Did you watch the launch of Big Brother Australia on Monday night? No, me either. I was out at a concert but couldn’t escape entirely because everyone was live-tweeting the show like it’s a thing we all care about. But then I saw this tweet about one of the housemates and you know what? Suddenly I did care.
I had a hunch that the ‘Tully’ in question would be Tully Smyth, a 25-year old queer girl from Sydney and occasional contributor to Autostraddle. Tully’s given you guidance on navigating social events with your ex and dating girls who are not totally out. She’s shared her feelings about how to most effectively share feelings, recapped her life via girls with guitars and given us some killer heartbreak jams. She’s even experienced the dizzying heights of the Autostraddle Hot 100 and hot 100 femme gallery.
In honour of these valuable contributions to our site, we’re gonna recap the first episode of this damn awful show. Tully scenes only. Deep breath. Let’s go.
This is Tully.
Tully is a social media expert. We know this because in her video introduction she simultaneously juggles a MacBook and iPad while talking on her iPhone. A++ multi-tasking. It includes a shot of her logging into her Tumblr. Legit.
Tully likes girls. We know this because she’s written for this website but also because we’re shown footage of her and her smokin’ hot girlfriend walking their cute dog through Newtown, of all places.
It’s time for the show! After the introduction of many housemates who annoy me already, Tully joins BB host Sonia Kruger on stage for a chat. They start with the most obvious thing which is how hot they’re both looking. Tully quips that viewers should tweet “hashtag Sonia looks amazing tonight”, which feels a little long for a hashtag but I’m not the social media expert, so. Whatever. It’s funny, and the first time I’ve felt remotely entertained since this episode started five hours ago.
There’s a twist! Tully needs to choose a key that will either grant her entry to the super plush Big Brother pad, or, a little shitty section of the house that’s fenced off like a prison cell. Tully’s key is for the halfway house.
There’s no food or hot water, and the mattresses are all half-sized. Sucks for Tully because she’s 10 ft tall, give or take. She takes it all in her super sized stride, rolling on in like prison is NBD and panning that it all looks “amazing…ly bad”. Overall, she appears to have zero fucks re: this whole ‘twist’ thing. Somewhere a pissed producer is plotting her eviction.
A super loud obnoxious toolbag named Tim enters the good side of the house and starts talking smack about the shitty side. Tully visibly hates him. We all visibly hate him. She “jokes” about wanting to punch him out but can’t because perspex.
Tully (to Tim): “Do you even realise that you speak out loud?”
Tully stands around for a bit. She makes further observations about Sonia’s hotness. Everyone agrees that Sonia looked really beautiful tonight.
Tully sits around for a bit. Tim says something stupid about a coconut tree, causing Tully to bust out with “UGH, that Tim guy!” real loud. I’m pretty sure if she keeps saying exactly what we’re all thinking then she’ll win. I think that’s how this show works.
In the diary room, Tully reports on her first day and takes out the title of First Big Brother Housemate To Cry On National Television, 2013. No judgment. I think we all cried a little tonight.
The end.
Really though, we do hope that Tully wins this thing. I’d encourage y’all to vote but honestly I’m not even sure if voting is an option.
