Check Out These Rad Sexy Video Games and Come to a Sex & Video Games Seminar!
Last year’s Halloween I was broke and feeling uncreative, so I went to the Castro with one of my partners and I wore an ironic homemade sign of twine and felt. It read “#GAMERGATE is actually about ethics in video game journalism.” Someone came up to me that night, said “Gamergate! Why you shouldn’t play video games!” Gave me a stern look and stormed off into the night. Most reactions were either offense or vehement agreement. (On the bright side I met two lovely ladies that night who got the joke and later we had sex, so all in all Happy Halloween!)
Next week I’m giving a seminar in San Francisco on sex and video games, at the Center for Sex and Culture and in conjunction with San Francisco Sex Information. (Tickets here, Facebook event here.) Lately I’ve been thinking about what I heard that night, “you shouldn’t play video games.” Video games have been a formative part of me since I was wee. I once wrote a post on tumblr about being trans and loving video games that got circulated so much I was interviewed half a dozen times and invited to as many conferences to speak about my experiences. I love games and I’ve had a good experience at industry events, for whatever that anecdotal evidence is worth.
There is a lot of real harassment and hate and vitriol. Mountains, literal mountains (I don’t know how words make literal mountains but bear with me here) have been written about it, though. Rather than preaching to any number of choirs, I want to talk about a bunch of video games and developers that do things right.
Sexy games, go time now activate NOW!
Gone Home
Gone Home by Fullbright.
In the same way physical sex can have outer and inner erogenous zones, emotional sex can as well. Aftercare cuddles versus hearing someone say those perfect words. You don’t know what those perfect words are but you hope someone knows them and someone says them to you and for one brief moment you can experience a crystalline vision of being known and being loved. Our inner lives, and in particular our inner sexual lives, are the marble from which Gone Home carves its most masterful reliefs. In it you play Katie, a woman who returns home one night from a long trip in Europe. Her home is empty, her sister, father and mother are gone. Over the next few hours you explore the home, following a trail of notes and other evidence to understand what has happened to your family while you have been gone. It is beautiful and real and so hard and so queer and has also won more awards than there are stars in the sky. I’ll spare you the spoilers and nudge you in the direction of its greatness. You won’t be disappointed. So run along now, set aside some time, and bathe in your computer’s warm glow.
Realistic Kissing Simulator
Realistic Kissing Simulator by Jimmy Andrews and Loren Schmidt.
Kissing is WEIRD. What are you even doing?? Stop that. Oh no, oh no you’re doing it wrong. staaaaahp
Christine Love’s Games
Video game is a highly visual medium, obvi, and so when we think of the things we like about them and the things we hate, we tend to think of images, and less so words. How X is dressed, how gory Y is, how bland an environment Z takes place in. For those whom the written word is the end all and the be all, it’s hard to love video games without loving Christine Love. Her first game, Digital: A Love Story, is all about emails you receive from others, and you never see the emails the player character writes, just the way in which others reply to them. Yet you entirely understand who the player character is, what they want and feel. She writes a perfect image of someone without ever writing them. Speaking as someone who writes things occasionally, her mastery of the craft makes me weak in the knees. And then I fall down, because I need my knees to walk. Her games deal deftly with the dynamism of romance, the struggles of understanding one’s identity and desires, and about a thousand of other lovely things under the sun. I really recommend Analogue: A Hate Story, don’t take it personally babe it just ain’t your story and the upcoming Ladykiller in a Bind even though I haven’t played it and barely know anything about it, because such is the pedigree of her work.
Game lovers who are also word lovers oughta check out the works of Porpentine as well, particularly With Those We Love Alive, which has you literally pen the game’s significance to your body. (You’ll see.)
How Do You Do It?
How Do You Do It? by Emmett Butler, Nina Freeman, Joni Kittaka and Decky Coss.
You just watched Titanic (possibly for the millionth time, it’s probably the ‘90s and who can blame you) and so you mash your dolls together to try and understand The Sex. I don’t think we take kids seriously enough, I think because when we were kids we had a lot of important questions about sex shamed out of us. So we just pass the shame on down the line. If we can learn to acknowledge the very meaningful connection between sexuality we experience in youth and the kind we have now, I think we can go a long way to repairing the sexual repression that is so deeply ingrained into so many cultures.
Also I know I am the person writing this article, so ostensibly I am baking up all the fresh words here, but indulge me for a moment and allow me to serve you a day-old bagel. Porpentine said something spot on about the design at work in this game: “The open-ended design is really great. In a way, the spinning mashing poly-anatomical gyrations of the player are closer to queer sexuality than the heteronormative coupling suggested by the Barbie appearance of the dolls. It makes me think of the way sexuality starts out polymorphous, then gets molded into genital fetishism (the popular penis-in-vagina fetish), and then hopefully at a certain point you realize sex is unique to every human being on this planet…”
I totally recommend you check out another neat game about being young and trying to express yourself amidst disapproval! (Wheeee!) It’s call (try to) Dress Up, by Nivikan.
Ute
Ute by Lea Schönfelder.
Ute‘s set-up is thus: your grandmother tells you to “sleep with every man you can get” before you have to settle down and get married. As Ute you wander the streets, sleeping around until there’s only one man left, who then becomes your husby (whether you like it or not). There’s a fascinating divide in the power dynamics here, as Cara Ellison drew to my attention in the inaugural post of her phenomenal S.EXE column. On the one hand, sex ends when Ute climaxes, not when the boys do. The guys are the one’s more ruled by their insecurities, as they refuse to sleep with Ute if they see her with another man, and their sex entirely revolves around their job rather than any other identity.
On the other hand, if there is a man that Ute wants to be with (in a married fashion), the mores instilled in her by her grandmother prevent her from directly seeking him out. It’s Respectability Politics: The Game! Everyone here is enslaved to things that other people gave them and there’s no sense that they can achieve what they really want for themselves. Cis het friends have tried to explain to me the mating rituals commonly involved in their courtship (you can’t have sex on the first date, etc.), but this game made way more sense of them for me than anything anyone ever told me. It’s an educational experience, as well as a solid puzzle and rhythm game players looking for a good challenge.
Consensual Torture Simulator
Consensual Torture Simulator by Merritt Kopas.
Your partner wants you to hurt them until they cry. You’re happy to help out! Aren’t you sweet? Like a lot of my favorite indie games with sexual themes, this game is more about the text at work than the visuals. It allows you to fill in any gaps with your imaginings (and your libido, which is often supes happy to lend a hand, as in your hand)! Rather than, say, depending on awkward wireframe mockups to communicate the movements of the human body. You talk and listen to your partner while things get kinky, and learn to change up the pain in response to their reactions. It’s elegant. It’s hot. I’m thinking about it right now and how it reminds me of my own experiences and I need to… uhh. Y’know, you won’t mind if I step out of the room a sec? I have a thing, an important thing. Yeah. You’ll hardly notice I’m gone.
