, I do think litter boxes are one of the biggest sticking points when moving in with a cat when you’re not really a cat person. Is there any other room that would make you feel better for it to be located? For most cats, it’s pretty intuitive for their litter boxes to be moved. I’m not sure what kind of litter box your girlfriend currently has, but is it worth it to look into other options that reduce smell, dust, etc? There are self-cleaning ones and some that use alternatives to traditional litter. These higher end litter boxes get pricey, but it could still be worth trying out. I also have friends who got really creative with hiding their cat’s litter box: They bought a small cabinet from IKEA with a door (something like this), placed the litter box inside it, and cut a hole in the back of it so the cat could easily get in and made that back part face a wall with enough room for the cat to still maneuver into it. Then when they need to clean it, they open the door at the front, slide the box out, clean it, slide it back, and close the door. They did this so their dog wouldn’t be able to get into it, but it also doubles as a creative way to keep a litter box unseen in a home. The cabinet also lends an extra protective layer against smells.

I don’t like the creepy way he stares at me. This one, I gotta be real honest, is probably the least solvable one of the list 😭 cats do indeed just stare creepily sometimes. While I don’t see this as likely to change, I think it’s possible that if some of the other things on your list are addressed and your girlfriend works with you to reach compromises about the cat then it’s possible this won’t bother you as much as it currently does! This one might not be worth bringing up with your girlfriend since I don’t really see a way to shift it, and I think part of what will help with your girlfriend not getting stressed or overwhelmed is sticking to focusing on reasonable shifts that can be made. And I don’t say that to make you feel weird or like you’re being unreasonable! In fact, I’m confident from your letter to know you’ll understand why it probably isn’t reasonable to expect this one to change.

I think being open and honest with your girlfriend — if not sharing all of it — could lead to some further compromises which could in turn lead to a better relationship with the cat. I think it’s important to temper expectations. You might not fall in love overnight, so I like that you’re already striving for at least liking if not fully loving right away. It’s true that living with your girlfriend requires living with the cat, but loving your girlfriend doesn’t necessarily require loving the cat. It just requires making an effort, which you’re already in the process of doing. For what it’s worth, it sounds like you live with an easy-ish cat, so that’s good! If you don’t like cats, you don’t like cats. But you do like your girlfriend, and the cat comes with her. You can treat this as an ongoing process and open ended conversation. Letting things bottle up might make it so much worse.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

“Wait, Is This a Date?” Podcast Episode 204: Partner’s Pets

Whether you’re a dog gay, a cat gay, a snake gay, a ferret gay, or a will I ever find a lesbian who doesn’t have a pet gay, animals likely play a role in your dating life. Personally, there’s no better question someone can ask me before a first date than: Can I bring my dog?

But we know everyone doesn’t share this desire and so we had actor, writer, friend of mine, and friend of Autostraddle’s Brittani Nichols on to talk about her girlfriend’s dog and her girlfriend’s snake. We get into our histories with pets, our boundaries with partner’s pets, and B’s assertion that animals, like people, have their own personalities and should be taken on a case-by-case basis. Christina also bravely says that people should not kill their pets and I bravely say that snakes are maybe a bit sexy thanks to a certain pop star.

And before that we play another game connected to my Letterboxd! Christina challenges me to “Fix That Movie” — pronounced Fix! That! Movie! — where I have to explain how I’d fix movies I gave two or two and a half star ratings on Letterboxd. Do you like pets? Do you like movies? Well, what are you waiting for! Give us a listen!

• OR LISTEN EVERYWHERE YOU FIND PODCASTS
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SHOW NOTES

+ Once again, here is my Letterboxd.

+ The movies I “fixed” were Nine (2009), Catwoman (2004), The Lake House (2006), Being the Ricardos (2021), The Last Five Years (2014), The Eyes of Tammy Faye (2021)

+ B’s dog — excuse me — B’s girlfriend’s dog Shiloh:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CYLUY4kLTvq/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

+ The Kate Hudson movie I keep referencing is Raising Helen (2004).

+ A moment.

+ B’s crush of the week was the show Resident Alien.

+ Speaking of Cluny Brown, if I ever got two dogs at once I’d name them Cluny Brown and Miss Betty Cream but if I get one I’m sticking with Princess Cyd. Imagine a pit bull mix named Princess Cyd!

+ Florence Welch’s new album:

+ Watch Suicide Kale (2016) written and starring B and directed by Carly Usdin.

+ If you want more B, read this interview she did with Shelli about Abbott Elementary.

EPISODE

Brittani: And then now my current girlfriend has a dog and a snake.

Drew: Yes.

Brittani: Yeah. A snake.

Christina: Got to hear more about this. Got to talk about the snake.

[theme song plays]

Drew: Hi, I’m Drew.

Christina: I’m Christina.

Drew: And welcome to Wait, Is This a Date?

Christina: Wait, Is This a Date? is an Autostraddle podcast dedicated to the most important question of our times: Wait, is this a date?

Drew: It’s a question people are asking, I hear.

Christina: Yeah. The people are simply clamoring for an answer and we try to get closer and closer to having an answer every time we podcast together, I think.

Drew: I think so too.

Christina: Yeah.

Drew: I’m Drew Gregory. I’m a filmmaker and a writer for Autostraddle. I’m a queer woman, I’m a trans woman, and I’m excited to be here today.

Christina: That’s so thrilling. I’m Christina Tucker. I am also a writer at Autostraddle. I’m a podcaster, a writer of things other places. And I am also a queer woman. I’m black. I have new braids and I’m really loving, throwing them around a very dramatic woman that’s what I’m doing now. I’m identifying as a dramatic woman these days.

Drew: I think you should.

Christina: Which is really working for me.

Drew: Yes.

Christina: As usual, we have a little game to play.

Drew: I’m so excited.

Christina: This game that I have made for Drew is called Fix That Movie. These are movies that Drew has rated two to two and a half stars on Letterboxd. I am going to give Drew 30 seconds because Drew—

Drew: Oh God.

Christina: —as we know and love her, tends to get a little long-winded. So Drew’s going to have 30 seconds to pitch a fix for these films that she has rated exactly two and a half to two stars.

Drew: Great.

Christina: So that’s the game. I’m going to start a timer. And then I’m going to give you your first movie. Are you ready to play Fix That Movie?

Drew: Yeah.

Christina: And I have to say it like that every time.

Drew: Of course.

Christina: Okay. Your first film is the film, Nine. Start.

Drew: All the elements are there. So it’s actually, this is a tricky one, because it just should be better. I think maybe the musical Nine isn’t very good. So maybe write new songs?

Christina: Okay.

Drew: And cast a few people who are Broadway performers, not just movie stars, as much as I love all the movie stars in that cast.

Christina: And with 10 seconds to spare, you have fixed the movie Nine. Gorgeous.

Drew: Amazing.

Christina: Our next film, Catwoman from 2004. Go.

Drew: I mean, a new script? But also I obviously love Halle Berry as Catwoman. I think that’s a two and a half star on Letterboxd. I did think about making it higher. I enjoyed myself. I actually rewatched it recently, like five years ago. But yeah, anyways I would say probably a page one rewrite.

Christina: A page one rewrite. Gorgeous. Four seconds to spare. All right. Your next film is, The Lake House.

Drew: Oh, did I give it two and a half stars? That’s pretty brutal.

Christina: You gave it two and a half stars.

Drew: I don’t know. I mean, that feels like a movie where you want it to be two and a half stars. If you went to go see The Lake House with the premise that it has with Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves. You know what? This is going to be a— recast Sandra Bullock.

Christina: Oh, hot takes. I love it.

Drew: I don’t know who, because she does have good chemistry with Keanu, but I think there’s someone better for that part.

Christina: A recast. All right. All right. That’s brave and gorgeous. Okay. We’re going to get into some fun ones now. These are some newer films that I think provide a bit more of a challenge.

Drew: Great.

Christina: Your next film, Being the Ricardos.

Drew: Oh, God. I don’t know. Aaron Sorkin wrote it and directed it. This is tricky. Because I would say, you know what, I’m actually not going to say a new screenwriter because I think Aaron Sorkin is a fine screenwriter when he has a director who will bully him. That’s why The Social Network works. So unfortunately a male director who Aaron Sorkin would listen to and be bullied by. And I’m sorry, but no, Nicole Kidman love of my life. You cannot, that’s not your role. And Javier Bardem, not love of my life. Also not your role. So recast the two leads. Supporting cast is excellent. And get a new director.

Christina: And you only went six seconds over on that. And I think that’s gorgeous.

Drew: I know I can live with that.

Christina: I also think, just as a rule, someone to bully Aaron Sorkin is a great idea. Just for anything that he’s ever involved in. Beautiful. We have two more. Your next one, the film, The Last Five Years.

Drew: Oh God.

Christina: Fix! That! Movie!

Drew: Okay. You have to have a book, you have to write a book for it. It doesn’t work as a musical without a script. And then also Anna Kendrick does not work in that role because Cathy needs to have less onscreen power than the other guy, fucking Jamie. And so having a celebrity be Cathy and a not as famous person be Jamie does not work. But mainly it needs a book.

Christina: It needs a book. I think you’re right. And I think that is going to be brilliant. Your last film, this was a really chaos choice for me, but, The Eyes of Tammy Faye.

Drew: Okay. I mean, first of all, no fat suit. That’s a very easy way to make me bump it up a half star and be a little bit more generous towards it. I don’t know if I want to fix that movie like it’s just— honestly if you take out the fat suit, it can still be that cast. Jessica Chastain could still do that part looking like Jessica Chastain. And then I give it a three. I give it three stars. I don’t think that movie needs to be anything more. But I would say if you want to make a Tammy Faye movie that would be better than that, you would have to focus like most biopic type things on a very specific time in life. And that, I think, always makes for a better biopic.

Christina: I think that’s beautiful. And I think Drew, today you have fixed six movies.

Drew: That’s really beautiful.

Christina: Of a real wide breadth and depth of films and genres. And I think that’s really thrilling.

Drew: Yeah. There’s also such a big difference— Rating movies out of five stars, it’s tricky. And again, The Lake House being a… I think I was high for it. I had a great time watching The Lake House high.

Christina: Well, that was the other thing is I had to, as I was going through them, I was like okay, which ones do I know that Drew watched high? And like so I can’t pick Serenity.

Drew: Oh, Serenity is so bad. Being the Ricardos was such a much less pleasant experience than The Lake House. So don’t watch Being the Ricardos. Maybe watch The Lake House if you have enough drugs. That’s my final words.

Christina: And this is Drew’s reviews movie corner now.

Drew: Our main topic today is Partners’ Pets. And we have a very special guest. Very special guest, do you want to introduce yourself?

Brittani: Yes. Hello. My name is Brittani Nichols.

Christina: Hey.

Brittani: Do I say what I am?

Christina: You can say whatever you want.

Drew: Whatever that means to you.

Brittani: I am a television writer and actor. And Gemini.

Christina: Yeah.

Drew: Great.

Christina: Good to get the sign in. I do think we should request our guests to tell us their sign. I think that is something we should do.

Drew: They should. And as we record this, Gemini season has just ended and…

Christina: Just wrapped up.

Drew: It’s a bummer.

Christina: Unfortunately.

Drew: Yeah.

Brittani: Bummer, unfortunately. Yeah.

Christina: Yep. Here we are in Cancer season. Yay.

Drew: Brittani, first of all, I want to ask, what is your relationship to animals and to pets? Growing up as a kid, did you have pets? Do you like animals?

Brittani: As a child, did we have pets? We had fish for a period, but my little brothers would — one little brother Donnie — would put video tapes into the fish tank, which would kill the fish.

Christina: Now I have a couple of questions. Was this so they could watch the video? Was this so they could interact with the tape? Are we talking a full VHS? Because that’s big.

Brittani: Oh, yeah. It was a pretty— It wasn’t a super large tank. I would say it was three goldfish tanks, I would say of the stereotypical cartoon sized goldfish tank. No idea. I mean he was three.

Christina: Sure. So maybe he wasn’t also thinking super logically.

Brittani: Whenever he was not in eyesight, that tape was going in that tank.

Drew: I mean, it makes a good splash, I would imagine. So I get it.

Christina: See, I was imagining him lowering it down very dramatically and then creeping away.

Brittani: Yeah. It’s one of those images that is definitely burned into my memory from when I was a kid. We never had a dog. At times my mother would be dating someone who had a dog and that was fun. One of them I believe was eaten by a coyote we believe, because there was wilderness behind where we were staying.

Christina: Yeah. The wilderness will get you.

Brittani: Yeah, he would just let the dog go hang out. And then one day it just didn’t come back.

Christina: Yikes.

Drew: A bummer. Was it a small dog?

Brittani: Yeah. It wasn’t tiny. It was, I would say, a small, mid-sized dog named Timberland. Very cute.

Christina: That’s a great dog name. Wow.

Brittani: I think that’s about it.

Drew: What about you Christina?

Christina: There were animals around a lot. We had a dog when I was growing up that my father named Chakotay because he is a big Star Trek head.

Drew: I think there’s a word for Star Trek head.

Christina: Yeah. It’s Star Trek head, I said it. Like hello. He was not well-trained and he was pretty aggressive. So he was a bummer of a dog. And then we later had a dog named Maggie who was a very sweet German Shorthaired Pointer who was very dumb, and fell off our deck a lot, just accidentally. And I was like, babe, you got to work it out. But we were lackadaisical dog owners. They always showed up or someone needed a dog. And my mother couldn’t say no to re-homing said dog, but we were not passionate dog owners, I would not say. And my mother is addicted to finding outdoor cats who she feeds and then is surprised that they come back. Yeah. And they currently have two weird cats that my mother also could not say no to, because they were the last of the litter and their names are Shadowfax and Yoshi. And they’re very weird and scared of people.

Drew: That’s nice.

Christina: Just chill. Just chilling around the house. Not really passionate about our pets I’d say, at the Tucker household. What about you? I know your parents have dogs, Drew.

Drew: Yeah. Opposite. Very passionate about the dogs. I was always supposed to refer to our dogs as my siblings.

Christina: Okay.

Brittani: Oh, no.

Drew: Yeah. My mom is that kind of person. But I grew up loving dogs and we always had two. One would die — they were always a little off an age — one would die. We’d get a new one and then it would sort of… Like that. Yeah. Well we had to give away one of our dogs because she was biting people, but she loved me. So it was very hard because I was a kid and it was hard to… I remember a vet saying well, do you want your dog to bite one of your friends? It was pretty harsh. Because I think I was nine, but then we got—

Christina: Damn.

Drew: We got another dog and that dog was my love. And then my parents got two dogs that I don’t know as well, but my parents still are like, your brother. And I’m like, I don’t know about that. Maybe half brother or something at least, but—

Christina: My cousin really.

Drew: Yeah. Yeah.

Christina: Interesting.

Drew: But yeah, I love dogs and I’ve never had one of my own because they’re expensive and I move around a lot and I live in cities. But then Brittani, I feel like I know vaguely your history with dating people who have dogs and other animals, but I’ll let you tell that for yourself.

