Paris Hilton’s Tinkerbell is Dead and I Am So Sad How Do I Go On
Hello Autostraddle. This is Tinkerbell and I am seven years old. I am also very famous and very skinny, but one of my eyeballs is bigger than the other eyeball. I have three outfits, but I will soon have four outfits because I am sitting shiva for Tinkerbell. Not me, the other Tinkerbell. You have to wear black to sit shiva and two of my outfits are pink and one is red. The red one says UH HUH HER on it and it was signed by Leisha Hailey who wrote that I am a “hot dog.” But back to the topic of this post which is that my heroine Tinkerbell is dead and I am so sad, how do I go on:
A long time ago, I was a purse. Then Riese took me in and named me Tinkerbell. She named me after the world’s most beautiful dog besides me; Tinkerbell:
In honor of this sad day, probably the worst day in the herstory of dogkind, Paris Hilton has posted multiple pictures of Tinkerbell on her instagram webpage. This is an important moment for visibility for small dogs who like to wear pink.
As the only surviving Tinkerbell, I feel a great pressure to live up to the legacy of my foremother. Riese has promised me that I can do this without having to miss any episodes of my favorite television program Melrose Place. The other day while I was tossing and turning inside a pillow case inside a washing machine I was thinking about my own mortality and decided that I have no mortality.
This is me when Riese dressed up as Paris Hilton for Halloween and I went as Tinkerbell:
Enough about me, today is the other Tinkerbell’s day. I will be watching Tinkerbell highlight reels on YouTube and looking in the mirror while chanting the Mourner’s Kaddish. Riese has assured me that I will not die because “seriously this past year has been f*cked enough.” I do not know what that means but I do feel that I am still robust.
Unfortunately, Tinkerbell (not me, the other Tinkerbell) is no longer robust. I would like to offer Paris Hilton the opportunity to hold me close to her chest while sleeping on her golden princess bed if she ever feels sad or alone.
I was informed of this news by Angry Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios, who told me, “RIP Tinkerbell, survived only by the other, more famous Tinkerbell who lives with Riese.” I felt two feelings at that moment:
1. Thank you for recognizing my fame
2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
“I’m very sad. Willow gets to be on the couch all day today if she wants. She can even lay on Carrie’s grandmother’s snuggly blanket,” said Bren, who cares deeply about Carrie’s grandmother.
“It’s really sad because she is really sad because dogs are amazing,” said Angry Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios. “I am going to give Eli so many kisses today.”
“I can’t believe she kept a dog alive for 14 years,” said Stef, who self-identifies as “The Worst.” I have always felt a strong bond with Stef for pointing out to Riese that she was holding me upside down at the Halloween party and also because she is the Vapid Fluff editor, and that is what my insides are made out of: vapid fluff. Twice they have stuffed me at Build-a-Bear for free, and one time Riese’s Mom stuffed me but I had body image problems.
“Actually, chihuahuas can live to be 20+,” said Angry Lesbian Feminist Carmen Rios.
“She hoards animals and is way neglectful,” said Stef.
The conversation then devolved into a discussion of Paris Hilton’s pet-hoarding and alleged animal abuse. Stef said Paris Hilton has 35+ animals including a pig. I found this very upsetting so during this conversation I closed both of my eyes (even though one is bigger than the other) and sang “Stars Are Blind” to myself really softly, until Stef noted, “Anyway if you google Paris Hilton animal neglect a lot of things come up. She should probably have just gotten a dog purse.”
Paris Hilton if you are reading this you can call me anytime if you need a small animal to cry on. Riese doesn’t have her voice mail set up, though, so you should try texting first.
Tinkerbell’s Team Pick: IMMA HOMO
Hello Autostraddle, this is Tinkerbell. I found this video highly entertaining. Because of “language” (which I barely understand because I am a dog) I feel that this video may possibly be controversial, but HELLO AUTOSTRADDLE THIS IS UNLIKE ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN BEFORE JUST TRY NOT TO LIKE IT.
It makes me want to dance and sing, and when I saw God-ess and She singing about o*** s** on The L Word, it made me feel weird and unhappy. What I’m saying is that entertaining me is difficult.
This video comes from Rainbow Noise Entertainment, “a lesbian owned record label specializing in LGBTQ music artist with an independent name and mainstream appeal; But it doesn’t stop there… We are also committed to representing LGBTQ dancers, models, comedians, and entertainers with something to be proud of.”
