Welcome to the 58th edition of Into the A+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from A+ members who submitted their queries into our A+ ask box! Here, we answer your questions in a space just for A+ members, safe from the general public. (No guarantees regarding your ex, however.) Here, the Autostraddle team’s doling out advice on everything from sex and relationships, to friend and family dynamics, career questions, style, and more! We’re doing this column TWICE a month, now.
Every SECOND A+ Advice box of the month is themed, like this one! Next month’s theme is simply: SEX. Send us your sex questions! Have you been keeping something to yourself? No more! We want to answer any question you have for us about SEX! Get those in by Monday, May 9.
The general Into the A+ Advice Box, where we take questions on practically any topic, publishes on the first Friday of each month, and you can send questions on any topic, at any time.
So, now, let’s dig in!!
Q1:
This is for the finance advice box! So, I love browsing property listings on Zillow, but I’m wondering how to know if/when to make the leap and become a homeowner. I’m very privileged to have inherited some money from my grandmother, which she wants me to put towards a down payment. But in my city, it isn’t enough money to cover 20% down, which means I would need PMI. I’ve lived with roommates for my entire adult life, which has made life here more affordable… but I’m starting to crave more privacy. But whether I rent or buy a one-bedroom, it would still cost more per month than what I currently pay to rent. I’ve also weighed the option of buying a two-bedroom apartment and finding a roommate to help with the monthly payments… but this would make me a LANDLORD (gross). I guess I’m asking whether you have ideas on how to approach these decisions: do I want to save money by living with roommates or do I want privacy? Does it make sense to buy without 20% down or should I wait and save more first? Is it ethical to rent to a roommate who would be helping me pay off a mortgage? I find that I crave stability and would love to have a living space that I can transform into a grounding and creative environment… but I’m also afraid of taking a financial leap that turns out to be unsustainable.
A:
Abeni: I don’t know what a PMI is, so I’m probably not the best one to answer this question, but I do have some thoughts about some of your questions, as I’m in a similar boat!
First, I moved to a one-bedroom apartment for the first time last year (I am 34), and it was life-changing. I had never lived alone before; even as a kid my brother was my roommate. I pay double what I used to be paying when I had roommates, and I have a lot of trouble saving money now. But was it worth it? It’s hard to think about the over $10 thousand (!) I’ve spent over the last fourteen months on the privacy of living alone, but I’m leaning toward it being worth it.
Second, there’s nothing wrong with being a landlord in theory, especially if you also live on the premises. The problem with landlords is that they extract wealth from other people’s labor. If you’re not renting out shelter so that you can profit off of their need for that shelter, then you’re not doing anything unethical. In fact, you might be using your relative privilege to help someone else get shelter who might otherwise not be able to afford a safe space to sleep. You can choose to rent to a queer/trans person, you can choose to rent at a below market rate, etc. If you do go this route, just charge them a reasonable amount of rent (consider that in this living situation you have more power, stability, security, and probably the better bedroom, when thinking about how much to charge them).
Finally, buying property is one of the only investments that rarely loses value. I personally feel like the world is about to end and all investments will fail and Civil War 2.0 is coming, but if you aren’t an alarmist then buying property is probably a good idea if you can afford it. Even when the market crashes, property rarely loses value below what was originally paid for it (unless the crash happens right after you buy it). If I had the savings for a down payment, I’d be looking for a house to buy right now because I really want a yard to grow veggies and to have the quiet of not living in a dense area on a busy street and to “nest” and “settle” like you. But I don’t.
I’m not a financial advisor, but these are some of my thoughts! Good luck!
Nicole: Okay, so, PMI first. I bought a (relatively cheap, very much in need of reno) house in 2019 with very little money down (like 3% lol) and got PMI on my mortgage which added about $30 a month to my payment. PMI is mortgage insurance, for those who don’t know, where essentially, you’re punished for not having enough money to put down by having to pay for the insurance for the mortgage lender that protects them if you stop making payments. It sucked but also was a choice I made because the mortgage works out to less than the going rent for similar space in my area, even with the PMI. I basically used buying a house as DIY rent control. (Which made sense at the time before housing prices started to climb). Now, you’re in a bit of a different situation, so I don’t know how much PMI you would ultimately pay, but if you know your budget, and the money you have to put down, you can get an idea using an online calculator like this one. It’s also my understanding that PMI also drops off once you have 20% equity built up, so if you’re close, you might not have to pay it for very, very long. So, I’m not a financial advisor, but the way I see it, I think you should just look at what the PMI + total estimate for mortgage and insurance and tax would be that you’re paying, and see how that number works for you and go from there.
