The Pettiest Things We’ve Been Mad at Friends For

I decided to start some drama by asking a bunch of queers to share their pettiest friendship fights. Some of the answers I got…sounded like totally legitimate reasons to hold a grudge against a friend?! But what do I know; I’m a Gemini who lives for petty disputes. Also I learned there really are a lot of you out here who have an issue with the way your friends chew. What’s going on there?

We all have our fair share of real drama, but today we’re here to discuss the little things that bring out the Petty Coopers in us all. If you’re holding a grudge for something silly, I hear you and I see you. Petty is an art form.

Queer People Share the Pettiest Reasons We’ve Been Mad at Friends

1. Buying a pair of shorts I desperately wanted after searching for the right pair for ages

2. Changing the name of our group chat to what they thought would be a good name for the group chat even though everybody liked what I had already named the group chat

3. Planning her baby shower on my birthday

4. Saying “why are we letting the barbarian talk” during D&D… reader, I was the barbarian¹

5. Not liking Claudia Winkleman

6. Not refilling the Brita²

7. Not responding when I asked to see Bottoms and then seeing it on their letterboxd a week later 😒

8. Chewing

9. Chewing loudly

10. The way she chews

11. Interrupting me

12. Not closing the Oreos properly, thus making the entire (almost brand new) container go stale

13. Making a brunch reservation at a restaurant that didn’t actually serve breakfast food at brunch, only lunch food

14. Wearing the same dress as me to a party (even though there’s no way she could have known what I was wearing)

15. Being friends with my shitty ex cuz my shitty ex has money³

16. Not watching Real Housewives of Atlanta

17. Asking me out to coffee and then taking me to a place that only had tea

18. Recommending a bad book to me⁴

19. Bringing her weird boyfriend over who picked at the blister on his foot and bled onto my floor⁵

20. Beating me at Scrabble

21. Blaming everything they do on being an Aries

22. Not being enthusiastic enough about my new cat

23. Sending me photos of their cat and wanting me to be excited about the cat even though they know I am allergic to cats

24. Naming their dog the same name as my cat

25. Picking outdoor seating even though it was super cold and saying it was okay because of heat lamps but it wasn’t, even with the heat lamps it was still really cold!

26. Driving too slow

27. Not giving me her pancake recipe

28. Telling me I drink too much seltzer

29. Taking really bad photos I’m in and then posting them!!!!!

30. Posting photos I’m not in when there were plenty of good photos to post that I was in

31. Not reading an article I sent them

32. Being vegan

33. Not believing switches exist 😡

34. The way she yawns

35. “Nothing. All my grudges are legitimate.”

¹ Unless I’m misunderstanding some nuances of D&D play and barbarian refers to a character or something…this sounds legitimate!!!!
² ALSO LEGITIMATE!!!!!!!! My friend’s husband did this in my home once, and I shall never forget.
³ Okay, truly this one sounds more than legitimate.
⁴ I would simply never forgive.
⁵ Say it with me folks: LEGITIMATE.

13 New Years Resolutions You’re Welcome To Steal

I almost never have an answer when people ask me what my New Year’s resolution is. It’s not that I’m averse to self-improvement as a concept (I promise, I’m not!), but between actually celebrating the holidays, reading a zillion books to hit my reading goal for the year, and finally getting the eight hours of sleep that I need, I run out of time to reflect and choose something that I want to change about myself. Also, if we’re being honest, I’m not entirely sold on the whole a) pick something you want to change b) share it WITH OTHERS and c) start changing that thing on the same day as everyone else. I don’t know when we normalized asking people what their worst habits are, but at some point, we did and now we do it every year! I hate it!

Anyway, even though I hate it, we live in a society and people are inevitably going to ask me what my resolution is. This year, I decided I would come prepared. I’d have a bunch of resolutions handy (in my Notes app, like a good old-fashioned celebrity apology) so that when the clock strikes midnight, I could just pick a few. Feel free to steal one of mine, because let’s be real — this list is too long.

1. Floss more. It’s the quintessential New Year’s Resolution for a reason. My dentist would probably love if I did this, and yours would too. If you already floss daily, congratulations. You’ve set an impossible standard.

2. Build a stretching practice. Looking down at my laptop to type has left me with horrendous posture, and I’m convinced that stretching will cure me. Plus, wouldn’t it be cool to be able to do a split?

3. Read more nonfiction. Not everything I read in 2024 needs to be fiction. Will it be? Probably (unless the news counts) but it’s nice to dream.

4. Alternate water and alcohol when drinking. I’m too old to get hangovers, especially ones that could be easily prevented by drinking more water.

5. Do my own nails. Gel manicures are expensive and take forever — plus the repeated UV exposure cannot be good for me. It’s time I go back to doing my own nails. They won’t be as cute, but they will be cheap.

6. Lift more, and heavier. I’ve been having this recurring dream where I do a bunch of pull-ups all at once, and I’m always so sad when I wake up and find out it was just a dream! In 2024, we are doing a pull-up. Maybe even TWO pull-ups.

7. Buy a new bra. My pandemic bralettes are not hoisting the way they used to, and it’s time for them to enter retirement. Even if they are extremely comfortable.

8. Wake up earlier. I can’t do this, but maybe you can. Best of luck.

9. Sleep with mouth tape. I’m a little scared of this one. TikTok claims that if I loosely tape my lips together before I go to sleep, I will have better sleep and a more defined jawline (two things I want). It seems improbable that mere scotch tape can replace melatonin and filler, but I honestly have nothing to lose. Except a little air, I guess.

10. Meditate. Wouldn’t it be so sexy to achieve inner peace?

11. Listen to more music. Spotify Wrapped will come for all of us, and I want to get my headstart now. Last year, I (embarrassingly) did not listen to enough minutes of music for them to assign me a city based on my listening habits. We’re not doing that this year.

12. Make my bed. Just so I can unmake it again later that same day.

13. Talk to my neighbors. I know it’s New York and we don’t talk to our neighbors, but they’re the only ones I can commiserate with about our terrible landlord. Plus, they have a cute dog.

Mo Welch’s Hybrid Documentary/Comedy Special “Dad Jokes” Contextualizes Humor in Real Time

When Mo Welch first steps on screen for her docu-special Dad Jokes, smiling mischievously, it’s as if she’s about to tell us “My name is Mo Welch, and this is Jackass.” Standing in the middle of a rural Illinois road, Mo pretends to sheepishly deliver jokes for the corn stalks and livestock to either side of her. A quick cut to her being brought out on stage in a packed venue, and I’m immediately curious about how the hell she got from there to here. Over the next hour, I will learn not only how she got from farmland to limelight, but why.

Dad Jokes is a hybrid of documentary and comedy special: A camera crew follows Mo around Illinois as she prepares to meet up with her estranged father for the first time in 20 years…but it also has jokes. In fact, I can’t think of a time where Mo wasn’t cracking a joke — a coping mechanism I know well — and here we watch as she makes  jokes about her trauma in real time, as she is experiencing it.

To me, Dad Jokes is the epitome of turning trauma into content, not unlike modern true crime documentaries or “story time” TikToks videos that serve you some of the most fucked up, hard-to-swallow truths and immediately slap you with one of the corniest jokes you’ve ever heard. Mo is either a genius for figuring out the algorithm and stretching into long-form or my brain is permanently ruined. But I mean it! As someone who watches a lot of true crime documentaries, I couldn’t help but notice the lingering sense of danger and concern for Mo as she made her way around her home state in a pick-up truck.

Perhaps it’s because she visits cemeteries and prisons or because of the stories she tells of her abusive father — or both — but I grew scared to see how the special was going to end. A lot of the comedy I write is rooted in my trauma, which of course can feel vulnerable. But to quite literally face your trauma head-on with a camera crew? That’s a level of dedication I’m not sure I’m capable of.

Not only that, but, for the most part, Mo is alone here. There are some valuable moments of her with her mother, but other than that, Mo is on this adventure alone, which I have to imagine is how she felt in the wake of escaping her father. She must have also felt the loneliness that is coming up in comedy, and especially being a woman, specifically a gay woman, in comedy. I love this juxtaposition of loneliness on the road and being absolutely surrounded by people hanging on to every word she says while she’s on stage. It’s the reality of most comics, and I’d imagine most performers, and it’s portrayed very beautifully in this special.

My favorite use of the hybrid format is that you get to hear Mo’s jokes and then get to see the reality behind them right after. This is especially cool to me now because of the current discourse in comedy about how far we can stretch the truth in order to make a joke work. It’s common to lie in comedy — to an extent. Instead of saying “Six months ago…” we might say “Yesterday.” Rather than saying “My sister’s husband’s niece’s friend,” we would just say “My niece.” What you don’t want to do is say that something horrible happened to you and have some internet sleuth pull up the receipts and catch you in a lie. In this format, Mo doesn’t have to worry about any of that. Not only is she telling the truth, but she has the b-roll footage to back it.

Another favorite moment, which I’m curious how many viewers also noticed, is when Mo enters a gas station to try to find a souvenir gift for her dad. It isn’t uncommon to see Mo in random interactions along her journey in the special, sometimes in a gas station, other times in a fast food joint, and once at a stranger’s front door. But in this particular moment, Mo picks up a pair of sports sunglasses and tries them on.

Seeing her reflection, she says, “I can tell you, with all confidence, somebody that wears these sunglasses does not have the same political views as me.”

At the time, this felt like a throwaway moment; like a jab at conservatives’ style coming from a dyke in overalls. But in the penultimate chapter of the special, when she finally reunites with her father, he is wearing a pair of those sunglasses. After seeing that call back, I knew it wasn’t just a throwaway or a jab but rather a smart way of showing us how much of a stranger this man really is to her.

In these final scenes of the special, Mo sits under a pavilion waiting for her father to show up. With her, she has a stack of large, pink index cards held together by a binder ring, containing questions to ask him. It’s unclear to me what the intention behind this prop was, but I couldn’t help but feel like it captured her stolen adolescence.

As a young girl, I would get so excited about fun colors on index cards. I loved the aesthetic of being studious more than I did the actual studying. Test preparation was really just a handwriting contest with your best friends, and school supplies shopping was never about practically, but performance. So, seeing Mo holding this relic of wanting to be prepared, wanting to do a good job, and wanting to look good doing it, too, I mourned for her childhood. Further, I mourned the effects it had on her adulthood.

With her father finally across from her, willing to answer any and all questions she may have for him in front of a camera crew, she’s a different person now. The smirk is gone, the confidence seems stripped, and in a floral dress, it’s easy to see a young girl waiting to be picked up from school by her daddy. In anticipation, my mind begins to wonder, what could she possibly want to ask him? 

All supporting context would lead me to believe she’s going to hit him hard with really dark yet sarcastic questions like, “Did your life get better or worse when your family ran away from you?” or “What’s your biggest regret in life and don’t say that tattoo!” But remember, for every heart wrenching moment of Dad Jokes, there is an equally corny followup.

So, in the moment we had all been waiting for, she asks, “Who is your number one celebrity crush?”

It felt like she was making fun of me, the viewer, for falling for a trick. As if it was preposterous of me to have believed she’d take this seriously. Truly, how could I have just watched an hour of her pranky and unserious behavior and really think she’d be earnest in the moment. Everything I had seen before that interaction, Mo’s anxiety and uncertainty, her mother’s fear, prepared me for a moment much larger than what we got.

But isn’t that the point?

