The Reading
Featuring: Riese, Carmen, Laneia, Rachel, Crystal, Lizz R., Hansen, Ali, Cara, Somer & Vanessa
Rachel: Even though I had been shown a schedule before I had even shown up at camp, for some reason I was totally unprepared for the Staff Reading when it happened, which was maybe for the best, because it gave me less time to freak out. In the end, the reading became one of my favorite parts of camp just because I got to sit and listen to so many amazing things — I’m constantly in awe of my coworkers and their talents, and I’m so glad I get a time and place to just sit and marvel at them, and also obviously cry like a child.
Riese: I’d set aside a few hours each day the week before camp to work on a piece for the reading — not anticipating a series of last-minute camp-related emergencies that gobbled up those hours with alarming consistency, leaving me totally unprepared for the one activity that I should’ve been completely prepared for!
Carmen: All I know about the reading is that going first is terrifying. I can never gauge how it’s going, but the audience’s simultaneous cooing and laughing and sniffling told me it was going well. I read excerpts about Geneva, perfect human and my person, at the reading – and even though I thought they were sickeningly self-indulgent positive rays of sunshine, people seemed to really like them! The peak of this year’s reading was twofold: there was a moment right after where Brittani indicated I’d “made her tear up,” and then Stef fell on a piano. Both symbolize how my heart felt up there.
Riese: I got to learn so much about everybody’s relationships this time! Seriously, it was awesome.
Riese: For Autostraddle, Hansen is usually telling you how to make things or listen to things, but rarely do I get to hear her read about her own self, so that was awesome, especially ’cause she read about going to doctors who couldn’t fix things or explain things, a feeling I can totally relate to.
Hansen: I was really happy that my piece was pre-butt plug twin stories because I definitely couldn’t get over how funny they were.
Ali, Wildcats Counselor & Geekery Editor: The flow at this reading was impeccable. Everything was just so well-balanced, we all magically selected pieces that complimented other pieces and they magically wound up in an order that was perfect. Well, not entirely magically. Lizz and I told Riese to put us one after the other due to the remarkably similar subject matter we’d chosen to present. I read a selection from a larger piece of fiction and – well – you know what Lizz read. Lizz did Lizz. And it may have been the hardest I’ve ever laughed.
Laneia: I can’t believe we had more than one hilarious butt plug story! Talk about an embarrassment of riches you guys.
Carly: The staff reading gave us Anal Rubin, and for that we are forever grateful.
Riese: I’ll never forget Lizz saying “if you’re the type of person who gets turned on just thinking about the fact that you have an asshole…”
Stef: The first few pieces talked a lot about butt plugs and we had a lot of laughs, but then things got very serious.
Donna: I thought the readings would be light-hearted and fun, but oh it was so much more. Every reading was perfect. Perfect length, perfect sentiment, perfect picture painted in our imaginations, perfect ordering. I definitely enjoyed seeing my wife, Somer, stagger onstage to ghost-read some of Cee’s haikus.
Somer, Nighthawks Counselor/The Talent: The highlight for me – surprisingly – wasn’t my drunken rendition of Cee’s haikus, which I fortunately/unfortunately read after playing the “Butt Plug” drinking game. It was Crystal Silvester’s piece about The Cheesecake Factory. It was perfect.
Riese: In typical self-deprecating Crystal fashion, a few weeks before camp Crystal showed me her draft for the reading and was like, “please please please be real with me on whether this is just really weird and i’m gonna totally embarrass myself, don’t worry about hurting my feelings, i will appreciate your honesty.” Obvs it was kickass! As an editor, I love hearing things at the readings that I’ve seen an earlier draft of, like Vanessa’s last time and Crystal’s this time, it fills me with so much pride and happiness.
Stef: If you know Crystal, you must know that she is fascinated by some very strange aspects of American culture, namely Hot Topic and the Cheesecake Factory. When she told me she was going to read a piece about her experiences at the Cheesecake Factory, I expected it to be a wry, amusing account of her visits to America. Instead, the entire room ended up weeping… I know she was really nervous to get up there and read, but I was so proud of her. Girl, you brought the house down… The lodge? You brought the lodge down.
Bren, Bangles Counselor & Editorial Assistant: When you’re around the Autostraddle world a while you hear things…bits of information hinting at a deeper meaning of things that have happened, of the history that Riese has shared with so many of the Autostraddle Staff. For example you hear “Crystal” and “The Cheesecake Factory” mentioned together a few times and you know that there is more to the story. Then somewhere along the line someone, possibly Laneia, says that Crystal has lots of feelings about The Cheesecake Factory and you’re curious what those feelings are. Then Crystal goes up at the Staff Reading and reads those feelings and they are all the feelings ever and there isn’t a dry eye in the house and your heart can’t take it anymore and you just want to give Crystal, this sweet perfect amazing Australian, the longest, most sincere hug that ever happened.