If you are interested in learning about the days of the week, that’s a different video.
Thank you.
Tinkerbell’s Team Pick: Nacho Loves Mazzy Star
Hello Autostraddle. In response to the bipedalism I feel oppression from on this website which does not represent my identities I would like to share a video starring a dog. I am also a dog, but I am learning to type, like the gorillas. I enjoy this video starring Nacho who is the great-granddaughter of Brandy Howard and also Julie Goldman. If you do not watch the video then I don’t know what to say for you but I have a mini-reese’s-cup in my purse pouch because I used to be a purse. I also enjoy Mazzy Star and wish Riese’s friend Lorn Merril hadn’t stolen Riese’s Mazzy Star CD from Riese in 1995 and never gave it back all the while claiming to have never stolen it in the first place. Fade into THIS.
Also this is a beer commercial starring Brandy Howard.
Tinkerbell’s Team Pick: Candy Slice Girls Think Brittany and Santana Should Make Out, Too
Hello Autostraddle this is Tinkerbell. Remember our exceptionally funny and good-looking friends, the Candy Slice Girls? They are very good at making really funny videos.
This video is about Brittany and Santana, who we think should be making out.
Tinkerbell’s Team Pick: Mean Girls in the White House
Hello Autostraddle, this is Tinkerbell. Have you seen the online tumblr blog Mean Girls in the White House? It has existed for a while now but I was not aware of it until this very day. The first thing I did when I saw it was think “you would like this because you are always quoting Mean Girls and you should know that Obama is also always quoting Mean Girls which is probably of more importance than DADT.”
Tinkerbell’s Team Pick: Real L Word – Watch Them Watching Us Being Them
Hello Autostraddle. This is Tinkerbell. As you may or may not know, everybody at Autostraddle is very complex and multi-dimensional. Some Autostraddlers are capable of often giving the conceptualized product known to television audiences as The Real L Word tough love while also, alone or separately or together, consistently giving the ladies of The Real L Word actual love. Or “hearts” as some say. I am being serious Autostraddle. I wouldn’t lie to you, I am a dog who can barely speak a word let alone an untrue word.
Today the tweeter machine informed me of this fantastic video in which “Nat” has dark hair and baked goods are exchanged and, starting at about the three-minute mark, The Real L Word Parody Video Part One is watched and commented upon by Jill, Nikki, Rose and Nat. It’s very “meta.” Also at the end Rose reminds the ladies of Autostraddle that she’s not our biggest fan but however loves Jess. Jess is so nice and loveable. If she was here I would ask her if she thinks it’s weird that one of my eyes is bigger than the other.
Special note from Riese: Many have asked me “when will part two of The Real L Word parody be ready.” Well, what happened was that Final Cut crashed again, henceforth eliminating not only Real L Word Part Two but Julie & Brandy in Your Box Office‘s Season Premiere AND my mind/sanity/will to live/edit videos. So I have to start ALL OVER AGAIN and therefore I feel like you might get it for Valentine’s Day.
Clarification Regarding ‘The Rise of the Biebians’ as a Sign of the Apocalypse
Hello this is Tinkerbell. This weekend I posted an article on Autostraddle.com regarding the impending apocalypse, as foretold by a newspaper article entitled “The Rise of the Biebians.”
For the beginning I would say that “the apocalypse” is hyperbole, just like the title “The Rise of the Biebians,” which gave me flashbacks to a) the bible, 2) With God on Our Side: George W. Bush and the Rise of the Religious Right in America, Rise of the Gargoyles, Hitler: The Rise of Evil, Mongol: The Rise of Genghis Khan and Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines.
Because I am a dog with limited wordspan and also because Strunk & White says “eliminate needless words,” my post was short. It was a direct response to the way an article had characterized a generation of teenaged lesbians. But I forgot that this is the internet, where people read headlines and then angrytypetype at their computers before considering that maybe I love you.
Hello teenaged lesbians of the world. If you are here, I already love you and believe in you. As just a stuffed dog I find myself in awe of your style and movement, as well as your words and tumblrs.
That is why I am sad to read statements published in mainstream media which reflect apathy at the exclusion of all other feelings, such as:
“…maybe this phenomenon could be indicative of a more apoliticized generation of lesbians who aren’t looking for a dose of politics with their music. ‘After being so hyper-obsessed with political figures like Ani Difranco, maybe the queer community just wants to enjoy themselves with someone like Justin Bieber who doesn’t stand for anything,’ Lichtman says.”