Landlording! I agree with Abeni that there is something different about renting space in a place where you live, so long as you aren’t exploitative about it. You can rent a room affordably/below market rate to another queer person who might appreciate a safe space to live, for example. I’ve also heard of people who had long-term tenants in their homes who then sent them a check for the part of the equity they helped build while they were there when they sold the house / apartment. So, if you wind up renting to someone for a while, that’s a cool ethical workaround that I’ve seen!
As for saving money vs privacy and all else that comes with having a little more space, that’s so hard and personal! Abeni’s advice above is a really great example of how, sometimes, making a decision about the money alone isn’t going to be as helpful for your wellbeing as a decision that looks at the situation holistically. I’d suggest making a list of all the reasons you want to move / buy a place. My factors were: wanting to leave my homophobic roommate situation, the apartment I was renting was not in a great location and also my room was tiny (my girlfriend called it my monk’s quarters) but I could never switch rooms or I’d risk never getting anyone else to move in, I wanted a yard for Mya the dog, my girlfriend’s affordable living situation (where she rented someone’s attic for less-than-market-rate) was coming to an end as they were selling the house so she needed a place to live and we wanted to move in together, and it was cheaper than renting somewhere else. You also have a list of reasons, cost being just one of those, but it’s not the only factor — privacy, mental health, stability and not having to move all the time (as can happen with renting), are also factors!
As far as making sure this is sustainable, while I’m not a financial advisor, my main advice in terms of cost is just to make sure that you can afford whatever your payment is going to be, even in harder months, like the leanest months you can imagine. Some questions to ask: Does your income fluctuate? Is it stable? Do you have a job in a field where you could easily get a job at a similar income if you lost yours for any reason? If not, what would you do and how much would you earn? Does your income tend to increase every few years because of your career trajectory or will you be more or less making the same amount for the forseeable future? Would you be more okay with a fixer-upper apartment that needed some reno? Are you set on living in certain areas or are you flexible about where you live in your city? How much space do you realistically want to yourself, what about if you have a roommate? What do you absolutely need, what do you not need but want in a space, and where are you willing to compromise? Finally, if you think you’re ready to look, I recommend asking around about a real estate agent who specializes in first-time buyers. My agent does a lot of work in our community in the first-time home-buyer space and she was really gracious about working within my small budget. It was definitely worth it to find someone who came recommended by other people I knew. You also might need to spend some time looking and might not find something right away and that’s okay. And if you decide to stay in your situation for a few years and to save money, there’s no shame in that and no sense in rushing into a financial commitment that would stress you out. Thank you for writing in and wishing you so much luck!
Q2:
This is about money! As someone who grew up in a very poor family I’m sensitive about money and generally have difficulty spending it on anything that isn’t an absolute necessity. I feel uneasy when people pay for me because I feel like I then owe them to reciprocate but never know how/when to do it and generally feel awkward when I do. In my ideal world, people would split their bill, especially on first/second dates. I never know should I pay for them? I don’t want to seem cheap (especially because I now have the privilege of a stable income) but I always feel so panicky seeing my monthly credit card bill (even if theoretically it wouldn’t ruin me). How does one manage their financial anxiety without being rude/cheap/uptight?
A:
Ro: I wonder if you’d feel less anxious about spending if you were to create a monthly budget that makes room for some frivolous expenses. This has been helpful for me. I spent my early twenties barely scraping by, and I’ve had trouble adjusting to the idea that now I might, in fact, be able to order a pizza without risking my ability to pay rent. I know some folks who even give themselves a monthly “allowance” in a separate bank account with its own debit card — that way, you know you always have a certain amount of money to spend on things like going out to eat AND you stick to a monthly limit that works for your income, your bills and your saving goals. You can dip into your monthly allowance on occasions when you’d like to cover someone else’s meal/drink/movie ticket/whatever, BUT you don’t have to pay for anyone else. The social expectation that we’re supposed to pay for other people can be really harmful, and it’s totally ok to be honest with your friends and dates about the way you handle your finances. I think it’s fair to say something like, “I’m on a tight budget right now, so I’ll need us to split the bill.” I also hope you’ll go easy on yourself about your financial anxiety. Money is a tough and taboo subject, and our early experiences with money can be really traumatizing. It will probably take some time (and maybe some therapy) for your nervous system to recognize your stable income, but if you put in the effort to investigate your money-related feelings and gain some financial literacy, you’ll get there.
