As Vanessa pointed out in her column Blush and Bashful, it feels like everyone around me is getting married. I cannot get on any social media platform without seeing an engagement, wedding, or baby. I would say “well, that’s how it is in your 30s!” but I’m only 28, so what’s the deal here? I absolutely loved Vanessa’s wedding writing because, unlike her, I’m one of those girls that’s always dreamed of having a wedding and currently have at least three Pinterest boards dedicated to that phase of my life (if that ever actually happens). However, I am not engaged, nor am I even close to being in a place to do that. So why am I here bringing you all more wedding content? Because I’m the not-so-rich queer not-auntie of all my (straight) friends’ weddings, which obviously makes me an expert on all things queer in a straight wedding world.
Unfortunately for me (and really for them), a lot of my ride-or-die pals are very straight. Because of this, I’ve been that one single, queer friend in the bridal party countless times. From moderating tea-filled bridal party chats to coordinating with moody parents to literally writing ceremony scripts, I’ve truly done it all. Part of it is that I’m naturally a very calm, even-tempered person who is great in high-stress situations, but I attribute a lot of my skills to simply being queer in heterosexual spaces. Instead of having a spouse and/or children to attend to (like all the other guests our age), I can give you my full attention in setting up the flowers, talking to the caterer, and steaming your dress. Instead of flying in just for the night because I have other traditional family duties, I can come a week in advance to help you make those DIY pinecone place settings. The best part is that I don’t have to spend any money on anyone else but myself and my friend getting married! What I’m really saying is that I’m the queer version of that lady from the film 27 Dresses and, therefore, have credentials in giving you advice on how to be queer in a straight wedding.
1. It’s about the bride.
Yeah, I know you read that and said “well, obviously,” but let me tell you, this rule becomes a lot more difficult when its 3 a.m. and the girls want to do another round of shots at the strip club and your bedtime is 10 p.m. and you also wanted to finish that book you’ve been reading.
2. Get on good terms with the parents.
We (the gays) are automatically programmed to navigate weird tension between parents, so why not put that to good use! You know that mom gets a little critical and judgy when she hasn’t had breakfast, so why not offer her some toast in the morning straight away?
3. Listen — and I mean truly listen — to the bride from the first day they get engaged.
Talk to the her one-on-one throughout the process about everything from her worries about the groom forgetting his vows to how the flowers should tilt. That way when things inevitably go haywire you won’t have to offer to help; you’ll just know what to do.
4. Call out the trolls in the group chat.
There’s always one.
5. Mediate between trolls in the group chat.
There’s always drama, and you’re usually the one having to moderate it.
6. Start a new group chat if you have to.
Without the bride. So you can execute numbers 4 and 5.
7. Bring that sex toy to the bachelorette party.
Because her straight friends in her early 20s certainly don’t know what your girl really needs. AND have no shame! I bought my BFF a vibtrating couples cock ring and brought it to her bacheloretty party. Sure, some of her other friends might’ve been scarred, but please, that ring is being used 10x more than whatever uncomfortable red lacey thing your straight friends got you.
8. Stay hydrated.
Someone tell me why this feels like a gay thing to say? You’ll need to have enough water for you and the bride throughout the weekend, because she won’t have her phones, keys, purse, or emotional support water bottle like we will.
9. Be the first person out on the dance floor.
You must sacrifice yourself to the awkwardness of starting the party. Then, 10 songs later when there’s a slow dance, strategically go to the bar so that her one friend from high school isn’t trying to set you up with a random dude at your table.
10. Keep your phone on you at all times.
For whatever reason, no one else will have their phones on them, so you’ll be the point person. Having your phone out for pictures is a great excuse to not be part of the bouquet throwing for anniversary dance: “oh, sorry the bride made it my job to take photos for her.”
11. Offer to bring food for everyone at all times throughout the day.
Everyone is always so hungry all the time at these traditional straight weddings. You are the queer! You like snacks! You know good sparkling water! So bring all of it for all the people who didn’t have the time to think through the collective needs of the group.
When the day is done and you feel a little sad about being the only queer, single person there, remember that you carried that whole wedding party on your back. You ARE the Disney faiytale magic making it happen. Cheers to all the emotionally gay rich aunties!