Luxuria Superbia
Luxuria Superbia by Tale of Tales.
A touchscreen game where you journey through a cuddlier version of that tunnel at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, stroking and playing with the flower as you go (did I mention the tunnel was a flower?). Sighs and moans emit, and if you take your time and don’t rush it you can help the flower reach climax. It’s like detox for all those video games that gave you carpal tunnel from OH GOD TAP FASTER EVERYONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE WILL DIE IF YOU DON’T MASH EVERY BUTTON EVER MADE. This game gives you a gentle back rub and is like, hey, you’re fine, you’re cool, let’s have sexy fun times together.
That’s all for now, folks. Do come check out the seminar, this Tuesday, May 26th at 8pm. And thank you for consenting to read this article, you’ve been a champ. If you like reading things like this, I also recommend Cara Ellison’s Embed With, Leigh Alexander and Laura Hudson’s site Offworld, plus the games of Increpare and the writings (and games from) Video Games for Humans.
This Is Because I’m A Woman: How Sexual Harassment Invaded My Life (And Some Ways to Respond To It)
feature image via stopstreetharassment.org, poster made by Tatyana Fazlalizadeh
There is no way to prepare a person for how much women get hit on. Cisgender men don’t typically experience aggressive flirtation, and cisgender women seem to experience it from birth. I once had a life where I could go blocks, miles, months without a stranger standing in my way, saying,”Hey girl, where you goin’ in such a hurry?” I want to take my personal space bubble to the shop and have it re-inflated to its original size, but that chapter of my life seems to be done.
About a year and a half ago, men started flirting with me a lot. A lot a lot. And then there was the harassment. It hadn’t always been like this, though. For awhile before and after I came out and went full-time lady, I was fairly obviously in transition. The main tip-off was my voice. I didn’t work on it very hard, it was difficult to get myself up to a point that I felt comfortable changing it. I loved my old voice even when I hated most parts of me; it had gotten me acting gigs, I had given presentations to Walt Disney executives with it, I’d helped talk trauma survivors through their pain with it. We were a team. Even when our team-up got me called “he-she” or scowled at in interviews, or just at the grocery store.
To make my life a little easier, I decided to work harder towards changing my voice. Afterwards I blended in more, and then I began to understand, rather than simply “know,” what women had been telling me my whole life. It’s very frightening when, after 20+ years of being left alone when you’re walking down the street, a man comes up to you in a public place in the middle of a Thursday afternoon and says, “I just want you to know I’ve been following you for the last 30 minutes. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I just want you to give me a chance,” and then tries to grab you.
There is a silent, insidious social contract at work here. Because it is so commonplace for men to do many things to women openly without repercussions of any kind. There’s no pretense, no hesitation. It just happens.
Nothing anyone could tell me in advance (though they tried) would have adequately prepared me for the cab driver who picked me up from the rape crisis center where I worked at 1AM. It was raining and as he drove me home he asked if I was gay, because I “look gay” and then asked if I “like to party? Would you like to party with me? Hey, what’s your name?” He was driving 35 mph, so I wasn’t getting out of the car. “I don’t have to tell you my name,” I said. “Oh,” he said, “it’s right here on the request form. Your name’s Morgan. Hi Morgan.” He stopped the car suddenly, turned in his seat and reached his hand out towards my chest. I pressed myself into my seat. I wasn’t thinking, just trying to melt through the back of the car. His fingertips outstretched for my right nipple, and then stopped suddenly. His seat belt had locked and he couldn’t move any farther. He smiled wide, turned his hand over palm up and said,”I just wanted to give you a high five.” My brain jumped out of its coma and I jumped out the door and ran home.
I think that, in another time in history, I would feel comfortable exploring the thin slice of my sexuality pie that is bi. It’s there, I can feel it. It has thoughts about Karl Urban and Charles Dance. It’s just that I don’t feel safe. I originally tried to write this article a year ago, and as I was about halfway through the piece, I stopped to be a good little hippie child and take the house’s compost three blocks to the community dump. It was raining again and no one was around. As I walked away from the dump a man appeared from behind a building fifty feet away, looked me up and down, lowered his head and began walking toward me very fast, saying, “Hey lady. Lady. Hey lady, hey. Hey!” He was chasing me, and again I ran.
Four weeks before that I was walking to work one morning, and I passed in between a group of guys on the sidewalk. They closed ranks around me and started chanting, “Pale white bitch!”
I was at work, and everyone but me was out of the office. A man walked in through the front doors, shirtless, carrying an eight-foot wooden pole. He backs me up against a wall and says, “The red man has come to reclaim this land, but don’t worry, I’m going to protect you.”
I was driving a co-worker to the bus stop one night, and he turned to me and said, “Women like you are thirsty for n***ers like me.”
I was walking out the door from work one night, when a man came out from behind some bushes and stood in my way. I zigged, he zigged. I zagged, he zagged. “Where are you going so fast?” He was faster than me but eventually let me go, and laughed and laughed.
I called to order a pizza and the guy on the other line says, “Your voice sure sounds pretty. Can I give you my number? I get off work at five.”
I was at a drive-thru last week and the guy leaned out the window and said,”Hey, you’re beautiful. What’s your name, girl?”
Every week it’s “hey sweetie,” “hey baby girl,” “hey red.”
Why “red” is my most common cat-call.
It didn’t take long before I wasn’t leaving my home much anymore. Friends I’d opened up to about it often just say, “Welcome to womanhood” or sometimes, “Wow, really? I wish guys would pay that much attention to me.” I can see what they’re saying, because some guys are just trying to tell me I look nice and they’re not going to follow me home or hurt me. (One just bicycled around me a couple times and said, “Little girl, you are the most beautiful,” and pedaled away.)
People have asked me, “Before you came out, how did you interact with women you were attracted to?” I didn’t. I hated my body way, way too much to experience anything libidinous. I was never attracted to anyone sexually until after I came out. Before then I understood my attraction to women (or anybody) like this: “That person seems interesting, I would like to spend more time with them and talk to them more.” Maybe that has made it harder for me to empathize with how the other half lives, because those first 22 years I wasn’t really living.
A few times friends have said, “I guess it’s hard being a trans woman,” to which I say “I don’t think I’m being harassed because I’m trans, I think this is because I’m a woman.” “Oh. Well, are you sure they didn’t know you were trans?”
All of this still happens, but about a year ago I received some advice that has made this part of my life easier. It’s not our responsibility to respond to street harassment a certain way or to do things to avoid it; it’s harassers’ responsibility to leave us alone. Still, sometimes it feels empowering to have specific responses at your disposal. I was teaching volunteers how to be crisis counselors, and had Marty Langelan, author of Back Off: How to Confront and Stop Sexual Harassment and Harassers, as a guest speaker. She gave the class some very simple pieces of advice.
