Welcome to the season finale (sob!) of American Horror Story, the show that said fuck you to the traditional cold open and kicked things off with a full tilt Stevie Nicks music video fever dream. It was glorious and it was real and we were all innocent children looking into the face of the immortal goddess.
This week’s vocab word is: BALENCIAGA! This will become clear later in the recap.
As previously mentioned, we open with Stevie Fucking Nicks singing a song called “Seven Wonders,” which blows my fucking mind.
The hills are alive, with the sound of nonsense!
Was this entire season scripted around Fleetwood Mac lyrics? Is this a thing we can do now? If so, stay tuned for the premiere of my unauthorized AHS spinoff The Sign, where I take all the plot points and dialogue from Swedish supergroup Ace of Base!
Don’t turn around Nan, all Marie Laveau wants is another baby! As for Fiona, she’s gone tomorrow. But I’m sure Misty would agree that it’s a beautiful life, oh oh oh oh. As for Madison, she leads a lonely life. As for Zoe and FrankenKyle, shock! They got a new life! You’d hardly recognize them I’m so glad. And Queenie? She’s gonna be strong, she’s gonna be fine, don’t worry about that heart of hers.
So anyways, back at Miss Robichaux’s Music Video Backdrop for Famed Songstresses, all the witches are studying for the Seven Wonders while Stevie Fucking Nicks sings and dances in a top hat. Misty works on her spins, Zoe levitates her bed, Madison takes a bubble bath and lights the fireplace with her mind.
Madison jills off to ease her pre-Wonders jitters
Queenie lights a candle for Nan and works on her spells. Stevie Fucking Nicks finishes her song and wishes the four girls good luck on the Seven Wonders.
There are only three of you still in the running to die horribly in this house
I am FLABBERGASTED at the lack of hats in this scene
Also, there’s a cat running around the house. Where did she come from?
Great, another animal for FrankenKyle to go full Lenny on
That night, Myrtle sets out a feast of caviar and blinis and talks about how Leonardo DaVinci was possibly a warlock. They discuss how it’s a last supper, as everyone will be participating in the Seven Wonders and they may not survive.
I guess there are three mermaids swimming around topless right now
Usually the current Supreme identifies the rising Supreme, but since Fiona peaced the fuck out and tried to murder them all, they are allowing all four girls to prove themselves.
And now I’d like to poor one out for our fallen home girl, Nan
Cordelia then quotes Corinthians 13:11, the whole “when I was a child I spoke like a child” thing. Basically, the little twitches are all grown up and must put aside childish fears to kick some ass in the morning.
I once spent a passionate solstice with a man named Corinthians. He draped me in moose furs and vintage Yves St. Laurent and we made love in a hammock.
Morning soon comes, and the Seven Wonders begin. BTW, I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that not ONE of these witches has made a Diana Ross Supremes joke. Not once. And they say “Supreme” every five seconds. OPPORTUNITY MISSED.
So the witches start with telekenesis. They each have a lit candle before them, and they must slide the candle across the table and into their hands using only their minds.
Israeli Horror Story: Spooky Shabbat!
FrankenKyle is there to look concerned and buttle, I guess. Misty doubts her abilities, but Cordelia tells her to focus her intentions. Zoom! The candles in her hand! Cordelia reminds them that it’s not about desire: you either are the Supreme or you aren’t, and no amount of wanting will change that.
I never wanted to stab my eyes out BUT WE CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT WE WANT, MISTY!
The rest of the witches are able to move their candlesticks so it’s on to the next wonder!
‘Twas I, Myrtle Snow, who coined the now classic turn of phrase “puff, puff, pass!”
The witches demonstrate Concilium aka mind control. They face off in pairs; first up is Misty vs. Queenie. Queenie says that no one controls her mind but her… until Misty makes her slap herself in the face.
Don’t even say it…
Stop hitting yourself, Queenie! Stop hitting yourself!
Misty is having fun until Queenie forces her to pull her own hair. They both pass the test.
Stop it! This weave was expensive!
Next up is Madison vs. Zoe. Madison forces FrankenKyle to drop a tray of drinks, make out with her, and lick her boot. Kinky. She also makes Zoe slap herself. Kitty got claws!
Just forced to poop himself
You resurrected me for this? Next time, just use Fetlife!
Zoe breaks Madison’s hold and beckons FrankenKyle over to her and they make out. Madison then forces FrankenKyle to strangle Zoe, and Zoe tosses him across the room yet. Madison wants to know if they’re having fun yet.
Ladies, please practice some mind control over your vaginas!
Only when Myrtle stops fellating that cigarette holder!
Wha?
Their next test is Descensum, aka field trip to Hell! It’s easy to go to Hell, but apparently it’s very hard to leave. So Hell is a Marshall’s Home Goods? They have until sunrise to return to their bodies, or they die.
Recreating scenes from Go Fish: the work of the Devil!
Myrtle turns a comically large hourglass and everyone begins to chant.
Since this might be our last chance, how about a little over the sweater action?
The witches get transported to their personal hells. For Queenie, this means the Ravenswood fried chicken joint. She’s like, been there, done that, and zaps herself back into her body. Queenie wins!
If I have to do anymore scenes involving fried chicken I’m calling the NAACP or Oprah
Madison wakes up from playing Liesel in NBC’s Sound of Music Live! Zing, you just got Murphied, NBC!