I do not think that is how you think, lesbians of the world. I think you have nice hair AND care about things. It is our duty as human beings and stuffed animals in the media to challenge apathy, even if we ourselves are not always Ani DiFranco. For many eons people have taken gay words out of context and made them into sensational trend pieces!
Furthermore, lesbians who did not like my stance against apathy, do know that Autostraddle has a significant history of ‘lighthearted’ Justin Bieber support. Intern Hot Laura, the best-looking member of the Autostraddle family, team picked “Lesbians Who Look Like Justin Bieber” on March 5th, 2010, four days post-launch, which makes her the first human on the internet to spot Justin Bieber [that I know of]. Intern Hot Laura said:
I spent a long time trying to figure out why it’s taken me so long to find this tumblr, but then I looked through the archives and realized that it’s only existed for 4 days. Help them out guys, submit pictures so I have cute things to look at!
In Autostraddle’s 2009 Music Year in Review, we gave Justin Bieber the “Little Boy You Wouldn’t Mind Having as Your Girlfriend” award:
JBiebs, could you get any dreamier if you tried? You’ve got shinny shiny hair, you can sing, you’re young enough to have that whole androgyny thing working for you, you dress nicely, you dance, and Ellen loves you. So maybe you secretly sing along to his songs in your car. Maybe you shamelessly make all your friends dance to him before you go out. Or maybe you’ve heard his name and cringed at the thought of a 15-year-old singing about love. But really, give him 5 minutes; I dare you not to like him. Boy’s got pipes! (And please note how gigantically cute the guitar looks on him.)
Autostraddle has encouraged you to watch Bieber’s Rolling Stone behind-the-scenes video and his video with Sean Kingston and to watch him on QVC and watch a video of him flirting with Chelsea Handler (“which I’ve watched on repeat this morning because they’re shining, adorable beacons of light.”). We did an “I’ll have what she’s wearing” about Leah, a magazine journalism student who “just wants to get her Justin [Bieber] on” and says, “I wouldn’t say I aspire to look like him, but I’d say that Justin Bieber aspires to look like me. ‘Cause I was born first.”
I have looked at our team page and counted 15 team members with Justin Bieber haircuts.
Lesbians of the world I would like to look you in the eye and punch you in the mouth. What is so confusing. We can be critical of the way we are represented in the media or how a fun trend and cool website is parlayed to the mainstream as an apolitical movement, especially when it is linked to an apolitical pop star. I will change my tune 800% when Justin Bieber stands up for the equal rights of the lesbian fans who support him, just as the ladies iconicized by gay men participate in political and social actions to further the equal rights of their fans. (For example: Kathy Griffin, Bette Midler, Cher, Madonna, Bea Arthur, Liza Minelli, Janet Jackson, Lady Gaga and Cyndi Lauper.)
Autostraddle’s Intern Hot Laura loves Justin Bieber, and also hates DADT. I assume you are the same. (If you are not, please do not tell me because ignorance is bliss). Life requires french fries but also apples. That is how life is for people with teeth.
Today Riese read out loud to me an article from bitch! magazine, which is a magazine by angry radical lesbizi commies (like Riese) about how pop culture is good/bad for feminists. The article explains the Bieber phenomenon in words we both like and ideas we agree with. “This is good,” said Riese, “It is not on the heteros to accept us like in the other article where we made them our idols. It is on us to accept the hets and recontextualize their idols for our own purposes and that is what’s really happening with Justin Bieber. Also, you should subscribe to bitch magazine.”
So please read Top of the Pops: Justin Bieber’s a lesbian hair icon–or is it the other way around?
For many lesbians these days, that binary is as outdated and useless as a pair of TV antennae, comfortable as so many of us are with the protean mature of sexuality and gender… those spaces between girl/not girl, boy/not boy, growing up/not growing up are where we queers belong, and here’s why: they’re not cramped crevices into which we are shoved, but rather spaces we have carved out for ourselves. Justin Bieber is just the normalized version of that existence. And, like Bieber’s now-famous hair, this generation’s crop of queers really knows where it wants to go.
As my final point I would like to say that what gave me the saddest feelings about The National Post article was to read that Justin Bieber was noted as a solution to the problem that “there are few young lesbian icons, especially masculine ones, for queer girls to look up to.”