Brittani:
Well, I evaluate dogs and pretty much all animals on a case by case basis. So when people are like, are you a dog person or a cat person? I’m like, they have personalities. I got to see if we get along.

Christina: We got to do a vibe check.

Brittani: Exactly. So yeah. So I dated someone for a couple of years who did not have a dog while we were dating, but got a dog soon after. No, maybe a year after we dated or so. And I became very close to that dog. He’s named Bandit. Very cute. A real just anxious dog, but super chill. Then I dated someone who had two cats that I was deathly allergic to. I almost developed asthma. There’s an allergy induced asthma you can develop.

Christina: Yeah, you can. You can do that.

Brittani: And I was wheezing. I would wake up and I would be wheezing because it was so bad. And so that was one of a many tensions for the relationship was you need to vacuum your apartment so I don’t die.

Drew: Yeah.

Brittani: And then now, my current girlfriend has a dog and a snake.

Drew: Yes.

Christina: Yeah. A snake. Got to hear more about this. Got to talk about the snake. What’s its vibe? What’s its name? Does it pass the vibe check?

Brittani: Yes.

Christina: Awesome.

Brittani: So I think most people have not interacted with snakes much. When I was in sixth grade, I went to a camp where one of the big events was that they would put a snake around your neck and you would get to take a picture. So it was not my first encounter with a snake. His name is Yari, he was a rescue. He got washed away during some hurricane in Florida. And he was mailed to her as a baby.

Christina: Oh.

Drew: Sure.

Brittani: And he eats live rats. So seeing that for the first time, I have to say — well, not rats, let’s say mice, they’re small — was a lot. It was a lot to watch. I do not enjoy it. I understand the circle of life. However, I would rather not witness that particular aspect of it. And he’s pretty chill. He’s never nipped or anything at me. He will slide into my shirt and just hang out where it’s warm and dark. I would like him to be out I think more than her. I’ll pressure her like he’s been in his tank for too long like give him a night on the town.

Christina: You got to see the sights.

Brittani: He has gotten lost in our previous apartment a few times because she would not keep an eye on him and he would just slither to a little place. And then she would proceed to freak out. And I would say he’s in the apartment. There’s nothing to freak out about. We will find him eventually. And then I would always eventually find him in one or two days.

Drew: When you first started dating Cerise, at what point did you find out that she had a snake?

Brittani: Very soon into it.

Drew: Like the first date?

Brittani: When did I find out? Before we were official, for sure. Because she brought him to Dyke Day.

Christina: Fascinating.

Brittani: And that was one of the first times I think we saw each other in person. It wasn’t a date. We were just like, oh we’re both at Dyke Day. And she had the snake around her neck.

Christina: Here you are with a snake. Yeah.

Brittani: Yeah. And it was doing very well with the ladies, I will say.

Christina: Yeah.

Drew: Was it like, she’s a 10, but she has a snake? Or was it like, she’s a 10 and she has a snake, so she’s a 12? Was it a positive? Was it a green flag or red flag or a yellow flag?

Brittani: It was a neutral. Yeah. I really didn’t feel anything about it because I just didn’t know enough about snakes to have any sort of feelings about it. And honestly, it’s more positive than a dog because you really don’t have to do much.

Drew: That’s true.

Christina: I think that’s true. I also do think that’s interesting, because I feel people do have very strong opinions about snakes. I feel many people are hard pass on a snake. I find them to be very charming and cute. I don’t love the idea of one just freeform vibing for one or two days in my home while I don’t know where it is. That would cause me a bit of stress, I think personally. But if I know where you’re located, if I can go look at you, you can hang out my arm. You can snake around, but I just need you to stay where you be living. I don’t need you to be just hanging out unpredictably. That scares me a little bit.

Drew: As someone who has helped take care of this specific snake when you were out of town, I think the only challenge was the feeding. That was the only thing that like— I think I’m one of those terrible omnivores who doesn’t want to see the animal before it’s killed and eaten. But I do eat meat and I know it’s not an admirable quality, but it is a quality that I possess. And just, it was the ride home from the pet store. Once it’s in the tank with the snake, then it becomes a thing where I’m like, oh, I’m witnessing the circle of life. Now there’s another animal that I can personify and be like, oh, well you’re just eating your meal and how fascinating. But when we were just in the car and it was in the little box from PetSmart, that was definitely the biggest challenge. But I definitely am on snake is a positive. And also I’m sure you were relieved that Cerise isn’t a cat person.

Christina: Well, yeah.

Brittani: Oh, yes. Yeah. I don’t foresee myself dating someone with a cat ever again, should this not work out.

Drew: How long ago was it that you dated the person with the cat?

Brittani: Four years, five years? Something like that.

Christina: I mean, I do think we have to discuss queers and pets generally, because I do think there is a certain type of queer person that has an energy about pets writ large that I find what’s the word, exhausting. And God bless. I’m not a monster. I’m not going to be out here saying kill your animals. I think that’s insane. But there is a person who I’m like, do you perhaps care more about this animal than hmm I’d say, any marginalized person? Because that is a little stressful to me. And I think it’s fair to say that a lot of these queers tend to be white. And I just, I have a little bit, there’s always a little bit of hesitation. It’s not necessarily a red flag, but it would be a, okay, what’s going on with you and this animal? What’s happening here? What’s this investment emotionally? Talk to me about it. That’s my piece. I’ve said it.

Drew: Yeah.

Christina: Backing away.

Drew: That’s fair. I associate that also with a kiss on the mouth, tongue kiss, animal person. And that’s also, I would count that as a red flag. I don’t mind if someone really loves their pet.

Christina: Yeah. I think it’s probably better to really love your pets than be like, eh, whatever.

Drew: I do identify as, I guess, a dog person and a cat person. I really like animals, even though I eat them, not dogs and cats generally, but I really do love animals and I’ve never dated anyone who has one. And that’s a bummer. Yeah. I mean, famously, famously in the life of me, not to anyone else, after Gaby Dunn and I went on our first date, one of the things that made them be a little bit like, I don’t know, was that I didn’t react strong enough to Beans. And they’ve told me that. Afterwards, Mal was like, how was the date? And they were like, it was good. She didn’t seem that enthusiastic about Beans. Which is wild because I was so… I remember being totally, but it was a first date. I wasn’t going to spend more time talking to Beans than Gaby, but I should have, I guess. And I don’t know. I do love an animal, but it does go people, animals to me.

Brittani: Sure.

Christina: Yes.

Brittani: I also, I don’t get that, because I feel if I’m coming into an animal’s space, I want to be respectful. I’m a guest in your home. I’m going to wait for you to come up to me.

Christina: Exactly.

Drew: Yes.

Brittani: I don’t want to seem thirsty.

Drew: Right, exactly. Yes. I’ve also found that animals tend to like you more when you give them a little space and create sort of a calm environment. And then if they want to be all over you, then they can. But yeah. I remember Gaby told me that during the pandemic, when I was living with them and Mal and I was extremely single at the time and was having like… So I very much was I’m sleeping in the shed. The couple who I live with is in the main house. And I was like is my entire life been shaped by not being enthusiastic enough about people I’ve dated’s pets? Is that why I’m single? But no, I stand by my muted, yet enthused reaction to people’s pets.

Christina: I just love the idea of you being like, if I had loved that dog more, would I perhaps be allowed into the main home? Would I not live in a shed?

Drew: They were both joking about that. And I was like, I don’t this joke. I like a world where the two of you are just in a relationship and I’m your friend. I don’t like this world where destiny could have gone in a different direction if I was just a little bit more cheerful. But also Bean sleeps in their bed. And I don’t know, does Shiloh sleep in bed with you guys?

Brittani: Oh, she sure does.

Drew: Do you like that? Does it bother you?

Christina: See, I am pretty negative on animals in the bed with me. I don’t care for that.

Brittani: I don’t really. It’s not worth it to me.

Christina: I think dogs are a little easier to handle sleeping with than cats. We have two cats. They are not allowed in the bedrooms at night. And I have left my bedroom door cracked. And one of them will find their way into my bed at night. And what happens is that I wake up terrified because I think that I am being attacked by some sort of possum or something. I don’t immediately think, oh, there’s a cat in my room. I think some animal, wild animal has gotten in here to kill me. That’s where I immediately go upon waking. So I just think close that door, close that door. Also, you think you would get more of the bed than me? I’m a person, come on. You’re an animal. Get away from me. Shoo. Shoo.

Drew: Growing up, I always did have my dog sleep in bed with me. So I’m not against it on principle. I think I would prefer if the dog would sleep at the end of the bed rather than between me and my partner.

Christina: Sure.

Drew: But I don’t know. I’m also as a pet parent — and also if I was ever a parent, parent — I am a little bit of yeah, I don’t know, I’m a little bit of a pushover maybe. I’m just like what am I going to do? You have so much love and you want to just be here with me. What am I going to do? Not take that? That’s seems so harsh.

Christina: Unfortunately I would simply say, you need me too much. That’s horrible. We can’t have that.

Drew: Yeah. That just checks out for us.

Christina: Yeah. It really does.

Brittani: Well, I know I would be the one that would have to train it out of Shiloh and I just have no interest in taking that on. And she likes to sleep in between my legs or right behind my knees, which is also just your mom is right there. Why must you sleep on my person?

Drew: At what point in your relationship did Shiloh start doing that? That’s a really sweet, embracing of you as second parent.

Brittani: Yeah. I mean, I think she just sees me as the alpha of the home.

Drew: I see.

Brittani: And is being subservient.

Drew: I see.

Christina: Hey, they’re a pack creature. They know which side their bread’s buttered on.

Brittani: I’m trying to work on her confidence so she could be a bit more stable and just trusting of the relationship.

Drew: For sure.

Christina: I will say of all of my friends who have adopted dogs, found dogs, I’m always like, how do you guys find the most neurotic, anxious—? Perhaps it is a game recognize game situation. And everyone is just meeting a dog on their level. And I think that’s really gorgeous, but I’m just like, what if one person I knew had a dog who was just chill? Here to hang, here to vibe, but no, everybody is like, she’s a little anxious. She needs this, this, this. What is this? What are we doing to dogs? Why are they so stressed out? You’re a dog.

Brittani: Shiloh does not come across as anxious. Shiloh comes across as very friendly and wants to be around everyone. But she does still have those sort of anxious tendencies of if you’re gone for too long or you come back, and she gets too excited, but she’s also like, you’re the boss, then she will pee a little bit. She does that sort of stuff.

Christina: Sure.

Drew: I was going to say that I can relate, but then you said the pee a little bit and that part I’m going to have to stop at. But I’m a Leo rising, Taurus moon, Capricorn sun, earth sign at my core, anxiety disorder at my core. But I like to give an extrovert—

Christina: Performance?

Drew: Aura out in the world. Yeah. It’s a performance. I appreciate that about Shiloh. I do love Shiloh. I was like, oh, if was around Shiloh, I’d let Shiloh sleep in bed. What are you going to do? Say no to Shiloh? Shiloh’s so cute.

Brittani: She also got Shiloh by accident.

Drew: Oh, how so?

Brittani: She went with a friend to a shelter because the friend was thinking about getting a cat. And she was like, I don’t like cats, I’m going to go hang out with the dogs. Shiloh had a cherry eye which required surgery. And it was 50 bucks or something, not that much, but no one was adopting her because they would see her and be like, oh, what the fuck is happening over there? And so my girlfriend was like oh, I’ll just pay for the surgery so that this dog can get adopted. And so she paid for the surgery and then a few days later they called her like, your dog’s ready. And she was like, I’m sorry, what are you talking about?

Christina: That was a charitable donation.

Brittani: And they were like, the dog whose surgery you paid for. And she was like, oh, okay. And she had just had a breakup I’m pretty sure. I think she had like… Something was happening where she was like, I’m going to just embrace this gift from above.

Christina: Something I have learned is, it’s never a good idea to go to a shelter because you will end up with an animal almost.

Drew: Or a great idea.

Christina: Sure. I mean, for me, the way my life is set up, I simply cannot—

Drew: Yeah. I know.

Christina: —fathom having to also be responsible. I’m responsible for me and my two adult children. I cannot be responsible for an animal at this time in my life, certainly not a dog. The cats are fine.

Drew: Yeah. I mean, sort of the way that I would love to have human children, what’s that Kate Hudson movie? I would love to just have them dropped on me like, oh, I have to do this responsibility. I can’t logically get a dog right now. It doesn’t make financial sense. It doesn’t make life sense, but I want one so bad. And the other day, Elise and I were at lunch and there was this pitbull mix tied up outside the restaurant and was whining like a human. It was so eerie and weird. And I was like if by the time we finish lunch, no one has come back for this dog, this is my dog. This weird dog that yells like a person is going to be my dog and I’m going to love them dearly. Three minutes later, their owner came out with takeout. So that dog is not my dog, but I would love to have responsibility dropped in my lap.

Christina: Yeah. And there is our difference. I would see that dog at a restaurant, I’d say, I hope your day gets better dog. And then I would simply move on with my day, and hope that it did the same. And be glad that its owner returned.

Drew: Christina, have you dated anyone who has a pet?

Christina: My gut is like, no, but I feel like that’s wrong, but no, I think it is true. I don’t think I have dated someone who has a pet.

Drew: Yeah. I don’t think I have either which is…

Christina: How is that possible?

Drew: Again, I’ve gone on dates with people who have their pets with them even, and I’ve not reacted properly, but I’ve never been in a long term relationship with someone who has a pet and that’s the real—

Brittani: Wow.

Drew: That’s a bummer.

Christina: B’s like, how have you done that?

Brittani: That’s the way to go.

Drew: I think I have the energy of someone who would be the one to bring the pet into the relationship.

Brittani: Right.

Drew: That’s how I’ll know I’ve made it. My girlfriend’s like, when I can buy a house, and I’m like, when I can buy a dog. And obviously it’s nicer to have a backyard for your dog. And if you have a house, maybe you have a backyard and those different things go great together. Basically I’m saying is I’d love to have a lot more money. But I want a dog so badly.

Christina: Well, that was going to be my other question was in your future relationship, does an animal figure in at some point?

Drew: Oh, yeah.

Christina: Because I feel like I can go either way. Like, sure, but not necessary.

Drew: No. That’s a real life landmark that I’m very committed to hitting. The problem is that I tend to like bigger dogs.

Christina: I love big dogs.

Drew: And that’s harder for life. And especially, I don’t know where I’m working ever. I don’t know where I’m living ever. It’s one thing to bring a Chihuahua with you to different cities or to set. It’s a different thing to bring, I love a pitbull mix. But not even mixed like a corgi, so they look like a little mini pitbull. I like a pitbull mixed with an Australian shepherd or something. I just love a weird little mutt dog that just is out there living life. Sometimes it’s a personality thing. Some smaller dogs have, like I feel this way about Shiloh. Shiloh has a personality. But I think sometimes smaller dogs feel more when you get a hamster. And a bigger dog often feels more like, oh, this is my pal. And I want a pal.