First off, the more things happened to me, the more my posture worsened and the more I stared at the ground. Not making eye contact says to a potential assailant, “This person is not aware of their surroundings and won’t see me coming.” Stand up straight, look confident, walk with a purpose, make eye contact with people. Imagine a sphere going out ten feet in every direction around you. Know everything in that sphere at all times: how people look and how they’re dressed, places your view is obstructed, escape routes. Change up the way you walk home so people can’t learn your routines. Know your streets. Look over your shoulder to see behind you, calmly and confidently and not like a frightened animal. Acknowledge people you make eye contact with with a nod.
Get to know the homeless people in your area, because when every neighbor is staying inside their home, the person who hangs out near your street might be your only witness or your only source of rescue. Have pepper spray already in your hand. Don’t be afraid to cross to the other side of the street if someone gives you a bad feeling; trust your instincts. And to really throw people off their game, tell them what they are doing to you — name their behavior in a public way. “Stop harassing women. I don’t like it, no one likes it, show some respect.” “When you stare at women’s breasts it’s obvious to everyone in the room. Look us in the eyes.” Or one of my own, “My name is not sweetie. It is Ma’am or Miss.” If you’re receiving this behavior from someone you run into a lot, document it (name, date, time, description, place). You may need this later for your supervisor or the authorities.
It took awhile to put these lessons into practice and make them routine, and it will take more than that to get over the fact that the way I move in public places has so changed. I’ve mostly shaken my fear of boyfolk, but the way I’ve always heard it told, a little fear is required. A friend asked me several years back: “Okay, you walk past an alley. A guy is lying there, he asks for help. What do you do?” I ask “Is the answer don’t help him?” “You absolutely help him. You stand away from him, in the street in public view, pull out your phone and say, ‘Would you like me to call 911?'”
Special Note: Autostraddle’s “First Person” column exists for individual queer ladies to tell their own personal stories and share compelling experiences. These personal essays do not necessarily reflect the ideals of Autostraddle or its editors, nor do any First Person writers intend to speak on behalf of anyone other than themselves. First Person writers are simply speaking honestly from their own hearts.
13 Ways to Make Your Long-Distance Relationship The Most Awesome Part of Your Life
I was in a long distance relationship for several years, so I know that staying connected to your huggle bear can be hard. You want to touch them, smell them and, if you’re me, bite their ear. Why don’t the forces of geography and physics rally to both your cries and fold the world up like origami until the front doors of your homes kiss?
But they don’t and won’t, so what are your exquisite selves supposed to do? I hope I can give you some idea of where to begin. We were big on gifts, digital and corporeal, so I’ll focus on that and end with a little advice.
1. Care packages or gift baskets are the bee’s knees. Fill them with the other person’s favorite candies and snacks, or make a creative reference out of the foodables. For example, my girl was a big Star Wars fan so I made sure to pack in Dagoba-brand dark chocolate. She liked Cherry Limeade and, since you can’t send that in the mail, included in the box was a grocery store gift card with a note that read simple “For Cherry Limeades.” Buy sticker packets with letters in them and spell out messages all around the box. Put pictures of you, or more intimately: put in a picture of your hand, your smiling mouth, your sexy shoulder, even your…umm…ear. Ear, yes.
2. Put a handwritten card inside, and be sure to send cards randomly from time to time. Or if one of you has exams or some multi-day, soul-sucking, blergh-arggh thing, mail out a letter every day of the event. When they get home, there’ll be a note welcoming them in from their figuratively rainy day. If you’re both big goofs, pick up these postcard books, which have lovingly lewd messages combined with baby animal pictures.
(If you get along with their folks, remember their birthdays and make sure they get cards, too.)
3. If you’re both sarcastic snarkers, someecards.com is the right gift every time. They have a user-created section so you can build a treasure trove of heartfelt offenses. If you know each other’s username and you’ve both made quite a collection, go to their user page and look through their caustic creations from time to time and exhale fondly.
4. Mail each other a copy of your favorite book. For the bookmark, make it a picture of you holding their favorite book. This also works if you start a book club of two for you and you. Chat about what you read. Make notes in it (or any book) about feels the book inspires in you, or about passages you want to share with your significant O, and then mail them this book.
5. Buy a webcam, don’t settle for the one built into your laptop. Those usually have lower video quality that can make your baby feel further away, or as if they’re not really there in that room (which they are, sweetness. They absolutely are). I recommend a Logitech Webcam Pro 9000, which you can get on the cheap-cheap via eBay, usually for well under $30. It has good A/V quality, plus a nice stand for placing on your monitor or by itself. One couple I knew would leave the webcam on at all times so they could see the other coming and going, or listen to each other’s breathing while they did work.
6. Flowers and a poem.
7. Pick shows and movies and TV events (like the Presidential Debate) to instant message each other during. Many IM applications keep logs of your conversations which you can go back and read later for free warm fuzzies.
8. Start email chains to each other with things like “remind me to tell you about X.” Share calendars to find a free five minutes to call them and say hi. Share documents about things like places you want to travel with each other, food you want to cook for each other, or a playlist of songs you both agree you love.
9. Hold onto tokens that remind you of them, like a movie ticket, and mail it to them later on.
10. Find them a beautiful box. Fill it with 100 hearts, each with one thing you like about them written on it. Put this box in a package and use cookies in ziploc bags as packing material.
11, AskMen (I know, right) had a neat idea for phone sex: a hands-free device. And LovingFromADistance.com suggested using FutureMe.org to send letters to be delivered at any future date you want. Write them a diary entry of how happy they made you today and have it delivered six months or six years from now.
12. Lastly, practical advice. In your conversations: stay positive, talk about the good things in your day. About the good things the other person gives you. Because once you start saying “I miss you” more than “I love you,” you are walking the bad path. You are walking the path where you talk more about how hard this is than anything else. These are the woods. The woods have few exits.
13. Finally really lastly, set an end date and stick to it. Give yourself and them something to shoot for. Don’t keep moving that date, instead move Heaven and Earth to keep it. You’re always almost there. I promise.
Be a Human: Helping People Through Trauma When You Don’t Know What To Say
House: “You’re gonna base your whole life on who you got stuck in a room with?”
Eve: “I’m gonna base this moment on who I’m stuck in a room with. It’s what life is. It’s a series of rooms. And who we get stuck in those rooms with adds up to what our lives are.”
“One Day, One Room,” House M.D.
In the quoted episode, House M.D. diverts from its typical formula of: 1. House guesses wrong about the disease but think he’s right, 2. House guesses wrong again about the disease but think he’s right, 3. House guesses right about the disease.
