Q:
Hey Autostraddle team! I hope you all are good!I have a question that I don’t see in a lot of places. It’s going to sound so strange. Basically, my situation is that I’ve been out and queer for a long time now, and I get quite a bit of attention from people. I have a lot of self-confidence and if I’m into somebody, I’m not afraid to make a move.
My problem, though, is that I’m just never into anybody. I’ve tried, believe me. I’ve tried apps, where I go out on dates with people who are perfectly lovely people, and I actually make quite a few friendships out of them, but never anything more — or worst case scenario end up having to let somebody down gently, which makes me feel bad, so I’ve actually changed my profile to specify that I’m looking for friendships in order to curtail expectations. I’ve tried bars, where I generally get hassled all night until I’m uncomfortable enough to leave. I’ve tried friends of friends.
I’m not asexual, because I will get that attraction to somebody occasionally, and then it will be *hot*. I’m not exactly demisexual either, because when the attraction hits, it’s immediate.
A lot of people tell me to keep on trying, to find someone who is nice and with whom I click mentally, and keep on working on the sex part. I’ve tried that. It’s awful. If I try pushing myself to sleep with someone if there isn’t any attraction, it ends up turning into absolute repulsion – I end up in the shower, wanting to scrub off my skin, and feeling horribly guilty about feeling that way about a perfectly nice person in a consensual situation.
Whenever I do have the attraction and sparks are there, it tends not to lead to anything more. I’m kind of BDSM-y, sexually, and the people with the sparks tend to be poly, and I am absolutely not poly, despite having tried it multiple times. (I’m just kind of wired monogamously. It makes sense. My attraction to people is so rare in the first place that when it hits, there’s absolutely no way I’m going to be attracted to anyone else.) I really, really would like to be dating someone right now, but I feel like all I’m doing is wasting people’s time by hanging out with them and hoping that a physical attraction will magically form itself. Then the other part is that because my lack of attraction is somehow kryptonite to people who like a challenge, I can end up feeling pressured or getting harassed. Please tell me there are other people like me out there!
A:
Hiii anon,
Welcome to the inbox! Okay, so welcome to the Complex Sexualities team. None of us can fit into an umbrella term. We’re all personally victimized/empowered by the fluidity of our attraction. I’m Summer. I’m bisexual-but-men-are-on-thin-ice. My girlfriend is sapphic-bisexual-pillow-princess-with-a-hibernatory-sex-drive. And we’re the ones lucky enough to have some of it figured out. I’ve met people whose sexualities are best explained by an interrobang type in comic sans. Or a blurry reaction gif from 2014.
So, I’m not gonna try and label you because I think you’re in an introspective space where labels might be more confining than helpful. What I will do is assure you that what you’re going through happens a lot, and you’re experiencing sexuality as your personhood calls for it. Even if it can be dissatisfactory.
The thing about sexuality is that we all have an internal sense (or absence) of it, but a lot of it plays out in interactions with the outside world. Looking at your question, I get the sense you have good self-confidence and awareness of your needs. But the friction you’re experiencing happens when you meet the social world. App dating, dating friends, and bars have given limited success. Poly people might fit your map of sexuality, but you’re not poly. It goes on.
To me, that speaks to friction between your social context and your needs. Which is to say, you’ve done nothing ‘wrong’ and there is no fix here rooted in ‘self-improvement’ or further change. You have changed to meet the mould, and it’s not working. Realizing the issue isn’t you but your context is both liberating and so annoying. It means there’s truly nothing ‘wrong’ with you or your approach, but you also can’t force your setting to change to your benefit.
Still, I think there’s space for small adjustments and considerations that might help. We can’t change everything around us, but we can tilt things in our favor without forcing ourselves further beyond the comfort zone.
Be your app dating self
I noted that you’ve changed your apps to say you’re seeking friends. You’re correct in that it can soften the landing when things go wrong, but it’s happening at your expense. You’re compromising on your desires in preparation for failure, and I don’t think that’s fair to you.
