Keeping up with my gay group chats is basically a part time job. Mine are basically all just different configurations of the same core group of people. All of my group chats have at least one of the following archetypes, and I bet yours do, too. Tag yourself in the comments. You might even be more than one.

The Algorithm Ruiner

This is me, and I am this. Most of my friends know better than to actually click on any TikToks or Reels I send in the gc. I have a predilection for exceptionally cursed content. From cringe lesbian influencer couples to Christian content creators, you can count on me to drop links that literally no one wants to click out of fear it’ll ruin their algorithm AKA make their algorithm look like mine. Us Algorithm Ruiners can’t help it! We’re allergic to “good” content, and we’re devoted to imposing our “bad” content on you.

The Keysmasher

Self explanatoryasdkashjdlkasjdkasjdjk

Voice Memo Radio Hour Host

We all have that one person who is basically running a podcast in the group chat, sending voice memos with reckless abandon. Several in a row, sent at odd hours, some lasting 11+ minutes. The Voice Memo Radio Hour Host knows no limits, and we are their dutiful audience.

The Private Investigaytor

They know who’s dating who before the hard launch, which couples are breaking up before those couples even know, where your ex is working now, and where to look for the good goss. The Private Investigaytor is who you go to if you need to find out if someone is gay or single and when and where they were born for birth chart purposes.

The Instigaytor

You know, the person who’s not just spilling tea but brewing it in the first place. The hater, the shady lady, the shit stirrer. The Instigaytor is extremely fun so long as you’re not the target of their trash talk, but there’s no way to guarantee they aren’t talking shit about you in another group chat.

The Friendly Ghost

This is the person who disappears for days on end — maybe even WEEKS — and then re-emerges as if they were never gone. They’re either a top, a butch, a Sagittarius, or some combination of all three.

The Non Sequeertur

You will simply never get this person to stay on topic, and we love them for it. Not even predictive text could predict what they’ll say next. None of us can! I find there to be a lot of overlap between the Voice Memo Radio Hour Host and the Non Sequeertur. This person loves tapbacks, too.

The Live Texter

Whether they’re watching a movie, a show, listening to an album, reading an article, or on a literal date, the Live Texter is going to let you know exactly what they think and exactly how they feel about every single second of the thing they’re experiencing. How do their thumbs move that fast! We can’t know!

The Fit Checker

Listen some of us just need to check our fits for all occasions!!! (This is a good person to get selfie and/or thirst trap advice from btw.)

The Archivist

This is the keeper of the queer historical record. The keeper of the receipts. The Archivist remembers every inside joke the group chat has ever had and is typically the one to periodically update the gc name to one of those inside jokes. Don’t piss off The Archivist; they’re all-knowing, and they remember everything (and have the screenshots to back it up).

The Reservationist

This person in the group chat will always ALWAYS make a reservation for group brunch/dinner/etc, even if it’s for a restaurant that doesn’t even get busy. They know there’s power in planning. For group chats where everyone lives in other cities, The Reservationist typically takes the lead on planning IRL trips to see each other.

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