A woman who has been raped enters the hospital, connects with House and won’t open up to anyone about her trauma but him. House is confused, because there is no disease for him to be wrong about curing. He tries to avoid the responsibility, but ultimately they settle into a long conversation and they each find a little solace. No medical mystery, just people talking.
At some moment, perhaps several moments, in your life, you will be in a room with someone who is disclosing to you about their trauma — rape, domestic violence, human trafficking, suicide, etc. You may freeze up or panic. “What should I do?” You may not know this person, or you may not want to know this person. You may want to leave the room and not come back. Or maybe they’re your dad, or your girlfriend. Maybe you will leave, maybe you won’t. For argument’s sake, and because I have nowhere to go with this if you don’t stay, let’s say you stay. What now? (Make sure to ask if they just want to talk to you and are not currently interested in seeking outside care.)
Before I go any further into this, here are my credentials. I went through a 32-hour volunteer counselor training at a domestic violence and rape crisis center. I helped facilitate and train, but was also learning myself, during a 55-hour counselor training for another rape crisis center. I’ve logged a few hundred hours as a crisis counselor, and also worked as a full-time employee with a rape crisis center for a few months.
The purpose of this article is not to condense those trainings, my experience or the hundreds of pages of notes I have in front of me. You are not going to be a counselor, you are going to be just another human in a room. What I can do is give you are a few key strategies and some helpful things to consider when you do find yourself in that room.
Well, the irony of this piece’s title is that you won’t be doing most of the talking. We can break down what happens in this room four ways (in no particular order): Considerations, Questions, Affirmations and Self-care.
Considerations
via MorgueFile
Listen. Listen. Listen. When they are talking, be listening, don’t be trying to guess what to say next. You are not Freud, do not try to channel him, you’ll just end up with an opium addiction. Really, be yourself. Respect where the person is coming from, meet them where they are in their lives. Do this by imagining a spectrum, where you are on one end, with your loved ones and life experiences, and they are on the other end with theirs. Walk yourself over to their side of the spectrum. This is called “meeting them where they are.” Do this instead of lecturing, moralizing or telling the person why they did what they did. At the end of the day, people are the experts on themselves, you cannot fix them or troubleshoot their life for them.
Silence is a powerful tool, for them and you. Don’t feel like you need to impregnate them with words every time, give them space to put together their thoughts. You can also reassure them you’re “here to listen whenever they’re ready. You can change your mind about this or stop whenever you want to.” And if there is so much to the story and they don’t know where to start, you can say, “Sometimes it’s pretty hard to talk about things. Just begin where it’s comfortable for you.” Keep a moderate tone of voice. Allow them to talk at their own pace, but try to remind them it’s okay to focus on their feelings and emotions and needs. This can help divert them away from,”But what will everyone else think about this?” Don’t minimize their feelings or tell them to “get it together.” Just because they may have suffered psychological trauma rather than physical trauma, does not make their feelings less true or their experience less real. Listen, believe and validate.
And remember, their thoughts and opinions about what happened can change over time or over the course of the conversation. That’s just healthy processing, in the same way the stories we tell about ourselves change over time.
Questions
via Oberazzi
Don’t be afraid to ask questions to clarify or to help them be more specific:
“What I hear you saying is X, is that right?”
“When you said you were worried about Y, what did you mean by that?”
“Would you like to tell me more about Z?”
Open-ended questions are the best way to establish a rapport, as opposed to closed-ended questions which only have a yes or no answer. “Did you have a good relationship with your parents?”is a closed-ended question, and can even be a little judgmental and leading. “What was your relationship with your folks like?” allows them to tell their own story in their own way. Even if you think you know where they are going with their story, don’t try to lead them there. “She hit you, didn’t she?” is a leading question. “How did she react to that?” is not.
Avoid why questions:
“Why did you leave the party with them in the first place?”
“Why did you do something like that?”
“Why didn’t you just wait until you were ready?”
Ask questions that help empower their healing:
“How can I help you?”
“What do you want to do about the situation?”
“What would you like to do but maybe haven’t yet?”
“How have you handled problems (like this) in the past and has that worked for you?”
“Have you thought about maybe trying to get back into some of your old routines? It can help to do things that are familiar.”
Or simply, “How are you feeling?”
Asking yourself questions can help you stay present:
“Who is doing the majority of the talking, them or me?”
“Am I asking more questions than I need to?”
“Am I reflecting back things that they say to show I am listening?” (“What I heard you say is X?”)
They may ask questions along the lines of, “What should I do?” or “Do you think I did the right thing?” Avoid telling them what to do. You are supporting those decisions, what they are, but it’s rarely helpful to tell someone what decisions are right and wrong. This is their story and their journey, after all. You can give them options (for ex. “Would you like to call the police?”) or ask them what they would like to do about this situation. Trying to take charge of a situation from someone and solve it for them, especially if they are in a fragile state, can lead to them relying on you when ultimately they are learning how to rely on themselves.
Affirmations
The rule in Hollywood screenplay writing is, to help make sure you have communicated a point or a piece of information to the audience, “Tell them. Tell them what you just told them. And tell them again.” The first time someone told you that something you felt bad about “wasn’t your fault,” did you believe them the first time, really? Many people need to hear these kinds of things a few times before they’ll believe them themselves. Show someone, by words and actions, that you believe them, that it’s not their fault, that you can imagine this is very hard for them, that they are safe now and that they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to. All of these affirmations can help lead people in the direction of healing. It reminds them that they are not alone, that other people have been through this and come out the other side, and that it’s really and truly going to be okay.
Another way you can offer affirmation, while at the same time reflecting back what they are saying, is to use some of the following:
“I really like the way you A.”
“That was very creative how you B.”
“You showed a lot of self-control when you C.”
“It may not seem like much, but I think it was really impressive how you D.”
“You have a real gift for E.”
“I really like the way you F.”
Or something like, “Your anger is perfectly normal and understandable.”
“No one deserves to be treated the way you were.”
Self-care
via marS
These can come towards the end of the conversation, but really they can come anywhere. They’re about building healthy coping behavior for the future. Emphasize that they can decide what to do when they are ready and that they don’t have to operate on anyone else’s timeline. Remind them that it’s okay to pace themselves in their actions and take things one day at a time. Tell them that if they ever need to make boundaries with people because they need space, but don’t want to cut others out of their lives, to limit their time with people based on their needs, to feel free to not answer the phone when it rings or to be open to being honest with people about their need for space.
You can encourage them to rest, drink water and eat. You can make suggestions and give them options like:
“Do you think writing this down, or keeping a journal, or making a zine would help you process?”
“Would you like to look up meditation, relaxation or exercise regimens that might help?”
“Would you like to talk to someone at a local crisis center or shelter, or find resources from the closest LGBT center?”
Feel free to encourage them towards speaking with a counselor or someone they trust about what they have gone through. Maybe they have already done that and they just needed a space to talk. Maybe they’re deepening your relationship by sharing this with you and they don’t want any special care. This is just about presenting you and them with options, should you need to make use of them.