Isn’t the point of stringing me along for an hour, telling me stories about the trauma she faced, to explain to me why she is the way that she is now? There are so many ways in which someone can end up after going through what Mo did. Some people have a harder time coping with the trauma and turn to drugs or alcohol until it consumes them. Others want to grow up in spite of what they experienced, and they become therapists or social workers or foster parents. Some people can’t escape the trauma and go on to inflict it onto others.

And to some people, trauma is just a thing that happened to them. I believe Mo Welch is one of those people. I don’t think she grew up to be a comic because her father was funny and she wanted to be like him in order to feel closer to him. No, her mom confirmed he wasn’t funny. I believe Mo was always funny and always wanted to be a comic, and her estrangement with her father is just one item on a list of things that gives her good material.

Mo Welch is also a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend, a cartoonist, and a comic. In the standup portion of the special, we see just how much of Mo’s material isn’t actually centered around her father. She’s written fantastic jokes about queer parenthood, scissoring, 9/11 (every great queer comic has a 9/11 joke), puberty, sex education, and so many other topics that have nothing to do with her father.

I understand why she named her docu-special Dad Jokes; it’s because of how she started out in comedy. Most of her first jokes were about her dad, or quite literally in dad-joke-format. Dad Jokes feels less of a definition or categorization of Mo’s comedy and more of an origin story. If I dare assume, this experiment she did with her father will help her move on from her original dad jokes and usher in a new era of material for her. In fact, I think it will give her permission to move on now that she’s put herself out there and done something scary for herself.

I’m excited to see what that new era might be, and how, if at all, her learnings from this adventure will inform her new material. Maybe she’ll get new inspiration from raising her kid and release her second special, Mom Jokes.

23 Low Stakes Personal Growth Milestones I Accomplished in 2023

Another year, another opportunity for personal growth. Did I change as a person this past year? Yeah, I think so! I had some rough months in there, but I also had some really great ones. Anyway, I’m not ready to get actually introspective and serious about the past year, so here are some low stakes things I accomplished and think I deserve kudos for.

1. Didn’t rewatch Sharp Objects.
   I did have to go back into my memory archives and past text messages to make sure this was true, but it WAS. Proud of me but also…Jan 1, might start a rewatch of Sharp Objects…
2. Successfully transitioned my hair from a side part to a middle part. 
   This was directly inspired by the feature film M3GAN.
3. Planned a wedding and didn’t lose my mind.
   Okay, this one was high stakes, and also I co-planned it with my lovely fiancée Kristen.
4. Got a cat and gave him an esoteric name instead of naming him after a famous white lady like I used to do with pets.
   While Laura Dern would have been a really cute cat name, you just can’t trust any celebrities these days, and I think Timmy Tomato is a VERY CUTE NAME.
   
5. Trained my cat to sit on command.
6. Trained my cat to be obsessed with me.
7. Started drinking more still water instead of only sparkling water.
   “Dentists” say this is “good for you.”
8. Went to the dentist not once but TWICE.
9. Turned 31.
   Sorry if you think AGING isn’t an ACCOMPLISHMENT. That seems AGIST of YOU.
10. Purchased 10 taxidermied gator heads.
    This was for the aforementioned wedding planning. And if you’re still confused, I cannot help you.
    
11. Became really obsessed with learning about Florida history and queer history in particular.
    Sorry this is an earnest one!
12. Perfected my carnitas recipe.
13. Drank less coffee.
    Jk, this didn’t happen. Can you IMAGINE?
14. Learned how to wear contacts.
    It took a while, but we got there eventually!
15. Got really good at bowling.
    Also I learned I’m best at bowling when MAD.
    
16. Started liking birds more (kind of).
    All birds used to be enemies, but we’re working on repairing that relationship.
17. Started traveling with band-aids at all times after 30 years of being blister-prone.
    And by “blister-prone” I probably mean I just wear the “wrong” footwear to every function.
18. Made an impulsive trip to attend my friend’s 30th bday.
    Yes, this actually counts as positive personal growth and not a regression to the chaos of my twenties because I think friendship is IMPORTANT and should be PRIORITIZED.
19. Finally bought the Trader Joe’s sardine tote that for many months I said “that’s so cute” @ every time I shopped at Trader Joe’s.
20. Got to inbox zero like one time.
    It lasted less than 48 hours, but still.
21. Attempted more baking projects even though I am bad at baking and don’t like being bad at things.
22. Went off grid once.
    I’m not really an off grid girly but it was indeed thrilling to be “unplugged” ugh.
23. Finally found a go-to Indian takeout spot after moving.
    It’s the most important milestone when moving to a new city!!!!!

6 Queer Comedy Specials That Will Restore Your Faith in the Craft

As a standup comic, I am first and foremost a fan of comedy. So, when white, cis-het, ignorant men like Matt Rife besmirch the craft with jokes about domestic violence, excessive crowd work clips, and substanceless stage presence, I have no choice but to step in. I did not spend my childhood glued to my TV on Saturday nights and my late teen years getting sexually harassed – I mean, working – at a comedy club just for a bunch of losers to pronounce comedy dead by wokeness. Here’s a pro tip: If you hear a comic complaining about people being “too woke” to laugh at jokes these days, what they mean is they (or their ghost writer) are shit at writing jokes.

If the crowd work comedian siege on the internet wasn’t enough to radicalize you, perhaps the list of nominees for the very first Golden Globes stand-up specials category will. On this list is Ricky Gervais, who uses the “r” slur when referring to terminally ill children in his nominated special; Amy Schumer, proud Islamophobe and joke stealer; and Sarah Silverman, who recently got too high and defended genocide on Instagram (oops!). It’s such a shame comedy is finally getting the attention it deserves at award shows and we’re kicking it off with such a mess of a nominee list. Thankfully, Wanda Sykes, Chris Rock, and Trevor Noah’s specials were also nominated, giving good comedy a fighting chance.

Still, there remains a discrepancy between the public’s perception of modern comedy and the comedy that gives me child-like joy to consume. The difference, I have concluded, is the lack of visibility for diverse comics, and specifically queer and trans comics of color. In an attempt to bridge this gap that leaves me oh so frustrated, and to defend the sanctity of stand up comedy, I have put together a list of queer comedy specials available to stream. You’re welcome.

Wanda Sykes: I’m an Entertainer (2023) on Netflix

Wanda Sykes came out swinging at all of the absurd cultural moments we’ve experienced since her last special in 2019, including the pandemic, the January 6th insurrection, Black Lives Matter, and the rise of the Renaissance Faire (and no, not Beyoncé’s tour). As always, Sykes treats us to hilarious takes on things we don’t even think twice about and deliciously silly physical comedy.

Robin Tran: Don’t Look at Me (2022) on Youtube

When people complain that comedians can’t talk about sensitive topics anymore without getting canceled, I show them Robin Tran. Don’t Look at Me, and the rest of Tran’s comedy, is a masterclass in how to write smart, critical jokes about gender, sexuality, politics, and… Christopher Nolan films.

Jerrod Carmichael: Rothaniel (2022) on MAX

Charmichael’s third special is a beautifully intimate confessional, both to his audience and himself, providing him the opportunity to come out in front of a live audience. Rothaniel is the antithesis of a crowd work clip in that he uses audience interaction as a way to explore – and not create – moments of tension on stage.

Joel Kim Booster: Pyschosexual (2022) on Netflix

Pyschosexual is another great example of a comic using crowd work to elevate their comedy rather than mine for viral moments while on stage. Booster wants his comedy to be digestible for all demographics, not just the ones he is a part of. To help keep himself true to his goal, he selects a straight white dude from the audience to check-in on throughout the show.

Sunny Laprade: Queer Enough (2022) on Youtube

Sunny Laprade started doing stand up when she was 15 years old and filmed her debut special, Queer Enough, by 21 as part of her undergraduate degree. Performing to an audience, which included some of her classmates and school faculty, Laprade opens her set with a circumcision joke and closes it with one about 9/11.

Matteo Lane: Hair Plugs and Heartache (2023) on Youtube 

Hair Plugs and Heartache is self-deprecating humor perfected, proving that there is a right way to use the “f” slur in comedy.

25 Things To Do if You Need a Break From Your Family This Holiday Weekend

Holigays 2023

I am not here to judge or question why you might need a little me time over the next few days if you are gay, tired, and dealing with family members who are varying degrees of unsupportive of you and your life. I am simply here to suggest some things you can do to get away for an hour or two.

1. Make a list of everyone who has ever wronged you.
2. Reach out to other homos home for the holidays in distress and organize a Zoom reading with them of the poems you wrote as a teen.
   Please don’t try to say you didn’t write poetry as a teen…I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.
3. Research paranormal mysteries online.
4. Spam your group chat with selfies edited to have 2010-2014 era tumblr aesthetics.
5. Roll a pair of dice and use the results to determine what episode of The L Word to rewatch.
6. Read Bram Stoker’s Dracula.
   Idk, just seems like people would probs leave you alone.
7. Summon a demon from the underworld.
   I don’t know where one begins this journey, but perhaps at your local library. Support your local library!
8. Go down a social media rabbit hole trying to figure out what your favorite high school English teacher is up to.
   I hope Ms. Smith is thriving!
9. Suggest a game night and then cheat in such obvious ways that you get banned from playing so you can go do your own thing.
   This is for those of you who might need a more elaborate ruse to get away.
10. Make a goth gingerbread house.
11. Cultivate an aura of mystery so thick that literally no one knows what to talk to you about.
12. Befriend the demon from the underworld you summoned.
13. Listen to the score from The Hours on repeat.
    Someone should do a psychological study on why I literally am always doing this.
14. Invite your childhood crush over and ask if they want to play Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board.
15. Research time travel and become overwhelmed by paradoxes.
16. Invent a new sea creature and convince someone it’s real.
17. Memorize a Shondaland monologue.
18. When someone asks you what you’ve been up to, respond with the entire plotline of the feature film Mamma Mia! (2008)
19. Do…whatever it is the person in this stock image is doing.
    
    
20. Make a hat from recycled goods.
    I have no idea what this might entail or what kind of hat one can even make, but it seems like it would take up a lot of time and energy so seems like a good redirection.
21. Have a dramatic friendship breakup with the demon from the underworld you summoned.
    And then write a letter to an advice column asking for help about the situation.
22. Make an upsetting collage.
23. Rewrite the lyrics to a pop song to be about your favorite soup.
24. Propose marriage to the moon.
25. Figure out how to re-banish the demon from the underworld you summoned if it isn’t too late.

Did you do any of these activities? Let me know in the comments! And let me know if you know how to banish a demon from the underworld for no particular reason hahAha!

I Think I Accidentally Bought My Fiancée a Haunted Music Box for Christmas

Holigays 2023

There I was, casually scrolling eBay and Etsy in search of clown antiques, as one does…wait, you DON’T do that? Okay, my bad, I thought we were living in the Clown Era. I thought we were, as a community, ready to add a C to LGTBQIA for clown. Okay, fine, maybe I a little biased because I’m soon marrying a queer author whose next novel is going to be about a lesbian clown. And maybe I have been looking at clown antiques more than usual because of said impending nuptials with a clown-appreciating freak. And maybe JUST MAYBE I thought a vintage clown music box that inexplicably plays “Memories” from the musical Cats would be a very romantic gift to give said freak this holiday season.

You know, the thought did occur to me as I pressed purchase on the vintage clown music box that inexplicably plays “Memories” from the musical Cats that it could be a haunted artifact. It contained several potential haunted artifacts wrapped into one: a porcelain clown, a mirror, and a music box. I am no stranger to the dangers of haunted figures. But the potential for a haunting also promised a little bonus, a gift within a gift. Perhaps it would lead to wonderfully macabre stories my partner and I could share. Perhaps we’d strike up a friendly rapport with a ghost, as we briefly did when a decanter on our bar cart was seemingly haunted by an elderly couple who liked to announce happy hour every evening with the clink of their glasses (true story, btw).