Somer: It embodied everything great about A-Camp through tears and joy and the relationships we cherish.
Vanessa: Crystal absolutely destroyed me.
Laneia: Sobbing. I could’ve taken about 20 minutes just to sit in that cry, it was so much.
Donna: She had the whole room of 250 queers crying what seemed to be a virtual endless river of tears. Her story, ahk, I can’t even finish typing this…. I’m crying again. Sigh, mount feelings.
Hansen: She punched us all in the feels with her gorgeous, gorgeous reading. I cried a lot. I think we all cried a lot during her piece. Universal camp bonding moment.
Ali: I am SO HAPPY she read, especially since I have reason to believe she was very nervous.
Crystal: Reading words out loud to a room full of people was a completely terrifying experience for me, my entire body was shaking and so was the podium, and that made me admire the writers who do this at every camp all the more.
Riese: Laneia and I held hands for most of it and cried. When she got to the part about that time she was in New York with Laneia, Palmer, Stef, Alex and I, and we skipped our planned outing to The Cheesecake Factory because the premiere of Twilight: Moonscape was apparently more important, we transitioned from hand-holding to hand-squeezing and near-weeping.
Carly: The staff reading always reduces me to tears. This time it was Crystal and Laneia who totally destroyed me.
Vanessa: Laneia’s journal (read in her perfect voice that I could listen to for days) made me emotional.
Laneia: I somehow convinced myself that reading excerpts from my actual journal would be a good idea — like that it wouldn’t feel like turning my naked body inside out? Yeah I don’t know where I got that from. So I read some pieces about Slade, which basically never happens because I’m overprotective and weird and never really talk about him, and it was easily the most personal thing I’ve ever shared with a roomful of people. Camp!
Ali: Duh, whenever Laneia talks about her children, I die of Happy.
Laneia: I love how Cara’s brain works! Her poem was brilliant and I wish I had it on a piece of paper to read later/over and over.
Riese: Vanessa was nervous that nobody would care about her angst about living in suburbia with her parents but guess who cared – EVERYBODY. Her piece was funny and full of feelings, just like Vanessa herself.
Vanessa: This should go without saying. I’m constantly floored that I get to work with such incredible humans. Like, how did I even find a place on this staff?! It was so fun to hear Rachel read some personal creative non-fiction.
Riese: Rachel writes about her own self approximately once every billion years? So it’s a supernova every time.
Riese: Last camp, I’d asked Vanessa what I should read and she said to read Everything You Need To Know About My Sexual Orientation But Were Afraid To Ask, but I didn’t. So this camp, I did! Of course I decided that I hated it, though, and ended up sort of smashing together a thing in three parts: the story of my mom coming out, the story of the first girl I kissed, and then a slimmed-down version of aforementioned post. I had Lizz print it out but I gave her the wrong draft, so I ended up stumbling over typos and also improv’ing some sentences here and there. I’m sorry everybody. IT KEPT ME ON MY TOES.
Vanessa: I felt extra excited by Riese’s contribution because she read it for me! It’s one of my favorite things she’s ever written, and when she asked me what she should read I requested it, and then she read it! And when I told her how pleased I was afterwards, she replied, “I know, I read it for you! You asked me to!” And guys, I just love Riese so much.
Ali: Of course, Riese. Riese, the reason we’re all here, Riese the award-winning essayist and editor, knocked it out of the park as usual.
Sophia: The Staff Reading was such a good balance of humour and deeply heartfelt.
Ali: Of course I love every piece that was presented that night – I wish I could give you a complete blow-by-blow. It was phenomenal and I was SO HAPPY to be a part of it. I often can’t believe I get to share space/air with these amazingly talented writers and I’m so grateful that they let me stand up there with them.
Crystal: The staff reading is always my favourite thing at A-Camp. I am forever in awe of all the amazing and brave writers that we have on staff and hearing them share their work live never fails to make my heart burst, and so I felt super honoured to be sitting among them this time.
Lizz: I loved this camp’s reading! Well, I always love the staff reading. I have all these people who I email with every day — we’re so close. But hearing everyone’s readings really gets you deeper. A lot of us read things that had never been published on the website. In a lot of ways we’re moving past reading our “best” piece and towards reading journals and works in progress. It was funny, this camp’s reading was very body-focused. It seemed like everyone wanted to talk about the mind-body connection. It seems we’re all having a lot of anxiety about our bodies/health. I can’t really talk about what I read because I’d like to have a job someday, but I promise it was funny. Just believe me, okay?