I was a person that our counselors would go to when they needed to unpack from a challenging session. I know hearing about this stuff can be hard, or if not hard you may just need to get something out of your system. Respect the fact that you need to take care of yourself, too, but I encourage you not to do so in a way that breaks anyone’s confidence or desire for privacy. Just because you don’t name their name in a conversation with someone else does not mean that that person won’t be able to figure out who this is, or may later run into them. Instead, do things that make you feel good, even if it’s just talking to a friend about nothing or simply being in the same room with someone.
If this was rape or violence, let them know that it’s a crime but support their decision about whether or not to report it. If they would like to do a rape kit and the assault has just taken place, inform them that showers and even going to the bathroom can destroy vital criminal evidence.
My final point takes me back to Dr. House. In the episode, House discloses to the woman about childhood trauma he suffered at the hands of family members, and in turn Eve opens up what happened to her. If you have been through something similar, it is a gray area and a judgment call as to whether or not you should disclose. On one hand, you may end up crying and holding each other and it’s a powerful moment. On the other hand, you may end up unintentionally hijacking the conversation about what you went through, welling up and wanting support of your own from the other person. I’m not calling any of these things right or wrong, but it is far safer to stay focused on them than it is to share too much of the focus with you.
I hope you have found something helpful in all of this. These are links to a series of hotline numbers you can share about mental health counseling, substance abuse, rape, violence, suicide, child abuse, abuse of the elderly, and so on. I would like to thank InterAct of Wake County and the D.C. Rape Crisis Center, whose training are the backbone of much of my counseling experience and the information I used to put together this support 101 piece.
11 TV Shows That Were Too Good To Last
If you search online for the great canceled TV shows, you’ll see a lot of mine and your favorites: Firefly, Freaks & Geeks, Everwood, Twin Peaks, Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies and of course My So-Called Life. There are so many fabulous short-lived titans of quality out there, though. Here are a few names you might not find familiar, but are worth familiarizing yourself with.
Profit
“When you want someone to love you, open your heart. When you want someone obsessed with you, close it.” – Jim Profit
Some shows are special because they teach us how to better live our lives. Some shows are special because pretty women and high Bechdel Test scores and things. Profit is special because it is evil. Not in the wishy washy Soprano’s or Dexter evil, where they’re “kinda sorta good and/or well-meaning.” I mean evil-evil, I mean if they ran a Chili’s they would serve baby back ribs made from actual babies.
Adrian Pasdar stars as Jim “Wants To Watch The World Burn” Profit, a sociopath with eyes on climbing the corporate ladder at any cost. While he’s not above murder, it’s his mind that’s his scariest asset. Not only do his plots-within-plots scratch the ears of the sadistic kitten in all of us, but he also has a mesmerizing way of talking to the audience before going to bed at night, offering anti-Aesops like the quote above in an effort to teach us his worldview. It was canceled after scores of viewers in the Bible Belt called in to protest a show about “Satan in a suit,” and so while Profit may not have been for the faint of heart it was for the lover of writing. For dark and smart television aficionados I have got just the mad man for you.
Way to watch: Buy on Amazon or rent on Netflix.
United States of Tara
Tara: “What are you putting everywhere?”
Dr. Hattaras: “Rat traps.”
Tara: “What? I don’t wanna know there are rats in here!”
Dr. Hattaras: “Then don’t think of them as rat traps. Think of them as mice traps or rabbit traps or…or kitten traps. When the kittens eat the bacon, this bit will just come over and stroke its back, and they will live forever.”
If the 2009 Emmy’s had decided to give Toni Collette five Best Actress awards for each of her many personalities, I can’t imagine anyone blaming the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences. Created, written and produced by Diablo Cody (Juno), it is purely perfect dysfunctional family comedy. Starring Ms. Collette as Tara, this married mother of two struggles to handle the many women (and men) inside her head that want to come out and dance in her meat suit. Couldn’t be as perfect as it is without a fabulous ensemble cast in the form of her family. Banter of the highest order found herein, this show is a giver of gloriously shit-eating grins. Bonus: if you’re like me and get vicarious embarrassment for on-screen awkwardness, prepare to hide under your blanket a lot.
Way to watch: Buy on Amazon or stream or rent on Netflix.
Drive
If you’re a fan of canceled TV, whether you know it or not you’re a fan of Joss Whedon co-conspirator Tim Minear. @CancelledAgain on Twitter, he has served as executive producer and writer on a number of exceptionally well-constructed shows that were critical and/or geek darlings but were unable to find a lasting audience. You may recognize some: Firefly, Angel, Terriers, Dollhouse, Wonderfalls, The Chicago Code, The Inside. One such show is Drive, about dozens of strangers thrust into an illegal cross country road race for $32 million, or in some cases their heart’s desire. Nathan Fillion and Emma Stone were definitely compelling notches in its belt, but brass tacks: it’s fun. Action series are so hard to do right in television because of budget constraints, but visually and viscerally Drive manages to deliver the distilled joy of the Fast & Furious franchise without stepping too hard in an angst cow pie. So if you’ve ever wanted to see Firefly’s writing chocolate in Top Gear’s peanut butter, then welcome home.
Way to watch: Stream on Amazon.
Brimstone
Ezekiel Stone, a name for whom his parents should receive a citation for practically cursing their child to be a hardboiled detective, died and was damned to Hell for killing the man who raped his wife. Stone is returned to Earth by the Devil when 113 damned souls escape, tasked with executing each of them in exchange for a clean slate and a second chance at life. Immediately stands out for its saturated visual style and being sweet and hopeful despite painting with wide cynical brushstrokes. I think if Brimstone had come out now during our current buzz for fantasy action series it would have lasted a lot longer.
Way to watch: YouTube.
Journeyman
Livia: “You don’t even seem like Katie’s type.”
Dan: “What’s her type?”
Livia: “I don’t know; Jack’s a cop — edgy commitment-phobic, a bad boy — you’re not.”
Dan: “I’m a recovering gambling addict who travels through time — I have some things going for me.”
A Quantum Leap-esque series about a man pulled against his will through time and space to help people, Journeyman does sci-fi right and strives for one better, a strong romance. Watch the first episode, “A Love of a Lifetime.” By 3/4 of the way in you’ll be sold on the notion that lead Dan and his wife Katie are doomed, and by 4/4 you believe again in the indomitable power of love to conquer all. This is the show’s greatest strength, and perhaps too its greatest failing in maintaining a mainstream audience: it’s so hard. Dan and Katie and everyone fight so hard to be happy over the course of an episode’s 44 minutes that by the time they find some sliver of joy at episode’s end you, my friend, are emotionally drained. But for those willing to take the plunge, Journeyman pays back in dividends for your time.
