It’s time to talk about teevee, and the queer things you might have missed on teevee, or the queer things you just want to rehash from teevee. It was a good/bittersweet week for lesbians on last week, so let’s hop on in.

One Big Happy

Tuesdays on NBC at 9:30 p.m.

“I solemnly swear I am up to no good.”

One Big Happy aired what was probably its final episode on Tuesday night, and it was really, truly wonderful.

After walking out on Prudence last week, Luke holes up at a friend’s house, leaving Lizzie and Pru to cuddle up in bed together. Or, well, no. To leave Pru to cuddle up in bed with Lizzie and cry about how much she misses Luke and how sorry she is she lied to him and also to read Lizzie some of the erotic poetry Luke writes on Post-It notes. It’s as romantic as it sounds. Lizzie agrees to help Prudence out, because she’s going to get deported if she and Luke don’t really get married. And because she relates to Prudence’s dilemma of hiding who she is from the people she loves because she’s afraid of what they’ll think.

Unfortunately, Luke borks it all up because he agrees to be a wingman for his best friend and finds himself on a double date with a stage five clinger who handcuffs herself to Luke, tosses the keys out the window, and promptly passes out from alcohol poisoning. By the time Luke shows up for his wedding redo, Prudence’s deportation date has already passed.

BUT WAIT. Lizzie plans the wedding, hires the officiant, decorates the backyard — and then she goes right ahead and marries Prudence herself, to keep her in the country, because Lizzie has developed a begrudging love for her best friend’s almost-wife. For all the nagging I did about this show falling into ’90s sitcom tropes, it really whacked me in the heart with a brand new thing in the finale. I honesty don’t think this has ever been done before, and how could it have been done? Legislation that makes this thing a reality is brand new!

“Mischief managed.”

The episode ends with Luke and Lizzie and Prudence hugging it out, and me crying like a dumb baby.

Jane the Virgin

Mondays on The CW at 9:00 p.m.

LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE.

Luisa finally arrived back in Miami last week, after taking a mental health vacation to recover from the fact that: She artificially inseminated a random woman with her brother’s last remaining sperm sample after finding out her wife was cheating on her, and sought sexual healing in the arms of her stepmother who turned out to be a notorious drug lord who also killed her father by burying him in a pool of cement. After her stepmother seduced her in an insane asylum.

Oh, but it gets better. Luisa returns with a new girlfriend, a professional wrestler named JUICY JORDAN(!). Luisa quickly reclaims the shares of the Marbella hotel that she was letting Petra control and starts making some amazing demands. First up, she makes Petra and Rafael agree to host a wrestling match at the Marbella between Juicy and her arch nemesis, Candy Crunch. It is such a huge success — both in the story and on the show, which trots out alter-ego wrestling match-up cards for all the characters over the course of the hour — that Luisa suggests to Rafael that they make the hotel a one-stop shop for pro wrestling.

Rafael shoots her down, but she’s just messing with him. She has an IQ of 152, basically made it through medical school drunk, and can figure out how to help him save their family’s real estate legacy if he’ll let her shoulder some of the burden. He agrees that he needs her help.

If you’re not watching this show, you really should give it a go. It’s fast and silly and features so many women of color having so many different kinds of relationships with each other. It always passes the Bechdel test. It’s always a ridiculous, feminist romp. And it looks like Luisa will be here until the finale!

Arrow

Wednesdays on The CW at 8:00 p.m.

Let’s hope this isn’t one of those milkshakes that brings all the boys to the yard.

Nyssa al Ghul was back on Arrow this week in an episode that made me lock and load the fire breath in my chest in case I need to Be The Dragon and burn something down to the ground.

Nyssa, as you know, has bolted from the League of Assassins because her father chose Oliver to take over her birthright, and had now brainwashed him into doing so. Nyssa is spending most of her time these days training Laurel and having confusingly delicious chemistry with her, even though both of those things are because they both miss Sara so much. After some general combat lessons, the two of them decide to go out to dinner at this place that serves french fries and milkshakes by candlelight. So, honestly, the perfect date scenario. Laurel teases Nyssa about how gorgeous she is in street clothes and they dip their fries into their milkshakes and eat them, because I guess fighting crime burns six thousand calories an hour.

