Here’s yet another Twilight parody to get you through your Friday: Twilight For Guys.
Since we’re lesbi-bi-queerdos, we obvs feel the need to process our feelings re: this. Wanna join us? Afterward we can talk about the first girl you played “Untouchable Face” for and Crystal will get us all some coffee and Sarah will let you borrow her flat iron.
Rating system will obviously follow the genius of Julie & Brandy In Your Box Office: Finger to Fist (0-5).
Also, this little number is NSFW, so all of you a-holes with jobs will just have to WAIT ‘TIL YOU GET HOME.
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RIESE:
Having just seen Eclipse, which we reviewed for you last week, and then, yesterday, New Moon, and totally hating Bella and Edward for being selfish asshats, I liked this one better. Mostly for its length. But also it cleverly plays on tropes of homo-appropriation that we often discuss here and I like how it squarely points out that lesbian action isn’t for lesbians or even starring actual lesbians.
I give it an aggressive fingering from a straight girl who is basically doing to you what she does to herself when she thinks about you/her boyfriend which may/may not be what you actually like, but you’re still flattered that she’s trying at all
LANEIA:
I… um… didn’t hate it? It was trying too hard, but I appreciate the effort. Like most lesbian-themed things on this planet, it’d be a hell of a lot better without men. I liked it more than Eclipse, though!
I give it two rushed, awkward, unlubricated fingers, with earnest kissing. You know when they get really wrapped up in the kissing and they forget what to do with their hands? It was like that.
ALEX:
I’m in my CAR in a PARKING LOT to watch this video because of what the “w” in NSFW stands for. And needless to say, I’m a little disappointed. The concept is good and I get it, and it’s funny… but the execution is not good. There’s something that weirds me about about impossibly straight women in weird outfits acting lesbionic for the camera. I would’ve preferred to see just three normal cute girls in these roles… you know, like maybe Kristin Stewart multiplied three times, making out with each other. I probs wouldn’t watch this again. I’ll give it one finger. An “A” for effort or whatever.
TAYLOR:
I’m going to ignore the meta-commentary thing going on with the dudes and the whatnot and list my feelings:
1. From the weird hazy camera effect and ominous music, this seemed like one of those sensational MSNBC missing persons specials or something, where they reenact someone’s abduction is this really amazing trivialized way. I want to be a reenactment actor– I think that’s probably the best job in Hollywood.
2. I LOVE that werewolf tail! I’d love one. I used to have a coonskin cap and I never missed it until right now.
3. “LEZ BE ON OUR WAY”: Loved it. Love that.
So yeah, this made me feel dirty mainly, but I also want a raccoon tail, so I’d give this one finger that’s moving really frantically too fast because they think that’s what you want but you don’t — you want a fist, you know?