Q3:
So, my girlfriend and I moved in together six months ago and it’s really really great! I don;t want you to think we aren’t having conversations around this, but I make more money than her (like double) and she works part-time and we have our reasons for this, but how do you…make sure that no one feels taken advantage of or under-appreciated? Like, I appreciate her work around the apartment and all the labor she does, and I don’t want her to think I don’t, but sometimes I feel like she doesn’t think I do. Then, I work a lot more for my job, where, yes, I also get to be social, but sometimes she acts like I’m just away having fun all day…when I’m working! I don’t get as many breaks during the day as she does! I guess I’m trying to ask how do we have conversations about balancing a dynamic that isn’t naturally balanced and making sure everyone feels appreciated and that everyone is getting a similar amount of rest? Thank you Autostraddle!!!
A:
Amari: My partner and I are currently dealing with a similar situation! So far, I’ve found that the most important thing in navigating this is simply being very clear and honest in our communication. Don’t overthink it, just be loving and be true to yourself, your feelings, and the situation. For example, in the case of your worry about your girlfriend feeling underappreciated, make sure you tell your girlfriend that you see her and appreciate her, as well as all the work she does! Casual but consistent compliments are so lovely and encouraging! Next time you’re having a conversation and you feel your girlfriend is being dismissive of your share of the work, respectfully voice how it makes you feel! I am sure she’ll be understanding, and these moments will serve as a means for both of you to find balance as you learn about each other and your boundaries. In addition, make an effort to have check-ins where you ask each other how you feel and hold space to share about areas where you each need additional support and/or care. It is also so important to address these things as they come up so that you don’t let things build into a pile of resentment. The best part about working on clear communication in regard to sharing workload is that those tools are super helpful in every other area of the relationship!
And when all the work for the day/week is over and out of the way, make sure you engage in care practices, both individually and together. On the one hand, carving self-care time to check in with yourself allows you to show up as a more regulated and healthy partner. And on the other hand, engaging in care practices with your partner further works to build that foundation of love, care, and honesty with each other.
I hope that helps!
Ro: I love Amari’s advice about communication!
When you’re living with a partner, regardless of any differences in income, it can be really helpful to create a plan for how you’ll manage household tasks. And household tasks don’t necessarily have to be divided evenly! They can be divided based on who has more time. They can be divided based on convenience (if one of you consistently passes by the grocery store on the way home from work, maybe that person should be in charge of picking up groceries), based on likes and dislikes (if you love doing laundry, be the laundry person!) or based on who has more time on certain days. If you both know what your individual responsibilities are and stick to them, your dynamic might feel a little more balanced, and you’ll be less likely to resent each other down the line.
Q4:
For the money theme: any tips or “what I wish I knew when I started” things for romantic relationships where there’s a large difference in income? Particularly for the new and newly-established phases of relationships. I work in tech and make a lot more money than most people I’m likely to date, and haven’t started any new relationships since starting this career (used to have an underpaid nonprofit job). Just want to know what conversations to have, things to be aware of, etc.
