‘Am I Being Breadcrumbed Into a Situationship?’

Q:

Hi I’m bi sexual and it’s all very new to me only just started dating women and I love it but I’m dating this girl who’s a little bit younger than me she’s 22 and I’m 27 things are going really well, we have been talking pretty much daily for 2 months now and have been on 8 dates. The issue is that Iv talked to her and she says she really likes me and sees some sort of future but won’t admit we are dating and seems very hot and cold with me she says she’s not the best at talking about her emotions and communicating but she’s working on it and will try her best. Am I falling into a situationship as seems like I’m being breadcrumbed? I pay for the dates and plan them. I’m so used to dating men and I feel like I have no clue what’s going on she’s only the second woman iv dated.

A:

Okay, so queer dating is hard enough without also feeling like you’re stuck in a pay-to-play dynamic or sliding into a possible (and unwanted) situationship. It’s completely understandable and normal to be confused and overwhelmed by the different expectations involved. Let’s take it piece-by-piece together.

Pay-to-Play

It’s incredibly common for people stepping out onto the queer dating scene to be confused about the unspoken ‘rules’ of engagement. What is expected of me as a bisexual woman? What should I expect from prospective partners? What do they think of my bisexual self? 

Queer dating doesn’t have the same gendered expectations as heteronormative dating, but it’s still a game we have to play sometimes.

The contested topic of ‘who pays?’ in heterosexual dating takes for-granted the script of men footing the bill as its stepping-off point. Similarly, discussions about mental and emotional labour in straight couplings are usually premised on women shouldering those burdens. Even straight relationships that ‘flip the script’ rely on the existence of a script in the first place.

That script isn’t as present in your situation, so it’s understandable that you might turn to one of the ways you are different from your partner (an age gap) to try and figure out what you should or shouldn’t be doing. But honestly, that’s not the most important part. What’s important is how you feel about the role you’ve taken. There’s nothing wrong with one person taking on more of the mental and financial burden — if they want to. Ask yourself:

• Do I enjoy planning and paying for all of our dates?
• Am I doing it because I’m older or in a better financial position?
• Am I taking this on because if I don’t do it, there won’t be any dates?
• If our relationship status were clearer, would I be happy planning and paying for everything?

It’s important to understand what kind of relationship you want. If you want a partner who puts in as much effort and thought as you, then that’s what you should be seeking out. Her being younger (perhaps with less financial freedom) isn’t a reason to not show effort in other ways. That said, maybe you like spoiling your partner but need to feel secure in your relationship in order to do so, and right now you feel used because she won’t confirm a relationship with you.

Relationship Status

You’re not alone in struggling to confirm your relationship. With the boom of online dating, many young adults are finding themselves in situationships. These ambiguous relationships lack communication and don’t progress into an established romantic relationship or termination. And queer adults are even more likely to use online dating services to try and meet potential partners. Ambiguity in the early phases is normal, but the problem is getting stuck in that limbo indefinitely. That’s the dreaded situationship.

Here’s the rub. You mention that the woman you are seeing “won’t admit” you are dating (by ‘dating’ I assume you mean ‘in an established romantic relationship’). Relationships are formed by consensus. If you don’t both agree that you are in a relationship (monogamous, polyamorous, etc.), then you aren’t in one. Going on dates with someone doesn’t mean they’re your girlfriend by default. If she won’t ‘admit’ you’re dating, then unfortunately you aren’t. The good news is, it goes both ways. You can’t be breadcrumbed into a situationship if you refuse to be. You can say no to all of this.

There are any number of reasons that she might not want a relationship. Maybe she’s closeted. Maybe she wants to keep her options open and see multiple people. Maybe she enjoys the care and attention you show her but doesn’t feel the same way for you. Maybe she’s also confused about the dynamics of queer dating and is defaulting to noncommittal and passive because it’s a safe bet. Who knows? You certainly don’t, not without clearer communication from her.

All relationships need communication. And communication is difficult, for pretty much everyone. But in order to move from ambiguous courtship to an established relationship, you need to have a conversation with her. It doesn’t need to be complicated, or combative. Even just a simple “I really like you and want to be in a relationship with you” is enough. If she says yes or no, then you have your answer. The ‘what are we’ talk doesn’t have to be terrifying. It can be a check-in on where you stand with each other. If she won’t give you a straight answer to a direct question, then I suggest you save yourself the stress and move on.

I know how easy it is to fall into the tunnel-vision trap of focusing all your efforts on the person in front of you. It’s even worse when you’re queer because your dating pool is tighter by default. The feelings of scarcity and urgency and urgency are real. But even if your sexualities are compatible, your personalities might not be. And that’s okay.