Way to watch: Hulu.
Jack & Bobby
“Is sarcasm your only mode now, Jack? I mean, I know you’re only a teenager but it might be time to mix things up a bit.”-Grace McCallister (played by the always excellent Christine Lahti)
This is a show for people who like teen dramas but need equal time given to check-ins with the adult population, ala Everwood. Add an extra star to your mental score if you also crave a little of The West Wing’s starry-eyed political musing. Centered around two brothers, one of whom will become President of the United States in the year 2040, J&B intersperses decisions the brothers make in real-time with political commentary from friends, running mates, competitors and pundits in the future, monologuing about how a choice in their youth affected political motivations in their adulthood. It’s weird, right? But it’s also the kind of brilliant genre-meshing I think we would all benefit, intellectually, from seeing more of.
Eight More Kickass Podcasts You Should Be Listening To
When I saw Brittani’s Eight Podcasts That Aren’t This American Life, I was jumping up and down in my chair in excitement, forever altering the butt groove I’ve been cultivating in the seat all these years. But it was totes worth it — losing the butt groove — as I’m quite the podcast fanatic and gobble up every piece of praise for these auditory artworks. So if Ms. Brittani doesn’t mind me hitching a ride on her coattails, I would delight in sharing some of my own podcast recommendations. And I hope that if you find one you fancy, you’ll consider making a modest donation to that show, as literally a couple bucks a month will cover your bandwidth footprint. They all get by on a little help from their friends, just like Autostraddle.
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NPR’s Planet Money
Anything economicsy is automatically assumed to be economicky, I know. But there was a long time after the ’08 crash where I would curl up in the fetal position about things other than the closet, and those things were of course the job market. Then one day This American Life did a jaw-plummetingly good episode called “When Patents Attack!” with a group of ragtag moneysexuals from a place called Planet Money. They breezily and easily bust down the dismal science to its most digestible and memorable parts, allowing me a kind of footing in our ever changing dollah dollah bills universe that feels like a warm blanket on a cold Autumn night. There’s a celestial body looking out for you up there, and it’s called Planet Money.
Frequency: Two a week.
Recs:
“Who Killed Lard?”
“Can Lincoln Be Cool Again?”
“Lighthouses, Autopsies and the Federal Budget”
“Can We Create Banks We Love?”
“What Do Private Equity Firms Actually Do?”
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The Tobolowsky Files
I could try and sell you on what amounts to several dozen free mini autobio audio books, but instead I’ll let an excerpt from veteran Hollywood actor (Glee, Memento) and show star Stephen Tobolowsky do the convincing for me.
I was lucky in that I was never completely swallowed up in [cocaine] as so many others have been. I never spent more than $800 a week, and that was a lot back then but it was a lot less than what some of my other drug friends spent. Friends who lost their homes, relationships, even went into debt to maintain their new identity as quote casual drug user who thought it would be cool to die young, end quote. I’m not being dramatic, that was the boast. To die young and leave a beautiful corpse. Foolishness. People who came up with that one either didn’t know corpses, or didn’t know beauty.
Draw a bath and enjoy these adult bed time stories of love, loss and life’s mysteries.
Frequency: Intermittent.
Recs:
“Conference Hour”
“Contagion”
“The Man in the Closet”
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Love + Radio
If This American Life has a sexy, chain smoking cousin who sits on the hood of its ’68 Mustang, staring at the moon and wondering what it’s all for, that cousin is Love and Radio, produced by Nick van der Kolk. A show that sometimes has a host, sometimes doesn’t, that sometimes tells the truth and sometimes only seems to, L+R shrugs off labels the way your cat does the hats you try to put on it. Ten minutes overhearing conversations in a restroom? Sure. A balloon-porn star? Fair game. An interview with a man named Jay Thunderbolt who runs a strip club out of his living room? That and more lies locked away in this thoughtful, manic, honest gem of a show. P.S. The music, God, the music.
Frequency: Intermittent.
Recs:
“The Wisdom of Jay Thunderbolt”
“How I Found Out My Relationship Had No Future, Part 1”
“The List”
“The Businesswoman”
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WXPN’s World Cafe Next
Hosted by soft spoken super geek David Dye, World Cafe Next is a weekly double barrel shot of studio tracks from someone, usually amazing, who you’ve never heard of. I can give no better recommendation than to say that, like Pandora.com, if it weren’t for this my life would be less than it is. Do be sure to give Dye and WXPN’s other show, World Cafe Words & Music, a listen if you like interviews and supple live recordings.
Frequency: Weekly
Recs:
“BADBADNOTGOOD”
“Said The Whale”
“John Fullbright”
“Japandroids”
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Savage Lovecast
Relationship advice columnist Dan “It Gets Better” Savage can seem so caustic and divisive at times it’s hard to remember he’s actually a very affirming and nurturing advice doler outer. Or at least when he feels like it, though since starting IGB he’s definitely ramped up his educating and ramped down his shock jocking. He’s one of the most articulate authorities on the value of open relationships, rationally unpacking his points rather than beating us boring monogamous people over the head with a big elitism stick.
All of that loveliness, and he also has the occasional gorgeous monologue. I can’t find the source among his many hundreds of episodes, but he essentially asked what defines a successful relationship for most people? It’s being together until you’re both old and die, and that’s a fairy tale we’re made to feel guilty for not fulfilling. So, he said, why not redefine a “successful relationship” as people who are happy together and then split up after X amount of time on good, mutual terms? He wanted to make the phenomenon of the successful relationship more common, seeming to say that just because you didn’t get married after two years doesn’t mean those two years weren’t the best two years.
Frequency: Weekly on Tuesdays.
Recs: The last 100 or so. Episode 292 has a great rundown on finding good, safe sex toys, 296 is a live one featuring comedy band Garfunkel & Oates, and 276 is co-hosted with none other than Ira Glass.
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The Film Talk
I hosted a film review podcast for about two years that got up to about ten or so thousand downloads an episode and netted me an unforgettable two weeks covering South by Southwest where I would run into, and God help me chat up, Adrien Brody outside a men’s restroom. When the door on my time at MovieChatter closed, a window opened overlooking a meadow called The Film Talk. Tightly edited, razor sharp insightful, funny and classy and, the most important thing to a critical work, has clearly explained and explored opinions. Hosts Jett Loe and Gareth Higgins have a rare energy and an enthralling vocabulary, Jett noting a film’s poor design as “bad film grammar” and Gareth saying that Prometheus doesn’t have big ideas, it has “pretend epic shades.” For film buffs and film babies alike seeking a smart cinema show, The Film Talk abides.
Frequency: Intermittent.
Recs:
“Prometheus.”