A:
Nicole: LOL well I’m not in tech at all and spent my dating life as an underpaid nonprofit worker, so am maybe not the best person to answer, but I am so glad you have this perspective! I think that’s actually super helpful because sometimes I think that folks with higher incomes don’t actually materially or viscerally understand what it’s like to live on a lower income, but you have that, so that’s good. I think the most important thing, when dating or in the early stages of romantic relationships is just to start the conversation around affordability early. If you’re suggesting places to go grab food, for example, it might be helpful to give your date a couple options (all of which you’re okay with) and to let them know how affordable each place is and let them chime in. I also think reading the room is helpful. If you know your date is an underpaid nonprofit worker, for example, then you can suggest cheaper activities. I personally love super low-cost dates like grabbing a coffee and going to the park, for example. Other dates: you can cook dinner and invite them over or to meet you outdoors somewhere, go for a hike, or both attend a free art situation in your area — no idea what your jam is, but tailor accordingly! As for if/when things get more involved — continued communication is so important. I think we’ve all heard horror stories about the more privileged partner insisting their date pay exactly half for everything, but also insisting on really expensive vacations, for example. That is not good communication or a good practice! I’m sure you won’t do things like that, but, without knowing the preferences or situation of your date, it’s hard to give specific advice besides the fact that both your comfort and theirs is important when discussing money stuff. How much money you all spend together, how you split things and handle shared expenses, what you or your date may want to opt out of, are all negotiable. These are all conversations you can have, and that you probably should have, even if it’s awkward. Just think of how good it will feel if you both are super clear with each other on where you’re at even if you had to talk about money for a little bit to get there. For example, your date might be okay with you treating them — or it might make them deeply uncomfortable. Everybody’s different, they might not tell you if they’re uncomfortable unless you open up the conversation, so you might not know unless you ask. I think that it’s rewarding to be real with folks about money stuff and often people are grateful if you broach the subject for them, I’ve found. Good luck! For advice on what to do if you’ve moved in together, see above! Good luck out there!
Q5:
For those of you that buy/own cookbooks, what do you see as the benefit of owning a cookbook vs. just looking up recipes online? I almost always google for recipes, but I’m starting to wonder if I’m missing out by not having actual cookbooks at my fingertips. Any and all thoughts/opinions/cookbooks/food blogs appreciated! 😋
A:
Yash: The Cookbook Buyer has logged on — I can’t help it, I love cookbooks as objects that make food feel beautiful to me! Because they’re expensive (and they take up so much space!) I always recommend waiting until you find a writer whose recipes you reliably like, so the discovery factor of “let’s try other recipes from this book” comes with some security around how you’ll actually enjoy it. I also will say, as someone who often cooks from internet recipes phone-in-hand, cookbooks are more resilient. Printed-out paper recipes can be unwieldy to file (and second pages vanish so you’re left wondering what steps remained), they get battered, and… well, some of us have also found our phones on the business end of recipe prep. (I dropped my phone in split pea soup one time and got humbled at the Genius Bar.) Cookbooks are sturdy, they help you find the food you’ll love and the food you’ll love next, and they’re beautiful enough to make basic sustenance feel luxurious, which I believe we all deserve. My favorites include Midnight Chicken (if you buy one cookbook, let it be this one — Ella’s prose is beautiful, her story is profoundly touching, and her food is simple but delicious), What To Cook And How To Cook It, Budget Bytes, Cook As You Are, and my ride-or-die Indian Instant Pot Cookbook, which has been great for reassuring my Indian relatives that there’s curry on tap and hope for their wayward grandchild yet.
Abeni: I personally buy books primarily for their aesthetic value, and secondarily because I want to support the author. I do prefer reading a physical book, but I can get virtually any ebook or audiobook for free online if I want. So I buy them because I like having that particular physical object in my home.
I feel like this could apply to cookbooks – I have a couple, but I’ve literally never used a single one for a recipe. But I like seeing them on my fridge. That being said, something I really want to try is working my way through a cookbook. My mom bought me a really nice one last year, and I want to do something like, try one recipe from it each week.
The other big appeal to me of physical books is writing in them. I am not precious about books – I buy them because they are mine, and personal, and I want to dog-ear pages and write in the margins and make them my own. I can imagine that’s especially the case for cookbooks – what did you substitute? How might you cook it differently next time based on how it tasted? Write that in the margins. Then the cookbook isn’t just a cookbook, it’s a living document of your culinary adventures! It could even be something passed down to a future generation. That sounds kind of cool.
Nicole: I have some dietary restrictions and so because of that really enjoy having cookbooks that have recipes that are specific to my dietary needs. And while you can also find many recipes online, one factor with cookbooks that I really enjoy is that, in theory, they’re tested! Whereas, with blog recipes, the level of rigor is a bit more suspect. You can also read reviews before purchasing a cookbook to see if that testing has proven accurate, and if when reviewers tried the recipes, they enjoyed their results. For vegetarians or veggie enthusiasts, this cookbook that was on display at like every book store years ago is actually really good. Some recipes are easy, some take forever, but everything I’ve tried is super delicious. My favorite recipe in there mostly calls for plum tomatoes and carrots and potatoes, so also, they can be pretty affordable (although some of these recipes have harder-to-find / more costly ingredients). As for using cookbooks to actually save money, I’ve found them pretty helpful in this regard. If I have leftovers of an ingredient, I’ll try looking it up in the index to see what I can make with it. Or, if, with my garden, I’m expecting some things to come in, I can use the cookbook’s index to look up recipes that call for those plants. For example, I know that in late May I’ll be harvesting some of the wild grape leaves in my yard, and I already have at least one recipe lined up for them. So now, this can be added to my meal plan for the month. Neat! My girlfriend and I also use cookbooks during our meal planning / grocery list building process. We page through them and compare recipes we’d like to try and see what may share ingredients or use up things we already have. You can also do this online, but it’s nice to do some things away from screens once in a while. That being said, my favorite cookie recipe is from the internet, so, you know, cookbooks don’t have to be the end all be all — at all. It’s really also a personal preference!