One avenue that’s always improved my app dating experience is being unapologetically honest about my needs without being brash or rude. My profiles always detail exactly who I am and what I’m looking for. Anyone who is disinterested can weed themselves out, and it leads to a pool of people who are likely to match my desires. The quantity in that pool might be smaller, but the quality of my interactions skyrockets.
App dating is at its heart, about matchmaking. And matchmaking is a lot harder if you give info that runs counter to your interests. Your profile is set up to look for friends, so that might be exactly what you get. Being honest and forward on a dating profile doesn’t mean condescension or hostility. That’s a terrible first impression. Honesty is freeing. It filters out mismatched people while presenting your desires. Even if it doesn’t go perfectly, you can be confident that you put your best self forward.
Be present without force
Your paragraph about wanting to scrub the skin off after sex that lacks attraction was visceral and resonant. I normally see or experience that act around trauma, although I’ve found myself in the same place after consensual sex in a really bad emotional state.
That passage was very revealing in that it showed just how much you want to experience attraction. Like so many of us who felt unwanted, you surpassed your comfort zone in search of the good feeling. All I can do is encourage you to be gentler on yourself. Your sexuality is already stormy and forcing the issue is more likely to lead to pain than success.
Rather, I advocate for being present when we’re unsure about a situation. There’s a middle route between looking out for ourselves and the person in front of us that doesn’t ask too much of ourselves. In situations where pressing the issue might yield an immediate result, it may also forever sour the relationship (of no fault of the other person).
Do something you enjoy, but socially
Dating advice often pushes the ‘try a hobby’ or ‘put yourself out there’ line. What that misses is that our underlying intentions shape the experience of being ‘out there.’ People who go out of their comfort zone in search of relationships are doing something at their expense in the hope of success. And when success is slow to come, we’re left with a crappy experience and a sense of failure.
An indoorsy person looking for connection in a nightclub. A germaphobe looking for hookups at a music festival. Someone who hates app dating tries it as a last resort. It’s a story repeated a million times over. I don’t know your feelings about the friend groups, bars, and apps you’ve tried. But I can’t imagine they’ve improved since you’ve tried and failed to find relationships through them.
Partaking in an activity in search of relationships is energy intensive. Rather, I think people benefit from doing something that happens to involve like-minded people without the expectation of dating. That keeps the experience from being soured and removes the threat of ‘failure.’ Putting yourself out there by doing something you enjoy is a near-certain road to enrichment. Putting yourself out there in search of something not related to the activity means only one outcome is successful and everything else is disappointing.
Bottom line
I’ve been in your position, and I empathize with the frustration of desperately wanting someone in my life. I’ve slept with people who weren’t good for me in search of the magic feeling. I’ve put myself in spaces I hate with hopes of finding romance. I’ve displayed untrue versions of myself to seem more appealing or easier to access.
The outcome in all of these cases was misery. Misery due to tarnishing activities I enjoyed. Misery for violating my own boundaries. Misery in not being myself.
Things turned around for me when I started being gentler on myself. When I did the work I could and then told myself that the rest is the world’s problem and the world can have me as I am. I became a more emotionally whole person, and that took the weight of dating off my shoulders. After all, the gentleness we want for our future partners needs to start with ourselves.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Comments
Wow. To the letter writer – this is *exactly* my experience. Apart from the mentions of being into BDSM and only finding yourself attracted to poly people, I could’ve written this! About to read the response but just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in this, and I’m sure we aren’t the only ones.
Since breaking up with my ex (my only partner I’ve ever been really truly attracted to) I’ve had this problem too!!! For me it’s partially because I’m butch4butch and there just aren’t that many butches where I live??? Slim pickings! Also into BDSM and not into poly arrangements atm. So like the commenter above, I ALSO FEEL U!!!!!
I don’t know that Summers’s advice is very good because I don’t know that there IS much good advice for this scenario, but I just wanted to note in case the letter writer is reading this… this described me to a T 5 years ago! Constantly going on dates or finding myself in semi romantic situations with perfectly hot, perfectly nice, perfectly smart girls who I just was not attracted to despite (“she’s perfectly hot/nice/smart, it must be my fault for not trying hard enough…”). I had almost given up but I did finally meet someone with whom I had that instant crazy attraction feeling. It was complicated, but I trusted my gut that the attraction meant something. Now we are engaged, and she’s the love of my life, and we turned out to be exactly compatible in terms of “BDSM-y” desires AND we are monogamous too. This just to say — it can happen, you have to wait for it, it helps to live somewhere where there are a looooot of queer people so you have a wider range of options. Good luck!
