31 Thoughts I Had While Battling a UTI

1. Wow I really have to pee? That’s weird, I haven’t had that much water toda- uh oh
2. What is this feeling, so sudden and new?
3. That song is so gay
4. Now I have Wicked stuck in my head
5. Okay, don’t panic
6. *panic* *pain*
7. Do I still have Azo tabs from my last UTI
8. When was my last UTI
9. Oh, 2018, that nepotism-baby comedy writer.
10. (God that was boring sex. Not worth the eventual outcome)
11. (Remember the girl who was training me at my new job said “if your fluids don’t mix with someone else’s, they’re probably not the person for you.” What a weird thing to say.)
12. (She was right, I guess, about that specific girl.)
13. Well, that’s one benefit of two years of pandemic-induced celibacy!
14. Azo tabs, focus
15. How fast can I get Azo tabs
16. I really need to clean my bathroom, wow
17. I’ll never be able to pee without cringing again
18. UTI antibiotics should be available over the counter!
19. Why are the AZO tab makers content with my pee being neon orange
20. Could they make my pee turquoise or magenta instead
21. Actually, scratch that, magenta might be too alarming
22. I bet Audrey Hepburn never got a UTI
23. Does drinking a blueberry-pomegranate sparkling water count as “hydrating”
24. Does my back hurt? Has it spread to my kidneys?
25. Or is that just from sitting for 8 hours a day in an “ergonomic” desk chair I bought off Instagram
26. Should I really be using a vibrator in this trying time
27. This is a cosmic punishment for having too much sex
28. PEE AFTER SEX DUMMY!
29. I know!
30. I’m never having sex again
31. I really, really can’t wait to have sex again