Christina: I like that you’re just looking for your YA fantasy, moment. You just want to be the hot girl who has her dog and they’re pals and they’re running around.

Drew: I also grew up with bigger dogs. So I always grew up with some sort of very suburban, a lab or a spaniel so. And spaniels are medium-sized. But yeah.

Christina: I like giant dogs because I like that they have the same energy as I do, which is, they simply would like to be lying down at all times and are like, eh, I don’t really need to go outside because that is also how I feel.

Drew: I think of bigger dogs as they need to run all the time. That’s also a reason why it would be harder to have a big dog. I mean, I guess it depends on the dog, but I I used to run half marathons with my spaniel.

Brittani: Oh, wow.

Christina: Yeah. Well those little medium dogs definitely need to take a run, but you get a Bernice, they’re trying to lie down. That dog is trying to lie the hell down.

Drew: Yeah. That’s fair. Brittani, when you’ve been in relationships with people who have dogs, how soon does the responsibility of taking care of the dog fall on you? Or do you embrace that responsibility?

Christina: As the pack leader, do you embrace that responsibility?

Brittani: Oh, I am still very clear about my boundaries as far as it comes to taking care of the dog. I am like, this is not my dog. This is your dog. You walk this dog, you feed this dog. When I do those things, I am being kind. And it is a favor.

Drew: Even with Shiloh still??

Brittani: Yeah.

Christina: Iconic.

Drew: Wow. I love it.

Brittani: When Cerise is gone, obviously I very much am very bothered if I ever think Shiloh is in any distress, so I wouldn’t be like, oh, she’s not going to be home until 9:00. I’m just going to let you wait until 9:00 to have your walk and your food. I will do it, but I am like, when you get home, please say, thank you because this is not how I want to live my life. And also, I paid for Shiloh to have a professional trainer because it truly was impacting the relationship. And I was losing my mind whenever she would… I mean, she just was annoying as hell. Shiloh used to be so fucking annoying. After our first day when we went home together — because that’s how I get down — Shiloh was jumping up and down behind this gate that went into the bedroom for two hours, just nonstop. This jumping, jumping, jumping, jumping. So whenever I would look over, I just see this fucking dog, like a little pogo stick.

Christina: I would find that quite distracting.

Brittani: And I honestly was like, I don’t know if I want to go on another date because if this is this dog’s energy, I simply cannot deal with it in my life. And so yeah. Getting Shiloh to behave better has been a real boon to how we get along.

Christina: Yeah. I would imagine.

Drew: That is a thing that I’ve… Thinking about dating experiences, not in serious relationships, but just like out in the big wide world of dating, there are dogs that are major cock blocks where you’re like, get out of this bed. I do feel like there is a dog that did maybe prevent a threesome of mine. In retrospect, it was the right… The dog was doing the right thing. But in the moment I was like, why, get out of here. Why are you here? You’re killing the vibe. And I do feel like there’s been other times where I’ve been like, is this dog going to be… Part of the boundaries of, I don’t know, dogs are dirty. I love dogs so much, but I don’t want someone petting a dog and then putting that finger inside me. I don’t want that. So I do need a dog to, even if the dog’s sleeping in bed, they have to understand that there are times where their owners are in bed and it’s not for sleeping, and they need to be away.

Christina: Yeah. I think drawing a line at the dog being in bed while we’re having sex is a very fair line to draw. I feel as though you felt uncertain that you could say that, but I think say it loud and proud, Drew.

Drew: Thank you.

Christina: No dog in bed during sex. Honestly, no cat either. No animal. No snakes.

Drew: No pets in general.

Christina: I don’t want the snake showing up. I’m telling you that. I’m telling you that right now.

Drew: I do think because of Britney Spears, there is a part of me that thinks snakes are sexier than dogs, but I still don’t… I do agree with you. No snake involved, but there is something about a snake. The snake feels less, they also don’t have fur. So I don’t know why that feels cleaner. Maybe as someone who lives with a snake, you would know that snakes aren’t cleaner. But for some reason, I have this cultural association of snakes being sleek and sexy. I still don’t want them involved.

Christina: I was going to say, Drew, you are walking the line.

Brittani: And a snake does not want to be involved.

Drew: Look, it’s not my fault. It’s Britney Spears’ fault.

Christina: Well, and that’s that, I guess. It’s a wrap on that.

Drew: Let’s move to our final segment, which is Crush Corner. Christina, do you want to start us off this week?

Christina: I need a second to decide. So what if you started us off this week.

Drew: I’m going to let our guest start off this week.

Christina: Oh, fun. Switching it up.

Brittani: All right. Well, my crush is this show called Resident Alien, which I just found out about last week, and I’m watching it with my girlfriend and I’m just having a real blast.

Drew: Where can one watch this show?

Brittani: We’ve been watching it on Peacock. But I think it comes on Syfy? That’s a channel, right?

Christina: I think it’s Syfy, yeah.

Drew: Yeah. Tell me more about this show.

Brittani: It’s just a show about an alien that crash lands in Patience, Colorado, I believe, with the mission to kill all humans. And he ends up taking over this doctor’s body and someone in town dies and then he’s helping solve the mystery of who killed this doctor. And it’s Alan Tudyk, I think is his name, notably the pirate from Dodgeball. I think it’s his claim to fame and it’s just delightful. It’s just a fun little show. Funny, cute. I like it.

Drew: Cool. Great. My crush this week is Jennifer Jones, the actress from the forties. Specifically in Cluny Brown, which is one of my favorite screwball comedies. I just rewatched it with my girlfriend, because she hadn’t seen it before. She has not seen a lot of old movies, which is a lot of fun, because I get to show all my favorites. And Cluny Brown is just an incredible movie and I highly recommend it. And Jennifer Jones is just so beautiful and charming in it.

Christina: I love that my crush this week, I’m going to go classic. I’m going to bring it to my girl who’s held me down through many years. My good queen, Florence Welch. I have been banging that album, having feelings like I am in 2010 all over again. I love her spooky witch ways. And I think she’s a real talent and a real treat. And I’m glad that she’s sober and seems to be really working that out. And this new album is emotional in that way, but also just gorgeous. And she’s just happy to holler on a track with her little spooky witch voice. And I think it’s lovely and I love her. I love that. Yeah.

Drew: Great. Well, Brittani, do you want to tell people where they can find you and your work?

Brittani: Yeah. I am at @bishilarious on Twitter and Instagram. If you’ve never seen the film, Suicide Kale, I’d encourage you to check that out. And I’m currently running for Abbott Elementary and we will be premiering on September 21st, the second season. And the first season’s on Hulu.

https://twitter.com/BisHilarious/status/1486456339949752322

Christina: Yeah. Abbott Elementary. Heard of it people? Get involved.

Drew: Thanks, Brittani.

Brittani: Yeah. Thanks for having me.

Drew: Yeah, of course.

Christina: Thanks so much for chatting with us about animals. I’ve learned so much about snakes.

Drew: Yeah.

Brittani: You should get one.

Christina: There was a period in my most obnoxious “I’m not like other girls” phase where I was like I’m going to get a snake. And then I was like, grow up. Just stop acting like that. Come on. Nobody likes that energy on you.

Drew: You know what, and clearly that’s not necessarily true. So you could get a snake. I mean, I don’t think you should get a snake because of that energy, but I do think you could embrace a different sort of snake energy and it’d be a good one.

Christina: Yes. I think having a snake now that I am the proper lesbian that I clearly was always meant to be, as opposed to pretending to be straight and being like, I’m going to have a snake that would have be awful, but this is fine. I think now it would be much better.

Brittani: Yeah. You should make snake lesbian a thing. That could become its own personality type.

Drew: Thank you so much for listening to, Wait, Is This A Date. You can find us on Twitter and Instagram at waitisthisadate. And you can email us at waitisthisadate@gmail.com.

Christina: Our theme was written by Lauren Klein. Our logo is by Manya Dahr, and this podcast was produced, edited and mixed by Lauren Klein.

Drew: You can find me on Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok at draw_gregory.

Christina: You can find me on Twitter at c_gracet and on Instagram at christina_gracet. And you can find Autostraddle of course, at Autostraddle.

Drew: And you can find Autostraddle at autostraddle.com. The reason we’re all here today. Thank you so much and see you next week. Christina, what is the difference between a date and a podcast?

Christina: Oh, actually, that’s really interesting that you asked that because scientists are at this very moment hurriedly trying to figure this out. We have some of our best scholars on this. On the case here, we don’t have an answer, but I think every day we journey closer to understanding.

Drew: I wish them, and us, the greatest luck.

Drew (voice memo): Trumpet the bloodhound just won the dog show. And can you imagine dating someone who not only had a dog and loved their dog, but had a dog that won the dog show? That’d probably be a nightmare. But there’d be some prestige.

Give It Time, Delphine

My mom was afraid of spiders. So much so that she would scream every time she saw one and beg for it to be killed. Before I cut her out of my life, one year while I was in college, a girl came running out of the shower to exclaim there was a huge spider in the stall. Knowing my role, I stepped in and squashed it beneath my foot. I texted my mom to tell her, thinking it might raise some sweetness, some tenderness for me in her.

Sometime in 2015, my relationship to spiders changed. My relationship with most living things changed. I stopped viewing spiders as something to fear and, instead, found them fascinating. I marveled at the orb weavers I saw out on my front porch or in front of my window at work. I started doing research on the different species and learning about those most commonly found in my region. I started making plans in 2018 to get my own tarantula and, in 2019, I got my first one.

Most of what we have learned about the animals we fear can be debunked. Even one of the most feared spiders in the world, the brown recluse, isn’t “deadly” the way we think it is. Most brown recluse bites can get treated with a quick doctor’s visit to confirm and rest at home. The necrotic reaction we’ve come to associate with them is rare, though not impossible.

Tarantulas, because they are like bigger versions of the house spiders, are often feared for their huge fangs and assumed deadly venom. What most tarantula experts will tell you is that the bite is comparable to a bee sting: If you’re allergic to bees, you might be in trouble, but everyone else can walk away with redness, itchiness, or numbness at the site of the bite.

I did all this research before getting my first tarantula, Della, who died seven months after I got him. My second tarantula, Delphine, was sold to me as a female just as Della was, then, after a molt, I found out Delphine was male too.

Delphine was of the species Aphonopelma Chalcodes, or Arizona Blonde. Native to the US, these tarantulas are considered some of the most docile of the species and are popular first tarantulas for many in the hobby. I named this tarantula Delphine Sade because, on the first glimpse of him, I saw a little rose color in his carapace, and when I see the color pink in nature I think of Sade’s “Kiss of Life.”

“Look at the sky, it’s the color of love.”

My first year with Delphine was blissful. I was always watching him: spinning webs, eating worms, cleaning his fangs. I took pictures and added them to his own private Instagram account so that my followers who were afraid didn’t have to see him. Delphine was as docile as they come and so beautiful. When he molted into his mature male self, I was disappointed, because I knew death wasn’t far off. But I still kept up my enthusiastic care of him, only feeding him worms fed with the best vegetable scraps and giving him bottled spring water.
It is not a stretch to say I loved Delphine, so when I had to euthanize him, it broke my heart. All I wanted was for him to have the best life, the best care. I was in the process of finding him a new home because I would be moving soon. He was weak at the end and didn’t put up a fight. There’s a lot online and on arachnoboards about the ethics of euthanizing a tarantula, best methods, whether you should just let them die naturally, etc. I went with what I thought was the most humane and preserved him after he had passed.

Tarantulas have brains, but not like the brains of other animals and humans. The tarantula brain is a central nervous system of ganglia whose role is to perceive and detect sensual stimulations from the environment. This allows them to detect movement around their body, on their webs at the opening of their hides in nature. A tarantula in the wild will live in the same hole as long as it can. By lining the outside with web, they can feel prey walking or flying past and grab the insect before it knows what happened. Not every tarantula is a heavy web maker though, so they rely on feeling the vibrations from the ground as their prey moves about.

Tarantulas lead a simple life: eat, clean, mate, repeat. Because of the simplicity of their brain structure, they do not create bonds with the humans that keep them. They do not love or show affection the way a dog will. Keeping a tarantula that I loved seems trivial when I tell you this fact, that my pet never once knew I existed. That I never held him for his own safety. You are probably wondering how love happens in an environment like this one.

I don’t remember my mom’s response when I texted her the story about killing the spider for a random girl in college, I wish I did. I wish she had said something that summed up our relationship cleanly, but she didn’t. I can tell you I loved my mom even when she called me worthless or stupid. I loved her when she hit me and made me feel frightened and small. bell hooks wrote that love and abuse cannot coexist, so I’ve learned in my adult life that there may have been care for me in my childhood home, but there was no love. My mom may have wanted the best for me, but she didn’t know how to love me.

How do you love something that does not love you back, that cannot?

Six months into my relationship with my ex, they told me the first time they told me they loved me they lied. I didn’t know what to say. I tried to turn the love I had for them off like a faucet but, even in that moment of hurt, there was still a steady leak.

They tell you not to handle your tarantulas because their abdomens are like balloons, and if they drop, they pop. This is certain death for a tarantula. They are pretty nimble and can fall on their feet in the wild, but improper handling by a human above a hard floor is a recipe for disaster. You can, of course, handle a tarantula safely. If you have to transfer them into new homes, you might have to handle them a little. They can be lightning-fast depending on their size and species, so it’s best to just not risk it.

So I watched Delphine in amazement as he took down worms or even beetles. I tried to feed him once a week and only prey smaller than him, things that were easy for me to maintain and easy for him to overpower. When he became a mature male, I watched him grow restless in search of a female, making sperm webs in the corner of his enclosure. When he died, I carefully put his body into a glass jar with some flowers and filled it up with alcohol to preserve him. I wanted him to rest surrounded by beauty.

When I first brought him home, he was small and underfed, which isn’t uncommon when you pick up a tarantula at a reptile expo. I fed him the next day and whispered words of encouragement when the worm tried to get away from him. I shared pictures of him enthusiastically until he started to slow down and age. I had Delphine for almost three years. During that time, I had grown attached to the weekly feedings, the daily progress reports, and updates on his behaviors. I loved being the weird woman with the tarantula, I loved educating people about them and the myths surrounding them.

I made Delphine a special playlist that was mostly for me. Songs that reminded me of him and his quirky behaviors, his daunting and delicate frame. The song “Delphine” by Kadhja Bonet came to mind, and I’m listening to it as I write this. The song sounds haunting but is patient and tender. It encapsulates everything I felt about keeping tarantulas. The song is about who we love and what we do when that love isn’t reciprocated or is lost.

The truth is, I have loved and cared for so many people that have not loved or cared for me. That made it easy to love Delphine, to be shown nothing but indifference and still fawn over his coloration and what I perceived to be his gentle nature. Before Delphine died, I was thinking of getting another pet, one that had a bit more of a warm reception, but I decided against it. I didn’t want to be that kind of person who reveled in a false sense of love and warmth. Delphine’s blankness and disregard of me were true, true to his nature, and true to what I’ve known. Animals like cats and dogs may look like they love you, but can they truly, is that love real?