Q6:
For the money advice box: Do you have any favorite books, exercises, readings, resources that have helped you figure out what to do “next” for your job? I’m not in a financial position where I can stop working entirely (though that’s what I wish I could do!) and my current job/career path that I’ve been on for the last 7-10 years or so has left me feeling accomplished in some ways but overall burnt out and ready to move into another kind of work that is less demanding on my time and mental energy. (Currently I work in nonprofit fundraising which has been let’s just say TAXING these last many pandemmi years). Any general advice on how to figure out what’s “next” when you’re looking for a change in jobs, and/or how to make money without working so much (??) Am I just describing an MLM scheme? 🧐
A:
Anya: I love this question! First of all, I think it’s powerful and admirable that you’re able to recognize that you’re ready to move on to something new, especially after working in an industry for nearly a decade. That’s so hard to do! So you’ve already taken the first very important step — acknowledging that it’s time for something different. So let’s make it happen!
Second of all, I completely understand being in a position where it’s not feasible to stop working and then look for a new job — each time I’ve gotten a new job, I’ve had the same thing (and I think a lot of people have that). Which makes it so hard, because now you have your current job, and your added job of finding a new job! So I want to just affirm that this is challenging, time-consuming, draining, all these things but ultimately, in my opinion — worth it. Because you’re creating the best life for yourself, and what could be more with it than that?!
Third of all, I don’t have any books or readings to recommend, but I do have an exercise that will perhaps be helpful (I hope!). It sounds like you know you want something different, but you’re not entirely sure what that means you DO want. And then it’s like, how can I strive for something better, when I don’t even know what that better is!? So here’s what I did, when I was in a similar position:
I wrote down a list of all the things about my current job that frustrated me. I mean, ALL of them. It was a lot! Then I took out a new page, and wrote down all the things I wanted in a new job. Some of them might feel obvious (more money for less work, lol), and maybe impossible, but I say write them down anyway. And I think it’s important to think about the ones that aren’t necessarily obvious – for example, do you want a job where each day is similar, because you find power and joy in routine? Or does that really not feel like your thing, and you want a job where everyday is different? (Obviously there’s no right answer!!!) Do you want a job where you work mostly independently, or mostly collaboratively? Indoors, outdoors?
So now you have a list of all the qualities your mysterious dream job has. Then I read over my list, and tried to think of something that might include many, if not all, of those qualities. It might be a job you’ve never considered for yourself, and have no experience in, but hey, maybe that’s what you’re looking for, deep down! Or maybe it’s something you wanted 10 years ago, but went in a different direction for any number of reasons, and now it’s time to revisit.
Sometimes when I don’t know what I want, I think of it as an uncovering process, rather than a decision process. I think that generally, when I feel confused, some part of me isn’t confused at all. Some part knows exactly what I want. I just have to get that part to talk to me. And maybe this will help you with that, if this resonates with you.
One last thing — on the age old “how to make more money while doing less thing”. My personal theory on this is that many people don’t necessarily want to do less; they just want to do less things they dislike. Less things that are annoying. So my simple-but-also-very-difficult solution is think of the things you like doing, and find a job that allows you to do those things. Painting a wall is tedious for some people; they’d be unhappy being a full-time wall-painter. But for others, painting a wall is exciting and fulfilling; they might love being a full-time wall-painter! So I say set yourself up for success by not imagining there’s some mysterious job out there where you get to do nothing and become a millionaire; there probably isn’t. But there probably is some job out there where at the very least, you can spend the majority of your time feeling like you’re doing something that does not actively annoy you.
