Sign says, stay away fools!
Meanwhile, down at the Fleetwood Shack (zing!), Misty Day gardens and waters her plants like the boho earth mother she is. She also waters Myrtle’s burnt body, which is nice of her.
That’s not water, that’s moonshine
Growing a nice crop of angry redhead
FrankenKyle stumbles over to Misty. Hi FrankenKyle! I forgot you were on this show. Misty takes a look at his bloody appearance and decides to give him a bath.
I pooped myself
He was no more than a FrankenBaby then
Misty washes FrankenKyle in a giant metal basin. Unfortunately, this triggers traumatic flashbacks of his mother washing/molesting him, so FrankenKyle starts freaking out. He goes on a bare-assed rampage and starts breaking things. Worst of all, he breaks the tape deck!
Scrub a dub sub, FrankenKyle in a tub
Just then, Zoe shows up. Misty is officially over it, as FrankenKyle killed Stevie. Someone get this girl an iTunes account! Zoe brings them both back to school with her.
Holy Frankenpenis, Batman!
Meanwhile, Hank shows up at Marie Laveau’s beauty shop. They are in cahoots! They cahooted! I don’t care.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Magically Irresponsible Youngsters, Zoe chains up Frankenkyle to the wall. Misty says they belong together, but Zoe seems totally over him. Frankly, she has bigger fish to fry.
I just need to be in a serious relationship with myself, ya know?
Zoe asks Misty to revive Madison, but Misty tells her Madison is too dead to function. Plus, she’s missing an arm. Zoe is all, “I got the arm, we’ll just slap this shit back on, no problem!”
Smells like teen spirit
Look kid, I can’t resurrect her lost weed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Misty tries to revive Madison, which in this case involves nuzzling her. I wish Misty Day would nuzzle me back to life. Misty says that there is too much death inside her body, and makes Zoe push on her stomach to get it out/make her pee herself.
I’m going to need a floppy hat, a candle, and the Rumors album
Madison coughs up some garbage/a roach, and she’s revived! Welcome back, Emma Roberts! Madison’s alive and she needs a cigarette.
Where’s my stash?
Meanwhile, back at the beauty shop, Hank accuses Marie of blinding Cordelia. Marie tells him if she wanted that bitch blind, she could do it in her sleep. Turns out, Hank is a professional witch hunter who Marie hired six years ago to systematically take out the Salem witches.
Always take off your shoes when entering the skull room!
Why does Marie need to hire a witch hunter? Can’t she just kill those witches herself? I mean, witches are dropping like flies on this show. It can’t be that hard.
We get a flashback of dead redhead Kaylee being interviewed at the school by Cordelia. Turns out, Kaylee is a witch!
So it says here you want to major in arson?
With a minor in banging your husband, yes
We know this because, in a flash-flashback, we see her set her boyfriend on fire when he dumps her. Good to see that this show is meeting its weekly quota of burning people alive.
YA BURNT, SON
Cordelia tries to recruit her to enroll in Miss Robichaux’s, but Kaylee is not interested. She wants a normal life. When Cordelia asks her how she plans to control her firepower (see what I did there?) Kaylee assures her she has a plan. She literally says, “I work out and I play fantasy football.”
I’m sorry, what?
FANTASY FOOTBALL KEEPS PYROKENISIS IN CHECK, YOU GUYS. I am learning so much from this show.
I’m not worried. I got first draft pick, soooo
Meanwhile, Hank listens in the hallway and plots his murder/updates his team picks.
Time to trade Tebow
Turns out, Hank married Cordelia to have access to her witch locating skills, and he’s been killing them ever since. Marie is not impressed. She says this (just fyi, it takes all my will power not to just transcribe all of Angela Bassett’s dialogue every week. It’s just that good.)
Marie: “When I plant a fat ass cracker bitch I expect her to stay planted! Not come back up like a damn ragweed!”
“Over your bullshit” face
Marie is still pissed about the minotaur murder, and demands that Hank kill all the witches, bring her their heads, and burn that place to the ground.
I also need you to return some tops to Marshall’s, but you can do that later
Meanwhile, back at Miss Robichaux’s School Where No One Teaches Ever, Misty is raiding the fridge. Resurrecting a celebrity can really give you the munchies.