After having two pets die on me, I’ve decided to not get another tarantula until I’m settled after my move. I also need some time to recover from Delphine, losing him the way I did. In the meantime, maybe I’ll learn something new about love, how I want to love and be loved, and what it looks like to realize love in my life. I have tattoos of spiders, so I’ll still be the weird tarantula woman. I’ll still hold all the knowledge I have of them and share it when I can.

To really love anything, I think, is to run the risk of it not loving you back. I’ve learned that over the years. It’s a risk I’m willing to take. When I’m met with love back, it feels immeasurable. When I’m not, I feel like I’ve only been made more compassionate, the way Delphine taught me to have compassion for all small things.

Six Outfits You Can Buy to Match Your Dog

Dogs: We love them. They’re the cute little guys who live in our homes and in our hearts. They’re companions, they’re cheerleaders, they’re family. They’re also gay! Sally has definitively proved that having dogs is a time-honored lesbian pastime.

You know what else is gay? Matching. We’ve all heard of the lesbian twinning phenomenon, where we end up matching our partners, or even our dates — I showed up to a first date in 2014 and we were both wearing Old Navy v-necks over tank tops, jeans and Converse — and now it’s time to start matching our pets as well! Because what’s cuter than a dog in a vacation shirt? A dog AND their queer person in vacation shirts, that’s what!

There are so many more options out there than there used to be for matching your wardrobe to your dog’s. Most of the outfits below include apparel that has been made specifically for dogs, but I’ve also discovered that Milo fits perfectly into toddler-sized shirts.

Most adult clothing in this guide is sized through 4X.

Old Navy Family Camp Shirts in Orange You Glad

A: Printed Short-Sleeve Camp Shirt ($22) // B: Short-Sleeve Printed Linen-Blend Camp Shirt for Toddlers ($14)

Old Navy has a ton of family matching happening this summer, and there are so many amazing prints available! Orange You Glad is my very favorite. It looks good on literally everyone and it reminds me of Our Flag Means Death! My 19-pound dog fits happily into a 12-18 month toddler button-up.

Old Navy Pride Collection: Love Out Loud

A: Jersey-Knit T-Shirt for Pets ($6) // B: Printed Canvas Tote Bag ($7)

Honestly thought this print said Live Out Loud for a moment, but I love it even more now that I know it’s Love! I feel like this matching Pride set works especially well if you have a dog who will willingly fit INSIDE the tote bag, like for riding the subway to pride parties. Live! Love! Laugh out loud!

Old Navy Family Camp Shirts in Yes Toucan

A: Printed Short-Sleeve Camp Shirt ($32.99) // B: Matching Print Resort Shirt for Pets ($12)

This dog is absolutely living their best vacation life, and you can too! (You can toucan? I’m sorry.) This is the shirt you wear when the sand is white, the ocean is aqua blue, and your vacation package comes with unlimited beverages. Cheers!

Target Pride Collection: Welcome Everyone

A: Pride Adult Everyone Hoodie  ($25) // B: Welcome Everyone Pride Dog and Cat Tutu Skirt and Cropped Tank Top ($10) // C: Pride Toddler Everyone Short Sleeve Round Neck T-Shirt ($8)

This Pride collection has dog AND cat representation, which is very inclusive! Do cats tolerate crop tops? Time will tell! Everyone is welcome at Target.

Target Family Pajamas: Rainbow Stripe

A: Women’s Striped Matching Family Pajama Set ($20) // B: Pet Striped Matching Family Pajama Bandana ($5) // C: Men’s Striped Matching Family Pajama Set ($20)

I absolutely love soft pajamas, and I want these so much! They look perfect for bed or for taking a work-from-home break to walk Milo to the mailbox. We’ll be the envy of the neighborhood. “Are those the–” “The Target family striped pajamas in rainbow? Yeah, they are!”

MeUndies Hoodies, Bralettes, Undies and BuddyBands

A: Dog Hoodie ($28) // B: FeelFree Triangle Bralette ($34) // C: FeelFree High-Waisted Cheeky ($20) // D: BuddyBands™ Bandana ($14)

My underwear drawer is literally overflowing with soft undies in fun prints from Me Undies, but I did not know until today that they also make hoodies and bandanas for pets! Their prints rotate all the time, but here’s one of my favorites. Breakfast is served!

These Miniature Snails Are the Small Pocket of Joy You Really Need

Feature image via aleia on Instagram

I’m prepared with an entire thesis about why snails are queer culture. They’re kinda slimy and traditionally straight people aren’t into them, for one. They’re underestimated, for two. They carry their houses on their back, which would be so helpful for gays — who famously cannot drive or pack light to save our lives.

But it comes down to this: there’s a snail in this post that will sleep on a perfectly recreated mini-bed made out of a Belgian waffle. Either you’re into that or you’re not (and you should be).

I was first introduced to the aleia Instagram account by Autostraddle’s A+ and Fundraiser Director, Nicole, who brought it up during a team meeting. And I’m pretty sure they first learned about it from their girlfriend? (what did I say? queer culture.) Within minutes the entire Autostraddle senior staff had all stopped what we were doing ooooh over virtual snails that we didn’t know as they went on teeny tiny fake dates and slept in the most perfect, tiny, fake houses. I joked “oh when we next have a hole in the in schedule, I’m writing about snails!!” Everyone laughed but I was dead serious, and friends, today is that day.

It turns out, I’m not alone! The work of Aleia Murawski and Sam Copeland  — the artists behind legit surprisingly gorgeous snail photography and accompanying Instagram account — have been featured in the New York Times three times since January! Once to demonstrate climate change, once to.. ugh… sell miniatures of supermarket brands (?), and once to talk about the secrets of getting snails to pose for photos (it’s cucumbers!). If you follow their Instagram, you’ll also see more BTS peaks for those of yall who are into that sort of thing. They also sell books, prints of their work, and are rescuing a very cute dog!

Now! Onward! SNAILS!!

Elder snails walking in the sunset!!

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I don’t know bud, I think you have to listen to this snail play a miniature piano. I think you just have to do it.

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A snail on a motorcycle in the desert! Does the peace and relaxation not just wash right over you??

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For all my goth gays, a full(tiny)-scale recreation of Scream. How is something so horrifyingly adorable?

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No, but a pet snail!!! With its own pet hamster!!! 

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I simply want to discuss how they turned a waffle into this snail’s bed. I want us all consider how soft and delicious a Belgian waffle mattress would be. Tell me that’s not heaven. I dare you to try.

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Just a snail in a heart-shaped bathtub, looking for love in all the wrong places…

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… But I think we can level up on our heart-shaped objects. For example, nothing quite says romance like a miniature pick up truck with a heart-shaped cargo bed filled with comforting ramen.

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And finally, BIRTHDAY SNAILS! 🎂

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I hope this ridiculous boost of serotonin has made your day!

If you want another shot of that sweet sweet snail sunshine — don’t forget to follow aleia on Instagram (yall I promise they didn’t sponsor this post, I’m just very gay for snails!)

Bury Your Dogs: 37 Dog Characters Who Died In TV and Film, and How

It is true that death will one day come for us all and for us dogs, and that death generally lands at our doorsteps more quickly than it does for our human companions. But when we are simply watching a film, or perhaps attempting to eat a jigsaw puzzle or obtain physical affection while a movie plays in the living room, it is especially difficult to understand why we must witness the death of dogs?????? Historically this website has been a great fight against the murder of lesbian and bisexual characters in television but today would like to re-focus our attention away from the LGBTQIA+ community and towards my community, which is dogs (even though I prefer the company of LGBTQIA+ people to the company of dogs but I will save my internalized dogophobia for my therapist).

AHEM. The history of canine representation on television and film is long — in the late 19th century and early 20th century, aka “the era of the incidental dog” we simply lounged in the background and were not told what to do. Beginning in the 1920s, dogs finally found themselves in the spotlight, such as the famed Rin-tin-tin, who appeared in 23 films and pulled in big money for the studios. We eventually became adorable props, delightful matchmakers, comedic pals and adventure friends. As a chihuhua, I tend to pop up in films about wealthy people in Los Angeles. This makes me confused about my own life, because I live in Los Angeles and yet……… where is…… the wealth????!!?!?

However, we still do not see ourselves onscreen nearly as often as I see dogs when I am attempting to walk around outside, pretending that I am in fact the only dog in the entire world. That is why it is all the more tragic that, as The Guardian noted in 2015, we are experiencing an epidemic of “onscreen mistreatment of cute-as-a-button little pooches.” Especially in horror movies, dogs are killed off brutally and graphically in a way that is both unnecessary and unpleasant.

Is it true that dogs die in real life??? It is. But also, lesbians have full sex in real life and how often do we get to see that on the big screen???

My parent Riese wants me to say that as she was helping me construct this post, it for some reason felt more brutal than the dead lesbian characters post and she realized it was because we know the actors who play lesbian characters so it’s easy to separate actor from character but we don’t really know these dogs outside of their screen presences, you know what I mean? So instead of getting a normal amount of sleep, she decided to include the name of the doggie actor wherever she could find it!

**SPOILER ALERT FOR MOVIES AND TV SHOWS WHERE DOGS DIE**

Old Yeller (Spike) in Old Yeller, 1957

Cause of Death: Shot after being exposed to rabies

“This movie ruined my life”
– Riese, CEO of Autostraddle.com

Old Dan & Little Ann in Where The Red Fern Grows, 1974

Cause of Death: Old Dan dies in a fight with a mountain lion and then Little Ann loses her will to live and dies on his grave

I feel close to Little Ann in this movie because I would also die on my best friend (riese)’s grave!!!!

Dinky (Popeye) in National Lampoon’s Vacation, 1983

Cause of Death: Family forgets to untie him from the bumper before leaving a rest stop?? COME ON GUYS

Zowie in Pet Semetary 2, 1992

Cause of Death: Shot by his owner’s sadistic step-father and then becomes a zombie

it looks like he’s already a zombie here, sorry

Hooch (Beasley) in Turner & Hooch, 1989

Cause of Death: Takes a bullet for his owner

Credit: Moviestore/Shutterstock // Copyright: Copyright (c) 1989 Shutterstock

Tom Hanks has said that this movie would have done better if the dog had not died!!!! I HAVE TO SAY I AGREE

Charlie in All Dogs Go To Heaven, 1989

Cause of Death: Murdered by another dog but conned his way back to earth, then drowned to save Ann-Marie

The title of this movie is also a content warning, so thank you???

Two Socks (Buck & Teddy) in Dances With Wolves, 1990

Cause of Death: Shot by the Union soldiers who were arresting his owner

Kaiser (Banner) in Fear, 1994

Cause of Death: Beheaded

Skip (Moose & Enzo) in My Dog Skip, 2000

Cause of Death: Old Age

Buckley the Beagle (Reba & Cooper) in The Royal Tenenbaums, 2001

Cause of Death: Run over by a car

via bfi

Wes Anderson has it out for us dogs!!!!

Harry (Red) in The Amityville Horror, 2005

Cause of Death: Killed by its owner with an axe

via moviepaws

This death is particularly egregious because not only did the dog not die in the 1979 version of The Amityville Horror, also, the dog didn’t die in the story upon which the films were based!!

Akita-Evita in Rent, 2005

Cause of Death: Swan dove into the courtyard of the Gracie Mews

[not pictured]

Doc in “Grey’s Anatomy” Season Three, 2006

Cause of Death: Put down after brain cancer diagnosis

Old Jack (Apache & Buck) and Dewey (Floyd & Ryan) in Eight Below, 2006

Cause of Death: After being caught in a storm in Antarctica waiting for their rescuers to return from saving the humans, Old Jack is too weak from starvation to join his pack when they set out to kill gulls for food so they have to leave him behind and he died. Then Dewey dies after slipping and falling down an incline. But six dogs live!

Sounder I in “The L Word” Season Four, 2007

Cause of Death: Euthanized by Jenny, who had just adopted him knowing he was near-death so that she’d have a reason to make an appointment with a veterinarian named Lindsay who she wanted to seduce because Lindsay was dating a girl who had given Jenny’s book a negative review

Sam (Abbey & Kona) in I Am Legend, 2007

Cause of Death: Protects her owner from a zombie attack but is bitten by zombies so her owner has to kill her before she too becomes a zombie

Marley (Jonah, Rudy & Clyde) in Marley & Me, 2008

Cause of Death: Put down because he was sick

Hachi (Chico, Layla, and Forrest) in Hachi: a Dog’s Tale (2009)

Cause of Death: Dies waiting for his owner at the train station (his owner doesn’t show up at the train station because he died of a heart attack)

Lady (Zunni) in “Game of Thrones” Season One, 2011

Cause of Death: Given a merciful execution after it was demanded she be killed instead of her sister due to some kind of idk I didn’t see the show

Snoopy (Bella) in Moonrise Kingdom, 2012

Cause of death: Arrow through the neck

via bfi

Again I must ask Wes Anderson: who hurt you and was it a dog?????

Sadie (Dusty) in The Conjuring (2013)

Cause of Death: Unknown, but implied that it was killed by the evil spirits that are haunting the house

Volta in “Degrassi: The Next Generation” Season 12, 2014

Cause of Death: Run over by her owner’s father

Degrassi goes there???

Isis (Ellie) in “Downton Abbey” Season 5, 2014

Cause of Death: Cancer

Bugsy (Hachi) in The Babadook, 2014

Cause of Death: Choked by his possessed Mom because he wouldn’t stop barking

Daisy (Andy) in John Wick, 2014

Cause of Death: Killed during a home invasion

Bob (Jaro) in The Lobster, 2015

Cause of Death: Kicked/beaten to death

Wiener-Dog in Weiner-Dog, 2016

Cause of Death: Run over by several cars

You can avoid this incident by watching the whole movie and then when there are ten minutes left in the movie, just turn off the movie and go to Wendy’s and get me some chicken nuggets.

Summer (Odin) in “Game of Thrones” Season 6, 2016

Cause of Death: Stayed behind to attack the wights in order to save their master’s life so he could be in the Great War (sorry again i did not see the show because there was too much overall violence but this sounds like a sad death!)

Stanley (Mikey) in It Comes at Night, 2017

Cause of Death: Runs away, gets infected, comes home and is shot to end his misery

Gyp (Ferne) in The Little Stranger, 2018

Cause of Death: Put down after it is haunted into biting a girl’s face

via moviepaws

Everybody needs to stop haunting and infecting dogs, we are innocent

Lil Puma in Game Over, Man!, 2018

Cause of Death: Blown up in a koi pond by a bomb strapped to its back

Even worse is that this murder is a second attempt, the first time they strap a bomb to the chihuahua but then it turned out to be the wrong bomb so when they press it to go off, instead it blows the head off of a minor Black character whose torso starts spurting blood everywhere.