Well, apparently the the vintage clown music box that inexplicably plays “Memories” from the musical Cats was so haunted that it never even made it under the tree. My sister texted me yesterday with a photo of a package delivered in my name, asking if it was indeed fragile like the label on it said, since it arrived looking like this:

“Looks like it was chewed by a dog and then ran over,” my sister said. I asked her to open the package to see if it was at all salvageable, even though she warned me she could hear broken glass clattering inside. I thought perhaps a bit of superglue could repair it, add a bit of character. She opened it to find this:

Far past the point of repair and beyond recognition, the vintage clown music box that inexplicably plays “Memories” from the musical Cats was in no condition to gift to my beloved. It was supposed to look like this:

“Literally looks like paranormal damage,” my sister texted. I wondered if perhaps a neighborhood dog could sense the horrors it contained and attacked the package or if the music box had started playing phantomly, spooking the mail person to the point they had to smash it repeatedly with a heavy boot. I suppose I should feel grateful, should assume someone or something else interfered so that my fiancée would not befall some horrible fate at the hands of the vintage clown music box that inexplicably plays “Memories” from the musical Cats. 

But I am sad, I’ll admit. A haunted gift is the gift that keeps on giving. And I fear I’ll never find a clown artifact as gloriously spooky and lovely as this one, certainly none that is a crossover between clowns and Cats, which felt exceptionally fitting as we adopted a cat together this fall. Ah, well, there’s always next Christmas.

Sam Reece on Shitty Craft Club, Coming Out, and What She Shares With Jenny Schecter

Feature image of Sam Reece for Shitty Craft Club by Lizzie Darden

Sam Reece is a comedian, writer, and actor best known for her viral moments on TikTok about her crafting hobby and subsequent book, Shitty Craft Club. Sam’s book is the whimsical intersection of her passion for creation and abandonment of perfectionism. When someone goes viral as frequently as Sam does, they have a decision to make: go big or go home. After chatting with Sam for the better part of an hour, I learned that she doesn’t do anything small, from beads to bits to book tours.

Reading Shitty Craft Club forced me to revisit my own coming out, ten years after the realization first settled in. It was refreshing to read a self-proclaimed “late in life” queer coming out story that didn’t feel so much solved as it did a work-in-progress, much like the accompanying crafts. There’s a sense of forgiveness sprinkled throughout, whether it’s for making necessary, selfish choices or for not totally knowing who you are or for not having all the right materials for the assignment, in which case… use trash!

We discussed the necessity of queer representation, separating work from passion (spoiler alert: Sam can’t), and New Jersey corn.

Motti: What’s the gayest craft you’ve ever made?

Sam: I guess that could mean so many things. They’re all pretty gay because I’m making them. They’re all sparkly rainbow. It’s probably this basketball because this year my partner and I have gotten really into women’s sports, specifically soccer.

Motti: Soccer is the gateway – the weed – of sports for gay women.

Sam: That’s very true, yes. You’re like, ”This is nice, I’ll try it again” and now we have season tickets.

Motti: I love all the attention that women’s sports is getting. There’s this huge thing happening for New York Liberty where all of my friends are going and I’m wondering, “How do I become a Liberty influencer?”

Sam: How would you feel if you were sitting court side and then they put you on the Jumbotron with “TikTok Influencer” under your face?

Motti: I’d much rather it say “Dyke” if I’m honest.

Sam: I know that well. People don’t know my name, they just know me as Shitty Craft or That Woman Who Does Stuff with Beads. I’ve gotten spotted on the streets twice from a person riding by on a bike… which is hilarious. Most people are like, “Shitty Crafts?” and I say, “Sam, yes.”

Motti: Do you hate that?

Sam: No, I love it. I think it’s funny and charming. People are always super nice. The scariest one was probably at a boygenius concert.

Motti: (laughs) I’ve also been recognized at a boygenius concert.

Sam: It was a pack of Gen Z’s and they were yelling, “You’re the woman who glues beads to stuff online!”

Motti: Mine’s usually “You’re the one who was teaching people about scissoring!” I guess at the end of the day, you and I are both scissoring on TikTok, just in different ways.

Sam: And wouldn’t you know, that’s on the cover of my book!

Motti: I love the book. I loved the stages of coming out. First, it’s, “What’s going on?” Then it’s bisexual to lesbian–

Sam: And back again.

Motti: You threw in a little Meredith Grey reference in there. How did you watch Grey’s Anatomy and not know you were gay?

Sam: (laughs) It’s so incredibly gay. It’s filled with friendship breakups. I just watched The L Word last year for the first time.

Motti: How was it?

Sam: It was great! I loved it. It’s so funny because my real last name is Schecter and I have this little nameplate necklace. When I wear it, certain people will think I’m a big Jenny Schecter fan.

Motti: That’s scary.

Sam: It’s one of those things where I look back on so many moments of my life and I think… I knew the whole time I just had no reference for it. I had no media representation of what a lesbian is. I didn’t know any. I was in musical theater and still didn’t know because it’s mostly gay men. I’m really in a place now where I need to get to know more queer media, and read more about queerness. I’m still on a journey.

Motti: Autostraddle has it all. If you type in “Lesbian TV” in the search bar, you’ll find some really good gems in there.

Sam: That’s great. I haven’t even seen some of the absolute queer canon of movies. What’s the one with Cate Blanchett?

Motti: It’s awful and I hate it. Carol.

Sam: Carol!

Motti: I just think we can stop making period pieces for lesbians. Can we just exist in 2023? Stop stringing along this young woman! You’re married! Well, you’ve never seen it.

Sam: I’ll do my research.

Motti: Okay, do your own research.

I loved the moment in your book when you said you broke up with a man the moment he woke up in your bed. I could relate to that.

Sam: It’s so interesting that there’s a certain point where your body rejects it.

Motti: Okay… musical theater, comedy, writing, crafts, events, hosting. Which is your favorite?

Sam: I’m always going to love performing comedy. There’s something so magical about it. I perform with my best friend, Becky, and we’ve been writing partners for about ten years. We have so much fun together.

Motti: I have to imagine that a lot of it overlaps for you so you don’t really have to pick a favorite anyway.

Sam: That’s actually something I was struggling with a little bit over this past year because I was so intent on comedy being my career. Then, when Shitty Craft Club started, I thought… “Oh this is really fun,” but I had to keep them separate. I don’t know why in my head I thought they were different, even though making TikTok videos is comedy, and then I edit them to be comedy, so there’s so much overlap.

I went to school for musical theater and then I decided I didn’t want to do that anymore. But Beck and I do musical comedy… so all of these things are woven together but I had a hard time thinking of it like that. It’s taken a lot of really intentional thought to understand that it’s okay to do all of these things professionally and passionately. I always make everything part of my career, it can never just be a hobby, you know?

Motti: You experienced the nine to five burnout really bad… but now your job is twenty-four seven. Do you prefer that?

That’s what happens when you take it from your hobby to this and you become your own boss and your all these things.

Sam: It’s really hard to take a weekend or go on vacation. I just decided to start a sticker shop because I became an iPad kid this year, and I have not prepared for it. Now, I’m always packing and shipping things – which is something I never wanted to do — and I realized I was too scared to do it. Twenty-four seven is okay to me because I think if I had a boss telling me what to do I would have a mental breakdown.

Not to say that I won’t be able to do it ever again but on a long term basis, it’s not something I’m interested in anymore.

Motti: I love that this is your life and your career as a Virgo. I would expect this career path and lifestyle from a Sagittarius but it shocks me as a Virgo.

Sam: I’m also Gemini rising, so it might be a little bit of that. I think there are so many things that have to be very organized and a certain way for me, but I think part of this whole process with the book and with the craft club has really helped me loosen that up a little bit and let myself be a little messy.

Which is terrifying, but there have been some really nice moments that have allowed me to try something new. For instance, I got into collaging a lot recently because I made a collage for a magazine. I thought of it as my first time making a collage as if I didn’t include a collage with every journal entry in college.

I feel like maybe being a perfectionist has made it so hard to come out. I thought, if I can’t do it perfectly, if I can’t be a perfect gay person, I don’t want to do it. It took me a while to even work through that.

That’s probably why a year into the Shitty Craft Club I was able to finally think about what was going on with me, and how I wanted to express myself. Even still, I’m worried that I don’t look gay enough. I’m just trying to be my most authentic self and that is enough and so I encourage anyone to just accept themselves as they are.

Motti: If it helps for you to know, you look really gay.

Sam: YES! Thank you!

Motti: Not that gay looks like anything… but you have gay face.

Sam: Thank you. That means a lot.

Motti: Talk to me about corn.

Sam: I bought the corn stool. (leaning off camera) Can you see it?

Motti: Yeah.

Sam: Growing up in New Jersey, I haven’t seen this since, but everyone in my neighborhood would put these decorative corn stalks on either side of their door.

Motti: We had that, too!

Sam: The corn stool was just so funny and delightful to me. From there, I made a sparkling corn – I don’t even remember – it was just funny to me. And charming. There’s something charming about corn, maybe.

Motti: Why do you think that is?

Sam: I think it’s representative of me feeling special on the inside, but scared to come out of my little husk. I don’t know. Who fucking knows. Now people send me corn things all the time. I have a corn bookmark and someone gave me a corn keychain. I started a discord for Shitty Craft Club and I had to start a whole corn channel because we had to start putting the corn stuff somewhere else.

Motti: (laughs) That’s so funny. I love it. What are other big dreams that you have for Shitty Craft Club? Are you starting a cult? Going international?

Sam: That’s a great question. Right now, I have a lot of fun ideas that I’m excited about. I’m always at this transitional point where I have no idea what’s going to happen but I’m going to follow what is fun and exciting. Maybe some sort of visual podcast because when I was on the book tour, I learned that you’re supposed to have these conversations where you beg a famous person to ask you questions about your book at Barnes & Noble.

My version of that was asking other comedians or artists to have an “In Craftersation” instead of “In Conversation,” where I made them craft while we talked. I got to talk to Jo Firestone, Chelsea Devantez, Jamie Loftus. It was so fun and I thought, “I would like to be doing more of this.”

I never thought of myself as somebody who would be interested in hosting these types of discussions because I’ve always worked as groups or duos. So, I was surprised that it really delighted me. I’m going to pursue that, but if anyone internationally wants to fly me out…

Follow Sam Reece and Shitty Craft Club on TikTok. 

My Christmas Ornaments, Ranked by Lesbianism

Holigays 2023

It was recently brought to my attention that our Christmas tree is “very gay” and apparently not JUST because of the DIY Cate Blanchett ornament on it. One of my favorite things about starting to do Christmas was my now-fiancée was merging our ornament collections — a strange mix of childhood trinkets, inherited retro family pieces including some crafted by my mother, and gifts we’ve both received through the years. Now, we’ve started collecting some together, too. We’re in the market for tomato ornaments in honor of our new cat Timmy Tomato, so let me know if you see any cute ones.

16. Owl

Owls are the most lesbian bird of prey imo.

15. Hot Dog

Admittedly the most lesbian thing about this one is that I am a lesbian and I love hot dogs, but we’re rolling with it. I really, really love hot dogs!

14. Hedgehog in Hat

That’s a queer elder.

13. Dorinda Shouting I MADE IT NICE

This one’s for the Bravo Dykes. Dorinda’s iconic “I MADE IT NICE” moment is very relatable to me, a lesbian aspiring dream hostess of elaborate dinner parties.