Summer’s advice isn’t good because there (in your opinion) is simply no advice for this situation? That’s a bit rough! I found Summer’s advice to be sensible and caring. It gently encourages the LW to work towards a good mental space vis a vis relationships, which will stand them in good stead when that magical worlds collide situation you subscribe to (which I think is real) occurs. Good advice Summer!
You are definitely not alone in this, I’ve had basically the same problem for literal decades. Although I’ve never been the type much for awkwardly sparkless dates or kinda-forced encounters, I have stuck around waaaay too long in shitty or missmatched relationships in the past, knowing it could take ages for me to be attracted to somebody again. Don’t recommend.
So yeah, there doesn’t seem to be a magic solution. Seconding being kind to yourself as you cannot control or force anything, and upping your chances by meeting a lot of queer people! Over the years I’ve amassed a certain amount of acceptance, that it’s just part of the deal of being me. And getting hit by attraction-lightning from time to time? Not the worst of fates ;)
Could have written this verbatim. 💕 Heartened to see kindred spirits in the comments. It’s not easy being monog, femme4femme, and specific.
Obviously folks can and should identify however they want or not at all, but fwiw there is a lot of wide open space on the ace spectrum for these kind of experiences. It’s “little to no” sexual attraction, which this very much describes. Doesn’t need to fit a microlabel (which I’m not sure if there is one that hones in on this experience since I’m just not up on my microlabels currently) to be solidly within the spectrum.
I’m curious if this person has similarly rare romantic attraction, or if it’s just a matter of the sexual attraction. Dating certainly doesn’t require sexual attraction. But maybe what this person wants from dating is specifically sexual.
I’m an overthinker, so I like to analyze the patterns of how and when different types of attraction happen for me, and that feels helpful to me in seeking out similar circumstances to times I’ve had the type of attraction I’m seeking. I don’t actually know that I’d suggest this, just because it hasn’t led to dating success for me and overthinking can fuel anxiety. (I also sometimes learn things about myself I don’t want to know, but that’s why I’m in therapy.)
good thoughts and notes in the column and comments. especially what Summer said about being more specific about you’re looking for (bdsm, strong sexual connection, monogamy)
I would add one additional option, which is to be more up-front about your kinky interests in general — either in your style of dress or your dating profile or what events you’re attending or what apps/websites you’re on in the first place. it’s true that lots of poly people are kinky and vice versa — but it’s also true that a person more ‘out’ as one of those things may also be more comfortable about being ‘out’ about the other one. so being the one who is upfront about what you like may help draw the attention of people more likely to overlap with your activity interests l, and that seems to be the subset of people you’re most likely to feel a spark with
Just adding another vote of: I don’t have any suggestions, but I strongly resonate with this. I personally use the label gray ace because I rarely experience sexual attraction in that there are very, very few people I am actually attracted to (including very dewy celebrities I actually find attractive). I’m really lucky in that I found someone I am attracted to and we’re married, so I’m not dealing with the OP’s dating challenges. And like the OP I definitely don’t identify as demi because when the attraction is there it’s pretty immediate). But I’ve honestly assumed that if we did break up there was a good chance I’d be single for a long time or even indefinitely.
So I guess I’m just hoping for luck for the OP and sending thoughts of solidarity.
Joining the chorus of people who resonated SO hard with this letter! I had a period where I questioned if I still could consider myself a lesbian because it had been so long since I felt any interest in another woman.
(I probably have it easier since I think I’m pretty poly-oriented (even if the thought that I might personally encounter two people I’m attracted to at the same time feels laughable – I like the idea of a partner dating other people too), and I’m also not looking for a traditional life partner type thing. My sympathies though for the monog life-partner-seeking folks dealing with this!)