I felt sad-faced and defensive because of all the young masculine lesbians who you could look up to, but cannot, because the media is saturated with images of Miley Cyrus instead. I am not an elitist bastard, although I am a bastard except that I am a girl, and also a dog. You think as a dog I like to read poetry or study books? No I like to watch reality shows about hairdressers and read large-type versions of The It Girls. I am not here to judge you. I am here with you. Riese had a Leonardo DiCaprio shrine in her teenaged bedroom.
Justin Bieber does not solve the problem of not having a young masculine lesbian to look up to. He is a good guy I am sure, but he’s not a lesbian. I want to rally behind the icons we do have, instead of claiming there are none. Here’s a starter list: Tegan & Sara, Hunter Valentine, Jess & Mary B, Deak Evgenikos, Dani Campbell, Daniela Sea, Samantha Ronson, Sarah Croce/Miss April, Hannah Blilie, Michele Cluney, Jiz Lee, Chris Pureka, Michele Fleury, Kim Stolz, Nicole Pina, Mélange Lavonne, Angie Evans, DJ Saratonin, Kate Moennig, that cute girl Amy from Anyone But Me, DJ Carlytron, Misty Odell, Ellis, Ty Greenstein, Blair Hansen, Heather Cassils, Stef Mitchell or Laura/Miss August.
Good Icons
+
Lesbians are invisible in mainstream pop culture which is hard when you are a teenager who wants to fit in and read the articles in Tiger Beat. I am not confused about that. But I do think you all should rise against the machine, love Justin Bieber if that’s what you want to do, but know that it’s not getting us any closer (or any farther away, really) from having actual lesbian icons out there to look up to.
I have an idea/solution: In addition to Justin Bieber (if you so desire), you should look up to actual lesbians doing actual things. Like Dannielle Owens-Reid, the 24-year-old girl who spotted the trend and leaped on it, and then parlayed that tumblr’s success into a site of her own, everyoneisgay.com, where she and her friend Kristin give advice to young lesbians in need of advice which let’s be honest, is maybe all young lesbians (you are all crazy!):
In conclusion: it’s the lesbians who look like Justin Bieber and aren’t afraid to have their pictures online and say so that are the real queer heroes here. It’s the 14-year-old girl who was willing to be quoted in a national newspaper, even though I think she should give Ani DiFranco a chance because of her perfect “fuck you/breakup” lyrics.
And if you disagree with me about that, well then just shoot me in the face.
Tinkerbell’s Team Pick: Girls in Wonderland
Hello Autostraddle. It is me, Tinkerbell. I am a dog who participates in Autostraddle Roundtables, writes articles and also I used to be a purse. I am famous, pretty, I have 45 friends on myspace and a boifriend named Littlefoot who is a dinosaur.
As you may or may not know, I was born in Miami Florida in 2008. Since then I have lived many years, and this year is no exception. Although Florida ruined the 2004 election, many other good things happen there, like my birth and Pandora Events Presents the Hottest Women’s Weekend of the Year GIRLS IN WONDERLAND.
If you like lesbian girls, Mickey Mouse, beer, party time, ho-downs, hos, and arbitrarily capitalized phrases like Live Women’s Music and More Pool Parties, you should be at Girls in Wonderland in Orlando, Florida from June 3rd-June 6th. Basically it is when Lesbians take over Disneyworld, which includes all the countries of Epcot Center, the haunted mansion, and girls in bikinis. If you don’t already live there, you can get there by car/train/scooter, here buy tickets.
Of all those reasons to ride Space Mountain and/or your girlfriend this weekend in Orlando Florida, none is as important as this reason: Dani Campbell and Rachel Robinson wuth their rock-hard abs, charming smiles, and how they are ready to stop being polite and start acting real in the heart of Downtown Disney.
Here, it’s the schedule. Also, Julie Goldman & Brandy Howard aren’t going to be there, even though it says that they are. You can only see them here.
If I were a lesbian lady, I would at least try to be there on Saturday for the “Wild Wild South” Party with 2,500 women including “your outlaws Baby Blue, Michelle, Spikey, Keri and Vita” with Live Performances by “Shutup and Dance, Baby Blue, and Spikey Dikey” hosted by Suzanne Westenhoefer, Dani Campbell, and Rachel Robinson.
Also I would recommend the Hall of Presidents, it is very education. Also the imagination ride with my starcrush Figment.