Somer: The entire staff reading is always amazing, and Donna turned to me after laughing, crying, and laugh-crying, and I could tell we would come back to A-Camp every chance we would get.
Vanessa: Jane, my amazing beautiful Runagayheart camper, who approached me after the reading and hugged me and told me I remind her of a freaking DISNEY PRINCESS. Then we cried together. I’m serious. Camp is a magical place, Disney-Princess-Style (but cooler and less damsel-in-distress-like, obviously).
Riese: A camper came up to me afterwards and didn’t say anything, just hugged me, and I think we hugged for like a solid five minutes. Only at A-Camp.
Strip Spelling Bee
Stef: Just before the Strip Spelling Bee, I leaned over to the sound booth and blew gently in Intern Grace’s ear. She recoiled so severely that I think I saw her soul actually leave her body.
Bren: DeAnne hosted the Strip Spelling Bee, which is exactly what you’re thinking it is. Each color team had a representative Tribute in the spelling bee and if the tribute got the word right applause all around, but if they got it wrong they had to strip. This entire scenario was demonstrated by Marni before things started. She successfully spelled “Autostraddle” and received applause. But then she misspelled the next word and was forced to strip, which she did. And each discarded item of clothing revealed more and more of…Vocabulary Bear. That’s right Marni was in a bear suit under her clothes!
Ali: I screamed myself hoarse when Marni stripped and she was wearing that bear costume. I feel like I understand Bieber Fever having seen Marni strip into a bear costume. That’s how excited I was about it.
Marni, A-Camp Co-Director & AS Contributor: A few months before camp I realized that it was really important that we get a bear costume. Finding the perfect bear costume was challenging, as bear costumes tend to cost either $50 or $500, but there isn’t too much in between. I think the one we settled on was perfect (Robin especially liked the ‘beak’ element, very bear-like). I soon discovered that putting on a bear suit is perhaps one of the most liberating acts that a person can perform. It was bigger than me, the bear was. The bear was all of us.
Bren: This is just the best part of the strip spelling bee, that people only needed to strip to their comfort level, whether that be their birthday suit or a bear suit. You do you. That’s what A-Camp is all about.
Marni: Aside from the initial ‘example strip’ in which I debuted the bear suit, my job was to provide the correct spellings of words missed by contestants and generally riff off of DeAnne (which is tough because bears can’t spell). Naturally this translated to me dancing like a lunatic bear in solidarity with the contestants each time they missed a word.
Riese: We promised no photos of the contestants, otherwise y’all could be witnessing some epic nerdy stripping action right this minute in this recamp.
Rachel: What if there were hot queers stripping in front of you, but ALSO DeAnne Smith was making jokes, and ALSO there was a dancing bear, and ALSO you learned vocabulary words? Ok, yes, that’s what I thought. On a more personal level, as the person who usually has to edit Lizz’s articles, I was deeply moved that she participated, and frankly totally floored that she spelled a word right. I’m sorry for not believing in you, Lizz.
Lizz: Normally I would never ever ever spell in public, but it was retribution to Rachel, Laneia and Riese for having to edit my terrible phonetic spelling constantly. Being able to correctly spell Chlamydial on stage was one of the best moments of my life.
Riese: I think after Lizz spelled “chlamydial” correctly I screamed “ask her to spell ‘THERE’”!!
Carly: OMG this was the most fun ever. Grace and I got to make up context sentences and we had no idea what any of the words meant. It was a complete shitshow. I really hope we do this again next time.
Robin: Contestants stripped to their comfort level while fellow campers cheered them on. I’m terrible at spelling so I was impressed by all of them!
Laneia: God the strip spelling bee gave me so many feelings in quick succession! I just kept checking in with myself: “Is this really happening? Can the world really be this grand on every level?” Yes, yes it can.
Liz C., Firestarters Counselor & AS Contributor: Sure there were boobs, but my favorite part was when Jeanie NAILED that silent G.
Sophia: It was so good and fantastic and hilarious. Especially when (the yellow team??) solidarity stripped in the back.
Kai, Wildcats Counselor & Calendar Girl: The Wildcats aka the best cabin ever always yelled our cabin cheer with the commitment of lesbians in a two-week new relationship (read: a lot). Which was the greatest always, but especially at the Strip Spelling Bee when IT WORKED. Wildcats Rep That Blue! With Your Consent, Show Us Your Boobs! Forever and ever, amen.