Morton, Greta, 2019

Cause of Death: Drinks poison that was put in his milk

Jack, The Devil All The Time, 2021

Cause of death: Shot by his owner’s father who believes he must sacrifice him to save his wife from dying of cancer

Sparky, “WandaVision” Season One, 2021

Cause of Death: Initially mysterious, later attributed to murder

Merryboy (Ruger Ziesmer), Fear Street 3, 2021

Cause of Death: Drowns in the well

Pike, “Midnight Mass” Season One, 2021

Cause of Death: Poisoned

Biscuit, “Yellowjackets” Season One, 2022

Cause of Death: Goes missing and later his owner finds a shrine in her basement that contains his head and heart

Top 8 Songs My Moms Sing To Me About Me

My moms are really silly and they love to sing me original tunes.

Photographic evidence of my moms being silly.

I thought maybe the other animals of the Autostraddle Universe might relate, so in the comments you can tell me about the songs your people sing to you. Or you can just learn the songs my people sing, they’re all real bops. I am just a baby so I can’t write a longer intro than this; let’s get into the lyrics!

To the tune of Maniac:

he’s a baby man, baby man
and he’s coooold
and he’s shaking even harder than befooore

To the tune of Cindarelli:

zuzarinni zuzarinni, night and day he’s zuzzarini
lick his weenie, keep it cleanie
he’s a baby! zuzzarinni

To the tune of the Barney theme:

i love you
you’re tiny
let’s go outside and pee pee

To the tune of Just Dance:

just eat
gonna be okay doo doo doo
just eat
can’t wait all day doo doo doo
just eat

To the tune of Doctor Jones:

Dr. Z, Z, calling Dr. Z
Dr. Z, PhD
you’re so cute (YOU’RE SO CUTE)
Dr. Z, Z, you’re just a baby
Dr. Z, PhD
you’re so cute

To no particular tune:

Did ya poop on the floor Mr. Smallman?
Did ya poop on the floor Mr. Smallman?
Yeah, ya pooped on the floor,
Yeah, ya pooped on the floor,
Oh you pooped on the floor Mr. Smallman.

To the tune of Baby Shark:

mr. man doo doo doo doo doo doo
mr. man doo doo doo doo doo doo
mr. man doo doo doo doo doo doo
mr. man

To the tune of The Farmer in the Dell:

the boy’s being weird
the boy’s being weird
hi ho the dairy-o
the boy’s being weird

Birds in the TV Is as Good as Birds in the Window

In life there is birds. Birds live outside the windows. Mombs say I came from outside the windows too but I do not remember that. I saw some pictures. I was cuuuute. Birds outside the windows is good. They fly. They chirp. Sometimes they wrassle each other if they are birds of different kinds. I like wrasslin! I like to watch wrasslin and I like to do wrasslin! Watching the birds is my second favorite thing. My first favorite thing is cuddling Mombs. Birds outside the window is not always good because birds is not always outside the window. I scream for them. “BIRDS! BIRDS! BIIIIIRDS!” is what I scream but they do not come to the window.

me and my brother dobby. hims is on my stairs. i share (sometimes)!!

Good news! There is also birds inside the TV! Birds inside the TV is actually better than birds outside the windows. Here is why: When I scream for them — “BIRDS! BIRDS! BIIIIIRDS!” — Mombs puts them in the TV. (They never puts birds outside the window.) Birds in the TV is closer to me than birds outside. Bigger too! Also there is more birds! More kinds of birds! There is sparrow birds, goose birds, duck birds, pigeon birds. One time I saw a hawk bird and I got a real bad feeling about that so I ducked and ran!!! There is more than birds too. There is squirrels. There is chipmunks. There is bunny rabbits (boring, they never wrassle). My favorite thing in the TV is chipmunks because they fight over the peanuts in the tiny wheelbarrow. They make razzy noises when they fight. GIVE ME THAT PEANUT! I understand. I like to steal my brother’s and sister’s food too.

There is one problem with birds inside the TV. That problem is: My Mombs also have stuff inside the TV they want to watch. Mombs is lesbians. Mombs likes sports. Inside the TV they watch the sport called Serena. That sport has a small yellow ball and it goes back and forth about eleventy billion times. Inside the TV they also watch the sport of Candace Parker. She is lesbians too. Like my Mombs. Candace Parker sport has an orange ball. Short Momb likes the sport called Miami Dolphins. Tall Momb says “Men blah” and does not watch that one as much. My Mombs also like a sport called “KISS! KISS!” That sport does not have a ball. It has two womans, lesbians again I think, and Mombs’ teams wins when they kiss.

My favorite channels to watch are Birder King and Bird Bonanza. I have a disability. I cannot jump. But Mombs got me some stairs so I can get as close to the birds in the TV as I want! And that is CLOSE. I do not get allowed to slap the birds in the TV. We have to turn it off if I slap the TV. My sister Beth March gets the TV turned off most because she tries to jump on the birds. One time we got some fishes in the TV and she nearly breaked it!!! She is not smart. She does not know you cannot reach the birds. The birds live INSIDE the TV.

my sister quasar who is the only person who is not friends with me socks

I named my favorite chipmunk on Birder King the name of “Arike Buckets” which is one of my Mombs’ favorite sports players in the sport of Candace Parker. Remember I said I yell “BIRDS! BIRDS! BIIIIIRDS!” My Mombs yell like that too. They yell “ARRIKKEEEEEE!” It is good fun to yell at TV. Hurrah birds! Hurrah Arike Buckets, the human and the chipmunk!

One bird I would like to see on my TV is a chicken bird. Then I would like to see that bird on my plate.

Hey — We Need To Talk About Tarantulas

If you’re an animal other than a golden retriever, chances are you’ve had a few representations of you in the media that are a tad bit… unsavory. Everyone loves a dog that can hoop, or a dog that can save a kid from a well, but no one, and I mean no one, loves a tarantula.

Except, of course, my mother, Dani Janae. She has shown me love like no human ever before. We met at a reptile expo, and I was the only tarantula that wasn’t running around in their container like crazy. I kept it calm and cool, so she chose me.

me!

Every now and again she’ll shove her face up against my enclosure and just watch me, which I could do without. But I also could do without people calling me ugly, gross, or scary. Usually, my species is used as a prop to represent a bad omen or “something negative to come.”

I gotta tell ya, it kind of hurts my feelings. Which you wouldn’t imagine from a tarantula because of course you wouldn’t. You might even be asking yourself as you read this “do tarantulas have brains, feelings??” and I’m not gonna dignify that with an answer!

In short, tarantulas are the bad guys in movies and TV. You’ve probably seen tarantulas in music videos with people trying to convey how bad and cool they are. Remember that scene in Home Alone, scared ya right? But ask yourself… why? What is so scary about a furry little spider?

Okay, maybe “little” isn’t appropriate. We can be about the size of your hand if we are allowed to live long enough. So let me tell you a little bit about myself to help assuage some of your fears:

I’m an Arizona Blonde tarantula, or scientific name Aphonopelma Chalcodes. Before we mature into males or females, we are all the same color: brown body and a sort of light tan head with legs covered in those same dark blonde hairs. When my mom got me she was told I was female, the most desirable in the tarantula-keeping hobby because females live longer (up to 30 years). But after more than a year of living with her, I surprised her by molting and revealing that I was a male.

Males of the species have a bronze head, reddish body, and jet black legs. I know I know, you’re thinking “let’s skip the formalities and talk about the damn fangs!” Yes, I do have fangs. They are jet black as well, as with most tarantulas. When our fangs are white, that means we’ve just molted and are fragile and shouldn’t be handled or touched.

My mom says she’s seen me in a ton of movies and TV shows, from Home Alone, to The Brady Bunch, to…I’m sorry…Mr. Magoo?? My mom says the tarantula in the Brady Bunch scene looks how I used to look before I molted!

Okay but back on track. It really sucks to have people call you a monster or fear you when really, you’re trying to just live your life and humans keep using you as props or getting in your way when you’re on the hunt for a lady tarantula. And believe me, I’m on the hunt. So is my mother, and if someone— for the love of God—- would date her, maybe she’d spend less time obsessing over me.

Yes, we do have those huge fangs, and we do bite, but only if we’re super hungry and your finger is looking like a lil snack. Most tarantulas or offensive, not defensive. And biting is like…our last line of defense. We’ll throw a threat pose or kick hairs before we bite you if you’re messing with us.

What’s a threat pose? It’s when we rear up on our back legs, and show our fangs, sometimes slapping the ground. What does “kick hairs” mean? It’s when we don’t like what you’re doing so we use our back legs to rub the hair off our butts. The hair, depending on the species, can be a little itchy or can feel like glass on the skin so you don’t want to inhale it or get it in your eyes.

Also, most of us don’t have medically significant venom, meaning (unless you’re allergic) a bite can be comparable to a bee sting if you’re a full-grown adult. If you are a child or elderly things might get dicey for you but again, if you stay away and don’t mess with us you won’t have to deal with it.

I know most of these sets have animal handlers on them but some of them don’t do a very good job of handling the situation if you know what I mean. If you see a tarantula on screen it might be one of the more docile breeds like a Rose Hair (a little pinkish) or a Curly Hair (wild furry body).

I would be remiss if I didn’t mention 1955’s “Tarantula” an entire movie dedicated to comically large tarantulas that wrecked a whole town.

Why can’t we be the hero tarantula that bites an intruder or just minds their own business as we usually do? Why all this riff-raff about being the horror that someone has to encounter unwillingly? Why can’t I dribble a basketball for once?!

Thank you to the people at Autostraddle for providing me with this platform. I feel seen, I feel heard, I feel hungry what’s for dinner??

QUIZ: Which Of Our Cats and Dogs Are You?

If you have been wondering to yourself which one of the beloved pets of Autostraddle you are, then this is the day for you! You can finally find out if you are me, Carol the Dog, or perhaps a different pet owned by an Autostraddle staff member???

A Review of Nicole’s “New” Girlfriend of Four Years by Their Dog Mya

I, Mya, am a magnificent creature. I can tell because strangers wave to me from cars, stoop to pet me every chance they get, and light up when I walk into a room. As a being of maximal floof, who knows my own mind, I am in a perfect position to review my person’s partner. I would like to point out that I have known Nicole for five years and Sadie has only known them for four years, making me a creature of importance.

The first thing I have to say about Sadie is that she took my place in the bed. This was a mark against her. Still, she is small enough that when I do want to be on the bed, I can make sure she scrunches up those legs. That way, I have room to lie down without taking up any of Nicole’s side of the bed at all. I think this arrangement works well for the three of us.

At first, when Sadie started coming around, she did not feed me. This was another mark against her. She should have immediately given me food and, yet, did not. However, she is now in charge of my dinner, so when she enters the kitchen at around 6 or 7pm I am DELIGHTED. Sometimes, often, she doesn’t feed me right away because she must be forgetful or something, so I have to chase after her and boop her butt with my snoot to make sure she feeds me. I know this is okay to do because Nicole also touches her butt.

I made MY first move on move-in day, where I decided to see if Sadie would give me some of her meaty burrito. Nicole’s soy-based burrito was not nearly as interesting.

SPEAKING of food, this is an important thing to note about Sadie. Nicole eats many things I like, such as the apple or, in summer, WATERMELON FRUIT FROM HEAVEN. Take me to a cook-out and I will stare at the tray of watermelon until you give me some. Remove those seeds for Mya, though! And whenever I see Nicole or Sadie get the apple out, I open my mouth and grin realllly huge so they know it’s time to pay their apple tribute. I get two slices of every apple eaten in this house. It is the rule. Sadie, however, does something Nicole does not. Sadie. Eats. Meats. Since Sadie has come into our lives, the chance of meats dropping on the floor has increased from zero to some more. Sometimes, Sadie will even make me tiny — TOO TINY — portions of her meats without all the extra salt and stuff she puts on them. Once, Sadie made me a tiny unseasoned hamburger that she grilled, and Nicole made me tiny un-oiled baked french fries, and I lost my mind. Sadie = meats and I love that about her.

Now, having Sadie around DOES mean that I get twice as many pets as I did before. But it also means that when Sadie and Nicole pet each other I get jealous and stare and stomp my little front feet because they look like good pets and I want in! Like this one time, Nicole was giving Sadie REALLY GOOD pets against a wall, and I got all up close to them and smiled and panted because they looked amazing! Now that I’ve lost my hearing, I cannot tell when they’ve snuck off to pet each other, but Mya has her suspicions. More pets for Mya, is what I am going to type right here thank you.

I DO NOT like that Sadie helps Nicole brush me. I DO like that I feel more comfortable nipping at Sadie when she brushes me. I feel embarrassed when I try to nip Nicole, but not with Sadie. I think I feel entitled to nip at her a bit more and growl and hold the comb in my teeth because COMB IS BAD AND BRUSH IS BAD. I don’t know if I’ve ever barked at Sadie, but once when Nicole left and came home and forgot their keys they knocked on the door, so I barked at the door, and then I saw it was them when they opened the door so I ran away in SHAME and EMBARRASSMENT and I HID and I NEVER BARKED AT THE DOOR AGAIN TO THIS DAY.

Before Sadie, it was just Nicole and Mya and that was good and fine. (Except for the fact that we had to live with their roommate that had a mean bully cat who scared the shit out of Mya.) Now, though, we are a PACK. When we go for walks all three of us instead of just two, I raise my tail up higher than on walks with only Nicole because I’m proud of the humans I’ve collected. AND when I get into the car with Nicole AND Sadie most of the time it’s a trip with NEW SNIFFS! It might be a trip to the park or an even longer road trip to more distant sniffs. The really good trips rarely happen without Sadie so she must have something to do with them. Nicole and Sadie even got a funny little ramp for me to get in and out of the car since I cannot jump so high these days, which means even more trips for Mya!

Between meats, pets, and trips — I give Nicole’s new girlfriend four and a half wags out of five. Sadie’s pretty good. I hope she reads this and takes my note about meats, though. BIGGER MEATS AND MORE PETS FOR MYA PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

Editor’s Notes: Animalstraddle

Many years ago on April 1st, 2019, the website Autostraddle, for one day, devoted itself to perhaps its most worthy subject of all time: me, Carol the dog. The entire website became Carolstraddle, with a special banner for me, a special cursor for me, and special articles for me.

It was an important day for not just me (I am important every day and a star) but for all pets and animals, who flooded the comments, finally having found a space where they could be amongst like-minded individuals and share their emotions and concerns on a variety of important issues, such as a dog who was barking very loudly at the time.

Every time I complain to my parent, Riese, that there has not been enough Carol content since that time, she gently suggests I re-route my complaint to an Editor and also tells me that I am in the newsletter every week. While it is true that my PICTURE is in the newsletter, what about my voice?????

Just an Idea!!! (graphic by Sarah Sarwar)

Imagine my delight when a great void opened up this week with one Editor out sick and another wrapped up with writer interviews!!! (Not that I need a great void, I am a small dog and only need a small void, but anyways) In fact I heard word that on today, April 1st, both our Editor-in-Chief and Managing Editor would be out of the office!!?!!?!?