“Hugo, The Muppets”
“The Hunger Games Revisited, A Separation, The Raid, Mirror Mirror”
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WNYC’s Radiolab
This American Life‘s lab coat wearing co-worker co-toiling in the Knowledge Mines won the MacArthur Genius Grant for a reason, but maybe you already knew that? With stories of science and mathematics’ intersection with the human experience, hosts Jad and Robert fill full that hole in your heart that forms when you leave academia for the last time. They make the hard science’s unflinching logicmindedness accessible by always keeping one foot planted in the “I Just Don’t Know Why This Happened But My Gosh Isn’t The Universe A Grand And Beautiful Place” camp that was colonized by Galileo, Isaac Newton and Carl Sagan. If podcasts formed a university, Radiolab could make a strong case for being Dean on the effort it puts into sound design and editing alone, so just imagine what else this show is capable of.
Frequency: Every two weeks.
Recs:
“The Turing Problem” (If you listen to nothing else I say in this article, please, please listen to “The Turing Problem.”)
“Guts”
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Matt Darey’s Nocturnal
If there is a podcast that I would eat and make one with me if I but could, it’s Matt Darey’s Nocturnal. It could buy a nice vacancy on a rib bone across the street from my heart. My heart and it’d sip Long Island Ice Teas in rocking chairs and watch the world go by and miss nothing. This was my first podcast, a Saturday afternoon feature on DI.fm’s excellent Trance station. (I will allow this pause for Trancesexual jokes.) Every week Mr. DJ Matt Darey releases an episode of Nocturnal, which is one hour of the latest soothe-tronic meditative rave music from multiple renowned artists for free. I’m going to repeat that: an hour of free music, every week, that you can keep forever, going on seven years now. In addition, another free one hour, single artist mix composed just for that episode is made available for streaming.
I haven’t the faintest idea what his business model is, but it seems to work because his concerts are apparently huge and awesome. If you can hear me out there, Matt Darey, your show is so good, and so just plain nice of you to do how you do, that going to a concert of yours is an easy add to my bucket list.
Also if you, the reader, are into faster beats you should check out his other free show Nocturnal Sunshine, and if you do like any of the music you hear (you will) please support the artists.
Frequency: Weekly.
Recs: “Episode 354” is a good place to start. Also, every 50 episodes he releases a double length Best Of, so those are worth a listen.
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Hosted by Women
The Social Hour with Amber MacArthur and Sarah Lane (social media news and views)
Third Gender Radio with Bailey Jay (transfolk interview show)
This Week in Law with Denise Howell (latest law developments in the tech sector)
Top Score with Emily Reese (video game composer talk show)
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My To Listen List
99% Invisible with Roman Mars (puts a spotlight to stories in design and architecture)
NPR’s It’s All Politics with Ron Elving and Ken Rudin (high energy discussion of the current political landscape)
NPR’s Foreign Dispatch with Kevin Beesley (top stories in international news)
Intelligence Squared (U.S) with John Donvan (Oxford-style debate show on everything under the sun)
Nerdist Writer’s Panel with Ben Blacker (TV screenwriters talk about the business)
19 Terribly Interesting Tips On Raising A Trans Kid (From A Trans Kid)
Originally published on Translabyrinth.
Jezebel’s got a story of a 10 year old transgirl named Jackie (formerly Jack). Jackie’s parents ended up earning a 10 out of 10 for supportiveness (not to mention extra fluffy cushions on their sofa in Heaven) for their role in helping Jackie transition at the age of 10. Of course, by pop culture standards that makes her, like, 30, but better late than never, right? Truly though, it’s touching to see something that once had to be silently swept under the carpet become fair fodder for the day-to-day news. If there’s one thing I learned from the GaGa going GuyGuy the other night, it’s that whether or not her on-stage gender flip was another tired pop star trope, it’s really the repetition of things like this that helps society’s medicine go down. And there’s nothing 24 hour news stations do better than repeat things incessantly. Can I get a high five?
All this got me thinking about my now blank-firing genitals. See, before I started pumping concentrated Woman down my veins (that’s W on the periodic table of elements. Yes, I know someone told you it was Tungsten, but people lie to you, get over it), I had this thing called fertility. And during that dark, boobless chapter of my life, I had my baby bullets frozen. Now, I could sell these as cocktail ice at a gay male orgy, or I could put ‘em in a lady. And how would I react if my spawnlings turned out to be trans? I wandered around my home for awhile today, looking back on my childhood, what I would have wanted, and remembered what I’ve learned about love and support from GF, friends and family. Thus, this list.
(Pre-disclaimer: some people don’t realize they’re trans until well past their childhood. No two transitions are alike, and no one’s gender identity should be held under suspicion simply because it doesn’t follow a mold.)
Make your home an inclusive one. No, this doesn’t mean leaving your doors unlocked, I’m far too paranoid an American to recommend that. But one of my biggest disadvantages growing up (which was in no way my own folks’ fault, as transpeople still aren’t common knowledge now) was not knowing that transgender people existed. It’s easily segued from the love conversation: sometimes girls love boys, sometimes girls love girls, and sometimes girls want to be boys. Even when I was very young, I latched onto any examples of gender variance in my life, and when they were negative images (like from porn), I didn’t have any parentally-backed ones to counterpoint them with. Set a good example by making it seem normal, boring and everyday.
Don’t equate “Mommy I want to wear girls clothes” with “Mommy is the stork going to make a second trip to drop off my vagina?” Just because your child has these feelings doesn’t mean they are trans, genderqueer or simply fabulous. However, they do need the space to figure themselves out, and if you deny them that I guarantee you the feelings will only intensify over time. If you deny them this chance to express themselves in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone, it will only lead to complexes, trust issues and even more identity issues. SPOILER ALERT: everything you do as a parent makes these.
Splash water in their face? Boom! Aguaphobia.
Talk to your kid about how far they want to go right now. Some are aching to change everything now, some are just wanting to test the waters in a safe space. Talking takes precedence, and that’s why this is an okay time to exert some parental authority and say “You can’t have everything now.” But girls tend to like piercings, and boys like shorter hair, so why not start there?
Consider a therapist, but only if you’re willing to do some leg work. Therapists need to be asked about their familiarity with gender, and working with kids. Also, seek out trans or LGBT support groups and ask if they have any therapists to recommend, or advice to offer. If you have a middle school or younger age kid, consider going without them to that meeting the first time (you need to make sure this is a good group, because not all are). However, if your child tends towards the hyper confident end of the spectrum and doesn’t mind outing themselves to a group of strangers, you go, transkid.
Don’t run and tell everyone that your kid is trans just to get it over with. Tell people as they need to know, unless there’s a family member or friend your kid feels they should tell, and is one that you feel will react in a positive manner. If you’re Super Parent (and if you are, sorry about everyone on Krypton dying and everything, that sure sucks), you may want to go telling your family and friends The New World Order, but the more people who know the more pressure can be put on a child to make up their mind one way or another. Also, odds are your kid won’t want pronouns out of the gate, so call them your daughter if that’s who they are right now, and if they change that to son later, say that later. You’re not here to make other people feel comfortable, you’re here to make just one person the most comfortable person ever. So do that.
