Q:

I have a boyfriend that recently moved in with me. We’ve been dating awhile now but he has been too far to visit very often until he eventually moved in. We have always been very loving and supportive emotionally and felt close with him in ways I haven’t with past partners. I feel like we intuitively understand each other and our needs in a lot of matters and are willing to figure it out when intuition isn’t enough. One area that we have not been able to find understanding around is physical intimacy.

My boyfriend is not very experienced with romantic physical contact. He gets nervous talking about sex or participating in it to the point where he says the anxiety causes him physical discomfort. He doesn’t seem to enjoy things like kissing beyond an affectionate smooch and looks at me like a deer in the headlights any time we discuss physical intimacy. He also says that he is considering whether or not he could be asexual. When we do anything more than cuddling I ask if he is enjoying himself and wants to continue and he usually responds he is “okay” but does not really have anything he wants to do. I would be okay with no sexual contact if that is what he wanted but he still seems unsure and I don’t want to take away that chance from him just because he’s nervous. He also specifically asked for me to take the lead sexually because he is inexperienced and trying to figure out what to do makes him uncomfortable.

I especially feel confused because I live with another partner that is part of the triad and we can be extremely sexually engaged throughout the day. Like, BDSM with established rules and titles type of engaged throughout the day. We don’t engage in anything that makes him uncomfortable (he has talked to us about what parts of our play are a bit much so we have opened a dialogue about it), but he can be really hard on himself about comparing himself to other people in the relationship. He has already shared that how sweet and close our dynamic is has made him feel a little left out in the past, we offered to include him in our play if he wanted but with sex in general being a sensitive topic he was unsurprisingly not interested. I am fine with how things are in general and he got over those feelings of being left out to where our dynamic can coexist with him being in the relationship. We are at a point where things are fine as is, but I am still a bit lost on how to proceed.

Part of me feels like it’s a thorny topic and the best move would be to wait to engage with him sexually at all, like if he is still nervous then it would be better to not engage at all until he feels comfortable enough to start slow and attempt stuff like make outs. But then another part of me doesn’t want him to feel like I’m not sexually attracted to him. The fact he is sexually inexperienced is something that has made him feel ashamed when he looks at my other partner’s confidence. If I settle on waiting for him to get comfortable and stop trying to initiate then will he start to feel I’m less attracted to him then my other partner? Not to mention that if he is nervous about sexual contact but still wants it then getting some experience so it doesn’t seem like this scary and intimidating thing to him would be helpful.

I also know the first and most obvious solution is to talk to my boyfriend, but he only ever says that sexual stuff is okay and freezes up when we start touching. I have even talked to him about worrying whether or not he enjoys what we are doing and he say he’ll make sure to let me know if he needs to stop. So if I take him at his word, then to listen to him would mean continuing to initiate while I feel like he’s uncomfortable, which makes me feel like I am being a bad partner for not helping him feel more at ease or pumping the brakes. On the other hand, if I stop initiating with him sexually when he says he wants me to take the lead then I am kind of saying I don’t trust him and I risk him feeling unattractive or like I am not interested in figuring out our chemistry and sex might remain this scary unknown instead of becoming more familiar and comfortable (as long as he wants to continue engaging so it can get there, of course). I know I also need to feel comfortable proceeding regardless of if he’s okay with continuing, which is part of why I wanted to double check if these sorts of nerves are normal or if that should be an immediate red light. Really the main reason I’m iffy is that he has hidden how uncomfortable things make him in the past. It was not during intimate contact with me specifically, but if you are willing to force yourself to go out when you are miserable and having a terrible time because you don’t want to be a party pooper and you are self conscious about your level of sexual experience then it kind of follows that I should make extra sure they aren’t pressing themselves in this arena either. It is further complicated by the fact that he just moved across state lines with several in between and he has never lived outside his home state away from his family so there are a lot of other nerves and changes happening besides our sex life. On top of that, I have repeatedly heard things like, “Much of the time, being asexual in a relationship with an allosexual partner can feel like the allosexual’s needs are… insisting upon themselves,” and I think that is my other biggest concern now that everything is laid out.

How can I make sure my needs are not insisting upon themselves and that my boyfriend is not pushing himself too much while he figures out if he’s asexual while also making sure he feels seen and desired? How do I be a good girlfriend to him and make sure he knows he will be loved and respected no matter what happens while still respecting that he told me doesn’t want to stop trying to have sex and wants me to take the lead? Besides talking it out, as we have done that plenty on this specific part of the question and he is honestly at a loss although we will continue talking, how do I experiment and find what makes my partner feel good if even a light make out session makes him overwhelmed with anxiety about his inexperience? Should I tell him he is welcome to initiate and make my attraction clear but let him come to me when he’s ready so he doesn’t feel the pressure or would that lead to him feeling unwanted? Should I try a bunch of different things to see if he likes them or would that create more unnecessary pressure? Should I mostly make sure to keep a sharp eye out for how he is feeling while continuing conversations about safety and comfort so I can let my intuition guide me on the specifics of what to try when?

Thanks for hearing me out, I am familiar with how to handle several parts of the situation in isolation but when added together it is a bit overwhelming to navigate how they interact and if I am doing the most I can to respect my partner and make them feel valued.