Therefore I knew there had never been a better time to hatch a plan to center myself!!!! Once again I could bring an important voice (mine) to the LGBTQIA+ population on April First!!!

But there’s more!!!!!

Although my in-person behavior towards every other animal in the world (especially squirrels) would suggest otherwise, I am very benevolent and generous towards all of G-d’s creatures and decided that this year 2022, I would use my privilege to stop thinking about only myself for the day and instead make space on this website for other animals (not just me) to take up space. In fact today you will be hearing from not just me (Carol) but also from two dogs who are not me, one cat (i also might be a cat so in a way that is also about me) and a tarantula. When was the last time you read an article by a tarantula? That’s right, we are doing important work here.

Also there is a quiz where you or your pet can find out if you are me or maybe a pet who is not me?

In conclusion, look how cute I am:

35 Cats to Follow on Twitter in 2022

The one thing 2021 has made abundantly clear is that social media is bad, bad, bad for us. But also most of us need to be on social media — for work, for friendship connections, for romantic pursuits, and also because otherwise our families are gonna be calling us ON THE PHONE to make sure we’re alive. We don’t need to add the stress of TALKING on the PHONE to this already very stressful world we’re living in. So what can you do? Well, I’ll tell you what I did and it was one of the best things I did all year: You can follow a bunch of cats on Twitter. They speak their own language, these cats; they all have their own personalities; they talk to each other, and they’ll talk to you too. Cat Twitter is the best Twitter and, in my opinion, it’s the smartest thing you can do to keep social media from making you want to hurl yourself into the sea.

As always, please leave your favorites in the comments!

1. Sarge

i am try to make my tacos and run my busines and benly is taking bites out of my truck https://t.co/sf32t1YRwa

— Sarge 🧡 (@sarge_the_kitty) December 21, 2021

2. Benny

BROTHORS WORKING TOGETHOR :) pic.twitter.com/WQ2kpWVVdL

— Benny (@benny_the_kitty) December 22, 2021

3. Coke Zero

mine Mome. bak'ed thise Bread.,
, it smealt. Bade pic.twitter.com/IhPkfr5veA

— Coke Zero (@CokeZeroCat) October 27, 2020

4. Blueberry

brrrrr 💤 🌱 pic.twitter.com/mvGocYe4no

— blueberry (@brrbrrblueberry) March 24, 2020

5. Princess Pamcake

enjoying, the goodly sink drink , pic.twitter.com/3bpfoFd6nh

— Pamcake 🌈 Misty Mia 🩷 (@PrimcessPamcake) December 5, 2021

6. Princess Mochi

Blankot 💗 https://t.co/P9Ae8nj3yb pic.twitter.com/ObdDzA82sn

— 💗 MOCHI 💗 (@PrimcessMochi) December 25, 2021

7. Butterbean

Looky my scrungy Face. You see it. An also my litol bean foot , thanks pic.twitter.com/Va2CXZSOr7

— butterbean official (@beansboye) December 28, 2021

8. Potato

gotcha pic.twitter.com/j7WLHSAb3Y

— potato 🥔 (@sweetpotato_cat) December 20, 2021

9. Inspector Basil

DWEEZLE IS BACK ON THE MENU TONITE BABEYY!! pic.twitter.com/8lRG4p8ESG

— Official Basiltux! (@BasilTux) December 30, 2021

10. Willow

mmmm stamdemg for mine torkey dinnore pic.twitter.com/cfIvKwNZj0

— Willow (@oneeyedwillow) December 27, 2021

11. Buffy

wimslow is huggemg mine bundt ,. she so werd pic.twitter.com/56QrQUUPOk

— Buffy (@twoeyedbuffy) December 21, 2021

12. Bink Bonk

woa h! pic.twitter.com/1hdrrkf5Zo

— Bink Bonk (@BinkleBonkleBoy) December 14, 2021

13. Mr. Fig

im have met the Loave of Mine Life .., sweat Rabunzel ,..lock'ed awaye from the worlb ,im must only gayse from Afar .., pic.twitter.com/QQOTfmoqJ8

— FIGGY 🐾 (@mrfigarocat) December 24, 2021

14. Ally

youe will not believfe how cozey thise blamkey is ime juste so cozey and sleepey pic.twitter.com/u4LOk8abru

— ally ☃️❄️ (@allythe_cat) December 30, 2021

15. Elton

I will hlep with yorue thing. I’m good it pic.twitter.com/gQNvi3N6b2

— elton the cat (@orangeofaman) December 20, 2021

16. Paul Blart

LETS GROOVE TONIGHT
SHARE THE SPICE OF LIFE pic.twitter.com/ig0hFy5oUK

— Paul Blart (@swagmastarpaul) December 30, 2021

17. Joey

the view’s up hear . imanculate pic.twitter.com/iKqfH8Ht2I

— olde joey ⬅️↗️🌈 (@joeyfreckle) December 23, 2021

18. Julie

Six pant’s. None the richer. Kiss JULEY pic.twitter.com/r81SJ0aEJj

— julie 🦩🍩🌟 (@goodgirljuliee) July 21, 2021

19. Ivy

, do not Accuse me of .. something I did Not do pic.twitter.com/zYCwNW8DuL

— ✨ivy✨ 🧡 (@roundmoogurl) December 29, 2021

20. Bilbo

sneep pic.twitter.com/ZeccWHsX4u

— bilbo 🍊 (@thegoodcatboy) November 2, 2021

21. BigFootJinx

merry christmas everyone!! ❤️ pic.twitter.com/IwAlujX95G

— jinx (@bigfootjinx) December 25, 2021

22. Jorts and Jean

I am purring very loud because I love all of you. https://t.co/MbWz18H8WM

— Jorts (and Jean) (@JortsTheCat) December 15, 2021

23. The Cagle Cats

Pleased pic.twitter.com/Xt3Bp7Eiyq

— the Cagle Cats (@CagleCats) December 30, 2021

24. Alfie

MUNCH pic.twitter.com/hFLPCok0TC

— alfie’s coole tweats (@goodboyalfie) December 8, 2021

25. Cats With Jobs

pic.twitter.com/LUn5LxSXDY

— cats with jobs 🛠 (@CatWorkers) December 29, 2021

26. StimkyThumb

Ya? :) pic.twitter.com/leEj7xavqP

— ☆Thumb☆ + ☆Keek☆🌈 (@StimkySisters) December 31, 2021

27. StimkyKeeks

https://twitter.com/StimkyKeeks/status/1470769738355724294

28. BeetleTheBaby

I Want a Pop Tart pic.twitter.com/kMo4LlAOve

— evil beeble (@beetlethebaby) November 25, 2021

29. Kity Leo

I dimosaw , pic.twitter.com/7ATFXVmBQ7

— Kity Leo (@KityLeoTheKity) December 29, 2021

30. Mousecow Today

Mousecow has come to ask why the heating is off again…#EverybodyLovesMousecow pic.twitter.com/BOjajFvrpe

— Mousecow (@MousecowToday) December 20, 2021

31. Bonky (Link)

explane … thise. . pic.twitter.com/OQIq7b8oK4

— Bonky (Link) (@StimkyLink) May 21, 2021

32. Sandwiches

I have Suspicion’s ..,.,, is maybe a Impöstêr pic.twitter.com/Sw8T5N61dl

— sandwiches (@sandwiches_cat) December 20, 2021

33. Eggs

Cappen Ëgg Reporting For Doody Sir pic.twitter.com/S9DnXDHm9R

— eggs (@eggs_cat) December 31, 2021

34. Beans

i will shaire my gürt with sistre @sandwiches_cat bc she is Goode pic.twitter.com/d7uyweujv9

— beans (@beans_kitty) October 21, 2021

35. Bodega Cats

pic.twitter.com/0xDVBxDqQb

— Bodega Cats (@Bodegacats_) December 31, 2021

Twitter’s Favorite Lesbian-Loving Misandrist Chihuahua Has Been Adopted!

Perhaps you — like me, and every other gay person I know on Twitter — were recently taken with the story of the very angry man-hating chihuahua looking for a home. Prancer sprang to notoriety a few weeks ago when his foster mom posted an ad about him that called him a “vessel for a traumatized Victorian child” and a “neurotic, man hating, animal hating, children hating dog that looks like gremlin” and the embodiment of “that episode of The Office where Michael Scott silently whispers ‘I’ll kill you’ to Toby.” And yet, his foster mom insisted that in the right home — preferably the home of a lesbian or a pair of lesbians, and no other living things — Prancer could thrive.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Prancer (@prancerthechihuahua)

Well, guess what? Ariel Davis, a 36-year-old lesbian from Connecticut saw that ad, thought to herself “Why not?” and adopted Prancer! “What’s the worst that could happen?” she asked herself, somehow, after living through the last 18 months. And her optimism paid off! She told The Today Show that adopting Prancer was one of the best days of her life!

“I’m a single woman, I’m a single lesbian, I live with another woman, I don’t have any men in my life, I work in a women’s rehab, I don’t have any other animals. It just felt like a perfect match,” she said.

She even started an Instagram for Prancer! He seems very grumpy and also very happy!

I, of course, reached out to Autostraddle’s favorite chihuahua, Carol Aird Tinkerbell Junior Bernard, for comment.

“As a fellow chihuahua who is 50% tremble, I am heartened to see that there is a home for every one of us. For example, I probably would’ve been put out to pasture had my heroic parent Riese not rescued me from the animal shelter, where I was surrounded by a scourge Prancer knows well: other dogs!!!!!!!!!!!,” Carol told me. “I still have NO idea why other animals exist. Squirrels??? WHY?!!! Anyhow, although I LOVE people of all genders and therefore am a more desirable houseguest than Prancer, I am pleased to see other smart chihuahuas find homes with lesbians in the twilight years of their thirties. I wish this dog all the best and I hope he never crosses my path.”

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Prancer (@prancerthechihuahua)

We, too, wish Prancer the very best life and the great good fortune to not have to get into an internet war with lesbian fandom’s original favorite chihuahua, Carol the Dog.

The Real Stars of New York Fashion Week Were These Dogs and Cats and Pigs

All photos by Meg Jones Wall

As a writer for the world’s largest publication for LGBTQ women and non-binary people, I am often invited to attend events in New York City. Rarely do I accept any of these invitations because they require me to leave my home and engage in small talk with large groups of strangers while wearing uncomfortable shoes. I prefer only to leave my home to engage in intense and meaningful conversations with small groups of people I already know while wearing sneakers (or socked feet in someone’s home). The invitations I delete most quickly from my inbox are those beckoning me to New York Fashion Week, a semi-annual series of runway events where, presumably, attendees are expected to converse with words like “bespoke” and “appliqué” and “minaudière” while sipping champagne and discussing what their favorite haberdashers are up to this season.

However, this year, when I received an invitation to the New York Fashion Week Pet Fashion Show — “world couture for animal rescue” — I knew I had to attend. I may not know what the word “couture” means, or how even to pronounce it, but I know a lot about animal rescue and also pets in clothes. For example, one time this was a feral kitten.

The New York Pet Fashion Show is the largest pet fashion and animal rescue event in the world. It benefits The Mayor’s Alliance for NYC’s Animals, which is actually the organization that helped me save Socks Bobbi (pictured above) and his siblings, Beth March Bobbi, Dobby Bobbi, and Frodo Bobbi. They also help me maintain my feral cat colony, Hogwarts School of Witchkittens and Wizardcats. They provide training for things like building cold weather shelters for feral cats, socializing feral kittens, and working with the ASPCA’s brilliant TNR program; they connect other cat and dog rescuers with each other; they run adoption events all around the city; and they furnish resources for pet rescuers. One time they even helped me and my partner get a possum out of our back alley and safely into the woods in New Jersey!

Renowned writer/tarot reader/photographer Meg Jones Wall joined me at the event. Her Pet Fashion Show qualifications include being the mom to her dog, Brady, who has a very fancy coat, sometimes wears one (1) sock, and will tenderly drape himself across you for hours like he himself is a pashmina. She texted me to tell me “there are lots of fancy dogs in this hotel lobby!,” but truly, nothing could have prepared us for the level of elegance we encountered when we squeezed into the elevator with two dogs in two strollers — one shaped like a flying saucer with a speckled pupper inside, and one shaped like a golden carriage transporting a dog we were immediately admonished not to feed — at the Hotel Pennsylvania. When we reached the top floor, it was mayhem! This year’s theme was Space Odyssey 2020 and everywhere we looked, people and dogs and cats and pigs were wrapped in lights and sparkling silver capes and masks and glowing cloaks and I don’t even know what all.

“What fits!” I exclaimed. “Look at these gussets, these hems, these crinolines!”

Meg, clearly impressed with the “fashion words” I’d Googled on the train ride over, also gaped in wonder at the cacophony of barking and glitter and dance mom energy surrounding us. First there was the red carpet. Then, the actual fashion show, where each trendy pet had its moment to shine, walking the runway with its owner or foster parent while the music bopped and the emcee said actual fashion words.

Best in Show, according to both Meg and I, was this black cat dressed like Eve from the Garden of Eden who was just fine on her basket ride to the center of the runway where the major press outlets were gathered. As soon as her owner paused, though, this tiny panther turned and stared right into Meg’s camera — and then slapped her sunglasses right the heck off her face!

“WINTOUR!” I yelled as I burst into applause.

Every pet was a perfect babe. They were all winners in mine and Meg’s hearts.

And, once again:

Lesbian and Bisexual Women of History Who Were Obsessed with Their Dogs, Part 4

Parts 1, 2 and 3 of this series are not required but very enjoyable.

History, people say, has a habit of repeating itself. While that largely means we live at the mercy of the cycle of bad decisions made by a privileged few, it has one side benefit of providing a seemingly endless stream of queer women who were thoroughly besotted with their canine pets.

And so we find ourselves back for a barely conceivable fourth installment looking at the big dogs, little dogs and doggy dogs of yet more lesbian and bisexual women of history who were obsessed with them!

Margaret Wise Brown

Author of everyone’s fave secretly queer bedtime story, Goodnight Moon, Margaret Wise Brown was born in Brooklyn, New York City in 1910.

She spent her early years in a house overlooking the East River until, at her mother’s insistence, the family moved out to Long Island, so the kids could grow up in more natural surroundings. Margaret felt instantly at home in the outdoors, unleashing her adventurous spirit and wild curiosity. Importantly, the space also afforded the family a large house with ample room for many pets, including a squirrel, guinea pig and rabbits. Their family dog was a collie named Bruce, after the canine hero of the adventure dog stories by Albert Payson Terhune beloved by the Brown children. When she wasn’t roaming the countryside, Margaret was a voracious reader and story-teller, frequently adapting common tales with wicked twists to scare her younger sister, Roberta.

Margaret with Roberta, Bruce and assorted pets, courtesy Westerly Public Library

This love of books did not translate to academic success; Margaret spent far more time keeping up with her many sporting and social pursuits, first at boarding schools in Massachusetts and Switzerland, then as an undergraduate at Hollins University in Virginia. Despite students being banned from keeping pets at her Hollins dorm, Margaret decided she must have a canine companion. So she engineered a plan to buy a dog in town, then house it with one of the college staff to get around the rules.

