Q:
My partner and I have had an amazing year blasting through major life events together: engagement and wedding planning, big career changes, family stuff, etc. Next week, we’ll be celebrating 11 years together. “All of a sudden”, she announces she doesn’t want to get married anymore, and that the relationship needs troubleshooting. She held up a mirror to our situation: She’s completely engrossed by a PhD that will naturally evolve into a lifelong ultramarathon of late nights, few weekends off, little free time. I on the other hand am not as career-driven (very satisfied with my 9 to 5) and tend to prioritize friends, extracurriculars, and of course, time with her.
Prompted by this discussion, I’m now seeing in a new light that she’s not interested in prioritizing personal relationships, and is not willing to sacrifice her work in any way. I’m now seeing all the times she wasn’t there with me. It’s not news, but only now I feel I need to ask myself if I’m really okay with that.
I feel like I’ve built a whole personality around accommodating her schedule: apologizing for her absences and filling in for what she doesn’t make time for (cooking, housework). Very often I find myself waiting at home for her like a housewife, crossing my fingers and toes for quality time. But I agreed to all of this! This dynamic evolved organically over time, and we discussed work-life balance and long-term goals before getting engaged. I figured if I’m able to do all these things, and I love her, and she loves me, then we’re solid. I didn’t mind the imbalance: I love using acts of service to cement my devotion to her.
We love each other’s families, we’re each others best friends, and I want to be with her forever. I had entered a place where I didn’t think breaking up would ever be an option, and now I feel like I’ve lost my self and my self-respect. I don’t know how to come back from this upset, and I have no idea what to do. While I feel so grateful that she held up the mirror, now I have to ask myself if I deserve more than someone unwilling to put me first, who doesn’t seem interested in life outside the ivory tower.
A:
I can feel the 11 years of love throughout your message. You two have a deep, loving, intimate history with plans to continue a very serious lifelong commitment you both seem excited about. Your last paragraph gives all the reasons why you two work far beyond attraction or sex. You’re phrasing of “I feel grateful that she held up the mirror” shows me that you both respect and love each other so much that you’re willing to go to the scarier places of a relationship: the what-ifs. Saying that you’ve lost your self care and self respect is a big thing to say, which makes me think there were possibly other times throughout the relationship you may have felt versions of this? You’re seeing 11 years of decisions in a completely new light, which is terrifying when you think you’ve settled into a lifelong relationship with someone. I wonder what it is about this conversation that makes you rethink everything: all of the times you rearranged your life for her?
Which brings me to my next observation: How much of this could be attributed to cold feet? Sometimes the major life step to marital commitment can bring out productive conversations, but sometimes the nerves can skew feelings and fear-based beliefs in wild directions. When reading through the first paragraph, I get the sense that this “all of a sudden” conversation around different priorities is either something she’s been stashing away and afraid to bring up, or she’s grappling with a million pre-wedding doubts running through her brain (which is natural for any major life commitment). Either way, the phrase that comes to mind is “if they wanted to they would.” Were you genuinely okay with the times she wasn’t there? Does she express her love for you in other ways? You both have different priorities in life, which is totally ok. I’m wondering if she’s ever offered to sacrifice small things, such as offering to do the dishes once a week or planning just one weekend a month to spend quality time with you. PhDs are tough on relationships, but not impossible. It may feel like a lot for her to give up one weekend (as an example) just like it may feel like a lot for you to do all the housework. The imbalance is okay…as long as she’s making an effort to love you in ways you’d like to be loved.
We tend to think of relationships in a give-and-take way, oftentimes equally balancing out over a period of time. I don’t think that it’s as simple as that and often we have to go many years, if not a decade, where one person gives a little more and one person takes a little more until a certain situation resolves itself. Right now, it seems like you are giving and she is taking, which makes sense if she’s in a PhD program and you have a bit more time on your hands. Will this always be the case? Will your fiancée always want this dynamic, or is there an understanding that once she settles into the role she wants post-PhD, the roles may even back out? It’s okay if she doesn’t place her priorities in friends or relationships like you do, but it’s not okay if she’s not willing to prioritize you in a way that’s equivalent to work.
I’m clearly not going to know the whole picture just based on a few paragraphs you wrote. However, if you’ve discussed long-term goals before getting engaged, I’m surprised this wasn’t brought up earlier. You’ve known each other for longer than 11 years! If you decided to get engaged with similar priorities and goals, this sudden change of mind is extremely odd (and potentially fear-driven, as mentioned earlier). If these priorities and goals haven’t matched in conversations before getting engaged, what prompted you to continue to make these life changes?
This is really tough, because I can tell you really care about her and you both have invested in the relationship. If you haven’t found one already, I would suggest seeing a couples therapist. I’m a big believer in couples therapy, even if you decide to go your separate ways. It sounds like a liaison between you both could help you parcel out how your goals integrate (or don’t) into each others’ lives.
I hope you’re both able to find peace in whatever you decide to do next.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