Good luck!! You can do it!!
Q7:
My dad (retired oil, so there’s money here) is offering to donate to a charity or charities of my choice if I shave my legs (he has to as well, cause that is a pain!) and while I don’t want to, it’s not integral to my identity, so my question is: besides you guys, what are the absolute gayest possible things to support? Let anti-gnc oil dollars support the LGBTQs!
A:
Abeni: Autostraddle’s not a 501(c)(3), but I wonder if you could get a bunch of those dollars into the A+ membership pool, which would essentially be a donation, sort of, to a bunch of queers who want to support AS but can’t?
Otherwise here’s a list of a bunch of mutual aid funds you could support?
Nicole: Okay okay this is not the question but I have to say: we’d love it if your dad wanted to donate to us. 26% of our budget last year was covered by donations alone. And while we’re fine for a couple months (thank you members!), we definitely don’t have all the money we need to make it through the year. To follow up with Abeni’s suggestion, for technology reasons, the membership pool donations can only go in $30 at a time (believe me, I asked if we can do it another way and it’s much more complicated, apparently), if anyone ever wanted to discuss making a larger gift to AS, you can always email me (nicole@autostraddle.com) to work out details. THAT being said, you asked for places besides Autostraddle! I’m not being specific on purpose with that because I think that some of the most impactful places to give to might be to the people and organizations working in supporting queer and trans people where you live, so I’d encourage you to look for the people doing the on-the-ground, community-led work. A windfall of a donation could make a huge difference for a grassroots organization doing critical work like working in housing or other support for local folks. Besides looking locally, because maybe you live in an area where LGBTQ youth have a ton of support and there isn’t dangerous legislation, I recommend checking out the Zebra Coalition, which is a network of organizations supporting LGBTQ youth, based in Orlando, Florida (or maybe you live in Florida!). And also, you can look at the mutual aid funds Abeni linked above!
Q8:
I am exhausted! I am SO EXHAUSTED! I could lay down for the next kamillion years. But I have to labor endlessly under capitalism to pay my rent and my student loans and so my cats can enjoy a life of leisure (I do love them). Do you have any tips for coping with burnout when you don’t have a financial safety net and you have to keep working until the end of time?
A:
Yash: Oh buddy, I’m right there with you. I deeply, deeply relate, everything feels so much, and I’m sorry you’re feeling crunched! One thing that has helped take the pressure off for me is revisiting my budget — I’ve been following the guidance of Jess from the LA Times in her hugely popular newsletter Totally Worth It and it’s been really encouraging for those of us trying to take manageable baby steps towards financial stability despite the garbage chaos of ThEsE tImEs We LiVe In~. I also recommend learning more about work and burnout — Laziness Does Not Exist, Work Won’t Love You Back, Out of Office, and Supernormal are all some books I’ve enjoyed that helped me look at work, achievement, success, and wellbeing differently as I learn new strategies for keeping my goofy ass afloat. (I know you said you’re feeling Big Tired, so if reading feels like a lot, lemme shout out the audiobook versions here; I’ve been listening to them while I shop for groceries and while I get ready in the morning and they’ve been a positive part of my routine lately!). These things have made me feel a little bit more in control and a lot less alone, and while they don’t solve capitalism at least they’ve helped reduce my overwhelm.
Ro: I can also relate! Yash has offered excellent advice. Here’s a small (and kinda silly, but stick with me) tip for how to maintain your mental health while you’re working towards a place of calm and financial stability:
Sometimes I feel like all I do is work and take care of other people. When that starts happening, I check in with myself and make sure I’m carving out tiny moments that are fully devoted to pleasure and joy — and I mean TINY moments — because I, along with many others, often don’t have the time or means to take a vacation or go to a yoga class or single-handedly overthrow capitalism. Here are some tiny moments you can claim that might make you feel more like a living, breathing human being:
-start your day by dancing to a two-minute pop song
-eat your favorite snack without distractions and actually pay attention to how it tastes
-watch a funny animal video (or a funny baby video — whatever brings you joy)
-light a scented candle or turn on an oil diffuser if you work from home and take a moment to fully experience and appreciate the fragrance — it sounds simple, but bringing nice smells into my work environment has been a game-changer for my mental health.
-send a thoughtful text to a friend, a family member or a coworker who is also burnt the hell out
Amari: Just wanted to jump in here and say that I also relate a whole lot, and I’m sending you lots of restful energy and care!