Inspired by reading Gertrude Stein at college, Margaret harboured an overwhelming desire to be a writer, though she received less than encouraging feedback from her tutors for her creative writing. More pressingly, this didn’t fit the more practical career expectations of her father, who threatened to cut her allowance off if she didn’t get a proper job, or direct her education towards one. So, in 1935 Margaret signed up to teacher training at the experimental Bank Street School in New York. She was immediately tapped up by the head of the school to work on editing textbooks using their trademark “Here and Now” style, which focused on children’s experiences in the real world, rather than the fantasies and fairy tales that were common at the time. Margaret took to the style with gusto, and soon jumped from editing textbooks to writing them, and then story books of her own imagining, in a prolific career that saw her pen over 100 books over fourteen years. Aside from the sheer quantity of her output, Margaret was revolutionary in pushing new styles and formats that are commonplace now, including what was considered the first board-backed children’s book.

Where she had struggled to put together compelling adult fiction, she found no problem putting herself in a child’s place to conjure up stories that would appeal directly to them. In a guide book she wrote later in her career, Creative Writing for Very Young Children, she would link this ability with her animal kinship: “Children are keen as wild animals and also as timorous.” Despite her success, Margaret’s grasp on financial responsibility never really matured, spending whole pay-cheques on flowers, maintaining her lavish social lifestyle and buying up properties, then wondering how she couldn’t afford to pay rent.

While working at Bank Street, Margaret acquired her dog Smoke, an irascible Kerry Blue terrier that she took everywhere with her. At group editorial meetings, Smoke would curl and doze through readings, and when Margaret found things dull, a gentle toe poke to Smoke’s ribs would elicit a mournful howl to echo his mistress’s feelings. She was commonly seen flitting from publisher to publisher with Smoke under one arm, and a sheaf of manuscripts under the other.

Margaret still spent a lot of time away from the city, enjoying country society from New England to Virginia and indulging in her passion for hunting with beagles. It was during a sojourn to the coast in the summer of 1940 that Margaret met the poet and actress Michael Strange, while they were both visiting a mutual ex, Bill Gaston. If that sentence didn’t provide enough foreshadowing, let me clarify that this gay-sounding meeting kicked off a decade-long tempestuous affair between the two women. Michael was known for her affair and marriage with famed actor John Barrymore (and the erotic poetry she wrote about it), which put her firmly among New York’s artistic elite. Margaret was dazzled by the confidence and sophistication of Michael, who was twenty years her senior. They moved in together in 1943, intent on creating the ideal artistic life, which slowly crumbled thanks to professional and personal jealousy, and the conflict between Margaret’s impulsive flightiness and Michael being a general bitchy drama queen. After a protracted illness, Michael died from leukemia in 1950, which devastated Margaret but ultimately freed her to continue with her life.

One good thing that came out of their relationship was Michael offering to get Margaret a new Kerry Blue after Smoke’s passing. At the kennels Margaret fell in love with the unruliest pupper of the bunch, which Michael tried and failed to protest against. Thus Margaret acquired Crispin’s Crispian (named after some dude in Henry IV)), who became even more infamous than his predecessor, thanks to a predilection for attacking trouser legs, upholstery and literally any other animal he encountered.

Margaret and Crispian

Crispian’s fame was cemented when Margaret inevitably made him the protagonist of his own book: Mister Dog: The Dog Who Belonged to Himself. The story sees Crispian living independently in his own house (modeled after Margaret’s own writing shed, Cobble Court), and his self-sufficiency so impresses a small boy that he chooses to join him in this lifestyle. I am sure this is meant to be making some kind of statement about kids learning independence but also seems a bit gay.

Crispian was just one of many dog and animal stars in Margaret’s phenomenal output. Other anthropomorphic canine characters include Muffin in The Noisy Book, who is temporarily blinded and thus begins to appreciate the sounds of the world. The illustrations for Muffin were based on Smoke’s pup Finnegan who, while modeling, peed on several of the drawings intended for the book. Further doggy pursuits are recorded in The Sailor Dog and Big Dog Little Dog.

To Margaret’s great dismay, the New York Public Library never stocked any of her books in her lifetime, but nevertheless she was loved across the globe. She began a French book tour in 1952, a precursor to a round the world trip she was planning with her new fiancé, a Rockefeller heir nicknamed Pebble. Of course, Margaret took Crispian along with her, despite the reservations of all her friends who knew what a cantankerous creature he was. Despite Margaret training Crispian to understand basic commands in French on the boat over, the wily pooch immediately got himself embroiled in a fight with a local dog, which inspired the following masterpiece:

The Crispian Blues

Bitten on the bottom
In my first fight in France
Why did I not
Wear a pair of pants?
Zut
Et crott
Zis
Ees
Not cricket.

Her trip was cut very short when she landed in hospital with a burst appendix. Although she survived the routine surgery, she developed an embolism while recovering and died. Without children of her own, Margaret’s legacy was split up in an unusual but highly sensible way, with half of her royalties going to whoever took care of Crispian. However, the only person that had read her will to know this was her manager Walter Varney, who immediately tried to wrangle ownership of Crispian to claim the inheritance for himself. This was quickly disputed by Margaret’s sister and literary executor Roberta, who eventually wrangled back control, but such was the nightmare of working with Margaret’s various publishers that over 70 manuscripts remained locked up in a trunk and unpublished until the 1990s.

In the 1970s, the New York Public Library finally decided they would start carrying Goodnight Moon, after two decades dismissing its modernist style, and even the need for a “go to sleep” kind of book. Its popularity rose from the thousands sold every year when it was published, to almost a million annually today, ensuring the legacy of Margaret Wise Brown is read around the world every night.

“I like dogs
Big dogs
Little dogs
Fat dogs
Doggy dogs
Old dogs
Puppy dogs
I like dogs
A dog that is barking over the hill
A dog that is dreaming very still
A dog that is running wherever he will
I like dogs.”
― Margaret Wise Brown, The Friendly Book

Billie Holiday

Iconic jazz singer Billie Holiday was born in Philadelphia in 1915, and raised in Baltimore. She suffered an unstable and abusive childhood, establishing a pattern that would define her personal life. Passed between relatives while her mother worked away and her father was nowhere to be seen, Holiday spent her early years surviving life and sexual assault in one of the city’s most impoverished neighbourhoods.

Billie moved to New York aged 14, where she was trafficked into the sex trade and later imprisoned for it. After release, Billie began singing in nightclubs, developing her trademark vocal style and phrasing, and started to gain some independence. However, the brutal realities of life as an entertainer and woman of colour in the segregation era saw Billie frequently at the mercy of unscrupulous men profiteering off her talent and burgeoning drink and drug addiction.

Thank goodness for dogs! In the absence of decent humans in her life, Billie was supported and comforted by a series of pet pooches throughout her career. As fellow singer Lena Horne recalled about Billie: “her animals were her only trusted friends” and an evergreen topic of conversation.

Among her menagerie were:
– Rajah Ravoy, named after a local magician, who she gave away to her mother
– Gypsy, a great Dane
– a wire-haired terrier named Bessie Mae Moocho
– a Standard Poodle who Billie, sobbing, wrapped in her finest mink coat for cremation when it died
– several Chihuahuas, including Moochy, Chiquita and Pepe, the latter whom she hand-fed with baby bottles and carried everywhere around town

It was Mister, an enormous Boxer dog, that became Billie’s closest companion, loyally sitting stage-side whenever she performed and generally happy so long as he could hear his mistress’s voice. In return, Billie knitted him sweaters, fed him steak and bought him his own mink coat (obviously there was a lot of mink to go around back then).

Billie’s drug use put her frequently at odds with law enforcement, not least because of the relentless campaign by Harry Anslinger, head of the U.S. Federal Bureau of Narcotics, whose personal vendetta against jazz culture, Black people in general and Billie in particular almost drove her to suicide. In 1947, police raided Billie’s apartment and busted her for possession, leading to a year in prison. After release, Mister (who Billie thought would have forgotten her), bounded up to her with such ferocity in the street that a bystander thought he was attacking her.

by William P Gottlieb

Prior to her incarceration, Billie’s commercial success had been at a high, with hit singles, record deals and a starring Hollywood film role. With her conviction somewhat restricting where she could perform, she still managed to play several sellout concerts in the late 40s, but the deterioration of her health from constant drink and drug abuse made performing increasingly difficult, and left her even more vulnerable to those out to exploit her. The shadows of Billie’s chaotic life managed to fall over even her most stalwart companion. Contemporaries recounted how in their drug-fuelled benders Billie and her friends hit and abused Mister, even shooting him up with heroin. Eventually, Billie gave Mister away to her pianist, Bobbie Tucker.

Holiday was arrested on drugs charges again in a Hollywood nightclub in 1948, San Francisco in 1949, and Philadelphia in 1956. When hauled off to City Hall for the latter charge, she insisted on bringing Pepe her Chihuahua with her, and he stayed the night in jail.

Billie managed to tell much of her own version of events in her 1956 autobiography Lady Sings the Blues, although notable omissions include her affairs with women, including Tallulah Bankhead, allegedly after Bankhead saw a draft manuscript mentioning their relationship and threatened to sue.

Holiday’s health worsened and by early 1959 she was seriously ill with cirrhosis of the liver, dying in July of that year. It’s said that in her hospital possessions were found a shopping list containing three items: cigarettes, gin and dog food.

Rosa Bonheur

I debated a long time about whether to include the 19th century artist Rosa Bonheur in this series. Sure, Rosa loved dogs, but she loved all animals, with no particular evidence she was more obsessed with dogs than others. I fretted: what if the pan-animal-loving community accused me of erasure? Conversely, what if the dog-lovers accused me of diluting their canine-exclusive identity?

Eventually I realised that loving a lion does not mean you love dogs any less, which I think is a valuable lesson for us all to learn. So, with gay abandon, let us celebrate the life and loves of France’s greatest cross-dressing animal painter, Rosa Bonheur!

Rosa was born into a family of artists in Bordeaux, on March 16th 1822. Naturally, she followed the family passion and was drawing from before she could read, or even talk, devoting hours to sketching her favourite subject: animals. Her obsession was so overwhelming that she eschewed learning to read and write in favour of drawing, until her mum ingeniously persuaded her to learn the alphabet by assigning her animal pictographs to draw, representing each letter.

Despite her quite obvious artistic desire and talent her dad was reticent to give her proper training for reasons that are not clear, so let us just blame the patriarchy. The family moved to Paris, and when Rosa’s insistence on becoming an artist wouldn’t abate (and she kept getting kicked out of school and apprenticeships for being unruly) her father finally relented. He began to bring back animals to the family studio for her to study, and she progressed to making field trips to the outskirts of Paris to paint livestock in their natural habitat.

It was while in Paris that Rosa began wearing trousers and other stereotypically “masculine” attire, largely for practical purposes. As a regular visitor to abattoirs as research for intricate anatomical studies, she discovered it was a real drag in skirts, but because it had been outlawed for women to wear trousers since 1800 (and not  officially repealed until 2013!!), she had to obtain and constantly renew a permit to do so.

She had a house on Rue d’Assas where she somehow kept: “One horse, one he-goat, one otter, seven lapwings, two hoopoes, one monkey, one sheep, one donkey, two dogs, and my neighbour Mme. Foucault, mother of the famous physicist, who used to get on the wall to watch me mounting my mare, Margot” (not sure how Mme. Foucault feels about semi-inclusion in this list). As well as the animals, Rosa moved in her girlfriend, Nathalie Micas. Rosa and Nathalie had been at school together in Paris and matched each other with their passions for animals, with Nathalie frequently taking on the role of nurse to their unwieldy menagerie, and having a special talent for taming the various wild beasties they acquired. Nathalie’s mum also moved in with them, but as far as I can tell, she had no concern about her daughter’s lesbian affair. It is likely Mme. Micas was too distracted by the otter’s penchant for escaping its water tank and leaping into her bed. Even when Rosa attempted to give away animals, they had a habit of returning, as happened with a dog they gifted to a friend who immediately left and trotted the thirty mile trip back.

Rosa’s animal obsessions paid off, and after some early successes with huge pastoral scenes such as Ploughing in the Nivernais she was able to set up a much larger studio just outside Paris in Château de By, in 1859. She immediately set about moving in an even more outrageous array of pets, including but not limited to:

– stables filled with all sorts of horses, ponies and cattle
– dogs roaming all over the place, including collies, enormous St Bernards’, hunting hounds, dachshunds and terriers
– stags, wild sheep and gazelles
– a parrot called Green Cocotte who could swear in Spanish
– a monkey called Ratata
– a pair of lions named Nero and Fathma.

Naturally, many of these animals were the subjects of the many hundreds of artworks she produced over her lengthy career, including dozens of dog portraits and studies.

Of all the dog obsessives I have studied, Rosa is perhaps the first that has made me wonder if she was actually an addict, frequently documenting her inability to go anywhere without acquiring a new pet. Witness this time she went on a trip in the Alps in 1850 and got a giant mountain dog:
“My dog is getting enormous. I don’t know how I shall manage to convey him from here, for he will be as big as a donkey, Dear me! What an unfortunate hobby mine is! What would you say if I were to confess what efforts I have made to resist the desire to bring back a sheep and a goat? I really can’t help it.”

Among her named dogs, we have: Belotte, a large yellow bassett, Pastour, Ulm (a big Danish dog), Niniche (a Corsican mouflon), a Scottish terrier called Wasp, a beagle called Ramoneau, long-haired Daisy and Charlie, who Rosa trained to do tricks, and her favourite, Gamine, who was glued to Rosa’s side, lording it over the other animals and always the first to scraps at the dinner table.

After almost 40 years together, Nathalie passed away, in 1889. A few years later, the couple’s friend Francis Power Cobb lost her own partner Marie Lloyd, and Francis and Rosa exchanged letters and photos of their loved ones with their faithful dogs, to remind them of their happiest times.

Rosa was not alone for long. An American painter named Anna Klumpke met Rosa on one of her regular trips to Paris, and the two hit it off. Anna had idolised Rosa for years, and even had an official androgynous dress-up Rosa Bonheur Doll. Anna plucked up the courage to ask if she could paint Rosa’s portrait on her next visit, to which Rosa agreed and they promptly fell in love during the process, because all clichés have to start somewhere.

Rosa with Charlie by Anna Klumpke

Anna moved in to the chateau and they lived together until Rosa’s death in 1899. Anna maintained the estate (including all those animals) until her own death in 1942. Rosa, Nathalie and Anna are buried together in Père Lachaise cemetery in Paris.

Edith Somerville and Violet Martin

Both daughters of wealthy 19th century Irish gentry, Edith Somerville and Violet Martin met in 1886 in Castletownshend, the small village near Edith’s family residence, Drishane House. I suppose tangentially it was Violet’s family home too, as the pair were second cousins, although they didn’t encounter each other until their mid-twenties so probably it was totally fine that they embarked upon a lifelong artistic and romantic relationship together.