Sadly, it is not all faux dates and leather jackets and women kicking asses. Oliver shows up to kidnap Nyssa and take her back to her father. One they arrive, Ra’s decides he doesn’t really want to kill his daughter after all. Instead, he’s going to marry her off to Oliver so they can have babies and the future leader of the League of Assassins will be his direct descendent. The lesbian married off to the male hero of the show after her bisexual girlfriend was murdered and stuffed in a refrigerator.

And yeah, that’s a potential real problem. Nyssa is a lesbian, has identified as one from the beginning, as spoken about and written by the show’s creative team and Katrina Law herself. KLaw gave an interview to MTV in which she indicated multiple times that Nyssa is not going to hook up with a man. So. Like I said, I’m ready to light it on fire if I need to, but I’m withholding judgment for the moment. This show already has some hard strikes against it.

Younger

Tuesdays on TVLand at 10:00 p.m.

Is she the one who wrote the children’s book called “Baby Hooker”?

I wouldn’t have started watching this little sitcom if it didn’t feature lesbian artist Maggie as a main character, but I sure am glad I did. It’s not heavy. It’s not dense. It’s not going to win any writing or acting awards or anything. But it’s sweet and fun and explores relationships between women in ways we rarely get to see on TV, especially women over the age of 30.

During the last episode, Jane Krakowski came to town playing a best-selling author who has written a book called She-donism. Liza is tasked with throwing a young, hip book launch party in Brooklyn, and of course she invites all her friends, including Maggie. It only takes Maggie a second to spot a woman she’s been crushing on for years, and she decides to go for it, even though/because the woman just got out of a five year relationship. They chat, they flirt, Maggie asks her out — and then the woman stands up to reveal that she’s like eight months pregnant.

It’s all good for Maggie. She takes her home anyway, for a wild night of scissoring.

Yeah. Let’s go lez.

(Meanwhile, Liza learns that it’s not her responsibility to mother anyone except her daughter. Not her ex-husband. Not Kelsey. And not alcoholic authors.)

Newlyweds: The First Year

Tuesdays on Bravo at 10:00 p.m.

Laura and Sam have not been reading our Makin’ Babies column, I don’t think. They should be, though. It would help them process a lot of the feelings they’re having these last few weeks about how Laura does not want to make babies yet and Sam wants to make babies, like right this dang second. Which, it turns out, is something they actually need to get serious about because Laura’s got some fibroids that are going to prevent her from getting pregnant if she doesn’t get them removed, and Sam’s eggs are almost all gone. It’s tough. It’s a lot of tough conversations that they don’t reach a resolution on. But Bravo did dedicate two glorious minutes to their puppies, Luda and Winston, which was my favorite part of last week’s episode. I love these dogs.

Bold and the Beautiful

Weekdays on CBS

Yes, I have a secret. I think you’re an entitled moron.

All right, y’all. This is well and truly my last week covering this show if it doesn’t get significantly better. And maybe they will. According to TV Line, B&B bringing on trans actor/speaker Scott Turner Schofield on May 8.

Schofield, who speaks and writes about diversity, became acquainted with the show when it asked for his recommendations of transgender actors to flesh out its headline-making storyline starring Karla Mosley. Though he was surprised when he received an invitation to audition, the New York Daily News reports, he nabbed the part.

Nick and Maya know each other from “when she first landed in Los Angeles before she became the huge success that she is,” Schofield tells the Daily News, adding that Nick will “remind her that she is beautiful and whole and authentic exactly as she is.”
The actor, who has taped six episodes so far, explains that he’ll be around when “things start to happen and discrimination mounts, so [Maya] can stand strong in who she is and how she made the right choices for herself.”

Right, so: This jerk lady named Pam rifles through Maya’s purse, finds some estrogen pills, and straight up is like, “There’s only one reason Maya would be taking estrogen; she’s transgender!” Which: No. Then, later, Pam gabs about it to all her friends, talking about, “Maya is not the woman Rick thinks she is!” Right, and then all the characters who know Maya is trans continue to blurt out Maya’s birth name behind her back with reckless abandon, like it’s not a complete act of violence. And so now pretty much everyone besides Rick knows that Maya is transgender.