Sincerely,
Polyam Sex Maze

A:

Hi there, Polyam Sex Maze.

It’s good to see someone else who elaborates in such detail. This reads like my internal monologue when I’m feeling unsure about something complex. That’s my approach to writing these columns, too. When I read the submission, I let the voice in my head click onto key points. If those points repeat, I’ll elaborate on them in writing.

The two things I kept hearing in my head during this piece are, “some forms of anxiety are out of your paygrade and realm of responsibility,” and “there comes a point where you’ve taken reasonable steps but others should meet you.”

At some point, sexual anxiety catches everyone who has sex and even most people who don’t have sex. It’s a perfect storm of vulnerabilities for those of us who have gaps in our confidence. Social interaction. Physical performance. Societal expectations. Taboo topics. Anxiety magnifies our fears but we can often cope with that on a daily basis. But when several of those fears gather under one roof, even a resilient person falls back to default behaviors.

I suspect that’s part of what’s happening to your boyfriend.

From what I can tell, he’s got some interest in sex, but it’s paired with a lot of uncertainty. This includes uncertainty about his sexuality. He’s got an interest in your BDSM dynamic but isn’t ready to participate. You’ve given him an open door policy on sexual contact, but he feels unsure about taking part. This leads to uncertainty on your part because you’re getting very mixed communications about his interests versus his actions — plus all the secondary uncertainty this can stir in your mind about whether he feels included in the relationship.

You have a complex person set before you, and I have to applaud the patience in handling his complexity. Yet the more I read into your story, the more I think there’s stuff happening underneath that is beyond us. Both beyond our paygrade and beyond what we can reasonably take on as partners while looking out for ourselves. I saw shades of this when you mentioned that he’s known to conceal discomfort and press himself in situations he doesn’t always enjoy. That could be applied to sex (and also lend credence to his asexual hypothesis). This happens to a lot of people who aren’t fully confident in recognizing or advocating for their care needs (guilty!).

Everything you wrote emphasizes sexual anxiety, but that left me wondering if your boyfriend is particularly anxious in other parts of life? If he is, it could be a sign of a more generalized problem that also affects his sex life. If he’s not a generally anxious person, that’s really notable because that could speak to experiences or events that keep him from taking part in sex despite wanting to. Either way, his anxiety sounds significant enough that it keeps him from trying things he wants, and it also affects his relationships. That’s almost textbook anxiety. Which takes it into a therapist’s purview. If you’re in the position to consider some kind of relationship counselling or a solo therapy process for him, I think it’s well-worth considering. But should you approach the topic, it’s critical to approach it with your usual compassion and gentleness so that it doesn’t trip a major fear of failure or inadequacy. This is only a path you should take if you feel it’s feasible and safe to approach, but I just wanted to highlight the fact that we don’t have to bear every one of our partners’ anxieties and difficulties on our own. Sometimes, things do get further than what we can provide.

And you’ve provided a lot already. You give me the impression of someone who listens with a compassionate ear and offers fair guidance to someone in a difficult spot. A lot of the time, that is the best we can do as partners for a loved one in need. It’s utterly normal to want to resolve the situation (or less palatably: ‘fix’ a person). The frustration that accompanies being unable to resolve things is likewise normal. I nonetheless believe that you’ve given your boyfriend exactly what he needs: a comforting ear, a road forward, and openness to his needs.

Of course, you came here seeking answers and “chill, you’ve done enough!” won’t feel adequate. So I do intend to give some practical pointers too. Strap in.

How can you try to have your sexuality ‘insist upon itself’ even less? You could turn the needle further away from sex and just focus on being his girlfriend and friend. He clearly benefits from the friendship and company of your relationship. Lean on that. The dates, the little smooches, and the good time you spend together. Give him the non-sexual side that he does enjoy while he figures out the rest.

How do you balance out his interest in continued sexual experimentation despite being at a loss for where to start? See above. Just keep being the good partner to him you already are and play it by ear. You’ll have learned much about his needs and responses during those conversations with him. That’s the groundwork for the day he does turn out to be ready and aroused.

How can you ensure his comfort and assuage his fears while also not imposing the topic of sex onto him? Take space when it’s offered, but let it lie otherwise. By that, I mean reassure him of his full validity and goodness as a person when he expresses uncertainty. But otherwise let the topic hibernate. You’re still ensuring that every discussion he has with you about his fears is met with compassion, but not adding anything that might frighten him.

Given his noted pattern for anxiety and uncertainty, I don’t think the answer is to try lots of sexual things with him or to keep telling him that he’s welcome to initiate. I know the latter from personal experience: there’s a point where welcoming someone to sex can turn into pressure if they don’t otherwise feel ready. Rather, it sounds like he’s in an introspective space where he needs to work through anxieties and identity. This is a good time to give him a safe base for that exploration, rather than putting more stuff on his plate.

I can see exactly why you sometimes feel overwhelmed. Your situation is full of uncertainty and contradictions. This is the time to explore outside support, like therapy, or take a step back and be a good friend to your partner. Trying new things with your boyfriend is well-intentioned, but I don’t think either of you would benefit from the strain that could bring. Let’s focus on the good you’ve already cultivated and take new steps when everyone feels ready.

You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.

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