Myrtle waves Madison away from snorting her latest flower arrangement. She also tells her that Queenie and Cordelia are rescuing Misty and Madison is like, FUCK.
They are then surprised (are they really tho?) by the triumphant return of FrankenKyle and Zoe. Myrtle was desperately hoping that they’d be gallivanting off forever, instead of forsaking their destiny a la Halston when he sold out to JCPenny.
They made it all the way to Florida and were laughing and dancing and cornholing away until FrankenKyle accidently killed a hobo and Zoe brought him back to life. This pales in comparison to my Floridian experiences, wherein I drink a Piña Colada the size of my leg and pass out on a sand dune.
Basically, Zoe is all embracing her inner witch and wants to compete for America’s Next Top Supreme.
And then comes THE GREATEST PART OF THE EPISODE/ANY SHOW EVER: Misty, Cordelia and Queenie storm in and Misty proceeds to beat the everloving shit out of Madison.
I love how this fight scene was shot. It was brutal, it was rough, and it was all close fighting with no magic. Misty is straight up Beatrix Kiddo-ing the crap out of Madison. Also, Madison is wearing sequin short shorts, and Misty kicks her in the ass.
Misty literally tosses Madison’s skinny ass across the room and Madison goes sliding like she’s a fucking Swiffer or something. If anyone would like to make a series of GIFs of this fight, I would love you forever. Misty even tells her she doesn’t want to waste her magic, saying “I’ll do you with my hand!” Um, PHRASING!
Queenie is like, this is the best thing ever, while Zoe and FrankenKyle try to break up the fight because they hate fun. Misty also calls Madison Hollywood, which is nice. The fight stops when Axeman appears ready to kill them all.
Madison also has time for a quip about Axeman being in the wrong fucking house, which impressive when you consider she is definitely bleeding internally.
All the witches use their power to toss Axeman into the staircase. Cordelia notices he’s covered in blood, but whose blood? She touches it and sees Fiona in pain.
Fiona shows up at Axeman’s apartment looking for some axe play. She finds a depressed Axeman who tells her that Cordelia visited. Fiona then asks if she’s in the bathtub, which is cold fucking blooded.
He finds the plane ticket in Fiona’s purse and is like, we had a deal you sexy temptress! Fiona tells him that the sex was fun, but he was merely a place holder for her. He begs her to at least pretend to love him, but she’s like no can do, I don’t have a soul.
Hold the fuck up: was I alone in thinking that Fiona genuinely loved Axeman? She kept going on about finally finding love, and blahblahblah. I mean, I know she’s evil, but I did kind of like them as a couple. Fiona tells him that once she kills all the witches, she’ll have a good 30 year run before the next generation comes up.
Axeman grabs Fiona by the hair and tosses her onto the bed. He tries to kiss her but she kicks him off. She was just using him to feel something.
Axeman calles her a crime against humanity, which if it’s anything like Cards Against Humanity, I need to buy immediately.
Fiona gets up and pours herself a drink. She tells Axeman she’s always two steps ahead of everyone, which means she is def about to die. She launches into a story about kittens when Axeman chops her in the back and proceeds to axe murder her. RIP Fiona. You sassy and evil and I loved every minute of you.
The witches all hear the story and recoil. Axeman fed her body to the gators, and even Misty can’t reincarnate gator poop.
While everyone stand around in shock, Queenie cracks her knuckles and is like, are we killing this douche or what?
Madison grabs his axe and Myrtle tells them to stop. Hasn’t the house seen enough bloodshed?
Madison reminds her Axeman is a psycho serial killer, but Myrtle is like LOOK IN THE MIRROR YOU MURDERING SKANK.
Myrtle sees him as a tragic figure, but everyone else is like, nope, this guy’s gotta die. FrankenKyle is ready to maul him but Misty reminds him that they don’t need a man to protect them. Girl Power via murder!
The witches descend on Axeman and stab him a million times in revenge. I’m all about taking down the patriarchy, but Fiona murdered Madison, used Queenie, burned Myrtle, and threw everyone else into a wall. Plus, she was planning on killing the entire coven. Axeman did those dummies a favor.
RIP Axeman. I hope this means we are done with all that fucking jazz.
Meanwhile, Delphine wakes up and finds herself locked up in her old murder attic. She is surrounded by mutilated slaves and sees her daughter Borquita (HEY GIRL) locked in a cage beside her. Wouldn’t it be amazing if the next season of AHS was just told entirely from Borquita’s POV?
Delphine feels bad for imprisoning her daughter and apologizes to her…so if you’re keeping track at home, Delphine is sorry for ONLY THIS ONE THING.
Marie Laveau appears and gets to torturing Delphine and Borquita. But suddenly Marie stops before shoving a hot poker up Borquita’s ass. She’s like, why the fuck am I here?
Marie doesn’t want to torture her, but Papa Legba appears and tells her she has no choice. Why? Because they are not in the murder attic…THEY ARE IN HELL! Delphine is sentenced to watch the torture and Marie is sentenced to carry it out forever. No one will be leaving Papa’s house… ever.
Marie is like, what the fuck, we had a contract Papa! Besides, she did a lot of good in her immortal life. Like helping people with their hair and killing racists and stuff.
Papa Legba reminds her she also gave him like, a million infants, and she’s like, oh yeah, I’m fucked. Hope y’all enjoy eternity together! Marie gets back to anally raping Borquita with a hot poker. It’s just like the story of Prometheus and the vultures, but grosser.
Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s School for Rapidly Disappearing Rugs, FrankenKyle hangs the finished portrait of Fiona. The twitches talk about how she was a badass Supreme and a lot to live up to…huh?
Cordelia is like, nope she was a raging bitch and a shitty Supreme. But now that Fiona is dead, all the twitches have to compete in the seven wonders, where they will become the next Supreme or die trying.
ON THE SEASON FINALE: Who will be America’s Next top Supreme?!? And who will be resurrected for a final hurrah?! And what the fuck am I supposed to watch once this shit show is over?!