For an all-girls school, there is an alarming lack of vegan options in here
Zoe invites her to stay with them, but Misty is not interested. She wanted to find her tribe, but it is not in the school.
Cordelia’s lost her sight and now her olives. Hasn’t she been through enough?
Misty gets major bad vibes from the house, plus she’s got a witch growing in her backyard, so she’s out. She also says there’s something foul in the house…just the one thing? Try finding something normal in this house, Misty.
I’d love to stay, but you’re all the worst, soooo
Meanwhile, Cordelia is feeling around in her room, because no one has checked on her in like, six hours. She finds some pills in the bedside drawer, which are probably Fiona’s. I just assume Fiona has stashed pills in every drawer/cubby/mason jar in the house.
Using her second sight to find some Xanax
Cordelia takes off her shirt, pops some pills, and goes fumbling for some Fleetwood Mac. But she’s not alone. The Axeman is there!
I’m not looking…but, nice
Madison is coming around, what from being dead and all. The twitches question her and make sure she isn’t a dented can like FrankenKyle. Madison remembers her name, her job, and her Teen Choice awards, so she’s gonna be fine.
I can’t remember how many people I slept with!
Did you know the number before you died?
Nope
Zoe gives her some ginger ale, because curing a dead person is just like curing indigestion. They ask Madison if she knows who killed her, but she remembers nothing.
Meanwhile, Cordelia is being terrorized by the spirit of the Axeman. He wants to be released (ew) like Zoe promised him. He turns up the jazz and forces Cordelia to listen to it.
But there’s not even a chorus!
The twitches hear the sinister sounds of a smooth sax, and realize that the Axeman has Cordelia.They quickly decide to release him (wait, why?) to save Cordelia.
Manon, we need you to resurrect and release this serial killer bc Zoe made a promise
Zoe uses her rising supreme powers to find the right spell from a shelf full of spells (she truly is the chosen one!) and they recite the spell together.
You know, now that we said it out loud, it sounds like a terrible idea
Meanwhile, the Axeman chases Cordelia around the bedroom, and she trips over all the furniture bc blindness. Also, if he’s a spirit, can he even hurt her? And wouldn’t bringing him back to life make it easier for him to kill them all?
The twitches complete the spell and save Cordelia (yay!) but release the Axeman (oops). Two steps forward, one giant murdery step back.
Meanwhile, Fiona is drowning her sorrows at a bar and feeling like a bad mother. Considering her only child is stuck under a desk in her underwear and almost got axe murdered, she’s not wrong.
Chug! Chug! Chug!
A handsome stranger takes the seat beside her and starts flirting. Is it FrankenKyle? Is it Misty Day? Is it a headless minotaur?
Hey girl hey
It’s the Axeman! Yoinks. This will turn out well for everyone involved.
You treat Cordelia badly? So do I! We have so much in common!
Mama like!
NEXT TIME on American Horror Story: Cordelia searches for the staircase! Queenie meets up with Marie! Fiona gets too drunk to buy those gloves!
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I call the Gummer girls, Baby Meryl whenever they are on anything. I personally prefer Mamie to Grace but that’s just me. I feel like Ryan might be trying to get Meryl’s attention with that casting choice. Especially considering Jessica Lange is saying she will only do one more season. Could you imagine Meryl on tv every week? I would die.
I was confused as to what episode of The Newsroom I was on when Grace Gummer arrived.
1. Damn, even with those acid burns, Sarah Paulson is hot as all get out.
2. Why does no one want to be friends with Misty Day? She can bring you back from the dead! And her accent makes my ears all warm.
3. CORDELIA FOR SUPREME. Zoe for nothing.
These recaps spare me from watching this show, which earns 1,000 like buttons.
When Zoe is looking for the right spell there’s a book called Archiv für Gynaekologie which is German for archive for gynecology.
I though that was kind of hilarious. With Zoe’s deathly vagina and all.
“I’d love to say, but you’re all the worst, soooo”
^^slayed me
*stay
dammit.
haha I’ve never watched this show and have no idea whats going on. But filming is f*cking up the streetcar line so I felt like I should check out the recap at least