12. Two Luanns

Luann de Lesseps may be “straight,” but I think TWO LuAnns makes it gay. (I was gifted the same ornament by two different people.)

11. Santa Topper

The Santa on top of our tree is a distinguished butch top.

10. Garlic

The most important ingredient in my lesbian kitchen.

9. Cate Blanchett

Listen, she gets docked some points for not being gay but rather a straight who loves to play gay, but the ornament earns some points back due to its origin story: I made it for my ex after we saw Carol but then reclaimed it in the breakup as my own.

8. Groundhog in Scarf

This is a dyke who lives in the Midwest. She knows how to split wood and play cribbage.

7. Glitter Tow Truck

This belongs to the glitter-loving butch you know who loves to help out their friends in style. They also have a custom neon-colored tool box.

6. Princess Leia

The gayest part of this ornament is that I bought it for myself when I was a teen and was obsessed with it, displaying it year-round in my room. In many ways, closeted me was the gayest version of me.

5. Assorted Photo Ornaments of Me and My Fiancée and Our Dog

Sorry to be CORNY and IN LOVE but I order a photo ornament every year for my fiancée featuring the pic that also goes on our holiday card this year. I have one for each year we’ve been together except the first because we couldn’t spend Christmas together that year as we were still long distance. It’s always a whole ordeal to snap the pic because we have to get the elderly dog to cooperate, and the lighting in our home never quite seems right, but they turn out cute in the end! We’re not doing a holiday card this year, but I’ll still be ordering one using one of our engagement photos because I want to keep our tradition going.

4. Pregnant Kangaroo Couple

I do think these MOM TO BE and DAD TO BE kangaroos were intended to be hetero, but they both appear…to have pouches? So I think this might actually be a butch/femme couple carrying each other’s eggs OR two gender-nonconforming parents to be who are wearing the shirts ironically.

3. Tin of Anchovies

I strongly identify as a Tinned Fish Lesbian, and my best friend Becca has been gifting me seafood ornaments lately because she thinks I should have a seafood-themed tree one year. For additional context, my mother is the queen of a specific-themed Christmas tree. One year, she did a “technology tree,” which was decorated with old chargers and other technology devices. I come from a legacy of themed trees.

2. Oyster

She’s homoerotic; she’s an aphrodisiac; she’s perhaps the most gorgeous ornament I currently own and therefore deserves such a high ranking.

1. The Hotel Room Key from My First Date With My Fiancée

Yes, our first “date” was in the Manhattan Ace Hotel. It was also our first time meeting in person. I kept the room key because I had a feeling it wouldn’t be the last time we saw her, and I was already sensing a deeper connection. I’m glad I had the instinct to do so, because now I get to have an ornament to permanently celebrate our steamy first weekend together.

Getting High With Jes Tom: Talking Comedy, Transmasculinity, and Taylor Swift

Feature image of Jes Tom by Gonzalo Marroquin/WireImage via Getty Images

Jes Tom is a comedian and writer best known for their off-Broadway solo show Less Lonely and writing on the gay pirate show Our Flag Means Death. They’re a trans elder in the Brooklyn comedy scene – not because of their age – but because they’ve been doing this thing so damn long and so damn well. To the uninitiated, yes, Jes is that hot twink in those Gucci photos with Elliot Page.

I arrived at Jes’ garden apartment just as they were getting ready to take their testosterone shot, so I waited for them on the couch as Andre 3000’s new flute album, New Blue Sun, played from a bluetooth speaker on the coffee table. On their floor were production equipment cases from various TV networks and an open suitcase; a glimpse of the bicoastal, on-the-go lifestyle I had known Jes to be living this year. “Living the dream,” some would call it.

They came back, took out a bag of California weed, called themselves a snob for wanting to smoke it over the bodega bud I’d brought, and ground it as they told me what it was like to be misgendered in both directions at their grandmother’s recent memorial service, amongst other things.

We discussed turning heartbreak into content for Less Lonely, emailing Elliot Page, and – for fuck’s sake – Taylor Swift.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Jes: I’m not really a gender euphoria person. I just do my little thing and people around me respond however they will.

Motti: It doesn’t make or break your day?

Jes: Certainly not my whole day. There’s something really fun and funny about somebody seeing me talk for 10 minutes and thinking, “That’s a regular guy! That’s a normal guy who I have no questions about.” Then, two seats over there’s someone who’s fully thinking, “That’s an adult woman! A regular woman and we have no questions about her either. So beautiful and we watched her grow up so normally. She looks exactly regular.”

Motti: (laughs) It doesn’t make or break mine, either. Only if I get “ma’am”ed and that’s because I’m… twenty-seven. I’m still my mom’s daughter and my nieces and nephews aunt because that is the role that I play there. But I don’t want to ever be someone’s uncle.

Jes: Uncle is such a hard one. They’re bad shoes to fill. I believe that all of that stuff can fluctuate and change over time and it can change again. I feel similarly about that and once I started taking hormones and medically transitioning, that changed how I felt about certain things. The Jessica of it all. In my family, I’m the weird one–

Motti: Because you’re a professional comedian?

Jes: Because I’m a comedian and because I’ve been some kind of queer my whole life. Since I was 14, I’ve always had weird hair and I had an eyebrow piercing. If I would shave my head or get tattoos, people would just say “There you go doing another thing that we don’t really get but that’s fine.” Which is amazing. Lots of people don’t get that.

(At this point in the conversation, I had gotten so high that my entire left leg fell asleep.)

Motti: What’s it like then, being public and speaking publicly about transitioning if it’s not spoken about at home? Does your family have a Google Alert for you?

Jes: I don’t think my family knows what Google Alert is. It’s super weird because they come to see my show sometimes, so my mom learns a lot about me from my comedy. When I did an earlier version of Less Lonely in San Francisco, afterwards, my mom immediately said, “T-M-I.”

Motti: What’s been the life cycle of Less Lonely? When did it start?

Jes: I’ve been developing Less Lonely for two years now. Maybe even a little longer than that. It’s changed a lot and it’s been through a few life cycles at this point because in the beginning, there’s a relationship I talk about. A polyamorous relationship that I was in when I started doing the show. So the theme of the show was this idea of looking for love at the end of the world or looking for the person you die with. In the beginning, it was about having found that person. That’s what I had thought.

And then, of course, we broke up. The show had to change and at the same time, I was transitioning, I was taking hormones, my sexuality changed, and my whole life was changing. I had to shift the show to match that. The latest update is that my grandmother died in the past year and I felt really changed by that. That’s the thing about standup – it’s always changing with whatever you’re going through at the time.

Motti: Is it still about finding love at the end of the world?

Jes: That’s still the narrative arc. It really started in the beginning as this romantic puff piece, almost born out feeling so happy that I had to go and tell everyone.

Motti: Did you regret that at all when you broke up?

Jes: (laughs) I’m curious to see how this will reflect on me – especially in a queer publication – but this is not the first time I’ve done a breakup comedy show. I feel very Taylor Swift in that way.

Motti: (sighs)

Jes: (doubling down) I’ll go through a big breakup and it really galvanizes me creatively. I’m like… “Look what’s gonna happen,” I become really shiny; everybody’s thinking, “Oh this one’s about that person, this one’s about that person.” I really identify with Taylor Swift.

I love Taylor Swift’s body of work and I think I’m more familiar with her greater body of work than I am a lot of other artists. I really identify with her music and her Sagittarian-ism but the second I see her in a video, I’m like, “Oh, that’s a white woman.”

But I identify with her strongly and deeply as a Sagittarius. I identify a lot with the ways that she seems to make art out of deeper things.

Motti: Do you think it’s petty at all to make a lot of your art about your ex or do you think that’s just what being an artist is?

Jes: You know, I think it’s petty. I think Sagittariuses can be really petty but in the way where you still like them.

Motti: What was the moment that you knew you wanted to create Less Lonely? Did you have a really solid set you wanted to develop or…?

Jes: Less Lonely is my second hour. The first time I ever did an hour was for Break Out at Caroline’s… which, Caroline’s doesn’t even exist anymore. It was my first hour so it was sort of… here’s all of my material. Less Lonely was my first time actually trying to create a narrative, complete piece.

(Here, Jes gets up off the couch to turn on a lava lamp behind us.)

Motti: Tell me about Elliot Page. Is it an I-met-Elliot-Page-I’m-never-going-to-fail situation?

Jes: (taking a deep breath) It’s awesome.

Motti: How did it come about that he’s presenting Less Lonely?

Jes: Elliot and I know each other through Mae Martin and it was sort of a trans magic thing. Before, it seemed as though we were from totally separate worlds. Then, he came out and it was like, “You’re trans, I’m trans. Now we know each other.” It’s really awesome because he was so influential to me growing up.

I met Elliot because we both saw Mae’s hour, SAP, when they performed it in New York. It was a huge week of queer comedy hours because I saw Mae’s hour the same week I saw Hannah Gadsby’s Body of Work, which later became Something Special on Netflix at Brooklyn Arts Museum. Then, at the end of the week, I performed Less Lonely at The Bell House. I was like, “How cool is it that I’m part of this lineage that’s happening?” and I invited Elliot but he had a date. After my show, Mae invited a bunch of us out to karaoke – so I went straight from my show to karaoke.

I didn’t have anyone presenting the show yet and I took a shot in the dark. I emailed Elliot a video and said, “Hey, this is crazy, but would you check out this video and present it for this short run off-Broadway. I think it’s a cool show and I hope you think it’s good too.”

I waited a week with bated breath. We were coming up on when we had to announce – to get the tickets on sale – then he emailed back and he said something really nice.

(Jes bravely checks their phone for the email, despite not liking to look at screens while they’re high.)

Motti: What is the role of presenting? Is it an endorsement or…?

Jes: It’s kind of just that.

Motti: That’s cool. Has he given you any notes?

Jes: Does Elliot Page give me notes? (laughs) Elliot has not given me any notes but I would be open to hearing them.

Motti: I would love it if he was punching up your jokes. That would be really funny.

Jes: I don’t know that he’s the type.

Motti: He comes off as very polite.

Jes: He’s a sweetheart. He’s a really really good guy.

(Jes finally gives up on looking for the email from Elliot.)

Jes: No… I’m not going to find it.

Motti: That’s fine.

Jes: Now I’m high and looking for an email.

Motti: Would you say that the moral of the story is that we should email our trans heroes?

Jes: I think the moral of the story is to ask for what you want and to ask for it only when you have something you think is ready. Which is funny, because now that clip I emailed to Elliot was several versions of Less Lonely ago. I don’t even do that part anymore.

The show has really grown up with me and I’ve grown and changed so much over the past three years. I feel like I’m ten years older – like I’m a hundred years older – and the early versions of the show presented this starry eyed, naive, romantic point of view. As it changed, there started to be more material about my sexuality changing and hooking up with all these gay guys. My life is totally different now.

My grandmother dying was my first time somebody really close to me died. She was my last grandparent. It ushered me into this new era of my life and I think the show reflects that. It’s less about a great, romantic love story where I’m searching for the love of my life and more about asking the question, “What is love?”

Motti: Did any part of you want to change the title of the show when the material changed?

Jes: You know… the show is called Less Lonely and I hope that’s how it makes people feel. I’ve always felt that way about it and I feel that way about my comedy in general, especially as a queer person and as a queer person of color blah blah blah. That’s what I hope I can give to people.

Motti: You felt similarly about your experience in the Our Flag Means Death writers’ room, yes?