Rick, meanwhile, tells Maya about a hundred times that she’ll never let him down, that she’s perfect, that she’s never lied to him and will never lie to him, and that he wants a dozen kids. After which he goes out and buys an engagement ring that is, and I quote, flawless and pure, just like Maya.

This guy is a crazy person! No one on earth could live up to these kind of expectations of flawlessness, except maybe Samira Wiley. Maya, you need to get away from him!

Anyway, Rick invites Maya for a weekend away in Big Bear for a surprise. (Spoiler alert, it is a proposal of marriage.)

Person of Interest

Tuesdays on CBS at 10:00 p.m.

Oooh, it’s so hiiigh. I better not do any, I dunno, burpees.

As I mentioned previously, Person of Interest took a turn for amazing this season when it made Root and Shaw more than just a pair of women with antagonistically sizzling chemistry who make sexy, sexy gif sets on Tumblr. Right before Sarah Shahi took a breather to go have a baby, Shaw kissed Root full on the mouth, shut her behind a gate, and went running full-tilt toward death to keep Root safe. I don’t think anyone really expected the storyline to resurface this season, but it sure did!

It all happens when Root finds herself in shock after receiving a call from Shaw, begging for help. She’s been trying to track down her probably-almost-girlfriend, but this is the first time she’s heard from her. So, of course Root goes all the way motherfucking in and plays a game with The Machine ON TOP OF A ROOF so The Machine will tell her where to find Shaw. The game is: Tell me where to find Shaw or I am going to walk across this ledge until I plummet to my literal death.

Despite everyone’s logical protests that this is all a giant trap, Root plows ahead, infiltrating a hospital, and ultimately getting her beautiful, perfect self kidnapped. It’s Martine and Greer. They used Shaw as bait to snag Root so they can cut her open and try to gain access to The Machine. She ends up killing Martine, who wastes way too much time monologuing because she’s never seen a superhero movie before, and The Machine ends up handing out its location to save Root and Finch’s life.

The season finale is tomorrow night. I don’t think Shaw will be back for real, but the show is 50/50 on getting renewed, so fingers crossed for season five!

(Also, please look at this glory.)

Lost Girl

Fridays on Syfy at 10:00 p.m.

What do you mean I smell like someone’s stepmother? What have you heard?!

Lost Girl 503: It’s a whole death situation. Lauren is getting death threats for turning the Morrigan human. Three whole dead bodies show up on her clinic doorstep, and while Dyson can tell they’ve been killed by fae, that’s all they know. And also, Bo doesn’t really care if she dies.

Let’s do Lauren first: After the death threats and the bodies, she asks Dyson to hook her up with some self-defense lessons, and he does. So when a fae pretending to be a patient shows up and tries to coerce her into giving up the serum, she gives him a Ketamine dart right in his neck. And now she’s ready to become Bo’s partner in crime. You know, or not. At the end of the episode, one of her dead patients comes back to life, slays her assistant, and takes some time to get dolled up.

And Bo: She can’t have sex with Dyson. Or Lauren. Or Tamsin. And no sex means she can’t heal. Which is kind of a problem when Musashi shows up and stabs her right in the gut. It is Tamsin who calls her out, and finally Bo admits that she’s seen so much loss and death that she’s having trouble summoning the will to keep living, and that’s why she’s having a hard time with sex stuff. Once she admits that she hates herself for not being able to always save the people she loves, she finds her courage to keep trying. She snags Dyson for some sexual healing while Tamsin and Lauren sit on the counter and awkwardly hear them.

Afterwards, the four of them canoodle on the couch and watch TV and are the family we know and love.

Team TV coverage you may have missed

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+ Grey’s Anatomy Episode 1122 Recap: Gone Girl
Derek ruins Callie and Arizona’s Christmas dreams from beyond the grave. Thanks a lot, pal!

+ Orphan Black Episode 302 Recap: Mangoes Are Not the Only Fruit
Helena and Pupok go on a mango hunt, Alison becomes a pill pusher, Cosima gets sassy with science, and Sarah almost loses Kira again.

+ Fan Fiction Friday: 25 Swan Queen Stories to Make You Wish Upon a Star
If we had a Time-Turner, this list would be 1,000 stories long.

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