When you’re dating over the age of 30, the odds of dating someone who is divorced are pretty high. I didn’t mind the idea of dating someone who was divorced. I had been in a long-term relationship that felt almost like a marriage, so I would look like a hypocrite if I wasn’t open to the idea of dating someone in a similar position. Ironically enough, I only dated one divorced person, and I ended up marrying her. My wife’s divorce was never a problem in our relationship (except how long it took), but I was caught off guard about the insecurities it awoke in me.
I’m not a jealous person, but insecurity is definitely something that takes up a supreme amount of my brain space. Admittedly, I don’t think I’m all that great or special as a person, so it’s hard to see or understand why people care about me or want to be close to me, whether it’s friendship or romance. Surely there has to be someone funnier, smarter, prettier than me out there. Usually, I don’t make my insecurity the problem of other people. I keep it all swirling around in my own mind where it can’t bother anyone else.
When my wife and I met, she and her ex had been separated for almost a year. They started dating in college and had been together for almost 20 years. I found comfort in the fact that we had each only ever been in one serious relationship. Even though hers had been significantly longer than mine, it felt like we were on a more level playing field. Actually, I had been single longer, which kind of gave me an advantage over her in some ways. Our relationship that was only supposed to be casual escalated quickly, but it felt good.
It took a few months before the insecurities started slowly creeping in. My wife was so open about the insecurities she had about my past that I tried to do the same, but I hated the way I sounded, so I kept them from her and mainly unleashed them on my besties instead.
One of the things that was the hardest for me was how present her ex was. Even though they were no longer in contact, she still felt like she was looming over me. Whether it was the fact that we look similar or constant presence in my wife’s memories and photos, I started to feel like there was no way I was ever going to live up to this stranger. My ex and I may have shared a child together, but she and her ex shared a life.
Because they started dating when they were so young, her ex was quickly embraced and folded into the family. Over the years, she formed her own relationships with my wife’s family, and even after their separation, those bonds remained. I wasn’t jealous that she had relationships and I didn’t — our lives are at different places, and I have complicated feelings around family anyway. But every time I’d see on social media that her ex had spent time with her family, it hurt me pretty deeply. It’s still a sticky subject for us, and it’s hard for me to articulate what exactly about it hurts, but it does.
I know her ex and I are so vastly different that it feels weird to be insecure about our differences, but I am. I have a big personality, and I’m constantly worried that it’s off-putting. I’m loud, flashy, brash, combative, and can have a bit of a mean streak. My wife has never been anything other than wholly accepting of my personality — in fact, she says it’s one of the things she loves about me, which I find mindboggling. Every time I lose my temper, I immediately think to myself I bet she regrets being with such a loudmouth. If we argue, I fear she misses her less confrontational and combative ex.
After some soul searching, I’ve finally figured out what my biggest insecurity is: What if I’m bad at being a wife? I had been a girlfriend before, and it was something that I felt comfortable with and knew I was good at. But it’s different when you’re a wife. You have more responsibilities when you’re someone’s wife. Some things feel easy — I have no doubt in my mind that we’ll be together forever. But how do I show up for her the way she needs even when I’m feeling like I can’t? Can I learn how to be a little less big? Do I even want to? I’m a caretaker, and I take on a lot of our family’s emotional load, even when I can’t. What if it’s not enough? I’ve wanted to be a wife, her wife for so long, what if I totally suck at it? When I’m feeling particularly low or vulnerable because of other things in my life, these feelings come back, flying around my brain like a bunch of gnats that I just can’t seem to kill. Yes, I’ve talked to a therapist about this, before anyone makes that suggestion. I can’t help these thoughts.
There is one thing I know for sure though. The relationship I have with my wife is the best relationship I’ve ever had. We have so much love and respect for each other. When other insecurities flare up, I never feel insecure about the way she feels about me. As for the rest, I’m working on it.