For me, one thing that’s helped me engage in sexuality is realizing that I can tap into desire if it’s specifically part of a kink scene even if I’m not attracted to the person outside of that scene. It can be a fun outlet/way to engage in that kind of energy even if there’s something about it that feels ultimately unsatisfying (I want to be able to submit to a Dom I respect and trust and am genuinely into.) It’s not something I do often (again, ultimately unsatisfying) but it’s a reminder that the type of energy does exist inside me and it’s possible to tap into.
The other thing that’s been helpful for me is just embracing the idea that I’m just picky and have a very specific type that’s just pretty rare to encounter. (Butch/masc women/nb folks with a certain kind of dominant energy who are also extremely intelligent. I’ve met three and fallen immediately for all of them lol.) I tried dating just to date, and it felt horrible (like LW said), but embracing that I’m snobbish and picky and no longer going on dates feels great.
Finally, thank you so much, Summer, for not making this a specific identity label thing. One of the things that makes this so hard to talk about is how it feels like everyone jumps to “oh you’re asexual! oh you’re demi!” which I’m just like… no. I read “Ace” by Angela Chen, and I learned a lot, and it opened up a lot of interesting questions, but that’s not me! It’s so annoying when people insist that it is!
sending all my love to LW and everyone else in the comments <3
Chiming in to say this is very much my experience too, and I see you friend! I have a strong romantic streak paired with incredibly minimal capacity for attraction-and, like one of the above posters, I also go with gray ace.
I can’t say I’m fully at peace with it but I do feel a lot less pressure on myself than when I was trying to force myself into situations I wasn’t comfortable with.
I love Summer’s advice to be gentle with yourself, and to be clear about your needs. Much love to you!
I have never commented on anything here before, but I have also never read anything here before that resonated with me so much, wow. Apart from a few particulars, I could have written this exact letter. I have no advice but am wishing the letter-writer (and the other commenters in the same boat) all the luck in the world. <3
I heavily second trying out hobbies YOU enjoy without looking for relationships. I have the same : i know i’m attracted to someone pretty fast but for like… maybe 2-3 ppl a year? and it’s mostly people i wouldn’t be super compatible with. TBH i just ended up getting comfortable about being single and enjoying the feeling of attraction and possibly the encounter when they arise, even if it doesn’t lead to long-term partnership. Not really a solution, i know, but reading up on amatonormativity and the injunction to be partnered up really helped me make a difference between what I want (strong emotional connections, be it friendship or relationship or inbetween, and freedom to move around for my studies) and what i know my circles think i need (a stable partner with whom to have sex reliably).
I relate A LOT to this letter writer. Even though I *can* and *have* experienced immediate or near-immediate attraction (i.e. they become hot within the span of 20 minutes, or a couple days, or a couple weeks, b/c the conversations we’re having are just VIBING and HITTING), I do identify as demisexual, b/c I think demisexuals represent a whole spectrum of experiences between 100% asexual and 100% allosexual. For me, that was the closest possible label that could potentially fit me and sort of convey what I need to the people I date. I’m also “picky” and have a specific type – masc of center/butch/androgynous folks who I also need to have an intellectual, emotional and romantic connection with. Been on a lot of dates where my date presented as my type and was physically attractive where I had said “initial attraction/interest”, but then, their personality was awful/negative/full of bragging/not vibing with mine and any potential attraction immediately died lol! I think Summer’s advice is pretty darn good, especially about not just writing “looking for friends” but replacing that with what you’re *actually* looking for (BDSM, monogamy, other things that are your type etc.). All I have been able to do, personally, to remedy the fact that I’m apparently attracted to less than 5-10% of the population is a) move to a city that gives me the best possible shot of a compatible dating pool, due to the culture and community b) enjoy living my life, focusing on going to events I wanna go to and forging new platonic connections/queer community and getting out of the house, NOT solely focused on dating c) taking healthy breaks from dating and The Applications when needed d) dumping the shady “friends” who were actively shaming me for “not trying hard enough” to be into my dates with whom I genuinely had no connection by the 2nd or 3rd date.