Ali: Is it me, or were all our Campers really bad spellers and professional strippers? How was everyone a professional stripper? Can anyone think of a better combination for a Strip Spelling Bee? I submit that no one can. And then when Kai hit that split? Dear Sweet Lesbian Jesus. And then DeAnne?! DeAnne Smith was the perfect balance of actually hosting a spelling bee and totally hilarious.
Dani RDS, Stormtroopers Counselor & Writer: It was an experience like no other. Never had learning new words and proper spelling been this fun. Every camper and staff member on that stage is a hero to me.
Riese: Our rep for the purple team, Vanessa, was fucking perfect. Guess what perfection gets you? A WIN. Yup. We won the fuck out of that Bee. As if I wasn’t already head-over-heels in love with The Runaways by that point.
DeAnne: It killed me. I was completely unprepared for the level of spelling prowess and stripping skill that would be on display. I don’t even have an adjective for how great the contestants were, but it’d be something that incorporates lovely, fantastic, and mind-blowing. I wish Vocabulary Bear could help me out here. I miss Vocabulary Bear.
Opening Night of Klub Deer
[Listen to the playlist here!]
Carmen: The opening night of Klub Deer was the most amazing turnout we’ve ever had (not counting the last two Saturday night events, which are always sold out with lines snaking around the door and not enough bouncers to keep track of everyone. Obviously.) The sheer amount of bodies in that room inspired me to do more – and thus I set off on a camp-long mission to create and expand “The Klub Deer Twerk Team.”
Kaylah: After the Twerkshop I got special recognition by Carmen, the official Klub Deer dancer, and was given stage access.
Kai: The Twerkshop dancers made their debut at Klub Deer, and it was the perfect amount of bootyliciousness. FYI that is now my routine at every club from now until I can’t anymore. Props to everyone that figuratively held a piece of chalk with their butt cheeks and drew circles on the blackboard behind them. Go forth and twerk.
Kaylah: Klub Deer was the wildest I’d ever seen it. I was in a sea of sweaty bodies, roaming hands, tied tongues and swiveling hips with my dancing cabin mates around me for support. I even think there was some clothing lost in Klub Deer that night. Wild.
Stef: It was DJed by a mysterious guest who promoted herself as Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem but turned out to be DJ Carlytron.
Carly: I finally got to guest DJ at Klub Deer! Thank you Cee!
Stef: I wore a blinking headlamp and had a glorious time dancing with all the VIPs. This was the night I discovered Senior Editor Rachel Kincaid’s secret ability to drop it real low. She and Emily Gigler were the undisputed stars of Klub Deer that evening.
Emily: Favorite moments included Carlytron’s first set, go-go dancing with Kaylah & Carmen, the twerkshop twerk team performing our routine, DJ DasGigler’s Klub Deer premier, and everyone generally going batshit buckwild.
Cara: It was the best Klub Deer I had ever been to. Maybe it was Somer giving me a frozen beer and then Donna helping me catch the foam in her hands when it exploded. Maybe it was the Matrix-level Bullet Time my brain slowed down to when DJ Carlytron played No Church in the Wild. Maybe everyone was just celebrating life like there was no tomorrow after Crystal diced and deep-fried all our hearts at the staff reading. Whatever it was, it was magic.
Riese: I didn’t even have to go to Klub Deer to experience Klub Deer because THE MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING LOUD, I slept with my earbuds in like an old lady wedded to a vocabulary bear.
Later that night
Somer: It’s 3am. You’re in a cabin on a mountain top full of queers. It’s cold but you’re huddled up with your wife to share body heat. The last echoes of Club Deer have died down. You’re dreaming of re-enacting tricks from the Kink Panel / Ropes course you attended earlier in the day.
And suddenly:
BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHO OR WHAT THE FUCK IS POUNDING ON YOUR WINDOW ON THE MOUNTAIN IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS AND ARE YOU GOING TO DIE HERE?!
Is it a bear? Is it a drunk camper? Is it an impending alien abduction?
Oh… it’s just Deanne Smith and her girlfriend.
Yeah, Deanne Smith was at A-Camp, and she made us laugh and she tried to slap our vulvas. But Donna & I got to share a bathroom with Deanne and unfortunately we locked her out in the middle of the night. She tried to wake us up pleasantly, reading sonnets from just outside our window, singing 80s love ballads, and leaving lipstick marks on the chilly panes. When that didn’t work, she just banged our door the FUCK down.
Sorry we locked you out, Deanne. But you are awesome. We less than 3 you all the live long night.
Tune in next time for Friday, THE DAY OF THE GRAND CARNIVAL! What are your favorite memories from Day Two of A-Camp: Epic Version?