When it comes to schools, talk to their teacher first when they start living a significant period of the day in their new gender’s clothing (if they’re in elementary school). If there’s bullying, talk to an administrator, but don’t do so with the assumption you’re going to have to fight them all the way to the Lifetime movie adaptation of your struggle. Most people, yourself included until your kid became trans, don’t know as much about gender variance, so be ready to take the lead, educate, and make it clear that the school’s job is to prevent any kind of bullying. Also, never let changing schools be off the table. If they’re in middle school or high school, don’t divulge to their, what, eight teachers, until they’re going to school in dress. Talk to teachers of whatever classroom they’re being bullied in, first, if they’re not full time new gender at school.
If your kid changes dress in the younger age bracket (0-10), their peers’ll likely just accept what you tell them. “Your girl is a boy? Capital! Now where’s your most edible ground?” -Their peers. Really, kids are mega-accepting and submissive to authority figures when they’re young. That is, until the fruit of knowledge begins properly digesting and we all become twats in middle school. A good friend of mine (let’s call her Tessa) who’s a transwoman, fathered a kid just before she transitioned. She told this daughter, Melisa, when she was about 2 that mommy Tessa used to be a boy, but Tessa wasn’t happy being a boy and became a girl. Melisa’s response even years later? A perpetual motion machine of love.
Hormones can be a comfort for kids, but never let them be a crutch. If they’re younger, tell them that if their body starts making them too much like a girl or a boy, they can stop that if they feel comfortable with it. If older, only if they can come to you knowing everything good and bad these drugs do. It’s important that they understand their identity emotionally before they get too fixated on their identity chemically. (Hormones don’t fix the self, they just give it different wrapping paper)
On fertility. This may be an awkward convo for a suddenly hormonal 11 year old who wants their body to stop changing them the wrong way. Yes, hormones, especially at that young an age, can *potentially* end their ability to have babies forever. Talk to doctors and see if anything can be frozen. If it can’t, you and your kid need to decide if X amount of time without hormones is something they (and not you) can live with until something can be frozen. If not, there are an awful lot of unadopted, love-worthy kids on this planet.
Encouragement. Yes, you may need time to mourn the “death” of the child you’ll never have again, but don’t put that pain on them. They need you to be strong, they need to think of you when they’re afraid, and not the fear. If they know someone can stay by them and be strong, that makes all the difference. For ‘xample, I was very hard on myself at the beginning of transition, but GF never flinched in daily reminding me how strong I was and how wonderful I was for being true to myself, and over time, when I would find myself on the floor, wet eyed, shaking and scared, I would stop replaying my fears and would instead remember her, and her sureness. That’s what you want: the magic of repetition.
Family who is not on your side will not be accepted. That is all.
Don’t force them into their new gender. You know your kid, even if right now it feels like you don’t. You know whether or not your kid is the kind who’d be happy to come home from school one day and find their room pink and every trapping of their old life replaced with bunnies, bunnies and more bunnies. You see, whether I’d been born guy or girl, I’d still think My Fair Lady and Starship Troopers are excellent, so let your kid explore their gender rather than tell them what it is. I wouldn’t have been broken hearted to come home and find Ultraman hugging a stuffed kitty.
Or tackling Ryugulo’s mighty head knife. I was a weird kid.
Part of encouragement is telling them it’s okay to be wrong. They need to know they can come to you with doubts, especially if they want to change their minds about hormones, pronouns, their name, anything. Would you want to be judged? No? Then do unto others.
Don’t erase yourself from this equation. Have a support network of your own, because you’ll need someone to lean on if this hurts. It’s not your kid’s fault, nor yours, but the biggest trip-up in parenting is pretending you’re a magic fixit machine. You’re a person who feels. Just spare the child the woe you’re writing in your heart and save it for that certain someone great at making you feeling less ARRGH-sad.
Stand up for them. They’re very probably terrified in one way or another, and if they don’t learn to expect someone to stand up for them, they’ll withdraw, hiding their real self in the dark place where it’s safe. Correct people on pronouns. Stare back at starers. Answer questions to your heart’s content, not someone else’s. You can always walk away from a conversation and no one will arrest you. If someone tries to tell you about how to raise your kids, well, if you’re in the 1950′s you can say “Sure thing, Mrs. Willoughby, we’ll get right on that.” If you’re in New York you can say “Yourself: go fuck it.” Or if you’re a regular person you can say something hokey like “I’m just letting my child be who they are in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone,” because you’re a parent and you say things that are well-intentioned and hokey.
How cool and in touch your kids see you. (neck beard and all)
Gender Spectrum has piles of good advice, so here’s a few of their tips:
If there’s trouble at school, keep records of it. Who with, what day. This will give you something to bring to administrators, PTA meetings, teachers, etc.
Make sure you and your kid understand the difference between privacy and secrecy. Secrecy is frequently something you’re ashamed of, and that’s not what your youngin should feel. Privacy is explaining to your kid that not everyone accepts this, and that telling everyone everything is not what a person does for anything in their life, least of all this. Work out between the two of you what’s the right thing to say when asked, like rehearsing a script.
If your child moves back and forth between genders “a lot,” accept that maybe they’re a crossdresser, maybe they’re genderqueer, or maybe, just maybe, they’re a person who gets confused and unsure. The same way you do about everything you’ve ever known, including and especially about who you are. Most of transition is being in a safe space to act out your identity. So it’s not about whether your child is “really” a boy or “really” a girl, it’s about accepting that your child is your child, and needs help.
Now, post-disclaimer (but ha, you suckers read the whole thing anyway! Except for you down scrollers, who I’ll soon exact vengeance upon): this is a guide that was written in reaction to the story of 10 year old Jackie (plus some inspiration from another ABC News piece), but like general parenting 101, there is no ‘parenting trans kids 101’ textbook. All there is is showing up to class. Situations vary for each kid, regardless of age, but I find that when I’m feeling lost, reading through guides can help shine a light where once there was just darkness to blindly grope about in. You’ll make mistakes, but this is how you learn. Or as transman pastor Aaron Raz Link said, “Forgive yourself for learning instead of knowing.”
If you have hella helpful additions or teeth-gnashing criticisms, deliver them to the comments below, or my electronic mailing service via femail@translabyrinth.com. I certainly don’t want to write from a vacuum when there’s whole communities of people out there who can help me increase people’s collective knowledge, or something equally cuddly and LeVar Burtony like that.
w/luv,
M
“Family In The Beach” photo courtesy of artist photostock at freedigitalphotos.net.
“Love heart” and “Etienne Parent” photos courtesy of acobox free images and hosting.