What's Your 2021 Pride Sponsor?

It’s that time of year again – when half the people you follow on Instagram are posting anti-corporate pro-kink Pride memes and the other half are posting selfies for their brand partnerships with 3D-printed blue light glasses that are trans-inclusive, somehow. No offense if that’s you, I would also absolutely be making that money if I was insta famous enough for it. In fact, I think we should all get our own sponsors for Pride; if we’re already locked into a dystopian marriage with capitalist co-opting of biopoliticized lived experience, we could at least get a trickle down some of the spoils. Obviously we can’t all get your premium corporate sponsors – your stainless steel sex toys, your high-end sustainable apparel, perhaps some luxury skincare – but I don’t think that should stop us; pride sponsors for all! The only limit to what a Pride sponsor can be is your imagination. Read on to find out yours!

What’s Your 2021 Pride Sponsor?

You're meeting The Gang for brunch during Pride weekend; you're the first one to arrive, and they won't seat you til your entire party is here. You pass the time by:

Catching up on your reading from the Kindle in your bag

Responding to some of the fire emoji reactions to your story from last night

Checking Twitter to see if there’s been any developments in the celeb gossip you hazily remember breaking from the evening before

Calling your mom quick just to say hi

Scrolling back through the group chat to catch up on the conversation you missed and how everyone’s doing

You’ve run into an ex who’s also waiting for a table – you’re still on great terms, and it’s so good to catch up

You’ve run into an ex who’s also waiting for a table – you go sit in your car to wait til they’re gone

Actually you just realized you left your wallet at home, and need to run back to get it anyway.

You're finally seated! What's your drink order?

Hot coffee, black.

Green tea

ced coffee, cream and sugar, please.

Bloody Mary with a High Life chaser

NA peach bellini with a sugar rim

A giant icewater with lemon because they don’t have coconut water – you’re so hungover

Everyone's recapping their evenings from the night before – where were you?

You grabbed cocktails and tapas with a date, and then went back to their place.

You were at the headlining queer Pride party – you were the only one able to get tickets.

A friend’s small intimate theater performance that took place onsite in an empty lot.

The local queer dive bar; you went to play pool but ended up going home with your ex.

At home, taking a bath alone with a carefully curated playlist.

At home, FaceTiming the person you’re obsessed with who lives on the other side of the country.

Hosting a viewing party of Carol and The Favourite back to back.

You meant to join your friends at the dive bar but made some friends on the bus ride there and ended up tagging along with them to a dance party, downtown bar and then late-night pancakes at the 24-hour diner.

Someone had a fight with their girlfriend last night and is distraught over their hashbrowns about how to move forward. You advise them:

Take some time to cool off if you need to, then schedule a time to talk in person.

Honestly, don’t overthink it; they’ve probably forgotten all about it by this morning.

Wait til both parties have been able to have a therapy session so they’re both aware of any other baggage you’re bringing into the conflict.

It sounds like they just need to reconnect; maybe it’s time to have a date night at home and make dinner together.

Didn’t they just pick a fight last weekend? It’s Pride, there’s plenty of fish in the sea; just break up with them.

Sounds stressful; you’re gonna sit this one out and eat your breakfast burrito.

Oh yikes, the server got your order wrong – these eggs benedict were supposed to have avocado subbed in for Canadian bacon.

Ask your assertive friend to talk to the server for you; you would just die.

Politely ask for a replacement meal; you’re a strict vegetarian.

Keep the meal – you’re starving – but ask for it to be comped. You prefer not to eat meat, but also, whatever.

Negotiate sharing food with the friend sitting next to you, whose chilaquiles look amazing.

You’re too embarrassed to do anything about it; you just eat everything on the plate except the meat.

Decide your meal can now be a shared plate for the table and order something else to replace it.

You just got the check, and obviously it's a nightmare scenario. No one can figure out the best way to pay between everyone; do you:

Call out the friend you all know has a fancy corporate job and tell them to just pay the full bill and everyone else can venmo them.

Talk the server into splitting the bill even though technically it’s not restaurant policy.

Can we just all split it evenly so we can go?

Whip out your calculator app and a pen, breaking down the fairest division of price taking into account who ordered alcohol and shared plates for the table.

Everyone you’re eating with is in the service industry anyway; you organize them into counting through the tips in their wallet and just paying their exact amount in cash.

You know how much you owe, and you’re ready to pay it however you need; they can figure out their own shit, you’ll be scrolling on your phone until they’re ready.

Ok, brunch is over! Where are you going next?

Wait, do we have to be done hanging out? Let’s go to the bookstore down the street!

Gotta run – you have hot yoga and breathwork classes to get to.

Home – you have laundry to do.

Home – you have plans with your roommates to build a fort in the living room and watch Portrait of a Lady on Fire.

That cutie you met last night texted while you were eating and said they’re at the dog park; you’re gonna go meet up with them.

You’re gonna spend the rest of your day consoling the distraught friend from Question 4.

Microdosing

The theater screening of Ocean’s 8, obviously.

Oh no – you just realized you left something at the brunch spot by accident. What was it?

The lavender essential oil roller you carry in your pocket for when you get anxious

The scrunchie you wear on your wrist everywhere

The small batch indie perfume that makes you smell like a sexy reclusive witch living in the woods

Your hand-rolled joints with an herbal blend of chamomile, damiana, lavender and rose petals

The reusable baggie of teabags you carry with you so you can order just hot water while you’re out and save money

Your wallet, again

The server’s number they wrote for you on the customer copy of your receipt

Oh wait, nothing, actually you have everything in your bag. False alarm!

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What’s Your 2021 Pride Sponsor?

What’s Your 2021 Pride Sponsor?

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