Jes: It was a really cool room for me to join and be like, “Oh, look at all of us! We’re from all these different perspectives. We’re all different ages, all different ethnic backgrounds. There wasn’t only one nonbinary person or one queer person, and there were other queer people in the room too. It was really cool to share that credit with Nat Torres.

It’s a fun show to write for– I got to write a really exciting episode. I learned that I really like to write. I wrote a sword fight scene… no spoilers! It was my first time writing for TV so it was cool watching it later and being like, “Wow, that did happen exactly how we said it would. That’s so crazy.”

It’s been cool to see how much people like the show. Something really, really cool about that was that I knew for sure that people were going to see it. You know? People like it.

Motti: (nods enthusiastically)

Jes: In this day and age, unfortunately, people put so much work into shows and then not that many people see them–

Motti: Or they don’t even get released!

Jes: Right, totally. Or the studio can scrap it after you’ve worked on it. So, it was cool to look at Twitter when the episode came out and see everybody react.

(It’s at this moment that I notice the intricate crown molding design on the wall opposite the couch and compliment Jes as if they carved it themself. From here, we drift into a conversation about interior design, settling into Brooklyn apartments, and I guess drywall and plaster? Eventually, we landed on the topic of astrology and gave up on recording once Jes took my phone in their hands to look at my CoStar app and analyze my birth chart. They said a lot about it that I don’t remember, but I did appreciate that they validated how hard it must be for me as a Leo Sun, Scorpio Moon, Scorpio Rising, Cancer Venus and Cancer Mars. The rest is between me, Jes, and the California weed.)

Jes Tom’s solo show Less Lonely is running November 28, 2023 – January 6, 2024 at Greenwich House Theater, NYC. The second season of Our Flag Means Death is now streaming on Max.

The Game of Life, But Make It Queer

Picture this. We’re gathered for our usual Sunday night queer family dinner. We all stuffed our faces with various quinoa salads and homemade gluten-free baked goods and someone whipped out the hard kombucha. We’re all digesting, slumped on the couch, wondering what game to play since Sunday nights are always game nights. Instead of reaching for some tired classics, I throw The Game of Life on the coffee table. Sure, it’s usually based on a heterosexual version of life. But, for the first time in boardgame history, it’s not. It’s The Game of (Queer) Life that I, Em, have created for all of us to play.

Setup 

As far as the setup goes, we still have the board with a beginning, ending, winding pathways, and that fun spinny thing in the middle. We’ll keep the cars, but make them Priuses with five slots for the stick people instead of four, because you can always fit more people in the car. Instead of the outrageously gendered people pegs, we have a pile of genderless multi-colored people-like pegs to represent us humans, and you can change them along the way. Then, there’s a pile of various animals on little pegs. Those will be the animals we adopt along the way (in addition to children if we choose) or any other type of companion we decide to bring aboard, like chosen family and friends.

Money

None of us like capitalism, so why use real money! Instead of dishing out 10K bills and investing in stocks or paying the bank, we’re using emotional credits! Yeah, sure, it functions just like capitalism, but I honestly don’t have the brain capacity to think of an entire new system of economic and social functioning just for a game. So, emotional credits and trading/gathering it is!

Additionally, you’ll have “skills” cards. You can pull six cards and choose three. These will be in handy when you need work done on the apartment, a dog sitter, or a haircut. You can trade one of your skills for another player’s and do mutually beneficial skill exchanges. Skills include car expertise, handiwork, haircutting, makeup, baking, cooking, therapeutic listening, directional aptitude, herb specialization, agricultural knowledge, etc.

College or Career? 

I feel like the default setup of choosing the college or career path is still pretty fitting. If you choose a career, you have a variety of gay jobs to choose from including hair stylist, farmer, non-profit manager, therapist, OBGYN, sex coach, construction worker, sex worker, spiritual leader, podcaster, TikTok lesbian, and astronaut. If you choose college, you’ll still owe emotional credits to the bank, but you’ll get to choose which queer city to go to school in. Pick two cards from the “city” deck and choose the one you want to move to for school. Options include cities like Portland, Los Angeles, Chicago, Austin, Ann Arbor, New York, Atlanta, San Francisco, Miami, Asheville, and DC.

House? 

Can any of us really buy a house in this economy? When landing on a space that says “house,” we’ll still pull from the house card deck, but the options won’t be as simple as “mansion” or “cabin.” Options include: living with your ex-girlfriend in her one bedroom apartment, sharing a communal house with other queers, living with your partner’s parents, living in your camper-van, renting a room from a random sketchy internet situation, and living in a celesbian’s house.

Action Items 

This is where the fun really begins. Every time you land on an action item space (one of the many blank spaces on the board), you pull a card and must perform that action. In the straight version of Life, these cards are usually about having yard sales or paying for a hospital bill, but here in queer life we have so many more things to choose from. Here’s what I got so far:

• You’re having a child via IVF! -5,000 for the stress of beginning the process but +10,000 emotional credits at the end of the journey
• You’re adopting! +10,000 emotional credits
• You and your partner adopt a dog or cat (you choose)! + 5,000 emotional credits
• You and your partner broke up! -10,000 emotional credits
• You’re splitting up with your partner and you lose custody of the dog -10,000 credits
• You started therapy! +5,000 emotional credits
• You ended a toxic family relationship +10,000 emotional credits
• Someone misgenders you -5,000 emotional credits
• You need a haircut; trade one of your skill cards for another player’s
• You’re going on a first date +1,000 emotional credits
• You get ghosted -1,000 emotional credits
• You need car help; trade one of your skills cards for another player’s
• It’s time to UHAUL (There are at least five of these cards in the deck)! Spin the wheel to find out if you earn +10,000 credits (1-5) or -10,000 credits (6-9)
• Start a banned book club +2,000 emotional credits
• Go to a local protest +1,000 emotional credits
• Deal with co-worker micro aggressions -1,000 emotional credits
• Learn a new homemaking skill, +2,000 emotional credits

Getting Married? 

Since everyone has different options on marriage, this one is tricky. We don’t want to push the heteronormative agenda on players, but we also love queer marriage! At the point in the game where you have to choose to get married, instead of a yes or no, you’ll need to choose the path that fits you best: intentionally single, casually dating for the foreseeable future, monogamous long-term partnership, or polyamorous partnerships.

Midlife Crisis? 

At least in the newer original versions of the game, everyone must pass through a midlife checkpoint to see if they are doomed to a mid-life crisis or see if they’re thriving in their older age. Since us queer folks discover ourselves on different timelines throughout our lifespan, I don’t think it makes a lot of sense to include this. Instead, the checkpoint will be about finding your life’s purpose. If you spin under a five, you are still searching for your life’s purpose and you’re sent down that path. If you spin above five, you’ve found your life path, and you get to settle into this established life.

Retirement? 

In this economy?! I honestly don’t know how any of us under the age of 50 are planning to retire comfortably, so I choose not to think about it. However, in this game, I would love for all the queers to be rich and fabulous in retirement. Once you’re nearing the end of the game, you’ll get to a retirement checkpoint where you’ll choose your retirement situation: farming commune, suburban living facility, multi-family home with loved ones, beachside house with your partner, forest cabin alone in your peace and quiet, or gay resort living. The options are truly endless, so this isn’t an extensive list!

How does one win? 

Typically the winner is the one who retires first/has the most money, but we don’t do that here in queer Barbieland. Instead, everyone will count up their emotional credits, which will roughly tell you how good of a life you’ve lived. The person most satisfied with the trajectory of their life wins! There can be multiple winners!

You’re now at the end of the game! Everyone at your queer fam dinner is living, laughing, and loving this intentional space you’ve created with such a phenomenally accurate game. Now, you can take it to your partner’s place for the holidays and play it with the fam! Good luck!

9 Niche Last Minute Queer Halloween Costumes No One Will Understand But You

Halloween’s around the corner and you’ve done close to nothing to prepare. You’ve already seen a number of Antler Queens on your For Your Page, along with several Bottoms characters in rugby shirts, nonbinary droplets of water (thank you, Disney), and some others who make you ask yourself, “Are they Weird Barbie or do they Just Look Like That?”

Don’t panic, because I’ve got your back with some queer halloween costumes that you can throw together in minutes before heading out the door for your overpriced all-queer Halloween event that you’ll spend an hour waiting in line for despite purchasing tickets two months in advance. Enjoy!

Dress Up as Your Ex Using All of the Clothes They Left Behind Six Years Ago

Listen, I know it, you know it, your therapist knows it, a quarter of your wardrobe belongs to your ex. These finger-me-down items may typically be reserved for sleeping or sitting in a chair staring out of a window as the seasons pass by to the tune of “Possibility” by Lykke Li – but trust, they’d make a great Halloween costume. But don’t stop there, check your shower drain. I bet there’s enough there to make a believable wig. Just be sure to coordinate with your friend group to make sure you’re not planning to be the same ex.

Dress Up as Your Ex’s Ex Using Pretty Much the Same Clothes

In the event that your ex is already claimed by a friend (classic), dress up as your ex’s ex because let’s face it, half of those clothes came from them first.

Dress Up as Your Favorite Celebrity That Was Accused of Queer Baiting This Year

Suspend your understanding of the appropriate uses of the term queerbaiting for a moment, you’re in a pinch afterall. Did your favorite celeb make a music video set at an all-girls sleepover this year? Maybe they played a teenage bisexual character without releasing a detailed record of their dating history? Perhaps someone you stan wore a skirt instead of pants to a red carpet event? That’s your villain costume right there. Note: this costume might perform best on the internet.

Dress Up as Your High School English Teacher

The fun thing about this one is that your whole friend group can do it and you’ll still look unique. You see, “high school English teacher” isn’t so much a look as it is a vibe. To execute the best high school English teacher costume, all you’ll need is a library card, an unfinished novel, a fiancé, a limited edition Starbucks to-go cup, and an earnest promise to stay in touch after graduation.

Dress Up as Your Barista Crush, Then Go Visit Them on Their Shift

It’s been two months and you’ve tried absolutely everything. You’ve shown up, you’ve waited in line, hell… you’ve even ordered your coffee AND gave your name (except for that one time you nervously gave the wrong name). If none of those flirting techniques have worked for you, here’s one last ditch effort: go get your septum pierced, find a black smith’s apron, and clock in for love.

Dress Up as the “Perfect Guy” the Straight Best Friend You Were in Love With Would Describe at Sleepovers

Proceed with caution… this costume idea is not for the faint of heart. Side effects may include: wondering what could have been, stalking her on Facebook, weird feelings about gender, and stalking her husband on Facebook.

Dress Up as Your Favorite Queer Sports Star

I’m not talking about Megan Rapinoe, Brittney Griner, Billie Jean King, etc. because they would all be on a list of Recognizable Queer Halloween Costumes Mostly Everyone Will Understand. No, I’m talking about the highschool cheerleading captain who came out quietly after graduation, the soccer teammate who was “too busy for boys,” or even the college rugby player who tried to flirt with you five times before you realized she was gay.

Dress Up as the Hobby You Pretended to Like for Them

Okay simp, pick yourself up off the floor and go get laid. No costume? No problem. You have at least $800 worth of hobby supplies laying around your apartment just from your last situationship. Clear the dust bunnies and take your pick: crocheter, yogi, rock climber, candlemaker… and then maybe leave it all behind before going home. Seriously, you’re running out of storage space.

Dress Up as the Lead Character in Your Unpublished Queer Novel/Screenplay/Fanfic

You’ve imagined them, written them, re-written them, and now it’s time to be them. Pick your favorite character from the slew of documents you keep in that one desktop folder and bring them to life. Will anyone know who you are? Absolutely not, but what better way to introduce and workshop your lead character to the world? Sounds like a win-win to me.

