It’s almost the holidays, and you know what that means: it’s time to find the perfect gift with which to thank the 8,000 spiders who raised you in that damp cave for their hard work and sacrifice over the years! Check out the list below so you don’t have to phone it in again this year by getting your 8,000 mothers another handful of flies!
A scarf
One pashmina scarf will provide ample shelter for many of the 8,000 brave, feminist spiders who raised you in the sunless cave where they found your infant body. Hope you’re prepared for all of your grateful parents to wrap their 64,000 legs around you in a full-body hug!
A charm for a Pandora bracelet
It can be hard to find something that all 8,000 of your arachnid parents can agree on, but even the pickiest resident of Spider Cave will love the elegance and simplicity of a Pandora charm bracelet. Try finding a charm commemorating something that all of them have in common, such as using their eight legs to walk and run, having chelicerae with fangs that are able to inject venom, or loving to shop!
Perfume
If there’s anything your spider mothers love more than praying to the hundreds of gods that comprise their complex polytheistic religion, it’s smelling good! A nice bottle of perfume says “your 8,000 writhing bodies deserve to smell like something other than cave water and egg sacs, and I appreciate that you raised me as one of your own instead of eating my baby bones with your spider teeth”!
Bones
Yeah, we know that every gift guide has bones on it, but it’s a classic for a reason! Your 8,000 spider mothers need as many bones as possible. It’s an easy and cheap gift for the thousands of eight-legged heroes who raised you to become the person you are today. Maybe one day they’ll even tell you what they do with the bones!
Not a jigsaw puzzle
We’ve all heard the screams of 8,000 frustrated spiders echoing endlessly throughout a damp cave as they fruitlessly try to assemble a jigsaw puzzle. This year, learn from your past mistakes and don’t buy your spider family any kind of puzzle, jigsaw or otherwise.
There it is – the perfect holiday gift guide for the 8,000 spiders who raised you in that damp cave! Now go forth and find some bones!
