Escape a Bad Date and We’ll Tell You Which LaCroix You Are

the Bubble Trouble header looks like a Surge can, with a green background and red burst and the words AUTOSTRADDLE BUBBLE TROUBLE written in the red burst — Bubble Trouble // Header by Viv Le

Bad dates are unfortunately part and parcel of the entire dating experience. For every good date, there are at least three bad dates. I made that ratio up, but it feels right. Usually, what qualifies as a bad date varies from person to person, but I think that the bad date I’ve described below is universally bad! To make it worse, imagine that it’s a first date!! Good luck trying to escape, especially if you’re a Sag (commitment issues) <3 (Sorry to the fire signs in the room, there is some fire sign hate in this piece but just so everyone knows I am a Sag sun and Aries rising so I am allowed to make fun of fire signs!!)

If you make it through, I’ll tell you which LaCroix flavor you are!!

You’re on time, but your date is late! What do you do?(Required)

Nothing! It’s a miracle you were on time today so it’s no big deal.

Ask to be seated anyway. You’re hungry!

Send a quick text asking if you’re still on.

Send a passive aggressive text asking if they value your time.

Check their Instagram story to see what they were up to earlier.

Clear your search history. They don’t need to know you were up late Googling them.

Run to the bathroom to make sure your lipstick hasn’t smudged. (It hasn’t.)

Pull out your pocket Kindle and go back to reading a steamy rom-com.

Your date still isn’t here! You decide to order a drink at the bar. What are you drinking?(Required)

You tell the bartender, “Surprise me!”

A gin martini. It’s not as good as the one you make yourself, but it’ll do.

A glass of the house red wine.

Whiskey, neat.

A dirty Shirley.

A mezcal margarita.

Water or seltzer.

A lager.

Your date finally shows up, a full 20 minutes late! They say that their ex came over to “process the breakup” and they “couldn’t just leave.” What do you say?(Required)

“Oof, that sounds hard. Are you okay?”

“Been there. Next time, can you text me?”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here now.”

“No apology? Unlikely that you’ll get a second date.”

“Must have been hard to process in an ice cream parlor…”

“Rowen or Marta?”

“Yikes.. Was your ex hot?”

“I mean… you could’ve just said that you have a date.”

The server comes over to take your orders, and your date tries to order pasta FOR YOU without asking if 1) that’s okay and 2) if that’s even what you wanted !!!!! What do you do?(Required)

You did kind of want pasta, so you don’t say anything but it is a little weird.

Interrupt them before they finish. How dare they!!

One up them and tell the server that YOU will actually be ordering… for BOTH OF YOU.

Tell the server you’re allergic to eggs and order the fish instead.

Nothing immediately, but when the server leaves, ask why your date did that!!

Ask if your date secretly wanted pasta instead of their own thing all along.

Pitch a Lady and the Tramp spaghetti situation.

Tell your date you ordered already. They were late!

A highlight of the date: The server sets down a complimentary bread basket. What’s in it?(Required)

Focaccia.

Pull-apart dinner rolls.

Crunchy breadsticks.

Soft breadsticks.

Ciabatta.

A demi baguette.

Cornbread.

Brioche.

Your date starts to tell you about their essential oil MLM. You realize that it’s been a full three minutes since you said something but also you’ve been zoning out so you can’t really interrupt with something related to the conversation. What do you do or say?(Required)

“Huh. I never thought of it that way.”

“Do you plan on asking me any questions?”

“This is great, but what are your signs?”

Go to the bathroom, but spend the entire time scrolling TikTok in a stall.

Fake a roommate emergency, and leave the restaurant briefly to “call them”.

Ask if you can try one of the oils they carry around in their bag.

Sneak into the kitchen and ask the prep cooks if they have any fun gossip.

Check your notifications to see if anything anywhere is more interesting than this.

Pick a trait for your date that you wouldn’t personally be into.(Required)

Their chart is rife with fire signs.

They describe TikToks as though they’re news articles they read.

They call every hot femme “Mommi”

They like The Office???

They think rom-coms are lowbrow fluff! (I hate this date already)

They peel their fingernails… at the table?

They text while you talk to them.

Their favorite emojis is 🥺

Your date’s ex from earlier – yes, the one they “processed” with – just showed up at the restaurant and it’s a total surprise to your date! They ask if they can join, but (and they look directly at you when they say this) only if they’re not third wheeling. How do you respond?(Required)

“Sure, no problem! The more the merrier.”

“Uh… yeah, okay.”

“I’d strongly prefer you didn’t, but also… you’re already here.”

“How did you even know where we’d be?”

“I think this table only fits two, sorry.”

You look to your dining partner to respond.

“Do you… just want my seat?”

“Oh, you already pulled up a chair… okay…”

You find out that your date and their ex did a joint Halloween costume last week, even though they broke up three months ago. Which iconic gay couple were they for Halloween?(Required)

Jojo Siwa and Avery Cyrus

Shane and Carmen (The L Word)

Carson and Greta (A League of Their Own)

Noted (former) besties Taylor Swift and Karlie Kloss

Anne Lister and Ann Walker

Bob and The Turkey (Bob’s Burgers)

Max and Esther (A League of Their Own)

Emily Dickinson and Sue Gilbert

Your date invites you to tag along on their group ayahuasca trip in Joshua Tree! The ex chimes in that it’s always a good time, and that she’s looking forward to it herself. What do you do?(Required)

Check your phone. Is this date over yet? It has to be. Where’s the check?

Ask if your date and the ex plan on sharing a room.

Say that you’ve always wanted to do ayahuasca, and that you’re in.

Offer to drive to the Airbnb. How bad could it be?

Ask if the Airbnb has wifi.

Say that you went to Joshua Tree with your ex, but that it was such a bad time you refuse to go back.

Politely decline but wish them well on their journey.

“That sounds terrible. No, definitely not.”

Uh-oh. The check’s here, but your date left your wallet behind… and so did their ex? What do you do?(Required)

Sigh and pick up the check for the three of you.

Ask if they have Venmo.

Suggest one of them runs home to grab their wallet.

Happily pick up the check. Being a sugar parent is your dream!

Pay for your part of the meal and then leave. They’ll figure it out, they’re adults.

Lie and say you also don’t have yours. Now what?

Unfortunately, you also forgot yours. Maybe the restaurant takes Apple Pay?

Expense the whole thing! Someone else will pay for it.

Your date says this was a great date, and they lean in for a kiss goodbye. What do you do?(Required)

Shift slightly so it becomes a peck on the cheek.

Kiss back, with tongue. You’re horny for kisses!

Turn around and walk away. No kisses for either of you today.

Politely turn them down, but ask the ex if they’re free next weekend.

Say you’re getting over a cold, and it’s probably best to not kiss.

Lean in as though you plan to kiss them back, but then jerk out of the way right before your lips touch. Ha!

Give them a little pat on the shoulder and say you’d rather just be friends.

Ask if they want to come grocery shopping with you after this! I guess you want more?

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

Bubble Trouble is a series helmed by Autostraddle Managing Editor Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya about the nostalgia, effervescence, and never-ending appeal of carbonated beverages.