Woke up mid-orgasm
Sorry, Nazi musicals really give me a boner
Zoe wakes soon after, having been stuck in a loop of FrankenKyle breaking up with her. YAWN.
blow job face
I dreamt I was dating a man made of rapist parts…ohhh
Misty still hasn’t woken up. We see her nightmare is a middle school science class where she is repeatedly forced to dissect a frog and revive it. Misty is trapped and scared.
Misty, stop twirling and gut this frog!
Does this mean I have to go through puberty again! FUCK!
Cordelia tries desperately to help Misty and cradles her in her arms, but it’s of no use.
But you promised you’d see me through this experimental phase!
The hourglass runs out and Misty turns to dust like a vampire on BtVS. Cordelia is heartbroken, and I am genuinely bummed too. I was pulling for Misty for Supreme! And I was really pulling for her and Cordelia to hook up, so boo.
I’ll never get you out of my heart…or this carpet!
That’s one witch down, three to go.
After the witches take a brief break and someone Dysons up Misty, Cordelia suggests they take a moment of silence. Madison doesn’t give a shit, and Queenie calls her a stone cold bitch.
Bored now.
Shut up, Liesel!
Zoe agrees with Madison; there’s nothing they can do about Misty, so they must soldier on. The next task is Transmutation, aka apparating. Zoe BAMFS behind Madison and leads the girls in a game of BAMF tag, where they zip all over the room tagging each other.
I’m here…
I’m queer…
And now I’m over here!
Cordelia and Myrtle tell them to knock it off and return to the test, but like Cyndi Lauper says, girls just wanna have fun! UGH, how good would Lauper be on this show?
It’s all fun and games until Zoe accidently impales herself on the fence. WHOMP WHOMP.
Guys, can I get a mulligan on this one?
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The Lady Gaga lyrics. Best thing ever.
“I kept worrying that Fiona was going to stab Cordelia in the back and run out looking gorgeous”.
I’m so glad you mentioned that. I thought I was the only one screaming “DON’T HUG HER, WOMAN! SHE’S GOING TO STAB YOU! at the screen.
BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BABY IN THE ATTIC!?!
I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT THE FUCKING BABY, IS IT GHOST SPALDING’S NOW?!
0___0 That question is going to haunt me forever now.
this has been bugging me SO MUCHHHHHHH
I was a little disappointed by the finale (and the whole season in general) but I guess that Myrtle Snow makes up for everything. BALENCIAGAAA!!!
RIP misty day, you were so attractive, i am sorry about the frogs :(
But what happened to Fiona’s body in between the hug and the opening of doors to students? Did it turn to ash? Did ghost Spalding wrap it in a rug and carry it to his room? There are too many unanswered questions!
But… the Axeman murdered so many people why is he in heaven? Unless his hell is trying to be with Fiona while she endlessly degrades him? Because hell is other people? So Murphs was trying to make a great literary reference?? So props to him for that despite the overall not really success at crafting a season of female characters who weren’t exactly real personalities????
What I mean to say is I am sad because Coven was good and then was decent but could have been GREAT AND WAS NOT EXACTLY GREAT.
But I thought that Fiona sold her sole to the Axeman.
I mean, she made a deal with the Axeman; he would help her and in return she would spend the rest of her days fishing. Fast forward, Papa Luga-bubu came and she didn’t have a soul to take. And in the end she wasn’t in her hell, or his heaven she was just fulfilling her end of a bargain.
Anyway that’s how I understood it.
These AHS Coven recaps may have been my favourite ever!
Also, don’t worry about Liza’s hip, because…
(via)
First time i read “Great, another animal for FrankenKyle to go full Lenny on” i thought it was a typo and you were referencing Jenny and poor Sounder 1, then i was like no, mice of men. it concerns me somewhat that my first thought ran to the l word and not classic lit.
oh wellies. hilarious as always.
The recaps were just as enjoyable as watching this season for me.
BUT! Did we ever find out who put threw acid at Cordelia’s face? Did that go unanswered or was I miss that?
I think it was someone from the group of witch hunters. I vaguely remember Hank saying something to his father along the lines of “you blinded my wife?!”
Um, can we talk about how Misty’s hell would have obviously been a Fleetwood Mac reunion but with Christine McVie singing all the Stevie Nicks songs.
Opportunity missed
So I thought Coven was weirdly, fantastically campy, but how is Cordelia the Supreme? What about that perfect health thing? Didn’t she have problems becoming pregnant, or was that Hank’s doing? And didn’t Queenie bring back Misty, so she can obviously bring people back from the dead. And does dying just automatically exclude you from the running, because Zoe never actually finished the seven wonders.. AND THAT BABY in the attic! Good googly moogly, so many questions. Anyway these recaps were fantastic.
Best recaps I have ever read in my life. Standing ovation for Chelsea
Why on earth is a “feminist” web site promoting and endorsing horror violence as entertainment ? How is viewing disgusting graphic physical, mental + emotional violence remotely healthy or empowering for young impressionable vulnerable girls….
gay or straight ? I used to work in Hollywood and I can say with first hand assurance,
( not just a theory ) that the agenda is normalize evil creepy unethical + basically terrible behavior. Simply, u are being degraded on purpose by the media powers that be….
As both a mother and a gay woman I must say and warn that our community
is in a very sad state if we find this morally acceptable in a forum that is
supposed to be about self esteem, safety, gentleness, healing and pride.