10 Frights Scarier Than Halloween

Halloween and horror have always been for the gays. Unfortunately, I am not one of those gays.

Haunted houses and horror nights legitimately scare me, so much so I’ve taken a few hits to my social life. Ghosts and gremlins are all scary, but the world we live in is undeniably scarier. Aside from the obvious existential and political dread we all carry, I wanted to share some lighter, less intense things that still indeed give me a jump scare.

1. The aftermath of Rat Girl Summer

We wreaked havoc on our summer, and now we are experiencing the consequences. We threw caution to the wind every sunny summer day, making sure to prioritize ourselves, our hungry tummies, and our curiosities. As we fully embrace the cozy vibes of fall, we will most likely need to retrace our scurrying little steps to make some amends, heal, or just pick up the pizza residue. For example, my casual dating for fun mentality has suddenly become a full-on monogamous relationship, and my body is trying to catch up with my brain and heart. I also just need to deep-clean all my carpets and car surfaces. There will always be part of a french fry living in all those little crevices. At least we have Fuck it All Fall.

2. Dirty nails

I don’t just mean unwashed hands (in 2023!?!), but dirt and grime under the fingernails. I will admit I lived most of my young adult life not really caring, but then I became a sexual queer being and that all changed. It’s now one of the first things I notice about a potential suitor. Y’all already know why.

3. My bank account

We are all feeling it right now. Some months are scarier than others, but it’s particularly frightening when you can’t even open your credit card apps out of intense fear you are indeed very screwed over. This type of fear is present all year round, but what elevates the queasy feelings is the awareness that the holiday season is upon us. My finances are not financing in large part due to my own undertaking of a reckless Rat Girl Summer. So, here I am, a few weeks out from Halloween trying to figure out an extremely unique costume I can conjure up from my very basic closet that’s also work appropriate, because I sure as hell can’t afford to go to an actual Halloween party outside of working hours.

4. Uncuffed jeans

We’ve all tried to sus someone out for queer vibes. One of the first things I look for is cuffed sleeves, cuffed jeans, really cuffed anything. So what happens when you’re flirting with that one hot person at the vegan coffee shop and their jeans aren’t cuffed?! The horror!!!! It’s fall, and unless you live in the Southwest or work a completely outdoor job in the heat, why are you not wearing your flannels, beanies, and cuffed attire? It’s my number-one go to in searching for queer signs, so when all the external flags are flagging and the cuffing isn’t there, my anxiety oscillates between feeling bad for assuming things but also…that could’ve been the love of my life?!

5. U-Hauling

I know we all joke about this, but the concept of moving all your stuff in with a person you’ve only known for a few months is actually terrifying. I definitely sound like your mom right now, but why would you give up your own space, money, and freedom for someone you’ve known for three months and fell in love with after a week?! I watch enough crime and murder documentaries to know we are still very much in serial killer territory in the first six months. I sorta kinda U-Hauled once, and looking back on that time in my life feels very similar to walking through a haunted house where all the jump scares are red flags of a codependent, toxic relationship I can so clearly see now.

6. A cis straight barista

This is similar for #4 but with the added pressure of coffee quality. I feel like it’s an agreed upon fact that queer baristas just make better coffee, better lattes, better everything really. Even if we want to splurge and get a pumpkin spice latte, we need the assurance that the barista will indeed ask if we want oat milk. Of course, we won’t ever know someone’s gender or sexuality unless they tell us, but that’s the scariest part about your local coffee shop barista — we will never know…if they’re the love of your life!

7. Back to school season

For those of us who don’t like children, this season can offer some relief from all the kids running amok over the summer. For teachers, nurses, school administrators, and pretty much everyone that interacts with children, back to school season means sickness, flu, infections, and disease. As if we aren’t already still dealing with COVID, we also have to anticipate a more intense flu season on top of all the usual weird germ stuff that kids pass around. I only started working with kids this year and got a bad case of strep throat. The last time I had that was probably when I was an actual child. Most of us love the children in our lives, but we all know you question your life choices — if only for a moment — when you’re wrapped in a blanket but also sweating profusely while hunched over the toilet seat.

8. Reading WebMD during back to school season

If you’re queer, germ-conscious, and anxious like me, then I know you’ve already Googled your symptoms and treatments this flu season. This is truly the scariest thing on this list, because somehow the article always confirms you have something much worse than what you actually have. Just last night, I was looking on WebMD for some sort of relief from my inflamed nodes (I got the flu and COVID vaccines a few days ago), and the only two suggested treatment options were warm compresses or chemo.

9. Questionable leftovers

Let’s be honest, I most definitely have that one pickle jar experiment from Rat Girl Summer hiding in the back of my fridge. I also have random slices of cheese, that spaghetti from two weeks ago, and that oat milk from two months ago. The thing is, I don’t want to waste food, but I’m also germ-conscious and anxious (as previously mentioned), so these items even existing are terrifying as it is, But then I avoid my cleaning responsibilities, forget about these items, and become re-traumatized a month later when I can’t tell if it’s spinach or mold.

10. Meeting your new partner’s best friend

Tis the season for cuffing, which means it’s the season for meeting friends and family. The first impressions are always scary, but what’s even scarier is meeting THE best friend. You know, the one who has thoroughly creeped on you in every corner of the internet and threatens the next level of hell if you ever hurt their bff. Okay, sometimes it’s not that serious, but it puts a lot of pressure on you, the innocent and loving new SO! My true Halloween scare this month was meeting my new partner’s best friend. The actual dinner we had together was totally fine, but the anxiety of knowing she wanted to meet me to sus me out is enough anxiety for spooky season.

F*ck It All Fall

You came with me on the journey of exploring Rat Girl Summer, so I figured it would only be fair to invite you into a new season I’ve claimed for myself: Fuck It All Fall.

Despite what it may sound like, this season isn’t nearly as reckless and erratic as Rat Girl Summer, a term coined by @lolakola on TikTok to describe a lifestyle where you commit to indulging in scurrying activities, snacking, and generally doing things you have no business doing. Instead, it’s more of an enthusiastic, all-in “hell yes!” to a new chapter (or person or job or habit or hobby) in your life. It’s that 2010s YOLO energy but more “I know it’s time to quit my job and plan to get a better one.” Sure, it’s a subtle difference, but it’s all about the framing.

Season themes — similar to astrological seasons — help ground me in working on a part of myself that needs attention. Typically winter is a quiet time of nesting and reflection on the year. Spring is a time of birth and launching new ideas or plans. Summer is a time of marinating on our new projects, and fall is a time of closure and transitions. Fuck It All Fall is that last horrah of decision making, so we’re able to settle into our routines for the dark months. It’s taking one last stab at that thing that’s been nagging at us and saying “fuck it, it’s fine let’s do it.” It’s doing that thing you’re deeply afraid of but have been dying to do. It’s knowing you’re afraid and doing it anyway!

It’s not impulsive. You’ve mediated on it, but it still feels like a shock to the system.

Here are some examples of what I mean:

• Becoming vegan
• Adopting that one cat from that adoption site you’ve been eyeing
• Redownloading Bumble, HER, Tinder, etc. with the intent of going on at least one date a week until you find the love of your life
• Confronting your boss about how they’ve been using the wrong name and pronouns for you and then suggest how your workplace can be more inclusive of trans and queer folks
• Quitting your horrible, homophobic, transphobia, misogynistic job to pursue your dream of living in a co-op in the Pacific Northwest
• Shaving your head
• Calling out sick for a day because you literally haven’t had a day off in three years
• Scheduling that gender affirming consultation you’ve been putting off
• Move across the country
• Take a cross-country road trip
• Sliding into the DMs of that cute queer friend-of-a-friend you’ve secretly thought was out of your league
• Putting a down payment on a house, car, apartment, etc.
• Geting that full size back tattoo you’ve secretly wanted forever
• Recommitting to Duolingo
• Apologizing for being wrong
• Learning to play the guitar so you can finally start writing music that your crush will one day hear when you’re on NPR’s Tiny Desk series

Fuck It All Fall started with someone confessing their love for me under the EPCOT ball at Disney World amidst me sobbing because my best friend and I just got into a huge fight. We had been dating for a little over a month, so I naturally responded, “how can you love me if you don’t even know me?” My little Aquarius heart was utterly paralyzed by the implied commitment.

I spent a whole (rat girl) year stringing along lost attachments and expressing my sexuality, and suddently there’s a person who loves me for me, tells me they aren’t going anywhere, and actually someone I MAY LOVE BACK?! The next few weeks brought with endless phone calls to friends; “Is this crazy?” “Is this too fast?” “Am I just infatuated?” “Am I just not seeing the red flags?” As someone who has emotionally Uhauled way too fast in their teens and early twenties, I now approach all relationships with the logic that one could only expect from a Virgo Moon and Rising (cough cough, me). I couldn’t cope with the idea that I may love them back. And then, one night as we were laying in bed about to fall asleep, it unconsciously forced it’s way out of my mouth. My body won over my overanalytical brain said “(Fuck It All) I love you too.”

I was indeed giving a terrified as fuck hell yes to a real, healthy, monogmous relationship with someone who is good and funny and kind and loving. Fuck It All Fall meant embracing the true nature of cuffing season, which is a challenge for someone has flighty, indecisive, and hyper-independant as me. I’ve impulsively moved across the country. I’ve moved to a different country. I’ve haphazardly quit jobs, picked up new ones, and put bosses in their place. Committing to a relationship feels like the wildest Fuck It All fall choice of them all.

So why do I say Fuck It All? Because I wasn’t planning to fall in love or meet someone’s parents or completely switch jobs this quickly, but fuck it all let’s do it, queers. Let’s embrace our seasonal chaotic energy and manifest it into long-term, healthy decisions!

Lesbian Date Ideas Inspired By Stock Images

feature image photo by eclipse_images via Getty Images

There are sooooooo many ways to be a lesbian — both in reality and also according to stock photos. You can be a lesbian having a bad time during BDSM; you can be a lesbian NOT having lesbian sex; you can be a lesbian participating in homoerotic Christmas activities. Stock photography sure has a lot of ideas about lesbianism! So I thought: Why not see if the stock image overlords have some hot date ideas? I’ve got my usual go-to dates of bowling, picnics, pizza nights, etc. It’s time to think outside the dyke date box. Here are some thrilling and definitely 100% serious date ideas for you and your partner(s) to try out! Just look at these lesbians smiling in all the photos! They’re having the time of their lives! This could be you!

Cook Soup Over an Open Flame!

Nagaiets via Getty Images

This does seem like it might require having the proper cooking tools to do such a thing, but hey, if you have access to a cabin in the woods, firewood, and a large vat, why not rig an outdoor cooking situation with your beloved? Also, I love the nature poem that is the official Getty Images caption for this photo: “Two girlfriends cooking in the winte [sic] nature on a fire in the boiler. Beautiful girls bask in the fire in winter.”

Kiss on Top of Packing Peanuts!

Jewelsy via Getty Images

I think this might be Uhaul Lesbian roleplay?

Exchange Tiny Bags in a Park!

Wirestock via Getty Images

And maybe one of you is pregnant!

Do a Photoshoot in the Rain!

taseffski via Getty Images

You might get cold; you might get wet. But nothing says “I love you” like getting drenched in a downpour while taking selfies.

Decide a Tree Is Gay!

Antonio Carlos Soria Hernandez via Getty Images

Nature is beautiful!

