With Halle Bailey’s Ariel singing her way into our hearts this last week, Disney Princesses are on my mind. There’s so many quizzes with these gals out there. Which Disney Princess are you? You already know that. Which Disney Princess is your girlfriend? You already know that too; you’re gay. But you know what I’ve been thinking: Literally every Disney Princesses would grow up to be an excellent therapist — because they have all been through some shit and they’d be able to help you see a way through. You know? Even if it involved Dark Magic. So that’s the quiz I made for you today!
Quiz: Which Grown-Up Disney Princess Is Your Therapist?
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Heather Hogan
Heather Hogan is an Autostraddle senior editor who lives in New York City with her wife, Stacy, and their cackle of rescued pets. She’s a member of the Television Critics Association, GALECA: The Society of LGBTQ Entertainment Critics, and a Rotten Tomatoes Tomatometer critic. You can also find her on Twitter and Instagram.
Heather Hogan has written 1718 articles for us.
Comments
These questions were incredible. Grateful for Heather Hogan this morning
Heather! These are Milkflower pizzas! As a fellow Astorian, I am kvelling!! Milkflower is the best! I’m *obsessed*
I got Elsa, which absolutely tracks.
RACHEL! You have made my day! I ran out of Milkflower choices there at the end and Googled “weird pizzas” and ended up with even more ideas to try! The Wu-Tang Clam is my all-time favorite pizza!
i clearly am in the wrong pizza universe
“You need help letting go, plain and simple. Nobody knows that feeling more than Elsa.”
Accurate. I am, as we speak, getting that help and doing the grunt work to make it so. I’d want to do it quickly if working with Elsa; I bet she charges top dollar!
I got Merida and hoo boy, do I feel seen / called out:
“Because Mommy Issues shouldn’t define your entire life! And because, you know, underneath that big smile, you’re actually pretty dang angry and you could use some help finding a constructive way to unleash that fire.”
i got her, too, but i think it’s because ‘none of the above’ is never an option. some of the answers are pretty big punts.
like, less angry smile (smangry?), more indifferent smile (smindifferent?)…
I loved your questions and answers to choose from!
also: where do i schedule my appointment with Tiana?
Belle: “Because absolutely, you want to talk it out! But also what if you talk about fictional characters instead, like maybe you’ve imprinted onto some queers you met in a TV show or book or movie — and actually it helps you to figure out your own constellations by looking at the way characters you love have navigated the stars. Who gets that better than a girl who grew up with a dreamy far-off look, and her nose stuck in a book?”
The pizza with the kale and pangrattato sounds so good.
Why do you have to call me out like this? I like living in my bubble of delusion!
Which puppy was the real Snufflepupagus? Or were they all Snufflepupagi? Greatest question I’ve ever been asked to answer, by the way
I picked the first puppy. What about you?
3rd to last…
would take the ‘which puppy…’ quiz which is just puppy questions with mostly pictures. absolutely, many times.
First pup for me, too.
First puppy for me too
Snufflepupagi! Yes, they are all Snufflepupagi. And also Very Good Puppies.
I got Mulan, and I honestly could not have described myself better. Maybe I’ll quit therapy and just take Heather’s quizzes instead.
“Gender? Kinda confusing! Sexuality? Also kinda complicated! You want help figuring out who you are without working with someone who’s going to box you in! Someone who embraces the fact that you actually kind of like being as mysterious as the dark side of the moon! (You just don’t want to be a mystery to yourself.)”
I got Ariel and, frankly, I’m traumatised on her behalf ?
“Two of the most important qualities in a therapist are: empathy and being a good listener. Who is more empathetic than someone who made a horny, impulsive decision in their youth that led them to leaving their cool family and marrying the most boring man in the world? And who better at learned listening than someone who had their whole voice snatched by a witch?”
Sweetheart, let me take you away from all this…
OK so maybe that witch’s curse is undone by those ultra snazzy WNBA players, they certainly bring a joy that’s hard to contain.
Elsa – I’m not a big disney princess person, but these questions were FANTASTIC. Love an offbeat question!
I got Merida, honestly fair. I loved these questions.
My therapist last session: “You’re very good and fast with solutions – it might be an idea though to stay a bit with and recognize your feelings.”
The quiz: “You need someone who gets that even if you look and sound extremely put together, there’s a storm going on underneath your fashionable fits and dazzling smile. You need someone to call you on your bullshit and get to the heart of what’s going on.”
Damn! That’s some Heather Hogan quiz magic right there.
I got Belle!
“…it helps you to figure out your own constellations by looking at the way characters you love have navigated the stars”
so true, and actually poetic, I’m here for it
Thank you for this cute Monday moment starting my week, Heather! I got Jasmine and the sentence “You need someone to call you on your bullshit and get to the heart of what’s going on” is eerily accurate to reality.