I know this is going to sound very counter-intuitive, but in the midst of capitalism-induced burnout and my extremely toxic job, I try to ensure that I carve out time to engage in action that works to better society/deconstruct capitalism itself. I can hear people reading that and going “Uhhh… what? I’m already tired, why tf would I want to do more work?” But I have found that consistently engaging in work alongside my community that actively tries to improve these capitalist conditions is so energizing and motivating. It really helps me cope! It is a reminder that you’re not alone in it all and that maybe one day we will not have to feel the burnout or constantly worry about and struggle for our survival anymore. For example, Farm2Power has been my light in the darkness. F2P is a mutual aid group based in Los Angeles that a group of friends and I co-founded back in 2020 in response to the inequalities exacerbated by the pandemic. We provide free produce boxes sourced from a local BIPOC-owned, women-led small farm (shout out South Central Farmers’ Cooperative!)—all funded through community funded mutual aid! Since then, it’s grown into a collective of amazing folks of all backgrounds, from all across the country who all have such deep love and care for people and the planet. Being able to come home from a shitty day of work and know that at least once a week I have a meeting with Farm2Power, during which we’ll do meaningful work that will help make others’ lives a little less hard, really keeps me going in the midst of capitalist doom.
Nicole: I’m here to say I LOVE Amari’s answer. Sometimes, rest in the sense of like lying down and not doing anything is not going to be restorative. I think it’s important that we don’t confuse taking care of ourselves with checking out — because challenging ourselves to care for each other, asking ourselves to face the difficulties in the world we live in, and engaging in doing what we can to improve our community’s circumstances are all so, so important. And also, like Amari said, it can help you cope with a world where so many tragic things are out of our control if you can do just a little bit to help, and if you can unfocus from your exhaustion for a little bit.
Q9:
Hi, Maybe this fits the money advice box.Have any of you taken time to intentionally think about what you want your life to look like (career arc, relationship, kids, side hustles, community, activism, money priorities, art, all of it)?? How did you create space to think about this? Is there like a useful guided workbook? Did you go into the woods and emerge with goals? Any tips? I love my life but I want to take stock and be more intentional. Time is so finite. Advice appreciated!!
A:
Ro: At the start of each year, I make a list of things that are serving me and a list of things that are not serving me (the “things” can be jobs, habits, friendships, relationships, etc.). I set a goal to welcome more of the things that are serving me into my life and let go of at least some of the things that are not. I revisit these lists often. Sometimes the lists lead to tiny changes (like the year I realized coffee was making me anxious, so I took a caffeine break for six months; or the year I realized I wanted to sing more, so I started going to karaoke by myself), and sometimes they lead to Big Life-Changing Decisions (like the year I decided to quit the acting career I’d been pursuing for nearly my entire life and commit myself to writing instead). I’m excited to read other ideas from Autostraddle writers and readers, but for now, this list exercise might be a great place for you to start!
Nicole: I feel you! I am constantly asking myself how something I’m doing fits into the larger picture of how I want to live my life. Is what I’m doing something that’s helping me to achieve something I actually value, is it something I have to be doing, or is it something that is filling a space that could be better filled with something else? Am I just doing something because I’m tired? I feel like my partner and I are constantly negotiating how we balance our lives because we both have creative practices outside work, we both volunteer, we both want to be able to spend time with each other and friends, then there are the obligatory things you need to do to live and we are always, constantly, struggling to balance. I think my best advice is to not try to balance day by day, but to look at your time in larger chunks, overall. What does a month look like for you, for example. If you want to volunteer, or if you want to read more, just as two examples, then it’s okay to think in terms of, how many days are you setting aside to make that a focus. Even if you can set aside a day for volunteering each month, maybe that’s way more than you’ve been able to do previously, so it’s an overall improvement. Does that make sense? And then, especially, reflect on how your month went and see how you want to allocate your time in the next month. Maybe my perspective is just that of someone who knows exactly how I would ideally be spending my time if I were in complete control of it, and so all of my planning just centers around getting as close to possible to that ideal, but I don’t think you need a ton, ton of reflection time to do that. You can just spend an hour here or there with a journal and a calendar. You don’t have to have it all figured out at once, instead, you can approach this a journey toward figuring it out, where you’ll likely adjust forever and ever — but that’s also okay!