Take Turns Pretending Your Eyeballs Are Fruit!

eclipse_images via Getty Images

Do this to your gf and say something like “orange you so silly.” You’ll for sure get laid.

Play Ping Pong!

Alexandr Dubynin via Getty Images

Or, you know, just stand around with ping pong rackets gazing into each other’s eyes.

Enter a Portal Into a Different Dimension!

Klaus Vedfelt via Getty Images

Bonus points if the portal also makes you time travel!

Do Your Taxes!

South_agency via Getty Images

It’s never too early.

Go to a Beach and Rub Sand on Each Other!

CasarsaGuru via Getty Images

Couples who do skincare stay together or something. It’s nature’s exfoliant!

Disengage From Society and Become Creatures of the Forest!

Kladyk via Getty Images

You deserve to abscond to the woods with your lover.

Knife Bite!

1001slide via Getty Images

Biting a knife!

Gay Fall Scented Candles That Should Exist

This weekend — on Saturday, September 23, 2023, at 02:50 a.m. eastern, to be specific — fall officially began in the Northern Hemisphere. No, it did not start on September 1. Yes, I have been annoyed by people’s early celebrations of fall, but not because I’m a fall hater! Because I’m jealous! Because I do not live in a place where there’s a crispness in the air starting immediately after August! It still feels very much like deep, deep summer here in Central Florida, and it will still be the rainy season here for several more weeks. Maybe it will cool down further into October if we’re lucky.

In any case, now that it is indeed officially fall, I am ready to lean all the way into the season. I might not be able to feel it in the air, but I can certainly cultivate the vibe of fall in my own damn home. And that means an abundance of fall scented candles. Your Sweater Weathers, your Cinnamon Sticks, and other various classics found in the great lands of Bath and Body Works, Target, and HomeGoods. But today, I’m here with a list of fall scented candles that do not exist but SHOULD. Here are the gay fall scented candles that would be perfect in a queer home.

Your Ex-Wife’s Sweater Weather

Notes of petty resentment and the vague memory of what her hair and/or dog smelled like.

Doc Martens Crunching Leaves

That’s also called GAY-SMR. Notes of maple leaves, cedar, and leather.

Soft Butch Flannel

Notes of birch, mahogany, and the confidence that you can fix any household appliance.

Femme Flannel

Notes of cedar, sunflower, and expensive shampoo/conditioner.

Fall…ing in Love With Every Woman You Meet

Notes of desperation but in a cute way.

Pining Over Her

Notes of desperation in a sad way. And pine!

Chaisexual Bisexual

Notes of cardamom, clove, black tea, and a worn leather couch that’s somehow both sophisticated and a little dirtbaggy.

Pumpkin Piesexual Chaos

Notes of pumpkin, cinnamon sugar, and running into not one but TWO exes at the combination cafe-bookshop.

Harvest Gaythering

Notes of firewood, friendship, and found family 🥰.

Scissoring Cinnamon

Notes of spice and sweat.

Cozy Cat Mom

Notes of warm tea, pillow forts, and…is that…tuna?

Spiced Apple Prider

Notes of green apple, citrus, cinnamon, and attending your first Pride parade (sweat, vodka, sunscreen, pleather).

Lez Carve a Pumpkin

Notes of pumpkin puree, pumpkin spice, and cheap beer at the dyke bar.

Sex With an Ex-Ghoulfriend

Notes of being haunted and various bodily fluids — including tears.

All the Chaotic Gay Questions I’ve Asked on a First Date

I’ve always been deep, emotional, moody, and existential. As an Aquarius-Virgo-Virgo, I’ve found comfort in the ebb and flow of casual dating while simultaneously over-analyzing every conversation, text, photo, and gesture my potential partner is making. My innately chaotic dating energy has molded me into the incredibly knowledgeable top-notch Perfect First Date Professional I am today.

It’s all about the questions that spark and carry the conversation. Most of my first experiences in adult dating were with women, so my go-to questions were expected, if not already asked by the person I was seeing. As I started recently dating men again, I was thrown into a culture shock of just how gay queer dating is. The following are very real examples of questions on first dates, most of them asked without much context. While some of these first dates spurred from an actual friendship (so, a more acceptable scenario to ask unhinged questions), most of these were under an app context where I literally did not know the person.

I wouldn’t recommend using these unless you want to become someone’s therapist or completely scare them away.

What is your relationship like with your mom? 

Because who doesn’t want to get asked about their mom on a first date?

In all seriousness, I’m not sure if there’s a safe answer to this. The people who are extremely close to their moms have certainly been an issue, and the people who hate their moms have certainly been as issue. Correlation isn’t causation, but mommy issues are a real and scientific phenomenon.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

To which I say to myself “bro, what the actual fuck were you thinking.” The wildest part of this question is that I actually do have a 10 year plan. It’s not some crazy mapped out month-by-month agenda, but it’s the idea that in 10 years I want to be in X place doing X thing with X person.

Do you have color-changing LED light bulbs and/or light strips? 

I gotta be honest, every single person I’ve dated with some combination of these had been a walking red flag, and it always starts with them showing them off. LED lights aren’t a thing that just exist. You will know. They will tell you.

Picture yourself on your death bed. Now complete the phrase: “I’m so glad I ________.” 

This isn’t even a product of dark humor. I genuinely think this gives you a window into what motivates someone.

Would you want to do the New York Times 36 Questions to Love with me?

Of course I didn’t suggest we should fall in love on the first date. However, I will say that I fully did this with a first date once, and it ended in us kissing on a bench in a park so…how crazy is it actually?

How many times do you masturbate a day? 

I distinctly remember asking my first girlfriend this on our first date, fully in public drinking tea on a random Tuesday evening.

Picture yourself at a family holiday gathering (i.e. Thanksgiving dinner) and an argument unfolds between two people you love. What’s you role in this, if any at all? 

I guess I was thinking this would be a good question to weed out people who aren’t capable of conflict resolution? But that isn’t totally fair considering I become a ghost every time I’m at a family holiday gathering.

Do you have more top or bottom energy? 

This seems like a harmless question, but apparently cismen are floored by it.

Do you have nightstands on either side of your bed?

Listen, I have a whole theory on this one. Birthed from a combination of feng shui and manifesting culture, I believe the room you create is a reflection of what you’d like from life. If the person has a bed that’s centered between two nightstands (or a nightstand-desk combination), it means they are ready and willing to make room for two people and not just themselves. I kid you not — it’s the first thing I look for when someone invites me over. The fact that it’s a green flag for me is a red flag for those trying to date me. You’ve been warned.

How many friends do you have? 

A better way of asking this is “what does your support system look like?” but that’s too therapist-y for me.

What are your goals for the end of the year? 

If you’re a driven, ambitious workaholic, I suppose this isn’t an off-the-wall question. However, most of the people I’ve been on dates with give me a deer-in-headlights look when I ask this. Aren’t we all just trying to make is through the day? Yeah, me too, so why tf I am asking this question?

What did you dream about last night? 

With the caveat that if they don’t remember their dream, it’s a beige flag. There’s a reason people called me the Dream Interpreter in high school. Don’t make the mistake of letting me know your subconscious thoughts.

Vibe check: How are you feeling about me?

Bold of me to assume they would give me an honest answer to this — let alone a positive, honest answer. The more I read this, the more horribly narcissistic I sound. In my own defense, I’ll usually share a polished version of how I feel about them. The difference is that I’ve been assessing for that question the whole time, and they certainly haven’t.

Sorry if this feels like an interview. 

Not a question — more like a prompt to let me know how gay the person actually is.

Most of the people I asked these questions to aren’t in my life anymore, if that’s any indication of how things went.

Weird Things the Victorians Did, Ranked by Bisexuality

Where did this pitch for the first day of Bi Week come from? From inside of a top hat, under the whalebone of a corset, from between the stitches of a stuffed mouse or perhaps from the dregs of a bottle of embalming fluid we then filled with beer and drank from leading to our untimely demise? I can’t prove it, but you know what feels bisexual? The bizarre habits of the infamously prudish (but irredeemably odd, okay) Victorian English people. So, in order from least to most bisexual, I have ranked things the Victorians liked doing. You’re welcome and g’day gov’nah.

9. Taking Photos With Dead People

Via duncan1890 / Getty Images I promise no one in this photo is dead. I’m not going to put a photo of an actual dead person in a humor article! GEEZE.

Life was fragile, and photography was extremely new and also expensive. Often, these post mortem photographs were the only image one would have of a deceased loved one, especially an infant. Lesbians, pansexuals, maybe even people who identify as queer would also do this. Not a uniquely bisexual-seeming activity but definitely not belonging solely to the straights either.

8. Making Up Chastity Belts, Attempting to Pass Off These Forgeries as “Real” Artifacts

The grainy quality of this photograph definitely makes it look EVEN WORSE.

The Victorians — in a white people trend that is definitely deserving of scrutiny — took it upon themselves to depict the middle ages as more bleak and violent than they actually were. The Victorian age was an age of progress, after all, wasn’t it? Not an age that might actually have anti-masturbation devices. Okay, and even if they did, they also had factories! And electricity! And photography!

“There was a certain branch of English manufacturers,” Classen says, “who realized that there was a huge market on the continent and elsewhere for chastity belts.” That market was museums and curiosity shows. The tight-laced Victorian crowd was willing to pay top dollar for a glimpse of any salacious Dark Age torture device, which were lovingly (and extravagantly) crafted to fit their notions of medieval barbarism. Thus, the chastity belt was forged. –How Stuff Works

This entry is slightly more bisexual, if only because it’s kinkier than taking photos with dead people (if you think otherwise, I’m open to discussion). But I am pretty sure bisexuals are into accurate history, unlike straight people who love to rewrite history so it’s less gay or so that the people of the past seem to have engaged in more meaningless acts of violence than we engage in today.

7. Doing the Same Thing with the Iron Maiden And The Pear Of Anguish

The art dealers who made this thing up had a “burning ambition” to get rich quick. Not very bisexual of them, sorry.

The history of the Iron Maiden is known and traceable back to Victorian con men. It’s not real, but it sure does leave an impression peoples’ psyches. There is something about coming up with something both so masculine and so feminine that gives me bisexual energy. Also, the Pear of Anguish — most likely not real, AGAIN likely made up by these horny Victorians — has haunted my dreams since I first heard of it and thought it was real. This gives it bisexual energy if only because bisexuals also haunt my dreams.

6. Obsessing Over Optical Illusions, See Also: “Ether Frolics”

This is what that looks-like-an-‘old woman’-until-you-flip-it-upside-down-and-then-it’s-a-‘young girl’ optical illusion trick looks like on ether.

Victorians loved optical illustions, in my opinion, because 1) optical illusions are objectively awesome and 2) because these people were hitting that ether left and right. Apparently, they drank ether in addition to just inhaling it, and sometimes it could make the drinker’s BREATH FLAMMABLE? You don’t need an optical illusion if that kind of business is already occurring in your parlor, but I guess no one asked my opinion. Anyway, giggling over Pepper’s ghost while either honking on ether or being shown a version of it by your fourth grade “enrichment” teacher is definitely an activity that ~feels bisexual, one way or another.

5. Loving Taxidermy

Apparently I’ll put an illustration of an Iron Maiden in this article, but I will DRAW THE LINE at actual taxidermy. Enjoy this guy. He’s working it.

It’s science! It’s art! It’s fashion! It’s death! But also whimsy! And home decor! It’s Victorian taxidermy! While definitely tinged all over with sapphicness, I can assure you that should I ever have the stats to back this up, that bisexuals would be, of all the sexual orientations, the most into taxidermy as a whole. Should I make this survey? Would you take this survey?