Eldest of eight siblings, Edith was a smart and confident character, with a passion for reading and drawing, and a determination to make her own way in the world. After persuading her parents to let her go abroad to study art, she was able to earn a living as an illustrator and set herself up with a studio on the family estate. With no desire for marriage herself, Edith was devastated when her childhood “best friend” Ethel tied the knot, and was entirely unattached when she met Violet.

Similarly self-motivated, Violet was a self-taught linguist and keen student of the written word, and was trying to get some of her articles published when a family member suggested she seek out Edith to provide illustrations. Their collaboration was an instant success, and the pair clamoured to spend more time together despite familial obligations and financial dependency keeping them apart.

I suppose our respective stars then collided and struck sympathetic sparks. We very soon discovered in one another a comfortable agreement of outlook in matters artistic and literary, and those colliding stars lit for us a fire that has not faded yet.
– Edith Somerville describing casually meeting her cousin Violet.

Violet helped redirect Edith’s passions in a more literary direction. Their first novel together was, ironically, An Irish Cousin, and after positive reaction to the book, their families were somewhat content to let them continue their unusual collaborations. For the first two decades of their partnership, they didn’t live together, but would meet for intense periods of “creativity” and constantly mailed manuscripts and letters to each other. They continued to have success, publishing a number of novels satirising Irish country life, using the joint pseudonym “Martin Ross.”

After the death of Edith’s parents and Violet’s mother, there were few remaining obstacles in the way of the pair moving in together, and they spent the last nine years of their relationship in Drishane house. As the head of the household, Edith assumed responsibility for running the estate, including taking over the hunting hounds, becoming Ireland’s first female Master of the Foxhounds. While they loved the hounds for the hunt, Edith and Violet were also fans of fox terriers, and liked to trot around with them in threes, leashed up like a Russian troika.

Edith and Violet with two of their fave fox terriers, Candy and Sheila

Violet died in 1915, after a long illness following a horseriding accident. However, Edith casually resumed her relationship with Violet on the astral plane, which is as you’d expect for a queer woman. Not only did Edith claim that Violet contacted her from beyond the grave, she also brought with her news of their long-dead pet dogs. For the rest of her life, Edith continued to use the pen-name Martin Ross, as she fully believed she was still writing in conjunction with her deceased lover. Although Edith went on to live for a further three decades, she remained faithful to Violet’s spirit, despite attempted flirtations from fellow suffragist and dog enthusiast, Ethel Smyth.

Edith’s (and ghost-Violet’s) final work was Maria and Some Other Dogs, a selection of previously-penned doggy stories and new musings on the canine condition, collected with illustrations. As well as obligatory tales from a dog’s-eye view, there is a chapter titled “In Praise of Ladies” which although allegedly pertaining to female dogs, could easily be read as a treatise on why females of any species are better.

Yet I am well aware that I am not alone in valuing the Lady, as an intimate, above the Gentleman of the race. I have seldom met an Initiate in the cult of the Dog who did not confess to a preference for the popularly unpopular lady.

Further gems in the collection include the story of a dog whose extreme naughtiness prompted a name change from “Cozy” because that sounded too placid, and a recollection of impressing Thomas Hardy’s widow with accounts of psychic pooches. There’s also mention of private stories about one of their dogs, Puppet, that Violet wrote for Edith, but the latter declared “too esoteric” to print, which is really saying something.

Edith completed the manuscript mere days before her death in October 1949, ensuring a mortal account of her canine obsession was left behind before she rejoined Violet.

Mary Oliver

Beloved American poet Mary Oliver sadly became an official lesbian “of history” when
she died in January this year, aged 83. Throughout her long and successful career, Oliver’s work focused on the natural world, walking daily in the forests and beaches of Provincetown, where she lived a private and simple life.

Oliver studied at Ohio State University and Vassar, developing her passion for poetry. It was one such passion for the poet Edna St. Vincent Millay that took her off to Millay’s home in the tiny town of Austerlitz in upstate New York. It was there in the late 1950s that she met (presumably the only other gay in the village) photographer Molly Malone Cook, who would go on to become Mary’s literary agent and partner of more than 40 years.

While she lived with Molly until her death in 2005, Mary also had constant canine companionship throughout her life. References to her beloved dogs are littered throughout her many volumes of poetry and prose, so many that they got their own collection: 2013’s Dog Songs.

Each poem is a gem, capturing the small delights of human-canine interactions, from silent conversations with her dogs watching the moonrise, to cancelling work trips at their mournful howls, to playful interruptions to her tax returns. It is hard to pick out any single one, but here is Mary herself reading Little Dog’s Rhapsody in the Night:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ioTvAtNk5kg

In fitting with her beliefs on nature and wildness, Mary fervently believed that dogs should be free to roam off leash in their surroundings. Otherwise, a dog is a mere “ornament of human life.” But, unleashed: “Dog is one of the messengers of that rich and still magical first world. The dog would remind us of the pleasures of the body with its graceful physicality, and the acuity and rapture of the senses, and the beauty of forest and ocean and rain and our own breath.”

Mary also had the rare foresight to use her essay Dog Talk to list in one place every single dog she had owned (FYI I’d really recommend doing this if you ever plan on becoming a lesbian/bisexual woman of history who is obsessed with your dogs because it will make your chronicler’s life so much easier):

“Baba, Chico, Obediah, Phoebe, Abigail, Emily, Emma, Josie, Pushpa, Chester, Zara, Lucky, Benjamin, Bear, Henry, Atisha, Ollie, Beulah, Gussie, Cody, Angelina, Lightning, Holly, Suki, Buster, Bazougey, Tyler, Milo, Magic, Taffy, Buffy, Thumper, Katie, Petey, Bennie, Edie, Max, Luke, Jessie, Keesha, Jasper, Brick, Briar Rose.”

Through the poems of Dog Songs we get to learn the wild and cantankerous personalities of many of these pooches, and of their owner.

“Be prepared. A dog is adorable and noble.
A dog is a true and loving friend. A dog
is also a hedonist.”
Mary Oliver, The Wicked Smile

Oliver’s essay Winter Hours offers some of the most accessible insights into her feelings about nature (and even a little bit about her relationship with Molly). In it, she describes how after her dog Luke died, she would retrace her steps through the woods where they had walked together, covering the remains of Luke’s pawprints with bark and leaves, so she might preserve them. While a violent rainstorm finally washed those pawprints away, the vitality of life and nature that Mary Oliver captures in her poetry will leave a legacy for generations.

Because of the dog’s joyfulness, our own is increased. It is no small gift. It is not the least reason why we should honor as love the dog of our own life, and the dog down the street, and all the dogs not yet born. What would the world be like without music or rivers or the green and tender grass? What would this world be like without dogs?

The Truth About Cats and Dogs and Gay Dating

It’s a myth that all queer women own cats, but also… a lot of us do! Or dogs, or parrots, or a ferret that we co-parent with our ex. As of reader survey data in 2015, only 12% of readers didn’t have a pet and didn’t want one.

infographic created for an A+ Insider Newsletter as of 2015

The intense pet culture of many queer communities (do straight people go on first dates to the dog park? I feel like maybe they don’t?) means that often as not, a relationship with another queer human also means a relationship of some kind with their pet(s), even if you are not a pet person, per se (or not attuned to their preferred species of pet). Because historically you guys have loved it when I’ve given you advice about how to make space for an interest of your crush’s that you don’t necessarily share, we’re here today to talk about dealing with your crush’s pets, and also dealing with your own pets in the context of your crush!

Casual hookup cat culture

One thrilling and intriguing aspect of casual sex is the way that no matter how no-strings-attached you’re keeping things, some weirdly intimate things about you will be shared with the other person as a matter of course — what you keep by your bedside table, your morning routine, the fact that your cat crouches on your chest staring at your face while you sleep like a demon. There is nothing fundamentally bad about this, but if there are pet-related aspects to this, it’s polite to address them! If you have someone over, deal with your pet and maybe close the door if possible so that no one has to have your cat appear and begin batting at a strap-on. If your pet usually sleeps in your bed, maybe inform your date about this and ask if that’s okay, or if you should lovingly remove your pet from the bedroom for the night. If you are the invitee in a pet-owning home, and you know you’re going to be bothered by Fido crying all night outside the door or a guinea pig rattling its hutch, I think it is perfectly okay to be honest about that fact and respectfully call a Lyft back to your own place for the night! (I am generally in opposition to feeling any obligation to sleep over, but that is a story for another day.) “I had such a great time; it’s going to be really hard for me to sleep here; I’ll text you when I get home safely!” That’s all, you’re done.

Relatedly, if you’re going to be having hookup guests at your place and you have pets, consider keeping some over the counter allergy meds around! It’s a nice gesture!

Wooing your crush’s pet

Several years ago, professional animal trainer Mary Tully wrote this guide to getting your crush’s pet to be obsessed with you. Given that Mary and Alex have since gotten married and gotten pregnant, I feel like her advice is worth paying attention to! As she explains, for someone Very Into Their Pet (which most pet owners are!), this is a major consideration:

When I’m first dating someone, there are of course many little things that can make a big impact on my feelings about that person, like: how do they interact with their friends/family/coworkers? Do they read books? Can they cook food? Etc. But the interaction that I scrutinize the most — the one that if it doesn’t go well would stop the budding relationship dead in its tracks — is how the person I’m dating interacts with my 95 lb bear-dog, Kai.

You can’t do anything to 100% guarantee that someone’s pet will love you; pets are mercurial, much like people. You can give someone’s pet their own space and let them investigate you and get to know you in their own time, giving them as much treats and attention as they seem up for. Maybe more importantly, you can make sure your crush’s pet, and thereby your crush, doesn’t actively dislike you! Don’t get overly familiar with a pet you’ve just met or try to force affection by chasing it around or insisting on picking it up. Be respectful of your crush’s pet feelings, even if you don’t share them — opining at length about how you just don’t “get” dogs when she’s obsessed with them isn’t going to help you. Even or especially if you’re another gung-ho pet person, be chill about it — maybe actually worse than someone who doesn’t care about your pet is someone who is Much Too Much about your pet. I still haven’t forgiven the person who told me I should change my cat’s brand of food within the first 30 minutes they were ever in my apartment. If you can be approachable, open but chill, you’ll be beloved by both your crush and her pet in no time.

When two pet-owning homes become one

Only slightly less time-honored a tradition than adopting a pet together much too soon after moving in together is trying to get both of your pre-existing pets to get along after you move in together much too soon! To a certain extent, this is out of your control; you and your new girlfriend’s pets will feel however they feel about each other at the end of the day. There are, however, steps you can take to make the process as smooth as possible! If you can socialize them together before moving in as much as possible, like taking dogs to the dog park together; that’s great. If not, like socializing a dog and a cat, you can at least introduce them to the idea of the other animal by bringing over blankets or toys that smell like them to get acquainted with ahead of time. Once they’re living in the same space, they should be separated at first in different rooms or with a childgate while they get acquainted to new routines and the idea of another animal; cats should have private areas or high-up spots to retreat to so they can feel safe.

I am irredeemably allergic to a popular pet

Is it possible to functionally date as a queer woman if you’re allergic to cats? It will be annoying, but basically, yes! If you have had the misfortune to fall for someone with a pet that you’re allergic to, obviously you’re aware that there will be some irritation associated with it, but if we can accommodate eight different kinds of dietary restrictions at every social gathering as a people, you can make this work. If your person has a pet that can be left independently, like a cat, you can volunteer to have your place be the one you spend the most time at; if not, you can do your best to create a relatively pet-free space at theirs, and vacuum/change sheets and pillowcases as often as possible.

Much like love in general, there is no guarantee of success, but with some effort and dog treats, I truly believe that Mary, Alex and Kai’s reality of having beautiful couples photos taken by Robin Roemer is possible for you!

Other People’s Pets, Reviewed by Carol

I have one interest and one interest only: my Mom. Sometimes she takes me to the dog park, where I try to hang out with her, and then she drops me onto the ground and says “go make friends!” Then I hop back up onto the bench next to her, and she puts me back down again. Then she says, “you’re co-dependent and have attachment issues!” but I don’t know what that means!!!! Sometimes when we go walking I try to eat other dogs or stop people from running away by eating their sneakers, and then she says, “See, this is why I am your only friend.” And to that I say: “Exactly!!!!!!!!!!! I’m so lucky!!!”

Bandit (Owner: Eli Castle)

via okparker

Bandit is attached to his Mom, who is very pretty and also skinny and blonde like me and my Mom. So sometimes you can’t see Bandit. Bandit is very good at hiding inside his Mom but surprise everybody, I can smell Bandit!!!!!  I have a very good sense of smell, and I practice a lot on my walks, because I like to stop to smell tiny patches of cement that have nothing particularly interesting about them visible to the naked eye. Bandit is small and doesn’t try to bother me. 9/10.

Kai (Owner: Mary Tully and Alex Vega)

via alexxxvegaaa

Kai is so big! I don’t think Kai is a dog. I think Kai is maybe a horse, because she has a beautiful coat. I could ride Kai around in the meadows and be a “horse girl,” if my Mom had a horse too, but I wouldn’t want to do it alone. But also just in case I need to defend myself because Kai weighs 10x more than I, tiny Carol, weigh, which is how I ended up in my crate at Alex and Mary’s house!!! Don’t eat me! 9/10

Johnny Waffles (Owner: Robin and Carly)

via johnny waffles puppy

Johnny Waffles is a dog I can really relate to. He brings joy into the home of Carly and Robin, looks great in photographs, has a gorgeous mane, and an irrepressible spirit. I think I am a little smarter than Johnny Waffles, but also Johnny is fluffier than me. Johnny is too nice to notice that I am a bitch! 9/10.

Sam the Cat (Owner: Kristin Russo)

via kristinnoeline

Cats are mostly fine. Sam was nice and I like being in the same room as Sam. If you go to this instagram post and click to see the second image, you can see a video of me hanging out with Sam. Sam was afraid to ask me to hang out, as all animals should be! We are about the same size, but I am a dog and Sam is a cat, so I don’t know who would win a game of Parcheesi. 9/10.

Beans (@refinedbeans) (Owner: Gaby Dunn)

via refined beans

Riese always says, “you should marry Beans!” “We could have a celebrity dog wedding with Beans!” And then Gaby is like, “Beans has a crush on Cheyenne’s dog, but Cheyenne’s dog is NOT INTERESTED.” I don’t know who this girl Cheyenne is??? But I know that I am a beautiful dog, maybe the most beautiful dog of all time. One time I was at Gaby’s house and I jumped on the couch and everyone was like “Wow, Beans can’t do that.” That felt good. Another time, I was on a chair with Riese and Beans, and it was fine. Overall, Beans is a good dog because I can out-jump Beans, so he probably looks up to me. Would I marry Beans? Sure. I’m probably gay but also we’re both dogs, so who cares? 9/10

Carol (owner: Riese)

photo from private collection

The only perfect 10! If you had a dog like this why would you ever want to be around any other animals???