4. Going to Therapy

The uh…photos that come up for Victorian therapy all involve electric devices.

If you’re bisexual, you are more likely to have negative mental health experiences and therefore worse health outcomes. I hate it! So, you know, I’m not being unserious here. Take care of yourselves out there, my bisexual friends. Therapy has come a long, long way from Freud, and I am so glad we can have some contemporary trauma-informed therapy as opposed to our dear friend (who was perhaps necessary for the progress of the field, but still) jacked on cocaine telling us to look deeper into our dreams. (Although, sadly, there are a lot of therapists out there so I wouldn’t be surprised if some of y’all have also experienced this). Anyway, going to therapy seems like something many of us bisexuals need in a world rife with biphobia. This is a highly scientific ranking. And our Head of Victorian Science and Bisexual But Also Heartbreak, Mary Shelley, I am sure would agree with me.

3. Performing Seances

These guys are freaking out!! Someone get them some ether.

This is peak bisexual activity, whether you believe in the ghosts or you’re profiting from being a hot person who other people believe can talk to ghosts. At its peak, one Spiritualist book was published PER WEEK, so perhaps this movement can be compared to the astrology of today? And if that comparison can be made, I am almost certain that many queers had to have been involved. Knock once if you agree. (My certainty is based entirely on my own speculation, a tea reading of the vibes.)

2. Making Peculiar Hair Decisions

Vigorous. Hair.

Have you seen the TikToks lately? You know what ones I’m talking about? The ones where a lesbian woman will be like “I’m attracted to women. But men are cool, too.” And a straight woman will be like “I’m attracted to men. But women are cool!” And then a bisexual woman will be like “Women are the sun, the breath in my lungs, and I am a worm and I would be lucky if they cut me in half with scissors.” And then someone interjects, “but you like men, too?” And then it cuts to them vomiting and saying like “yeah.” Thank you for bearing with me and letting me manually explain and also butcher a TikTok I saw that also doesn’t really include nonbinary identities within the realm of bisexuality but it’s fine, we’re moving on. I feel like it is just this attitude toward women and nonbinary and trans people of any gender (but not particularly cis men) that would lead a bisexual to want to keep, collect, and then craft with the hair of a special “friend.” 

1. Making Peculiar Chair Decisions

It’s good to know that literally nothing has changed about furniture salesmanship.

Haha. Yeah, it’s a joke about how bisexuals supposedly cannot sit in chairs. And as I write this, I was about to be like “and yet I am sitting high and mighty and totally in a standard fashion in a chair right now!” And reader, I just checked. I’m kind of standing, leaning on the outside of my feet, with my butt just kind of kissing the edge of a stool, while I loom over the laptop which is on a table much lower than I am, so no, this is a bisexual sitting travesty. Still, I challenge all of you, tell me how one is supposed to sit in this particular chair! It’s apparently a mystery! But if anyone can solve it, I am sure it’s you, dear Autostraddle readers.

Happy Bi Week 2023 from Autostraddle!

I Asked a Top About “Bottoms”

After I saw the feature film Bottoms, I had an urge to interview a top about it. I knew what I, a bottom, thought about the feature film Bottoms. But what about tops? I wished to hear from a top on Bottoms. Conveniently, I attended my screening of the feature film Bottoms with the top I happen to be engaged to.

Immediately after we left the theater, I sat down with my fiancé Kristen — a top! — at a bar near our house and asked her about Bottoms, the movie. Over $5 old fashioneds in a bar that would have throwback speakeasy vibes if the lights weren’t so bright, we discussed this vital work of queer cinema that I would like to see 75 more times.

Below, read a transcript of our brief but passionate Bottoms interview, which I’ve also footnoted with important and probably very bottomy additional commentary. Enjoy!

Kayla: All right. In three words, describe Bottoms, the movie.

Kristen: Goofy, perverted, tender.

Kayla: Oh, wow. Now, in three words, describe Bottoms, the people.

Kristen: Goofy, perverted, tender.¹

Kayla: Okay. So what did you think of the movie Bottoms more specifically?

Kristen: It was a lot funnier than I thought it would be because it was very satirical. I think I was not as prepared for it to be as making fun of itself as it was. It felt like watching Scream Queens, maybe.

Kayla: Yeah.

Kristen: It was really digging into its own cliches and expanding on them in very, very, very funny ways, which I liked. Our audience that we were in was half gay people, half aggressively straight people. Old straights, which I say with love as an old person, but it was like 70-year-old straight people in there being like, here I am, to see the feature film Bottoms.²

But I think the jokes were especially not afraid to be like, oh, the ways in which we make jokes about sexuality and bodies and assault and things like that — people were not prepared for it. And so you could hear, ha ha ha. And then you hear a very quickly dead silence for things. I thought it was great.

Kayla: Who were the biggest bottoms in Bottoms?

Kristen: Oh, the cheerleader that was with the football player was a bottom.³ She punched a lot, but I think that could also be a bottom.

Kayla: Bottoms can punch.

Kristen: Yeah.

Kayla: That’s true.

Kristen: I had to show you how to punch.

Kayla: You did have to teach me how to punch.

Kristen: So you don’t break your own thumb.

Kayla: In a way, we had our own fight club.

Kristen: We did not. We did not. I had you show me how to make a fist, and then I had you punch my hand.

Kayla: Yeah, you let me punch you.⁴

Kristen: My hand, yeah.

Kayla: You said punch as hard as I could.

Kristen: And it was not very hard, but I was proud of you.

Kayla: So then who are the tops in bottoms? Wait, is that the only bottom in Bottoms?

Kristen: No. I mean, I think it’s hard to know with some of them because they’re supposed to be teenagers. Teenagers are like, you don’t know what the hell you want. You’re just aggressively horny. And that can translate into maybe that you’re a top, but you’re not a top. You’re just so horny. You feel like you’re going to die.

Kayla: Yeah, that was me at that age. And I wasn’t a top then or now.

Kristen: So the two main characters⁵, right? Those are both tops.

Kayla: It’s ironic.

Kristen: Yes, but okay. You could see Josie⁶ was going to be the top in that situation. When they cut away when they’re having sex, she climbs on top of that other girl.

Kayla: She was literally on top.

Kristen: It was actually very cute and very funny to see the other character. I can’t remember either of their names.

Kayla: I’m just going to fill them in after the fact for you.⁷

Kristen: Thank you so much. They were in bed together doing homework, and she was doing those cute jokes. She was finally flirting really effectively in a way you could tell she’d wanted to the whole time and then leaned in for a kiss. She’s a top but goofy, not good at it. None of them have ever had sex before. So maybe at that point, essentially, technically everyone’s a bottom. You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Kayla: Wait, bottoms know what they’re doing.

Kristen: Not when you’re in high school.

Kayla: No, but do tops?

Kristen: No one knows what they’re doing in high school. That’s what I just said.⁸

Kayla: Okay. I thought you were saying that made everyone bottoms.

Kristen: No, I just think no one knows what they’re doing.

Kayla: Yeah.

Kristen: I think I said maybe that makes essentially everyone a bottom, because you don’t… I think I’m describing this wrong, but it’s just like there’s not a tops or bottoms. It’s just being bad at sex and not understanding. I thought they did a great job at that. Where it’s like being so horny, you feel like you’re going to perish. But then being so stupid and goofy that nobody would want to have sex with you.

Kayla: Yeah.

Kristen: I don’t know. I mean, I had sex with people when I was in high school⁹, but it’s not like I did anything really erotic.

Kayla: Did you make a fight club?

Kristen: No. I was in show choir, so no.

Kayla: Did you use show choir in the same way that they used fight club?

Kristen: That’s why anybody got into show choir.

Kayla: For pussy?

Kristen: You could be in a changing room. You could be doing-

Kayla: Oh, that’s true.

Kristen: You could be singing Les Mis to another woman’s face.

Kayla: That’s hot. It’s erotic.

Kristen: Someone’s dying. You’re holding them.

Kayla: Yeah.

Kristen: If that’s not erotic, I don’t know what is.

Kayla: That’s true.

Kristen: Singing Phantom of the Opera, and one of you is the Phantom.

Kayla: Wow.

Kristen: Get out of here.

Kayla: Yeah. Even more erotic than a fight club. Arguably.

Kristen: I loved watching them punch each other.

Kayla: I did too. That was the highlight of the film, which I guess is the whole premise. We can end there.

¹ I strongly believe tops are goofier than bottoms, on average. But I’ll allow.
² I would like to own a shirt that says “here I am, to see the feature film Bottoms”
³ I can’t explain it, but it feels like extreme top behavior that Kristen can’t remember a single character’s name for the movie we just saw.
⁴ I maintain that we had a fight club.
⁵ Josie and PJ
⁶ I added this name in just so the sentence would read more smoothly.
⁷ Whoops!
⁸ IS IT?
⁹ Okay BRAG!

Rejected Headlines for My “Bottoms” Review

Sometimes, it’s 7:45 a.m. on a Saturday and you’re awake and downing coffee with a splash of International Delight Sweet & Creamy coffee creamer, sitting at your desk click-clacking away at your laptop keyboard because you have to get up a review of the feature film Bottoms first thing the morning after it wide releases because this is your job, this is the life you have signed up for, a life of having gay takes about gay things. Sometimes, these specific conditions lead to a slight state of delirium and queer chaos witnessed only by yourself. Sometimes, you have to share that delirium with the wider world.

Indeed, I wrote my review of Bottoms from a mental place I can only think to describe as early morning lesbian hysteria. While my partner slumbered silently in our room, I sat just on the other side of the sliding door that separates that room and my lofted office space, channeling the frenzied glee I’d experienced the evening before when we saw the movie onto the glowing document in front of me. I wrote a whole ass opening about my own story having to do with being gay, coveting cheerleaders, and participating in lite emotional manipulation as a teen before scrapping the whole thing and deciding it was for a future, longer piece to be written after I’ve had a chance to marinate in Bottoms a little longer.

When I finished writing my short, initial reaction review (okay, so it’s still 1k words, but that’s sort for me), I had to contend with the challenge of title. I’d been avoiding reading other reviews of the movie for the past week, but I inevitably saw their titles when compiling gay links for the gay link roundup I pen twice a week here at Autostraddle. I wanted to write a title that stood out, that was as foolish (complimentary) as the movie itself, which was how I landed on “Bottoms” Punched Me in the Face (and I Liked It).

But before I got there, I played around with a few other alternatives that I ultimately rejected but threw into the wasteland of a separate document. This briefly turned into me becoming distracted by no one other than myself as I tried to think up as many joke titles as possible.

And now, I present those alt titles to you! I look forward to accepting my Pulitzer Prize.

1. Bottoms Healed My Inner Horny Freak #3
2. Bottoms Punched Me in the Face — It Was AWESOME
3. Bottoms Understands What Teen Lesbians Desire: Being Punched By Girls in the Face
4. Bottoms Is a Movie About Two Baby Tops Terrorizing Their School
5. If Bottoms Had Come Out When I Was in High School, I Would Have Figured Out I Was Gay Sooner
6. Bottoms Asks the Question I Was Afraid to Ask Girls in High School: What If We All Just Hit Each Other Right Now?
7. Bottoms Says the Quiet Part Out Loud (All Cheerleaders Are Gay)
8. “Bottoms” Review: All Cheerleaders Kiss
9. Bottoms Reviewed By a Bottom
10. Bottoms Up: A Bottoms Review By a Bottom
11. Bottoms Is DYKE RIGHTS
12. Bottoms Is Better Than Fight Club
13. Top of the Bottoms To Ya